Sunday, October 6, 2002

I'm back, I think. I desperately need to take a nap. I feel like a wrung out wash cloth. I don't even know where to start. When I wake up, the details, if I don't start crying again, short circuiting my computer . . :^(

Friday, October 4, 2002

*squiggles* I'm totally excited about my camping trip with Brandan! At the same time I'm worried. Will this be the end of us as an item? I honestly can't tell if I want it to end or not. I'm totally lost in a forest of indecision! Or maybe it's a village outside a castle I'm lost in? he he I'm DEFINATELY lost in The Castle. Anyway, we're supposed to leave tonight so I don't know if I'll be able to make an entry. Then again Brandan was vague on the phone just now about when he'll be able to get off work since some jerk didn't bother to show up which is a daily routine for some of the people working there I guess. )c: So, we'll see. We'll go either tonight or early tomorrow. I'm bringing both my normal paper journal and my mushroom journal (just in case). I think if nothing else this will be a good opportunity to listen and watch for faeries. Besides, I miss the woods since the mushroom season is coming to a close. Hippies are insane, but not totally insane and they have it right when they love the forest and want to save it. But then who doesn't like the forest besides fat white Republicans and industrialists? lol

I've totally got Aunt Minnie fooled into thinking I'm going to stay over at Cheryl's house! lol SHHHHHH! I told her we had to study and just wanted to hang out and stuff. Either she bought my lie or doesn't care that I'm lying to her. :-) Minnie is cool sometimes.

Gwynn was back at school today. *sighs of relief* Cheryl, me, and Marcus for a little bit, totally stared but tried not to from our table. She seemed really quiet and golem so we think we know she had her abortion. *breathes more sighs of relief* I can't even imagine how hard it must be for her, but it really is the best thing. If she hadn't had that abortion and had the kid instead she would be trapped forever, like K. in The Castle. Her castle would be a happy and easy life and her baby would be the bureaucracy keeping her in the town of constant struggling, like work. I wonder if Kafka meant this book to parallel pregnancy so closely? I guess he wasn't much of a ladies man, *wink wink*, but who knows? Maybe he was an early feminist and nobody even realizes it? The villagers, which are like everyone that doesn't have a baby when they're young, totally cannot understand K. (the woman with her kid) and K. is totally isolated from the 'normal' villagers because of his child, his quest. LOL I hope I'm not being crazy with this theory, but it makes complete sense really. K. is always trying to understand the people he's cut off from and the processes of the bureaucracy. A girl with a child probably wants to be part of and enjoy normal society but can't because of the insane bureaucracy of constant work to keep her child alive, alone. Kafka shows the world a glimpse of what it's like to be a young woman with a child, the total bewilderment is her oppression in a society (the village) that doesn't understand her, doesn't want to understand her, and isn't interested in offering any help whatsoever because of the bureaucracy of how a person is supposed to act in society. Kafka shows the absurdity of not considering abortion as an option. K. continuing on his struggle is insane! He should have given up at the beginning, ie aborted the baby. Gawd, I wish I could do more to be there with Gwynn. )c:

Is porcelain normally hollow? *scratches head* Because inside the cracked maneki neko Dad sent there was talcum powder or something. LOL Manny makes the cutest sneezes! ;-0 She came over and sniffed it and was doing these cute high-pitched sneezes for like 15 minutes afterwards! I hope talcum powder isn't harmful, but I'm a little worried it might be. How good can snorting stone be for anything? NOT AT ALL! And she's acting really strange now too. Ugh. All I need now is a cat all messed up inside because of stone. I'm waiting to see if she'll get better. *crosses fingers* Gawd, I would die if something serious happened to my Manny! I love her so much!

OK, off to practice. I have to get an early start since I'm stuck walking. Blech. Lol, it's poetic justice that Chris the Creep has to walk too, and it's an even longer distance than me. Chris the Creep <------ new name I gave Chris.

*hugs* *hugs* (Two *hugs* just in case I don't get one in tonight!)

Thursday, October 3, 2002

*spins Wheel Of Misfortune, grimacing* I'm sorry I haven't written anything, but bad stuff has happened to me. I could just start crying right now if Manny wasn't curled up on my lap purring. :^( Yesterday after school started out OK, even though I had to pick up Chris and drive him and his kitten to practice. It was totally out of my way, but I tried not to act resentful. I'm amazed where Chris lives hasn't been condemned yet. It has to be the most awful apartment building in Lawrence, even worse than where Brandan lives. I swear I had to honk my horn a million times before he came out, his guitar case in one hand and his kitten under his other arm. I even tried realy hard to not look like I was going to puke when sat down next me. He smelled so gross. I don't think he ever showers. And, I could be wrong, but his kitten must have peed on his clothes. Chris didn't seem to mind, even if I felt like gagging. Still the smell was nothing compared him trying to come on to me and impress with all this totally disgusting stories of impossible and terrible things he supposedly had done with wome. Like I would be impressed by what a dick he has been to women! I may not listen to Tori much these days, but I am still a feminist. Practice was really great. Patrick was even in a good mood. I swear he was telling one really funny joke after another, making all of us laugh . . . even Ray, who is usually Mr. Serious Frown Boy. I guess I should saying everything was great until Chris' kitten decided to sink its paws into my leg. I don't know WHAT was the matter with it, but it suddenly just jump at my leg, claws first, getting snagged on my pants. Then Chris had to get way too near me while he tried to help his bosom kitty pal, making all these really crass jokes while he was on his knees trying to loosen the crazy kitten from my clothing. What was really weird was that Ray got annoyed with Chris' dumb lewdness, telling him to treat me with more respect. I was totally shocked and it was sort of nice the way Chris just quietly sulked for the rest of practice. Of course, I completely wasn't thinking about how I had to take Chris home afterwards. > :-@ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!

Driving back, Chris was quiet for the first half, justing sitting there gently stroking his kitten's head. Then he got all serious, asking me why I didn't like him. I really didn't know how to respond. I felt totally uncomfortable when he started to sob, telling me he about all the ways he knew he had fucked up his life and how he was trying to start over but it was so hard for him. He told me stuff I absolutely didn't need to know about at all. One things he said that I remember too vividly was how he used to sell his methadone to make monkey to buy more heroin. GROSS! He then said he really liked me. I was everything he wanted to change his life to be like Patrick, Ray and me. He wished he had our innocence. What is that supposed to mean? I'm not innocent. I'm just not a complete scumbag like Chris. I was beyond relieved when I finally dropped him and his kitten, Moo Cow, off. I was even more happier to get rid him when the last thing he said was, "I really want us to be friends. I'm really trying to turn my life around." WHATEVER!!!!!!!

Now if my brain hadn't been galloping in a thousand directions at once while returning home! I was totally daydreaming, thinking about camping with Brandan, Gwynn not being at school (and she wasn't today either), the band, Dad coming home . . . everything, basically. I think maybe two or three nerve cells were pay attention to the road at all. OK, maybe you shouldn't read what's next. You'll just think I'm stupid. I mean I shouldn't jump to conclusions like that, but I guess I'm tired of people teasing me about certain things. You see I swear a faery was standing in the middle of the road and I knew I wouldn't be able to brake soon enough. I was going to hit it, so I swerved towards the right, hitting a big oak tree. I mean, I couldn't live with myself if the first faery I actually got to see for real I then hit with my Jeep. I was so excited and scared at the same time! I was so completely idiotic. I'm lucky I only got a few bruises. I could have killed myself. I did murder my poor Jeep. :-( I was so dazed when I climbed out my Jeep and walked to the middle of the lane where I saw the faery to see if he or her was alright. I just couldn't bare thinking I could have injured it. I screamed totally pissed off when I was it was one of those vile lawn jockey statues that are so evil and racist. Some ASSHOLE must have thought it would be SO FUNNY to put it in the middle of the road. I'm laughing so hard. Can't you see through all my tears and enormous? I mean what's more comedic than having to find a pay phone and calling Triple A to tow your Jeep away? What's more hilarious than the tow truck driver, his pants hanging down so far I could see the completely disgusting crack of his butt, telling you there was not hope for your transportation ever being repaired? NO HUGS AT ALL EVER FOR WHOMEVER PUT THAT UGLY THING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER!

