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Layout by: Hchan
Quote of the moment:
(for you, little star. . .)
Profile: Moniker- Kchan(o) Alias- Kyrstan Vintage- 1984 Height- 5'2"&1/2 Weight- ::shrug:: Hair- Brownish reddish goldish Eyes- Green irises with dark blue rims Skin- Fair Contact: Email- Tawk tuh meh! AIM- KchanZombie Current status: Feel- shivery/bouncy Love- the sun Hate- having to spell it out Want- mangos or plums Need- a lover, apparently Kick- shampoos not for my hair-type Lick- fruit juice Hear- Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand Reading- Geraldine Brooks - Year of Wonders Review- Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita was interesting if strange. It's the account of a man who loves (and I do mean loves) a twelve-year-old girl. It is well-written, and not pornographic as it was considered to be when it was first published.
(had to close my eyes)
Super-rad:
Alternate sites:
Other super-rad sites:
DA Pages! Woo!
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004 Me on Hchan's SN...
I FoolForLove l [10:17 PM]: *stealthhump* Vix Venack [10:18 PM]: ::Kou:: NOOOO!!!!!!!! Vix Venack [10:18 PM]: Kou> ::tears pants off and beats them with a stick:: LEAVE ME ALONE RICHARD. LEAVE ME ALOOOONNNNNNNNE!! Vix Venack [10:18 PM]: Fangirls> OMG PANTLESS KOUOMGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! Vix Venack [10:18 PM]: Kou>..................................fuck. I FoolForLove l [10:18 PM]: XD Vix Venack [10:19 PM]: Kou> ::runs for life:: I FoolForLove l [10:19 PM]: hehehehe Yep.
Vix Venack [11:55 PM]: ::gonna go soon:: And then Kenton xDD
Kismet Eclipsed [12:07 AM]: you lost your glass strap-on Yeah. AIM isn't so bad after all, I guess XDDD -Kchano <((_z)> sanity was maintained @ 10:40 p.m.
Monday, August 16, 2004 "And nothing matters now..."
Another poem up at my GJ. I'm so...inspired lately. XD For your amusement:
I FoolForLove l (9:50:06 PM): *stealthhump* And later:
I FoolForLove l (10:47:49 PM): *lick and run* Yeah. To anyone reading this: we really don't mean it XDDD -Kchano <((_~)> sanity was maintained @ 11:07 p.m.
Sunday, August 15, 2004 "Who loves the sun?"
New poem and pic at my GJ. I've got a fanart of Rylie in the works, but I'm stuck right now. Hands are hard @-x; You told me it had been talked to death, and I agreed with you. It's just that it still feels like I haven't talked it out at all, and I'm still at the beginning. My emotions have progressed through the "getting over it" stages, so from that stand-point, I'm getting better. It's just that the rest of me is lagging behind. New thoughts keep cropping up. At times like this, I'd dearly love to shut myself off until everything has melted away. The G.E.D. testing is coming up on Tuesday, and I'm stressed out. We've got terrible timing, buddy. Hmm. Chicken nuggets you say? And french fries? Well then! -Kchano <((_q)> sanity was maintained @ 04:11 p.m.
Thursday, August 12, 2004 Wtf.
Weird picture at my GJ. sanity was maintained @ 03:28 a.m.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 "I've never known // A man who loved me..."
There's a lump in my throat and my hands are shaking. How can I ever explain to you how lonely and insecure I feel all the time? How can I ever tell you how sorry all of this it makes me? How can I make you see that I didn't mean for it to happen? And how did I end up hating myself for letting my guard down while I'm asleep? What normal person is actually on guard when they're dreaming? I never get that from anyone. There's a number of reasons that I generally feel worthless, and that's one of them. So it was suddenly there, and I was in a state of being only partially conscious. In that state, how can I not give in just a tiny bit; when I thought at first it was part of the dream I was having because it just never happens in real life, so it has to be fake? It's hard to explain it, because it was pleasing, but there was something tugging at the back of my mind, something saying, "This isn't right. Something just isn't right about it." But it was too late by the time I realized what it was. I guess the point is this: It was an accident. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. And it didn't mean anything. It never means anything to anyone when it's with me. Once everyone understands that, I can go back to feeling sorry for myself in private, instead of having the urge to vent so publically. It pisses me off. I hate to have mean feelings like this, but I really do hope that you're feeling as shitty about it as I am, fucktard. sanity was maintained @ 11:47 p.m.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 THE FOOT CLAN!!! XDD
Ah, Kenton. I want your soul. >8DDD
Kismet Eclipsed (1:02:23 AM): I should talk to you and Hchan someday on the phone -Kchano <((_^)> sanity was maintained @ 01:06 a.m.
