Saturday, December 7, 2002

From: James D
To: maneki_neko@kswildcat.com
Subject: Conner
Date: Sat, 7 Dec 2002 19:19:23 –0800

are you sane?


I think it only makes sense to seek out and identify structures of authority, hierarchy, and domination in every aspect of life, and to challenge them; unless a justification for them can be given, they are illegitimate, and should be dismantled, to increase the scope of human freedom.

Noam Chomsky,

What sort of question is that?! I can’t believe you would say something like that after trying to get me in trouble with that other person for no good reason, especially since I have never said anything bad at all about him and I am not connected to him in any way. I don’t think Noam Chomsky would ever do something like that if someone criticized him and he’s a lot smarter than me and most people I know. Do you think Noam Chomsky sent e-mails like that to Christopher Hitchens when they were like totally fighting after 9-11? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Is this some sort of mean practical joke? Are you really my brother, Brett? I can’t believe he would do something like this, especially so soon after he TOTALLY HACKED my blog! It has to be him, because no one in a band could be so concerned about what a girl like me writes in her blog that only a few people even read. I think I can probably count on two hands even reads this. Let’s see. There’s Julian. I don’t know if Brett is still snooping, but if you are him, then I guess he does. Oh yeah, and I can’t forget Julian’s poor brother. I think JohnJon also still looks at it occasionally and then a few random. How can what I say affect what anyone thinks? I mean, in a way you are totally right because most people do think I am crazy because of my belief in faeries, but even those people, like JohnJon, are at least nice about and don’t try to pick on me or threaten me.

In fact, the more I think about it, James D has to be Brett. Really clever, brother. Nice try. You’re so cool picking on me when EVERYTHING in my life is totally falling apart. Gosh, everyone knows its funny to pick on Erin because who doesn’t like to pick on someone who cries themselves to sleep every night? C’mon everyone! Kick her while she’s down! There’s just so many things we could make fun of Erin for . . . I don’t even know where to start. Shall we call her a liar and a loser? That’s always a good one. SHE HAS TO BE CRAZY! She’s believe in faeries and makes things up. Here’s a deep thought, though. In a way, isn’t life sort of fake anyone in that we all sort of make up our own stories from the raw materials we process through our senses? I remember watching Rashoman with Julian a while back and like everyone one of the people had a different story about what happened. Aren’t we all like that about everything? Of course, I don’t really want to think about what sort of stories jerks like Brett or North making in their sick little heads. It can’t be positive or healthy.

Please, just leave me alone if you don’t have anything nice to say at all. I’m so tired right now. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tried of think everyone is conspiring to do something bad to me. Won’t someone lift the curse off of me? I don’t want to think that maybe the faeries put it on me because I did something to upset them. I can’t help sometimes but think that maybe the faeries put it on me because I did something to upset them. I’m sorry! Forgive, faeries! Please tell me what I can do! At least tell me what I did! *too tense to give anyone a hug*

Saturday, December 7, 2002

I don’t know if I should say anything about this because I am very scared. The lead singer of a local band is out to get me because of stuff I wrote about his group. I think you know who it is. Anyway, he is totally being beyond mean to me, even contacting someone who lives in Lawrence who has my same last night. The person he contacted then sent me an e-mail threatening to sue me for liable because he has the same last name as I do, which I didn’t think was a crime or anything. Good thing my last name isn’t “Smith” or something like that or I would be buried under lawsuits. :-( This person with my same last name even wanted me to send him my address and to stop blogging, or he would send his lawyers after me. I don’t know what to do. I am so scared. I feel completely paranoid like people are now out to get me. I’m even sort of afraid to go on the internet now. GAWD! What more can I do? Didn’t I admit that when I wrote about that local band that it was first thing I had written and that it probably was bad? I completely don’t understand how that justifies a vendetta against me like I’m some poor little fox being chased by hounds.

Is that what you want me to say? If it makes you leave me alone, then I don’t care:

EVERYTHING IN THIS BLOG IS A WORK OF FICTION. THE AUTHOR HAS NEVER EVEN BEEN TO LAWRENCE, KS EVER. SIMILARITIES TO REAL PEOPLE ARE ONLY COINCEDENCES UNLESS THEY ARE COMMENTARIES ABOUT PUBLIC ENTERTAINERS OR PEOPLE IN THE NEWS OR POLITICIANS OR LIKE BANDS AND STUFF. ERIN CARUTHERS IS NOT RELATED TO ANY OTHER CARUTHERS IN KANSAS OR THE UNITED STATES OR THE WORLD, EXCEPT OF COURSE HER DUMB BROTHER, BRETT, AND HER DAD, WHO IS ALWAYS AWAY ON BUSINESS. ALSO, FAERIES AREN’T REAL EITHER AND THERE ARE NO BANDS CALLED THE ULDRAS OR THE GLUONS. PUCK AND MANNY ARE ALSO JUST CHARACTERS AND NOT BASED ON REAL CATS.

Maybe I should just give this blog up. My life is already beyond complicated and it just seems to be getting totally worse and worse every day. I’m not even sure Julian is enough to help me keep myself together even though he may be the only thing keeping me together. I’m not even sure I want to talk about the package the Singhs sent me. It contained a letter from Mrs. Singh, a stuffed animal and a letter Chann had written to me right before she died but didn’t send. Mrs. Singh’s letter was really sweet. She apologized for being all stressed out while I was Modesto, which is totally understandable. I image her losing Chann is like me losing my mom and boy was I out of it after that. In the letter she also told me that the stuffed animal, which was like this monkey, was Chann’s favorite and it was named Louie. Louie looks like he was very loved. Some of his fur is even threadbare from being hugged and one of his button eyes is loose. I haven’t read the letter yet. I just can’t make myself. I’m like almost afraid of it. It’s enough that I started crying after I read Mrs. Singh’s letter, hugging Louie tightly. Maybe I’ll try to read it tomorrow and talk about it Monday, that is if I continue with this blog that has been causing me nothing but trouble. I guess, though, since I’m fake it doesn’t really matter what I do since I’m not real anyway.

I read something in Grandfather’s journal today that completely sounded like what’s happening to me:

I was uncomfortable having Fergus begging for my help. Really, I think, I secretly hoped that he would be destroyed, especially considering the horror that he had inflicted upon my family and myself. As far as I was concerned, Fergus should never have attempted to be involved with the Faeries. He richly deserved the curse they had placed upon him, though what that curse was is still a mystery. I can’t say I agree with Fergus’ belief that he will age three years for every one . . .

I’m conviced that I’ve been cursed too, though I can’t imagine anything I’ve done that is as terrible as some of the stuff Grandpa says in his journal that Fergus did. At least Fergus knew why he was being punished, while all I can do is guess. Am I just a bad person who deserves to suffer? Is it too late for me to change whatever Idid to be cursed? I so want to be a better person and I know I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’m too selfish. I’m stupid. What’s the use? Puck won’t even let me pet him. Puck is like my life right there in front of me to always remind me, me trying to love him and then getting hurt. I’m so very tired. I might as well take a nap. Julian was supposed to come over, but he can’t now. :-(

*I need a hug this time*

Saturday, December 7, 2002

MUGGING UPDATE: They caught that piece of SHIT North burglarizing someone's house with his 'pals' in crime! At least that's the word going around school, which doesn't automatically make it true or anything. I guess he was in the old part of Lawrence with his group of dickhead friends up to his usual badness and I guess they were probably drunk or high or BOTH and got it in their heads to try and talk their way into this old lady's house. But the woman was smart and didn't buy their line of shit and wouldn't let them in 'to help them' so they could help themselves. Well, they broke in anyway and neighbors heard the woman screaming and called the cops (yay!). Everyone but North escaped, and he didn't get away because the old woman was one of those shut in types that have a bunch of cats, which took it upon themselves to attack North. lol Good kitties. This is still just a rumor as far as I know, but gawd I hate to admit I can believe North and his pals could do something like that. According to the latest gossip they're still looking for North's friends, but they actually already have North himself. *flips her lid* This is scary! These are the same people that mugged me! Burglary! And Gwynn wouldn't admit it was North that mugged me out of some deranged devotion to him. I could have been killed by the psycho! That old woman could have been killed by him! >:-( They aren't up to innocent fun and games here, this is seriously bad stuff. I was so PISSED about that, I just wanted to go over to Gwynn at lunch and SCREAM at her. Ugh. But I didn't. *scratches head* I wonder if I'll have to testify or anything? Will they even bother with my mugging at all? I kind of in a sort of way hope not, because I don't want to have to testify and look at that piece of shit North in a trial, especially knowing how he treated Gwynn, who is like some sort of abuse-craving maniac. )c: I don't even particularly care if I ever have Gwynn as a friend again right now. I know she's been going through some incredibly bad times (an abortion for literally crying out loud!), but there's so much I can push under the rug and ignore and that rug is looking like a mountain right about now, lol. And North, he's not a shithead or a piece of shit, he's the shit shit shits out, he's shit's shit. He's not a shithead, he's a shit pimple on a shithead. LOL OK, that's pretty *GROSS* to imagine, lol. :-P