I don't know what I'm going to do. I tried to calling Dad, but ended up just leaving a bunch of pathetic messages. Aunt Minnie wasn't very sympathetic at all, reprimanding in a totally annoying and condescending voice. Don't get me wrong. She was relieved and happy that I wasn't hurt. I just ABSOLUTELY DIDN'T NEED TO HAVE HER LECTURE ME ON HOW CARS ARE EVIL AND DANGEROUS! I even tried to change the subject by printing out my paraphrasement (is that a word?) of the part of Grandfather's journal she wanted me to read. That seemed to distract her from her tirade for a bit until she finished it. At first I thought she liked it, but I instantly knew she didn't when she started to shake her head in her trademarked disapprovingly way that is SO FRUSTRATING! She said, and I quote the best that I can, "You didn't pay much attention, I see. You skimmed a lot didn't you, Erin? Erin, I remember my father and your Grandfather telling me about this when I was a younger. I also remember it clearly since I recently read it carefully, which apparently you haven't in the slightest. This is from when your Grandfather was a teenager, the first time he was in Kilfinane and that was after World War One. The second time he was there was after World War Two." HOW ANNOYING IS THAT? WHAT A BITCH! What I really hate is that she was completely right. I can't believe how I jumbled everything up. I even checked it all over again (which I guess was good since it distracted me from my accident, the Jeep sitting in the driveway to remind me of what a dunderhead I am). Ughh! Next week I'll try to tell the rest of it. It's the section of his journal that I even put a part of here! I can't believe myself. I just wish I hadn't let Aunt Minnie down. I don't want her to think I'm dumb. :^(

I guess there's plenty more to talk about since I haven't said anything about today. I just don't feel like going into all details like I usually do. The gist of Thursday is this. Dad called me back before school. He made me feel tons better. He even told me a story about how he had wrecked his car once when he was in his twenties trying not to hit a goat that had wandered into the road. He said he would take care of the insurance and everything. When he gets back (which he promised would be this Sunday), the first thing he was going to do was to take me car shopping. Yay! *jumps up and down in excitement, scaring Manny* What else did I do today? Practice was decent. Chris was back to his normal frustrating self. It was like he hadn't ever said anything in the Jeep about wanting to change. Figures. After practices I stopped by Starbucks to visit Brandan. We've hardly seen each other at all this week, just talking on the phone planning our trip. He gave me the biggest hug ever and best kiss too. He said he was so relieved I wasn't hurt in my accident. We talked more about his trip too, before he had to end his break and go back to making mochas and fraps and stuff. I even saw Joe hanging out on the sidewalk like he always does. He asked me if I still had the rock he had given me. I pulled it out of my pocket and showed it to him, making him smile, which was cool because all I have ever seen him do is frown. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about school, but then again, there's not much to say about that. Just the normal junk. Mr. Callahan was a jerk. Classes were the usual. Cheryl, Marcus and I ate lunch together and talked about Gwynn. I guess since I got back from Starbucks (and let me tell you I absolutely hate the bus!!!!!!!!!!!), I've been all hermit in my bedroom doing homework and playing with Manny. Thankfully, Aunt Minnie hasn't need anything so I've had total peace and quiet. She seemed pretty happy today because she got the package with the stuff she need Thyme sent.

Alright, I so need to go to sleep now. I think I could sleep forever right now. *Hugs*

PS I just noticed that Manny knocked over the Maneki Neko Dad sent me. It's totally cracked now. :o(

Wednesday, October 2, 2002

she's eating: carrots and a 'pepperoni roll' wishes she was eating: cheesy stuffed mushrooms and portabella sandwiches

ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM! I'll stop like a hummingbird for a few seconds to make my entry, lol.

I tried calling Gwynn to make sure she's OK but I got no anwer on the phone. Then I tried calling Cheryl and she knew nothing and we ended up talking about Brandan for a while. lol It was good. Crazy hippy! He seemed so normal at first. Anyway, then I called Marcus and he knew nothing and our conversation ended a little terse because he was still upset about the other day when Cheryl and me made him leave during the abortion talk with Gwynn. Grow up little boy! >:-(

Talked to Dad. He's been very busy and sick. His voice was all nasally and he sounded like he just woke up. *rubs maneki neko for good luck* Get better! (c: He said he should be coming home soon to stay for a little while longer. Yay! But Minnie won't be too happy to hear that! I can guarantee she'll be gone by tomorrow, lol. That sucks since we've patched things up again. Perfectly imperfect timing!

Gawd, I'm picking up Chris to take to practice. Blech. *shudder* I'm going to put newspaper on the backseat and make him sit there! LOL Seriously. I could strangle Patrick! He must have given this creep my phone number, which means he probably knows where I live too. The sooner Dad gets home the better. I'll feel safer with him around if Christ knows where I live! Brett stopped by and when I told him Chris was in the band he got a serious look on his face and then kind of chuckled. We're the butt of some big Chris joke! Gawd, we're so not ready for this gig and everyone but us seems to know it. )c: Oh gawd, last night at practice Chris's kitten kept getting into stuff it wasn't supposed to so he put it into his guitar case. I'm not fucking joking! And that's not even the worst part...well, it's the cruellest part I guess. But the kitten peed in the case! LOL Go kitten! But wait, it didn't even faze Chris and he just put his guitar back in the case like he didn't eve notice! I don't know if I should laugh or call the doctors in white coats. LOL

I'm excited about this weekend's camping trip with Brandan. For as much as I cut on him I like him twice as much. *blushes* I hope we can work it out, but it's not looking too good. He's too crazy hippy and I'm too...whatever I am. lol So now that Dad's coming back 'SOON', which could mean anything, I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to go on the trip. If Minnie is still around I can easily fool her. But if Dad's home he'll be more skeptical and he doesn't take kindly to lies and stuff. *sigh*

OK, as promised here's the story of my grandpa and the pooka. Gawd, there's so much that happened I can only offer a pretty half assed synopsis. And of course I'm not nearly as good as good old grandpa with writing. ;- If Aunt Minnie is a good drawer, grandpa was a good writer. And I'm left with no talent at all, lol. Anyway...

After World War II grandpa came to Kilfinane with a friend he made during the war named Jimmy Cassidy???. (He only writes the last name once and it's kind of smudged up.) Anyway, him and Jimmy found out they both believed in very similar things and became really good friends in France I guess. They stayed in a shack over the hill behind Jimmy's parents house since they took a boarder during the war to get a little extra income and help with chores. For a while grandpa and Jimmy would go 'bounding about the countryside as if still we were little boys' but eventually got a job building a wall from stones they collected from old houses that had become ruins a long time ago. Kilfinane is surrounded by mountains on three sides except to the north and it has alot of ruins. So grandpa and Jimmy would collect stones from these ruins at the feet of the mountains to put into a cart and would be alone all day way away from the 'comfort of company'. It was this way they would start hearing weird braying, like from a horse. I guess this was before grandpa really communicated with the faeries on a regular basis and he had no clue what it was. Well, the guy he was helping make the wall for, Byron Baerd told both of them that it was a pooka in horse form roaming the low slopes of the mountains amongst the ruins looking for a victim to shoot up nudge up onto its back and carry away to throw it into water or against some rocks. Both grandpa and Jimmy believed very strongly in the 'fae', especially my grandpa since he had some experience with them. Plus, it was much more acceptable to believe in faerie tales there than say here in America. Anyway, Mr. Baerd at first told them to be very careful when out getting stones for the wall. He told them that one should always be a lookout man while the other does the actual loading and if they saw a great black horse they should hide under the cart, where the horse couldn't stamp them or thrown them up onto its back. Grandpa took his advice while they went out to collect stones but soon the braying was getting closer and closer to them, until once they got out away from town the braying would begin and be so loud it hurt their ears! Grandpa and Jimmy stopped cavorting in the countryside when they weren't working because of the pooka. Alot of people stopped believing them since nobody else ever heard the pooka. Mr. Baerd was very upset to learn of this because the pooka was stalking them and because it was sort of his fault since he was sending them out to get stones from the ruins. He sent out a third guy with them on their trips for stones for extra safety, even though this was a big extra expense for him and he wouldn't be able to hire as many people during the harvest as he normally would, not that anyone really wanted to work anyhow (which is why he liked Jimmy and Grandpa so much, probably). The braying from the pooka didn't stop and loud thuds of hooves could now be heard. It was like 'the great beast was snaking through the mountains toward us in intervals and was due at any moment to loom over any ridge, as an equine shadow giant' even though pookas were really only ever maybe a litte bit bigger than the normal animals they mimic. The new guy Mr. Baerd sent along said he could hear hundreds of voices bubbling like a brook. Mr. Baerd had them all stop collecting stones from the ruins even though his wall was only about one third of the way finished. He was afraid grandpa and Jimmy wouldn't take his advice to keep away and so he hired the them to thresh oats, but couldn't really afford to keep them busy and in town for very long. This didn't really matter because the pooka seemed to have it in for either Jimmy or grandpa anyway and soon the whole town could here the pooka at sundown every day. When Jimmy and grandpa had first come back from the war they got a kind of mixed reception from the people of the town because they shared the sympathies of the fae, who saw everyone that fought in the war with machines as being very destructive to natural habitats and stuff, no matter if one side was right to be fighting the other. So most blamed Jimmy and grandpa for the arrival of the pooka. Out of respect to Jimmy's family they didn't ask them to leave but they made life a lot harder for both of them. Some reports of sightings of the pooka started to filter into town, like farmers seeing giant black horses grazing with their cattle or horse heads just underneath the water staring out at the person. Things came to a head the first time when a traditional ritual involving giant fires kindled from 'tenaigin' (fires started from wood being rubbed together) that cattle were driven between to purify them from disease was messed up by the pooka. As the cattle were being driven between the giant fires a large black shape hit one of the farmers 'like a train gone mad, plowing its own random track through the nighted countryside'. The farmer wasn't able to be found, not that anyone had much courage to look around at the time. Immediately Jimmy and grandpa were kicked out of town. That very night, with nowhere to go. The townspeople saw them as a sort of unfortunate sacrifice that they brought on themselves by being 'full of youth's brashness, clothed in the impunity of ignorance'.

