Wednesday, September 25, 2002

I tried to call Brandan. I tried to call Dad. I even called Brett, but nobody was home. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so upset right now about Aunt Minnie. I think I've tried to phone Brandan a million billion times since I've been back from Memorial Hospital. Every once in a while (and know this will sound silly) I peek out the window to see if I can spot that evil black goat lurking around the house. I've tried to distract myself paging through Grandfather's journals. I've tried listening to music. Manny just sits at the end of the bed like she's shaking her head at me as if I'm crazy. Wouldn't you be completely upset if your favorite aunt in the whole world was in the hospital? I guess I won't be sleeping very well tonight. Big surprise. I won't feel good until Aunt Minnie is home tomorrow (*fingers crossed*) and I know that goat has been taken care of so it doesn't hurt anybody else. *flops on bed, praying to fall asleep, and hugs self while listening to the radio*

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I am totally in SHOCK right now! I just can't believe what happened at all. I feel so horrible for Aunt Minnie. When I got home Aunt Minnie was in the living room knitting so we just started talking and talking about the faery pictures and stuff going in my life. Yes, I told her about Brandan. I really need some advice. Then I got all paranoid that I had left the lights on in the Jeep and you know how the Jeep has been lately. Aunt Minnie, being the sweetest person ever, insisted she could go outside and check, refusing to let me go. Aunt Minnie is always thinking about everyone but herself. I wish I could be more like her and honestly I try my hardest but stuff just always gets totally complicated. I wish I had gone out to check the lights instead of her. Ugh! As soon as she walked out in the driveway, that awful black goat that always gets loose charged her, knocking her over. I heard her shouting so I ran out and the goat was trying charge her again! Luckily I had left the broom next to the front door so I was able to hit the goat over the head, making it run away. When Aunt Minnie tried to stand, she completely couldn't, screaming in pain. I could barely help her get into the Jeep so I could take her to the emergency room at Memorial. It took forever for a doctor to finally see her too. Her left leg was completely broken from falling over from that awful goat. They had to put a cast and everything on it and they kept there for the night. I think I cried more than she did because I was worried about her. The doctor said I could probably take her home tomorrow afternoon. I know what I'm going to do first thing when I wake up this morning, though. I'm going to call the police and the animal control people. That goat is a hazard and whomever owns it should have the goat taken away from them. Nobody hurts Aunt Minnie! *A half hug because I'm too tense and upset right now*

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I think my jaw fell off of my face and bounced on the floor when I showed up at band practice. Chip has been replaced by drum machine Ray built. I don’t know what I will tell Chip if he calls me. At least Ray was in a better mood today. Maybe it helped that I didn’t mention Chip at all. Patrick really didn’t say anything. I don’t think I’ve heard him really say anthing for maybe weeks. I do have to say that it’s totally weird playing to some machine sending out these totally rigid beats. I think the Uldras are really missing out without having a real drummer. I feel like a robot when I’m singing now. Even though Ray seems to like it, I can’t really decide if I do. One thing is painfully obvious to me now, though. Patrick is in no way the leader of the band like I thought. Ray is like a little king bossing us around. I think Chip doesn’t realize how lucky he is getting out. Don’t get me wrong. I’m going to stick with it, but I just don’t know to change things to make the Uldras better. I don’t want Ray yelling at me again. I’d try to talk to Patrick, but I know that would be completely useless. When practice was over we played seven songs. Ray thinks we almost have enough to play out so he’s hyper to starting organizing everything into a set. Me, I’m just nervous and unsatisfied with the band. What do I do?!!!!! I need to figure something out before we practice again Thursday. :o(

After band practice I went straight to Starbucks. I felt all shakey and worried driving over there. I think I must have been speeding too because I showed up 15 minutes early. Brandan had to finish up what he was doing inside before he could come out to talk me at where I sat biting off all my fingernails. *crunch crunch* While I waited, Joe wandered over to my table. I guess I felt guilty about what Brandan had said last time because I actually tried to have a conversation with Joe! It went something sort of like this (and, yes, I have to sort of make parts of it up because there’s no way I could it exactly right! I’m not a tape recorder! LOL) . . .

Me: Hi, Joe! How are you today?
Joe: Worried.
Me: What’s wrong?
Joe: Fall. They’re ready. Saw ‘em around a dumpster. Didn’t think I saw ‘em.
Me: Um, who did you see?
Joe: Them. They don’t think I’m on to them. Think Joe is dumb and doesn’t know about One-Eye. They’re the dumb ones. DUMB! DUMB! DUMB!
Me: I don’t understand, Joe. What do these people look like? Who are they? You know I think I’ve seen faeries, or least signs of them. Is it like that?
Joe: You should stay away from them small. No good. No good.

Get this for a first! Joe left right after that, which is probably good because Brandan walked out right after he was gone. First, Brandan gave me a big hug (I felt all tingly after that) and then sat down, a big smile on his face. Our talk sort of went like this . . .

Brandan: I’m glad to see you! Are you still mad at me? I’m so sorry, Erin! Let me make it up to you.
Me: You just made me totally mad, Brandan. You shouldn’t be mean to Joe like that. Why? It was so unlike you.
Brandan: I was just frustrated. I lost my temper. I promise I won’t let it ever happen again. I mean, hey, I like Joe as much as you do! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t even talk to him anyway, Erin. Now can we kiss and make up? Are we still on for going to see your brother’s show Thursday night?

I’m still not sure if Brandan was being sincere, but I couldn’t resist him. I mean besides that little episode with Joe, Brandan has been perfect. To be honest, I guess I’ve lost my temper plenty of times so I’d be a hippogriff if I kept being mad at him. After we kissed to make up (*sigh*), Brandan had to get back to work so I went straight home to catch up on The Castle. Mr. Callahan has been totally grilling everyone in class over the reading assignment. So far I have been so lucky that he hasn’t picked on me yet. I don’t what would happen if he did, but I’ve seen plenty of my classmates either cry or cuss after class when Mr. Callahan has grilled them. I’m pretty sure I would be a cryer. I know I would. Arggggh! I really need to get back to my homework. Enough procrastination! *Hugs until your ribs hurt*

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

BRRRRRRRR!!! It's like fall snuck up and leapt out at me from a corner! I'm shaking so much after all, lol. *cringes, bad joke I know* I didn't even get a real summer, for crying out loud! It was hot enough and all or maybe too hot but I never got to go on any kind of vacation with my Dad like we normally do every summer. Blah. Ever since Brett kind of sometimes occasionally left home for school or sleep and Dad's business has picked up our vacation...um...trip things (I'm so equolent aren't I? LOL) have been dwindling. How uncool am I for going on vacations with my Dad? How much uncooler am I for actually missing going on them? LOL :-( Anyway, Fall completely snuck up on me and it's like running into a brick wall with all the gloominess and crunching leaves and stuff. Blech. Bring back my summer I didn't have a chance to enjoy it the first time around! lol

So, I decided to 'get away from it all' and go for a walk in the woods. This thing with Gwynn and Brandan and the band and Dad being gone so much and remembering my Mom (this will be the anniversary of when she disappeared coming up) all made me feel like I just needed to escape and now! Besides, I've done so little actual work on trying to contact the faeries, if they are real, and I know I can't just sit around and wait for them to scratch through my friggin' window, lol! So I just kind of abandoned homework and stupid tv shows (Gawd, my guilty pleasure is the spectacles of the Anna Nicole Smith show, LOL, bad I know) and I noticed the weirdest thing. All the leaves are starting to fall off the trees already and most haven't even changed color! Ack! What's going on? Is this some sort of environmental side effect from all our tampering and pollution? Maybe I'm all confused or stupid or both, but that's distressing to me! Maybe faeries weren't trying to communicate with me for all this time but were screaming for my help instead. It would be just like me to totally miss an obvious cry for help like I might be doing with Gwynn.

