Leaving.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Leaving.
So i woke up today...what i'm leaving behind is painful and incredible all at the same time... It hurts so bad to stay and it hurts to leave to... I dunno how i am gonna do this... but I am. plain and simple... so room for error... i think this song pretty much captures how i feel right now so here ya go.........
Packing my bags this morning
Was the hardest thing to do.
But packing my bags was so easy
Compared to standing outside your door
Right now to say goodbye to you.
Think of me.
I know you’ve never seen me cry.
Think of me.
But it’s so hard to say goodbye.
Think of me.
What can I say to show you
I’ll never give up on you,
I will be waiting for you.
I know that it feels like leavin’
Is a part of letting go.
But I’m prayin’ with hope and believin’
That I’ll see you once again down this road...
I hope that it won’t be long!
Think of me.
I know God brought you as a friend.
Think of me.
I know He’ll bring you back again!
Think of me.
What can I say to show you
I’ll never give up on you,
I will be waiting for you?
I will be there when you call.
I will see you through it all;
And even in your darkest hour,
I pray that the Lord we found
Will set you on solid ground.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
What is goin on here... you lead me on... you get me so close to the edge then u push me off and run?.... is that how this whole thing works... I'm so tired of waiting... waiting for you to make a move... waiting for you to reject me... waiting for you to drag me down.... to push me off that edge... waiting for me to ask... i get the message ur an elusive guy... the kind who only wants me at his own convience... can't there be some other way... or does it have to be your way... do i dare take chances... no...why on earth would i put my heart on the line for a bigger smashing...when u already destroyed it... my heart only sees what it wants to... u aren't what it sees... you aren't romantic...you aren't trustworthy... you aren't gentle ... you aren't a good man... you aren't what's best for me.... you aren't what i need... but somedays u are who i love... it breaks my soul that fate wasted so much time pushing me to u in vain... fate is all i have left now... fate goin nowhere... it should have deserted me when u did... there is no hope for us... altho part of me still believes in you... i can't resist you... so i'll run... run like i always do... until you catch up to me and i let you and all the pain you bring back in my life... you are the worst hope of life.... you bring the kind of hope that destroys... breaks hearts...breaks souls... breaks me... you are my breaking hope... the bringer of destruction the demolition of all my dreams...you are the reason i'll never be happy...i'll never be content... you are the reason people regret... you are the reason i wonder... what if...just what if... i wish i could say this is the last time you will break me or hurt me... but i am still here and so are you... until one of us is gone my soul is forever condemned to awaken the past and fill with hope... hope that is false... hope that kills... and spreads through my life like wildfire... but don't u worry ... rest assured that when u and ur hope knock on my door i'll let u right back in again... i am that pathetic... truly pathetic.
What I Really meant to say
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
What I Really meant to say
I wish i could just say what i meant and not be afraid of what you'll do............................................
It took me by surprise,
When I saw you standing there,
Close enough to touch,
Breathing the same air,
You asked me how I'd been,
I guess that's when I smiled and said 'just fine',
Oh, but baby I was lying.
And as you walked away,
The echo of my words,
Cut just like a knife,
Cut so deep it hurt,
I held back the tears,
Held on to my pride and watched you go,
I wonder if you ll ever know...
What I really meant to say,
Is that I'm dying here inside,
And I miss you more each day,
There's not a night I haven't cried,
And baby here's the truth,
I'm still in love with you.
What I really meant to say,
Is that I'm really not that strong,
No matter how I try,
I'm still holding on,
And here's the honest truth,
I'm still in love with you.....
That's what I really meant to say.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
I'm fightin and i'm losin it. So I have given up. Yeppers like Melissa i surrended myself to fate...he knows where to find me he can show up there. I am starting new. I am leaving so what do i have to lose... I love you...there i said it...i'm not really sure who it's for yet. I wanted to be loved so much... and all i got was pain. I'm so afraid... that's right... afraid to be alone. I only know what i feel... and for the first time words aren't gonna cut it... stuff like this is expressed via tears... or sometimes hate... but i can't hate...believe me i've tried. I guess i just want it all... i'm tired of this crap. I want the fairytale... i'm gonna be here forever till prince charming shows up. I am just so messed up that i can't carry on... i am putting everything on hold and tossing it out the window...my heart has no room. Let's make a toast... here's to me and mel...2 girls who have given up on men... on romance... on love... we can't wait for the inevitable hurting anymore... so here's to us... and the false hope that someday... somewhere ...someone may prove us wrong.
