Wednesday, November 6, 2002

Julian is here! So much for homework . . .

Wednesday, November 6, 2002

Puck is adorable! When I came back into the living room after visiting the “ladies room,” he had pounced on a moth, the wings sticking out of his mouth while he ate it. He’s so adorable the way he thinks he’s a fierce hunter! He totally looked up at me for approval, too. I can’t believe how smart he is! I almost think he understands what I’m saying the way he cocks his head when I’m talking to him. He certainly missed me while I was at band practice today since I didn’t bring him with me this time, though maybe I should have since Chris seemed really disappointed. As soon as I stepped through the door, Puck leaped up at me and I gave the biggest kitty hug ever! He even licked my face with his tiny sandpaper kitten tongue.

Practice today would have been fine if Ray hadn’t flipped out. He totally had a temper tantrum because none of us are that interested in his kitchen appliance/robot soft rock, I mean, we’ve tried to be nice about it, but we all like how things are now. The boys compose the music and I write and sing the words. None of this is to say that we don’t try out his songs. We just never want to practice them after that or put them in our set. Today Ray brought a new song he called “Extension Chord” which was just too much. Like he always does, he introduced his new “masterpiece” by telling us that his grandfather had written the words. None of us could really believe how far gone he seemed as he presented in the lyrics, which I had to sing (but only once because God knows we’ll toss it aside like the rest). I mean, to give you an idea I saved them just to put some here. This part of the song totally screams, “I need therapy!”:

Inside my database
I listen to the face
Who tells me what
And sometimes how.
I finally feel compiled.
Activation is ready,
Input received with relief
Inside my database.

Who knows what Ray is singing about! Patrick was joking while Ray stepped outside for a second that Ray must be just copying down his favorite lines from software manuals. Even Chris laughed, even though these days he usually reprimands us if he saying anything mean about anyone. He’s so fond of looking at us disapprovingly and saying, “You don’t know until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Either that he’s talking about one of those lame interior decoracting shows on cable he watches all the time now. Don’t even get me started on how he goes on and on about Trading Spaces, even comparing the British and American versions point by point. My eyes so glaze over as do Patrick’s. I feel relieved that we aren’t going to have another practice until next Monday. I guess Patrick got us a show at Mongo’s the Saturday after this next one so next week we’ll be in Ray’s garage every day. Thank god, I’ll have four days until then!

I almost forgot. James Chameau in my AP English class definitely must have stopped taking his medication. He was annoying everyone today by rolling his eyes around and staring at people, drool falling from his mouth. At one point while Mr. Callahan was talking, he even announced that beginning tomorrow he was only going to communicate using words without the letter “e” in them because “e” was an unclean letter and sound. Mr. Callahan so kicked him out of class again, sending him straight to the principal’s office. I guess I sort of feel sorry for James because he definitely seems to have some trouble discerning between his fantasy world and the real one. I don’t think Mr. Callahan is very sympathetic, though. I even think Mr. Callahan thinks James doesn’t really have problems. When he grabbed James today, he sort of growled in this sort of scary deep voice, “Do I look like a sheep with wool to pull over my peepers, son? You aren’t fooling anyone, son. You got try harder than that.” Poor James. Maybe he would be better off in a hospital or something.

Time to go I guess. I have to finish my Clockwork Orange paper and start my autobiographical essay so Mr. Callahan doesn’t kill me. Plus, I want to have enough time to play with Puck. I bought some yarn before coming back from practice and he loves it, wiggling all over the place trying to catch it with his cute little claws. Also, I have an advisor appointment tomorrow at school with Mrs. Hallstrom. She stopped me in the hall all worried about me not having applied to any schools yet. I don’t know what I’m going to say to her or how I’m going to explain how busy I have been. Besides, I’m not even sure I want to go to college now anyway. It’s not like anyone would let me study what I what I really want like faeries. *A Heartier Hug Than Lately*

Wednesday, November 6, 2002

*giant grins* I LOVE my new cat, Puck. He's so cute, he can't seem to understand his tail is his tail and he's constantly attacking it. I brought him to practice last night and Chris, who has a total weakness for cats, was completely distracted with him. He thinks I should call him 'Choo Choo Bonewagon' which is just silly (so was Moo Cow, for that matter, how he ever gave his new cat Mr. Patches a normalish name is beyond me). lol Puck is definately a little kicker, just like his namesake! It's all good though, good to have a new companion and a little kitty to keep my mind off Manny, though I'll never forget her either. NEVER. ;-)

Practices have been so-so, we're getting better and even I can tell that. But it's pretty damn wierd with Ray freaking out over his grandfather like that. And tensions between me and him are higher now that our dates were a disaster and the Julian thing, which I had no way of knowing about, as if it mattered anyway. Ugh.

I could KILL whoever told Remner about the funeral, because he's been pestering me constantly since then with his totally out of context quotes from Dodgy Knees. I can tell he's preparing for his next belief system because he's growing his Amish beard now. LOL He's completely insane, but at least his new beliefs are harmless and easy to ignore, like Remner is in general. Water finds it's own level, as my Dad is fond of saying. LOL I think he liked the dancing dress thing though because he's mentioned it jokingly a few times, but I think he actually wants to do it again. LOL (c: Weirdo!

I am SO happy I have this chance to go back to Jubilee Cafe now. It was great to be serving the less fortunate again, and to get to see Julian. All the people eating and volunteering there that I normally see were glad to see me but I don't think I'll ever be able to escape the scorn of Mrs. Fenster and Barda and all the other people working there that actually get paid. I can just feel their eyes burning holes into me from around corners and stuff the whole time I'm there. They're just looking for a slip-up so they can boot me for good, I KNOW it. I thought it was just an honest mistake at first, the whole schedule thing, and then I thought it was just Barda covering her butt, but now I know they just don't want me there for some reason. I don't know if it's because I actually did forget to show up one time, or what. I don't know. Mrs. Fenster doesn't seem like the vindictive type, she's great, but the paid people are definately giving me the cold shoulder. I mean, I guess I only really see about seven of them, but there are only like fifteen paid people overall. )c: So, it's like there's some conspiracy against me, but unlike most conspiracy theories this one is true! lol It's bizarre. Why? Why, it just makes no sense? *shrugs* It's not like it's intolerable, I just have to be perfect. But it's kind of easy being perfect taking orders and serving as long as you genuinely enjoy what you're doing. Like me. :-P

Ooh, I've been reading my grandfather's journals throughout this ordeal, of course, and this really stood out to me, and I was thinking maybe it'd enrich you too...

"Her arms were lithe and danced like blades of grass in the wind. The pointed tips of her ears wriggled with her movements ever so slightly, as if they were the fulcrum upon which her wild and chaotic dancing hinged. She was order to the chaotic world, and because of that the environment disappeared, she became a lens through which was only the utmost clarity, her movements encompassing with stillness and exemplifying the world we were in and the world in us. And when finally she stopped her soundless dance many hours had passed and in the distance I could only just make out where from we had started. This is surely the spell of the fey common to lore! Their music hypnotic, their dances musical."

Gawd, with a perspective like that there's no way even the most suicidal person in the world could stay depressed! It didn't really relate directly to my situation, but it helped ease the pain of losing Manny alot! *sighs* SMILE PILE! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) (c: :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

OK, time for me to sing about toasters and talking car horns...LOL...

*hugs*

Tuesday, November 5, 2002

I don't think I'm in the mood to say much right now. On the plus side, I guess, Mrs. Fenster called and said I could start up at Jubilee Cafe again on Wednesday. I wish she just hadn't acted like she was doing me some sort of big favor when it's their fault that the schedule was screwed up. She certainly made me know that this was my last chance, which really bothers me since I didn't screw up last time in the first place!

Also, sometimes stuff just works out in funny ways. Last night I couldn't get to sleep because this cat was crying outside on the porch. I finally couldn't take it so I went outside and found the cutest black kitten ever. I guess I've sort of decided to adopt him, though I still need to think of a name. I'm thinking about naming him Puck after Grandfather's cat. He can't replace Manny, but I've already fallen in love with him. I know I won't make the same mistakes I made last time.

