Wednesday, October 16, 2002

*takes a bow* I am so finally done. Well, at least, I've done what I could. If anything good about it can said, all the words are spelled right and I don't think I made any humungous grammatical blunders. Manny's even sort of calmed down. She's still being a nuisance, though, sitting on my feet licking her paws. All signs suggest that now must be the exactly right moment for me to crawl into bed and black-out until tomorrow morning. Tomorrow should be pretty free for me, except for the funeral. I don't see how that could last very long. Good night! *Hugs*

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

Some prank caller just called and said in a low voice, "Crickets are the hidden nosehairs of the Goddess..." Or at least that's what I think he said. What is that supposed to mean anyway? I must have completely got what he said wrong, not that it matters. What matters is that people shouldn't be doing stuff like that. It creeps me out. :-( I mean normally I don't get scared being alone here all the time, but stuff like that just makes me all paranoid and it doesn't help that Manny is still chasing her imaginary whatever all around the house. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FINISH THIS PAPER?! "Focus, Erin," I say to myself looking over both shoulders. Besides, I bet it was just Brett or Patrick or something just trying to mess with me. I'm also pretty sure whoever it was they couldn't have said, "Crickets are the hidden nosehairs of the Goddess..." How lame is it to make a prank phonecall and not even be able to make yourself understandable? Dumb dumb dumb dumb. Nice try, stupid. *Another hug, eyes bloodshot from staring at the computer monitor*

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Pseudo-practice was a total drag. Ray had written all these notes down and went through our show song by song. I don't think I would have survived the complete tedium if Patrick hadn't kept making jokes. Ray seemed to take it well, which kind of surprised me. Usually, he blows his top like a volcano if anyone dares to tease him. I'm amazed Chris is still in the band after all the jokes he's made about Ray to Ray's face. I guess everything was OK since we did kill the Gluons. We only actually played two songs at practice, one's we'd messed up at the show. I have to admit Chris was pretty funny. He kept going on about how none of Ray's "diagrams and shit" mattered. As far as Chris was concerned, the fact that he went home with that girl, Samantha, was proof that "we kicked out the jams, mofo." Before coming to practice I was a little bit worried that Chris would be too much to deal with since Moo Cow had died. I could just imagine how horrible it would be with Chris going on and on. I was beyond relieved when I got to there, surprised to see Chris had even showed up early, a new calico kitten under his arm. He said his kitten's name was Mr. Patches and he was going to make sure nothing ever happened to him. At the end of practice he invited us all to go to Moo Cow's funeral, which was going to be around 3:30 tomorrow. Even though I don't think any of us really wanted to go, we all agreed to it. We decided we could just carpool in my Beetle right after schooI. Of course I about died when he said it would be great when each of us made a little speech about Moo Cow at his funeral. Double yikes! Maybe even triple yikes when Patrick's face turned bright red with him trying to not laugh out loud and Chris noticed. Luckily Patrick deflected Chris by pretending he was having an asthma attack, even though he doesn't even have asthma. God, Ray and I almost started giggling then, Patrick was so hilarious. :-)

*furrows brow and squints eyes* I'm still not done with my paper. Every time I look it over, more stuff pops up and bothers me. If it isn't some dumb spelling mistake then it's some atrocious sentence. Fitting everything I want to say into two pages is impossible! Manny isn't helping either running around the room like she's chasing something. She is acting so crazy! It definitely doesn't help me concentrate. Uggggh! I will never finish it. I am doomed. If I'm not completely cursed by this paper, maybe I will write a little bit more before heading off to bed. I have a feeling this going to a late night. *a distracted hug as I watch Manny bat at something I can't see*

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

*eek!* I'm scurrying desperately to write my paper on The Castle for tomorrow! It only has to be two pages long and I guess I put it off until the absolute last minute thinking I could write a measly two pages in no time. Well, I was WRONG of course! lol Anyway, when I finish it I think I'll hold off on posting it here even though I said I would. I'd kind of like to see what kind of grade I get on it before I potentially embarrass myself by posting it here, even though I'm sure I probably completely embarrass myself here almost every day. It's crazy, I have no trouble filling up two pages in my blog thing here but when it comes time to make myself write something, it's all so much harder. Crazy. Of course I try to write better and not just totally wander like I do here. But still. Know what I mean? =-P

I haven't really started on A Clockwork Orange yet, but it does sound interesting from the back cover and the little bit of the introduction I read. Of course, those things are designed to make any book sound interesting, probably even something like a book about a weatherman's career or some kind of book on some whacko thing like living by absorbing energy from the air and turning the fucked up idea into some kind of religion!!! (Ahem, that's a reference to Remner in case you weren't able to pick up on the complete obviousness there, lol.) (c: Um...I'm rambling aren't I? *disciplines self and sits up straight*

I actually briefly saw Julian today in the hall. Even in the same school it's like we're in two vastly different worlds. He has like every class I don't and vice versa, it's wierd. I mean, I've seen him before of course, but I tend not to notice complete strangers too much. We just did the normal, stupid routine where we said 'hi, how are you' blah blah blah, lol. Then he wanted to know if I wanted to get together with him sometime. *sigh* He asked before but I was dating Brandan then and I had to turn him down even though it would have been kind of nice. So when I told him all about that yesterday I guess he figured here was another opportunity or whatever. It's so wierd how many people have been asking me out lately! This never happens to me and then all of a sudden it's happening all at once. I said sure even though I've got a date with Ray too because it's not like we're dating or anything. LOL When he was walking away I noticed he had two completely different colored socks on! Gawd, I'd hate to think they all thought I was some kind of slut or something, because I'm not. Of course I have to take the totally complimentary reactions from people and just pervert it all up! LOL *sighs*

OK, I've got to go now. I've totally wasted time I should have been using to write this Kafka paper and now I have to head off to practice. Ugh. I'm kind of nervous about how Patrick will react if he finds out I'm going on a date with Ray Thursday. =-| It'll all be OK probably, but I guess I never can tell with Patrick. OK, bye! I hate to cut it short. Um...I guess it's not very short, but I hate to cut it um...whatever. Shorter than it would have been.

*hugs*

Monday, October 14, 2002

Jubilee Cafe today was so kind of really weird but totally cool at the same time. It's hard to explain. I guess part of it is I like being around Julian so much. He actually seemed interested in what happened Saturday, unlike when I told Cheryl. She only seemed interested in the Gluons and Brett which is goofy since they aren't even her style of music. Cheryl mostly listens to classical music, which is alright sometimes I guess. Julian, I found out, prefers music made before 1942, though there a few things he likes after that like some guy named Hasil Atkins. It was just cool to hang out with, setting up tables and all that.

Joe was his normal strange self today when he came in the cafe. He asked me if I still had the rock. When I pulled it out of my pocket and showed him, I told him it helped me Saturday. He let out a big laugh and jumped up and down three times. Then he got all serious, looking me straight in the eyes and saying something like, "Hold on tight. I see what." What a big lovable goof! So, yeah, Jubilee Cafe was pretty fun, but I was glad to finally go home after my two hours. =) I think I'm still residually tired from everything that's happened late. I need more time to baste my brain in private.

The last thing I expected when I got back, though, was a message on the answering machine from Brandan. My stomach winced as soon as I heard his voice. By the end of the message I jumped up and down just like Joe did. Brandan had been released because they couldn't make any possession charges stick since he had eaten the weed. Also, I guess some other stuff had been messed up too like forgetting to read him his rights or something. The best part was that he was calling to say goodbye because he was moving back to live with his parents in Kansas City. You don't know how relieved I was hearing that!I so squealed in joy! Now if he would only take Sir Dan Dumbo Duh with him. :^)

Other than that, it's just been so nice to just be in the house with just Manny. I am so in lounge mode right now without a care in the world. I locked up all my problems in the closet beforehand. LOL. Seriously, though, this is the first time I've even really had to read Grandfather's journals since Aunt Minnie left. I've been trying to make sense of the Pooka story again, which I so mangled last time. I think I've finally have the times and events right, though. I don't where my dumb brain was last time. Probably grumbling about Aunt Minnie, if you really have to know. LOL. I almost forgot. Aunt Minnie called this evening, too. We didn't chat for long, but she said she's doing better. I guess it was good thing she went back when she did because I guess Thyme was completely making a mess of the health food store. Aunt Minnie says Thyme is really good with people but always makes a mess of the details like deliveries and junk like that.

That's enough of me for now. I need to drape myself across the couch again and watch TV, my brain cells dying in such a satisfying way. Tomorrow shouldn't be too busy either. I have band practice, but Ray said we were mostly going to just talk about Saturday and run through a few songs. No big deal (or so Ray said . . . we'll see). *Strafes everyone with hugs*

Monday, October 14, 2002

*humming faerie tune* I found a song in one of my grandfather's journals that was passed on to him by the faeries. He promised not to pass it on, and I guess technically he obeyed their rule thingie, but I guess in yet another way he DID pass it on after all. lol Since he's long dead (*sigh*) I don't think they'll mind and they didn't tell me not to pass it along, did they? Anyway, it's only the lyrics, which are kind of uninspiring. Everything I've read in my grandfather's journals says it's the actual music which has the real power and stunning beauty to it. So...

