Layout:
blah .. hchan here. i slapped together this layout for dearest kchan =D it's a pic by the xenogears artist. now kchan won't feel afraid to look at her own blog..'cos that man was frightening...

Quote of the day:
"There's only two kinds of mongers. Fishmongers and whoremongers. So...there's either something fishy about the whores or something whory about the fish." -Monself

I'm not really sure what to post...I just felt like letting you all know I'm still alive and bitching xD

I've been posting some stuff on DA that I really like....and I've actually been able to get my thoughts across in my last few comments, which is always a relief. I only seem to be vastly articulate when I'm writing something that I'm going to post later on...and not when I'm writing it to some one. But that's just my view on the matter.

Well, the majority of my family is here to have dinner. Good thing I got the dishes and the counters done in time, I guess. Not that they care XD
I still hold with the beliefe that my nearly-two-year-old nephew Ian saying, "Doom!" in a cheerful voice and with a big grin on his face is one of the most hilarious things I've ever witnessed. Oh man. He's nearly two now? ::suddenly feels old despite her vintage:: Yeah, he'll be two on December tenth. And exactly three months after that, to the day, McKinley will be two.
Where did all of the time go? When did it decide to stop dragging and start flying?
You know...it probably happened when I was asleep. <((.-)>

On a lighter note, it is drawing ever closer to the time when The Starlight Mints will play here. HERE! In Tallahassee!! ::extreme joy:: 8DDDDDDDD

I stood in the rain this morning. I'd been up all night reading (I still haven't slept since around 11 yesterday morning), and I felt...blah. So I went out on the deck and stood in the rain. It was really cold, but I was expecting that.
I walked out into the yard after a little internal debating, and while I was standing there, I heard Rudy's signature meow. Over and over again. e.e
He came trotting right up to me, and I picked him up. If you know Rudy personally, this would surprise you...it surprised me at first, but it just felt right. So I picked him up, held him close, and walked back to the laundry room. I stood in the doorway, rubbing his ears and chin. He started to purr very softly, and tried to nurse on my ears--something he hasn't done for years, maybe not since he was a kitten, and he's almost an old fogie of a cat now--and I felt a wave of....something. Warmth. Relief. Contentment. I dunno. It isn't any of those exactly, but it was close, and it was good. I stood there holding him for a long time. When I finally wandered back inside, I took a shower and noticed that my left arm felt heavy and tired, and couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered that I'd been holding a cat (not a light one, either) for quite some time, and went on washing my hair, trying to ignore the ache.
I dunno. It's had its moments...but today was a good day. I got to spend time with McKinley AND Ian (I usually only see Ian every other Saturday), Petrea, and Debbie. For a short time, Liane and Anne were there too.
And now, my family is arriving, and I should probably go spend time with them. Or something. XDDD

-Kchan <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:43 p.m.

I'm getting sick. It sucks really bad. Other than the physical symptoms, there's not really any proof that I'm sick, because I took my temperature, and it was normal. Well, that and my mom thinks I look...puffy. >_>;;

I have no initiative. I've got these two pictures with a lot of potential. And I suddenly don't care if they get finished or not. This leads me to believe that I am suffering from: a) an illness, b) laziness, c) lack of inspiration, and d) being fed up with having such a crappy, time consuming art program. Now, these can all be remedied.
For a, all I can do is wait it out and take vitamins.
For b, I just need to get off my lazy ass and get things done (i.e. get my damn GED before my brayne ::eyeshift to Hchan:: atrophies).
For c, I think that will also get better once I start the process of getting my GED. I'm not sure why..it's more of a gut feeling, really.
As for d, I just need to get that Adobe art package that Robert told me about and install it in this computer. My dad is talking about clearing out a bunch of stuff in here, and letting me have more space in the C drive so I can install an art program. I think that if I could get some more zipdisks to save my things on, I'd like to do that, because I know I'm probably taking up a nice big chunk of memory with all of my shite. And, if Debbie will do the same thing (or get her own computer, like she's been talking about), then there'll be plenty of room to install some things for me to use. Like a tablet. ::sigh::

I'm very sore. I kept waking up in weird positions...which is another thing I do when I'm sick. I have crazy dreams and wake up in odd positions.
I've been sleeping a lot lately, even for me. It's probably really pissing mom and Debbie off, because I've only done one of my chores yesterday...and people are coming over today. A lot of people.

Meh. I don't have anything of consequence to say. ::runs off..only...really she just sits at the computer and waits for some kind of inspiration >_<::

-Kchan <((_c)>

sanity was maintained @ 03:05 a.m.

Huzzah for The Beatles.

Yikes! A metaphor:

People are like their own little countries. We're all a bunch of little islands, and we're all sort of alone. But we build bridges to each other to span the depths and keep us connected.
The majority of the bridges are built of wood and rope, so when a storm comes, the only thing left is driftwood and thread, and it doesn't take much for the thread to snap. But some of these bridges are made of stone, and while these kinds are stronger, they can crumble and the stone can erode from the buffeting of the storms. Still others are built of metal, and these tend to last a lot longer, but over time, if uncared for, metal can rust.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that nothing is permanent; not people, and not relationships. The earth's plates shift and make the islands change. Sometimes it's only a subtle difference, a simple matter of geography--what was once in the center of things is now a bit more to the left or the right--but sometimes the plates shift and there's a storm at the same time, and the island can be almost alien to you because the customes have changed so drastically.

I'm not saying this about Kate Meg, mind you. We're different, but I still think of them as good friends. But we are different, and the chages got me thinking is all.

It just struck me how very tired I still am.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 12:35 p.m.

I'm to the point of tears. I really am.
I was drawing a fanart of Kou in oekaki. The canvas was too big. In MS Paint, which I was told is almost exactly like oekaki, you can resize the canvas without losing the picture. This is not true of oekaki.
Several hours of work are gone. Several hours of a picture that was coming out incredibly well for my first serious try at oekaki (the only other time I used it I didn't really want to, so I just screwed around). My first really good fanart for Heather. It is gone. With one mistake, it is irretrievable.
I gave a furious cry of "FUCK!!!" I threw my headphones. Then I stomped off to my room to pout for a while before calming down.
J-D (my brother) dropped off the car (of all times, he decides on 5:30am to bring it back), and that kind of shocked me into a more controlled state because I suddenly had to think of who in the world (out of the people who have house keys) would come to the house at 5:30 in the morning. But I still want to break something.
I am not going to be using oekaki or even going to the site for a long time now. I'm very angry with it.

-Kchan <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 05:27 a.m.

Pitas freaked out the other day. And it seems some of my entries have been..er...misplaced?

-Kchan <((_r)>

sanity was maintained @ 02:12 a.m.

Kismet Eclipsed: You and Hchan
INsertSANITY: Yes?
Kismet Eclipsed: Are like peanut butter and jelly
Kismet Eclipsed: you know?
INsertSANITY: We stick to the roof of your mouth?
INsertSANITY: xD
INsertSANITY: And make the bread all soggy if you don't eat us right away?
Kismet Eclipsed: XD
INsertSANITY: And taste better with a glass of milk than with a juice box?
Kismet Eclipsed: wow...
Kismet Eclipsed: >_>
INsertSANITY: Yeah. We're EXACTLY like that.
Kismet Eclipsed: LOL!

Yep. I talked to Kent.

I had something to say...but I forgot what it was. That's okay, though, because I think it was depressing, and I'm tired of posting stuff like that.

My mom called the GED peoples today, and now we know what papers I need and such like.
Things are happening. I'm happy but skittery. Yes. Skittery. And now I'm (hopefully) going to stop feeling like I'm stagnating. I spent the weekend in an interesting emotional state. I alternated between depression, irritation, and different kinds of amusement. So, maybe since I'm tired of waiting for Hchan to get off her ass and take the TABE so we can get our GED's together, I can get something done. I don't want to wait around for her anymore. I probably shouldn't post about it when I'm angry, because I'll probably hurt her feelings or something, but she never reads my blog anyway.
Also, she's not the only reason I was hesitating, and saying that I'm tired of waiting around for her makes it seem as if she is, and that's not true. I love her dearly, she's been there when I needed her before, but...I need her now. And she's not here. She's not doing anything, and now that the other reasons have taken a back-seat to my restlessness, it's easy to get mad just at her for not having done anything about taking the TABE. Well, not doing MUCH. She was going to, but could find her social security card, and you have to have the number when you fill out the paper they give you so you can take the test.... Well, all of that, and I've just been rather moody as of late.

Anyway, thanks to Kent, I'm craving peanut butter. And that's about it.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 08:57 p.m.

I kissed you, and woke up. Why won't you leave me alone?

Lamb = makes me drool

Loran, Liane, and Ian came over yesterday. They come ever other Saturday.
I discovered that Loran had played Xenogears when it first came out. He didn't finish it though, because it sucks your life away until you finish it XD
He was on the hammock with Ian, and I was pushing it every now and then so it would swing, because Ian liked it. Then Ian did a bunch of adorable things that I find interesting but that would probably bore you to death if I told you about them.
I WILL, however tell you that I said something about doom, and then Ian started parroting it in that ridiculously cute nearly-two-year-old voice of his. So, one of the cutest things in the world is a little kid saying, "DOOM!" in a happy, enthusiastic voice.
Loran then proceeded to run around the backyard, playing with his son Ian, and his dog Toby. It was a happy thing, the three of them playing like that in grandma's backyard. Ian's Aunt Kyrstan (or, Terstin, as Ian says it) decided that these were the moments that Loran would remember when Ian was too old to play with his dad and Toby was burried in the back yard. These were the times that belonged to a father and his son, and she went inside, not wanting to intrude. The joy in their laughter was for them, and it made her smile to hear it because it was like sharing a secret that would make every one happy when they found out about it later.

Hchan and I to Messer Park, and swang. On the swings. Then we went to VF and Hchan got a Lamb cd, and then we went to get sushi at Jamine's. But it doesn't open until 5:30 or something on Saturdays. Jerks.