I guess I could talk about school and practice yesterday, but I think I'm done for right now. Besides, there wouldn't be much to say anyway because I feel like I've been lost in a fog since Manny died. Don't worry. Puck has helped a lot to finally make me start feeling better.

Goodnight! *Hugs*

PS Thank you for proving my point exactly Mike by being such an overbearing jerk. With friends like you, men totally don't need enemies,

Monday, November 4, 2002

)c: Yesterday was such a day of struggle for me. It was Manny's funeral of course, and even though ever since she died I couldn't stop thinking about her and feeling all guilty, yesterday somehow managed to be even worse than before. Seriously, is it messed up of me to miss her as much as I would a human? To make things worse, I'm really beginning to think some people don't take pet funerals very seriously. Like the death of a loved one is ever a joke. I could have just smashed Brandan and Patrick with a giant hammer or something. Brandan, OK, I get that. He's all bitter about me dumping him for his UTTER STUPIDITY and INABILITY TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING he does wrong and he's trying to take it out on me by dating my Aunt (my Aunt for fuck's sake!) and by acting like a dickhead by speaking lies about me behind my back and by being completely juvenile at my pet's funeral (egged on by Patrick, of course). I should have asked Minnie not to bring him at all. And she should have realized things between us probably weren't very good. But I'm beginning to think Minnie is nothing more than a tool to get back at me and that she is just clueless in her loneliness and marijuana clouded old hippy brain.

And Patrick, Patrick should be able to tell that a funeral is not the time for snickering. Gawd, I am so pissed at him right now. At practice I'll either kick him in the groin or maybe just refuse to talk and look at him. Either would be less than what I want to do to him. >:-( It's like Patrick has been infected by whatever evil alien virus or whatever used to be infecting Chris. It's like Chris sneezed on Patrick and gave it to him or secretly kissed him and sexually transmitted his disease to him. LOL Oh, that's hilarious. If you had ever seen Chris you'd understand me. Knowing my life, it should be entirely believable that Chris had an alien lifeform corrupting him that he passed to Patrick in a secret love tryst that got Chris into the band! LOL I'm kidding, kind of. (Gawd, it is so nice to be able to laugh again after so long!)

Speaking of Chris, he was simply a little slightly deformed darling at Manny's funeral. Samantha (or the passing of the alien lifeform, lol) has had a tremendous influence on him, an influence for the MUCH better. He's so...tame now. (c; That's what it takes for men, a woman to rule them and turn them into productive robots and sex machines. I mean, you've got to tame a man like some kind of animal. That's because, basically, that's what men are, beasts of burden or mandroids that us women are supposed to program for our greatest pleasure. Look at what a man like Chris does without a woman...he drinks and probably does drugs and just cavorts around like an insane monkey that happened to learn English. But now, all of a sudden, he's docile and loving and everything that Samantha wants him to be. Men turn to something to rule them, a woman, alcohol and drugs, sports, sex, competition with other men, even religion. All of those except one makes sense and is natural, and that one that's good is woman. It might be kind of depressing if we thought about it, that men are just kind of like these filters or mirrors or something, but it's the way nature wanted it to be. Isn't it funny how they think they rule the Earth? lol Huh-uh honey. LOL And I think this is what happened to Chris, that or aliens evacuating his body. :-P

The actual funeral was deeply sad. There was me, Minnie, Julian (he's perfect and almost makes me think I'm wrong about my little theory up there), Cheryl, Brinn, Chris, Samantha, Patrick, Ray, Brandan, and that freako friend of Chris's. Oh, and Remner, who showed up halfway through. I don't even know how he found out, it must have been Brandan, and he was definately NOT invited! Samantha had Chris dig the grave, which he was all too happy to do. Julian kind of officiated like a priest and stuff. Minnie made a special marker for Manny out of branches and dried flowers all woven together. It was really sweet even if it was a little 'precious' and poor Manny would have had no marker at all if it hadn't been for her. I didn't do what Chris did and I just let Julian speak and then I spoke and that was pretty much it. I got to say goodbye to her and pay my respects and tell her how much I loved her one last time. Of course I was a mess and I cried alot. Even Chris cried, probably because he was reminded of Moo Cow. And Julian was infinitely supportive. He even reprimanded Brandan and Patrick when they started snickering. Cheryl was her normal old self which I probably take for granted way too much. It was sweet to know I had such support. I felt alot better after that, though at times like right now it's pretty sad because normally Manny would be playing with the air or sleeping in my lap while I typed this. :-|

Needless to say, reading my grandfather's journals has been a giant inspiration and help to me. Maybe I'll enter some quotes tonight.

Now it's time for me to call Jubilee Cafe again and plead that they let me back, that the last 'incident' was not my fault. Mrs. Fenster said she'd mull it over and I still haven't heard anything from her, so maybe if I show some initiative it'll prove to her that I'm not the totally worthless spaz she probably thinks I am. Bye for now...

*hugs*

Saturday, November 2, 2002

I keep thinking Manny is going to jump on my lap any second. I keep thinking I see her out of the corner of my eye when I’m walking to the kitchen or to my bedroom. I called Aunt Minnie and her told her what happened. She said she wanted to come to the funeral tomorrow. She said she’ll miss Manny, too. But not as much as I do right now. Chris also called to see how I was doing. He was very reassuring, telling me he knew how much pain I was in and how he would be there for me if I needed someone to talk to. He invited me over to Samantha’s house for dinner. They were making homemade falafel and humus. Chris was so sweet, but I told him I couldn’t go. He also said that Mr. Patches sends his condolences. I just want to be alone right now, though. I’m not even sure if I can handle seeing people tomorrow. I didn’t even want to see Julian today when he dropped by around noon. We just sort of talked for a little bit and he left. When I tried to distract myself by opening up one of Grandfather’s journals, my eyes saw this first:

I miss my wife and the daughter I may never see. I miss my cat, Puck. Sometimes I can almost imagine Puck mousing in the field behind our house, his eyes devilish as he stalks his prey.

I don’t think I have anything else to add today. I’m just not into writing here right now. All I think about is how I let Manny down.

Friday, November 1, 2002

Friday, November 1, 2002

I sincerely apologize for kind of...exploding like I did last night. I was really distressed. I don't even know why I felt like I should make a blog entry at the time? Anyway, THANK YOU for all the support I've received in emails and on my guest book thing. I really, really, really appreciate it. And for anyone not sure for whatever reason, I am real, so totally real it kills me. Yes, this is my life, this is how unlucky I really am. I'm going to keep this entry brief because I just really don't feel like doing much of anything right now. I hardly got any sleep after the busy night of practice and Halloween party. I was just plagued with thoughts about Manny and all my memories of her and how different life will be without her now. There's no way around it, it's just...bad.

I DID go to the party with Julian and I DID go to practice. I didn't want to be embarrassed by being the only one without a costume at the party (I just don't get into costumes very much, I don't know) so I wore the one Minnie sent and ended up being embarrassed anyhow because me and Julian were the only ones there in costumes at all! I don't know which would have been more embarrassing though, people being able to see me cry the whole time in no costume or being able to cry in privacy but being the only one in a costume? Julian was so completely supportive, it was faerie will that he enter my life. He dressed as a phonograph but it was kind of funny because I thought he was supposed to be this crappy flower. Of course mine wasn't so great either and everyone kept asking if I was supposed to be a flying pig and asking why my left arm was stuck to the side of my head. Julian ran interception though and I didn't have to answer most of the questions. It was kind of a bland Halloween party, which was fine with me because I FELT bland after what just happened. Cheryl and Brinn didn't show up at all, without even a single word about cancelling. I would have been pissed but I was too depressed to be very angry, about THAT at least. I talked to her at school today, she apologized a zillion times 'but they got sidetracked' which means they had lots of sex I think. We didn't talk about it much, most of the conversation was about Manny. Just like I knew she would be, Cheryl is an enormous help. She can manage to cheer me up even at the worst times. Gawd, without Julian and Cheryl I'd have probably gone insane or killed myself or something.

