love you,
pita
melt my heart:
sign me original loves.
old tunes.
· marilyn monroe.
· james dean.
· men's shirt.
· a pair of cords.
· cheesecake.
· the wheel.
· garden state.
· coffee.
· charcoal.
· dance.
· handbags.
· fashion.
winter.
insomniac.
scarlet hearts.
lovesick.
echo.
snapshot.
raunchy.
warm buttons.
autumn.
sizzle.
mediocre: xanga.
took a detour.
anyway, they guilt-tripped me just a bit. that tipped the scale for me. i mean.. what the hell? i think that's why i like to keep to myself. once i dial that number or send a message, i feel obligated, and i'm just reminded that i'm this lousy friend. sometimes, it's just so much easier to not even do anything. if people don't appreciate the little, simple things i do, then... they'll never be satisfied with what i have to offer. plus, why do i have to drive up there? why can't they drive down here? what's the deal with that, man... haa.
it's not that i don't want to see old faces again, it's just... i've always done that at the wrong moments, and it takes this nasty toll on my ass, and i don't feel the need to do that anymore. then again, it's my fault. i make certain promises (which i do try to keep), but shit happens--i can't control that. i'll be guilt-ridden for the rest of the quarter if i put fun before work... especially since i've been buried with so much crap. i should be feeling overwhelmingly stressed out, i'm not. four day weekend = catch up for me. you'll know where to find me.
by the way, everything is cleared up. not just with eric, but with another matter. things are good, but they aren't what people assume/expect it to be.
on a really random note, dhonna and i are semi-catching up. given we went to the same high school, we never crossed paths. the last time i did was in 8th grade math/science class. anyway, that made my day.
saturated in rain.
i'm going to milk this post good.
it fucking bugs me. not a lot. but enough. vy's right. only this sort of crap can happen to me. it's pretty funny if you look at it, and i'm not beating myself up over it, because hell, i shouldn't.
i thought i did what i could do. i made sure to say exactly what i didn't want. then again, i made the wrong move by not saying what i really wanted. taking a few steps back, things were good and maybe could have stayed that way if i said what i really meant and not put up some defensive wall. either way, it wasn't meant to be or who knows. i could live with that.
chris is right. too much thinking gets you into trouble. and i think i've thought enough for tonight. time to hit the books. adios.
ps: so long for milking this post...
the "s" test.
i should be writing my history paper. i'm giving myself three hours to do that so i guess i can spare 20 minutes or so. the next three hours will be dedicated to chemistry.
there's this part of me who wants to scream aloud what's been going on. on the flipside, i've been feeling sorta... inclusive when it comes to this topic. i think i'm waiting for it to be concrete enough for me to let it out. i guess i'm big on jinxes.
i had this refreshing two-hour conversation with lisa tuesday. for some reason, it feels like i talked to her just yesterday. it's soo nice to know that we tell each others things we wouldn't normally talk about to other girlfriends. you know.. those topics where it constantly roams around in your head, and when you get the guts to finally tell a certain close friend, it turns out they just aren't comfortable talking about. yeah, those sort of topics. it's wide-ranged. we have so much history and i love that i can count on her regardless if i haven't seen or talked to her in 7 months.
ok, i feel like sharing about this part of my life. why is it that a guy can't be friends with a girl for the sake of being friends? i guess there's always some form of hidden agenda behind that "hi, i'm ---. what's your name?" that whole "i rather be friends" line might just be full of shit. i hate that this friendship (which i thought could have been a pretty damn good one) had to be shooked up because of some concealed plan. whatever, at this point, it's my friendship or nothing at all...
clandestine.
ps: it's just too much work and i just don't feel like working that hard for something that should be easily obtained. it's dying down, i think.
pps: countdown until i'm back: 142 days. :) i miss the people and campus.
people on the ground.
i feel like writing about him. maybe that's why i look forward to writing about saturday. then again, a big part of me wants to keep it closed in the set of books i have stored in my mind. i can feel myself changing when i talk about it... makes me such a girl. haa.
van: you're such a guy.