I am the wind which breathes upon the sea,
I am the wave of the ocean,
I am the murmur of the billows,
I am the ox of the seven combats,
I am the vulture upon the rocks,
I am a beam of the sun,
I am the fairest of plants,
I am a wild boar in valout,
I am a salmon in the water,
I am a lake in the plain,
I am a word of science,
I am the point of the lance of battle,
I am the god who creates in the head the fire.
Who is it who throws light into the meeting on the mountain?
Who announces the ages of the moon?
Who teaches the place where couches the sun?

LOL Of course I don't really get all of it and in the journal grandfather says it's only a very loose translation from their 'tongue'. Even so watered down like this it's beautiful isn't it? It's our language that imposes a kind of ugliness to it. I can't even imagine what it would have sounded like! *sighs dreamily*

Gwynn's even worse now than when she was hanging around North in school. Since he got the big boot she's been moping around all by herself, eating lunch by herself, and stuff like that. *fingers crossed* Maybe her loneliness will overcome her fear that I'll reject her like she rejected us and she'll come back to being my friend again. :- I guess I'm not holding out much hope of that at this point. I'm a dreamer though and dreaming is what I'll do. LOL

So, our new literature book is A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. *whoo!* Finally one there's a movie about, a movie I've even seen. LOL I was totally expecting a real suckfest new syllabus from Mr. Callahan but so far it's OK with me. (c: I still haven't finished Lolita which, if you remember, I picked up on my own after finding out we wouldn't be reading for class. I guess I'll be putting it off for a while longer. Oh well.

Tonight is my shift at the Jubilee Cafe. I'm kind of excited but kind of not wanting to go so bad because I'm still pooped from Sunday. I guess I'm kind of revved though too. Winning like that gave me alot of energy I definately needed. *imagines hunky male nurses rushing to inject me with glowing syringes of energy* LOL OK, it probably wouldn't ever happen like that. ;-) I did say I was a dreamer didn't I?

Anyway, I think I'm going to rent A Clockwork Orange, which was directed by that famous director guy whose name I just can't remember. *shhhhh* Don't tell Mr. Callahan. lol

On the GROSS! front, which means it involves Chris, he called today and wanted to know if I was interested in breeding Manny because he wants a new kitten really bad and just happened to come up with a money-making idea of breeding a bunch of cats and selling them to people or if that didn't work Chinese restaurants! Ugh. I can only hope he was joking about that last part. And if he wasn't I can only hope no Chinese restaurants would take him up on the offer. I mean, that's so stereotypical and racist. )c:

So now I have Remner calling me several times a day, even while I'm in school. Where is this guy's head? In clouds of doobie smoke, that's where, lol. I wish he'd just leave me alone! Today he was calling wanting to know since me and Brandan had split if maybe I was interested in going on a date with him!!! Blech. I made the mistake of picking up the phone once and he promptly assured me he wouldn't try anything because of his new religion. Then he went into a spiel about the Breatharians which is just COMPLETELY INSANE!!! G-d, what the fuck? INSANE!!! I'm just kind of speechless what crazy philosophies people come up with.

Ray called too, even though there's no practice. I think he's kind of lonely, even though I guess it wasn't like he saw his grandfather all the time or anything. Still, I can totally sympathize what with my mom disappearing like she did and everything. He asked me on a date too! What, am I suddenly a hot commodety or something? LOL As if. I accepted though. Sure, he's kind of cold, or maybe really cold. But he's not really a bad guy and he's definately reliable and he's not gorgeous but he's not ugly either. I don't know, we'll see how it goes. We're going out on Thursday, he said he's taking care of the arrangements. I don't know how to feel about that! Safe or nervous? LOL Not sure with this guy. We could be going to a Star Trek convention or something really cool for all I know, lol. *Eek!*

*hugs*

Monday, October 14, 2002

LOL So I found out why Brandan was still in jail. Gawd, maybe I shouldn't find this so funny but...it's just so damn funny! I guess when the cops came to shut him the hell up he was afraid they would search his car so he ran to it as they were pulling up and he tried to eat some marijuana he had in his glove box!!! Gawd, what an idiot. I mean, I understand why he wouldn't want to get all caught with marijuana and stuff but he should have known better than to bring it with him when he HAD to know he was risking getting the police called on him. Like I said, that stuff will kill your ability to think. Dope makes you dopey. =-P So Sir Dan Sir Dan totally harrassing me that way didn't make much sense either. Like I would have enough money to get Brandan out on a 10,000$ bond! Puh-leaze. And as if his EX-girlfriend would even want to do such a thing???

OK, enough with calling him Sir Dan Sir Dan, that's just fucking stupid. When REMNER called today I guess he had a change of heart after the whacked out scene he caused last night. He said he's giving up the drugs and he's found God. LOL It only took one night in prison for his 'miraculous transformation' to happen! I don't know why I even go on talking to these people. Honestly. *sigh*

I've been working hard on my paper about the symbolic theme of pregnancy in Kafka's The Castle. It's due Wednesday, but tomorrow we have to have a 'prospectus' with a good idea of what we're hoping to accomplish with this paper. Also we get our new book asigned to us tomorrow, which should be just thrilling. *sarcasm* Mr. Callahan is a gillion times more bland than Mr. Robbs was and Mr. Robbs had us reading dull stuff. I don't see why Mr. Callahan has to change the syllabus at all, but like little Christians Mr. 'GOD' Callahan knows best and us sheep aren't allowed to question anything. Anyway, if I'm going to keep in GOD's good graces I need to get some sleep now!

*hugs*

Sunday, October 13, 2002

I can't believe I woke up only two hours a go! Last night totally wiped me out. I finally got out of bed when Manny jumped on top of me and started kneeding her claws on my claws. OUCH! When I got to Mongo's last night Ray and Patrick had just arrived in Ray's parents' mini-van, the whole thing loaded up with equipment. I guess to be honest, really mostly all of Ray's gadgets and machines he uses with barely enough room left over for Patrick and Chris' gear. The first thing Ray said to me was to ask where Chris was, who had said he had his own ride. At practice Chris also had told us he might be a little late because he still had to find someone to babysit Moo Cow. How ridiculous is that? I mean, I love Manny, but a cat certainly doesn't need someone to watch over it while it's owner is gone. LOL. Anway, Patrick and I decided to go inside and check out what was going on since Ray wanted to stay with all the stuff until it was our turn to embarrass ourselves play. At the door this girl dressed up like some flannel clad prostitute gave each of us a ballot with all the bands playing typed up on it. I guess we were supposed to vote or something while watch everyone play, the final tally counted being who won. The Uldras looked like they were second to last, the Gluons in the final position on the bill. I just know Brett had a hand in putting us right before him. I can just imagine him thinking that we would suck so bad it would make his band look even better. What a dick! >:-/.

Since it was around 9:30, not very many people had showed up yet. Brett, Matthew and the rest of the Gluons were already there. I don't know what came over me, but I marched right over to Brett and slapped him in the face for setting up the Uldras. Matthew immediately jumped in between us, trying to stop me from further kicking Brett's lame ass. Patrick just stood off from us smirking. Brett was completely pissed off, screaming for an explanation. When I told him, he calmed down and just laughed at me, making me even madder. He is so lucky Matthew was protecting him because I could have murdered him right there and then. After Brett left Matthew made me sit down and explain what was going on. When I told him, he shook his head completely sadly. He told me that Brett was actually trying to be nice by offering us a slot during the Battle Of Bands. He knew we didn't always get along very well, but Brett would never do anything that mean to me. I felt so ashamed after Matthew's lecture. I completely ate my pride and found Brett, apologizing to him. I told him I'd been out of sorts this week since breaking up with Brandan. Matthew was so sweet and understanding. He even gave me a hug! *sigh*

After that I just sort of hung out with Patrick until the first band, Penile System, started. Every once in a while we'd go out and check on Ray, who sat in the mini-van scribbling notes about who knows what. We were all getting so freaked out about Chris not showing up yet, too. I mean, gosh, I was already a nervous wreck waiting for our turn up on the stage. I also felt really guilty about slapping Brett, even though Brett pulled me aside and we talked for a while, everything OK again.

Do I have to talk about Penile System? They were so terrible! They were completely a Cocknoose tribute band. I remember when Patrick was so into Cocknoose a few years a go. Cocknoose sounds like a bunch of little boys thinking they are being so naughty and shocking when they are just beyond dumb. I so regret they are from here. Penile System was worse than Cocknoose, though. I mean, at least Cocknoose could sort of play. I don't think Penile System even knew what they were doing. They just wanted to upset everyone and they tried really hard, but no one was bothered by them in the slightest. The lead singer, some guy named Jeremy, ended their set by screaming profanities at everyone and storming off the stage like a little baby having a temper tantrum. I think they may have been drinking too much, too.

While the next band, Javelins, set up, Patrick and I looked high and low for Chris, hoping he had showed up finally. I went outside to ask Ray if he had seen him yet, but he hadn't. Ray looked really worried. I totally understand what he was feeling. Chris may be an absolute jerk, but his bass playing completely holds the Uldras' songs together. I decided after that to walk around the block to see if I could spot him. I didn't think I would, but I did. He was sitting on the curb with his hands on his face crying. I so didn't want to have to ask him what was the wrong. Ick! I guess I want to be a saint or something, though, because I did sit down next to him and ask him. I could barely make out what was wrong in between his sobbing. When I put it all together like trying to solve the most difficult calculus problem ever, I was pretty horrified and felt terrible for poor Chris. I guess Chris sleeps on a hideaway bed in studio. Thinking Moo Cow was in the kitchen eating her food, Chris folded it up without checking for her. Poor Chris. Moo Cow was completely on the bed hiding underneath the covers. When he closed it, he crushed her head. No wonder Chris was so messed up. Plus, the Uldras were doomed if Chris couldn't pull himself together and play. Against my better judgement, I dragged him back to the club and then asked Brett if he had any beer or something for Chris to drink. I figured if I got Chris sort of drunk he could forget about Moo Cow for the moment and be able to play. Brett was glad to help, passing a plastic bottle of whiskey to Chris. Uggggh! I felt so sick to my stomach thinking about how everything that could go wrong was going wrong.