Speaking of Gwynn, I didn't see her at school today, which isn't totally big news or anything, but in light of her recent weirdness I'm worried! *chews lip* Fortunately my spinning stomach was put to rest (a little bit at least) when I drove by her home on the way home from school and she was in the front yard with her mother. Things aren't OK with her, I know, but at least she's alive! Seriously. I'm that worried about her. *sigh of relief* Now I just have to worry about finding a way to show her I'm not her enemy. That's one of the great things about my Dad...he's always got a solution or some kind of plan to try and make things better. They don't always work and they're often hard work, but at least he's got a plan at all instead of being like me sitting around on my thumbs with a bubble blowing out my nose!

I haven't even talked to Brandan again yet. Looks like we've hit our first bump in the road. )c: I could get over him being a hippy wannabe but I don't know if I can ignore his nastiness to Joe. If anything, wouldn't a real hippy be open to all of humanity, especially the downtrodden like Joe, who is homeless? After band practice tonight (yikes! almost band practice!) I'm going to meet Brandan for coffee, yet again, you guessed it, at Starbucks. *sigh*

Aunt Minerva was in a good mood by the way, a great mood. *spins with arms open in good mood rays* LOL She made dinner, she explained what was going on in each of her drawings, she listens when I talk, she generally brightened my mood A LOT. :-D I hope she does move to Lawrence or closer by because she's so good to be around. I told her about reading grandpa's journals and she was totally happy I was and I think she read some of them while I was at school herself. I'll have something to read for years to come, there's just so much to read and so much to connect together like a puzzle of his life. It's great! (c;

OK, I really need to move it if I'm going to make it to band practice on time. I better not be one minute late for fear that I'll get the boot! *sarcasm* :-P

*hugs in a line like Mrs. America*

P.S. How could I forget!? I start at the soup kitchen tomorrow and I'll have a full report. OK, really got to run like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

I can't be satisfied. If my life moves along at a normal pace I feel like I'm beating out a boring existence but then if things get more exciting I feel like I'm living in some horrible melodrama! No satisfaction. lol :-( Why can't I just be happy with one, just one? Preferrably the slow one considering what's gone on today.

Brandan called me like the very second I got home from school. He said he'd been agonizing over how upset he made me at the coffee shop and he apologized probably 1000 times. In his words, 'I'm so sorry if I offended you with how I treated that crazy Indian.' Uhhhhh.... Yeah, no clue. I was upset about how you treated Joe and now I'm upset because you aren't sorry about how mean you were but instead you're only sorry I got offended! *serious GRRRRRRR* Gawd, I sure hope I haven't made a mistake with Brandan. That is an important distinction isn't it? Isn't it?

*scratches head* I've concluded Gwynn has gone literally insane, seriously. She's fucking nuts. I saw her at school today and I tried talking to her but she totally blew me off! She was insulting me again about believing in faeries and about suddenly becoming a music snob, which I'm totally not at all. She's psycho! Why was she all apologetic and stuff last night and then all nasty again today? I know she wasn't lying on the phone. I definately know Gwynn enough to tell when she's lying...because she sucks so bad at it. That's how I knew there was a problem way back before there was a problem. I could tell she was lying about stuff to me and that she was only pretending to want to eb around me and all. Anyway, as if that wasn't enough she had bandages on her wrists. Up till I noticed that I was ready to dismiss her and walk away (and probably tear up, but hey, I'm getting a thicker skin and these things take time). Gwynn psycho? Yes, but not in a mostly harmless way anymore. I hope she only cut herself for attention and not seriously! Gawd, what can I even do? What would I do if she did kill herself and I knew I was somehow responsible, even if I wasn't sure exactly how? She looked horrible. I thought about telling the school counsellor, who I don't know because our school seems to be such a revolving door lately. But I decided against it since she had the bandages on, where anyone could see and I figured a) her parents have to already know and probably helped her if she really did try to kill herself and b) ratting her out could only worsen things.

The Gwynn thing has been occupying my mind ever since I got home. This is serious stuff. Am I doing everything I should and could do? I don't know! I'm worried, but I don't know how to approach her! She obviously wants to talk to me or else she wouldn't have called last night. Maybe it's all a pride thing now or something. Ugh. I. just. don't. know. )c: *starts to cry for Gwynn, again*

I can't even think about band practice tomorrow, or the fact I'm actually behind schedule on reading The Castle (OK, I think a likable teacher makes a big difference in how enthusiastic the students are going to be and Mr. Callahan is both mean and as bland as mushroom soup without the mushrooms) or the fact that Dad was supposed to call yesterday and didn't and then didn't today either.

Last of all, it's kind of like Aunt Minnie isn't even here. She's either been sleeping or 'out on business'. I wonder if she'd know what to do about Gwynn? I tried calling Cheryl but she's been busy with a big Physics project, or something. I think she's going to get a scholarship to KU for some kind of engineering. She as opposed to me, is smart. lol Scary smart in science and math and all that, not as smart when it comes to all this friend stuff. Still, any advice....

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Monday, September 23, 2002

I wish a faery would appear and cast a charm to make me sleep. I am so tired, but I can't make the stuff in my head turn off at all. I guess wandering around the internet isn't helping me at all, especially when I come across really mean people like Jess picking on nice people like Paul Cox. Jess is like my brother but the opposite in what he likes. Both of them are complete snobs who think they know EVERYTHING, except one of them likes Nelly and the other likes a bunch of stuff I have never heard of ever. I wish a faery would appear and cast a charm to make both of them a lot nicer. Well, I guess my brother was nice today, so the faeries really only need to cast a charm on Jess right now. Also, Paul Cox, I don't think you are clueless at all! Now I really need to try to go to sleep again. Wish me luck! *hugs heaped so high they reach the sky*

Sunday, September 22, 2002

OK, I'm going to trying something new today, so don't be too harsh, but you can tell me what you think if you want. I'm going to try to reconstruct my whole day, which was kind of like being trapped in the Tilt A Wheel at the State Fair and not being able to get off and feeling really sick because you should ate a bunch stuff you shouldn't have like elephant ears and junk. Welcome to my sucky Sunday . . .

8:30, morning -- I woke up completely startled, Manny standing on my chest staring at my. Her hot kitty breath made my nose tickle. Someone was knocking on the door. It couldn't be Aunt Minnie! She's never been early ever, especially this early. So I quickly put on some pants and a t-shirt and tumbled downstairs, Manny close behind.

8:35, still morning -- Brandan brought a bag of bagels and hot coffee! He also brought me some daisies. I giggled when I saw it was him through the peephole in the door.

9:15, still morning -- after devouring the food (I can't believe I was so starving!), Brandan and I, um, got sort of, um, frisky on the couch. *blushes* Manny kept trying to jump up on our laps, too, but she finally got the hint the fourth or fifth time I tried to shoo her away. Brandan is so awesome! This is the best Sunday ever! We completely lost track of time, :o)

10ish, still morning -- The totally bad part was that we completely lost track of time. We definitely shouldn't have gotten so romantic in the living room. Neither Brandan or me even noticed when Brett came in the house. I mean we did notice when we heard him laughing where he stood in the entryway. I almost completely flipped out in fear. Brandan got really nervous and left. Brett kept chuckling, just saying, "I dropped by to pick up some stuff. Maybe I should I have called first, Heidi." I have never felt so humiliated EVER! Oh God, I don't know what I will do if he tells Dad . . .

