(layout) blah .. hchan here. i slapped together this layout for dearest kchan =D it's a pic by the xenogears artist. now kchan won't feel afraid to look at her own blog..'cos that man was frightening...

(Quote of the day) "So you sign all the papers in the family name; You're sad and you're sorry but you're not ashamed." -Joni Mitchell, Green

I've joined two rp's in the space of....one day. I think I'll enjoy both of the rp's, and I'm looking forward to thinking of ways to be creative with a character when I can't use the other major ones while writting. I have to consider what everyone else is doing, or what they would have their character do in the situation I'm putting out there, and I have to make it workable for them as well as myself. I like the challenge of it.
It's getting harder to work on the comp, because just as I'm hitting my stride, dad gets home and has to work on it for...well, for work. I'm getting to know Matt a little better, and he's cool. I didn't really get along with him at first, but then I found out he wasn't being serious when he was teasing me. It's so hard to tell when you don't talk to a person either on the phone or face to face. But now I joke along with him, and he really is a funny guy.
Well, it's only March, and I already think it's too hot here. I really don't like Florida, but I love my family so much...I'm just not sure if I would be able to leave them permanently. I want to be a part of Ian and McKinley's lives...I didn't find out how cool my aunts were until a few years ago, and I wish I'd had more time with them. Now, I know that this is kinda selfish of me, but I want my nephews to know me...to see what I'm like, and to know they can come to me if they need anything, and they can't do that easily if I live far away. But I just don't like it here anymore.
I really need to get some sleep...but when I lay down, I keep thinking, even though I try not to. I'll get ideas for things, or (like last night) I'll think, "Oh, I should have done that differently...I should have done it this way..." and I'll get up and fiddle around with whatever it was I thought about. Last night it was my first post in the Vampire RP, tonight I'm thinking about the Vampire RP, but I'm also thinking about the Mech RP. And in the back of my mind is Trish's picture, and Hchan's birthday present, and Bonnie's birthday present...and what on earth will I get my dad for his birthday? He only enjoys gift cards for book stores, but I know that every one else will get him something like that, and I just can't afford a really nice silk tie (I know it's a cliche, but he NEEDS ties...you haven't seen the ones he has...), and there's no way I can afford any of the computer things he wants...::sigh:: I could make him a really nice card, but he'd just put it in a pile of papers either here or at work, and we wouldn't see it again until he dies and we have to sort through all his stuff.
This post is getting whiney and too long. I won't say anymore.
-Kchan <((_u)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:14 a.m.

I'm thinking of telling the doll I'm making of Hchan's harpy to go hump a weasel. Because I can't get the hair right, and it's really pissing me off. And I haven't even started on the wings yet. I dunno, I just...haven't wanted to do anything lately. I just feel like lying in bed and curling into the fetal position (which is one of the only positions I can sleep in lately, and that's odd because I can usually get comfortable pretty easily) and sleeping. I've been reading a lot, because it's a way to get out of the house without..you know...actually going anywhere. I can just get sucked into the book and ignore everything...displeasing.
McKinley will be a year old tomorrow. If you want to get technical, he won't be a year old until tomorrow night, bbut who's counting hours? He and Ian were born three months apart to the day, so Ian will be fifteen months old tomorrow.
Bob Dylan gets a million cool points, because I love this song (To Make You Feel My Love). Even though...it's a Billy Joel version...but Bob Dylan wrote it. So there. I'm such a hopeless romantic.
I'm trying to learn all the lyrics to We Didn't Start the Fire, just for the halibut. I remember that song coming on the radio when I was...five, I think. When he got to the part where he says, "Trouble in the Suez" I always thought he said, "Trouble in the sewers" with a New York sort of accent, and I thought he was talking about the Ninja Turtles XD Oh man, I was such a dork. But then, I had no idea he was making a political sort of statement, 'cause I was five.
I was kinda depressed at the beginning of this post, but I feel a little better now.
I just realized that Dave Mathews is very fond of the phrase, "Say love". Hm.
I need to get out more.
-Kchan <((_v)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:02 p.m.

I'm bored. I could go read, but I don't feel like it. I want some one to come over and keep me company, but I have no idea what we'd do. I think I need pie.
Kchan, complaining like usual <((_x)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:20 p.m.

Happy birthday Trish! <((___~)>
I went to Trish's birthday dinner at Lucy Ho's. It was yummy, but I had quite a time getting there. My mom didn't get home until after six, and so I didn't get to there until seven, and the whole time I fetl really bad because it's on the other side of town, and my mom hates to have to drive all over the place. Luckily, I got a ride half way home (Leila's mom took me to their apartment and my mom got me there), so my mom didn't have to drive so far out again.
That was the first time I met Trish's stepmom. She seemed kinda goofy. I didn't know exactly who she was at first, because I've met her mom, and...her stepmom looks a bit younger, and her mom banned Cory, and Cory was sitting between her and Trish, so...then I realized who she was and thought, "Duuhhuurururrr!" and ate my rice.
LMFAO!! Kristen and Harrison shared the Pu-Pu Platter!! XD Actually, it looked really good, but we joked about it a bit before it got there, because we're dorks like that. Well..I'M a dork like that.
So there's this big spider on the ceiling. And......it's SHIFTY. I don't trust it. Kristen said that it wants my soul. It probably does, but Hchan ate it so it'll have to take some one else's.
Yeah. That's about it.
-Kchan <((_^)>

sanity was maintained @ 10:51 p.m.

*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.

What pisses you off?
Created by ptocheia

sanity was maintained @ 01:42 a.m.

Yeah, the title has nothing to do with the post, but I like that line, so...go hump a weasel. Yeah.
I had a good time at Hchan's, but her mom decided that she didn't want to have to drive all the way to my house, so we didn't go to Bill's Art uhm..City or Studio? I don't remember. So her sister took me home, and Debbie and I went shopping from around 4 to...I think it was...8 when we got home? I dunno, but it was the rest of the day after I got back and had a shower. Showers are good (especially when you come home smelling like cigarettes because Hchan's sister smokes xP). Hchan and I didn't really do a whole lot (we never do, which Hchan doesn't seem to like much) but I had a good time. We watched (at Hchan's insistance) Triple X, which was crappier than I expected, but there is ONE moment which I would watch it all again for: A close up of Vin Desil's face in which he looks so incredibly stupid, I couldn't believe it.
My throat thingy came back while I was there though, and it was so bad the last night that I was there, that I (Hchan says) was snoring. I'm still coughing, but my.......OTHER problems are over with, so I won't mind bowling as much.
Boy, did I suck on Wednesday. I wasn't any good with pool, either. It was odd to see Harrison get so competitive about it too because it's a side of him I've never really seen...and towards the end of the game, I got the feeling that Kristen sort of threw the game so he'd win, or at least stopped trying. I can't remember who won though...I think Harrison won by default or something...but I can't remember, because that happened with the first game too...and...my memory has never really been that great.
Yeah, so I met Cory (sp?), and he's a nice guy. I wish Trish's mom hadn't gone insane and told her not to see him anymore...which she is...doing anyway...but SH! Tell, and I'll kill you! 0_<
Hm. I think it's kinda funny that the "done" button on the pitas new entry page has an exclamation point, like it's such an exciting thing to blog.
Bloogity. I was supposed to talk to Anthony on AIM while I was at Hchan's, but we didn't really do a lot of stuff online. I DID color that picture though. And Debbie took me to Bill's, so I'll...do stuff. CRAP! I FORGOT BLENDING STUBS!! I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!! AAARGGREAGRGGAGRG!!!
::gurgle:: Uhg. I'm nearly out of money now, too. Shit on a shingle.
-Kchan, forgetting stuff like always <((_X)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:49 a.m.

