Sunday, October 27, 2002

I'm sorry I haven't written anything since Friday. I promise tonight I'll give the full scoop on the show at Mongo's. Yesterday, though, was like being run over by a steamroller, me all flat and waiting for someone to peel me off the asphalt. The show was like throwing the biggest rock ever into a lake, the ripples still bouncing me around, even today, my poor soul, feelings and head bruised beyond belief. Yesterday I was the most hermity hermit ever. I didn't go outside once. I wish I had because it seemed like I got one unnerving phone call after another all day long.

First, Aunt Minnie called to check up on me, which was fine until she shot me in the head point blank with the news that she was "seeing" her new employee Brandan. She told me that had been out on a several spectacular dates, "their connection electric". He was the most special man she had ever been with, and he felt the same way. Then Aunt Minnie went off on how Brandan had previously gone out with this evil girl that had treated him like dirt. I so bit my tongue. I so imagined Brandan's head rolling down the street, little kids kicking it around like a soccer ball. Do I even have to mention how relieved I was to have the phone call end? *Sigh of relief*

Second, Dad called and, boy, was he acting all weird. He told me that if anyone called for him I should hang up the phone immediately. When I tried to ask him why, he tried to change the subject to how I was doing and if my new car was still running well. I swear our phone conversation only lasted like five minutes before Dad had to hang up. I'm worry about him so much sometimes. The Import business is so high pressure. I wish he could just come home for a while and rest. He looked so grey last time he was here. :-(

Well, I guess that's all I really can talk about right now before I talk about the show later on tonight. I need to get back to my homework. Don't worry, though. I'll be back! Probably more than once before I get to the show, if I know me. LOL. *Hugs*

Friday, October 25, 2002

After I got back from preshow practice, I found Manny hiding in one of the kitchen cabinets, all curled up in one of the pots. She had a gash on her forehead. I don't know why she would have gone in there. I figure she must have got the cut from one of the pans or something. I am so worried about her these days. She already totally weak from her injuries that the vet patched up. I don't think she can take this kind of stress. God, almost think I should take her to one of those pet psychics like the one on that Animal Planet channel. I wish I knew what was going on inside of Manny's head! Alright, I have to run now. Off to Mongo's! :-)

Friday, October 25, 2002

WHERE'S MANNY?!?

Friday, October 25, 2002

OOPS! I forgot to mention how Remner got all sick from eating the pizza. He seemed fine at the house, but he called and said he puked all over everything in his car, which is GROSS! but I can't really imagine it making the inside of that junk pile any worse. It's completely covered in cigarette butts and trash from snacks when he'd get 'the munchies' probably. LOL

I just had yet another accident! My dad's bowling ball that he keeps on a stand on top of one of the bookshelves just rolled off and totally smashed into the floor, RIGHT NEXT TO ME! *adrenaline high* That could have killed me! I told dad that putting a bowling ball on top of a bookshelf was just NOT a good idea. I can tell you it's not going back up there again! What the hell is going on? Is the house shifting or have there been some small earthquakes or something? I'm kind of freaked. Dad will feel so bad about that when I tell him, but I've got to tell him because it actually made a small divot in the floor! Gawd, I have such bad luck. *breathes big sigh of relief* OK, later...

*hugs*

Friday, October 25, 2002

Yay! (c: I don't have any school today. Boo! )c: My time off is being ruined by being completely nervous about the Uldras' gig at Mongo's tonight. I couldn't even eat anything. My stomach is churning over and over on itself. Ugh. I've got to find a way not to be such a worrywart. I just hope they still like us at Mongo's when we're headlining! I mean, it's a small place and all, but I think I'd die if the crowd started throwing things at us or booing or whatever. I keep imagining this scenario where I get an eye poked out by a trophy someone throws at us! LOL It's insane, I know, but it's what I keep imagining.

LOL Gawd, I am so bad. When Remner came over last night he was all skinny from fasting so much and I felt all kinds of pity for him. The shit I cooked was totally disgusting so I ordered pizza and made him eat, eat, eat. lol It was weird though because he was really slow and he was talking really soft and he looked majorly depressed. Duh! You NEED to eat food. I don't know what got into me, I am such a naughty girl sometimes. I told him he was so skinny he looked like a girl and that he should DRESS like one of he was going to starve himself to death like so many do. LOL So I got him to dress up in one of my dresses and dance around like he was a ballerina! I don't know WHY he went along with me, but I'm glad he did because it was hilarious. He has this beard so it was all like watching a cricus freak. I have to say, he was pretty good at ballerina dancing! I could almost imagine the music in my head from his moves. OK, well I know very little about dance really. It was more like that interpretive dance crossed with ballerina dancing I guess. He would run across the living room and bow sideways with his hands over his head and silly stuff like that! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. After his little dance routine he kept the dress on, so it was hard to take his conversation very seriously. He said he had to thank me because he was giving up Breatharianism for good. So immediately he gets out a pack of cigarettes and starts chain-smoking them. Um...if he was ever serious about the Breatharian thing, which was insane and not worth being serious about, why would he be carrying around a pack of cigarettes with him? LOL Not that I really care, just that it kind of shows how serious he was about the whole thing. =-P

On the downside, he drank ALL of my pop. Or, sort of drank it anyway. He'd open one can and drink maybe two gulps from it, forget about it and open another and start over again. I tried to keep his pops with him, following him around with his drink so he wouldn't open yet another pop, but it didn't work at all. All in all, I was very amused by his willingness to crossdress and dance around. LOL Like I said, I'm totally evil. (c: At one point he even went to his car in the dress and some people walking down the street pointed and laughed at him! *giggles* It was like John the Baptist became gay and started wearing floral print summer dresses.

OK, off to read more of A Clockwork Orange before our early practice and (*drum roll*) THE GIG...

*hugs*

Friday, October 25, 2002

I fell down the stairs an hour a go, hitting my head on the wall. I think I'm OK. I was pretty disorientied for a while. For the life of me I don't know what I tripped on. I couldn't find anything on any of the steps. Whatever made me fall must of been knocked somewhere totally else. God help me if I tripped over my own not large at all feet! I need to lay down for a while. My head is still throbbing.

Even so, I want to talk about what John Thomas wrote in my guest book today. I'm sorry if you think I am a bad person. On my worst days I would probably agree with you. I mean I can be totally selfish sometimes and, even worse, I think really bad thoughts about people when I should try to be more considerate and understanding. Still, I have to wonder what your life would be like, Mr. Thomas, if you kept a day to day public diary like my blog. I bet it would be as boring as mine. Even worse, I bet you wouldn't have the courage to try to really talk about what your feelings and thoughts are. I bet you would gloss over your life, making yourself look cool or glibbly tragic. At least, I guess, I'm not a man like you, always a jerk and always hypocritical. I try to be as honest as I humanly can about myself and I don't go around hurting people's feelings like you, buster! At least I always feel guilty about the terrible things I think and, thank god, I don't actually ever say them to people like you did. I thought the internet was about bringing people together, not bringing them down by being a dick like you have in my guest book. Moreover, what do you mean by calling my grandfather a fairy? Are you making fun of my beliefs or is that some sort of vile homophobic comment about him? My grandfather was not gay, but it wouldn't matter if he was because there is nothing wrong with being gay. You are a completely hateful person. I'm glad you aren't reading my blog anymore. I don't need your black cloud hanging over it at all!

That's all for now. I'm sorry for flying off the handle. I guess I'm just all nervous about the show tomorrow and almost hurting myself really bad tonight. I need to close my eyes now. I hope John Thomas can sleep knowing what a dick he has been today. *No hugs at all right now because I'm too mad at John Thomas*

PS GO TO HELL, JOHN THOMAS!

