Thursday, June 13, 2002 God. You know what's scary? Senior year. Scary. Les is leaving. That is scary. I'm better friends with her now than I ever have been and ever will be with Ali. Something I feel only a touch guilty over, but guilt can come later because I'm just so miserable that she'll be gone after this summer. I absolutely love her more than anyone else in the world, and yeah, I may actually see her very rarely, but it's still not going to be the same. No more trading of burned CDs, no more sleepovers, no more hugs...that's a frightening idea. Because in the whole world, there's no one else I love so much that I know loves me as much right back. And she'll be as far away as she can get, really. Meanwhile, here I am avoiding even thinking of college. My mother is annoyed because I avoid the subject, but since we always get into a giant fight each time it comes up, that's only natural. I have not a CLUE where I want to go. It seems that my mother has told EVERYONE SHE FUCKING KNOWS that I'm going to Pitzer College (small place, sounds cute, don't give a damn) and everyone keeps stopping me and telling me, Oh I Knew Blahblah That Went There, He Loved It, Have Fun. I don't want her to do that. I don't want any of it. I don't know if I want to go to art school or a regular college (and I kind of doubt at this point that I'm going to Pitzer). I'm scared that I won't get that choice; that my mom will at last put her foot down and say, NO, YOU AREN'T. I don't want to make a mistake, but if I'm gonna, I want it to be MINE. I don't want her to say no. And she's always been so against it, and this week she puts a pamphlet from sparkly New York prestigious art school in my hands and says, "Take a look, it's a really, really good school." What am I supposed to think? The pamphlet is lovely, anyway, as most college pamphlets are, but this one really caught my eye after it listed all these odd quirks I always thought were just "me" and tells me that no, other people actually do this and it's an Art Thing. And then my mom says I should look into This One and This One, all in NY, because my grandmother went There and it's really Good. This is, mind you, after we've torn each other's throats out about my going to art school...and she's said she really was happy I'm going in-state because of so many advantages Here's The List and so on. *cringe* Plus, I know people tell me I should try for art school if I want it, but my mom kept telling me how I'm so talentless and unprepared that I have no chance of getting in anywhere...it isn't that I completely believed her (I'm not brilliant but I think I could probably get in somewhere if not prestigious), but she kept yelling about how other people must have portfolios ten feet high and the whole bit, because they've been wanting it their whole lives and who am I to say I want it around junior year, huh? Basically, what I've decided at the moment is that I'm going to try for everything I can. I'm visiting in-state places this summer...that much I know...but what if I want some out-of-state place? How will I know? We can't afford to run around the country trying to find the perfect place. Just because I'm stupid. I said, when talking to the college counselor, who was really expensive, that I wanted to go someplace small and personal. Well, fuck, you can't go someplace small and personal and cutely unknown if you want to get into a prestigious program. So if I'm not going to an art school, then I'll end up someplace big. I have a file of California schools, and before I started getting mixed up, I thought, wow, I'm gonna go to someplace in this file in my hands. So simple. It's never simple; high school girls have to be stupid like that. I swear I can't stand it; I just wish everyone would stop PUSHING because in the end, I'll end up someplace where I want to go. Maybe not a first choice, but someplace where I think I'll be happy, not where everyone else thinks will make me happy. Oh yeah, and I haven't taken my actual SATs yet, and I haven't gotten my results for the SATIIs yet, and I'm still waiting for my AP results, too. All in all, you'll notice I'm tired. I'm scared of next year, because I can sense that I will be arguing with everyone in sight about my Future, and I'm going to be all alone. Nobody will be on my side. Nobody at all. It'll be me against everyone, because I'm so stupid since I don't know what to do. Though I do have the sense that if my mother would quit telling me that I can't do something, I wouldn't feel this way at all. But it's not her fault. It's my fault for losing my way at all. I'm tired. One day I'll disappear, maybe. Like a large puddle, that leaves only a shadow behind, and then it's all gone. I'll disappear that way without any help from me, because I feel so horribly unloved and exhausted. I wish I had more than one person around to really love me. I want a place I can go to where I can always feel worthwhile and loved. Everyone's angry at stupid, stupid me at home. Freak who doesn't know what she's doing with her life, and all that. Everyone at school lies. I think if I did it over again, I'd still have ended up at my own school, but while I like all-girl school overall, I'm tiring of it. I'm sick of the games all