wicked gothyz place

Your Sex Position is Upside Down 69

Daring. Dangerous. And oh so tasty.
You go crazy when you go south -
And you love getting it in the mouth.

What's Your Sex Position?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

myss romantic

What's your brand of sexy?
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band stuff

I am the epitome of unrequited love but at least I do something constructive with it.. sing beautiful songs, which will continue to win audiences over years after we have split up. I can be wistful, cathartic and depressive but at the same time I am a very deep, thoughtful person. More than likely I am contemplating something very important even if I don't look like the sort! I think before I speak and so what I say somehow has more meaning. Basically, I'm a well rounded person so nyah :p
Which 80s band are you?
Test created by Sambam of blackeyed.net/tristessa

Trashy lol

Why Will You Go To Hell?
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wanna-b LOL

What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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awwwness

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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mmm tasty

You Have a Tasty Nipple!

Your nipple tastes... great!
(Just like CHICKEN)

What Nipple Do You Have?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Misconception
Eih sorry to say I honestly haven't felt like writing that much the last couple of dayz I've been too out of it and not feeling the grrreatest I have the feeling I seriously still am sick with all the aching and nose running shrugZ my life sux. mmm I have the feeling I've been feeling so mega out of it and depressed from the bc patchez I'm going bak to taking the pillz and being mega sick on Wednesday I'd rather b sick than emotionally fawked. hmmm talking to Deen right now. . . .talking about animez hez watching Noir. . . .wonder what itz about .. .. I watched like all but the last twenty five minutez of Vampire Hunter D when the dvd thing on the compuker fawked up. It wouldn't show ANY of Armitage pissed me off so much. What I got to watch of Vampire Hunter D Blood Lust waz fawking awesome! it haz such beautiful animation and the story plotz grrreat. hmmm Noir iz about two women assassinz soundz pretty damned kick ass. Eih I now know NOT to try and eat anything again tonight eih probably having sick people around us again. mrow but shyeah I feel like I have that virus again. . . . .threw up again. . . ..bleh stomach DIE! hmmm haz had a weird couple of last dayz had thiz weird vibe the other night that Josh thought I only wanted him for sex. . . .which iz so totally unbelievable. . .. for one thing when I waz with him it never felt like just sex because if you know me one bit at all you'd know that I honestly usually HATE sex with guyz. . .. he'z the only person I've ever felt anything with when making love az a guy and like uhm shyeah everyone else I've felt demanded to do any of the oral experimentation I've done with lol but uhm for him I wanted to do it not because of just wanting it or because of wanting to taste it because I wanted to do it to make him have pleasure and happy ya know? lol yesh I'm a freek! mrow but uhm yeah the first night I met him even tho I had that with him it wazn't that that I enjoyed the most at all. Even tho the reason I liked it with him az much az I did waz it felt different and I felt like I actually connected with him. Then again honestly just liked having him hold me and like laying on hiz chest mrow and just talking to him and spending time with him. I mean I could live with never having anything that physical with him again just honestly likez kissing and holding him more than anything mrow kind of just forgetz everything when I'm doing that guess that'z why I like it so much. mrow shyeah doezn't usually have eyez just go all the way closed and totally forget everything else for other people and any of those thingz. . .. .mrow shyeah lol im crazy but heiy thatz me! mm liked sleeping with him too cause uhm he keepz me warm for one thing mega cold natured person yesh I suck that and eih thinkz he'z mega cute sleeping and uhm likez laying there listening to hiz heartbeat and eih hez mega peaceful makez me wonder and kinda hope that I give that element even tho I doubt it'z from me but eih thatz okay. mrow let'z see if I get to frighten people today ahhh damnit don't think Steve'z heard from Julez either frightening. I miss Julez I haven't talked to her since Tuesday evening I've been looking for her even going bak on to bolt. mrow hatez going there to b quite honest too much of my past. mrow oooh steve doez know where she iz JULIE GET YOUR ASS ON AIM lmfao. mrow I'm starting to feel tired I about fell asleep a little earlier and if stuff hadn't come bothering me I would have. . .. ah wellz. I'll go there later I suppose. mmm I've been sleeping downstairz on the futon that Brandon and Jamie used to use since she'z now not wanting to stay here cause she blamez the cause of the baby'z ring worm on the dogz. ha ha ha riiiiiiight. if it were the dogz why don't we have it? I sleep with Cinnamon. I've never seen anything like that on him and I'd so definitely see it right now he'z all the way shaved. waiting. . . .waiting. . ..waiting. damn waithing. lol. hmm haz been watching wayyyy too many moviez lately actually figured how to put the cable bak on to the satelite go me!!! lol I suck. oooh yay julie time ;p mrow izh in Scarling lol woah that feelz weird making my own roomz haven't done thiz in agez. aha she'z coming on AiM. mrow gawd I feel tired az hell. hmmm what else did I want to type about on thiz? mrow haz had like Cyndi Lauper stuck in her head like all day. hmmm izh allowed to call Mel on momz cellphone some nite should have done it tonite but eih too tired to really get into talking right now. I get cranky when I talk to anyone with a splitting headache which I have again ugh. I hate illnessez. hmmm shyeah I dunno im too tired to think. ohhh yeah now I remember after asking what waz wanted out of her last night discovered that Josh wantz to have a relationship with me like I've had with Will. . . .mrow we went out for letz see June to April ten monthz. . . .and then eih I still loved him til I'd have to say September so add another five monthz? lol so honestly I loved him for around a year and a half az he putz it. and eih after that he wanted to make it up to me for making me feel so bad at the way he'd treated me and we became mega grrreat friendz. even tho after being with him I never really tried to love anyone again I thought I loved Tim but nah that waz all lust and love for the idea of being in love. shyeah he waz never my slave and I waz honestly never hiz slave the only thing I ever wanted from him waz honesty and faithfulness two thingz I never got and that and the lack of communication are what killed us when we were going out. We're grrreat az just being freindz but going out iz a hell nao. And I won't lie or deny it I'd say a tiny, teeny, teeny little part of me will alwayz love him. shyeah I guess thatz why I think of us having the most normal of relationshipz ive had with anyone I didn't remain friendz with any of my other exez I guess unless you really count Melissa since I can tell she really nao longer wantz me in a sexual way shrugZ thatz okay. Can honestly say we're better off being just friendz too. I mean cause I think she honestly just wanted me physically cause she felt nao one else did and uhm cause I'm a great loyal person who will stay by her forever shrugZ.sighZ everything just feelz weird lately. Izh talking to Brian right now we're talking about compukerz and the evil people we know who fawk ourz up lol and eih talked to Matt for a while too told him about some situationz of myne and talking to Deen we're on the subject of thingz we can do I waz saying how I can crochet but can't sew lol he likez sewing kinda weird for a guy but itz all good. mrow Brianz being evil saying me dying where I feel so awful iz like unacceptable. eih I doubt I'm dying just really doezn't feel good. sighZ wish thingz were less confusing in my head mmm now thinking of Transister lol. mmm watching Romy and Michelle'z High Skewl Reunion lovez Mira Sorvino. sighZ guess I'll go since I really don't feel like writing any more. . ..

