Just Another Girl

Be never too young, never too old, always strong enough to live and inquire, ever loving, always kind. May life share its many blessings with you, and may its burdens be ever light. The wind at your back, the sun in your soul, and my love in your heart now and forever.

For cousin Holly, To Baby, sweet special girl, you fill me with love and admiration. Brave girl, may your life be ever easy,on calm seas, with kind people, gentle breezes, sunny days and if a storm should ever come one day remember how much I love you.

Everyday Revelations
Monday, July 5, 2004

Everyday Revelations

Look out the car window, Feel the breeze in your face, Overanalyze existence, The blueprint for this place. What drives these people, Supports the bad and good, Has people do the wrong thing Instead of what they should, Has you walk the road thinking, Are others thinking too? Do they have something to prove, Do they plan the same as you, Can one person make a difference, Even in another soul, To change the way things are, When you're given no control Are certain things illusion Designed to keep up goin, To keep us ever hoping, Without our disappointment showing, Is there really selfless love, Or is it just the bait, To illude to the good, Before its far too late.

In Case You Didn't Know...
Thursday, May 20, 2004

In Case You Didn't Know...

In light of recent tragic events and losses i have learned from... i want to tell all of you so thing in case you don't know.... I LOVE YOU. I can;t remember the last time i said that to some of you. But I really truly honestly do with all my heart. I don't know what in life changes.... but i know what never does... I LOVE YOU. All of you with no exception.... so in case you have forgotten at any point in your life .... I love you. And you know where i am. secondly ...for those of you who i haven;t seen forever.... I MISS YOU!!!.... are you gettin these?... I MISS YOU and I LOVE YOU!.... now moving on.... thirdly... what would i do without you.... freak out... be bored .... have no one to talk to .... have no one to love... and no one to love me. everywhere i turn i see you and everywhere i fall you catch me... I NEED YOU...I NEED YOU SOOO MUCH!.... yeppers.... and also... if i stop and think about you all separately i can think of times we've had and little things you say and do that make me laugh and things that remind me of you... YOU ARE SPECIAL.... not to mention crazy but we'll keep that part on the dl... And lastly no matter how much your life sucks... GOD LOVES YOU... thats right the big man upstairs gives way more than your average two cents about ya... your life is so valuable. This is just in case you didn;t know.... I LOVE YOU,I MISS YOU, I NEED YOU, GOD LOVES YOU. Have a good weekend guys and i hope to see you all... love you HUGS!!!

Thank you for shopping at Sears
Sunday, May 16, 2004

Thank you for shopping at Sears

Yeppers. I have joined the sears family. ha ha ha... mmm hot electritians.... i'll take my chances with that boy from recieving... he he he. Any ways the real title of this should be " so happy with life right now".... or " smiling for long periods of time with no reason to"... Life is great... i have a job i love for the first time ever... i have a new social circle which i think i really needed. And i have mel, kenny, jono and my lisas... lol...i want to thank you guys for the little things... otherwise i might never get a chance to. I love you guys and you rock. Just being with you makes me remember why I love this place so much. You make waking up everyday easier... camping this weekend!!! I'm excited...life could hand me anything right now and i would just smile dumbfounded and take it. I don;t understand how i got to be so lucky. How did i end up here. My average made the cut off and i beat the competition... look out criminiology i'm coming for you and there's nothing you can do about it...lol... and next law school... i have so much ambition right now... I found a job i love... with people i love. I found a peace and a patience that makes dealing with my family easier... i have the most gracious friend in the whole world... whom is taking my sister and her friend to an evanescence concert out of the goodness of her heart... although i'm sure me and kenny will love it too.lol. i feel like i've walked all the way to the waters edge... i thought i was stuck... but little did i know i could swim and now all those days i spent feeling so alone.... seem so far away... no more trembling... no more longing... i feel so sure of where things are goin... Today truly is a gift... Today is worth two tomorrows. For the first time in my life.... ever.... i've cried my happy tears. i found the time to cherish what's been given. I love you guys. I miss you Mel... more than you know. Sometimes more than i know too. It's bedtime for me... i have another 10 hour day setting up the new store... it's amazingly beautiful. You should check it out. LOVE YOU!!!! LOVE YOU TO PIECES!!! muah!