11:15, late morning -- Before Brett left, still snickering (HE CAN BE SUCH A DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!), he told me that my "new friend" and I should come to Mongo's Thursday night. They were opening for some band that sounds like the Strokes that really sucks, but it should be good exposure for them. When he invited me, I completely felt relieved like as if I knew Brett wasn't going to say anything at all. He might mercilessly tease me like the monster he is, but I just knew he wasn't going to tell anyone. He also said he would be back around 7 to have dinner with Aunt Minnie, which I thought was weird. He hates Aunt Minnie and avoids her likes she's some sort of flesh eating virus.

Noon -- I tried really really really hard to get some homework done. I think I concentrated pretty well. I had soup and salad for lunch, reading The Castle or my US History textbook in between bites. Manny arrived as soon as she heard me eating, circiling around me like a big shark that instead of looking totally mean looked totally cute instead.

12:25, afternoon -- Brandan called. He was really concerned about how I was doing because my brother had walked in on us. I told him it was OK. Brett teased me about a little, but it didn't seem like he was going to narc us out to my dad. I also told Brandan that he invited us to see his band play. Brandan said he would go, though he didn't really like that alternative music. None of them could ever equally "the raw spirituallity" of Dave Matthews. He also insisted that I should go meet him at the Starbucks in a half hour so we could talk about what happened a little more. He wouldn't feel comfortable until he saw. Brandan can be so silly, but it's so adorable!

1:00, afternoon -- Brandan was waiting for me outside at a table when I arrived. He had to work today, filling in, but he was able to get a break so we could talk. I don't think anyone has ever been so thoughtful about me before! Certainly, not Patrick. Just as we started to talk, Joe walked over to us and started babbling about his "One Eyed Person" again. It didn't bother me at all. I don't know. I think I almost like Joe now. Brandan, though, completely lost his temper, which completely scared me. I had never seen him mad ever. He was usually so calm, but he was really mean to Joe, telling him to get away from us. I'm not making this. He actually sort of said to Joe really loud and mean, "What the fuck is your problem, Chief Drinks Too Much? Why don't you find somewhere else to goddam bother people you fucking aborigine? Can't you see we're talking?" I was completely shocked. Joe just smiled at Brandan and then backed away, mumbling to himself, "You been touched." I don't know if I can even describe how disturbed I felt after Brandan's outburst. I just got up and told him I had to go. He tried to get me to stay, but I just couldn't after that. I think I cried all the way home.

2:00 to 5:00, afternoon -- As soon as I got home, I scooped Manny up in my arms and ran up stairs and jumped into my bed. I totally cried myself to sleep, Manny sticking to me like glue. She understands me. God, I almost wish I hadn't taken a nap. I had this totally terrible dream. I was all trembly when I woke up. : ( In the dream, I couldn't find Manny and I looked every where in the house. Scared, I finally went outside and started to walk around the neighborhood looking for her. It was really dark. Then the man steps out underneath a street light and he's holding Manny. I'm really terrified but I have to save Manny. When I start walking towards him I completely freak out because he's the black goat I saw loose and he's standing on his hind legs like a person and he's talking like the animals in that really cute movie, Babe, except he's not cute at all! I was so bothered when I woke up I cried even more. I even ran out of kleenex in my bedroom.

5:30, evening -- By the time Aunt Minerva arrived, I'd already showered. My face still looked a little red and puffy from crying, but not enough so anyone would notice. *crosses fingers*

6:00, evening -- I gave Aunt Minerva the biggest hug ever when she arrived! I was so happy to see her, especially after what a bad day it was. :o) I think she was little concerned by my burst of hugs since she kept asking me if I was alright. After I helped bring her bags up to the guest room, she said it was time for her to give me what she found. She made me go down to the living room to wait for her to come down with whatever it was. Aunt Minnie is so dramatic sometimes! I think I must get that from side of the family. LOL.

6:30, evening -- Aunt Minnie yelled from upstairs that I should close my eyes. When she finally told me I could open them, she told me she had found the drawings, which she had brought for me. She had also found something else that she wanted me to have, which was more important. I was so curious I almost burst out of my head. From behind her back where she had been hiding it, she put down on the coffee table this leather case. She then insisted I open it. Inside was this small telescope thingy. It was like brass or something. She said Grandfather had had it made specially. He'd given it to her when she was 18 and now she wanted me to have it. It was really cool and all, but I have to admit I was way more excited about the drawings. They were AMAZING!

7:15, evening -- Brett showed up late as usual. I don't think he even knows what "on time" means sometimes. We decided we would go out for pizza. The incredible part is that we actually had a really good time. Even Brett was having FUN! We got a half mushroom and cheese and half Hawaiian (for Brett, though I don't know how he can eat Canadian bacon because it is so absolutely slimey and gross). I was kind of worried for bit, though, because Brett made all these hints about me having a boyfriend. He was just teasing me, though, because he never said anything about me and Brandan this morning. *lets out the biggest sigh of relief ever!* Brett even was sort of nice when Aunt Minnie rambled about her hippy stuff and the health food store. Don't quote me on this, but I think Aunt Minnie is thinking about selling the store and moving to Lawrence!

9:00, evening -- when we got home Aunt Minnie kissed me goodnight and went upstairs. She was really tired. I think her store is totally wearing her out. :o( I checked the answering machine after she was gone to see if Brandan called to apologize for being so mean to Joe. The only message was Gwynn, who sounded completely awful. She wanted me to call her as soon as I could. She also said she was sorry about the way she'd been acting lately. When I tried to call her, no one picked up the phone at her house. I hope she was alright. I HAVE to talk to her tomorrow. I'm worried about her. I tried to call Cheryl to ask her what was going on, but she wasn't home either.

Midnight -- You don't want to know what I've been doing for the last three hours. I've been a lazybones, lounging in bed reading Grandfather's journals and avoiding everything I need to get done for school. I so need to crack down on myself before I start to fall behind. *lets out a yawn* I'm sorry. I feel so tired right now. I think my brain has blown a fuse from today. Too many ups and downs for this girl to handle. I wish my life was smoother without so many speed bumps and potholes. Every time I think everything is great, someone pulls the carpet right out from underneath my shoes. Time to go and time to read The Castle. Who needs sleeping pills when Kafka will send you straight to sleepyland after only a few sentences? *buys a round of hugs for EVERYONE!*

Sunday, September 22, 2002

Yikes! I've been a bad, bad girl (any Fiona Apple reference is strictly unintentional!) lately in more ways than one! LOL I'm sorry for not writing to you blog and blog readers. I probably should have mentioned that I was busy. But I was busy, so I couldn't, lol. *smacks self as punishment* (c: I've been enjoying the company of Brandan mostly. *sighs dreamily* I was totally not sure how much I liked him at first and now I can't figure out how I could have ever felt that way! It's funny how, dare I say it, love works.... Anyway, we'll leave the deep thoughts for the philosophers, lol. I'm back and decidedly unbusy for the time being, at least until Aunt Minerva gets here tomorrow.

Aunt Minerva likes to try and make me agonize sometimes, but fortunately for my patience she's a bit of a dip. She mentioned on the phone she had a surprise to show me when she arrives tomorrow but then she wouldn't tell me what it was. GRRRR! ;-P OK, I guess I don't totally, absolutely for sure know what it is but I have a really good idea. When I talked to her the other day she said she was looking for some old drawings she made of faeries that she remembered she made a long time ago when she was talking to one of her friends and that she wasn't sure she had them and that they might be in our house somewhere if my Dad hadn't thrown them away. But I would bet almost all my chips she found them and forgot she told me she was looking for them. LOL That's just how she is. She's a really great, um...drawer (I know that's not the right word but my empty head can't think of it, lol) and I look forward to seeing them. I've tried drawing things but I totally suck, of course, which makes me appreciate Aunt Minnie being able to do it so good even more. She says it's a family thing and that Grandpa was really good too, but I don't know if I believe her because I sure didn't inherit any artistic capability at all! lol It seems like that cliche is true and everyone really does have their own talents, except me.