We wandered around town, trying to burn time until Jasmine's opened, going to a bookstore I can never remember the name of because I always confuse it with the other bookstores, and we looked at manga, and then cd's. Hchan got another Lamb cd, because, apparently, she has no self-control when it comes to cd's. Then we went half way to Hchan's so she could get FFVII at a used game store, then we went to SAIL, and since I had my camera we took pictures. I got sad because SAIL is different, but that's to be expected. Then we walked in the graveyard, and I wanted to see Trish (Stapleton) and tell her that I'm sorry I forgot so many of the Tai Chi moves, and that some of my favorite memories are of Drama class.
Hchan took pictures of me, and I took one of her back (she made funny faces if the camera was pointed at her) and one of the Crump Clump ::longing stare in the general direction of Europe, wishing that Kate and Meg were here::.... I'd like to get one of Hchan drawing, because she gets this absolutely beautiful, focused look on her face.
Then we went to the Library. I got some books, and we were informed, via overhead speakers, that the library would close in fifteen mimutes and the lights flickered ominously. By the time I'd checked out and called my mom to tell her why we hadn't come home yet, we still had about 45 minutes until Jasmine's would open. Hchan wasn't feeling well, and I was irritated and out of ideas. So we drove in the general direction of my house, and I suddenly got a craving for Fazoli's. So...that's where we went. And then we came back to my house.
I wanted to lie on the hammock. So I did. Hchan joined me, and we didn't do much more than talk and nearly tump off a few times. Then we came inside and I ironed a shirt while Hchan played FFVII, and my mom read a book and made comments about the game, which I found amusing. I guess she didn't ever watch the boys play FF games or anything.
I finished ironing my shirt (I hate ironing..) and inked a pic of Lorelei, which can be seen on my DA page. Then I passed out on the couch, because feeling strong emotions like anger and sadness in rapid succession/and or at the same time makes me tired. Go figure.
So, if you ignore all of the strange dreams I had after dragging myself to bed, that brings us pretty much to today.
I got up around six to see why Hchan still wasn't in bed, and found her sitting at the computer, listening to Coldplay. I'd been sleeping on the edge of the bed the whole night so she could get in when she got tired, and she hadn't come in because she hadn't wanted to wake me. Oh well.
She said something along the lines of, "I suppose I'm feeling tired now.." and we went back to bed. Mom got me up for Conference, but I was just too tired to go, so I burned some cd's, scanned some pics, posted the one of Lorelei, and now I've posted in my blog. I'm going to go make Hchan some food, and then wake her up, and try not to be sad anymore.

Wish me luck.

-Kchan <((.v)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:43 p.m.

You all have to go DL Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, by The Flaming Lips. Right now. Yes. DO IT. NOW.

I talked to Matt. He mentioned that he was saving up some money, and was hoping to visit soon. He said how Hchan said how I told her they could probably stay at my house...
Azrael Rhett: But yeah...
Azrael Rhett: Just as long as you two don't get the idea to superglue my fingers to my nipples, we'll have lots of fun.
INsertSANITY: ......
INsertSANITY: Oh man.
INsertSANITY: That's...just way too creepy.
INsertSANITY: Will just made a comment about nipples.
INsertSANITY: And then you did.
Azrael Rhett: Never, ever listen to Will.
INsertSANITY: >_>
INsertSANITY: Okay.
Azrael Rhett: You know all about earwax, right? That's really caused by Will.
Azrael Rhett: 'Cause people listen to him.
INsertSANITY: XDDDDDDDDD
Azrael Rhett: But his stupidity is too large for one person's ear to hold.
Azrael Rhett: And that's how EVERYONE IN THE WORLD gets earwax.
INsertSANITY: XDDDDDDD

Yep. After giving me these words of warning and explaination, Matt logged off to go to bed because he'd been up since some time around six-thirty. Forever after, The End.

'Cept not. There's MORE! 8D

I'm supposed to be going to the beach. With Julie, Lisa, Renee (Jamie), and Hchan. And maybe Joe. I dunno about him yet. Or Lisa and Jamie. They're...elusive. ::rap beat starts:: And reclusive...and........uhhh...::beat screeches to a halt abrputly:: Yeah. XD

The bass line in Hag is really....addictive. It gets stuck in your head. But it's a really good one, so that's okay. It's by The Breeders, for those of you who don't know..

Man. Hchan called and talked about wanting to go to a park and swing on the swings.....and now I want to do it, too. ::shakes fist::

I'm not sure what else to write.....OH YES. The Starlight Mints. They are playing here. November 8th. And I will be there. Oh yes. I WILL be there...

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 10:25 p.m.

It's getting cooler outside. I walked out earlier, and wanted to lie down in the grass and look at the sky, but the desire for a shower was stronger, so...I didn't. However, in a few days it is highly likely that the ladder will take its former place on the deck, so I can climb up on the roof at will.

I keep getting these horrible waves of depression. I'll be perfectly happy, and then, BAM. I'm not happy anymore, and I just want to curl up and cry. But that's all part of FMS, and I'm getting sick of it.

You should all go to Lisa's comic, Tabletron, and see my handywork xD ::jiggles::

Ian is coming over tomorrow, as well as McKinley (mom watched McKinley on weekdays). I was supposed to take something to make me sleep so I'd be able to get up and help mom and Debbie tomorrow...but I'm not going to. I want to type some stuff up first. Also, it's getting to the point where I feel guilty for not posting in Batalha yet, so I...should probably work on that.

Blah.

-Kchan <((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:10 a.m.

SO. I am at Hchan's house right now. Listening to the Six Feet Under soundtrack. Annndddd....it makes me happy because it's so good.

Yesterday Hchan got me from my house and we went to Crenshaw, where we did NOT play pool. But I still had fun... ::eyeshift to Julie..makes squishing motion with hand XDDD:: I need to post in Batalha very badly >_>;;
I have something in the works, but I haven't written anything very LONG......and I usually post big chunks of story at a time..so I don't like posting little bits of it. Besides, I usually go back and switch things around until I'm happy with the whole thing, and THEN I post it. That's probably why it takes me so long N_n;;

Not much to say, really. Hchan and I saw Pirates of the Caribean....and....it was STILL a rockin' movie. But I hated Elizabeth even more this time >_<

Uhmmm.....bloop.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 08:30 p.m.

It's 11:20 P.M. as I start to write this. I slept all day, and got up at nine, so as of right now, I've been awake for two hours and twenty minutes. I feel bad about that, but for a little while I had such a good time...

I put my glasses on the table, grabbed a towel from the linen closet, and ran outside (in my pajamas) to play in the rain. I remember flipping on the lamp post so I'd have more light, and slipping through the door quickly so none of the various insects fluttering around the porch-light would get inside.
I put the towel on the porch and just watched the rain for a minute, steeling myself for the cold rain. And then I stepped out from under the porch, grinning like an idiot.
I shivered a lot, and for the most part I had my eyes closed, face up-turned to the sky. I ran through the grass and onto the driveway, where I danced around between mom's car and Debbie's. I did the few Tai Chi moves I remember, and ran to the dip in the end of the driveway where the rain gathers and makes a puddle, which I jumped into and then hopped around in. From shin to ankle my pajamas was completely soaked, and I was happy.
I spent a lot of time just standing, running my hands through my hair until it was completely wet and dripping down onto my shoulders, face, and back. I held it up off of my neck and tilted my head forward, my shoulders involuntarily shrugging against the cold as the rain ran down my back.
The whole time I kept taking deep breaths because the air smelled so good. It was a fresh smell; clean and new. I laughed out loud to myself, letting the uncomplicated joy of it all wash over me. It was exhilirating. I was breathless despite my deep breathing (or maybe because of it). I just plain felt good.
The childishness of it struck me, but I didn't care and I still don't. I was happy, even if I was alone. I wanted to share it with some one, because it was so...wonderful. It's the kind of thing you'd want to remember with somebody years later.
I skipped through the grass and onto the porch, got my towel and went inside, breathless, full of adrenaline, and smiling. It felt like I'd been outside for a while, but when I came inside it was like I'd only just gone out, like I'd stepped into another time altogether, because my dad didn't seem to notice that my clothes were wet and I was wrapped in a towel. He asked me if I wasn't going to play in the rain after all. I said, rather loudly (and still breathlessly) that I already had. I ran my hand over my dripping hair, and was still grinning. My mom said something, but I don't remember what it was because I had just noticed that I felt like I was made out of light, that I was shining and bubbly, and I didn't want to lose that feeling so I bounced off to take a shower.
There's nothing quite like a hot shower after cold rain. But I gradually came down, and the light dimmed as I washed my hair. I'd used up what little energy I had, and my head and chest hurt. I haven't been doing much lately, so the sudden burst of activity, and the rush of adrenaline sapped my energy levels quite a bit.
I got dried and dressed (once again in pajamas), and plunked myself down into a chair in the living room, feeling pleased and tired as I brushed my hair and put it into pigtails. I really wish that I'd been able to share it with some one. It was so...beautiful.
The sky was black, and the only light came from the street-lights, our lamp post, and the porch-light. It reflected off of the cars with that soft, yellow-orange light that looks almost dirty if you're in a bad mood. I remember looking at the windchime hanging on the corner of the gutter, and wanting to ring it so I could hear something else that sounded happy besides myself. It really was a moment that should have been shared.
It's bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.

Now I'm sitting at the computer again, and I want to be with some one. I want to talk and laugh, and want to snuggle close to them and just sit; maybe listen to music and just not say anything. That was what started to dim the light. As I peeled off my soggy clothes, I thought, this would have been even better if I had some one...
Because that's where my thoughts tend to go. I don't want to think about it, because I'm always complaining about it. But I can't stop my thoughts from ending up at the fact that I'm living in a house with three other people...and I'm lonely.
It's better when Hchan is with me, because I can't help but laugh and joke around when I'm with her, but lately it's been harder and harder to think of funny things to say. It gets to the point where I just want to tape my mouth shut so I can't say anything. I keep trying to tell myself that I just need to get going, and then when I have enough momentum, it won't matter because I'll be busy. I'll have things to do, classes to take, errands to run for mom when I learn to drive (which I think will be soon because I feel more and more trapped now).
I feel like an inconvenience because I can't contribute very much.I do what chores I can, when I can. I watch McKinley when mom asks me to. But I've got my own little world, and I'm not doing anything while I'm here.
It makes me wish I were something else. I wouldn't mind being a cloud. I had a dream that mom and I were in the car, and there were clouds all over. It looked like fog at first, but then I saw that it was like the clouds outside the windows of the plane when we went to Colorado, and I begged mom to stop the car. "I want to know what it feels like to be inside a cloud." I told her. She was looking for a place to pull over when I woke up. I was really getting upset because she wouldn't pick a place to pull over.
I always seem to wake up when things get too bad. Why can't I wake up now?

This post was supposed to be happy and short. Now it's long and whiny.

I'm gonna go make a collage now. And eat a cupcake.

Yes. Cupcake....

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 11:20 p.m.

Haralebak: I was watching National Geographic, and you know how they say vampire bats are small and pretty much harmless?
INsertSANITY: Yeah.
Haralebak: Vampire bats are, but "false vampire bats" are the largest bats in America, and they eat birds and other bats by crushing their skulls.
INsertSANITY: O_O
Haralebak: So why is the horrible one called a "FALSE" Vampire Bat? WHY???!!!
INsertSANITY: Because it's REALLY the SKULLCRUSHER BAT.
Haralebak: Exactly!
INsertSANITY: But it's INCOGNITO right now.
Haralebak: Maybe it doesn't cry and write shitty poetry enough to hang around with "real" vampire bats.
INsertSANITY: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

LATER IN THE CONVERSATION.....
Haralebak: And someone shot a cake monkey.
INsertSANITY: Cake monkey?
Haralebak: A baboon stole cake, and a cop shot it.
INsertSANITY: A cop from the violent crimes unit, noless.
Haralebak: Yup
Haralebak: They should feed him to baboons.
INsertSANITY: XD
INsertSANITY: I guess they take their cakes very seriously in South Africa..

So yeah. I talked to Harrison. XDD

I also posted a sketch on DA....it's...decent >_>

And..here are the links to those things Harrison was talking about..
False Vampires
Cake monkey -Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 12:31 a.m.

