The world iz a vampyre
Eih heiy everyone I haven't really written in thiz thing in quite some time. I suppose it'z because I get soooo mega depressed and just really don't feel like writing. I guess that'z the price you pay when you actually live the life of a soap opera. Let'z see first thing I'll get into Melissa got her tongue pierced and I don't have mine so I feel just a bit left out ;/ my mother dear az she iz won't let me have myne done ;/ ah wellz I'm thinking of piercing my upper right lip, if you see these please tell me your commentz on it? Eih shyeah me and Mel have such an off and on relationship if you get what I mean. .. .some timez I wonder if she really carez or not. I know deep down she doez but she doezn't alwayz show it so well. Such az on September the 26th I went out with an old friend of myne from high skewl named Jaime Davis. Thiz waz such a fawking bad idea!!! First off she told me on the phone that she undoubtedly would bring me home and we were just going around driving. Well I get into the car and they tell me that they steal stuff from carz. Like the sony discmanz, stereo equipment etc. My eyez kind of bulge out, coz I'm fawking shocked, I mean who wouldn't b? So then we go driving around Lexington, first place we go iz the court house. Because guess what her dumbass boiyfriend had to see a judge for being a cocaine dealer. But he'z been told by an attorney, lawyer whatever, tell them that all you do iz do coc, so all you have to do iz go to drug rehab and shit. I'm like wtf????? Next, they steal a sony discman, cd'z, and some womahn'z purse, right az we're in the parking garage of Lexington, Kentucky'z courthouse. Then eih we go all around looking for other placez to steal it I wazn't for thiz at all. I wish and should have just gotten out of the car and left but guess what?? I'm stupid!! So we ended up selling some other cocaine dealer that stuff first off. Then we go and steal another discman and then a car stereo and speakers. They also took some realtors briefcase which had nothing in it, her date book which had like four dollarz in it. Uhm I think thatz about it? Kept one of the womenz id'z so if Jaime goez to a bar she haz that to use lmfao how fawked iz that?? kk then we drive around they're looking for money basically for whatever and so then we go to some dudez house and like first off he getz in the car getz no where near me. I say hi then Jaime sayz hi he sayz nothing to us. Getz out of the car for a while, comez bak and getz in the bak with me and getz az close to me az he can. So I give him a don't you dare fawking touch me look. Thank gawd nothing happened. Uhm then Jaime refused to take and let me go home. So I ended up at her house in Breathitt county. Jaime told me we had to get to Ashland to get there, it'z like two hourz from where I live. My grandparentz live in Ashland and so I look at her like are you fawking crazy? And say uhm nao we don't go through Ashland to get there, cause I've been to Ashland a billion timez I know you don't go that way to get to Jackson, Kentucky. So like I end up there at their run down shack of a manor in the projectz of Breathitt county. And first off I kinda have to argue with her to get to call my mom just to tell her that heiy I'm okay and I'm going to stay here for the night. So I call my mom she'z like angry that I'm there because she doezn't like the way Jaime doez thiz shit. So I'm like yeah mom I know I WANT to b at home NOT here so I'm a bit upset myself, but they would not take me home. And so I make sure they're going to take me home in the morning and so I say if they won't can you come and get me? Which pissez Jaime off. But how the fawk am I supposed to trust her after the shit that had already happened? So I get off the phone with my mom her grrreat sister Margie callz. She'z mega drunk and wantz Jaime to come over there. So we all jump into the car and race over there. ohhhhh mahn can't believe the way people are up there. That place iz like mega hickville,usa. So like we get to her "supposed" family'z house since she waz "supposedly" adopted. Something I'd NEVER known about until a few monthz bak. When not around her "supposed" grrrreat family who never once looked for her or called her or picked up a phone or anything she'd call me her sister. Anyayz, I swear to God that family waz worse than the Beverly Hillbilly Clampettz. I mean my gawd we get up there, I'm like night blind so I couldn't find the way to get up the porch so I'm kind of just straggling around with a cigarette in my hand. Like trying to find a way to get up there and so they're all just kind of sitting there making fun of me for the way I am. First her mom comez out there and tellz her "Brenda" cause "Brenda'z" what they call her it'z "supposedly" her real name. Anyayz, shyeah "Brenda you need to keep thiz mahn do whatever he sayz don't worry about your happiness he'z a deadbeat, a cocaine dealer but hell he'll treat ya right baby keep him forever." lmfao my gawd!!!! Then her sisterz sitting up there drunk az fawking hell, her mom doezn't even care, her boiyfriendz like dead drunk and asleep. So I get sooooo pissed off cause they're all sitting there making fun of me for being blind something I can't one bit help, when here they are the fawking redneckz!!!! Am I the only one thiz seemz a bit weird too? Eih I guess being stupid country redneckz they're uneducated. But that stupid??? geez they give living organismz a bad name!!! And so then I just turn my bak to all these punkz giving them drop dead lookz and like walk over and stare out at the road. Jaimez telling me Heather come here you're going to get the copz called on you!! Grrrreat call them maybe they'll take me home? Wtf can they do to me? I've done nothing wrong? All I'd had that far waz nicotine? So it startz raining, I stand out there in the pouring rain for probably about ten minutez wondering where the fawk am I? Blankly stare out at the road, thinking someone shoot me? So then I find my way bak to the car open up the door to where I'd been sitting get in and take a sip of my diet coke. LoL ohhhh mahn I forgot I wouldn't eat all day so Jaime'z boiyfriend whoz like Chinese sitz there telling me "I'm Asian I know all thiz shit you don't and drinking diet coke will make you fat" LMFAO kk Go look at the label whatz it made with? Nutrasweet!! He waz sitting there saying everything iz a sugar Daff told me that aspartame iz a sugar. But eih if it weren't zero caloriez like the nutrition label sayz do you really think that the FDA would allow them to stick that label on there? I think not!! So I look at him and say shut up I'm going to do what I want. And he getz all pissed off so I say take no notice of it I'm just a bitch who'z not going to listen. So I had to hear thiz shit of nao hez not mad at you he just wantz to listen to what hez saying he knowz sooo much. Riiiiight. So anyayz I act like I'm listening none of it goez into my head because I'm going to believe WHAT I WANT to, not what some dumbass triez to tell me. It'z my body and I'm allowed to do whatever I want with it. Ohhhh mahn Jaime went crazy cause I have my lip pierced and my hair dyed. Anyayz bak to what I waz saying about being at the retarded hillbillyz place. . . .hmmm so like prolly fifteen or twenty minutez later Jaime comez out and getz in the car, her boiyfriend openz the bak door opposite to where I'm sitting and like first Jaime askz me were you laughing out here, I give her a look like fawk off and say no. So then like Jaimez "supposed" sister Margie getz in the car beside me and then shez not sure if shez going to go cause her dumbass boiyfriend might not have went. So then they both get in the car. First she askz me if I'm stoned. . .I'm like uhm nao??? She'z like ohhh well you seem it. So like shez drinking something not sure what just know itz alcohol and I'm so fawking pissed off I want something like that. So we started talking and shit and I ask her what are you drinking and she'z like mmhm. So I ask again what are you drinking? She sayz vodka and askz me want a drink? I'm like fawk yeah!! So I take like a huge drink of it and hand it bak to her. A few minutez later ask for another and take the same amount. Jaimez boiyfriendz like ohhhh grrreat all we need iz her drunk. Cause see he knew I could do anything because I'm one nasty little bitch when I want to b and am drove to being that person you just don't want to bring out if you can help it. And so we get bak to their run down shack. We all get out of the car I'm kind of swaying, walk into the house and go into the one bedroom with a mattress on the floor they had. We were going to watch a movie Children of the KoRn. So like we put that in I'm so fawking drunk I can't even decipher what the fawk we're doing. like a while later Margiez boiyfriendz like can we light a joint up in here like yes please fawking do. So Jaimez boiyfriendz like I really don't care but I'm not going to do it and supposedly Jaime also had a pacemaker in her chest riiiiight Ever seen a twenty year old with a pace maker??? Not I. Anyayz, so hez like you can do it but I dont reccomend it to Jaime. So we all start passing it around besidez Jaimez bf cause he said no way am I doing it. I have nao fawking clue what waz in it they called it "bluegrass" But it went straight to my head and fawked me up really bad. So first of all I start laughing and I'm mega crazy they're all sitting there laughing at me I'm so out of it I don't even care. Then like everyone startz ganging up on me calling me a sad little depressed girl eih do they think I like feeling the way I feel? Because I surely don't and I don't say heiy let'z make me feel like thiz heiy letz make me feel like dying heiy letz make me feel lonely heiy letz make me feel empty. Ya know? So I finally just get fed up with it and like I wanted to be alone, so I say that and they're like we've got a bathroom, so I get up because I honestly have to go pee. And her boiyfriendz like we really didnt mean to go there. I'm like I'm going to pee you dumbassez and so I leave the room. Jaime getz all pissed because I supposedly called her boiyfriend the dumbass? lmfao riiiiight. Anyayz Im peeing Jaime and her sister come right in there while I have my pantz down and watch me pee and bitch at me. Do I have that grrrreat looking of a pussy? mrow And then like so I get pissed off and just put myself in the middle of the bathroom floor take my face in my handz about to cry and just stay there. Jaime triez to come in there and talk to me I ignore her cause I'm upset and that just pissez her off more. So she goez in there talking about me and then she and her sister bring in a porn mag and dildo a few minutez later like I'm going to use it??? Please!! First off my fingerz werk just fine, secondly I don't look THAT bad. Compared to those people I waz drop dead gorgeous. Anyayz shyeah so I stay in there and they're all out there talking about me az if I'm not existing and like not around and can't hear them. There waz no point in trying to talk to them shrugZ. hmm shyeah so then I hear her boiyfriend b like letz just call her mom I started to freak out cause I didnt want