The Castle has been kind of boring so far. It's about a guy trying and failing to make it to a castle! That's it! I mean, I guess I get it and all, but nothing seems to happen. )c: I know it's literature. Am I shallow and stupid for not liking it? Are all the books I have to read for AP English going to be tedious like this and Jude? So many questions so few answers! lol

And I haven't even had any time to read more of Lolita. I want to even though I don't have to. Is it a good diea to read more than one book at once? Is it possible I'll mix them up in my head? Don't laugh, I learned a long time ago we can associate totally different things together in memory and get them mixed up.

*groans* Chip called again. He's still pretty distressed about being kicked out of the band. It's kind of like he's broken up with a girlfriend. It's sad and I feel guilty for being part of it all. He definately shouldn't have been kicked out as far as I'm concerned, not that it matters, two against one and all. To add more insult to insult I told him I was going to try and get him back in, giving him hope and when he called after the last ordeal and things weren't looking any better for him I just let him down even more! :-( I'm beginning to remember why when I broke up with Patrick I hated him for so long afterwards. It was easy to forget how much of an asshole he can be when he's been so nice recently. 'Those that forget about the past are doomed to repeat it...' So true.

I'll be starting soup kitchen duty on Wednesday, I think. LOL It might be good to double check that! I hope this won't interfere with band practice. Already the band is becoming convoluted and a hassle but I'm sticking with it. What kind of achievement is sticking with it only when it's fun and easy, right? I'm still confident we can work through the outside difficulties and hopefully actually start to sound decent in the process. I'm not sure how I feel about the soup kitchen thing. Nervous mixed with excited mixed with pride mixed with guilt... Does that make sense? LOL It's me, so probably not.

*stretch and yawn* *extra giant hugs to make up for my little absence*

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Practice today was like a car wreck and I was one of the mangled bodies laying on the roadside. I know, I know. I should have waited until we were done playing to bring up Chip, but I just couldn't help myself. While Patrick and Ray were setting up their insturments, it totally just jumped out of my mouth. I wanted to know what the big deal was about Chip being a little late. I didn't understand at all why they acted like they did. Since as I done, Ray's face turned all red. I thought maybe he was embarrassed. Maybe I had convinced him that Chip had been treated badly. BOY WAS I WRONG! Ray started shouting at me. He got right in my face wanting to know where I got off questioning something I didn't know anything about it. He was like a cow let loose in a plate factory. At least Patrick could have stepped in, but he just twiddled with his guitar pretending like nothing was going on. I didn't have the faintest clue what to say after that. We just started to play the songs and all the songs sounded terrible without Chip's drums to hold them together like a casserole dish. It just sounded completely disorganized and mushy. I guess we're going to practice again on Monday. I wish I was excited as I first was. Thank god last night has kept my smile pinned up on my face. Otherwise, I think I might have cried buckets and buckets.

What else? Natalie Gingerbock called me when I got home after practice. She's the president of my high school's National Honor Society. I hate to admit it because you'll think I'm some sort of nerd, but I'm a member. I can't help it. Good grades just kind of happen to me. Anyway, we have to do some sort of service project for the year and Natalie and some others think it would be a great idea to volunteer in a local soup kitchen. We'd really be giving something back to the community. Plus, nobody wanted to go around town mowing senior citizen's lawns again like last year. That was terrible! Though I hope the soup kitchen isn't too awful. Homeless people can be kind of scary. I remember this one old man whose head had been squished by a truck. He had survived and his face was terrifying. Well, to be honest, he was just all around frightening because he would go around screaming at people and pointing his mangled fingers at them, his one eye twinkling. He bothered me so much that for a while I wouldn't even go near the part of downtown he would be. I think he must dead now or something because I haven't seen him since forever. I'm not saying I don't want to help people. Don't get the wrong idea. I'm just a little sensitive to stuff. There's nothing wrong with knowing your limitations, you know. And I am trying to be better. I mean Joe doesn't scare me at all now when I go to Starbucks.*looks sternly at person reading blog*

I was hoping Brandan would call tonight. I wish it was tomorrow already! *Sigh*

Have I mentioned that we have a new AP English teacher? I mean we had one after Mr. Robbs, but she wasn't permanent or anything. Mr. Callahan is permanent. He seems really serious and maybe a little tough. He was completely mean to Sheila Thompson when she didn't know the answer to a question he asked about Franz Kafka. I thought Sheila was going to hit him when he called her a spoiled little know nothing. I don't think I have ever heard a teacher talk to a student like that before.

I guess the only left I have to say is that Aunt Minnie is coming for another visit. She'll be here Sunday in the afternoon. Knowing Aunt Minnie, that probably really means in the evening. LOL. I guess it feels good to know she loves me and worries about me, but I am an adult now, or almost one. Besides, I was hoping that maybe Brandan might stay over Saturday night. I could even make him my special mushroom omelette. I was planning to ask him tomorrow when we go out. Now I feel funny about it. I'm all paranoid that Aunt Minnie will catch us. What would Dad say? He would be so disappointed.

CALL ME, BRANDAN!

Alright, I guess I need to study now, though I know I'll just start daydreaming again about last nigh. Of course, it would be totally easy for me to fall asleep right now and just dream about him. I still need to tell Cheryl about last night, too! Right now, though, I don't want to share it with anyone but Manny. *throws millions of hugs to everyone in the world*

Thursday, September 19, 2002

'...and so at last into the human harmony.' - The Castle

*gasp* Last night was...wonderful! I had a good time with Brandan last night. (c; *winks* Omigawd, he's so great. I can totally forget about the hippy thing. I mean, how could I be so shallow and petty? What we have already goes so deep it makes my soul ache. lol, ummmmm.... Anyway, I just hope he feels the same way about me. My attention was kind of distracted because of scratching noises I kept hearing probably just from the storm. Even with an annoyance like that, which only I could focus on, lol, I had a truly wonderfully exctingly fantastically great time! I felt like we connected and I bet he does too. *sigh* *deep sigh* *deeper sigh* *deepest sigh* It would have been perfect if my mind wasn't such a paranoid wanderer, like Manny who's always paranoid and on edge!

We (me and Brandan) decided to move up the schedule for our date so we're going out to Burlington's tomorrow and then driving around or who knows what? I think we're deciding we don't like to make elaborate plans ahead of time and instead just wing it. (c: I kind of wish I could abandon band practice just for tonight. Oh well.

*dances* The maneki neko my dad sent from Japan finally came! It was on the porch when I got home, UPS brought it I guess. It's about six or seven inches high and it's calico which means something but I can't remember what, lol. It kind of looks like this one but has the other paw up, which means 'good fortune' and is less goopy with the old look on it. I'm not sure what it's made of because it's really heavy. I was afraid it would never come because of how long it took to get here! *wipes brow* Of course whatever I'm most excited about is the thing that would take a really long time to make it here. LOL (If I could get excited about math maybe I'd never have to take a test again?) (c; Thanks Dad, even though you can't hear me from here!

Wee! LOL I'm in such a great mood today! You know what's weird? I hardly even notice my ankle right now. Yesterday it was killing me when I was down with a case of frowns. Today, when I'm happy, it feels great. This is obviously a lesson in why genuinely feeling positive is so essential. Why hasn't medicine learned that yet? I don't know. Think I could get rich from selling the idea? lol, of course not. Up! There I was just being a pessimist and I think I felt a little pang of pain. hehehe OK, I'm goofy with giddiness now. You all probably want to shoot me. I can't help it!

