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Tuesday, January 11, 2005 - I Fell Too Fast, I Feel Too Much
Only the second week of school and feelings of intense comraderie for my classmates threaten to swallow me whole. I can tell I'm feeling the same way I felt about my frosh group back in first year at Queen's.
As it's shaping out, I'm pretty disappointed I don't get to see our 'Graduating Crew' (or the GC as I like to call ourselves) every day. I have way too many classes with those Public Health bastards this term. I hate those classes. At least our boring OHS classes are made more interesting by the people who attend them. Another crappy thing about the PH classes is that Don is always followed by his adoring whores fans friends, and has no time for us fellow OHS people. Poo on them, for he no longer has any time for me us. Poo I say!
Yesterday was the first time I really had a chance to interact with the GC. Don was in a good mood, and was pouring on the charm for the instructor. He was using that tone of voice reserved for making people feel good and I'm sure our Seminars professor felt welcome, because I sure as hell was affected. It was like being accidently caught in the crossfires of a determined Veela.
And today I was with him and a bunch of friends getting coffee during a break. We were heading back to class and I was behind him as we walked up the stairs. He suddenly stopped and I ran into his back. He smelled really good. Like... a faint mixture of fresh laundry and something else... some sort of hypnotic "guy" smell. *embarassed*
I really like my classmates Wayne. He is an awesome person. He's smart but not a keener, dedicated but laid back, one of the guys but not crude. He's also kinda cute, and dresses well. Aaah, I didn't articulate that very well. Anyway, he has a girlfriend and that makes me sad on various levels. Firstly, because he's taken. Secondly, because he's just another guy in the long line of nice boys who are fucking taken. Fuck!! Why is every awesome boy my age in a long term relationship?! We're too young for this bullshit! Actually, we're not. That's just my personal feelings. But apparently my personal feelings are all wrong. Everyone who's worth it is in a relationship by the time they are my age. Which brings me to reason three Wayne makes me sad: if I'm not dating yet, I'm not one of those desireable girls. Woe for I am unworthy. If I was worth dating, I'd be doing so right now :(
I love the way we are so comfortable as classmates. All of our classes are so jokes. I'm way too amused by our antics. From poking fun at Keith, to Brad's non-sensical participation, to Don's witticisms, to ranting about crazy!Rob, to complaining about our horrible professors... it's all good. I wish we could be this way forever.
Hmm, I've said too much. I need to archive soon. And eat.
~ Temptation took over at 10:47 p.m.
Sunday, January 9, 2005 - She's Coming Up From Behind
It's been a while, and frankly I'm not sure what I should say. Hmmm...
I think it's safe to say that I am completely enthralled with Witch Hunter Robin. It's so cool. I really like the characters Robin and Amon. In particular, Amon. Rawr. Talk about your brooding, angsty, fangirl bait. Wooooweeee! I have celebrated the show by making icons that meet my standards for teh pretteh.
Um, what else? I got a digital camera for Christmas and an iPod for my birthday. I would take pictures of myself for icons, but I've got an ugly face >_< But things are good on the iPod front. Over 800 songs already, baybee.
It's getting late, and I have school tomorrow. In all honesty, going to school is fun except when I have to listen to an instructor. Then I just want to sleep. It doesn't feel like a Sunday night.
Soon I will have a new layout up. I can't wait.
I guess that's all it for the time being. I'm gonna go eat something unhealthy now.
~ Temptation took over at 11:04 p.m.
Friday, December 17, 2004 - Come Away With Me In The Night
It's over. The term. The exam. The essay. The dinner. There are still trials to be had in the weeks ahead. But the major stress is gone. From now until my birthday it will be all about doing my damndest to practice escapism.