I don't really know what I plan on saying, but I figure if I ramble about nothing long enough, I'll figure something out...
So Timmy likes peanut butter, but only if it hasn't been tainted by bananas.
Debbie bought My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and it's pretty cute. It has some funny parts in it, and I was surprised because I was expecting it to be complete chick-flick. It has the guy from Northern Exposure in it, and I can tell you, he doesn't look as good with his hair as long as it is in the movie. I don't think the TV series will be very good, though.
The top part of my wrist hurts. Probably because I've been on the computer for long periods of time, and it's been a while since I was in the habit of doing that.
I'm pretty sure that I'll be better in time to go bowling on Wednesday. I just need to work out some details with Hchan, because I asked if I could go home with her afterwards, because I need to get out of this house. Also, I'm getting an idea of an outfit for her Harpy Goddess, and I wanted to work on it with her. AND, I need to color the picture I drew for Trish..and....I don't have Photoshop anymore Y_Y...but Hchan has Adobe, and she has a palate..thing...and it's much easier to color with the pen than with a mouse. e__<
I'm having trouble thinking of a good story-line for the RP, and I agree with Hchan, about the story being a bit weak as Matt explained it, but I think we might be able to take it somewhere...It's just that, I can see his idea as being a really good video game, but not as good for a role playing game. He should come up with video game concepts. I think he'd be really good at it, and I've seen some of his art, and I think he'd be good at helping design the characters for the games too...::ponder::
I was thinking just now, about how Kate (Fulford) told me that it was more practical to use cd's to store information, and I agree with her as far as the consideration for storage space goes, but I think that a zip disk would be better all around, because once you burn information into a cd, the cd can't have any other stuff put onto it, and you can't alter the anything on the disk, either. It doesn't seem very practical anymore. I think I'll stick with my zip disks for saving stuff on..
My mom said she'd take me to Bill's, but I think I'll wait and try to help Hchan convince her mum or sister to take us both, because she needs to go too....thpbt.
Timmy followed me in here just to bite my leg. He's such a twerp.
Oh yeah, McKinley cussed my brother Russ (his dad) out. Only not really, because he can't talk yet. But here's what heppened: Russ was doingsomething on the computer, and McKinley tried to climb on the chairs around the table, which he isn't allowed to do, so Russ got him down, pointed to the charis, and told him no. A few minutes later, McKinley tried to do it again, so Russ told him no again. The third time McKinley did it and Russ told him no, McKinley scowled, pointed at the chairs, and started babbling at Russ in a very angry and stern (for an 11-month-old) tone of voice. He probably got even angrier when Russ started laughing at him, because I doubt he if he was able to keep a straight face for very long. -Kchan <((_o)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:47 p.m.

Yeah, so I'm sick AGAIN, only this time, my throat is sore, my head, neck, and back hurt, I have dry-coughing spells, I crave soda even more than usual, and I have......drainage ::VWA-NA-NA-DUN-DUN-DUN...and eyeshift to Hchan::
Horrid you say? Yes. It is.
Okay, tell me if I'm wrong about something...
When a woman wears perfume, it's supposed to be subtle; something that you can only smell when you hug her, if she's very close to you, or if she walks past you, and it wafts after her the way the smell of a flower carries gently away from it. Because, with a name like perfume, it has to have romantic/silly rules, right? When put on in one room, it should not fill the entire house with its overpowering stench, right?
Pshht.
Explain that to my sister, ne?
I think I should go where I can't get exposed to so many viruses and germs until my immune system has made a comeback, because every time I start to get better, a family member will unknowingly bring home a little extra for me. Uhhhhggugughhughghhghrgreargargarg..::gurgles..in a bad way...only to start coughing::
-Kchan <(9_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:29 p.m.

I thought I was better, but I slept all day, read a little, and then slept some more. Then I woke up because Timmy was scratching on a door somewhere in the house because he was locked in a room. I thought It was my parents' room, but it turned out to be the computer room, which happens to be at the opposite side of the house. This of course, speaks volumes about the accustics in my house at night. It isn't that bad durning the day when there are things happening outside and in other rooms, but if it's the middle of the night, you can hear a lot of what goes on in this house. Which gives me a greater respect for my parents, even though it disgusts me to think about why.
Yeah, so because I was sleeping, I didn't go bowling, and it makes me very sad because Trish and Heather went, and I haven't seen either of them in a long time. 9_____9
So after I rescued him from the computer room, Timmy bided his time until I was getting a can of pears from the family room, and he snuck up on me from behind. He scratched my ankle, and it hurt. A lot.
But I've discovered a defensive move that actually works: Timmy doesn't like to get kicked in the face, so I just kick my foot at his face, and he pulls up short before I can kick him, so A) He doesn't bite me, and B) I don't have to actually inflict pain on my cat to get him to stop chasing me, the little spelt.
And that's about it for me. It's still early in the day, so I don't have much to report, but I'm gonna try to go to the Cultural Day thing at SAIL tomorrow...so...maybe I'll have something INTERESTING to say then.
-Kchan, only...more boring than usual <(>_o)>

sanity was maintained @ 07:09 a.m.

Megan is home now, and that's very good. For a while her body wasn't keeping calcium or something like that, so the people at the hopsickle gave her massive amounts of it, which can cause heart attacks if you aren't careful, but she's okay now.
I was up most of the night reading, and the rest of the night I spent trying to sleep. Thomas called Debbie, so that's good. I just wish I'd been able to get some sleep first, because (for those of you who don't know her) Debbie can be very loud. But she's probably happy about him calling, so...I won't sasy anything to her.
I hope I can talk some one into taking me to the bowling alley. I don't want Kristen to have to pick me up agian, because gas has gotten more expensive and I can only give her so much gas money. And I don't want to..not give her any because it would...just not be nice of me because she lives across town from me. And last Wednesday, she had to pick me up after she'd already gotten Hchan, and...that is a lot of driving. It just makes me feel bad, I guess.
::sigh:: I really need to learn to drive.
I also need to get to Hchan's to color that pic for Trish.. ::eyeshift::
Somebody needs to log onto AIM and chat with me. ::gives everyone a soulful look:: I'm loooonleyyyy...but really I'm mostly bored. Kinda like mostly dead. ::grin::
-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 06:11 a.m.

It has to stop. It has to end. I don't want to feel like that ever again. I don't want to feel frightened and vulnerable and nauseas. I don't want to start shivering violently every time I move. I don't want to feel like I'm on the brink of starvation, but if I eat, I'll throw up. I don't care what you are guilty of, no one should ever have to feel the way I felt. You shouldn't be plagued by confusing, frightening dreams that leave you sweating and disoriented; that confuse you, and make you feel so alone and small and weak. No one should experience any of that seperately, let alone all together.
Needless to say, I missed a dose of my anti-depressant again, and once again found that the cure is worse than the disease. I would rather feel unhappy and listless than the way I felt yesterday.
It might have been worse because I'm just getting over being sick, but I remember the first time it happened. I will never forget that day, blurred and incoherent as it was at first.
I have to talk to Dr. Morse. I have to go see him, or talk to him on the phone.
Did you know that Effexor is also used on people with siezures? I didn't until I was sitting in the dentist's chair, and the nurse looked over my chart and asked if I had them, and then told me that Effexor is also used for that.
I don't have siezures. But when I miss a dose, I get very close to having them. If you could see how hard I shake... If you knew how afraid it makes me...
I was feeling better when I talked to Tony on Sunday night, but when I woke up yesterday I thought I'd gotten worse. I'm better now, of course, because I've taken my medicine like a good little addict. But I'm going to talk to Dr. Morse and I'm going to be as nice as I can about it because he had no idea I'd react this way to it so it isn't his fault. It isn't anyone's fault.
But the more people I talk to who have had Effexor, the more certain I am that it is not a good pill. Everyone I've talked to has hated it.
It has to stop.
No one should live like this.
No one should have to feel that way, or the way I do right now. I'm still frightened, and I don't want to be alone in the house. But my mom has to work today, and I'll be alone. I want to curl up into a cucoon and hide.
The only way I could get myself to stop shaking was to read the scriptures. Yeah, Kchan is getting religious. Odd, ne? I know it wasn't because I was distracting myself that the shaking stopped. I'm not sure how, but I know that if I'd tried to read anything else, it wouldn't have helped. I felt so safe when I read them. The pain and fear went away, and I was able to sleep. I have more faith now, and it is a great comfort. But I cannot take this stupid pill anymore. I don't want it. I have to see my doctor.
-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 07:36 a.m.