The next band, Javelins, were kind f good in sort of a generic Bright Eyes way. Still, I don't really like Bright Eyes very much anymore, so I didn't like Javelins either. They weren't bad or anything. They were just sort of whiney and maybe fake sensitive like Brandan. I swear everyone in the band must have been like fifteen or something. They were like a bunch of band geeks trying to play rock or whatever it was they were trying to do. One of their songs was nice though. I think it was called "Peripheral Decision." In the end they probably were just as bad as the Uldras are in that just starting out way. They might have potential, though, unlike my bad band. They just need to sell all their Bright Eyes records. LOL.

By the time they were done, Chris was getting pretty tipsy. Unfortunately, he was even more sad about Moo Cow, stopping every person that passed him to tell them what happened. One girl, though, seemed to be really interested. They were still talking when the next band started. I can't believe anyone would be like attracted to Chris! I couldn't believe she was like touching his arm and stuff, acting really concerned. She even gave him a really long hug. GAG!

I was pretty impressed by Midget Submarine. Since Cletus had given me that Swell Maps record, I knew they were sort of copying them. I mean "Midget Submarines" is a Swell Maps song after all. Still, unlike the previous two copycats, Midget Submarine sort of did something new with what they were in to. I don't know if I can describe what they did, though. I haven't really heard enough music to really do them justice. Anything I would say would just sound stupid. Then again, if you read this blog, you probably already think I'm hopeless. I guess they sort of sounded like if Swell Maps and someone like Otis Redding had a baby. The baby, I guess, would be Midget Submarine. Their song "The Livid Scenery" was soooo good! I even bought their tape after they were done playing. I haven't listened to it yet so I don't know if it's any good. Of course, them finishing also meant that after the next band the Uldras were up. My stomach almost jumped out my belly.

After buying my tape, Chris, Patrick and I went out to the mini-van to start bringing our stuff in. I practically had to drag Chris away from that girl. He'd pretty much finished the bottle of whiskey and was telling all of his dumb stories to her. She'd seemed to enjoy them, though, making me suspect she probably had mental problems like Chris. Ray was totally asleep in the mini-van. After knocking on the window like a trillion times, he finally woke up. We finally got everything inside of Mongo's by the time the band on stage was halfway through their set. I was so queasy waiting for us to set and play I can't really saw what the band sounded like or even what they were called. The crowd didn't seem to like them much, though. Everyone was just talking to each other totally loud. Chris completely made a bee line for that girl while we waited. I guess he wasn't thinking too much about Moo Cow anymore. I know, though, if something happened to Manny I wouldn't forget so easily.

When whatever they were called finished and took their stuff off the stage, Chris and Patrick got set up pretty quick. I wound up helping Ray get all his junk together, which took forever because he had to hook it all up and even resolder some wires. While doing that, I tried my hardest not to look down at the crowd. Every glimpse just made me want to flee in absolute terror. I almost wished Ray would never finish getting ready so I wouldn't have to sing in front of everyone. I so thought I was going to pass out when everyone was ready and Ray gave each of us a list of the order of the songs. When the lights went down, I was so paralyzed and probably would have permanently become a statue if Matthew hadn't hopped up on stage and wished me luck, telling me he knew I would do a good job. Matthew is so nice and considerate! =) So we started with "Unicorn Shuffles Round", but I had so much trouble keeping my singing together with what they were doing. I knew I was singing way faster than I should have been, but I couldn't slow down. I just wanted to get it over with and leave. In the middle of my song, I stuck my hands in my pockets like a giant dork girl. I'm glad I did because I starting clutching in my right hand the rock Joe had given me and it kind of made me feel more confident. I know it sounds weird. I told you I was silly. Though I can't remember much of the playing, everything seemed to go a lot smoother for me. I sort of forgot about the audience and pretended I was in Ray's garage. By the time we reached "Mushroom Circle," I was completely in the groove. I wasn't scared at all. I should have been, though, because everyone went haywire during "Mushroom Circle." I swear it wasn't our fault at all either! Near the end of the song a commotion started in the back of the audience followed by a lot of laughter. Like that Heston guy parting the Red Sea in that one movie, everyone sort of moved back as the naked guy painted in all these different colors walked up to the stage. We stopped playing wondering what happened until the man shouted up at us, "Erin Caruthers, hear me speak!" I almost died in embarrassment when I recognized Sir Dan Sir Dan. I so wanted to sink into the earth and never come out ever again. Ray ws really angry, but didn't move. Everyone was watching me and the naked lunatic. Sir Dan Sir Dan sort of looked around at the people and then back at me, getting down on one knee. In this totally drama geek voice he started pleading with me to save Brandan from "the horrible dungeon" he was "unjustly imprisoned in." He commanded me "to let my heart escape its chains to rescue the man who loved me". Thank god at that moment Matthew and Brett grabbed Sir Dan Sir Dan and dragged him away, tossing him out of Mongo's. Sir Dan Sir Dan didn't even resist. He was just went limp, screaming out over and over again, "For Brandan!" I was so upset I ran off the stage and out the back door.

Before the Gluons went on, Matthew went out back to find me. He told me it was OK. They'd disposed of the "hippy jerk." He even said he thought we'd done a really great job. He thought we sounded like we had been together a lot longer than we had. I felt a little better after that, but I didn't go back in the club until after the Gluons' finished playing. I'd tell you what they sounded like, but it was all muffled where I sat trying unsuccessfully to not cry.

I was a total mess when Patrick and Ray came out to find me. I was like the ugliest person ever, my face all red and puffy. It was completely confusing when they both hugged me and jumped up and down all excited. I really wasn't tracking what they were saying at all. The mouths were moving and sounds were coming out but it made no sense to me. When my poor brain start to clear, I finally understood they were telling me THE ULDRAS HAD WON THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS! I so didn't believe them until Brett and Matthew came out to congratulate us. Well at least Matthew did. Brett was completely Mr. Sulk Sulk, grumbling "good job" while Matthew shook our hands and patted us on the backs. I so pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. When we went back inside to receive our trophy (something with its Goodwill sticker still on it), the crowd totally cheered for us. I should say Patrick, Ray and I received the trophy because Chris had already left with that girl he was talking to. Matthew hung out with us for a while afterwards, but Brett went home. He seemed really angry.

Yikes! I got completely carried away with my entry today! I guess I'll have to leave the rest of the unimportant details for tomorrow because in fifteen minutes Angel is on. Wesley is so cute. Good thing nothing really happened today since I've bored the world with last night for so long. Still, can you believe it? WE BEAT THE GLUONS! I mean, we won the Battle of the Bands! And to makes things perfect, Sir Dan Sir Dan hasn't even bothered me today! YEAH! *Crushes everyone with the biggest hug ever!*

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Brett never said the show was some sort of battle of the bands. Imagine him leaving that out, but now everything is perfectly clear. I could strangle him. Maybe I should choke Ray and Patrick instead because they seemed to know, not that they ever said anything to me about it. When Ray first mentioned it, Chris didn't know either. He didn't seem very please with it, though. He made some sort of wisecrack about not being a race horse in junior high school. I didn't get his joke either. Other than that fun revealed fact, practice was an absolute mess. I had so much trouble getting in sync with the music because I was totally obsessing over playing tonight at 11:00. I could tell the others were really frustrated by me constantly and consistantly messing up. I could even remember half of the lyrics either. We are so doomed and God knows I am so going kick Brett's ass at Mongo's tonight. >:-/

One more thing: Sir Dan Sir Dan called at least seven times while I was at practice. On some of them he was even crying while he pleaded for me to give some money to bail out Brandan. I think it's just weird that Brandan is still in jail. I mean disturbing the peace is just a misdemeanor, right? Even if he annoys me, I hope he didn't do anything stupid after they arrested him because that's the only thing I can think could have happened that would cause him to still be there. At least Dad is gone. I don't know how I would have explained last night or Sir Dan Sir Dan's calls today.

I need to take a short nap now before getting ready for the show. Pray for me again. Uggggh. I think I'm going to put on the Swell Maps thing Cletus loaned me now. Maybe that will shake loose my head. Maybe "Don't Throw Ashtrays at Me!" will protect me somehow from the audience burning me like a mob of villagers chasing after a monster. *Shakey hug and a tremble*

Saturday, October 12, 2002

I have to get to practice! Sir Dan Sir Dan just called trying to scrape up bail money for Brandan. Whatever! I'm out of here with a full belly of butterflies to accompany me. At least I don't have to pick up Chris for the preshow practice. Wish me luck! I'm shaking already just thinking about tonight again.