OK, I guess I should go now since I'm starting to completely ramble on even more than I usually do. Besides, Cheryl will want to hear about my good fortune before I go to band practice. (I'm confident I can sway Ray and Patrick into letting Chip back.) More later!

*triple dipped hugs with nuts on top for everyone*

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

OK, this has to be really brief, but Brandan completely surprised me and called a few hours a go and we chatted for a while. It was so great. He was really concerned about my ankle and wanted to know if there was anything he could do. He insisted he should come over and make sure I was OK, especially with the weather. I told him I would be fine. I could take care of my self, which I do anyway with Dad always gone on business trips. So after we quit talking, I thought that was that, and got underneath my blanket with Manny on the couch, my leg propped up on the coffee table, and watched TV. My brain was too scrambled from the day and talking to Brandan. He was soooooo sweet! So, Manny and I were all cozy, Manny even sort of calm even though it was stormy outside and usually that freaks her out a lot. I remember once she hid for at least three days. I thought I would never find her. :o( Anyway, let me get to the point before I completely lose myself. Someone rang the doorbell and when I peeked out the window to see who it was, it was BRANDAN! Omigod! He brought over some videos, a bag of cookies and a bottle of wine and . . . he's STILL HERE! Gotta go! *Hugs*

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

P.S. I forgot to mention yet another way in which I'm completely lame, as if any of you nedd convincing by now, lol. I was thinking about Chip today all day at school and how I should have stood up for him. He got kicked out for being late once! >:-( The more I think about it the angrier I get at myself for not being assertive and the angrier I get at Patrick and Ray for being such...well...bitches Tuesday! But I'm lame and it might be too late to do anything about all that stuff. )c: I'm sorry Chip! You shouldn't have been kicked out and I shouldn't have gone along with it! *sighs*

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Oof! I totally fell down on a hill coming out of school and now my ankle is murdering me. )c: (You should have seen me driving!) I'm still not feeling up to par from whatever I had and now I've got this sore ankle to boot. Kill me now. Please, just shoot me. I'm lame in every way that word could be meant.

OK, here's another way I'm completely lame. I saw Gwynn sitting by herself at one of the benches outside at lunch and she looked really sad and out of it. So, I went over to try and cheer her up and offer a friendly 'maneki neko' hand and maybe even patch things up. Stupid! How conceited of me I realize now way after the fact. *bangs head on wall* Gwynn got all angry of course because she knew I was trying to be the superior kindly girl doing one of those fake noble forgive and forget things. So I ended up making things even worse between us, which I did not think was possible. And for once Gwynn was right to be angry with me, I'm totally the guilty party here! )c: I'm lame. I'm really lame.

LOL! Read here first. OK? OK, lol I might not mind having them for a sleepover but if any of our neighbors told my dad about it he might have a heart attack! Britt looks kind of like Brandan, the hippy guy I might be kind of dating. (c:

Speaking of Brandan, where are we going to go!? I told him to leave the plans to me and now it's Wednesday and I still haven't found anything. Mainly because I haven't looked very hard. lol Will I even be able to walk by then? Will my head be swollen like a helium baloon? lol Probably so knowing my bad luck. If there really are faeries trying to communicate with me I know it isn't leprechauns!

Now I'd better hobble around and baton down the hatches. There's supposed to be a really nasty thunderstorm moving in tonight and it'll probably take me to midnight just to bring the garbage cans into the garage in my present state. LOL So, bye for now!

later *hugs*

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Eek! Chip called me on the phone a few hours a go. He was so sad and apologetic about being late to practice today. He even said he couldn't really blame Patrick and Ray. He would have kicked himself out too for being such a complete loser. I felt so sorry for him. I mean it seemed like Ray and Patrick will be a little unfair to Chip. I told him when we practiced next Thursday afternoon I would try to put a good word in for him, but I'm not sure how much I can do. I mean I'm totally new in the band. Why should they listen to me?

After that I couldn't resist going to Starbucks, even though I had already put my jammies on. I changed right back and lept into my jeep to see if Brandan was working tonight. I even found a parking spot right in front. Of course, Joe greeted me as soon as I got out of my jeep. He was looking even more spaced out than usual, and that's saying a lot for him! All his words were all slushy when he tried to talk me. I was nice, though, and spent a moment trying to understand him, not that I actually did. LOL. He kept mumbling about eyes and running. I have to admit I kind of got impatient because I hadn't come all the way to Starbucks to talk to Joe! When I went inside I froze, a man behind me almost crashing into me. I couldn't help myself. :o( Brandan was chatting to some girl by the cash register. She was hanging on everything he said, not that I could make out what he was saying from where I was. I know I shouldn't have, but I turned right around and got back into my Jeep and drove home. I think I cried all the way and I still feel sort of sick to my stomach on top of still being icky from whatever I caught yesterday. *swallows* Right now I could just curl up in bed under my covers and never come out ever. It would just be me and Manny cozy and safe. Of course, being the dummy I am, I totally realized I had overreacted by the time I got home. Brandan was probably just being friendly and I have to admit I still haven't got over whatever I caught. I guess it was my night to be a drama queen. LOL

OK, you probably don't want to read what happened next because you'll just think I'm crazy and you probably already think I'm nutso. I can't resist writing it down though because it was so weird. When I got home and went inside I heard like something running across the floor upstairs. At first I thought it had to be Manny but she was already at my feet looking up at me as if trying to tell me something. Whatever it was, it kept moving around upstairs where my room is and it sounded like it was small like a cat. I know I shouldn't have, but my curiosity got the best me. I slowly tipped toe up the stairs and snuck up to the door of my bedroom. When I swung it open to surprise whatever it is, my room was completely empty. The really weird thing is, though, that my window was open and I know I had closed it when I changed back into my clothes from my jammies. Of course, you're probably thinking it was the wind or something, but I'm not completely convinced. I'm probably being dumb, but I have a hunch it might have just been a faery! Now that I have you completely convinced I'm insane, I think I've written enough for tonight. I really really really need to start The Castle now. *Hugs*

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

*whew* OK, I just got back from one messed up practice. I'm still mildly sick, first of all. It must be one of those 24 or 36 or whatever hour bugs. Anyway, Chip, the drummer, was late to practice tonight and Patrick and Ray were totally snarky with him. I don't know, I think there must have been more to that than Chip just showing up late today. ??? So we tried to practice but everything was all horrible and we were all frustrated or whatever. The snide remarks just kept piling on top of each other and to make a long story short, Chip is out of the band! Fuck. Already we've kicked someone out. How long before they realize I'm actually no good and give me the boot too? *bites lip nervously* (If you're a bandless drummer in Lawrence send me an email. lol) Other than totally being horrible practice was OK. *sarcasm*

Speaking of messed up bands I forgot to mention we decided to name ourselves The Uldras. Uldras are a type of little folk from Scandinavia. *scratches head* There's no good reason we picked that name though, 'cause Uldras can be pretty nasty and stuff. I guess we just liked the name, it's kind of like 'ultra' but with an exciting twist. lol Or I'm an idiot and so are my fellow ex and current band members. Here's a glossary explanation I stole from one of my grandfather's journals...

'Uldras are of small stature and may be mistaken by the rare viewer to be elves or dwarves. Their rareness is partly due to their subterranean dwellings, partly due to the nature of the terrain and climate of Lapland. Their greatest exposure to us, and ours to them, is during the long Lapland winter when they tend to hibernating animals.