...because I'm still quite...unwell.
I thought my hips were going to explode last night. My bones were so sore from the fever, especially all my joints. But my hips were the worst because of the way my bed is--it has a sort of dip in middle where I usually sleep, so a lot of pressure is put on my hips. I tried sleeping on both couches, but I finally gave up around 7:30 this morning, and made some scrambled eggs with cheese. Mom gave me one of her painpills because the tylonol was NOT helping at all, and I got to sleep around 8.
I didn't wake up until 7 tonight, and I've been up since then. I had a shower, but it wasn't one of my usual 45 munite ones because I can't stand up for very long. My legs start to shake and I get all...fluttery in my stomach and throat. Not like I'm going to throw up, but that kind of fluttery...it's...a...=insert frustrated noise= different kind.
I had some of this beef stew that you microwave. It was delicous. Even the carrots were good, and I don't usually like cooked carrots.
Just so you know, I'm a bit of a spaz when I'm sick (more than usual) and I was bouncing from subject to subject while talking to Anthony on AIM a little while ago.

Just so you know (in case you're stupid), INsertSANITY is me, and splobo785 is Anthony..

INsertSANITY: You know, I think they should play relaxing music in public bathrooms.
INsertSANITY: It would make it...more descrete...
INsertSANITY: I hate it when people can hear me pee....not that you needed to know that.
INsertSANITY: <____<
INsertSANITY: Hm.
splobo785: haha
INsertSANITY: My chapstick tastes really good.
INsertSANITY: Being sick makes me hyper.
INsertSANITY: My chapstick makes me want to kiss someone because they'd think, "MM! She tastes good!"
INsertSANITY: My cat likes poptarts.
splobo785: HAHA
INsertSANITY: Even without milk.
splobo785: are you sure you're not still sick?
splobo785: cause you seem to be jumping all over the place
INsertSANITY: I didn't say I was well. I said I was getting better.
INsertSANITY: And that I was better than I WAS.
INsertSANITY: It's hot.
INsertSANITY: It WAS cold, but now it isn't.
INsertSANITY: Which means the fever isn't completely gone yet. 9_9
splobo785: eek
splobo785: that sucks
INsertSANITY: ::singletear:: I hope I'm better by Wednesday!
INsertSANITY: I don't want to miss Bowling Night!!
splobo785: i hope you're better by tomorrow!
INsertSANITY: Yes.
INsertSANITY: Good thing we don't have McKinley tomorrow!
INsertSANITY: Poor baby, he has an earache. ::petpetofnephew::
INsertSANITY: ::is blogging::
INsertSANITY: ::gurgle::
splobo785: heh
INsertSANITY: I like that word.
splobo785: it is a cool word
INsertSANITY: gurrrrrrgggllle...
splobo785: haha

And that's just a SAMPLE.
::gurgle:: My head hurts. And my cat really does like poptarts. Because he's a freak for anything with carbohydrates in it. He likes bread, eggs, potatoes, anything with meat or milk (obviously, since he's a cat), he likes fried rice, and many of the veggies in it...the list goes on.
I really do hope that I'm better before Wednesday.
Eyes.....stinging....urg.
-Kchan <(o__<)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:51 p.m.

Yeah, so I was asleep most of today, and I'll be awake all night, and then I'll sleep through tomorrow. It's a vicous cycle. =P
Poor Hchan had some of her wisdom teeth taken out. ::petpet of Hchan:: All my older siblings have had them out, and I'll need mine out soon. My teeth have gotten so crowded that the dentist wants to do a special kind of cleaning that was really expensive, and they wouldn't even give me a regular cleaning when I went in. It really pissed me off, too, because when they told my mom how much it would be, and she realized that she couldn't afford something that I needed, she felt like an inadequate parent and started crying. That's what I was talking about earlier...I hate them now.
I'm having a hard time believing it, but I'm still really tired. I was asleep almost all day, and I'm still groggy and wanting to sleep.
It's probably the Fibromyalgia. I haven't joined the gym yet because Debbie is a lazy bum, so the symptoms are coming back; the pain and fatigue, the insomnia, the sick feelings...I hate being like this. I hate it.
I don't feel like changing the stuff in the margins, so... blah. -Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 08:46 p.m.

YAY!! I went bowling with Harrison, Kristen, and Hchan, and then we went to get food at Waffle House! It rocked my socks! I felt kinda bad because Kristen had to pick Hchan AND me up, so I gave her some gas money. Wednseday night is going to be our bowling night! WOOHOO!! I'm not that good, I only got a 55, but I had a really good time, so I don't mind. Also, I was really glad when my friends did well, so it doesn't matter. Kristen got the highest score, then I think Harrison, then me, then Hchan. Hchan granny bowled for us! Too bad Matt wasn't there, OH HO HO!! Butnotreally. ::eyeshift:: Yeah. So I'm thinking I should make us all shirts, like we're in a league. I think we should be The Squids! And have a picture of Cthulhu on the back! XD I have this spiffy black and white picture of him in a sort of crouching possition...I've decided that if I get another cat, I'm going to name it Cthulu. See, it won't really be Cthulhu, because it's missing the second "h". Yep. I saw plushie Cthulhus, and I wanted to get one for Harrison and one for myself, because...Cthulhu is probably one of the spiffiest gods I've ever seen. He has a squid for a head, huge bat wings, and a manish body with claws on his hands and feet. And I saw this guy's page, that he'd made a Lego Cthulhu, and my head popped!! I'm gonna link the pages if I can find'em again....::finds sites::

Okay, the site of the guy that made ralized he could make his own by using parts of other lego sets didn't work, but I found a place that makes them officially: officialCthulhu
Here's the site that had the Cthulhu doll (when you get to the site, search for Cthulhu, you dumbsplet): plushie
-Kchan = happy! <((_~)>
By the way, go to Google and type in, "tonari no totoro cthulhu" and look that the picture that comes up. XD

sanity was maintained @ 12:51 a.m.

You are Shiva! One of Final Fantasy's longest-
lived summons, you are the beautiful ice-maiden
who smashes Fire-based enemies with her super-
cool Diamond Dust attack. Rrrow!

Which Final Fantasy Summon Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

OOOOoooooooooooo......::drool:: Kyrstan = <3's Shiva

sanity was maintained @ 07:33 p.m.

Pete & Pete. So, your younger brother has a tattoo
and you don't, what could be worse? At lease
your names aren't Eugene.

What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla

WOOHOOO!!
I talked to Hchan for a long time on AIM. It made me happy. We sent eachother a bunch of pics and stuff...
I talked to Kristen for a while too 8D!! She sent me some digipics, and they made me happy too, but they made me miss her.
I have the spiffiest friends in the world.
Oh, and this is for YOU Matt, even though you pro'ly don't read my blog....
Naphthalene: A white, crystallin hydrocarbon distilled from coal tar, used in moth repelents, dyes, etc.
Yep! You have.....moth....balls....8X
-Kchan, only dirtier! <((____H)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:26 a.m.