Taking Risks
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Taking Risks
I have learned so much in the past week and all by taking risks. That's right i took risks... wow... who thought... first of all... i reopened parts of my life that i thought i wanted. I am now actively seeking for some boy out there that has compassion and the ability to understand me and i find myself back where i started always with my heart longing for the same three guys. Well i got news for myself... wanting them, thinking about them, hoping for them and having expectations from them makes me more and more miserable. My heart belongs to three people who like the rest of the world are inevitably to let me down. To leave me broken, to make false promises, to trick me into spending the night alone. This is how it is... it's like tasting something bitter and getting sick but then goin back for more with an empty place... all of these (so-called) men have started fires in my heart but none of them stay long enough to put that fire out... heck i would even like closure if it was flat out rejection or hate but nope... to no avail... the fire keeps burning. i use all my hope and all my energy to put it out... but it burns and consumes me... killing parts of me... inviting hate, isolation, loneliness and desolation into my heart. And now i get to start again... and after i had tried so hard and made it so far. But no more goofing around... i'm leavin in less than 2 months and i really don't have time for this... so if you are reading this and you think its about you then for the love of God please do something about it. This is just a girl telling you she loves you. IF you are curious, like her or love her back LET HER KNOW! She's tired of waiting. ( here's an inside hint...click on the link "my poems"... at the top right hand corner of this page... if u can relate to them or think they are about u then heads up for this one THEY PROBABLY ARE!) anyways...this is me takin crazy risks again too... but lets move on to risks that have turned out positively for me. I picked a university that i had never been to ... in a place i had never been to. I just guessed... this uni doesn't have a shitload of state of art crap... it is only 11 years old and it doesn't have the reputation like some other universities i was accepted to. But i chose it anyways...based on feeling. I went to see it on Friday. ANd lemme tell u it is perfect for me.PERFECT, i love it. I have no doubts that i will be happy there. I guess i've learned that a risk can pay off or it can cost you ...but i'm willing to take these risks... some things you will never know unless you take the risk... that's why i wrote this... if you never read this than fine... if you read this and never talk to me again or avoid me then fine... if you read this and take the "guy's way out" and pretend u never saw it then thats fine too...but if you read it and answer me ...whether it is what i want to hear or not than THANK YOU... thank you so much...i am content just knowing i made some sort of effort and at least admitted my feelings to myself and others who are capable of being real ( with a few exceptions)... I love you all. Love and Live... we don't have much time together and yet you never call... whats up with that...maybe ur trying to make my transition easier... maybe you forgot me... maybe ur busy... its cool... but really i am here. Think of me... I think of you. Peace out! Sweet dreams goodnight.
What kind of kiss was I?
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
What kind of kiss was I?
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
worthless day, worthless me.
Monday, July 14, 2003
worthless day, worthless me.
Well i wish i could say that u were here for me right now but its just as well that u aren't... i am and deserve to be alone...I will keep swallowing my tears...as long as you don't see me break down i'm still strong right...yep i'm the rock... nothing wears me down...I sit here and i cry... truth is i haven't dealt yet...haven't had the chance...i can't stop the tears now... they won't stop... get me out of here... i can't do this... no no no no no no no no no no no no no...NO MORE...No more . no more... i'm out.
Why wait right?
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Why wait right?
Haven't you heard the game plan?.... Jo is leaving for Northbay and Melis is movin into town... no here's the plan... to make them feel like crap... we're gonna not call em... not talk to em while they are like feet away from us... we're gonna get lost in our own little world so they can't reach us or possibly understand us. Ooooh oooooh how about we shut down and disregard everything they say with a non-chalant shrug of our shoulders and make them look stupid and feel stupid as well. Sound good?