The Uldra is generally harmless, and by many accounts even friendly, except when provoked. In Laplander lore there is a common strain of knowledge that before setting tents up for temporary dwelling the ground must be listened to, and if rumblings are heard the site is abandoned. To aggravate an Uldra even through accidental blockage of its door would have dire consequences. When angered the Uldra will poison the moss reindeer eat just to deprive the Lapps of their livelihood. This is not a flippant deed in light of how much Uldras love the animalia of Lapland.'

Cheryl apologized alot to me in school today for cancelling last night. She said she was so vague about all of it because it was a family thing and her mom was in the same room as her. I couldn't stay miffed at something like that of course. I just hope everything is going OK with her family! Which I told her. Then I went into a long ramble about appreciating what you've got 'cause you never know when you'll lose it. Gawd, how lame! lol But it's true. Every time I see a mom I think of how suddenly mine was gone. *pity party* Nah, but it does make me a little sad to see how badly we treat each other when the very next second everything might be different or gone. ;-

Gawd, I'm such a dweeb! lol I actually rented a mushroom documentary. Instead of watching it I should probably figure out where I'm going to go with Brandan for our next date, or *gasp* read The Castle or do some precalculus studying (I need to study about eight hours per page of that stuff, ugh). Instead I know I'll watch this and fall asleep in my chair like some slob high on chips, beer and football! LOL (c:

OK, got to run off, Dad's on the caller id so I should call him.

*hugs*

P.S. I almost forgot! *hits head and hears hissing of air* I added some new blogrings on the left bar thingy on the side and a mood indicator. Of course, tipsy is appropriate. lol It'll probably always be tipsy.

Monday, September 16, 2002

I'm sorry if I'm about to bore you totally. I can't help myself. Cheryl completely bailed on me. She said something had come up but was really vague about it. I think I'm becoming paranoid because I thought I heard Gwynn's giggle. So, frustrated, I've been slacking and reading my grandfather's journal. Reading it is like eating gummi bears. My hand and mouth take on a brain of their own. :o) It's all probably for the best, I guess, since I feel like I'm completely coming down with a cold. *blows nose loudly* I think I'll just put down some bits of my grandfather's journals that interested me with maybe a little bit of me in between. ANYTHING to distract me from my sniffles! *reaches for another kleenex*

May 20, 1947

. . . Fergus has been staying in my flat for the past few weeks. Certainly having him present in my own home has been quite unsettling. He never seems to leave, haunting the premises every moment. Last night, while preparing some chicken for my dinner, I attempted to pry into his involvement with the Germans. I presented my line of inquiry innocuously enough, but Fergus sniffed out my intent the moment the first word tumbled from my tongue. He shook his head in utter digust. Lighting one of his abominable black Russian cigarettes, he then proceeded to ask me, "Do you know Ellic Howe?" I had to admit that I had never run across the name, but then again most of my time was poured into my studies of the Fair Folk. More importantly, I felt my temper rise when Fergus chuckled at my lack of recognition. Taking a drag from his fag, he cryptically remarked, "You never do quite grasp the full picture, Gedsel. I find it quite comical that you actually believe I was a traitor. Don't you ever considering other possibilities? Don't you ever think of anything besides faeries flitting about? Let us just say that I am more loyal than you might surmise, sir."

You know it's totally weird to read the journals and to imagine Grandfather dealing with stuff similar to the terrible things people say to me sometimes. (In fact, North said something really mean to me today). It's kind of cool, though, to think he had to put up with some of the same CRAP I do sometimes because I believe in faeries. I don't think it's too far of a hop to say that Fergus reminds me of some people, who even if they are my friend, aren't the most supportive people in the world. : v( *blows nose again*

July 15, 1948

Perhaps coming to Kilfinane in County Limerick was not the best idea. My time here has been nothing but an ordeal and how I am sick of the stench from the dairies that permeates this place. Though my suspicion remains strongly fixed inside my fevered thoughts, I have found nothing to support it. I have tried countless times to interview the townsfolk about the disappearances with no results. One would have imagined they would have been slightly more talkative since already five men have simply vanished in the past month, leaving not a trace. This morning, tired of Kilfinane and its inhabitants, I walked to the ruins of the castle the roundheads had razed a few centuries back. I should have suspected that these gloomy surrounding would only worsen my mood, which they fully did. Lost in revery, I did not even notice when the woman walked up behind me, startling me when she began to speak. Turning apprehensively, I immediately recognized her as one of the wives of the vanished men who had been tight lipped when I had asked questions. The poor thing was trembling from head to toe with fear, though I could not fathom what was making her so anxious. Gently, I asked her what I could do for her, triggering a torrent of response. Haphazzardly rebuilding her words from my memory, she sobbed, "The others won't talk about it and I shouldn't either but you seem like a nice man. You seem like you're genuinely interested. You see, I saw my husband taken. I saw it with my own eyes, sir. The cows were making an awful racket in the middle of the night, so me and Sean got out from bed to see what was causing it. I stayed behind in the kitchen watching Sean walking with his lantern swinging. Right before my eyes, I saw a black shape leap out at him, grabbing him by the throat and dragging him away. I was too frightened to stop it. I couldn't do anything. What can you do when its a poocha? What can you do?" Astounded by her revelation and touched by her tears, I felt it imprudent to press her further about this supposed "pooka," though as I walked her back to her house I thought of nothing else and asked her one more time what she called the assailant to confirm what I had heard.

See? Harvey couldn't have been a pooka, just like I said before. I can't believe that Grandfather actually was around one! I would be so scared. It would be like Scream times a million! It creeps me out just imagining it! I guess faeries are kind of just like people. There are nice ones and mean ones. Pookas are definitely mean ones, mean like North and his big mouth. I guess I need to get that off my chest, but I just don't want to write anything about it. It makes me so mad steam comes out of my ears! Good thing Manny understands. She's purring on my lap right now. She's even trying to bat the keyboard with her cute little paw because she must sense I'm writing about her now. I think I'll let her finish my entry for tonight! *wipes nose with kleenex*

czv xkvjdslihhbn dldnjdihdsjlv;ss;ldsj kdlkfakjflhds nkfhdlks fh mj;ofeo

(I think that means *Hugs a plenty!* in kitty, but don't quote me on that!)

Monday, September 16, 2002

I need a big bag of *hugs*! (c: Nah, I'm pretty happy today. I just heard another girl at school saying that and just really wanted to say it. lol

Well, it looks like starting Lolita ahead of time was completely pointless! It was totally crazy, totally without warning. I went to my AP English class today and found out Mr. Robbs quit or transferred or something. Totally out of the blue! So now we have this substitute for a while, Rachel Feuchtwang (she had everyone going 'huh?' until she wrote it on the board for us, and even then we were still going 'huh?', LOL). *big bubble pops out of ear* Anyway, she assigns The Castle to us by Franz Kafka instead of the Lolita Mr. Robbs was changing it to. That was mildly disappointing, but I guess it makes sense since that's what's on the syllabus and all. So I ended up not getting a head start on the next book at all after all anyway! LOL Of course. But I guess it's actually kinda OK because now I've decided to read Lolita, which I was completely skeptical about at first (I still am I guess). So I decided I'll read it too anyway, on top of The Castle, my grandfather's journals, and all these music sites I've been trying to keep up on, in addition to whatever piddly homework and stuff I get, which isn't so bad.

'A moment later I heard my sweetheart running up the stairs. My heart expanded with such force that it almost blotted me out.'

