love you, pita

melt my heart: sign me

original loves.
· the fifties.
· people-watching.
· peet's white mocha cafe.
· spontaneous outbursts.
· talks.
· drives.
· thinking.
· inspired runs.

old tunes.
unexpected.
winter.
insomniac.
scarlet hearts.
lovesick.
echo.
snapshot.
raunchy.
warm buttons.
autumn.
sizzle.
mediocre: xanga.

absorbed.
amy.
angela.
ngan.
vy.

three more months.
· sunday, march 27, 2005 12:20 pm.
start time: 12:30am.

it wasn't because it was late that ticked him. it was the fact it was me who was up that late--it gave him a reason to showcase his superiority (because i don't care much for it, and he knows that). if it were anyone else, it wouldn't have been this dramatic. my dad's just like an other man. he needs to resonate his power because... hell, in his eyes.. he's the king of the jungle. for me, i overlook it. his higher ranking doesn't stop me from saying what i want to say or doing what i want to do. don't mistaken this for rebellious acts, because they're not. i'm actually a very tame lion (when i want to be, that is).

a blow. a fucking goddamn blow. i tolerate this sort of shit from NO ONE. no one lays a goddamn motherfucking hand on me and gets satisfaction from it. when it comes to my dad, i know when to shut up, and when not to. but when shit like this erupts, you better believe those rules fly out the window.

the woman whom i love with my entire heart, i lost respect for her last night. things will never be the same between us again. or at least, not for a long time. i can't look her in the eyes, knowing that it was all acceptable to her. you know what's going to happen from here? i'll tell you.

it's going to be like this,

in a few years, maybe even sooner, she'll be gossiping about it one afternoon to a girlfriend on the phone. one of the many topics might be the kind of crap i had to go thru with my dad. of course, this will be during one of her anti-husband phases. thus, it'll be her obligation to let out all the nasty details of my dad's character. she'll make a big deal out of it, telling the story like she was apalled it all happened (and yet, she didn't do anything). i'll be reminded that my mom was the stand-on-the-sideline-cheering-his-ass-on-wiping-his-sweat kind of person.

yeah, exactly.

i still love my mom. i will always love and protect her. i just... don't see her in that same light anymore. i guess you can say.. my trust has been a little shattered.

ok, next up. this goes out to a certain sibling. now, even if you're not part of that "i know jackshit, but i'm going to say random shit anyway" category, you're welcome to read it: how can you sit there, saying what you say and not knowing what you don't know? "i got over it." it's not that i couldn't handle the blow. it was the fact it even happened to begin with. and please, you got over it because you've only been thru it twice your entire life. multiple what you've been thru by twenty-five and add three. that's how much i've been thru it thus far. this might be an exaggeration, but trust me, whatever the actual number is, it's a hell of a lot higher than yours. the weird thing is... every other sibling seems to understand why i do what i do. they have some sort of empathy. you don't. what gives? last i check, i was the older sister, so quit acting like an almighty priss, bitch (sorry, i didn't mean the bitch part. when i see "priss", i have to add "bitch" or maybe that's just a cover up. actually, wait. i did mean the bitch part. you are a total bitch. i think everyone in the house can concur, too. but that's a whole other story in itself).

he's scared of me. he's said so many times. last night, he said this after he did what he did. that makes complete sense. (insert sarcasm). however, whenever he says that line, behind all that rage, my ego is ready to boost itself up.

there were only two things i remembered grabbing for last night: my keys and the housephone. not simulataneously, but respectively.

i grabbed my keys. for most people, driving while being emotionally unstable is asking for an accident, a suicide even. for me, it's soothing. driving is therapeutic. then.... came the threat. for some reason, i backed away from the door. i knew it was a bluff. it's always a bluff. i can't figure out why i didn't go out that door this night. i think i was tired of this usual predicament and all it's preditability.

i grabbed for the housephone. only two people did i have in mind to call. dialed the numbers. left a voicemail for one person and talked to other person (which really didn't do any good considering i never elaborated on the whats, whos, and whens. it was nice to hear his voice anyway).

