When we weren't...
Monday, March 3, 2003
When we weren't...
I am hopelessly devoted to you but you dont even know i exist. As if i was just another in a long line of wasnt meant to be's. At one time, nothing could tear us apart but, now nothing can bring us together anymore. Why cant we go back to the start instead of acting like there was nothing before. You never see me as the one for all time. I was just something to conquer, just to be tossed aside so you can go for another.Am i a complete stranger now cause you just ignore me. I guess it is impossible for you to care that i can finally see. You closed out this relationship before it got a chance to begin. I dont even want to be friends because being invisible hurts too much and i just want this pain to end. You never see me as the one for all time. I gave you my heart and you took my soul. You just used me as your tool. How did you pretend to care, making me feel like such a fool. I was just something to conquer, just to be tossed aside so you can go for another. you never see...
What a Day!!!
Thursday, February 27, 2003
What a Day!!!
It was 9:57 when my mom came home. She had gifts and enough words to make my week! My grandma sends her love. But she also sent my great great grandfather's bible and the testament her mother gave her when she died. But the greatest gift she brought me was faith. My grandmother is very religious. I love her so much. The next part blows my breath away... she had never shown any interest in me as a child and she still calls me joanne cuz she doesn't know my real name but this is what she claims... she has always felt close to me and well... she wants me to have some things of hers. Her wedding bands, all her jewellry, a silver tea service... here's the kicker... she wants to help pay for my university! That's right... it is so crazy! God works in awesome ways... I really feel so awesome right now... I'm reading my great great grandfathers bible... there are notes on passages and verses... there was a note next to first corinthians 13. thats so cool! My fave. It was the bible he got married with ... there are pressed flowers in it... and they kept record of a family tree. I cried... i just cried... it means so much to me! Oh man... its the sign i needed ... it's what i've been prayin for... life is so good! Embrace the faith. I am so happy! I love you all so much!
Lack Of Hope...
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Lack Of Hope...
Back to reality/ back to your pain/ lack of hope/ you want him again/He's not what u need/ thats what u want to hear/ a quick solution/ to dry up tears/ the road is endless/ so start out now/ he always catches up/ you never knew how/he has been there for always / he always came back/ not this time/ ur hope starts to lack/ you have never needed to face it before / he's not comin back to knock on your door/ now its just you/ urself u must find / find who you are/ well u still have the time/ fear is an army fighting against you/ lack of hope, ironically pulls u through/ u can't go back to him/ he's not there waiting/ no more games / of loving than hating/ u don't get a chance to make up ur mind/ the hope u had is gone/ you have to do it/ you have to move on/ Remember this of love/ it may hurt but its a gift/ chersish all love/ let ur love live/ If you can't be with him don't mourn your loss/ don't think of relationships in terms of cost/ You had a love / a love you shared/ don't go denying you ever cared/ keep on goin/ love lives on and is allowed/ you created that love and you should be proud/ lack of hope isn't always bad/ makes u apprectiate what u had/ love goes on/ remember to live/ share what you learned/ there'll be new love to give.
I gave everything.... No what do i have left to live for?
Sunday, February 23, 2003
I gave everything.... No what do i have left to live for?
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves./
How many times has he that broken promise?/
It has never been done/
Well I never climbed the highest mountain,/
but I walked the hill of calvary//
And just to be with you I'll do anything,/
there's no price I would not pay,/ no
and just to be with you I'll give everything./
And I would give my life away.//
I've heard it said that a man would swim the oceans/
Just to be with the one he loves./
But All of those dreams are an empty emotion/
It can never be done./
Well I've never swam the deepest oceans/
But I walked upon the raging sea//
And just to be with you I'll do anything,/
there's no price I would not pay,/ no
and just to be with you I'll give everything.//
And I would give my life away.//
And I know that you don't understand the fullness of my love/
How I much i need you now/
And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you/
And I promise I would do it all again//
And just to be with you I've done everything/
There's no price I did not pay,/ no
And just to be with you I gave everything/
Yes I gave my life away.//
I gave my life away/
Just to be with you/
just to be with you///
Dare you to move...
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Dare you to move...
Dare you to move ... like today never happened. But it did. From now on God has given me a new game plan... BE AS REAL AS POSSIBLE!!! From now on i'm just gonna lay all of me out there... i'm puttin it all on the line to show u guys who i really am and what i really want and need. Ask me anything... provided it hurts no one else then i will tell you.... i have no secrets of my own... i want people to know how imperfect i am...u guys can learn from my mistakes cause they were pretty freakin' painful and i want some good to come of them. I'm just gonna be me... no more flood gates to keep the tears at bay... if i wanna cry well then ur gonna see me cry... i'm gonna tell u how i feel even when u don;t wanna know ( right tee?) I can only be me ... no more facade.. no more happy plastic people.. welcome to the real jo.... only me... no sugar coated crap. I love you guys so much .. u deserve honesty and sincerity 24/7.... as for love well... having bad luck in love... i'm takin a new approach... love me for me... not the things i say... not the way i say them... not the things i do... not the way i do them... love me for me... who i am. Here goes guys... this should be fun... i let d know how it is...(Mike ur next... lol.... jk...i've been honest with u from the beginnin so no worries babe!)And to My sister... ( u know who u are) No one can ever break what we have... No one and never ... i love you babe. God bless... i'm prayin for u guys... if u got any requests lemme know... i wish u three fold peace and love always!
not a day goes by.....
