Forbidden Fruit -- Version 11 {This Day}

Monday, February 28, 2005 - The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Two days of insanity and boredom, giddy and wonderful wanting to tear my hair out or drown in my tears.

Drinking really does make things suck less. Honestly. The drive up wasn't too bad. We watched All About Polly or whatever that crap movie is called. It was dumb, but amused us for the time being. Already, battlelines were being drawn. Tone was being set. Tara was screeching about seeing deer. Rob wouldn't leave the bus driver alone. Carla was being a diva. Don was being antisocial. Brad was being... Brad. I was mostly worried that my three closest friends didn't show up for the trip. Who was I to room with? Rosemary asked me rather quickly; she's that kinda girl. I smiled and said yes while my spirits plunged.

The evening wasn't too bad. Our room was close to good people, and likely near the Designated Party Room (albeit, further from Teh Boys). We went out for dinner sans four party poopers (I'm so glad I didn't join them) which was pretty fly. But slowly yet surely a depressing awareness was spreading over me: I didn't click with any of these people, not really. Not even Wayne, dammit!

Night brought the promise of more alcohol, cards and the Oscars to keep us all busy. I was drinking straight whisky and liquour, yet I never got past any more than a slight buzz. It was totally balls. WTF is the point of drinking 15% to 33% proof alcohol if you're not gonna go bananas?! Bullshite! Fortunately, we didn't need to be smashed to have a good time. I took part in some serious pranking, which involved the stealing and secret transport of matresses. Good times were had. And bunking with Rosemary wasn't too bad.

I did not sleep well that night. Rosemary didn't quite snore, but her mouth whistled with each breath. And every now and then she would murmur something incomprehensible. Also, we made the mistake of leaving the heat on. It was TOO HOT in that room. When I finally did fall asleep I had vivid dreams about my classmates. We were back in school. Jodi and I commiserated about not having our essay done. Kavita was there, tagging along. I remember darkened classrooms teeming with strange familiarity. I remember challenging Wayne to a 50 meter footrace, Patricia and Janet suggesting I had a crush on him, and me explaining that I would if the guy was single. I remember pissing the unholy hell out of Don, infuriating him so much that he took it upon himself to destroy what measely possessions I was carrying, which filled me with both drunken power and fear... knowing that I could make him that angry... and wondering if/when he decided to snap my neck instead of my plastic ruler.

The next day, today, was when everything started to fall apart. We had a small lecture and then a visit to the mines. But the actual events are of no concern. I became increasingly depressed as the day wore on. I am an island, I thought to myself. I stand alone, mourning both my company and my solitude. It was the same stories again: I didn't know what I was doing with my life. I hated my soon-to-be permanent career. I wished I wasn't the person I was, because I made life difficult for myself simply by being me. And every fucking person was in a relationship so OMG WTF WAS WRONG WITH ME? And my classmates were beginning to piss me off, and I think it showed. 10 hours on a bus together can do that. I just spent way too much time with them. The boys were too guy-like and the girls were too girly. Fuck! Argh!

I'll never see my classmates in the same way again. Some for the better. My impressions of Akbar, Patricia and Rosemary are much better now. But a deep seeded and base hatred for That Boy has been planted in my heart. He is such a waste of a person sometimes. I would love to unleash my brother onto him. Not in a violent way, but in a Battle of Wits sort of way.

I used to wish I wasn't a girl when I was young. I don't anymore. I would have made a horrible man.

Next time: New layout! Hopefully! *nod*

~ Temptation took over at 11:51 p.m.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - I Give You All My Nights

I've just got a few things on my mind.

I met Kavita's husband yesterday. He did NOT look like what I imagined. Very young, clean-shaven, and apparently raised here. Very nice guy. Thumbs up to Kavita :)

So many people are going away for Reading Week. Sasha is going to Cancun with her boyfriend. That Boy and his best friend are going to the Dominican Republic. He's probably going to hit on every female within a meter of him and shag as many as he can get into his bed, the pervy bastard. He's gonna come back to school looking nice and tanned (hopefully) and working the crowd with tales of his numerous and overembellished sexual conquets.