Thursday, October 24, 2002

OK. Ugh. It's been a long two days, let me tell you. First, my computer went kaput on me yesterday morning before school. I was *pulling my hair out* because I was typing some homework answers and I had no idea how much not being able to make my journal entries into this thing would bother me. And I have like no understanding of computers, so I had no idea how serious the glitch was or anything. I mean, I get those gray boxes all the time and even get the nasty blue screens of death, but never a red screen that clicked a whole bunch! It freaked me out! LOL Which probably isn't hard to do. =-P

Lucky for me, in a way (more below), that Ray knows so much about computers. I mentioned my computer troubles at yesterday's fiasco practice and Ray said he could probably fix it for me...on one condition. *curls lip* Of course you know what the condition was--that I give him 'another chance' and go on another date with him. ACK! )c: But how could I refuse? I need my computer and I definately need access to my blog journal thing. The whole thing kind of made me angry, and I'm right to be kind of angry right? I mean, it's almost as if I have no choice in the matter. GRRRRRR!!! By the fact that you see a new entry you can tell I said yes, against my better judgment. So now I have another totally disastrous date to look forward to with Ray because of his great bribing skills. Blech, blech, blech. All men are creeps in their own personal, super special ways aren't they? That would be prejudiced if it wasn't true! lol But it IS true! >:-(

This definately doesn't make things any better with the Uldras. I already can't stand all of Ray's crazy lyrics from beyond the grave, Chris is a fucking creep that should be in some kind of traveling freak show or maybe in prison, and Patrick is becoming more and more a gigantic dickhead again, which is why I broke up with him waaaay back when anyway. Maybe more on that later. Let's just say he's alot more tolerant of faeries now than he used to be. )c:

Speaking of practice, it was the weirdo carnival I've come to expect. Chris brought that friend I mentioned the other day, the drooling guy. I kind of suspect Chris might not just be drinking whiskey anymore and is taking drugs or something. Because him and his friend got to Ray's late and Chris was standing really tall like some kind of military guy and he was moving all stiff and was moving his eyes around, but it's like he wouldn't move his head. And his friend was breathing REALLY bizarre, so much so I thought maybe I should call an ambulance, or maybe the police. He was breathing like, and you'll think I'm nuts for knowing this, but he was breathing like lizards do. Those really long and still breaths and his eyes were halfway shut. It was a fucking trip just being around them yesterday, let me tell you! I don't know what kind of shit they found to smoke, snort, or inject or whatever but it was something. Honestly, even though I've seen the man throw himself on his cat's grave, I didn't feel very safe in the situation. I don't know this new guy he keeps bringing along and whenever Chris introduces him, which we've all asked about like a thousand times, he slurs the words so bad or his name is just so unpronounceable that we don't even know this freak's name! If this keeps going on I don't know what I'll do. *deep sighs* This is NOT a situation I should be in with my band.

At least our music seems to be good or whatever. I mean, I'm less nervous about our gig at Mongo's than I was about the battle of the bands thing. And that zine guy came over and everything and Chris seems to SOMEHOW have gotten a girlfriend from it, so we must have been doing something right. OK, I know almost all of our songs have kind of been about faeries so far, which most people think is crazy, but it seems to work but Ray really wants us to try out one of his new crazy 'grandfather robot' songs and I'm not sure how well that will work at all. I mean, Ray wants me to act like a robot like in that dance from the 80s while I'm singing it! No way! I already make enough of a fool of myself daring to sing about faeries in a band that 3/4 of which has NO experience at all and 1/4 of which belongs in a zoo with the rest of the disgruntled monkeys. LOL

Manny is home now, thank Gawd. *whew* I picked her up yesterday, right after school. That nice receptionist guy that was working there the day before was gone and instead some slob paying more attention to the stupid radio was working the desk. He just sat there and stared at me while he chomped on his nachos with an open mouth, letting bits fall out onto paperwork sitting on the desk. GROSS! But that's all behind me now and I've got Manny back. She's loopy, but the same kind of loopy she was before her troubles started, lol. She's a little stoner cat. (c: Just as long as she doesn't become a hippy or anything and start listening to 'classic rock' on VH-1. LOL One good thing did come from the fat receptionist guy. He had cut up mushrooms on his nachos which totally reminded me of this mushroom growing kit I saw in a health food store out at the mall with Cheryl. Somehow, I forgot about it! And I LOVE mushrooms! Anyway, I think I'm going to buy that kit thing and try to grow my own mushrooms even though it's out of season for most. I really miss my hikes in the woods looking for mushrooms. I could still hike I guess, I should try to connect with nautre more like I did when I was camping with Brandan and communicate with the faeries. But I can't write about mushrooms along the way, which is something I find totally catheteric. *thinks dreamily about the summer*

I have so much more to catch up on just from one day missing, but I've rambled on and on for too long now. Jubilee Cafe was...um...interesting, for instance. Shirley Fenster was pretty mad about me not showing up on Monday, which she is totally right to be mad about. )c: I felt like a real MORON and I felt like I let them all down there by not showing up. Julian was sweet about it, he must have been able to tell Mrs. Fenster had read me the riot act because he was joking around with me to make me feel better. Ugh. I was embarrassed just to show my face there. But Joe made me smile, and he even told me a little story which is the most and most um...how to put it...understandable he's been so far. I don't mean that in a mean way or anything, it's just I can't figure out what he's talking about most of the time even though I think I get the general impression.

And Remner called. *cringes* I don't know what I was thinking about even picking up the phone, but I had no computer and the TV was boring so I guess I figured he'd be good for some entertainment at least. LOL I'm so bad. It's like letting Jehovah's Witlesses in or something and then flirting with them while they talk. LOL You know, good fun. Anyway, I'm glad I DID talk to Remner because he told me about Brandan. I WAS RIGHT!!! Gawd. Brandan IS working in Aunt Minnie's store in Kansas City. I knew it! Remner seemed really sad because he 'sinned', which means he couldn't keep up his insane fast and ate something. I told him he should 'sin' alot more. He didn't appreciate my input. lol He was totally depressed about it though. I can't even imagine how the Breatharians manage to survive as a group without being some of the most 'sinfull' people in any religion, LOL. I started torturing Remner with all this talk about delicious food and I finally got him to admit to me he was starving for some food. Should I feel bad? Am I some kind of evil temptress luring away faithfull Breathrian idiots with promises of food? LOL Anyway, I'm cooking dinner and Remner is coming over right now. It's not like THAT, so don't even think it. But as much as I despise him he really HAS to eat, so I'll be a good person and make him eat while he's in a frame of mind where he WILL eat. As a person I have to do what I can to keep him from starving himself, right? *sigh* So, I need to run now because Remner will be here at any minute and I have practice later on, so I've got to hussle...

*hugs*

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I am so muddled right now. I'm not even sure I'm awake. I was so scared. I still am shaking. I woke up with a start, something standing on my belly. At first I thought it was Manny, but then I remembered Manny was still at the vet. I don't know why but I didn't want to open my eyes, afraid to see what it might be. I covered my mouth in shock when I saw a three inch shimmery man with beautiful gossamer wings standing there holding this long shining spear in his right hand. All my fear melted away instantly. I was so excited to finally see a faery close up. It actually wanted to talk to me! Or so I thought until it leaped up on my chest and pressed the end of its spear against my throat, threatening to jab me with it. In the most pretty voice I have ever heard (sort of like tinkling bells), it said, and I remember exactly like it kind of was etched it on my brain, "You shall receive the only reward you deserve for what you have done." I totally lost it when he said that, his mean face completely staring at me like I was the worst person ever. I grabbed him in my hands and squeezed him as tightly as I could, knocking his little weapon out of the way. I could only stare in surprise when he gasped and turned into this sparkly dust that spilled all over my lap, the dust disappearing in just seconds. When I woke up after that I was sitting straight up in my bed with my hands held just like I was still squeezing him in my horrible nightmare. I am so sleeping on the couch in the living room . . . if I can get back to sleep. I kind of scared to, even though it's silly because it was just another of my dumb dreams. All I know for sure is I definitely don't need another messed up night. LET ME SLEEP! :-(

