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Here lies my story:
I am deadly excited for school to be over and done. How the days past too slowly... Laura baked a cake at 08:42 p.m. Bah. Didn't get to present my camera project today becuase people took a long time, so I was pushed back til Wednesday. Trouble with that is, I won't be here; I have league finals, meaning I have to go on Friday ALL ALONE. It's not so much of a big deal, but I had to carry around 30 extra pounds of baggage all through the day, as we ran around during our Code Red drill. Anyway, that was just amusing, seeing the entire school out on the football field like a bunch of sheep herding together. Laura was the black sheep at 08:00 p.m. I know the turn-around rate of anime is actually pretty quick these days, but I want the Cowboy Bebop movie NOW!!! NOW, goddamit! And no imposter E-bay copies, either! Laura banged her head against the wall at 08:54 p.m. You know what? People try to insult me by saying how immature and childish I am/look. But, really, it's quite a compliment. I've seen all too many people grow up into nasty money-grubbing and conceited folks and there is no way I want to subject myself to that kind of torture. It seems like once the innocence of being young is gone, there isn't any exuberance left to live, and emotions are forgotten entirely. Please, please don't let me become this way. Laura pondered on people at 11:28 p.m. My father and I used to have this great one-of-a-kind relationship where we could joke about anything, and just hang out together doing nothing. Well I suppose someday I had to grow up, right? I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, the bond we held was broken. It's so lame now, that we get so angry at eachother. I pretend that we've still got something special; I always think in my head "Glad my dad's not like that" when I hear about other people getting beaten by their parents or otherwise. But the truth is, unfortunatly, he pisses me off more than anyone I know. More than big-hair little-body, who, as of late, has been giving me absolute respest for some reason. Off the bat, I would say it's because we love eachother. And, yeah, I know that is true. But when I apply this to my actions and remind myself not to blame him or to not punish him for being himself, it only lasts a few hours before I can't take it anymore. It's weird because I know that the only reason he does certain things is purposely to make me angry. That is what hurts me the most. Tonight at dinner, I tried to have a civilized conversation with him regarding why I get upset so often, and he made me cry. Then, he started yelling at me for embarrassing him in public, thus making me more upset. Grr... he makes me more angry than anyone. Laura sulked at 08:31 p.m. Baa doo Ba; Ba doo Ba, Ba doo ba, baa do baa, *inaudible* Umm, just download "cats on mars" from Yoko Kanno. Laura jammed at 09:08 p.m. Today was a kick ass day... I mean, classes, sure, those are nothing special, but you know... it's the inbetween moments that matter. Lunch was spiffy; what with having a hopscotch game and all. No one had any upsetting lil spirits haunting their socks for today, so we all ended up so cheery you might of thought we were on laughing gas. I don't know why, but when you are around people you genuinely enjoy, you tend to break out in fits of laughter over things that are not normally that entertaining. But, what can you say... it's all about the company you keep? Badminton kicked; except for some shallow volleyball player who was shouting racial slurs at the other team and got our team in trouble...even though we were related solely by the fact that he attends the same school as us, although none of us supported him... Anyway, I am afraid to go to the dentist because I am afraid I will need a root canal. Oh Lord, how that freaks me out. As a corny quote that is turning out to be true, "New love blooms in Spring" =D Laura flipped pancakes at 08:03 p.m. I had an amazing nine days... Supremely rewarding if I do say so myself! This was one of those weeks when a whole mess of important projects are due, and there was tests and quizzes galore!! All of which I aced! No, seriosuly. And Ms. Caywood actually gave me an A- on my paper; a great suprise from a woman like her... I kicked ass on those easy, though worth a thousand bucks for the effort STAR tests, and (for the most part) dealt with the three consecutive badminton games well, too. So there was a slight ripple of uncertainty, but whence it was gone and passed it made me feel great. Of course, all this made me completely tired, but then there was Fanime! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, too, I was at that hotel blowing my money on items of obscurity and the likes. But you know... it was fun. There's this anime the american people are dubbing called I, My, Me! Strawberry Eggs! It's really weird... this guy cross-dressing to get a teacher's job and a young girl enamored with "her." Very... uhhhm... "what the fuck." So that brings me to today, and now all I am left with is nothing; no energy, no money. But I'm still happy... Laura tried to play DDR and sucked at it at 07:59 p.m. Ahh, you gotta love early ninties and late eighties sitcoms. So corny, so silly. Ahh, thank the heavens for Nick at Night. And Cowboy Bebop on Adult Swim!! Television is my savior to escape the dull reality I am part of, much to my dismay. Ahh, yes, the joys of badminton. I had a bad day at our game. I missed a whole bunch of easy things, and I think I made Mandy pissed. Anyway, it's not rewarding to me just to win is what i'm saying. Laura pleh plehed at 09:43 p.m. I saw Incubus and Hoobastank last night! They kicked my ass! Normally, i would love to speak more on the matter, but my head weighs that of ten bricks and I cannot resist the urge to rest it on a nice fluffy flannel pillow... I feel guilty about something, but i can't recall what. It's caused me to have lapses now and again. I don't know why, but I'm always one of those sick kids, having emotional and pysical truobles. I wish I was stronger on the inside; that would improve it all. I just feel so futile... Laura rock a byed at 10:57 p.m. I swear... almost every time I think something incredible and great is going to happen in my life, it never does. There's always a fall-out on the most important events. Or those sequences which would reach a very "happy-provoking" point never get there because the pattern which they follow is broken somewhere along the line. It would be nice to have a most-memorable time of the year. Or someone who I could claim such things as this: "_______ was the best thing that ever happened to me!" or "I met ________ and never looked back!" Just milestones of life that lately have been skipped over. Any time I meet someone who I truly think is a remarkable person, they always turn out to be some kid who can't stand up for himself. One of those "well, everyone else is doing it" kinda guys. I'm sick of these types. As far as events go, the more thrilling ones occured early on in the year and have gone downhill, more or less. But that's okay, I always have summer stuff to look forward too. Whooooo hoooooo. A quick bashing: Friends who do something to impress you and not for themselves in the least, well, I don't want them to be my friends. God, when did people turn into such jackasses...? Laura audiovented at 08:59 p.m. Last week I began writing the week out, but found that I didn't have enough time. I won't continue that, but rather... I'll start fresh with the new shit. catergorized, baby! (yeah?) Long Ass Project The essay is finally done! Turned in to the most critical history teacher! I just hope she gets laid prior to grading mine. Maybe she'll take it easy? My topic was cameras. Just... cameras, how they've changed/improved and yadda yadda. Not too interesting. Not as boring as power outages. Drama Like No Other You would think badminton could not cause such ruckus, you know? But this week's games had times of questionable uncertainty for some. Not for me, but for Maggie; Beth. Maggie and Mandy used to be partners, but they got split up, and now... Mandy's my partner. SO- Maggie is kinda left hanging and has to play on que. Beth's partner didn't go to the game on Thursday, and she was rather irked, understandably. But you know... that's exactly how it was for me for the first month. And it sucks, a lot. And I know that because I already experienced it. It's just ironic becuase now that it's happening to other people, the tables are turned. I wonder if anyone besides me realized that? We played Del Mar both Tuesday and Thursday, which was cool to talk to some of my old comrades. Seems that no one has really truly changed. I wish Megan would, but, ugh, I guess not. I'm just reminded of the people I met, but that takes me back to the begining of the year, when I was fucking forlorn. Then I realize how thankful I am to have people like Maggie, although we have our quarrels and awkward moments, she's been there through school transfers and all, and I respect her. Spectacular Events!!Incubus! And Hoobastank! With Maggie + Valerie! (Oh yeah, Patrick is going, too...) Fanime! Merchandise! Heaven! Jesus + Maggie + Brandon! (Among others) Warped Tour! Lots of good bands! Lots of good merchandise! And great company, too... Okay, there's other stuff, but it hasn't been finalized enough to count... Laura scratched up a memory at 10:43 a.m. Well, well, well, what a happening little schedule I've got going on. Between the Monterey Jack smelling Miracle Cholsuke (reffer to Maggie's journal for more) to the recent Cactuc Club antics, I have been coasting along feeling the highest of highs. Those two shows were both ones to remember, each in their own different ways, although the first one was a little dissappointing, I am sorry to say. Last night, my brother came home from Santa Cruz and drove a friend and I out to see "40 Days and 40 Nights". I know what you're thinking. Josh Hartnett, teenage heart-throb and why are you being sucked in there? Well, it's not that he's hot, because frankly, he has ugly eyebrows (but who am I to complain) but somehow (?) he intrigues both me and Maggie... Oops, I