Thank you for shopping at Sears
Sunday, May 16, 2004

Thank you for shopping at Sears

Saturday, May 8, 2004

Ok people here's the deal. You say pitas are evil... and my response to that is that sure you go ahead and blame the pitas... it's the people ... the people and the words they write. Well the poem below is written entirely of my own words. And don't get me wrong i hope i love all of you for all my life. But those are my words. Yep my words, derived from how i feel right now and i take full responsibility for them. If you don't like them then write whatever words you want in response but please just make sure they are words you are willing to take responsibility for. Love to you all.

The Drift
Saturday, May 8, 2004

The Drift

I feel like I've outgrown it here, See how you've made this place, I've outgrown the petty lies, Lives of jealous disgrace. I now carry a guilt, Having lost something so dear, But this life has changed you, And me a lot over a year. We can hug in public , Although the friendship's faded, I love you because of what once was, But my heart has been persuaded. I know that we made some promises, Naive young girls we were, To think we wouldn't change, Now that life is just a blur. But I know this place is hard, And nothing's what it seems, So I wish you all the luck, At chasing all your dreams. But I must keep on walking, Life's path never ends, But I keep walking knowing, I was blessed to call you friend.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

It's good to be home...mmm... home... but just to make it clear to everyone...i am not "real world"... i kinda wish people would just stay out of my affairs... i have settled all that i wanted with people... two friendships going somewhere ( you have no idea how excited i am about that).... woo hoo goin somewhere...maybe even stronger and one on the rocks... but thats ok... the important thing is that i've invested so much love and now tho frustrated and beginning to understand things i'm investing even more... so many memories... so many times to make more... i'm excited for new friends i have made out of awkward and painful situations...but before i go... Melissa... and i don't mean Brelsford...i have to admire you for sticking up for your sis... its what a good sister would do... and altho i really shouldn't have to explain myself...the main part of my feelings written in that "controversial to some" entry were not directed at your sis...there are too many heart strings between the two of us to break apart and say goodbye...i have to admit that goodbye was a harsh answer to how i felt ... but the key thing is that was how i felt...it can't be wrong... or right... so from now on when i write in here people please keep in mind its how i feel when i'm lost in the emotion...how i feel but not what i think... but i'll try and keep it to poetry... it seems to cause less controversy ( i dunno if its b/c no one reads it or no one gets it...he he he)...to me how i feel and how i act are two different things since i tend to be and over emotional girl.... but i realize how they could easily have been confused... this is where i vent...where i cry... where i scream... where i get excited... where i am elated... if you have questions about what i've said just ask away... i'll be more than happy to answer... to those of you on your reading weeks or who have one coming up... please be safe on ur trips to and from school and have a great time. Love you all... even if u choose not to love me. Chickas live on... even through all this crap... remember its not us... were just going sane in a crazy world. peace and love.

goodbye...thanks for nothing
Sunday, February 1, 2004

goodbye...thanks for nothing

Hello everyone... to those of you in my life... and by in my life i mean i have talked to u in at least a week...thank you and I love you so much... to those of you this excludes... meh... altho i used to feel a sense of loss... i no longer do... so enough... i mean enough fake courtesies crap...you are no longer friends... does a non- exsistent relationship really deserve to be awarded the title of friends... you could ignore me so more...or perhaps u can't pick up a phone... or maybe ur fingers are broken and u can't type..... or maybe you're lazy... yes i think that's it... and well i'm venting... i have recently found that some of you are liars too... well imagine my shock that my ex-friends who abandoned me so quickly could also be liars... ha!... i hope you're enjoying my sarcasm... if i see u in the future trust me it will have been by accident or coincidence... or perhaps you will be at the same party or event... but just so u know... the distance makes no difference to me... my true friends, my good friends, my only friends made it work... but for you... that's right... to those i now leave... goodbye... the distance means nothing to me... so know this... altho it may be too much work for you to acknowledge that i exist when i'm so far away... or perhaps i'm just easy to forget about... but either way if i come face to face with you in the future... you can rest assure u will be given the same treatment you have given me... nothin... you will get nothin.... but wait i don't want to be like you.... so know this... that i may smile or wave... or maybe even hug... but it is for show... i will feel nothing... nothing except bitterness as i remember how inconvient it was for you to be there for me. You hurt me... i thought i had a good judge of character... but i was wrong ... i've grown up and i have realized there is no reason to carry around baggage i don't need... cuz when the water starts rising... you're only gonna drag me down... and i am not helping you out... nope... not this time... goodluck with life... i hope you learn things... goodbye.