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Maybe I should have stayed at Cheryl's tonight too. I am so creeped out right now, especially without Manny here. I know it's my imagination getting the best of me, but I feel like my hearing has become supersensitive. I can hear the floors creaking and even the tree branches outside moving. When I was trying to go to sleep, I was completely covered with goosebumps. I bet some blind person could have read my skin like braille, "Erin is a big fraidy cat" repeated over and over again up and down my arms and legs. I so couldn't stop exaggerating every vibrations I heard. I swear for a little bit I thought I heard little footsteps, but then I realized I'd turned the heater on for the first time. Speaking of temperature, that weather pixie I put up is always so wrong. I wish it was in the 60's right now! I feel like I'm freezing right now. Hopefully, Manny will be back tomorrow to protect me and keep me warm when she snuggles up next to me. I miss her so much I cried tonight just thinking about her. :^(

Ray pissed everyone off at practice today, even Patrick. He invited this guy named Philip Stein over to watch us practice and interview us for this zine he's doing. I guess he's a junior at KU or something like that. All I know for sure is that none of us wanted him there, even though he seemed to really be into the Uldras, going off on how great he thought we were when we won the Battle of the Bands at Mongo's. No one wanted to talk to him. Not even Chris, if you can believe. Chris kept getting in Philip's face telling him how much he "loathed little maggoty critics look for a corpse to chow down on." Philip looked totally nervous, not that I can blame him. If Chris got that in my face like that I'd be completely queasy. I mean I guess it's not like he was a bad guy. It's just that practice is our private time and we don't need strangers staring at us when we screw up songs or yell at each other. We especially didn't need to listen to him tell us about his zine, Auditory Nerve Damage, which he said was going to carry on in the tradition of Applicable Notes, Forced Exposure and Conflict. I haven't even heard of any of those. Who cares? He seemed especially into Applicable Notes, telling us how he wanted to capture our essence the way some snobby writer guy did in his articles about bands. I think the only time I even laughed once was when Mr. Patches sprayed Philip's leg. Chris thought was it was pretty amusing, too. He kept telling Mr. Patches what a good boy he was. Ray was just frustrated with all of us. He repeated over and over again that it wa important that we be nice to Philip. Philip was going to give us "good press." I wonder if Ray had thought it through much because Philip gave all of us a strange look when Ray introduced to us the newest song he had written with his grandfather. Philip became even more interested when Patrick cracked a joke about Ray's grandfather being so prolific from beyond the grave. I dread what horrible things Philip will write about in his zine now, especially when Ray's newest song began with the lines, "The toaster touches the coffee maker/ my heart is here for any taker . . ." I really need to have a private conversation with Patrick about Ray. I'm not only worried about him, but I really don't want to do any of his insane songs about kitchen appliances.

I should make this short, I guess. It's late and I didn't sleep last night very well either. You should see the dark circles underneath my eyes. I feel like I haven't had a good night's rest for weeks what with Manny acting so weird and then getting hurt. Also, I need to remember to go to Jubilee Cafe tomorrow too. I CAN'T FORGET THIS TIME! Besides, I totally want to hang out with Julian and see Joe. Keep your fingers crossed again for Manny, too. She just has to be able to come home tomorrow! *Hugs*

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

OK, I got the extermination out of the way! Thank gawd. I can be in my house and actually relax a little bit again. *super deep sigh of relief* I met the guy from Advanced Pest Management right after school and he was really quick and everything. He said he really could find much evidence of anything big in the house but that there were a few minor things. I probably wouldn't have minded so much but he said it all condescending and stuff like 'here here silly little girlie, everything will be OK now that big man is here to fix it'. Ugh. I just felt like screaming 'NOTHING IS MINOR WHEN IT CUTS MY CAT TO SHREDS, ASSHOLE'!!! Of course I didn't though. )c: That just pissed me off so much. Us women have come so far but how far have we really come? What good is making things a million times better if things are really a billion times worse? Even a million times better is just a little bit better in comparison. Um...gawd, there I go with 'deep thoughts' again, lol. Did that make sense? I probably shouldn't meander into that kind of stuff. I always feel kind of dumb when I open my mouth about something that really matters. :-

Anyway, the shovenist exterminator guy said he DID find evidence of mice or maybe rats. He said there was some 'vermin shit' (his words not mine obviously) up in a corner of the attic, which he said was kind of wierd because 'them shitty vermins' usually 'shit their shitty shit' all over the place like they have no control of their 'shitass poopers' (I swear to gawd he was talking like this). That's just disgusting to think about! GROSS!!! I mean, we handle all this stuff all the time and get into old boxes and pick up things when we have no idea what's been pooping on them! It's scary to think about because at least I know I don't wash my hands before and after touching every single object or anything and it's not like I can monitor where everything has been or what's been on it or whatever. Not only are there little germs on everything but there's probably poop on everything too! My skin crawls just thinking about it! *shudders*

The testosterone soaked exterminator guy said that the mice or rats or whatever were probably hiding in the walls now because he thought he heard some of 'them little bucktoothed shitheads' dying when he gassed them. Whatever. Just make them go away, even though I don't see how it could possibly have been mice that cut up Manny so bad. Just. Whatever. As long as it, they or whatever are gone.

I appreciate Cheryl and more importantly Cheryl's parents for letting me stay over like they did. It really meant alot to me and it was SUCH a relief to be able to be kind of safe, even if I didn't really sleep a whole lot. So I hate to mention it, but Cheryl's mom is a little bizarre. She has a wierd look in her eyes like she's possessed and she smiles all the time. Cheryl says it's just the Valium, but I don't know. I probably shouldn't poke fun so I'll shut up. And who am I to say mean things like that? I'd take ANY mother, if I could be so lucky! :-(

*major bummer alert* I went to pick up Manny today too but they said they decided she needed to stay another day because some of her wounds were kind of iffy. I started to cry like some stereotypical girlie girlie type asking if she would make it, but thankfully the receptionist guy was totally understanding and gently explained she would be OK and that it was just to be super sure. That's fine, whatever is best for Manny is best for me too, even though I miss her after just being away from her for such a short time. )c: I LOVE MY CAT! I'm not ashamed. I admit it to anyone! I think of her like she's a person, or maybe a little kid or something. Just thinking about her makes my frowns dissolve and a big smile rainbow form on my face. (c: So now the schedule is to pick her up tomorrow. The receptionist guy restored total confidence in me that these people knew what they were doing and they'd make sure she'd be OK. He must have been born to handle people like me coming in all sad like that. I think he must have been gay.

Everything smells kind of wierd here since the exterminator (LOL, technically I'm not supposed to even be in here until midnight, but I just had to get back in here) so I'm looking forward to the gasoline smell of Ray's garage. It's a late practice tonight so I might not make an entry later on, or maybe it'll just be kind of short. Um...I have no idea really, lol. I hope Ray just doesn't have any new psychotic Grandpa songs about toasters or computers or whatever that last one was about. What the hell? I mean, maybe he really can communicate with his grandfather, who knows? Buuuut, why would his grandfather help him write a song about computers or whatever? LOL It just seems a little strange, which isn't surprising since it IS Ray and it IS my wacko life we're dealing with here. =-P

I missed my journal habit (both this one and reading grandpa's), it's like being addicted to drugs, not that I've ever been addicted to drugs despite the best efforts of Brandan, the asshole. (I've been trying not to think about the extreme possibility that it's him working for my Aunt now.) *sigh* Anyway, this bit stuck out at me today while I was reading it and I thought I'd share it since I haven't been sharing as much of his journals as I'd like...