Speaking of coming back to school after Reading Week, I have to come back early so that we can leave on our field trip to the mines. Everyone has grand plans to get drunk as hell and prank the instructor like nobody's business :) Tara wants to "bond" and "play fun games", to which I say "Bitch, please." That Boy and Patricia want to find a strip club, to which I am half-heartedly in favour of. I want everyone to be included in the ruckus, and I know some people may not be down with the strippers.

But before the mining trip, I have an job interview to deal with. I hope it works out well.

I downloaded this song called Pour Ton Sourire that I saw on TV. It's beautiful. I got a translation and I loved it even more after that. It's mellow and folksy, but moving at the same time. Whenever I hear it, I think of That Boy and part of me wails for being such an idiot. I can't decide whether I should move on or keep entertaining myself until we graduate in two months. I'm leaning on the side of entertainment, despite my concerns about Bad Things happening as a result.

Argh. My feet are cold. I'm gonna have a shower and take it easy.

~ Temptation took over at 09:09 p.m.

Monday, February 14, 2005 - I Hear You Calling

Addendum: I can't wait till school is over. Then I'll never have to see That Boy again. That Boy = emotional mindfuck.

~ Temptation took over at 11:03 p.m.

Monday, February 14, 2005 - Rockin' To The Rhythm

Here's my obligatory Valentine's Day post. The day didn't start off well. I woke up at 8:52 AM, and I had an exam at 9:10 AM. Needless to say, I freaked out. Threw on some clothes, grabbed my bag and my cellphone and ran out the door. I couldn't run to the subway, because freezing rain had fallen all night. Running would have led to a 100% chance of me landing on my ass. Anyway, I get to school and am pretty impressed with myself, because I'm only 15 minutes late for the exam. And I always finish 30-45 minutes early anyway. The exam went well, but this is a new professor I've got and I'm not sure how tough she is. I hear she's pretty picky. *sigh* But that's my exam story. I've never slept in for an exam before, but there's a first for everything.

Hung around with Jodi for over 4 hours, and we were bored out of our skulls. It was agonizing. We debated going home, but we had just invested too much time by then.

When we got to our last class, my friend Brad busted open a bag of chocolate bars and declared that he had brought candy for the girls. Haha, he's a sweetheart, albeit a bit flakey. But he's too funny. The chocolate made up for the mostly blah day :)

So, that was my day. There were little other things that stick in my mind. Like Steve-O offering to make-out with me because he was sick. Or That Boy being all weird with his chick friends in the presence of me and Jodi. Or... I need to stop thinking about That Boy. Or else it'll be Her all over again.

~ Temptation took over at 10:21 p.m.

Thursday, February 10, 2005 - Baby, It Hurts To Love You

This is getting pathetic. When I'm with That Boy I keep following a train of thought that reminds me of the days I spent with Her. Like, watching him talk, and mostly listening, but also thinking "I wonder what it would be like to kiss him?" Not good. Those thoughts only led me to a bad place in the past. Must... repress... illogical feelings.

Got the marks back for my Ergonomics exam already. 75%. At first I was like "Aw man, I thought I had done better." Then I thought about how much actual studying I had done and figured that I had done pretty damn fucking well for studying only the night before.

That Boy has the Violent Femmes 'Greatest Hits' album and is gonna bring it for me. I do enjoy the Violent Femmes, especially Blister In The Sun. He brought the song up, and I hadn't thought about it in such a long time. My first thought was "Oh baby, I love that song!" and my second thought was "Ugh... Keith used to tease me about liking that song." I can't believe I remember shit like that. Bastards, all of them!

~ Temptation took over at 06:18 p.m.

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 - Must Be A Full Moon...

Today was all about minimum exposure to That Boy.

I had an ergonomics exam I was terribly worried about doing well in. Things didn't start well, as I showed up late and everyone was already writing. But things picked up after that. Most of the questions pertained to things I actually knew! Excuse me while I thank God for cutting me some slack ;) Anyway, I was pretty much done in half an hour, even before That Boy... wonder of wonders! So I up and left before anyone else, huzzah! I high-tailed it out of there and chilled at the Eaton's Center for a few hours before heading back to campus for eats.