have to go to work, I'll type more later. Laura kazammed at 01:04 p.m. Bogged down with sickness of a thousand sneezes. Itchy inside my body where I can't scratch; throat scraping itself like rubbing sandpaper while my nose has reached it's maximum occupancy. Do you think Liquid Plumber works on noses? My dad left on business this morning. I used to be ungodly upset everytime he left. I've basically become less emotional towards that particular area, but it might be returning. I remember the first and worst time the insecurity struck; I was home sick for a week. While he was gone, I wouldn't eat; wouldn't laugh at all. I don't do that anymore, but as I think about it, I'm sick right now, so... My mom's great and all, but I don't want to bother her. The truth is, I want someone to take care of me. So I am able to do it myself, but it's so much more motivating to know there's someone there coaching you, because they want you back to your normal fun-loving self. With half my family gone, responsibilites are left to my mom. (Since I can't do much except sleep) I pretty much max myself out at school, and then, there's badminton. My spirits lifted when I realized my wrist wasn't paining, but once back in the game, I was dissappointed with my playing ability. All my shots went straight to their racket, and even when I would try to set them up, the birdy would shoot too far left and go out of bounds. I found that my endurance was greatly diminished; and after only seven or so minutes, I was sweating all over. Nasty? Why yes, oh yes. I just felt so embarrassed with Maggie watching and all, clapping when I scored a point although I didn't deserve it. She's an inspiration for me. I want to play well in general, but in some senses, I want to make her proud or something. We have a strange relationship, okay? One of my friends who I have known off and on well and good for the past five years won't be going to school with us anymore. It shouldn't be a big deal, considering I went to a completley different school all last year, but somehow, her doing independent study at home feels like she is moving out of state. I know I'll see her on weekends and online sometimes and sure I can call her, but it's not the same for things like that. She's just one of those people who you depend on seeing at school because you know that out of everyone, they will most definately greet you with respect and warmth. It's all happening so abruptly. I haven't even gotten a chance to sign a yearbook for her or anything. Overall, I feel that everything I have trusted in has failed me. Don't think I am saying that things have failed me. It isn't their fault; it's mine for relying on them too much. People whom I care for have left. My own health and energy is depreciating, and the sport I'm playing is practically forcing me to relearn the simplest of hits just to rally. I just...need to rely on myself instead. Laura coughed and sneezed at 07:25 p.m. Sometimes, I wonder how people would cope with different circumstances. If I was the new kid, knowing only, say, three people who I remember from sixth grade; say, three people who I wouldn't hang out with except for the fact that they are nice to me, would I make friends with other people fast enough? I suppose Del Mar was an experience like that; but it was freshamn year so it was like that for everyone. Or, where I am at now, if I attempted to befriends others would they turn me away or willingly accept me and my flaws? Then again, circumstances change with every school; this one being a huge exeption in practically every form. I swear, our school is fucked over in that nice, corny "we all live in peace" way where everyone is everyone's sister's friend. Most places aren't like that. I hope no one mistakes high school for the real world. At least not *this* high school. Laura considered another thing at 09:43 p.m. Went to see Fighting Jacks last night with a hoarde of interesting people. If you noticed, we were all basically in twos the whole time, which was so uniform it wasn't even funny. Anyway, I finally bought the Fighting Jacks / Keeping Ellis / Sloe split, to bring me much enjoyment. I ditched some of my friends though, because they're idea wasn't organized enough. Truly, though, it could have been hazardous. I feel that everyone has multiple personality flaws that each bring them down to the ground if they don't know how to deal with it. I have this horrible way of becoming twitterpated with practically any guy who is at least mildly attractive. It usually starts with the whole "oooh, he has nice shoes..." which is Laura-speak for "what a fine speciMAN of MEN" (I coined that term, woot woot) But then, if I get the chance to actually speak to these people, who usually are egotistical jackasses it wil go away. Except, yes, those cases where a genuinely nice corteous boy respects me (er, maybe not that, but at least is receptive and understanding) I just become infatuated on the spot. I've been lost in a maze of love for ages but no one will come rescue me. It doesn't bother me too much, given those moments when everyone else