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
not a day goes by.....
Got a picture of you, I carry in my heart,
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark.
Got a memory of you, I carry in my soul:
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold.
And if you asked me how I'm doin', I'd say: "Just fine."
But the truth is, baby, if you could read my mind,
Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you.
After all this time you're still with me, it's true.
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside,
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by.
I still wait for the 'phone in the middle of the night,
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right.
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark,
Wishin' you were next to me; with your head against my heart.
And if you asked me how I'm doin', I'd say: "Just fine."
But the truth is, baby, if you could read my mind,
Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you.
After all this time you're still with me, it's true.
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside,
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by.
*This is how it is. I want you. I need you. I love you. Only you can help me now. But i have to lay it on the line first. I'm afraid... someday i will tell you... someday. Why don't ma and God want the same things for me? ... THis is too hard. I have never hurt quite this bad... Please no more...I can't do this anymore... I can't take another round! I can't be anymore. I give up. Please let me sleep?Take me home!
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days.
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way.
Not a day goes by, that I don't think of you.
After all this time you're still with me, it's true.
Oh, somehow you remain locked so deep inside, (Deeep inside.)
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by.
That I don't think of you.
Monday, February 17, 2003
I prayed I knew what i wanted. Really I know what i want but is it what God wants? I dunno anymore... Can people change? Can I change? Secrets revealed? What is true love? Why am i so confused? :'( Why can't things be simple.... will i ever get what i want? Do i deserve it? Meh... i'm gonna go with no on this one... i really just wanna be happy even for a little while... i want joy guys.. just a little bit... Remember when.. i used to be happy... Really cuz i can't.. maybe i don;t even want a relationship.. yeah right we all know i do... maybe i just need someone to listen. I don't wanna hurt anyone and I don't wanna be hurt i just wanna be loved and held... bottom line... i guess i'm lonely. Why is life a test? Why God oh God.... Please no more!
Thursday, February 13, 2003
So tomorrow is val day and well i know i have friends who hate to be alone on that day! So i'm writing you guys a poem... i'll try and make it funny for ya....... here goes... You cry so many tears for no reason at all/ why wouldn't you walk, why choose to crawl?/ You think you need a man, get those thoughts out if your head/ fill the void with chocolate and sad movies instead/ you know'll you'll never see eye to eye/ don't hold your breath, we can't say you didn't try/ We want a love that's from the heart, we want romance/ he wants a disposable love, a love in his pants/ You don't need a man, please listen to me/ every girl for herself, let your soul be free/ free from the jealousy, lies and the pain/ free from the tears that well up again/ Listen up ladies, cherish your friends/ they're what you need when you think that love ends/ United we stand divided we fall/ guys don't know what love is... not one of them all... I love you all to pieces.. this day celebrates love... not only do i love you but so does God above. So please don't be lonely cry no tears this day/ remember your friends and laugh the v-day blues away. .....
I love you guys so much! Chickas 4 ever.
stuff
Sunday, February 9, 2003
stuff
Well pizzas were today! we made 'em work right chickas! lol... any who if you wrote in my planner i wanna know.... today or some time recently someone wrote " i admire your faith jo" ... if it was you i wanna know... I kinda looks like shell's writin' but when did she have time to write that?... ok so now i'm thinkin tee's writin' but she did her j funny... i dunno anymore.. but if it was u thank you! yay! Guess what ... I'm sick again. It sucks anyways i've got a million things to do for differrnt people... wish me luck... i love you guys so much!
Why?
Thursday, February 6, 2003
Why?
I thought there would come a day / but u made me unsure / a darkness creeps inside me / and this time there is no cure / your let-downs are inevitable / you will never be there / your actions never show me / even though i know you care / i thought things would be different / i thought you'd make it through / I really hope you don't understand / hurt equals what you do / i can't believe u left / i pray its not to hurt me / i can see cruel hope in your eyes /i pray one day u will see / one day you won't forget / one day you'll come to realize / and maybe then regret / I thought you could beat this / i thought together we'd hold on / but now that you have left / i've been hanging for too long / i really do love you / but please don't pretend / pretending and half-truths / are not things for friends / i must say i'm dissapointed / betrayed and kinda mad / I just hope you are happy / well the rest of us are sad.
Where I belong....
Sunday, February 2, 2003
Where I belong....