Finished watching Broken Saints...at least...what they've put up, anyway. I wanted to cry at one part in particular, but...that would give it away, wouldn't it? Of course, I'm just a wuss and a sucker for animal's and such, but...that was just...wrong. And evil. And sick.
I got some good pictures tho'. But I had to sit there with my finger on the "printscreen" button, with lots of open Paint windows. Heh. I wish I'd thought of it sooner. Some of the pictures are really good. =p
My head hurts. I think I'm going to go to bed soon.
Oh yes. Hchan has a link to Broken Saints at her site, and seeing as how I'm far too lazy to do one, you should go to her blog. Or just go to brokensaints.com
It might be faster that way.
Hm. My nose itches. I've been itchy a lot today because I used Debbie's glycerin soap, which is supposed. to be hypoallergenic or something, but whatever. I'm just glad I don't have razorburn. ::shudder::
-Kchan, only...itchier...<((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 02:08 a.m.

I realized today just how much music means to me when I woke up from a dream where the kitchen caught fire, and for some reason, the computer (where I keep my cd's so I can listen to them in the player) was next to the wall of the kitchen. I realized that my cd's were in danger, and had to be restrained so I wouldn't go into the house.
When the fire was out, I was told the fire had probably made it too dangerous to walk on the floor of the kitchen, and I shouldn't try to get anything, but I went in after my cd's anyway because I had to have them; I couldn't live without them; I would go crazy if I couldn't listen to them.
The kitchen was a blackened, empty shell of a room, and everything had been turned to piles of ash. I looked at the computer, and it was mostly gone, but my cd case looked okay. I grabbed it and ran out of the house because I could hear the floor groaning under my weight, and I sat on a couch (I don't know who brought the furniture, but there was a little setup on my front lawn that looked a lot like the inside of a small coffee house) outside, where people had gathered on couches and chairs that had been placed in a circle around a coffe table.
I undid the clasps of the cd case, and flipped frantically through it, realizing that most of my cd's were melted or cracked, and some had terrible scratches. I started sobbing like my heart was broken, and my mom held me until I stopped. I looked across the room (it had gone from my yard to a room by then) and this guy who looked like the singer from Counting Crows (but I could tell it wasn't really him...) starting singing one of the songs from Hard Candy, I think it might have been Butterfly in Reverse, but I don't remember clearly. Anyway, I started singing with him, and the guys he was with started singing too, and I felt a lot better. Then some random things that I don't remember happened, and I woke up.
Yep.
I guess the moral of the story is that if anyone wee to mess up any of my cd's, I would freak out.
-Kchan <(((o)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:08 p.m.

Yeah, so, around three, Timmy decided to stand on my bladder and I've been awake since then. Sometimes, I wonder if it's really worth it, to put up with him...but then he'll be sweet to me, and I'll like him again, stinky thing that he is.
I like having people over. I want to have a party, but I don't like the stress of being a hostess. Also, when I get a huge group of friends over, I can feel my house shrinking. And I can't do anything outside because there's not that much to do out there. Also, it doesn't seem to matter how far ahead I plan it; people still just don't show up, even when they say they will. Blah.
I like having AIM, but it's odd too. I'm talking to Hchan on it while I type this, and...it's a strange feeling to be communicating with someone without seeing or hearing them. I hope telepathy isn't next. I don't think my fragile little mind can take it. Anyhow, I think we need to slow down. Everything moves so fast, now (with the exception of Hchan's computer ::grin:: I think I might have spoiled her while she was here cuz mine is so much faster..) and it's not like going any faster is helping anyone to be a better person. People are still ignorant and insensitive. I think we should take a step back and try to fix all the crap we broke before we do anything else.
Hm. I want a cookie.
-Kchan <((.v)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:01 a.m.

So Hchan is here, and we're eating candy. Yep.
I don't really have much to say. I just wanted to let you all know that I am indeed alive, but I can't vouch for Hchan. I think she might be a zombie.

Hchan> ::From the other side of the room.:: THAT WAS OUR SEEECCRRETTTT. ::Whine..makes heads explode 'cos her whine is like a SONIC BOOOOOM!!!::

K> ::wiggles finger in ear:: Ehehehehh. I hate when she does that! ::grumble::
So I'm going to make some Chinese food tomorrow. Yep! I'm kinda happy too, because I've been bugging my mom to let me try this Crab Rangoon recipe for a while, but I'm kinda nervous too because..I've never done this before.
We watched some moooooovies. And I've decided that I don't care much for Jody Foster. She was great in Silence of the Lambs (sort of) but.......she is a Von Stinkle. We also watched Brotherhood of the Wolf and it.......I dunno. It had good parts and bad parts. I'm undecided. So is Hchan.
Murder by Numbers was okay, but the guy we liked turned out to be the killer, and it was a let-down. Also, Sandra Bullock was a bit slutty in it, and I'm not used to that because she's usually, you know, not.
I dunno. Whatever.
We watched Atlantis! I like that movie. It's one of the few decent Disney movies out there. I want the soundtrack, because there were some really pretty songs, and it made me want to make a character like Kida (the main chick). But...blah. I don't want to bother. Too lazy.
-Kchan, sleepy <(z_Z)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:44 p.m.

Blerrrg....can't sleep. My head hurts.
Harrison and Kristen came over and ate dinner with me and then watched The Shawshank Repemption. It was fun, and I now have a greater appreciation for the phrase, "Pinch a loaf"....and if you visualize somebody pinching a loaf of bread, you got the meaning wrong. Yep.
My mom is leaving in a couple hours for Orlando...and Hchan is coming over. Aren't you, Hchan. ::glares at her::
I think I should go to back to bed before I lose all feeling in my legs and can't walk anymore.
-Kchan <(e__e)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:41 a.m.

Okay, so I talked my dad into downloading AOHELL insant messenger think...so...my id is INsertSANITY, so...look for me. Yep.
-Kchan <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 10:38 p.m.

Okay, let's see if this dumb link works:
Monquiz
There. Enjoy.
-Kchan <((.v)>

sanity was maintained @ 04:27 p.m.

So I was writing down a recipe for crab rangoon while talking to Hchan, and because I a) was distracted, and b) mix up my d's p's and b's nearly all the time, instead of writing down "1 cup flaked crab" I wrote "1 cup flaked crap"
Yep.
And when I gave the recipe to my mom, I told her I wanted to make it while Hchan was here, but she told me that she thinks Megan (one of my sisters, for those of you who don't know...) has the fryer. Then she said, "Well, Megan and Robert (Megan's husband) like Chinese food, maybe they can just have dinner with us." I told her that I didn't think Megan really liked Hchan...because she thinks her voice is annoying. My mom told me, "Well...it is." and I laughed. Hard. And my mom explained that, "It isn't annoying all the time, she just does this thing with her voice that's...like chalk on a fingerboard---I mean, nails on a chalkboard..." and we started laughing because I'd told her about the flaked crap thing...and it was a sort of...mutual dislexic moment...yeah.
I love my mom.
-Kchan <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 03:35 p.m.

I made a quiz at Quizilla....It's called, "What are you?" and my username there is (surprise, surprise) Kchan. So... go take it. Right now. Go.
I don't really have much to say other than that. Besides, I don't feel like changing any of the info on the side right now. So there.
-Kchan <((.u)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:21 p.m.

That was one of the best movies ever.
I want to go back to sleep, but I've been doing pretty well with sleeping at the right times this past week. I'm getting sore in my joints, so I really need to start working out again. My brother J-D says I can go to Gold's with him, but...J-D is a big dork, and I can only take so much of him in one week, and I have to work out at least twice a week to keep the soreness from coming back...Also, I don't know how much wieght I can lift, or what machines or how many reps. I never counted, because Derek and I talked most of the time, and I can't talk and count all at once. I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH!!! ::dramatic sob::
Blah.
Yay, quizes. ::eyeshift::

What's Your Bedroom Personality? (For Her)
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm a Pretty Pretty Princess ::said in deep voice::

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

.........I know several people who would have something to say about that "don't care about love right now" comment... ::guilty look::

!!! What should YOU be for Halloween? !!!
brought to you by Quizilla

Basically, I should be Trish for Halloween.