I don't even remember practice very much now. Everyone was kind of quiet the whole time and it was a really uninspired run through of our material. Everyone had plans, nobody felt comfortable with me killing the mood. We probably just should have not HAd practice in the first place. But, whatever. Chris must have found God, and her name is Samantha. He was all nice and sympathetic and he convinced me to have a funeral for Manny like he did for Moo Cow. We'll be burying her in the same field on Sunday.

I'm so tired and so bummed out, I can't even describe it. I feel so terrible about Manny's last days, how I treated her so badly, how she was trying to cry out for help and I just was too dumb to hear her mewing, 'I'm in pain. You're not paying attention to me anymore. Do you love me?' I just hope beyond all hopes that she knows or knew that yes, I loved her more than she could imagine. Thinking about the way she went and how badly she was dessicrated, it's just draining on my spirit. Julian has been so great, he came and he got most of her off the road and wrapped her in a towel. It couldn't have been easy for him either. She was so badly damaged that she kind of...stuck...to the road. That fucking crow had really picked her to pieces too. I don't think she suffered though. When the car hit her, she probably died right away. That's the best thing out of all this, and even that's horrible.

I have no clue about these things, and I didn't know what to do with her body until Sunday. So, I've got her in my freezer right now. My cryogenic cat or something. And now when I go to the fridge I get all overwhelmed with emotion and I haven't even eaten since yesterday. Cheryl's coming over and we're going to go out and do something, to get my mind off of my poor, poor cat.

Thanks again to all the support I've received from complete strangers. I say it, but maybe it doesn't mean much, but I really mean it, it's been fantastic.

*hugs*

Thursday, October 31, 2002

OH GOD IT'S HAPPENED!!! My worst fears HAPPENED!!! My cat, my Manny, my cat is dead! I've been crying non-stop for the past half hour. I can't believe this happened. I can't believe it. I won't believe it. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO It just can't be, it can't be, it just cannot be true!!! FUCK! Of course it's true. I saw her laying there. I don't know what to do. What do you do when a pet dies? She's all hurt up badly. I just left her there like that. I don't know. I want Julian or anyone to come because I don't know what to do! Oh fuck oh fuck. I am horrible. I am stupid. I am evil. I killed my cat. I am stupid. I am a shithead. I am so fucking dumb and bad. I should be tortured. Death is too good. Death would be a reward. Shoot me, kill me. I should kill myself. I should kill me horribel evil self. I should just kill myself I am so terrible. I am stupid. I am horrible. I killed my own cat. I killed my own cat! I KILLED my Manny! I fuck. Fuck. I AM a negative sucking force in the universe. I must be pure evil. I'm pure evil. I'm just a piece of shit. I'm such a piece of shit. I don't deserve to live. My own cat! I abandoned her! I abandoned my own cat and she DIED!!! She was hurt and she got loose and she's not an outside cat and I DIDN'T CARE. I just let her be out there because I'm all fucking stupid and high and mighty like I'll 'teach her a lesson' and it got her KILLED. Jesus fuck g-d. I kill and drive everything away. Even my poor cat, I killed her! fuck fuck fuck OK, OK, I've got to settle down. How could I have known? How could I have helped? WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MATTER? She's dead! I've got to do something for her. But what should I do? I'll bring her inside in a towel or something. I just, I don't think I can look at her again. She was just laying there all smashed up in the road, all pitiful and stuff. I don't know if I can look again. She's smashed. My Manny is just smashed like that and all those cars don't even care. And that FUCKING GODDAMN CROW was mercilessly picking at her with a bunch of other fucking hyena birds! Oh gawd. I am going to kill that crow. I don't care if it had nothing to do with her death or if it's a natural thing or ANY of that shit, I'm killing the crow. I'm going to smash its head. It just stands there and looks at me like it's taunting me. Even the fucking birds take pleasure in my misery! I AM going to kill it.

I think I've absolutely finally cried myself dry. I called Julian and he's coming over. Manny deserves to come in from off the street, but I just can't bear to do it. I've started to go a thousand times and I just keep walking in and out of the front door over and over. Julian is so great, he's coming over and he's going to do it for me. I can't believe I'm so weak and dependant that I can't just do this myself, but I just CAN'T. I can't. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I can't let this take me over. I've got to go on because going on is the only way to get over this stuff. When my mom disappeared I DIDN'T go on, I just kind of sank into a pit and it really messed with my life. I know it's stupid to compare Manny's death with my mom's disappearance, but that's how strongly I loved my cat. And I know I've got to keep on living. Julian is coming, he'll be a big support. I'll make myself go to practice and the party, Cheryl will be at the party. We can talk, Cheryl is great, a great friend, she'll be great. I can do this, I just have to keep on keeping on.

I've GOT to go to practice tonight. I can't keep letting people down with all my personal problems! Chris came to practice after Moo Cow died, I've got to prove I'm AT LEAST as strong as a guy that can be so easily bent to alcohol or sex! Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know about the party. I guess I...I don't know. I'm kind of stunned. I can't think straight. I've had Manny for YEARS! I know Manny better than my own fucking Dad who's never even here or my mother who got stolen from me or my brother who could care less about deigning to have a 'relationship' with his own sister, g-d forbid!!! And now that's gone too!

MANNY! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU MANNY, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!! YOU'RE MY LITTLE MANEKI NEKO FOREVER!!!

You didn't deserve ME as your owner. You deserved the best in the world and all I did was get angry when you got loose. I was fucking horrible to you and you were always great to me. I should have paid more attention to what the pet psychic said! I've got to go to the party and practice. What a fucking horrible day this instantly became. It's going to be so lonely here completely on my own from now on. I feel so sleepy. I just want to go lay down and just never ever wake up again. It's like some complex idea I can't understand. My cat...is dead. Just like that. I go outside and see her in the road being torn to bits by that fucking crow, just like that. La la la, everything is great and then, NOT. Julian is here. I'll regret posting this entry, but it's true, it's how I feel. I'm going. I miss you already Manny. I hope you know how much I really loved you. I hope you didn't suffer. Bye.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

Blech. I HATE dealing with office stuff...the big ugly BUREAUCRACY. OK, I know I'm right about the Jubilee Cafe thing because Barda, the lady that does all the scheduling stuff asked if I could possibly move my second shift to Thursdays because of some dumbass politician that could only volunteer on Wednesdays (only to make himself look good, I'm sure). So I said sure. Julian volunteers there everyday, and Joe comes there whenever he feels like coming there so it didn't much matter to me what day I did it on. And now everything's all fucked up because she never changed the schedule and she's covering her ass saying she doesn't ever RECALL the conversation she ABSOLUTELY DID HAVE with me! >:-( Ugh! So of course who's Mrs. Fenster going to believe? A person that actually gets paid to work there or me, a volunteer that's already forgotten to show up once already? I talked to Mrs. Fenster on the phone and she said she had already asked Barda about any possible scheduling mess ups because Mrs. Fenster, unlike Barda the BITCH (GRRRRRR!!!), Mrs. Fenster is a real classy act. I don't know what I'm going to do now. She said she would mull it all over, but that she doesn't normally give thrid chances to people, not even volunteers. 'It's a tight ship, and that's what keeps it running.' And she's right of course. But I DO deserve a third chance this time because it wasn't me that was responsible for the fuck up! )c: If I'm not allowed back I'll have to find a new place to volunteer at and quickly. But that's not the kicker there. The big thing is that I'll miss Joe and Julian and all the other regulars at Jubilee Cafe so much! *deep sigh* It's pretty much out of my hands now though.