I am back on track/ no longer falling / i have been found / i've heard my calling / I was in the dark / i found my truths/ no i can work / to be rid of you / you helped build a wall / he tore it down / anyone can see me / no that ur not around / I wanted u to love me / but it changed who i was / I wanted you to love me / to love me just because / what you wanted was for you / in the long term i got used / but i know what ur missing / in the long term you lose / i could have made you happy/ u turned ur back on me / u turned ur back on God / and now you'll never see/ Nothing ventured nothing gained / i have learned so much / though this pain hurts now / It is my heart he's touched / he's filled in all the wounds you left / I have started to heal/ I owe my saviour big time / for showing me what's real / and when i think of you / my thoughts will not be tragic / to me friendships aren't destroyed / we had moments of magic / it has come to this / i'm letting you go / but please remember / i still love you so.
Saturday, February 1, 2003
So many times / I have been here / Lost inside hate / So much to fear / I'm not alone / People have found me / They can't understand / These feelings surround me / I shut them out / I push them away / They waste their time / I have nothing to say / Gonna swallow my heart / Cry all my tears / Hide in the darkness / Hope to dissapear / Let the smiles fade / Let my spirit grow cold / My heart has to pay / For my soul I have sold / If you want to pray / Pray this for me / That this is the last day / I have to be.
meh...
Saturday, February 1, 2003
meh...
You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a
saint. You're probably an angel sent directly
from Heaven.
Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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can't take anymore...
Saturday, February 1, 2003
can't take anymore...
Did you ever want to be buried alive? To have urself buried so deep in a hole that no pain could ever reach you? To take and gun and place it squarely between ur eyes so u could make the world go away? Ever wanna jump off a bridge into freezing cold water? Jump out in front of a car? Fall alseep on railroad track? Take handfulls of pills till ur numb and you can't feel anymore? Ever wanna drop a match and burn the pathetic parts of ur life away? Ever wanna make urself pay for becoming what you are? Drown all your sorrows? Ever wanna throw urself from somewhere up high and see what falling is like? Ever wanna see life from the rafters? Ever wanna choke the life out of your soul? Ever wanna beat the crap out of yourself till your satisfied? Ever wanna hear your neck snap? See glass break? Wake up in the dark alone? Ever wanna give it all away? Ever wanna give it up?
Shaken
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Shaken
This world is hurting so much. I can't be me. I can't. I just need one day, one hour... anything.. where did my life go? I'm living for everyone else. I can't make it stop. I'm stuck. I destroyed so much of everything. My future, my spirit, my hope, all thats left now is work that there's no time for. There's no where for me to hide from this world.. one day is only gonna prolong the work... one day of worryin about how much time i wasted thats what that'll be. There is no way out of this. I just gotta keep on pretending to smile. I have to be pleasant and happy on the outside... what's that ... don't be compassionate... don't think maybe i got somethin goin on.. just label me a bitch and be on ur merry way. does it make you feels better? I'm stuck in eternal darkness and there is no light. No light to see. Only darkness to smother me... to bury me until i can't breath. Until all my stress has sucked the life out of me. Until I can't move. I'm stuck.There is no one to help me. I can't even help myself. Too much. Too soon. Too late?
Face my life tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Face my life tomorrow!
I've heard it said that a man would climb a mountain
Just to be with the one he loves.
How many times has he that broken promise?
It has never been done
Well I never climbed the highest mountain,
but I walked the hill of calvary
And just to be with you I'll do anything,
there's no price I would not pay, no
and just to be with you I'll give everything.
And I would give my life away.
Yeaaaa
I've heard it said that a man would swim the oceans
Just to be with the one he loves.
But All of those dreams are an empty emotion
It can never be done.
Well I've never swim the deepest oceans
But I walked upon the raging sea
And I know that you don't understand the fullness of my love
How I died upon the Cross for your sin
And I know that you don't realize how much that I gave you
And I promise I would do it all again
And just to be with you I've done everything
There's no price I did not pay, no
And just to be with you I gave everything
Yes I gave my life away.
Just to be with you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We beg to borrow, we beg to steal
We beg forgiveness, we beg to feel
We beg for love, I guess we beg for hate
We beg for everything and pray it's not too late
What everybody's trying to feel I guess we're trying to heal
Everybody's got to kneel no way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to stand up on their feet
Everybody needs a dream when their spirit gets too weak
So when your spirit gets too weak
When the water seems too deep
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
When the mountain seems too steep
When your spirit gets too weak
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
We beg for happiness, we beg for tears
We beg for courage just to overcome our fears
We beg to rise up tall and hope we never fall
We beg for everything and hope he hears our call
What everybody's trying to feel I guess we're trying to heal
Everybody's got to kneel no way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to stand up on their feet
Got to be there for your brother when your spirit gets too weak
Although the road is rough
Sometimes you feel like it aint enough
We'll be there for each other; we'll find a way
So when your spirit gets too weak
When the water seems too deep
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
When the mountain seems too steep
When your spirit gets too weak
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
No...
Saturday, January 25, 2003
No...
