 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Sunday, April 24, 2005 - I Never Stopped To Feel This Vibration
One more thing: you know what scares me? The thought of having children WITH children. I think about kids sometimes but I had forgotten that eventually they grow up. It's wild, imagining a fully grown adult that's a product of my upbringing and is raising a child of their own. And imagine how OLD I'll be when that happens! It's crazy.
Life is going to be long.
~ Temptation took over at 01:34 a.m.
Sunday, April 24, 2005 - A Friend Who Bleeds Is Better
Ever have one of those times where you're doing really well at a video game and you're going further than you ever have... but you're really tired and want to stop? But you can't, because you're doing SO WELL? Yeah, had that problem today playing Bewjeweled 2. I was so tired and practically screamed "WHY ARE YOU DOING SO WELL?!" at myself.
God, it's almost over. I can't wait. I have a job interview on Monday at a hospital. I really want to work in the health care sector. But if I get the job I'll have to start work immediately. No relaxing after exams for me. Which sucks, but I think it'll be worth it. And from the job description I think I'll be able to do all the stuff required :) *crosses fingers*
~ Temptation took over at 01:26 a.m.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 - We Fall Deeper Into The Sound
I've been at home for so long, away from socialization, and readying myself to graduate. So much that I was startled to see my classmates today for our last class. I'm already letting you go. The bonds between us are tenuous. Absence, in this case, makes the heart forget. And neither sitting with That Boy or This Boy makes a flutter. A life devoid of magnetic irrationality. All things were good at that point. Sun shining, last day of school, final structured moments. I was doodling a lot during the presentations, wishing I was an artist. Colour is master magician.
The city is going to give me an ulcer. I need to get out. The suburbs are where my heart lies. I booked my tickets to London and Paris; it's only a matter of time now.
I went home as fast as I could so I watch House MD. It was good. Emotional. But as I was making dinner my entire pot of black-eyed bean stew upturned on the floor. I'm not one to cry over spilt milk, and I didn't cry this time either. But now I have no food and no dishes and I'm hungry and my hands smell like beans and potatoes. So the greatness of my show and the wretchedness of my food compounded into mental unbalance. I'm drowning in emotion. Esctacy and woe.
Ugh. I'm going to wash my hands before I kill something. And then I'll have to eat something. More time being wasted. I can't wait till this is all over. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared of the city. Maybe I shouldn't be so scared of being hurt or being killed. I'm always saying how hopeless things are. I guess the difference is potential.
I suddenly see where my mom is coming from when she says she wants to die when she's 65. It's selfish, but who am I to object? I'm not exactly a modicum of sacrifice.
~ Temptation took over at 10:07 p.m.
Friday, April 8, 2005 - Did The Songs Remind You Of My Smile?
Crap, the TTC is going on strike next week. And I have exams to go to! I've got a few options. I could hitch rides with Jodi as she makes her way over from Hamilton. I could hitch rides with Kavita and her husband because they live close-by. I could walk. Or if my parents bring me my bike, I could bike down there. I'm just worried about having it stolen... because that's the sort of thing that happens in this fair city.
Way back when, after the mining trip, when I said that I would never like That Boy again... I was right. I don't. Things are way better between us now. We're not as close as we used to be, but I think that's a good thing. We're friends, but with a sort of detachment in the relationship. He's organizing the Grad Dinner at the end of the year and keeps trying to convince a lot of us to go. I want to, mostly because drinking and socializing is something I don't get to do a lot. I want some other cool people (aka friends of mine) to come as well. It won't be fun if it's just the regulars, Don and his court. They ARE nice enough, but they make me uncomfortable. As my "fakest smile in the world" to Tony evidenced. Ugh. I have severe social issues.
I might end up going to London/Paris sooner than expected. That would be awesome. I'm so excited about going! I can't wait.
I've got to go take out the garbage now. Man, I am such a procrastinator...