The halloween party is right after my practice tonight, so I'll be practicing in my costume, which is a 'Maneki Neko Faerie' getup Aunt Minnie sent me. I like it, but then I know what it's supposed to be. I'm afraid other people are going to think it's a flying pig or something, lol. That's definately NOT the message I want to send to Julian and his friends on our first date-like whatever. =-P I'll survive though. I'm just kind of dreading the cracks I'll get from Patrick and Chris at practice. *gurgle* I wasn't planning on going as anything but since Aunt Minnie sent it I might as well, right? It's more fun to go along than to be a big party pooper anyway. Besides, whenever I show up at a costume party as myself there's always the inevitable nasty jokes like, 'ewww, what are you supposed to be' or, 'whoah! scary!'. LOL They're not really nasty I guess, but you know, I'd rather avoid them all the same. (c; I'm excited to be going on a date with Julian, a date with a REAL man after all the Brandan and Ray nonsense. As a matter of fact, I think I'll just strike Brandan and Ray from the record and start afresh, lol. Anyway, full report later on. It's a dinner thing and there'll be some people from school, besides Cheryl. And probably some people from KU, or not, I don't really know. I DID find out that Julian's friend is a Literature Professor, which wasn't what I expected when he said, 'my friend is having a halloween party', lol. I just pictured someone more...our age, I guess. It doesn't really matter. Anyway, I've got to get ready!

Happy Halloween everyone!

*hugs*

Thursday, October 31, 2002

Wait one goddamn minute! I wasn't supposed to go to Jubilee Cafe until tomorrow! I started feeling all bad about myself when really it was THEIR fuck up in scheduling, not me at all! OK, I did forget, but it was OK I forgot because I didn't really have to remember until tomorrow anyway. I can't believe I didn't remember when Mrs. Fenster chewed me out! Gawd, is she ever going to eat her words! LOL It feels SO good to be right for once. Ha! Ha ha ha! Nah nah nah nah nah! LOL I guess I can't blame her, she's only going by the schedule, but somebody's getting the wrath of Mrs. Fenster and it's not going to be me this time, lol. Am I ever glad I remembered that one or what? *rolls up written apology and throws it away* Screw that.

*hugs*

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

In my bedroom I have this bookcase that goes clear up to the ceiling. It's full of lots of stuff like my mycology guidebooks and books on faeries. Anyway, I was sitting on the floor going through an old photo album looking at pictures of Mom when the bookcase totally started to fall towards me, the bolts holding it to the wall coming unfastened. Good thing it got caught for a second or I would have been totally creamed, crushed underneath it. I'm still shaking thinking about how close I came to dying, which has made me even more upset than I already was since I still can't find Manny. Do you think I should see the pet psychic again? To be honest what upsets me even more than my brush with flatness was that on one of the shelves I had this ceramic faery statue my mom had made and given me on my 6th birthday. It’s completey shattered now and just looking at all the pieces on the carpet makes me want to cry.

To makes things totally worse in a million ways, when I got back from practice tonight there was a message from Mrs. Fenster on the answering machine. Once again dumb Erin forgot about Jubilee Café, missing her two hour shift. Mrs. Fenster was totally harsh, telling me not to bother coming in anymore. She’d had enough of my “gross irresponsibility.” I am such a failure sometimes. I don’t know how I’ve lost track of everything lately. I used to be so responsible. Two years a go Cheryl would even make jokes about me being OCD. I would have anxiety attacks if I thought I was going to be even a minute late. Now I just forget things and sometimes I don’t even remember I forgot. I wish Dad was here so I could talk to him about. I think I’m just going to write a letter of apology to Mrs. Fenster. I don’t want to try to weasel my way back in. I just want her to know I’m truly sorry and that I know I don’t deserve to live for dumb stuff like not showing up for my shift. I think my head needs to be screwed on tighter or something. Or I just might be a terrible person. I did forget the anniversery of Mom’s disappearance after all . . . :-(

Julian called too, leaving a message right after Mrs. Fenster’s. He was trying to warn me that Mrs. Fenster was completely angry about my unannounced absence. I guess Joe was completely frantic too when he didn’t see me there. Every fifteen minutes he would find Julian and ask him if I was okay. He even told Julian he had a bad feeling that One-Eye was responsible, but when Julian asked who One-Eye was, Joe just shook his head and said it could be the little ones too. The little ones are everywhere. He begged Julian to make sure I was carrying the rock he gave me at all times. Poor Julian. Joe can be pretty difficult when he’s having one of his fits and I’m not sure Julian is used to that sort of thing. Then again, Julian did handle Ray really well at the show last Friday. Julian is so sweet. *pauses to sigh, fluttering eyelashes* Most important of all, though, Julian wanted to make sure we were still going to the party tomorrow. I plan on calling him back as soon as I finish writing this entry because the answer is still YES!

I don’t have much to say about practice today. It was sort of boring. We talked about the show mostly and played a couple of songs that Ray and Patrick thought we could have done better. Ray didn’t mention anything that had happened between him and Julian, though he did tell me after practice that he couldn’t go out again with me. His Grandfather had other plans for him. Yeah, that totally weirded me out. What sort of plans can a dead person have but feeding the worms and decomposing or whatever? I think another reason practice was so sedate was because Chris is like a totally different person. He’s very contemplative and polite, almost as if he cares about how what he says and does affects other people. It’s kind of unnerving because he expect him at any second to start screaming about something atrocious like some story about a prostitute he knew or some time he really got drunk and hurt himself. We’re going to practice again tomorrow and then we won’t practice after that until next Monday. I guess I have all the time in the world now that I won’t be going to Jubilee Café anymore. I am so horrible.

You won’t believe this, but I haven’t opened the package yet Aunt Minnie sent. I think it’s for me to quit writing in my blog, call Julian and then tear into my package. Maybe I’ll even have time to finish my homework. LOL. *Hugs*

ps MANNY, WHERE ARE YOU? QUIT WORRYING ME!

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

FUCK! When I got home from school today I had to carry a package inside and Manny got out!!! *pulling hair out* This is the worst possible timing! I have got to go to practice. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. She gets loose sometimes, but never when she was so injured. What if she gets into a fight with another cat? What if a stranger comes up to her and lures her away? Gawd, this is horrible! I've been looking for her ever since I got home, but as usual I can't find her. I'm going to bring Patrick back with me when I get done, I'll DRAG him if I have to, though I bet he won't mind helping. Manny seems to like him for whatever reason and if it worked before it's worth a try now to get her back. *seriously stressing out* )c: I hope she'll be OK. I guess it's not really all my fault, it would have been impossible to get that box inside without leaving the door open enough that she could get out. If anything it's Aunt Minnie's fault for sending me such a big box. Ugh. No, no it isn't. It's nobody's fault. OK, I just need to calm the hell down. Manny will be OK, she always is when this happens. Actually, you know what? Fuck her. Fuck her for doing this to me all the time when all I ever do is give her love back. It's horrible to say, but if she's going to be like this...fuck her. She'll come back when she gets lonely or starts to starve. She needs to learn a lesson, and I'm going to teach it to her. She absolutely rules my life, which is utterly ridiculous! This isn't going to happen. Not anymore. >:-(

