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Monday, January 30, 2006 - Stood On The Edge, Tied To The Noose
The next time you see me, it will be with a new layout. Fuck yeah.
I had the weirdest little mini-depressive episode today as I was leaving work today. I started out excited to be leaving work. I had spent the last few minutes at the office reading madcrazy slasheriffic House MD pr0n and was feeling a wee bit giddy and whatnot. The dance tunes were cranked up and I was feeling fine. But when the radio started sucking I returned to my good old Coldplay CD. Suddenly I was falling into a deep funk. I'm talking about a blank stare, possibility of tears, "what the hell is wrong with me?" kind of deep funk. I have no idea what brought it on. Probably the wibbly fic. I've been living outside reality for a while now, in my head. It has also come to my attention that I only have 3 more years and then I ought to be married (by my own standards). Compound this with the fact that I suck at attracting a nice man and have sucked at this for over 10 years (almost 15)... well, it wasn't a very nice state of mind. I am starting to worry. I never have before.
People tell me that dreams can come true. But I don't think that will happen to me. What's better: a life lived alone and in vain, or a life of security and shattered wishes?
Temptation took over at 11:23 p.m.
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - Each Atom Sings To Me
Even though I am feeling fine right now, I had a really shitty morning. I woke up feeling like something was off, considering it was 6 AM and I was goddamn fine and awake. I had been too tired to shower or brush the night before, so I felt super-gross. My hair was stringy, my face was hideous and there was a narsty taste in my mouth. Then I realized that I had forgotten to turn off my computer OR the hall light before going to sleep. That just pissed me right off. To boot, my room was an absolutely heinous mess, endless clothes strewn everywhere. And when I finally got to work I had to wait for half an hour before anyone let me in. Grr...
My second issue of the day has to do with me being an idiot when it comes to men. I get uncontrollably weird around men I'm attracted to. And the worst part is that I can't stop thinking about it, no matter the situation. Now that I'm in the working world, I can't even count how many times I've crushed on married guys with kids. It's sad. But I'm not ready to become a catlady yet. Not yet ;)
Temptation took over at 10:53 p.m.
Thursday, January 12, 2006 - Watch The Stoic Squirm
I've been toying with the idea of writing a single fic from each of my favourite fandoms: X-Files, Star Wars, CSI, House and Lost. I've got ideas for all of them except for the Star Wars fic, which may just end up being the only crack!humour fic because I can't think of anything. The XF fic would probably ship M/S just after Detour. The CSI fic would be a general Sara vignette, post-Committed. The House fic would definately be my first shot at some for real House/Wilson slash-a-roo. The Lost fic would be violent and angsty Sayid/Sawyer not-quite-slash, pre-Confidence Man. At least... that's my plan. I have no idea if it will ever take off. I'm not dependable like that.
One reason I'm not sure these fics will ever take off is because of the original fic I'm trying to write. But the more I think about it the worse it sounds in my head. I'm not creative enough to come up with something original. I'm not a good enough writer to take the evocative images in my head and translate them onto paper.
Over the past few days I've been voraciously devouring random House and CSI fic. I'm sad to say that I've been rather disappointed by the CSI fic to be found. Not enough good fic for the ships I enjoy, like Sara/Greg or Warrick/Catherine. Too much Nick/Greg, and I had no idea the ship was that popular. Surprisingly, I have come to realize that I don't like Sara/Grissom fic, even though I totally ship them in the show. It's a fanon versus canon thing, I guess. The House fic, on the other hand, is stupendous! I've read some really good stuff. Mostly House/Wilson, which I actually have a bit aversion to. But a lot of fics have made me see what the big deal is :)
The condo is pretty messy right now. There's a lot of dusting and sweeping I have to do, along with dishes and laundry. I don't make meals as big as I should and I skip breakfast all the time. I wonder if I'm going to start losing weight quickly (I always lose weight quickly in January and February) and look even worse than I already do. More skeletal, I mean. I hate looking like this. I always think girls are prettier with subtle curves.