Monday, August 9, 2004 artistications
Yet more new stuff is up at my GJ. Notice that I'm making this as easy as possible for you, by linking it right here. You know, so you don't have to go to the OTHER place I linked it on this page, seeing as it's so much friggin trouble to scroll down. ::glare:: The list I made of the books I want to get at the library already has seven or eight books on it...and I know I've forgotten some. -Kchano <((_e)> sanity was maintained @ 10:03 p.m.
Sunday, August 8, 2004 "I don't want to be a stinky!"
J-Ville for a week. Wow. There was so much humpage/gropage going on, people...I can't even tell you. Pichoooooo. ::Homsar:: We made the best/worst movie ever, making fun of The Real World. I hated my character, but the alternate endings where she died were great. I fell down a lot when I played her...she was a narcoleptic Uber-Christian. I was glad that she died so many times XDD Crazy dramatic stuff went on, and I won't go into it because it doesn't matter.
Yesterday was a terrible day, though, until the very very end (which was around four in the morning). We all woke up to a loud BOOM, which turned out to be the electricity dying. Then, since the power was also gone in the well, there was no water. And the cat had crapped in my clothes during the night. ::glares at Claudia:: I was both sad and happy to leave. There just isn't any place in Linard and El Tiffo's home to be alone, unless you want to hang out in the bathroom for a while. The front steps were nice for alone time, but it was only cool enough on the last couple of days (it felt like October out there, and the wind was so very nice) so we were all kind of...cramped together. So it's really no wonder that we were all so pissy towards the end. I was rather mean to El Tiffo last night until they gave me some stuff for my rabid PMS'ing XDDD; All in all, I wish we'd been able to spend more time with just Lunalovie and The Rob. The whole reason I gave up on trying to get a ride home earler in the week was to spend time with them, and they ended up spending a lot of time with their families. But I can understand that, you know? Lunalovie is going to Iraq soon, and if I were in her place, I'd be spending huge amounts of my time with family. I love my friends and I would try to give the lots of time, but my family...well, they're family XD And most of my friends are scattered across the country, so...>_>; While I was gone, Debbie arrived from Yootard, dad had eye surgery, and Petrea had her birthday lunch...she liked the painting I hurriedly made for her, though. GJ!! Blagargyar!! Yep. Stuff up at my GJ. I revamped a bunch of my old poems that I hadn't shown anyone, and made them...not crappy, and worth showing to people. And I'm just now getting around to posting them. ::shifty:: Tim's already bitten me, and scratched me a little. I feel right at home now. It's good to be back. -Kchano <((_e)> sanity was maintained @ 10:15 p.m.
Saturday, July 31, 2004 "They call me the apologist..."