*whew* I hadn't realized just how long the story is! This will have to wait until tonight or tomorrow. Besides, I'm a terrible writer anyway. I probably should have just transcribed what my grandfather wrote. His prose has so much more power to it. I've got to cut it off for now and head to practice. Ugh. We're starting an hour late and staying and hour late too. I must not be very dedicated 'cause this is killing me while everyone else seems to enjoy all this practice, except for maybe Chris. I can't really tell with him! lol Freak. Sorry, but he just is. :-|

*sneezes a cloud of hug bugs*

P.S. I'm such a flirt! I totally didn't mean to, but I guess I led Julian along and made him think I was available or something. I didn't even realize I hadn't mentioned Brandan to him. *oops* He called and wanted to know if I wanted to go on a date with him. *dies of stupidity* I explained I couldn't realy go on a date since I was 1) preiously engaged this weekend and 2) previously engaged as having a boyfriend. He took it well in that he didn't get angry, he just kind of died on the phone, 'oh, oh...OK, um I'm really sorry!' Urgh. I told him I liked him alot and I'd like to do something together as friends and not as a date sometime. I go for so long without any kind of boyfriend and then all of a sudden I have to beat them off with a stick! lol

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

Practice was really good today. Ray played around with his little rhythm machines, putting a little more breathing room between the drumming they make (is that right? what do you call that any?) I swear we sound like a new band now. It almost sounds great to me, and I hate almost everything that I make. The only times practice was annoying was when Chris would open his big fat mouth, telling one of his annoying stories. I can’t believe Ray hangs on his every word like Chris is preaching to him. At least Patrick doesn’t believe his dumb stories. I don’t know how many of Chris’ stories I can take myself. One of them he told tonight completely made me want to barf. I guess five years a go he was in some dumb grunge band called Sand Blaster 87 or 90 or some stupid number like that. (What’s with idiotic tough guy names like that? :^@ LOL.) Anway, his band was touring with another and he had this completely mean contest going on with the guitar player in the other band. Every night they would compete to have sex with who they thought was the ugliest girl at the show, the other band members judging. How absolutely cruel and despicable is that and how horrible is it that Chris completely laughed while he told us about it like it was cool or something? I felt so horrible for the poor girls Chris and that other BASTARD abused! Someone should put a rub band around Chris’ testicles like a sheep so they fall off and that isn’t the least he deserves. WHAT A COMPLETE MONSTER! I was he played really bad so we could kick him out, like that would do anything. I swear Ray has a crush on him or something. Ughhhh! :^ (

I guess I should try to tell now what happened to Brandan with that medicine woman. It probably won’t make you laugh, but I have to admit I was completely giggling after I got off the phone with Brandan. I can’t believe I held it in while he was telling me about it. I swear my mouth was ready to start laughing non stop any second even though Brandan could have been really hurt. Anyway, when he got there everyone was sitting on the floor around the Medicine Woman, who sat on on a chair, asking her questions. Brandan decided he wanted to ask her about smudging because he just knew he had messed it all up when had tried to do it with me and him. I hadn’t realized that that was the first time Brandan had ever smudged before. LOL. So, finally it was his turn and he asked about it. He was really excited when she offered to show him how by smudging him. First she said he had to take off all of his clothes, which sort of bothered him. Even though Brandan likes to talk about love and being at ease with your body, he is so self conscious . . . even when he takes his clothes off around me. LOL. I’m totally surprised he did it, especially in front of everyone. She then explained to him that you have to ask “sacred plants” permission before you start the ceremony because the plants are like doing you a favor. I wonder what sort of favors the shrubs in the front yard can do for me? LOL. According to Brandan, she had this wand of tied together desert sage (whatever that is) and she started talking to it in Sioux or whatever Sioux people speak. After about five minutes she told the group that the sage had given its permission to be used. So she lit it up and began move the smoke around Brandan, who stood their nervously shaking. When she decided he was cleansed, she then asked Brandan if he wanted her to smudge him osho to protect from further negative contamination. Brandan decided he might as well since he was already naked after all. LOL. So she got this other wand of osho and talked to it too for awhile. Then, like before, she lit it, but she kind of had too close to a rug or something that was hanging on the wall behind her, catching it on fire. The smoke alarms complete went off and the fire spead all over the wall, forcing them all to flee the apartment. Poor Brandan didn’t even have a chance to grab his clothes. He was stuck outside until the fire department came to put out the fire. Some burly fireman gave him a blanket. LOL. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy Brandan or any of the other people weren’t hurt, but isn’t that almost the most ridiculous thing ever? LOL.

Tomorrow I promise first thing I’ll put in here what happened to Grandfather with the Pooka. I’ve completely run out of time again and I have a lot of homework to do. I don’t think the flood will ever stop. I think I might drown soon if I don’t find a life preserver. :o( I am so extremely busy after school anymore. If it isn’t the Jubilee Café then it’s practice and if it’s none of those then it’s doing errand for Aunt Minnie. Also, I absolutely have to call Gwynn now. I am beyond concerned now that she’s been gone two days. *Hugs*

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

Got to rush this one, heading to band practice and I have homework. *wimper* This is going to be like hell week for the Marines or the Coast Guard or whatever. )c: Gawd, I appreciate having this new guy Chris in the band because of his experience and all but he's a real creep! You should see his totally gross teeth! It's like he's from Britain! LOL, um....sorry any Britanic people out there. To make things worse, he always has to smile. Ugh. Even creepier is that he carries around a little kitten in his hand, like a villain from a cheesy old James Bond movie or something. Anyway, as if that shit isn't enough to totally creep anyone out, I found out from Patrick during lunch that he's got this famous history for 'depravement and debauchery' (did I spell that right, probably not, lol). Like, he's got seven kids all across the country that he doesn't even take care of or know at all! What a fucking creep! And he's in my band now. I guess Brandan may have a point about the universe being balanced and just because he sure must be deperate if he's playing in a band with three no talent High Schoolers, lol. Then I actually kind of feel sorry for him for a little bit, until I remember the teeth. I've got to stand next to him in practice again! :-@ I kept trying to very subtly move away from him while we were practicing and he kept following me around! It was like an super slow motion race around and around a garage that smells like gasoline. Totally absurd. Patrick was totally cutting on him at lunch. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time! (Thanks Patrick.) He said a lot of the stuff is probably just rumors, but with this guy you'd really wonder. Yikes!

Speaking of Patrick poking fun of Chris today, I wonder if he does that with me? Gawd, I can't just relax and let what I don't know not bother me. :-( But he makes fun of Ray too, and they're like best friends now I guess. And he made fun of Chip. Blech. It's probably better just to remain willfully ignorant! Which shouldn't be too hard for me. :=

Still no sign of Gwynn. I don't want to jump to conclusions but...maybe she's decided to have her abortion? I hope so. I hope she doesn't keep it. I really hope that if she does have it she gives it up for adoption! And I hope most of all she's not missing because she's hanging around North! Poor gal. )c: If I was the praying kind of person I would be praying for her.