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Well Well Well. Wow...u remembered i was here... i thought u had forgot about me...its been so long since you sought me... i was tired of lookin for you. You are kinda like the ocean tides only they are more reliable than u. U move in and you move out... I either drown or i thirst will there ever be a balance?... i know there won't. I am gonns level with you... not that u really care enough to want an explanation anyways... I am angry ... angry, angry , angry. With so much right now and that includes you. Sometimes i think i want to much ...do i expect too much out of people...the occasional call....oh wait you do that...whenever you want something... u always have alterior motives...you never just miss me... U miss things i can do for you.... ways i can help you...U have no compassion... why love others when u can whine about how bad ur own life is and feel sorry for yourself right... u make me sick!!! Is everything ok in your own little world...thats good cuz i would hate to think that there's somethin i could be doin for you....i'll just sit here on the edge of my seat and wait for you to call... I'll just wait for you to act...I'm so tired of being pushed to the back burner...every aspect of my life recieves the same treatment... What's that...it's blatently obvious i like you and what are you doing...nothing?....Oh i see... well those are great accomplishments... they are getting us far aren't they.... I'm so tired ...I'm giving up I'm tired of makin all the efforts... I'm tired... I'm not giving up I'm resting... resting and praying that what i need so badly will find me. I love you.
Sunday, July 6, 2003
Ok well yeah. So I've come to a few conclusions. I hate life. I hate death. But in death you would no longer have pain so it's my fave right now. If i were dead i would feel no loss. And lemme tell u I am lost. I am the loneliest i have ever been. My family is horribly distant. My best friend in the whole world isn't even here for me to hold because I lost her already. And the friends i have left don't know me very well... but that's ok... except i need to say what i feel. If it offends you or you think my feelings are unjustified than too bad... oooh how are you gonna show ur dissapointment in me ... by not calling, by dissapearing? ( oh wait u guys already did that long ago).... In case you don't me and for the last 5 or more years you have been somewhere else, i have been lying to myslef I am not fucking ok... i am not even close to it. I resent you for being happy for talkin about death in my presence. i resent you for not caring for acting like me. I can pretend everything is ok but it's not. I want to thank Jon and Melissa and Liz for understanding that that's how i work. I act strong... it's a big front... so feel assured that as you drank your drinks , watched your movies, talked about death openly in my presence, made jokes, insulted me and ignored me, i was falling apart more than i ever have before... i have come to 2 conclusions... #1 i plan to keep running from my pain as I don't know what else to do. #2 You aren't the friends I thought i had. If we switched places (and as i recall there were times that we were in similar situations)i would have treated you differently than u treated me. This is how i feel and if you don't like it i really don't care... write me a nasty guestbook message, bitch at me, hate me, cut me out of your life, help me run, i could never have gotten this far without your help . You don't know me anymore but I love with all my heart.
Tears
Thursday, July 3, 2003
Tears
I dunno what to write so here are my thoughts as I sit here with the tears streamin down my face… I have no hope left I am broken. I was on the phone the doorbell rang, I answered the door and there stood aunty Barb. She stood there and looked at me… she asked for my mother… “mom went grocery shopping” I told her. She looked at me again she tilted her head and said “when she gets home I need you to tell her her father has passes away”. She just looked at me and said that. Then she turned around and got back in her minivan. I can’t really express the thoughts that are going through my head. All I can think is I can’t do this. You can’t tell a woman her father died. You can’t tell your mother that. Then the tears come. Tears of loss. Tears because you can remember times with your grandfather and you know that they’re all you have now. Tears because you hurt. Tears because your mother will be devasted. Tears for Grandma and how much the tears she’s crying hurt her. Tears for all seven of my grandfather’s children. Tears because I can’t do this. I really can’t do this. I need help. Tears because the rest of the world is goin on without an amazing man. Tears because no one seems to be listening and no one seems to care. Tears because you don’t need a reason to be angry with God. Tears, just Tears because they are all you can do right now.
Don't Stay
Wednesday, July 2, 2003
Don't Stay
Upon listenin to the New Linkin Park Cd i found a few gem tracks.... We all know who this song is about but i thought u guys might like the lyrics too!!! The song is Don't Stay.
........