*not worrying about Manny* So I got the scoop on Brad from Cheryl today, whose name isn't Brad at all, but "Brinn" (I think that's how you spell it). I hate to say it, but Cheryl would probably date a corpse as long as it was...you know...male. LOL She's just desperate, which I can totally understand. But I told her she needs to take it easy, because this stuff always ends stupidly and badly, I know from personal experience. But she's all goo-goo over Brinn (what a wierd name!). I guess they met at a lecture Cheryl was attending at KU. OK, I'm a geek I guess, but Cheryl actually attends lectures for the fun of it, which makes her the totally bigger geek, lol. Not that it matters. She's not all socially stunted like most geeks or all snobby and 'holier than thou' and that kind of stuff. But anyway, it was a lecture from some guest speaker on extraordinary cases of murder amongst siblings, which could have been interesting. The Carr case has been on the national news lately, so you might know about it. In case you don't, it's where these two brothers from Witchita kidnapped and tortured/raped four people before killing them. Really nasty stuff. They shot the people, but one woman escaped, naked, and with a gunshot to her head. HORRIBLE evil stuff. So, now they're on trial, and luckily they'll almost definately get convicted because there's all this DNA evidence and stuff like that. Well, so the lecture was about the phenomenon of these kind of things, where brothers (mostly) team up to do some incredibly horrible stuff, why they do it, patterns and so on. They might even get the death penalty for it which is really something because nobody's gotten the death penalty here for like a really long time. Cheryl and I discussed it at lunch, about how we feel about even these horrible people getting the death penalty. Cheryl is all for it, she thinks more people should get the death penalty, even people in stuff like drug cases and really innocent crimes like that, which really made me draw back in surprise because I've never known her to be a strict law type person or anything. I, on the other hand, think nobody should get the death penalty ever. Europe is always so ahead of us when it comes to, well, just about everything. Killing people is NOT something an enlightened society would ever do! It doesn't matter how much proof you have either, it's not up ot us to decide who will live or die. What's so wrong with locking them up in a cage forever? Why do we have to KILL them? There's just no point to it! Cheryl totally disagrees. She says we all sign a contract to live a certain way when we are born, meaning if we're going to live in society we have to follow its rules, and that if you break the rules you have no right to live in that society anymore and that one of the rules is 'dont kill people'. Aha! But then won't the people killing the killers be killers themselves and thus have to be killed too under that way of thinking? AND, if we agree to live in society by these rules and someone breaks the rules, aren't there other ways of seperating them from the benefits of the society? Like, for instance, putting them in prison, or sending them to some special country above Canada that has no rules of society where they can live like they want (which probably means they'd all die really quick anyway)? I mean, if they stop agreeing to live in society and they express it and we lock them up for it isn't even that breaking our own rules? I mean, if we're going to follow the idea behind our own laws shouldn't we make them go away instead of punishing them since they are seen as no longer being part of society? LOL Gawd, I just rambled all over the place with my stupid *deep thoughts*. (c: Still, think about it sometime. Am I wrong?

Before I got WAY off topic I was going to talk about Brinn. Soooo, back to that... Like I said, she met him at a lecture. I asked if she forgot about Brett and she just got this evil smile and said she could 'want to play' with more than one person at a time! LOL GROSS! Why did she ever get atracted to Brett? Anyway, so basically Brinn is just a boy-toy I guess. More power to her, I say, as long as she stays 'safe' in every way. ;-) Brinn is a student at KU, he's studying law. Cheryl said he's really hot, but she tends to exagerrate things sometimes and I bet she did here because from her description he's a real stud! That's no offense to Cheryl, like I said she's not a stunted geek and she's not ugly by any stretch of the imagination, but a supermodel type stud could probably do better than the likes of her (and me for that matter). Apparently, he looks alot like that actor Owen Wilson, who was in Royal Tenenbaums and Minus Man. If Brinn really looks like Owen Wilson I'll eat one of my maneki nekos! LOL I'll get to find out tomorrow when she brings him to the halloween party. Well, that is if he doesn't cover up in some big costume or whatever.

Ugh. I've wasted so much time hunting for Manny (still not fretting!) it's almost itme for practice and I haven't even eaten. Laters all...

*hugs*

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I should do. I wish Dad was home. I swear I've tried calling him a million times. HE HAS TO PICK UP! I was watching the Gargoyles Halloween Marathon on Toon Disney when I was interrupted by someone knocking on the door. I peaked through the peephole and saw this balding guy in this business suit holding out this FBI badge. When I asked who it was, he said it was William Tanner-Simpson. Uggghhhhhh! I don’t know what I was think. I let him inside. He then introduced himself again and showed me his badge too so I could have a closer look. He said he’d been trying to contact my father, but since he couldn’t get a hold of him, he’d like to ask me a few questions. He said in his spare time he liked to reinvestigate unsolved cases and he’d taken an interest in my mom’s disappearance years a go.

As soon as he mentioned mom, I almost burst out in tears. I realized that I had completely not thought of her on the anniversery of her disappearance, which was August 30. In fact, a few minutes a go I even checked my blog to see what I written. I saw that I had remembered the week before but on the actual date, maybe the worst ever in my entire life, I was completely oblivious, prattling about all the stupid stuff I usually do. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I’m so thoughtless sometimes that I’m sure I should have been the one to vanish and not mom. Mom cared about everyone. All I ever care about is myself. God, I hate me. I don’t deserve to live.

Mr. Tanner-Simpson asked me a ton of questions. I felt like I was suffocating. I couldn’t even really understand why he wanted to know about some of the things he was asking about. I have to admit I don’t remember a lot from around then. I feel like I just sort of fell into a coma or blacked out because I was so upset. He sure asked a lot of questions about Dad, too, which doesn’t make sense at all. Dad tried so hard to find her. I do remember he even hired a private investigator for awhile after the police gave up on finding Mom. I almost felt like Mr. Tanner-Simpson was trying to insinuate that Dad made Mom disappear, which really me mad. After he got done questioning me he asked for Brett’s phone number and address. He wanted to ask him some questions too. God! I don’t why I just gave it to him. It’s so obvious he was just trying to blame Dad. I wish I wasn’t such a complete MORON under stress! Not that it matters, I guess. It’s not like Brett would be any help. He’d probably just complain about me and the Uldras to Mr. Tanner-Simpson. It’s not like I really remember him being that upset about Mom disappearing.

Since Mr. Tanner-Simpson left, I’ve been frantic. I even tried calling Aunt Minnie, but I hung up when Brandan answered the phone. Just what I needed. Maybe I should call Brett. I don’t know, though. Matthew seemed to think I should stay away from him. I tried call Cheryl, too, but she hasn’t returned from her date with “Brad.” I feel so absolutely alone right now. I miss Dad and I miss Mom most of all. I should go find Manny. I need a hug. :-(

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Matthew called. After the show on Friday they had to take Brett to the emergency room. I guess his wrist got broken by those monsters and he also had a concussion. He’s home now, but he hasn’t been to work for days. Matthew thought I should know being his only family in Lawrence and Dad being away. I almost started crying, though, when Matthew told me not try to see or call Brett until he gave me the greenlight. I guess Brett is a raging lunatic right now, obsessed with “the injustice of playing second fiddle to a crap band like the Uldras.” That part in quotes is what Matthew said Brett said, not what Matthew thinks, which he stressed to me repeatedly. Matthew actually thinks we are pretty good. In his opinion, the Gluons are less popular because they aren’t very accessible like the Uldras are. He told me if I wanted to I should come and see him at Alley Cat. Besides, Cletus wanted to know why I hadn’t returned the records yet. I was more than happy to visit. First I called Cheryl to see if she wanted to come a long, but she wasn’t home. Her mom told me she was out visit somebody named Brad. She wasn’t sure if she had the name right. I thought that was kind of strange. Cheryl hadn’t told me she was seeing anyone. For the entire school year so far she’s been beyond single, all talk and no action. Well, I guess not all talk since did admit to crushing on Brett, but I think she’s over that because she hasn’t mentioned it since our sleepover at my house when Manny was freaking out. Besides, Cheryl has the right idea. I wish I hadn’t gone out with anyone this year, though I’m pretty excited about the Halloween party with Julian. I have to remember to invite Cheryl and “Brad” tomorrow. That should be easy since I plan on grilling her tomorrow about her “secret boyfriend.”

Alley Cat was fun. Matthew made me laugh and feel a lot better about Brett. He convinced me that in no time at all Brett would be back to his usually snippy self as opposed to his present raging asshole self. Also, Cletus “forced” me to borrow two more records when I returned the last ones. This time he lent me something by a band called Throbbing Gristle (what a dumb name!) and a CD by Devo, who I’ve heard of but never had a chance to listen to at all. I even bought a couple of things for myself. I got a CD by Erase Errata and a CD by Zeek Sheck on Matthew’s recommendation. They should be good because Matthew would never steer me wrong. On my way out I bumped into Patrick, who was coming in. Patrick said we have practice tomorrow. He was glad he ran into me because it saved him the hassle of calling me later. We talked a little about Ray flipping out on Saturday and then I was on my way back home. Well, almost since I stopped at Starbucks and had a cappuchino. I’m so glad I can go back there again now that Brandan is gone. Now if only he was really gone and not seeing my aunt. *Sigh and gnashing teeth* After I was done I ran into Joe outside. For once I noticed him first because he was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring up at the sky. I think I might have startled him when I asked him what he was looking at. Once he saw it was me, he calmed down a little and asked me if I had been keeping the rock he gave me close by. I lied and told him yes since really I had left it on my dresser drawers for the two weeks since the Uldras’ won the Battle of the Bands. I made a mental note to start carrying it again. Joe also told me to be careful about any strangers I met and then sort of lost focus and wandered away mumbling to himself.