So what do all these questions have in common....Will I ever be happy? Will I be successful? Will I be beautiful? Will I get married? Will the loneliness stop? Will I ever be real? Will things work out? Would you do it again? Will I always have friends like I do now? Will somebody love me? Will I get into university? Will dad get better? Will hate ever die? Will I ever escape? Will me and D work? Will me and Mike work? Is it really love? Will God say yes? Will I always listen? Will I get what I want? Will I get what I need? Will this pain ever stop? Will scars ever fade? Will I make a difference? Will anyone miss me? Will you remember? Will the hope come back? Will someone rescue me? Will I find peace? Will sleep come? Will the sun come out? Will I see the light? Will I understand? Will you understand? Will people forgive me? Will the emptiness leave? Will i be noticed? Will I ever come first? Will it mean anything to you? Will I mean anything to you? Is change a good thing? Will you please stop lying? Will I ever be found? Will the ordeal ever end? Will my heart be healed? Will I dance? Will it be enough? Will it all go away? Will I ever find the one? Will you take back those words? Will i ever forget? Will the yelling stop? Can't I take it back? Will I find my way back? Do I know who I am? Do I know who i wanna be? Do i know where i'm goin? Do i know where I came from? Will it get less complicated? Can I resist? Am i necessary? Will you love me for who i really am?.........................................................................................Well u see... the answer to each and everyone of these questions dealing with my hopeless pathetic excuse for a life is a big NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Day of Freedom...
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Day of Freedom...
One Man lived to bring a vision.
One Man died to save a nation.
One Voice calls us all to freedom
In the name of love.
Reaching out to one another,
Joining hands of every color...
Name each one a sister and brother
In the name of love.
Let us praise the Name of Jesus
All across the world!
We’re all children of the faith,
And though we walk in different ways,
Let’s live our lives to celebrate
The day of freedom.
Tore down all the walls between us,
Broke up all the chains that bound us,
Found the common ground beneath us
In the name of love.
Let us step into the water.
Let us drink the blood of Jesus!
No more wars to separate us
In the name of love.
New Beginnings!
Sunday, January 19, 2003
New Beginnings!
Today was a brand new day for me. I had the best day ever... I have answers. I fell on my knees and cried and opened my heart... He took me... I owe Him my life and I will give Him my death when He asks for it. Everything that can be will be! God is gonna shake the whole thing down. Only faith and love will stand. We will all be shaken! I know i was. I was saved and faith will save me again. God has promised me hope and a future if i only believe and oh man... I believe. I wish the same for everyone but my heart breaks for those who are not believers. If you wanted to pray for me... u could pray for strength and wisdom... I'm gonna need both to get me through this. How can I pray for you? Sign my guestbook... let me know!
God was in that building.
Saturday, January 18, 2003
God was in that building.
God was in that building. He took all my pain. He broke the wall down. He bore a hole in my heart and washed my sins away when my best friend poured his spirit on to me. I craved you so much... and now i have you. You in my heart till the day we meet. till i can look you in the face and say i have accomplished all u had for me to do. I have layed it all down... all of it. Every breath i have is yours... every tear i cry is for you. All my gifts are thanks to you. I owe my life to u. It is yours. I can honestly say that seconds from now if someone asked me if i would die for Jesus... i would... i would die for you. I live for u ... I die for you. I have never felt like this. I have new light. I have new hope. I have renewed faith. I can feel the power of Christ in my life. And i wish he would do amazing things for this community. I wish everyone can feel what i feel right now. I am one. This is where i belong. You have me heart. You have my faith. You have my voice. You have my body. You have my soul. I have your love. Perfect love. The love of the only savior. Amen.
Crazy gurl!
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Crazy gurl!
Yep that's me! Totally crazy! I have lost it! Things are lookin a little better. I don't feel as hopeless as before. I guess there is some truth to " what doesn't kill you will only make u stronger". I have learned a few things out of my experience. I will now be more cautious. Always more cautious. Life is crazy! I'm not ok but I know i will be. Once the loneliness is gone. When that will happen i don't know.. when things are back where they belong... i read three versions of John 17 tonight and well they help.... God loved me before the creation of the world and it doesn;t matter how i feel or what i did... cuz.... well i can always bring it back to God and i will find solid ground whether i know it or not. It is not the end of the world... I'm prayin with hope and i'm believing that well... I'm just believing right now... I'm here for some reason... i have this pain for some reason... i just need to understand... and yes tee! I need to believe! In more way than one!... i guess i just need to remember that no matter how much hate is in this world and how cruel things get.... that ... well.. there is hope.... for something more.. anything... i need to stop saying "wrong again!" this time i'm right.. the pain won't last ... my chance for happiness hasn't passed... I can see now what is goin on but i need to know why. Why? ...i really don't like that question? I'm moving through the stages of stress and depression... i have passed tears... i am now into shakin and gettin sick... i have only ever been like this once before... stress messes with ur mind and ur body... but i found some hope for my soul... i need to slow down but i can't... it's gonna be a long year... a really long year. I miss things the way they were before... I think i'm gonna need help this time... ok well i changed moods rather rapidly thanx to help from my favourite someone. Used goods... go on and hate me! see if i care. live it up ... does it make u feel good... it makes me feel like shit... that's right these fuckin tears are yours.. all yours. Your fault not mine.. you did this to me and if i wasn't a moron i wouldn't give u the oppurtunity again. But i will.. over and over... i am so stupid... I think u care... not true... I'm not even sure you ever did. I hope you got what u wanted. U broke me... u have given me the one thing that the others didn't ... .regret... .huge regret... if leaving is a part of letting go then whoo-hooo! bring on university... I can and will beat this... i am not the enemy or the victim here. I am just me... that's all and you can't love me for me... heck you only love the things i do... u are a cheater and a liar and i thought i wanted you.. now i don't know... all i know is i will be there when u call.. i'll see u through the good times and the bad... you can hurt and use me for all i'm worth ( it's not very much anyways) ... when u love someone... it should be unconditional... i love u no matter what u r and what u do. Although u hurt me the worst... your memories will be my best.
