x's.

"i'm sorry."
"hehe.. you're sorry?"
"for this, and for everything"

ps: vy, you're wrong. hehe... ex's can be friends.
or at least, we were both gamed for it, but current
jealous girlfriends tend to get in the way.

______________________· 05.08.2005; 8:56 pm.

lame and stupid.

i thought i had a crapload to write, but i don't. so
let's keep this short... you're fucking stupid.
the end.

good night.

______________________· 05.02.2005; 2:47 am.

hell yeah.

sorry, title is courtesy of his work, hehe..
i can't really explain it.
he inspires me. in many ways, he shouldn't. or it's
sort of hard to see how the hell he does, but he does.
i hate to admit it, but ever so often,
i give into this smile.
because hell, it's just so damn great...

no one's really inspired me this much, and
if there's one way to inspire me, it's what he's
doing.

______________________· 04.30.2005; 7:49 pm.

lazy and proud.

i'm being absolutely lazy today. actually, i've been
lazy this whole week. if by lazy, you mean not going to
any of my classes, then yes, i am guilty as charged.
this isn't to say i don't study and do well. i do. i just do
it without having been to class in the last er... occasion.
shit, that's all that matters to me.

as tien best puts it "damn, you're hardcore. i really
think you should start going to school" hehehe..
word, man.

my brain works a little more differently than most
people. wait, let's re-phrase that. my brain
works a little more differently than most pre-meds.
i don't go by the rules, but i'm fine with that.
if anything, i'm proud that i'm not on this strict fixation
with med school. i have plenty of time for that.

i don't like to see this as setting myself up for failure.
i just pick my battles. some battles just arent
energy-worthy. that's all.

ok, time to take care of some biz.

______________________· 04.29.2005; 12:01 pm.

insomniac libra.

tonight, mags and i went to visit tony at the hospital.
let me tell you... despite having cancer and being
in the financial peril he's in, this guy has
such a great aura.
the whole situation makes you realize the crap
you go through is shit compared to the tooons of
crap he's going through.

hospitals are scary at 9pm. deserted and dimmed.
empty corridors remind me of those horror flicks
with those impromptu, yet predictable lurk-ish events.

it was a good visit. after two hours of hospital lounging,
i felt... inspired.

time to study, but what else is new about that?

______________________· 04.22.2005; 1:07 am.

jars and tees.

the easiest part is saying "i'm ok."
the hardest part is feeling it.

and i lied. i think most days, i'm very ok.
and other days, it hits harder than it should have to.

on occasion, i feel it.
an assortment of emotions crammed inside me.
so imagine this tiny jar jam-packed with
frustration, anger, disappointment, bitterness,
sadness, and.. other crap. this jar is so
jam-packed, the lid's about to burst.
looking from the outside, the jar is
just some ugly, muddy color.
a lot like shit.
if i could tell you the color i feel, it would
be exactly that: a muddy piece of shit color.

and in some sense, i am ok. i just have this ball of
bitterness and anger that i can't seem to get rid
of. like... an unwanted eternal stain on a
favorite tee.

so two options to go about this biz:

a.) toss it into the trash or
b.) keep it, because hell, it is your favorite tee.

my bitterness has always been there.
i think i've always been an angry person.
i've just become a pro at not recognizing it anymore.
and on days that i am ok, i choose to not admit it.
feeling it and admitting it will put me into a jinx.
this isn't crazy talk (to me). hehe.

so here's the end result:
i'm keeping the tee--stained and all.

______________________· 04.20.2005; 2:46 am.

driving w/ or w/o you.

it's past midnight and my attempt to do next
week's econ problem set has failed. that's ok.
extra credit isn't everything.

i want to drive. with a cup of peet's white mocha
in one hand, and the steering wheel in another.
damn, that would be one awesome night for me.
no company needed.

5 basic ingredients: me, the road,
the wheel, my sidekick coffee and some goodass
music.

with a tank full of minus gas, that's a seemingly
unreachable dream right now.
i can choose to still drive. just until that
nuisance of a red light resonates.
i hate when that happens. it deflates my
happy place. you know how tires can get slashed
up if a guy's been an asshole to an emotionally
unstable girl?
yeah, my deflated happiness would look a lot
like slashed up tires.
letting that red light blink
uncontrollably would be pretty risque of me.
it would get this satisfaction, knowing that it won.
and i sure as hell do not need some mockery
from a machine.
so i'll pass.

i like people with good auras. they inspire me.
great auras belonging to strangers make my
aura want to be just as great.

one of the many feelings i have while i
i people-watch. i love how real people can be
when they think you're not looking.
it's all a hobby, i suppose.
sort of this nice break from life.

alrighty, i either need to powernap, wake up
and be productive as hell, or sleep.
take it easy, homies.

______________________· 04.16.2005; 12:38 am.

photography filtering.

it is thursday.
thursday is my kickass day because it:

1.) is the last day of lab for the week.
2.) brings me one day closer to dance class.
3.) brings me two days closer to art class.
4.) permits me to play catch up with sleep.
5.) and if in the mood, lets me see certain faces.

ps.

"if you are not living, you are dying."

i love this quote. it pumps ambitious blood into
my veins.

______________________· 04.14.2005; 7:41 am.

inner girl.

so before i go on this study frenzy with
this matter called biology, i just felt like giving
a good posting, or milking, as i'd like to call it.

disclaimer: this first part of the post will be full
of cheese. if you're into all that stuff, you're in luck.
if not? well, homie... live with it.

i've grown a great appreciation for my friends.
with the crazy and weird things happening
in my life in just these last few months, i'm
thankful that those people who sat on their asses
and listened to my perpetual bitching about the
same thing (and/or person) are still here.
thank god it is over.
... excuse the explosion of the inner girl.

my family will always have a piece of my heart
and i think that's why it hurts so much when
crock of shit goes down. regardless of how much
i deny it (or how little i show it), i do love them.

so get ready.

for those who have heard about this,
i advise skipping this part. it'll be brief because
i am really all talked about this one:

since february, i've taken over both roles
involved in a relationship. or so, i feel like i have.
this relationship, or whatever the hell it
was we had, was just too dysfunctional for my
taste.

aside from the connection chris and i had, he
wasn't any different from the others. i know it's
wrong of me to push him into a slot.
it's done; i've become one of those girls who's
come into and gone out of his life,
and he's become one of my stories.

______________________· 04.13.2005; 2:53 am.

living.

i fail to update because:

a.) i have a life.
b.) i just don't have the time to.
c.) all of the above.

time to study for biology. you'll find me at the library.
it's ok, i had a good run of social-living.

______________________· 04.12.2005; 9:37 am.