Thats when I love you
Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Thats when I love you

When you have to look away

When you dont have much to say

Thats when I love you

I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak

Or see you walk with two left feet

Thats when I love you

I love you, endlessly

And when your mad cuz you lost a game

Forget Im waiting in the rain

Baby i love you,

I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight

You can count me for life

Thats when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

Thats when I love you,

WhenI love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes

Cause the movie it made you cry

Thats when I love you

I love you a little more each time

And when you cant quite match your clothes

Or when you laugh at your own jokes

Thats when I love you

I love you, more than youll know

And when you forget that we had a date

Or that look that you get when you show up late

Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Heres my promise made tonight

You can count me for life

Thats when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

Thats when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

Thats when I love you

When nothing baby

Nothing can make you change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

Thats when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

No matter what

tonight
Monday, December 15, 2003

tonight

too far gone...a situation you've lived before... somethin that one should learn from but its a trap... it leaves you as always... the endless cycle of your love... to be wasted... to be never returned.... to leave you in tears... like i am right here right now... to feel so undenyably used... like a disgarded kleenex.... you have served your momentary purpose... to think you have found someone to love, someone to hold... to be close enough to trust someone... to truely love them.... and now to be here where i always am... so close... but on the wrong side of the fence...destined to remember every moment... to keep my distance and never let go... to be so close and so far at the same time... to feel so much pain that my heart might never be the same ... that it will always remember.... to be scared and hurt... messing you up not only the present but also the future... how can i trust now... this is where trust gets me... pining alone...typing awful dribble well the tears just keep on coming... and i hurt so bad.... thats the only identifiable feeling... that i'm hurting.... at the same time i am confused mess.... i feel angry... stupid... sorry... lost...used...betrayed... i would be content just to cry forever... not that i'm sure you're worth it...tears ...yep... who thought i could let you cause tears again...i'm so tired... tired... all i was searching for was a place to be loved... but u couldn't give that to me... and now....well here i am.... and there you are... you have what u thought u wanted and i have a world i can't rise above... i really hope that you are happy ... i truely love you and i hope that you find what makes u happy... i just wish it didn't have to hurt this badly...u have a piece of my heart...forever missing and forever painful... goodnight

Sunday, November 9, 2003

this is my life... one huge mistake... even my feelings are mistakes... yeppers thats me ..overly emotional intuitive me... who lives one big giant fuck up... who is wasting her time...on the things that don't matter... on hope and patience as if they'll pay off... how many mistakes are made by something that you don't correct... ur supposed to fix the problem... u are supposed to end it. Well would someone or something just step in and end me...i am one big mistake...its inevitable...as soon as i feel i fall... and it will never change... its a cycle of being weak and broken... and stupid... i have no defense... no hope... its dumb to waste my energy on that stupid stuff now... whoever said hope is perserverance was wrong... i keep goin... i just don't care...i'm so tired... there is no consequence any more... i mean what can happen to me that i haven't already earned... this is why i can't be happy... i never realized it... but recent events have showed me... i can't succeed and i can't be happy because i am a mistake...yeppers thats me...just a mistake begging to be erased

Sunday, November 9, 2003

I said words I had never said before And although u stopped to listen We're still friends and nothing more

You don't understand You can't see my point of view You can't know how much it hurts To be in love with you

To want something that's so close but can never really be to have have met the perfect person But have fate disagree

To fall for one as good as you is like a dream come true but my only problem is I can never have you

I'd like to make you love me But it doesn't work like that Love is a conclusion One you must arrive at