I've started getting a little too caught up in my daydreams again. I've been living in the real world for a long time now, being rational and jaded like never before. My mind has been calm and collected since I finished school last April. But once my parents failed at their match-making I think I relaxed a bit. And now that I've been indulging myself with DVDs of Lost/House/CSI, I've started thinking about worlds that don't co-exist with mine way too much. I have to stop. But I don't know how. But if I continue I'm afraid that I'll get too used to the fantasy I've created in my head, and be disappointed that the real world is nowhere as nice. I don't want unrealistically high standards shutting me off from the possibilities all around me. But on the other hand, I don't want to wake up one day and realize I've settled for second best. *sigh*
Temptation took over at 10:55 p.m.
Sunday, January 8, 2006 - I'm Only Laughing When It's Complicated
My birthday get-together did not turn out the way I had expected it to. To start off, I had emailed about 20 people inviting them to come out this Saturday for some celebratory drinking. Only ~7 people accepted the invitation initially. Then as the day approached, one by one everyone dropped out, citing one reason or another. I still got all dressed up and ready to meet up with a few people, only to find out at the last minute (and I mean the very last possible minute) that they weren't coming either. My first reaction was sadness that I had expected this grand celebration and ended up with no one. My next reaction was foolishness, that I was downtown, all dressed up with no place to go and no one to hang out with. The final reaction was annoyance that I had taken so much time to dress up and look nice and leave the house while it snowed heavily outside, all for nought. In the end there was nothing at all, just... nothingness. No emotional reaction. People get busy. I sent out the invitation pretty late. Rationalizations and reasons that explain everything. For a while I thought I might burst into tears due to disappointment. For a moment I was gripped by the morose dejection of not having a boyfriend. Then the fact that not having a boyfriend made me morose saddened me even further. Or maybe it wasn't disappointment at all. Walking back to my home tonight made me think about all sorts of things. In other instances I might have started thinking "Why doesn't anyone love meeeeeeee?!" but I'm beyond that now. I was thinking about other things. What am I doing with my life? What's my purpose? Should I be living my life differently? I was being affected by... well, I'll discuss the reason for my existential state of mind later. But the point remains that I was pondering about the larger questions that I tend to never face. I came home, and poured myself a couple stiff drinks and was on my way...
Which leads me to the reason for my state of mind. I call the following ramble "Fandom Fucks Me Up: Why I Should Not Read Epic Fics". For the entire day I have been reading an epic Harry Potter fic that was affected me emotionally and mentally. I couldn't stay away from the damn thing, even though the fic is incomplete. I was compelled to read it. It made my heart race and spirit soar, as good fic often does to me, whether we're talking about sprawling Pokeman or Daria fic. Which brings me to the fact that the effect that good epic fic has on me SCARES me. The thing with epic fics is that the fun never ends. Character and plot development pulls onward, there is simply more time and thought to be spent on it. It... affects me. Makes me think things that I've always thought since I was a child. That it would be wonderful to have something more than the world we are accustomed to. That there has to be more than what I see with my two eyes. That it would be wonderful to live an existence so pointedly unique and special as one finds in fic, or any entertainment medium for that matter. That there is something MORE. But I digress. The fic in question is wonderful, featuring Slytherin!Harry and his twin brother. I will say no more. Its strength lies in it's distinct AU character development; I've read other fics with denser plot or more compelling emotional blackmail.
In completely unrelated news, I've decided that it would be a wonderful thing to cage Chris Martin's voice for my own personal pleasure. I would just love to own Chris Martin and have him follow me around to sing to me and play the piano... just as I would love to own John Abraham and have him follow me around to brood melodramatically and share ice cream with ;)
Here's to hoping I get sober as the night wears on!
Temptation took over at 01:44 a.m.