Gawd, you should have seen me explaining my two day absence to all my teachers yesterday! Um...if the dictionary was going around looking for pictures to make their publication tolerable they would have been there to take a picture of me for the 'awkward' heading. *blushes just remembering it*

Blah. I took Puck to the vet. They said I should get him 'fixed', as if there's something broken about him! Isn't maybe just a little bit wierd how we think it's abnormal and even immoral for a pet not to be 'fixed'? But, he's not old enough to get that done yet. And, they won't do declawings there because it's 'inhumane'! OK, there are contradictions on so many levels here it's absurd, lol. But let me just make this extremely clear. I think declawing probably is very painful to the cat, but there just comes a time when there is no alternative. Which would be more painful? The temporary physical hurt of getting claws ripped out or the psychological hurt of being taken to the pound because the animal is just too wild to live with? So, the Animal Clinic of Kaw Valley is probably putting alot of people in a situation where they have to make a really tough and heartwrenching decision to give up their animals. They're probably actually hurting more animals than they're helping with their little 'policy'. AND, why is declawing considered 'inhumane' if they have NO problem with cutting the balls off every animal walking through their doors? Help me with this maybe, I'm confused about the logic. *scratches head* And just to nitpick a little more, why did they keep saying 'inhumane' this and 'inhumane' that when we're talking about animals? LOL I've come to a conclusion about veterinarians, but maybe I shouldn't say it since that might be like pot calling the cocaine whack. Well, I'm going to say it. This is my blog for my thoughts I guess, even if they are in the public domain. I think veterinarians are hippies and doctors that failed medical school, lol. ;-)

*feels heart sink like an anchor* Second rate medicine and 'inhumane' treatment UNFORTUNATELY remind me of Joe's terrible death. I guess I've put that off for long enough, it's just pretty hard for me to talk about because he was special to me, even though I really didn't know him very well. Joe was hit by a car really late at night not too far from the Starbucks. The person that hit him didn't even bother to call an ambulance from a payphone or anything, they just drove off AND LEFT HIM TO DIE. OK, I can see being scared of the repercussions of something like that, but it's FUCKING PATHETIC when they don't even call for help which they could have done anonymously. The worst part about that is that he wasn't totally killed by the car hitting him, what really killed him was hypothermia from being left on the cold pavement for so long before someone found him and took him to the hospital and the incredibly idiotic behavior of the hospital. Once he was in the hospital they apparently thought he was drunk since he was homeless, unresponsive and laying in the road. First they didn't check on him to see if he was hit by a car or anything and then after they did figure that out they didn't check to see if he was hypothermic!!! And he's dead because of it. Ugh. And even though I didn't know him super well it really affected me. Gawd, I'm wiping away tears right now even as I type about it.

Joe's death is actually how I got fired from Jubilee Cafe even though I was only a volunteer to begin with. I was asked never to return! lol Sure I can laugh about it now, but... Gawd I was so pissed when it happened, mostly because they were conspiring against me to fire me all because of Barda, I'm sure. GRRRRRRRR!!!!! It's water over the bridge now. Whatever. What happened though is that after Joe died and I found out about it I came to Jubilee Cafe for one of my shifts and during that shift while talking to Julian I said 'fucking' really loud and everyone heard me. LOL Jubilee Cafe IS in a church and all, and I do refrain from using bad language as much as possible, but it's not like it's the first time I've cussed in there, with no repercussions, and it's not like the first time other people have cussed in there with no repercussions, including Mrs. Tavener, and it's DEFINATELY not the first time the homeless people eating there have cussed out loud, really out loud, lol. Buuuut...after my shift was over Mrs. Tavener came up to me and very abruptly told me that was it, there would be no more of my 'shenanigans' and that if I called begging to give me another chance I'd be wasting my breath. Gawd, I felt about an inch tall right after that, and then I got really angry about it, especially since Mrs. Tavener said 'damnit' at least twice in the very conversation about me getting fired for cussing! It was insanely unfair! Oh gawd, and what really got to me was when Barda smiled and waved at me as I was leaving. I guess the only good thing was that they didn't decide to punish Julian too for my 'mistake'. But, I'm over it now, even if I do get angry every time I think of Barda lol. *grumbles quietly* It really has kind of screwed me over though, I don't know where I'm going to finish my community service thing for the National Honor Society and every day that I'm not working means more hours piled on top of each other later on for me. Ugh. :-

*deep sighs* Well, visiting Ray yesterday was incredibly saddening to me. Ugh. I have to admit I was a little scared to be around so many 'crazy' people, even though most people think I'm crazy and I tend to think most other people are seriously nuts, lol. I went with Ray's mom and Patrick. Thankfully Patrick was actually pretty good and didn't crack too many jokes. I think he was serious because this is his best friend that lost it, and it's harder to make fun of someone else's misfortune when you're personally connected, and especially when that other person's mother is standing with you. )c: Ray was out of it. He was awake and all, but he just kind of stared into space and he seemed completely emotionless, which is how he always was, but he was even more so yesterday. The doctors say that this is only because of his medicine though, and that he's actually EXTREMELY vocal the rest of the time, which is why he's on these medicines in the first place. I can NEVER imagine this, but the lady at the desk when we came in said he has been somewhat violent a couple of times and that we had to remove anything that oculd possibly be dangerous, just in case. They don't keep him in an 'open population' which means I wasn't in a room with a bunch of insane people like I feared I would be. *grimaces* I'm SO ashamed of myself for being so prejudiced against crazy people that I'm so scared to be around them, I feel like a racist in a black neighborhood or something. Blech. And I guess I'm kind of scared that they'll mistake me for one of the insane people and lock me up and not let me out and my dad would never come to let me out because he's busy with business. :-@ LOL Totally irrational, I know. Anyway, we could only visit Ray for a really short time and then we had to head off. I guess he's been diagnosed with schizophrenia, which seems like the mental disease every crazy person has. I think 'schizophrenia' actually means 'fuck if I know what's wrong', especially since there are so many categories of it. They say Ray thinks he's someone else. But it's not multiple personality disorder (MPD) because he's not more than one person, he just thinks he's some other person I guess. I'm not too clear on it because they didn't say, but he probably thinks he's his grandfather, since he was so obsessed with him after he died. Whatever is wrong with Ray, it's terrible to see him like this. And it's terrible to see how it hurts his mom and even how it hurts Patrick, who seemed genuinely upset. Gawd, what a long and quiet ride home that was.

Yesterday was the first time I learned anything about Music Therapy though. When I first heard the term I was thinking, 'Oh brother, what the hell is this?' but after it was explained to me better I think it's actually a pretty good idea, at least it's worth trying. I guess an expert gauges the patient's response to music, to making music, and so on. And I guess playing music at all is therapeutic by itself. So, music therapy is a way for the doctors to understand and help change Ray's illness. The doctors think there is a 'wonderful recuperative opportunity' for Ray with music therapy, and that the Uldras can be super helpfull with that. Both me and Patrick agree that if we can do ANYTHING to help Ray, we'd be willing to try it. So, we're bringing it up with the rest of the band at the next practice, but even if they don't agree I'm sure me and Patrick will do this. I guess what we'll be doing is practicing with Ray on a regular basis just like normal, except with the therapist present. I'd never heard of this before, but I guess it makes some kind of sense. It can't be any worse than some of the other 'treatments' in mental hospitals. They still shock people for fuck's sake! Psychiatry is like magic or medieval science or something, they'll try anything over and over whether it really works or not. And when the patient DOES get better, they can say it was because of their wonderful treatment. Maybe this will work, who knows. Maybe it will just make Ray a little happier while he's in that hell. )c: I hate to admit it, but I was watching VH-1 one day (oh gawd, it's too late to suck that admission back in, lol) and I saw a show called 'Music Behind Bars' or something like that. It's where convicts play music, basically. At the time I thought it was just horrible and exploitative and totally unfair to the victims and the families of the victims of the criminals that are now getting fame on TV. (I guess I wasn't so offended that I turned it off though. :-|) And I've even heard about the show after that, and it's causing alot of controversy apparently(so I wasn't insane for thinking it was pretty shitty of VH-1 to do that after all). Well, after the little visit to see Ray and me learning about music therapy, I'm not so sure it IS a bad thing. What if this show isn't about VH-1 making a bunch of money from yet another shitty reality TV show? What if it isn't glorifying these criminals, some of which have done terrible things like burn babies? What if the show is actually music therapy, helping to rehabilitate these criminals while they are locked up instead of just shutting them away to ignore the problem until that problem is back on the streets again? Huh? Have all the detractors even thought that might be a possibility? And what if VH-1 IS onyl doing this for greed and because they are slimy creeps? If it's still achieving the effect of music therapy, even if it's not meant as music therapy, then mabe this isn't such a bad idea after all. Ugh. Sorry, I was starting to get all 'deep thoughts' on you again, lol. :-) But seriously. And here's an even more provocative theory... If music can be therapeutic, and art is therapeutic (there's 'art therapy' too), and vacations are therapeutic to people that work the rest of the year and so on, should we maybe consider offering all these kinds of therapies to convicts if it'll help rehabilitate them instead of ignoring them? I mean, if it'll help reform them then maybe we SHOULD let them take vacations from prison, or do music therapy on VH-1, or let them do whatever they think is cathartic. Don't we want to prevent them from committing the same crimes later on more than we want to punish them in some kind of insane Al-Qaeda way? *shrugs*