laterZ

Unexpected
Eih unexpected but woah Justin actually talked to me tonite he hazn't talked to me in gawd knowz how fawking long he waz like so mega pissed the last time I knew anything about him. ohhh mahn we had our little endearment of the sexy sexy Heather thing going on. me sexy?? ha ha ha nahhh. lol. mrow shyeah he waz like where the hell have you been?? I waz like oh here, there, and everywhere. LoL he laughed at me Justinz a mega sweety. mrow dunno about him sometimez tho. lol ohhh mahn that makez me wonder if Stephen showed him those crazy pix of me probably did since he told him about getting to hear that recording thing of me moaning that i made eih i deleted that thank gawd! mrow I felt like mega retarded for having done that for some guy even tho he won't get rid of it cause of him thinking it'z all sexy can we say dong? yesh we can! mrow izh listening to Courtney Love oooh JENNIFERZ BODY! mrow freeky little me ;p hmmmm time to go check out bolt let'z see if Juliez on ohhhh yesh had a mega nasty ass conversation with the dong Jeff I know. He wouldn't leave me alone so I started telling him about Josh and how grrreat I think he izh and he'z like ohhh yeah he needz to spank you he haz thiz weird ass alternative shit going on of you have to spank the womahn and Melissa used to do it to me when I'd do something she found to b not behaving or bad course I'd do it bak cause I'm one who will retaliate and eih will do thingz all on her own when crazy nuff to cross over and do them. anyayz I'm like uhm our relationship iznt just about sex? I love him for more than just hiz body? lol mrow guyz can b such dongz sighz. lol Chris izh bak I showed him one of the pix Josh took of me he'z like interesting picture cause of me being on the bed I'm like uhm not my bed lmfao. mrow izh frighteningly hyper tonite sighZ eih going to bolt to look for all escapading Juliez ;p heh

If I die before I wake at least in heaven I can skate cause right now on earth I can't do jack without the mahn up on my bak!

again laterZ

Piscean Moon

mmm kk explanation of thiz crazy piece I started writing it bak in June like nearly July like June the twenty ninth. It waz like the day that Tascha told me tat the Piscean moon would come into full effect for the whole day because I'd been feeling mega weird the whole enite day when I waz hanging out with Christina and Crystal and we'd gone and saw mr. Deedz in Richmond bleh and like then uhm shyeah went to Walmart and got to talking and Crystal really started to fawking piss me off because of the way she waz talking that any person could get out of rape or something they didn't want which iz not one bit fawking true at all costz. I had just had an extrememly bad experience a couple dayz before meeting thiz guy who waz like twenty five off of aohell who lived here in Richmond, who came and got me and took me to hiz apartment failing to tell me the whole way over there that he haz a girlfriend get there and he tellz me and yet i'd told him I waz a lesbian which uhm we know I'm not but I didn't want anything with him yet he still tried to take advantage of me with my pantz on sick bastard, mrow anyayz here it iz

Victim of the effect of the Piscean moon Drowning myself into a monsoon A drought of passion Fatal mahn attraction Throwing that in the trash Don't talk to me about your past You haven't felt anything You haven't been through nothing Not like me Not like him Gave him some To shut him up Won't give you one Red hair on my scalp I've grown some wisdom A worshiper of a tragic male kingdom Obey me came unsubmitted Threw the commanding narcissistic officerz liez out of my head

I'd kiss you Ten timez a day Just you You don't need it that way To me it'd feel good To you it'd only b making your perfect mouth bruised I'm tired of being used And I need more than thiz Yes I really do And you don't want to hear it But you know what? You're going to fawking listen to it I don't care No not any more I'm tired of being the one with the heart coming out so fawking sore I tempted you With every fawking vice And all I got with you Waz an okay that'z somewhat nice You tell me I gave it to you Sorry not thiz time

Gave in From one to eleven Came in Wearing absolutely nothing But a garter belt and tightz Hoping I waz the one you were desiring Never waz me now waz it sire Don't you lie to me Monkey you must be tripping I've exceeded the limit for giving And now I'm taking Taking it all away Don't keep on blaming Me for my disposition Everything you had you just gave it away

Chorus

And I missed it? Did I Can you tell me what I really missed? I never really missed you I just wanted your comfort And you never gave it to me Even when on handz and kneez You just kicked me Down even fatther Laughing at me sickly When I fell into the void of empty And I want to grasp your handz Around your scrawny little neck You think you're such the mahn But did you ever stop to think how desperate Your cry for attention Dimly iz? Nah you wouldn't

Chorus

You think your pity Can make up for it Well your shame can't have me No face it I'm not going to let you fix it I don't want it castrated I want to remember it So you can b the boiy I hate And not want to race bak to it When I stupidly am frightened No I want you and me to end Forever Yes dear Forever And you'll never See the pain you caused me I don't expect it to ever And I don't care I just want you to leave it all behind Like I did For it to b erased in the mind Just like my love to your heart did Sickening You sicken me Thinking I could ever love you again What the hell waz I thinking Why would I want to try When I can find Someone ten timez the person you'll ever amount to I suppose crushed ice of ambiance will never do

She'z So Huge
mmm eyez are going out thiz izh alwayz fun. mrow damned low blood pressure mrow must kill body lol eih would but izh pretty sure shez forbidden to do thiz? mrow hopez not tho ;p haz the feeling she iz tho hmmm ohhhh yesh to explain my title of the entry haz the Flyz stuck in the head go me for watching Disturbing Behavior lol. mmm that and I'm probably like mega tired I only slept for like an hour and a half last nite where eih I just couldn't sleep for some reason I probably got too much caffeine from all the iced tea I drank last night only thing that waz really around damned contraceptive patch thingy haz been making me like weirdly crave stuff like uhm today had to have salsa and uhm hmm dunno if I really craved anything else cept for like sour skittlez but then likez those about any time az well az like sweet tartz and spreez. yesh haz been taught to b a junk food junkie mrow even tho iznt az bad az some people I happen to know lol mrow thinkz of Melissa lmfao miss take the thing of sugar and just pour it down her mouth. Heiy I'm not that bad! mrow just honestly really likez spicy and sour thingz I'm a freek, yesh eih even tho honestly favorite thingz are like nectarinez and watermelon yesh weirdness. hmmm anyayz shyeah had to get up and like get ready I waz like mega dead I can't remember what mom came in here and said to me when I waz like half asleep about Cinnamon something where I had to take him into the groomer where he waz so bad off she waz like embarrassed so I'm like uhm kay. . .whatever? fallz bak asleep lol mrow hmmm shyeah fell asleep thinking about someone last nite lol mrow izh crazy shyeah so I had to get up and like get ready to take him in az well az take Josh to Jamie mrow yesh it soundz weird hearing that name for her baby I had my mom come in here and waz like wonder where little Josh izh right now and my sisterz like eih and I'm like eih like you said prolly at Jamiez grandmotherz house. It still waz like woah just weird sounding lol mrow hmmm shyeah so then we like went and took Brandon money even tho I'm not allowed to say anything mrow yesh haz a secret see how like uhm nice I am keepz her mouth shut for people even tho they fawk with her to the point of gawd knowz what. Yesh had people being mega evil today shrugZ first having to just sit there and make fun of me saying I'm not clean or something fawked up like that I'm like mmm kk freek?? mrow shyeah anyayz then we like went to Blockbuster picked up that Spidermahn movie got it like on dvd and then like got Jason X and uhm Sum of Crimez I think it iz? mrow don't zactly remember since mom picked that out. uhm let'z see then we like went to Walmart and like she had to get the oil changed in the fawked up vahn and then like we walked around and like I got to go get anime mrow yesh izh kinda excited lol. mrow they're like my first actual owned animez that are myne. Most other thingz that I've had have alwayz been someone elsez. hmmm which remindz me I need to ask Melissa if like she'z definitely going to Katsucon in Feb which iz like in Virginia and if so if they'd have some room for me to stay in the hotel room with them if I'd help pay. Ohhhh mahn tho please don't have Neil staying with us please oh please oh please. I know Ryan'd b staying with us and that'd b just about az bad he'd probably try and fawk me and Mel at the same time since he can't get to hiz ugly minor girlfriend lol. mrow yesh aren't just so sweet? eih I gotta find out if my ex stalker haz said anything about going either. If so must make sure to keep a knife on me at all timez lol. mrow I have the feeling if I ever went bak up there and he saw me again he'd seriously try and get all over me which I in NAO meanz want. mrow hmmm but shyeah if I go bak up there any time soon I need to take like a bunch of blank vhs tapez and like have her copy them for me hmmm wonder if she could copy dvdz to vhs. . . .mrow doeznt know that much about dvd stuff yesh I suck but heiy thatz okay. mrow uhm shyeah lol yeah tho mrow I need to watch the animez I got. I got Vampire Hunter D Blood Lust which iz the second movie and then Armitage, which iz the one anime character Melissa would actually say that reminded her of me. Eih I think she may have seen otherz but she either liked them or eih I don't remember them at the moment. . . .Anyayz, the reason Armitage reminded her of me izh because I'm fierce, ferocious, bold, brave, creative, dominant, powerful, aggressive, insane and most of all because I'm a fighter and a valkyrie ;p shyeah. hmmm then like uhm went and just got other stuff and went home and uhm hmmm what'd I do when I got home ohhhh yeah I like had to make my mom some signz for her to sell Brandonz ugly petz. mrow and then I finished writing like a song I'd started sometime bak in June which I finally remember why I started I'll write the commentary on it with it here in a moment. uhm let'z see I had my mom asking me later on when we went to go pick up bow wow who iz now like basically shaven my poor baby ;/ eih least he feelz better cept for being cold. Anyayz, shyeah she like basically haz the idea of getting me a dvd player, fish and like the aquarium thingy, anime, and a phonecard so I can like call Tascha, Melissa and Christina lol. mrow that remindz me I need to finish the email I waz writing bak to her on damnit totally forgot that. eih mrow I suck yesh yesh. hmmm I think the top cartilage thing in my ear that nao I did not do myself but Clairez did very badly iz getting infected once again. I hate thiz. mrow must get new body. . . ..hmm shyeah that showz how much pain I can take. Shyeah that remindz me uhm next time I hang out with Josh should make him watch my animez lol mrow aren't you going to have fun lmfao. shyeah mmm izh tired so shyeah who knowz what I'm really saying? I'm going to get online actually now and look for people

