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np: Itsuka Kagayaku - Rayearth SATs. Yeah, I messed up. I forgot my photo ID and was left standing in line, speed-dialing on my cell phone for fifteen minutes straight, so hysterical that I actually drove myself sick. I finally got hold of mom and she dropped it off (none too pleased, of course), but by that point it was a lost cause. I was sick. Sick. Sick. I mean I felt ill through the entire exam. I couldn't concentrate. I think I guessed on questions I shouldn't have guessed on. I can't believe this. Once again, more mistakes that can only come back to haunt me alone... Then more talks about disappointment, my immaturity, irresponsibility, and because we've had that talk all week we needed new material. So we went on the tangent about my being a selfish, self-centered bitch instead (not the exact word used but context here). My mother said she can't believe she raised such a person. Suffice to say I spent another afternoon crying. No real reason. It's all true; am a irresponsible, selfish, self-centered bitch without a doubt. I know it. And in my typical self-centered bitch way, I just keep despairing over how I hate myself this way but can't seem to change. Why is it that the one week I was told to be responsible, and honestly tried to work harder at it, I messed things up ten billion times more than usual? to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:55 p.m. np: The Breaking of the Fellowship - Lord of the Rings Yes, it is possible to have a totally crappy day, even though there's no school, and I didn't leave the house. At all. I just keep screwing up. In every way possible. Made a very, very stupid mistake that is possibly one of the worst things I've ever done. Oh, it wasn't a /bad/ thing, just a completely airheaded accident on my part that led to another lecture about THIS is why YOU'RE not ready to go to college. Horribly true. Horrible mistake. I can't fix it, and the only person it affects is me. Those are just the most shameful kinds of mistakes. You can't put the blame on anyone else at all. You're just left hating yourself while everyone else stands from a distance, staring down at you looking disappointed. SATs tomorrow. Yay. Another super, exciting thing that I will, without a shadow of a doubt, mess up. I'm kind of miserable right now. I have an appointment with my college counselor on Monday and I'm attempting to get my applications at least steadily underway...high school looks so insignificant on those pieces of paper. It doesn't look as though I did anything at all. How are you supposed to put the experience and cram it into a little line? Writing "fall play" for three years on those little lines on extracurricular activities seems so silly. Writing "Elementary Japanese 1B" under the college class section seems so...I don't know. I don't like cramming the things that have absorbed my life onto a tiny line that doesn't even allow the space to fit full course titles. I've worked so hard, so hard that I've cried, and these things all have to be crammed into a tiny space, with so many blank lines left, making it look like I didn't do a thing. It's so stupid. to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:51 p.m. Okay, now the play rant, which I've been holding off on since I'm usually checking my blog in the computer lab and it's not unheard of that Mr. Y sneaks up behind me to look at whatever's on my screen. XP Girl who I was supposed to replace? Didn't happen. Duh. We all knew that would be too good to be true, right? We perform in a preview performance for the school in a week, so it's not gonna happen, now. But NOW though she's been gracious enough to show UP three out of four days this week, she refuses to hang around the theater during parts of scenes she isn't in like the rest of us little people. Resulting in long searches for her around campus when we DO come to her part. I want to just boot this girl into the sky. I hate these people at play practice. This was honestly the worst possible choice for a high school play at an all-girl's school. There are only two big parts, leaving the other thirtysomething of us feeling somewhat fidgety and bored. Which leads to everyone getting chatty, and with an all-girl cast you just can't get them to shut up. But this girl just sends me through the roof, because she shows such disrespect to the theater program and everyone in it, while here I am showing up dutifully every day and I'd kill for her role...oh, and five (minor, but still) people dropped out yesterday. Great stuff. Mr. Y was absolutely livid. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of going to practice...is this such a foolish thing for me to be saying? I want to do theater for the rest of my life, and I'm not being a good sport about this on the inside? It's not like I don't know. On the drama bulletin board at my school, papers shift and change with productions and casts, but one tiny little sheet of paper always remains, and this is what it says: 1. Life is unfair. 2. Theater is less fair than life. 3. The audition is the least fair part of theater. 