"It was a harrowing escape for me today! The machinations of man convulsive with the dark nepenthe of evil by far exceed the curses of scorned faeries and the slights of darkling creatures. This has been a lesson hard learned and oft taught. Damnation upon him! It is true, the devil may not enter unless you invite him in and what a devil I have unwittingly entertained in Fergus these past few years! His knowledge of lore exceeds the breadth of all Ireland but the depth of his evil touches the roots of the Earth. The knowledge he has shared regarding the faerie folk has been crucial to my increased closeness to their domain and to their acceptance of me, but his personal counsels, I now know, are of the demonic sort. The Black Arts! How could the stain of his soul have been hidden from me for so long? I have been a fool and a pawn in a game exceeding those dangers I faced when brashly hunting the pookah! He has set me up as a payment to the House of a fallen one! I do not know the workings of such Arts myself and fear for my life and the lives of all around me; there is no recourse to the grimoires Fergus consults for they are possessed by the demon himself! Assuredly, I will not accept the bartering of my personage as a means to some nefarious end."

What!? I never thought all that crazy stuff about demons and stupid magic shit were real and yet my grandfather seemed really scared and angry about it? I mean, I wouldn't even believe in this faerie stuff if I didn't have good reason to. I know it seems crazy to other people. Well, to me this demon stuff always seemed crazy and silly. There are alot more journals so I know grandfather obviously made it through whatever danger there was, or whatever danger grandfather thought there was from Fergus. Maybe he really was crazy after all and just kind of stumbled on one crazy thing that happened to be true - faeries! *scrathces head* I don't know what to think frankly.

Got to run to get food before practice...

*hugs*

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

I hope I don't screw up Cheryl's computer or wake anyone up. Everyone is asleep but me, Little Miss I-Can't-Keep-My-Eyes-Shut-Because-I'm-Worried-About-Manny. I feel weird staying over here. I guess Cheryl is right, though. It probably isn't safe at my house until whatever hurt Manny is disposed of as it richly deserves for being so horrible. I just need to remember to call in the morning first thing. I just hope they can come as soon as possible. Dad already gave me the green light to do what I think is best. I wish I could have talked to him longer, but I felt guilty calling Japan from Cheryl's house. Dad seemed totally tired and worn out. I wish he was here more. If he was, I could make sure he eats better and takes time out to rest. I also hope I can bring Manny home tomorrow, too. I miss her so much. This will sound stupid, but I just feel more secure when I know she's around. My fingers are so tightly crossed right I'm afraid I'm going to snap them both in two like twigs. Manny just has to get better!

You want to know what else is odd? When Cheryl picked me in her car, the crow that lives by my house followed us back to her house. I can hear it squawking right now outside. Don't birds ever sleep? I should ask my biology teacher, Mr. Lenhardt, tomorrow. I mean, all animals sleep right? I know I sure do when I can, not that this is one of those times. I almost feel like going outside right now and throw rocks at that crow. Of course, there probably aren't enough rocks in the world for me to throw before I actually beaned it in the head. HEY! Maybe my negative thoughts made it be quiet! I can't hear it at all now. Perhaps have some sort of psychic power I didn't know about. Wouldn't it be great if I did? I don't know what would be better, reading people's minds or predicting the future. Thinking about everyone I know, maybe looking inside of their heads wouldn't be so a good idea. Can you imagine what an awful place Chris or Remner's brains might be? I know I couldn't possibly deal with all the terrible jokes bouncing around inside Patrick. I bet he has a snide comment for every person he has ever met.

Since I've been here, Cheryl and I mostly watched TV. My brain was too wrecked and you know how it is when you sleep over. You wind up just talking and talking until you pass out. At least that's the way it should be and is for Cheryl. Lucky me, eyes wide open, brain on overdrive. We wound up mostly watching that cheesy movie, The Conspiracy Theory, on FX. Not that we actually watched it. LOL. We'd only pay attention every ten minutes or so, making jokes about Julia Roberts and how completely terrible her acting and wardrobe are in it. It was pretty funny too that Captain Picard was the bad guy. That was probably the best part actually since Star Trek sucks so much. I bet you can't guess what Cheryl mostly talked about, either. Ugggghhh! I guess she's been hanging out a lot at Alley Cat lately. She's even been buying tons of records, which Brett recommends to her when she's there. I don't think she really likes any of them because she never talks about it. I wouldn't mind borrowing some of it, though, and listening to it. Also, Cheryl has been attending all of the Gluons shows in the past two weeks . . . well, actually just two shows since that's all they have played since losing to me the Uldras. Overall, though, it's been great spending time with Cheryl. We just haven't been hanging out as much as we used to what with all my stuff and her stalking my brother. LOL.

OK, time for to slink back into the guest room. The hideaway bed I am on is so uncomfortable. It's beyond lumpy and the mattress is wafer thin. Worse yet, the hideaway bed totally makes me think of Moo Cow. I keep imagining Cheryl's mom not noticing me asleep on it and trying to close it. I know it's a stupid thing to think about. Besides, I don't think anyone would throw themselves in my grave. Sorry to get all morbid. I think that's my signal to risk the hideaway bed again. Good night again! *Hugs hugs hugs hugs to the infinite power*

Monday, October 21, 2002

Cheryl should be here any second so this has to be faster than fast. I so blew it again. Julian called a little bit a go asking why I wasn't at Jubilee Cafe today. I guess they're really mad at me now for accidentally skipping out. They probably don't care, though, that I'm madder at myself than they are at me. I can't believe I just let it vanish from my brain! I look forward to hanging out with Julian and seeing Joe. Now I guess I have to wait until Wednesday, if they even want me there anymore. I can't blame them if they don't. I wouldn't want a flake like me either.

Practice was, um, practice. Ray pretended like nothing happened. Patrick made jokes about me missing practice on Friday. By the end I so wanted to punch him. He wouldn't let up. I keep half suspecting that he knows Ray and I went out and he's just being a dick because of that. Since we have a show next Friday, everyday is going to be practice until then, my life filled up again. I feel like I'm buried under an avalance of committments and it just makes me want to hide under my covers and sleep until everything is over. The biggest thing about practice, I guess, Ray scaring everyone. He brought a new song to practice for us to work on after we went through the set, which isn't unusual. I guess the part that everyone sort of noticed was when he said he had written the song with his grandfather. Patrick sort of frowned. I was surprise he didn't make a joke. He actually seemed concerned. Chris just asked if it was going to be a waltz or something. If it was. he wanted everyone to know that waltzes were for senile stiffs. Ray completely turned red when Chris said that, but kept quiet. He just played the song once for us using his machines and then Patrick and Chris joined in. He gave me some lyrics he wanted me to sing, which was kind of hard since I hadn't seen them before and I kept screwing up while wondering what the song was supposed to be about, especially since Ray had written them with someone dead. One of the lines went something like, "I will not walk stiffly/ my head on a swivel/ inputting my surroundings." I was so glad to go home. I was even gladder that I didn't have to give Chris a ride. That girl, Samantha, who he met at our last show picked him up. Can someone explain to me what any sane woman would see in Chris? :-(

One last thing before I go (because Cheryl has to be here soon). I forgot to mention this earlier, but here's a new boy in school named, James, whose a senior. He's in a couple of my classes and a complete freak. In AP English he even had a little verbal fight with Mr. Callahan. James wore a top hat to class and Mr. Callahan told him to take it off immediately. James, unlike the rest of the class who are scared of Mr. Callahan, started to mock his "out-moded" social concerns. Mr. Callahan's face turned so red I thought it was going to explode, especially when this James called him a "muttonish long pig unworthy of the world's larder at large." Everyone jumped when Mr. Callahan rushed over to James' desk and pulled him up by the shirt collar and dragged him out of the classroom to the principal's office. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already been suspended.