Saturday, October 12, 2002

*pulling hair out* OK, I've tried to keep quiet about my extreme reservations about the Uldras' opening for the Gluons TONIGHT but I just can't anymore. I am nervous about this. REALLY, REALLY nervous. I keep fidgeting around the house, not really doing anything but just kind of moving things around and biting my nails. Blech. Even with Chris I just don't think we're ready. How long have we even been a band now? And none of us except Chris have even been in a band before. I just want to scream I'm so sure I'm going to totally screw up and get booed off the stage, which will just be fanatastic to Brett I'm sure. )c:

I tried going for a walk in the woods to calm me down but even that didn't work. I practically ran through the woods looking at trees trying to make myself wonder where the faeries are or how this branch or that bush or whatever look like this or that like I normally naturally wonder. Normally I can just soak up nature's beauty but when I try to force myself to do it it just doesn't work at all. Ugh. And now I'm starting to ramble. lol I apologize. I just needed to finally vent a little bit. I've been trying really hard to keep my nervousness under wraps, kind of like making myself forget about our gig tonight but now I'm to the point where I can't avoid it and it's too late to back out. *pulling hair out some more* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! :-@

OK, clearly I'm not going to be able to talk about anything besides this gig. I should cut this thing short. LOL If I wasn't complaining about how nervous I am I'd probably just be cutting on Brandan anyway. Not that he's undeserving of ridicule.

OK, I guess you'll get all the gorey details later, or maybe tomorrow if I get back too late. *crosses fingers* Now, what can I preoccupy myself with until I have to actually head to Mongo's? Maybe I'll just sit here and scream until it's time to go, lol. For once in recent times I wouldn't mind Brandan if he brought some of his drugs to calm me down! Um...that's just a joke.

*plants a pot of hugs*

Saturday, October 12, 2002

So like thirty minutes a go I woke up so scared I almost made a puddle in my bed. I was so asleep when this totally loud music started blaring from the street. All confused, I opened my window and looked outside where Brandan was being all dumb trying to recreate that scene from Say Anything where Jim Cusak or whatever his name is holding that boombox above his head. The only problem is that instead of that Peter Gabriel song, which I kind of still like in sort of a nostalgic way, Brandan woke up me and the whole neighborhood with some completely horrific Dave Matthews Band song. I think it might have been the one he mentioned in the letter he dropped off at the house today, but I don't know. Those Dave Matthews songs sound the same to me, all boring and stuff. Really, I was/am so tired all I could pick out was something like "So let us sleep outside tonight/ Lay down in the mother's arms/ For here we can rest safely." Was he trying to remind of the horrible camping trip? Like that would change my feelings. Someone must have called the police soon after he started tormenting me. Brandan looked really scared when the officers arrived, handcuffed him and shoved him into their car. I kind of feel guilty being a little bit happy that someone else got rid of Brandan so I didn't have to. God knows I'll probably be punished for feeling that way. Isn't that the way it always is? Back to sleep now . . . if I can. It's so hard after being woke up. Manny didn't seem to notice anything was going on. If only I could sleep like a rock like her.

Friday, October 11, 2002

I miss them so very much,
the light brush of their touch
with the moon high above
turning my heart to silver.
I know they are avoiding me.
If I were them I would flee.

Gone away today.
Tears in my way.
Gone without a say.

My eyes are so very heavy,
so hard to hold even open
from trying to sneak a peek
of what will not show itself.
In the dark I hand my head
hoping they have not fled.

Gone away today.
Tears in my way.
Gone without a say.

Don't they know I won't?
I would never hurt them.
I just want to be a friend.
I want to listen and nod.
Please come to me soon.
Please come this moon.

Gone away today.
Tears in my way.
Gone without a say.

I wrote that today at practice. Ray wrote this horribly heart wrenching song that almost made me cry. Even Chris was quiet for a change. Patrick just sat staring at his shoes when Ray first played it for us. Then he showed Chris and Patrick what they should do. He just asked me to come up with something. He said he knew he would like whatever it was because I hadn't disappointed him yet. Practice was just so sad. Ray was like shooting out rays of sadness, or maybe spreading pixie dust that just coated us all with his sadness from his grandfather dying. Gawd, the music just sort of squished my heart, letting out all my own fucked up stuff about Brandan and everything else. After we played the song a few more times, me just sort of having the words instantaneously, Chris just ruined everything by trying to make joke. We were all really quiet when he just chuckled, "Someone die or something?" I thought Ray was going to punch him, but Patrick sort of got in between them totally fast, faster than I have ever seen him move before. Luckily that sort of calmed stuff down again and we were able to make it through the rest of practice. We have one more tomorrow afternoon to go through everything one more time before our show tomorrow night. Ughhhh! I am so scared. It is going to be so hard being in front of people. I'm more used to making a fool out of myself before the small audience of my friends and family. LOL.

Driving Chris to his apartment after practice was terrible as usual. Chris is so insensitive. He kept saying mean things about Ray. Chris didn't see what the big deal was. He even said, "His grandpa was old anyway. Fuck, I've had plenty of friends die. Big deal." He then stroked Moo Cow's head and starting cooing to his kitten, "But I'll never let anything bad happen to you," over and over until I thought I was going go completely crazy. For once I wish Ray would just take the initiative and kick Chris out of the band like he did to poor Chip. I don't care how much Chris props up our songs.

I was so bummed out when I got home. I was even more bummed out when I saw that someone had put a letter in my mailbox and it was from Brandan. I just sort of crumpled it up in my hand, lumbering inside the house like a zombie girl who didn't even want to eat any brains. Of course my mood got totally worse when I saw a note from Dad on the kitchen table. He had to leave suddenly because of business. Boy was I frowning. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. :-(

After I made some macaroni and cheese in the microwave, I forced myself to read Brandan's note. I don't know why. I should have just thrown it away. It made me feel sort of sad. Not sad because we I had dumped him, but sort of sad because I have such terrible luck with boys. I think something must be wrong with me. I'm some sort of magnet for weird boys. Maybe I just settle for whomever shows interest in me. First Patrick and now Brandan. I guess I was just born to break hearts and frown about how pathetic I am afterwards. Maybe I'm just worried about the show tomorrow, too, letting it wig me out. I'm so scared it's probably poisoning everything else in my poor head. Also, Brandan's note was just so desperate. It was so sad because it was like he was trying to figure out what made me so mad but no matter what he couldn't figure it out. I may be clueless, but at least I'm not that bad. Maybe it's all the marijuana he smokes. I hear it really messes you up. I mean how not getting it is writing something like this:

Last night I sat on my prayer mat listening to Dave Matthews' "Love Lay Down". All I could think of was you, Erin. I always think of that song as our song. It was playing in Starbucks the first time I saw you. I can almost feel you here with me even as I write this and listen to the song over and over. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychic who is a friend of Sir Dan's. I hope she can help heal that which divides us.

Like Dave Matthews would ever be my song! What a dopey hippy boy! I guess I should blame myself. If I have to admit it, I just wanted a boyfriend and Brandan was nice, well, nice for a little while. It's not like he was cruel. He just was so spacey and didn't understand at all. Next time I just have to be more picky. I need to get to know the person better. Also, and I promise, I will never settle again EVER! I just can't deal with stuff like this very much at all. Especially everything that happened on the camping trip, some of it which I refuse to even put here. I mean do you really want to know about Sir Dan Sir Dan running naked screaming to the Goddess, his face painted some stupid color?

Sorry about all my corny thoughts tonight. I hope I'll shake it off. I have to for tomorrow night. Time for bed. I hope I can sleep. I don't think I've said anything, but the last few nights around this time some bird keeps cawing or something in the tree by my bedroom window. I wish it would shut up. Not only does it make it totally impossible to fall asleep, but if any faeries try to visit me I'm sure it scares them away. Even worse it reminds of that evil bird I dreamed about last week. Talk about giving me the complete shivers! At least I have Manny to protect me. No mean bird will ever get past my fierce kitty! >:-/ *Hugs*

Friday, October 11, 2002

OK, here's the deal with practice and all. I guess Ray's grandfather died and it was one of those sudden things where you kind of drop everything in shock and are just...gone. G-d, can I ever identify with that one! Patrick was supposed to tell everyone that practice would be cancelled but he somehow, incredibly, managed to forget!!! GRRRRRRR!!!! He remembered he forgot of course but didn't call after the fact because he knew he'd get an earful from me. OK, these things happen and I can even understand Patrick not wanting to cop up to his MONUMENTAL lapse of memory but I can't figure out how he could forget something so hugely, immensely important, especially since Ray's his best friend or something. If anyone should be able to understand that depth of forgetfulness it's me, lol. I was kind of pissed about being stranded at practice and most of all pissed because I then got stuck walking home with Chris. But, you know, life's just too short to stay pissed about such minor inconveniences. So, whatever. :- If Patrick was some kind of repeat offender or something then I'd have a pretty good reason to be pissed still, but he must have had something on his mind since he's not normally like that at all. So, *breathe in, breathe out* I let go of my anger... LOL Now I'm sounding like some kind of hippy with their new age mumbo jumbo and stuff! HELP! Good thing I got away from Brandan's negative influence or there might have been more damage, lol. So, of course we didn't have any practice last night either. Ray's back now and I guess he wants to have practice despite his grandfather's death, but it's going to be a late one and we're going to do it at Patrick's house, which makes total sense in my mind. I guess Ray was close to his grandfather, though I find it kind of hard to imagine Ray being emotionally close to anyone. *smacks forehead* I didn't mean that as a drugotory comment! REALLY! I really just can't imagine him being close to anyone is all. G-d, do I know how to stick my feet into my ears or what!? LOL *sigh* I never have any clue what to say when to someone going through a tough time (um, Gwynn is a good case in point). I have absolutely no clue what kind of situation I'll be walking into tonight. I'm just nervous I'll mess things up! Urgh.