laterZ

Presently

I've hit the end

My mind'z riveting

Once again

Drifting bak into the place

Where I'm thinking

Where I'm dreaming

About you

And you don't know it

Or do you?

You didn't say it

If you did

I know you feel it

Just az much if not more az I do

I've fallen all the way in love with you

I know I've got it bad enough

To leave everyone else behind for you

And will it scare you enough

To drive you away

Finding out that a banshee of a lady

Lovez you more than life itself

And I want to b happy with you

I've never felt

Compelled to the point of letting the past go

Not until I fell

Into your armz and I'd never have known

That any one person could feel az good az you do

Don't look at me like that

Too cute for wordz

With you wordz disappear

I know them

I have them

Inside of my mind

I want to let them suspend

But I'm too lost in staring

Out into the sky

Out into your eyez

And I want to kiss you

Over and over

Until the rainbow breakz

With you I don't want tomorrow

With the world I don't want to explain

What I feel

What I think

What I conceal

What I'm hiding

But I know with you

I need to

You need to know the truth

The dirty mirror behind my past

The reasonz why I've become what I am

The reaonz why I nao longer am sane

Nao nao you don't have to say

Anything

It'z enough just having

You actually listening

To what I'm saying

Intrigue so amazing

I want you with everything

That keepz me living

I can't give you enough thought

I'm scared if you want me to b honest

I'm scared of losing

Everything to you

You're worth risking

Everything there iz for giving

Just to see what I could have happen

I'm not leaving

I don't care what happenz

Affection attached itself to me

It made everything seem okay

Util it disappeared like the drowing of the rain

Love left me long ago

Until I touched your mouth

With mine

It made me remember

How much I wanted everything to b fine

The way it used to b in December

When everything looked brighter

Only passion with you feelz better

Then the cheap lie of desire

That I've heard forever

You changed it

And I can't go bak to the comfort that deception painted

I want more

I want you more

More than anything or anyone else. . . .

Delusional now izn't it?

Maybe

But I don't care about it

I don't know where you've taken me

But I don't want to come bak

To any place before it

And if I must comebak

To it

In any form physically

I'll stay with you

In my dream like form az I do presently

Fully

hmm kk wrote thiz like Sunday night when I waz watching Pretty Woman so who knowz what I waz thinking or feeling lol

I want your mouth on myne

Devouring my skin

In the sea of your changing eyez I'm drowning

Lipz drifting

Parched mouth enveloping

The velvet of the pale moonbeamz draping

Soft nibbling

Turning my flesh into gelatin

I want you

You can't even imagine

The quivering just the gentle touch of your hand iz causing

I'm yourz for the taking

Please stop begging me

Eyez more mesmerizing than crystalz of jade

Buried deep down inside

Storming cloudz of emotion I hide

You don't know exactly

How much I. . . .

Want to latch on to you

Never letting go

I don't dare tell you

I'm afraid to let you know

How easily

You could completely

In one glimpse own me

You could steal me

Would you keep me?

If I gave you everything

Do you know the feelingz

You've manifested on me

Divine lipz I want to interlock passionately

I want to see you smiling

The way you do

Alwayz

I want you to feel me

Like I feel you

I want you to b consumed with jealousy

To see yourself az foolish az I do

When I want only you

I need you

More than I've ever need anyone before

Embelish me

Say that you want me

Make me feel beautiful

Enough to know that no one else will do

If only

For one night

Make me part of your soul fully

Disturbing Behavior
mmm saw that Disturbing Behavior waz on USA so like basically had to watch it lol I love that movie too. Hmm if you've seen it which most people haven't mrow but eih sine they now show it on USA maybe. . . .just maybe. Anyayz, if you have if you know the song in the beginning of the movie and the ending at the creditz and a lot of the music in the movie iz by the band called the Flyz/ Eih weirdly az it iz Chrstina, Crystal-even tho I really can't stand her, and I met them at like Z-Fest like mega looong ago lol. mrow weird how I actually remember that. Eih I suppose I like that movie cause I find Jamez Marsden and Nick Stahlhottiez lol and eih Katie Holmez iznt bad looking and I think shez a grrreat actress even tho considering she did Dawsonz Creek which I hate lol. mrow hmmm wonder what I'm doing tomorrow getz check tomorrow yesh my life iz bluh. mrow hmm know we have to take bow wow to b basically shaven off where he got flea ridden how I havent a fawking clue the other dog haz like zero fleaz mega fawking weird. Eih he haz to b like cut like on a regular basis mega sux I wish we could do it ourslevz but Cinnz a bit fawking evil? lol and even tho he haz nao teeth hardly where they all had to b taken out basically from just where poodlez have mega bad teeth anyayz shyeah he will try and bite you if he getz the least bit sensitive and even tho he adorez me to death he'll even try and bite me. mrow so shyeah Judy haz to do it. hmmm let'z see probably just going into town we have to go pick up that movie Spidermahn where people had to buy it just to get free movie rentalz gay very gay dunno if im going to watch that want to go get something more entertaining lol and uhm hmmm other than that not a clue. mrow I waz just assigned to watch the monster who livez with me. Yesh I call babiez monsterz basically. mrow that and I have nao idea what else to call him mrow my nick name thingz getting weak yesh I suck. mmm damnit I'm tired need to write stuff down and then just go sleep. mmm kk momz bak with hiz clothez. mmm ah wellz thatz it i guess.