Sometimes I need to remember just to breathe/
Sometimes I need you to stay away from me/
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know/
Somehow I need you to go//
Don’t stay/
Forget our memories/
Forget our possibilities/
What you were changing me into/
Just give me myself back and/
Don’t stay/
Forget our memories/
Forget our possibilities/
Take all your faithlessness with you/
Just give me myself back and/
Don’t stay//
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well/
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself/
Sometimes I’m in disbelief I didn’t know/
Somehow I need to be alone//
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored/
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away/
I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want to be ignored/
I don’t need one more day of you wasting me away/
With no apologies//..................... Woooo hooo guys! I took myself back. Yes! I can't believe the time i wasted keeping my soul in mourning. I win this time. I was fighting with myself, not him. I'm letting go and never looking back.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Well I am finished Highschool and I sit here thinking.... gee Jo what is it that you want?.... the answer is I want it all... There are so many parts to me... Part of me wants to just be frisky and let it all go... Nothing ventured nothing gained right?... The artistic side of me is caught so easily by passion... but then there's the other side... The hopeless romantic part of me wants the fairytale... the part where I am totally loyal and obedient to one guy and in return he loves me. Yeah right... dream on Jo! I know...i know ...pinch me so I wake up. I feel really alone on a new level today... it's got me quite distraught... I think i just need to cuddle or hug someone or be held... To be honest I crave it. Want it...need it. Is it a crime to want to feel wanted and loved... it sure is getting to feel that way. Here's hopin uni will bring the promise of new company and new futures... Love ya.
She's gone, My baby is gone. :'(
Saturday, June 7, 2003
She's gone, My baby is gone. :'(
<<<>>>
I can't live a day without you/
I reach for you/
There's no way to reach you/
You aren't there to grasp/
You are gone/
My baby is gone//
When I cried/
You were always there/
You laid beside me/
To ease the tears away/
But these tears are for you/
You are gone/
I don't want to lose you/
I can't lose you/
I wasn't ready/
You are gone/
My baby is gone//
I try to remember happy times/
But the prospect of no such future times/
Floods tears back again/
I was selfish/
I wanted to keep you/
Amidst all your suffering/
I wanted you to be mine/
For always/
In a way you still can be/
These were the best 14 years of my life/
The ones I had with you/
I miss you so much/
You're gone/
My baby is gone.//
What do I do now?/
How do I make this pain go away?/
Nothing will ever be the same/
You gave so much/
You were always strong even till the end/
You were so good/
You made me smile/
You chased away tears/
You kept depression/
And loneliness at bay/
You gave courage/
Unconditional love and understanding/
You gave everything/
And now that I have to stand without you/
I can't./
You have a part of me forever/
A permanent place in my heart/
In my soul/
Where you will live forever/
Never to be forgotten/
I'll never let you go/
There's nothing I want more/
Than to have you with me for always/
I have this love inside/
And it's yours./
It belongs to you./
Only you./
My baby./
Baby You're gone./
Jenny, my baby is gone.///
© Joanna Jacobs
She will be missed, she's missed already
Saturday, June 7, 2003
She will be missed, she's missed already
I woke up about an hour ago... to find my dog... my jebbies... suffering.... she was whimpering and she couldn't walk. She was suffering so bad... she was panting. I sat with her for an hour... i kept petting her... i hugged her and laid my head on her... i could hear her heart beat... i told her i loved her... that it would be ok... I tolf her nothing is forever... and then i just laid there next to her... crying... it's really not fair... I said goodbye and my dad carried her to the car... they put her in the back seat with her blanket and her popple and then they drove away and left me here.... this is where I am now... Part of me still has false hopes of a miracle and wants to see Jebbies walk through the door with them when they get home... the other part of is crying and wailing and is so upset they've thrown up twice already. I miss her... she's not even gone yet and I miss her.. it's so not fair...She's my baby... my best friend... I hate this. I hate this... I hate this.... What do I do now? Where do i go from here?... I can't stop this pain.. i can't will this kind of hurt away...Life sucks. I want my best friend back. I wasn't ready yet.
From the heart...
Sunday, June 1, 2003
From the heart...
If you aren't ready to know how i really feel and who i really am right now then please stop reading. I can't be me... I can't be someone else. I just can't be right now. My father as some of you know is what u would call ill... well he has gotten worse.. he no longer works for the time being. He's driven my crazy and there's nothin any one can do for him. My grandfather isn't well either. He's not expected to live for much longer... which I cannot come to terms with. My mother has no faith in anything... she feels like God has cheated her and I can see where she's comin from. My sis is severely depressed... oh heck so am I. In light of these really cruddy events please expect the following from me... (how u deal with it is up to you although i've noticed a trend of not caring and ignoring... that seems to work well.) you can expect me to be distant, bitchy, sad... I will try and be all alone... to do everything by myself.... i'll tell myself that i'll be fine... or i could go the happy plastic route... u may not see that anything is wrong... u are the lucky people... go with that... the last few days of my highschool career will my best... there's a big coverup lie... take that and believe it till your heart's content. Take my way out for you and run with it. Everyone else has. I wish i cold convince myself of it too. I wish i could take these things and will them all away. Truth be told I can't. I figure there's so many of you who don't care... don't miss me, That I shouldn't care either. So I don't. I could die in my sleep i don't care. In fact sounds pretty appealing. I have no hope. None. All i wanna do is shake, cry myself to sleep and then stay like that forever. Goodnight.