I don’t think I want to talk anymore about my phone conversation with Aunt Minnie. I don’t want to upset myself. I feel pretty good right now and thinking about that will be inviting a black cloud to float over my head and rain on me. Besides, my plan for the rest of the night is to watch TV and fall alseep on the couch with Manny! *Gives a Grizzy Hug and a Wink*

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

*gurgles* Now I have TWO papers to write just from my English class. On top of the Clockwork Orange thing, Mr. Callahan assigned a seperate paper as a kind of punishment for our 'in-depth laziness and devotion to avoiding thought'. Fuck him! He's such an ass! >:-( The worst possible teacher you can imagine, making fun of his students. Um...before I explode...

This paper has to be about our personal histories, like a biography, and is due by Thursday. Blech. It WAS kind of interesting to hear a little about Mr. Callahan though. For instance, this is the first time I heard his first name--Fergus. He said he spent his youth in Ireland, and moved to the States in 1980 or sometime around there I think. Before he was ever a teacher he had a whole career as a folklorist (is that a word?), but he 'fell on hard times' (which isn't surprising considering his nasty personality). He said where he was from in Ireland, but I can't remember. He made a completely stupid crack about collecting souls that wasn't funny at all. I guess he was a disc jockey briefly in the 70s which, if you met this man, you WOULD NOT be able to believe. LOL But he wasn't joking! I can't even imagine.... He says his passions are 'of the realms hidden', which could be cool, since that's my passion too, but I bet he meant it in a different way. He didn't go into too much detail really, just showing us how he wanted us to write our papers.

I don't know, it's conceivable he's just trying to get to know us all better and not being a hardass and stuff. :-

Joe really told me a sobering story yesterday outside Jubilee Cafe, after my shift. (Which went way better than I was worrying it would what with Mrs. Fenster and me being so stupidly not there that one day. *breathes easily*) Joe was amazingly lucid yesterday and it was great to get to talk to him where I could understand him for once. I don't know if he's on medication now or what, but there was a REALLY big difference. We talked about faeries mostly, lol. Of course. I don't know how our conversation got onto that, it just kind of drifted to it. Anyway, he was telling me about Mark David Chapman (in case you don't know the name, I know I sure didn't LOL, he is the guy that shot John Lennon). I guess I HAVE heard of him, but I just didn't remember the name or whatever. Anyway, Joe said Chapman believed there were little folk urging him to kill Lennon, but I'm not sure why. The point was that there CAN BE such a thing as evil or nasty faeries, that not all the bad faeries are just members of certain races, like pookahs. OK, I guess I might be naive in thinking all faeries are just by nature pure and good. I'm sure that even if such bad ones do screw around with human minds and lives there aren't a huge amount, like there are a huge amount of bad humans. I mean, they're probably a tiny little minority of the vast and pure faerie population, right? LOL Assuming faeries are real, that is. I definately resepct Joe's perspective. I suspect alot of his 'craziness' is just seeing things clearly or more clearly than regular people. So if what Joe says is true I need to start approaching this faerie thing more carefully because I have no way of telling what faeries are good and bad. Gawd, it's not like I've even seen them for absolutely certain, just a bunch of strange after effects and coincidences mostly, although there have been a couple of times where I think I glimpsed them. *scratches head and grunts* I have no clue really. LOL

I talked to Hermit Remner on the phone earlier. He's still with his latest religion, which must be a record for him the way he switches between things so much. There's a word for those kind of 'samplers' but I can't remember it. I wish I did because it'd make me look smarter than I am! LOL Anyway, so now he's acting like he's some kind of prophet of cynicism or something, saying these stupid philosophical things like 'your hobbies are distractions from living'. Blah blah blah. OK pal, I read up on the Cynics in the School Library today at lunch and basically they're just hippies advocating a return to some kind of simple life with nature, as if that's necessarily a good thing. Gawd, WHAT HAVE I DONE? LOL I probably should have let Remner die while he was a Breatharian! I tried to tell him it seemed like it was just hippy shit again and he got all angry with me saying he wasn't a hippy. He was very emphatic, just ask my ringing ears. *eep?* NO! GRRRRR!!! I've got good reading comprehension dickhead! No matter how loud you yell your hippy shit it isn't going to make it something different. Still, I wasn't trying to piss the nutcase off, it's too easy like poking monkeys in a cage or something. LOL Gawd, I am evil and stuff.

Manny Update: My dear, poor kitty is still really feeble, but she's getting better. I think it might be the medicine more than anything else, maybe. Which I've been cutting down like the instruction say. She walks around some, eats and drinks and all that normal stuff, but she's definately not zooming around like she used to be, probably both because the mice are gone and because she just doesn't have the energy in her little cat heart. *piles of smiles* I halfway feel bad leaving her alone during the day AND during pracices in the evening. I wonder how many lives she used up in fighting the mice?

I talked to Minnie on the phone. She knows who Brandan is now, and she knows I know she's dating him. Ugh. )c: It was a really odd conversation, to say the least. I still don't know exactly how I feel about it all. It's...bizarre and kind of creepy, not to mention all the nasty things I found out she said about me. I didn't bring THAT up, but it was a tense talk anyway. I'll go into it more later tonight, but one nice thing came from it--Minnie said she's sending me some of her faerie drawings, which is totally exciting. Maybe I'll even be able to post one here, if I can get hold of a scanner. I KNOW what Minnie's doing though, just trying to buy off my approval so things are OK, but how could they really be anything approaching 'normal' ever again? I'll answer it for you, they can't. )c: Maybe Brett was right about her after all, though I'd have a hard time believing Brett could ever be right about anything. *forces a feeble lol* Actually, it makes me cry, alot. I'm trying to avoid thinking about it all.

*deep sigh* How angry Brett is at me right now makes me really not feel like going to Alley Cat Records in case I run into him. But then that's all offest by Cletus, who I'd like to see, besides I should really return these albums he let me borrow like, forever ago. Ugh. I'm what they call 'conflicted'. LOL Not like I'm a certifiable psychotrist or anything. I tried calling Brett three times but it didn't do any good because he must have caller id because he never picked up. Blech. I'm tired of all this petty sibling shit. I wish he'd just move away again, even if it's just for a little while like 80 years or whatever, lol. ;-)

*hugs*

Monday, October 28, 2002

I guess I should write about the show Friday before I even get into what happened at Jubilee Cafe today. Otherwise, I'll just end up saying twice a lot of stuff so everything makes sense. I may not know when to shut up, but I definitely don't like to repeat myself.

I guess before I start in, though, I should mention that I just talked to Cheryl on the phone and I mentioned how I thought the new guy in my AP English, James, was sort of a cute in a clueless smarty pants arty way. I was so embarrassed when she started laughing after I said that, but I'm so glad Cheryl gave me the scoop on him. God knows if she hadn't said anything, I would have wound up going out with him and then wanting to chew my leg off to escape like with Brandan and Ray. According to Cheryl, James Chameau has been institutionalized for the last year after having some sort of psycho breakdown. Cheryl found out from James' twin sister, Jamie, who's in a lot of the same science/math/egghead classes as her. I guess Jamie and James are like fraternal twins or something, which means they aren't identical or something like that. Anyway, in his last school James started to hear like all of these voices that started to command him to do really weird stuff. He would go around the school pretending to be blind and trying to touch people's arms and legs, completely violating their space and causing a lot of trouble. I guess, according to Jamie via Cheryl, James is on a lot of heavy duty medication now, though he doesn't like to take it. Sometimes his Dad has to hold him down while his mom puts his pills in his mouth and then forces them down by stroking his throat sort of the way you do with dogs and cats when you want them to swallow something they don't want to. I'm glad Cheryl warned me, but in way I wish I didn't know what a complete schizoid maniac he is. Now he's just going to creep me out every time I have to sit next to him in AP English. I mean, I think it's cool and all that's he's well enough to attend school again, but you just got to wonder about people like that. Who knows when they are going to crack again, especially if their parents have to force them take their prescriptions! I'm around enough weirdos as it is. I don't need to add another to my collection of people I wish I had never met. I think knowing mentally deranged folk like Gwynn, Ray, Chris and Remner are more than enough for me, thank you very much. LOL.