forgot something
eih I forgot about a couple of thingz for starterz we found out that like Jamiez baby haz ringworm nao idea how he would have gotten it none of us have that kind of skin condition eih I figure the only way he could of gotten it waz from the people they took him around that Brandon knowz. Hiz friendz are pretty damned bleh. mrow not very grrreat people. Ugh and I'm a bit pissed off too. I mean hell it'z Halloween and I HAD to b home by midnite tonight right???? Jamie iz fawking out and she can stay out however fawking late she wantz that iz just not fawking fair. mrow I wanna b out and having fun instead of sitting here trying to find something to do to fawking pass my time and get myself over it. It'z not fair that my mom can drop everything after she getz home from skewl too to watch her baby even tho he izh sick and shit and I mean I do feel sorry for him but still it'z not right that I get to have all these fawking doublestandardz and it makez her wonder why I leave at every fawking chance I get? it'z because she'z fawking evil to me I mean it'z like thiz about everything and everyone and I'm so sick of just stuff with her mrow why can't I pick my parentz? eih guess cause of that thing you can't pick your family huh? mrow turnz Two Mix up even louder yesh I'm listening to Japanese music b scared mrow grrreat stuff mrow I feel like shit thinking of all thiz from a the past and b just the way thingz really are i really wish i could just die sighZ mrow must go bak into the fantasizing before i try and do something bad eih im probably losing the med rush too where I forgot to take that shit today and not really into putting thingz into my mouth lately makez me feel like blehhhh. mrow I suck sighZ

Bunny Girl
LoL hmm eih shyeah so everybody knowz wore pink rabbit earz and a pink well the tail waz really like white furryish stuff lol shyeah. LoL wonderz if people thought she waz a gothic playboiy bunny ha ha ha shyeah riiiight lmfao. funny thought tho huh ;p mrow shyeah eih waz wondering since I waz wearing the black halter top that my nipplez kept going hard in like every two secondz lmfao. mrow must remember to not wear that again. . . .lol nah actually likez it, it'z just too damned cold. mrow i heard itz supposed to snow soon that would honestly suck. mrow then definitely can't wear the short sleevez ;/ mrow i like sleeeless and short sleeved stuff better honestly lol. mrow hmmm had fun anyayz got to hang out with Josh for like uhm don't know how many hourz mindz not thinking. Mrow can't believe he wazn't scared to death I came in and like got undressed and my mom waz like mega like omg you're home?? lmfao we did freak her out just so ya know lmfao. I'm like down there first I'd already gotten undressed and waz just like putting on my nightgown and like she looked at me and waz like have you been crying? I'm like uhm nao?? I waz like ah fawk must have totally smeared my eyeliner thatz what I get for being too fawking nervous when putting on make up I suck! honestly hatez wearing make up it ithcez like fawking hell. mrow I dunno if I like that straightening gel shit I got for my hair either my hair probably looked like a fawking mess nahh i guess not mom would have more than likely opened her mouth on that one too so it must not have looked too abnormal just feelz it lol where i guess i put too much of it in my hairz a bit uhmmm stiff? lol mrow ah wellz just gotta remember not to put too much of that in the next time i blow dry it. Eih i like the glossy stuff tho i think it kinda made it look a bit more red eih thatz my opinion tho ;p mrow hmm eih tho we watched Evolution and Hellraiser mrow liked those moviez mrow yepcan tell we have like a mega similar taste in moviez. mrow music too lol eih yesh hearing Tori Amos makez me think of Josh eih wellz least the songz Winter and A Sorta Fairy Tale and eih why of Winter i guess because of the chorus of it A sorta fairy tale ive only heard like once but when i heard it on mtv or mtv2 whatever Brandon had on that nite like just made me think of him eih I can't explain my mind. . .mrow we shouldn't go there. hmmm shyeah anyayz, uhm yesh lol what waz I going to put now? ohhh yeah really mega lovez holding him mrow would probably do that like all day if i could or just for mega long periodz of time. really likez it shyeah and haz the feeling he doeznt have to do much to seduce the Heather more like just playing and rubbing up and down her handz doez it mrow wayyy too sensitive skin. mrow that and he'z wayyy too cute mrow. shyeah can tell that i really love him mrow not a lot of people can make me forget thingz like i did last nite one thing i think i forgot to mention of my relationship with my ex waz that uhm when we first started dating i liked him but i wazn't totally hiz for quite a few monthz because I still basically belonged to Devon whether he wanted me or not which he didn't because he waz in love with Tascha lmfao i remember how jealous I used to b of her when I really didn't know that much about her ;p I alwayz knew she HAD to b like mega pretty which gawd she iz. but shyeah my ex could never make me forget another guy. mrow eih I guess I just didn't love him that much yet shrugZ. mrow hmmm wonder how taschaZ halloween waz and wonder how everyone elsez waz too I wanted to talk to Julez but couldn't find her ah wellz I'll find her tomorrow nite ;p mrow eih I talked to Brian he thinkz that I'm like thiz amazing person compared to everyone else he'z ever met because I've never judged him lmfao. Why the hell would I judge him or try and say that I'm better than him or anything stupid like that? I'm az fawked up az they get I have a million thingz wrong with me along with a million problemz shrugZ. he told me that he just really can't fit in down in Lexington because everyone sayz he'z a "Yankee kid" where he'z from wayyy up north in Ohio mrow lol I wonder what he soundz like if he haz an accent like Lauren did she soundz like Fran Drescher lol she livez in I think itz Berea, Ohio can't remember the exact location. been too long another one of those people of my past who shunned the hell out of me and did judge me for being little miss gothy. mrow likez having dark people around her who are a bit insane heh they make grrreat company probably a hell of a lot better than most people I've like ever met. but shyeah I'm not az grrreat az Brian wantz to think. LoL he told me that I'm not the crazy one that it'z the world ha ha nao we all know I'm nutz ;p mrow but that'z okay. shyeah he asked me to go to like lunch or dinner with him next week lol. mrow I waz like sure why not since he'z just my friend and will NOT b anything else and if he wantz anything else too fawking bad doezn't want to give him anything else nahhh already haz Josh doezn't want any other guyz for that lol mrow yesh b scared b very scared shyeah like I'm gonna get that one ah wellz I really don't want it anyayz it'd mega suck if I scared him away. mrow he'll probably get tired of me one day tho lol. shyeah I'm going to get like mega scared if I actually have Brian come meet me I mean gawd just meeting anyone new scared the hell out of me. mrow az bad az it iz it takez me quite some time to get used to a person and trust them. hmmm I've knwon Brian since like August so like uhmmm three monthz now? still i get mega scared at the thought of doing anything. mrow altho since he'z not really from here he could b like mega different mrow eih to b honest from being around here Josh iz like the only normal person I've met offline? lol yesh findz meeting him an extremely grrreat thing. mrow but shyeah people not from here I love Mel, and Tascha and Jill and Joy and Julie and Steve and Stephen and Daff and Deen and Devon and a lot of other people. mrow I'm a bit tired itz a wonder I didn't pass out earlier I don't think I've really regained like all my bodily energy from being sick mrow and shyeah it'z a good thing didn't get kissed tonite may still b a bit sick from the way I woke up freezing thiz morning and kept being like that about all day and then just feeling sick and tired unless it'z from the bc contraceptive shit lol. mrow hmmm but shyeah thingz are just weird a lot sighZ and eih I'm babbling where I'm tired. hmmm I tried talking to Moni tonite but that waz a fawking dumb idea shez become such a fawking bitch and whore. Ya know it'z mega scary how just about nearly everyone of my past haz come to shun me because A. I'm a goth b. I can at timez b a bit bi C. Just the way I am az in a lot of them believe i'm slutty. which heiy maybe I am but uhm I can't help that I'm a nymphomaniac of course compared to some people I don't have to do a different person every nite and eih it'z not everything to me I wouldn't want a relationship based on just sex. That'd honestly suck. mrow eih ah wellz. screw everyone who haz to b such stuck up biggoting hypocritez. fawk'em I don't need them. shrugZ. eih anyayz I'm going to put the crazy poemz I wrote which iz only like two up and then prolly fall asleep mrow