Yikes! Gotta go! Cheryl is ringing the doorbell. Tomorrow! I want to call Dad when I get to Cheryl's and ask him what I should do about the attic. I'm hoping he let's me call an exterminator. No one messes with my Manny and lives to tell the tale! *A Hasty Hug*

Monday, October 21, 2002

Blech. I've got one HELL of a headache from worrying so much last night and hardly getting any sleep before I went to the Gentle Care Animal Hospital early this morning. She'll be OK even though she's all cut up from whatever happened to her. I won't be allowed to take her home until tomorrow though because she DID lose alot of blood and they want to make sure there's no rabies or infections or whatever before I bring her back into my home. I still can't figure out what Manny cut herself on. *scratches head* I looked around in the attic last night because I just could not sleep I was so sick with worry. The only thing I can imagine is that a big rat or some other neighborhood cat or something got into the house through a window or whatever and Manny got in a fight with it. The vet said it looked like claw slashes on her and not bites. So now I'm completely freaked out just being in my house because I don't know if whatever attacked Manny is still here or not! *frantic panic* I'm carrying around a rake in case whatever it is jumps out at me and I have to fight it off! I figured a rake would be the best thing because it has such a wide head even someone with super bad aim like me should be able to pin down or shoo off the cat or rat or whatever. I should NOT have to worry about these kind of things in my own home. I have a monster headache, I can't get any rest knowing there might be something out there, and my poor cat has been brutally hurt by some intruding creature. )c:

Cheryl was totally freaked out when I told all about what happened too. She thinks I shouldn't even come back in here until I know whatever it was is gone. She's going to let me sleep over at her house tonight, which is such a great thing, you have no idea how much easier I'll be able to rest not having to worry about every tiny sound I hear. It's good to have friends like Cheryl when you really need them. *feels lightened*

I'm dreading practice tonight for a variety of reasons. lol Can i even remember all the different reasons why I might not be enthralled about practice tonight? Let's see...Ray is probably still all pissed off about me not being completely in love with him, everyone is probably still pissed off about me forgetting to show up to practice on Friday (unfortunately, they have good reason), I'm wiped out tired and I just don't have the energy to sing with enthusiasm or whatever, I'm still completely anxious about poor Manny and the idea that some cat or, Gawd, probably that damned crow lurking around in the shadows of my house just waiting to leap out and attack me like they did Manny, I have a ton of homework I NEED to complete, not to mention the book I haven't read very much of yet, um...probably other things. Oh yeah, then there's always whatever crazy and gross shit Chris has been up to. (Like, for examples, last week he came to practice with some friend of his that must have had NO TEETH at all and was drooling the whole time. Him and Chris talked to each other really wierd, almost like in another language, and they laughed a whole lot while they were looking at us, me probably. Ugh.) |-| <---flat eyes and flat lips on a totally blank girl.

There have been some really good responses on my thread at ILM and it's made me think alot about those nasty lyrics from that Fall album. Someone made a good point about automatically reacting to 'that word' no matter what context it's used in and whether we really should react that way to it all the time. Someone else suggested maybe the singer was using it to ridicule 'equal opportunity' hiring policies. But if he was mocking hiring policies why would he still be nasty to black people by calling them 'that word' if it's the companies and stuff he's targeting? And maybe we shouldn't always react so negatively to the word no matter context, but in the context of my question why shouldn't I react negatively? I might be kind of dense but I just don't see any explanation for him using it? And just because it's used alot in rap and between African American comics and stuff, as someone else on the thread pointed out, doesn't mean the word should be OK for everyone to use, it could just be that no one should be using such a nasty word that is meant to put people down based on their race. It's not 'just a word' because words mean things. And nobody has offered any real explanations for it, they all just seem to offer possible explanations that make it acceptable so they can justify liking the music without seeming racist to others. Or maybe they just don't want to seem racist to themselves or whatever. I have no clue, but all I know is I still can't see using the word as being justified. )c: *whew* But I'm willing to concede that I'm not very good with these deep thought kind of things and I know so little about the Fall that I can't really pass some kind of self-important final judgment on them and everyone that likes them or anything.

OK, I'm going to inch my way to the kitchen and try ot eat something before I go to practice. I hope I can keep it down with how much my stomach is turning over and over and over. *imagines self being on ship at sea* If only it was a cruise and not some kind of hell ship getting smashed by monster concrete waves! LOL

*hugs*

Monday, October 21, 2002

*pulling hair out* I can't sleep at all I'm so worried about Manny. At least I put my anxious energy to some good use and made a new title for this thing. I've GOT to get some sleep. I've GOT to distract myself from poor Manny. )c: Will someone out there please whack me in the back of the head so I can get some rest? I'm going crazy here. *bangs head on keyboard* It's too late to call anyone like Cheryl. Goddamnit! It's all my fault. Surprise, surprise. I may have killed my cat for all I know at this point and it's all because I apparently left the attic ladder pulled part of the way down in Dad's bedroom. I am just SO hoping she will be OK. I can't bear this as is, and if she dies and it's my fault I don't know what I'll do. Manny isn't a pet, Manny is a member of my family! Ugh.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

This has to be brief. Tonight has been a nightmare plus a billion. I had to rush Manny to the emergency vet three hours a go and I just got back. I don't know want happened to her, but somehow she got all these really bad lacerations and puncturess, bleeding all over the place. I was completely in tears when I found her in the attic after hearing her crying while I was watching TV and paging through my US History textbook at the same time. I about jumped ten feet when I heard her scream. What puzzles me is how she got up their in the first place and what could have happened. I plan to go up there tomorrow morning before school and look around a little bit more. She has to have fallen into a box of Christmans ornaments or something. Right now she is still at the Vet. The doctor said I should call tomorrow when I get home from school to see if I can take her home yet. I don't think I'm going to sleep a wink tonight worrying about her. She was bleeding so much. The towel I wrapped her up in when I drove to the vet is totally red. Please have kind thoughts about Manny tonight.

The only thing else I feel like adding (and the maybe the only thing positive that happened today) is that I asked a question on I Love Music about that nasty Fall song. As always, Ned Raggett was beyond sweet, distracting me from thinking about Manny for a few seconds at least. Uggggh! I'm sorry. I need cut this short and to go now. I feel like crying again and I don't want to electrocute myself when my tears short circuit my computer. GET WELL, MANNY! :-( *Can I have a hug?*

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Can I just begin this entry by saying, 'Ugh'? Too bad, I'm going to say it anyhow. ;-P I've been avoiding the phone like a fugitive from America's Most Wanted because Remner keeps calling me like I'm his close friend or something. I guess he's started his first fast as part of this INSANE Breatharian thing he got involved with and his hunger is driving him nuts. Gawd, I told him to just eat and forget the stupid new religion he's picked up. Have I mentioned I think Breatharianism is dumb, insane, and dangerous? LOL I think I have but it's worth saying over and over. I mean, come on! Who could truly believe light and air will nourish them? I'm covering my fanny on this one. In my reading on the web about this breatharian thing I found a news story about a couple convicted of murder or manslaugher, or one of those things which all seem kind of the same, because they didn't get assistance for some Breatharian friend of theirs while that person starved to death. *furrows brow* People...are...stupid. lol I might be a moron, but I'm always stunned by how much more moronic than me all these other morons are. (c: Anyway, like I said, I'm admonishing Remner to eat over and over, I'm being emphatic (*BROOP!* big word alert, lol). Remner kept going on and on...and on about every cubic inch of air being a 'palimpsest' (*BROOP!* bigger word alert, lol) of everything that's ever happened and how all the universe's energy is contained in every cubic in of even just empty space and all this other kind of new age, pseudo-science mumbo jumbo to try and 'prove' that there's huge amounts of energy in everything. Well, duh. That's not being argued, dumbass! The stomach is NOT made to absorb the energy of the universe for us to survive off of! Ugh. I mean, TEETH for crying out loud! What are we supposed to chew this energy we absorb? Um...I shouldn't get so pissed off at a bunch of idiots that don't really affect me. It's just SO stupid.