gets shown some love and I don't. If my "infatuation" persues another girl, I usually stay around for a while until I know I have no chance. This is probably a good point for me to lay off, and I do, but a month or so later, the feeling strikes again, sparked by some little meaningless hug or chance meeting. These emotions tear up my soul, and it is absolutely irritating. I've seen a few such people of my past loves in these past days, been reminded of everything. Laura talked in a nasly voice at 09:07 a.m. Badminton has become supremely fun. So what if I don't play until the end? It doesn't bother me because I get to talk to everyone and listen to horribly crazy dance music and "party on down" with my amigos. Whoop dee do, it actually is quite enjoyable. And I mean, that's all I ask really. Lost my first game; won the second. (Given they were entirely different ends of the spectrum, but still) Laura moved in circles at 08:55 p.m. Colleges send stupid mail. They try to make themselves sound interesting and unique, but you know if they have to send you alluring mail they probably aren't the best choice. I mean, come on... Here's a letter: "Awesome. OK...so maybe awesome is a bit outdated, and it probably sounds a little funny coming from me. But it's really the only word that does Montana State University justice." Yes, this is definately where I want to spend four years of my life. Oh and guess what guys? I got tickets to the Incubus/Hoobastank concert April 14! And I have Champions On Ice tickets as well! And I think Sno-core may be able to work out if planned accordingly! And tomorrow I am playing #2 singles for badminton! Which is a high spot considering I am inexperienced and overall "sucky". I am grateful, yes, but pretty nervous. I know I will not do very well most likely, but I wish I could. It would just make everything else so much better... By the way, I re-met this girl the on Friday. I saw her in English, hair dyed red, AFI pin on her bag, and I thought "Hey she seems cool..." Next thing I know we're reminiscing on elementry school. Turns out she was Desiree's best friend before she moved to Hollister. Then I became Desiree's best friend, then there was middle school and drama and new friends, and now I meet her again. I always thought she would turn out to be a "rapper girl" but no, what an intellectual and funny person she is. I'm quite glad to have her at this school. Oh, and Maggie, I hope you feel better and all is well soon. Laura went on walking at 09:13 p.m. By the way...the entry below this one was written in a moment of contempt. Disregard offensive comments; not all points directed at the same people so do not excpect I had you in mind, becuase if you are reading this, then it wasn't you. I was thinking of people who *don't* know about this. (Or so I am assuming...) Laura mentioned at 08:45 p.m. Not but five hours ago I felt completely shook up. More sad in some senses. Just one of those stupid things you don't want to tell anyone you were actually concerned about because of how lame it is. But I'll say what it is anyway. I am pretty self-concious, especially when I feel like I have to impress someone or prove a point. Although I do actually enjoy playing badminton, and I *do* play for the fun of it, but I also feel rather left out sometimes. I know I am not very good at it but in order to improve I need to get a lot of experience and practice against people who force me to improve. And I know they play people better than themselves to improve, too, I know already, but whenever it comes time to switch teams and I say I want to play, I just wish people wouldn't act like it's a burden. Maggie and Mandy are a set, and then there's Carlie and Beth, and even if they don't (but I don't know) I feel like they look down upon me with resentement. So they have a year of morre experience than me. They always will no matter what it is I do anyway. But many times when I look for support, none of them are there and I just feel like collapsing in a heap on the floor. I don't want to be an obligation. Friendly tips are nice enough, but playing is more crucial. If you're going to act like you can't spare seven minutes of your day to beat me with a plastic and rubber implement then I really don't need it from you. (Jeez that came out very bitter and sounds not how I meant it but I think I'll leave it anyway. Just know that it's probably not what you are thinking.) Jenny is a cool person; and also a good partner. But as is evident by her lack of practices, she isn't as serious about trying to improve as me. When she attends, i am privileged to have a partner finally, but I can't depend on her all the time. And when she doesn't come I just mill around the gym in search of play time. Today I only played seven minutes out of seventy five. Not very good odds, ya think? And if you want to know the truth about what I think, the more I play and watch other people play, the less talented I think the "experienced" players are. (Here's where they would stick up for themselves and say they haven't played for a long time, and yadda yadda) But honestly