Monday, November 25, 2002

You want to know why the Uldras won the freaking battle of the god damn bands? Because it was a popularity contest and Lawrence, Kansas is chock full of idiots. The Uldras are the Choice of Idiots everywhere is the fuckfaced nowheresville. Of course, those assholes got what they had coming to them the Saturday before last. Sure, Puddinhead Erin isn't talking about it, BUT I SAW WHAT HAPPENED! AND GOD DID I LAUGH UNTIL I ALMOST PISSED MY PANTS BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOD DAMN HILARIOUS! You see, right in the middle of their set of shit they let Robot Boy Ray sing one of his fecal warblings. Oh god was I crying with laughter when he walked up to the mic all stiff legged and just stiff, his eyes warbling in his pasty, pussy face. I wish I had a video tape of his meltdown. Right in the smack dab of his out of tune recitation, he went completely blank for a half minute. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Then he started ranting and shit at everyone, a completely different person, though JUST AS LAME AS THE FIRST!, attacking people in the audience and in the BAND, even hitting ERIN in the stomach! HIM punching ERIN was the BEST THING EVER! GAWD HOW I WISH the world WOULD CRUSSH HER! THE GLUONS ARE SUCH A BETTER BAND WITH HEART AND SOUL, SONIC ADVENTURERS, and NONE OF US ARE CRAZY LIKE RAY AND HAVE TO BE TAKEN AWAY BY THE POLICE TO SOME PSYCH WARD! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! GOD, you suck ERIN! FUCK YOU AND FAIRYLAND, you two bit TINKERBELL wannabe.

Monday, November 25, 2002

I'm the dumbest girl ever and I like to flit through the forest being a bubble headed bitch event though I belong in the funny farm with my even dumber friend Ray the Retarded. Let me cry tears because my dumb life is so hard. Where's daddy to buy me a new car? Won't the fairies rub the tears from my eyes? Why wont the boys kiss me? Is it because I can never shut my big mouth or because only like the totally stupidest shit ever comes out of my mouth?

Monday, November 25, 2002

OK, I like have to totally apologize for that last entry. I was all like and like stuff too and also and I was like, 'how shallow'! I'm just a stupid moron. I was like.

*sighs* Um....whatever. I just have no brain ability and I can't think. Um, like. And I'm such a ditzy dumbass. But my brother is god. I worship him when I'm not looking for fairies. (HINT, you idiot: they're in bars downtown!)

*hugsy wugsies*

P.S. I'm an idiot.

Monday, November 25, 2002

Like, oh my god and stuff. Like, I was like all like 'no way' and she was all mean and stared at me funny. Duh, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh.

and then, duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh *smiles*

*cringes* *smiles* duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh

*hugsy wugsies*

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Patrick called a little while a go. I guess Ray’s mom called him again asking him he had noticed anything Ray has been doing or said that might have lead to his "break-down". I guess what she really wanted to know was if Ray had been doing drugs and if he had gotten them from Patrick, which totally made Patrick beyond angry. In fact Patrick asked Ray’s mom why she hadnt done something sooner about the fact that Ray was always talking about his dead grandfather ALL OF THE TIME! Ray’s mom told Patrick she thought that Ray was just going through a phase that she didn't think we lead to . . . "You know how teenagers are." GAWD! Everything makes me completely sick. When I think about Ray freaking out in the middle of the set Saturday . . . this was a bad idea. I’m sorry. Please ignore this. I'm completey falling apart, especially after Jubilee Cafe today. Joe . . . oh god.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

Jesus Christ, I'm SO sorry to all the people that read my blog for spacing out like this for the past few days. Everything has been all fucked up starting with the show on Saturday and I have just been so depressed or too damn busy to write any entries. Ray is in the mental hospital now. Gwynn has totally devastated me with something she told me about WHY she went kind of screwy. Mr. Callahan is gone, making this the SECOND teacher to leave my AP English class ALREADY this year. And now I think Joe is dead, but I'm not totally sure because they're not totally sure. I haven't had anyone to turn to, Cheryl seems to be disappeared off the face of the Earth with her new boyfriend and Julian is away on his cryptic 'family business' with his parents. Gawd, it's like a fucking avalanche piled on me or something. I just can't do it right now. I'll be back in a few days I'm sure, but for now I need to vegetate under the covers. As of right now, there is no more Uldras, no more Joe, everything is just a pile of shit. I haven't even been reading my grandfather's journals. Thanks to everyone who have sent emails asking where I've been. I'm not dead, not yet, but I feel like I should be. OK, whatever the fuck later.

)c;

Saturday, November 16, 2002

I need a sedative! Cheryl, steal some Valium from your mom again! lol I'm fidgeting with everything, pacing all over the place, sitting down to watch TV, getting back up, looking out the windows, driving around, and on and on and on! I can't stand those hours before we actually go out and perform. I actually wish they could pop me out of cryogenic stasis when it was time for the show so I wouldn't have to sit here and listen to my stomach gurgle while I imagine all the bad scenarios of how our show could go. LOL Most involve Ray of course. :-

I guess I could use this time to talk about seeing Mr. Robbs again at Jubilee Cafe while I was working. Nobody at school seems to know what happened that he's like that now, which is crazy because everyone usually knows all about every student AND teacher scandal. I'm not a gossiper kind of person or anything, but I would like to know. I mean, he goes from being an AP English teacher to a homeless guy and it all seems like it was just overnight. )c: Maybe he's just really depressed about losing his job? He seems like a really sad guy. He seemed like a really sad guy when he wanted me to join his Book Club and he couldn't get anyone interested. He seemed to not be drunk this time and I saw him talking to some of the other homeless guys outside (so much for 'no loitering') and I know he saw me, which is why he probably didn't come inside. Shame or whatever. Think about it, how would you like a former student serving you food at a cafe for homeless people? And the look in his eyes was just so sad, like a puppy dog! Ugh.

Anyway, short entry today. I'm having a hard time thinking, which for me is bad news since my thinking is usually of such a low level anyway, lol. :-P Keep your *fingers crossed* that I'm wrong in being so nervous. I'd love to be wrong in this case! I'm wrong all the time, but not usually when I want to be, LOL. OK... You know what? I think I'm going for a walk to try and clear my head and maybe get close to a few of my little friends. Ever since the mugging incident I haven't known whether to think all the strange noises I usually hear have been the faeries or North coming to kill me in my sleep! Well, if I'm unsure about them coming to me then maybe I'll just go to them. You can't really look for them, you have to go out and let them find you. That's why it's so tricky. Whatever. I may not see a damn thing. )c: But I wouldn't mind them showing up today and giving me some advice on keeping my cool in front of a crowd, lol. Um...I'm rambling a little here. Besides, I have to practice before the actual show and I want to spend some time with Julian. So, busy bee me buzzes away!

*hugs* <---*bouncing off the walls*

Saturday, November 16, 2002

*whew* I just didn't have time for an entry earlier today. OK, ready? *takes deep breath* I did the extra shift at Jubilee Cafe, went to an extra-long practice, talked to Cheryl on the phone, talked to Dad on the phone, and tried to cram in as much homework as I could get done before giving up on that and going to my grandfather's journals. Like I said, *whew*!