OK, my life is wierd. I know it. You probably knew it a long time ago. But the point is, now I know it too. I was talking to Aunt Minnie on the phone again today. She was just calling to check and see how things were going, blah blah blah, and she starts talking about that new employee she hired and a bunch of garbage about how 'tuned in he is with the Earth' and what a good karma he has or whatever, the normal stupid hippy Aunt Minnie shit, and then she mentions his name--Brandan. I kid you not. Ugh. DOUBLE Ugh! I couldn't make myself ask if it was my Brandan or not, I just died there on the phone while she prattled on. I can put two and two together, I don't even need to ask. Brandan moves away to the same city my Aunt's store is in. Brandan is a hippy asshole piece of shit. Aunt Minnie hires a new hippy asshole piece of shit into her store who's name is Brandan. That's just too much to be a coincidence, right? I'm not connecting things that aren't really connected, right? )c: Of all the nasty, stupid coincidences that could happen to people out there in the world, THIS one has to happen to ME. *crosses fingers that it's not really Brandan* 'Cause if it IS Brandan, he HAS to know Minnie's my Aunt. And if it IS Brandan, he's sure to be still carrying a grudge about me ignoring like that, even though HE wronged ME and not the other way around. *deepest sighs possible*

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been adding some more blogrings to the side bar thingy here on my journal thing. LOL Such descriptive terms, I know. I'll be weeding out some of the defunct or just plain stupid links tonight some more and hopefully adding some new, COOL links. LOL Not that any COOL sites would really appreciate me linking to them. Actually, that might not be so untrue I guess. I was nominated by someone at this place for both 'best new blog' and 'blog of the month'. You can click either of those two 'quoted' words in the last sentence and hopefully vote for my blog. Do it! It'd be pretty nice to actually win something for once. (c: I'd owe you a whole big barrel of super giant bear *HUGS*! Or, if you hate that kind of thing I could just not hug you, lol.

OK, time to crack open this A Clockwork Orange...

*hugs*

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Friday, October 18, 2002

I should have written about my date last night when it was still fresh inside my muddled head. Now the details are like papier maché maneki neko statues left in the rain, little piles of gooey mush that can't wave at anyone anymore. It's not like my date with Ray was like a train wreck or something like camping with Brandan and Sir Stupid. It was just really sad. I felt so uncomfortable not knowing what to do. I mostly just listened to Ray telling me things I in no way ever wanted to know and regret knowing now.

Ray picked me up in his parent's Volvo station wagon. I guess I was little cautious about going out at all with him because I sort of played it cool, pretending we were just going out as friends. I had no idea where we were going, but Ray said he thought we could just hang out and get to know each better. While we drove to Destination X Ray asked me if I knew about Father Schmitz. He said it had been in the paper off and this year. I had to admit I hadn't. I am so bad sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I try to keep informed, but the news is so depressing I go weeks without knowing what's going on. When I asked him who Father Scmitz was, Ray just changed the subject really quickly to the band. He said he'd lined up another show for us at Mongo's Friday next week. The booker there was really excited by the Uldras. When we parked downtown, Ray said he hoped I was hungry because he was taking to Vermont St. BBQ for a big dinner. I was famished, but BBQ grosses me out so much. I can't handle eating giant pieces of meat that actually look like they come from cows and chickens and stuff. Besides, it's so greasy and unhealthy. Still, I was good and kept my big mouth shut. I figured I could just get some side dishes or something. There was no need for me to be like Aunt Minnie and complain. Also, it was kind of weird that Ray liked BBQ. BBQ is so messy and imprecise. Ray always seemed more like a sushi person. I ended up ordering the beef brisket. Ray order the pork ribs. That is so gross!

While we waited for our dinner, Ray asked if my Dad had talked to any of my teachers yesterday or Wednesday. I haven't mentioned it, but during the last few days parents were supposed to schedule conferences with their kids' teachers. Mine, of course, couldn't make it, being on business in Japan. When I told Ray about my dad being a way a lot, he then asked me what he did. I told him he was int he import business. Then nosey Ray wanted to know what sorts of thing got imported, which I really couldn't answer. I mean guess he probably deals in stuff like the Maneki Nekos he sends. You know, the normal junk like wicker giraffes, little bronze buddha states and Hello Kitty backpacks. Thank god our food came so we could stop talking about Dad and eat. If only the food had lasted forever, though. LOL.

After the waitress had taken our finished plates, we ordered dessert. I got a piece of peach cobbler. I can't remember what Ray ordered. While we waited for it, Ray looked at me really seriously and said he wanted my opinion on something. He told me that his Grandfather had been appeared his bedroom last night, sitting down on his bed by his feet. I was a complete doof and replied, "Um really?" Ray sort of tensed of then. He sort of stuttered that he thought I would be open minded because Patrick had told him that I believed in faeries, which is something not very many people believe exist at all. He had a point. If I expect people to respect me, then I have to respect others. Still, I was at a loss for words. I asked Ray if his grandfather had said anything to him. Just as he was about to answer our desserts luckly arrived. I think I ate my peach cobbler the slowest I have every ate anything, postponing Ray's answer. While I nibbled on my treat, Ray stumbled about trying to tell me what his grandfather had said in between bites of his own dessert. Realizing he was talking with his mouth full, he became totally quiet until we were both finished, which was a while since I really stretched out eating mine. I am so retarded sometimes! I should have just got it over with instead of trying to postpone it with my slothlike chewing and swallowing.

Both of us done (and nowhere to run), Ray rubbed his eyes for a second and then looked at me with the saddest face ever. I felt terrible sitting across from him when he told me his Grandfather had said that if he wasn't careful he would become a robot. Ray repeated every word his grandfather had said to him. I wish I could remember most of it. I was too busy repeating in my head over and over again, "I wish I wasn't here. I wish I was home."

Someone must have heard my prayers! After telling me about his grandfather visiting him, Ray totally abruptly said he didn't feel very good. He drove me straight home, not saying a word on the whole trip until we arrived at my house. I lied and told him I had had fun. I told him next time we should invite Patrick, letting him gently know that I just thought of him as a "friend." Ray tried to smile. He barely said goodbye and drove off. I wish I hadn't been so egotistical. I should have been there more for Ray. I just couldn't quit feeling uneasy. What can I do to be a better person next time and control feelings like that? :-(

Enough frowns, though. I guess I should rush through today quickly. School was alright. Mr. Callahan completely grilled Greg Jones in class today, which was funny since Greg is always such a smart ass snot who thinks he knows everything. Mr. Callahan made him look like such a jerk. :-) Lunch was good, though. I ate with Julian today since I kind of missed not hanging out with him Wednesday. I guess I should say I didn't just eat lunch with Julian because Cheryl sat with us too. She is so fixated on Brett! I can believe it and I can't understand what she sees in that jerk. I love Cheryl but I can't fathom what goes on inside of her brain sometimes. After school, I just went home. I decided to save Alley Cat Records for tomorrow. When I first got back I freaked out a little bit when I went into the kitchen and found this little puddle of what looked like blood. I was sure Manny must have somehow been hurt since she has been acting so nuts lately. Boy was I relieved when I found her sleeping on my bed instead of running around in circles, her stomach all fat from eating something. I decided, as gross as it is, she must have caught a mouse and eaten it, leaving the blood on the linoleum. I guess that's all for right now. Tonight I am in hermit mode. Time to read Grandfather's journals or whatever else I want to instead of homework. Time to enjoy no more school for two days! *Sigh of relief punctuated with a sharp hug*

Friday, October 18, 2002

Good thing Cheryl left the other half of the Valium. I got home maybe a half hour a go to find Manny freaked out again chasing her little phantom hallucination. I thought I would never catch her and force the pill down her throat. I don't think there's a drop of energy left in me after that to even start on my date with Ray tonight. Tomorrow, I promise . . . until then: *Hugs*

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Whew! *wipes brow and plops into seat* I think today must have been the busiest day ever at Jubilee Cafe! Not only was Julian not there but there was also a lot more flow of people which means more people to wait on. I don't know if so many came today because it was cold or because one of the other soup kitchen type places was shut down or something or whatever. All I know is I really had to hussle today! There was a kind of sad thing that I didn't really have time to be sad about then (*makes up for it now and frowns with sadness*). One of the bigshot popular guys that used to go to my school came in today. I bet he didn't recognize me because he's like four years older than me and all. Yeesh, I would never have expected HIM of all people to become homeless. Here are the reasons why I would never have guessed: 1) He was a popular football player. True, not the quarterback, something like a linebacker I think, but still really popular and good at football, 2) he was a super hard working student, all As in his classes and I actually think he might have earned them instead of 'earning' them just by being on the football team, 3) his family wasn't exactly rich or anything, but they were well known and certainly weren't lacking money. This only strengthens my opinion that anyone could become homeless at any minute. He had everything going for him and...somehow he became homeless. That scares me so much, you have no idea! I mean I guess he could have started snorting heroin or injecting opium or whatever or maybe became an alcoholic or stuff like that, but it could probably just as easily been a totally random occurence that made him homeless. Blech. )c: It's so depressing to see a former peer stuck on the streets like that.

