 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Friday, October 13, 2006 - I'll Give You A Piece Of Myself
Well painted passion
You rightly expect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen
Lover alone without love
No no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
Is turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you listen
Lover alone without love
Music is worthless unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him
Love alone without love
Without love
Without love
Without love
Temptation took over at 08:38 p.m.
Tuesday, September 5, 2006 - So How Do I Do Normal?
So last weekend I finally called up a guy I had met on Lavalife. Talk about disappointment. He wasn't very talkative, sounded pretty nervous, just really quiet. I felt like I had to compensate and yapped on and on. Compound this with the fact that he's gone back to school because he can't find a job in aeronautics or whatever he's studying... yeah, me = not hopeful. If it were me meeting someone in real life, maybe things would be different. I've known guys like this. I've been friends with guys like this. Hell, I've had crushes on guys like this. But it just isn't the same. Arg.
My mom was saying a while ago how the daughter of a friend of hers got married recently; married a doctor when the daughter had gone on previous record of saying she would never marry one. My mom said something to the tune of, "She finally realized that it isn't all about looks and finding someone perfect, but finding someone who's successful and educated." I didn't reply, but in my head I was all "STFU STFU STFU!!" Fuck settling for less than awesome. I'm worth more than that. I deserve all the fucking happiness in the world. I refuse to let the paranoia and the fear and the judgement that plagues so many single women to intrude into my life. I've made my peace. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it just was never fated to be. And then besides, there will be no one complicating what I want out of life. Singledom is an opportunity to be selfish that I will kindly give up when I meet someone who makes me want to give it up.
Temptation took over at 01:58 p.m.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006 - You Can Build A House But Not A Home
I'm currently on Family Overkill: Week 3 of 4. I know I feel lonely when I am living on my own, hence the weekly weekend visits to the family home for their company. But being around them 24/7, especially with me being so particular and independent like I usually am, it grates on my nerves every now and then. But really, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Living in a gigantic house and taking vacations to the tropics probably helps. In any case, I get bothered by them every now and then. But I also get bothered when they are not around. So I guess I am stuck between a rock and a hard spot.
More than living with the family, living out of the city has been odd. As much as I profess to hate certain aspects of the city, I do miss it. I kept having dreams about hanging out with friends in the city while I was on vacation. It was cold, grey, polluted, and dreary... but in every dream I would always wax poetic about loving the city. Weird.
Y'know, it is totally time to create a Shit List.
Okay, that's enough from me for now. I R HUNGRY.
Temptation took over at 10:52 a.m.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006 - So Here We Are, Twin Stars
I can't remember why, but a while ago I was thinking about how when I finally get a keeper!boyfriend, it will be someone I totally adore and life with him will be awesome. And my parents will finally leave me alone. But then I started thinking about all the random dreams/fantasies I have about having a boyfriend... and in none of them I factor in involving my family. Which brought me to the abrupt realization that I don't mind having someone to be intimate with and close to, but I cannot stand the idea of my relatives talking about said relationship. Essentially, I would want to live with my boyfriend in a state of casual happiness, where we do things together and hang out with other friends and coworkers, etc. But the idea of interacting with my family with a boyfriend around makes me... nervous. I'm actually sort of afraid of what having a boyfriend says about me: that I found someone else I'm willing to share feelings with. I'm afraid of relatives pulling the whole "Oho, so this is the boy! Let's take a look at him! You two make such a cute couple!". I can handle that from friends, but coming from family it makes me highly uncomfortable.
I think it's because I've always been the rock of my family. The one who doesn't cry, the one who doesn't get emotional, the one who brushes everything off. Having a boyfriend, being in love, is an admission of weakness that I don't want my family seeing.
How fucked up is that?
Temptation took over at 10:19 a.m.
Wednesday, July 5, 2006 - This Is My Voice On TV
Holy shit. I love my family and all, but I just feel so relieved and relaxed right now. Feels like I've been spending so much time with them lately, with no opportunity to play to my own whims. Either I'm over there or they're over here. Strange thing is, when I'm with them I'm very glad to be with them. I guess I didn't realize how much I needed my "alone time" until I was by myself.
Well cor blimey, I guess I'm just not used to extended periods of social contact anymore.
Temptation took over at 08:04 p.m.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - I've Been To The Motherfucking Mountain Top
No. Just... no. Stop talking about sending the kids off to camp for the summer. Stop talking about how your baby is keeping you up all night. Stop talking about all this silly ass bullshit. I don't care. I hate you all and I wish I was somewhere else. Eat glass and die.
Temptation took over at 11:28 a.m.
Saturday, June 10, 2006 - You Always Try To Be Everything To Everyone
It's been a nice sort of day. My sister came over this morning and we spent the day mostly out and about. We went to the Hard Rock Cafe for lunch, which was cool. She's never been before. After that we wandered around the Eaton's Center. She bought ice cream and I bought manga. It's been one hell of a semester for her, so she was really enjoying being out in the Real World with Real People ;)
After we came back from shopping we watched a ton of House episodes. I am just so happy I got her up to the episode where Cameron and Chase sleep together. She was cracking up so much about high!Cameron :) Yay for House.
I am just in the midst of downloading a ton of random music. I've gone from Crystal Method to KoRn to Econoline Crush to Annie Lennox to Vanessa Carlton. My music tastes are just so varied and I am proud of it. At this point I'm just going through my iTunes library and checking out which artists I need more songs for. Ooooh, Everclear! I forgot about them! And I need more Foo Fighters! Hooray for recapturing madcrazy alternative music from the late 90s. Music makes me so happy, it should be illegal. Except not, because that would suck beyond all known levels of suckage.
Temptation took over at 11:27 p.m.
Friday, May 26, 2006 - Hold My Hand, Let's Chase The Sun
A couple weeks ago, I went out for a friend's birthday. Said friend conclusively revealed the fact that he is gay by having all birthday related venues down in The Village. I had suspected as much. Anyway, the fact that we were going to a martini bar and a club was already awesomeness. But I'd never been to The Village before, so that was part of the excitement too.
I remembered back to my first year in college and how in one or two emails to high school friends, I had subtly alluded to finding girls attractive. Only two people picked up on this nuance and asked me about it. I blew them both off because I was still sort of in denial and didn't want to confront the issue yet. Maybe I was pretending to be counter-culture in order to impress a floormate. In any case, we had gone to a Catholic school; I mistook their concern as an attempt to save a sinner from hell, or an attempt to find a juicy bit of gossip at best.
Flash forward to the birthday party and I realize that the two people who picked up on my heteroflexibility were in present company. One of them was the birthday boy himself. The other was a classmate and great friend who's sister just happened to be gay as well. It was a nice revelation that the people I thought who were appalled at me were actually trying to be supportive, and that I had never realized it. Me = blind as a bat.
The birthday celebrations were great, even if I forgot to buy the birthday boy a drink. It's been a while since I've acknowledged the "I like girls" part of me in a real-life situation. It felt good. I felt happy.
Temptation took over at 07:45 p.m.