the smart girls play. I'm sick of teachers that are disrespectful and don't teach class and don't GIVE a damn about students. I'm sick of being able to waste time in every class and rarely having a class that gives me a challenge I feel is worthwhile. Sure, having easy classes sounds fun, but after not doing a blessed thing in two years of Honors English, I'm rather terrified at the prospect of work next year with a teacher that might expect something. At the least, she might expect us to have learned something since freshman year, and...uh, I've had bad English teachers all through high school. While my history teacher definitely is dellusional about roughly 88% of the errors she marks off for on papers, I think my writing skills could be a lot better. A lot better. My English teacher this year never made a mark on a paper, as we were lucky to get them back at all. If you got one back with a grade (nevermind if he actually read it), you were lucky. Nobody needs to say anything. I'm not hysterically worried over any of this. My head is simply filled with troubles at the moment. I have somehow always gotten the impression that writing them out lets about half the sadness flow through my fingers and leave me. It feels like that almost all the time. Sleep. So I can run around insanely tomorrow, jumping through hoops for my no-credit class. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 12:46 a.m. Wednesday, June 12, 2002 np: Koucha - Sakamoto Maaya But that's like asking the sun to stop shining, Ingrid... XD But I wasn't evil anymore, see? I hope you did well on your exam... In evil news, Photoshop is at last my bitch. *snuggles Photoshop* ...well, not really, but at least we're getting to be friends at last. Reg test at college was stupid as hell. Near the end, I realized that I really did not need to stay for the math portion. Proctor explained it was algebra. Meimi: *drools at the idea of ALGEBRA* ......maa, ii ka. XD Yes, I stayed. Well, aniki would have taken 15 minutes to get there earlier anyhow, and the test was only about 30 min. And I got the dazzling opportunity to take a math test that I knew the answers to. Damn, if that hasn't happened in a long time. XD Maybe it was the fact that I won't have to take another high school math class, maybe my pitiful math analysis-deflated ego needed a serious boost, maybe...well, I just needed the ego boost. Suffice to say, I was all but giggling to myself as I filled in the Scantron and thinking delightedly, "(insert name of any math teacher here) was RIGHT! Math! IS! FUN!! ....or it is when you know what you're doing~!!" (I haven't known what I was doing on the first try since about seventh grade, so this was a big event....) I am SO pathetic; I can't BELIEVE I was that desperate. *cough* So tomorrow will be more joyous frenzy. I need a signature from my high school for my college reg form. So I must call school, beg the administration for thirty seconds of time, trail back to the college, register actually (after getting test results, speaking to counsellors, and paying for all this crap), and then go home. Why, why, WHY must I jump through twenty fricking hoops to take a PHOTOGRAPHY class for NO CREDIT? *snarl* watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 11:47 p.m. Tuesday, June 11, 2002 np: Lumen Lunae - Ueno Youko Ingrid, I can post more tomorrow if you like. XD I've got two sets of bookmark files, and nothing is sorted, plus I go hunting for new sites each time I check the old. *fufufufu* And yes, manga will be up later in the week (? I think?). Until then...you can get your, um, anti-exam pre-Bound fix at Strawberrymoon. My art site, which is pure crap compared to the stuff listed below, but I do like the top image. I finished that today; obviously I'm trying to get stuff done that I've been putting off for months, what with junior year school and all. Though there aren't nearly enough links. Tomorrow, hah. Tomorrow: continue sorting links, posting links, draw and maybe CG. And Les is gone. *mope* Off to adventure in Boston and Japan. Hopefully will get to talk to her this week while she's in Boston...I hope. I miss her already; I'm glad I'm taking that photography class so I don't drive myself crazy through the summer. But I couldn't register today; apparently I have to take the placement test first. And, get this, for a high school student to register at the flipping community college, you have to take the placement test which is three and a half hours. That's longer than the SAT; what the hell? What do they need to know, other than I can speak English and am aware than 1+1=2? watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 12:06 a.m. Monday, June 10, 2002 np: my "fufufufu"-ing FUFUFUFUFUFU. Um, yeah. Yet another desperate shot at Meimi attempting to do a CG worth shit. Out of my attempts so far, it's the only one that's half-decent. So I'm a little bit proud of it. This is also a picture of Rekka, the heroine from Bound, our online manga which I hope your soul will be consumed by in the very near future. Very near future. Be warned. I get inspired to attempt CGs only on days like this. It is the day when I realize my bookmarks have gotten out of hand and I have no idea what the hell anything is