Lumpypup says: "SIGN YO POSTS, BEEEEATCH!"

Monday, May 7, 2001 10:50 a.m.

HOW TO TRAVEL TO NUNO & REY'S HOUSE USING BROOKLYN CAR SERVICES

STEP 1: GETTING THERE

Step into very dodgy car that has no stickers, antenna or signage that suggests an "OFFICIAL" car service.
INHALE rank aroma of driver with Buffalo Bills jacket on (tight) - scents include stale cigars, evolved perspiration, possible fecal matter of several species.
Let car driver insist that Washington Street is not where you have pointed it out. Instead, take casual drive to East New York. Observe Bedford Avenue.
Start gently hyperventilating, imagining this is your death ride. Grab hold of liquor bottle in your purse, ready to crack over simian drivers head.
Driver realizes mistake, eventually makes U-turn on Atlantic and finds Cambridge. Hurray!

STEP TWO: GETTING HOME

Ask Nuno to call 1st cab company. Wait for 20 minutes. Watch Nuno try to call company again, only to realize he has phoned your Irish boyfriend asking "where the hell is our cab?"

Stake lookout by apartment window. Watch "Psycho Beach Party" at same time. Enjoy the movie.

After 40 minutes of waiting, you will see a Town Car pass by and slow down. Assume this is your car. Say goodbye to everyone present, hug and kiss all. Leave apartment and see that car is obviously lost waiting down the end of Greene Ave. Run VERY quickly waving arms and screaming "Wait for me!" excitedly. Get into Town Car, ask to go to Atlantic between Bond & Nevins. Driver says his ride is going to Queens. He is waiting # 9 Cambridge. Leave car dejectedly, ring Nuno & Rey's bell. Have small polite laugh over mistake.

After 15 minutes, look outside and see another Town Car in front of house. Repeat hugs, kisses and goodbyes. Get into Town Car, ask to go to Atlantic between Bond & Nevins. Driver says his ride is going to Manhattan. He is waiting for # 35 Cambridge. Leave car dejectedly, ring Nuno & Rey's bell. Have bitter laugh at bad luck.

After 15 more minutes, car comes. Get in. Smile. You get to go home listening to R. Kelly. Kiss Boyfriend Hello!

Friday, May 4, 2001 06:31 p.m.

How about Lady Bird Johnsoned? GirLena

Friday, May 4, 2001 02:25 p.m.

Bitch-poked IS PERFECT!
(any other suggestions?)

Friday, May 4, 2001 02:16 p.m.

Bitch-poked. At least that's how the Mr. asks for it. -The Mrs.

Friday, May 4, 2001 12:19 p.m.

If you get the chance, go check out Brian Duggan's band, Jake's Magic Pouch. They were in NYC last night and noone could stop dancing. Great tunes, Bri! (Best part too: Brian is doing some keyboard work!) Send them an email & find out when they'll be in your neck of the woods.
A Very Satisfied Customer

Thursday, May 3, 2001 06:32 p.m.

A good question, courtesy of Savage Love:

"Q: Probably my favorite sex act is to be fucked by a woman wearing a strap-on. Every other sex act under the sun, from blowjobs to facials to scat, has a catchy one-word name--but not a man getting fucked in the ass by a woman wearing a strap-on. Could you come up with a name for this activity, if only for the sake of those of us who place ads in the personals?
Straight Boys Have Prostates Too

A: I was unable to come up with a single word that adequately captured the patriarchy-shattering nuances of a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on. Hopefully someone out there reading this--anyone know where Rich Hall is these days?--can help you out, SBHPT."

Whaddya say, Lumpskateers? Suggestions, anyone?
(N)

Thursday, May 3, 2001 01:47 p.m.

You know how they say your life flashes in front of you before you die? I'm wondering if my time is coming up...
Every time I step outside here at work, I see somebody I knew a long, long time ago. One of my best friends from high school who I dropped out of touch with in college works across the street from me. We ran into each other one day last year while we were both taking a cigarette break. At the beginning of the week, I ran into some guy I knew in law school. Today, I walked past this guy I was in the Boy Scouts with.
Seeing each of these people, I think of who I was & the things I did back then. My life IS flashing before my eyes.
Gnu "Gotta Go Soon?" No.