three months, i keep telling myself. THREE MONTHS. i hate when people say to me, "it's ONLY three months." funny thing is.. three months ago people said to me "it's ONLY six months." do they don't know what could happen in those six months? no, but i'll tell you. something along the lines of last night's event, man. so you know what? don't give me that "it's only three months" bullshit. it doesn't help me because i say it to myself repeatedly, countless times. it doesn't do any good when people just reinstate it, you know? if anything, it makes me hate them for saying those words to my face.. as if, this whole situation isn't even a huge deal.

he went to bed a quarter after two am. i wasn't far behind. plus, after the breaking down, going to sleep was easy. i knocked out.

end time: 2:35 am.

an exception to the rule.
· wednesday, march 23, 2005 1:23 am.
he said he was nervous. i thought that was cute. he told me he likes me. and i hate to admit this, but ok, i melted (after a split second of shock). it was worth it. four straight days of insanity, frustration and (his) flakiness was well worth it. i'm a happy camper.

i'm not trying to toot my horn or anything. i just think this is hilarious:

"i've seen you over here like ten times, i never know what your name is. i just call you that 'hot tall asian chick.' i'm not hitting on you. i just think you're gorgeous. i'm gay, though. so i don't know what that comment can mean" - ryan, chris' gay cute guyfriend

rest assure, it is never a dull moment in a house full of guys.

hell no. patience is a not a virtue.
· monday, march 21, 2005 11:16 pm.
i can be patient for a lot of things. but for this, no way--especially since i'm annoyed as it is. damn, why are you such a flake?? at this rate...

enough complaining, time to go read.

expecting nothing new.
· monday, march 21, 2005 6:23 pm.
so it's been about an hour since his last call. was i surprised that this important "we need to talk" deal didn't happen on the day it was supposed to happen? not really, it sort of benefitted me. therefore, i'm not completely pissed off at his typical flakiness.

i'm not nervous. i'm well over that phase. i'm more interested in what he has to say (i wasn't before, trust me). i think i know what this is about. i don't know why it is about what it's about, but whatever. if it's about what i think it's about, or well, the reason for what it could be about... i'm going to be heated. for reals. it would be a bullshit reason.

so i'm here. why? to waste time, i guess. god knows i should be doing something more productive right now...

it's frustrating. it's all pretty frustrating. it's frustrating talking about it, thinking about it, and obsessing about it. fuck, it's damn frustrating. i would scream if i could.

i half-expected this.

aside from all the above crap i'm dealing with, i do have some good news around me: i had a great interview with tabatha at peet's coffee sunday. (i think it's funny that when i call, i don't have to give my last name. they just know i'm linda. how nice is that?) and, i'm all ready for the coldstone's interview this thursday.

ps: ann, i could use some clam chowder asap. april 4th, baby! oh, but preferably before then, babe ;)

smorgasboard.
· saturday, march 19, 2005 6:41 pm.
"we need to talk."

in my experiences (and the experiences of others), "we need to talk" is never a good sign. i've only said that maybe about once or twice my entire life. shit, man.

thoughts from my twin.
· monday, march 14, 2005 7:57 pm.
quote of the night:
"you're pre-med and he's pre emergency room OD" - mags

...and this is why she's one of my favorite gals in the world to talk to. ;)

ps: after what happened last night, i have a different outlook on certain things, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

spectators.
· monday, march 14, 2005 2:53 pm.
believe it or not, i just woke up. i almost never sleep in this late unless... let's just say, that was one interesting night or er, morning.

scene: it's 7am and we're all on the couch
ryan (to me): you're not sleepy?
chris (answers for me): linda has insomnia.

now.. i must go study my ass off.

throwing the towel in, homeboy.
· sunday, march 13, 2005 10:06 am.
here's what i learned while having lunch with eric yesterday: so much complications could be avoided if people actually say what they mean and mean what they say.