*puts on sassy hat* Why are boys such whiny bitches and us girls always get the blame for being the ones that are that way? LOL But seriously, Brandan might as well be clawing at my empowered feet begging for me to come back to him. Ugh. Begging makes him seem so much more unattractive to me! The really bad thing is that he keeps calling over and over which only helps to make my Dad very suspicious. Then that just pisses me off more and more but Brandan does NOT seem to be able to take a hint at all. I finally stopped answering his calls altogether and so now his freakin bizarre hippy friend 'Sir Dan Sir Dan' has kind of stepped in as mediator. I'm like a freako bizarro magnet or something, lol! I met with Sir Dan Sir Dan at the Book and Bean, which is another coffee shop since obviously I can't go to Starbucks anymore )c:. I listened to Sir Dan Sir Dan read this sappy letter Brandan wrote. Blech. He put alot of heart into it, I'm sure. Sir Dan Sir Dan actually started to cry near the end!!! LOL G-d, and then he said 'that was really touching' along with something like 'it's killing my mind you two being splits like this, you two were meant for each other 'cause you're like the yin and the yang' and 'I knew you two were spiritual partners, it's tragic to see you two break that bond'. Yeah yeah, blah blah blah. Can you tell I have very little sympathy for whatever Brandan and Sir Dan Sir Dan are going through? LOL Come on! Sir Dan Sir Dan kept talking like we were all a close group and it's like losing a member of his family or something when we only actually met ONE TIME! And Brandan's very heartfelt rambling means nothing to me. He keeps apologizing for making me angry at him but he never apologizes for wronging me so badly. He can't seem to tell the difference at all. And when I point this out to him he starts making excuses trying to say how he thought the drug incident would 'bring us closer together spiritually' and on and on...and on. >:-( They're both morons, plain and simple. I'm a moron too, not just for going out with Brandan in the first place, but I'm not THAT big of a moron! *super deep sigh*

The most refreshing thing this entire week, even over skipping school, was working at Jubilee Cafe yesterday. I always feel good about myself when I'm working there, like I might actually be doing something good for somebody out there. Of course that's probably just me being self-centered and making a big deal of myself to myself about how great and everything I must be when actually this community service thing is a requirement for the Honors Society and I probably wouldn't ever do anyhting like this on my own. Ugh. If I could just not ruin everything by starting to think! LOL Anyway, it was so great to talk to Julian after all the stupid bullshit nonsense with Brandan and his little cronie with the stupid ass name. *Yikes* I need to tone it down! I'm being awfully pessimistic. Julian replaces some of my faith in mankind just when it's sorely lacking! We don't have alot in common and yet I manage to get along with him really well. (c: And Joe was there getting dinner. I carry around that rock he gave me and whenever I notice in my backpack or feel it in my pocket I think of him and it makes me smile. Today he got a very serious look on his face and told me how I shouldn't worry and that it's good and that I'm good and then he got a big smile and shrugged. I don't really ever quite know what he means but he's convincing! lol I just shrugged too and that made him laugh. I wish I could be more like Joe. He's homeless, probably cold at night, probably has a miserable life by all accounts and yet he's such a happy person. I don't mean optimistic happy, just happy happy. LOL, I don't know if that makes any sense or not. He carries around his own satisfaction or something. When he seems sad it's like sad is a kind of happy. I don't know how to explain it. You probably think I'm completely crazy. Well...8-P

OK, thinking about Jubilee Cafe and Julian and Joe has definately cheered me up. I'm not even going to bother with the stupid school nonsense. Let me just say that a Gwynn that hates me is better than a Gwynn that's missing and trying to kill herself. I can live with that.

Dad's been busy on the phone with business. I suspect he'll be having to go again soon. I can tell he's about ready to leave again when he gets all sullen and brooding around me because he knows it's going to crush me when he has to leave yet again. )c;

Time to head to practice, so I guess I'm leaving you again in ym own way now...

*hugs* (c:s

P.S. Thank you blog for actually helping to cheer me up!

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I think it must be some kind of secret rule that my life absolutely must get more and more hectic with every passing day! You might have noticed I didn't make any entries yesterday. Or not, LOL. Well, where to begin? *scratches head* School went normally enough but when I got home (in my new car of course, lol, have I mentioned my new car often enough yet?) Dad totally surprised me by taking me to a movie right after I got home and then we visited Brett at Alley Cat Records. I guess he was just interested in seeing this record store Brett was working at or whatever. We waited around until Brett got off work, which was pretty OK with me since I like it there, even if it is dingy and run down looking and then went out to eat again as a family. It was special, blah blah blah. LOL No it was actually like I was a little kid again going out to eat and getting in trouble for fighting with Brett. He harrassed me to no end. *sigh* He kept flatly saying, 'Erin has schizophrenia' really quick and at totally random times, mostly while I was talking. I don't know what kind of mean faeries crawled into his butt but he was being the JERK he always was that I kind of forgot about in recent times. Let's see, he was totally mocking me about our gig opening for his band at Mongo's and he kept alluding to what I like to call 'the incident part 1' with Brandan. Whatever. I'm more mature than him, though the band thing really got to me because even with Chris I don't think we'll be ready in time. :-( I have no clue why he decided to be such a dick but when he started in on Aunt Minnie at elast he wasn't harrassing me anymore. Not that Minnie deserves his behind the back brand of sarcasm. Dinner was...like I said it was like being a little kid again. Ugh. I want to forget being a little kid, no relive it. So anyway, all of that spontaneous surprise stuff left me with no time to make an entry before practice. Which leads me to...

Ack! Someone forgot to send me the memo about practice I guess! )c: I got to Ray's house maybe only five minutes late at the most. Mental note: don't rationalize being late in the future! I hate it when people make excuses like that and then here I am doing it! *pinches self in punishment* Moving on, nobody was in the garage and nobody answered the door when I knocked and it looked like all the lights were out. I didn't know what to think because last time we talked practice was on. Worse yet, I was stranded because Dad dropped me off after our dinner thing and I am completely against the bad magnetism of cell phones (heads up, they cause cancer!) so I don't carry one. Ugh. So I got all pouty and angry wondering what the HELL was going on and resigned myself to walking home, which is just way too far from Ray's house. And for Titania's sake! Who would have guessed with my luck I'd run into Chris on the way home? I wanted to slit my throat right there when he said he'd walk me home to be safe. Yeaaaaah, like I feel real safe around that psycho. He seems completely oblivious to polite hints because I tried every trick in the book (what book?) to get him the hell away. Noooooo, he'll hear none of that. So I was tortured with a walk, to my home, with Chris. I'll spare the details but let's just say on more than one occasion he offered to show me his worms as proof that he still has them. *BARF!* Thanks pal, I'll take your word for it this time, OK? Ugh. And I think he must have flipped off 20 or 30 people, most of which he probably doesn't even know. He showed my his 'bird finger' and how it was all bent up from a fight with the police during which, *gasps of sarcastic surprise*, he cursed at the police and made the big mistake of giving them the finger. I just wanted to suddenly run away screaming from his stories which are either lies or just plain gross! On the plus side, if there was one, I got from him that he didn't know why practice was cancelled either. I almost breathed a sigh of relief that the band hand't suddenly decided to shut me out or something but it was cut short either by Chris's stench or the realization that they probably would take that opportunity to throw him out too. Then I got all distracted with a bunch of insane ramblings in my head about all these scenarios with me getting kicked out and stuff like that. )c: I really worry way too much. I know that. Anyway, I guess in some way it was nice of Chris to walk me home like that. I almost feel bad about making fun of him so much but then I only have to remember his little story about 'sheep humping in Sweden'!!! The title pretty much tells it all. Well, not really. It's not quite as bad as you'd think, but it's still pretty bad.

So after almost having practice I finished, yes FINISHED!!!, The Castle with a couple days to spare before the test (and a paper, blech, but I think I'm going to write about my pregnancy theory of The Castle so at least I have a good idea). I sat down to start my entry and I swear on a stack of my grandfather's journals, half way through writing the entry the power went out and a piece of my great writing was forever lost. LOL As if. (As if I write great.) I lit a bunch of candles, which unfortunately reminded me of Brandan's stump-candle nonsense and made me feel a little sad about THAT whole sack of potatoes, and me and Dad checked things out. Apparently power in the whole neighborhood went out. Dad was pretty pissed because he still had a business call to make to Japan in the middle of the night. I fell asleep reading my grandfather's journals with a flashlight and woke up at 9am this morning!!! Late for school!!! Damn! Dad said he could tell how frazzled I was with my hectic life and that I should just stay at home and he'd call in a lie that I was sick or something. Yay! My Dad can be pretty awesome sometimes. (c: Anyway, the power didn't come back until about 11, just a little while ago. One of the neigbors said some pranksters had put a lawn jockey in the road and someone driving swerved to miss what they thought was little kid and hit a telephone pole. I don't know if I'd believe that though, this neighbor is known for his rumor spreading. Can the power even be knocked out like that and for so long just by hitting a telephone pole? The lawn jockey thing was very believable though, since it happened to me, so maybe he was telling the truth. Whatever, he's kind of like the boy that cried whenever he saw wolves. I didn't mention my little encounter with a lawn jockey since I was totally confused about how much to blame I'd be if an accident happened because of that and I hadnt told anyone about a similar thing happening to me beforehand? Am I liable in any way? *scratches head* I'm clueless when it comes to the law, so I just avoid it as much as possible, lol.