I BEAT XENOGEARS!!!! ALL HAIL ME!!! 8DDDDDD
I wouldn't have been able to do it without Hchan, though. I would have been...::eyeshift to Hchan::...LOST without her. XDDDDDD

I did four new pics...one of Bandressi (the first one of him EVER, and his design may or may not change...), one of Kristen as a zombie, one of Trish as Super Trish, and one of Hchan, quaking violently. x3
The ones of Hchan, Kristen, and Trish are all for the Rainbow Series, and haven't been posted on DA yet. The one of Bandressi HAS been posted, for anyone who reads Batalha, and would like to see it.

I won't rehash the parts of the weekend that Hchan went over already in her blog...even though we both do like redundancy XDD ::thinking of such phrases as, "stealthy stealth, sexy sex, forceful force" etc.::
I WILL say that the movie, Underworld was visually pleasing, but intellectually lacking. Like The Cell. It could have used a healthy does of plot.

::jiggles to Pizzicato 5::

-Kchan, who is also visually pleasing (according to her sisters and Hchan) with her new haircut <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 08:20 p.m.

Okay So, Rick tells me that there was no Pink Floyd in the Mogwai thing...but....ohwell. I really don't remember anything of PF except for little snatches of tunes and lyrics, most of it from The Wall. I wasn't aware of it being Pink FLoyd, but that's what Kristen told me and I'm inclined to believe her. Besides, I'd never heard Mogwai before, so I have no way of knowing if that's how a certain song sounded or not. I'll just have to get all of their albums and seeeee 8DDDD

Hchan was here briefly. I was unconcious when she arrived, because I...didn't go to bed until mom was back with McKinley, and that means..around seven or eight.... Yeah. I was doing the dishes. xp

My Grandma Pat sent me a present. And I have no idea why. She sent me a ring, and a bracelet. They're pretty. But I'm not sure why she sent them. Perhaps as a thank you for the necklace I made her?
Also, the bracelet is gold, which I'm not that fond of. But I'll wear it anyway, because it was really sweet of her to send me something, and it's a nice bracelet. It's very simple, just two chains and a clasp, and I like simplicity of it. I can't really describe the ring. ::needs a webcam:: e-e

I need to draw more. I've been slacking off, and now there aren't any more pictures for my Rainbow Series thing on my DA page. None worth posting anyway. The others are decidedly craptacular, and *I* don't even want to look at them, let alone post them on DA.

So, I'm reading The Neverending Story. It is not what I expected. Where the movie ends, is only about the middle of the book. And..Bastian is fat. And the Childlike Empress is refered to as "The Golden-eyed Commander of Wishes." The name Bastian gives her is Moon Child. I feel like I've been let down or something, because...I dunno. It's just so weird. Maybe it's the author's style?
For instance, he'll start to go off on these little side-tangents about some character or other, and then he'll abruptly say something along the lines of, "But that is another story, which will be told at a later time." I mean..GEEZE. Just tell the story, say what you were going to say, or don't mention it at all. It's like being talked down to, almost. But then, that's the way a lot of adults talk to kids, and it was written for children.

I'm going to stop comlaining about that. It's pointless. But I will tell you if the book is worth reading, once I finish it. But if you do, pretend you haven't seen the movie. That might make it better.

I'm supposed to be going to a movie tomorrow with a bunch of people. I'm not exactly sure how it will work out, because Debbie's singing tomorrow night at church, and I wanted to see her. None of the other kids come to see her (because she sings at church..), and I want to support her, you know?

I got distracted for a minute just now, and I've suddenly lost interest in posting.

-Kchan <((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 07:29 p.m.

Purple! You have purple eyes! You're a dreamer,
artist, poet, whatever. You enjoy all forms of
art and literature, and tend to be quite good
at creating them as well.

What Color Are Your Anime Eyes?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah, I can see that. Also, purple is my favorite color x9

My ears are exploding with joy. Why you ask? Well, there's the residual ecstasy of Kill Spiders and Mogwai from last night, preceeded and followed by Kristen's God Speed cd. And now, I'm listening to my Grandaddy cd, aquired late yesterday afternoon along with a cd by The Cure. So, I am a happy camper of course.

I sort of wanted to go to the after-show party with Kristen, but I was really tired and smelled of cigarettes and enthusiasm and I really wanted a shower. Also, Kristen was more comfortable taking me home, because she planned on drinking, and might not be in a condition to drive me home. I really need to learn how to drive myself.
The Beta Bar would be a far pleasanter place to be if they had air conditioning. It was friggin' hot. Of course, the temperature was raised considerably (for me and Kristen at least) by the sexy accent of Mogwai's front man, who is Scottish...and since there were Scottish flag stickers on one of the guitars and one of the basses, I'm guessing the rest of them are Scottish as well. Holy crap. The guy playing in front of me and Kristen was so hot. ::lick::
Well, that and the fact that Matt, the drummer of Kill Spiders, and a close friend of Kristen's, is also extremely attractive, and he wasn't wearing much while he played. Let it suffice to say that next time, he should get boxers that have a button on the fly, just in case he wants to do any more dancing on-stage.
Then, after Mogwai had played their last song and the applause wouldn't stop, and had started to come alive with a pounding rhythm like the beat of a heart about to burst, they came out and played another song. I'm not sure about the whole thing, but the last part at least was by Pink Floyd. My brothers usually only played their Pink Floyd albums in their room, so I don't remember much of it.

There is nothing like music. It tells a story every time you listen to it, and the story is always changing, getting better. When you stand in front of a stage and a band is playing something that they created, and you can see the effort they put into playing; the sweat, the movement, the look on their faces...there is nothing like it. They are inside the music, and you can, in a small way, be inside of the music with them.

I think I need more guy friends.

That's...really the only thing there is right now. Music.

I'm still trying to get out of my writers block. It's been getting hard to work on Batalha or any of my other stories. When I feel the need to write, I do what I can, and then if it passes I save what I have and let it go. That's all I can do.

-Kchan <((__-)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:12 p.m.

Me> You're so HOT.
Joe> Thank you!
Me> I was talking to JULIE. XDD
I had a really fun time tonight. I met Julie where she works (at Safari), and we went to Osaka for dinner, and I met some really fun people. The hibachi chef was....well, he embarrassed me several times. Let's just leave it at that.
After dinner, we went bowling, and I had a lot of fun then, too. One of the guys I met, Joe, said he couldn't go bowling because he wasn't wearing an undershirt. He took his overshirt off when he celebrated, and he couldn't do that unless he had a shirt on under it. So I went to the bathroom and took off MY undershirt and gave it to him. I didn't really expect him to put it on, it was a joke, but when we got to the bowling alley he'd put it on XD It was too small, of course, and after a while he took it off, but it was really funny. I drew a picture about it, and am going to post it on my DA page when I'm done posting here.
It was really great, because even though I bowled terribly, I got to pounce on people when they did well, and I haven't gotten to pounce anyone in a long time.
Everyone was really nice, and I hope we can all hang out again. Everyone was also in college, so I felt left out in that sense, but it made me want to work harder at getting my GED, so I guess that's okay.

I guess that I should mention that I went shooting with J-D and Debbie yesterday. J-D (my brother) has a 380 semi-automatic pistol. It isn't very big, but it was loud, and recoil DOES hurt. Even with a relatively small gun. I have the shell casing from the first shot I ever fired. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it, because I don't particularly like guns. I was nervous every time I held it, and I have a hard time aiming because my hands are shaky (I have an "essential tremour"). I did manage to hit the target a few times though XD

I hope that Hchan is alright after her surgery tomorrow. She's finally having her wisdom teeth taken out, and so I'm a little worried. It isn't serious, but I felt horrible after I had mine out, so I have an urge to go and take care of her. I wanted to take care of Joel, but I wasn't sure when he was having his out, so I didn't get to.
Her mum will be there to take care of her, but I was still feeling gross on the fourth day, and her mum DOES have a job. But I know she'll be fine.

My hands were shaking pretty bad tonight. Sometimes it's worse than others. I think it was because I'd written a page and a half by hand, and that always tires my arm out and makes it shake a lot. Also, I've been pretty tired lately. I should start taking Tai Chi again. It was so great.

I'm rambling now, so I guess this is as good a place as any to stop.

-Kchan <((_z)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:28 a.m.

I am now in love with Sneaker Pimps. Yep.

I feel crappy. Charlie has to be put down today. There isn't anything I can do or say for Hchan, except to say that I love her and I'll help her any way I can.

Mogwai is playing this weekend. I want to be enthusiastic about it, but I'm really depressed about Charlie. I'm also not exactly sure why I'm blogging, because I have nothing to say.

-Kchan <((_y)>

sanity was maintained @ 03:29 p.m.

::ecstatic hump of Ben Folds::
Hchan came over yesterday and I burned a bunch of cd's. BEN FOLDS cd's. Because I had none. And that is a crime against everything.
I also have a Breeders cd, and a Sneaker Pimps cd, all courtesy of Hchan. She now has The Starlight Mints, and the Romeo & Juliet soundtrack.

For some reason, it really bothered me. It made me furious. After months of working on this story, Matt has said nothing about how I'm writing it. Until now. He said something about not refering to Lorelei having an adam's apple. Women have them, but they aren't prominent. However, you can see them when they swallow. I know this, because I've seen it, and since I have one, I've felt it. And when the people noticed that Lorelei had one, SHE WAS SWALLOWING.
He has said nothing about how I'm writing. He has said nothing about the way I work with Ademaro. No positive criticism. No criticism at all, except to (through Hchan) tell me about Lorelei's adam's apple.
Sure, it is a masculine body part, but that's only because it's more prominent in men. Men have breasts, but you don't think about them having breasts, do you? Because it's a femenine body part, since they're far more prominent on women. Now, the whole thing is wiggling around in the back of my mind, and I'm going to have to go back and change the damned entry because it's pissing me off to have it there.
But what gets me even angrier is that this bothers me in the first place. It's one of the dumbest things to get mad about, but last night I was ready to scream about it because my dad was on the computer and I wanted to get it all out of my system. It's getting so ridiculous. It's like I'm hyper-sensitive, but about the wrong things.

Speaking of Lorelei, I started work on a picture of her that Hchan'd left undone in my sketchbook. I like how it came out. I changed her expression, and finished her hair. I also altered her body slightly, because I didn't like the proportions. Next I work on clothes, and then shading. Then I scan it and post it on my DA page. You know, seeing the process all typed out, it seems a bit long and tedious, but it isn't, really. If I knew how, I'd make a new layout for Batalha with the pic, but only if I had the rest of the characters drawn too. There's a nice big blank space for them, but I don't know that I'd be able to do any of them justice the way Hchan can. Or maybe I'm too self-concious. I do know that the lead in my pencil is the wrong size. It's 0.5, and it's too big for my taste. But I just got that mechanical pencil, and I really like it. The grip is comfortable. Oh well.