All i ever wanted...
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
All i ever wanted...
Denied. Time takes its toll on hope... but i guess love never dies... i know the pain never does at least. Just like the song... I'm gonna love him forever and ever, forever and ever amen. And its gonna freakin kill me! This kinda love was meant to be shared... its fillin up inside me ... it's slowly poisonin' my soul. I gotta let it out. The only problem is no one wants it. I have my friends and family and of course my GOD but i'm still empty. I know thats wrong. I just want this so much. I can't help but dream what it would be like. Why do things have to turn out the way they did? It's already too late but someday i'll let him know how i feel. Someday. We'll see what happens.
Nothing will. that's the way things are. I just wanna dissapear into a black cloud... crawl in a whole... drift through blackness... my soul has been darkened. i wanna fall forever... I'm so alone. I'm so lost. Is it too much to ask that somewhere someone loves me... is it? is it too much for someone to just hold me... wipe away my tears. Yes it is! I won't ever have those things. Errrrrr. Love sucks!... Never fails ... lol...my ass! If i'm not a failure than i don't know what is! take a good look at me people.. now remember... remember me... a prime example of where wearin ur heart of ur sleeve gets ya. One big pathetic ugly failure who's all alone.. yep that pretty much sums it up. I don't know where i've been.. I don't know where i'm goin, I don't know what's worse... the fact i just wrote this or the fact ur readin it. Don't feel bad for me or tell me that u love me.. save me the crap. This place sux... i wanna leave here more than anything.
again... sad but true.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
again... sad but true.
How Emotional Are You?
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No more!!!
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
No more!!!
I can't do life anymore! I give up. The arguing and the yelling flow downstairs ...they think I can't hear them. They are fighting about me. about the fact i didn't finish my pills.. about the fact university is so expensive and i won't take a year off to work... about how ungrateful i am... about how i have become "miss almighty"... i can't be here and now... i need to be somewhere else.. someone else. I can't anymore .. i just can't! can't! WHY!!!!!!!! I am such a waste. i get home ... I check my e-mail and i cry... that's all i can do... cry... and these f'ing tears won't stop comin! they just keep comin until i'm soaked and shakin and my face is covered in little black streams... God help me cause I don't know what i'm gonna do... i can't live anymore... Not like this. Not ever.Why is life so broken. Why? I can't fight tears... there is no way. They win! I give up. I can't explain it and I can't understand.. i just give up!
I'd do anything....
Monday, January 13, 2003
I'd do anything....
I really would... God help me. I'm in love. A love that won't quit or die. The kind of love that gives you breath but smothers u at the same time. The kind that brings lies and truth. The kind that consumes your soul... I've waited so long to feel like this..as a little girl it was all i wanted. i was so wrong so very wrong. When making a wish like that be sure to stipulate that the one u love , loves u back because if they don't you will hurt. a pain that is like no other. No one can help u. All u want to do is cry. Thoughts about how stupid and useless u are fill your head. U wanna take a whole shitload of pills and never feel love again. love bites. It hurts. It isn't fair. Everyone tells u they underdtand but u don't care. U don't want to care about any one or anything because u have know come to realize that when u give someone your heart they either trample it or give it away again. Human disregard. hmmmm. Love in disguise? that's what it seems like. Who feels like a kleenex... there's a metaphor for ya.. in more way than one. ( actually one's a simlie and one's a metaphor.. not that u cared anyway). I hate this place. I hate this feeling. I hate this situation. I hate these decisons. and lastly and most importantly I hate myself more than anyone else on earth. Goodnight.
Love
Monday, January 13, 2003
Love
Love is drivin me crazy. CRAZY! If love never fails than what the hell am i feeling? errrrr. Help me. Oh there will be a poem about this. I can't remember the last time i hurt quite like this. It is new. I don't know what to do. All i see is I don't need this. Scratch my name off... cut these chains off. And in the stress to be the best
I've done it all, I've slammed the doors, I jammed the locks,
I've laid the bricks, I built the walls, No one could tell me back then,
Why joy eluding me,
Kept bumpin into that misery,
Locked up deep down inside of me.