Oh! While the power was out I could see roaming lights in the big clump of trees that kind of lead to woods ouitside the back of my house! It was kind of like the lights I saw when Brandan slipped me the mushrooms, except I was DEFINATELY not high this time. I know I know, it could have just been people with flashlights or, I don't know, weather baloons or something, lol. But these coincidences are really adding up, if you ask me, which you probably didn't ask me but oh well. I'm going to step up my hunt for faeries after Dad leaves again (but not before because he'd totally not approve of such 'silliness' as he'd put it). One good thing the camping fiasco brought up was that I think I know how to approach the faeries now. You get to them by letting them come to you. LOL I know that probably sounds like buddhist mumbo jumbo or whatever. But it's true. Being totally still is like taking a long journey to the place of the faeries! Well, that's my THEORY anyway. Don't hate me because I'm open to the world's possibilities. ;-

*hugs* for now. Gawd, I haven't even gone into what happened with Sir Dan Sir Dan calling and Brandan being all desperate! I just have no tolerance for it right now. It should be interesting to find out what happened with practice when I call Patrick after he gets home from school too. >:-( GRRRRR!!! I'm ready for anything! lol Even if I don't need to be.

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

When I got back from practice tonight, Brandan called trying to apologize for the camping trip. When I asked him if he even knew what he was saying he was sorry for, he said he knew I was mad at him and he wanted to make everything better. What a fuckhead! I so hung up on him violently, but then he called AGAIN! I so lost my tempter I was like Miss Volcano and told him what to do with himself. He thinks he's so sensitive but he doesn't have a clue about anybody but his dumb dumb self. I hung up so loudly that time that Daddy came out of his study, asking me if I was alright. I had to lie, telling him I dropped the phone. I was so happy when Brandan didn't call back. I put Pere Ubu on the stereo to try and relax, but it completely got me so agitated. Life certainly does stink, and I would love a drink, if I was old enough to buy one or knew someone who could. It felt sort of good just soaking up Pere Ubu, sort of releasing all of my nervous, angry energy through the music. Too bad my mood was totally lost when Brandan called AGAIN while the last song, "Humor Me," was playing. This time he wanted to meet me somewhere. He even offered to come over to talk to me, but I refused. I told him my dad was home and I absolutely could not leave right now. More importantly, i didn't want to leave anyway because, and I quote myself, "Brandan, you are such an ultimate DICK!" I hope I never see him again, and I know for sure I will never go to Starbucks ever again. I need to find a new coffee house to hang out in and do homework. I think I'll start looking as soon as I finish this. Maybe while I'm doing that a meteor will fall on Brandan, incinerating him. >:-(

Anyway, practice was whatever. The songs are fine, though God knows if we are ready to be humiliated next Saturday opening for Brett's band. Ray was his usual dictator self telling everyone what they should do to meet his "high standards." Patrick mostly snickered to himself, laughing at everyone like the little prick he's been lately. Chris still had worms and he brought his wormy kitten with him in my new car. Good thing I drapped garbage bags over the passenger seat. Actually, several garbage bags. It was so sick during practice watching Moo Cow drag its behind all over the floor. I thought Ray was going to go ballistic and I can't blame him. When he left, he totally disinfected the floor, spraying it with something. I would have probably done the same thing and I did. As soon as I dropped Chris off I went to the market and bought some anti bacterial dininfectant and completely sprayed everything inside my beautiful Beetle. The worst part was that Chris was trying to come on to me again. I can't believe he was trying to be all Mr. Sexy when he was worms and he kept fidgeting in his seat. What a diseased asshole!

That's all I have in me right now. I need to scrape together some more homework and then pass out. *Hug tossed out while head hits pillow*

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

*ruffles feathers* OK, so now Gwynn is back into full 'bitchy to her old friends' mode. I waved and smiled to her in the hall and she rolled her eyes at me and gave me the finger! I made an inquisitive face to her like 'what did I do to piss you off by motioning a hello?' and she just mimicked my expression all over exaggerated and sarcastic. Urgh. *SIGH* Yeah, she's going through a hard time right now but I couldn't help but get totally angry at her at first and then later on a little hurt. Weeeeell, I was more than a little hurt, truth be told. )c: All this time I've suspected she had her abortion but I didn't really know and after that I completely began to wonder if her meanness was because of the abortion I assumed she had, or if it was because of her hanging out with North (or scum as he's known in some places, lol), which is a possibility I kind of blocked out because I just did not want to consider that at all. So I was left wondering until...

Cheryl got to go for a spin in my amazingly fantastic new wheels! She loved the car! But who wouldn't? (c: She was really envious too, I could tell. She said I was lucky to have a Dad with so much influence, which is a strange thing to say, as if he's some sort of politician or something. He just knows how to deal with salespeople in a language they understand since that's what he does for a living, in a kind of way. Anyway, I didn't really get to talk to Brett much at Alley Cat Records because 1. he was busy actually selling records to customers (I don't know, kind of what he's there for, LOL) and 2. I think he was jealous too because he kept pretty silent, but not really mean or anything, the hallmark of a jealous Brett. But I didn't really need to talk to Brett about Dad that much anymore anyhow... GAWD, once again I am such a MORON!!! The maneki neko must have been expensive, like an antique or something! Someone out there, please, please, oh please kill me. LOL It would be for the good of everyone, really. *bangs head on wall* Dad BUYS me a new car and I thank him by throwing away a GIFT he got me. A gift that might have been EXPENSIVE. *ruffles feathers like the birdbrain I am*

Um...I guess I got off track there. I meant to make this cool segue thing where I left off with the 'until...' and picked up in the next part by explaining how Cheryl told me what happened with Gwynn. LOL Like I said, we'd all be better off if you just shot me. :-P Well, it turns out Gwynn DID have her abortion (um...is a yay! appropriate here?) but that she's also still been hanging around North (a boo! is always appropriate where his name is concerned). From what Cheryl tells me Gwynn had her abortion last week when she stopped showing up at school and that everything went OK, as much as things can go OK with a thing like that. But I guess things weren't OK with Gwynn, who was completely depressed over the whole thing and tried to drown herself in her bathtub. *cries* I'm having a hard time typing this because it really upsets me. But this is my new diary, through thick and thin, until death do we part. I guess Gwynn couldn't make herself stay underwater in her bathtub and when her mother noticed she hadn't come out of the bathroom for a real long time and decided checked up on her she could hear her crying and all of that became part of the all-too public knowledge of the gossip circuit. How exactly Cheryl came to find all of this out is beyond me, but most things are. :- And from what I understand Gwynn has been hanging around North and his friends (some of which have had the good sense to abandon him) ever since North got expelled. What a crazy world! North got kicked out of school because of what he screamed at Gwynn during lunch (well, it was a build up of things from what I understand)!!! I'm not much of one for dispensing parental type wisdom but North really is a bad influence... especially for someone going through what she's going through and especially since he's not even in school anymore. B-(

Cletus Gainsborough, the guy that owns Alley Cat Records, is never going to make any money selling music if he never actually sells any music and just lends it to his customers instead! LOL Don't get me wrong, Cletus is totally awesome and I really shouldn't complain about such a good thing. He let me borrow Pere Ubu's The Modern Dance and the Swell Maps A Trip To Marineville. (I'm listening to A Trip To Marineville right now. Um...I'm really not sure what I think of it. I guess Cletus didn't say I should like it though, only that I should listen to it.) I need to hang around this guy more because he'll be able to teach me about music much, MUCH better than sloshing around on the Internet will. Not only can he offer me his on-the-spot reviews but I can also actually listen to what he's talking about. LOL, except when he gets into these long lists of names like he was talking about geneologies from the bible or something. LOL 'So and so beget so and so who beget so and so who beget so and so...' I shouldn't make fun of him though, I think he's really just fantastic. Fantabulous as my Dad likes to say. (c:

OK, it's off to practice now in my brand new car! I'm supposed to pick up Chris and this time I think I'm really going to put newpaper down like I said I would before. Blech. He asked Ray if he could borrow 5 dollars and Ray kind of jokingly (I think, hard to tell with him) said 'yeah, but only if you lick the garage floor' to which Chris responded by immediately dropping down onto all fours and licking the floor!!! GROSS!!! And it's not like he did a little, tiny lick either. Chris took a big long lick off the floor like he enjoyed it! No wonder he has worms! Um...sorry to leave you on this kind of yucky note but...

*hugs* & *poof* I disappear

Monday, October 7, 2002

*eyes barely open* I think I'm completely sleep typing this entry. It sure feels like it. Everything on the computer screen is all fuzzy and double. Julian just called here, too, worried because I wasn't at Jubilee Cafe. I called Shirly this morning, but I guess she forgot to tell anyone so everyone was concerned about my no show. Julian even said Joe asked about me. I was barely coherent when I was talking Julian. I can't even remember what I said. It was really sweet he called, I guess.