What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is so me, it's depressing. ::goes to get more cocoa to comfort her self-pitying...uhm...self o_<...::

a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Kattula/quizzes/What%20eating%20utensil%20are%20you%3F/">
What eating utensil are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

SSSSPPPPORK!!!
Yeah. I didn't really like The Tommyknockers. It just...was a McSmellerman. But I do like how Stephen King ties in all of his stories, and mentions things from previous books. It's spiffy. I'm making this pretty picture, and I'm going to scan it, and make Hchan show me how to post pictures on my site. Yep.
Kchan <((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:29 p.m.

Did you know that Stephen King used to look like a chipmunk? It's true. Look on the back of a copy of Tommyknockers and you'll see.
I'm reading like crazy lately. We went to the library, and I got a bunch of books, so I'm happier now.
My muscles are kinda sore, but I'm having a massage next week, so that's good. I need to join a gym so I can start lifting weights again. The study I was participating in is over, so I don't have anything to do...
I've made a big decision:
After I start lifting weights again and the pain goes away, I'm going to get a job and learn to drive. My mom said that she'd drive me until I had enough money to pay the insurance...so...yeah. Then, I'll also save money for a little piece of crap car, and I'm going to be able to do things and go places. YAY!!
I'm so terrified.
-Kchan <((.O)>

sanity was maintained @ 10:36 a.m.

And So It Goes

In every heart, there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
-Billy Joel

sanity was maintained @ 07:22 p.m.

Yeah, I got mad at Debbie because she was being a Von Stinkel, but I whined to Anthony and Hchan, and I feel better now :)
I know so many sweet guys. Why do I always like the ones that are...not my type (that's the best I could come up with to describe them....)? I could fall for several of my guy friends, if the circumstances were different. I might be right now...but...I don't think I'm going to. It just wouldn't work, and I'm still liking someone else.
But still. I could be in danger of starting to love some one, and I don't want to do that again.
I read Trish's blog, and it made me really sad, that she'd give up like that. I know she's so much stronger, and that she can get through what she was feeling when she wrote that. I've learned that people are much more resistant than they think they are, myself included. I keep thinking, "I'm never going to make it through this! I'm going to ruin my whole life this time, I know it!" and then... everything is okay after all.
On a completely different note, my mom got a Billy Joel cd for Christmas, and it rocks my socks! It has all these songs that I remember listening to when I was younger, and I get happy when I hear them, except they make me want to drive someplace; they make me want to go somewhere; I want to get in a car and just...drive and drive and drive. But I can't (for those of you who don't know, I can't learn to drive until I can pay the insurance, and I can't pay it until I have a job, but I can't get a job until I can drive myself there. Regular catch 22, ain't it?) do it, and I want to so very much. I want to see the west coast again, I want to see the rest of the east, and everything in the middle, I want to visit Anthony, and I want tosee my Aunt Sue in Colorado, my Uncle John and his wife Bonnie in Utah; I want to see Canada...=insert sad, frustrated noise here=
I want to get out of here before I can't bear to leave it. I need to see the rest of it before it's too late to leave what I already have.
-Kchan <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 06:55 p.m.

I miss Joel. He had to leave before he thought he did, and it makes me sad, because I only got to see him once while he was here. But happy that he's coming back in the Spring, only...he's coming to have his wisdom teeth taken out...and I feel sorry for him, because I've heard such horrid things about it.
I read The Shining, and it was good. Better than the movie. But more disturbing, because...it was Stephen King's third book, so the picure of him in the back of the book is an older one...and he looks so very creepy. Of course, he never looks that great in any of his pictures...but...::shudder:: uhuhuhuhhh....
Yep.
Loran, Liane, and Ian are coming over for breakfast in a few hours. We're having home-made waffles. I'm so hungry right now, and I keep thinking about Belgian waffles and cocoa. Needless to say, the thought of them isn't helping.
I slept all day yesterday. I'm even starting to seriously consider mom's suggestion of seeing a hypnotist. But I think I'm going to try the accupuncture first.
I wish the "Married But Lonely" people would leave me alone. Apparently, I've left my profile up on ther messageboard, though I can't remember doing it, no matter how hard I try. And this girl emailed me about "showing her around town sometime" because she "just moved here" and I got an email from some girl who saw my my post on the messageboard of some singles website and thought I "looked interesting." I've never been to a singles website. I think Timmy's doing it when I get up to go to the bathroom or get something to eat. He's so...shifty.
I know I'm not sleeping enough when I say things like that about my cat, so I'm going to try to sleep soon. Wish me luck.
Kchan <((_o))>

sanity was maintained @ 06:02 a.m.

I had a lot of things to say...but...I realized that Timmy (my cat) has dandruff. And I can't think of anything else. I have a cat. And he has dandruff.
Does Head and Shoulders work on cats?
-Kchan <(O_o)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:16 p.m.

I want to go someplace warm. Not hot, but warm. Southern Florida, maybe? Even though I don't eally like it there. Actually, I like cold weather. I just...get lonely because it's snuggle weather. You have to have someone to snuggle when it's cold outside, or it just isn't as nice.
I forgot to take my anti-depressant last night, and when I foget to do that, I get V E R Y ill. I have frightening or non-sensical dreams, and I sometimes hollucinate. I feel sick and spend a lot of time in the bathroom, and I shake like an addict in withdrawl. I'm unquenchably thristy, but I feel like I'll throw up if I eat or drink anything. I get feverish, I feel hot but can't stop shivering, I feel like I'm freezing cold, but I'm covered with sweat from all the shivering I did whan I was too hot, so I feel like I'll never warm up.
I woke up from a nightmare sometime last night covered with sweat, but all I was wearing was my underwaer and a wife beater. I hate this medicine. I'm going to go to the doctor to get put on something else, but I'm thinking that I'll have to slowly decrease the dosage of Efexor (the thing I'm taking now...if that's even how it's spelled) before I can take anything else, which means I'll be getting even more depressed than I am now.
And since the Efexor is an anti-depressant and I'm still depressed most of the time, I need to take something else anyway, because the stupid stuff isn't even doing its job. But I'm feeling better now. I slept a lot, so it wasn't as bad as the first time this happend. The first time, we really thought I was going to need to go to the hospital because it's almost exactly like being severely dehydrated, and we were really worried for a while.
Thing is, my dad gave me a blessing and I got better faster. I know that a lot of you probably don't believe in God or something, but Mormonism really...feels right to me. I just don't like all of the rules sometimes; all of the structure and rigidity. But for me I think it's the right thing. I just don't want it to seperate me from my friends. I don't like how some things are considered so wrong when everyone else thinks that they're totally natural.
Forget it. Let's all just go to the beach and play.
-Kchan, sick and fed up with everything <((_<)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:24 a.m.

I don't really know what I should put in this blog anymore. I start to type something, but I'll get really personal (more so than my last post about that dream I had), and I just don't know if I'm brave enough to put it there on the web for everyone to see. It's one thing to bare my soul to one or two close friends in a comfortable setting, like at one of their houses or mine, and only if they also feel confortable enough around me to do the same. It is quite another to put it here for the world to see, even if the world doesn't read this.
I mean, I've only let one person see all of the pictures in my sketchbooks. Why should I let what feels like the whole world the see my soul? I dunno. I've written some things while free-writing that really brought my subconscious into better focus for me, but why would a person other than myself or a therapist of some kind want to better understand my subconscious mind and the way it works? You're all probably worrying about your own minds, not mine.
Maybe I'm just typing this to put myself down because of things I've written and put here but didn't want people to see after I had a chance to think about it. I've been second guessing myself a lot lately; wondering what my real motives are and what I can do to improve myself...if I can improve myself at all.
I think I'm just stuck in a rut. I haven't gone anywhere much, and I haven't done anything much, and I'm nervous about getting my GED and then (hopefully) learning to drive. I think that I'm scared because everything is changing so quickly, and I'm never ready for it. IS there a state of...uhm...readiness(?)...at all? Is anyone truly ready for anything?
-Kchan, unsure of everthing <(O_____<)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:35 a.m.