Joe was there too, I think he's figured out when my shifts are which is so flattering that someone wants to see me because I'm me. :-D His face was all bruised and cut in a few places! I got so angry when I saw that! Who did it? Why did they do it? GRRRRR!!! I was so busy I couldn't really ask him what happened and besides that he seemed kind of spacey today and didn't say a whole lot. I hope whoever did that to pure and innocent Joe is locked up so they can't do it again! After my initial bout of anger I just wanted to go up to him and give him some *big hugs*, but I didn't. It never really entered my mind before but after seeing how bad he looked today I worry about him out there on the mean streets of Lawrence. Ugh. I'd so love to protect him, but how could I possibly even begin to help him at all? The quick and sad answer seems to be that I can't. *grin slumps and touches chin* He's got the 'mental illness' of being REAL and innocent despite the world. Yeah, I guess you are insane if you can keep some of your inner child. *sarcasm* All of which means he can't be hired for any kind of job.

To continue this depressing little homeless theme I've got going here, I was talking to Cheryl and Marcus today at lunch and I guess the 'word in the halls' is that North got kicked out of his home after being kicked out of school. I despise who North is but I guess I can understand partially how he got to be the asshole he is. His family life has been atrocious to put it mildly. According to Cheryl, his father is in jail for murdering a transvestite hooker, his mother was a heroin addict turned fanatical Buddhist (and she abandoned him and went to Tibet or Nepal or one of those other countries big on Buddha), and his semi-rich grandparents were allowed to adopt him even though everyone has heard the rumors about his grandfather. Gawd, if my life were that fucked up who knows how bad I'd turn out to be! *sighs of relief at living in such a normal home* I guess his grandparents finally kicked him out after getting expelled from school and because he's actually gay, which despite the unnameable things his grandfather is rumored to have done simply cannot be tolerated by Mrs. Spangler (his grandmother). This is all according to Cheryl who has a bit of a reputation for false rumor spreading, but who knows? It's not like she always makes these things up or stuff. I don't know if I should feel sorry for North being homeless now or glad. I'm totally conflicted. I just hope, no, PRAY TO THE FAERIE KING he never shows up at Jubilee Cafe! *fingers crossed*

Yikes! Tonight is my date with Ray. I guess I wouldn't be so nervous if I knew what to expect from him. He's just such a blank slate, it's so unnerving sometimes. I keep imagining this scenario where he falls down some stares and his arm breaks off and inside it's all a bunch of wires and blinking lights, LOL! Is Ray a robot made by Patrick? Gawd, I can be so silly sometimes. 8-P I still don't even know where we're going! Ray's keeping a zipped lip on this, which frightens me a bit.

I am so, so relieved. I think my faerie friends haven't abandoned me after all. Yay! Today I could swear I heard voices in my attic and so I rushed up to check on it, which is kind of an involved process, and when I finally got up there I think I could make out small footprints in the dust. I couldn't be completely for sure certain because it's so dark and the prints were kind of light, but I think it was. Brett would say I'm total schizo, but I know I'm not imagining this stuff, and when seen in the light of my family's strong history of closeness to the faeries I think it becomes just as valid as the theory that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction to attack us with. (c:

Speaking of Brett, that reminds me, I need to get to Alley Cat Records again soon and give back the albums Cletus oh so kindly let me borrow!

OK, time to primp myself up for the big date...

*hugs*

P.S. Remner called yet again spouting his insane Breatharian philosophy. I'm afraid he's going to turn into a problem. Gawd, just what I need...a stalker!

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Tonight was an out of control merry go round inside my head. When I got home this evening Manny was acting all wacky again chasing some imaginary creature around the house. It was totally like she was stalking a mouse. I mean if she actually was, I would have stopped her, but she was chasing NOTHING, almost tripping me as soon as I stepped inside. I couldnt get her to stop at all. I tried calling her name and even picked her up for a moment, but she freaked out in my arms, returning into pursuing her invisible prey. Im completely getting worried about her. This is the second day shes been acting bizarro. In fact she's still doing it now, driving me crazy! I don't know what to do to calm her down at all. I've tried everything including trying to play with her and catnip. It has me completely freaked out. I mean driving home after dropping everyone off after the funeral, I couldn't help but think about what I would do if Manny was gone so I was pretty excited just to see her. I figured since I didn't have any homework tonight Manny and could just snuggle and watch TV. FAT CHANCE! If this keeps up, I simply have to take her to the vet. She's totally kitty delusional.

It was almost impossible to talk to Aunt Minnie when she called a while after I got back from Moo Cow's memorial, Manny leaping and pouncing everywhere, distracting me. I'm not even sure I even remember what we talked about. I think I just went "uh huh" a lot, pretending I was listening. All I can say for sure is that one of Aunt Minnie's best workers, Ocean, quit and she replaced him already with some new person who she gave her a good feeling. I was sort of sad I couldn't really talk to her, but completelyr relieved when she hung up so I could try and calm down Manny again.

Of course, fate kicking my fanny for fun, as soon as I thought I almost had Manny under control, Ray called, giving Manny just the opportunity she was looking for to escape me again and chasing after whatever is driving her nuts. I tried a little harder to concentrate on what Ray was saying, blocking out Manny's shenanigans. ;-) At first I thought he was just calling about setting up practice for Friday after school, but then he awkardly changed the subject to our "date" tomorrow night. It was cute how he tried to find out if I still wanted to do something. He said he would pick me up here at 7:00 pm. He figured we could just hang out or something. I hope I didn't scare him too much when I told him I had to hang up after I heard some break in the kitchen. It was sort of abrupt, but what could I do? As soon as I got to the kitchen, I almost cut my bare feet on the all of the broken dishes Manny had accidentally shoved off the counter. I was beyond furious. I was also more than worried.

I was totally crying when I called Cheryl to ask her what I should do. She certainly pulled through, though. She came over in like fifteen minutes with a plan! Out of her purse she grabbed a bottle of her mom's valium perscription she'd borrowed from the medicine cabinet. She broke one of the pills in half and gave it to me to give to Manny. I was sort of hesitant, but Cheryl convinced me it would be OK. I trust her. She always was better at science stuff than I was. A half hour later we finally caught Manny. I had to hold her so she didn't scratch Cherly while she tried to force the pill down her throat. I thought Cheryl was going to kill Manny when she snagged her sweater with her claws. Fifteen minutes after that Manny was completely passed out. I don't know what I would have done with Cheryl!