Bingo
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Bingo
Last friday i went with my grandmother to do the hardest thing i have ever done. I held something i loved so much and I watched it die. I watched its lifeless body leave here forever.. i watched tears stream down my grandma's face. It was so sad. I'm still crying now... Death sucks.. a whole lot... i still feel the poor little guy was cheated. I carried his leash back to the car... we buried him next to Joey and Sandy...i've never seen anything die before and it was horrible... i admit it was peaceful but i watched something i knew and loved turn into something cold and empty... something i loved turned into nothin... it just wasn't anymore.. not there... I hugged grandma and she cried even more... she's lost her best friend and her soul mate... it doesn't seem fair at all.. it's like we're all fightin a stupid war we can never win... pain is inevitable whether it's urs or someone else's ... I hate goodbyes.. i hate them... hind sight is horrible... stuff like this makes u wonder what it all means... whether lovin is really worth it when u just grow attached and then lose things u love and hurt.. and it's not easy pain... sure you can ignore it and you can deny it but it never leaves... there is no hope for pain like this... only pain... that's all... the more you bury the pain the harder it stings you... I miss that little dog...i held something that i loved well it died. Now it's gone... gone forever...
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate, for his fragile soul it was way too late.
Lonely Girl
Monday, May 19, 2003
Lonely Girl
I wish you knew how much u left me in wanting. Although I don't want you. I miss us. I miss havin to share my life with. I miss havin you to call when i have my little successes with life... I miss havin to to hold me when life gets to much to bear on my own. I miss havin someone to hold... I miss havin tears to dry and fears to ease... I feel kinda lost and pointless... I mean i live each day without problems and yet I'm not really satistfied... I have always wanted more... but this time it's different... I've reached a new level of loneliness... I am in a new place now... Please come and find me. I need you.
Never
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Never
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
without logic, without reason
i was shaking.
Without knowing why I
wanted to die.
I'm tired of all these lies,
living with these sighs,
trying to see the world through your eyes...
I've spent too many days alone
with no one to hold,
I want to put an end to my isolation
from all the things that could have been,
and are,
and are to come.
You couldn't be there for me then, why is now different... You left now its up to me. Be as close to me as you want you will never know me now. Never.
I was not supposed to fall in love with you...
Saturday, May 10, 2003
I was not supposed to fall in love with you...
Love sometimes,
Can be like Destiny,
There's no way to say forever
May not realize your dreams.
And love sometimes
Is like the blowin' wind,
It can take us to wherever,
Sending us on silent wings.
But I have broken
All the rules of love
I never dreamed that
I could come this far.
And now I'm lost in my emotions,
You're becoming my devotion,
There's nothing I can do
To stop this love for you.
I was not supposed to
Fall in love with you.
You want someone else,
Someone else is loving you.
And I was not supposed to
Let this love get through.
So let me say for real,
This is what I feel
When I'm with you .
It is forever.
I feel like heaven.
How could I have
Known that in your eyes
I would find the deepest answer
To the questions of my heart.
And how could I have known
That by your side
Was the light to fill the darkness
And the shadows of my life.
But I have broken
All the rules of love
I never dreamed that I
Could come this far.
I was not supposed to fall in love with you.
Changes....
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Changes....