they make the same mistakes as a lot of the other players make a lot of the time anyway. They're all still good players and all, I am not denying that, but not as great as I once thought. Overall I become upset becuase smoetimes I think the value system is messed up when I look around. This has nothing to do with me since I don't expect to be a real good player or anything, but sometimes I wonder if there's tainted vision or whatnot. Laura questioned at 10:23 p.m. Remember how in elementary school everyone was eachother's friend and an entire class functioned as one? Each child put at a miniature table with three other kids and immediately become friends, many times based on the ability to simply "play nice". Of course, there were always those few who were ridiculed because of their introvertedness. Called Paste Eaters, Treasure Diggers, Poo Sniffers... Why can't anyone "play nice" anymore? Spanish 3, you would assume would contain some mature people aiming for college; the kind of kids with intellectual views on the environment perhaphs, or kids looking to travel around and better countries with bad irrigation systems. You would think if they actually give effort to take a class that is not mandatory that they would at least try a smigen (sp?) harder to participate. And, as is inevitable with most if not all foreign language classes whose teachers' first language is the one being taught, the instructor gets all the blame. Matt didn't do his homework. Oh but that is Ms. Molina's fault because he couldn't do it because she didn't explain it and when he asked she said he had to come to tutorial but he couldn't because he had badminton and he had to leave right that moment or else he would never find a way home. Yes, I am absolutely sure Ms. Molina would've taken time to wait and drive you home because after all, she would have had to stay there and walk you through self-fucking-explanitory homework. Gee, son, where there is a blank, you probably have to fill it in... So that said, now you understand the antics I deal with, specifically in that class. Juniors and seniors, a couple of my sophomore friends, and yet they still manage to find more than enough humore out of a fart machine. These students, (more or less; considering they go to school although they don't actually study) these of all people you would think would also be stuck in kindergarten where you are best friends with your neighboor. And I wouldn't mind. It's not horrid that the maestra keeps placing me in my same seat in the hell-hole of the universe. The people briefly converse with me, and they are entertaining, yes, but I just know all the dirty little thoughts going through their heads abotu how I hsould trade seats with Jessica. God only knows how many times I have switched my seat yet she insists of having me stay there. The people are not stuck up or anything, but I would rather be with those I can more easily and more comfortably identify with. She assigned our group projects based on where we sit. Although me being the canniving little bastard I am switched groups, but if I had to work with them it woudl be awful. (Yeah, yeah, spare me the "getting along with others" talk) I need an A in that class. Doing a project with people who still can't even use the present tense correctly is not the way to go. It's be bearable if they tried; asked for help maybe, but no, not these guys. They have to do it their own way; the wrong way, just to get the girls in the class to giggle about their video and please their hormones. As a contrast, the video which Carlie, Bryan, and I made was presented today, and our teacher called it "excellent" and gave us each one percent extra-credit. That is the "good stuff" I need right there. So I am pompous. Everyone needs to be when the world gets 'em down. (Not everyone here is that fucked up and cold...) Laura complained about language at 08:43 p.m. Things are better now. I've cooled my temper; cooled my emotions off a bit as well. During my days in front of the couch (presuming I keep missing badminton practice due to various reasons, although I attempted to go, but NO ONE was there!!) I have come to greatly enjoy Timothy Goebel and Apolo Anton Ohno. Geez, I can't get enough of them! Timothy is (obviously) a great skater and smooth like water, plus he has that absolutely overpowering smile, with eye wrinkles and all. And Apollo is just so honest it hurts, plus I like his modesty and how he's overcome obstacles. (yeah, yeah, you know...) Anywho, I've also found more comfort in manga and anime once more, thanks extra-especially to Rumiko Takahashi! Rumic Theater kicks short-tale ass! Just the kinda escape I need. Humor; Romance...and all those great elements. Another attribute has been all these movies. I've seen quite a few films this past week, I suppose in an attempt to slip into another life dramatically different than mine for just a few hours. Of course, the best movies tug on my heart and make me more depressed than before, but it's all good in the end. I think I've lost the talking ability I used to have. Erm, I know I always mutter under my