Finding a car was tons and tons of fun. Dad and I went everywhere after I got home from school. It's amazing watching how confident he is when he's playing with the car salespersons sort of the way Manny bats mice around in the backyard sometimes. The salespeople so think they are going to get the best of him, but Dad's always ten steps ahead of them without about a gazillion tricks up his sleeves and maybe even some up his pants legs. LOL. One guy even tried that "I need to talk to my manager" thing on him, but Dad just smiled at him and then made him feel as short as a munchkin. Still, I thought we would never find anything! I was getting so tired by the time we reached Jim Clark Motors. I was ready to pack it in, especially since it was getting close to band practice. Besides, everything was so expensive there! Still, I so fell in love with this beyond cute blue GLX New Beetle. Daddy could tell I was smitten with it, but not that much because I knew it was way out of the price range I imagined in my head, even though Dad hadn't said anything. The salesperson, when he swooped down on us like a vulture, said it was really a steal at "$22,000." Dad just chuckled when he gave the price. He then turned towards me and gave me the keys to his car and told me to go to the store and get him some aspirin. He told me not to come back for a half hour. When I returned with the aspirin and got out of the car Dad tossed some keys at him, confusing me. He then laughed and said, "Well, give me back my keys now. You've got your wheels, honey" and pointed at the New Beetle. I couldn't believe it!!!! The sales guy was completely nice, too, though he kind of icked me out by thanking Dad over and over again. He even mentioned that Dad had paid with a check, clutching the paperwork in his right hand. Believe me when I say I gave Dad the biggest hug ever! I felt sort of guilty, too, because God knows I'm not worth however much money Dad spent. I tried to ask him what the car had finally cost, but he told me didn't matter.

Practice could have been better. Today Chris reached new levels of disgusting. Showing up ten minutes late (and infuriating Ray), Chris arrived without his kitten, the first time I had even seen him without Moo Cow. He shook his head a little bit sadly, telling everyone that Moon Cow had worms, but she would be OK. The "tragic part", he said, was that Moo Cow must have dragged her "ass" across the kitchen counters or something, because he had worms too. I thought Ray was going to faint. Patrick started laughing uncontrollably. I just wanted to barf thinking about it. Practice would have a whole letter better if he didn't have to stop every few minutes so Chris could adjust his pants or saying something unbelievable like "I sure can feel them wriggling around in there. I hope this shit I got at the clinic works." I was so glad to finally go home.

When I finally got back, Dad was acting sort of weird. He asked me where the Maneki Neko he had sent me was. When I told him that Manny had knocked it over, breaking it, I thought he was going to have a heart attack or something. I felt so bad because I don't want Dad to think I don't love his gifts. He then even got stranger and asked me where I had put the broken Maneki Neko. Duh! I threw it in the garbage and swept up the sand inside it and tossed that away too, especially since it had bothered Manny. It was almost like the color in Dad's face vanished instantaneouly. When I tried to ask him if he was alright, he just muttered he was fine and went back into his study. I'm really worried about him. His job must really be stressing him out if he got so upset over one Maneki Neko. :-(

Time to hit the hay now, I say! Tomorrow is packed. After school and before practice, Cheryl and I are going to hang out at Alley Cat Records. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to Brett about Dad while Cheryl and I are there. And then, after practice, Dad is taking Brett and I out to dinner to my favorite restaurant. Now I just need to try to move Manny so I can pass out, another day done. Good night everyone! *Hugs new car and saves a little for everyone else, too*

PS I almost forgot, or tried to desperately to forget. Dad said Brandan called several times while I was at practice. Dad then totally grilled me about who Brandan was. Uggggh!

Monday, October 7, 2002

Woo! I'm totally excited about going car shopping with Dad. I think anything would have to be better than that pile of crap I used to have, lol. I guess I have no clue about cars but this time I want an automatic instead of a nasty, hard to use standard. Beggars can't be choosers, but that's my only major criteria so I can be a chooser just in this one small way right? Right? (c: And Aunt Minnie's right, it would be nice to have something that doesn't guzzle gas as much and doesn't pollute the atmosphere and doesn't only help increase our dependancy on oil in a time when being dependant on oil is like being dependant on a mobster for a loan. Can you tell what popular show I've obviously been watching religiously, lol? That's right, Law & Order: Criminal Intent. What can I say? I have a little thing for Vincent D'Onofrio. *blushes* VINCENT! I'm free again! 8-P

On a much more serious note, I saw Gwynn today and she looked like shit, in the nicest way possible. She also looked all sneary and angry so I avoided actually talking to her like she was the plague. *sigh* OK, I'm very sympathetic to her, but there's only so much I can do for her if she won't accept my friendship and it's not like I would really know what to say to her anyway concerning the abortion thing except totally stereotypical things that don't really mean that much just because of the fact they get said so often. Um...not to ramble or anything though, lol.

I'm on the home stretch to finishing The Castle! Despite being way behind schedule for a while I'm actually a little bit ahead of schedule now. I think I'm earning my way back to the neutral ground with Mr. Callahan I started off with when he first replaced Mr. Robbs. Yay for me. Can you see how thrilled I am? :- Not that today really earned me any points with him though. Even though I napped a TON Sunday and actually slept some last night, my crazy nightmares kept me in a slump and a stupor. Ugh. At least for once it wasn't one of those nightmares involving my Mom. Most of my nightmares since her disappearance have been about her in one way or another (or another, or another...). )c: Any which way nightmares SUCK! Yes I know, that's pretty damn obvious to anyone that's had nightmares before, especially anyone who's had nightmares before an important day when they need to concentrate and stuff like that. *hating nightmares* LOL

OK, I'm keeping this pretty short so I can soak up lost time with Dad with the big sponge of conversation. LOL He says I have him for at least a week. I say 'only a week!!??' Wow, lucky me. A whole week. *sarcasm* His job pisses me off sometimes. OK, his job pisses me off most of the time. >:-[

Shit, I wanted to get to some more of the crazy stuff that happened while camping. (If I see Brandan ever again I'll probably kick him in the nuts.) The longer after our whole string of incidents I've just been getting angrier and angrier. But at least we cut it off early on and now he can go on his shallow fake hippy way and I can go on my, uhhhh...whatever way I'm going. lol This will have to do for now...

*hugs and handshakes*

Monday, October 7, 2002

*shivers and looks over both shoulders* I totally cannot go back to sleep after my nightmare. I am so shivery and paranoid right now. Manny is so sacked out on the end of my bed so I guess it's just me too nervous and afraid to close my eyes. I know it probably isn't possible, but maybe some sort of residue is still floating in my head from those horrible mushrooms Brandan gave me (DICK!). I don't even know if I can describe what I was dreaming or if I should in case my dreams are all yucky again when I finally go back to sleep. :^(

The worst part of my nightmare was that it was one those where you think you are awake but you aren't. I completely woke up, sitting up completely straight because something was tapping my window. Being a moron, I was sure it must be a faery knocking on the glass so I got out of bed and walked right over. Instead of something beautiful and glowing, it was this evil looking crow pecking at the window with its beak. I tried yelling at it and waving my arms to make it fly away, but it kept tapping away until the glass began to crack, shattering. I was so freaked out when it then flew into my bedroom! I just started screaming when it began swooping around my head trying trying to threaten me. Completely scared, I ran out of my room slamming the door in the evil crow's face. At that moment I felt sort of releaved because the bird couldn't get me anymore. If only it hadn't been a fucked up anything goes demented hell dream because as soon as I turned my back the whole door totally shattered into splinters, that black goat that hurt Aunt Minnie leaping into the hallway. I ran so hard down stairs, that goat chasing me nearly as fast. I was trying to open the front door, to run outside, but the lock would turn. I kept fumbling with it, the goat getting closer and closer, its horns about stab me as it hurled itself towards me. Just as I was about to be completely killed, I swear the goat said "Brandan". . . then I woke up all covered in sweat and trembling. :-(

At least writing it down has got it out of my system. My blog, my personal therapist! LOL. I guess it's time for me to try to close my eyes again. Pray that I am protected!* I so need to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be busy. I'm skipping out on the Jubilee Cafe to shop for a new car with Dad and then band practice. *Small timid hug*

Monday, October 7, 2002

It's all officially over between me and Brandan. ??? I'm not even sure how I really feel about it though. I can say almost for certain he didn't really want to 'mend the abyssal gulf' between us! Omigawd, first of all when Brandan came to pick me up Friday night at Cheryl's (I actually went there just in case Aunt Minnie decided to get talkative and find out it wasn't really Cheryl picking me up blah blah blah) he came with his friend in his friend's car, with his friend coming along on the trip!!! 'I hope you don't mind if Dan comes along...' What the fuck am I going to say with Dan sitting right there in his car? Ugh. I'm pretty sure...wait, I'm almost absolutely certain there was an understanding this trip was supposed to be very personal, expressly so we could try and work things out maybe, without all the distractions of our busy daily lives! How could Brandan do that to me? How could he be so thick headed? I was furious. There is no possible way anyone could be so fucking stupid as to bring a friend on a camping trip like this! Except Brandan apparently. Could we have possibly got our wires crossed that bad? No, I didn't think so either. I was very quiet in the back seat of this Dan's (revolting, more below) car all the way there. I was on the verge of tears. I honestly don't know why I didn't make a big scene right there and refuse to go. In perfect white trash fashion, 'YOU LOVE DAN SO MUCH TO BRING HIM ALONG WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO SNUGGLE UP TO HIM WHEN YOU GET COLD CAMPING ALONE!' lol But I didn't do that. Gawd, I can't even imagine explaining such a scene to Cheryl's parents. So, I had my mind set on going and go is what I did. *bangs head on wall, comes back to keyboard*

This friend Brandan brought along introduced himself as 'Sir Dan Remner' but apparently most people just call him 'Sir Dan Sir Dan'. I just wanted to call him 'annoying interfering fuckhead'. >:-( For as much as he who claims to be 'in tune with the Earth's fading aura' Brandan sure does have one pig of a friend! lol Seriously. When I opened the back door to Dan's car garbage actually fell out onto my feet. Gross! It was bad enough I was going to have to sit in a trash can but when the junk fell out it piled all on my feet which were uncovered in sandles! *shudders* And let's just say 'Sir Dan' should not have a license. I wouldn't be very surprised if I found out he bought the one he has from a KU student making a little extra money on the side. Perfect start for an imperfect weekend.