Found a few friends and chilled with them, while hearing the faint sound of That Boy laughing beyond the cafeteria partition. But I knew I wouldn't have to deal with him in class because he told me he had to miss it yesterday. So... yeah. Not much of That Boy today.

But something interesting WAS brought up. Yesterday when classes were over (and I was walking with 'my two favourite boys') I noticed my friends Jodi and Kavita were suddenly gone. I figured Kavita was giving Jodi a ride because she had access to a car. Me and the boys joked about being blacklisted and moved on. Then today Kavita said that when she and Jodi were leaving us, she wanted to call to me but Jodi told her to let me "go with Don". Which is odd considering my other friend Steve was with us too. O_O Curiouser and curiouser.

I really think Steve enjoys my company, and that makes me happy. I was with him and Sasha, and he was so reticient. But the moment she left he was a lot more animated. Teehee! He's a sweetheart.

That's enough for tonight. I have work to do.

~ Temptation took over at 09:26 p.m.

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 - The Intoxication Of Last Night Has Not Yet Left My Eyes

It's only Tuesday and That Boy is already driving me crazy. The good kind of crazy. If there even IS a good kind of crazy. It's just these little things that I reflexively react to... some random comment, a particular look, that moment when his eyes turn vibrant blue... gah, I am hopeless. I was on the subway today with That Boy and another guy friend and all I could think was "I'm taking the subway with my two favourite boys... and I have them all to myself! Mwahahahaha!" Honestly, that's just wack.

The date for our mining trip has been fixed. We leave the Sunday after Reading Week, stay the night at Sudbury, spend the day at the mines and come back Monday night. Should be interesting. Apparently, we're gonna have to share rooms. Same-sex bunking only, boohoo ;) I don't know who I'll shack with. I'd like to share a room with Sasha, even though me and Jodi are friendlier with each other. I just think it would be cool. I wouldn't mind sharing with Jodi. Or Kavita. Or most of the other girls. They're all pretty good. Besides, it's only where I'd sleep. Hmmm, maybe I should warn that I need total silence to sleep and see who fits my criteria. No teeth grinders, mumblers or snorers for me!

I have an exam tomorrow that I am totally not prepared for. I don't care, and I really should. I think That Boy and Jodi are having a bad effect on me ;)

God. So very tired.

~ Temptation took over at 11:53 p.m.

Monday, February 7, 2005 - Dreaming Of What Could Be

And now I find that my attraction to That Boy has cooled by about a billion degrees. Must have something to do with my hormones. Or maybe the fact that I hadn't gone to school for 4 days straight. Whatever. I give up. I have no clue what the hell is going on with me. We were talking about the grad dinner. Apparently he IS organizing it, because that [st00p1d h0r] Melissa and Darlene love him so much. Man, it was so strange seeing him interact with his friends last week. That Boy is totally overshadowed by his best friend in those situations. Weirdness.

It's so interesting... you can know a person for their entire life and still not have a clue why they do the things they do, or what they're feeling like during particular situations. I've known my sister since before she was born and I still can't comprehend why/how she acts the way she does sometimes.

I actually feel a lot better, mental health-wise. I don't know if it's temporary, or if it's because the days are getting longer and warmer, or maybe a combination of the two.

~ Temptation took over at 09:49 p.m.

Saturday, February 5, 2005 - The Consequences Of Challenge

I'm okay now. That Boy seems to depress me a lot. Mostly because he's a wanker and the exact opposite of what a good friend should be. I really should disassociate myself from him, but with only 10 people in some of my classes, it would be mighty impossible. As well as That Boy, I think my Seasonal Affective Disorder has worked itself into a frenzy at this point. Things will be better in a month or so.

Hanging out with the boys and getting drunk every Tuesaday night is turning into an awesome tradition :) Sometimes I'm just so happy, I want to twirl about with a wide grin plastered onto my face. Then some days I just want to throw myself down a long, dark stairwell. Preferably covered with knives. And flesh eating scarabs.