Sure, it's about an old man being in love with a twelve year old girl, but that's just beautiful. I wish anyone at all could ever feel that way about me! *deep sighs* Maybe my new hippy boy will love me like that. I wonder what he thinks of me really? He seems concerned, which is better than the type of asshole that ignores you and never calls. >:-( So now I wonder if he's clingy! LOL No matter how perfect he is I'd probably fret like a guitar. *stares out window*

I'm heading out with Cheryl tonight to do...something. We haven't decided yet. But it's been too long since we got together, which wasn't really that long ago I guess. I'm kind of addicted to her friendship. Cheryl, you are a drug! lol (c:

So I decided earlier I need to make some more friends. Most of the time when I go out it's with Cheryl, a boy, or my brother and his friends which are only kind of my friends, friends by association or whatever. Who will put up with me? *wonders as her mind wanders*

I found this link to take a 'How indie are you?' test thing at ILM. These are kinda dumb and all, but they're fun and easy to put into an entry. So I took it and it says I'm a mixtaper, which I'm not, but oh well...

i am a mix taper!

How indie are you? test by ridethefader
You're really enthusiastic about the music that you like. You attempt to discover your new favourite band every week. You continually try to get your friends into the music you like, which annoys the fuck out of them, but you don't know it. At least you're not arrogant about it.

Monday, September 16, 2002

UGGGHHHHHHH! It's so late! I don't know what happened. The whole day completely vanished and now it's totally beyond when I should have gone to bed. Before I close my eyes though . . .

Did I mention I had band practice today? I did and it went OK. Everyone seemed to like my lyrics and it was a lot of fun singing along to their music. I think we still have a lot of work to do, but I have high hopes about it all working out. :) They played a few more songs I hadn't heard before so I guess I have to come up with more words. *pulls out hair* This is going to be harder than I thought, but at least I'm having fun! We plan to practice again Tuesday after school. I need to get something down before then in between homework and vegetating in front of the television set. LOL. The important part though is that I am still completely excited about playing with them. I worry a little bit about playing in front of people, but I guess I'll grab the ox by the horns when it happens.

Brandan called this afternoon, too. He was so cute! He was worried I didn't have a good time last time. I guess I sort of fibbed a little bit, but I really wasn't lying! Honest! I did like being with him. We're going to do something next weekend, but this time I'm making the plans. I just hope I can come up with something good. Oh well, I have all week and I'm sure I'll see Brandan before then anyway at Starbucks if I need some input, not that I do. I'm sure I can come up with something great! *crosses fingers tightly*

Also today I've been a complete sloth hanging upside down from a tree. I think I'm turning into lump or something. Mostly I've just lounged on the couch either reading one of grandfather's journals or working on a paper for US History or trying to read that despicable book, Lolita, which I never get far in before I feel like gagging. Alright, I fully confess. Mostly I've just been picking through the journals and daydreaming. I grabbed one of the earlier ones to explore and I've been totally sucked into it. Most of the entries in the journal are from the 1930's. I don't think I ever realized how old grandfather really was. A lot of the stuff he wrote is about him researching ships that disappeared or were found all wrecked with the people gone. It completely creeped me out.

May 6, 1947

Fergus chuckled when I explained in detail my hypothesis for the rash of disappearing ships twenty years a go. Though many so-called experts had reasoned that the Bolsheviks were responsible for the vanished vessels, I sensed a force beyond the natural behind them. Each case seemed similar to abductions by faeries I had researched, simply on a larger scale. I realize that I probably can never shift my niggling idea to fact, but the research continues to suggest some sort of connection, though it may tenuous at this junction. Fergus may ridicule me as he pleases. I know something queer is involved in the ships' disappearances and I am not ready to so easily varnish over the incidents as the press were at the time. I care not a wit what Fergus thinks. His temperment has teetered into the unstable these days since his flirtation with the National Socialists at the beginning of the War. Since narrowly escaping imprisonment, however, I think he has finally learned that the enemy of an enemy is not necessarily a friend . . .

*head almost hits keyboard as sleep pushes it down* OK, I'm beat. There was a lot more I wanted to say, but I am totally tuckered out now. I think all I have left is enough energy to finish this sentence. I barely have enough strength to type: *hugs* Tomorrow . . .

Sunday, September 15, 2002

*drags body to keyboard* OK, I am so tired I think I could collapse here with my head on the keyboard and type some really long nonsense entry and not even know it! lol Or maybe, just maybe, I would type the works of Shakespeare! I seriously doubt that of course. (c: Ugh, when I'm tired my thoughts meander. *face turns red with forced concentration* lol

Gawd, I hated the Robert Mirabal and RareTribalMob show tonight! If Yanni hadn't been hatched from a lizard egg you'd think this guy must have been his father! lol Such a dilemma. Brandan looks great, I mean really great, and it's not like he isn't sweet and smart and all that stuff. But his tastes are ROTTEN! Whatever a young hippy is now that's Brandan, lol. He picked me up in what I'm just taking a wild guess was his car and on the inside there were not one, not two, but three different Pure Moods cds. *cringes* And he wanted to listen to one on the way! *slaps self silly(er)* OK, I shouldn't make fun of his tastes. Different people have different opinions and all. Even so I hear a little voice in my head repeating Yanni over and over. LOL Maybe it's a faerie warning me of my future if I stay with Brandan. Jeez, I'm horrible.

At the end of our evening at the Age of Aquarius he said, 'I'll give you a call so we can do something else together.' And I said, 'No I'll give you a call!'

LOL Next time I'm picking where we go, pal! (c: But there's definately going to be a next time. I can overlook the music and the tie dye bumper sticker and the very strong smell of pachooli (or however you spell it, lol) insense in his car. Maybe. *grunts*

Dad's gone now, probably over the ocean somewhere by now. *tears* I made sure I got home in time to put the extra squeeze of super hugs on him to make up for who knows how long he'll be gone this time. I'm too pooped to hate his business right now, but Jeezus people have families! Hello!? *crazy thing* He's been here and gone again before the maneki he sent me has made it. My Dad is faster than the mail! lol Ugh. :-(

I'm way too pooped and bummed to do the hug thing tonight. Sorry folks.

P.S. I have yet some more stuff to add to my little blog here and yes I will fix that title Netscape users! Obviously I'm just too out of it to do it now. *eyelids closing on timer* Also, it's been hectic so I didn't get around to making another entry earlier. I'm not slacking! I promise! (c;

Friday, September 13, 2002

Sorry to run and hit but tonight has totally flown by and dad will be leaving tomorrow (tries not to cry). I thought I would just show one of my lyrics for the band tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. I promise! *Hugs!*

What if I was an elf with
a head of hornets
and everytime I gave a kiss
I stung you on the face
until you were all puffy?

What if I was a girl
hiding under the world,
waiting for you?

What if I was goblin
and grabbed your hand,
squishing your fingers
until each one of them
began to cry red?

What if I was a girl
hiding under the world,
waiting for you?

What if I was changeling
and no knew I was,
treating me the same
each passing day to day
until no one ever knew.

What if I was a girl
hiding under the world,
waiting for you?

What if I was a girl
hiding under the world,
waiting for you?

P.S. If you can't tell, I haven't named it. Writing stuff is so hard! Not that you would know with everything I spill out here everyday. LOL.

Friday, September 13, 2002

Just a quick entry today. I want to spend as much time with Dad as possible! (c: I have practice with the band tonight but I think I'll go even though he'll only be here until late Saturday. He wants to shop and eat and catch up. Brett won't get off work until 8pm so I have him all to myself for a while. It's nice having home, but it's harder typing in my blog with him walking back and forth behind me the whole time! lol I was completely stupid and left some of grandfather's journals laying around which he found of course. He wasn't too mad, but he was concerned that I might put too much stock into what grandfather wrote. He says grandfather had a vivid imagination and that most of the stuff he wrote in them couldn't have been true at all. *frowns* Well, thanks for the advice but I know grandfather wasn't nuts!