Oh! I finally looked through the lens thingy Minnie gave me how long ago? LOL What a blunder head I am. (Like, I completely forgot to talk about Brandan's 'great experience' with the part Indian woman.) It was my grandpa's and I had set it up on a stack of his journals sitting in the chair normally reserved for my pile of dirty clothes *slob slob slob*. Minnie said it was special to him and now I can really see why! I'm such a MORON. My hopes are way too high. )c: When I first looked through it actually thought I was seeing really pretty energy patterns or faeries or into the land of faeries or something stupidly mystical like that. LOL *blushes* Just goes to show how willing I am to believe when I immediately think those kind of things about a KALEIDOSCOPE. I mean, I wasn't elated for very long before I figured it out. But, gawd, that I'd automatically jump to that kind of conclusion at all. I was embarrassed and nobody else even saw me making a fool out of myself! 8-P I guess I was extra-willing to think there was something magical about it because Minnie told me it was special to my grandpa. LOL But now I know what she meant. On the rim there's an inscription written I think in Gaelic - some language I can't read at any rate. I'll ask Minnie when I have some time. She can really go on once you get her started on stories! (c:

Speaking of stories...I promised I'd give a synopsis of what happened with my grandpa and the pooka over in Ireland. Well, I'll give some of it *YIKES*. No I won't! I've got to run like a track star. It'll have to wait until tonight's or tomorrow's entry. Bare with me, busy busy busy. (c:

*pulls a plug and sinks the hug tug*

P.S. I promise I'll tell you what happened with Brandan and the semi Indian woman! It's hilarious, even if it isn't supposed to be. Typical Brandan, I'm finding out. :-/

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

Today has been longer than long. I am so wiped out. The Jubilee Cafe was fun. It was totally more busy than when I was there Wednesday I was like a humming bird zipping back and forth clearing and cleaning tables. Joe was really cute too. He came up to me, sniffed the air, and said, "You smell like Thanksgiving. Not Help," and handed me this shiny black rock. I thanked him and gave him a big smile, humoring him.

I didn't really get to talk to Julian except during our ten minute break. He's sort of hard to talk to since he's so introverted. I finally pried him open when I asked him what he'd been listening to lately. He said he'd been listening to a lot of minstrels lately, people like Al Jolson and Emmet Miller. I didn't have the foggiest clue who they were, though it seemed like he expected me to. Boy did I feel kind of dumb. Emmet Miller sounded kind of neat though. Julian said he used to yodel in some of his songs. I know this sounds dorky, but I've always thought that yodelling was beyond impressive. I can't imagine something like that coming out of my mouth!

When my shift was finally over, my hurt swollen up to the size of blimps, I happened to be able to chat a little bit Shirley Fenster, who helps run Jubilee Cafe. She has to be one of the most nicest people I have ever met. She really cares alot about the homeless people who she helps, and I know that can really be hard. I even asked her about Joe. She said Joe was schizophrenic. She could tell I was nervous when she said that, so she reassured me that Joe isn't dangerous. From what she's heard, Joe dropped out of Haskell Indian Nations University in the late sixties when he first started to be crazy and has been in and out of social services since then. Shirley's also a little worried about him. She says Joe's been a lot worse off than normal lately. Usually he talks to people a lot more is way more chipper. She's been trying to get him to see a doctor at a clinic, but it hasn't worked yet. Hearing that made me completely sad. Poor Joe! I decided right there and then that when I was at the cafe voluteering I would make him my special project. I just don't understand how Brandan could have been to Joe. He's so nice and the rock he gave me is so pretty.

After that I had to head straight to band practice at Ray's house. I was ten minutes late because my Jeep decided to make my life miserable by being difficult to start again. When I finally made it there, I was expecting Ray to completely scream at me. It actually wound up the opposite. When I got there that creepy older guy, Chris Weisshell was there. Ray told me that after I left the party on Saturday night, Patrick and him had asked Chris to join the band to help them get ready for the big show. Steam totally came out of my ears. I told Ray I was tired of him and Patrick making decisions without ever asking what I thought. I was either in the band or wasn't. If I was in the band, then I expected to be part of stuff like new band members and all that. >:^0 After I said what I should have said when Chip was kicked out, I braced for myself for Ray, but Ray was really nice. He agreed with me and promised that I wouldn't be left out of any more decisions. Both him and Patrick considered me to be fully part of band. I have to admit, though, that Chris was totally what the Uldras were missing. His bass playing brought back what we were missing since Ray had been such a dick to Chip. I almost had hope that our seven songs would be good enough for when we opened for Brett's band. At the very least, we wouldn't really embarrass ourselves. We're also going to practice every night but next Saturday until the show. Yikes! Of course, my good feeling had to be almost ruined when practice over. When I was leaving Chris winked at me in a really gross way. He's such a good musician. I wish he didn't have to be so disgusting.

I dreaded going home. I'd be back in slave mode, serving each of Aunt Minnie's whims. I need some to make an emancipation procolamtion for me so I can be fee again! As soon as I open the door, Aunt Minnie was calling for me to go upstairs. I didn't have the chance to pet Manny, who met me as soon as I came in. I was ready for anything when I open the door, but Aunt Minnie just asked me to sit down on the bed beside her. She then apologized for being so totally annoying since she broke her leg. She explained how difficult it is for her to have to depend on someone else and how she wasn't used to be so helpless. She also said that being here for so long made her feel guilty because she realized that she should have spent more time be there for me since my mother's passing. She gave me the biggest hug ever after that. I felt so much better about everything. She told me not to worry about the rest of the stuff on the list, too. She'd call Thyme, her assistant manager at her health food store, and she was sending the rest of the gunk she needed priority mail. I was so happy when I left her room. I was even happier when she called me back and gave me the missing journal I had been looking for. She apologized for sending me out on a wild goose chase. I guess the book had fallen off the bed behind the nightstand when she had fallen asleep reading. She had even marked with a paperclip the part she wanted me to read. I was totally tingly with excitement! :0)

Do I even need to say I've so neglected my homework tonight? I've been entirely absorbed reading about Grandfather and the Pooka in that backwards Irish village. I've been scribbling notes in my paper journal like mad. Tomorrow I plan to give the cliff notes version of what happened here, which should be easy since I've already got an outline. Now, though, I can't stop my head from hitting my pillow anymore. I know when I'm beat and I sured do feel beat. I hope Gwynn is at school tomorrow. *hops a hug straight to you*

Monday, September 30, 2002

*brain wheezily deflates* I feel like my eyes are spinning, lol. Really. Look into my eyes I bet I can hypnotize you. (c; The teachers aren't supposed to schedule more than two tests in a single day. I think it's because of students going into post-test comas and hypnotizing their concerned families with spiralling eyes, LOL. Gawd, life would be easier if they actually followed that rule but at the same time I know there's no such rule in college and it would be a good thing if I could actually prepare for it a little bit ahead of time! Ummmmmm....given the option I'd still take less tests in a single day. *scolds self for laziness, but not too hard since that would take too much effort* LOL I was so unprepared for the first two tests (Economics and Precalculus) but I still think I might do OK even despite my recent terrible study habits. I have a way with tests, lol. I'm lucky because they seem to like me and tell me the answers. 8-P I've made my friends completely jealous and stuff over the years because of my way with tests. I just hope it holds out! The last test I was actually prepared for, but Health Sciences is a breeze. It's all stuff we learned in PE in like Junior High, lol. But instead of running or doing the 'President's Fitness Thing' we just look at the diagrams and remember things about fat content and blah blah blah. lol The funniest thing is the lady teaching Health Sciences is 1) not even a real teacher but just somebody's over involved mom and 2) just about the most unhealthy person I've ever seen! LOL Not to be mean, but she has fucking wart things that are HUGE and look like spaghetti noodles trying to run away from the back of her neck! *gets queezy and turns purple* Gawd, I'm so judgmental. But she should really get those things removed or at least cover them up! lol :-@

Mr. Callahan should start a cult or become a doctor because he obviously thinks he's GOD (capital everything, lol). I managed to catch up to where we're supposed to be in The Castle, even though nobody else is, but I must have left quite the impression when I was so out of it, um...Friday? LOL He tried tearing into me with all sorts of questions and in my mind at least I was able to come back with good answers but even so he still tried to act like I was unprepared and hadn't really read the material. *gets angry* What an asshole! He tries to find someone to humiliate and then rips into them like a hyena getting a scrap of meat off a dead wildebeest. At first I thought he was the tough type that made sure you were keeping up and that you knew your shit, but he's actually the mean type that just likes embarrassing students and making them feel inferior. >:-( Jerk.