I learned something today. That I should never sit behind Don during an exam. Because it's just WAY too distracting. Everytime he turned a page or cracked his knuckles or looked around... I looked up to stare at him from behind. Blatantly. And then I would forcefully shake my head and drag my mind back to the exam, thinking "This was not a good idea." That boy is becoming a problem for me. I'm gonna be so depressed relieved when we graduate next year and I'll never have to see him again. Right now I'm wondering how the heck I'll be able to get through the next three weeks without talking to him. But then I remember that when I'm at home, no one else matters but my family. Home is good :)
I desperately missed the good old clubbing days tonight. I mean, drinking and chilling and talking is all good and well. But I miss the pulsing bassline, the strobe lights, and the feeling of being surrounded by people but still being lost in your own world of music.
I'm starting to look forward to my cousin's wedding this summer. Mostly because I'll get to dance in front of people for the first time in a long time. And to good music at that. I hope to do most of the choreography, along with my sister. I'm also (super secretly) looking forward to meeting a potential certain someone. But I don't want to start building my expectations too high already.
There's a strange disconnection between my creative skills and my physical skills. For example, I remember being in grade 2 and wanting to draw a squirrel. I could see the image clearly in my head, but I could not for the life of my actually draw the squirrel properly. The same thing happens when I imagine how I have to sing and what comes out of my mouth. The same thing happens when I have a dance sequence planned in my head and try to do the moves. It's downright frustrating.
~ Temptation took over at 12:42 a.m.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - Ain't Nothing Going On But A Catastrophe
I figured it out. I don't hate interacting with people. I hate interacting with unfamiliar strangers. Yay for not being as antisocial as I previously suspected I was.
Only one more day and I'll be done the term. Once it's over, I plan on getting too drunk to care whether I'm having a good time or not. Forsooth!
~ Temptation took over at 01:18 p.m.
Friday, December 10, 2004 - I'd Rather Be In Love
It's not easy being a woman. There are many reasons why. The one I'm thinking of has to do with that monthly cycle that brings so much PAIN and RAGE. Imagine... for a week you feel restless, unwell. There are strange twisting pains coming from within your abdomen, omens of ill will. And then one day it suddenly feels like red hot pokers are poking and jabbing and twisting at your insides. That's if you're lucky. If you are not lucky (and I am not) then you are blessed with the pleasure of additional pains. It starts with a cold sweat. Then the nausea begins to build within you. You shiver despite being wrapped in heat. Then your vision begins to blur. You cannot concentrate, cannot focus on the here and now. There is only one thought residing within your consciousness. The thought that you are dying and about to witness your last days on earth. That is what it feels like to be a woman.
I had a very vivid dream last night. My anticipations are all directed towards the end of exams lately, so this was where my dream began: term ending, friends and classmates deciding where to party when the gruelling evaluations were over. I was standing near campus with two female friends and Him, when we ran into a friend of His. This friend clapped Him on the shoulder and exclaimed "Whenever I see you at school, you're always accompanied by this pretty girl." and pointed to me. Then He put His arms around my shoulders jovially and said something to the effect of "Well, I'd have her if she'd let me." To which I laughed and replied with something like "You've got to work hard if you want my love." But by saying that magic word 'love', it wasn't jokes and silliness anymore. He still had His arms around me and I just went with the flow and leaned into the embrace. My friends were stupefied, exclaiming things such as "Are you two acting this way without any alcohol??" Off they ran, shaking their heads in disbelief as He and I simply enjoyed the moment. Because we knew the second we got back to school we would have to act as if nothing had happened. Because realisitically, we knew nothing could happen. Ours was the Doomed Ship.
I saw him today. For real. There was a point where I looked at him and my heart almost skipped a beat. Almost. I'm not quite there yet. He was showing off the shirt he had made to commemorate our brutal exam schedule. I was looking at the shirt, but really looking at him. I noticed that near the collar of his shirt I could see that he was wearing a pendant/necklace sort of thing underneath. I don't know why, but seeing it just... sent my stomach in a little nosedive.
Attraction is a scary thing. I wonder what will unfold next Thursday when I am drunk out of my mind and he's there for company. I hope I don't do anything stupid. There's still a few months of school left. The stupidity will have to wait until April.