I got a package in the mail today from the Singhs, but I've avoided opening it because the memory of Chann and that whole debacle are still fresh in my memory. I better open it soon I guess, but not right now, not right now. *tears up*

*hugs*

Friday, December 6, 2002

I feel terrible about this, but I had to lock Puck in the bathroom tonight. He’s like a million times more vicious than he was before I left for Modesto and since Julian was coming over I just couldn’t have Puck out and about with his claws and teeth sinking into everything. At first I thought maybe something had happened when Chris was babysitting, but I that certainly wasn’t the case after I talked to him at practice yesterday. Poor Chris was covered in band-aids and one of his hand was completely wrapped in iodine soaked gauze. He was so apologetic for not being able to control Puck very well and I know it isn’t his fault. I totally feel terrible about it though because Chris looked so bad and he was completely nervous. Puck must have been unbearable! Maybe I should take him to the vet tomorrow . . .

I guess since I already mentioned it, I should talk about practice yesterday, even though it was really more of a try-out for the “new” person Patrick brought. It’s kind of weird, but we’re still playing in Ray’s garage because his mom’s insists that Ray would have wanted it that way. I think we should move to my garage or maybe Patrick’s, but Ray’s mom will have nothing to do with it. She’s says it feels reassuring to have us there, and even gave us a key to the garage’s side door. Let’s just say, though, that I was sort of shocked when I got there and found at the “new person” was Matthew. Matthew could tell I was totally not into him being there, so he asked to talk to me outside to reassure me. I was so blow away when Matthew told me that he wasn’t living with Brett anymore and that he had quit the Gluons. I guess he couldn’t take the way Brett has been acting lately and he thought what he had done to my blog was really terrible thing. I guess Brett was bragging about it a lot and Matthew thought it was just petty. Plus, I guess Brett has a new girlfriend too, though Matthew wouldn’t tell me who she was, who irritated him a lot since she was hanging out at the apartment all of the time. Matthew said that was the last straw and he moved out. I was even more suprised when he then told me that Brett’s new roommate is Chip, who Ray kicked out of our band. Chip is also now the new lead singer for the Gluons too, which totally is unbelievable, especially if you have ever heard Chip’s squeaky, nerve racking voice. He should have stayed a drummer if you ask me. Anyway, after Matthew and I had our little talk we played a few songs with him and he was totally awesome playing all these programs and stuff on his laptop computer. I hate to say this, but the stuff he was doing really fleshed out our songs and made them sound even better. Unfortunately, we could only play a few because Chris’ bandaged fingers started bleeding, which totally made me feel guilty since Puck was responsible. :-( Still, we pretty much all decided instantly that we wanted Matthew in the band. It’ll be great to have someone more normal in the group now, someone with their head more tightly bolted on. I’m actually excited to play again next Friday after school.

I don’t feel like talking about it right now, but after practice Ray’s mom drove Patrick and I to visit Ray. I feel pretty traumatized by the whole experience and I need to digest it a little before I talk about it.

Also, did you see that Ray Wallace, that guy who claimed to have created Bigfoot died? I guess he said he created the whole thing by carving these giant feet and leaving footprints all over the forest to fool people. Sometimes I get scared that maybe faeries aren’t real too, especially with what people have said about the Cottingley Faeries . . . but then I always remind myself about Grandfather’s journal and I know they are real and that someday I will see and talk to them. In fact tonight I was paging through them while watching TV with Julian, who came over for a little while. It was so awesome to just snuggle with Julian for a while, even if we could both hear Puck furiously scratching at the bathroom door. Most important of all, Julian even opened up to me a little more, telling me about the recent “family stuff” he had been dealing with and he even said it would be OK if I mentioned it here, especially with what I found out. If you’ve checked out my guestbook lately, this real psycho named K.F. Jason Dickerson has been leaving messages. Well, I guess that’s Julian’s brother (which should have been sort of obvious to me since they both have the same last name). Julian said he had told him about me and my blog when his dad and him had gone to help him. Julian’s brother, I guess, has some really bad mental problems or something that started to show up a few years a go. The last month he’s been a little more worse than usual, so they had to go and try to help him and maybe also try to get him some professional help, but I guess they failed. Now wonder Julian is so understanding about Ray. I think Julian must be like the sexiest saint ever.

Ughhh! I got to go now. I think I might let Puck out of the bathroom now. He seems to have totally calmed down. Wish me luck! *Hugs*

Wednesday, December 4, 2002

*stretches and yawns in the vast expanse of my ho-ho-home* LOL It feels great to be back in my personal space and without the constant hum of the road underneath me. I actually got back awhile ago and I've mostly been checking up on things and resting, resting, resting. I was very happy to know Puck IS alive and things don't seem to be out of place. At least I now know for sure Puck loves me! He seemed all relieved when I walked in the door and he wouldn't leave me alone. He even scratched me to punish me for leaving him, lol. Hum. Actually, maybe that should make me mad, but it was a scratch of caring and not a scratch of nastiness. (c: He really got me good too. Right across the front of my shin, the little brat even tore my pants a little bit. But he got his too, some of the thread got stuck in his claws and couldn't get it off and he got all frantic, lol. I tried to get his claws out of the fabric but he was trying to bite me when I tried to hold him still to untangle his toes and my pants. I laughed and laughed and laughed, but he got all pissed and when he got free just trotted off like he was King of the World, trying to maintain his dignity. LOL Which makes me wonder, should I get him declawed since he seems to like to use them on people so much? I know that supposedly hurts cats alot, but I just wonder if maybe I should, before what's cute now gets out of hand later on? *scratches head*

*sighs* Let's see. I went to Julian's and returned his computer, which I am SO grateful for him letting me borrow. We're going to get together and 'do something' tomorrow. Quality time type stuff. If I have any time I'll try to meet up with him later tonight, or at least call him. Destiny has kept us apart for too long lately, and WE WILL fix that AND make up for lost time, lol. Julian is too good to let go of. Unlike Brandan and Patrick and the few other boys I've dated or been seen with by accident in the past, Julian is the real deal, a man. *blushes for being so obviously in love and lust* LOL It's probably way too early. Actually, I KNOW it's way too early to be thinking about this kind of stuff, but I can totally picture us married with kids. Although, I don't really want any kids. LOL OK, I'm being slap happy silly. :-P

Kind of on the hopeful/disconcerting front there were a bunch of messages from William Tanner-Simpson on the answering machine. Oops, I wasn't here. I guess he's got some new information and he wants to talk to me 'cause I'm the most available and apparently the most willing to cooperate and actually do something about finding out what happened to Mom. But hey, we all already know how much of a dick Brett is, and Dad's too busy worshipping the almighty work god. Ugh. As time goes on, the more and more I get disgusted with my own family, even with such a huge amount of space. I guess that's probably WHY they piss me off so much anymore really, I'm not constantly crowded in with them, blinding myself into thinking they're such great people. I love my brother and my Dad still, of course, and even though my brother doesn't deserve it probably, but they've all pretty much decided to live off in their own worlds without me. )c; I must have cooties after all or something, lol. Because there aren't many people that want to be around me anymore, or so it seems. Of course families grow apart and all that, but so soon? I'm only 18, and Dad's been doing this for almost two years now. *sigh* Brett leaving for college made sense of course, so I can't fault HIM there, no matter how much I want to. And Minnie, gawd, I don't know what to think. It's a shitty thing to knowingly date a former boyfriend of your niece isn't it? It seems like something out of Jerry Springer, which makes me cringe in total disgust. Anyway, I'm more than happy to help Tanner-Simpson out. I've got to give him the gratitude of a whole family since the rest of the family seems pretty damn disinterested in his totally kind and unprodded efforts. How I could ever think he was anything but the bestest (<--on purpose, lol) man on Earth, I'll never be able to figure out. :-|

So 'the band formerly known as the Uldras' have their first (late) practice tonight, after what I like to call 'the incident' happened. Ugh. Patrick is bringing that new guy for the band to check out. We'll see. I don't know what to think quite honestly. It's Patrick after all, one minute he's great and the next he's totally juvenile or stupid. Blech. Even more to the point, I hope to find out if Ray is allowed to have visitors. And I can get the full Puck report from Chris.