I had a dirty, crazy dream.
I was listening to a cd, and no matter how far down I turned it, it was too loud and my head and ears hurt because of it, and then there's a blank space, and the I'm with someone and crying and upset, and I was just...basically going on and on like I did that day at school after my grandma died and I had a nervous breakdown (I KNOW it was a nervous breakdown, because a sane person does not consume an entire two-liter of cherry coke without noticing it until the bottle is empty and they're shaking uncontrollably).
So I was pouring out all my woes, and I can't remember who to, and then they (I say "they" because I'm not even sure it was a guy) put their arm around me, kissed my forehead, then my cheek, kissing my tears, then my mouth, and then it was this...odd....mercyfuck thing. And I was crying the whole time, but not really hard, just tears slipping down my cheeks, and no matter how many times they'd kiss my tears away or brush them away with their fingers, I just couldn't stop.
It was wierd, because I don't usually have dreams involving sex. And, I kept switching perspectives. I was looking at myself like I..wasn't me...or I was looking at them through my own eyes, but I couldn't see them clearly because I was crying.
It's really going to bother me...not being able to remember who they were, and not being able to tell who they were from the parts of my dream that I do remember.
Now that I've...disturbed you with my pornish dreams...
I slept most of the night last night. I feel pretty good about it, and I'm hoping to talk my mom into taking me to SAIL during lunch either today or tomorrow so I can see people. I need to get out of the house and see my friends after a dream like that ::eyeshift:: -Kchan, disturbing herself <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 05:31 a.m.

I just looked up hiatal hernia on Google, and it sounds nothing like what Hchan has. This makes me angry, because it implies a mis-diagnosis that might possibly be serious, and the person that may or may not have been misdiagnosed is like a sister to me.
Kchan, pissed off <((.<)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:48 a.m.

I went with Harrison and Kristen to get sushi at Jasmine's and it was...so yummy. We got cupcakes and cookies from Poobliox too. With Power Rangers rings on them!! XDDD Harrison and I saw a shooting star as we got out of the car when they dropped me off.
I had a good time. But it happened again. Like it always does...the two things I hate to do, but keep doing...
I kept saying nearly everything that came to mind. I couldn't keep from saying things that just...weren't funny or relevant. I knew they weren't funny. And I hate it.
I've spent so much time away from everyone that I've gotten used to not having to say anything amusing or interesting. And I've been so upset about my dad's loss of control over his words that I feel like I'm compensating...that I'm doing this to keep him company, to save face for him. Because my brothers and sisters have been talking about him. And it hurts so much.
I was always closest to him of all seven of us. He had a lot of emotional baggage (and still does) because of the harsh way my grandma was with him sometimes. His father wasn't the best guy in the world. She left him when my Uncle John was small. And my dad didn't really know how to be close to us kids until I was little, so I had a really cool dad, but the rest of the kids didn't have the same experience. My sister Petrea hardly likes him at all, but that's mostly to do with the stuff that happpened with her ex-husband.
They all know that he can't control what he says as much as he used to because of his stroke. But every time he says something overly emotional or something inappropriate or rambles for a long time about something, they talk about him. Like gossipy vultures, they gather together, someimes in a big group, sometimes little ones, and they say, "Did you hear what dad said? What was he talking about? Why is he talking about that? What why who how hear here..." and I keep silent, or worse. I join them. Because I can't believe it either. We all understand, but we say these things about him. Our father. Our own father.
And I went to sleep at a reasonable time tonight. But here I am, awake since 2:30 or 3:00am. I have to help my mom, she needs to have help with McKinley so she can get things done around the house and stuff. But I wake up or don't sleep at all and then fall asleep around 9:00 or 10:30, and I sleep all day.
My tongue hurts. Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 05:20 a.m.

Yeah, the quiz was messin' up my margines. So I took it off of the page. Besides, you've had more than enough time to check out the quiz, considering the fact that the only people that come here have already taken it or wouldn't take it anyway...becasue...I don't think Joel cares to know who is LOTR male mate would be...and I don't think Heather cares, because she isn't a pathetic fangirl like me. She seems too sensible for that. I could be wrong, though.
So there's this movie at newgrounds called "BAGAGAGAGA BOP!"...and...it is the most indescribable thing I have ever seen. It's has the voice of a Japanese singer, but the words come from a poorly animated Brittany Spears head. It...I can't describe it. It had Martha Stweart and Barbara Walters. I hate Brittany Spears, but I couldn't help laughing. It was great.
I've been wantin to read The Hobbit. But we let someone borrow our copy. So I can't.
There was another cartoon at newgrounds. It was beautifully animated. But the content was disturbing. It was a movie called, "Teach Me" and I thought at first that it would be a silent cartoon with a frog teaching another frog something. It wasn't. It was a frog snuff film. If you don't know what a sni=uff film is, you are a lucky person. -Kchan, only more disturbed than usual <((=O)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:37 p.m.

Wash me away
Clean your body of me
Erase all the memories
They'll only bring us pain

With that, I think we should put the subject of Daniel to rest.
I got up at about...twoooo.....and went to the Chiropractor at three-thrity. When I came home at about five, I ate a cupcake, and went to bed. I woke up nearly twelve hours later, and I really don't want to sleep all day today. I want to have a normal sleep schedule, like a normal person. I hate how, when I've been asleep for a really long stretch of time and I eat something, the energy from the food hits my blood stream really fast, and I get shaky. I'm like that right now, and it's hard to type.
So that's all I'm gonna say, other than to thank everyone who said things to make me feel better after previous posts, because it really helped. -Kchan <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 04:21 a.m.

Maybe I should clarify a few things about my history with Daniel, in case some one reading this is going, "Aroo??"
When I was fifteen, The Universe decided that I should like him. Much to my consternation, It never bothered to explain why. I'm going to confront God with this when I die.
So, my parents had this rule that I couldn't date until I was sixteen, so I waited for my birthday, and in the meantime made it clear to him that I liked him. After I turned sixteen I asked him if we were going to do anything about the fact that I liked him. So we did. I went over to his house, and we watched a Mystery Science Theater movie, and, since I really liked him, and was allowed to do it now that I was sixteen, I asked him if he was going to kiss me. So, he asked me if I wanted him to. Well, we ended up making out, and I told him to stop after a while because that's as far as I'm willing to go because I have this crazy idea that I'm going to wait until I'm married to have sex. Also, it would have been really slutty and skanky to have sex on the first date of my entire life.
What I wasn't expecting was that he would ignore me after that night. At least, this is how it felt to me. I felt that he thought he'd gotten what he could, and thus discarded me. I felt used, and started to hate him. I mean, I REALLY hated him. In a previous post, I talked about shaking with rage and fury. That was a time when I was shouting at him about how stupid and inconsiderate he was and how he never let anyone finish a thought before interupting. See, a few days before I snapped and screeched at him, I'd made a comment that skateboarding took way more talent than rollerblading, and was going to go on to explain this thoguht, when he interupted me and defended rollerblading. And that was when I snapped. It was one slight to many. I let my hate build up, and finally freaked out and shouted at him.
That's why I hate him. Because I was naive and had no previous experience with that kind of physical contact, I didn't expect it to be meaningless to him, and then I turned everything he did and said into an affront on me personally. Every stupid comment, every disgusting joke and gross thing he said or did, I took personally, until I hated him so much that his presence was enough to drive me from a room, until I wanted him dead, and wanted him to die because of something I'd done to him.
I learned something. Never use a person for your own gratification. Be it physical, financial, emotional...it doesn't matter. Don't step on people. That's how some one can start to hate you enough to kill you, or to wish you dead. -Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 09:00 p.m.