her to see me like that. So I waited a while I'd already started sobering when I walked bak in there. So I like sit down on the bed and they all decide to go get food there waz nao fawking way I waz driving with anyone the way they were. So I don't get off the bed so her sister and sisterz boiyfriend stay there. Her sisterz boiyfriend doeznt like Jaimez boiyfriend but iznt going to say a word about it but iz sitting there going off about it to hiz girlfriend. So I walk out there and say yesh I didnt want to b here I want to leave and some other shit. They just stood there ignoring me so I walked bak in and sat down on the bed. Waited like fifteen minutez and then heard the car pull bak in. Jaime and her boiyfriend get out theyre all in the other room so I go in there to see whatz goin on theyre all sitting around eating. I didnt eat one thing shrugZ but her boiyfriend gave me like half of some type of fruit drink he had. So then they kept sitting there making fun of me they had the whole nite because A. I wouldn't eat. B. I couldn't see in the dark C. Because I waz better off then they were and totally more of a good person than they are and D. for being soooo damned depressed and empty. All thingz I really couldn't help? I also had heard Jaimez boiyfriend tell them not to try and go in and talk to me when I waz in the bathroom because I waz like a hellcat and wouldn't care who they were would just scratch their eyez out anyayz. So they kept going on and on about my faultz. Never once went to look at theirz and every time I'd say something back to their degradation of me they just couldn't take it. They would all seriously start going off on me then. And I jsut couldn't take any more of it. So I walk over to the phone and ask for their address so I can go home. Her boiyfriendz Jaimez that iz iz like get on the phone call and then we'll tell them to meet us up at some gas station. I waz like nao fawk that that z just like Richie Jaimez ex. Which it waz a while bak he'd made me do the same call my mom tell her to come get me yet go to some little store not the actual address. Because they didn't want us to know where they lived so the police couldnt get to them. So I sit bak down and Jaime startz going off on me for that and so doez everyone else. So Im like fawk thiz again get up and try and call Brandon the linez busy. So then Jaimez like damned bitch iz using my phone and running up the phonebill. So I sit bak down screaming and crying I want to go home. Because I'd had Jaimez boiyfriend say we're all really afraid you're going to kill us all and then waz like oopz did I say that outloud? They're just damned lucky I'm not quite that psycho. Because I had every reason to do it. Then again none of them were one bit worth it. So I tell Jaime the linez busy and not to worry about her precious phone bill. And sit there crying and they can't take it any more so her boiyfriend getz up and like askz for my phone number and so Jaime tellz him it. He callz and I tell him to ask for Teresa my momz name and so he callz and askz and tellz her whatz going on wellz not the real story trying to say that I waz crazy on drugz and going off on them. So I look at him mega hellishly and say give me the phone GIVE ME THE PHONE. And he knew damned well better than to miss with a punk ass bitch like me and givez me the phone and so I say whatz he telling you? Shez like I dont know have you done anything? So I tell her no and tell her to please come get me and start asking for the address none of the dumbassez knew. Luckily her landlord had just come to the door from all the noise and theyre trying to get rid of her and so I fling the door open and ask her for the address tell my mom it and she tellz me shez on her way. They soon all go to bed and just pass out. So I sit in there by the door waiting and praying for my mom to get there soon cause I wanted out of there more than anything in my life. And like so I'm sitting by the door on thiz chair and I'm trying to get rid of the alcohol in me cause I could still taste it and thought it waz on my breath and didnt want her to know. So I keep drinking that nasty fruit juice and feeling sick and going into the bathroom gagging up something. A little while later I start shaking my whole body iz just completely numb. And so then I try to get out of the house to go wait out on the porch but they had nailed the windowz and door shut. So I tried not knowing it waz nailed shut to get it open couldnt so Jaime comez in there over all the noise asking if I'd been in here trash I said hell nao I want out to go wait outside for my mom and to get some fresh air. She wont open the door for me So I'm stuck in there. She goez bak to bed I keep watching the clock and keep moving from the chair to the floor to walking around trying to find a way out of there. So it had been almost two hourz the amount of time for my mom to get up there and so like I keep trying to find a way out. I keep thinking she waz there and just didnt know to come up to the door so I flipped the light off and on. Her landlord comez bak up but can't get through the door cause it'z like nailed shut. So finally my mom comez up with a police officer and he tellz me to go wake one of them up and so I do and Jaimez boiyfriend getz up and comez in there and openz the door can't remember what the officer said to him her boiyfriend said something Chinese left with my mom we got into the police car drove bak to her van got in and started driving towardz home. We had to stop somewhere and luckily found some dude who let her use hiz cellphone to call her husband to call into werk for her. We didn't get home til like seven something that morning bleh. I waz like dead but couldn't sleep. I waz weird for like about four dayz so I'm pretty sure there waz cocaine in that joint. Bleh. Hmm actually wrote my first check like two dayz later lol. Bought like thiz mega awesome flared sleeved shirt at Gadzookz in the Fayette mall. Sherry took me and Amber down there since Becky wouldn't go with us, she waz waiting for some little dong to call her and didnt want to hurt hiz feelingz even tho she didnt like him. My gawd what a dork. You're going to get your feelingz hurt sometime and your heart broken too people might az well fawking realize it ya know? mrow got my second check like on the first. Uhm letz see other thingz that have happened I've gotten to talk to Melissa again ohhhh yeah the thing about Mel I waz mad at her cause that Friday the day after the bull shit with Jaime happened like I tried to talk to her while she had her AiM up on her cell and she wouldn't answer me. So the next day when she answered my im I kinda went off on her I guess I feel kind of badly for that. But I'm so sick of hearing how bad her life iz when it can never compare to myne. Eih nextly shyeah shez already after someone besidez Ryan now an old crush. I know she lovez me and I love her to death, it'z just thingz have changed sooooo fawking much since they way we used to b and I'm so sick of her sitting there calling me weird and crazy to other people.Fawk yesh maybe I am those thingz but I WANT to b the one to tell people it. Not have other people say it. Eih I guess it'z just our territory I remember people thinking shit like thiz about Tascha too and Taschaz one of the most fawking awesomest people I've ever met in my entire life. I love Tascha to death. I love Jill to death too. And Joy and Julie and Christina and gawd knowz who else lol Soooooo many of ya that I've known for quite some time now. Eih let'z see what else what else eih I'm a bit sick of the people I live with, I have a pool table in the middle of my room, EVERYTHING haz been rearranged can't find stuff, thingz have been taken off my wallz and stuffz falling down my stuffed animalz I prolly have like a hundred are all tossed on my bed. I just feel like I really don't matter. I guess I get kind of pissed off at the way I just am treated by everything but eih I suppose thatz my life for me fawk it all to hell! Hmm other thingz, I've gotten a lot closer to Julie lately. She let me read some of her awesome storiez she haz up on fanfiction.net under Puce. She let me go look at Jeffz too the person who I thought liked me quite a bit my gawd she told me he'z a good writer he fawking sux!!! I've seen soooooo much better stuf. Ugh everyone talking about writing and stuff like that really makez me miss Will, he'z the ONLY person I've EVER known to know how to write like I do. I guess I could say that iz because I taught him a bit of my talent ;p So it'z kind of like looking at my own werk. Sighz I miss that a lot I miss the thingz he'd write about me they were probably the most awesomest thingz I'd ever seen. But thatz no more and by the way if anyone actually readz the thing I wrote before thiz you will NEVER get to know who I wrote that about so keep guessing ;p Let'z see other thingz that have been going on Devin invited me to hiz Halloween party thatz like the day after Halloween. lmfao I'd love to go I just have thiz feeling that he'z like hot because he'z sooooo fawking nice to me and I don't get that a whole lot with guyz. Hmm I've also started talking to thiz guy named Josh who I have like soooo fawking much in common with that itz just uncanny. He'z like twenty two, ya know it seemz like every guy I get along with izh like older than me weird eih? hmmm he'z pretty sweet for a guy and ack he haz like green eyez mega thing I can't resist needz to hide from those thingz seriously mrow Eih he seemz like pretty kewl but I'm sure that none of the thingz I'm thinking about any one person I know will last because they never do and thingz never turn out to b the way I expect them to. I'm supposed to go meet him today, gawd am I nervous about thiz lol I wish I had Mel or Tascha or Jill or Joy or Julie to talk about thiz to mrow. Where iz everyone when I need them? Gone but of course shrugZ hmmm I finally got the whole cd of Transister downloaded pretty happy about that. Eih forgot to mention something about Jeff and Julie, Jeff iz like Juliez RP hubby, and like he came in to the chat we all go to one nite on a different nick than he usez when around Julie so I didn't think it waz him so he givez me hiz msn address and we talk on there like very intimately. Like then the next day I see him on there with Julie I came in and he sayz hi to me and I'm like kk hiya. Then I ask him since the person I met az Jeff waz on msn and asked him if that waz the same person az him and if he went by Grey_Mystical_Sage. He tellz me nao, well whenJulie gave me the nick of hiz to look up hiz writingz I found out that he and the guy I'd been talking to on msn were the same and he'd lied to me. So Julie tellz me hez in the chat I go in there we were going to make it funny but I'd started my new bc pillz which make me sick but eih and kinda went off on him. Julie askz him something about it and he sayz it waznt him it waz hiz cousin doing it. Riiiiiiiiiiiight! ugh guyz why do I bother with them or any other person for that matter in that degree? sighZ Uhm I guess that'z about it that I'm going to write about right now cause I can't remember anything else