I wrote a poem for Kristen. I don't know if I take the suggestions seriously or not, but right now I wonder. It could be taken as a joke, or as something to cheer her up. But right now, the way I feel...I really wonder. I posted it on my DA page, so...just click on the Monself link in the DA section if you're at all interested in my art or poetry.
Speaking of which, I've been posting a picture a day from my new journal. I'm calling it Rainbow Series, because all the drawings are done with my new multi-colored pencil. ::cuddles it::
I'm working on an ID for my DA main page. But I don't know when it will be finished.

I want to get my hair cut. I've had it this way for so long I can't remember when I first decided to grow it this way. Megan is going in for an appointment at some place or other, and she said she'd take me with her. And, I'm going to talk to Robert about getting a computer.
Things are coming together, so why do I feel like I'm falling apart?

-Kchan, whose hair is too long <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 10:34 a.m.

I took the quiz down. It was messin' withthe marginssss >F

As I start this post, it nears ten-thirty pm. That means I've been awake for about an hour. When I woke up around nine-thrity, my first coherent thought was, "Oh man, did I sleep all day again?" My second coherent thought was, "What time is it?" and this sparked my third coherent thought, which was quite panicked. It was, "Oh crap! Did I miss Trigun?!!"
I sat up, turned on the light, and squinted at the clock. It's only nine-thirty, so I make a noise that is part sigh of relief, part groan from getting out of bed and standing up after around twelve hours of unconcious imobility.
I go to the bathroom, welcomed back to the rest of the household by Timmy, who wants to come into the bathroom with me, because he's one of the weirdest cats I've ever known. After that, I walk out to the kitchen and the obligatory, "Good morning," comes from the kitchen. It's an old joke that I began while feeling bitter about having slept all day. I chug a small bottle of water, which I share with Timmy because he's nearly out of water, and then I take a shower. Mmm...shower....anyway, I decide not to watch Trigun anymore unless I'm with Hchan if it's going to affect me that way. You know, to make me panic if I think I've missed it. I'd rather read the manga, anyway.

The song Hurt that I like so much is by Nine Inch Nails. That surprised me, because I should have remembered that for one thing...and it just doesn't seem like their kind of song, for another. I knew it wasn't really by Johnny Cash because it isn't his style. But it really did seem more like a U2 song, like Joel said it might possibly be (he wasn't sure, it was just a tentative hypothesis).

Urrgg...::coughs painfully:: I thought I would be getting over this cold..thing..pretty quickly, but it seems to be clinging rather tightly to my lungs. I'm hoping that it'll go away soon, though. I'm tired of coughing. It really wears you down.

I have an idea for a picture...but I don't know that I'll be able to do it. It is of Fei and Id...and...the concept came to me around three this morning. I doodled quickly in my sketchbook, but I'll erase what I have. I didn't get the expressions right, and I don't know how to draw either of them, so I'm gonna do an image search later on and try to work from them.

I want to post some stuff on my DA page, so I'm gonna go do that now...

-Kchan <((_s)>

sanity was maintained @ 10:25 p.m.

Shoobadaploo. I'm writing a story with gryphons in it! x9

Hchan went home a bit ago, and I wish she had stayed...we're having Chinese for dinner, and I want to play Xenogears some more, because I just got to the second disk......and..........things are being EXPLAINED.

I nearly imploded with lust when Citan said, "Resistance is futile. It only makes things more painful.." and then, before the screen went dark a bit later......HE STARTED TO TALK TO ID AKSHGD;AKLEHGA;KL;' ::DOES implode XD===------:: God bless Japan!! XDD ::speedhumps Weltall::

Okay, so, Built to Spill is playing in OCTOBER, so I'll be having an EXTENDED fest instead of a MINIFEST. I got confused about the month somehow...

I've started yet ANOTHER story, but it's actually kind of a continuation of my first (and only) comic, the Element story ::cuddles it:: I've changed the character's names, and the story is a bit..complicated..but only because it's in my head right now, not on paper (or..the computer screen..whatever), but I'm hoping that Hchan will be able to draw it, like we sort of half-way planned.

Okay, woah. I just randomly started wanting to listen to Queen. I'm gonna have Bohemian Rhapsody in my head all friggin' night now.

I'm filling up the journal that Aunt Sue got me with doodles of A) characters from the Element story, B) random people, and C) more characters from the Element story. I'm doing all of the drawings with my multi-colored pencil, and I really like the way it's all coming out. Some of the pics aren't as good as others, but that's to be expected.
I really like the idea of doing a series of drawings in one theme...all in one sketchbook, all with the same colors (in this case, blue, yellow, red, and green because those are the colors of the wedges in my pencil).
I think I should get a smaller book, and just do a bunch of doodles in it, and see what happens.

That's all I'm gonna say for now. I have to get to work on stories and such, even if I don't particularly feel like anything I write will be good today...(see today's Words of Wisdom)

-Kchan <((__@)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:00 p.m.

You are a fencer. You fight honerably, you try not to kill your
oponents, but only disarm them, to force them
to surrender. Once in a duel, you will go all
out, and kill your oponent. You use a rapier.

What type of Swordsman are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well...I guess so. The picture's cool, anyway. Even though..that looks more like a katana than a rapier.

So I feel better than I did when I posted last, but I'm very tired. I still haven't gotten my sleeping schedule worked out properly, but it doesn't really help much that I've been hanging out with Hchan and playing Xenogears as much as I can. I've had a lot of fun playing it and making fun of it at the same time. Like...we gave the characters different names...and got a new swear out of it: Fig fartin' Satan! As in..Satan..farting figs. Let me explain...
Sig (Sigurd) = Fig
Bart = Fart
Citan = Satan
Fei = Gay
Elly = Smelly
Those are the main characters, so we didn't give the others nick-names.
Anyway, I was asking Hchan about something, about what I was supposed to do with Fig, Fart, and Satan, and I said it fast, so it came out Fig, Fart, 'n' Satan...we took it from there. Yep. This was probably said in the middle of the night, because that seems to be when we play it most often. You know, when we should be sleeping.

Sepaking of sleeping, we haven't been to bed yet, and I have a crapload of chores to do today, and Hchan's mum wants her home relatively early, and she needs to be awake enough to drive...

Liane is pregnant again. This'll make three grandkids, and my mom is really happy. Leslie is a bit..blah about it though, because she doesn't seem to realize that this isn't a competition. McKinley is three months younger than Ian, so of course he won't be able to do things as well as Ian does, or at the same time Ian does them. It may not seem like it, but for kids that young three months is a really long time, developementally speaking.

Oh well.

Mogwai is playing on the 13th, and then Built to Spill is playing on the 14th, both at the Beta Bar. There wasn't any info on Built to Spill other than the date that they were playing, but I'll need to get some monies from the bank, becuase Mogwai tickets are if you buy them before hand, and at the door, plus whatever food I want to get before hand. See, I wanted to go with Julie, Renee, and Lisa (and with Kristen to see Built to Spill), you know--like a minifest xD--with dinner or something before going to the Beta Bar (such a dumb name..I liked Cow Haus better).

Well, Lina's present (the first part) is wrapped and ready to mail...I just..need her address, and then I can send it. I'll need money for that, too.

Blah. I'm gonna go take a shower and do my chores..then probably pass out until Loran, Liane, and Ian come over.

Happy Labour Day.

-Kchan <((_Z)>

sanity was maintained @ 10:09 a.m.

I had a bad day yesterday. And I can honestly say yesterday, and mean the time before I went to bed, which was 1:00pm. I'd been up since around 5:30pm the previous evening. I've been doing that for the past several days. It's very annoying.

Around 10:00pm, three of Debbie's friends, who she's only met once or twice, came over to watch a movie. They were all largish guys, and all...dorks, honestly. Anyway, her long-time friend Kim was there too. So, I was sitting in mom's rocking chair, eating mountain casserole or something, and one of them sat down in the Corduroy, which I was resting my foot on. He sank in to it, of course, just like everyone does when they sit in that thing.
"Woah, I didn't know this thing was so squishy." he says to me. I nod, and as he turns away he notices that my foot is there, because I move it out of his way (it was on the side, but he had his arms propped on it, too). He touches my foot, caresses it, really, and says something like, "Oh I didn't know you had your foot here, you don't have to move it." But I do anyway, because he just caressed it. He gets up and sits on the floor to join the game of Uno going on, and I put my foot back in its former place.
I was really wierded out by that. I mean, since when are feet secual? And it wasn't a come on, either, so why did it feel like it was?

Debbie's friends leave, and I watch Bowling For Columbine. I decide that 1. I need the soundtrack, 2. that I should consider moving to Canada (but only if I have a job lined up), 3. Americans are insane, and 4. that I need to be cheered up by something stupid and popular.
I watch About A Boy, and decide that 1. it wasn't what I expected, 2. I need that soundtrack as well, because Badly Drawn Boy does some of the music, and the rest of the soundtrack is pretty good too, 3. that I need to do the dishes.
So I do them. Mom gets up, while I'm putting them away because it's nearly 7:00am by then. I do the dishes, take the recycling to the bin on the porch, and then give Rudy food and water. While I'm taking care of Rudy, my cd player starts to freak out and I have to take it of. While I'm coming back into the house, I have to physically persuade Timmy that he doesn't need to go outside just then, and while I do that, I crush the fingers of my right hand in the door.
Crying and furious, I tear off the apron I as wearing to keep soapy dish water from slpashing on my clothes as I go to my room to get the crying overwith. After a few minutes of self pity, I decide that I need a shower. Dad tries to stop me in the hallway to comfort me, but I put my hands up to ward him away, and get my towels. He tells me he loves me, I tell him I know that, and shut the bathroom door.
Did I mention that my cough has been getting worse this whole time?
So, I'm dressed, my hair is blowdried, and I decide that the person who decided that women should shave their legs should die painfully, if they haven't died already. And I get on the computer.
Around 9:00am, mom gets back with McKinley, and they do whatever it is that they do all day. Mom needs to use the bathroom, could I keep an eye on McKinley? Sure. I make cocoa while he does something in the family room. Mom gets out of the bathroom while I'm still in the early stages of cocoa making and she takes McKinley outside to blow bubbles on the deck.
Later, she's going to Walmart. Would I like to come along, jsut to get out of the house? And here's the thing...
I do it. Just to get out of the house, I go to Walmart with my mom and nephew. Has it really gotten that bad?
On the way out to the car, my door is locked, so I lean across mom's seat (she's getting McKinley buckled securly in the back) and my shin gets a nice little bruise from the door frame. I want to swear, but just make an angry, pained noise instead. I pass the window AC unit, which Rudy is sleeping on. I pet him, because he's still just so friggin cute, and as I go to my door, I listen to the birds, and feel wrong somehow. Then I see the dead bird lying on the ground. Ah. That's it then. As I get into the car, I tell mom, in a distressed voice, that we need to burry it when we get home. She agrees and starts the car.
When we get back, I return to the idling computer until around 1:00pm, when I decide that I don't want to stay awake any more. I wait around for mom to wake up from her nap, and tell her the computer is on if anyone wants it, but I get back up in a few minutes to turn it off because I hear thunder as I'm trying to sleep, which I do eventually. And that brings us to the dreams.