· wednesday, february 16, 2005 8:31 am.
my original plan was to head up to sac to see the girls this weekend. i realize.. i just have too much to do. i don't know if it's worth the drive. yeah, so what. i said it. in all seriousness, i am feeling the wrath of six classes (well, five because art doesn't feel like a real class to me).
· tuesday, february 15, 2005 2:58 am.
the rain makes me lazy. it makes me pee, too. that's pretty upsetting considering my bladder is excruciatingly tiny as it is.
· thursday, february 10, 2005 12:21 pm.
and no, the "s" doesn't stand for what you may think it is. it actually stands for just "s." haa. i would loovve to explain it to anyone who asks. ;)
· sunday, february 5, 2005 12:13 am.
it's weird (in a good way weird) how things can change so quickly.
· sunday, january 30, 2005 8:04 am.
i feel like writing a post every saturday is becoming an habitual thing. there's always something to write about that day, i guess. in contrast to last week's art session, this week's was great... even with the charcoal stained knee patches on my jeans. :) for most people, a six hour art class seems like a long time--especially on a saturday. i think... if you get dead on absorb in the art mess you've made, time passes by a whole lot faster.
van: but in a girly way.
personality deficit.
now i'll go study.
choosing to stay.
ps: although, i complain how lab is a drag.. i really do love the hands-on hours.
full grown guinea pig.
i get that the week's events has gotten people in this house having their own thoughts about things. "i'm sick of this shit." i'm going to be brutally blunt. it's not even your shit to be talking about, thinking about, or bitching about. i hate that my situation was the topic of your post. what the hell? get your own fucking situations to talk about on a public site. don't drag my crap into it. "why can't you ever freaking listen to what people have to say to you?!" i do not need some fucking life advice from some teen. i've been through more ruts in the last year than your fifteen year old ass has been in your entire life.
every ly kid in this house can have their own thoughts on this issue. they don't have to like what i chose to do. they probably would have picked a different road. a big part of me feels they won't have to pick any sort of road. i don't think they will ever be going through what i just did. for me, it was one of those i-had-enough situations. i'm not one of those types who wallows in the bedroom (i used to be). i get upset, and i need my space. that space entails getting away from the house and family. i'll be damned if i was going to sit there and wait to see what other crock was going to be fished out.
they might call me irrational, stubborn or melodramatic. the thing is... i was as rational as i could be in a situation like that, i had to be hard-headed and strong, and a dramatic event like that caused me to take a dramatic approach. i hate that people in this house only go by what (little) they hear and not what they know. simply put: don't say out of boundary bullshit things you have no idea about. stay behind your fucking line.
i don't regret what i did. i like myself a little more for having the courage to walk out when i should have. i don't think anyone else in this house can relate to that feeling because no one's been able to walk out when they wanted/needed to. so it makes sense that they don't completely understand it from my frame of mind. whatever, just stick to your own life and leave mine out of it.
i said what i needed to say. time to sleep or study. whichever one i feel like doing.
art morphosis
for some reason, i was not feeling the whole art scene today. zoned out, man. i even had to start a new clean sheet. ok, that may not seem like a huge deal, but in most cases, i salvage up whatever crap i have on the page and attempt to dazzle it out. today was a trip. who the hell gets battle cuts (haa, not really..) in art class???? unfortunately, i do. the numerous paper cuts all over my fingers did not help my mood either. i got one huge paper cut from just that huge sketchbook alone. don't get me wrong. art is something i am very passionate about. i just hate the learning stage with all its basics. it bores me sometimes.
ps: i like how you stare at me when you think i'm not looking. i think girls are just way more subtle than guys. it's still very sweet... in a non-stalkerish sort of way.
dumbass.
brian's on point. our chem class is a freaking joke. before we met, i noticed he had a yellow friendship bracelet type thing wrapped around his left wrist. as do i. i just thought that was kind of a trippy and funny coincidence. anyway, we're the ones who sit in the back of the room and make sarcastic/smartass comments about what this chemistry class offers us. he makes lectures worth going to. sort of...