laterZ

Deserted

Why do you want to see me smile? I've fakely smiled until my mouth iz ready to fall down my throat Just to meet the vile That you call sadistically sterile Why do you want to see my face? My face will make no difference I'd b better off seen with a bag over my face So you couldn't see through it See that I'm still in love with him I let the wordz that form with no meaning Slip from my tainted lipz They're just there no need for undestanding Like you would understad just because you'd insisting it How could you When I can't even do it I try to turn the wordz to logic But all I get iz cunfused Every time I think about it I want you But what doez what I want have to do with it Or anything about me and you?

I can't let go Of hiz ghost It'z floating around me Whispering my name so hauntingly I loved you for over a year and a half Got me no where except back To my box of broken dreamz And all you want iz for yourself so it seemz because we no longer exist And you're still living You're just no longer caring What I do Where I go Whom I see How I dress It never waz about me When with you I waz obsessed Still own you in the back of my head But the option of having you iz dead Iz that why I force myself to search For something inside of me you deserted

Let'z face it you want to meet me I can already tell you I'm ugly Why do I bother with men They don't open their earz to listen I guess I just need to kiss it Or iz it the thought of feeling it? I know I don't need it Fawk no I just fawking want it Doez thiz Make me into your slut? I'm sick of it I still love you And you don't know it Never will know it And hearing other depressing relationship historiez Makez me miss you so fawking sickly

Chorus

I'm falling back into the realm of insanity I must be With your name planted on my moist mouth I don't want to talk about it I want to harbor it Deeply inside Because I want to hide it Because I don't want to have to admit it That I still feel you That I still remember you That I can't forget you That I'm still stuck on you No one knowz it but me And your blatant gaze will never see Hypnotized me The first night we met When you offered your company When I waz lying on the floor so frigidly About to strike out at anything You came near me calmly with your handz out reached And gave me your soul az sanctuary

Chorus

You no longer know me Not like you did once upon a time You've totally forgotten me But I'm still interlocked in the magic of the dark skiez That once swept to reach out to you and me Thought without you I'd die At least that'z what you told me Inside of my mind Inside of my every interchangeable part And here I am still reminiscing with you in my heart Am I really going to die Since I wazn't good enough for you to keep beside You forever Because deep down inside I wanted to die To end feeling empty But you never understood Now did you Even thought you said you felt it too YOU FAWKING LIED I KNOW YOU FAWKING LIED You only said you loved me maliciously You were only fawking using me Because you were lonely Because I could give you something good for living When no one else would put out And when you started falling you had to run or drown But you know what? I never stopped falling or drowning Into you Maybe that'z why I still stupidly love you

Resolute

Look at me Come on bitch Fawking look at me I'm sick of you bitch Complaing to me That'z all it ever iz Whining to me About how bad your life iz Ever tasted poisoned leavez? Ever opened up your heart only to scratch off fleaz? You have just reason to trust in everything To believe in everyone Have you ever tasted angel dust Don't look at me with closed eyez Because I lie Awake night after night Dreaming of you Dreaming of touching you And ending up with a handful of fawk you