I STILL haven't heard anything from Cheryl, no messages on the machine at least. She's all wrapped up in her new boyfriend I guess. Hum, it kind of sucks, but I know the feeling. :- I know nothing of her new beau, I just hope he's better than the last one, even if they did part on good terms, he seemed like he was just using her. Typical college boy bullshit. Harumph. lol I don't THINK I could have possibly pissed her off, unless I've said something in this blog that made her angry, which is entirely possible. Ugh. I have no idea. Clueless as usualy. *boing boing*

I went to Alley Cat Records today when I was pretty sure Brett wouldn't be there so I could talk to Cletus and return the last batch of albums he let me borrow, which I've had for way too long now. *snaps fingers* He wasn't there, and luckily neither was Brett, the pisshead. I guess Cletus is on one of his 'missions', going to some store or personal collection of music or something of some guy way over in South Dakota. LOL This guy has no money, and yet I guess he makes these absurd trips several times a year just to hunt down obscure music. They (they being the clerk working today and a guy that seems to be around alot) say he goes all over the country and sometimes even to other countries to track stuff down for his personal collection. In fact, alot of the stuff for sale is from his personal collection. What drives someone to that kind of obsession? It's kind of dysfunctional, if you ask me, lol. But who am I to define dysfunctional? ;-) And people don't seem to think that maybe it's just a teensy weensy strange either that a grown man is obsessed SO MUCH with collecting music, it's like he has to have it all or at the very least know about it all because if he doesn't he'll just die from a tiny bit of ignorance. And yet, if there's some guy that collects dolls or some lady that collects cats or someone that collects stacks of newspapers, they're labelled as being crazy! I mean, I totallu like Cletus, and I definately appreciate his knowledge, but there IS something deranged to the whole ordeal. Travelling to South Dakota to rummage through the corpse of someone else's huge collection? Travelling to another country? At what point does this all become creepy? ??? *shrugs*

OK, I'm hungry and I've rambled on long enough, lol...

*hugs* Ah, good ot be back at home...

Wednesday, December 4, 2002

I am such a zombie from driving and driving and driving. It’s like three in the morning and I just stopped at a motel in Hays. Driving is so terrible. I feel like my eyes are going to totally fall out of my head and bounce around on the ground. Really, I totally can’t believe I made it as far as I did because everything seemed to be working against me. I mean I couldn’t believe the craziness that happened when I stopped at a truck stop near Cheyenne for lunch. I was mind my own business eating a grilled cheese sandwhich and sipping my water when this state patrolman asks to talk me and he’s all gruff and mean, his face like totally beet red like his angry. When I ask him what’s wrong he just starts to bark at me that a customer had just reported that I had locked my two children in my car with the windows rolled up, which is completely lame because I definitely don’t look old enough to have two kids but the dumb police officer insisted I get up, even though I hadn’t finished my sandwhich, and take him to my car. I so wanted to slap him or something but being a complete scaredy cat I went with him to my car suffering through him telling me that the customer had seen my two sons dressed up like Santa’s helpers or something scrambling around in my car and they definitely were too young to be left alone. Boy did he look beyond retarded when we got to my VW and there was nobody inside of it. I can’t believe he still insisted I unlock the doors so I could look around inside. By the time he was done poking around I had completely lost my appetite and just went back inside to pay for my unfinished food. I really want to thank the Wyoming Law Enforcement people for being such total jerks!

You won’t believe this, but I got an e-mail from one of the people in that local band Conner! He seemed really annoyed about what I had written when I tried to review them. Here’s what he said:

From:   James D
To:   maneki_neko@kswildcat.com
Subject:   Conner
Date:   Tue, 3 Dec 2002 17:40:50 -0800

"Finally, the secret band, Conner, came on and it was pretty obvious by then that most of the people were there for them. All the preppy people with cell phones were screaming for them and Conner seemed to like being worshipped. Their lead singer is such an egotistical jerk. I couldn't stand watching them so I told Brandan I wanted to go home. He was more than happy to leave"

words hurt..

.  I think it only makes sense to seek out and identify structures of authority, hierarchy, and domination in every aspect of life, and to challenge them; unless a justification for them can be given, they are illegitimate, and should be dismantled, to increase the scope of human freedom.

Noam Chomsky,

I’m totally sorry I hurt your feelings, James, but I didn’t really appreciate what it was like to be in a band when I wrote that. It was like completely my first stuff I ever even tried to write about a band and stuff. But really, if you think about, I guess, that thing you put in your messages from that Chomsky sort of applies to you don’t you think? I mean Conner is like the top band in Lawrence right now, sort of dominating the scene at the top of the local hierarchy . . . so wasn’t I doing the right thing by challenging you, especially since you sound just like the Strokes? The Strokes are OK and everything, even if they are sort of boring in that posturing like a peacock sort of way, but wouldn’t you feel better about yourself and your band if you like tried to do something that was more you than someone else? I know that’s super tough and gawd knows I probably fail when I’m singing for the Uldras, but, really, it’s what’s important. Conner plays really good. You just need to not sound like someone else.

One more thing before I pass out, because I have to get up in like five hours and get to Lawrence tomorrow as fast as I can. Getting that e-mail from the Conner guy isn’t actually the first e-mail I’ve gotten from someone in a Lawrence, Kansas band. Like four days or so I got this one:

From:   WIDOWMAKER
To:   maneki_neko@kswildcat.com
Subject:   who are you?
Date:   Fri, 29 Nov 2002 08:58:20 -0800

who are you and what band are you in? someone told me that you said something about my band, cocknoose, on your website or whatever. i saw it, big deal. i am just wondering who you are.

Widowmaker sounds just like his woman hating, macho band if you ask me, and he asks really stupid questions because he obviously didn’t look at my blog too hard since it’s pretty right there that I’m Erin and nobody else. I mean my blog is sort of me in away. I don’t know why Mr. Widowmaker (what a lame name!) has to take the time to be all sarchastic and stuff. I’m so glad Patrick doesn’t listen to Cocknoose anymore. They are so corrosive and toxic. Music shouldn’t be about hate and hurting people. Music should be about sharing feelings you know, not singing about how big your little penis is, pal!

Time for bed now. My last outburst has completely squandered the last of my energy. *Hugs*

Tuesday, December 3, 2002

Ugh. So obviously I'm skipping school today and tomorrow. But I really should have left yesterday immediately after the funeral instead of goofing off with that psychotic Maggie and her psychotic wacko brother and sleeping, even though I REALLY needed that sleep. It looks like I'm going to miss school on Wednesday too, which wouldn't really bother me except that'll be 3 DAYS in a row!!! Plus, I want to make it back early on Wednesday so I could get oriented again before Patrick drags that new guy to our first practice after Ray's breakdown. )c: I don't know what I was thinking, I've only made it as far as Wells Nevada. I just hope I can make it back before practice, I know there's no hope of me going to school. I''m exhausted NOW, I'll be some kind of zombie, lol. Anyway.

I SO hope Chris has been taking good care of Puck! Maybe in my hurry to get to Modesto I made an idiot mistake in trusting him. If there's any of the old Chris left in him I can just imagine the terrible things he's doing, like sniffing my panties or something totally perverted like that. Maybe wearing my panties, LOL. *gags* The most worrying thing is whether he's taking care of Puck though. Will he even remember? *pulling hair out* I'm probably just paranoid, but when I think about how that sentence sounds I can't help but get frightened...'Chris is responsible for taking care of Puck'!!! :-@

And I'm missing Julian so much. It's like we keep timing things wrong, even though it's not US that's timing the events of our lives. As soon as he gets back from his 'family business' I have to leave on some personal business of my own. *deep sighs* I can't wait to get back. I imagine it like some cheesy romance movie where the girl runs into the embrace of her love. LOL It probably won't happen like that, but....