Traveling a long way. A book store. Making out with someone who's just a friend in real life, but I've never met in person, and there have sometimes (I've thought I felt) been undercurrents between us, so it makes sense in my sub-concious. It was incredibly real, and that sort of scares me.
A castle, which is mine or something, and I've inherited it. For some reason, I'm British. Ian McKellin is there, a butler or something, and a rather sinister character, but he might turn out to be the good guy. All I know is he's leaving the castle that day, and when I go to tell him goodbye, he's sitting Indian-style two inches above the ground, meditating. He examines my rings for some reason (which I'm not wearing in real life, I haven't been wearing them lately, but have worn them for so long that I sometimes feel their weight on my fingers). I go outside for some exercise, and apparently, I'm in Scotland, because I'm going to the moors to do it. But this is a post-apocalyptic Scotland, because there is no large, endless expanse of green. There are large brown brambles and dead, yellow tangles of grass that is more like wheat because it hasn't been cut.
There are swings, large, oddly shaped ones, and I go with the girl who has been with me since I arrived, she's an old friend or something, and we swing. Debbie appears with Dianna Childers (Laurel's little sister), and Debbie wants me to sit on the swing with Dianna.
The seats of the swings are strange. It's like half of a sea-saw, a padded seat with a dark red vinyl cover that matches Dianna's dress, which is something out of a movie about England in the 1800's (except her hair is a mix between 1800's and a modern runway). She has tight, dark blue jeans underneath it, and white sneakers.
Debbie puts Dianna down in front of me on the swing, and I'm trying to scoot myself backwards on the seat so there'll be room, and I wake up. I've been asleep for twelve hours. I remember waking up once with a horrible coughing fit that seemed to last forever.
So that brings us to 1:00am. I got up, got some salmon casserole, which I made for dinner night before last, got a vanilla coke, and started the computer and put The Dream that Stuff was Made of on repeat.
I checked my email, and my DA page, added a bunch of things to my favorites (you should check them out...they're all so spiffy, and way better than anything I could do) and then logged onto AIM. I've been talking with Will and Kent, joking around and stuff, and trying to get the dream out of my mind, but I had to write it out, I guess.
I can still feel his lips, his tongue. I can't taste it anymore, I don't remember tasting it in the dream, either, but it's fading (slowly). I can vividly remember my tongue sliding into his mouth and grazing his teeth as it went back out, sucking on his lower lip as I pulled away. I can also remember, horror of horrors, my mother walking by, and saying, "I guess that settles it, then." (and I hear her voice in my head, "I thought you were just friends,") I was suddenly sitting the wrong way on a park bench, leaning over the back to reach him. Arms around each other. Tentative kisses until mom is gone. She just walks on past. It's a strange room, almost like a railway station.
I don't understand it. I'm not attracted to him when I wake up. We really are just friends. Yes, there have been moments of connection, but that happens with everyone. You connect, you give them advice about something difficult, they give you advice, you comfort each other, and you connect. But there's nothing else.
Why are these things so vivid? I don't know. Maybe because I'm tired and lonely in this house all the time. My only outside contact, Hchan, is only able to hang out when her mom says it's okay for her to drive, so I don't see her enough. Will I be able to pay attention in the GED classes if I take them with her? I hope so. They had to seperate us at SAIL. Let's hope they don't have to do it again, because we both really need to get this right.

How do I end this post? It's been a strange one, I think. It's been a long one, too. So I won't say anything.

Why do I suddenly want to hang my head in shame?

-Kchan <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 02:53 a.m.

I had a bad day yesterday. And I can honestly say yesterday, and mean the time before I went to bed, which was 1:00pm. I'd been up since around 5:30pm the previous evening. I've been doing that for the past several days. It's very annoying.

Around 10:00pm, three of Debbie's friends, who she's only met once or twice, came over to watch a movie. They were all largish guys, and all...dorks, honestly. Anyway, her long-time friend Kim was there too. So, I was sitting in mom's rocking chair, eating mountain casserole or something, and one of them sat down in the Corduroy, which I was resting my foot on. He sank in to it, of course, just like everyone does when they sit in that thing.
"Woah, I didn't know this thing was so squishy." he says to me. I nod, and as he turns away he notices that my foot is there, because I move it out of his way (it was on the side, but he had his arms propped on it, too). He touches my foot, caresses it, really, and says something like, "Oh I didn't know you had your foot here, you don't have to move it." But I do anyway, because he just caressed it. He gets up and sits on the floor to join the game of Uno going on, and I put my foot back in its former place.
I was really wierded out by that. I mean, since when are feet secual? And it wasn't a come on, either, so why did it feel like it was?

Debbie's friends leave, and I watch Bowling For Columbine. I decide that 1. I need the soundtrack, 2. that I should consider moving to Canada (but only if I have a job lined up), 3. Americans are insane, and 4. that I need to be cheered up by something stupid and popular.
I watch About A Boy, and decide that 1. it wasn't what I expected, 2. I need that soundtrack as well, because Badly Drawn Boy does some of the music, and the rest of the soundtrack is pretty good too, 3. that I need to do the dishes.
So I do them. Mom gets up, while I'm putting them away because it's nearly 7:00am by then. I do the dishes, take the recycling to the bin on the porch, and then give Rudy food and water. While I'm taking care of Rudy, my cd player starts to freak out and I have to take it of. While I'm coming back into the house, I have to physically persuade Timmy that he doesn't need to go outside just then, and while I do that, I crush the fingers of my right hand in the door.
Crying and furious, I tear off the apron I as wearing to keep soapy dish water from slpashing on my clothes as I go to my room to get the crying overwith. After a few minutes of self pity, I decide that I need a shower. Dad tries to stop me in the hallway to comfort me, but I put my hands up to ward him away, and get my towels. He tells me he loves me, I tell him I know that, and shut the bathroom door.
Did I mention that my cough has been getting worse this whole time?
So, I'm dressed, my hair is blowdried, and I decide that the person who decided that women should shave their legs should die painfully, if they haven't died already. And I get on the computer.
Around 9:00am, mom gets back with McKinley, and they do whatever it is that they do all day. Mom needs to use the bathroom, could I keep an eye on McKinley? Sure. I make cocoa while he does something in the family room. Mom gets out of the bathroom while I'm still in the early stages of cocoa making and she takes McKinley outside to blow bubbles on the deck.
Later, she's going to Walmart. Would I like to come along, jsut to get out of the house? And here's the thing...
I do it. Just to get out of the house, I go to Walmart with my mom and nephew. Has it really gotten that bad?
On the way out to the car, my door is locked, so I lean across mom's seat (she's getting McKinley buckled securly in the back) and my shin gets a nice little bruise from the door frame. I want to swear, but just make an angry, pained noise instead. I pass the window AC unit, which Rudy is sleeping on. I pet him, because he's still just so friggin cute, and as I go to my door, I listen to the birds, and feel wrong somehow. Then I see the dead bird lying on the ground. Ah. That's it then. As I get into the car, I tell mom, in a distressed voice, that we need to burry it when we get home. She agrees and starts the car.
When we get back, I return to the idling computer until around 1:00pm, when I decide that I don't want to stay awake any more. I wait around for mom to wake up from her nap, and tell her the computer is on if anyone wants it, but I get back up in a few minutes to turn it off because I hear thunder as I'm trying to sleep, which I do eventually. And that brings us to the dreams.

Traveling a long way. A book store. Making out with someone who's just a friend in real life, but I've never met in person, and there have sometimes (I've thought I felt) been undercurrents between us, so it makes sense in my sub-concious. It was incredibly real, and that sort of scares me.
A castle, which is mine or something, and I've inherited it. For some reason, I'm British. Ian McKellin is there, a butler or something, and a rather sinister character, but he might turn out to be the good guy. All I know is he's leaving the castle that day, and when I go to tell him goodbye, he's sitting Indian-style two inches above the ground, meditating. He examines my rings for some reason (which I'm not wearing in real life, I haven't been wearing them lately, but have worn them for so long that I sometimes feel their weight on my fingers). I go outside for some exercise, and apparently, I'm in Scotland, because I'm going to the moors to do it. But this is a post-apocalyptic Scotland, because there is no large, endless expanse of green. There are large brown brambles and dead, yellow tangles of grass that is more like wheat because it hasn't been cut.
There are swings, large, oddly shaped ones, and I go with the girl who has been with me since I arrived, she's an old friend or something, and we swing. Debbie appears with Dianna Childers (Laurel's little sister), and Debbie wants me to sit on the swing with Dianna.
The seats of the swings are strange. It's like half of a sea-saw, a padded seat with a dark red vinyl cover that matches Dianna's dress, which is something out of a movie about England in the 1800's (except her hair is a mix between 1800's and a modern runway). She has tight, dark blue jeans underneath it, and white sneakers.
Debbie puts Dianna down in front of me on the swing, and I'm trying to scoot myself backwards on the seat so there'll be room, and I wake up. I've been asleep for twelve hours. I remember waking up once with a horrible coughing fit that seemed to last forever.
So that brings us to 1:00am. I got up, got some salmon casserole, which I made for dinner night before last, got a vanilla coke, and started the computer and put The Dream that Stuff was Made of on repeat.
I checked my email, and my DA page, added a bunch of things to my favorites (you should check them out...they're all so spiffy, and way better than anything I could do) and then logged onto AIM. I've been talking with Will and Kent, joking around and stuff, and trying to get the dream out of my mind, but I had to write it out, I guess.
I can still feel his lips, his tongue. I can't taste it anymore, I don't remember tasting it in the dream, either, but it's fading (slowly). I can vividly remember my tongue sliding into his mouth and grazing his teeth as it went back out, sucking on his lower lip as I pulled away. I can also remember, horror of horrors, my mother walking by, and saying, "I guess that settles it, then." (and I hear her voice in my head, "I thought you were just friends,") I was suddenly sitting the wrong way on a park bench, leaning over the back to reach him. Arms around each other. Tentative kisses until mom is gone. She just walks on past. It's a strange room, almost like a railway station.
I don't understand it. I'm not attracted to him when I wake up. We really are just friends. Yes, there have been moments of connection, but that happens with everyone. You connect, you give them advice about something difficult, they give you advice, you comfort each other, and you connect. But there's nothing else.
Why are these things so vivid? I don't know. Maybe because I'm tired and lonely in this house all the time. My only outside contact, Hchan, is only able to hang out when her mom says it's okay for her to drive, so I don't see her enough. Will I be able to pay attention in the GED classes if I take them with her? I hope so. They had to seperate us at SAIL. Let's hope they don't have to do it again, because we both really need to get this right.

How do I end this post? It's been a strange one, I think. It's been a long one, too. So I won't say anything.

-Kchan <((_))>

sanity was maintained @ 01:32 a.m.

I've decided that David Bazan is a genius. Just listen to any Pedro the Lion song, and you will know I speak the truth.

I've been writing much and posting little. I'm still working on the latest post for Batalha, but it's coming along. I started working on my Gabriel story again (ask Hchan about it if you're curious..she's the only one who's seen it), as well as a fantasy story that I've been working on for a while--not as long as the Gabriel story, though--and yet another story that I haven't shown to anyone or even named. But it's all coming together. I just...haven't been very coordinated lately.