Another person called for Dad, but it wasn't that Tanner-whatever guy this time. I think the company Dad works for isn't doing very well, or it's being bought by a rival or something. Last time that happened Dad was sweating blood over possibly losing his job under new management. He seems kind of on edge now too. :-( I'm not supposed to talk about what he does because of 'corporate espionage'. Sounds exciting doesn't it? LOL Honestly, I'm not even totally sure what he does exactly, so it's not like I could tell anyway. He has a long and indecipherable title that probably means nothing! (c;

I'm definately going with Brandan tomorrow, Dad or no Dad, lol. We're going to see Robert Mirabal and RareTribalMob, which sounds OK but not very exciting really. I probably won't have a report until at least tomorrow. *stresses* So...pressed...for...time! LOL

I'll leave you with a panorama of Lawrence from its City Hall...

Thursday, September 12, 2002

I think Brett's job is going to his head. When Cheryl and I stepped into Alley Cat, he was at the cash register lecturing to three or four people. They would all ask him questions like he was God's present to music or something. It was so tedious having to hear him go on and on. >:O< From what I heard, he was droning about some band called Black Ice and their new record and then someting about disco. I was totally embarrassed when I noticed one of the people listening to him was Patrick. Thank God by the time Cheryl and I were ready to split, Patrick was already gone without having noticed me. *wipes brow and lets out sigh of thanks* I also returned the two records the Alley Cat owner had let me borrow. We chatted about them a little bit and I thanked him profusely. Though I wasn't very into the Joni Mitchell, the Patti Smith was super! I don't think I mentioned this, but I also brought a sack of stuff I wanted to sell back. Luckily the owner looked through it so Brett wouldn't have to be a jerk and laugh and me. I don't know why but I really cleared out a lot of CDs I thought I would never ever give up. Just to give you an idea, I sold back junk like Paula Cole, Pink, and even my one Bright Eyes CD (I guess I should kill that link now . . . LOL). I was completely excited when I got in credit for a bunch of discs I hadn't even looked at for months! Not wanting to spend it all once, I just bought one CD for now, something used by a band called the Raincoats I remember hearing about somewhere. Brett rung me up and, of course, sort of scoffed at me. He mentioned someting about me being a Kurt Cobain zombie, but I don't know what that means. By then I just wanted to get out of there, but Cheryl was all chatty with Brett and she wasn't even buying anything. She was asking him all these stupid questions about what she should listen to next because she's bored with her CDs. Whatever!

From there, we aimed the Jeep at Starbucks. I'd told Cheryl about Brandan and I was hoping he would be there. I was also hoping Cheryl might mention if she had been there last night, but all she did was ask me all these weird, dumb questions about Brett. I just shook my head. I mean I've told Cheryl about what a dick Brett is for at least YEARS! I then asked her what she had wanted at Alley Cat, but she just said she couldn't find it. As soon as we parked and got out of the Jeep, Joe Racoon came over to us with a very serious look on his face. Joe has so many lines in his face. His skin is all leathery like the old couch in the basement that Manny likes to sleep on. God, I didn't want to talk him with Cheryl with me. I'd done pretty good lately hiding everythng everyone thought was so bizarro about me. Thank God, all he said was, "They're here. I got my eyes out." and wandered away again. *another sigh of the relieved kind this time* Thank God even more that as soon as we went in Brandan said hi from the coffee making machine thingy. I tried my very hardest to not totally blush. Cheryl whispered in my ear she thought he was too cute for words. After we ordered and got our drinks, we sat down and chatted for a little bit. Now get this! You won't believe this! Brandan came over to the table and asked me if I wanted to go with him to some art show Saturday at KU. Well, first he made some joke about Joe greeting us at the door, but the important part is HE ASKED ME OUT! Everything is a blur after that. I thought I was going to float up into outer space and explode! Cheryl was very impressed. After Brandan left, Cheryl got to be a bit of a drag, though. She kept asking Brett questions. Ugh!

After dropping her off and pulling up in the driveway, I was completely scared. All the lights were on in the house and I know I hadn't turned any on or even left any on. So, I clutched my car keys ready to stab anybody who might be there univinited and went in. I don't see anyone but I noticed the light was on in Dad's office. I must have gone completely crazy because I walked right up to the door and swung it open . . . hitting Daddy in the head in the process! I completely knocked him on the floor. I am so dumb sometimes!

Dad just laughed when I helped him up. He gave me a giant hug and asked how his favorite girl was. It was so awesome to have him back sooner that I thought! I've missed him so much while he's been gone so long! I swear I was just talking a million miles a minute and he just smiled at me. :) Of course, when I finally shut up, I noticed how awful he looked. He had huge dark circles underneath his eyes and I started to get him on for not eating and sleeping well. I promised I would make him the best dinner ever tomorrow after school. Dad then got really quiet. He started asking me again about the man who called. He then told me that the business is having some problems so if more people called I should just take a message and give him the number for him to call back. I think I almost instantly started to cry when Dad said he would be leaving town again the day after tomorrow. I just don't understand. I mean I know my dad's business is a lot of work, but I miss him so much. At least I made him go to bed. He worries me a lot. Well, I need to plan the dinner I promised now and do my homework and maybe even read that icky book! I can't sit here anymore anyway! I'm bouncing up and down because Dad is back (and I feel really terrible that he'll be leaving so soon). I'm sure I'll be back here soon! I think writing everything in my blog has become my new bad habit. LOL *Hugs*

Thursday, September 12, 2002

I was a little bored so I did a bunch of shit to my blog. If you scroll down a little bit you can see I added a weather thing so you (and I) can always see what the weather's like in Lawrence. lol, as if anyone would care except me and maybe the very small number of friends that visit the site. I was searching the web for faeries that control the weather when I found it. As you can see there is nothing to do with pixies about it, but it's still a kinda cool little thing in a stupid way. 8-P I also added some webrings, one of which lets you rate my blog. Be kind! lol I also archived since my rambling was getting really 'long in the tooth' (as my grandfather would say). This weekend I want to change the title. I've had two emails now saying it doesn't look very good in Netscape. OK, OK, I hear and obey. LOL Bare with me people, I have very little experience with html. I see some of these other blogs with the graphics that wrap around. How do they do that? lol And it's always little kids doing it! Gawd, is 18 so old that I'm doomed to be computer illiterate? Relatively speaking. (You should see Aunt Minerva with the computer, it's like seeing two cars crash into each other, lol.) (c:

I missed some hidden cue with school today. Half or more of the students must have been absent. Next time send me the memo people! lol, I love a good excuse to skip school. *sighs at being one of the goody goody rubes that showed up*

*Yikes!* I haven't mentioned it yet since I'm not supposed to start it until Monday, but I'm going to ask Mr. Robbs about how he could assign such a sick book for class! Lolita is considered literature? I don't get it, it looks like it's mostly kiddie porn or something. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, and it's probably not good to judge a book by its cover, especially since I haven't really read it, but.... ?:-/

I've been devouring my grandfather's journals as a daily ritual now. I simply cannot stress enough how amazed I am at having a relative that got so close to the little folk. Like, in what I read today, he talks about being taught some of their seasonal rituals. *sigh* Such detail! What will I have to do to become like him? Maybe I should spend more time in the forest. I should probably get a folding chair, go out to the woods, and sit and wait calmly. I think I heard them last weekend, maybe this weekend I can do that and maybe they'll come to me! *crosses fingers and toes but refuses to cross eyes* lol

Cheryl's here, got to go. We're going to collect little chunks of soil from a few places. Blah. It's for school. But after that we're heading to Alley Cat Records. She wants something and I want to show her where Brett's working, and all their different music. Ack! Cheryl's trying to read my entry. Bye!

*quick hugs*