4. Humans submit themselves to nothing less fair than the audition. I love that sheet of paper. It reminds me in situations like this that I put myself into them. But at the same time I'm sure that Sarah was cast with the other big part because she's drama club president, and he puts so little store by auditions anyway. (If you've been in productions before, you read a line and he sends you on your way.) So I don't think I'm being too horrible of a sport about this. After practice today, I almost cried, because we reblocked a scene so that Sarah obviously pushes me out of the way so she can shine. I almost cried, even though everyone giggled at it in the scene context, just because I can't believe she really does get to push me aside when she was so poorly casted... On the up side, Mr. Y seems to feel a little badly about implying I'd get that other part and NOT DOING IT, so he's been rather nice to me this week...during the practice review session he absolutely nailed Sarah for mistakes that she had made. She told him she was having trouble delivering performance because there wasn't a crowd to have reaction from, and he snapped back with telling her that a true actress draws their performance from the inside. I'd also done poorly that day with, you know, all two of my lines. Partly Sarah's fault since there's nothing to play off from and in dramatic scenes that's a problem, but you know, I should have been able to draw my performance from inside, no? Instead he sparkled to the rest of the main cast about how he could ALWAYS count on ME and how he KNEW once opening day came it would be ME who gave one THOUSAND percent and NO WORRIES. But overall, I'm tired. I'm ready for us to open and get this performance over with. I'm tired of spending two hours EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL watching a poorly cast group of people stumble through their lines...out of all the entire cast the only people I can say do a good job are Meggie (the lead), Angela (girl whose role I was supposed to have, but she gets points off for never coming to practice and bitching about how her dyslexia makes it so so hard for her for memorize lines - not to come off as unsympathetic, but shouldn't you have thought about that BEFORE being in a play?), and the girl who plays the Reverend. Which isn't a big part. Kat is an absolute sweetheart. She can't act worth ANYTHING. Sarah is a very nice girl who can't act either, and is cast into the most energetic, expressive part in the play (I've struggled to stay awake during her long speeches. really). Nobody else's parts are big enough to even mention. *shrug* Nobody really stands out. See, the thing isn't just knowing that I could do better. It's that I KNOW Mr. Y knows that I could do better. And I really, really don't understand why I was cast the way I was. Some girls have zero talent. Even the people who can read lines expressively have no sense of tempo...the girl I was supposed to replace can read well, she's expressive, I would probably say her reading of the character was better than mine except for the fact he's supposed to be a quick wit, and she drags out her lines that are supposed to be said as quickly as the audience can understand them...and all his lines are written to be said that way... Anyway, I'm tired, and I will be genuinely happy when this play is over, a thought that seems sickening to even pass through my head...and all this time I keep wondering if I'm just being too conceited and overconfident of my acting skills, but frankly I think monkeys could deliver more dramatic performances than members of our cast. *shrug* Meggie being so wonderful is the only thing that keeps me sane and reassures me that I'm just not being bitter, everyone else DOES indeed suck at acting. to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:20 p.m. Tired. Had to get to school at 7:15 to take the senior panoramic picture. It was freezing cold, and we were out there for over an hour. *shiver* Me: And then I cackled at the screen, "Embrace the Rat of Ukeness!" Les: The rat of ukeness? Because once you pounce on it, everyone wants your tail? Love Les. XD to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:12 a.m. np: The Real Folk Blues - Cowboy Bebop A fairly quiet weekend. *shrug* I wasn't interested in the whole homecoming deal - never really have been...much watching of TV and such, really. Mom: Why is it that it seems like everyone in this hemisphere knows she's the slayer but her own MOTHER doesn't? Me: Her mom finds out eventually... Mom: ...if YOU were a vampire slayer, you'd tell me, right? *_*; Me: ....... Mom: ...right?! Me: ....uh...sure, Mom. to the sea of waking dreams @ 06:23 p.m. np: random Jpop from language lab folder Play practice: random girl who I may be replacing showed up today. Spent all of practice telling her what do to for the past week she's skipped. She forgot her SCRIPT and I had to give her mine. Grrr. Also, my reading earlier in the week was better than hers. Ha. If Mr. Y wants to kick her out, I hope he does it soon, because even though she's very very good (in the suckage that is the rest of the cast anyway)...well, I want her part! I know I said I didn't mind if it doesn't happen, but I'm starting to mind because now I'm hanging onto his every word concerning her part, committing new stage directions for her to memory in case I must step in to save the day. So just minding a little bit, because it's very mean for Mr. Y to get my hopes up and tell me in a very, very obvious tone, "There will be Shuffling Of Roles if