Wednesday, January 4, 2006 - Give Me Strength And Give Me Soul
Everyone has, at one time or another, been asked what age they wish they could be forever. When I was first asked the question I had no idea how to answer. But by the time I was thirteen I knew that my answer would lie in my young to mid twenties. By the time I was seventeen, I knew: 24 years old. It was the perfect age. I would be out on my own, doing my own thing. I would have a little bit of experience with the world and a good mix of idealism and realism.
Tomorrow I turn 25. Honestly, there's no difference between 24 and 25. But 24 was the age I've wanted to be since forever, for forever. It's going to be sad to see it end. Being 24 wasn't lifechanging or particularly exciting. But it was a slice of life with both highs and lows, complications and simplicities, yet it seems like the year I came finally came full circle. It's like... watching a basin full of water finally stop sloshing around and settling down to a fine ripple.
Temptation took over at 11:15 p.m.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - I Can't Be Near You
It never occurred to me that the party would end. How wrong I was. Now all I'm left with it the party of one in my head. Pathetic. And disappointing.
Temptation took over at 11:06 p.m.
Sunday, December 4, 2005 - Waiting For A Star To Fall
I'm all nervous about leaving tomorrow. They say that third time's a charm. Let's hope they're right.
The more I think about romance, the more I'm convinced that it's not one or the other. My only choices are not just A) pine for a relationship with my one true love, and B) remain resolute that I don't need anyone ever. There's a third option, to enjoy the flavours of romance without the effort of a relationship. I can't believe I forgot. I used that loophole all the time in college. Maybe being reminded of my status as an adult spurred me into subconsciously rejecting this course of action. But in any case, the idea is appealing. The only issue is to not take a go at it alone, but to surround myself with other fun yet moral people as well. Hee!
Temptation took over at 05:28 p.m.
Friday, November 25, 2005 - These Dreams Are Tied To A Horse That Will Never Tire
Things just seem really depressing right now. Depressing in an aggravating sort of way. An unfulfilling career is a special kind of torture. It's not an overt torture. It's insidious. You wake up every morning and struggle to find the will to go on. You only get up because there are a few people who expect things from you, not because you enjoy it, not even for the people you deal with day to day. Nothing about it makes you content, yet you continue to go through the motions. Slowly, you get used to your torture, you become numb to it. You become numb to a lot of shit.
It's a pity that children cannot fathom the special numbness that an adult feels. Hanging somewhere between heaven and hell, nothing really matters anymore. It explains everything. They were right; your soul does die a little bit. The worst part is that it doesn't die enough for you to really notice. It's a gradual, eventual, and expected tragedy.
I don't understand how I could possibly be expected to get into a long-term relationship when I'm so dissatisfied with what I'm doing with my life.
Temptation took over at 11:28 p.m.
Sunday, November 20, 2005 - Laughing As These Lies Unfold
This past weekend was a bust and a half. Now I'm more depressed than ever. Plus the internet is PMSing and pissing me the fuck off.
Met with that guy who my parents wanted to set me up with. Was immediately disappointed the moment I met him. Motherfuckers can screw themselves if they think I'm shallow, but he just looked so odd and strange and weird and his mannerisms nearly made me cringe. But I'm good at masking my discomfort and we managed to have fun. He's a nice guy and I wouldn't mind having him around every now and then as a friend, but never in a zillion years for a relationship. The very idea made my stomach turn in disgust. The worst part was when our families met each other. We all got along very well, but my parents and his parents were having a ball and his parents were so nice and my parents were all like "They're all so nice!" and I was sitting with a grin plastered to my face feeling my stomach churn dangerously.