OK, Jubilee Cafe first. Let me make it very clear here in case you haven't been able to pick up on it, I HATE BARDA!!! GRRRRRR!!! This woman has some kind o fgrudge against me for something! She told me the wrong time to show up! So as a result of this little snafu ('these things happen') I was an hour early! Ack! At least she didn't tell me to show an hour late, then I would have been really pissed. >:-( What the hell is her problem? Is she just that inept? Mrs. Fenster: 'What are you doing here?' Me: 'Barda called and said you needed some help today and I said I could work and would be happy to and that I should show up at 4.' Mrs. Fenster: 'Weeell, you must have heard wrong because we don't need anyone until 5. Come back in an hour and we can use you, but don't hang around here because we try to discourage loiterers whether they volunteer here or not.' Ugh. So I spent an hour sitting in my car 'almost' doing homework. I have to say though, just sitting in my car is nice. LOL So I didn't mind that part too much. (c:

Practice tonight was extra long because of our show tomorrow, which is nerve wrecking even though we're probably going to be playing to something like all of 15 people, lol. We decide what songs we're going to play by an almost democratic method, where we figure out around the total number of songs we're going to play and then each of us gets to pick their fair share of songs to play and we kind of criticize or try to agree on whether we agree with each others choices or if they fit and stuff like that, although a person can stick to their choices no matter what if they want to. Well, that seemed like a great idea before, but now I think it might not have been such a great idea after all because, to no one's surprise, Ray picked all robot grandfather songs. Ugh. And since we're trying to be supportive of Ray and not make him go any further off the deep end, we kind of had to be extra careful in how we worded it when we were saying how much we disagreed with ALL of his choices. Needless to say, we're still doing the whacko Ray songs despite all our tactful disagreement. :-( I can't stand those songs! They suck! A good example is 'Spirits of the Appliance' or 'Sentimental Segue' which sounds almost like a folk techno song with bunches of beeps and whirs while Ray sings (and Ray can't sing) I guess about everyone he's lost in his life and actually subjects us (and soon everyone else, LOL) to the lines 'depending on your vices, come back as minor appliances, or cool and handy devices'! lol It's not so funny though, Ray has lost it (and so have we for letting this go on), and we are DOOMED. (Does he really think his grandfather has come back as a blender or a TV set, is that what that means?)

My 'talk' with Cheryl was like a thumb wrestling match with two players constantly avoiding each other's thumb. LOL :-P Cheryl won't give me the scoop on her new bough, and I wouldn't tell her 'how far' me and Julian have gone. Well, let me put it this way, he's never slept over before and he couldn't tonight either (major bummer) because his parents cancelled their trip, gawd knows why. *deep sighs* I was looking forward to that, but I was actually relieved in a way since I was so busy today and now I'm so tired and so preoccupied about tomorrow and Julian had already told me his parents were wishy washy and did this kind of shit all the time, so even a 'sure thing' wasn't really a sure thing at all. Still. (Happy Cheryl? You got your answer now even though I still don't have mine!) (c:

My own Dad is becoming a stranger to me. :-( Ever since earlier this year when I turned 18 I guess like he's felt like I don't need him anymore and he can travel even more than he used to. He's actually spent more time in Japan this year than he has at home. Um...I like my independence, but this is getting ridiculous. I MISS him! I practically have no family anymore at all. Even Minnie hardly calls anymore ever since hooking up with Brandan (which would make me stop calling too, talk about an uncomfortable situation!). *sets up table for pity party* lol Dad informed me he'd be home for Christmas. *feeble* yaay, oh, only a month away I'll get to see my Dad for a week, maybe even less if I play my cards right. I feel like I'm some pile of shit to him that he feels guilty about while he's over in Japan doing whatever the fuck job he does. Why does he feel like he needs to escape me? Am I that horrible? ??? How could any job make one of their workers with a family devote that much time to the job? Blech.

Not only are my grandfather's journals totally interesting for the faerie aspect, which I want to study as a profession if I can (do you think there is a place for a person studying the lifestyle of faeries when they are still considered mostly fantasy creatures?), but reading his journals makes me feel kind of like I'm with family even when all my family is missing, missing, or missing. I mean, it's kind of like being with him without him actually talking to me or about me at all, just knowing his personality, which is what it takes to really know any person, right? I mean, I don't really know what's going on exactly in this entry but I feel like I'm getting to know my grandfather more and more...

'Like a fruit left in a basket for too long, what was once sweet between us has now turned black and sour. Fergus is once again at my mercy in this pendulous feud, feigning friendship after his cruel intentions. He has to be aware that I knew of his explicitly evil intentions for me, his ruse is an absurdity, the first true sign of his desperation. Never before had I seen him in such a state; I had always known him to be a man of composure and logic and dignity. There is danger in venturing to attain the knowledge and the wisdom, practical and esoteric, of lore. This I always knew, but had assumed the dangers existed in what I studied, for when any two worlds collide their are bound to be frictions and misunderstandings. It is just the same with faeries as it is with different human cultures. But the real danger, of such immensity because it is a hidden one, is from among those of your own world, with whom you study and commune. There is no innocence of differing paths being overlayed here, such a danger comes from evil intent and will to power. This is Fergus to me, a betraying master seeking to make a victim of his former friend and student. His ploys are of sheer desperation now, he has to know. It saddens me deeply, more deeply than just knowing his heart was black. He will never get his trinkets back, he will never wring them from me with kindness or with brutality.'

*super long yawns* *hugs*

Thursday, November 14, 2002

I just got back from my date with Julian a little bit a go. I was sort of worried when Puck didn't meet me at the door like he usually does, but I found him sitting in the kitchen staring at a spot on the wall. Cats are so weird when they do stuff like that. I tried to pick him to pet him, but Puck would not have any of that, trying to scratch me. I decided to leave Puck alone since I don't think I have enough bandages left after Julian's run-in's with Puck the Vicious.

My "date" with Julian was pretty low key. I met him at his house and then we just took a really long walk in his neighborhood. It was totally great, though, because we has a chance to completely talk about all sorts of stuff that has been eating away at my head like bugs. Julian is so understanding and he said a lot of stuff that put things in perspective for me, not that I will probably be able to maintain that. LOL. Julian was even worried about Ray when I told him about what's been happening to him. We really laughed, though, when Julian told me that James Chameau's sister, Jamie was going to be attending our school full time time. I guess before she was taking a bunch of classes at KU or something, only coming to our school for one class, but mostly to be around others her age. After hanging out with Cheryl's last boyfriend, I can fully understand how being around college people could be totally a drag. I can't blame Jamie for wanting to quit that. I mean, Julian and I didn't laugh at any of that, but at what Julian said Jamie wore to classes today. I guess she had on this sort of green polyester pants suit and big floppy hat. He also said her makeup made her look like a circus clown. To quote Julian, "Mascara isn't like white washing a fence." Julian is so funny, but he never says anything really mean about anyone. Even after he made that joke about Jamie he was pretty quick to say he though she was pretty smart and nice, even if she was probably as "off her bubble" as her brother. I'm sure I'll recognize Jamie now if I see her in class.

When I told Julian about what Mr. Callahan said today, he thought it was as wierd as I thought it was, which was a relief to me. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm being oversensitive and accidentally exaggerating stuff. Anway, he asked me to stay after a class again, asking me more questions about Grandfather and his journals, even though I like already told him before! Maybe Mr. Callahan is senile or needs a hearing aid or something. I think I liked it better when he was mean to me. Speaking of Mr. Callahan,I have to turn my autobiographical essay in next Tuesday and I don't have any idea what I want to write about at all. I was thinking about doing something about the day Mom disappeared, but that might be too much for me, even though its one of the days in my life that has effected me the most.

The date with Julian ended perfectly. He gave me the gentlest, sweetest kiss ever. He even told me that if I'm in to it, he can come over and stay tomorrow night because his parents will be out of town. I, of course, said, "YES!" I do feel bad, though, about monopolizing the conversation. I couldn't help myself because I really haven't had anyone to vent with, especially since Cheryl doesn't seem to ever be around this week. I can't wait to finally badger her about her new boyfriend. Tomorrow night, I hope I remember to ask Julian about what's been happening with his family. I feel like a jerk not doing so today. I didn't mean to be so self-centered. Really! Julian is just so easy to talk to.

