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Thursday, October 28, 2004 - If You Don't Dance Then You're No Friend Of Mine
He didn't cut his hair. I was just being a doofus. I think he had just come from home, and his hair was wet from a shower. Or something. Whatever. I'm feeling strangely detached. Last night I could sense my feelings slowly changing. I woke up this morning and was all: "I don't want to go to class." "What about him?" "Screw him! I'm tired." So yeah, weirdness. I think it's hormonal really. My period ended and I was cool for a week. Then suddenly I'm getting all batty over a boy in my class for a week. All this time I've got the clearest skin ever. And now I find myself breaking out and calming the hell down. Definately hormones. I must be ovulating ;)
That's all. Is it November yet?? *whine*
~ Temptation took over at 09:55 p.m.
Monday, October 25, 2004 - I Love You In Secret, In The Darkness Of My Heart
Man, is it November yet?? I want to get my NaNo started. I also want to put up my new layout. It's simple, but I was missing the serenity of blue. The red and orange is riling me up. Actually, if I were to confess the truth... I would have to say I like the layout colours riling me up. I want to be riled up. It makes me feel alive. You're never more alive than when emotion is racing through your body and you just want to go nuts. I want to go nuts. Or go bananas. I want to be completely out of control for one wonderful day. If only life were a Bollywood movie.
He got his hair cut on the weekend. It doesn't look all that great. Makes him look like a drowned rat. *chortle* I'm going to ask (read: tease) him about it tomorrow. I'm also going to ask him why he wants to gain weight. I think his body size is fine the way it is. But I've always liked my men on the lean side. If he puts on as much weight as his best friend, well... that's just too big for me.
I look at the schedule for the school days to come and I can't help but be happy, despite the mounds of work heading my way. Because I know there will be many more opportunities to work with him. This is the sort of thing you enjoy while it's there. Revel in the moment. Then you have your five seconds for a sad good-bye and poof! The road of life continues. There will always be a few spare minutes in the day to fantasize to my heart's content.
Love is stupid. Love is a blind puppy that runs into walls and then sits there dazedly, tongue lolling and a grin on its face. I don't know why he reminds me of her. Well, he doesn't anymore. He's his own entity now. But in the beginning, the similarities were uncanny. I can understand and accept why the same thing is happening all over again. But this will be nowhere as painful as what happened with her. Love makes you stupid. Swathes the brain like cotton batter and makes everything fuzzy and non-descript.
~ Temptation took over at 11:49 p.m.
Saturday, October 23, 2004 - Pick Me Up, Pull Me Together
Oh dear. I just noticed that the A and S on my keyboard are beginning to wear out. I spend way too much time sitting here typing.
I feel like using big words. Like maudlin and incognito. I guess I just want to make my words heavier with importance. Because everyone knows verbosity makes the things you say more important ;)
It's strange how I can hear a song and be so profoundly moved by it, despite not understanding the majority of the words. There's something to be said for intonation and emotion in song. Bah, now I'm not even making any sense.
What is it about love that makes one a willing fool? All rationality and logic are thrown out the window when it comes to love. It boggles the mind. Yet, there is something unclassifiable about love, some potent unknown, that makes the decision to toss rationality out the window completely sound. It's very scary. When I fall in love [again], I want to make sure I have a no-bullshit friend at my side to keep me grounded and realistic.
I wish I could sing better. I bothers me that I don't know my own voice well enough to hit notes accurately. All I ask for is accuracy. I don't even care that my range will never match that of a true soprano. I can live with being alto or mezzosoprano or whatever the title is.
Life is an adventure, but I'm too lazy to step outside the box. Yeah, definately wishing I could exorcise a select few facets of my personality right now.
~ Temptation took over at 11:24 p.m.
Thursday, October 21, 2004 - Head Meets Desk, Heart Meets Throat
It's been a while. School has been insane lately. So many exams and assignments to do. October was the beginning of the end. And now I finally have a small respite from the craziness.