But of course, my parents are awesome and were fine with me telling them that I didn't see a future with him. Now I just feel horrendously guilty because I'm the only person in the entire process who didn't approve in the end. Go me. *sigh* I just have to try to put this whole thing behind me and focus on the fun and fantastic future of singledom that lies before me. Speed dating for kicks, putting on tight clothes and grooving at the club, being a lazy and dirty sloth at home... yeah. That's the life for me right now. I'm already depressed about my job as it is; I don't need another arena of my life to add to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
I feel like I might never recover mentally from this past weekend. I feel like something about me has been ever so slightly violated. My sense of dignity? Womanhood? Value as a human being? I have no idea what I'm talking about. I need to go find some NC-17 Lost slash and cleanse myself.
Temptation took over at 09:24 p.m.
Sunday, November 13, 2005 - You've Got To Roll With It
Words cannot describe how much I loathe work right now. Working gets in the way of LIFE. There's simply no value in my mind to the things that I am doing on a day to day basis. Sometimes I wonder if I am doomed to be unsatisfied with adult life forever. I actually went back to one of my universities on work time for an brainstorming session with the head of my department while I was at school, and chatted with the admin about various things. She said how another one of my friends is all like: "Yeah... I've had enough of working already. Can I stop now?" I know exactly how the dude feels. Someone kill me now.
Of course, there's always hope. If that's what one wants to call it. With the whole deal of my upcoming potential suitor, who know where the hell I'll be in a year or two? It's one of the reasons I just can't take work seriously. Also, since this guy lives in Pitsburgh the thought struck me: what if the wedding isn't here?! I don't think I would be able to take it if my friends didn't show up because they'd have to fly out of the country. Bah. I'll just have to wait and see.
Temptation took over at 11:03 p.m.
Sunday, October 30, 2005 - Don't Let The Drugs Get You
So, the party last night. Was fun. Interesting. Much shit went down.
We got there and at first I was worried, because barely anyone had arrived yet. And we were an hour late! So I immediately started drinking to stave off my awkwardness. People were drinking frigging 40s of beer man. It was wild. The two girls hosting the party were very nice. The one I was associated with, my friend's friend, was friendly and talked about her stay in Calcutta. The other roommate was a little intense and odd, but she's an actress, so I guess intense and odd are just part of her personality. She was really sweet as well :)
After a while the party started to pick up as more people arrived. There were a lot of people dressed up as fairies and cowboys, don't ask me why. These things just happen sometimes ;) I engaged in a little bit of social smoking (smoking and smoking). At one point a whole bunch of us were chatting on the balcony outside, then the neighbour threw open his window and we were all thinking he would tell us all to be quiet or stop smoking or somthing... instead he asked if he could join us! It's was so bizarre.
The music left a little to be desired. But the roommate who had been to India just happened to have the Hum Tum soundtrack, so I threw that CD into the stereo and groove for a while. You haven't lived till you've seen an asian fairy queen dancing to U 'n' I ;)
One of the thing I really noticed yesterday was A. being so non-judgemental about everything I did. And I've come to realize that when he asks if I will be hooking up with anyone tonight, he's not teasing me for being a ho. He's genuinely asking. He knows I'm not like that, but he's open-minded enough to ask and discuss what we should do if the situation does present itself. Speaking of open-minded, when he was driving me back we somehow got into a discussion about how we wanted to marry people who were sexually adventurous, and how it worried the both of us because it's not the sort of thing you can figure out until you actually have sex, i.e. get married in our cases. And now I'm thinking back and shaking my head, because I can't believe I said what I said. I've never said that shit to anyone before!
Temptation took over at 1:11 p.m.
Friday, October 28, 2005 - Baby, You Want Me?
So I was invited for a little impromptu get-together on Sunday. Two of the girls from work (two I hung out with at the conference) were joking about invading another guy's house for a scary movie marathon and cooking stuff for the Monday potluck. I was invited as well. Very nice of them. I will probably have to have a drink or two when I get to this guy's house, otherwise I'll never loosen up. I really need to find another way to be extroverted that doesn't involve drinking. It's turning into a quick fix crutch.