Before my date, band practice actually went well today. Ray seemed back to his sort of normal self. He even brought another song to practice for us to pretend to like and never play again after running through it once. It was almost a relief to hear him tell us about his last talk with his Grandfather, who had written the lyrics to his latest work of art. I don't know what "The books are hidden in your heart/ but I'll disassemble its parts" is supposed to mean. I think the only person who was even remotely annoying was Chris, but that was just because he kept telling us about how he made dinner last night using this recipe he got from the Food Channel from some guy named Bobby Fay or smething like that. It was some sort of sweet potato cake and grilled squid thing that sounded totally gross to me. Even though practice was good, it was the chat with Patrick afterwards that wasn't. He's still making plans to replace Ray, which seems really cold since Ray is his best friend. I guess Patrick knows somebody who makes music with a laptop computer that he thinks could perfectly replace what Ray does with a lot less equipment to cart around. I think what's really important is to help Ray, the band being second. I don't think anybody else would agree with me, except for maybe Ray. LOL. At least, I almost have faith that we won't completely suck on Saturday, especially if Ray keeps doing as good as today.

I think it's time for me to get back to my homework. In case nobody has noticed, a made a new discussion board thing on ILM called Music For Beginners for dummies like me who aren't as smart as a lot of people are on ILM. Sometimes I feel pretty dumb when I post a question on the regular board and I worry I'll make people mad. I don't want to frustrate anyone. Not everyone can be as nice and patient as Ned Raggett, who has to be one the nicest people ever whose also beyond smart. Now I really have to get to my studying. I hope Puck isn't still staring at the kitchen wall. Maybe I should go check on him. *Hugs*

PS It was totally great talking to you tonight, John Thomas! You rawk!

Thursday, November 14, 2002

*nodding off* I am desperate for some sleep! After my fucked up nightmare I couldn't sleep at all, and before I even knew it it was time to get up and drag my butt and books to school. lol That lol was a feeble one. Because I'm feeble. *snores*

Well, I guess I'm glad I actually did go to school today because it gave me the opportunity to have a...shall we say...interesting conversation with Gwynn. :- It was very enlightning, that's for sure. She said she felt ultra bad about me getting mugged and so at first I was all touched. 'How sweet. She still cares about me.' That kind of thinking going through my head. Harumff! Well, it turns out SHE KNOWS WHO DID THE MUGGING and she feels so bad because she kind of thinks it was partially her fault. Everything is OK up to this point, but she won't tell me who did it. Of course I have STRONG suspicions that I know who did it since I know who Gwynn hangs around. North and his crew of criminals! And she won't say for certain, she just wants to apologize for maybe tipping them off to where I liked to hang out and stuff like that!!!!!! If she really felt so bad about it and was all concerned she should tell the police and stop protecting that FUCKING ASSHOLE! >:-( So I know hwo did it now and I have a friendperson claiming she knows who did it but she won't say. Great. What good does that do me? Gwynn said, 'And don't just assume it's North. I know what you're thinking and don't just assume anything.' Uuuuuurrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh! As much as that pisses me off I couldn't really act too mad sine this was Gwynn reaching out to me after all. It's just EATING me inside that I KNOW who did it now and I can't do anything about it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. It's times like these I wish there was a God and that that God would smite urchins like North. There was no harm to me this time, and maybe they haven't hurt anybody yet, but how long is it this scum will keep doing 'petty' crimes and move on up to the really terrible stuff? Not long! *sigh* Even if I believe criminals shouldn't be put in jail, I DO think they should be sent off to their own criminal countries where they won't harm anyone but themselves anymore.

Remner, oh Remner, what a fucking dumbass poser you are. LOL OK, get this one, he's given up on being a cynical person (which doesn't seem like it even warrants a whole philosophy to me, but then I don't know much about philosophy so whatever) and now he's researching the Amish! LOL I predicted it first! I win the bets! Pay here! LOL What a dweeb. Do the Amish even let new people into their religion? I don't know, and neither does Remner, but he's going to be one anyway. I don't know, I'm beginning to like having him around because he makes me laugh, even if he doesn't mean to. *gasps* Am I a cruel girl? NO! You'd laugh at him too if you knew him. ;-)

Cheryl ALREADY has a new boyfriend. Cheryl, if you're reading this, and I know you are because I know you'd be as curious as me and couldn't resist peeking, WHAT'S UP WITH A NEW BOYFRIEND ALREADY??? Seriously. She wouldn't tell me too much at school, and she's all giggly and excited. LOL I thought she was going to pee her pants. (Don't hit me Cheryl!) LOL (c: (Cheryl, call me at around eleven or midnight if you can. We need to talk, not all boy stuff. As you can see I think Gwynn wants to make nice again.)

I really appreciated Joe's story, even though I didn't know what some of the names meant or if they meant anything at all. Or maybe I should say especially because I didn't know what any of the names meant, making me want to find out more. I looked some of the stuff up, the names I didn't recognize. Like 'Misignwa' is kind of like a Big Foot character that protects the natural world, 'Kokumthena' is the female creator of the world, 'Cyclone Person' is really real and is some kind of floating head with tornado braids (wierd! LOL), and 'Thunderbirds' are these birds that make thunderstorms. I kind of figured the different creatures were real things but some of them seemed so outlandish I just had to look them up! (c: I wonder if there's anything I can do for Joe in return? He gave that rock and now he wrote me a story, which means alot to me. I feel like a sap for admitting it, but I kind of start to tear up a little bit when I think about it. THANK YOU JOE!

Looks like I'll get to make up some time lost with the Jubilee fiasco. Barda the Bitch called wanting to know if I'd be willing to work tomorrow on such short notice because one of their regular volunteers DIED and they haven't been able to fill the spot with, get this, 'reliable volunteers, so I called you'. That horrible witch! Not only does she KNOW she screwed the schedule up but then she has to go and rub it in with a little dig like that! Still, I said I'd be happy to do it, I can't punish the Cafe and especially the people eating at the Cafe to try and punish a few nasty people that want to subjugate me while pretending they're all shiny and great. We'll they're not. Barda is this hideous nasty lady with no personality and no inclination except towards fucking good people over. I think she's a troll. LOL I'm almost not joking, she's a fucking troll! Someone had their baby stolen a long time ago and what they got in return was...Barda. LOL

Woo hoo! Date with Julian tonight. I don't know what's been going on but maybe he'll tell me like he wants me to tell him everything. Two way street, right? *smirks* I don't know, don't even care so much, just excited to spend time with the man behind the unassuming volunteer mask! LOL :-P

Time for practice. *mixed feelings* I hope Ray is OK today. I really, really do. I guess we're (meaning me and Patrick) looking for someone that can fill his shoes should things NOT go OK. *sighs* I have it so lucky I sometimes realize. Joe, Ray, Chris, Remner, all so incredibly fucked up it's staggering. Ugh. Speaking of Chris, he's bringing his freakish friend over to practice tonight 'to jam' a little bit. Gawwwwwd! I think he's trying to get this wierdo into the band or something, which is totally NOT something I want. We were lucky to get rid of the old Chris, but if this freak comes in it'll be like haivng him come back from some hellish vacation. I don't even know why Samantha lets Chris keep this freako as a friend now that Chris has become so reformed. *scratches head* Chris must feel the need to 'assert his manhood' or something by keeping his token gross petfriend. LOL Whatever, time to actually go...

*hugs*

Thursday, November 14, 2002

Ugggghhhhhh! I had the most terrible dream ever and it doesn't help waking up totally freaked out with Puck sitting on my chest looking down into just opening eyes! GAWD! It was horrible. I was back outside of Starbucks walking to my car, when these slim, light skinned people who were like sort of short and had pointy ears like Spock in Star Trek started to attack me, hitting me over and over again with these long cardboard tubes filled with this nasty powder sugar that got all over me. I kept screaming for help, but no one came and they wouldn't let up, hitting every bit of me with their paper towel tubes. Then one of them got really close to my face. I get see his beedy little eyes and he had like these really small sharp teeth. He kept asking me something, but I couldn't understand it all because it sounded like the sound my computer makes when it's trying to get on the internet. I don't think I will be able to go back to sleep at all tonight.