Until then I'm stuck here in Wells, Nevada and even though I'm here it's like this place is nonexistent. Bizarre. But most of the towns along the Interstate are this way. There's nothing to them. And bizarre people, but not interesting bizarre, just bland bizarre. Blech. I saw a group of really old men wearing track outfits jogging in a herd earlier, lol. In this hotel there are either 'Men in Black' or there's some kind of Jehovah's Witness or whatever convention going on. I can't imagine any faeries ever living here for any reason at all. That's pretty much becoming the stick I measure a good town by, whether faeries would want to live there. Everything here seems so dull and commercial. And all the people are old. :-

OK, I have so much more that I want to say, but I'm just getting too tired to even type to my beloved blog, lol. Every time I go to sleep now I think about Chann for a long time and I get really sad and cry until I fall asleep. It's like I'm really tired but going to sleep is becoming some kind of long and hard process that I want to avoid. Ugh. Even so, I NEED to sleep, even if I am going to cry. Gawd, the yoghurt thing was frightening. I'll never eat the stuff again. And that she MIGHT have committed suicide. I wanted to escape but now I'm so curious. I feel so responsible, or at least partly responsible. It's not just me being paranoid or whatever. Um...here we go down the road that'll lead to me crying...again. I'll spare you.

*hugs*

Monday, December 2, 2002

I went over to the Singhs' house in the morning and it was totally like a culture shock, especially since it took me so long to find their house so I wasn't ready for Mrs. Singh's offer to participate in some of the stuff Sikhs do before the funeral, but I just couldn't handle bathing Chann's in yoghurt. I mean, gawd, she's dead and I would just feel weird like cleaning her corpse with stuff you eat, especially something I like to eat. I mean, really, it's like she's an apple or something we'd be dipping in caramel and that's JUST WRONG! Mrs. Singh seemed sort of mad of me for saying no and Mr. Singh became a lot sterner, which is so unlike how I remember him from Lawrence. I mean, I did help Mrs. Singh pick out a new dress for Chann to wear, or I helped her choose from the three she had bought the day before because she couldn't choose. Mrs. Singh also scolded me for not coming over when I got to Modesto last night and she didn't seem to care that I was so tired after driving for so long. I barely got away from them to collect my cool before the funeral started and I was sort of scared about what it would like, especially since they were already going to cover Chann in yoghurt. I was also a bit scared that they would make us watch while they set her on fire or something since I've never been to a cremation. I thought I would never find where the funeral I was. Stupid me decided to go to it by myself, even though the Singhs offered to take me. I just thought I needed some time alone before it started. I swear I drove around Modesto for an hour, completely lost, until I stopped at a mini-market and this really nice clerk named Icle gave me some directions, though I had to make him repeat them at least a gajillion times because he was totally talking while his mouth was full of nachos. I felt like I almost needed an interpreter or something, nevermind the fact that he kept trying to flirt with me. Yeah right, like I think some overweight guy with chips and who knows what else in his beard is totally sexy. Some people . . .

The funeral was held at this creepy funeral home with Chann's body on this chute thing leading to the crematorium. There were a bunch of chairs set up around it and boy was it sort of warm. I kind of got there early and while I was waiting I met this girl named Maggie who I guess was the only friend Chann had made in Modesto. Maggie seemed really sweet and boy did she unsettle me when I made a passing comment about Chann dying in a wildfire. She sort of looked at me like I was making a bad joke or something, until I explained that Mr. Singh had told me that's how she had died. She sort of shook her head sadly and completely made my stomach tie up in knots when she told me that that was just what the Singhs were telling people because Chann had actually killed herself. Gawd, I felt terrible thinking how we hadn't talked or anything for the last month or so. She must have been so terribly depressed and I wasn't there for her at all. When I asked Maggie what happened, she told me that Chann had actually found a boyfriend, but he had broken up with her after Chann's father had screamed at him one night after bringing her home late. I guess Mr. Singh didn't approve of him or something. Maggie thought it was because his was son of a dentist who had insulted Mr. Singh, who was trying to set up a new practice. I don't know if I should believe Maggie, though. Mr. Singh seems so nice.

With some time to still left until the funeral started, I tried to find a bathroom. It was like no one was around to help me until I found the mortician in his office. He started to give me directions, but then decided it would be best if his son took me there so I didn't get lost. I told him I would be able to find my way, but he insisted. Gawd, I wish he would have let me because his son was completely weird and I think a little bit "slow" . . . you know, "slow" like brain damaged or retarded or something. He was like six feet tall but acted like his five or something and kept telling me I was pretty in this stuttering deep voice. I was so glad when we got to the restroom, but I little more disturbed when he asked if he should wait until I was done to show me the way back. When I told him I would be OK, he said to me, "You are pretty. Will you be my steady? I didn't no what to do so I just sort of smiled and ran into the restroom. It was a miracle that he wasn't still there after I tinkled.

When I got back to the crematorium room, everyone else had finally arrived. Luckily I found a seat in the back next to Maggie, who had actually saved me a place. She is so sweet. The funeral began with everyone, who were mostly Sikhs, reciting this prayer in Indian together. Maggie and I sort of just moved our mouths since we didn't know what the people were saying. Then Mr. Singh got up and stood in front of everyone saying a few words about Chann. Maggie said the whole point of everything is to ensure that Chann is able to leave her body or something and has a good reincarnation. I sort of cringed when Maggie mentioned the reincarnation part because that sounds like some dopey Aunt Minnie and Brandan would believe. Brandan may think he's coming back as something neat after he dies, but I know for a fact he'll be a toad or something if hippie stuff like reincarnation is true. Anyway, what Mr. Singh said was really sweet and I could tell he was really sad about Chann. I couldn't stop myself from crying, especially thinking about how I had let Chann down when she was feeling so bad. After Mr. Singh finished, the group then said two more prayers, which continued as she slid into the oven thing and ended when she was burnt up, which was really distrubing and I couldn't watch at all.

After the funeral, everyone was going back to the Singhs's house for the memorial, but Mrs. Singh stopped me in the hallway to tell me that maybe I shouldn't go since it involved more religious stuff and I obviously didn't want to participate in that sort of thing. I felt really bad because Chann's mom was obviously telling me not to go. I almost started balling right there. It was as if I was being kicked out of the funeral and IT WASN'T MY FAULT! Luckily, Maggie wasn't going and she took me to a bar afterwards, which I was sort of resistant to since I don't have an ID, but she told me her brother was the bartended and it would be OK. Or maybe I should have started that last sentence with "unluckily" instead. Sometimes I think the world is out to get me. I swear!

So we get the bar and her brother pours us some beer and we just sort of talk about Chann a lot and drink and stuff. I think everything is normal and it sort of feels good to talk about Chann because I really miss her. She was also the most caring and considerate person I knew and she always understood where I was coming from. Anway, after four beers I'm feeling really sort of tipsy and disoriented when Maggie tries to kiss me on the lips and I completely freaked out, slapping her in the face, which totally pisses her off. She starts screaming at me that I'm a homophobe and I've just committed a hate crime and her brother starts backing her up, threatening to call the police. WHATEVER! I would have done the same thing even if she was a boy. No should do stuff like that without permission, and, besides, I HAVE A SIGNIFICANT OTHER ALREADY! When I tried to get up to leave, Maggie, really drunk, sort of lept at me, scratching my face and yanking at my clothes. I barely wriggled away, running out the door and down the street. After running for fifteen minutes without looking back I fnally stopped at a 7-11 and called a taxi on a payphone. I was so relieved when I got back to my motel.

I think that's all I have in me for tonight. I need to get up really early tomorrow and start back to Lawrence. I can't even see the laptop screen very well right now my eyes are so blearly. Wish me luck for my drive! *Hugs*

Sunday, December 1, 2002

Omigawd, I finally made it. I just drove 1800 miles in two and a half days! Well, not just, but not too long ago I made it to Modesto. I'm about ready to collapse. My nightmares have the worst possible timing, I NEED to get some RESTFULL sleep. Ugh.