My best friend from high school is back from Arizona, after a year and a half away. It feels like longer. She's gonna be back in the city in January, but wants to get together with me and another close mutual friend before she leaves for California to visit another friend. I missed her a lot. It was great to hear from her.
Our mutual friend also gave me a call because we hadn't talked in a while either. We've both been super busy with school. We got a'talkin about relationships and stuff, and I had a vulnerable moment. Haven't had one of those in a while. Not since I that first year living with roommates. I was talking about how I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me, and why I don't understand why I can't make friends easily. I mean, I'm friendly. I'm cheerful. I'm bubbly. So what... the... FUCK?! Why is my social circle so limited? Why do I have no one to talk to? It's not everyday that I just wish I wasn't me.
It bothers me, you see. The fact that not a single boy has ever approached me. I must have a big sign on my face that says "DON'T TALK TO ME" or something. And it's not like I'm sending out lesbian vibes, because not a single girl has hit on me either. But that's neither here nor there. I just wonder, why haven't I met anyone that matches me? Why don't I meet anyone who fits my personality and values. Why do I always fixate on people who are so very different from me...
There's this one thing in particular that's been bothering me for a while. There's this guy that I'm friends with in school. When I met him on the first day I wondered if he would be my token guy crush. But as I got to know him there were more incidents of me mentally beating him with a stick than warm fuzzy affectionate moments. I figured that was that. But things are never that simple.
He treats girls one of two ways: as a regular plain old girl, or a girl he showers attention onto. I'm definately part of group one. In the beginning I was glad about that; I could talk with him and not be worried about him hitting on me or anything. He was 'safe', so to speak. But things have changed in the year that I've known him. Every rare time he bumped into me affectionately or just touched me made me freeze up for reasons I cannot understand. I came to the conclusion that maybe it was physical attraction or lust or something like that. Because I still have daydreams about telling him off and then beating the crap out of him.
So I assumed that while I might be attracted to him at a subconscious hormonal level, that didn't matter because my mind was really turned off by him. Unfortunately for me, my hormones are masters of persuasion. I think I might have a crush on him. And I hate admitting it. Because he's trash. Really loud, obnoxious, pervy, dominating, amusing, confident, charismatic trash. There's so much wrong with him. He objectifies women. He makes rude jokes. He cusses like a mad bastard. He's done every frigging drug under the golden sun. He's a horrible boy... so why can't I stop thinking about him?! Fuck. Maybe it's a woman thing, to romanticize a man by ignoring his faults and noticing the good things about him. Because there are good things about him. He's so good to his friends. He's intelligent. He's friendly beyond recognition. He's relaxed and humourous. But still, I can't ignore his many faults.
I always let my little mini-mocks of him creep into my language, because I don't want him to think I like him. I've always done that. Maybe I'm trying to deny something when I should just accept it and move on. I mean it when I say that I pity the woman that gets stuck with him. It'll be some small town Italian girlie, like him.
I should just accept the fact that I like him. Because that in itself means nothing. Yeah, like him. I think about him a lot. I think about the possibilities... what if by some bizarre twist of fate he was really a sweet and protective guy who liked me back. But I'd never date him in a million years. Because in reality I know he's too different from me. He'd drive me insane. It just would not work.
Damnation. What I need is some good rock music and a glass of Bailey's.
~ Temptation took over at 10:16 p.m.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 - You Are The Scar That Makes Me Hide My Face
I can't believe that a few days ago I was facing some of my favourite Bollywood movie stars. Temptation 2004 was awesome. I can see Shahrukh Khan so clearly now. And a shirtless Saif Ali Khan ;)
The concert inspired me as a matter of fact. I was listening to the song 'Drifting' by Sarah McLachlin last night and realized it would fit perfectly for an AU RP fic involving SRK and me Kajol. I'll see where this takes me. I've already got enough things on my platter. Mmmm, veggie platter...
School is getting hectic but I'm being the best student I can. Working hard and keeping on task as best I can without going insane. But I have a feeling that no matter how hard I try that work will creep over my shoulder in a WAVE OF DOOM and smother me within an inch of my life. Such is the way of things.