..and just when i thought things were really ok. i don't have anything else to say but.. what the hell???

satisfied.
· friday, march 11, 2005 8:51 am.
two all-nighters in a row. two papers. done and over with.

had a short phone conversation with a sleepy and at the time, recovered drunk c to end my night. two exhausted people isn't exactly the ingredients for a great conversation. given it was a quarter til 3am, it was a good conversation nonetheless. maybe it was just nice hearing his voice.

all in the biz.
· wednesday, march 9, 2005 7:37 pm.
i think i've accomplished more in the last two days than i have in months when it comes to this job hunting biz. i just have to want it bad enough. plus, my schedule was just not on my side months ago. anyway, i've made good headway. that's the update in that department.

thanks to those who sat thru my bitching and complaining about it--whether it was for twenty minutes, hours, or days. i appreciate it. i'm sorry you had to see the girl in my explode.

not needed, thank you.
· monday, march 7, 2005 12:13 pm.
i do not need you to validate me. what the hell?

tired of this shit. people in this house only go by their own assumptions. when you don't have all your facts, assumptions are your only grasp at the truth. I GUESS. people are obviously going to talk shit and think shit. whatever, i'm over it. i should be bitter and vengeful, but i'm not. there isn't a shred of truth to it all. with that being known, i'm ok with that. i'm counting down the days.

moving on...

i get into these semi-promiscuous (semi, because if you know me, you know exactly why) relationships with guys. with this one, i'm putting a premature halt to it. it's never been done before, i have to say. i want it all to stop. the potential drama and complications. in a regular case, i continue it until i have no choice but to end it. i'm not oblivious to it all, i know it's wrong. it's different with this situation because i know more than ever, it's wrong. plus, i'd like to have a good, solid friendship come out of this. for once. i'm probably jinxing myself, but who cares.

mags thinks i've been traumatized. she says my fear has something to do with why i always go for the wrong guys. thinking back on it,
it isn't a completely falsified (or far-fetched) statement. it still doesn't stop me from diving into the shallow end of the water.

losing hair over that.
· saturday, march 5, 2005 12:27 am.
i can't ever alleviate it. it's just this temporary delay. i fucking get that now. i come to realize more than ever now.. that i'm just doomed for being the disappointer.

...and maybe because i'm pulling at hair follicles right now, i'm not in the right state to conclude that. everything is blurry and i just need a good night's sleep.

on the bright side, my tooth got fixed this afternoon so that's one less thing for me to worry about. thank god.

losing sleep over this.
· friday, march 4, 2005 12:04 pm.

to the one who brought up the talk wednesday night:

i hate the fact you have issues, and it's holding you back from what we might be able to have--not that i want anything, but if i did in the long run... you're not the first damaged good i've been involved with so in that case, i should be a pro at this sort of thing. i'm not, though. i can't read you. you never say what you really mean.

thanks for almost kicking me out of your house at 4 in the morning. shit, i was this close to leaving your house at 4 in the frickin morning. i understand why you said what you said, and i take full responsibility for purposely pushing your buttons.

thanks for letting me sleep in your bed. thanks for putting your arm around me after the heated debate. thanks for the post-debate talk.

... you get no thanks for confusing me with everything you said and did that night. i don't know if i'm willing to hang.

tipped over.
· thursday, march 3, 2005 11:47 pm.
i hate dealing with something like this. catching me off guard makes me do stupid things. or well, say stupid things.

things are ok, don't get me wrong. they're just different ok, and i'm not sure how to make it the ok it's supposed to be. shrugs, it'll happen.

what i hate more than being disappointed is disappointing someone else. shit would be the word i would use to describe how i'm feeling.

ps: i stole his pen. that made me feel a litte better.

come what may.
· monday, february 28, 2005 1:51 am.
things with me and c are good. it is what is it and i like what it is: we hang out. we watch movies. i study. he plays video games. we watch tv. we have good conversations. we eat together. we sleep together. we hold hands. we peck. that's pretty much the jist of it. and you can think whatever it is you want about this. i won't, though.

i don't feel like overanalyzing the situation. i don't feel like reading into the things he's said or done. trust me, there were a lot of crap i could have anaylzed to death in just the last two days i've been around him.

my life is complicated enough, and i just don't need additional perils. for the moment, he makes me happy. i admit that... the little things do make me melt. it's not something that's emotional for me, though. it's something i love and savor. and for once, i know the feeling of having no drama in a boy-girl relationship or whatever this is. (there's goes that theory out the window, man. praise the lord)

i expect this to be over in 4 months--maybe even sooner. i'm fully aware that i will be going back to davis leaving this behind. and you know what? i'm really ok with that. will i be ok when those 4 months are up? shit, i don't know.

relationships are complicated. i think that's the beauty of it. beauty or not, a relationship isn't something i'm ready for or is something i want. hell, i don't know what i want. at this point, i just don't feel the need to stress over this.