Have you ever known that something in ur life was really wrong or missing all together and that there was no way to get it back... or u didn't even have it in the first place. It's like emptiness only u can't fix it... you can't cry out for help because you don't know whatis wrong ... all u can do is cry. And cry i did! I can't stop... this snowday was such a bad idea... now i'm here all alone... with no reason to put on a front the water works come out, the flood gates are open. I feel so stupid... i just don't get it. errrrrrrrrr! I'm not sure anyone has ever felt like i feel like now. I love the way he stands in my way. The way he holds me with his eyes. I can't move. It's like everything i've ever known is a lie and he brings truth. Sometimes a dream and sometimes a reality. it hurts my head. I let people break down every wall and yet i feel so safe. I'm surrounded but alone. VERY ALONE. I miss the way things u used to be and yet i don't. I just want to be happy again.Cause I cried a little too hard, a little too long and what I thought was right was way too wrong,
It was too far gone.
I can't bring back the love,
There just isn't enough,
Unavailable, it's impossible, unsaveable. I've got to go
But baby I've tried. I've failed.
It's sad but true!
Thursday, January 2, 2003
It's sad but true!
What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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The Chicka's New Years Bash
Wednesday, January 1, 2003
The Chicka's New Years Bash
Humpy Lichtenstein... you gotta dig that crazy cat. You see you take it and put it your pocket like so... and cream , glorious cream.... lol... laugh till your lungs burst. You can't put mustard on that! Oh that guy... he's in the box down stairs. The floors here are so shiny ... .they're slippery.. we made floor angels! Salty pretzels... oh girl... I've had the time of my life... you are my best... we'll be at each other's weddings... i wanna hear that song again! lol.
She falls into the dark...
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
She falls into the dark...
That's where i am.. welcome to my world... the world where no one wins except for hate and loneliness. Its dark here... no light seeps in... you don't know how you got here and you definitely can't find your way back. I figure.... someone leads you here and abandons you.. you trust in love and it bites you in the ass and leaves you with nothing... thats right a big empty hole in your soul that gets bigger with time. Passion is here to cloud your mind to tell you its good go for it! Ha! thats crap.... its more like.. well if you do you'll get hurt.. if you don't then you'll hurt. and then you have the anger.. the anger that someone you love so much could hurt you so bad.. could leave you hanging with so much... could break your heart and laugh or pretend its all ok... they do it. They don't care.. and i've gotten to the pathetic point in my life where i don't care..i don't care bout me.. it makes you happy? .. go right ahead.. wake me up when its over... i could care less.. use me. toss me aside .. some back to me like leftovers.... sloppy seconds that's all i am.. hopelessly pathetic.. to think that people change... like the benefit of the doubt... i do it everytime... lets get ourselves in a situation where there is only one way out.. can anyone say moron? that's right JO! errrrrrr. I hate me so much right now... so stupid... so nieve but mostly weak.... pathetically weak... they light u up and then u fall for them.. its all an act.. u can't win ever. Pathetically and hopelessly weak... i will never amount to anything so why waste my time.. never.
Lonely girl....
Friday, December 27, 2002
Lonely girl....
Some people are here for the better>
Some people are here for the worse>
Some people are here to ease pain>
Some people are here to hurt>
Some people are meant for love>
Some people are meant for hate>
Some people here have found God>
For Some people it's too late>
Some people are to lead the way>
Some people are here to get lost>
Some people are here for sacrifice>
For some people it's too great a cost>
Some people here a good friends>
Some people break my heart>
Some people really confuse me>
Some people rip me apart>
Some people cause me joy>
Some people cause me tears>
Some people step in for a short time>
Some people stay for years>
Some people will be saved>
Some people will not>
Some people count their losses>
Some people give thanks for what they've got>
Some people drop me like I'm nothing>
Some people forget I live>
Some people use me for all I'm worth>
To Some people I will give>
I want nothing in return>
Except to see love spread>
I want to see something flourish>
Out of painful love that's dead.>
"This is me" lyrics!
Friday, December 27, 2002
"This is me" lyrics!
This Is Me>
Yeah I have my addictions>
I keep my share of secrets>
And things you'll never see>
I get selfish and defensive>
And pay too much attention to my insecurities.>
Though I I'm just like everybody else>
I try to love Jesus and my soul>
I don't know what you believe>
What you think of what you see>
But this is a part of me>
What I do and who I am>
All of my impurities>
are right here on my sleeve>
This is me>
Yes my heart breaks for the homeless>
I worry about my parents>
And all my bills are late>
Yeah I'm dealing with the changes>
This complicated strangeness>
Of seeing life this way>
I'm just like everybody else>
I try>
Lord I try to love Jesus and myself>
I don't know what you believe>
What you think of what you see>
But this is a part of me>
What I do and who I am>
All of my impurities>
are right here on my sleeve>
This is me>
This is me>
I laugh at silly movies>
tear up when I see babies>
And I'm stubborn as a stone>
Yeah I critisize my body>
I wonder if I'm ready to ever be alone>
Oh I'm just like everybody else>
I cry yes I cry just like everybody else>
I don't know what you believe>
What you think of what you see>
But this is a part of me>
What I do and who I am>
all of my impurities>
are right here on my sleeve>
this is me>
This is just me>
I'm not afraid, I'm not ashamed>
This is me>
Christmas Dealie!