They all want to say hi little miss hell cat You don't know me So don't open your mouth to say that Unless you can back it up with more than a day of my company Do you know how long I've waited To turn into you Do you know how long I've debated? With myself to take you Away from everything you know You deserve it Come under me I want to show you one level Of what it feelz to b like me Because I never duplicated into you I've never known how it feelz to b like you So perfectly delicate So ambivalently resolute

We've reached our peak Of communication Your lipz have reached a new placement Of identification That restz too high in that perfectly round chestnut head of yourz Take me by the hand But your not touching me My subhuman nature was the part you couldn't stand You never cared about me Disclosure is a state you over ran And you teased me with your tongue numbly You tried to lick me sweetly But you were only tricking me With your caressing thumbz You never said you loved me with meaning You never spoke softly to me once

Chorus

Death to you iz just the syndicate of a game You never took anything seriously Never once let yourself take the blame Of me predicting thingz so nervously And you made me Into the perfect compilation You see me Az today And all I want you to feel Iz the same thing you pressed into me Sunset after evening You're such a great catch Now aren't you darling Body like a tramp Huge boobz and small lipz Mouth so moist and damp All the better for molesting you with You never believed in it And you look at me with such interest Sad thing iz baby I'm already taken

Chorus

Rubiez and diamondz glued me to your floor You threw them there to keep me Keep me az your paramour Strange sad little girl You never once looked past the store Store bought appeal That gave you the inhibition to pose az a steal But you were never good for anything Do you think you ever really satisfied My hunger my longing? Please don't make me start laughing You never did anything but downsize Every single feeling That started to unravel Inside of my mind You said keep them to youself Every fucking time My talent wanted to come exposed You threw it into the sea The sea that waz closing Never to expand And you threw me into the ocean You threw my heart into the deep end Never pulling bak no bending over To catch me when I needed your limbz to extend To keep me from drowning You pushed me under You pushed me in You laughed at her You sick little pumpkin Jackolantern faced bitch

sickness blowz munkie dongz
heiy everybody sorry I haven't been around too much lately I've been mega sick ;/ I've barely gotten out of bed the last like three or four dayz BLUHCKY!!!! I have nao idea what I have but eih itz bitten great huge munkie dongz lemme tell ya!! Eih shyeah I know the last time I wrote anything waz like Thursday the day I went to the urinologist and indeed did have to get undressed half way in front of some scary arrogant asshole doctor who did a pelvic examination on me bleh. Eih he wazn't zactly sure what I had it either iz a bladder infection which he gave me macrobid for which I've been taking the last few dayz. Or he felt cistz on both of my ovariez and they might b adding pressure on to my bladder. So thiz Tuesday I have to go see Gina Land wellz not her but her PA Angie who iz my latest gynocologist and have another pelvic examination to see what'z going on. Possibly may have to b operated on to hav ethe cistz removed yuk yuk yuk. Uhm let'z see Thursday my bakpayment check for like five thousand nine hundred and something dollarz came LoL uhm thirteen hundred and something went to pay Randy Dinsmore the dude who like appealed my case and helped me get my SSI by like writing two letterz iz that fawked up or what? You get paid seven hundred and somethin dollarz for writing a letter? Gawd the world iz a crazy place!! Uhm hmm. . . Thursday nite at around three in the morning Brandon came over drunk az hell trying to put hiz iguana bak into itz cage and leave it. He got mega crazy to hiz pregnant girlfriend Jamie and like even schmacked her hit her something she fell to the ground he thinkz itz great he can fawking bully a womahn around so gawd damned sick!!! I waz like hell nao after that I didn't say or do anything for a while but when he did that there waz nao way in hell I waz going to let him hurt her especially with her pregnant so I waz going to go after him and i showed him zactly what I meant so he stopped hiz bull shit with her. By then from him banging and breaking stuff downstairz he broke the railing of the stairway leading down to my and hiz roomz in the basement but everyone waz awake. My mom, me and Jamie had a huge talk with him but we all know Brandonz never going to grow up and iz more than likely going to go bak to jail. He sitz there and blamez me my mom my father prolly everyone but himself for hiz problemz and now I understand what people have gone through with me lately. I also realized death iz not the answer to anything either Gawd I got sooooo much out of just that one nite that it'z scary. Eih talking to Melissa right now heh Hmm talked to Cassie she'z prolly going to kill her character Cass Cassiez kewl she livez in Kansas. Hmm talked to Kreig for a bit too I really haven't talked to hardly anyone since I've been soooooooo sick I've missed people a lot ;/ Uhm letz see what else waz I going to write about? Can't remember but I'll think of it. Ohhhh yah I got thiz awesome material and patternz yesterday that my momz going to make me thiz awesome outfit from at Wal-Mart ;p The patternz are for a funky skirt and thiz puffy sleeved shirt. I really love the pattern. The material iz the shirt iz thiz really soft pretty leopard print material. The skirt material iz like thiz really soft beige like material. It'z going to b soooo pretty heh I'm happy bout it cheaper than buying an actual outfit too. Eih going to pay her bak for it of course. I don't mind one bit tho. I have to get rid of like at least two thousand dollarz by October lol. Eih discovered two songz in the car that I'd totally forgotten existed where they're from the eightiez and the early ninetiez. Can't remember which one I heard first but they are Madonna "You're An Angel" and the Spin Doctorz not really sure what it'z called but it sayz if you want to call me baby in it. Pretty nifty to me being the musical freek I am ;p. Hmmmm I guess that'z it for now

laterZ

salt and water
Anyone ever bought like a huge gallon thingy of Hawaiian Punch? My mom bought thiz thing of it at Meijerz my gawd it tasted like pure salt water. Mega nasty!! Never drinking that stuff again. You know I am so fawking sick of having dumbass Bush cut into Passionz and Dayz Of Our Livez with bull shit on last yearz September 11th. It'z done it'z over with MOVE ON!!! gawd America spendz too much time just on the most hugest thingz. I mean I know it waz bad don't get me wrong look at all the people who died all the destruction, etc. But we all did our part to help and took time out to hear about it last year and itz over. So why do we still talk about it? sighZ eih I traveled four dayz after September eleventh last year to Delaware to b with Mel. Heiy I figured, if I'm going to die why not do it happily with the person I want to b with? Ya dig? mrow. Let'z see thingz that have been going on, I've discovered I don't have mono. But did in fact give myself a sinus infection bleh. Hmm ya know sometimez I wonder why I bother with men it seemz the only thing they are after iz sex. And sex iz great and all, I have my past sex experiencez and storiez keepz her mouth shut. But I can live without it for more than two dayz ya know? Eih sighZ again. Hmmm I talked to Melissa yesterday, found out the orange homo iz mega sick with some kitty virus and so iz one of the kittenz. I feel really bad for them ;/ Mel told me she waz prolly going to get the net bak next month and wanted me to tell everyone. Who am I supposed to tell? LoL most of the people we used to talk to I have nao contact with. The only people I really stay in touch with she knowz are Jill and Joykinz. Hmmm I had Drew fall asleep on me today it waz mega cute heh He'z an awesome baby and sooooo easy to take care of. He'z a mega sweety. I'm going to teach him to grow up and not b a mega pervert who only wantz sex like all the men I know LoL. eih wellz I gotta go get ready soon to go see the urinologist doctor about my icky probz blah I hope I don't have to get undressed in front of some old mahn lmfao

laterZ

Consent

Walked out to show you a new side A change you've never seen before And you thought that I'd never subside To listen to you and your Opinionz that want to slip down my throat all the way inside What were we fighting for? I guess to see lightning strike You wanted to kiss her And I felt you lick and then gently bite Did you taste her All the way down skin bare white Did you chase her All the way down to the devilz delight?