Thursday, November 14, 2002

*whew* Sorry about only one entry today. Practice, Patrick, Jubilee Cafe, book reading and obsessively checking everything in the house thousands of times has made me just too damn busy to write any earlier! OK, I met with Patrick today, who is totally concerned about Ray's out of proportion and kind of scary reaction to his grandfather's death. Skipping ahead in time a little bit, at least I can breathe a tiny *sigh* of relief that Ray was his, um...normal?...self again tonight at practice. Back to my little pow wow with Patrick, lol, he seems to think maybe we should start looking for a replacement for Ray NOW if we're going to stay together as a band, which even that is questionable since Ray is a pretty important part and stuff. All of Ray's little weirdness, and especially the disorientation he showed yesterday, hasn't gone unnoticed by teachers and more importantly parents. I guess Ray's parents have talked to Patrick 'frankly' behind Ray's back about what's been going on, trying to get answers and all that, and if Ray doesn't magically get better real soon they'll probably make him seen 'professional help', which means the psychiatrist. And if it comes to that that could very well mean no band for Ray. We'll see. *fingers crossed for the band, and most importantly for Ray* :-| I knew he was totally wierding out, but I never really thought about it like mental illness, which I guess it is.

Joe gave me this paper he wrote a story for me on. It was totally sweet of him to do that for me. *sniffles* I was really touched that this total stranger thinks so much of me that he would pay so much attention to my stupid life. (c: I feel important in the world for once! He seems really concerned about my well-being, he must be able to tell how stressed I am or something. Joe just being Joe lifts my spirits like a weightlifter carrying medicine balls! LOL But Joe writing something for me touched me alot. *Thanks Joe* So here's the story...

"A great buck who was directly from the blood of the Great Deer who split into many smaller pieces after being hit by a tremendous lightning became the prey of a hidden horned serpent. This serpent wrapped itself around the buck and even though the buck was powerful amongst his deer brethren and even though the serpent was on the lands out of its natural element while the deer was in his ordained place the serpent managed to win and kill this great buck after a struggle that created many waterways and flung water onto the tops of hills where it still falls today.

The serpent won and tore off the great buck's head, and wore it as its own so it could trick its victims and hide in the open. But the great buck sensed his demise in the struggle and he ensured his seed was carried on even after he died, as he knew he would. Many years later how the great buck had been killed was forgotten by most and even his own descendants did not know. But a doe that had been born of his lineage was warned of the great serpent by one of two ravens that were old enough to have seen the great struggle for themselves, high above where they were safe. The raven told the doe the story on the banks of a stream where the raven liked to wait, one of the very streams carved from the great buck's struggle with the serpent. The raven told the doe that it had been waiting for the right time to remind the deer of this history because to do so sooner would have risked their not taking it very seriously. After the raven had finished the story and given the important warning that it had stayed alive so long for it died and was swept down the stream while the doe stood in shock. The raven whose partner had died thirty three years before had said the serpent was like the moon and the sun and that just as surely it had left it would again come.

But the raven had not told the doe how to defend against the great serpent disguised as a buck or so the doe thought at the time. The doe knew there was no time to waste, that just as the serpent had left it was now to come again. But the doe had lost the way because the streams along which she ran had changed course like the writhing serpent that made them. In frustration the doe appealed to Kokumthena but Kokumthena responded that the doe's destiny was her own, though the doe could not understand this since Kokumthena speaks in her own language.

Next the doe thought to appeal to Misignwa but Misignwa could not be found as the great forest spirit had many matters to attend to. The doe began to despair over her destiny and suspected every buck she saw to be the great serpent coming again as night after Sun has voyaged beyond the horizon. In desperation the doe called upon Cyclone Person after seeing one of her braids dragging along a valley floor. Cyclone Person listened to the doe's story and offered to sweep the great serpent back to sea. But the doe had to refuse because she did not know where the serpent was and could not have every buck swept to sea for safety as that would only create a new problem for all the deer.

In despair the doe climbed to a great height, the home of the four winds, to look on all the lands to spot the serpent before it had found her. The doe had the thought to request the help of the four winds, which blow everywhere, even to great lengths beyond the seas, and know many things. But Kokumthena forbade the four winds from staring at females making communication with them impossible. In fact the four winds had retreated the moment the doe ascended the mountain.

As it happened a flock of birds took opportunity of the stillness of the air on the mountain to rest. The doe spoke with every species of bird about the great serpent with little luck until meeting the Thunderbirds who fight with the great serpent at times in the sky. They said they would help her if they could, but even they could not prevail against the horned serpent and their numbers dwindled until at the lowest in the winter right before the regular outpouring of new Thunderbirds to fight in the skies making lightning with their blinks and guarding the gates to heaven.

After all the failures of the doe to find a way of defeating the serpent as it came again like Moon after Sun the doe finally met the serpent at night without its deer mask keeping it hidden. Even being from the blood of the Great Deer himself the doe stood no chance against the great horned serpent and had no choice but to flee and try to hide herself. But the serpent was tremendously big and had senses also larger than those of a normal serpent. Everywhere the doe ran the serpent was close behind. The doe was in absolute terror and had been tricked into circling back into a trap the great serpent had set by closing her inside an arena of its coils. In a final act of desperation the doe put on the head of her long dead ancestor hoping it would fool the serpent into letting her pass by. The serpent did not attack but the serpent did not leave her be either because the serpent had become confused after wearing the deer mask for so long into thinking the mask was its true reflection. Every move the doe made the serpent mimicked as if in a mirror. The doe tried drowning the serpent by walking into a lake, but water was the serpent's natural medium. The doe tried burying the serpent, but the doe could not stay under the Earth long enough. The doe tried many tricks on the serpent but all failed either because the serpent was immune or because the doe could not inflict upon herself what she wanted to inflict on the serpent. But finally after all these things the doe tried and much time had passed Sun came up again as it does after Moon and burned the serpent with its heat until the great horned serpent turned to ash which covered all the land. "

Nothing much going on with Julian right now. :-| We aren't cooling off or anything (at least I hope not!), but he's been busy because of 'family stuff'. I just hope he isn't still pissed at me over the mugging thing. *sighs* On the other hand, he's not exactly opening up to me either with his little 'family stuff' excuse which explains a big fat nothing! But I'll reserve judgment...for now. lol He was at Jubilee, and we talked then of course, and on the phone some too, but he seemed kind of distant.

*gurgles* I talked to Tanner-Simpson briefly today. He said he just wanted to check up on me and he asked a few questions about my mom's clothing and if I knew about her dental record or anything. *gags* That's not very reassuring! I don't even want to think about it, and I don't even want to know, or part of me doesn't. Just, find out and do her justice but don't tell me about it, OK?

I'm finally finished with A Clockwork Orange, and next on the list is Billy Budd, which is by the same guy that made that shitty Moby Dickhead novel that I tried to read once a long time ago but couldn't finish because it just dragged on and on and on and on, lol. *shakes violently from the memory* But Billy Budd is supposedly alot shorter, which can only help. And Mr. Callahan told us all it was an easy read. So, THAT would be nice. I managed to read all of A Clockwork Orange without understanding most of the wierd lingo, although a link someone sent me to a translator helped, it was just hard remembering it all. I probably would have picked up on it easier if I could have made myself pay closer attention, lol. :-P So now I have to write a fucking paper on this thing. Ugh. It's only two pages, and I get what went on for the most part I think. Bad guy does bad stuff with bad boys, bad guy gets betrayed by bad boys he does bad stuff with (duh, they're bad boys you dumb bad guy! lol), bad guy gets sent to bad prison to be 'fixed', bad guy only pretends to be fixed but when bad guy gets out of the special bad prison bad guy has change of heart (ie, grows up) and bad guy lives good and happily ever after. The end. See how easy that was? *sarcasm* Of course I guess good books aren't determined by how short and to the point they are, and this book certainly had enough interesting words to puff it all up and make it kind of hard to understand. Um...I'm sort of kidding of course. I don't really think books should be THAT short! Ha ha ha, it would save me a bunch of time in my AP English class though. ;-)

*hugs*

P.S. After who even knows how long of not hearing anything from Gwynn, who as you may remember just decided to shun all of her old friends al of a sudden, came up to me at achool today and wants to talk. Yay! This is a good sign! Even if she abandoned me, I'll never abandon her. (c;

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Cheryl's been out all evening with some guy. I guess she got over Brinn fast. Gawd! Of course, that mean's I'm by myself. I wish I could call Julian, but it isn't enough notice for him to make an excuse to his mom and dad for staying over. I really miss Manny right now, too. I always felt safe with her on patrol. I mean, I totally love Puck, but he is just a kitten, even if he is overly frisky and a tiny bit dangerous with those claws of his. I've been trying to work on all the stuff I need to get done for school tomorrow, but I jump at least a million feet every noise I hear in the house, which is totally dumb since I know its like the heater or the trees outside or whatever. I feel like such an idiot. I wish Manny was here.

