Wednesday, June 5, 2002 Because you are my mother and you are having a bad day, this does not mean everything I do in the world revolves around you. If you're going to pick a fight with me, then shut up and listen, please. Don't start dodging the issue. Don't bitch about my usage of the word "yelling" and claim that you never raised your voice at me, and use my apparent misusage of the English language to dodge the fact that you've been horrible to me. If you make me cry, then LEAVE. ME. THE HELL. ALONE. Now, that's not such a big request, is it? The only reason I want you to be near me when I'm crying is if you realize you've hurt my feelings and are sorry for it. However, as the case is always that you scream (in that QUIET WAY) about how I'm a pathetic crybaby who's pulling the "abused child act" to "SPITE YOU", I'd prefer you stay away. If I were so inclined, I wouldn't be crying in MY room, behind a SHUT DOOR, silently INTO A PILLOW. I would be shuffling around downstairs hiccuping and making really pathetic snuffly noises, or howling with hysteria from the stairs. I took two showers today and was going for a third, because it's the only place in the house I can cry without her hunting me down. See, she does this a lot, and most of the time it's decently my fault because I'm a ditz. However, today we got into a giant screaming match over a zillion things that were simply not my fault. After my permit test she took my birth certificate and social card, put them in her purse, and they were never seen again. So yeah, was totally my own fault that I had no idea where they were. Lord. She's still angry at me - first for no reason, then I was trying to use as few words in her prescence as possible to avoid her erupting and got nabbed for the "meek abused child act", and then I got angry and really did it, and now she's furious. I cried for several hours out of pure habit in these situations, but except for finally getting mad after she screamed at me for ten things that were all her own fault, I didn't do anything that should make me hate myself. Well, except I hated myself anyway and wished I were her ideal child that could bring her something besides fury and anger. I hate not fitting in. I hate that nobody listens to me. I hate that nobody gives a fuck about me. I do not make this up, I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed. I know when people don't care about me, and my family does not, because I am one fucking WEIRD kid. The drawing that's talentless, the Japanese cartoons that everyone's been wishing for years were just a phase I'd grow out of, and the Japanese language that everyone tries to be vaguely proud of me for learning but is more another weird quirk. I was sickeningly fat up till a year ago, in the size 14 sense of the word, and even now I'm far from thin at around sizes 10 or 8 (the other girls in my family are thin and lovely). I'm considered reticent without a sense of humor around the house. Now, if you know me, you know that this is the exact opposite of me when I'm with freaks of my nature. Unfortunately, since nobody at home is interested in what the freak has to say, and I can't exactly make myself interesting, I am BORING AND RETICENT, also posessing no sense of humor. I can't stand not being heard. I can't stand being spoken over. I feel as though I don't get enough love at all, and someday I'll shrivel up like a shadow in the sunlight because I'm not loved enough. You don't need to tell me that you love me. I know, it helps a bit, but it doesn't help enough when I'm living with four other people who don't love me. Family can be a strong link, but it's very weak unless you have pride for it, or love your family as people. I am "loved" out of that obligation of family, but nobody in this house would care to have a thing to do with me if we were not "family". It breaks me. The other two are slackers that don't give a shit about our parents. I'm getting bitched out for wanting to go Les' graduation instead of a family brunch the day after my brother's. I don't give a shit about my brother's graduation, frankly. Well, I phrased that incorrectly, I'm GLAD HE'S GRADUATING and leaving (what with him plagiarizing school papers and nearly flunking out, it brings new sense of "graduation celebration"), but do not care to sit at a table and act like he's fucking brilliant after all the crap he pulled this year. HE NEARLY FLUNKED OUT, PEOPLE; HE PLAGIARIZED PAPERS: BOTH MY PARENTS ARE TEACHERS. They work AGAINST that SHIT for their LIVES. And then he pulls all that crap, and we're supposed to just be, "well, yay for you, you actually managed to get away with all that!" Now, why is he acceptable? You'd think the frigging 4.0 little sister who helps around the house instead of sitting on her ass playing video games would be able to do as she pleased, and go to her friend's graduation party? But no! You see, said little girl who tries really hard at school and home, is the FREAK. Brother, who is stupid, inconsiderate, and slightly IMMORAL, has....CHARISMA. He's witty. He can make the family laugh. It doesn't matter that he's a failure everywhere else across the board. It just matters that he's the guy people like. Never mind he has no real friends, but everyone LIKES him well enough. God...I feel tired. Not awful. I'll live. I'll survive. I'll move on, because that's the only way to change anything and take a chance. Here's to hoping I'm not grounded by tomorrow evening. Hell, here's to hoping she doesn't rip my throat out. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 10:38 p.m. Wednesday, June 5, 2002 np: Ice Cream - Chara And I also bought a Kuroneko plushie for Les (was really suprised Suncoast was selling them *_*; and cheap!! Ali bought hers for $12 at con and they had them for $7) and now must get one for myself. I have placed it in several places in my room, and it has a delightfully random feeling about it. The kitty never really belongs anywhere, so no matter where you put it, it's random. Right. I'm not crazy. Go buy one and you'll see what I mean; kuroneko is good for the soul anyway. So...things to do this week? -Meg's package. Meg, I swear, I almost deserve HizukixSakataki at this point. -Winamp skins. -start attempting to talk Mom into AX. -sign up for my photography class. -Bound color pages. -try to figure out how to get to Mitsu soon - my multiliners are all dying. My 1.0, 3.0, and BS are all nearly dead from overuse, and my 0.1 and 0.05 aren't much better because they're worn down to an extremely thick point, making any detail work impossible. =_= 0.05 doesn't even HAVE a point anymore; it's completely vanished. Blaaaaah. Plus need to buy four Copic just to replace the ones I have that are completely worn out. Laaaa. I love summer vacation. It is 1:33 in the afternoon, and I am seated in front of the computer eating my third bowl of Coco Puffs. Yum. Though seriously, I find most cereal to be a complete waste of time to eat. Most of it is so puffy and popped that once it's digested, its actual substance is probably about 1/4 the size of what the bowl looks like. I usually find eating cereal leaves me hungrier than if I hadn't eaten at all (but we must consider that my preferred cereals are Coco Puffs, Cocoa Krispies, Cocoa Pebbles - you get the picture). And I got $50 today, whee! I'm saving in the case that I succeed in talking Mom into going to AX with Les (fat chance, but giving it my best shot). Otherwise, shopping spree at Mitsu...I want the HYDE "shallow sleep" single; it looks so cool *_* and Nervous Venus 5...and Gohou Drug 2...and markers...and phonebook magazines. Wah, I haven't been to Mitsu in over a month...it seems like such a long time, for some reason. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 01:16 p.m. Wednesday, June 5, 2002 np: evergreen - HYDE Ishida Yamato animal crackers? ........yum. *__* watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 12:02 a.m. Tuesday, June 4, 2002 np: To The Light - Star Ocean EX I have a weird thing with gift art. If I'm drawing something for someone, I almost never want to show it off to anyone else. "Can I see what you're drawing?" "...no?" If I'm drawing something for that person, it's theirs. I feel like I cheapen it if I show it to a zillion other people. (Just bought a frame of the portrait I made of Les, see, and 'Kaasan saw it and now she's hyped to get it copied. I can see where this is going. She never gives a damn about anything I do, a fine time for her to take to something I've drawn. I so don't want this thing to be shipped everywhere and back. It's damn good, but it's for her.) watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 07:14 p.m. Monday, June 3, 2002 np: Dearest - Hamasaki Ayumi By the time this night is over, I will have twenty-five inked pages of Bound in my hands. First chapter's full b&w portion. Finished. And with just the remaining inking of pages left, and the current feeling of having accomplished twenty-five pages, I know that being finished will be the best feeling in the world. I shall now go continue to SQUEAL to anyone who cares. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 08:15 p.m. Sunday, June 2, 2002 np: Give A Reason - Hayashibara Megumi And then there are the rare moments in life when I almost want to smack Les. XD "AUUUUGH!!! THEY'RE GOING TO KILL OFF MIROKUU!!!" "WHAAAAT?!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY *CAN'T*!!! *cue anguished fangirl screams*" ".....oh. Heh, false alarm. Of course Takahashi would never do that. XD" "....." watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 11:39 p.m. Saturday, June 1, 2002 np: Dakishimetai - Jungle Smile After several hours of sleep (and I'm still tired), I am now...half-alive. Now HERE is the REAL question: have I missed the actual SATs? I know I signed up for them, and I know the ticket is in my document box, but I don't wanna go find it just to see I missed it since I think it was in May. *whimper* I thought I was taking the SATs today and while standing in line in the cold, stared at my ticket that read SATII in brilliant letters across the top. It's not a Happy Feeling. While I am a total ditz, I felt this was worse than my usual ditziness. Sparkly old layout - I really liked this one, somehow. :3 And this song is fabulous, by the way: lyrics are here. Gorgeous. Meia, when/if you finish it, I would love to see. *SPARKLE* Shiori...where are you? I have new! color! page! new! pages! I want you to see~! And...though I haven't accomplished a thing today (besides that SATII thing) I think I might go crash. Again. I don't understand it; I was drooping through the test, too...I got plenty of sleep beforehand. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 09:04 p.m. Saturday, June 1, 2002 np: Kimi no Sumu Machikado - Tokyo Babylon This is Meimi after three hours of SATIIs: ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzz. My brain turned to mush in the middle of the US history one, which I personally found more difficult than the AP. It had a bunch of things I've never even heard of. =_= And now I want to go do something completely mindless that doesn't require eyesight since my eyes are exhausted from squinting at the little bubbles. The only option seems to be sleep. I'll put up my retro layout later tonight, if I wake up. And both of you, I'm glad you liked the gay rap. But everyone ought to like it, because I can't think of anything better for the soul. Chicken Soup for the Fangirl Soul, even. Now that's a book that needs to be written....I'd better get to sleep. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 01:39 p.m. Friday, May 31, 2002 np: Kirei na Kanjou - Arai Akino Still tired, despite getting eleven hours of sleep. I think it's time to accept the tiredness has something to do with the not-eating, but I really don't wanna eat now. Family will probably go out to eat soon so no point in fixing anything. Also is time to accept that working on Bound for a whole day is impossible. I can draw for a day; that's not an issue. It's editing the pages and squinting at the pages in Photoshop that's stressful and exhausting - I can't do that kind of detail work for hours on end. No wonder my eyes are getting worse; I can't see fifteen feet away properly anymore. But...maybe eight more pages to edit. Maybe nine, not sure - I'll attempt two more tonight. SO tired though. I think I might go take a nap. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 03:58 p.m. Thursday, May 30, 2002 np: I'll Be - Edmin McCain Plug for Shiori's art. It's our manga Bound, it's Shiori, so of course it's good. All of you who love me: I plan to consume your collective souls with our manga, which I plot to release around Saturday. Be warned. And Shiori, might be up to nineteen tonight if I stay away. Check everything from the very beginning (it's changed) and email me what you think whenever you have time, since AIM seems iffy at the moment. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 10:19 p.m. Thursday, May 30, 2002 np: I'll Be - Edwin McCain I am a senior. The fact won't hit for at least another week, I'm sure. I'm exhausted - the math final went about as abyssmally as I expected it would, but I only needed 38% so let's hope I get it, rah. I now present a list of things that I swore I would finish by Saturday, but I kind of doubt since I wasn't able to get home early this week when school was dismissed at noon, and I have SATs this Saturday anyhow. -Bound. I might really finish this tomorrow; I think it only requires one steady day alone and uninterrupted. But I'm tired so I might sleep a lot of the day away. -finishing of many Winamp skins. It's my vague goal in life to do a skin series featuring basically all Utena couples (Akio with Utena and Anshii only, let's not get outrageous here). I've done Juri/Shiori, Utena/Anthy, and only need to finish the buttons on a Ruka/Juri one which I want done. I've started Saionji/Touga and Kozue/Miki already too. -update MT, there's stuff I've done but been too lazy to put up. -fix up old layout for retro month. I'm sure there's more, but my brain is too tired to recall it all at the moment. My-chan, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It seems like such a sort time ago I was wishing you happy 19th though... ^^ Shiori, around when are on AIM nowadays? With exams I've been crashing way early so I have no idea now. I figure you must be busier with work but...miss you. *glomp* Meia, you're writing Spike/Dru fic? *__* SPARKLE. And I am off to either fall asleep or draw or something. Way tired. watashi anata dakishimeru yo @ 04:48 p.m. .

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Meimi? is sixteen (tanjoubi 11/18), is generally a genki person, but her cheerful and innocent appearance masks an evil fangirl mind. XD Sparkles at friends, drawing, shopping at Mitsuwa, manga, shounen ai and yaoi, fangirlism as a way of life Has been reading Hana to Yume, D.N.Angel Has been watching Esca Has been listening to Chara, Cascade, Buriguri, Yoko Kanno, gay rap XD Wishes she could stalk Imonoyama Nokoru, Seguchi Touma, Hayate, Sasame, Souma Yuki, Souma Ayame, Souma Akito, Sei-chan, Youzen, Ran, Ishida Yamato, Ichijouji Ken Wishes she could also stalk (albeit with less enthusiasm) Kusakabe Maron, Kaoru Kozue, Sumeragi Hokuto, Ohkawa Utako, Awayuki Mawata, Haruhara Haruko, Souryu Asuka Langley, Katsuragi Misato, Sakurazuka Setsuka Can be found by email at meimi@strawberrymoon.net or AIM at KSaintTail Current layout: Retro June layout, with the old version six. It's Miyu, Ran, and Aya from the anime GALS!, a great Ribon manga by Fujii Mihona. Lyrics from the ending by Jungle Smile, "Dakishimetai". maybetomorrow archive playlist fanfiction pitas allegretto applesauce atashi.blog aqua stranger basic black cat's delicacy chicken scratch complete strangers den of otakudom disintegration dreams of sakura echoes from the void eyes unclouded faded memories freetalk fuuma's shoes Øgravity green tea ice cream headphones save lives illegible scribbles kaijuu ga iru kudaranai kyoko legal alien lime rain one dimensional pensieve somedays good somedays bad technomancy that damn duck the bishounen diaries the letters from no one tokyo darling tsubasa uncommon valhalla which way is up? winnow in thy abraxas jin sarah shi-chan shiori .