laterZ

Understand it All
I finally figured it out of what I waz thinking and feeling last night. mrow I know why I waz thinking that uhm I had wanted to have anything at all to do with Will again mrow which waz a fawking retarded thought. But I know now the reason iz that I'm comftorable with him. I mean gawd it'z been what two and a half yearz almost? geez. hmm but yesh it waz from the fact that eih I know everything that goez on with us. I mean it'z like I can predict the future of a relationship we'd have. I know he CAN'T use me for anything especially not for sex because we live a bit far apart for a physical relationship lol. mrow I mean the whole time we were together it waz just an emotional basis. I mean it'z just I know what goez on between us well almost all of it. The reasonz we broke up are because he used me just to get a rise out of himself and have grrreat fawking sexual fantasiez, uhm and just that he cheated on me behind my bak every fawking chance he got and never told me and I had to find it all out from hiz slutty blone bitchy whorez? lol I stupidly kept loving him. Why I'll never know and then I kinda made him feel like he had to pay for it. I showed my mega hellcat side. Uhm shyeah so he felt mega bad for being such a rampant relicing skanky rake to me. So we ended up becoming extremely good friendz. Although, thingz haven't alwayz been perfect between us, never have been. eih if you're ever wondering why I'm not very easily trusting, why I don't give myself az freely az I once did it'z because of him. I mean I loved him with every piece of myself, gave him everything I could, told him every single little thing I thought and felt about myself. Yet he just took advantage of me and hurt me. That'z why I'm a bit afraid to give myself to anyone completely ever again because I figure I'll just get az much hurt az I have before. I hope people who want me can understand, although if people want me they must b crazy lol. mrow but yesh that'z basically why last night came up I waz thinking that heiy having someone that I'm comfotorable with izh better because I have nothing to fear of losing the person I'm in love with. Maybe that'z the reason why I hold myself bak and don't give all myself to any one person, so that I don't lose myself again and become stuck on one person and just totally end up getting hurt when they finally get tired of me and throw me away shrugZ eih I guess I just need to deal with it and cope with the fact that it'z a risk that I just need to make myself take.

laterZ

More Reminding

hmm found a song that even more remindz me of myself when I waz watching cartoonz ;p lol eih thiz waz on the Flinstonez it'z called "I Ain't Gonne be your Fool no more" just really reminded me of the way I'd been feeling lately. So eih if you think you can manipulate me into not thinking or being your stupid fool forget it!

I ain't going to be your fool no more Cried and cried until my eyes are sore Gave you all the love I had Still you tried to treat me bad I loves you but I ain't gonna be your fool

I'm sick and tired of all your cheatin' and lyin' I'm gonna find myself a boy to keep my heart from cryin' Then you will be so blue A weepin' and a moanin' and a cryin' too I loves you but I ain't gonna be your fool

Last night I thought about you About things that we used to do About the things that we used to say But that was yesterday I'm a gonna change my ways Now it's my turn to play Gonna find me somebody new A-take-a-place-a-you now

I ain't going to be your fool no more Cried and cried until my eyes are sore I gave you all the love I had Still you tried to treat me bad I loves you but I ain't going to be your fool

You're going to find out just what you're done wrong You're going to wake up in the morning baby I'll be gone Each and every day of the week I can't eat my dinner and I can't sleep I loves you but I ain't going to be your fool I loves you but I ain't goinna be your fool I loves you but I ain't gonna be your fool

Can't make up my mind
Eih with all the weird thingz I've been feeling I can't decide which song representz me more at the moment ohhh yesh and luckily I didnt say anything about uhm the way Tori Amos remindz me of someone. . . .anyayz these are the two songz I've like been kinda stuck on that make me think of me. . .

Spark

she's addicted to nicotine patches she's addicted to nicotine patches she's afraid of the light in the dark 6.58 are you sure where my spark is here, here, here

she's convinced she could hold back a glacier but she couldn't keep Baby alive doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere here, here, here you say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it you say you dont want it this circus we're in but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

if the Divine master plan is perfection maybe next i'll give Judas a try trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin here, here, here you say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it you say you don't want it this circus we're in but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

how many fates turn around in the overtime ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i say you don't want it say you don't want it say you don't want it again and again but you don't really mean it say you don't want it this circus we're in but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

she's addicted to nicotine patches she's afraid of the light in the dark 6.58 are you sure where my spark is here, here, here

either that or

Precious Thingz

So I ran faster But it caught me here Yes my loyalties turned Like my ankle In the seventh grade Running after Billy Running after the rain

These precious things Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things Let them break their hold over me

He said you're really an ugly girl But I like the way you play And I died But I thanked him Can you believe that Sick Sick Holding on to his picture Dressing up every day I wanna smash the faces Of those beautiful boys Those christian boys So you can make me cum that doesn't make you Jesus

These precious things Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things Let them break their hold over me

I remember Yes in my peach party dress No one dared No one cared To tell me where the pretty girls are Those demigods With Their Nine-Inch Nails And Little Fascist Panties Tucked Inside The Heart Of Every Nice Girl

These precious things Let them bleed Let them wash away These precious things Let them break Let them wash away These these precious things Let them bleed now Let them wash away These these precious things Let them break their hold over me

Precious ...

Conclusion
Conclusion to what I waz thinking earlier after talking to my ex and finding out that he can actually remember the very first time he'd met me and uhm that he actually kept stuff he'd written about me that made me feel a bit weird and start wondering if thingz were trying to go bak to the way they were and then I realized that waz a hell nao because thingz were az they alwayz were meaning absolutely nothing and alwayz being meaningless and besidez I don't love him any more nahhh far too much in love with another mahn now to ever think that I'm in love with him again nahhh I waz just being mega retarded because of how grrreat thingz were at the time but eih they weren't ever really that grrreat if we get right down to it shrugZ likez the way thingz are now and so az ive said before I find that it had to of been a good thing that thingz didnt werk out like I thought they would at the time otherwise I would never have gotten to b in love like I am now and eih I think most of the time I waz with him waz a lie shrugZ eih thatz my life for me mrow eih ah wellz needz to just let it go and stop getting all crazy over it lol eih ah wellz more of thinking of how much she like wantz to lick Josh on the lipz yesh b scared mrow lol eih shyeah doubtz she'll get that effect ah wellz lol mrow