Practice was totally freaked out, even more than yesterday's. I'm supposed to meet Patrick tomorrow before the next one after my shift at Jubilee Cafe to talk about it. We're bothe pretty worried about Ray, whose just losing it all over. Even Chris noticed, which has to mean something! While we were taking a break between songs, Chris was telling me about the fabric he was thinking about using for new curtains when he sort of paused and asked me if I had noticed anything funny about Ray. Who hasn't? Get this. When practice started Ray was his normal bizarre self talking about his grandfather, but after the end of the first song he had like completely forgotten how to play and seemed like he was having trouble with everyone's names but mine. I don't know how we made it through our set. Ray definitely didn't know what he was doing. He even ended practice early saying he wasn't feeling very good. We only kind of made it through maybe 5 songs, or I should say, at least Chris, Patrick and I played five of our songs. I don't have a faintest clue what Ray was doing. I even watched him a little. He looked totally confused behind his stacks of machinery. We are so doomed on Saturday if practice doesn't go better tomorrow.

I think me telling the rest of the pooka story is kind of hopeless right now. I'm still pretty shaky from last night. I looked at the notes I made and they sort of confuse me. I can't believe how bad my handwriting is! I suppose I could sort of an outline for right now. It just won't have any fancy language, not that I could ever dream of writing like my grandfather anyway. Anyway, so you remember the story I messed up? That pooka in Kilfinane who had it in for my grandfather and his friend before that war and the townspeople blaming them so they had to leave? So, the entry I quoted from before that was when grandfather had come back after that war and heard about the pooka making people disappear so he came back to find out what was going on, but this time he knew a lot more because he had studied and stuff in college. Also, I think he sort of felt responsible for the pooka because it had all sort of started when him and his friend were collecting rocks for a fence or something like that. At least, that's what he suspected when he came back to the town, but no one would talk to him about it at all until the wife of one of the vanished men spoke to him, telling him all about what had happened, my grandfather knowing for sure it was a pooka. Hold on a second. I hear something in the kitchen. I'll be right back . . .

I just left a window open. Nothing big. Anyway, my grandfather once he realized it was the pooka called his friend Colum to look some stuff up for him the library. He had an idea, but he wasn't sure if he had exactly right. Colum completely confirmed it, which made Grandfather totally happy because it meant that his plan to banish the pooka from Kilfinane might work. Uggghhhhh! I keep getting interrupted. Hold on . . .

GAWD! Puck totally knocked a lamp over and it completely broke all over the place. It's so luck it didn't fall on him. I guess he was playing with the cord or something. I've got to clean it up now. I'll try to finish my story tomorrow night. I promise! Let's all hope practice goes a lot better tomorrow. It just has to or we are all so doomed. Maybe I'll call Cheryl one more time. I so hope she is back so I can talk her into coming over here. Otherwise, I don't know how I am going to fall asleep. *A trembly hug*

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

*blushes* I feel so embarrassed now. It's Erin again. I'm back, yay, whatever. lol I was mugged and spent the night at the hospital, but it was stupid of me. )c: I wasn't hurt, fortunately. I was admitted to the hospital because I got all hysterical and because I had VERY minor abrasions. Gawd, I feel so embarrassed for getting so worked up. I just freaked out! lol I can laugh about it now but I was insane last night! The people that mugged me hit me with those plastic twirly lawn thingies that are made of, what, tinsel plastic? LOL I'm so fucking stupid! I was just so shocked! Out of nowhere I'm being hit by like three twirly lawn thingies! It was stupid of me to flip out over something like that! I was totally disoriented when these ASSHOLES started doing that, I tried to cover my head and everything and I kind of plopped down onto the ground and boy was I ever SCREAMING! lol I mean it didn't hurt, I was just kind of in shock or something. They told me to give them my purse, which I did of course, I'm not stupid about muggers. (I was mugged once about two years ago, I know just to hand over the stuff and don't look at the muggers because they get pissed when you do that.) It scared the shit out of me! But now that it's all over it's kind of funny, in a wierd way. I mean, muggers that attack their victims with those twirly lawn thingies? LOL How stupid is that?

*cringes* But gawd, I was so hysterical when it happened it was nuts! I mean, people in Starbucks heard me and came out to see what was going on and help, so it's good I went berserk like I did, I guess. But I feel so embarrassed about going to the hospital and being all 'melodramatic' about just some mugging, which happens every day to everyone. Ugh. Everyone probably thought I was some sort of hysterical wimpy GIRL said like it was a curse word. *grits teeth* I HATE that stereotype! They took me to the hospital 'just to make sure everything is OK, honey'. I had a few scratches from the twirly things, but mostly all that was hurt was my pride and my wallet. They gave me a sedative to calm me down...because I was fucking freako eyed, lol. 8-(

The police were called of course, and some of the people from Starbucks even saw the fucking muggers running away. I didn't get a look at them since they came out of nowhere and immediately started whacking me over the head with the twirly things. I didn't know who to call from the hospital. I mean, Brett could probably have cared less. And I didn't want to call Julian because I didn't want to bother him, like I'm some kind of handfull or something going from dumbass crisis to dumbass crisis. Which I guess in some ways I am, but not by MY choice, believe me! The police said there's actually a pretty good chance they'll get the people responsible since it's been a string of muggings over the past few weeks and not just an isolated incident. *scratches head* I guess that if it had been an isolated incident they'd probably not put much effort into catching the FUCKING DICKFACES that are going around not just mugging people but cruelly scaring the SHIT out of them in the process. Yeah, that's great. I guess the message here is if you're a criminal you should only do your crimes every once in a while so no pattern gets noticed, becuase the police are only interested in catching the shitheads that are liable to catch more attention. GRRRRRR!!!

The worst part of the whole thing is probably the inconvenience involved with the whole thing. I had to call the credit card people, I've got to get my license again, I've got to get all the other shit I had in my purse again, I've got to get my video cards and that kind of stuff again, I've got to buy a new purse, I've got to tell the bank about the checkbook, gawd, I'm not even sure what all I have to do. Plus, I'll have to explain to millions of people at school over and over again what happened. Plus me imposing on Cheryl, who is going through a rough time too since she just, and I mean just broke up with Brinn. Ugh. And now she knows where my blog is and she can read it herself, which is totally embarrassing. *scratches head thinking desperately about whether I've said anything mean about Cheryl* LOL Just kidding, I'm (pretty) certain I haven't said anything nasty. (c;

Of course I have to thank Cheryl millions of times over! You're a wintergreen lifesaver and I just SUCK! I am SO sorry about this stupid melodrama. I feel like an real idiot for this. )c: Thank gawd they didn't get my spiffy car. Have I mentioned how spiffy my car is? It's spiffy. lol

I called Dad and Aunt Minnie. Dad was in super Dad mode, questioning me up one side and down the other. Which is sweet of him! And Minnie was all concerned too of course. And I finally got around to telling Julian, and he got kind of pissed at me (!) for not calling him when it happened. He said I shouldn't worry about imposing on him, that he was always there for me, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, do I need to go on? It was the normal 'I'm there for you' speech, which is really nice and I know he means it, but everyone pretty much knows how it goes by now I figure. :-) Do I really even need to say Julian is 'perfect boyfriend' personified? It's true! He's not a pushover, but he doesn't get insanely pissed or pushy either. He's polite but he doesn't treat me like I'm some fragile little girl either. *dreamy sighs*