)c:!!! Chann's funeral is tomorrow. Of course this is why I'm having so many nightmares. I feel so bad about this whole thing. I feel so bad about how I am with my friends in general lately. But why faeries too? Maybe I'm worried that how bad I've been treating my friends will never enable me to get any closer to the little folk than I already am. I don't know. I'm no psychiatrist. lol Jesus I can't believe I just typed an 'lol' in the same paragraph as talking about Chann's funeral. Everything seems so surreal lately, it's like I'm sad but I'm watching myself be sad from a distance. I don't really know what to expect tomorrow, but I just want to say goodbye in person. We haven't seen each other in so long. It's been so long since we saw each other. I've been thinking about what I'll say to her. It was so much easier talking to her when she was alive and now that she's...gone...it's so much harder to find any good words even though she probably won't ever hear them. Or even her family really. Everything that mattered I should have said while she was still alive, so she could hear it. And I guess I didn't really keep how much I loved her a secret. She was my best friend and she knew it, and she knew she'd always be one of my best friends, even after so long of us being physically apart. But even so, we didn't talk as much as we used to and I hadn't talked to her in a couple of weeks, maybe even a month. I can't help feeling like I abandoned her somehow, like I was so caught up in all the shit happening in my life that I didn't even really notice her, or took her for granted. And as soon as you take somethign for granted BAM! it's gone. *whew* I was actually starting to tear up a little during my little...thingie...up there. Maybe I'm not completely devoid of emotion after all, maybe there's hope for me yet. :-

Or maybe I'm just really, really tired. You know what? Wierdness lives in between cities and towns. It looks like it's moving, like it's wierd people travelling and stuff, but really that's where most of the wierdness lives. I mean, I am like a giant car magnet attracting weird at home in Lawrence, but out on the road every time I stop EVERYTHING is wierd. lol I ate some cheese crackers and a pie from the vending machine at one of the rest stops today (gawd, talk about a fattening and totally UN-nutritious meal!) and I sat at one of those little park benches they cement into the ground in the little spots of woods along the highway, which are supposed to drown noise for people living on the other side I guess. Well, I kind of looked around at all the garbage littered on the ground around everything while I ate (I pretty much gave up on spotting any faeries, they would never dare occupy a place so polluted with human). I didn't even notice most of this stuff when I sat there to eat, I didn't think twice about the little pieces of garbage. But as I noticed stuff more and more I got disgusted more and more. Wrappers, condoms, dog poop (I hope, fuck, there's a set of restrooms RIGHT THERE after all!), one of those little Bibles that are in hotels, a shopping list, a tattered purple umbrella with smiley faces on it, a roll of police tape (THAT really freaked me out!), and even a bathtub kind of hidden a little bit away from the main bench area! A bathtub! And then there's the people I've seen. People that seem like they're the reflections in funhouse mirrors at circuses. Hippies in their van, totally dressed like they just warped here from the past somehow. I think I saw a real pimp, lol. Or a pimp imposter, but who would want to dress like a pimp if they weren't really a pimp? When I first made it into California today I stopped at a gas station and saw this family driving a sky blue station wagon. The whole family looked like they were plastic figurines from the 1950s or something. They were all extremely clean cut, they all had the same frightening smile. They just had to be going to some kind of church function. I wanted to go up and tell them they left a Bible at the rest stop I mentioned, lol. When I was in Nevada yesterday, totally out in the middle of absolutely nowhere, there was some guy dancing like he was being electrocuted by a taser. I think normal people must not travel or something. I don't think I've seen anyone that's been normal at all. Like I said, weird lives in between cities and towns. ;-P

To jimmy from the guestbook... Chann would never kill herself! And her family would never try to cover up how she died, they are honest people! I don't mean to sound so harsh, you wouldn't know I guess, but there's just no possible way something like that happened with Chann. To Chelsea, the Singhs are a family that like their privacy and they wanted to keep it quiet because of 'personal beliefs'. I don't know what that means exactly, but they are Sikhs, so I guess it probably has something to do with those 'personal beliefs'. Um...to the guestbook in general...??? *gurgle* Is my guestbook an accurate reflection of the Internet? Are there that many wackos on the Internet? Or is this just another case of me attracting weird like a giant magnet?

OK, I've GOT to try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day. Funeral and then driving again. Even driving at my pace gettign here I'm going to miss two days of school. I'm not a skipper, but this is a special situation.

*hugs*

Saturday, November 30, 2002

Running on no sleep today, I feel like every turn I took was a wrong one. I guess being so tired and getting a flat tire twenty miles out from Layton City is enough to add injury on top of injury, totally exasperating. I swear I stood on the side of the road waving for someone to stop for hours, but no, everyone just had to race by ignoring until this guy in a truck filled with rocks stopped. I was kind of scared to have him give him a ride to the nearest gas station, but it’s not like I really had a choice, especially since I had forgotten to put my spare tire in the car before I had left home. Don’t ask why I had taken it out. You’ll think it was stupid and I feel bad enough right now, especially after having to ride with that creepy guy. He was so gross, constantly chewing tobacco and spitting it in an empty baked been can between his legs and he face all stubble and bloodshot eyes rolling back forth. I tried to be nice but not very talkative like I was stressed out about my car, which I was, but he kept asking what I did for a living and if I was married because he thought I was “real pretty.” I was so happy when we got back to Layton and I was able to get someone in a tow truck to drive back to my car and put a new tire on.

Finally on the road I felt Iike I was going to fall asleep any second. Everything around me completely spaced me out and I guess it didn’t help my concentration that I kept thinking about the lights I saw last night and the dreams I kept having that didn’t really let me sleep very well. I can only remember bits and pieces, but in one of them these small people had me tied me up on this rock and one of them was reading from this scroll, finally stopping and pointing to some more them who then started to rush at me with his small sharp pieces of metal until lthese bright shiny lights likeI saw last night started to swirl around them blinding them and I swear I heard the voice of Joe telling me to run. When I woke up this morning my legs were all cramped up. God, I wish I never dreamed ever.

Like I said, the drive has been totally boring, but I couldn’t get as far as I liked and I think I sort of got a little lost too when I pulled off to get lunch at a truck stop near Battle Mountain, Nevada. I didn’t mean to, but I was sort of in a hurry because this trucker kept bothering me while I tried to eat my grilled cheese sandwhich. He was huge and all muscular and he kept trying to talking to me God and asking me if I was saved, but I’m not sure what I was supposed to be saved from because I tried my hardest to just eat my food and ignore him. At one point even pulled out this worn green leather book and started reading stuff from it to me. I don’t know why people think they have to bother or why I am such a pathetic target. Well, anyway, instead of getting back on I-80 like I planned, I got all confused and totally wound up on some back road thinking it was going to take me back to the freeway. I feel so dopey wondering why it was taking me so long and only realizing after I had driven a long time, reaching Austin, Nevada. Thank god a nice lady at the groceryand this crippled, really old farmer who drive this enormous truck helped me get reoriented.

I didn’t think I have it in me to write much more except that this motel on the edge of Reno is terrible. I thinking something about gambling just brings out the scariest people because when I took a little walk all I saw were really gross, desperate looking people and a lot of pawn shops. I just hope I make better time tomorrow and nothing more terrible happens to me. I think it’s tIme to call Julian now, which is my signal to skidaddle. *Hugs*

Friday, November 29, 2002

I've been driving like I AM a car or something, lol. Omigawd, I am so sleepy. I wasn't even going to make an entry today because after driving for so long I'm just exhausted but I keep waking up with bad dreams about Chann and faeries. Ugh. In my dream I'm stuck in a big vat of oatmeal or something and Chann is standing on the edge of my bowl or whatever it is and these faeries come out of little doors in the bowl and walk along on the oatmeal, like some animals can walk on top of snow without sinking into it, and start jabbing me with knitting needles or something. Then Chann tries to save me but gets stuck in the oatmeal too and she sinks like a boat, spinning and capsizing really weirdly. I can move around a little better with the faeries stabbing me, ironically, because my blood makes the oatmeal around me more liquid and so I try to save Chann, but by the time I make it to her she's all shrivelled up like a giant raisin sinking into the oatmeal. It's terrible. When I woke up the first time I was crying and I thought I was still in the dream and it was like I could even feel the stabs from the faeries. And now I'm just getting irritated by it, because it won't let me get my rest! GRRRRRR!!!

I'm in Utah right now, Layton City I guess is the name. Gawd, what a long day it's been to make it here. )c: I'm in it for the long haul now though, lol. I've only stopped to stretch at rest stops and once for a pathetic Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant in Colorado. I don't even think the restaurant had a name, it was just 'restaurant', lol. Their turkey dinner was slices of that kind of turkey you get in frozen dinners with soap sud mashed potatoes and some kind of celery stuffing stuff that was like cardboard. LOL I thought about asking them to make sure they didn't accidently cook the stuffing box instead of the stuffing but the people working and eating there were pretty creepy and I wanted to get the hell out as soon as possible. It was depressing too, it was this really big place for truckers and it smelled like um...kerosene? I think that's what it smelled like. All the people eating there were complete losers like me, all deformed or sad looking. LOL I don't mean to be mean, but it's true! Ugh. They were playing Elvis through their sound system, as if I don't get enough of that dead fuck in Kansas. These people that were sitting a few booths away from me REALLY creeped me out. It was a couple I guess, and the lady was totally fat and she was actually wearing pink spandex and some kind of loose white flower shirt thing and she just stared at me the whole time. Her husband or whatever was dressed all in denim and he'd turn completely around every once in a while and just look at me! I gobbled my food as fast as possible and got the hell away from that place! I was afraid they were going to follow me and try to run me off the road like in some terrible rural horror movie. *fretting* But now I just feel really bad about how I felt about them at the time. They were really sad people and they were obviously poor, in spirit AND pocket. :-( I get all freaked out from them thinking all these horrible things and they're probably actually the nicest people in the world. What a shithead I can be. I'm not worthy of communicating with the faeries. At least I'm aware of these faults, I guess.