You use your tongue with ease to french Lathered up and drench Her in sweat and spit Flavorz good now izn't it Diminish it You enfringed on it You wanted it Come on just admit it You pressed it So damned tight The issue wouldn't let it Burn into ashez incapable of sight Had to push her to your will Had to push her to b submissive And can I help it That my temper tantrum mode Just won't permit it? I still stupidly want you don't you know But I can't let you know that I'd love you given your consent

Doez thiz constitution turn me more delicate? Doez thiz condition make me more feminine? Are you wondering? Cause I'm not I don't want to sit around pondering Why I thought I could go on telling you What you want to hear Just to have your lipz touch mine Why my mouth sayz the wordz you never once did hear Before thiz present time I'm being serious So don't take me az joking You're looking at me az if I'd became delirious Just with one subtle evoking

Chorus

Why do I feel so strange Knowing thiz information Why do I feel so plain When I'm the pen'z foundation Why do I feel so difficult When I owe you no explanation And my sudden switch of molten tumult You just don't understand the fiery combination Of cinnamon and ice Represented to swirl together despite Twice the honey half az nice And you think Telling me that you care But only showing It when you feel like you really care Makez everything that'z been bugging Little myss suicide without a cause az you see her All the way better

Chorus

And I shove the strangling handz of emotional sand Bak down into the crevasse Trying my best to forget it Hard so incredibly hard To not let my tongue slip out of itz surface It wantz to touch your skin on every part Taste every level But my mind givez bak to my handz the shovel To push it all bak down into the epidermis Of the root Of the flower It waz trying to seep out of And you look at her With two extremely blue china eyez Or perhapz it'z brown, green, or golden amber That unnervez her just enough to uneasily smile At your suggestion only said in anger To decease upon the idea of decaying into Being her lover And you know you want her You're just too proud to admit to her Admit to yourself That she'z the greatest assessment That you've ever met But you don't even know her So how exactly can you know and see that in her You love her That you could want her Worship her Until the endz of time'z deception You can't and she takez thiz all into the poisoned acceptance Your mouth providez Still loving you with every drop of her that you invite

Overview

All right then, you've read all of my fawked up writingz, and after that some of my very talented friendz writingz. But to b honest I've kept most/everyone in the dark about my true feelingz, I suppose I have because I'm a bit afraid to face them myself. Then again right now, I'm a bit vulnerable and not really mega into trusting ANYONE. I mean hell with my past pleather of relationship oppurtuinites can ya blame me? If, you have nao idea what the hell I'm talking about you'll get clued in soon enough all right? LoL Kayz here goez, I haven't felt like writing about thiz wellz of course I wrote a song or two about it, but then again that'z natural. I guess it'z natural that I've talked about it too most of you all know about it, least I hope that'z the case. On August second I did the most stupidest and craziest thing I've ever done in my life. What waz it you ask? I had been talking to thiz guy on AoHeLL for a day, then we moved to speaking on the phone and he seemed all right, I waz a bit skeptical about it I had my doubtz definitely. I didn't really want to meet him, but I felt if I didn't we'd have hurt feelingz between each other and then I had thiz thing of wanting to satisfy anyone I could. Of course lol I know all of you know thatz over with the way I've been distancing myself the bitchy way I treat most men/people any longer and just my attitude in general haz changed from sweet to bitter. So anyayz, I met thiz guy named Ben and so I gave him my address and said sure come pick me up because we were going to go hang out and do NOTHING more except maybe smoke some weed or get drunk so im like kk soundz kewl. So first I accidentally gave him the wrong directionz to my house I gave him the wrong direction of latitude or longitude whatever it iz lol and said north instead of south to Richmond from Lexington. Being az I give awful directionz he finally made it here he told me there waz nao way in hell he waz getting out of hiz car to come to the door to get me, but guess what of course he lied. He in fact did get out of hiz car, and come ring the doorbell. We had thiz kind of stupid bet the night before we met I can't remember what I lost at answering but there waz some question I couldn't answer and so he said I had to b hiz slave and so I waz like "whatever". Because if you know me, am I any mahnz slave, take that any person'z? HELL NAO!!! So I knew it waz stupid, and I should have figured out then not to go through with it but I waznt thinking not one little bit. Anyayz, he had thiz thing of saying I'd have to suck hiz dick in the car driving down there, but then he said he waz joking and that there waz nao way he'd make me do that at all. Guess what? He lied again!!! He forced me to suck hiz dick in the car driving down to hiz apartment otherwise, he would have thrown me out of hiz stupid silver Mazda. I waz mega out of it too from taking my fluxotine and waz mega spacing out. So we get to hiz apartment, we go in and we start watching a movie. Then he startz making me suck hiz dick again dragz me bak to a room in hiz apartment, layz me on the bed. Then makez me take my shirt off while pulling at it too, then made me take off my bra while making sure I did that too with force. Then he kept making me suck hiz dick while, grabbing at my ass, and my breastz. Then he pullz down my pantz, doezn't take my pantiez off unbelievable eih? Then pushez me onto all fourz with my face pressed into pillowz, movez my pantiez around and startz raping me from behind. And it wazn't a normal doggy style performance let me tell ya, he went up me anally too. And if you know me at all, which most of you prolly don't know thiz, but heiy Mel do I do anal??? FAWK NAO!!!!! That'z my one DEFINITE nao. Everyone who'z ever done ANYTHING with me knowz it. sighZ. Then he turnz me over onto my bak and startz screwing me vaginally wellz raping of course. Ugh worse experience of my life. I don't know if I'll ever meet another person again, and I consider myself lucky in the past with meeting people over the internet. Iz the worse over yet? Not hardly! Don't I wish though, next after thiz asshole rapez me, he then sayz wanna go somewhere? I knew where I had nao money to give him for gas money he would not take me home. So he sayz where? I'm out of it so I say anywhere, he'z like kay wanna go to my friendz house and get some alcohol? I'm like sure. So we go out and get into hiz car start talking about whatever. I'm still spacing, we get to some house he'd told me before to not mind hiz friendz roommatez coz they were prickz. So I said okay. So he and I get out of the car, proceed to walk up to the door. He knockz on the door, it appearz that nao onez at home. Then he sayz I'll be right back. Turnz to go to hiz car, I thought he waz merely getting something. I turn around and he had disappeared. Then I hear someone calling at me from the garage, I'm so dead out of it I really wazn't paying attention I thought they had been talking to that guy. So I tell him who I am and why I'm there coz he wanted to know. He waz a pretty elderly mahn. He believed I waz there trying to break in, rob him, murder him, etc whatever ya dig? So he askz me there'z otherz of you in my neighborhood aren't there? I'm still spacing out so I really wazn't paying attention. So he askz me again, and I'm like what??? Nao, nao one but me iz in your neighborhood. He had made me go stand at one of their vehiclez and place my handz on the hood like any common criminal. He had called the police to come get me, because az I said he believed I waz there to cause trouble. So I spoke with one of the police operatorz and she called my parentz, who then were on their way to pick me up from the police station. My mother waz sooooo pissed at me when she picked me up. I waz hysterical, the lady who had talked to me on the phone even told my mom someone had just played an awful joke on me. I didn't say anything about getting raped, because first off I waz extremely ashamed of myself for letting it have happened. Secondly, I waz afraid of saying anything I had nao idea what would happen I waz in a mega strange place around people I had nao clue who they were. I already don't trust police az it iz, any type of authority figure scarez the hell out of me. So I didn't tell anyone until Sunday ttwo dayz later and I told my sister Sherry. I really didn't want my mother to know because I've had nearly similar situationz happen and she'z blamed it on me for acting like a slut. Which, I'm sure most of you think I am. You probably think hell she'd jump into bed with anyone she could. But what you don't realize iz that'z not how I am at all. Sure I like to talk and joke about sex jsut az much az the next person. but it'z all meaningless conversation. And nao one deservez to b raped. But I felt like my mother would blame me, which she later on did give me a comment of it more than likely being my fault after hearing a crazy playful conversation. Yes, my mother thinkz of me az a bit of a tramp and maybe I am, who knowz. I nao longer care what I am, nor label myself with wordz. So if you want to label me az a tramp go right ahead I'll just ignore your prejudiced retardedness. Anyayz. bak to my story I waited a week to let my mother know. Then she got really pissed at that guy and wanted to kill him, which made me really wish I had just said it at the very beginning. Monday the twelth of August she took me to a hospital in Fayette county, the county it happened in and got me checked out for diseasez, I supposed I didn't have anything since we haven't heard anything from them ya know? Sighz, so if you wonder why I'm the crazy, fawked up way I am you can have him and every male I've met and been with which iz every one of them to thank. A lot of people felt sorry for me. But one person got very angry at me and the istuation, but she had just reason, and now knowz that I know better to do anything ever again like that. NEVER!!