I have no idea where Gwynn was today. I didn't see her even once. Either she's super good at staying hidden all of a sudden or she didn't come to school. I just hope everything's OK with her state of mind and I DEFINATELY hope she isn't sticking with North and his group of cronies. *crosses fingers and toes and even eyes this time* That would be the worst possible thing she could do! She's a smart girl, so why do I have that _sinking feeling that's exactly what she's doing? )c: *deepest sigh* There's nothing I can do until she feels comfortable around her old friends again. If she ever feels comfortable around us again. :-(

I've never even heard of the things I had to get Minnie! Let's see, Aconitin, Ruta 30, Arnika 30, Calendular and Hypericum(???) I hope I got the right things and that she'll finally leave me the hell alone for a while. I had no idea. No wonder Dad and her don't get along. I'll have to ask her where to get the rest of the stuff on this list, I don't even know! Insane.

Brandan said he could tell there was a 'rift developing between our souls'. Duh! He wants to try and 'mend our chasmic (a completely lame play on cosmic) wound' by 'applying the bandaid of nature'. Gawd. I actually laughed after he said that! I couldn't hold it back! LOL I'm mean. Shame on me! But 'applying the bandaid of nature'? LOL But I agreed and we're going to give it a shot. The 'bandaid of nature' apparently only means we'll go camping. Even if it ends up being over between us at least I can spend some time in the woods closer to the faeries. Plus I can get away from Minnie, assuming she's still here. (She probably will be, she's already overstayed after all.) And on top of those two pluses it will be nice to actually camp. It's been such a long time since I've done that with my Dad! Who knows, it may turn out Brandan and me find a way to tolerate each other's preferences. At least we'll have plenty of time to enjoy each other a last time before breaking up, if nothing else. :-| Lol, I'll have to tell you about his visit with the Indian woman later. Gawd.

So I'm doing my thing at Jubilee Cafe again tonight, Mondays and Wednesdays. I don't mind much. Like I said, it makes me feel like I'm doing something that's actually good for other people, especially for people that need something good to happen to them. Plus I'll get to talk to Julian again. He's a little strange, but then who am I to judge what strange is? LOL (c: I'll bet he's either an artist or gay...or both. lol I hate stereotypes, but sometimes you can just tell. Right? It would be kind of nice to see Joe too, away from Starbucks and Brandan that is.

As if I hadn't been busy enough already Patrick called to say he and Ray decided we need to stay an extra hour each practice so we can get better sooner, especially since we're supposed to actually play...in front of PEOPLE!!! *frantic* I just love how I'm never included in these conversations with Ray and Patrick. *sarcasm* Yeah yeah, their two votes override my one, but talking it out with them first would be helpful at the very least. Ugh. This is typical man boy behavior. So is why Brett invited us to play as their opening act. He thinks his stupid girl sister will think big brother is just great and charitable and wonderful all while he gets to look good by comparison with how unprepared and unskilled we are. The sad thing is Ray and Patrick have bought into his niceness and it won't matter what I say to convince them we aren't ready and Brett isn't nice, not nice at all!!! FUUUUUUCK!!!!! :-@

Just need to take frustrations out on something...*chokes readers with big Grizzly bear hugs and tries to smile innocently*

Monday, September 30, 2002

Just a quick note tonight to say this day has been one major drag. Blech. Reading The Castle has made me feel like I'm living it out. Being ready for my tests tomorrow is my current castle that I'll never get to. So, unlike K. I'm actually going to call it quits now and get some rest. *whew* I don't know, I might actually do OK like I usually do and I'm always sure of how bad I'll do because I'm such a worrywart. I don't know, I think The Castle would be alot easier to read if I couldn't identify with K. so much! lol It's true. I get this restless feeling with a totally trapped feeling at the same time, like right now with my homework, and so reading this book and already feeling that way just make the whole thing even worse! I know I know. I'm completely insane for letting a book of all things get to me like that or for letting impending GPA doom crush me so much. LOL )c:

Blah. I'm so sleepy. I'm getting really sick of Aunt Minnie being here too. There's no nice way of saying I can't stand her company right now. I NEED MY INDEPENDANCE AGAIN!!!!! *sigh* I'm getting too used to the current situation with Dad being gone so much. If I keep this up I'll turn into a hermit, lol. I already collect things and believe in things apparently almost nobody else believes in. *mental note: work on fighting off hermitness* LOL Anyway, I could have probably studied better if Aunt Minnie hadn't been calling for me every ten minutes. Go back to sleep! And if I don't get the things on her list tomorrow I think one of us will end up dead. GRRRRRRRRR!!! When I feel anger and hatred like this I try to make myself stop and ask, 'What would a faerie do?' Or, 'How would a faerie react?' If not for being a good person acting as I imagine a faerie would act definately can't hurt my chances of meeting them, if they exist and I'm not nuts. Real or not faeries are the solidification of perfection by how they act and in their beauty. Seems more reasonable to use them as a guide than any silly religion or the greedy government.

*hugs between snores*

Sunday, September 29, 2002

GIRL TRAPPED UNDER AVALANCHE OF HOMEWORK! NO RESCUE IN SIGHT! S -- O -- S! DERANGED AUNT HOLDS GIRL AT GUNPOINT!

*waves white flag in desperation* I am so behind in everything for school right now. My extracurricular activities have completely dug a grave for me and now I'm six feet underneath the ground. My grave marker will probably just say: SHE PROCRASTINATED UNTIL THE VERY END. So this has to be quick quick. I'm a white catepillar running behind schedule or something like that from Alice In Wonderland. I have to catch up on The Castle or I am beyond hope. Mr. Callahan already thinks I'm worthless. And that isn't even mentioning the three tests I have tomorrow. I am so doomed. I am beyond doomed. Worst of all, I forgot to get the stuff on Aunt Minnie's list again. She's hasn't asked and I am so frightened to tell her that I messed up again. I have to do it tomorrow after school. There's no if's, and's or what's. I don't want Aunt Minnie to hate me. Before that goat broke her leg, I couldn't imagine her disliking anyone, but these days . . .

GIRL BARELY ESCAPES PARTY WITH LIFE!

I was so nervous last night about going to Brett's party. I just knew I would either stick out as a dumbo or everyone would just ignore or something. I mean, what do I have to contribute when everyone there was going to be all hip and stuff? I'm not hip. I'm like a yucky femur bone a dog buried in some backyard. :o( By the time I got there, lots of people were already there drinking a lot of beer. Matthew was sort of DJing the whole thing. He was the person I saw who I knew so I immediately tried to glom on to him in the living room. He'd didn't seem to mind. He even talked to me a little when he wasn't trying to decide what to play next. Then some girl came over and said hi to Matthew, me basically becoming the Invisible Girl while they caught up with each other. From there I went to the kitchen and got a beer and then tried to join one of the clots of people talking. No one seemed to notice me and I definitely kept my mouth shut. One group was talking about all these new bands combining disco and punk and if that's a good thing. I hadn't heard of any of the bands they were talking about at all, but the idea of disco and rock coming together like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup seemed kind of gross. Then again, I don't really like that beaty beat music like Cheryl does. She's love stuff like New Order, Squarepusher, etc. I think it's a one way ticket to sleepy town. One guy kept going on about some group called Pickle's Ton that he thought was like the Beatles. What a stupid name for a band! Maybe because I was so nervous, I went back to the ktichen and got another beer. I can't believe how fast I drank the first one! After I refilled my cup, I was totally shocked to see Ray and Patrick coming into the living room. They didn't even know they knew my brother that well. Speaking of Brett, I hadn't seen him at all. When I asked Matthew where he was, he just grunted that he was around somewhere. Even though I didn't really want to talk to Ray and Patrick, they were the only people I really knew so I went over to talk to them. They seemed like they didn't really know anyone either because they stayed together sort of looking at everyone else. Patrick didn't seem too excited to see me. He could barely acknowledge me. Ray was nice, though. He just started to chatter away at me, even though I couldn't really follow what he was talking about. I'm not sure if it was the beer I had drank or what Ray was trying to say. The only thing I really remember well, is that we all three agreed that we needed to practice more. I think around then Brett finally appeared, stopping by where we were hiding in the corner. He told Ray that the Gluons had headlining gig at Mongo's in a couple of weeks. Brett wanted to know if the Uldras were interested in opening for them. Patrick and Ray immediately agreed, getting all excited. I felt my stomach turn in on itself like a black hole. WE AREN'T EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE TO BEING READY! Pretty soon after that I went home. I couldn't handle it anymore and I was completely nauseous thinking about the band actually playing. Maybe it's evil to think this, but I sort of felt like Brett wanted us to open for him because he thought we would suck and make his band look better. I know that's probably a petty thing for me to think and it's probably not true, but I couldn't help myself. Oh, and I almost forgot. One guy was completely flirting me when I was trying to leave, but he was so beyond gross! He has like old and so yucky. He said his name was Chris Weisshell and he kept trying to impress me by telling me he used to be in a big Los Angeles punk band called Level Zero. I don't know why he was at the party! He was at least ten years older than everyone else there and who cares about some old band that doesn't exist anymore? He could obviously tell I hadn't heard of them because then said he was also in two man band called Fireman Puppy Trainee Head Trauma that did avant garde experimental stuff. What a stupid name for a band! I bet their music was the worst ever! Thank gawd Brett rescued me and shuttled me to the door (not to mention my shock that Brett was nice by doing it). Um, I guess I'm lucky I made it home. I totally shouldn't have been driving. I was completely tipsy. It's a miracle I made it. As soon as I was parked at home I swore I would never drive like that ever again! Faeries must have protected me from killing myself! Thank you if you did!