Yeah so, Daniel was at Joel's party. I saw him and wanted to leave. After kicking him in the head, of course.
He asked us all (jokingly, of course) if any of us knew a contract killer, and I said just as jokingly, "I'm a contract killer." and he rolled his eyes asked us something like, "Anyone else?" and Brie said something I couldn't hear. Then he said, "I don't care if they're a girl. I just care if they're an idiot." So I laughed to make it seem like I didn't care; that he hadn't just hurt me in front of my friends. But it did hurt. It made me so angry, to know that he can still make me feel like I'm nothing. I thought I'd stopped hating him. I guess I was wrong. I just can't keep from seeing how much of an ass he is. He talks about disgusting things, he does stupid things, expecting to get laughs. One of the things that urks me the most is that he does.
If he hadn't been there, I would have had a good time. I mean, it was fun, but it could have been much better.
I know that underneath, I'm just angry that he made out with me, and then ignored me. He acted like I didn't matter anymore, that he'd gotten something from me, and he was done with me, ready to make another girl feel like she's finally found a guy who likes her, only to make her feel like she's worthless after all. Underneath, I know it's just the hurt feelings of a naive sixteen-year-old girl who thought that some one liked her, after all of the time she spent feeling lonely, ugly, stupid, empty. Underneath, it's just me, being childish and feeling sorry for myself.
Why don't they see? Why can't they tell how stupid he is? Why didn't they see that it was cruel and immature of him to say that about me when I was joking along with him (or thought I was, anyway) and trying to be nice? Or did they see it, and not want to do anything? There wasn't really anything for them to do, but...I don't know. I just...I didn't think he'd be there. I thought he was in southern Florida or something. I thought I'd grown up more than that, but when I walked in and saw him...I just...I didn't care that I hadn't seen Joel or any of my other friends in a long time. I wanted to get as far from him as I could. ecause the pain is still there. The piece of my heart that he slashed and stomped on is still there, festering away.
Maybe we're both stupid. Him for slighting me, for not seeing that I wasn't going to say or do anything mean to him; for cutting me down and acting like everything I said and did was dumb or rediculous. Me for blurting things out that only Hchan would have laughed at because she knows how silly I can be (because I did say some things that only Hchan would have laughed at, and we laugh at some pretty dumb things); for hating him, even after all of this time; for thinking I was mature enough to handle it, for thinking he had matured. Some times I wonder if he ever will mature, if he even can.
No one wants to read this crap. Why do I even bother typing it at all? -Kchan, disappointed <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 11:36 p.m.

I dreamt of a girl,
to whom I would give the world.
Like a single diamond,
in a field of ash.
I'd give her my heart,
just to make her real.
In her I will find paradise.

I like it. -Kchan <((_-)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:44 a.m.

You should all go watch Grosse Point Blank.
There's really nothing for me to post about. It's just that I'm awake at 3:30, and I shouldn't be. I should be asleep, like everyone else on this side of the world.
Maybe I should get a show like Insomniac. Only without the drinking. Of course, that's most of the show.
Even though I like all of the other Violent Femmes songs that I've heard, I don't really like "Gimme the Car."
There's nothing wrong with the song. It's good. It just doesn't really appeal to me. Maybe it's because the lyrics make the guy seem sleezy. Or is that sleazy? Hmm. -Kchan <((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 03:16 a.m.

I love Janis Joplin. It really depresses me, to think that so many gifted people died in such pointless, preventable ways. It makes me angry, too. But, if they hadn't died, what would the world me like now? What about all of the music that John Lennon would have made? Or Curt Cobane? What about Jimi Hendrix? What would the world be like if Martin Luther King Jr. hadn't been shot? Or JFK?
I dunno. Maybe there are really important things that wouldn't have happened if those people hadn't died. Maybe there were really important things that could have happened. I think I'm just upset because some of the people that I really admire died of drug overdoses, or were killed just because some one hated them with so much passion or insanity that they took that person's life.
I've felt rage before. But I've always cooled off, and I very rarely get so seethingly furious that I could kill a person over it. On the other hand, while I was so angry, I might have been capable of it. I don't know. I just think that murder is pointless. I understand that people are such passionate creatures that we can be blinded by our feelings. But I know that the blindness can wear off, and then we realize the horrific things we've done, but then it's too late.
I have been so mad that my whole body shook. I couldn't think coherently, and I started to stutter because I was thinking so fast, I mean, I know what it's like to have my mind racing with dozens of things, and all of them were hateful and spiteful; they were all cruel things, but I was thinking so fast that I couldn't say them all at once. I can see how somebody who, in that frame of mind, if they were pushed too far, might kill another person. But I know that it doesn't make it okay.
I wonder what it is that can make a persom cross that line? What is it that certain people lack, the thing that makes the rest of us understand that killing is wrong? Some people can take a life (not necessarily a human, either), and think nothing of it. That frightens me.
How did I get to this train of thought?? -Kchan <(((o)>

sanity was maintained @ 03:06 a.m.

It's Christmas. And...I got cool things. I'm a very happy little Kchan. I got several cd's, a little...fannypac thing to put my cd player in for when I walk around the house doing things...and this pretty geisha...tassle...thing. Which I have on my lamp, so I can see it all the time. I got the best hat EVER. It's blue, and I love it. I got a little penguin in my stocking, and it's soooo soft that I want to snuggle it...forever. And watercolor paints. I won't tell you the rest of the stuff I got, because you probably don't care.
I'm gonna see The Two Towers. With people. That I know. Yep. -Kchan, only happier...and hungrier...::leaves to eat:: <((__~)>

sanity was maintained @ 02:23 p.m.

I love the Violent Femmes. I think I'll go find the members of the band and force them to get back together. That is, if they've broken up. ::eyeshift::
I think that I should go somewhere. Some place...that is not here. Yerse. ANY place. I really don't care, as long as I'm with someone that I can tolerate for a long period of time, and who can also be around me for long periods of time.
Basically, Hchan and I need to rent a room at some hotel and hang out there. Of course, It'd be better if I could drive around, and not be confined to this one location. Assuming I'm out of Tallahasse, because, let's face it. This town is stinky. There is rarely anything to do here. Hchan is my best friend, so she's the first person I think of. But, there are people I'd LIKE to know that well.
Ah well.
I think I'mm gonna go build something. So I can break it. -Kchan <((.e)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:30 a.m.

Blerg. I haven't posted in a long time, so I figured I'd let people know that I'm alive, since I...don't ever email people.
I've been reading the "Ender" stories. It's good.
Joel is in town, and I've talked with him on the phone, but I haven't done anything with him because he had his wisdom teeth taken out (poor, poor man) and my mom said to give him about three days to recover from his drugged-up stupor. So I will. And then I'll bother him until he has to hit me with...uhmmmmhhmmmm...a pillow. Yerse. That sounds more tolerable on my part than my first instinct, which was a rock. I'm so violent.
I need to find my cd player.
I'm glad that Debbie's home, but she isn't as much fun as Hchan. I can't joke with her the same way. I was really sad when we had to take Hchan home. I kept thinking of things that would only be funny to her, and I didn't have anyone to give...::eyeshift to Hchan, smile:: things to. She left her LOTR dvd here...which gives us a reason to do something again. I feel bad that the email she tried to send Matt didn't work. He was very worried, aparently, and I feel sort of responsible. Matt can hit me with a pillow too. -Kchan <(-__-)>

sanity was maintained @ 08:28 p.m.