Sometimes I just get lonely. Hmmmm. I think it's time to find oneself a mate.
~ Temptation took over at 11:05 p.m.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004 - Be The Light In My Eyes
I stopped working on my NaNo novel way back on the 5th of November. I hit a little over 5000 words and schoolwork suddenly became too hard to ignore. But I wasn't sad about it, because 9 pages worth of original writing was more than I ever thought would come out of this endevour. Next year will be much better for sure, primarily because I won't be in school. School is a vicious eater of free time.
I've got quite a stories in transit right now. There's my original fiction, tentatively titled Under the Autumn Sky. Then there's my pseudo-parody Harry Potter/Clamp crossover. The concept for it is rather epic and sprawling, so I'm debating on whether to turn it into a novella of sorts with semi-original characters. But that would make the story really cliché, something I was trying to avoid. Then there's my short and depressing real-person-fic starring SRK in an alternate universe. I'm sure more ideas will be coming up as the months go on. Writing is always so much fun. I might just delete the HP parody fic, finish up the SRK fic and then concentrate on my original novel.
Sometimes I worry about whether I bore people, or whether my friends really care about me or not. Today I was thinking "Oh, who am I kidding? These people don't really care about me." But it didn't bother me because I know no matter what my mommy still loves me ;)
Last night I had a really weird dream. I remember living in a city that floated in the ocean. I was an orphan who lived with an automechanic who took me in. I felt younger than my present age, around 16 or 17. In my dream I decided to run away/escape from the city and explore the outside world. With me came the automechanic's dog, a black Lab, as my loyal and constant companion. I find that really strange, because I don't like dogs and I usually don't dream of them in such a positive light.
I've lost a lot of weight in the last few months. While at first I was alarmed, that feeling has now been replaced with a sense of satisfaction. This is because I think I look so damn good! My stomach is so flat and hot ;) But I know this can't be good for me. I'm so not good at taking care of myself.
~ Temptation took over at 09:12 p.m.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 - Singing Satallite
I've discovered something about myself. My moods and thought processes are actually affected by my hormones. They really are. And to think that I was always proud that I lacked that particular female quirk. But it's true; during certain times I think and feel certain ways. Remember how I was talking about my week long psycho-crush on a classmate/friend of mine? It's happening again. My primative Hind Brain is screeching "Me want that boy! Tasty tasty boy!" and the evolved Forebrain is frantically attempting to calm it down. Hee, I like that explanation.
I was feeling down and lonely this evening. It's hard living alone. I was drowning my sorrows in loud club music. Fortunately, my brother challenged me to a duel. An online billiards duel. I whooped his ass 3-2 :) And then I took some time out to watch House, which really boosted my spirits. I'm feeling much better now. Still lonely, but not dejected about it. Just... accepting.
~ Temptation took over at 09:59 p.m.
Monday, November 22, 2004 - You're Still A Super Hot Female
I'm at school, feeling a little bored. I hate school. I hate being tired. Living alone gets lonely after a while. I can't wait until my friends come over Saturday night. It's gonna be a blast. Maybe we can go out clubbing or to a bar or something. Or just chill. I could show they really bad Bollywood songs ;)
I miss Queen's lately. There was just something about it that's missing here. A sense of order, structure and stability. I'm talking about the setting in an aesthetic sense, not how I felt while I was there. Those grey limestone buildings were just so picturesque and university-like. In hindsight. I bet they really aren't, and I'm just remembering campus through rose coloured lenses.
Tonight I've got to work on a lab. Then I've got until Friday to figure out my creativity project. After that, it'll be hardcore essay time once again, meaning sleep deprivation will be upon me. Woe.
~ Temptation took over at 02:24 p.m.
Thursday, November 11, 2004 - I Need A Ride Or Die Chick
I'm listening to the weirdest Latin dance song right now. It's called 'Obssession' by Aventura. Anyway, this next entry will be really long.