I was up until around six on Monday morning, and then I slept all day. I've not been to sleep yet, and it's nearly seven thirty....

I don't mind doing the dishes anymore, so long as no one TELLS me to do them. I've noticed that I do better with chores if no one orders me to do them. And, I don't mind doing them as much anymore so long as all of the pans have been soaked properly. I thought my arm was going to fall off last night, when I was scrubbing that massive, crusty pot that didn't get any water put into it after it had been used to make mountain casserole. Cheese has a tendency to harden after it cools off and sits in a pot on the counter for a day. Is it really so hard to fill the stupid pot with water so the cheese doesn't stick to it?
But it doesn't matter. It's just a pot. And I only have to do the dishes for a week, and then I don't have to bother with them for another two.

I added some links, as I'm sure you noticed. I also added a section for the DA pages that my friends have, since a few more people have them now than before.

Why am I getting the feeling that it isn't just the crusty pot that doesn't matter? Why am I feeling like NONE of this matters? The stories, the pages, the links, the blog, nothing. Not even the music or the art.

Nothing.

But then, I'm not exactly an emotionally stable person, so I know that things matter. I KNOW that they matter. But I can't stop feeling that they don't, somehow. Maybe they matter, but there are things that are more important? Yes, that sounds right.

I miss Kristen. I always do, when I listen to PTL.

I miss everyone.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 07:20 a.m.

I'm going to make a shirt.....and it will have the words, "Please pass the Kou." on it. And anyone who doesn't understand it can hump a weasel.

The end.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 08:34 p.m.

Overall, I'd say I had a good time with Hchan.
Hchan got me addicted to Xenogears while I was at her house. Then, she came over to my house...and it got worse. And then she went home and I'm in withdrawl, even though I suck at video games.
I finally saw Donny Darko, and Hchan and I both need the soundtrack. We NEED it. We also watched Gladiator, which was over-rated. Her PS kept messing up when we tried to watch Terminator II, and it screwed up on my DVD player when we tried to watch it at my house, so I hope Hchan kicks the Movie Gallery people in the head.
I wasn't ready for Hchan to go, but I was ready to be serious again, and it's nearly impossible to be serious with her around because she's just so hilarious.
See, it's a bit like hanging out with Harrison. He's ridiculously funny, and he's also smart, so you can have these awesome talks with him about anything. Joel is like that, but he won't admit it. ::cuddle of Joel and Harrison::

I'm hungry. We're having Mountain Casserole for dinner, and Debbie bought a cake..and there's baby peas and green beans....so....I'll eat well tonight. Mostly because Laurel's here for a visit with her uhm..person Trevor. I miss her because she used to be my best friend, but I feel weird around her because it's like...she outgrew me or something. But she was just as immature with Debbie as she was with me, if not more. I don't understand it, but dinner is ready, so that's it for now.

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 06:01 p.m.

YAY!!!! I'm back, and it feels so good to sleep in my own bed and walk on my floor in my bare feet, and use my own bathroom without having to wonder who used it before me and how often it was cleaned. I caught a bug of some kind from Debbie, but that's okay. It'll be gone in a week or so, I think, because that's about how long it's taking her to get over it.
I had a hard time without having a computer to write things on. I didn't realize how dependand I was on computers and music. I thought I would explode a few times, because I couldn't listen to what I wanted to. I had to pick things that would be okay for my mom and Aunt Sue to listen to, or my granparents, because they were in the van with us at times too, when we were in New Mexico. I definately could have done without seeing Patricia (my grandpa's second wife) because she was as horrible as ever, but she's good for grandpa, and he's good for her. So we'll just hope that she dies of a heart attack, or of being so fat before he does. Because if he dies before her, no one will want to be with her longer than politeness and pity will allow. We'd all tolerate her out of respect for grandpa, and she knows that. It's really sad, but it's true. None of us really likes her. Aunt Sue said something like, "I love her and hate her at the same time, you know? Well, no, I don't hate her, I just dislike her..."
Patricia can be wonderful and funny. But she gets offended over the dumbest things, and she pouts forever. Debbie told her that she and I were staying in a hotel instead of sharing the RV with mom and Sue. Grandma Pat pouted and wouldn't talk to Debbie unless she had to the entire time we were there. She didn't get upset with me about it that I know of, because I gave her a necklace that I'd made the night before we left, so...yeah. It doesn't matter. She'll get over it. It's just sad that none of us really love her, and that she knows it.
I got cool things, and saw weird stuff, and in general had a good time despite being tired a lot. It's so hard to catch your breath at such a high altitude. I would go up a flight of steps and have to wait until I cold breath again and my heart wasn't pounding. It's crazy, how thin the air is, and still people live there. You get used to it after a while, but we weren't there long enough for our bodies to adjust. And then, poor Debbie, she was sick through a lot of the trip and had a hard time breathing at night. We were up in the Rockies on day, and she was walking down this one part of the mountain, and I ran after her. The whole time we were there, taking pictures and stuff, until we got back to the car, I was breathing a good bit harder than I would have liked. There's so little oxygen up there, and then some people stop and light up their cigarettes. I was expecting Aunt Sue to pass out half the time. It's a good thing she didn't come to the top of Pike's Peak with us on the Cog Railroad. I would have been so worried! O_O But then, she's used to it because she's lived there for so long. But still e.e
I saw a bowling alley/casino in New Mexico, and on both sides of their sign, they had the dirtiest advertisement. It said, "COME TRY OUR HOT NEW SLOTS!" and I couldn't help giggling when I saw it. There was also a place in Colorado called, "Freaky's" that had lots of interesting things, like skateboards, tobacco, an oxygen bar, weapons, and gifts. I also went to the Denver Zoo, and saw lots of animals that I like.
There are a lot of stores and things like that in Taos. It's very touristy, and most of the time it's over-priced, but there isn't really anything I can do about that.
We went to a bookstore called Moby Dickens and got some cool books. We went to the Georgia O'Keefe Museum and saw some beautiful paintings by her, and some awesome photos taken by her husband, Alfred Stieglitz, and then we bought some cool stuff (we bought things almost everywhere we went, so I have very little money left).

I think that if anyone REALLY wants to know about my trip, they can ask me. I need to post in Batalha, and then try and finish a library book, because they're due soon.
Anyway, I had a good time, and I'll try and post tomorrow about whatever it is that Hchan and I are gonna do tomorrow after my chiropratic appointment (I'm also getting a much needed massage). Let's just hope that my nose doesn't drip all over the table, ne?

-Kchan of the Drippy Nose <((_s)>

sanity was maintained @ 06:14 p.m.

Yeah, I'm leaving in about six hours or so, for Colorado. I finally made Grandma Pat's necklace, and I think I have everything packed up...

I got a new cd, when I went out with Kristen. It is ::dramatic pause:: Control, by Pedro The Lion. ::head explodes with joy::
I also got a tape by Men Without Hats, and it has the extended version of The Safety Dance!!! XDDDDD
Kristen got a cd by Grandaddy...which is one of the best bands in the world ::firm nod::
On the way out of the mall, Kristen and I saw Julie!! =DDDD We exchanged email addresses and I gave her the address for my blog, so maybe she'll stop by x3 I need to email her and ask her for her Live Journal, so I can link her n__n

When I got home I did some chores...and...then read a little...and then made Grandma Pat's necklace...and then wrote in Batalha, so if you read it, there's a new entry. And now I'm blogging, because I don't think I'll be able to while we're on the trip unless Grandpa and Grandma Pat have a computer with them in the RV...and..let me use it e_e

Oh well.

I'll be back in nine days, so I'll see you all then. Especially Joel, because I want to hang out with him a bunch before he goes.

Much love to all of you.

-Kchan <((_-)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:27 a.m.

Hey. Just letting you all know I'm still alive before mom, Debbie, and I all fly out to Colorado. We're spending a couple of days there with my Aunt Sue and her husband Rick, and then we're driving to New Mexico. I'm not sure how I feel about the drive with my mom and Debbie...but it's still a roadtrip, you know? <((.e)>

I did this..poem..thing a little while ago, 'bout half an hour ago. And I posted it on my DA page. I like it. It's a bit depressing....but then, hospitals are no fun. I don't feel like telling it all in detail. The poem is enough for now...though I put it under "Prose"...::shrug:: I don't think there's TOO much difference between the two. Just the style, really. You know, the way it's written, the way the words are put together.....and.......stuff. Prose is poetry, but written the way you actually talk. I don't really talk much like the poem, but I can get that way sometimes. Mostly in my head, though. I think everyone can. I think the reason I wrote it is because the evening kind of bothered me, and I was reading another book by Anthony Burgess, Abba Abba. It's a fictional story about John Keats meeting this little-known Italian poet, Belli. It made me want to write it all out.

I've been getting stuck in Batalha every other post. But now I'm stuck two posts in a row. I've gotten unstuck every time, though, so I'm not too worried about it.

I really like this cd I got at CD Warehouse with Hchan. It's very good. It's odd, though, because the band will remind me briefly of another band...sometimes it makes me think of what would happen if you combined They Might Be Giants with Soul Coughing. Then there'll be this part that makes me think of Tori Amos, or of Spin Doctors. But mostly, it makes me think of Soul Coughing and They Might Be Giants, probably because a lot of times, the singer's voice is similar to TMBG's singer, and the overall music style is a lot like Soul Coughing at parts. But at the same time, I've never heard anything that's like them....if that makes any sense at all. ::eyeshift::

That's about it for now. You should all check out mine and Hchan's and Kristen's DA pages if you haven't already. And Kristen is more than welcome to use my scanner if she wants to, so she can post more of her artwork. You don't have to be at your home computer to do it (Hchan posts stuff from my house, now that her comp is dead).
Speaking of Kristen, I need to call her...at a decen time of day...

-Kchan the Insomniac <((_z)>

sanity was maintained @ 04:08 a.m.

I'm trying not to get cocky about these pictures I've drawn on the computer. It isn't too hard, though, considering all of the times I've had to start over, so that's okay I guess. I still can't decide what color to make the wings, though...but I've pretty much settled on a background. As for the other picture... <((_x)> I have no idea what to put as the background, or if I can even make one for it. Also, there's this ONE feature of it that I have no idea how to do...but it's a present for Lina, so I can't tell you what the problem is. Stupid MS Paint. Stupid Windows XP. If we hadn't upgraded, we'd still have Photoshop and I could do it, but NOOOOO, Dad HAD to upgrade to something that, to me, is almost exactly the same as it was before. Only now I've lost half of my pictures and I can't draw new ones unless I want to do it without a decent art program. I can't wait to get my own computer.

It's been storming a lot lately. Not just outside. I feel really unstable without an anti-depressant. I mean, it's nice not to have one, but I think I'm just too screwed up to be without one. I'm having a really hard time keeping my feelings in line. I keep getting angry at people over stupid things, and I have to remind myself that it's over something stupid. Then I have to force myself to be nice and apologize for being so cross.
I've also been spending a lot more time on the computer. I'm not sure if it's so I won't have the chance to get mad at anyone and say something really horrible, or just to get away from everything. Or maybe I'm getting a bit obsessive over finishing these pictures because I'm not getting anywhere with Batalha. I'll write something that's pretty good, but it won't be good enough. It'll need tweaking. So I tweak and rearrange things, and then I have an entirely different post than whatever I started with. Needless to say, I'm frustrated with Batalha right now. But I'm going to work on it in a little while anyway.