She'z So Unusual
Eih waz going to dress up az a gothic cat fairy but heiy that didnt turn out couldn't find any cat earz or fairy wingz around here. So eih what I am being iz going to b a bit freakish for me lmfao itz a bit unusual ;p Eih it more than likely won't scare little kidz or anything but eih on me itll b scary nuff lmfao. mrow hmm wonder if Juliez on I actually should get online and look for her and tell her what I'm being ;p mrow I'm watching "Urban Legendz" tho alwayz mega getz into thiz movie lovez it dunno why. mrow gotta go look tho see what she say zto me being thiz crazy, wacky thing lmfao. mrow mmm either I'm still sick or trying to cheat having my period waz a bad ass idea. Eih thatz right I never wrote about how sick I waz the last few dayz. I had the flu terribly. I like so could not stop throwing up like all Monday nite I thought I waz either going to get mega dehydrated or die. Ahhhhhh too many aohell noisez of the buddy list popping on to my speakerz. save me!! lol mrow talking to Matt right now he'z mega kewl I'd like to meet him some day just to find out what he'z like in person. damnit he didn't say anything about my costume thingy lmfao. eih Julez iznt on AiM or MsN. dunno if shez on bolt I hate going on there it'z so damned dead and I feel like a stranger around people I haven't talked to anyone in for like so long lmfao oooh now I'm talking to Will. lol mrow let'z see what he'll say to the Heather. mrow maybe I can get him to say something about what I picked out lmfao yesh I have the feeling he will ;p mrow ohhh yesh that remindz me I need to find like some opeth and el nino forgot about him telling me about those two bandz the last time we talked. mrow eih findz Will interesting for some strange reason maybe a part of me still like likez him who knowz I'm scary yesh b afraid ;p I hardly doubt that I have any sexual feelingz for him just emotionally attached to him az a person so calm down. Even tho, yesh yesh he izh hot. lol get scared ;p mrow eih now needz to find "Milk it" by Nirvana. bad Will bad. mrow shyeah he doeznt find it surprising that I went by the nick "Scarling" either lmfao. .He'z like yeah I thought all the namez you went by suited you since I said most of the people who have come to know me around there thought it suited me. That dong. lol I'm trying to freak Matt out, it'z not werking tho lol. I told him I should bite him for calling me kewl where I'm not. mrow psychology major interesting lol. mrow I still wanna take that class where you get to study dreamz. mrow damnit all my men are going to go study damn you get bak here. I need people to talk to lol since taschaZ being all silent eih she seemz so withdrawn around me lately she prolly hatez me shrugZ ohhhhh fawk mrow I'm getting sucked bak into something that nao nao you don't wanna know. ohhhhh fawking hell eih nevermind I think that thoughtz about to get scratched away. come one take it away take it away damn you. lol don't ask. ;p mrow eih Dima had to go study too damnit everyone I haven't gotten to talk to in forever iz like leaving. mrow waiting for an answer to one of my crazy questionz im going to get scared and get rid of thiz little piece of hope that'ztill stupidly locked inside me. eih my nose iz itching wonder whoz going to show up. . . . hopez itz someone that'll entertain me. . . .mrow mmm I'm a bit tired I think being sick the last few dayz and not really eating all that much haz ownr me out that and running around like crazy all day trying to get thingz settled so I can b scary tomorrow lol. mrow izh supposedly going out with Josh tomorrow dunno haven't talked to him yet today. My mom waz trying to sit there and say that he waz just using me lmfao riiiiiight what would he b using me for? I'm not that pretty I'm not that great I'm not that talented and uhm DAMNIT FAWKING ANSWER THE QUESTION I ASKED YOU LITTLE BOIY. lol sorry for the outburst in the middle of that but I want that piece of sand stuck in my eye to b swallowed by the one I'm waiting for an answer to a question of my past about.mrow eih I guess he iznt going to answer me shrugZ fawk it. fawk me to hell. mrow uhm let'z see I think I like thought about that stuff Mel told me a little bit too much yesterday considering the freaky ass dream I had lol uhm the thing she waz telling me waz about the day she, Ryan, and Neil went to the mall and like Ryan kept picking fleaz off of her and lifting up her clothez or some shit like that and Neil waz like laughing at her and like grabbing her or something and schmacking her in the bak of the head. and like they were just going around the mall acting mega stupid and so I had thiz dream about like first off ending up at anime club with her. and then like us being chased around a mall by my ex stalker and one of my ex best friendz. mega fawking freaky. eih it made nao sense what so ever. I've had some mega freaky dreamz except for like Tuesday when I finally fell asleep around five am. I didn't really dream anything course I only slept for like an hour and a half. Monday I had these dreamz first dream like I had four catz on me biting me to death that were like demonish and then thiz dream of like these horsez totally tearing down the city of Irvine where my dad used to live and like I had to get bak to Richmond to find my mom and go to some appointment, and like waz being mega chased by the horsez. LoL yesh get scared ;p mrow and the night before that like I dreamt about making love with Josh a couple of timez and then thiz other really mega freaky dream, where I neded up married to some redneck and totally like regretting when he thought I waz mega perfect and remember like coming out there feeling terrible and in front of hiz hillbilly family saying that I oculdnt stay with him and give him bak hiz ring and one of my friendz had came and found me and like had to go in there and help me pack all my clothez which took forever and hiz hillbilly family kept making all these really nasty commentz about me and like the mom in the dream waz like so mega ugly. lmfao I have nao idea where they come from. mrow eih hmmm damnit nao comment on what I'm going to wear tomorrow from Will. sighZ I made myself suffer through like mega pain yesterday cause I had a pretty high fever and aching like mega terribly and just wouldn't take anything cause every time I got up I about fell down if anyone had been around they probably would have laughed like soooo mega hard at me. mrow Mel'z sick too, she'z been sick for like over twenty dayz she probably haz mono or some shit the way those degeneratez are like sick up there that she hangz around I wouldn't doubt it one little bit. I feel really bad for her tho since they have like nao food up there and she getz like sick nearly every fawking time she eatz. I kinda wonder tho if it'z mega real since thiz happened the EXACT same time last year fawking freaky eih? mrow yesh I worry about her she'z still one of the people I'm probably the most closest to and can like talk about anything to which I don't do a lot with everyone I know any more. I'm not too awfully trusting any more shrugZ. mrow eih everyonez probably just using me eih I guess I should just use them bak lol. mrow eih I miss Mel tho a lot I wish I could get to talk to her more but she doezn't call me like I know she doez other people and doezn't attempt to get to me shrugZ. I'm retarded what can I say? mrow I have thiz like slight feeling she'z still like in love with Elesia too for those who don't know of Elesia one of Melissa'z supposed ex girlfriendz she failed to tell me that she waz with when she got with me and like slept with me shrugZ. I SUCK!!! mrow my fawked relationshipz. Eih least the worm took away the dripping fawked up dispensing bit of emotion I had left for him. goody. mrow eih I think I just miss thiz stuff because it waz comforting in my past shrugZ. mrow I'm pretty fawking tired. Hmm other thingz. I talked to my mammie today and eih told her about stuff seen what she'd heard about me lmfao everyone'z told her of my disappearance eih I told her why I did it since I felt like nao one wanted me around and thingz were mega weird. I mean thingz have been crappy and it'z like how much my mom wantz me around here people around her edon't even notice or pay attention when I'm crying or like in mega pain. shrugZ. I mean she like didn't bring me anything for pain for like eih nearly all day? Because she had to take Jamie and her baby to go to the doctor where the baby haz something like mega wrong with it I know I feel sorry for it too he'z too fawking cute and eih thingz are just weird around here sighZ. mrow ohhh mahn I've already been threatened too of I'd better b home by midnite tomorrow or shez going to throw my stuff out. She waz being a mega bitch, mrow I feel weird tonite. Eih I found out that that the heart catherization thing went fine too eih they found out she had like a small artery uhm blocked or something and gave her some pillz to try and dissolve it. mrow hmmm ohhh yeah for those who have to unfortunately b submitted to seeing my icky stomach the patch thingy I'm wearing iz my birth control patch lol. So don't think it'z like for something else/ Shyeah I'm trying to avoid having my period lol so I put one of those on shrugZ. b scared!! yesh very scared. mrow eih I'm scared of myself right now having all those emotionz like totally stuck in me. The last few dayz have been so fawking weird. ohhhh yeah I got to talk to Julie and Jilly last nite so I'm kind of happy about that and I talked to Deen. He stole my vampyre kitty idea!!! NAO FAIR lmfao he dyed hiz hair orange accidentally too lmfao. mrow DAMNIT DAMNIT TO HELL he answered me and that just makez me feel mega weird mrow I know I still have those fawking feelingz buried mrow why won't they ever go away? mrow nao you're not going to get to find out what I'm talking about I hope I'm being mega confusing at thiz lmfao.mrow should have never asked that question. Eih izh listening to Veruca Salt so itll all b okay. mrow I need to die really badly please please please? just say yes tell me yes. mrow and I don't care what he sayz I'm still fawking impressed with the answerz I got from those questionz I asked and mega impressed that I'm remembered that well. I NEVER thought that they remembered stuff like that. mrow freaky very freaky. Izh now listening to "Shutterbug" mmm. let'z see I have nao where to sleep tonite where I took the couch cushionz off and the stuff covering them off to b washed where I waz wayyyy too sick the last few dayz. sighZ mrow why do I have thiz weird feling I had people talking about me badly today? mrow izh starting to get into the mood of leaving again wonder who wantz a room buddy for a while lmfao outside of hell lol. eih anything else to say? dunno let'z think about thiz one lol. mrow nah I'm in the mood to b quet now. . .