*sigh* I've got to go work on a new layout. I should have gone into web design or graphic design.
~ Temptation took over at 09:08 p.m.
Thursday, September 16, 2004 - Rise From Foam On The Sea
Thank goodness I only have a four day school week. That Friday off is a gift from the gods.
Today was a little more interesting that usual. This morning I had the untimely pleasure of being in the company of Stupid Girls on the subway. One was blond, the other brunette. I got on at the same stop as them and when the doors closed the brunette says loudly "I paid so much fucking money for tuition and there are NO HOT GUYS! I mean, education yay... but WHERE ARE THE HOT GUYS? University should be like that movie National Lampoon, you know? Hot guys, girls in bikinis and drunken beer parties." I shit you not, she was serious. At this point I'm thinking "Holy crap, please let these girls not be going to my school, that would be embarassing." Anyway, then the blond girl starts talking about getting kicked out of school in grade 9 and having to go to a "Mentally Retarded" school (her words) and the stupid people she met there. She also talked about her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend attacking her. These two girls were vapid, loud, shallow, and used the word 'fuck' a lot. And they did get off at my school in the end. *shakes head*
The ride back home was much more enjoyable, as I sat next the one of THE HOTTEST brown guys I have ever seen. He had a nice face, nice body, and he was talking and joking with his friend about how he was doing in the acting/music field. And I'm all like "Oooh, hot articulate Indian artist with a sense of humour!" Then he mentioned he was in first year of university and I was squicked because that means he was waaaaay too young for me ;)
I had a girly moment today. To be more specific, I started doing that patented womanly overanalyzing thing. I was grabbing a coffee with a guy from my class and telling him about the Stupid Girls. He said he wouldn't have minded the swearing because he does it all the time himself. Then I said "Well, it's different when a guy does it." which is a statement I don't even think I endorse. He gave me the most amused laugh I've heard him give me and then proceeded to buy me coffee. I have no idea why he did that, but I started thinking too much about why he would have bought me coffee. I thought about him treating me because I had slipped and said something not as feminist as I usually do. I thought about the fact that he could probably see my bra through my shirt (I knew, but didn't care today). I thought about all kinds of stuff and then gave myself a mental slap for being such a girl. Overanalyzation is the essense of womanhood.
Hopefully I made sense most of the time. It's late and I am tired and crazy. Being tired is like being drunk, but without the hangover or gastrointestinal issues. I think I may well have nightmares about rotting grapes and bitter lettuce. *flails*
~ Temptation took over at 12:38 a.m.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 - Doesn't Anybody Want To Play?
The condo still doesn't have any blinds. I hope I haven't flashed a boob or two at anyone yet. My mom says hopefully by next week I'll have blinds in my room, and therefore more privacy. On another note, the light pollution at night is beginning to get to me. The condo floodlights are never turned off, not even during the day. What a waste of energy.
I have lots that I need to do still. I need to get my OSAP status checked. Money is always appreciated. I need to buy a shitload of printer paper, because the professors are making us print everything ourselves this year. Stupid bastard psuedo-university. I need to get some french vanilla mix, because late nights are back again. I think we have some Tim Horton's goods back at home.
*sigh* Everything is just in a state of minor imperfection, which is slightly annoying. I have no calendar or bulletien board in this room, which leaves much to be desired in the battle for organization. I have less storage options, meaning I have to cram all my possession in one of only 3 places: the closet, my desk, and my half-assed excuse for a shelf which is really a side table.
I can't believe how many TV channels I have right now. Over 700! I saw the show 'Dead Like Me' for the first time last night and really liked it. I had the opportunity to see 'Undergrads' on the Cartoon Network, but passed it up due to other pressing school related tasks that needed completion.