It's been awhile... or at least it seems that way. I have had a great week. Last Monday my parents bought me a trombone ( it has yet to be named...lol) , on thursday night i arrived home to find that McMaster accepted me. Here's the kicker... I haven't even done my interview for that program yet. My interview is on tues. Isn't that crazy. I owe all of these happenings to God. I prayed and prayed but i really never gave the situation to him. But the day I accepted that it wasn't up to me... is the day my acceptance came. It feels so good to know where God wants me to be. To know that God has a plan for me... and I'm in awe to think that i could ruin his plans... that he trusts me to carry out his plan... to spread his word... to do his good in this place. It just amazes me. Once I gave the situation to God it was like the clouds dissapeared and light cut through the darkness to show me he was there all along. God is gonna lay the whole thing down... and I choose to revel in the oppurtunity I have been given. My Lord has provided me with so many people to help me ... with so many blessings to show me and now... now.... I want success.... His success... My success... Our success. I don't want to miss any goals that God has for me. I had a chance to share some thoughts with a new believer tonight at "Under the Son"... and now i want to share that thought with you guys.... my friends... God has a path for you...a direction... He loves you and he'll never stop loving you no matter how many times you turn your back. God can see you right now... he knows who you are.... and who you long to be... he knows your heart. I read in psalms once that God thinks of you more times in a day than there are grains of sand on this earth. That's pretty amazing. God is amazing. God is awesome. Follow God. Follow your path... Let him show you the path... and walk with him. A relationship with God is life-changing. Change Lives. Live and Love. I love you guys so much. Goodnight.
When it doesn't matter...
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
When it doesn't matter...
I'm everything, you never wanted,
Why does it mean so much to you?
I'm walking way.
Not begging you to please let me stay.
You wanna take a picture,
So you'll remember,
Me standing by this open door?
Does it make it better,
If you tell yourself I never wanted to go?
Should I say that we should still be friends?
Should I cry or should I just pretend,
That it's killing me, and I don't want you to leave,
Should I make you think I suffer,
...when it doesn't matter.
You try to figure out ,
Why I said nothing ,
When you told me that's it's over now,
What are you believing,
That my smile is only here to hide the pain,
When it doesn't matter...
I'm tired, of unhappy ever after endings
I'm tired, of make believe heroes
I'm tired, of taking back what I have given
And I'm tired, of waking up here
Should I say that we should still be friends
Should I cry or should I just pretend
That it's killing me, and I don't want you to leave
Should I make you think I suffer
...when it doesn't matter
I'll think of you that way...
Sunday, April 20, 2003
I'll think of you that way...
There must be a reason we first got together,There must have
Been a reason,We used to talk forever.It's hard to see now,
'Cause it's easier to think Of what went wrong.I could keep
Pointin' fingers.I could stay mad as hell.Just let my anger linger,But as far as I can tell,I've just got to let it go
If I wanna move on. So I'll think about How you made me laugh, Not think about How you made me cry, Think about
How we both swore We'd love each other Till we died.
Forget about Who's to blame, Just remember
Your smilin' face. Well it's a choice I've had to make
So I'll think about you That way.
Seems like I paint you now, In colours of forgiveness.
I lost the pain somehow,And in it's place There is this,
Part of me that sees you In the light I saw you in before. So I'll think about How you made me laugh, Not think about How you made me cry.I'll Think about How we both swore We'd love each other Till we died. Forget about Who's to blame,
Just remember Your smilin' face,Well it's a choice I've had to make,So I'll think of you That way.
I can feel it..
Sunday, April 13, 2003
I can feel it..
Something big ends// you don't know what to look to next// there's always tomorrow// but what is tomorrow// why shold you care/// why should you carry on// have you ever been this empty// you have no pride to swallow// you don't know what you need// and your heart wants too many things// all of you is silenced// you have that useless feeling// you accomplish nothing// nothing good enough// nothing big enough// no where to go// that's where you came from// no where// that's where you're goin// does loneliness cause emptiness// you better get settled for the long haul// you aren't loved and the future is dim// it's been dark for so long and you're just waking up now// but it's too late// the world has fallin into place // and there's no place for you//you have been rejected// you can love the world// but it has no love for you// You're lost in a world of darkness// the reason your feel empty and worthless is because// YOU ARE.
Crazy!!!
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Crazy!!!
Last night was a crazy blast! I have a hard time excepting the fact that I liked shooting people that much... It was nuts... hehehe.. the packs can't recive info and send at the same time.... SO DON'T STOP SHOOTING!!! lol jk... the trick is to do the stake out... team red rocks... we shot 'em all good... and we won! I'm getting excited about the opera... very excited... i hope my dress will be finished... we're gonna show the little punks how to do it up right! Goin all out baby! Who needs straps... I'll bring them in case i do. lol... it will be awesome. I'm not too happy right now so this will be my update entry and i'll write another entry above this one to get out my other feelin's. Don't read to much into me ok... there are times i'm just not worth it. Love ya all. Later.