laterZ

Paranoid
mmm kay I'm feeling mega weird and I'd say it didn't help having my mother come in here thiz morning right when I waz in between the dimensionz of being half asleep and half awake and telling me shit that I would have rather not of heard because it just made me feel even more weird. . .. she waz jut telling me that people are probably lying to me so they don't have to hang around me or see me which shez probably right eih doeznt know why anyoned wanna see me when they don't have to. Eih I'm probably feeling mega weird too because I didn't take my yummy prozac today. I just forgot where we had Elmira and monster here like basically all day. Ugh Brandon iz such a fawking asshole. First off he like totally fawkz with Jamie first takez her out and getz her drunk then bringz her bak two hourz later and leavez her here and goez bak to party with him low life friendz. Then I see that he took like all the shit I've been downloading since like nearly a year ago on my kazaa list and deletez like basically everything. Gawd I just wanna slao him. sighZ I talked to Melissa today heard that she hung out with our ex that had never even liked either one of us the other day. fun fun. I waz like eih ohhh wellz I'm with someone much better right now so uhm shyeah I could care less what he thinkz? I waz like uhm yesh the guy I'm with izh like much cuter and sweeter than Neil could ever dream of being and uhm ten timez better in bed with me? LoL cause I'm sorry I dunno if it'z where Neil'z bi or what he just doez not know how to please women tho lmfao. He'z just plain out scary tho. Eih my stalker waz scarier tho. Shyeah told her how I think having Josh mrow at me iz like mega cute too mrow eih hopez that thiz doeznt get seen any time soon lmfao mrow he'll prolly get me to say it anyayz damn the cute begging. mmm I hate being sick eih yesh probably made Josh sick yesh if it waz me come kill me ;p mrow shyeah like I'm going to get that lucky ;p mrow unless getz to b killed with like uhm pleasure hmmm honestly wouldn't mind that at all. mrow eih specially since I just like wanna jump him and lick him to death shhhh he doeznt know thiz yet and when he doez maybe he'll get like mega scared to death ;p mrow likez talking to him too much. Eih shyeah we got into thiz discussion of like I guess reverting bak to the past and if people only knew of how many songz can do that to me. Such az what I'm listening to right now. . .Jack off Jill. . . .remindz me mainly of Will and a bit of Devon since he'z the one who told me about them. But more of Will, because I waz mega into Jack off Jill the time I waz the most in love with him and did nothing at all except think of him night and day and want to talk to him every second that I could and shyeah just the wordz totally remind me of the wayz I felt around the time it all happened. mrow yesh I'm a freak. Eih lately too I'm mega scared that people are only interested in me for getting sex, for relieving boredom, uhm just settling for me since they can't get either something better or what they really want. I really wish I could read people'z mindz so I would know where I stand alwayz so I know what to do instead of having to rely on my intuition that'z alwayz telling me I'm headed for a mega disaster. Someone just shoot me please? mrow I'm pretty damned tired and just wish that I could hug Josh mrow likez doing that eih shyeah b scared ;p mrow shyeah wantz him too much thiz should b easy to tell by now. I just really wish I could predict thingz better any more I just feel so fawking strange az in just a depressing way. Not the way I did the other day when I waz just totally out of it and felt like I waz seriously on drugz. Nah I can tell it'z from not taking myne today. mrow I hate medicine so much sighZ aiy damn paranoia mrow I'm pretty worried about my mammie too right now thiz izh my grandmother on my dadz side. She'z in the hospital right now over her heart she haz to have a catherization on Monday ;/ mrow I really hope that nothing takez her away from me. She'z one of the only people in my family who actually understandz me, will listen to me, and lovez me to death honestly nao matter what. I'm just scared I suppose sighZ mrow Melissa iz kinda jealous that I have a relationship with another person and thinkz because I do that my life should b perfect now if she only knew the fawking half of it. Just because you have someone to the billionz who think it makez everything betterm iit honestly doezn't. You're still alwayz afraid that heiy they really love someone else, that they're going to leave you any day now, and that it'z all just a amke believe fairy tale. Maybe that'z why the song "A Sorta Fairytale" by Tori Amos remindz me of like my life. shrugZ I just wish thingz could b perfect from that az of everyone thinkz. ha ha ha. mrow ah wellz mrow I kinda wonder if I'm just obsessing too much and need to tell myself to get the fawk over it and just let what happenz happen and just have fun with it while it lastz ya dig? mrow eih I wanna go have fun on Halloween really badly. Melissa already haz her costume made of Kiki some anime witch. ha ha like shez a witch! mrow riiiiight and I'm an angel ha ha ha. mrow ah wellz I wanna dress up az a goth cat fairy. My mom made fun of me for saying I wanted fairy wingz gawd shez such a fawking dong, she alwayz haz to sit there and make fun of me. Thank gawd for giving me the fawking spunk I have to have enough spirit to take up for myself and say to fawk off. Otherwise I'd probably b crying every fawking day. With az invisible and non existent az I get to b treated by her and most other people in thiz household. mrow I will unfortunately live tho.I'm just so sick of the way thingz are if you can't tell.grrrrowlz.Still will mistakingly live feeling totally inevitably not good enough for anyone and self despising myself forever. shrugZ I'm going to go take my cold/allergy antihistamine shit and go sleep.

laterZ

Never Do

kay I did not write thiz about anyone so don't think that itz about you because I waz listening to My Ruin when I wrote thiz and eih I waz just mega angry about a lot of shit.

I need to hear you say you hate me

Before I do anything

About the way I'm feeling

About what I'm thinking

About the thoughtz I'm believing

And don't tell me I'm the piece of faith you're needing

Because I'm not the one for you

You don't know it now do you

I need for you to look at me strangely

Before knowing

And contemplating what to do

I don't know what to do

I know what you're expecting

And I don't want to give it you

I've been thinking of leaving you

It'z the last thing I want to do

Because I know what you'll do

And I dont want you

Hurting

From a stupid little bitch like me

I don't want you revolving

Around someone az ugly az me

I don't want you having to b involved

With someone az complicated

Az an evil little harpie like me

And I don't want you prolonging

A relationship with me

Just because you feel sorry for me

Just because you feel guilty

Over the way everyone else haz treated me

It'z not your obligation

To love me

So don't keep staying with me

If it really meanz nothing

To you

Because I don't want to b pretending with you

And I think I've given you the wrong impression

That'z why you keep believing

I'm something precious

Something you're alwayz going to b needing

But I'm nothing special

Just a wilted girl

Underneath it all

Darkened dinner

Iz that all it meanz?

I don't want you holding me

Just because you know off me you'll receive your feast

And I'm sick of being me

Can you understand me?