GIRL GRUMPILY RETURNS TO DIGGING HERSELF OUT

I completely didn't mean to go on this long! I just wanted to take a little break from everything I have to do for school tonight! Sorry to cut this short, but I have to get back to studying or I am a goner for sure! I'll check back in tomorrow. Sorry to run so abrupty! *scattershot hugs*

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Just as I was about to call Brandan Aunt Minnie called for me in a totally cross voice. I couldn't figure out what she wanted at all until I remembered going up the stairs to her room. I'd completely spaced getting the stuff on the list she had given me because I was so focused on trying to do anything to help Gwynn. She was totally frustrated with me when I admitted I hadn't done it, lecturing me for what seemed forever. She told me she was just really disppointed in me. I was selfish and only thought of myself. When someone promises to do something they should do it. I swore I would do it tomorrow, or Monday after school if I couldn't any place open that had the stuff on the list. She then maked me feel tinier when she told me that because of my carelessness her leg probably wouldn't heal right and it would also continue to hurt giving her another night of bad sleep. I thought it completely didn't make sense because I know that doctor had prescribed pills for the pain. When I asked if she had run out, she said she refused to take them. She needed what was on her list. If I didn't do it tomorrow, it would take a long time for her to trust me again. Can I just say that since Aunt Minnie broken her leg she's been TOTALLY UNBEARABLE?! I love her, but I can't wait until she can go back to Kansas City. I know that sounds bad. I can't help it and I feel terrible feeling that way about her. )C:

Right before I finally called Brandan I felt like my stomach was being pulled liked taffy. I decided to not start in on last night but just ask if he still wanted to go to Brett and Matthew's party tonight. Brandan was totally unsure if he wanted to go. He went off on the negative energy he didn't understand why I hadn't let him finish smudging me. Ughh, I was so frustrated with him. He then said this medicine woman who was 1/16 Sioux was going to be at one of his friend's houses and we had been invited to come over to meet her. I tried to bring the talk back to why I'd called, but Brandan wouldn't stop talking about how wise the medicine woman was. He said it would be a "spiritual blast." I lost my temper completely, especially since he had said he wanted to go to the party. HOW DARE HE TRY TO CHANGE THE PLANS! I totally hung up on him. I completely made everything a billion times worse. Maybe he is right. Maybe I do need to be smudged. I just seem to disappoint everyone lately. Some people, like at I Heart Music, even think I'm not real. I wish I wasn't. :o(

YIKES! I complete lost track of time (again)! I need to get ready for the party tonight! What should I wear? I'll tell you everything about it tomorrow. I promise. *laddles out homestyle servings of hugs*

Saturday, September 28, 2002

Gawd, I feel so sorry for Gwynn! I've just been *sobbing* for her. I've spent most of my Saturday morning orchestrating an OK time for me, Cheryl, and Marcus to go visit Gwynn. With all our shcedules even on a Saturday it was a mess! Finally I stopped hanging up with one and calling another to see if such and such time was OK or not and made the other two get on as a conference call. (I thought I was a busy beaver with all this Brandan, band, school, Minnie, Jubilee Cafe, etc. stuff but apparently I don't really know what busy is!) So we finally figured out a time that was clear in our schedules and calculated a meeting place equidistant from each of our houses, lol. We decided to drop in on Gwynn unexptectedly because if we called we knew she'd just make up an excuse and say she was busy or whatever. Ugh. It's not like I was eager to shove Gwynn's misery back in her face by organizing one of those stupid 'intervention' things, but we were...are really concerned about her! Anyway, we get to her house and go around back where she usually is gardening or reading or always something and she's back there and she just rolls her eyes and groans. OK, I guessed this wasn't going to go so great, now I know it's not. We told her how we were so worried about her and how I saw the bandages on her wrists and how we were concerned about her hanging out with someone like North, etc. etc. At first I could tell by how she was standing really rigid she was really angry we had ambushed her with one of these sappy intervention things. But she cooled down and I think she could tell we were only doing this because we really, truly cared about her and it wasn't one of these drama queen soap opera things so many of the people in my school seem to like to live out. She told us about what exactly happened with her getting pregnant but made us promise to keep it in confidence, which I totally will. So, sorry anybody reading here! Even though this is my journal it's a semi-public journal and even if people from Lawrence aren't reading it and even if probably nobody knows any of the people I'm talking about in here I think I should honor that promise. Let me just say that if I ever see North again I will kick him between the legs. I'm serious! I'm not saying he got her pregnant, but just that he is a total, complete asshole. GRRRRRRRRR!!!! Maybe I can hire someone to beat him up for me. lol That's only half joke though.

Gwynn's told her parents and I guess they didn't take it well at all at first. But it made me feel much me feel much more at ease that she even felt comfortable enough to tell them at all! She said she doesn't know if she's going to have an abortion yet or not. She knows how much having a baby now would screw with her life (as in totally fucking it up). I told her she should really think about having the abortion and that she really has to look out for her own best interests at this time. Ugh. This is where we had to ask Marcus to step away for a few minutes! He's a guy so of course he was taking a typical guy attitude toward it right then when we needed a unified front of support for Gwynn. Don't get me wrong, I like Marcus, but he was pulling a total asshole maneuver there and he should have known it. >:-( What is it with guys? Even if he disagrees then was not the time to voice his meaningless and definately unhelpful opinion!

She said the wrist thing was unconnected with her pregnancy and that's actually how she found out she was pregnant. I shouldn't go too much into detail but suffice it to say she was depressed, tried to hurt herself, started getting help for it at the Bert Nash CMHC upon the insistence of a psychiatrist at the hospital (willing out-patient help is definately better than getting forcible in-patient help!). Anyway, at the hospital they did a bunch of different tests even though all she did was cut her wrists and noticed something strange in some of the results. *pops baloon head* I can't remember which test it was. Blood work? Anyway, they found out she was pregnant through a test to see if she had done anything else to herself. Sooooo finally, that means she can't take the depression medicine they would have subscribed to her!!! Ack!

Gwynn didn't go into detail about what led up to her downward spiral. I guess she didn't really go into it at all. She really opened up to us but she stayed zipped up about that. Something obviously happened. I just hope it's something that won't keep eating at her and I hope she can find the strength to recover from her trauma! *tears up* She's still pushing us away and asked us to leave (asked, not told which is a BIG step in the right direction!), but I'm counting on her knowing there's a support base of friends for her and that she doesn't have to suffer through whatever depressed her in silence and that we'll support whatever decision she ends up making with her pregnancy. Days like these remind me of just how lucky I have it. Sure, I haven't heard from my Dad in something like a week now, but I don't have it so bad I feel like I have to kill myself! For how unlucky I am it turns out I'm really lucky after all. (c:

Off to call Brandan...