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
Christmas Dealie!
Christmas Espionage anyone? Thanx so much for me get away girl! I owe u! my partner in crime! Won't u guys leave them alone? I can't believe he's gonna wear those! It's crazy! Tee's wiry! so crazy! Oh that's what Christmas should be about. The laughing till u just can't take no more! No more please! When will the laughing stop? Never Never. Ewwww you ate my hair... get that out of your mouth. First I was afraid, I was petrified, To think that i could never live without you by myside? ha ha ha! one big heaping pile of laughter thats what we all needed. I love you guys so much. So much. I wish you the awesomest Christmas ever! God Bless, Love always!
Some of God's Greatest Gifts are unsanswered prayers.
Saturday, December 21, 2002
Some of God's Greatest Gifts are unsanswered prayers.
Just becasue God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't hear them. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. For example..... i once was once
convinced i was in love with an individual who will remain nameless.... I spent every waking moment praying to God that he and I would be together forever and that he would love me as muched as I loved him. I was so convinced he was the one that i wasn't listening to what God was telling me. Well as I look back now... had God granted that prayer i would be in one big unhappy, messy relationship. It was the greatest gift God could give me. Sure it hurt and i thought i was all alone that even God didn't want anything to do with me , but now I understand. I wasn't alone. I was being spared.... i was given a gift. An unanswered prayer. Ironically, though it hurt so much then, i can't think of better way for things to turn out. So from now on don't think that God isn't answering your prayers because he doesn't hear them or because he doesn't love you. God always loves, and always knows what's best even when you don't, even when your feelings are ruling your heart and you can't think about the long term. God will be there! Always!
Exactly Where I Saw Myself...
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Exactly Where I Saw Myself...
I sat at tonight's Christmas concert and I realized I'm exactly where i wanna be. I've accomplished everything I had wanted since Grade nine ( except for the university stuff). I play first trombone in jazz band and symphonic band, I am ( soon to be was) in Quintet. I am editing our yearbook, I have so may art paintings running through my head 24/7, i've sold two pieces and have been comissioned to do two more. Now that calc is gone my average is awesome and i can easily get into my choice of law and fine arts programs .... that's right for those of you that know me you know i'm crazy. I love to do everything especially at once, I flourish in a high stress environment, someone has to take on the leadership role, I want to have a double major, i want to major in law likely ( corporate) but also in the fine arts. I love arts and my gift is artistic expression. I've even done things I thought i never would, I'm promotion/ co-atmosphere manager of an awesome Christian coffeehouse. I've met the most amazing person ever but he lives far from here. sigh, we'll thats the way it is. Far away is better than nothing. We have an awesome emotional connection. I may never meet him but i'm a better person for knowing him. At least now i know what i need and what to look for to make a relationship work. I have a rekindled trust in my friends. It's Christmas... I love Life. Today is Mike's birthday. Happy birthday Mike! I miss you!... Although i often lose faith in humanity.... that is what spurs me on to purge ideas and to try to make the world see to make it a better place. I could never lose my faith in God and this is my goal. I deliver a message to the world through my art.... plus I love the social ideas of law, most of which developed from judeo-Christianity anyways, I want to be the reason the world is a better place and then have it stay that way. I love everyone so much. I refuse to give in to hate in all its forms. It can push and shove all it wants but it's not gettin' in this heart. I have learned so many things on my way here. Those lessons I owe to God. My journies I owe to God. I pray that you may have and seize as many opportunities as I have... The greatest way to serve is to give a piece of yourself. Godbless you all, I'm so lucky to have you. Jo
Goodbye too soon.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Goodbye too soon.
Last night this world said goodbye to ,and God said hello, to Andrew or as most of us knew him.. A.J. Although i did not know him well.. he still touched my life and the lives of many. I heard on the radio this morning.... that he had a snowmobile accident in a field and tried to walk to the adjacent highway for help. He made it to the highway where he collasped. Someone called the hospital but he passed away on the way there. It hurts so much that someone so young and full of potential is gone. Pray for A.J , pray for his new eternal life with the Lord. I wrote this poem today in English....... You were here, now you're gone, you have graced our lives but not for long. Life's goals and dreams, left incomplete, in afterlife, out of our reach. The world lives on, though we can't see how, things unbalanced, then with now. You may be lost, but not in spirit, please send your music, we'll always hear it.........A.J was in Jazz band... he played saxophone and he was so very talented. He was a gentleman and a good friend to many. He was a good person. This world will suffer greatly from his loss. I ask you to please pray for his soul and his friends and family who are having a hard time right now. God Bless and save them. Amen.
Who comes first?
Monday, December 9, 2002
Who comes first?