We camped somewhere in Clinton State Park or at least somewhere in that area. Wherever we were it was really out there, in the middle of nowhere. We drove for a long time on this super bumpy dirt road that I'm not totally sure was actually even a road at all. lol It seemed more like a creek bed and you could tell water usually runs over it. This was a little unsettling. What if it rained? It was too late now, and I was practically determined to camp this weekend if I didn't refuse to come with Brandan's first major stupid move (sadly not his last too). Eventually we had to park the car and walk the rest of the way to the camping area. We were heading to a 'secret spot', which was totally not actually secret since there were so many beer bottles and tire tracks in the dirt. Even so, it really was way out of the way, lol.

We went through the camping set up routine with little trouble. If you don't know what you do to set up camp you'll just have to continue being out of the loop, lol. It's boring stuff like finding dry wood, setting up the tents, wandering around, blah blah blah. (c: It was distressing to see so many of the younger trees had been chopped down for wood. Jeezus, I'm not any kind of camping expert and even I know cutting down green wood won't burn, not to mention harming the future growth of the forest. Instead of bringing a lantern or flashlights or stuff like that for lighting Brandan and Dan put these big candles in stumps and on rocks and on the ground here and there around camp and burned those. As soon as we got our stuff set up Dan went into his tent and changed into these HORRIBLE checkered jester pants and giant hemp shirt! I knew the hippy sermon was destined to begin at any moment and you know what, in a way I was right! Blech. I wanted to shoot myself for ever getting into the situation. Dan lit a marijuana cigarette and passed it to me. It's like they were testing me, which I did NOT appreciate. I normally don't even smoke weed even though I'm not one of those complete 'righteous and upstanding freaks'. I just try to avoid it. I see what all the dopeheads turn into - jocks. LOL Still, I joined in on the communal smoke. This was not in itself so bad, but Dan and Brandan had to start talking like Cheech and Chong and laughing alot. What's a stereotype about hippies when it's true? *wonders* After our little hippy stoner pow wow, lol, we made a fire because by then we were all feeling very hungry. Brandan smiled and told me he had a surprise recipe up his sleeve. He said he'd do all the work and would just say it was a mushroom surprise. He cooked sesame seed in a pan and then mashed it up with honey and mushrooms and rolled them into balls. I was skeptical about how good sesame, mushrooms and honey could taste together but I was surprised, they were great! But, unfortunately that wasn't the only surprise that asshole had for me. I'm so stupid, so fucking stupid! *bangs head on wall again*

Only after about 10 minutes after eating the mushroom balls I started feeling sick to my stomach. I asked Brandan what kind of mushrooms these were and he told me they were a rare surprise, which I took to mean they were a rare type of storebought and edible mushroom. NO! They were psychedelic mushrooms! Brandan fucking drugged me without my consent! GRRRRRR!!! I was ready to kill him but I was feeling weirder and weirder after every moment. I have no clue how much mushroom I ate, but I think it was alot. My anger very quickly became fear at the sudden realization that I don't really know Brandan THAT well and I don't know Dan at all and I'm out in the middle of nowhere basically alone by myself!!! I got very scared and if this was part of the 'magical journey' or just a bit of common sense finally kicking in I don't know. So I got up and said I had to go to the bathroom and wasn't feeling well and I quickly ran off and hid behind some bushes and watched Brandan and Dan like a hawk. I was completely frightened, too afraid to be angry. Then weird things started happening, like the candles getting brighter and things seemed to be moving around just out of sight and there were lights floating around. I went totally nutso at this because I thought I was seeing faeries and I ran back to camp totally excited. Brandan and Dan said they saw them too and that we were really connecting with the forest, which for once I could agree with. They said faeries were the spirits of the forest but I felt more like I was awakening to an invisible world, that the faeries ARE parts of the forest but not the spirits of the forest. I felt completely at home and like I was being absorbed by all the trees and the bushes and everything around me in the forest. And I was totally sure, at the time, that I was really seeing faeries. Everything was timeless, like we were in a cheesy fantasy painting that wasn't cheesy while we were in it. LOL BUT, it didn't last...

We all kind of fell asleep at some point in the tents, I don't really know when. And we all kind of woke up again at the same time the next morning, really early. With my normal consciousness back, and all the charm of the cruel trick Brandan played on me worn off I WAS PISSED!!! Dan knew it and made an excuse about going to the bathroom, which may or may not have been true. And me and Brandan got into one hell of a shouting match! It was horrible! I was right though, and he couldn't really argue for long. ASSHOLE!!! I'll spare the horrific details here because it gets me riled up again just thinking about it, but it was pretty bad and I ended up crying. *sigh* Needless to say, we are no longer going out together. (Needless to say, Dan and Brandan shared a tent Saturday night!) I've had it with this shit, this hippy pretense which is just an excuse for him to SEEM deep and soulfull when he's just a druggy brat that hasn't grown up yet. Enough. When all was said and done things were cold between us, but we could tolerate each other for the rest of the weekend from HELL! Where would I even begin listing the wrongs he's committed against me? )c:

After our 'little' confrontation I just had to get away and cry some. So I just went off into the woods by myself, not really heading in any direction. I don't know why I was so upset. I knew that would probably be the outcome of the weekend. *sigh* I was just caught up in the heat of the moment or was acting how I thought I should act after breaking up or something like that. Honestly I'm glad we broke up very clearly and in no uncertain terms. And it didn't take too long for me to get over my 'emotionally distressed state' and start to enjoy the surroundings and the solitude. At a kind of clearer spot in the forest I decided to stop and sit down on the ground and just be as quiet as I could be and maybe catch a glimpse of wild animals or maybe even the little people. I'm sure when I'm clomping around through the forest I sound like a bulldozer rolling over everything. If I was a faerie I wouldn't want to be anywhere near something like that! lol So, after about ten or twenty or, who knows, maybe even an hour of sitting and taking in the natural beauty of every leaf and the way the light hits each one in a different way, so that all look different, like a snowdrop or a fingerprint, I started to hear rustling. At first I thought it must have been Brandan or Dan coming to find me since I'd been gone for so long but it was coming from the wrong direction for it to have been them. Like that one time in the park not too long ago I started hearing little voices, like they were either far off or coming from little folk! In the distance I could see a bright orange thing moving around! I stayed completely motionless to avoid disturbing it and just watched. I think I may have seen my very first faerie in actual, real life! It wasn't at all like the hallucination thing the night before because of Brandan's stupidity (he's not a hippy, he's a druggy). This was very real, there was no ambiguity to it at all, and yet it was very mystical and I could feel my whole body tingling with excitement. Finally! Maybe they are FINALLY becoming more comfortable with me! It took me long enough to get it through my dense head how to act around them. If you just become one with the forest they will treat you as if you belong. I just needed to s l o w d o w n and be calm. It was so apparent! No wonder grandpa never describes how he met the faeries! It should be apparent to anyone reading his journals. I'm just a high-strung MORON is all. lol Anyway, almost as soon as I saw the orange faerie in the distance it was gone. It's as if they were saying to me in their own very special way, 'you've just gained some wisdom, you're closer to us now'. LOL I know that makes you think I'm nutty, but I'm just so excited by my advancement! (c: I don't care what you think of me.

Dan dropped Brandan off first and I had to suffer with him for several excruciating miles. We were both totally silent the entire time. What did we have to talk about after this trip? I was the new bad guy in Brandan's life and he is Brandan's friend! *stabs self* The only thing that livened up the trip was Dan's very scary driving. He would break all of a sudden for no reason at all! He stopped at two, count 'em, two green lights just in the short time I rode with him! I don't know how he could see out of his car at all with all the nicotine gunk built up on the windshield. I don't normally wear my seatbelt, but I do with Dan, lol. In fact, I may wear it all the time now that I know drivers like him exist. Crazy, chain-smoking hippy drivers. LOL

When I made it home alive and finished kissing the ground I went inside and noticed pretty quickly that Aunt Minnie had left while I was away. I can tell when she's around and when she's not. She left me a note explaining Thyme needed her and how she was feeling good enough to head out on her own again, etc. I'll kind of miss her and I'm kind of glad she's gone. *tears up* I really do love her and like having her around, even if she gets on my nerves sometimes. LOL Sidenote: didn't I predict she'd make sure she was gone before my Dad came home? I halfway suspect that's the real reason she left. Whatever. I don't get involved with their dislike for each other and I love them both very much. It's just kind of funny to watch how weird they act sometimes. (c:

Dad got home while I was napping (one of the times anyway, lol). It was COMPLETELY refreshing to have him after this weekend's nonsense! When I woke up he was in his study, probably working, and we sat and talked, and talked, and talked...and talked. 8-P We did the whole catch-up thing, which was nice. It was nice just to be with him, talking or not. Brett stopped by and we ate a pancake dinner. It was all touchy happy family kind of stuff, lol. But it was genuine! So...whatever.

Last note before I head to bed for the second time today, lol. (Oh, I guess it's not really today anymore.) I archived again as you can see. Nothing major, return to business. ;-)

*hugs*