FAWK NAO

You'll never understand me

FAWK NAO

You'll alwayz keep wondering

And you have no idea why I'm smiling

You want to know everything I'm thinking

But I can't open

Myself that deeply any more

So if you want it that way

You'd better go looking for more

Then what I have to give and offer

STAB ME

I KNOW YOU WANT TO

RAPE ME

YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO

SMACK ME

FOR BEING THE WHORE I AM

STRAP ME

DOWN FOR BEING THE LITTLE CHEATER I AM

YOU DON'T KNOW IT

YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT

NOT JUST YET

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN OVER COME IT

BUT YOU WON'T

WITH ME YOU'LL GET NO WHERE

SO STOP TRYING

I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED OF ME

STOP YOUR LYING

FAWK ME

LIKE THE TRAMP I AM

CUT ME

INTO WHAT

YOU WANT FROM ME

You keep looking at me

Hoping I know you're hoping

I;m going to change

Going to form into something unnaturally

And you think I have the greateast of qualitiez

You're just looking for company

DON'T LOOK AT ME ADORINLY

I'M NOTHING PRECIOUS

I'M NOTHING SPECIAL

BEHEAD ME

YOU LOOK SO FAWKING GOOD TO ME

BUT I KNOW I CAN NEVER B THE SAME

SO DON'T TELL ME I AM

DON'T GET MY HOPEZ UP AND THEN DROWN ME IN FLAMEZ

Spread me into fire flamez burning

Send me into the eternity

That I fell

Into long ago centuriez

STOP SAVING ME

I DON'T NEED IT

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

YOU DON'T SEE ALL OF ME

YOU JUST THINK YOU DO

BECAUSE YOU SEE THE POISON UNDERNEATH THE SURFACE OF MY NAILZ

SEND ME TO HELL

DO IT

DO IT NOW

I'M READY

DO YOU HEAR ME?

I'M READY

SO SEND IT TO ME

YOU CAN'T FEEL IT PRESSING INTO ME

You're just staring at me because I'm undressed

I'm not what you're really wanting

You can't get what you're really desiring

So I'm what you're settling

Yourself with

I know it

And every time my clothez hit the floor

I know what'z going to happen

I;m going to descend to heaven

Then I'll beg you for more

And you'll deny it

Because it'z good but not benign

And you're too tired

To get it

All the way in

And you don't know what I'm thinking

When your mouth coverz mine for the kissing

And I want you inch for inch

You don't know it

You'll never remember it

THAT'Z WHY I'M ASKING

FOR YOU

TO JUST STOP LETTING

IT CLAMP DOWN ON ME

STOP PUSHING

IT TO GO DOWN ON YOU

YOU DON'T NEED ME

YOU NEVER WILL

STOP TELLING ME

YOU ALWAYZ WILL

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT

AND I'VE ALREADY SEEN IT

I CAN FEEL IT INSIDE A PREMONITION

AND YOU JUST DON'T GET IT

BUT I KNOW I'M JUST ANOTHER COMPLICATION

SO LET IT GO

I DONT WANT YOU TO

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW

THAT YOU SHOULD WANT TO

BUT DON'T YOU DARE EVER WONDER

ABOUT HER

LOVE FOR YOU

BECAUSE SHE LOVEZ YOU MORE

THEN ALL MEN

I WILL SUFFER

FOR YOU MY LOVER

I WILL WEAR YOUR PAIN FOREVER

KISS ME UNDER THE WATER

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESSURE

I KNOW YOU'RE SCARED

I KNOW YOU'RE FRIGHTNED

WHY WON'T YOU ADMIT IT

WHY WON'T YOU SAY IT

YOU THINK YOU'RE DIFFERENT

BUT REALLY ARE YOU

DO YOU

JUST SAY YOU ARE

BECAUSE YOU

BELIEVE YOU ARE

EXPLAIN

THE REASONZ

WHY YOU THINK I'M SO STRANGE

IF IT'Z OTHERWISE

CAUSE I'LL NEVER FIT INTO THE GAWD DAMNED WORD TYPICAL

AND IF I'M TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU

THEN LEAVE

DON'T KEEP CIRCUMSIZING

MY TIME

JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE ME CRYING

JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE ME SHAKING

I CAN MAKE IT

AND IF I DON'T

DON'T LET IT

BREAK INTO YOU

I DON''T WANT IT TO

I JUST WANT TO HAVE YOU

ONLY WANTING ME ONLY WANTING YOU

BUT I KNOW THAT WILL NEVER DO

Kill me Please. . . . .
okayz yesterday waz one of the worse fawking dayz of my life. I'd say I have like a billion people who hate me right now and probably don't ever want to see or talk to me again. My mom and I got in like two major fightz, for me staying out for two nightz and staying with Josh. She told me it made me a whore and eih I suppose I am a whore I dunno. Ugh I feel like shit right now and having to hear Jamiez baby cry iz not helping my headache one bit. I should b lying down but like last nite I don't know if I'll get the chance to get on here. I'm supposedly grounded from being on here even though I'm nineteen yearz old. I feel like I'm being treated like a little child. Mrow am I tired.damned virus iz kicking my ass. Eih I guess I deserve to b sick after what I did yesterday. . . .disease came showing up again. mrow uhm letz see kk shyeah az of you know I left like Monday night and came bak around five something Wedz morning. Well I went and layed down on the couch my stepfather waz about to go to werk. He saw me there went in and told my mom I waz home. She came out bitching at me going where the hell have you been and shit. I know she knew the whole time where I waz. I waz in nao danger. So like shyeah we got in a huge ass fight and she told me I needed to call the police and tell them I waz home and nao longer missing. Because like the fawking bitch she iz she called the police on me. What the fawk they could do to me I don't know, I wazn't being kidnapped, I'm of legal age, and I hadn't been gone for a total forty eight hourz to b labeled missing. So the police were like out looking for us because I'd left with him. How fawked iz that? mrow I wanna find the prick prolly five billion pound police mahn she talked to. He told her if I ever do it again to pack my stuff and throw it out in the yard and kick me out, because I'd do it again. First off how the fawk iz that going to help? Secondly he doeznt fawking know me never fawking met me so yesh he really knowz how i act now doeznt he. mrow I really hate copz now the only time I've ever had to deal with them waz the night the dumbass like dropped me off somewhere and then the detectivez blamed me for him raping me. Saying I waz only seeking revenge on hiz mega retarded ass. mrow shyeah can't blame Josh if he like never wantz to talk or see me again. I feel so fawking retarded after thiz. I just don't get why she did it. mrow eih then we got in a huge fight last night after her invading my privacy and eavezdropping right over my shoulder and an aim message i had going with Deen. how fawked iz that? she said az long az itz my house i can stand and look at whatever i want. she haz nao right to invade my privacy like that. Itz just az bad az beating me to me at least. So we get in a huge discussion and I want to know why shez using double standardz on me and Brandon and she sayz first off because of my gender how fawked iz that? secondly because she expectz better from me than Brandon. and just all kindz of stupid bull shit. But it really made me mad she called me a whore. I don't care who she tellz to what I did she had to call my father and I'd say she told him I'm a mega whore. I don't care, I really don't. ohhh gawd I feel so fawking sick I know I have the flu or something so if I don't write down everything that happened yesterday dont kill me. I'm just so fawking hot right now and my pantz are like falling off of me. mrow and I just want someone like so fawking bad right now. Eih I felt kinda weird about a lot of thingz lately but I guess maybe I'll try and write about it now or later cause I don't know when I'll b on again I'm on right now cause only me Brandon and Jamie are here. I need to try and hurry up and finish thiz. I've just been so fawking angry since last night. mrow and shyeah what I felt weird about waz I just felt like I had nothing in common with people lately. Oh and I'm mega sick of people trying to say that I do whatever I'm told and I don't have a mind of my own and I'm a follower. If I act like that it'z because I'm being nice and not actually saying what I'm thinking or my real opinion because I dpn't want to piss anyone off. Right now tho you're not going to get it out of me so don't expect it. I'm too sick, cranky and in a terrible crappy mood. But yesh I mean I hate when people make me decide everything too why the fawk should I have to b the one to say what we're doing or what it haz to b? That'z just not very fair to me because I don't want to make anyone do something they DON'T want to have to do. I mean the thingz I like doing are like dancing, hanging out, going out walking, going to the moviez, going out to wherever, going for walkz in the park, candlelight stuff, uhm just different thingz I just never can think of thingz under pressure. Especially if I'm preoccupied by wanting something/someone ;p Eih okayz nuff about thiz I'm about to go cause I feel like bleh and want to lay down would more like to b holding someone right now but eih that iznt happening so the couch it iz

laterZ