My mom called to say that my grandfather passed away today. So I am now officially grandparentless. She said there wasn't much pain when he went, and he had been sick for some time so there were no surprises. He led a really full life (lived to 91) and was surrounded by family at the end, so that's good. My mom had made tentative plans to go before he passed away, but now she's decided she might go next summer for the one year ceremony. Might go. Things are pretty hectic here. I'm transitioning between school and work. My brother is trying for med school and having a rough year as a CA. My sister needs attention as a teen. And my dad was just diagnosed as having some major anaphalactic problems. He has to carry one of those Epi-Pens everywhere.
Sometimes life just picks up and you have to hold on and weather the storm.
~ Temptation took over at 11:14 p.m.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004 - You're My Candy In The Sun
Wow, it's been awhile! Between the last post and this one, I finished off my summer job, went to Florida right after Hurricane Chalie died out, spent a week in Miami, ran away just as Hurricane Frances came around, moved into the new condo, and started my final year of school. Yayness. The times, they are a-hectic.
Living downtown is interesting. Mostly it's boring. I'm remedying that by calling up all the friends I can get my hands on to go out for coffee or drinks and whatnot.
Campus is cramped and teeming with people. I can't wait till just before midterms come around and half the people drop out of classes.
As much as I love the city, I feel out of place here sometimes. I'm neither urbane-trendy nor urban-ghetto. I guess I'll always feel at home in the suburbs now.
I wish this place had curtains. I can't wait to have my own place.
~ Temptation took over at 10:31 p.m.
Friday, August 20, 2004 - Eternally Retold
Bah, the Canadians are seriously stinking at these Olympics. They've got as many athletes as Russia and Australia, yet they only have 2 medals. Azerbaijan has 2 medals too, so that's nothing to be proud of. Man, why can't the Canadians use the right drugs? ;) Ah well, we better just wait for the winter Olympics where we kick significantly more international ass.
When the apocalypse comes, it will be a lot different from what people imagine. Dogs won't howl at a blood red sky. Birds won't viciously devour their young. Rivers and lakes won't fill with filth and grime. No, the apocalypse will come when our CDs won't burn properly and the internet shuts down.
End randomness.
~ Temptation took over at 03:31 p.m.
Thursday, August 5, 2004 - I Know How I Want You To Say Goodbye
FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK! FUUUUUCK!
Okay, I just needed to get that out of my system. Livejournal is being weird, I'm tired and bored and cold, and I want to go home. I can't wait to be done with this job and back downtown. But that's just going from the frying pan into the fire.
Today is my mom's birthday. So happy birthday to her. *g*
I like being inspired. It's such a great feeling. It's as if I've tapped into the group consciousness and am cryptically expounding the mysteries of life using whatever medium I choose. Music, dance, writing, graphic art... they're all connected by the same thread.
I've begun thinking that maybe I lived in Greece in a past life. Whenever I see pictures of greek buildings (modern and ancient) or greek scenery, I am completely overwhelmed by the urge to OMG go over there right now and witness the beauty!!!!!!!11one I have got to go there at least once in my lifetime.
I hate conflicting messages.
~ Temptation took over at 03:41 p.m.
Monday, August 2, 2004 - You Don't Win Friends With Salad
I am quite drunk right now. That seems to be a reoccuring theme as of late. I'm drunker than before, having eaten less for dinner and drunk my Twisted Green Apple Smirnoff faster.
Not looking forward to work tomorrow. It's a good thing it's August and this stint is almost over. Speaking of August... layout change! The new one features Rakka from Haibane Renmei, and took FOREVER to perfect.
I had a dream last night I could fly. I haven't had a successful flying dream in a long, long time. I remember lots of urban buildings, and something about a Harry Potter RPG. *shrug* My subconscious is weird.
I was having a bad self-image day. My hair was not doing as commanded, my skin was horrid, and I generally felt ugly. But as soon as I left the mirror I was fine. It's strange how my self-consciousness drops the moment I can't see myself. It's like the mirror is a reminder of reality, that I'm not as pretty as I think I am inside my own little head. I guess that means my self-esteem IS pretty good.
It's evil music time!
~ Temptation took over at 09:02 p.m.