*deep sighs* Anyway, I managed to get some faerie hunting in even. I can't pass up an opportunity like this! Whenever I stopped at a rest stop I'd kind of walk around a little bit and spend some time investigating the woods behind the rest stops. Some have these little picnic areas so I'd go off a little further and try to see if just by some kind of luck I'd see any of the little folk. Blech. No such luck today. Looking behind rest stops for faeries might not be such a good idea anyway since they're so highly visited by the human animals they try to avoid. :-

I got really upset at the last rest stop I was at because of something I saw which reminded me of poor Gwynn and that piece of shit Mr. Robbs. *takes a deep breath* Maybe I shouldn't go into this, but it is my journal, right? And this is something I would discuss with myself in my journal, so...here goes. Mr. Robbs is terrible. Mr. Robbs is partly the reason Gwynn kind of freaked out like she did at the beginning of this schoolyear. I was completely clueless, but I guess there was a problem with Mr. Robbs 'fraternizing' with his students, and Gwynn was one of the students he 'fraternized' with. What totally SUCKS is that he was just fired, or he quit by coercion, or whatever, and no charges are being brought against him. I mean, he didn't physically force Gwynn to 'fraternize' with him, but he used his position as a teacher to 'fraternize' and he could at least be charged with statutory rape, right? Look at what it's done to Gwynn! Her life is kind of a mess right now, all because of him. Look at what it's done to our relationship! All because of Mr. Robbs, who is such a n insecure perv that he preys on young girls. And the school, which is being like the Catholic Church, just sweeps him under the rug. 'Nothing going on here, pay no attention.' I couldn't get her to tell me, but I suspect it wasn't North that got her pregnant at all, but Mr. Robbs instead. It's NEVER right for a person in a position of authority to seduce someone that's kind of subordinate to him, even when it's technically legal or 'not very illegal'. >:-( I mean, that's one of the biggest reasons a society that has men ruling is so wrong! If women are 'under' men in society then all the relationships are always going to be like rape. I mean, I don't think there should be no male teachers or whatever, but Mr. Robbs is like a symptom of society as a whole. He just does what every man in a patriarchal society does, only twice. He victimizes young girls with his position as a man and then victimizes them from his position as an authority figure. So really, Mr. Robbs has done twice the amount of evil that he's credited for. Fuckhead.

Whoah! OK, I've got to go now. Maybe it's just that I'm tired but I think I just saw a light float by my window. I can't sleep, might as well make the most of my night! Besides, when are faeries more likely to come out in a human dense area? During the day when they're all plodding around or at night when they're sleeping, making the world relatively safe? It's OBVIOUS! =-P OK OK, I just saw another light flash on and move outside. I'm outta here...

*hugs* Happy Thanksgiving

P.S. I miss you Julian!

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Thank god Chris is going to housesit and look out for Puck while I'm gone. I feel bad about all the terrible things I've said about him before here. He has become like the totally most sweetest and I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't said "yes." I tried calling Cheryl for the upteenth time, but of course she wasn't home and her dopey pill popping mom was no help at all. I just hope Puck likes Chris. Puck's still been kind of violent today. I already have six fresh scratches today. I don't know what gotten over him and I feel terrible that it just makes me wish he was gone and Manny was here. I miss Manny so much I almost imagine I can hear the pitter pat of her paws in the house. :-(

School sucked today. In fact, school completely sucked. Lately I've been eating lunch with Patrick, which is OK though I'm completely sick of his dumb jokes and how he has to make funny of everyone. Today, however, he was sick, so I wound up sitting with Jamie Chameau since I seem to have become like the grossest person ever in the world. I never see Cheryl, even though I know she hasn't been skipping school. I thinking she's been eating lunch off campus a lot or something. God knows, I never want to eat lunch with Jamie ever again. She has to be like the most frightening, out of touch person ever. I mean, it's like she lives in her own little world of butterflies, unicorns and people made out of peanut brittle dancing underneath a butterscotch sun. Don't get me wrong. I TRIED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER! HONEST! I guess I just asked her all the wrong questions like how her brother was doing. I really was curious since I had heard he was where Ray went and I wanted to know what that was like because I'm concerned. I mean Ray could be beyond annoying . . . you know what I mean. I simply just wasn't prepared for how she would react, though. She just sort of started giggling, telling me not to worry about James because his "atomic structure was weak anyway." What is that supposed to me? The worst I guess is how she laughs like the sound a clock makes. It's really disconcerting. God, I wish Julian had the same lunch time as me.

I guess that's all I have for right now. Time to get packed for my trip. I think I secretly hope that this trip will clear up my head a little bit, but I have my doubts since the destination is Chann's funeral, which can't be a good sign at all. I plan to leave tomorrow morning really early and I simply have to remember to leave the house key where I told Chris I would. Sorry, Brett, but there's no way in hell I'm going to write here where exactly that is. Enjoy the laundromat, dickhead. I just hope I remember to pack everything I need. Knowing me, I'll probably leave something I'll need, something totally important. I hope I'll find a motel to stay in Modesto, too, since I haven't made and reservations and I couldn't stay at Chann's house, even though Mr. Singh insisted. It would just be too much for me right now. I need to think a lot. I need to be by myself, though that doesn't mean I won't call Julian every day. :)

Oh, before I forget. There's still is no new teacher for AP English. The vice principal has been filling in, but he's so completely clueless. I guess he used to teach P.E. or something. According to him, Mr. Callahan had to resign because of urgent family matters back in Ireland. Good riddance, I say! I couldn't stand the way he was asking me stuff about Grandfather at the end. But do you want to know what is really weird? Patrick said Mr. Callahan was Ray's favorite teacher. I guess Ray had worst problems going on in his head than I thought.

Alright, time to say goodbye for real this time. I hope I have enough time to blog along the way to Modesto. I totally have to get a new perspective on everything. I feel like I'm being crushed by a jillion rocks. *A Hug To Hold You Over Until Tomorrow*

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

*groans like a dumbass heavy metal singer*

I'm shit here but I'm going to be queen of the motherfucking highway! I don't know if my life lately is some sort of giant faerie test or what. If it is I think I'm failing miserably. I can't handle these Earthly stresses, so I can't even IMAGINE the unearthly stresses of just operating in the faerie world! I can't even begin to decribe how bad things have been lately. Joe has died! I found out why Mr. Robbs 'left' my school. I've been fired from Jubilee Cafe once and for all, because of Barda. Ray has gone insane and is locked away and I'm afraid I did nothing but egg it on. Cheryl is abandoning me just like Gwynn did. And now yet another friend is gone for good. Chann has died! I HAVE to be there for her. I think that's probably why my other friends seem to be zooming away like people getting yanked off the stage by one of those giant cane things. I'm not there enough. I'm a selfish piece of shit! I know it. But I'm going to be there for Chann, to say goodbye in person. I don't care what it takes, I'm going to be at her funeral. It's like 1400 miles to Modesto, which means I'm going to have to drive like 12 or 16 hours a day if I'm going to do this, and I AM going to do this. Ugh. It's not like I have some magical great Thanksgiving thing to do or anything. My Thanksgiving will be spent driving so I can make it to my friend's funeral, so I can say goodbye, so I can give my thanks to her, a REAL Thanksgiving. I'm leaving tomorrow morning, really early. I hate to abandon Julian like this, just after he got back from his family thing, which had to be hard on him.

I'd drag him along if I could, but there's just no way he could explain that one to his parents. )c; I, on the other hand, have no parents, so I can do whatever the fuck I want. Julian's going to let me borrow his laptop for the trip, so I'll be able to make entries along the way, even though I'll only be gone 4 or 5 days. I can't abandon my blog again. My blog is like a friend to me and I can't neglect it like I have Cheryl and Gwynn, and I DEFINATELY can't let it be raped again by my asshole piece of shit brother. >:-( So, I guess we're stuck together. And I don't know what to do with Puck on such short notice. *sighs* I can't leave him alone! I'm either going to try to bring him with me (and I don't even know how he acts in cars really!) or I'll ask Chris to take care of him. Even with him being all domesticated now that idea has me a little worried. I mean, it's not a light responsibility to take care of an animal! Ugh. We'll see. What are the logistics of putting a kitty litter box in the back seat of a brand new car? Do I want to do that, no matter how much I love Puck? lol Um...Chris! Chris!