I wish I wasn't so worried about people judging me, or what they thought of me. I wish I could act whatever way I wanted to without wondering if it made me look immature/boring/weird. I miss the way I could act around my friends at Queen's. I almost got back to that point when I was in Ryerson, but then we graduated. And now I have to start all over again. It's harder this round, because I feel so young and immature and inexperienced and tabula rasa.
Today was also the NaNo launch party. I remembered about it just before it was too late, and decided not to go because I was invited out with people on Sunday. It all balances out, y'know? But anyway, now I have to tell Mr. Special Friend that I won't be able to call him on Sunday. Hrm.
Temptation took over at 10:20 p.m.
Thursday, October 27, 2005 - Dance Till You Cannot Dance
A new acquaintance of mine called for the first time today. It was... different. There were funny moments and awkward moments and boring moments and interesting moments. He laughed a lot and said many a geeky thing. I'm not sure what to think of him. He's very nice. I am hoping that he has some sort of edge to him. I recall he said he doesn't like to drink, which made me a little sad inside. Contrary to popular belief, I don't want a perfectly happy and normal man at my side. I need a bit of edge, a bit of dysfunction, to keep me interested. And there's also that elusive issue of "chemistry" that many speak of. I'll be meeting him in person soon. Time will only tell.
It would just suck to invest all this time and money and then go our separate ways.
He's so enthusiastic about the whole thing. I wonder if he's ready for this. I know I'm not. Will that be a problem? We haven't even asked each other the vital questions. Just good ole "getting to know you" chit chat. The eagerness is a little worrying. Is it all just "Finally, I'm getting this out of the way!" for him?
And of course, there's always that unequivocal truth that haunts me at night... that no boy my parents pick out could ever bear any resemblence to what my preferences are, appearance-wise. I don't think they even consider that as a factor. It's very important, dammit!
Temptation took over at 11:59 p.m.
Monday, October 24, 2005 - Look A Dealer In The Eye
Today goes down as one of my most stressful, depressing days ever. Got to work and my boss wasn't there yet, which was Teh Suck because I needed to talk to him about my computer problems. Also, the heater in the office had decided to break down, so it was fucking freezing in there. With no sunlight streaming in through the windows, people started wearing their freezer jackets! Stupid gloomy, rainy, windy, miserable day. Eventually my boss did show up later in the day. We discussed potential damage control in case I didn't get the info on my computer back. I felt so guilty, it's my own fault for not backing up all my files. I learned my lesson, that's for sure.
Despite all the crappiness, there were good points to today. The heat eventually was fixed. Much yayness was had by me. It was nice to chat with my boss again after not seeing him for a while. One of the supervisors had his birthday today, so our HR manager had Oreo cake for him and a whole bunch of us.
And the Number One reason this day wasn't a total waste? VHMG came in for two seconds and said hi to me while he was there. And there was that extra spark of recognition in his smile. My racing heart from that exchange managed to propel me through at least 4 more hours of drudgery. I know that I'm insane for continuing to crush on the guy, but whatever. It's not like I'd ever do anything about it. He's just nice to think about, inside my head. Like Sawyer or Greg or Chase ;)
Temptation took over at 08:58 p.m.
Saturday, October 22, 2005 - Stop Playing With My Mind
Ack! It's the weekend, but I just can't relax. I'm nervous and restless. I keep thinking about how in two more days I'll be back to the grind. Back to actually doing stuff. Stuff that makes me ever so slightly uncomfortable and out of my comfort zone. My life is just the story of me being forced outside my zone of comfort. I don't care how many people say that's a good thing, that it helps a person grow and build character. I don't want to grow or build character. I'm fine the way I am. I'm so sick of all these messages you hear at school and work, about being a leader and going above and beyond, about giving 200% and getting recognition that you deserve. I don't want recognition. I don't want to be a leader. Being responsible for others scares the crap outta me.
I had an interesting dream last night. It featured several of the characters from Lost. But for some reason, instead of being stuck on an island they were residents of the jail in Prison Break. Which not only makes no sense, but I've never even seen an episode of Prison Break! But what do I care? I was snogging Jack and Sawyer most of the time ;)
Temptation took over at 12:56 p.m.