Hmmm onwardz, I guess we shall go!! I have been going back to the chatz of Boob. Yes Boob the tyrannical, barbaric, diabolical, commanding, fascist asshole!!! The one me and Jilly and Joel and eih maybe Mel if she startz being nice again will kill. Eih, if not me Jilly and Joel will do it!!!! lmfao sorry Jilly had to say it ;p Hmmm shyeah anyayz, I've met quite a few people in there. The first person I met waz Steve *Thief*, at first I waz kind of expecting it to turn out to b Will. LoL My ex boiyfriend who went by the nick Dakides, Thief, Thief of SpadeZ, etc lol. Anyayz, nah the guy turned out to b Steve, he'z a seventeen year old guy who now livez in Louisiana. He haz brown hair, blue eyez, average build not sure how tall he iz, but I'm sure taller than me lol. Anyayz, he really remindz me of Will. The perverted nymphomania, along with the hip-hop, rap loving music style lol although heiy I pulled Will a lot into my music which waz pretty damned awesome ;p Anyayz and shyeah just the way he talkz and actz really remindz me of Will. Maybe I just miss Will a bit too much, which I know I do even though I still do occasionally talk to Will, even after a mega argument we got into over Mel. LoL he said I shocked him with my reaction, which made me feel kinda good that I can still shock and impress him ya know? LoL. Anyayz, again onwardz, lol shyeah Steve waz sweet and playful, so I got a bit sexual with him and I saw Daff, who I used to know ran around with Dani not someone I waz too fond of. That could change now who knowz but shyeah anyayz, and had nao idea she waz in love with Steve and stuff and so she kinda saw and got mega pissed off. LoL I thought it waz because of something Dani had said to her about me, but I waz soooo wrong LoL. I found out like a few dayz later how Daff really felt about Steve. Which made me feel really bad coz I felt like I waz zoning in on her guy!!! And I thought Daff waz a kewl person and I wouldn't wanna do that to anyone anyayz, specially when I don't know them ya know? Anyayz, Daff kinda got the picture that I waz more just playing around with Steve when on a Friday nite can't remember the zact date I talked to Mel and all she would do waz talk about Ryan. She told me how he used her for sex, and some other bull shit which I could tell wazn't true and we talked and he said that he really cared for Mel anyayz bleh. She haz nao fawking clue what it feelz like to b used for PURE JUST SEX!!! So blah to that. Anyayz onwardz, it mega hurt me that Mel waz being like that and that our relationship that had lasted over a year waz done with. So I went downstairz took a little butterfly like carving knife and first cut up my left arm. The whole time I waz trying to carve the word "whore" out on some part of my body. But didn't get that until I did my right leg. But my left leg also got a bit cut up. Anyayz, sighz I did my best to get over that. Which, I'm pretty sure myne and Melz relationship iz basically gone. I mean she actz sooo fawking just bleh to me any more and iz totally not caring at all about me so fawk that eih? Hmmm eih I guess I'll talk about the other kewl people I've met while being on bolt, even though a lot of them I know I have hurt. And I promise you I haven't purposefully meant to hurt any of you, because I seriously do care about you all deeply. I just really suck any more with showing and casting my emotionz and showing that I love someone. To b quite honest I'm afraid to trust and love anyone any more. I suppose I have a brand new fear of intimacy go me!!! Hmmm anyayz, I met Stephen *DarkSeraph* he'z cute too even though he wantz to say he'z not ;p to you. Anyayz, shyeah he remindz me a lot of Jeremy the guy mrow wellz I would say Mel had some part in it but it waz honestly mainly me who came up with it all LoL. So eih shyeah he became "Mister Nutsack" and "Dr Jank it" Dr of Latin ass reduction for Jho lmfao. And nah that part really doezn't remind me of him coz Stephen'z not pretending to b Latin and telling me that Latin women are soooo much sexier than American women lmfao. That'z kinda where the whole latin dr thing came from. And the "Mister Nutsack" the first picture he gave me I dled it on an instant mesage of some AiM name of myne and my mom walked by and I tried to hide it coz she waz mega nosy about what I did online bak then. So she saw it and asked iz that a mahnz testiclez when it waz hiz face lmfao!! So me and Mel kinda came up with that. Gawd thiz iz making me miss Mel. I miss doing story time lmfao. Anyayz shyeah, Stephen livez in Cali like a million milez from me lol. And I infuriate him every day, because I'm such a depressive little bitch me sowwy ;/ and shyeah I say that he doezn't care when he really doez and I know you care just prolly wantz to get your attention and iz not doing it in the right way. So me sowwy again ;/ shyeah ya know I love ya anyayz mrow. Shyeah he'z heard me moan mrow LoL. Eih you really don't mind letting people hear you moan after you've been asked to do a phonesex line ya know? LoL So shyeah anyayz he thinkz I sound kinky doing that lmfao. And hmm shyeah he'z a really sweet person, although I can make him want to go into the bitchy Heather mode. Mrow me sowwy ;/ I'm awful I know!!! sighZ Hmm guess I'll talk more about Daffney now or really Alisha heh but Ali or Daff to mah Daff heh. Anyayz, Daff goz by *Whiteb|aze*. I love the way she can do her |'z she taught me how to do it heh. Love ya Daff you're awesome ;p And verrrrrry sexy too lol. Shyeah Daff livez in Oklahoma. She lovez anime specially 3X3 Eyez and X. Heh yes I remember Daff ;p She also adorez musicalz, and her fav iz "Phantom of the Opera". Which I must agree doez mega rule!!! But Daff iz mega sweet and totally awesome and shez bi LoL Altho don't get your hopez up you can gurantee thiz great sassy, spunky, brazen, gorgeous lady haz relationshipz. And Daff could have anyone she wanted eating out of the palm of her hand. And don't you try and argue missy!!! lmfao hmm kk next I'll talk about Justin *King_Shinkaren, Shinkaren, Stryker,etc* LoL Yes Justin you have wayyyyy too many characterz for me to prolly ever remember so shhh ;p heh. Anyayz Justin iz a mega sexy person lol even though he'z all taller than me too damned men LOL You know I love ya though Justinz!!! mrow prolly not coz I'm pretty bitchy to you too and I'm mega sorry about it. I suppose I just want attention from you too at all timez and do it incredibly awkwardly and stupidly. But never fear, I know you DO care and alwayz will you just get a bit ambivalent by the way I act and I completely understand. Ya know I'll alwayz love ya too so ;p Justin livez in Columbia, South Carolina. I'm pretty sure that'z where Joy livez if I'm not mistaken??? Hmm anyayz shyeah he haz a sexy voice LOL heiy if you can say it about me I can say it too neener neener neener LoL Yes I'm a dong ;p Justinz a mega rp playing person wellz I know he lovez Final Fantasy, Dragoon, etc stuff like that. mrow uhm he haz kitty katz LoL Oscar and Myer ;p mrow shyeah yes I remember too much I'm the bolt geek LMFAO come challenge me!!!! nahhh Justin, Steve, Kreig, Travis and gawd knowz who else would kick my ass in that LoL Shyeah hmmm anything else I wanna add about Justin? mrow hez defended me many timez and like even flooded the room just because of me. Mrow Justin haz to b prolly the most sweetest guy I've met in a loooong time LoL shyeah so take that!! Mrow hmm then therez mah Skywee I wove Skywee to death she livez In Pennslyvania her real namez Keri but shyeah she goz by *Skylee and Kalista that hedder knowz of ;p* heh shyeah she callz me Hedder ;p She haz an adorable baby boiy named Andrew, Andy for short. He'z gorgeous!!! And Keriz prolly the most sweetest girl I've met at bolt. I love her to death and I'd prolly do anything to defend her. mrow wove ya to death Skywee!!!! Wove your Andy too heh ;p mrow then letz see therez Julie *Elhandarha, Puce*. At first I really didn't like Julie that much, wellz actually the first time I met her I thought she waz kewl. But then she waz kind of all over Steve and I waz jealous and then I didn't like the way it waz going to make Daff feel either. Because again here were some hidden feelingz, I kinda did feel something more than friendz for Steve but that waz just for a while I'm mega over that now. But shyeah Juliez kewl she livez in Quebec, Canada. She'z a mega rper and mega into vampz too which makez her all the better heh. She'z with/waz with a guy named Jeff haven't seen him for a while tho. ohhh mahn then therez Kreig which I think waz messin with me last nite lol. Kreigz like gawd I can't honestly remember all the freaking namez he haz LoL. So I won't even begin to go there!!! hmmm then there'z Jim and Shay a very cute couple ;p Shay, which iz really Shannon *orangesnowcone* and Jim *cowboybebop* are really cute together. I know Shannon better than I know Jim shez an extremely crazy, hyper, kewl person love her too heh. Mrow uhm who else who else there are sooooo many of ya if I forget someone I'm mega sorry but I haven't yet slept and it'z early lol. Letz see I'm thinkin really. Ohhh kayz he doezn't really go around bolt that much but the other Jeff I met who I turned into my tyger who livez in Ontario, Canada mega hotty tall, brown hair, green eyez mmm hell yah LOL. Mrow I love mah tyger too ya know I do ;p. Let'z see ohhh yah therez the cute British guy Rich lol hez a kewl person too don't know him az well az otherz that I do though. Let'z see anybody else I'm leaving out? don't think so but I dunno if there iz I'll come bak and talk about ya promise ;p