because I have a zillion Japanese CG sites listed. So today was going through about half of them, one by one, to organize by series. O_O Here's a few of my favorites that I sorted today: Turquoise Blue: heavy on the CCS, especially on the S&S (though there's a delightfully Wrong one of Cheshire Eriol with Rabbit-Yue), but some adorable other things, like HikaGo stuff. Cross Press: Everything CLAMP under the sun. Pretty Clover top image, and a Valentine's Eriol/Syaoran. XD Ren Ren World: Horribly cute Houshin Engi stuff. I wasn't impressed as much with the top images, but the gallery is so cute: they're all chibified and...and cute. And there's one of Tenka in a cowboy hat. The Great Escape: I could have sworn there was a ton of HE stuff the last time I visited it, but now there's only a few. The only one that really caught my eye was an extremely gorgeous one of Fukki in the snow. H_H Kuroi Hitomi: Cuteness and Wrongness and Prettiness, all Houshin. Includes a really, really, evil chibified S&M picture of Fugen and Taikoubou (really!). And the caption on a picture of Fugen watching Taikoubou fishing. "Bou-chan no ushiro sugata ga...aaaa..." XD Right. And I'm registering at the college for summer class tomorrow, so I'd better get to sleep. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 12:25 a.m. Sunday, June 9, 2002 np: Yume no Hana Chiru Made ni - CASCADE "You know you love to draw (meimi: yeah...), or perhaps have real convictions about camera angles and lighting in movies (meimi: uh-huh...), that you put on clothes and think about their construction (meimi: ...)..." I think I might ask for more information about this college. They seem to know who they're talking about. o_O watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 01:24 p.m. Saturday, June 8, 2002 np: A Legend of Vampire - D.N.Angel *SNERK* Does Sugisaki write this crap? It's EXCELLENT crap, mind you, but it's awful, awful, awful. XDXDXD Krad's voice is yummy and exactly as I expected it would be, though. But the story..is like... @__@ Like...the Sleeping Beauty play, only as bad as that for the entire drama - it's a bangaihen AU story with princesses and vampire hunters and... XD "Ore wa! *pose* Kyuuketsuki HANTAA Hiwatari!" XDXDXD It's so fricking BAD. "Bangaihen kurai ore to Riku wo Happy End ni shiro!" "Ah! Watashi to Satoshi-sama mo, Happy End ni-" (Meimi: *THUD*) Also, I seem to have mysteriously transformed all my Internet Explorer text into about double the size it's supposed to be. I pushed a button in AOL and have no idea how I did this. It also affected my seperate IE program, but while I fixed it there, nothing changed in AOL. Les' grad and party were lovely. I got scared at the graduation though - it's been a long, long time since I was in a place where I didn't know anyone. I couldn't find her family and ended up sitting alone in the back where I couldn't see anything. ^^; But it was much better than Aniki's grad at any rate...Les looked really pretty too; her mom made her lei and it was soo pretty *_* When we went back to her house. Alyse was there too; haven't seen her in a long time. We signed yearbooks and watched some Inuyasha...was fun, but both of them got really tired...then we watched about a half hour of the HP movie. Leslie kept having to smack me for being evil each time Snape appeared on the screen. All in all, it was a lovely day. But I'm really tired too, now - I got about six hours of sleep, and it's suddenly starting to hit home. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 07:22 p.m. Friday, June 7, 2002 I think, sometimes, the whole universe clicks into place sometimes for one meeting. Maybe there's only one person in the whole world who could be so great a friend. I think so most of the time. I'm secretive, she told me. It was never a word I associated with myself before, but because she said it, I gave it thought. I still think about it a lot. But they aren't my secrets, really - if any of my secrets aren't with her already, they will be eventually. When the time comes to tell them, they'll be told - I don't keep them, they just lie waiting quietly. Since I met her, she's had the mysterious power to make me deliriously happy. But she never expected anything from me. Everyone else expects something particular, but she never has. And then, gradually, it was easy to tell her everything. Anything was okay. I wasn't a character in a life story and assigned a role, I was just me. It's a remarkably wonderful thing, you know, to be just yourself with someone. It never happened before to me. No matter how much I may hate myself, or feel horrible and hateful...that's okay. I can do that, and I can tell her. I miss her already. It's strange, as she pointed out that we probably see each other only ten times a year on the average. I was horrified when she said so; I didn't think it could be so small a number, but it is. But it's a comforting thing for her to be here, you know. If I really wanted to, I could always see her. If I was really upset about something, or really worried for her, I could always get there somehow and hug her. To have her suddenly gone is a scary thought. "You're not gone yet," I complained, but hearing her talk about leaving makes it so horribly real. She is, perhaps, the first person I've ever met who can be everything at once. She isn't seperated into columns like other girls: person I only laugh with, person I only confide in. She is, really, the friend for all occasions. She asked if maybe, I could look at schools on the east coast where she'll be. Or, she said, she could transfer near wherever I go, if she doesn't end up happy. Let's get together, and get an apartment or something, and have fun all the time. It's a lovely thought, isn't it? A situation like that - it would be the most wonderful thing that could ever happen. I'm happy, now. And I haven't seen her in a month, so it's going to be wonderful tomorrow. And I'd better sleep now, so I can be at full-energy happiness in the morning. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 10:45 p.m. Friday, June 7, 2002 np: Ask D.N.A. - Cowboy Bebop My-chan, I had a dream about that "bisexual and hiragana" search query. I was at a park in my dream, and it was named, "Bisexual Hiragana Park". And I said, in my dream, "So that's where it came from! I should tell her so." So. Bisexual Hiragana Park. Now you know. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 11:43 a.m. Thursday, June 6, 2002 np: Tsumetai Hana - the brilliant green Watched the first two episodes of Noir today. The first had me 100% hooked, the second I found kind of eh. You don't put three minutes of flashbacks in the second episode; that's just...rude to the viewers. I was hyped because I love Kuwashima Houko, but Kirika is about as talkative as a rock. =_= Though I do like it okay, and I've heard it gets much better later on, so I'll keep on watching. Today did not suck at all. I got up at 6:30, was miserable, took a shower, and put on my pajamas and crawled back into bed till noon. Which is really the wrong order of things. Maa, ii ka. And I want desperately to go shopping, but don't have the time before this weekend. I might beg my sister tomorrow morning to see if I can buy a single thing at Express for $50 to wear this weekend. Aniki's (fuckingstupid) grad tomorrow, Les' on Saturday along with her party. And I barely have a thing that fits... =_= "You have tons of clothes!" Yeah, but most of them are from last year, and thus about three sizes too big. *cry* I think the last time I bought anything new to wear was...the nice dress for last September's wedding? How scary. But I have a uniform at school, and if I'm not wearing that, then I'm usually alternating between jeans and pajamas. ^^; So yeah, I really, really wanna buy something cute that fits. (I've been putting off clothes since I swore I'd keep losing weight...and I will, this summer. I wanna lose 15 pounds. But...just one skirt, even...for the meantime.) watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 10:10 p.m. Thursday, June 6, 2002 np: Yasashii Kimochi [Shiawase version] - Chara Why, yes, I did go to sleep five hours ago. Why, yes, I DID wake up over an HOUR ago. This day seems rather sucky on the first try, so I wanna go back to sleep and make this a dream and give the whole day another whirl. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 07:37 a.m. Thursday, June 6, 2002 np: Where Do We Go From Here - Buffy: Once More With Feeling Once again, Les fixes everything. We're now discussing how to make it feasible for Kyou to be a lesbian. That is the sound of my brain screaming. Meimi: Les, make it stop. Les: "Stop." But see, it doesn't work. So why should we ever bother?" watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 01:07 a.m. .

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Meimi? is sixteen (tanjoubi 11/18), is generally a genki person, but her cheerful and innocent appearance masks an evil fangirl mind. XD Sparkles at friends, drawing, shopping at Mitsuwa, manga, shounen ai and yaoi, fangirlism as a way of life Has been reading Hana to Yume, D.N.Angel Has been watching Esca Has been listening to Chara, Cascade, Buriguri, Yoko Kanno, gay rap XD Wishes she could stalk Imonoyama Nokoru, Seguchi Touma, Hayate, Sasame, Souma Yuki, Souma Ayame, Souma Akito, Sei-chan, Youzen, Ran, Ishida Yamato, Ichijouji Ken Wishes she could also stalk (albeit with less enthusiasm) Kusakabe Maron, Kaoru Kozue, Sumeragi Hokuto, Ohkawa Utako, Awayuki Mawata, Haruhara Haruko, Souryu Asuka Langley, Katsuragi Misato, Sakurazuka Setsuka Can be found by email at meimi@strawberrymoon.net or AIM at KSaintTail Current layout: Retro June layout, with the old version six. It's Miyu, Ran, and Aya from the anime GALS!, a great Ribon manga by Fujii Mihona. Lyrics from the ending by Jungle Smile, "Dakishimetai". maybetomorrow archive playlist fanfiction pitas allegretto applesauce atashi.blog aqua stranger basic black cat's delicacy chicken scratch complete strangers den of otakudom disintegration dreams of sakura echoes from the void eyes unclouded faded memories freetalk fuuma's shoes Øgravity green tea ice cream headphones save lives illegible scribbles kaijuu ga iru kudaranai kyoko legal alien lime rain one dimensional pensieve somedays good somedays bad technomancy that damn duck the bishounen diaries the letters from no one tokyo darling tsubasa uncommon valhalla which way is up? winnow in thy abraxas jin sarah shi-chan shiori .