Thursday, May 3, 2001 11:12 a.m.

Was it Lumpy's fault? Did the Satan's Spring theme scare Spring away? Why did we go right from 30 degrees & snowing in April to 90 degrees & baking in May? And why is my underwear itchy today?
-Crusty Down South

Wednesday, May 2, 2001

Today's Boondocks is right on: What the hell is up with a new Crocodile Dundee movie? What were those movie execs thinking? Only explanation I can offer is the whole '80s nostalgia that's going around. But, c'mon now, Beverly Hills Cop 4 would've made more sense. Not much, but we are talking relative sense here. For some laughs, check out this collection of Dundee movie reviews ("The most unwelcome comeback since anthrax.")
Gnu "Siskel Ate My Lunch" No.

Tuesday, May 1, 2001 04:31 p.m.

Happy birthday, Buddha. How old are you anyway? EBS.

Tuesday, May 1, 2001 11:32 a.m.

Having gone camping shopping with the Eramos, we witnessed what it's like to find active clothing for pregnant women. Close to impossible. The wardrobe choices are all made by Superfat Man Clothing, Inc. Interesting that no company has stepped into this market yet. The days of 9 months of laying down are over (did they ever exist anyway?). Here's a story about the current governor of Massachusetts: in her 30's, has a 2-year old at home, is 7 months into her pregnancy (expecting twins) and commutes each day 3-4 hrs each way from the Berkshires to Boston for work. (Then again, that's just not right either...)
(n)

Tuesday, May 1, 2001 10:47 a.m.

May Day: the Nortons have left the building.

Monday, April 30, 2001 05:45 p.m.

That's it--in about 17 hours or so, the Nortons set off for the Great American Road Trip. It was great seeing them last night (much thanks to Doc & Libby who hosted a terrific Sopranos/Bravos evening). Good luck, you guys--we'll be missing you.
(n.)

Friday, April 27, 2001 02:11 p.m.

testing, testing!
Girlena

Friday, April 27, 2001 01:16 p.m.

Business Plan # 136: Margaritas on demand! You call/email in your order (sauza commemorativo, cointreau, splash of fresh lime juice, on the rocks, with salt) & FLASH! our margarita bar trolley appears at your doorstep. Before you can say "Come on in, margarita boy--the tip is in the bedroom," a luscious, refreshing perfect margarita is placed in your hands. I'm on it.
Nuno Jose Miguel Cuervo Santos

Miller time, xoxoxo

Ever have one of those days?
*Caution: Rated X by the Ladies Oatmeal Association for the Preservation of Lumpy (Brooklyn chapter).

Wednesday, April 25, 2001 11:00 a.m.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling this Occult-Spring-theme.

Maybe it has to do with the back spasm I had on the way to work yesterday morning (ok, ok, get all the "spaz" jokes out of your system). I was walking up the subway steps & all of the sudden, I couldn't move my back & I couldn't breathe. Slowly, I walked the rest of the way to work & called my doctor. His explanation: a muscle spasm right next to my right lung. Think of a lung-cramp: your muscle is wound tight in a knot so when you breathe, your lung can't expand properly. Supposedly this happens all the time to pregnant women (sorry, Beaner). I'm currently awaiting the results of my pregnacy test. Cross those fingers, kids; I've been taking fertility pills, so I'm hoping for septuplets.

So what does one do for Satan's Spring? Why not host a death metal party? You can choose your music from bands such as The Badly Decomposed, Chronic Infection (described as "death/grind from Mexico"--we know all about those chronic death/grind Mexican infections), Circle of Dead Children, Fetus Aftermath, My Dying Bride...so many hits, so little time.

However, as Doc himself has repeatedly urged, why not have a Swedish death metal party? ("From 1987-1993 a powerful subset of the death metal scene flourished in Sweden, thanks to a comfortingly depressing climate, public funding and a society able to tolerate such nihilistic music") Or maybe just Swedish metal? I defer to Lumpy's resident Swedish authority, Liza-Øresunds-Blue-Larsson.

Rock on.
Gnu "The Badly Decomposed Fetus Bride" No.

PS: Remember people, don't hesitate to play around with the site design. It's all about flux. Just remember to archive the site before any major construction.