Saturday, April 16, 2005
{ This life is fricking awesome! }

And I don't kid either.

Lately, my life has had a turn around point. I remember 3 years ago when I was two things. A bisexual and a christan basher. However, within the past year or so. My views have changed greatly. I, as of this moment, am planning when I will become saved. I'm holding myself away from Christ just so I may make it, a special day. Selfish I suppose...but I want to be at church, celebrating Passover with my best friend in the whole world.

Moving off that subject and onto another. Yes, I admit I was a bisexual for...2-3 years. I actually had deep feelings for a friend of mine for the longest time. I remember spending hours crying to myself about how I was Bi when I didn't want to be and how my friend would never like me back and etc. However, thanks to the help of the lord, and most of all, my fiancé(or boyfriend as most people know him as.) who was the first boy I ever loved. And still do love infact. He had helped me get over my female friend. And shortly after Nov. of 04, I noticed that my interest in the female of our species wasn't my cup of tea anymore. Infact, back in 03, I remember when the idea of sex with a female, oddly enough made me 'hot' so to speak. Now it's the other way around. I actually can't stand it, and even gag to be honest. My old favorite show. "Queer as Folk" a show about homosexual people living their lives, and showed sex scenes. I watched it not to long ago..I had to actually force myself to get over watching the gays doing the act of love making. Of course, this does NOT make me hate or bash gays, bis or the like what so ever. Simply what I have gone through in my life so far.

Now a word before I change the subject. You may disagree with what I've gone through. Because of my faith, you may say I just closed off the bisexual in me, and chouse to be with males only. I sometimes wonder if that IS how it is, if I let my faith get to me about my sexual. But, from what I’ve gone through, I say most likely not.

I ran into an old friend at the mall today. Celeste. I haven't talked to her in like..forever. She had lost her art folder which sucks. But I finally got to meet her boyfriend. He’s into karate, so I ended up having a karate chat with him. He's in my sister club! So he and I are about the same style, which is neet.

Blah nothing much else, aside from my friends who went to a tournament got to spare in class the other night. -_-* which bugged me to hell and back. I want to spare so BADLY...However like Lauren did to me. I might end up hurting someone. (My black eye thing. there should be a post about it somewhere.)

Man...Tomorrow with be James and I's one year anniversary. My god do I love him so...He and I are even engaged, and have been for about a month ago. (if anyone of my in real life friends, wants to see the engagement gift he gave me. it's around my neck. it's that small diamond. but no matter how small, or how large it is. His love means more then anything else.) I miss him so much..back in sep. of 04 he moved away...I regret how I treated him back when we first started dating...Back then I didn't know what having a boyfriend was all about...I always thought boyfriends were just for sex and stuff..so I ended up doing MANY foolish things...and that led to me wanting to brake things off...which led to one another hating each other...then roughly a month after that, he apologized and he and I started back as friends...then after he moved to Hawaii... he started talking about a girl he kinda liked...and I just realized something....I had lost him.... in the time he and I were not dating. I tried dating, but I never got anywhere past giving out guys my number. They never called. But anyways...I had realized...I still loved him... I ended up spilling my guts to him. And he confessed that he still had feelings for me aswell. Infact the only reason he had liked this other girl, was because she reminded him of me. And after that..He and I had become deeper inlove. I miss him so much..I regret so many things...I wish I could redo them. And yet...I don’t. cause..things are turning around for me.

Whoa, I just spilled alot of things. Fuck I’ve been writing for a half hour now. I guess I need to stop hiding things...I remember about how I was ashamed of myself about many things, and even LIED about myself to seem perfect.

Blah, all I know is. My life is turning around. I got friends, family, aloving fiancé who I'm planning on living the rest of my life with. And ever since I've opened myself up to religion again, I've become..At peace it seems.

{ Let Me Go - 3 Doors Down }

{ Melkoshi @ 11:58 p.m. }