OK, I'm going to go for right now. I just wanted to say it wasn't as bad as it seemed. I'm still kind of edgy, I know because I keep looking over my shoulder all the time. And I keep getting up to check everything is OK. And I have all the lights on. LOL OK, so maybe I was affected. I hope they catch the fuckers. Punk shitheads. Ugh. I'm going to go over and see Cheryl in person after practice, I think I'm going to gingerly bring up maybe spending the night. I feel so stupid, but I'm still scared a little bit. )c:

*guarded hugs*

Monday, November 11, 2002

This Cheryl, not Erin. Erin wanted me to put something in her blog because she is in the hospital right now. Don't worry about her, though. It was serious, but she will be alright. I know my fingers are crossed for her and she is in my prayers tonight. She's my best friend and I wouldn't anything bad to ever happen to her like what did tonight. I don't think she should go out so much by herself like she does all the time. If she'd stayed home or got me to go with her maybe nothing would have happened. I feel like crying when I think about her being mugged by whoever those pricks were who hurt her when she was walking back to her car from Starbucks. That place is nothing but the worst news. Erin should stay away from it. She should be out of the hospital tomorrow. At least that's what the doctor said. They just wanted to keep her for observation. Thank god! Get well, Erin! Everyone sends there love and, yes, I'm kittysitting Puck, you goofy girl. I bet Puck sends his kitty purrs too.

Monday, November 11, 2002

)c: Um...OK, I don't know what I did but I guess I made Naked O'Malley mad somehow because she's removed me from her links section. Ack! If I did something to piss you off say so!

Anyway, I just got back from an...interesting...shift at Jubilee Cafe. LOL I can tell they haven't given up their desire to boot me once and for all. By 'they' I mean the paid staff of course. They watch me like a hawk! I bet they're watching me when I'm not even aware of it. It's like a conspiracy that's actually true. I mean, I guess I understand Mrs. Fenster's logic--I was a no show twice as far as she's concerned, even though that's not really true. And maybe most of the rest of the staff see it the same way as her, and just want to get what they perceive as a 'bad apple' out before she rots the rest of the volunteers. But I'm not guilty! Barda is the worthless or plain evil person that screwed up the schedule, it wasn't my fault for once! Ugh. So there's still a conspiracy theory, even if it's maybe just the conspiracy of one, Barda. Why? She hates me. Obviously. :-(

I was a little nervous because I felt so bad about Julian getting swiped by Puck. (Note to self: avoid calling Puck Manny like I just almost did!) But Julian was perfect as ever, he was totally OK with it, saying 'cats will cats' and shrugging it off. And, he didn't seem to mind the dinner disaster, though he did suggest we go out to eat on our dates from now on. LOL I think he was trying to be very ginger and nice but not really wanting to eat my cooking again, lol. :-P I'm not always that bad, but I do have to admit it's kind of a 50-50 operation with me. You have even chances of getting a good meal versus a bad, BAD, BAD meal! I couldn't hope for a better, gasp, dare I even say it for fear of jinxing it?....boyfriend. There! I did it! Whatever will happen now will happen! LOL Really, I think this one will work out good, Julian is great. If there's any chance of it getting totally fucked up it's definately going to be my fault and my fault alone.

*sighs* Moving on, what made me say the shift at Jubilee was so...interesting...is that MY OLD AP ENGLISH TEACHER SHOWED UP!!! Yes! No, that's not a 'Yay!' yes, that's a 'yeah, really!' yes, lol. Mr. Robbs was at Jubilee Cafe...as a customer! Gawd, he must have really fell on hard times after leaving his job. *cringes* It was so awkward, it's insane. The whole point of Jubilee Cafe is DIGNITY, and OPTIONS, and COMFORT for the 'less fortunate', the homeless. Well, I can't imagine Mr. Robbs had much dignity when he was being served by a former student, and that's really sad to me. Ugh. To make matters worse, I think Mr. Robbs has become an alcoholic, or maybe he's always been one and that's why he got fired in the first place, but the point was that it was heartbreaking to see a man completely broken when you knew him before his downward spiral. I really think I could have cried. Mr. Robbs had a total 'I don't give a fuck' attitude and I'm not even sure he recognized me. )c; I said it was...interesting...but I guess it was more like...totally fucking horrible.

OK, I've got to go to practice. I'm busy, busy, busy. This week we're practicing for our next gig every day, I've got to finish A Clockwork Orange plus a bunch of other shit for my classes, including a paper for economics, which is hellish to just think about, and I really want to do more stuff with Cheryl since we've kind of been slacking off lately, me spending all my time either writing for this thing or doing stuff with Julian and her on her fling thing with Brinn. Anyway, I've got to practice, like I just said! LOL *bounces head on walls*

*hugs*

P.S. I'll try to finish the pookah story from my grandfather tonight if I can. I pay attention to what the people of my guestbook desire! LOL

Sunday, November 10, 2002

DINNER WAS A DISASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I completely botched the lasagne and to make things even worse Puck got out of my room and when Julian picked him to pet him, Puck totally took a swipe at his face, scratching him pretty bad on the face. I wouldn't blame Julian if he never ever ever ever talked to me again. :-(

Sunday, November 10, 2002

OK, short entry tonight 'cause it's been busy and I am tired. *yawn and stretch* I had an...interesting time with Julian, let me put it that way, lol. Plus, I talked to John Thomas yet some more. As a matter of fact...

JohnJonbow: I should be mad that you posted our conversation you know..
manny neko: oh, im sorry!
JohnJonbow: But I wanst really mad so..
manny neko: i guess i wasnt thinking. i enjoyed talking to you.
JohnJonbow: It was your right..
manny neko: and i'm just used to putting everything in my blog. i guess, though, this is sort of like a phone conversation.
JohnJonbow: Justt glad I didnt say anything totally stupid..

Ack! I had no idea I might be breaking some kind of etiquette there or something! I have so much to learn about just simple stuff even, it's insane. Sorry again John Thomas! (c; Maybe sometimes, I DO do stupid things that people could get mad at me about that I'd never even realize. Ugh.

I could never have guessed where Julian was taking me, which is just what he said when he told me he was taking me for a 'surprise'. Well, it was a surprise all right, but more like a surprise surprise. LOL Oh, it wasn't that bad really. It was just this little movie called 'Hate Equals Hate a.k.a. Columbus Day' about Indians going out every Columbus Day and kidnapping, beating and murdering some white guy. Um...SURPRISE! lol OK, I didn't quite know what to make of that. The movie was only like 20 minutes long, but it was an intense 20 minutes. After the little movie thing, which is still being bounced back and forth in the opinion making pinball machine part of my head LOL, we went out to eat, which was great. We didn't really talk too much about the movie. :-@ I didn't say much because I wasn't and am still not sure how I feel about it, even though the message is pretty clear, and not as shocking as it seems at first. I guess what I'm not sure about is the whole Columbus Day thing, but since I'm not sure about it I'll spare my blog...for the timebeing!!! And Julian didn't say much because I think he wasn't sure how I felt about it. Well, I don't mind really, I was just...surprised.

I'm making dinner for Julian tomorrow, by the way. I have to find just the right thing.... I'm kind of wimping out since it's harder to find the better mushrooms now. :-P I've decided to make a mushroom lasagne from a recipe I found on the web...

8 strips Rippled Edged Lasagne Noodles
4 tbs. Butter or Margarine
8 oz. Mozzarella Cheese, thinly sliced
1/2 tsp. Salt
1/2 cup Parmesan Cheese, grated
2 lbs. Fresh Mushrooms
3 -8oz. cans Tomato Sauce
12 oz. Ricotta Cheese
1/8 tsp. Ground Black Pepper

I'm going to try and find a way to lessen the amounts because it'll just be us two and this recipe feeds six! Hermmmm. I'm not so good at math and proportions. LOL Julian beware! :-) It'll probably work out. I guess. If not, he can have an...interesting...little surprise too, lol.