I have to do the dishes tonight, and I really don't want to. I know that I could just..not do them tonight or tomorrow or Sunday. And then it would be Monday, and it's some one else's week to do them, but that's just...evil. But I really hate doing them. I gave up getting paid to empty the dishwasher because I HATE having to empty the dishwasher. But now, every three weeks, I have to load it, wash whatever didn't fit in it, and then put everything away.

I'm hungry. But there's not really anything that I want. Not in the house, anyway. I hate when that happens. Of course, I've been hating a lot of things lately. I've been angry every single time that I've had to watch McKinley. Of course, I'm usually in the middle of something or asleep when mom finds me and asks me to do it. And he's been a jerk lately. But he's my nephew and I love him. I shouldn't feel like this about things I used to enjoy doing (except the dishes...I've always hated doing the dishes). I want to curl up and sleep, but I have things to do...and most of them are dishes. <((_e)>

I'm gonna try to get something done with Batalha now. xf

-Kchan

sanity was maintained @ 08:35 p.m.

Timmy scratched me this morning on the exact same foot in nearly the exact same place as he did before. I didn't know how badly he'd scratched me until I noticed that there was blood on my sheets. He also got me from my ankle to mid-calf, and I hadn't done anything to him either time. The top of my foot is still pink in the places that he scratched me before. Sometimes, I really hate him.

Blah. I had the wires on my braces cut off in the back where they were poking into my cheeks and gums. When the girl who did it cut the one on the top left side, she curled what was left of the wire inward so it wouldn't stab me anymore, and it hurt a lot. I made this surprised, hurt noise and then tried really hard not to cry. I did anyway, but just a little. Debbie gave me some tylonol and bought me a drink at a gas station. When we got home after picking out sheets and I was still hurting, mom (being the awesome person that she is) made me some chocolate milk and gave me two more tylonol and three ibuprofen...so...I just might be able to eat dinner after all tonight. And seeing as how the last time I ate was around seven or eight in the morning, that will be quite nice, thank you.

I'm learning to do my own laundry (finally) and there are a box and a laundry basket gone from the pile of stuff that got shifted around in my room, and the table in there is a lot emptier now. I'd really like to say that I feel more responsible now, but what happened with Matt is really making me feel like a terrible person. I mean, for all I know he didn't read much into it, but he might have, and I feel...not slutty, but...I feel like I used him or something. I was really curious though. It was bugging me to know what it was like to kiss someone with a lip piercing (I've been really tactilly oriented lately, and I don't know why). But that doesn't excuse what I did, and I can't seem to stop beating myself up about it. But then, maybe I need to take myself down a few notches, you know? Humble myself or something. I've been easily offended lately, and a bit huffy at times. I was really snappish with my mom this afternoon (she woke me up from my nap earlier than I'd asked and I was really tired), and if you know anything about the way my mom and I interact, you know that this is not a normal occurance.

I'm tired of caring about what people think of me. I've noticed that I've been a bit more open with my posts. For instance, when I first started with my blog, I never would have said anything about what happened with Matt. It's very likely that I would have typed it out, or scribbled it in my poorly kept journal, but I wouldn't have put it here. I'm not sure I want to have it there, because I still worry about people I respect and care about reading it and thinking less of me, but I'm tired of trying to be nice all the time. I can be so spiteful sometimes. Let's say that some one mentions the name Dan or Daniel, I can feel all of the pleasantness drain out of my face and my muscles tense up. I instantly wonder if they are talking about Daniel Mennitt, and I have a difficult time keeping the contempt from my voice and face. It's so frustrating, because I'll have times when I couldn't care less about him, or I'm totally okay with it...but then there are times when I absolutely hate him. ::inarticulate noise::

I got really soft sheets. They're a grayish color, and really nice...kind of like T-shirt fabric, but silkier. I probably won't be able to use the top sheet until it gets colder, but I don't usually use one anyway, so that's alright.

Okay, I just ate dinner, and I had to cut up my hamburger with a knife because it hurt so much when I bit into it (even with all of the painkillers I've had) that I cried. Then, because any kind of bread likes to get stuck in my braces, I brushed my teeth when I was done, and wanted to scream and break something because it hurt to do that as well. It really pisses me off that no one told me just how much having braces would hurt. It's a bit like being lied to, you know?

Well, my family wants to do something together and I, of course, must join them or it wouldn't be together...so yeah.

-Kchan, who is too upset and disappointed to think of a face

sanity was maintained @ 06:27 p.m.

YES Kristen...I just quoted Rush XDDDDD

Joel's party was pretty fun. I'm glad that he liked my present, and that I was able to get the label glued on XD
I saw Joel, which makes me happy because I've missed him. And I saw Blayne, which makes me happy, because I've missed him too. I'm gonna link his site, even though he said there's not much there right now.
We watched the worst Japanese movie I have ever seen. It's called VERSUS, and it is crap. And I loved it.

You know, I really hate myself right now. Let me tell you why...
While I was at Joel's, something interesting happened. I noticed that Matt (Alford) had a lip piercing, and I asked him if it wasn't weird when he kissed people. He told me that they seemed to like it, actually, and I got increasingly curious as the night progressed. So, I did something really stupid a few minutes before he left. I half-pounced on him in Joel's darkened hallway and said, "Come here, I want to see something..." and kissed him. To which he said, "That was unexpected," It was fun. But I shouldn't have done it.
See, for a long time, there's almost been something between us, but it never gets farther than cuddling on the couch during a movie, or hugging, or one of us calling the other just to talk. I have feelings for him, but they aren't that deep. I can't get past the fact that he's a total stoner. Other than that, he's a wonderful person. I went to prom with him. But I just...can't get past it. I've done it, but I realized how stupid and pointless it is, and there's no way I'd expect him to change for me if we did go out. You shouldn't have to change for someone. You should love them enough to be willing to, I think, but they should love you enough to want you the way you are. So, I guess this is one of the demons inside of me. I let my curiosity and repressed sexuality get the better of me, and now my head aches and my stomach is churning with the ideas that I might have given him. I feel like I should call him and explain, but I feel like such a total bitch that I don't think I'd be able to face him.
I'd really like to excuse myself by saying how long it's been since I've kissed anyone, that after a while it really does start to build up inside of you until you have a hard time keeping your head on straight. I'd like to say that I let my curiosity get the better of me. I CAN say that it really was bugging me, wanting to know what it was like, not just to kiss some one with a lip piercing, but to kiss Matt, because there's the fact that there has almost been something between us. We almost had something, but we liked each other at different times.
But I can't be with some one who gets high all of the time. I don't support it. I think that it's wrong. Maybe it's wrong of me to dismiss him because of that, but when I try to picture something happening between us, I can't visualize it. And knowing the vast abilities of my imagination the way that I do...I know that I shouldn't have done what I did. But I can't take it back. So I'll have to find his number eventually...because I think he deserves an explaination, however poor it may be.
I really, really hate myself right now.

-Kchan <(())>

sanity was maintained @ 07:26 a.m.

I didn't realize until I read her blog just now that Kristen is leaving so soon. I mean, I knew she was going, but...two weeks? It's insane. It's wonderful for her, and I'm so happy that she's finally getting out of this crappy town. But I'm so sick of people leaving and changing and growing up and leaving me behind. I try to tell myself that I'm maturing, but then I hang out with Hchan and I become an idiot XDD
All joking aside, Kristen is one of the most wonderful people I know, and I don't want her to be so far away. It's hard enough that Joel and Harrison (if Harrison hadn't been there that day after my grandma died, I don't know what I would have done) are gone, that I never see any of my friends from school, and that I'm stuck in this house all the time...but at least she'll visit on the weekends sometimes. And at least Joel is in town, and I can talk to Harrison online.

I want to be in a band right now. Really badly. Because if I were in a band, I could practice. If I could practice, I could put all of my energy into it, and then I would finally have all of this crap off of my mind for a while.

I need to post in Batalha. But I can't get the next entry right. I don't want to make things too long, because I still can't find an HTML code for indentations, and it's REALLY starting to piss me off. I HATE using double spacing in the story EVERY time there's a new paragraph. It's awkward, takes up too much space, and makes the post look twice as long, and because I have the tendancy to write long segments, it makes me feel like it's too intimidating, or like it looks too long-winded.

I need sushi. And some miso soup. And maybe a boyfriend. But I don't think that will happen any time soon. I'm starting to doubt if it ever will. I'm tired of people telling me that I'm pretty and fun and smart, and then the one person that I want to hear it from not seeming to notice any of that. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and wondering what the hell my friends are thinking.

I have a new shirt on. The fabric is soft. I want some one to hug me and tell me how soft it is, and then let his arms linger around me a bit longer than is necessary.

I'm sick of worrying about the fact that my dad is being forced to retire next year, and that when he does, we'll lose our health insurance. I'm sick of wondering where we'll get the money to pay for all of the perscriptions that my parents and Debbie need. I'm tired of being the only one awake in the house at the one moment when I really need a hug.

Hm.

I need to pee.

-Kchan the Angered and Abrupt

sanity was maintained @ 01:38 p.m.

JOEL IS HERE!!!! 8DDDD

I have a DA (deviant art) page now! Check it out if you like, or don't. Either way is cool with me.

I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia again, and that always puts me in a good mood. I dunno what it is about them but I think they're great stories. I'd like to read The Hobbit again, but this girl borrowed our copy and hasn't given it back yet...

Joel brought Glen or Glenda? with him!!! XDDD

I asked Kristen to try and get Doom On You back from Stu, because..Joel wants it back. And if she gets it back to him, we'll get to watch it!! XDDDDDD

I've added mine and Hchan's DA pages to my links section!

I have a new band to listen to all the time! The Chameleons!!! 8DDDD

People have left positive comments about my art at DA!! 8DDD

I have a comfortable bed, even if it's a million feet off the ground XDDD

I've been getting to know Kent, and he's pretty fun to talk to. xD That's it for now.

-Kchan <((_~)>

sanity was maintained @ 11:45 p.m.

I feel so angry and unhappy. I want to cry and break things. I want to talk to some one, but there wasn't anyone online, so I logged off. I have to be up in four or five hours to take care of McKinley, and I can't sleep. I'm tired, but I just can't sleep. I hate it. I hate all of it; I hate all of this. I want all of this to go away. I want to fall asleep and just stay that way. It's not like I'm doing any good while I'm awake. I tried to help Matt feel better, and I think I might have done a little bit of good, but nothing ever works out and I just gave him false hope, so now I hate myself. Why the hell do you two have to be so far away from each other? Why does the Universe seem to think that no one I know should be happy? It seems to know that much of my happiness depends on the people I care about being happy. But that makes it sound as if I actually matter. It makes it seem like there's something important about me, and that's a load of shit. I'm just a girl in Florida who doesn't know how to drive and always picks the wrong guys. Then I obsess about things and try to sound like I'm saying something important. I want very much to say that nothing matters anymore. I want very much to curl up and die. But if I did that, where would my family put all of my stuff?

sanity was maintained @ 04:10 a.m.