~ Temptation took over at 03:45 p.m.
Saturday, April 2, 2005 - I Can See It In Your Eyes
Life has been busy. I can't believe it's only ten thirty at night. Feels much later. I'm not feeling that great right now. Crappy monthly visit and all. Bah.
I had a lot of things I wanted to say, but I'm suddenly tired and don't want to say anything much.
I've been diving into various fandoms lately... like House, Hitch-hicker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Battlestar Galactica. Woe, for I may get in over my head once exams roll around.
I know I say things like "love is scary" a lot. That kind of emotion and irrationality is not to be taken lightly. Maybe that's why so many people are into shipping. If I am consumed with t00by love for [Harry/Draco][House/Cameron][Boone/Shannon], it's like a safe outlet for those crazy feelings that can wreck so much havoc.
I can't wait till school is over. I was thinking last night about my future. I can't believe that someday I'll be married and on my honeymoon. The concept of having children I have no problem with. But a husband seems weird. A boyfriend isn't too bad, it's the whole husband thing. I like my space and sharing it with someone at an intimate level will be hard.
~ Temptation took over at 10:27 p.m.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - Passive Aggressive Bullshit
I was talking to some of the guys in class today, and I mentioned how I was glad to be finishing school, because I hated school. Then I added that at the same time, I hated the thought of working day in and day out. One of them countered that one should "work to live", meaning that you work in order to make enough money to do the things you really love. He was looking forward to earning a paycheck that he could put towards canoe and camping trips up north, having occasional time off to do the things he loves to do. I was so struck by his statement that I actually wrote that down: work to live. You know what I want to do with my time outside work? Sleep. And maybe take breaks to watch TV. I don't think I'm actually living for anything. As an individual, I have no purpose.
The same guy was also telling me how he met his current girlfriend. He's an avid outdoors fan and is a senior consellor at a camp up north. He met his girlfriend there one year when she was an intern. He was saying how great it was to meet girls at places like that, because he came in with the knowledge that they'd have similar interests to him, most notably a love of the outdoors. You know what my interests are? The internet. Not exactly something you can share with another person. Unless you're talking about Homestarrunner.Com or something. *sigh*
I guess it all boils down to not being able to meet anyone with similar interests to me. I used to joke that I would be the first out of my friends to end up like Bridget Jones, dying alone while my dead carcass is eaten by wild dogs.
Before falling asleep my mind used to drift through wild and sweet fantasies about finding the perfect love. Now I find my mind wandering through cases of betreyal and my subsequently violent retribution. The second scenerio is just more realistic these days.
And BAH! I didn't get the job I was interviewed for a month ago. It's back to the drawing board for me :(
~ Temptation took over at 06:40 p.m.
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 - The Vultures Lie In Wait
I can't wait to go to sleep.
And by go to sleep, I mean lie in bed for two hours while pondering the hopelessness of life, then spending the night dreaming about colourful yet monstrous machines bent upon destroying me.
Good-night everyone.
~ Temptation took over at 01:05 a.m.
Monday, March 7, 2005 - Introduction To Loving And Leaving
I just had a really long phone conversation with Jodi about being depressed and disheartened about the future. Ever since the trip I've been unmotivated and saddened by the whole status of life. School doesn't interest me, yet leaves me feeling intimidated and stressed. It's like a bad relationship. My career prospects are not where I want them to be. Before I fall asleep, my tired mind spins images before my eyes that speak of dying alone and unloved. And night brings vivid dreams of gigantic apocalyptic machines that want to crush my very existence.
And yet, the smallest things continue to bring me happiness. I went out to the drugstore this afternoon and had a marvelous time. It was warm and sunny outside, which lifted my spirits immensely. Sometimes I look outside my window and can't believe it's winter; the illusion of warmth is that powerful lately.
My hands are dirty and my lips are chapped. But I have a new layout, so nyah.
~ Temptation took over at 12:41 a.m.