ps: hello, old friend. whoever you are. :)
an ultimatum. 1. threats are bitches. if there's one thing i hate, it's a threat (and/or an ultimatum).
bystander.
saturday, i took a break from the art mess i made and just watched people in the studio, and it was very... soothing? soothing probably isn't the word i'm looking for. anyway, i take comfort and joy in watching random scenes.
ps: why do i always feel like the colors of my pita control the way i write?...
dirty hands.
i have a fucking crush. damn, i do. it feels weird to admit that, but really good. when i dated guys last year, i skipped out on the crush phase altogether. i think a big part has to do with them not being crush-worthy. it's not sad, just honest on my part. maybe that stage is just totally discarded in the whole dating deal. i love all things related to having a crush. i guess i'm a sucker for those giddy, sappy feelings. i miss those moments, haa. cheesy as it all may sound, you have to admit it feels pretty damn good when you do get a crush.
i don't care all that much if anything were to happen. i just don't expect things to. i think it would create complications in my life. i like what it is now. i like that we can share these blatant stares with each other, and how others are oblivious to it. it's simple and sweet that way. i smile more in that class than in any other class. what can i say? it's damn fun going with this flow.
ps: because i have a 6 hour art class on saturday, sunday never feels like sunday to me. i should feel like i've wasted half my weekend, but it's art! i never do.
· thursday, january 27, 2005 11:14 pm.
for some reason, i just felt the urge to give a post tonight. since i have a history midterm tomorrow morning, i should be studying, but i'm not. anyway, to sum up what i've learned this week: trust your gut. it's usually on the money.
· tuesday, january 25, 2005 10:37 am.
reminder to self:
biology midterm: tomorrow.
chemistry midterm: thursday.
history midterm: friday.
art history midterm: next thursday.
· sunday, january 23, 2005 5:18 am.
i just got back from breakfast with van aka giraffe. great late-night chats (like the one we had) keep me awake and the mediocre thing to do would be channel/web surfing. this morning, i found myself reading my sister's xanga. i normally don't write anything involving my siblings' xangas, but since i'm included in her post, well, i feel like giving my two cents on it.
· saturday, january 22, 2005 4:16 pm.
my last couple of updates have been pre-typed on my laptop. things were just a bit crazy so i didn't get a chance to do it online. same diff.
· friday, january 21, 2005 6:23 am.
who wears a damn mini-skirt during a freezing winter night??? i'm tempted to call her a slut. hell, too late. seriously, your legwarmers don't mean shit if the wind is blowing cold breeze up your ass. i hate girls like that. ha, sorry, i'm still very bitter from the events of this week.
· thursday, january 20, 2005 5:44 am.
i feel a list would make things easier (for me) to explain about what's been happening this week. i just don't feel like giving this long explanation. a list allows me to skip things. the rest is up to you to tie in.
2. people say wild things in a heated situation. honestly, i think there's always a bit of the truth behind those things. shrug, maybe that's a bit too analytical of me.
3. shit happens all the time, so what's the point in crying?
4. i didn't think i could sleep comfortably in the backseat of a car for six hours straight, but damn, i can. desperate times call for desperate measures.
5. i don't think i'm stubborn. i'm just a bit more determined than you expected me to be. ok, and maybe i am a little hard-headed.. (this ties back to number 1. i just don't respond well to threats.)
6. there's always that one person who cares. :) make that two. thanks for everything. i won't wait another 7 months.
7. space and time.
8. roll with the punches. it's probably the only thing you can do. shrug, i just believe everything is worth something in the end.
9. it still hurts, and i think i've changed. to say for the better would be a lie.
· monday, january 17, 2005 12:04 am.
people are so damn interesting. i'm not saying this because i had some sort of special encounter with a stranger or anything. i just really think people are very interesting. it's the sole reason for why i love people-watching so much. people do cute, weird, and gross things, man.
· sunday, january 16, 2005 6:19 am.
call it a lack of originality, or maybe even pure laziness, but it won't destroy the fact that i like this old layout. i feel cheap for reusing it, haha. meh.