Okayz, I'm pretty sure in the last, next to last entry I had been talking about Jason. Thingz with me and Jason didn't work out even though, I got mega close to him for a while I haven't really talked to him since he went back to EKU if you know what I mean. I guess I'm just not that important where I do not live on campus. Ah wellz forget him. I don't think we would have gotten along anyayz after we talked on mic over AiM. He just didn't seem my type ya know? Eih I got to talking to thiz guy named Brian who livez in Lexington and goez to UK. But lately he'z been acting like a mega asshole. So I think he'll b on the get lost list too LOL. Shyeah but then there'z Matt a mega hottt guitarist who goez to UK who so wantz me to go down to hiz place and get drunk with me and go to the skatepark. lmfao I used to want to go there sooooo bad when I wanted to find hot skaterz lmfao. I'm such a dong!!! Anyayz shyeah, we have sooooo much in common like our music tastez, the way we are, etc. Mrow I really like him wonder if hez got a hot voice LOL. He'z a guitarist in a band called "the Sacastix" I like their name LoL itz cute ;p. Mrow but shyeah uhm then there'z Devin haven't really talked to him much lately either wonder what it'd b like to meet him lol. hmmm other than that Kentuckian guyz nao go LoL nor Kentuckian chix. Sighz I really miss Christina though, heard she got herself a mahn. She'z sooo lucky in that department not I. I have gone to the conclusion that I can also not scare anyone, I've tried and I've failed so Justin and Stephen win I give up on trying to b scary. Mrow but why don't I at least get to b crazy? Now that I can get from lotz of people just not you guyz ah wellz won't press the issue just not crazy to you guyz mrow. Hmm haven't really talked to taschaZ or Devon the tygerz lately and I really regret that ;/. Mrow Jilly and Joel are bak in skewl my poor New Yorkerz heh. Mrow I'm going to rescue them one day blow up the skewlz and we'll go on our killing spree lmfao. I love them to death they're such fawking awesome people and b quiet you guyz YOU ARE!!!! SeXy ReXy too and you guyz are such a cuuuuute couple SILENCE lmfao nao arguing heh ;p the Heather winz ;p mrow hmmm who else to talk to Deenz on vacation for a week or so miss him hez one of my best friendz ;/ Mrow been talking to Ron lately hez gettin in a band either drummer or singer I think singer but dependz on the votez of the thingy heh. Crazy Ronz hez a sweety too shhh heh. mrow hmmm Katiez been having a lot of excitement with Hanz lately hez snuck up on her twice thiz past week. Heh I think itz mega sweet that he wantz to surprise hiz baby ;p I love you to death Katie mrow and I love the pixy thingz she made for me theyre fawking awesome ;p mrow she made me feel sooooo much better when she gave me those. Found out that Katie likez garlic pasta, pasta, breakfast tacoz bacon egg and potatoez heh margaritaz diet pepsi uhm. . .french onion soup, wonton soup, etc heh. Very cute ;p. Letz see who else to talk about? Haven't seen Joykinz for a while me miss you Joykinz. Uhm Moni came bak into online life not really all that close to her any more tho shrugZ. uhmmm been talking to some other guy from Lexington, but we're ONLY friendz lol which iz awesome. Ohhhh mahn how could I totally forget to talk about Adam???? He'z like the person whoz most there for me I love Adam to death. Gonna lick all your lucky charmz heh. Mrow shyeah Adam haz it just az rough az me if not rougher. Probably even worse than me. But he'z awesome nuff to get through it. Adam started college LoL better than me ;p mrow shyeah he'z an awesome writer read some of hiz awesome poemz down thiz column heh. Hmmm shyeah Adam knowz I love him to death and one day I'm gonna make you play DDR bwahahahaha and try and get ya to belly dance too lmfao. mrow shyeah hez mah Adam heh