*hugs*

P.S. Oh! What are the odds? In a part of the conversation I'm not going to publish here, John Thomas told me he really loves mushrooms too and we had an interesting little talk about them. See how it pays off to communicate with people you think are kind of against you? He's not so bad after all, and maybe neither am I. *wishful thinking* LOL But really, I'll convince him the little folk are out there, just waiting for the right humans to communicate with!

Saturday, November 9, 2002

Puck doesn't seem to like Julian AT ALL! He gets all arched and snarly whenever Julian looks at him, let alone try to pet him. It was terrible while we watched the video Julian brought over! I was all excited to see it too when I found out Julian had rented Battle Royale, that Japanese movie about the students forced to fight each other. Really, I was probably mostly excited about spending time with Julian totally alone. Things started out OK, me and him chatting and snuggling on the couch until Puck pounced on Julian arm, sinking his claws in good. I can't believe Julian didn't scream or something. He just sort of grimaced while he tried to pry Puck off of his arm. Puck so shredded his shirt sleave too. Thank god I had some antibiotic ointment in the bathroom and some gauze to fix up Julian's wounds. Really, I'm just impressed that Julian didn't just freak out and throw Puck against the wall in a fit of rage. I don't know how I would have reacted. I mean, Puck has given me a few scratches, but it's when we are playing and you sort of expext that sort of thing you know when you are doing that. The worst part, tough, is that instead of staying after the movie was over, Julian felt like he should get home what with his Puck induced injury. :-( But don't be too sad for me . . . Julian is coming by in a little bit to take me somewhere special, though he wouldn't tell me no matter how much I tried to pry it out of him. I'm pretty excited.

After Julian left I actually talked to John Thomas on AIM! I was pretty scared, because the stuff he has been leaving in my guestbook has been sort of on the mean side lately. Actually he's pretty sweet, even though he seems to think I'm some sort of big fat liar. I saved our conversation. Here's part of it where's he says I'm making stuff up:

JohnJonbow: I mean.. To me ... things just seemed far fetched..
manny neko: Oh, sorry! Puck got tangled in my shoelaces. I got distracted.
manny neko: Yeah! They are far fetched to me too! But that doesn't stop me from living it!
JohnJonbow: You and Brandon.. Him eating the weed.. Aunt Minnie Hiring him.. And you seem so.. Democratic.. and Liberal.. But you hate Chris.. WHo seems really sad if you ask me..
JohnJonbow: Do you want me to not express my opinions then?? Not say waht I think??
manny neko: I do!
manny neko: I'm just trying to digest it.
JohnJonbow: Well.. I have a hard time swallowing it..
manny neko: Besides, you think being democratic is far fetched? Look, those are my beliefs! Half the country mister! Half!
JohnJonbow: I have no problekm with being a liberal and a democrat..
manny neko: I couldn't make up my life if I wanted to. And why would I even want to make stupid shit like that? Brandan is 4 REAL, really 4 REAL, unfortunately. If i did, it would be a lot better than the one I haveIf i did, it would be a lot better than the one I have.

I guess at the very least John Thomas said he thought I was smart and a good writer, even though he thinks I've been fibbing. I mean, he did say, "I think you are totally samrt.. I bet you are a gifted student.. No??" Alrighty, I have to get ready for Julian. He should be over any time. I need to shut Puck in my room first so he doesn't bother Julian. *Hugs*

Friday, November 8, 2002

*Plops down* OK, first business first. >:-( I've been getting alot of...interesting...comments in my guestbook entry lately. Hey, you know what's really funny? They're mostly about 'man hating' (which is untrue) and the mean comments are all coming from, gasp, you guessed it...MEN! Typical. A man is hateful toward an innocent girl and hypocritically blames the girl for being the hateful one! LOL Gawd, can't you see how stupid you're being men? Not to mention proving my points. And let's just get something clear here, OK, I don't hate men. All I did was point out how they think they rule the earth when really its us women with the power. Men are lost puppies without women to guide them along. Men are like slaves, but not because women make them slaves but because men seem to have some kind of wierd need for a master. Booze, drugs, sex, sports, women, whatever. That doesn't make ME a manhater at all, it just makes you a normal, pathetic and weak man! GRRRRRR!!! I mean, do you only pay partial attention to what I write or something? I'm totally in awe of my grandfather, I love Julian, Joe is beyond fantastic, my Dad is my fucking hero! You think I'm some kind of manhater just because I dared to speak the truth (to my personal journal of all places!)? Ugh. You only prove my point for me. And have you noticed how all the positive comments come from women? Don't you think if I was wrong there'd at least be one woman that'd tell me so? But no! All the ignorant comments are coming from ignorant men. *rolls eyes* Typically typical.

John Thomas, the quote I put up yesterday was from sometime in the 70s, like 1975 or so. He didn't always date these things and they weren't in any kind of order that I could tell. *feels forehead throbbing* And NO my Dad isn't nervous about Tanner-Simpson, he's glad that we might finally get some closure! I know what you're insinuating and it's not very amusing. The only reason my Dad would be nervous is because of the possibility of the horrible rumors starting up again, from cruel people and fucking dumbasses that don't know shit! His only 'anxiety' is for the welfare of his family, thank you very much.

OK, now that that's all out of the way...

*deep sighs* It's been a loooong day, which you could probably tell from my temper that is maybe just the eensiest teensiest bit short, lol. My flanks have been besieged by two other ignorant men, even though they're more innocently ignorant. Remner, the cynical Amish coca-cola-holic insisted on following me and Cheryl around the mall today after school. What is he? 22? 25? 33? Who can tell? He acts like one of those juvenile guys that pretend to be all serious and official by saying the most ASININE things he's picked up from gawd knows where! Or maybe it's backwards, maybe he's this humorless guy that tries to be endearingly funny? Not amusing. Ack! Today he was pretending to be Curious George in the mall, totally embarrassing Cheryl and totally embarrassing me because it was embarrassing Cheryl. He must just think monkeys and cartoon characters are the funniest damn things in the world. Well, news flash, they aren't! I think he thinks his latest god, Doggy Pee or whatever, would appreciate his humorous 'subversiveness'. Why doesn't he go to Greece and pull his routine on Doggy Pee's grave then? Why must he torture me when I'm trying to spend some quality time with a friend? *pulls hair out* LOL Well, I'm not really pulling my hair out.

And then I get home and Chris calls. I think, 'ooh, OK, this won't be so bad since he's domesticated Chris now and not gross-out Chris anymore'. Well, I was totally wrong! He's obviously still ignorant in some areas at least. He called to ask me about interior design because that's apparently a 'girl thing'. He's been watching this show with this guy Christopher Lowell and I guess in the show there was some kind of twig molding or something and Chris wanted to get an 'insider's perspective' on it. I was just like 'huh?' LOL I don't know what the hell twig molding is! I tried telling him this, but he didn't listen at all and just kept rambling on about paint combinations and twig shit and attaching fabric to walls. I just wanted to scream. LOL But finally, finally, I was released. And now here I am. Frustrated to death. (c:

At least I have my Puck. And at least I have Julian coming over to watch a movie with here shortly. *sighs* I can already feel the stupid annoyance wearing away, lol. Now if I can just forget about A Clockwork Orange, lol. ;-P

*hugs*

Thursday, November 7, 2002

You know what I hate more than anything? As soon as I went to the bathroom, Brett called and left a message. Then again, after listening to it maybe I was lucky to not be able to pick it up. He sounded totally off the handle because William Tanner-Simpson had just dropped by his apartment and asked him a trillion questions about Mom and Dad. Brett kept screaming that I shouldnt have given him his address because there was ABSOLUTELY NO REASON why he would want to ever talk to an asshole like that. I guess I would feel more sympathetic for Brett if he had sounded like he was more upset about the sorts of things being asked about Dad instead of just sounding like he was annoyed because someone has disturbed his precious little life. Someday Brett is going to realize that there is more to the world than himself and that day will probably be when he's some withered old man everyone hates because he's such a total jerk. I mean how could Brett be such a dick about Mr. Tanner-Simpson, someone who's almost a saint trying to figure out what happened to Mom?