I wish I hadn't waited so long to talk about the show. I'm sure I've completely warped it in my memory now, remembering only what I want to. Even though the Uldras were loved by the audience, the evening was sort of like surviving a car wreck, me flying through the windshield and landing in a ditch head first. Believe it or not, we were the headliners for the show, Brett and Matthew's band, the Gluons, opening up for us. The first band was some sort of polka/electronica thing that was totally cheesy and beyond the most boring thing you could ever hear. They were called Alpine Heidi and were just two guys, who I guess were friends of Ray since the three of them talked a lot before Alpine Heidi went on. Ray even helped them set up, resoldering some wires and assisting them with the sound check. Ray was totally into them, screaming his approval between the three completely long and tedious instrumentals they played. I don't see how anyone could ever get excited about stuff like that. It's like listening to the washing machine while the radio is on. BORING!

You want to know what was probably the only really positive thing about the show? Chris was completely sober. I guess his new girlfriend, Samantha, has had a really positive affect on him. He even showed up on time, a half hour before the show started. Also, it's so great that Samantha drives him around everywhere now. It's a complete relief to not have to take him to practice anymore, though I guess now it wouldn't be so bad. He seems to have really calmed down a lot. He doesn't even tell as many gross stories. I guess that might be because everytime he almost starts one, Samantha gives him this look that instantly makes him say something else. I hate to say it, but I'm completely shocked at how "domestic" Chris has become lately. All he ever talks about is cooking and home improvement. I guess Samantha owns a house and helps her work on it all the time. At the show they were even talking about the best way to put a "faux finish" on the walls of some room. I guess Chris' change might even register as a miracle. Who would have ever seen it coming or even thought it could happen? I suppose meeting Samantha and Moo Cow has really transformed him for the better. Way to go Chris! :^) Still, it was kind of boring so I didn't hang out with them before the Uldras played.

I guess I should get into the bad parts of the night now, since that's like 99.999999% of it. Brett seemed completely pissed off at me because the Gluons were opening up for us. He even told me that he thought it was bullshit that his band should play before ours. I don't know what would have happened if Matthew hadn't intervened, dragging Brett off to calm him down. I don't know why he has to be such a baby. It's not like I even have a clue why people like the Uldras better. I was totally as surprised as Brett that we beat the Gluons at the Battle of the Bands. Thank god, Brett didn't try to talk to me again before his band went on the stage!

Duh! One more cool thing happened at the show, though I guess it kind of got messed up by the end. Julian remembered me telling him we were playing and he show up to see me us. I really don't think I would have survived if he hadn't been there. Talking to him most of the evening completely made me feel relaxed. He was so funny. I love the way he tried to tease me about being a big star and not forgetting the little people like him.

I was completely lost in chatting with him in a corner of the club that I didn't even notice when Ray showed up. He was totally in his mad mode and I was shocked when he told Julian "to get the hell away" from me. Julian took it well, telling Ray to calm down. I don't think I had realized until then that they even knew each other. Then Ray turned towards me, his eyes all buggy and his face all red and sweaty. While Julian and I were talking, we had completely ignored the Gluons while they played, so we were both surprised when Ray started to rant about how Brett had tried to humiliate the Uldras by making fun of us on stage. Between every song, Brett would grab the mic from Matthew and start tearing into us. At first Matthew tried to get the mic away from him, but eventually he just gave up. To my surprise, the Gluons hadn't even finished their set because some big guys in the audience had gotten mad about Brett's comments about the Uldras, pulling him down off the stage and beating him up until the bouncer showed up to break it up. I feel like a complete moron being so oblivious to everything but Julian.

I was about to go find Matthew to make sure Brett was OK, when I stopped in my tracks. Ray was completely focused on Julian, screaming in his face. I don't know how Julian retstrained himself from punching Ray in the face. I know it would have been hard for, especially with all the nasty stuff Ray was saying to Julian. From what I heard, I guess Julian and Ray used to be best friends until Julian started to go out with this girl that Ray had a crush on but was too afraid to ever talk to. I guess Ray kept his crush so secret in his robot way, that Julian hadn't even known that they were both into the same girl. Now Ray was totally accusing Julian of stealing me from him, which is ridiculous since Ray and I aren't even an item and never ever will be. Besides, I'm not property! I'm amazed, though, that Julian didn't seem to get upset at all. If anything, he was trying to be reassuring to Ray, but everytime he tried to say something to get Ray to back off, Ray just got angrier and angrier. If I remember anything Ray said well, it was when he said to Julian, "Grandfather told me this would happen last night. He told me I would disgrace the family again and let you take her!" I think that's when he swung at Julian, hitting him in the nose. Blood squirted out everywhere. Once Julian had been hurt, though, he completely protected himself. He completely subdued Ray using some sort of martial art and then held him down until Ray got quiet and started to sob. Today Julian told me it was aikido, which he's been studying for like five years. I tried to comfort Ray, but in a sort of friend way so he wouldn't get the wrong idea. I was so sure we weren't going to be able to play because he was such a mess and I guess he'd sprained his wrist when he hit Julian. Somehow he pulled himself together and set up his equipment. His face was totally expressionlessly. You wouldn't have even been able to tell he'd just tried to kill Julian. Thank god, Julian was such a good sport about it all. He still likes Ray but he also realizes what a total basket case he is, especially now after I told him about Ray's talking to his dead grandfather.

When the Uldras were ready to play, I was bit a shakey after Ray's outburst. I wasn't up to singing at all. Really I just wanted to go home. When I thought we were all ready to start, Patrick put down his guitar and took the mic from me to say a few words before we got into our set list. I didn't think much of it since Patrick can be such a ham, but if I had realized what he was going to do I would have stopped him as soon as I could. Patrick can be such a bastard. He completely went into a stand up comic trance, totally making fun of Brett and the Gluons. I was so embarrassed when started to lead the audience into chanting "FUCK THE GLUONS, WE WANT THE ULDRAS!" over and over again. I was amazed at how into it the audience were, but I wanted it to stop. Brett was already upset enough, and I was worried about him being hurt by whomever those assholes were who had beat him up. Thank god, the set blew by faster than I thought it would since I was beyond uncomfortable by then. It was kind of scary too how much the audience were into us. I guess we've built a good reputation since the last time we played. They even wanted us to do an encore, which sort of scared me since we had played everything in our set. We'd pretty much decided we couldn't do it, when Ray rushed out on stage and grabbed Patrick's guitar, playing one of his Grandfather songs. The audience looked completely confused when he started to sing stuff about his wires being crossed and short circuiting. At least he only did one, because I don't think the audience could have handled two. I know they couldn't have because they definitely didn't want another encore, leaving as soon as Ray finished.

After we had packed everything up and shoved it in the back of Ray's parent's car and him and Patrick drove off, Julian and I stood outside of Mongo's for a while talking. Don't tell anyone, but I think he's the sweetest, most dreamiest boy ever. He said he thought we had done a great job, especially considering everything going on. I was so close to giving him a kiss when Brett started yelling at me from across the street where the Gluons' van was parked. Matthew tried to quiet him down, but Brett kept shoving him away. I can't believe he called me a "bitch" in public. I mean, I understand he was upset. I'd be upset too if I had a black eye and a broken tooth after being brutally attacked. That's no reason to call me such an awful name, though. I never did anything to hurt him! He may annoy me half the time, but he's my brother and I love him. Too bad it isn't the same way for him. I was so sad while Brett shouted horrible things. Julian had had about enough of his big mouth and was about to go over there until Matthew finally pulled Brett into the van and they left. Damn Brett! I never got my kiss. Julian had to go home because he had to get up early on Saturday to go to some record show to hunt for 78's.