*hugs*

Friday, September 27, 2002

I totally got a late start trying to meet Brandan at La Prima Tazza. Aunt Minnie kept trying to talk to me about an article she read in the newspaper about some meat packer in Wisconsin that recalled a bunch of hamburger because it had e coli in it. It was a complete lecture about how I endangered myself by continuing to eat "flesh," as she always calls meat trying to make it sound like cannibalism or something. Aunt Minnie is so gross sometimes. My fingers crossed, the Jeep started up pretty fast, which kind of scared me. I mean I knew that probably meant it would just give me trouble late on tonight. It was try to fool me, but I'm on to it. LOL. Of course, I don't think it was good sign that when I was backing out on to the street I noticed a crow sitting on top of mailbox. I could sware it was watching, but that would be completely ridiculous. I mean there's a reason why dumb people are called birdbrains because birds aren't very bright. Right? I meant that is the origin of "birdbrain" isn't it?

Driving to La Prima Tazza, I couldn't help think it was sort of retarded that Brandan wanted to talk in a coffee shop when it was his day off. If I worked at Starbucks, the last place I would want to be another place just like it. When Brandan suggested La Prima Tazza, I tried to get him to change his mind, but he was impossible. He went off on how La Prima Tazza was different than Starbucks because it was independent and not some big corporation that didn't care about anyone. He completely missed my point, which I guess he does a lot of the timt. I completely shouldn't have been thinking about stuff like that because it just got me all tense by the time I parked my car and met him inside.

Brandan was really weird. His pupils were enormous and he seemed to have trouble tracking anything I would say. I tried to talk to him about what was going on between us, but we would just sort of zone out. It made me totally angry. I was about to tell him off, when he said he knew what was wrong. He could see it clearly. He felt the negative energy that had built up and he knew how to get rid of it. *sadly sighs* I completely cringed when he said he wanted to go back to his apartment and "smudge" us. I didn't even know what that was but I know I didn't like how it sounded. It sounded pornographic. After that I think we stayed at La Prima Tazza for maybe fifteen more minutes before he went to his place. During that time he wouldn't shut up about how Mongo's had polluted both of us even more last night with all of its negative energy. He especially blamed the Gluons. We had to "smudge" as soon as possible. Whatever! I'm such an idiot for going along. I wish I would put my foot down more often. If I had, only if I had . . .

I wish I had known what "smudging" was before I agreed to do it. *hits forehead with palm of hand* I also realized I'd never actually been to Brandan's apartment. He usually meets me somewhere or I pick him up after he gets off work. His studio apartment was really really tiny and totally clutttered with books and CDs and candles. On his walls he had all these posters for Phish, Dave Matthews, the Grateful Dead, Disco Biscuits. As soon as we walked on, Brandan rushed around lighting all the candles. Then he turned off the lights. He thought it set a mood, but I thought it was sort of spooky. I just stood there like a birdbath while he gathered a whole bunch of stuff which he dropped on the coffee table near the couch. I couldn't take it anymore. I guess I was sort of really harsh when I asked him what he was doing. He just said again he was going to smudge us. After he was all set up, he told me it was a Native American ritual. He picked up this stick thing with some dried up plants bundled up at the end and lit it with his lighter. It smelled a lot like sage and it made start sneezing uncontrollably. He then started to wave the smoke at me with his hand, making me totally even more mad because I started to sneeze even more >:o(. I think that's when I basically exploded, screaming at him to stop. Brandan paused, and believe it or not, said, "I can see auras, Erin. Yours is completely covered in black blotches. I have to do this for your own good. The negative energy is like cancer and it's eating your soul." At that I'd had it and marched myself right out the door and drove home. *shakes head and sniffles* I wish I knew what to do about Brandan. Parts of him I love so much. I wish I could just cut out the icky parts!

Gawd, I don't even think I should say anything about what happened to Gwynn today. North totally slapped her in the cafeteria during lunch and called her a whore. As soon as I saw it, I started to run over to protect her, but luckily Mr. Sanders, the shop teacher, intervened really quick, slamming North to the ground. Cheryl told me after school that she'd heard that North has been permanently suspended. The worst was when I tried to give Gwynn a hug and help her. She's was crying so much and her face was swelled up from where North hit her. Right before Mr. Sanders started to help her to the school nurse she whispered in my ear she's pregnant. HOW HORRIBLE! I can't imagine how this could have happened to Gwynn! She's not like Mindy Jones who dropped out last year. Not Gwynn. Now I need to talk to her more than ever. Tomorrow I plan to call Cheryl and Marcus. The three of us HAVE TO get together. Gwynn needs us even if she doesn't know it.

OK, I have to go now. I can hear the tea kettle whistle. I promised I would bring Aunt Minnie a cup of tea to help her sleep. She's says her leg has been completely throbbing all day. Tomorrow she wants me to buy a bunch of herbs and stuff on a list she made me. She's thinks it will make her heal faster. I don't if it will work, but I'm glad to help her as much as I can. I just hope I have enough time to look for the missing journal. If I can't find it, it'll be the second one I've lost! I can't be that irresponsible can I? *Hugs*

Friday, September 27, 2002

This has got to be a quick entry since I'm meeting up with Brandan at 6. Blech. I really don't feel like talking to him at the moment. Can I sew his mouth shut and just look at him? lol How will I explain why I'm not wearing his stupid crystal necklace? Gawd, I'm probably being an asshole. I know a lot of my friends like Cheryl think he is perfect for me since he's a hippy and I suspect faeries are real but they are sourly mistaken! The two don't go together at all, at least not with me. I'm trying not to be too judgmental with Brandan and give him a shot, but sometimes I feel like I'm dating Kenny G, lol. So then I feel bad for being so harsh and try to be 'objective' (whatever that is) and then I feel bad in the opposite direction for maybe only giving him so many chances just because he's cute, which is probably true. I'm just a shallow girl after all I guess. )c: I can't wear that god-damn crystal on a hemp necklace though!!! I can't!

Wow! I got a lot of really positive and helpful response from my post at I Heart Music. I hope I can make enough time and make myself rewrite it using some of the suggestions I got. I think this is the most hits my page has ever received in a single day, which means the people at I Heart etcetera are actually interested in what I have to say and offering their suggestions! This is unusual since normally people are either completely unwilling to offer any opinion at all or are just being cruel (for the obvious faerie reasons mostly) for the sake of being cruel, like North. I almost don't know how to react. OK, that's an exagerration but you get the picture. (c:

LOL I'm not even sure I was in school today. I seem to remember.... Oh yeah! Mr. Callahan finally shot his evil gaze at me today and royally chewed me out for not being up to speed with The Castle but fortunately I was so out of it I couldn't really care, which probably only makes it worse for me in the future. *blushes* He can write about it in his blog for all I care, lol.

OK, I hate to run so quickly but I really need to. Minnie is zonked out so I'm going to make her some soup before I go. Something significant happened with Gwynn today but I am just so pressed for time I can't get it in! Sorry to leave everyone hanging!

*quick politician hugs* I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...

Thursday, September 26, 2002

I was like a sardine squeezed into a telephone booth with like a thousand other sardines because Mongo's was so crowded. I guess a lot of people knew about the secret show. It's unbelievable how popular Conner is and frankly I just don't get it. But then again, I don't like the Strokes either. I think this may be the one time I totally agree with my brother about music. The crowd was really split up into different groups too, like you could completely tell who was there to see the Gluons and who was there to see Conner. The people there for Gluons all wore thrift store clothes and hand me downs but like not because they had to but because they were making some sort of statement. They also all would just babble away gossiping about bands and people in their scene and tell stories about when they were really drunk. They sounded really catty. The Conner people all wore really nice sort of preppy clothes. I think they all had cell phones too. From what I overheard, they mostly talked about their jobs and sports. I sure didn't feel like I fit in at all, but maybe I was just self conscious because this was the first time Brandan and I had gone out to somewhere where there were people I totally knew instead of one of his "consciousness raising" activities. One thing that could have made the show better is if Brandan would have quit going on and on and on about how Mongo's was filled with toxic negative energy. He was totally worse when the bands were playing, yelling in my ear about how how music should "replenish the spirit, not deplete it." Then between bands he would try to explain how his favorite group, the String Cheese Incident, was like the culmination in western civilization of everything positive about music. He went off on how to be at a String Cheese Incident concert was like to commune with "the divinity of life." Gawd! It's bad enough he plays tapes of their lives shows all the time! How many versions of one song do you need, especially of that noodlely stuff? Geez, I keep my mouth shut when he's playing his music or when I went to that show with him. You'd think he could do the same for me!!!!!! >:o( It was sort of funny, though, when Matthew came over to where we were and said hi. It totally made Brandan jealous. LOL.