While catching up on Heather Hanus' LJ, I ran across a comment from Daniel. At first there was just surprised shock. Then there was curiosity. I read a few entries, and based on that he didn't seem like the person I remember. In fact, I'm trying to remember just what it was that made me think so little of him, and I can't remember anything more than the general outline. There doesn't seem to be all that much detail. I have little mental snapshots, maybe a few sentences here and there, but none of the things that made me really hate him are clear. It's strange that I only have vague inklings of it all. Sure, I remember the party at Joel's; how mad I was at him...but that seems so unimportant, and it was after the fact. Years since highschool, I don't feel the same way about a lot of things and this seems to be one of them. I thought of telling him that and trying to explain. I don't expect to start up some kind of friendship with him or something, but I feel like that much anger towards someone deserves at least an attempted explaination. I guess I just want him to know I'm sorry I thought so poorly of him, and that I must have been wrong somehow if I can't even clearly remember what triggered all of the negative emotions I harboured. I also don't expect him to think much of that. It would sound too much like a girl trying to make herself feel better for a temper-tantrum she'd thrown a few yeaers back. She said and thought some unkind things, and now she wants everyone to know that she's sorry, and being sorry always makes everything okay, which is...well, that's just crap. It doesn't make it okay, especially if she thinks that it will mean she's forgiven. That isn't what I mean it to be. I'm not known for being calm and sedate. When confronted with an emotional situation I probably over-react. I do remember that I seem to lose contact with the parts of my brain that handle rationality, and the act of thinking things through before I spit them out for everyone to hear. In this way, I've most likely made a fool of myself many times. Mayhap that's the reason I'm the kind of person that replays a situation later on and is only then able to think of a better response. It's frustrating. I'm not quite sure where this is supposed to be going. But I'd like to think that if I ever ran into him somewhere that I wouldn't panic, or suddenly be rendered awkward and tongue-tied, and that I'd be able to treat him with more kindness. Or at least detatched politeness. That's always something I'e had trouble with, and is something I should try to use more often. Now that I'm trying to think about it, I mostly remember being a young, inexperienced dork...which is basically what I am now. But I don't think I'm as bad as I was. I've lived a little more, so I know a little more. Still, I'm not sure what I'd say to him (if anything...there's always turning tail and running for my life). And I find myself hoping that I won't see him. The people I care most about from that time in my life I've tried to keep in contact with, even if I don't talk to them very often. And because I've stuck with them to some extent, they mean more to me. Geeze, where am I going with this? xDD; -Kchano <((-*)> sanity was maintained @ 11:02 a.m.
Thursday, July 29, 2004 RADIOON!!!! ::bellow::
OMGBATALHAISALIVEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!11onetwo sanity was maintained @ 02:15 p.m.
Thursday, July 29, 2004 ::sneeze::
Gnarrg. Some one should come hang out with me. I am teh bored. Maybe, if it isn't too hot, I will call Kim and see if she wants to paint tonight. Lately I've been thinking about exercise. And how I should get more of it. Once I get the GED out of the way, I want to get a job and move out...seeing as how I have a year to wait before I can pay for college anyway, I might as well get something accomplished. If I do, I'd like to be learning how to drive at the same time, and then I can move out and such-like =D Tiff called night before last to ask if Hchano and I wanted to come to J-Ville, since Luna will be there this weekend, but I don't think I'm up to it, and mom doesn't want me to go anyhow. The drive isn't too terribly long (seeing as how I'm not the one driving) or anything, but I just am too tired to be in a car for that long. That, and we'll be going next week in any case.
Man. All the sleep I got last night really took it out of me xD Seriously though, if you sleep too much, it leaves you nearly as tired as you were when you went to sleep, if not more. Dreaming must be exhausting to have this effect. In light of this, I think it is safe to say that sixteen hours is more than I can take. ::guilty look:: omg...David Bowie just sang, "well hung and snow white tan" in this song about Ziggy on Yookbiss (my new name for UKBS)...gross. XDD; ::gurgle:: I need to figure out what to make for Joel. -Kchano <((_x)> sanity was maintained @ 08:30 a.m.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 "I'm lost again..."
Mom and I went to Walmart, and I got some more new shirts, and then we went and got my I.D., and signed up for the G.E.D. today. Luckily, they still had a spot on the same day Hchan signed up for, so we can go together and that is a relief. Sleep eludes me once again. Last night I didn't sleep much, and so today after cleaning I went to bed at around five, and then Tiff called at about nine...and I probably won't go back to sleep now xD; I realized today that I cry and laugh with my whole body. I can't seem to keep from shaking when I do either one.