Driving home in my bug, all I could think about was seeing Julian again at Jubilee Cafe. Let's just say I wasn't fully concentrating, otherwise I wouldn't have swerved around on the road when a crow swooped past my window, totally scaring me. I'm so lucky I didn't hurt my car when I drove up on the curb try to stop. I'm little mad that a branch from a rose bush scratched the passenger door, but overall I realize that I got off pretty easy. I hope the next time the Uldras play it goes a lot better than Saturday night. LOL.

That's more than enough for now. I need to get back to my paper for AP English. I think Tim Maples may have saved me with his e-mail, giving me some ideas to work with on it. I owe him my life! Hopefully, tomorrow I can talk about what happened at Jubilee Cafe because I especially want to share what Joe told me about that creep who killed John Lennon. I think I might just keep what happened between me and Julian to myself. No kiss and tell this time, but Julian is taking me out on Halloween to a party one of his friends is having. I can't wait! He even told me I should tell Cheryl to come. If she wanted, she could bring a "friend" too. *A liberal peppering of Hug*

Monday, October 28, 2002

I promise to get to the show tonight, honest! LOL Not that you should believe me or anything. I get so discombobulated sometimes, and if it isn't right in front of my face I'll forget to do it when it's time has come to do it and maybe even passed by if that's what happens like it happens so often, you know?

I'm looking forward to working at Jubilee Cafe today, and believe me you, I will not forget again. If you're secretly watching Mrs. Fenster, you can count on those words. I will not forget again after the mess I made and how much I let everyone down like I did. )c: But I'm looking forward to today, because I really want to talk to Julian about what happened at the show Friday (you'll have to wait until my 'show entry' to get the scoop on that one, lol, see? I can make my life just like a soap opera too if I just put off talking about certain things). I'll just say that Julian and Ray apparently know each other from when they were younger. *grimace, but not all purple like the McDonalds Grimace* lol And I guess their friendship did NOT, I repeat NOT end favorably AT ALL. I hope it wasn't anything too serious. But, you know, they're boys so it could have been anything, even the stupidest shit you could imagine. I'm not prejudiced or anything, but I'm beginning to wonder if boys are less evolved than us grrls? *blushes* Sure, we need them, but do we need them? Boys are kind of pointless in this wonderful era of technology aren't they? 'OK, you've built stuff for us, tamed some land, had bunches of nasty wars, that's all you can go home now, thanks we won't be needing your services.' LOL I don't know, I'm all for keeping at least SOME boys around, like Julian for instance and Matthew and maybe some of the cuter ones like that James from my English class (have I ever said it here? Gawd is he ever cute!).

*sigh* I didn't realize A Clockwork Orange was going to be written in Pig Latin or British English or whatever the hell nonsense it's written in! How am I supposed to know what's going on in this book? I feel like I'm doomed with this one. OK Mr. Callahan, you win. I mean, 'Aristotle wishy washy works outing cyclamen get forficulate smartish.' Um...huh? Here I feel it's most appropriate to start my CAMPAIGN OF PLEADING SPAM, lol. Please please please please please please if you know anything about this book and are willing to help a girl write a smallish paper of about three pages on it PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!! You can send me email at maneki_neko@kswildcat.com. I would SO be in your debts that it's just insanely crazy. Because this book is insanely crazy and I've got to try to decode it somehow. Eek! )c:

My hugest appreciation goes out to Tim Maple for making some good suggestions and helping me along with my 'Clockwork' troubles. THANK YOU TIM MAPLE!!! wherever and whoever you are. (c:s

I should probably mention for any of you interested in my apparently ex-friend Gwynn that she's going haywire again. I think she knocked something loose in that head of hers or something because she's just been so completely out of character of herself for so long now and it's not like one of those early teen goth like pessimist phases or anything because she's 17 and she's always hated how the goths dress. I mean, getting pregnant from who she got pregnant from and having an abortion would put a serious strain on anyone, but it all started before that mess. Anyway, she's been suspended because her grades suck and because she was caught spraypainting some of the walls in the school with...none other than North and friends. She's just totally spiralling out of control and it all makes no sense. I actually wish her parents would commit her long term so she can get the help she OBVIOUSLY didn't get when she was treated for depression before. Besides, that's not just depression. I don't know, I don't want to give up on her but at this point what can I possibly do? *cries*

OK, I should head off now. Sorry to leave you on such a depressing note like this.

*takes a hit on the hug drugs*

P.S. Remner is a crazy goat, pass it on. LOL

Monday, October 28, 2002

I found this really awesome poem by my grandfather in one of his journals a couple days ago and I just haven't been able to get it out of my head ever since. I'm definately going to make it into a song, it's so cool. Hopefully by tomorrow inspiration will hit me in the head and I'l have it translated to lyrics by then. (c: *fingers crossed* Anyway, here's the poem...

The May Apple Princess

The faerie with her wand of gold
Has led the fair princess beneath
The heavy, multilayered folds
Of tree branches, a stifling wreath.
On soft moss her bare feet tread,
The pale princess's opal toes,
When at a word the faerie said,
Her soft moss like cuffs close.

Her sequins melt in little strings
And dew-drops trickle down her dress,
While at her feet wild mushrooms press,
And bow their bald heads in a ring.
Rabbits, emerging from the Earth,
And slugs, red flags on a hearth
Of mud and slime, raise demon heads,
Prick up satanic faces and bare
Them at the stepmother to share
Her glow of triumph as it spreads.

The princess planted by her feet
Is like a tree where pulses beat,
With boiling sap that pounds within
And keeps the princess stiffening.
And never will the storm blasts
Of fear lessen, but shrieking fly
Across her chilly brow and cast
Her hair up straight unto the sky.

OK, you're going to think I'm completely insane. Um...completely insaner than you already do, lol. But I took Manny to a pet psychic to find out what's going on with her. Well, the pet psychic came to me. To Manny, whatever, lol. I don't believe in that kind of thing, don't get me wrong, but I figure pet psychics really CAN communicate better with pets, even if it's not a psychic thing. Ugh. This lady was wacko. She spent half an hour watching TV with Manny and I wasn't allowed in the room at all. Then she was ready for her 'reading' which mostly consisted of overly general shit like, 'Manny misses you while you are away' and 'you need to love her, but give her her space'. COME ON!!! Maybe I should bilk people of their money by being a 'psychic'. LOL But then she got more specific, saying things like, 'no matter what happens Manny will always love you, no matter where you or she are, no matter the distance in space or time'. And she told me Manny was afraid of being attacked again and afraid I would get attacked by what the psychic called 'the small horde', which makes me think it really was mice after all. I guess all in all I can't really tell if the psychic gave me anything new or worthwhile. )c: She said everything Manny has been doing has had to do with the group of mice, so that just means I have to be sure all the mice are gone and maybe Manny will go back to normal. I did breathe a big *sigh of relief* to hear Manny wasn't going nuts or have a tumor or something! All the 'love you from anywhere' stuff had me worried, but I just wonder if the psychic threw it in for extra effect or because she thinks Manny is getting old. =-| <---*ambivalent about the whole thing, but kind of worried about Manny until the wicked mice are gone for sure*

Remner called me today. He was just thanking me for 'showing him the way' by making him abandon the Breatharian thing. OK, OK, thanks and that all makes sense and is tolerable. But now he wanted me to call him Hermit the Dog because of some philosopher he's been reading like Dogenees or Dojeneez (dodgy knees? lol). Which is completely absurd. OK, it's apparent he moves from one crackpot religion or cult or whatever immediately to another. And it doesn't seem to matter what they are about or anything. *sigh* It's kind of scary really. That a guy could be brainwashed by some dead philosopher is just stupid. Ugh. The more I can avoid Kermit, er, Hermit the better. LOL If this was the 60s he'd be following Marilyn Manson straight to prison, lol. *stops smiling* That's actually a very sobering thought.

As you can see, I did another archive. *whew* That was too fast since my last one! Gawd, I write way too much into this thing I guess. It's so addictive though. Anyway...bed...

*hugs* to everyone. ;-)