New York, New York
Monday, April 7, 2003
New York, New York
I'm back and i had a blast it was an experience of a lifetime. I went shoppin hard core... I visted an old navy with five floors and oh my gosh do they know how to do shoppin up right...so crazy... cars still drive when the sign says walk and new yorkers still walk when it says don't walk. I saw so many famous places to list... I had a freaky bus ride and i learned some stuff about some people... Let's just the ultimate lesson learned about people is an ego is a dangerous thing to feed. Very dangerous... you are not God's gift to women... i repeat ..u are not God's gift to women....other than that i had an awesome trip... i went to victoria's secret. Tee ... ur the best roomie ever... i have so many stories to tell but i'm too lazy to write them down if you wanna hear them just ask. Love you guys... missed my people so much... see ya tomorrow.. unless like Jon predicts i have sars and dir in my sleep lol.... ur so crazy.... love and live.
Thanks for Ironic Lessons
Friday, March 21, 2003
Thanks for Ironic Lessons
I've been doing some thinking and I owe a few guys who have made my life a giant painful love-sick hardship a big giant thank-you. I love myself, while trying to get over you I spent a lot of time by myself and with God. I found God and he helped me find myself. I thought i was alone, that the world forgot about me but i have learned just how many people care and if you don't wanna care that's ok with me. I can't be my own rock anymore but I have people to help me stand up to life's elements. I will not be wore down. The only one who can shake me is God! I sometimes wonder where i would be today if you two hooligans hadn't stolen a part of my heart. You still have a part of me, I left a small part of me behind. Do whatever you want with it. You can't hurt me anymore... any tears i have are now smiles... smiles that i had the oppurtunity to love so much even if you didn't love me back. You can't help how you don't feel feel. Like the song says... I'm gonna let you go in style, I'm gonna smile.I thank you from my heart for your help. You made me find myself. God Bless you and may you find what you are looking for. I love ya always. Thank-you.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
I dunno what is compelling me to write this and yet i'm still typing. I feel like sharin and for the first time in a while i find myself so independent that i am alone... i made it this way... so now i have to deal with it... with lack of a person to talk to ( lol.. i'm pretty sure God has had enough of me for one night) I am here typing everything, my pain and what it's taught me. I have loved and been broken .. we won't get into details... i have had fights for my life... car accidents, threats of the dreaded c-word, i beat those... the worst enemy to me is myself... I haven't told anyone this and no matter how hard i hint no one asks and it's not the kind of thing u just tell everyone... otherwise it seems like ur fishing for sympathy... i don't want ur pity i just want answers... yeah yeah i know one cares... not a single person who was in that place gives a damn... it means nothing but it means everything... i need to get out of here.. i'm trapped ... i want to share but i'm afraid... i just want someone to hold me right now and tell me it will be ok... i need that... i'm not a rock... i can't rise above this on my own...i was stupid but i have learned ( the very very very hard way) i have paid the greatest price. I'm not givin up but for the first time in my pathetic life I am asking for help.. that's right.. me the person who can handle it all is askin for your help. How can u help me?... Pray for me... hug me... tell me u need me ... remind that someone loves me. and in closing since poetry and lyrics are the easiest way to express myself here's a poem/song ( with excerpts from a martina mcbride song!)<<<<<>>>>> Mistakes of Trust<<<<<>>>>>
She looks through a box of things she's packed<>
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back<>
Wearin' the same sweater she wore yesterday<>
She hides the bruises with linen and lace.<>
<><><><><><>
Everyone wonders but no one asks<>
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask<>
Bearing the burden of a secret storm<>
Sometimes she wishes she was never born.<>
<><><><><><>
Somebody cries in the middle of the night<>
They all hear, but they turn out the lights<>
A fragile soul caught in the hands of fate<>
When morning comes it'll be too late.<><>
nick names... chickas
Sunday, March 16, 2003
nick names... chickas
Well since Shel has asked me to do this and it's crazy and fun here are those nick names... ( At least it will save some future confusion.
MILKHOUSE- Well u see milkhouse is Tee... lemme tell u a little bout this one...hers was the first "drink-building name". i meant to call her milhouse but i screwed up and the name stuck ... it was just too funny.
JUICEARENA- This would be Shel, Shel was the second to have a name like these ones. We were sleepin over... she was lucky... she got to pick her name!