I've spent so much time defending my faith.. to my parents... to my friends... to my family... to those i thought loved and understood me. I've spent so much time trying to justify my faith when that's not what it should be about. It's not about explaining my belief it's about living my belief. I don't need to please others... the only one i need to please comes first. My father , my lord, my rock, my savior. I need to please God. He comes first and he will be there till the last. I am refocused. It's like God has seen my light grow dim and i have been re-lit... with all the energy i need to be contagious ...to bring his word to the dark corners or the world. To spread the light. That light comes first. It's hard to accomplish anything of worth while fumbling around in the dark. I wanna review my light ... pure light is what pierces the harshest darkness... I hope all of you experience pure light this holiday season.. but just ask yourselves... Who comes first.. How has priority ... Who is keeper of the light? Who comes first? Remember. Pray... God bless. I love you. It's all good. It's all God.
hey tee... it's a possible song for our isu... just rough words really.... what do ya think guys?
Saturday, December 7, 2002
hey tee... it's a possible song for our isu... just rough words really.... what do ya think guys?
Life isn't what I want...
People aren't what You need...
They take ur faith and twist it...
Till u know u have to leave.
Do not entrust all...
But please be fully loving...
This world is full of hate...
Please don't stop the hope from comin.
There is no where to run
and no where to hide...
fall through this world...
to the other side...
Crash bang and burn...
get hurt on the way...
They can't always break u...
there will come a day...
Don't let anyone tell u what u are.
Don't let anyone leave a life long scar .
Don't let anyone tell u what u believe.
Wake up and see what there is to see.
You are here.
Can't go back...
take a chill pill..
just relax...
they can take away ur hope ... ur love ... ur life ur place...
but there ain't any way they can get to ur faith.
Christmas...
Sunday, November 24, 2002
Christmas...
Christmas is coming... for those of u who know me you know how nutz i go at Christmas. I love those Jazz carols!!! Let it snow!!! It did! Yay. I can't get enough of what Christmas does. It feeds hope, fuels generosity,it inspires. Plus there is always the SHOPPING! i love shoppin especially for gifts. I love whatching someone open a gift... you can tell by the look on their face and you know that you mastered the shoppin and you got tha perfect gift. that's right even when it comes to shoppin i'm a perfectionist. meh! well if its worth doin its worth geting perfect! Christmas dinner is comin' if ur readin this and you didn't get the e-mail invite rest assured u are invited... i just don't have ur address. So please by all means ask me about it. The more the merrier. I'm so full of love and life right now... if anyone wants to borrow some of my hope they are welcome to. Talk to me... God has made me strong right now. I can be happy for both of us. Please don't hesitate to call if there's anything i can do for you! I love you all som much. have an awesome week , Merry Pre-Christmas and God Bless.
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Blinded
Got lost on a path
Can't learn from the past
Caught up in the moment
The one that never lasts.
You have known the pain
A broken heart can bare
But you get lost in your mind
You think think u see whats there.
You only see by choice
You block out the bad
You leave your past behind
Lose track of what you had.
You wanna see the world
From through his eyes
It is he that blinds you
Through all the tears you cry.
You can live for him
The lonely times are blinding
But know that you'll missed
The rest of life's not hiding
To wake up every day
Do nothing but follow your heart
Put trust in your love
God will do his part
Just don't live love in blindness
Just don't ignore the pain
Embrace the happy times
Love life just the same
Know you're not alone
That love's not always blessed
You'll always have your faith
Your weary heart must rest.
Faith
Everything is real,
You can't escape this place,
You can't out run these feelings,
His tears stream down your face.
You let go of all doubts,
And put your trust in him,
You waited for a miracle,
For your life to once begin.
You committed with your love,
Your trust is proof of faith,
You prayed for those you loved,
You pray these things can wait.
Life is like a book,
He writes the plot, your master plan,
You just have to believe,
Leave your heart inside his hand.
He'll never leave your side,
He cannot betray,
In faith you'll live forever,
If in his grace you'll stay.
Who else can make this promise,
Who else would take you in,
Where else would you go,
You'd be lost if you lost him.
For Eve...
You touched us all but not for long, I blink my eyes and now you're gone. Life isn't fair tears fill my head. This is too hard, why are you dead. We miss you so much,its hard to express, I miss your hope and your happiness. You played the game hard, but now it is done, I may seem like you lost but I know you won. Now you watch from the heavens above, I may have lost you but I still have your love.
Proved her Wrong
She thought he was a man of honour.
A guy who kept his word.
She thought that she knew him.
That's how she was assured.
She thought that she could trust him.
With the secrets of her soul.
She thought she understood him.
Thought she was in control.
She thought that he loved her.
God knows she loved him.
He went ahead and proved her wrong.
Her glowing heart grew dim.
She thought she really knew him.
But he proved her wrong.
This time there's no forgiveness.
She'd forgiven for too long.
But love is sometimes blinding.
Cause she'll forgive and then forget.
Then she'll wake up tommorrow to relive and regret.
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