breath and slur, but in all honesty, maybe I don't want people to hear what I have to say sometimes. Not everything is everyone else's business anyway. But despite my failing speech tactics, I have become more inarticulate than ever. Ask me any question (given the answer is "yes") and I will reply, "Yeah, it's great." Well, shit, I need to read a dictionary or something. My grandpa actually did that about ten years ago. Maybe I should take after him? Laura randomized at 10:33 p.m. An overwhelming amount of hectic events have littered my usually bland lifestyle. Where everything is normally beige, I would now consider it off the wall chartreuse. Items that normally wouldn’t be considered problematic have produced results of me feeling more insecure about myself than ever before. A hot tingly feeling sweeps over my face, and, although the wall thermometer reads around 65 degrees, I still manage to turn the fan on high and drink more ice water than an elephant consumes in a week. Friday assured a tough weekend with badminton being overall disappointing because of my lack of great participation and skill. Saturday, then, the Great Movement began. Not as "great" as aforementioned, but quite a spectacle. My room's furniture in the hallway, the office's furniture in the living room; and the cat running about in between the boxes and buckets and various cleaning materials. Two days later, I am in my new cubicle of space (although it is larger than my old room) sitting and thinking of plans to improve myself. The first step, as they all say, is to confront the source. So, here I sit, trying to figure out just why I feel so depressed and perplexed all the time. At any given moment, I glance down to see my hand flinching. Shaking in fear? Anxiety or worry? Some type of more general "shell" shock? Whatever it is, I guess the only way to strike against it is to complete my reasoning with an outage. But now here is the real predicament: I just have no idea how to go about this. I think what is happening is that I am finally realizing i need to make amends with my father. I treat him horribly. I love him, yes I do, and I know he returns the feelings... But I am so hard on him; only in hopes it will anger him enough to fuel his improvement. For all the 15 plus years of my life, I have been trying to help him lose weight. Every day of my life, I think of how he may never live to see me get married; or to see his grandchildren or all those things that would at last prove he had raised me good and well, and that he would have something to be proud of. And now that I am trying my hardest and have come up with what should be the most efficient plan to ensure him both rewards he will enjoy and discipline to learn self-control; well, now he decides to rebel the most. I mean, seriously, rebel in the wrong direction. We make a deal he will have sweets rationed to him around Valentine's Day, and he goes out and buys a bag of chocolate and eats the WHOLE thing in the back on the yard, then opens the glass door smearing chocolate all over the handle. How disgusting is this? It's one thing to do something you back up fully for justifiable reasoning, even if you can't explain it to others, but when you do something just to fuck someone over, what's the point? They're only going to sneak back behind your back and rip your fucking ass off when you least expect it. So now, I'm just pissed. Not at him, but at me for throwing so many years through the disposal to become shredded up like everything else. Usually I am thankful my parents don't read this; but right now I wish my father could read this and understand how I feel. I could never say this to his face. That reaction of his; I have no idea what it would be...he is a very mysterious man... Laura rambled on at 10:36 p.m. Yer all a buncha fekkin' indoostree whores! That doesn't have much to do with my entry but I must say... silly, silly society!! Haven't you learned yet that "alot" is actually TWO WORDS!! A lot! Got it? And it's puke not "peuk." Christ, if you learn two things from school, why can't it be these things? Two of the smallest details ever yet no one can get them right except for those few who now go on my list of elite kids with real minds! By the by, I have archived, folks, to make less scroller for the homeless guy with one finger who visits my site from the library. (His finger was run over by a train one year when he was train-hiking) Yes today has been a crzy day involving a great badminton session and headphones and radio, algebra and tests, color-change markers and play-doh. Laura kicked it at 09:50 p.m. |
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Call me Laura. Occupying San Jose, California. 15 so far. Sophomore at Branham. Born Scorpius. Pieces made in Mexico, Portugal, Czech. Brown hair; blue eyes; freckles. Reach Me... @Sailorjup1 @eatblueicecream HeartofMeltWax Guestbook Archive Jan/Feb- Dec-Nov II-Nov I-Oct II-Oct I-Aug/Sept-Jun/Jul |
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Siblings Maggie Jenny Bonnie Brandon Sam Affiliates & Appreciation Freeloaders, Inc.* Pitas Webspawner |