I'm having life issues. I'm not doing the right thing with my life. I'm supposed to be doing something else. I'm trying to figure out what will give me purpose. Sometimes I get scared because I'm not sure if a competitive career is something I want. I want to feel alive. Being alive means creating something from within my soul and within my heart.

~ Temptation took over at 01:37 a.m.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 - My Song

I'm too depressed to go on;
You'll be sorry when I'm gone.

~ Temptation took over at 02:27 p.m.

Thursday, January 27, 2005 - Tell Me That Your Heart Is True

I'm on an Ani Difranco kick right now, and it's making everything that much better. I love her songs, especially "32 Flavours". There's just something comforting and uplifting about her music.

For the last few days I've been dealing with minor insomnia. I have no problems falling asleep, but my brain has somehow programmed itself to wake the body up after 7 hours of sleep. It bites, especially when my intent is to sleep in. Things won't get any better this weekend, because I have a friend coming down and we plan on partying the whole time. No regrets, no regrets, no regrets...

I was having an interesting discussion with my friend "Steve". (that's his nickname, don't ask) It was about career and what we wanted from life. Suddenly I found myself expositioning the joys of being a housewife. It was bizarre, even though I have the tendancy to play devil's advocate. And after we parted ways I thought about what I had told him. I was always raised to be an independant woman. My mother always told me: "Go to university and get a good career. Then you'll never have to depend on anyone else." And while there's genuine merit in her statement, I can't help but think how beneficial it would be if my husband could support our family via his paycheck alone. I would be free to actually raise my children, something I've been doubtful about since I left high school. My mother raised her kids well. But my mother was a stay-at-home mom. How will I be able to duplicate her wonderful results?

Aside from being able to pay more attention to my kids (desi style, hahaha), I would be free to pursue any creative whims of mine. I could try out web-design. I could write a novel. I could do graphic art. The possibilities are endless. Or maybe that's just my optimism speaking.

That Boy was really pissing me off today. It actually started yesterday. My name on yesterday was about being more than the sum of one's parts. He messaged me with the equivalent of "Yeah, well not THAT much more. Don't get cocky, kid." I did not like that, no siree. And then today he snapped at me for adding my two cents, a passive-aggressive "I wasn't talking to YOU. STFU n00b." It didn't help that the instructor was praising and playing favourite and catering to That Boy all through class. It was disgusting. I really don't like that instructor now. Before, I was just borderline.

~ Temptation took over at 10:44 p.m.

Monday, January 17, 2005 - This Is Not A Love Song

I just saw Finding Nemo! It was pretty spectacular. There were some cool themes you don't usually see in kids' movies, as well as a lot of hilarious lines. But I wish I hadn't read that Finding Nemo slash so many months ago, because the moment Gill came onscreen I was all "Ooooh, so this is the ~~guy~~ fish, huh?". SO. VERY. WRONG! And I was totally reading some not so subtle romance into the Marlin-Dory front. My brain... I cannot control her.

I'm reading this book for my Communicable Diseases class called The Fourth Horseman. It is kickass, fo' real yo. It's so amazing to see how infectious diseases have shaped the world into the one we live in today. There are so many events that people have (in the past) attributed to military superiority, racism, or the wrath of God, when in actuality they were caused by disease. Humans never fully conceptualize the weight these microorganisms play in the history of our civilizations. When I was reading the section on smallpox and how it nearly wiped out the great Amerindian cultures of the New World, I was almost moved to tears. That so many people had to die... and that so many of the conquerors had no sympathy for these multitudes of dying civilizations... it just reminds me why I can't wait until the human race is put back in it's place for abusing everything. But the worst part about the destuction of the Amerindian populations is that it was inevitable. I think I'll finish the book tonight. I was discussing the novel with That Boy and some other friends in class. I was telling how awesome it was, how it moved me, and some of the issues it brought up. Yet I still felt so inadequate and superficial, like I was some pop-princess saying "Omigosh, so many people, like, died! From, like, these nasty-ass diseases! Like, gross!". Even though I totally wasn't saying that. It's what I felt like. Sometimes I feel like my opinions aren't valid.