Friday, October 21, 2005 - It's A Shame To Feel So Euphoric And Weak
When I went home last weekend it was my dad who opened the door. My mom was in the shower and my sister was in the bathroom puking her guts out. So I chatted with my dad for a while. I the moment I saw him I was so startled to see how grey his hair is now. I was only gone for two weeks, but his hair has changed a lot in that time. The black is barely visible anymore. It filled me with fear and sadness that I'm unwilling to face right now.
Technology hates me lately. My iPod spazzed out on me. My work laptop totally spazzed out on me and I fear for the future. Computers at the office and the internet at home are also dying on me. What the heck is going on? Am I emitting electromagnetic waves or something?!
The paranoia is setting in, now that I am at home and attempting to do the 'home office' thing. I can't let anyone know I'm here. No answering the phone for me. No MSN for me. I'm also afraid I made the wrong decision by coming home and that my boss is gonna be displeased about the entire thing. This week has been nutsen. I'm glad it's over.
Temptation took over at 01:24 p.m.
Thursday, October 20, 2005 - And Some Days I Just Want To Hate Everything
Ah fuck! My hormones are fucking out of wack! And now I've completely broken out. My poor face! Dumbass hormones can't even recognize that I haven't been a teenager for 5 years now...
Also, people are stupid and at some times infuriating. Taking responsibility for the well-being of people, no matter how stubborn or unhelpful, is serious business. At least I think it is.
I think I am going to treat everyone in the plant to Timmy's tomorrow. Because I need to score some brownie points that way. Maybe VHMG will make a cameo appearance. That would make my day. I'm looking so good. And my fingernails are freshly painted and awesome.
Wow, 8:30 PM and I'm already tired. Pathetic.
Temptation took over at 08:16 p.m.
Friday, October 14, 2005 - You And Me Are Drifting Into Outer Space
Back home now. So very happy. A little part of me (okay a BIG part of me) is giggling with anticipation; on Monday I may be reunited with VHMG. Who is really no longer VHMG, but has a Real Name like Real Boys do. Aw, who am I kidding? Hanging out with him then was a fluke. A deviation. It'll never happen again. *deep breath* Right. I have to remember... I still have a good 2 years ahead of me.
Music is an awesome thing.
Temptation took over at 09:05 p.m.
Sunday, October 2, 2005 - Dus Bahaane Karke Le Gayi Dil
I don't know what to do with myself. I wish there was a way to prevent my hormones from going nuts. I'm not even a teenager anymore. I'm in my mid-20s. Yet, I'm find myself falling into lust more often than ever. And it's not even with the right people. What's wrong with me?!
He's just another boy in the endless line of crushes I've had. One more template for fantasy material. I know I live my life with an upstanding moral code, but inside my head that all disappears. Anything goes in there. Maybe it's to compensate for how uncontroversial my life is? A pretty girl once told me, in reference to the personal issues and failings each person has, that "once you find someone, all those things go away." I think she was lying. Or naive.
Evolution-wise, I wonder why an attractive person makes us do the things that we do. When he's outside taking a smoke break, why do I stare at his body? Why do I do illogical things? I think it's my inexperience. It's not often that I have the opportunity to interact with someone who is both friendly with me and who I am attracted to. I guess I do need a [boyfriend] to keep myself from acting like an idiot.
Temptation took over at 05:23 p.m.
Sunday, October 2, 2005 - I Like Hammering Nails and Speaking In Tongues
I'm back from the dead! It's been a while. New layout though! I love Fuuma and all his fucked-up-ness.
I will be gone for 2 weeks, perks of business and all that. I can't believe it's finally time for me to travel, that the OHS conference is over. It was crazy-awesome. I haven't felt this way since, well... not that long ago ;)
Temptation took over at 02:09 p.m.