COFFEEMALL- This would be my name... I didn't get to pick it.. i didn't get a say at all... Milkhouse and Juicearena just started callin me that!
SMOOTHIESHOEBOX- Smoothies! Shoes! it's gotta be missa! She picked her own name too!
ICETEABARN- Kendra! Who else would it be? She has cows with weird names... i picked her name!
VODKACONCERT- Lisa it's ur birthday! We initiated lisa one night well we were at MC chuck and pukes!
Despite that fact the to be a "chicka" u usually have to be female we stretched the rules a little for the following two.
COKESTADIUM- Coke and sports... Tim picked his own name... i think it is most appropriate.
OJSTAGSHOP- He like's orange juice and no one will ever forget that magical trip the banana bang gang ( banana gang bang lol....) made to the stag shop... that's right it's the old navy poster child... i mean Jon.
There we go that should clean up a little confusion plus now u can humilate all those people in public (excluding me of course!)... have a awesome night... rock on.. missa i miss u. I'll see u at work tomorrow. oh and Mike I miss you too... i have no time left we gotta wait till next friday due to financial status... Love ya all to pieces! Ciao!
pent up... but now released!
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
pent up... but now released!
What I wanted...
some how turned into what you deserved.
How can You justify the marks you have left?
How can you say i earned them?
You did this to me.
How can you tell say you love me then make me bleed.
Why can't you hear me?
Why can't you hear me when i say I've had enough.
I can't stop you.
No one can.
You are like a natural disaster doomed to destroy my life,
everytime the seasons change my heart falls for you again.
Only to be torn into a million little bits.
My heart and soul scattered on the ground.
Now I feel empty.
Your used goods.
Do you feel better?
You got what you wanted.
Now we have no where to go.
I wish I could hate you for bringing me here.
For pushing me to the very edge and
urging me to jump.
We'll the joke's on you my boy.
You can't hurt me if I'm fallin.
I jumped and I'm not comin back this time.
I cut the chains you had around my heart.
You have no power.
No intimidation.
You enstill no fear.
Only resented bitter hate.
I asked you to love me ,
I never asked for what I got.
I never asked for this.
I wish I never met you.
All you gave me was cruel self-serving love that
caused me to lose and important part of me.
You stole who I was.
I hope you are happy.
Do you feel like a big man?
I loved you but you used that love as a means to get what you wanted.
You held it ransom but I've paid your ransom.
I let you steal my soul,
I practically sold it to you.
Please leave my life now.
Let me rebuild.
You got what you wanted and
Stole what I deserved.
~~~same old crazy me!~~~~
Monday, March 10, 2003
~~~same old crazy me!~~~~
Well it's safe to say my life has many different aspects... ha ha... I'm a walkin contradiction, i am always surrounded by people but always alone, I'm loved but feel hated, I am here but i want to be there, i hurt but i feel fine, i want to be ok but i'm not. Life has dealt me a few hard ones lately, As I am beginning to learn Life isn't as much about hello as it is about goodbye. It's all about goodbye... loss.... well lemme tell u i am lost, I am watching people i love slip through the cracks everyday... it gets harder and harder to hang on to them cuz it hurts more. I miss the way things were once, was i really happy before or was i just strong enough to pretend. I need help. I need something. I need someone to hold me... i know this sounds stereotypically female but i need a guy. Someone to dance with, someone to laugh at my jokes, someone to wipe the tears away, someone to make me laugh even when i don't think i can, someone who can make my heavy heart smile, someone who can love me for me... not the things i do, not for the things i've done, but for me... all of me... but that's too much to ask. What i get and what i need are very different.. but loneliness always feels the same. There is no one there.... frankly i'm starting to wonder if there ever will be. I will sit here... coping with loss, being ignored by those that loved me once, love is funny, it causes trust that backfires. But i have no regrets... everything happens for a reason and i have learned so many lessons... but here is the most important one... no matter where you go there will always be people who step on other people to climb higher in life's ladder... watch out for those people... I have found them, thats why i am here... alone... in the dark. I was stepped on .. pushed back into the darkness. I would ask for help but there's nothing u can do ('cept pray). I don't know what i need and i don't know what i want, i only know it hurts. But I keep on goin. Hope is crazy that way... It can't be killed. But can it be silenced?
"As others have stung me with hatred,
My chosen weapon remains Love."
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