I was alone at school today, mostly. My friends didn't show up today. And although I was productive with my time, I still had a moment of self-loathing when I walked into the cafeteria and saw two different tables filled with people I talked to in class... but I couldn't go over and join them. I didn't have someone to lead the way, like Jodi or Sasha. At that moment when I turned and sat at a table by myself, I hated being so afraid of rejection. I am so scarred and I didn't even realize the actions of people I knew over a decade ago still influence my social interactions.

As I was leaving class today, I was walking with That Boy and another guy friend. Out of the blue That Boy mentioned having a girlfriend last year who lived in residence. And the way the rest of the conversation went made me assume that he still has a girlfriend, but she just doesn't live in residence now. Me = stupid. But that's not what bothered me. What bothered me was the "Aaaah... girlfriends." chat That Boy had with my other friend after, while I walked behind them and fumed. I'm gonna soak my sorrows in music now...

~ Temptation took over at 10:21 p.m.

Friday, January 14, 2005 - Your Hand In My Pocket

I have been one of two mood lately: horny or suicidal. Strangely enough, they feel quite similar, mostly because 'horny' and 'suicidal' are the closest words in the English language to express what I've been feeling. Not exactly 'horny', but somewhere between 'giddy with romantic love that does not exist' and 'nervous'. Not exactly 'suicidal', but somewhere between 'relieved', 'anticipatory' and 'wanting to cease my existence'. But in any case, I've been a little out of it. I'm either daydreaming about lust or going completely unresponsive and zen-like.

My best friends from high school are coming to visit tomorrow. We are going out for Thai food, and then they are coming back to my place for movies, popcorn, and catching up all night. Squee! I can't wait to see them :) It's been a long time, and I need to vent to someone closer than my classmates.

~ Temptation took over at 01:04 a.m.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 - Left Here To Linger In Silence

Last night was messed up, because I was attempting to sleep while caffiene raced through my system. My eyes were wide open staring at the ceiling, my palms were sweating, and my teeth were feeling hypersensitive. I was freaked the hell out of my mind and having a moment of existential doubt that clouded my thoughts for the next 24 hours. I was feeling dejected about everything: school, friends, career, love... it was not fun. I made up a crappy poem in my head while I was lying their, bitter and depressed.

It's too ripe and too raw
Back away, I can't take a bite
I don't want my head on your shoulder
I don't want your lips on mine
You're burning me to pieces
I need to escape
And let the angels carry me above the clouds

Heh, yeah that really does suck. Lying in bed, I also came up with a mental checklist for some behaviour changes I wanted to make the next morning. "Don't laugh too loudly, don't complain, don't gossip, don't be snarky or sarcastic, don't be scarily enthusiastic. Smile, be cheerful, be positive, be helpful." As it turned out, today was anything BUT what I planned. Today was Bitch-Fest 2005: RyeHigh And All Related Components Suck Ass. Twas actually quite awesome to do nothing but rant all day about various points of interest. Like this one girl in our class who uses everyone. Or how ashamed we all feel when we tell people we go to RyeHigh. Or how utterly stupid some people in our class are. Or what idiots/jackasses some instructors are. So much for positivity. And despite this all, I love the experience in equal parts. It's just that my overwhelming joy and thankfulness is at times balanced by overwhelming confusion, uncertainty and pessimism.

I was thinking that parts of the song Breathless by Shankar Mahadevan related to how I feel right now, on a metaphorical level. When I met someone, it seemed to me that a season of songs, a rain shower of colors pervaded my whole world; the whole atmosphere now scented by a whirlwind of fragrance, all the breezes now staggering drunkenly, and someone in every direction, every element. All the world's ways were altered. Now, my days, my nights, in them is only pleading and in them is only talk of the pain of grief and cries for help. Now I have nothing; just myself and the memories of love... Wah, so emo. It's hard to believe that such a song could be so beautiful when you look solely at the lyrics.

In conclusion, Lost tonight was incredibly awesome.

~ Temptation took over at 10:28 p.m.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 - The Chill In Your Embrace

Hey man, when I said soon, I meant SOON. Yes, layout change. I'm loving it.

~ Temptation took over at 11:52 p.m.

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