My life is rated PG.
What is your life rated?

Well...if you say so....

I don't know what to say. A lot is going to happen today. I have to get up in seven hours to take care of McKinley, and I'm probably going to end up putting up the baby gate in the family room, making sure he can reach all of his toys and has a drink or a snack, and then passing out on the couch. If I even get to sleep, I won't sleep well because I always wake up when he makes the slightest noise that sounds like it might be angry or upset...but if I don't get enough sleep tomorrow, I won't want to cooperate when the time to clean comes. I'll be too cranky e_e

I made Joel's present. I'm happy with it, but I forgot something...I won't say what until he has it. I still have some glue to apply in various places, but it's basically finished...I'd keep it if I could, but I already decorated it, so yeah.

Uhg. I should go to bed. The cd is over anyway. e.e

My bed is sooooo high off of the ground. I's weird sleeping in it. Not to mention the fact that it feels huge. Timmy didn't even TRY to jump up on the bed. I put a little bench at the foot of it so he could. He hasn't followed me into the bathroom either. I'm glad about that because it means I can have some privacy, but I was really looking forward to laughing at him when he fell on his tail after trying to get up on the sink. =/

I really like Joel's present. I hope he likes it too. That's about it. ::shrug::

-Kchan <((_f)>

sanity was maintained @ 12:56 a.m.

Hchan came over on Wednesday and we watched the LAST episode of Broken Saints together. It was so awesome. But you don't ever find out what happens to Kamimura, so I'm going to email the creators and hope that they actually reply. If you email the Homestar Runner guys, they don't reply to your email, but that's probably due to the fact that they get so much junk form people who want to have Strong Bad do their email. Ah well. Maybe it means that there's going to bge more? 8DDD
I stayed at Hchan's from Wednesday to today (Saturday, in case you don't know for some reason...I know that *I* don't always know what day it is XD), and while we didn't do much, I had a good time. To me, it's just good to get out of the house and be with a friend. I don't have to do a whole lot, but I need to remember that it may not be as much fun for Hchan, because she's stuck in the house as much as I am, and seeing as how we were at HER house, I think it might have been a bit boring for her, especially since I need more sleep than she does, and slept longer than she did a couple times. I feel bad about it, but I just can't drag myself out of bed sometimes, so she had to do something on her own. I hope she didn't tiptoe around the house or anything. I'm not a light sleeper if I've been up late, and I know that on at least two nights we didn't get to bed until four.
We rented Phonebooth and Shanghai Knights....and both of them weren't that good. e.e I liked making fun of Phonebooth though. And Ling's outfits were really spiffy until the end when she had an English dress on xp. I liked the Chinese clothes better.
We also watched Minority Report. It was better than I thoght it would be. We watched Pocahantis and Balto too...and the polar bears from Balto are me and Hchan. I SWEAR. It made me want to draw wolves, though. Despite the fact that I can't >_<
We tried to watch the first Nija Turtles movie, but her VCR was being a jerk and wouldn't rewind it, and then when she ejected the tape, it tried to eat it. ::throws a stuttering granade at it XD::

My new bed is...so high off the ground. If I fall off in the night, I'll probably break my arm or something. I need a stool to get into bed. THAT'S how high it is. It comes up to the top of my hip bones. So yeah. No more jumping into bed for me. :F
The bathroom is finally finished. The new sink is ALSO ridiculously high, and it drawfs the toilet. I'm looking forward to seeing Tim try to jump up onto the sink or my bed. I like to laugh at him. It makes me feel like I'm getting back at him for all of his unprovoked attacks upon various parts of my person, including the time I was lying down and reading on the couch, and he came along and SAT on my HEAD. Then he started to bat at my EYES. Luckily he had his claws in, or I might be blind right now. Jerk.
Don't get me wrong. I love my cat. He just doesn't seem to care much about me unless he's out of food or water.

I probably have more to say...but I don't feel like saying it right now.

-Kchan <((_-)>

sanity was maintained @ 09:55 p.m.

Debbie was asked to speak at church, so she and mom worked on the subject they gave her (the gifts of the spirit), and then mom, dad, and I all went to see her. She did really well. And then...
He looked at me and smiled. The guy conducting the hymns smiled at me...and my heart melted. Debbie tells me his name is J.R., and that he's my age. He's a new member of the church, and he does C.G. work. He's also Debbie's visiting teacher, and he's going to teach her tomorrow. Debbie thinks I should go with her. She also has a math class tomorrow (she got into T.C.C.! =DDD) and that I'd have to go to that with her too, if I went to the institute with her.
There are a lot of references in this post to things that none of you will understand because you aren't Mormon. And I don't care. If you have a question, then you can ask me. I'm not in the mood to explain it all, because right now I'm basking in the glow of liking some one who might actually be attainable.

I'm going go help Debbie hang pictures in her room (she's moving back in) and sing along to Coldplay while I do it. Then I'm going to work some more on Batalha, and decide whether or not I really want to get myself into another fake relationship.

-Kchan <((_e)>

sanity was maintained @ 05:04 p.m.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

That was for five different people for several different reasons, even though one of them doesn't read my blog. I put italics on the parts that should really be payed attention to. That's all I can do for any of you right now. I want all of my friends to know how very much I love them, but I think there are a few who need to know a little more than others.

You should all go DL The Scientist, by Coldplay. Or you could buy the cd it came from, A Rush of Blood to the Head.

Did I tell you that I saw Planet of the Apes on the Fourth of July? I watched it with my mom. Charleton Heston is creepy, but he's a good actor. I was tempted to watch the other Planet of the Apes movies, but my mom said that the first one was the only decent one in the group, so we lit a bunch of sparklers and danced around the driveway. You all may THINK you know how adorable my mom is, but you really have no idea at all until you see her dancing around with sparklers like a little girl. I love her so much. My family will fall apart when she dies.

I want some one to sing Green Eyes to me, and mean it. Because I have green eyes, and I'm a hopeless romantic.

-Kchan <((_-)>

sanity was maintained @ 01:16 p.m.

Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl = the best movie in the world. Let me tell you ten reasons why:
1) Johnny Depp plays the most eccentric pirate you will ever see, and he sings a pirate song.
2) There are PIRATES in the movie.
3) The pirates are also ZOMBIES.
4) The zombie pirates are so stealthy, they're like NINJAS.
5) Johnny Depp + Orlando Bloom.
6) The British soldiers shout, "HUZZAH!!" repeatedly and with much enthusiasm.
7) Geoffrey Rush is AMAZING.
8) The pirates actually say, "YAAAAAARRRRRR!!!"
9) When they say, "YAAAAARRRR!!" they do it in a way that actually sounds like they mean it, instead of making you want to laugh because a pirate just said, "YAARRRRR!!"
10) There's an EVIL ZOMBIE MONKEY.
There you have it, folks. Now, the reasons don't necessarily go in that order. That was just the order in which I could remember them.

I had a great time. I got to serenade Trish (on my knees, even) by singing I Melt With You, by Modern English, which is one of my favorite songs. I got to see people that I really miss...
But now my heart hurts. Because...well...I'm not over him, and I want to kick myself in the head for being such. a. fucking. idiot.

On the bright side, I finally got a few cd's burned, so the next time I see Hchan, she can get hers back form me. Which reminds me, since I should have been seeing her on Saturday:
Kristen, if you didn't get my message on your cell phone, we're having a suprise party for my sister Petrea on Saturday, and I have no idea when my family will leave. Seeing as how this was already planned and I just plain forgot, what with all the excitement of the movie, we'll have to think of some other time to get together to watch movies and eat Chinese food. It's a good thing that crab rangoon freezes well, because I don't think I'm up to folding any more wontons.

I was utterly shocked today when McKinley wouldn't come to me, and even started to cry when I tried to pick him up. The thing that shocked me most was that it made ME want to cry, thinking that he refused my attention, which he's never done before. He's always really liked me (I won't say he loves me because he's only about 15 months old and he just doesn't understand that yet). If I weren't his aunt, I'd call his attentions flirtatious (yes, babies flirt), but today he was really cranky and unhappy, and just didn't want me. He wanted Grandma. That's okay with me, but it took me by surprise because he usually comes to the first person he knows that will reach their arms down to pick him up when he's crying.

Oh well.

-Kchan <(())>

sanity was maintained @ 07:09 p.m.

Kristen and I had a picnic today. We went to Tom Brown and ate under one of the pavillions, and that's a good thing because it started to rain a bit. It wasn't very heavy as we made our way back to her car, though, so we didn't get drenched or anything. After we dropped off some movies that Kristen had rented, we went back to my house and painted some of the glass cups I got Kristen for her birthday. I thought they'd be handy, since she's moving out soon. Then, we went for a walk around my neighborhood, and went all the way to the grave yard. We were going to go to the pits, but I was wearing flip-flops, and the hill leading into them is pretty steep. Also, it looked like they'd filled it full of a lot more garbage since I was there last, so we just walked around the grave yard and talked, and got eaten by mosquitos before coming back to my house and eating Swiss Miss fudgepops =9 and putting a few more coats of paint on the cups we did. I was going to put a coat of glaze on the two that Kristen did because they're done, but it's getting late (I've been going to bed pretty early, considering how late I used to stay up), and I'm getting sleepy. I did a lot more walking that I'm used to, and my back is kinda sore. Hopefully, my new bed will be here soon =3 It's a full-sized bed, so it'll take up more room, but that's okay. My only concern is that I'll be lonely in such a big bed. Well...more lonely that usual...<((_x)>

It's nice talking to you again. I haven't seen you around in a long time. I still sort of like you, so it hurts a little, but not too much. I got to talk to Harrison, too. That made me really happy, because I miss him, and it's always fun talking with him. You don't respond right away, and you apologize. You're working on something with clay, and I wonder why you're on the computer anyway, because you'd get clay on the keyboard...it's kind of cute, though. Damn. I liked not having feelings for anyone. Why'd you have to log on?
I like just chatting with you. You actually respond to me, even if the responses are delayed, and you didn't used to say anything at all when I talked to you before. You probably figured that I was over you, so maybe you feel less shy...I thought I was over you. But now I miss you, and I'm scared to be around you. I might feel something I thought wasn't there anymore, and that means my old friends Selfpity and Heartache will come and hang out with me for awhile again. But it's not like I can do anything if you come to a party that some one has for Joel when he visits, or for Kristen before she leaves. Besides, my old friends were inching closer to my door anyhow. I've been really lonely as of late, and they always come around to keep me company at times like this.

My dad is being quietly and politely forced to retire either next year or the year after. That is, if he doesn't get worse before then. He'd planned to work until he was sixty-five, but I guess sixty-two or -three is pretty good, too. I just hope that my mom will be able to get a job that pays enough for us to pay off the house. I saw "we" because I'm going to start paying rent as soon as I get a job. I don't know when that will be, because I have to get my GED first. I only have so much energy, and I have to take things much slower than I'd like to. Needless to say, I'm a bit scared