Thursday, January 10, 2002
It's funny that one day you're one's best friend that spends alot of time with and when they found out something tragic about you and you try to keep your mind off it, they totally ignore you.
I don't blame her and her to understand everything about me. They know alot already and they were fine with it. However I don't notice the cheery reception in them anymore. Maybe it's me, maybe it's all my fault. One expects me to tell her everything is wrong and if I don't tell her, she'll ask my boyfriend non-stop. Another won't meantion anything but seems too busy to even really pay attention to me. I don't want to be an attention-getter but when we used to go into here in the good ole days of 2000 when it was hardly popular I would always get a RP done. I get banned for a short while, manage to get my act together and come back to this bustling place of newbies. I don't mind. But when a friend who I rarely RP with anymore goes and RP's with some newbie who comes in almost every day and ignores me out of her life, it is so damn depressing I don't know what to do. I have a need to RP as much as any of you, and I do want to get some storyline together so I can feel welcome. And frankly the way that I'm out of plot lines (aka finding out my character had 2 nephews and 1 niece) when I couldn't change my character's outlook because I didn't know, it really makes me want to stay away. I gave it so many chances. If I had a brother of someone's character, I would keep them updated on what was going on. But no, that doesn't happen to me. It seems like people are afraid. I am not a scary bad person once you know me. Please give me another chance.
I want forgiveness and another chance to start anew with you all instead of being ignored or I will definally leave you all to your RP's and your playland without me. Farewell.
Kae caused havoc @ 04:56 p.m. PST
Thursday, January 3, 2002
It's a weird concept. I, being one of the most non-homophobic people, am afraid of transgendered people. Why? That I am not sure of.
I have a friend. He shall remain nameless. He is gonna be a full fledged dressed girl soon. At first I was totally okay with it. So was my mom. So was my boyfriend. So was basically everyone. But with each passing day, I learn more about this friend. And finally yesterday night, I realized that I couldn't handle the concept of my friend being a girl. It was creepy. So now I'm a horrible friend and it doesn't get me anywhere.
I have another friend. She is a girl. She is a lesbian. And for some reason I always thought I was totally afraid of lesbians. But there is no way in hell I am going to be afraid of this girl. Cause she's my best friend. (No, it's not Li.. lol) She has a girlfriend. That's great. She is beautiful. That's great as well. So Lesbians I can handle..
I have a bisexual boyfriend. That doesn't bother me at all. Actually that really really is kewl. How often can you find a bisexual male? It's kinda rare. And when you are bisexual yourself, it works out pretty kewl. I used to have a bisexual best friend that lives in NS. (She knows who she is). We both knew that we were bi. We were so comfortable with eachother. I have 3 other bisexual friends that goes to my school. All are female. So bisexuals I can handle..
Last thing is male gay. I have a friend who is gay. Unfortunally he is so hot.. but.. I am totally confortable with gays. So gays I can handle.
But for some reason I can't handle transgendered people. I'm not ready for that change. And it's weird cause I'm probably considered a "drag king" cause I wear guy clothes and I look like a guy. It's weird.
Augh.. brain hurting. Off I go to OpenCanvas again.
Kae caused havoc @ 5:32 p.m. PST
Tuesday, January 1, 2002
Another year come and left and come again.. [sigh]
Another year came and went. Where did all the time go? Where did it disappear to? One minute I'm normal and now I'm messed. One minute I'm single and the next I'm not. One minute I'm in school and the next I'm not. Months went so fast, so fast taht I don't even remember what I did in three quarters of the year. Reflecting on every single situation I faced just either made me smarter or made me go more into the deep insanity of 'the void'. Friends left, Friends gained. It's all a fact of life.
The fact of me staying up till 5 am typing this just proves that either the 13 asprins that was downed with straight rum really fucked me over or I'm really speaking from my heart. You decide.
Kae caused havoc @ 04:57 a.m. PST
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
Ok I guess I thought as fast as my little mind could wander. I guess..
(Hold on, people around me are being totally peverted and looking at my naked background of Lilith from Neon Genesis Evangelion.. [swats them and changes the bg to Yuna from FFX])
I got a few rants I need to get off my chest so be warned.
[rant 1]
I might be screwed. I might be taking life the wrong way. I might pretend that nothing is wrong with what I do. I might pretend that I am all fine and good. I never ever took it upon myself to go and not judge you when you came to me and described the mansion and the people in it. I never ever judged you when you told me about life's little problems. I never ever judged anyone for anything. And of course now the tables have turned it's me that is judged and no I do NOT LIKE BEING STARED AT! I have problems, don't we all. I have meds that do shit for me. I have shrinks that make me stand in silence and listen to the void and all the shit they put in my brain. And because of that, you and you go and give me your self pity while you sit in the sidelines watching me 'evolve' and torture me. And as I run away from the situation to please all of you, I manage to find the only person that ignores my problems. Yes, that is you Trace. I love you guys. I really do. Yes, I contridict myself all the time. I do want to change. My mom goes and treats me like shit because of the problems I have. I hate the house I live in and I hate the void. But what can I do? If all of you are so smart, at least tell me how to correct myself? I didn't think so. So I'll sit in my little corner and watch all of you just give me your self pity.
And I don't want to steal other people's words and phrases.. and I'm sorry for doing so. It's unintentional.
[/end rant 1]
[rant 2]
Yes I have a boyfriend. Maybe I am considered a player. I don't love Devon, so sue me. I hate love.. Hate is such a horrible word, why do I even say it? Yeah.. well.. Thuc I believe I love... well at least some of me does.
[/end rant 2]
[rant 3]
Excuse me if I am not your expectations stupid you.
[/end rant 3]
If you didn't know, obviously I'm losing my ranting power so I will come tomorrow and rant more. [nodnod]
Kae caused havoc @ 01:13 p.m. PST
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
stuff
I'm really not the best at these sort of things. It's one of those sorta inner feeling things. Bah, now I confused everyone. Yeah, I'm talking to myself. Alisa (my friend) who used to go as Liquina told me to write a journal entry in here to put to use the layout I did and if I start babbling I might hurt someone again so I might as well not talk at all.. right?
[notices Li stealing her phrases] HEY! err is MY SAYING! actually.. no... [shakes head] it.. was... yeah.. someone's... [nodnod]
Anyways I shouldn't talk really because I'm fucked.. right?
Maybe when I get guts I'll talk.. maybe.
Kae caused havoc @ 01:00 p.m. PST
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
W00+
Welp, I've had enough of LJ so I'm trying out this.. seems pretty enough.. ain't it? O.o yeah.. I delete blogger.. it causes more problems then you can count. I love love love the beautiful picture Saka did.. O.o
Well.. after 3 hours of code and lossa work on photoshop.. I dead.. yes I am.. byeee [goes off to work on her project]
Kae caused havoc @ 10:58 a.m. PST