I can't even imagine poor Chann, what she went through. I guess she was hiking or whatever and got caught up in a wild fire and burned to death with all the other animals and faeries in the forest. I guess this is pretty common in California. I think alot of people die this way there. It's sickening. And maybe if I had been harrassing her on the phone or if she had been reading a letter from me, none of this would have happened. Staying in touch with those you love is important, even if it's only to keep them from going out into dangerous places. But I didn't stay in contact enough. We actually DID write and talk on the phone pretty regularly, but it wasn't one of those 'can't seperate them' things where they send letters and stuff every day. I mean, I know it's kind of ridiculous to think if I had sent her more letters she might not have gone into the forest, but it's true. But because I'm so goddamn selfish I neglected her too, and it got her KILLED. She used to be my best friend when she lived here, how could I just let this happen to her? Worse yet, I'm some kind of callous evil person because I don't even feel anything too bad about her wretched death! I have no feelings! My ability to feel has been broken, and the worst part is that I'm not even sad about it. My best friend is DEAD, and this is all I feel? I'm horrible. The best I can do for Chann now is to be there for her. :-[

I hope everyone else out there is having a better life than me, and I hope everyone else out there has a happy Thanksgiving. By this time tomorrow I'll be out in the middle of nowhere between California and Lawrence. *fingers crossed that I make it OK and in time* I'll try to make my entries, but I'm going to be driving alot! I will make my entries, if I can find a place to hook up. Or even HOW to hook up the Internet with a laptop. LOL Um...so, if I get captured by pervert truckdrivers or smashed under some tree while I'm on my journey, it's been nice knowing you blog and anonymous Internet people. Maybe I will get killed, if I'm lucky.

*hugs*

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

HEY DICKHEAD, and I mean YOU, Brett! Tomorrow someone is coming here to change all of the locks so don’t expect to ever get inside of this house EVER AGAIN! That’s right, YOU PENIS, that means no more sneaking in here while I’m at school to steal laundry detegerent and clean your crappy clothes ANY MORE EVER EVER AGAIN! You better start saving up your quarters, asshole. And another thing, you are complete liar about the Uldras show. You are like the biggest liar in Lawrence, Kansas EVER! If there is a God, I hope he likes strikes you down dead RIGHT THIS SECOND. It would be completely cool if you were like talking all your lame bullshit at Alleycat like you always do and like a giant lightening bolt stuck you dead, as long as, of course, the store or Cletus wasn’t hurt. >:-(

Let’s get this completely straight, you no good slug. Ray never attacked anyone at that show. A couple jerks ASSAULTED him when he had his breakdown in the middle of the song, because like you, they thought it would be so cool to be an ASSHOLE. People were beyond cruel that night, throwing their beer cans and glasses and stuff at Ray when he completely lost it. It was so totally sad watching him get disoriented, especially since before the show he was so excited that we finally gave in and let him do one of the songs his Grandfather wrote the lyrics for at last. Since you obviously weren’t paying attention or are going off lame rumors, I called the police because we couldn’t those jerks to quit beating up Ray. Ray was COMPLETELY DEFENSELESS, muttering over and over in a weird low voice. I never thought the police would arrive in time and I’m so appreciative that they came, though I’m also beyond sad that Ray is the mental ward now. Then again, you probably don’t even care that Chris got a black eye and a bloodstain on his shirt trying to make those BASTARDS leave Ray alone or that Patrick broke a tooth when one of them punched him in the face. So, FUCK YOU BRETT! And, also, for your information, the Uldras are not broke up. Patrick has someone coming to try out for the band the Wednesday after next and whomever it is will be a temporary replacement until Ray is better. So, guess what? I guess none of us are completely callous FUCKHEADS like you, Brett. Do you even think about what you are doing? Are you some kind of sick dick is gets off on hurting innocent people, even your own sister? You know, I’m the only family you have and you will completely regret PISSING ME OFF, buster. Just wait until I tell Dad, if I can ever get through to him . . .

And if only to makes things more awful, what’s Puck tonight? Every time I try to pet him or pick him up or even look at him the wrong way he completely freaks out and tries to scratch me. I shouldn’t even say “try,” because he’s sunk his nasty little sharp claws into me good a million times this evening. I’m covered in band-aids. All I can say is that I definitely don’t need Puck to start acting out now. My brain is so going to totally melt any second now. I feel like my skull is going to burst. Thank god I have Julian! He’s like the only solid constant I have right now in a world so fucking wrong it makes me want to puke over everything like the time I wrote the Tilt-A-Wheel at the state fair after eating an elephant ear and drinking a giant lemonade when I was ten. Then again, I guess wouldn’t know about having anyone care about you, Brett, since you are such a fucking prick that deserves the absolute worse a trillion billion times over. Good night, Brett, though I don’t know how you can sleep with yourself. *No Hugs For You EVER!*

PS I wish Cheryl would return my calls. I miss her. Please call me, Cheryl. I don’t even seem to see you in school. :-(

PPS I almost forgot. I got a strange phone call from Chann’s dad, Mr. Singh, on the answering machine, but when I tried to call back the line was busy. I need to try to call them again tomorrow morning. I hope someone is home since Mr. Singh didn’t say what it was about at all. Kill me if it’s more bad news. Ugghhhhh!

PPPS I almost forgot. Julian told me about what his mysterious trip was. He definitely is the sweetest, most caring and generous person there ever was ever. He is the one good thing I have in my life right now.

PPPPS This is the last one, honest! Ray’s mom wants Patrick and I to go visit Ray next week after Thanksgiving. I really want to see how he is doing, but I’m sort of creeped out, too. I know Patrick is too, especially since Ray was his best friend. Maybe if I’m lucky when I fall asleep tonight I will go into a coma and never come out of it, except maybe occasionally to just see Julian.

PPPPPS OMIGAWD, Thanksgiving is in two days and I have no one to spend it with at all. Aunt Minnie hasn’t even called. I suck. :-(

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Oh gawd. Someone break my neck and throw me in a ditch! I was trying to fix this mess Brett did to my blog. (I KNOW it had to be Brett and not just some imposter stranger trying to hurt me!) I fucking archived it! With the shit all still on it! LOL *bangs head on wall* Um...so I'm sorry to everyoen again for making that a permanent feature of my disgrace. *slinks off*

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Oh fucking Kay, enough of this bullshit once and for all! Fucking fuck YOU Brett! Puh-leaze, like I couldn't figure out what password your pea sized brain would pick out. Or do you have a flea sized brain? I can never remember which way it is, pea brain flea dick or flea brain pea dick? >;-( Any goddamn way, like 'gluons' wasn't the obvious choice of what your password would be! It took me like 5 tries to guess, right after trying every vulgar word for vagina I could think of! Well, I'm not letting you rape my blog and rape my mind anymore you freako pervert!!! I have taken over my own blog again and I think I owe it to myself and to the world to resume my entries, even in the incredibly bad times.

*neon blood blushes* I offer super giant apologies to everyone that's been assaulted by my brother's stupid juvenile prank and everyone that's been insulted by me not making entries for like a whole week and a half now with no real explanation. I shouldn't have abandoned you blog. I shouldn't have let this bullshit happen to you or to any of the people connected to my blog. I feel like such a piece of shit even though I know it's my brother who's the real asshole in this instance. Still, if I hadn't just kind of abandoned my blog this might never have happened. )c: Anyway, I'm sorry and I'm back! LOL Whoopee! Who cares, right? Even when my mom disappeared I didn't stop making journal entries, how could I let all this other bullshit get to me so much I abandoned it this time? Ugh. No more. Things in my life have just been...shit. Just shit.

It's time for an archive and a fresh start on things I guess. Gawd, I have so much to catch up on. And it's ALL bad, except for Julian, though it was bad with him for a while too but only because he wasn't here. But he's back from that mysterious 'family business' and like a knight in shining armor he's rescued me from the pit of despair I dug for myself. Well, sort of. I'm not exactly happy or whatever, but I'm better than I was. :-

Oh! And Puck! That little devil has been nothing but great. (c:

Gawd, I don't even know where to begin on what's been going on. I don't want to think about it. If ignorance is bliss then I want to be the happiest girl in the world. LOL

Um...OK...I better try to fix this shit my shithead asshole jerk borther did to my blog. What a dick! How can he be so insensitive to me especially now? He's OLDER than me, shouldn't he be more mature?

*hugs* to anyone out there that'll take 'em. Ugh. I am SO sorry for all of this stupid shit. I am such a fuck up. I am such a freak. What if faeries aren't real!? Am I going insane too? That'd be my luck. What my whole life revolves around being shattered and it turning out I'm just another wacko. Yeah, right. Like I can't tell you're all laughing at me out there. You think I'm just a stupid fuck too. I'm sorry for disappointing all of you and I'm sorry for believing in something alternative to the norm! Um...wait, I'm not mad at my readers. (I originally typed 'reader' by accident, which is probably more true, lol.) I don't know what I mean. Um...just know that I'm sorry and stuff. Or something. LOL

*hugs again*