she doesn't start showing up, are You Okay With That?" if he's not going to do it. But still, I let him get my hopes up once already this year. Fool me twice, shame on me... Overall, I'm exhausted. I fell asleep in world religions again today, and I'm not sorry because a ten minute nap can really improve your disposition. In-class essay in English today, and I hated the topic and so I didn't put much effort into it. Then had rehearsal, during which I was mostly worthless because the girl was there and the assistant director read lines for the other misssing people. All two of my lines were messed up because she had my script and I forgot my cues. After playing three parts this week, I feel disgusted with my own role, but mostly disgusted with Sarah, because I can't play off her at all seeing as there's NOTHING THERE TO PLAY OFF FROM. My Japanese teacher opted to have us stay after our test for a "Japanese cultural activity". Activity ended up listening to a J-pop song by a group called Hana*Hana. Three times. "Ah~ Yokatta na Anata ga ite / Ah~ Yokatta na Anata to ite / Ah~ Yokatta na Issho ni Ite / Ah~ Yokatta na Futari de ite!" x3. Then "yokatta na! yokatta ne!" playing the background. We listened to it THREE TIMES, I remind you. Ow. Should not have stayed. Should have walked out during break like the smart people did but NOOO I had to be the good girl... to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:26 p.m. I wish I could remember what I stayed up so late for last night. I'm completely exhausted. Geh. I also have Japanese class tonight - first chapter exam. Geeeeh. Thank you to those that wished aforementioned girl would be absent or hated by techies. It's very much appreciated. XD Ingrid, Dru is sexier than Buffy. Buffy is more "pretty" or "cool" than anything else, I think. I'll probably do a Spike/Dru layout someday, though- love those two. n_n Zzz. Tired. to the sea of waking dreams @ 01:21 p.m. np: Posession - Sarah McLachlan So....tired... *thuds* Ingrid, if anything interesting happens on Buffy, I'll tell you. XD And...I don't know, but eating rats is, after all, the vampire uke trademark. Did such a great job at filling in for a girl at play practice that Mr. Y said if she doesn't stop skipping rehearsal, there will be Shuffling Of Roles. So if I'm lucky, it'll all work out wonderfully and I'll end up with a bigger part...which just makes me feel wonderful and perfect. Things actually might work out the exact way I'd like them to...anyway, I don't mind even if they don't, because just by the offer I feel redeemed in my place as the Favorite. But it would be nice if my work these past weeks would pay off. to the sea of waking dreams @ 11:19 p.m. np: Eternally - Utada Hikaru Ooh, that time of week again...two, three weeks ahead in language lab in thirty minutes. I'm going to be PLAYING a great deal these next few weeks...ah, if only there were a CD burner or the like on these lab computers, the connection's amazing. I was in a horrible mood till the end of the day, when once again at play practice we were missing three of the people we needed (noting that we only need important people at practice to start with). And I played two major characters AND my own role all at the same time, and had a total blast. All I needed was to feel useful. It was great. *grin* There's nothing we can't face...except for bunnies... Mom: Did they say "bunnies"? Meimi: Yup. Mom: ....why? Meimi: Why what? Mom: Why can't they face bunnies? o_o Meimi: ... XD to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:46 p.m. np: Under Your Spell / Standing Reprise - Buffy: Once More With Feeling Random observation of the day: the musical seems a lot...odder when you're singing along to it in the car, with your mom going "..." at you. ("So that's my refrain / I live in hell / 'cause I've been expelled / from heaaaaven~") Play practice: I want to seriously hurt the majority of the cast. See, my big issue with getting a crappy part is not just that some of the people with lead roles are ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. It's not just that I'm giving my third year of high school to the drama department and showing up for every practice as always (they needed me for five minutes out of two hours today, you get the idea). What infuriates me is that those people with lead roles who have never given a damn about the drama department thus far (and apparently still don't) skip practice left and right. You know what? I would LOVE to spend this ENTIRE WEEK during practice helping my class decorate for homecoming. It looks amazingly fun. But I think that's a pretty crappy excuse for skipping AN ENTIRE WEEK of rehearsal, especially when you are the JUDGE in a COURTROOM DRAMA. ...I've never been able to help with gym decorating. I'm only a little bitter. And it's not because I think I'm "better" than other people in the cast, it's that I love being on stage with a passion, so much that I'm there every single day for my line or three, and I get put below people who don't give a damn. At all. Ah. That's my problem. I'm glad I've put my finger on it, that's been bugging me. Okay, I admit it, I think I'm a little better than some people in the cast, but as a huge crowd of girls in my art class was muttering over how they couldn't believe that Sarah nailed a lead when she's so horrible...I