Why Not Smile - R. E. M. I think I will make that the song for today. -Kchano <((_z)> sanity was maintained @ 10:48 p.m.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 "A lot goes on // But nothin' ever happens..."
Seriously, people. I can't even get it in my dreams. ::makes a disgusted sound:: When it gets to the point where your subconscious won't even allow it, you know you need help. But there's nothing to say. I want to talk about it, but there is simply nothing else to it that I can think of or explain. Most of it would be speculation anyhow. There's no gaurantee that you know what's going on in your own head when you're digging that deep. It's just that, once there was progress, I woke up very promptly. Once anything gets too intense it simply gets shut off for me, and it's really starting to piss me off. People need to finish what they start, especially things like that. It isn't fair to stop in the middle, right when it's getting good. Sure, I understand the dangers and everything, but...come on. Not even in my sleep? How is that supposed to help my self-image? Something is always happening to ruin what little progress I've made...in more ways than one.
Hchan and I tried to get sign up to take the G.E.D. together yesterday, but my I.D. is expired, so that was out. When we tried to go get another I.D. for me, we discovered that the place is closed on Mondays. e.e A lot of the lyrics in this Fiona Apple cd feel like something that I would write. It's weird.
I want very much to draw more now, but I'm not sure if I should...my hand was really sore earlier, before I went to bed. Tim is sleeping on the foot of my bed. It made me happy when he came in to do that earlier, and even though he got up, he stayed in my room to sleep. It's a comfort to know he's there when I'm feeling this way. Makes me think he might actually like me a little ;3 Please leave me alone now. I've tortured myself enough, don't you think? Why can't I let it go? -Kchano<((_.)> sanity was maintained @ 04:44 a.m.
Friday, July 23, 2004 omfg xDDD
WTF. Seriously, guys. Wtf. xDDDD Man. There is so much stupid art out there XDDD -Kchano <((_~)> sanity was maintained @ 10:01 p.m.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 Ory and Cassie = A Space Oddity
I've finally gotten around to writing that letter from Cassie (Cassiopeia) to Ory (Orion), and once I get it all down and legible I'm sending it out to Joel :DD Well, that and his present 8D -Kchano <((_~)> sanity was maintained @ 05:20 p.m.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004 "I feel strange enough to cry..."
My first ever fanart of Kou is up on my GJ =x I realized that putting "copyright Kchano" does no good. Anyone could decide to call themselves Kchano (but they would be liars xO!), so I'll put "copyright K. Schrader" on my arts when I post them now...not that anyone cares. -Kchano <((__x)> sanity was maintained @ 07:36 a.m.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004 GNARR
'nother thing up on my GJ. Grr. Tim is still sick, but he wanted to play a little while ago (he brought me a bendy straw to throw for him <3), and that's always a good sign :3 -Kchano <((_z)> sanity was maintained @ 06:20 a.m.
Monday, July 19, 2004 "Soon you will be sliding // Down the razorblade of life..."
I had a big long rant here. It was really depressed-sounding and it was pissing me off that I can't seem to make myself happy anymore. I just noticed that the electricity flickers when the A/C in Hchano's house kicks on. I wonder if that happens in my house, too? Wild Horses is an excellent song. Whether you listen to the Rolling Stones' version, or the Sundays' cover, it is very easy on the ears. Don't you ever feel that aching need? Or is that the reason all of this happened in the first place? New poem up on my GJ. Read it or don't. I'm trying to stop caring. Caring only makes you hurt and I'm sick of hurting for no good reason. Silence is such a sharply felt sensation once you become aware of it. Unless you take the time to notice that sometimes it isn't just quiet; it's silent...you don't feel that cutting edge. There is peace, and there is silence. They don't seem to go hand-in-hand for me very much anymore. There I go again... sanity was maintained @ 04:24 a.m.
Thursday, July 15, 2004 "......And it was then she realized that the turnip was following her."