Since she was already over and it was getting late, Cheryl called her parents to tell them she was staying over here. Tonight has become a slumber party two, me, Cheryl, snoring Manny, the TV and a bunch of munchies. Maybe I should say snoring Cheryl too, since she's asleep now, too. You know what? I think Cheryl has the right idea. It's time for me to do that too. Cross your fingers that Manny is saner tomorrow. Oh yeah, and you won't believe this. Cheryl says she has a CRUSH on BRETT! Now I have heard it all. On to tomorrow! I have to make up my two hours at Jubilee Cafe after school since I had to skip today and then my "date" with Ray. *A very tired hug*

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Omigawd, Moo Cow's funeral was SO strange and in a really pathetic kind of way SO sad too. It's been really wet and really cold here all day long. So I picked everyone up in my Beetle after school and made everyone, especially Chris, sit on black plastic garbage bags with the excuse that it was because I didn't want my seats to get wet, instead of the truth that I didn't want Chris's dirty ass sitting directly on my seats. LOL I'm evil. We got to the place where Moo Cow was to be buried, which was just a field kind of away from Lawrence. Chris said he couldn't afford the proper burial Moo Cow deserved in a real pet cemetary with a real cat coffin. *tears up* I can totally sympathize with that. If Manny were to die on me I know I'd want the best for her too. Chris was a mess. He didn't even bring along Mr. Patches. I swear I think he started crying sobbing like four or five times on the way there alone. Of course he was drunk which probably didn't help things at all. Even though he's a total creep his real outpouring of sadness affected me in a major way. It was hard to see driving to the burial site and not because of the rain, which did totally suck. Ray didn't really say anything at all, but I think I could tell he was a little sad (probably because of his grandfather), or maybe just frustrated. Patrick on the other hand was being a real dickhead, trying to hold back his laughter as Chris told us stories about Moo Cow between sobs. Granted, the stories were either of the stupid or disgusting variety, but he was in real pain for fuck's sake and that was NOT the time to laugh about it.

When we got to the field I was kind of shocked when Chris handed each of us a spade. I guess I was kind of expecting the hole to already be dug, but I guess Chris had no real way to get out there so expecting that didn't make much sense. Patrick kind of muttered something like 'fuck this' but I must have given him the most evil stare in the world because he didn't walk away like his body language was threatening to do. So we all crouched down in the rain and dug a little grave for Moo Cow. lol I even bumped my head on Ray's really hard and have a little knot from it. Chris was a total mess. He got out this crazy eulogy poem he wrote and read it over the grave after he put the cat, which was wrapped in newspaper, into the grave. Gawd, I can't even remember the poem very well because I was overcome with the smell of something dead nearby, probably in the woods. I thought I was going to faint!

I snapped out of my haze when Chris finished his eulogy, poured whiskey on the grave and then FELL DOWN ONTO IT, CRYING! He was trying to crawl into the grave with Moo Cow! But the grave was only big enough for a cat so it was this totally absurd scene where it looked like he was trying to press his head into the hole we dug. GROSS!!! Gawd was he ever drunk. Ray and me dragged him off the grave and he just kind of sat against a tree for a few minutes, staring into space. (I guess maybe the stories this guy tells are true after all if he'd do something insane and disgusting like that.) The three of us were by this time completely covered in mud (*sighs of relief over thinking to put plastic on the car seats*). Finally Chris got up and totally without emotion asked us to say our words so we could finish up and leave.

I got stuck with going first. I hadn't prepared anything, I didn't even know the cat! Ugh. So I just kind of winged it and talked about how special the cat was and shit like that. 'Moo Cow's brief presence in my life will undoubtedly leave a lasting mark.' Yeah, on my leg where it scratched me! LOL I had no idea what to say! So I just made stuff up. I'm so bad. 'Moo Cow was the kind of cat whose example a human can live by.' My gibberish made no sense and I could tell Patrick was finding it really humorous. I kind of trailed off and let Ray take it up. He opted for the 'talk to the animal' kind of approach, lol. His speech was really short and kind of like...

'Moo Cow, I know you're in a better place now (ouch, pointed remark there!). We have no reason to be sad for we will one day join you again in heaven. And you have no reason to be sad for you are sure to find endless loving people to care for you, perhaps even my grandfather. Chris has not lost a close friend, the reunion has only been delayed by a few years.'

At which point he started to tear up, obviously because he was thinking of his grandfather. It was so sad. *holds back tears* Then it was Patrick's turn, which I dreaded since he seemed to think the whole thing was so funny. I think he knew better than to crack jokes and just stepped to the edge of the grave and said something like, 'fare thee well' or something. I breathed an internal sigh of relief that it didn't turn into any more of a spectacle than it already was.

Everyone was really quiet in the car on the way home. Chris fell alseep, or passed out is more like it, and Ray and Patrick just kind of stared out of their windows. Blech. When Chris was getting out of the car he made brief mention of the breeding idea again. No way!

*looks around furtively* OK, I'm getting a little nervous about this date with Ray tommorrow. He didn't make any mention of it at all at yesterday's practice. LOL I guess I should be relieved about that since I was all worried about how Patrick would react (he IS my former boyfriend after all, even if it was like two years ago). Gawd, I hope he hasn't forgotten! I would be pissed!!! Um...sorry, that was kind of gross and tasteless. LOL But maybe he really did forget? Maybe he only asked in a moment of distress over losing his grandfather and he doesn't really normally have any interest in me. Ack! How am I supposed to know? Am I supposed to know? *deep sigh, stop fretting Erin* What do they call that when you get all frantic like that, something like neurosis right? I'm totally neurosistic! =-P

I always used to think crows were pretty cool, (but definately not in some kind of GOTH way or anything, so just dispel such miffs from your mind right now). But this crow that keeps hanging around my house is really starting to annoy the shit out of me! I kept waking up WAY earlier than I needed to this morning because it was throwing pebbles at the window. GRRRRRR!!! And as if that wasn't bad enough when I left the house there was bird poop all over my windshield and I'm totally sure it was this nuisance. Don't crows have better things to do than bother a high school girl? And on top of all that I haven't been hearing the tapping on my window like I normally would in the past (except for this morning of course). I think the crow is scaring my faerie friends away!!! How can I get rid of this crow? I'm in a real dilemma. Faeries don't believe in killing things unnecesarily so I can't just borrow a pellet gun from someone or something like that because then the faeries would never come near me again. And I can't just let it keep hanging around annoying me constantly because that way the faeries will never come around again too. So what do I do? )c: I wouldn't be surprised if this bird is a faerie giving me some kind of test to see if I'm truly worthy of communing with the little folk like my grandfather was. *sigh.* I just have to think of what the right thing to do is.

What kind of world is our country coming to? Believe it or not I'm more than semi-aware of what's going on in the world and actually care about it even. This sniper thing over in Virginia and D.C. is really creepy and it makes me worry. I mean, how long would it take for this sniper to drive to Lawrence? Don't laugh, he's going for the element of surprise here and nobody would expect him to show up in Kansas and start his thing while everyone's looking for him in Maryland and Virginia! So today I was hearing about this called 'fingerprinting guns', which means that they would make every barrel of every gun different so when a bullet comes out it can be identified by the unique marks on it. This seems like a totally good idea since apparently we can't get rid of all guns altogether because of big powerful groups like the NRA, which is single-handedly killing millions of children (talk about a real terrorist organization!). Here's where things get all confusing to me. I thought President Bush and his gang of white house squatters would support everything along the lines of whatever the NRA wanted since the Republicans are in the NRA's pockets. But Bush has said he'd support this fingerprinting thing. Wierd, right? And then in all these Senator races nobody is making guns any kind of issue at all. So, the Democrats haven't really said anything about the fingerprinting thing and the ones that have spoken up seem like they're against it because they're afraid the government will use it...somehow negative, I can't even think how. Sooooooo then, what the fuck? Should I support this or what? It's totally crazy, it's all like the political parties are totally on opposite sides of what you'd expec and stuff. If I was more cynical I'd begin to think neither political party stands for anything they believe in but only support or oppose things based on how much it will personally help them. )c: Gawd, I don't want to think that. How would I ever know what party to support in anything? Sadly it looks like political parties might be kind of like the Catholic church. Insane, totally insane. And people get upset when I believe in faeries? WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! *sigh*

OFFICIAL BUSINESS:I did another archive thing as you may have noticed if I did it right. I'm kind of getting the hang of all this blog stuff a little bit more. Even so I always get a little nervous whenever I do the archive thing because if there was anyone that could mess it up it would be me. *finishes entry trying her best not to mess it all up like an infected hunk of beef messing up a dinner party*

*hugs & handshakes*