at least feel comforted that I'm not the only person who thinks so. I'm not nice enough of a person to claim I think everyone else is better than me, because I think I have actual talent in theater and I'm serious about it. Geh. to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:43 p.m. np: "Restless" Suite - Buffy: Once More With Feeling Soundtrack Which I broke down and bought today. This makes two weeks in a row with no food. Eh heh. But I LOVE the BGM from this episode. *dies* And it had the BGM from three of my all-time favorite episodes (musical, "Restless", and "Hush")! So I had to get it! *shimmer* Went to the movies to see "The Tuxedo", which was very blah. But of course worth the admission fee for the new Chamber of Secrets trailer! Ron's voice changed, which took me by suprise...this is probably a good thing, because while he was absolutely huggable in the first movie, I couldn't envision anyone that cutesy growing up to be, you know, the lovable idiot that Ron is. No Riddle in this one, though we did get to see Draco and Harry doing Quidditch...but the one thing I really liked was that shot that seemed totally ripped off from LotR. You know that bit when the "camera" is zooming down Saruman's CG lair, twisting and turning? They did that with zooming down a tower at Hogwart's. Those staircases needed to be CG; they seemed too dull for my tastes in the first movie. Hardly magical. to the sea of waking dreams @ 07:20 p.m. np: Wish I Could Stay - Buffy: Once More With Feeling I can almost hear my mind's cries of, "Nooo! Not more BUFFY!" Season seven: I'd tried to download most of it but only got to the first bit with Spike. Alica claimed the episode was great, but I just sighed, "This is just okay." Until the last minute of the episode. XDXDXD I stared wide-eyed at the screen when Warren strolled into the picture and...just gaped. And then once I figured out what was going on, I was almost overcome with pure, pure JOY as I counted down the villains, chanting to myself, "please let it be her, please please please..." "...you'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me, singing our little songs. And you liked our little songs, didn't you? You always liked them, right from the beginning..." and there was fangirl joy at ten whole seconds of Drusilla. XDXDXD I like the idea of this season already, despite the fact that it's clearly heading for the end. Everything being brought full circle is a very clever idea. I say now that if they keep bringing in weird trippy flashbacks to characters that died or left, I would die of fanservice joy. This just means I want more Drusilla, but eh. to the sea of waking dreams @ 07:08 p.m. np: Under Your Spell - Buffy: Once More With Feeling If Buffy were ice cream, I ate several gallons of it this week. Last night my marathon of the fourth disc was almost all a second viewing though. My mother does not think that Oz and Willow are cute. I can't wrap my brain around the idea of ANYONE thinking they're anything but PRECIOUS. Eeee. CUTE. I thought there would be more Spike/Dru in this season. Granted, I'm not done with the season, but I think they've only been in six episodes of those I've watched thus far. =_= Also one of the art schools I'm glancing at for graduate work sent me a sheet saying they'll have representatives in the area to do interviews and portfolio review. I'm toying with the idea - I mean, I haven't really looked hard at art schools because I know I'm not going next year and I'd rather worry about where I'm going then first - and though it does say seniors are encouraged even if they don't think they're ready to go yet...eeee. I will probably end up attempting to nab an appointment, but I don't really have much in the way of portfolio work. And of course there's that terrifying idea, that they'll tell me that my work is crap. Which is hardly something that's going to stop me, but...I'm scared of it anyway. ^^; to the sea of waking dreams @ 02:09 p.m. My tape was safe. It was near the VCR as though she had been considering recording with it, and then decided not to. Yay. La, still ten minutes left to watch, I think, for the premiere. Greaaat, Spike's lost his mind. *sigh* Willow just wants to be Willow, which is the first smart thought she's had in a few seasons. Am I the only one who feels like Tara isn't really dead? Sure, they play that scene of her dying in every recap before the show, but nobody's ever really stopped the action to take a moment and say, "Oh, Tara died, how does this affect everything?" Not in the season finale apocalyptic sense, I mean, but really. Am I just being bitter because I think Tara was one of the most interesting characters to watch last season? Who knows. to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:52 a.m. "Grab any tapes from my room that AREN'T LABELED," I said when I asked my mother to record Thursday TV shows. Now, at midnight, the thought strikes me to spring up and check my shelf, even though my mother promised she would not use tapes from my room at all. ......... NOTE THAT I SAID UNLABELED?!! So where the HELL is my Buffy tape that I left on my shelf (with seasons and episode numbers/titles printed neatly all over the silly thing), I would like to know? *bangs head against wall* to the sea of waking dreams @ 11:58 p.m. np: Eternally - Utada Hikaru (It's the best