This past week has been absolute hell. My health education professor has moved up from Disconcertingly Mean to Heinous Bitch-Whore Servant of Satan. She's gave me a completely illogical and unfair mark on my assignment, and was extremely unprofessional and rude during my group presentation on Monday. So now I'm embroiled in this dramatic academic movement to bring the justice to the students. It's weird, to say the least. I'm the last person who would complain about a professor. These days I've been finding I'm neither here nor there.
Other factors have contributed to my week of hell. Like having 7 things due in 10 days. It's killer. I have 2 presentations, 4 reports, and 1 exam. Normally, this disastrous amount of work wouldn't bother me. But on Tuesday night there was a Career and Awards Night, and the bottom line is that it changed my mind on how motivated I should be. I feel as if success is actually at my fingertips, if I just try harder. And so, it's easy to get stressed out about things when you're worrying about doing well. Things are easier when you don't care.
What else... I've been sick. First it was because I got my period. Bleh. That was, as always is, never a welcome experience. Secondly, I got my flu shot. This left me feeling achy and tired for another day. And finally, I've somehow contracted a cold from someone. Sore throat and stuffy nose are not my idea of a fun time. It's so hard to focus when your body is not at 100%.
The house is a mess. It needs a cleaning, and soon. But I'm too busy. There's no time to clean, honestly. There's no time for laundry or vacuuming or taking out the trash or polishing or dusting. The house is a mess.
It's getting cold, and I've been hunting for a nice winter coat. Bah. The thought of a "nice" winter coat is reminding me of wanting to look pretty, which is just taking me to a place I don't want to go. But all my issues aside, I really do need a warm yet dressy winter coat. I hate the winter and darkness. I haven't seen snow yet (I know some friends and my family have) but I'm still feeling oppressed.
About that Career and Awards Night... if it wasn't my friend Jodi who had won the award for our program I would have been jealous. But after myself, she's the next person I'd have given it to. It was a night of high emotions and intense stimulation for me. Everyone was there, everyone I knew at school pretty much. It finally struck me that many people I know here are award winning material. Makes me feel good by association. And then there was the whole deal with having to schooze and network, something I usually abhor. But I talked to some alumni and old profs. After I got home I was hyperventilating and nauseaous. Too much stimulation, extroversion and elation. I had to take a shot of liqueur to calm myself down.
I'm still feeling some confusion over my friend Don. I said that I experienced a one week crush. I think I've always had a crush on him. I just indulged myself to the max for that one week. Because I still care about what he thinks of me. I still mentally check what comes out of my mouth when I talk to him. "What would he want me to say now? How can I please him? How can I impress him?" Of course, it's clear that he cares not for me. I don't think he considers me a friend. He's having a keg party tomorrow and invited me purely out of courtesy. (He admitted as much.) I know he doesn't even have the slightest tiniest feeling for me. I know that. But I keep putting myself between him and the world. I'm a sucker for what's not good for me. I let him get away with so much, just because I want him to think of me as more than just that geeky bitch in all his classes. I know for sure... once school is over it will be VERY hard to talk to him. Some friends you can pick up the pieces even after you haven't talked in a while. I don't think he's one of them. My friend Jenny isn't either. But Jodi is, for sure. If we didn't see each other for a month and then met, we would talk for hours!
Sometimes it doesn't make sense. He calls me a bitch. He annoys me and hits me. He ignores me and is inconsiderate. But then he buys me lunch and acts the gentleman. He passes me notes in class. He calls me or messages me randomly. Is there a category for someone who'd more than a acquaintance but less than a friend? I have to stop being such a woman and stop thinking.
We learned about arson in my Fire Safety class this week. Learned all kinds of awesome details and secrets. Made me want to write honest to god CSI fanfiction. Heh.
Buh. I feel fucked. I have to stop looking ahead and taking it one day at a time...
~ Temptation took over at 09:01 p.m.