I got the new Sigur Ros cd "( )". It...is so good. I also got a White Stripes cd, and a Violent Femmes cd. I am a very happy Kchan.
Oh yeah,
JOEL IS HERE!!!!!!! -Kchan <((__________^)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:07 a.m.

Hchan is at my house now. Beside me. And Matt is probably wondering if she's still alive. It is...all part of my evil plan to.....do evil things!! AAHAAAHAAAAA!!! MMWAAAAAHAAAAAAAA----::choke:: Yes.
Hchan's forehead is growing like the mighty oak. Because I told it to.

Hchan> ::In the background with a tree out of her forehead.....birds have already begun to nest.:: ....... v.v;

Kchan> THAT TOO is part of the plan. I shall also need a pogo stick, a lighter, and a gumwrapper. No. That's part of the plan to impersonate McGuyver and gain access to the country's stash of evil plans!!!

Hchan> ::Ignores birds on her head-tree.:: That's....uhm..::Strain.:: ..............STINKY.

Kchan> ::glare:: No it isn't. It's the best plan in the WORLD!! You're just...stinky!!!! >F

Hchan> ::Stone face...for....two minutes..then breaks down crying.:: WHO TOLD?!??!!

Kchan> Well, the birds have suffocated for one thing. And, you have...a stinky aura. That's another factor.

Hchan> ::Stares as animals around her head tree just...randomly start to TUMP. As if on cue.:: .... >F FHJSHJBAHJA LD;;::hhhkk;;JJ ::Explodes...ten times...and then spontaneously combusts and starts a forest fire...therefore....is gone.::

Kchan> ::turns into SUPER DEMON WEASEL NORSE GODDESS MAHANA and puts the fire out:: Tsk. That was a silly thing to do, Hchan. All that stinkiness is highly combustable and exploding never helped anyone get rid of their stink.

Magically Revived Hchan> I'm not "Magically Revived". I'm dead forever.

S.D.W.N.G.M.> Matt is gonna be SO pissed if you don't cooperate and revive magically.

Uncooperative Dead Hchan> He'll just have to resort to necrophilia. And if he doesn't, he'll have to marry Will.

S.D.W.N.G.M.> ::POP::

THE END.

sanity was maintained @ 12:46 a.m.

I slept a lot yesterday and today. I bought and made presents for people, so I have a much smaller level of holiday stress, tomorrow Ian will be a year old and McKinley will be nine months old, I'm worried about Hchan's mysterious illness, and as much as I dislike him, I don't want Hotey to leave Hchan's mum, because if he did, she'd have to sell the horses. She really loves them. I don't hate him now; I just dislike him, but if she has to get rid of the horses, I think I will hate him, because I really like Hchan's mum, and if you want me to hate you, hurt someone I care about and I will.
My mom is calling me, so...I'll blog another time. -Kchan, pressed for time <((_Q)>

sanity was maintained @ 07:52 p.m.

I saw the best thing ever on the way to get my dad and then to Fazoli's. I mean, it wasn't the best thing ever, but...it was so great.
On the way to get my dad from work, there was this HUGE group of guys with trick bikes. And when I commented on it, my mom said, "Were they wearing the same clothes or something?" and I was like, ::head explodes:: "A BIKER GAAAAAAANNGG!!!! ON BICYCLES!!!!!" They were just sitting by the road and talking. It was hilarious, because on the way to Fazoli's, we say them up ahead of us, using the speed bumps to do little jumps. Actually, now that I'm sitting down and blogging about it, it isn't so great unless you were there. You guys really missed out. ;p
Also, there are these people on Jackson Bluff with two big plastic candles in their yard, you know? The ones that come up just above your knee, and they have a light in the top so it looks like a flame. And one of the candle's lights is out. Think about it. A candle. With its bulb out. Man, I'm so tired right now. Everything is funny. It's sad, really. It's Friday night, and I want to be out doing something fun, but I'm tired.
If someone called me, or if I could think of something to do and actually find somebody that doesn't have any plans, I could do it, but the lack of something and someone makes me very sleepy.
I've noticed that I get sleepy when I'm depressed. It's like my mind doesn't want to deal with anything, so my body just shuts down.
I'm worried about Hchan. I mean, it sounds like she's just enimic (I know that's not how it's spelled...) but she's scared, and I can't really cheer her up. Also, it could be something more serious, and that makes me scared. Boobyweenie.
I saw Harrison's mom at Walmart. She's so nice. -Kchan, laughing at just about everything <((_______o)>

sanity was maintained @ 07:08 p.m.

I am one of the most unhealthy people in the world. I'm drinking cocoa from a quart mason jar. With a bendy straw, of course.
I have such a headache right now, and this cocoa isn't going to help at all. I also sort of hate myself for not being able to get the hell out of bed so my mom could go to work earlier. And when she left me with McKinley, guess what we did after I tried to keep myself awake and only lasted until two. Go ahead. Guess.
If you guessed sleep, you were right. Yay for you. I did some free writing at midnight. I'm not sure what I think of the results. It was odd how words just popped into my head when I put the pen to the paper. It's a simple process. You get paper and a writing utencil, and empty your mind. Then you put the pen to the paper and let the words come by themselves. I discovered something about myself that I already suspected. It isn't something I like. I wrote, "I'm addicted to my own pain. I've had it for so long, I'm afraid to live without it."
Maybe that's what's wrong with me? -Kchan...only defying description <(())>

sanity was maintained @ 01:51 a.m.

So, nearly all of my friends seem to be depressed, and there's nothing I can do.
My head hurts a lot right now.
I think I need some more pie. -Kchan <((.<)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:25 p.m.

I slept until 5:30pm today. I hate it when I do that. Some people think it's nice to sleep all day, but...it isn't. I've done it before, and you feel like you've wasted so much time when you could have been doing something, even if you were just reading a book or sitting around. At least you're awake.
Yeah, I need to get to SAIL. I miss people, and I can't have a party because the house is still a mess. I should go during lunch time, and then hang out in the art room or something ::eyeshift:: I...am still...sort of liking a person, but I need to see him, because I'm not sure.
TV is the devil. I should stop watching it unless I'm gonna watch a movie.
I made blueberry muffins, and they are very yummy. HEH!! Yumyum, Hchan, YUMYUM!!!! ::explode::-Kchan, only with more cream filling!! <((_______________X)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:48 p.m.

Well, I went to Hchan's and I had a good time. My mom took me on Thangskiving Day (night, really) because she's cool like that, and it was fun. Anquiteil (sp?? e.O) and Midori are so soft now because they have their Winter coats and I got to pet them. <((___^)>
Anquiteil is HUGE. He's one of the biggest horses I've gotten close to, and I don't think he's done growing yet, but I'm not sure. Midori is so beautiful. Her coat is turning from brown to grey, so it's speckledy and cool.
I talked with Anthony on AIM, and I'm glad that he's feeling better and that he got to see Christina (the girl he likes...she's very cute and I wanted to hug her when I saw her pic). I wish he'd have more confidence in himself; he's such a sweet guy, and he's so nice too.
My cat Timmy's such a spaz. He's cautiously sniffing the floor and looking around suspiciously, even though he's been in this room thousands of times. I should get some pics of him and post them. He's cute and looks cuddley. Only he isn't. At all. Unless he wants something. ::disgusted sigh:: I don't think he likes me, even though I feed him and take care of him despite his stinkiness.
Liane finished the curtains (WOOT!!), and all we have to do is get them here. She forgot them on Thanksgiving, but oh well. At least they're done.
Libby (a girl Hchan nows on AIM) made me a bunneh--that's right, a bunneh, not a bunny!! It was so cute, but I don't remember how to make it =p
I'm thinking of archiving all that crap down there. Hm.
The Cranberries make my head pop!! -Kchan <((_n)>

sanity was maintained @ 09:45 p.m.