The Lurking Turnip! I think I like it more for the artist's comments and for how shifty the woman looks, along with that lizard peering out of her pocket than anything else xD I have nothing cool to say to you at this time. Sorry. -Kchano <((_e)> sanity was maintained @ 08:37 p.m.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004 2004: A Chat Odyssey
Mommade sugar coockies. I've been snacking on them all day. And joking about the shapes xD
KchanZombie (11:50:26 PM): I require sugar. -MIGHTY Kchano <((_*)> sanity was maintained @ 11:58 p.m.
Monday, July 12, 2004 Lunalovie has brainwashed me xDD
The muscles in my neck are really tight.
KchanZombie: Anyhow/ Yeah. Lemonade is good stuff :U Mom randomly got a coupon thing for Victoria's Secret...and gave it to me. Looks like I'm getting myself another sexy bra that no one but my female friends will see xD; J-D needs to not drink more than half the gallon pitcher of lemonade. It's a really crappy thing to do when there are three other people in the house who all like lemonade. I hope he moves out soon. Or that I move out soon. Or something. Of course, then he'd take all his books with him xDD ::glance to the big pile she snagged from him XD:: So yeah. New art and poem up at my GJ. More to come, but...I dunno if I should post the one I wrote today. It has... rather sensitive subject matter or something. Bleh. YES. BLEH. -Kchano<((_c)> sanity was maintained @ 09:21 p.m.
Monday, July 12, 2004 "I can't remember to forget you."
::le hump of Memento:: Well, Hchan and I went to J-Ville again. It was hot, but fun, and I hope we can see Linard and El Tiffo with Lunalovie and The Rob before Lunalovie goes to Iraq. I am making friends and teaching myself to smile again. It isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I've got things to say, but I also have things to do. -Kchano <((_x)> sanity was maintained @ 05:33 p.m.
Wednesday, July 7, 2004 "My life were better ended by their hate // Than death prorogued // Wanting of thy love..."
Adrian [KMKM] keeps quoting Romeo's lines at me. It's totally hot. Linar and El Tiffo are wanting to come for the weekend. I hope they can. I don't really have much to say...I have some plans for a skirt, based on one that Lina had. It was super-cute x3 ::cuddles teh Linar..andmakesmuchtoastXDD:: HA! Matt just hurt himself. I laugh at your misfortune, Mattimus! HA-HAA!! ::mumbles "misfortune...haha-haha...":: I am le tired. -Kchano <((_z)> sanity was maintained @ 11:34 p.m.
Tuesday, July 6, 2004 "I think you're lonely,"
Yeah, basically. We got back from J-Ville yesterday. On the ride home, we all started work on an RPG. Hchano and I are on art detail (I think I'm also sort of...writing the story, too), The Rob will program it, and Luna is gonna do script-type stuffs. It's based on Archaios, but Kei will be in it at some point. I wasn't quite ready for home yet, but I'm glad to be here. I think it was more that I wasn't ready to be alone again more than anything. Hchano and I had a talk of sorts on the way to my house...I tried to explain why I was feeling so weird, and I hope I got the point pretty much across...but something always gets lost in my train of thought when I'm talking, and it's just so much easier to write it all down. This is, however, something I'd rather not talk about here or anyplace else. That's odd, considering some of the things I'm willing to put here, but...no, not this.
I had a lot of fun in J-Ville, even though we didn't do a whole lot. You've got to understand: I never go anywhere, and when I do it usually isn't anything exciting. My throat is still a little clogged from that party. I wished that Kristen was with us, because there was no one to dance with. I wish it was this August that I'd have money, instead of next August. I want to see people. Even though you are in Oregon, Joel, you got cuddled a lot by Hchano and myself. Your taste in music is very helpful, even when you are absent. Harrison, Hchano and I think you are cuter than Toby McGwier...gwyer...gwuh..or however his name is spelled XD Spiderman 2 was fun, and Doc Oc is teh awesome. I want his doom arms for myself xD ::thinks of the Inigo moment and cackles::
I watched McKinley for a bit today...well, mostly we slept because I had him when he was about to go down for a nap, but whatever. It suprised me when he said something in perfectly understandable English. It always does.