The first band that played was called Do Not Resucitate. They were totally horrendous. I HATE PUNK SKA! It's so goofy and retarded. I feel like my brain is shrivelling up inside my head, and I know I don't need that what with everything I've been losing lately like Grandfather's journal. Plus, they were just such stupid boys in that dumb I-think-I'm-So-Funny-But-No-One-Else-Does way. If North had a band it would probably be like this: completely awful.

The second band were named The Bubble Boys. They were some old pop punk band that has recently reunited, though I don't why. They were really boring. All of their songs sounded the same. A few people were just there to see him, yelling a long with every song they played and being generally beyond obnoxious.

Next were the Gluons. I didn't know what to expect since the only time I've ever seen them they were doing all those covers. At least Matthew was still the lead singer! He was incredible the way he got on the stage and just sort of glared at the audience. Then he looked over to Brett, who plays guitar, and they broke into this chaotic mess that drove Brandan crazy. Brandan kept trying to whisper in my ear, "This isn't music." At first I wasn't sure I like it, but I have to admit that Brett's band is pretty good. They have a lot of variety in their songs. Some are sort of simple and scratchy and some really make your feet tap. It's always really funny how serious Brett looks, his face all scrunched up like a little old man while he plays. Have I mentioned how hot Matthew was? I guess maybe Brandan should have been jealous of him. LOL.

Finally, the secret band, Conner, came on and it was pretty obvious by then that most of the people were there for them. All the preppy people with cell phones were screaming for them and Conner seemed to like being worshipped. Their lead singer is such an egotistical jerk. I couldn't stand watching them so I told Brandan I wanted to go home. He was more than happy to leave.

Before we left we found Brett, Matthew and the rest of the band so I could tell how much I liked them. Brett smiled more than I can ever remember. Matthew invited me to a party he and Brett are having next Saturday and Brett didn't even seem to mind. Brandan seemed to, sort of inviting himself to the party before I could even ask if he wanted to go. When Brandan took me home he tried to lecture me about what good music should be about. We completely got into a fight and I am still pretty mad at him for trying to bully me because of what I like. He just wouldn't get the clue that I didn't want to keep talking and talking about it. When I got out of his car, he tried to give me a kiss but I just didn't want him to. Ugh! Tomorrow I'm going to have to talk to him again. Yay for poor me.

Amazingly enough I feel totally tired right now. I think I might actually fall asleep without having to stare at the ceiling for hours or pester Manny. The show has completely worn me out. Good night, everyone! *arms wide open to give the best hug ever*

Thursday, September 26, 2002

OK, I cannot find that journal anywhere!!! LOL I accidentally typed blog instead of journal at first. Just goes to show how much of a LOSER (*makes L shape on head and bobs back and forth*) I am if the word 'blog' has become a regular part of my vocabulary. Nah, not really...maybe. Anyway, like I said, this journal has turned up missing. Of course it did. What should I expect? It's the one I really want to read and I can't find it. It's a law! >:-( Actually, it is a law isn't it? Murphy's Law, right? Ugh. If I turn anything else over looking for that journal the whole house will actually be upside down! I'm not joking. At least then it might fall out of whatever nook it's lodged in, lol.

So at school today Cheryl and me and Marcus (a friend of Gwynn's that Cheryl recruited; apparently he's been getting the cold shoulder too) approached Gwynn during lunch. Our plan didn't go as planned at all! Gwynn was sitting with North and his preppy crew of assholes (hey Asshole Squad, you're not in Prep School so you don't have to dress like it!). So we went over to her and I could see her roll her eyes as we approached. When we got there our plan turned into bickering with North and company about leaving Gwynn alone to do what she wants and blah blah blah. Long story short, we accomplished nothing at all. Our grand idea *wheezed* away like a busted baloon. GRRRRRRRR!!!!! I wish I could hammer North into the dirt. Smarmy prick.

I'm pretty excited about going to Mongo's tonight. It'll be nice to see Matthew again, it's been a while. I really need to make it down to Alley Cat Records more often, where he has a job too, thanks to my brother I guess (at least that's how he makes it out to be, but who knows with him?). I don't have as much of a crush on him as I did at first anymore but he's nice and besides, I need to make it to Alley Cat Records more often just because I want to expand my musical horizons. I guess I've been sidetracked with all the stupid little things of life lately. No more! *smacks self into shape* Anyway, Brandan has never been to Mongo's (hell, I've only been once I guess) and I hope he'll be inspired to try something other than his icky mainstream pseudo hippy garbage that I have had to endure more than once! lol If I'm not careful I'll turn into a snob. (c; He's picking me up since my Jeep is a pile of rusted trash blocking the driveway from any real, working type cars from getting in.

Speaking of my Jeep, I know Aunt Minnie doesn't much like it because of how much gas it gobbles up and how much it needlessly pollutes the environment. While I agree with her in principle I have to drive something! She gets angry when she sees that commercial saying drug users support terrorism and practically yells that every oil user supports terrorism too. And she's right too, which means I support terrorism a whole lot!!! 8-@ Warning, semi-deep thought nearby: So, if we're going to attack Iraq for shady oil purposes, which I totally believe we are, shouldn't we kind of support it since it would help us lose some of our dependancy on oil and then not be supporting terrorism, at least not as much? I mean, in the long run I agree with Aunt Minnie about alternative energy but we kind of have to work with oil until that day comes, right? Aside from that, I'm totally against our War on Imaginary Terror, lol. We develop weapons of mass destruction so does that mean Timothy McVeigh and the Una-bomber were actually right to attack us?

OK, I better quit now before my amateur philosophizing gets too out of hand and embarrassing! LOL If it's not too late already! 8-P Besides, I need to get ready for my date with Brandan.

One nice thing about hippies are those cuddly plush bears that are like *hugs* incarnate! LOL

*bear hugs*

P.S. Oh! I forgot to mention the rustlings outside my window are more than ever and that last night I could see lights moving around! I'm not crazy everybody, really. Please oh please oh please just communicate with me once and for all! The anticipation is killing me! :-@ AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

If curiosity killed the kitty, then I must have a death wish! I didn't meant to push Aunt Minnie so far and totatlly didn't plan on the results of my question. It just completely bothered that she wanted to kill the goat. Since I couldn't figure out a way to innocently ask, I just figured I could, you know, ask. The light was on in her room so I just lightly knocked in case she was asleep. The doctor had given her some totally heavy pain killers. She was still up reading so I just kind of let the question pop out. She looked like she wanted to tear my head off and play basketball with it right there and then. I don't think I've ever heard her get so mad at me before, but not in like a loud way. Her voice was totally cold and almost whispery. Putting her book down on her lap, she said she I would already know the answer if hadn't just "pecked about Grandfather's journals like a little bird." She knew I had read at least a bit of what happened to Grandfather in Kilfinane because I had dog eared the page. I think I almost burst out in tears she made me feel so bad. :o( Then Aunt Minnie told me to sit down beside her, instantly giving me a hug. Stroking my hair, she said in a nicer voice that the past few days had been a total strain on her. Still, she thought, I needed to focus a little more instead of "hopping about from lillypad to lillypad like a silly frog." If was going to read grandfather's journals I really had to read them and learn from them. They weren't just a collection of fairy tales starring Grandfather. I felt even worse when she dismissed me from the room saying she needed to sleep. I wish didn't always just screw things up.

Do I even need to say I haven't been reading The Castle tonight? I've been trying to found the journal she mentioned. I mean I remember pretty well what she was talking about since I did put a chunk of it in my blog. It's the part where he talks to wife of that farmer guy who disappeared or whatever. You know, the Pooka part, because she says a Pooka kidnapped her husband and Grandfather is all excited. Also, while looking for it, Brandan finally called but I was totally short with him on the phone. I wish I hadn't been, but I was so focused on finding on the book. Good thing Brandan seemed understanding. He just wanted to make sure we were still going to Mongo's tomorrow night. I don't know how I could have been so mad at him earlier this week. He's a dream come true mostly. Now if I could only find the volume Aunt Minnie was talking about. I hate myself for always misplacing things, especially when I need them. *quietly throws a temper tantrum and scares Manny*

I’m sorry I’m so flustered right now. Really, everything isn’t usually totally one drama after another. Normally I think I can handle stuff a lot better than this. *crosses fingers really tightly* Now I totally have to go. There’s already a million things I have to get down tonight, including trying to call Gwynn again and finding the journal Aunt Minnie was scolding me about. Maybe I could concentrate better if that crow would be quiet outside. I don’t know why it’s irritating me so much! *tosses out some hugs like breadcrumbs for baby ducks*

Wednesday, September 25, 2002