Monday, November 8, 2004 - One Above And One Below
Sometimes I wonder why the relationship between me and my brother is not how it used to be. I think maybe he gave up on me. I remember during my last few years of high school and the first few of university, he'd always knock on my door late at night, wondering if we could chat. I turned him away more times than not, because I was usually tired and didn't want to deal with my family more than I needed to. I love my family, but they wear me down so easily sometimes. But anyway, my brother doesn't knock on my door late at night anymore. I wasn't there for him when he maybe wanted to vent, or hear some big-sisterly advice. But then I wonder... who was I to give him advice? But that's another can of worms altogether. These days I hear him conversing late at night with my sister, and he's the one dishing out copious advice now. He's coaching her, our little sister, to be the best that she can be. I've never been one to advise and coach. I'm not that kind of an older sibling. I'm glad I'm the eldest kid in my family that way. Things never turn out well when the oldest sibling sets the bar too high.
My parents, despite their awesomeness, made some big mistakes with me. Like throwing around the word "english" and "arts" like they were dirty words. I still haven't gotten over my fear that if I do what I want with my life they'll be disappointed with me. The impulse to just let them control my life because momma and poppa know best is incredible sometimes. I have a bit of an inferiority complex because of them. My young and impressionable mind probably thought that the reason they did everything for me was because I was too incompetant to make the right decisions for myself. My god, that's exactly what's happened to my sister. She actually believes she's incompetant because she doesn't know how to do simple things like fold laundry or change a lightbulb. But she's not incompetant. My parents just do everything for her.
This so called incompetance will follow us for the rest of our lives. Many times I have recieved funny looks from people when I tell them I can't cook a simple meal for two, or fill my (mother's) car with gas.
~ Temptation took over at 12:36 a.m.
Monday, November 1, 2004 - Why Are You Running Away?
I've finally started my NaNo. It really stinks. But that's why November = writing and the rest of the year = editing.
*sigh* Why do I do this to myself? I'm having a "I hate school" moment again. I just think about the things I'll have to prepare in the next few weeks and I can't stand all this bullshit. I hate the fact that I'll have to go through life doing all these things that make me stressed and uncomfortable. But that's what life is all about. Does this mean that I'm doomed? That I have poor character because I'm not accepting of the tough times in life? That I'm a lazy, horrible wastrel because I would totally prefer if life were easy. Everyone is selfish inside anyway. It's just that sometimes I can't help but make my reference group ridiculously high placed. I think I might have self-esteem issues, despite all the things I love about myself. There's a lot I don't like. And then there's always the feeling that I'm not good enough, that I haven't met some unseen expectations. That I've failed at life somehow.
I really should go have a shower. But I'm still sitting here. Laziness seems to be at the root of all my problems. My mother always chided me for not taking enough initiative. She always says that when you do something, you should put your whole heart and effort into it. To take it seriously and focus on nothing else. She applies it to fucking everything, from studying for an exam to cooking pasta. I can't help it if I can't take things seriously. Nothing really matters to me.
I never listened to my family when they told me to go into graphic design. I didn't take them seriously. I was stubborn; I had started on the path of biology and chemistry and would stick with it goddammit! It was a matter of pride. Changing paths would have been equivalent to admitting defeat. As well, deep down inside, I think I was ashamed of what I could do. It didn't feel right to share the fact that I knew how to make websites and use Photoshop. It was a public admittance that I hadn't paid enough attention to school. Also, their attention and praise made me uncomfortable. I don't think I'd do great in graphic design. I just like fooling around. Structured applicability would probably not go over well with me. I just don't know. I still wonder if there's niche for me to fill out there somewhere.
I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. It's really weird. I never realized my hormones had such an effect on me. On the weekend I had a group meeting and his name came up, mostly regarding the possibility of us centering him out during our presentation. He's definately an amusing guy. A loud mouth, but amusing.
Screw the shower tonight. I don't fucking care if I look horrible tomorrow. Tomorrow is just another day.
~ Temptation took over at 11:06 p.m.