Linar and Tiffo's cats are way nicer than Tim, and not as spazzy as Ana. ::glares at them:: Last night, my mom asked me if I wanted some toast or something (I said yes, of course XDD), and when she closed my door, I had to stifle a laugh. Oh man. Inside jokes are awesome. Uhg. I have to do stuff now. Or something. -Kchano <((_t)> sanity was maintained @ 05:25 p.m.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004 "I ride and I ride..."
Rudy is dead now. The vet put him to sleep. For a long time I couldn't cry about it. I think it's because we weren't there with him when they did it, so it's sort of like I can't accept it as the truth. He's been with us for so long, it seems like he can't possibly be gone. My head hurts. Luna couldn't get leave today, so she and The Rob will be coming on Friday, and they'll pick Hchano and I up at her house (Hchano is picking me up tomorrow, I think). I made them blueberry cobbler, thinking they'd be here today...but it'll keep until they get here =3 Matt called me and we talked for a while, mostly about roller coasters xD; It was nice talking to him. There's some art up on my GJ. You know, in case anyone's interested <((-e)> ::sigh::
We had the dog fixed this week, and because of this, he has to stay inside. The first night he was home, we had him tied to the doorknob of the back door because: So anyhow, I didn't sleep last night, and I got very little sleep the night before last, and now I'm very tired and feeling sick and depressed. And so I guess it's a good thing that Luna and Hchano aren't here, because I really don't feel like being a nice person right now. I had a hard time holding my temper with McKinley today, and while that's something I often have trouble with, it was definately worse today. Uhg. Okay, I've had a nice ramble. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. -Kchano <((_z)> sanity was maintained @ 11:43 p.m.
Monday, June 28, 2004 Kittens are heart breakers.
I'm in love with four of the kittens at the animal aid place. I have names for three of them. Really, though, two of them were vying for my attention, and I wanted to take them all home with me. Crap. I'm so pathetic. I don't blame you for not saying anything, but it still hurts when I put so much work into things, and think that I did really well...and then there's no reaction. Finding the inspiration and/or motivation to keep at it is quite difficult. When things are like this it almost makes me think of going back to DA, but I said I was leaving and that I wasn't going back. I like to follow through with my proclamations. We're not sure what Rudy's problem is, or if we'll have to have him put to sleep. Right now I feel too blank to care about anything much, except being depressed and sluggish. Is it wrong to just zone out when he's saying something? Probably...but if he'd just shut up and get to the point, it's very likely that I wouldn't, not even by accident.
Hchano and I watched The Order, which wasn't too fabulous, but not terrrible. We got it with the intention of making fun of it, but we were too blinded by the sexy men to remember that fact very often. We said, "drool" a lot though, if I remember correctly. Right now I feel like a really boring person. Luna is going to be here Wednesday, and some one had better remind me to give her watch to her. It's on my computer table thingy...yeah. And Hchano and I will be spending July 4th with her, in J-Ville (I'm hoping to meet Linar and Tiff x3). I'm not sure on the details, but I think The Rob is going to be with us on Friday or Saturday...something like that. Matt is in southern FLA with his mom. He called Hchano on Sunday night, and we all talked for a while, and it was fun. We need to have him visit again for a few days or something. -Kchano <((_a)> sanity was maintained @ 10:27 p.m.
Wednesday, June 23, 2004 "Pretty in pink // Isn't she..."
Rudy is looking pretty bad, and mom agrees with me that we might have to have him put to sleep, which depresses me no end. I sat with him while he tried to eat some tuna (we're out of wet cat food, all we have is the hard, dry stuff) but he had a hard time. I cried. Then I took a shower. The end. My music is very 80's right now, and that helps make me feel inclined to smile a little, which is good. I wrote a lot on the drive home from Hchano's last night, and it's typed up and posted on my GJ. The icons in my previous posts were not loading for me, so if some one goes to check it out, let me know if they're working or not...Photobucket may just be spazing out right now or something. Mmm...archiving. -Kchano <((_.)> sanity was maintained @ 07:06 p.m.
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