You'll never know how bad this hurts or how many tears i cried I may have lost my hope but at least i know i've tried

And although i'm hurting, I have to understand that you can't help who You love and it can never be planned

You really are amazing and I hope you come to see That if a girl doesn't see that Then she isn't meant to be

This is my acceptance This is not goodbye But the tears just keep on comming I can't help but cry

I hope you find happiness I hope you get your girl And i'll learn to be content Just to just have you in my world

ut i know treasure when i find it And a friend like you is rare So friends we'll always be And I will always care

three days left
Tuesday, October 7, 2003

three days left

I'm just a little homesick, It's still good, It's still good... i keep tellin myself that there's more to me than you but truth be told i feel like there is very little without you guys... i want to come home so badly... i keep thinking that maybe if i sleep the next three days away the time will go faster and then i can climb on a bus and come home...I miss my mom... she cleaned my room and got me new bedding and stuff... she rocks... i miss shoppin with her... i miss it a lot... and our drives...and watching girly movies... i miss dad too...i haven't been called boy for a long time... no one here asks me to fetch them chocolate popsicles or cans of pepsi... no one here sings offkey and does a little dance outside my room really early in the morning... I miss lolo... no one here thinks that stupid stuff is funny... i have yet to laugh till i cry ... i miss trips to crabby joes... i miss mookie... no one here has long fuzzy ears and a cute little nose... no one here is cuddly... i miss Melissa... no one here will go to aldo with me... no on here wants to check out guys butts...no one here hugs me... no one makes me laugh...cept lisa... she's the only godsend... i miss my guy friends... they smell good... i miss St.Ratford... i wanna come home... but at the same time i'm afraid that if i come home i won't be able to turn around and come back...i will be home tho... nothing can keep me away... and for those i truly miss... know that there is no place where my heart can't find you... love you lots... see you soon

You Can't Love Me....
Saturday, September 27, 2003

You Can't Love Me....

You can't hear me Screaming from behind my wall

You can't see me

crying from beneath my mask

You can't feel my pain

Hidden inside these eyes

You can't taste my guilt

Lost amongst my false confidence

You can't touch my heart

I've hidden it so deep ... it's lost.

What I keep from the world, I keep from you.

You won't find me

You don't know me

You can't love me.

Everything's not lost
Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Everything's not lost

Here it is.... i know wow.... i'm updatin...Well what can i say I'm at Nip U... I love it here... I love my roomates...they are the best girls in the world... i love my classes... i do so much less than i did in my oa year...woo hoo. Northgate mall is amazing. I have 1000 dollars to spend on myself this year... i love monies... oh and thats just extra spending cash i get a 100 a week for food and other dealies....I miss everyone altho... some of my friends obviously don't miss me... if you don't make and effort then why should i?... huh?... just wonderin...I have new friends here tho... they make me happy... oh and Mel .... I MISS YOU!... there's no one to make fun of people with ugly shoes at the bus stop... there's no one to make me do crazy stuff and drink shot after shot... they have tangerine sour puss here... and there's more than one lcbo!... 308...It's the place to be...I miss my family and mookies... i don't look forward to goin home for a few reasons ... when i get there and i stand in the front step and open the door... it always reminds me of how Jebbies used to come greet me.... I miss her most of all...more than anythin... cept Grampa... i miss him too...You don't always now how blessed you are until the blessing is gone.. i keep telling myself that it's not what is gone... it's what u had in the first place... but it never works... i still cry now... who knows when i'll stop... only I would still be crying now... good old over emotional me... but what else would i expect.... nothing more and nothing less... just disguised weakness... and false strength... sometimes its all i know.... and all that makes me persevere... i can't have what i want so i just lie to myself... i've gotten good at it.... but i still can make out the difference between what matters and what doesn't... I don't... not to a lot of people... but to those of you who care... I love you so much... and because i don't like to think about taking anymore blessings for granted... i'm stopping to take a moment to tell you.... I appreciate you and I love you... So much... Never forget that... *hug*... if you ever feel neglected you know where to find me... I may be broken but I know that Everything's not lost. Love ya! Peace... have a good one.

"As others have stung me with hatred, My chosen weapon remains Love."

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