song in the Japanese language folder. Still not sick of it even though I don't really like Utada. And I finished basically all the chapter work tonight. SO FAR AHEAD it's sickening. I keep missing one or two questions on everything I turn out because I'm so TIRED during classes but oh well. My A will not suffer from one or two mistakes per assignment.) Re: Furuba. Now I realize that we've never even seen Haru and Rin together, but this week it just hit me what a PRETTY couple those two would make. So am attempting to draw sparkly rabu-rabu (?) fanart for them. Kind of. Because Rin's pretty and Haru is cool (?) XD But really am curious about Rin, think she's the #1 most mysterious character in Furuba right now. I like her - she has such an attitude that's rare to see in manga girls. XD Have been drawing massive amounts of scribbles of her in my sketchbook this week. Oh, since I finished my crappy painting I got to move on in art class today. I dragged around an issue of Vogue to find a nice ad to practice drawing, and randomly picked an ad of Heather Locklear. It's pretty much the first time (recently) that I tried to draw a certain way...can't really explain with the shading...but anyway it came out so well. I dragged it around all day, and I almost died of happiness when several people who saw it said, "Isn't that Heather Locklear?" They recognized it! I drew it well enough to be recognized! Happy! (I have absolutely no idea who Heather Locklear is besides "famous pretty person", but. Oh well. *niko*) to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:48 p.m. I finished my stupid painting in art class yesterday. It is horrible, and I feel rather badly about it being horrible - well, it's not all bad, it's technically four seperate paintings in one project and my monochromatic realism one turned out beautifully (yay!) and my geometric one in yellow and purple was good too (yay!) but the other two really suck. Is really not the point as I was only doing it for speed so I could get onto portfolio things, provided my teacher does not give me more crap (and if she tries then I shall lose it). Still, I realized belatedly that I would have to hang it up (most all of my projects last year were either impossible to hang or gifts). I want new layout, but as I have class tonight, ACTs on Saturday, plans for SF on Sunday to see Spirited Away, and four and a half discs of Buffy goodness left, doubt I will find the time. to the sea of waking dreams @ 08:33 a.m. np: Eternally - Utada Hikaru Meimi: *bored out of mind in Japanese class and is doodling in kana on side of (finished) paper, "nemuuui...hayaku uchi ni kaeritaaai...iyaaaan, nemuuuui..." Kouda-sensei: *sneaks up and reads over my shoulder* Meimi: *totally forgets about doodles and displays paper* Kouda-sensei: ...*comments on paper and moves on* Meimi: *looks at paper* O.O ... !! I forgot people could READ my doodles here! Iyaaaaan she must hate me now!! Anyone have a starting date for the DNAngel anime yet? I want to count the days down one by one, obviously. to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:39 p.m. ...*cough* Lisa, I assure you I woke up this morning and was just going "..." at it all. I'm sorry; I plead insanity and sleep deprivation. And I hope your week gets better!! All your fault. Except not so much Ingrid's, but you did help start it. *rubs head* And now I'm off to work on Japanese homework and try not to think (hard) about go bondage. And for all of you awful people that triggered this, I'll upload the rest of the conversation later tonight or tomorrow, depending on how conscious I am when I get home. If you really want to know. ^^; to the sea of waking dreams @ 09:30 a.m. |
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Meimi is a sixteen year old fangirl. Her soul is owned by the evil mangaka CLAMP. She likes to draw, play go, and read manga. Currently sparkling at best friend, random Buffy episodes, and rapidly filling sketchbook. AIM KSaintTail links? mine?
or? CLAMP-NET CLAMPesque Anime Expo Fanime LotR.net Yahoo!Games layout if you didn't see this layout coming ten miles away, you're crazy. The only reason it took this long to get it up is because I was torn between using Buffy or Dru. =_= So, Buffy and Spike from "Once More With Feeling", looks sickeningly red and pink and Valentines Dayish. song is "Possession" by Sarah McLachlan. Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide Voices trapped in yearning memories trapped in time The night is my companion and solitude my guide Would I spend forever here and not be satisfied? And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears Just close your eyes dear Through this world I've stumbled so many times betrayed Trying to find an honest word to find the truth enslaved Oh you speak to me in riddles and you speak to me in rhyme My body aches to breathe your breath you words keep me alive And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears Just close your eyes dear Into this night I wander it's morning that I dread Another day of knowing of the path I fear to tread Oh into the sea of waking dreams I follow without pride Nothing stands between us here and I won't be denied And I would be the one to hold you down kiss you so hard I'll take your breath away and after I'd wipe away the tears Just close your eyes dear    |