Also, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I had this weird encounter will Mr. Callahan at school. When class was over he asked me to stay for a few seconds because he wanted to talk to me. I was so frightened I wanted to just run out of the room, because the bell ringing should mean I'm free. Right? Right? Thank God he didn't demolish me like he does to everyone else in class. He actually wanted to talk to me about if I had chosen any school yet. What is this? Some sort of conspiracy against me masterminded by Mrs. Hallstrom? I guess I should be happy, though, that Mr. Callahan thinks I'm good student with lots of potential (even if I need to apply myself more, he said). When he asked me what I might like to study, I gave him the same answer I gave Mrs. Hallstrom, but it didn't seem to phase him one bit. Was I shocked when he asked me if I was interested in faeries like my Grandfather was! Mr. Callahan could tell I was confused. I can still hear his creepy chuckling. I was knocked over, so to speak, when he told me his Dad had been good friends with my Grandfather. Mr. Callahan said that his Dad always spoke fondly of Fountain, even mentioning how he was always scribbling in his journals. I didn't think much of it then, but Mr. Callahan even asked me if the Journals were still around. I don't know why but I totally lied to him and told him I had never seen them or even heard of them before now. I was so glad when he told me I could go. If my sigh of relief afterwards was any bigger I would have just crumpled up in the hall like a leaky balloon.

Also, if you wondering about Julian and me last night, that's my little secret. Let's just say I have never felt this way about anyone ever. Now I know what the word "swoon" really means. That's my cue to go bandage my hand now. Puck accidently really sunk his claws in while we were playing. I know he didn't mean to, but it sure smarts! *Hugs*

Thursday, November 7, 2002

P.S. I archived! *gurgle* I'm kind of scatterbrained right now. LOL When aren't I, right?

Thursday, November 7, 2002

OK, I've given up on reading for the night. I'm not doing too bad. :-P I'll be finished with A Clockwork Orange soon, thank Gawd. I STILL don't understand most of this nonsense language. Krovvy, droogs, blah blah blah. LOL

The Eff Bee Eye guy was around again. lol I got kind of freaked out by him the last time he came around, but he's actually a pretty nice guy, and gawd, what a nice thing he's doing for me and my family, trying to solve my Mom's disappearance. I mean, he's doing it in his spare time! I guess he might be one of those obsessive types that never gives up, which for a detective is a good thing if you ask me. *sigh* I don't know. I'm still really sensitive about what happened with my mom way back when. Some people were really great and helpful, but then there were all those people that were ASSES and said all kinds of nasty things behind our backs (the family), suggesting my Dad was involved, or that she abandoned us because she hated her family, all kinds of horrible shit. Which is partly why I obsess over stuff so much now, I'm always wondering 'what's he thinking about me?' or 'what are they secretly planning to do to me when I'm not paying attention?' and stuff like that that makes me worry so much. I mean I guess I think the worst of people because they always think the worst of me. And yet, I'm an optimist somehow. LOL Maybe I AM crazy! Anywho, Mr. Tanner-Simpson explained to me how him asking questions about my Dad doesn't mean he suspects my Dad, just that he has to cover all bases if he's going to solve it because if he didn't, and only went with common (non)sense, he'd never solve any cases because the truth is so often totally different from what you expect, even if it's been true hundreds of time before. I can totally see his point there, and I kind of agree, although I expect the sun to rise tomorrow, lol. Him actually taking the time to clear that up for me really made me feel much more at ease. (c: You go Mr. Tanner-Simpson! Ugh. Although, there's a part of me that dreads finding out what really happened, because I know, even though I hope against hope to the contrary, and FEEL like it's impossible that it's true, I know that what actually happened probably wasn't good at all. )c; I'd actually like to believe she just hated us and abandoned us one day, or that she got amnesia and is working on a bee farm somewhere or something, anything but the possibility that she's...you know. Blech. *shakes off negative thoughts*

My grandfather's journals are becoming like a Bible to me, lol, maybe I should try to publish them or something because I know they are inspirational, at least to me and probably to you too...

"In the social realms of the faerie there is no place for grief. When one dies it is cause for celebration, for every death heralds ten new births. To the fey death is a seed whose fruits are immediately realized. Every living being is one, dispersed and spread upon death, but never lost completely. And eventually one realizes this means in everything else there is some small part of me, and me of them. Here is the greatest error of those working toward darker ends: there are no darker ends. Evil deeds of murderous intent necessarily end in a good ten times greater than the wrong. To the fey, and to me now too, this is the entropic rebellion of life, the progression of the living against a tendency of decay. The greatest evil would be to inhibit natural death, hence the faerie's resisting technological "progression" at the hands of mankind. The greater evil is to inhibit the living of life, even at the risk of dying. Should we then congratulate murderers and imprison safety wardens? My mind is still too human to say yes, but the illogical logic of the fey strikes me as brilliant, and perhaps true. Can I overcome my own human weaknesses to truly embrace such an affirmative philosophy?"

Wow. *gasps* What a radically different view on things! But it makes life much more bearable, doesn't it? I wonder if the little folk are right?

OK, going again for now, lol. Puck is bugging me to play, which is what I really want to do now anyway. Sorry blog, don't take it personally. LOL A girl's got have some fun, right? *eep!* What a little rascal Puck can be too! I already have cuts all over my ankles and my hands from him. If I'm not more careful with him I might become a jigsaw girl, lol. I think I'm going to wear oven mitts to play with him, because even if he IS cute, I can't be letting myself get cut to pieces by him.

*hugs*

Thursday, November 7, 2002

Blech, blech, blech. Um, not really 'blech' I guess. My meeting with Mrs. Hallstrom, my college advisor, went...um...interestingly. She's like the car salesman for colleges or something, lol. Seriously! I went into the meeting wanting to tell her I didn't think I wanted to go to college at all but by the end of the meeting she had me all psyched about going to college after all! Gawd, I'm not even sure how she did it. When I went in she asked what I was interested in and I said 'mythological anthropology' (because, well, YOU try explaining you want to study faeries to someone that probably doesn't believe in them!). She kind of paused for a while and I thought 'OK, this'll be a breeze. She'll just say college probably isn't for me, that I should find a career through my Dad or something' (although I guess I never gave that much thought either, how could I do that? I don't even know exactly what my Dad does, let alone if I could get a job in the company he works for! Dumb, dumb, dumb.). But I guess she was just trying to figure out what that was at all in the first place and realized before I did that it could be folklore, or like a specific specialty of mythological literature. Well, I guess that actually IS what I'm interested in really, the only big difference is that I believe some of these mythological creatures are real. So I just wasn't thinking very straight or whatever because there really is a place for me in college. *deep sighs* But I do wonder how good I'd really be at it? I mean, sure I'm in Advanced Studies and I do really good on tests and stuff but come on right? I'm not that smart! Now, my grandfather was smart! Me, I'm just lucky with school or something, lol. :-P So now I am going to apply to some schools, definately KU at least for undergraduate stuff. Now I've just got to figure out where exactly I would want to go to study what I like, which I don't even know the official name for. LOL It's either 'mythological anthropology' or social work. I think I could be happy starting a place like Mrs. Fenster has in some place that really needs it. There's probably no need for a second Jubilee Cafe In Lawrence, and I'd miss this place in alot of ways, and LOVE getting away in many others. *Leans back in chair* Yeesh! A whole new thing to think about! LOL Not really new, but new to me. (c:

I have more to say, but I've got to finish this damn book. Later...

*hugs*