All right nuff about other people I found out a couple weekz ago, that I do in fact receive SSI disability go me!!! Should b getting four thousand dollarz mega soon. And if you're wondering since most people don't know thiz what I'm getting disability for. I have rod cone dystrophy/ retina degeneration. A very bad eye disease that makez you lose your vision gradually and az of now therez nao cure so indeed I more than likely will b blind one day. Uhm letz see I prolly will go to Louisville soon az I get my cd burner and all my music and stuff off the bitch ass compuker. Let'z see other new thingz about me haz purple tinted glassez now doeznt wear them a lot bad me lol I dyed my hair to radiant ruby verrrry pretty heh. Sighz uhm letz see I now am on fluxotine, let'z see and it'z not being a mega great help lately ppl can tell ya lmfao. Let'z see I saw "Queen of the Damned" over the weekend to the bookz it iz a mega awful production. They tried to squeeze "The Vampire Lestat" and "Queen of the Damned" into one short movie and made it completely suck!!! The only good thing about the movie iz the awesome soundtrack. I've been listening to "Before I'm Dead" by the Kidney Thievez, and "Redeemer" by Marilyn Manson. I've also been listening to Tuuli, The Rocking Horse Winner, Sheryl Crow, Snake River Conspiracy and Mary Chapin Carpenter a lot lately LOL.Hmm, I think I either caught mono again from Becky or gave it to her and if it waz from me I got it from my esteemed rapist bluh!! mrow haz done a lot of stuff but eih thiz iz just a brief overview so talk to you guyz laterZ!!

Confessional Nao

I don't want to b your second rate whore I'm tired of being taken for granted I don't want thiz unrealistic fiasco any more I need to know that I'm more than just wanted I don't want you to love me for my body'z armor I used To want you for What you And I created together Not any more I'm over you And you say you care just not whether Or not I care that you Care for thiz because I'm not making it any easier But you don't know me now do you You don't know that I feel so much uglier When you Lay the wordz out of sexy on my vanity dresser

Credit card perfect smile Iz what you dream for On the girl you hold on the womahn you defile And I'm not one for All that petty beauty Nao beautyz only knee deep Ferocious iz to the core And you speak So softly when you say you don't love her any more She left you Presently speaking hurt you But did you Ask her why What waz inside your box Pandora Lead her down the second hall corridor Feed her by the hand your majesty Sex with me Or darling your history I know it'z there Don't deny it'z not there And I'm tired of that crypt keeper voodoo sit on my lap stare I'm not here to give it I'm not here to lick it So don't try and stick it I SAID NAO I SAID NAO

You think love iz only a process for reproducing Little boiy I have so much introducing To do to you for how love really iz I may nao longer believe in it Myself that iz But I know damn well how I know That women were not set here to say I love you now let'z go make a baby Barefoot and pregnant Iz that all you think of us? Let me tell you something Little mahn who'z only good for playing And messing around Going to take your flea bitten mongrel ass to the pound I'd sell you for fifty centz But I'd get zero offerz And you're trying to knock her On to her kneez on to the ground You can't stop You won't stop Trying to go down ONCE AGAIN I TOLD YOU NAO I TOLD YOU NAO!!!

Get the hell out Don't you dare turn around Handz behind your head Common treatment of a cheater Embassy of the imbred Play with me Peter Should have killed You while I had the chance and threw your rotting bonez in the river You're tiny penis could never deliver And you couldn't get the message That decency and courtesey meant more than your nasty sausage Going in my mouth You threw yourself on me while I waz lying on the couch Nasty twisted mother fucker Tell me yes I did it and I don't want to hear you stutter Come on now Come on now You knew how To do it When the time waz right Can't you do it When the pressurez on tight? Come on don't quit now Footz in your mouth And I'm loving it You're proving it Az I waz screaming NAO NAO NAO You were pulling it out And I kicked and I hit but none of that matterz now Now doez it Because none of you trust it!!!

qotd quote
"Take a walk down the aisle at the end of the mile, Give your life to my charms In the admiral's arms."~Queen of the Damned

Wishing you the best

thiz iz my favorite that Adam wrote it'z the most recent thing that he'z let me read of hiz that hez written and I think itz an excellent piece because it'z so dramatic and deep.

Wishing You the Best

Can you hear the sounds of my tears as they fall through the years of self hate and self doubt? Can you hear the sounds of me crying now that I have to go without? I miss you and want you and need you the same as I always did and yet now even more that I don’t know who I am. I can’t seem to get you out of my head and I want to. It might be easier if I could forget what you said yet it burns in my mouth like the taste of your lips. I lied to you and stole from you and raped and sedated you, yet what did I get in return for hating you? I broke us apart by breaking your heart and yet nothing I’ve tried can seem to replace you. I want to get over you more than I need to get back with you and the sound of your voice echoes from the lack of you and I face the night alone now that I’ve broken you. The lies burn holes in you like coals to you and I can’t seem to repair the damage I’ve done to you. I try all I know how to do yet nothing will work. So I write rhymes to you about missing you and all it does is misplace my thoughts of you. Can you see these tears for you? You made me happy for what was the first time in my life and nothing anyone said would take you away from me. Nothing anyone one said would make me hate you. Nothing anyone said would make me see that the lies I believed to be true would break me and you. Nothing anyone said mattered to you save what I said that wasn’t true. And you didn’t know what to do to fight the problems that I told to you. Yet you tried just for me and you couldn’t see that it was bullshit I made up to make others look up to me. I hated myself and I hated the truth so I hid it so far away so that it couldn’t get back to you. I made up so much shit that it tasted like it and I made myself broken so I would be good for you. Yet all the lies did was take away you and now I would sacrifice anything to make me be true to you. There was no real problems that burned in my head and none of my friends have ever been dead and no one ever beat me or nothing like the crap I said. You were my first and my best and my worst and nothing will take that away form me. I don’t know what to do anymore to make you see that you deserve the best from me and that there’s nothing but the truth left in me. But I don’t think I’ll get a second chance from you but if you look at it like I do then you see that the fake me has died and that the real me is alive so it wouldn’t be a second but a first time for me. I don’t know what else to say to you except that I love you. I understand that you hate me and that there’s not much left of me so you don’t have to ever talk to me again. But if you ever want to see me again or find yourself thinking about letting me in then you know how to reach me and you know I would be happy to have you teach me the way to be. So I hope this isn’t good bye but if it is than there isn’t anything I can do. I want to be with you. But if not then ok, I’ll go on with my life. Only know I’ll always be true to you and I’ll never forget you. Goodbye and I only hope for the best for you.

Fires

thiz one by Adamz really good too lol I honestly think they all are but I love writingz and poemz so shoot me for that ;p

Fires

A shadow dies in thine eyes of fear and thoughts untouched

A tear of joy drowned by pain in memories of such

A cut on the skin for the hatred within and the ugliness without

A face in the mirror and there much more care and the screams must be let out

A child born unto the world and buried in the lies

Drugs and poison and love ungiven lead to self mutilation and sighs

Blamed for the pain and the sex leaves stains and the blood can only linger

All I want is a kiss from you and to feel on my skin your fingers

Used up and broken from the trials and tears of years unforgotten

Leaving this world and yet you still yearn for the rest of the pills you dropped in

Can these words of wisdom and insane wisps of thoughts shattered and misused

Reach through your doubt and hatred and shroud of bloody tissues

To penetrate your ravaged hole and steal away your twisted soul

And leave the fires deep inside the shadow of your empty eyes raging cold

Without the self inflicted scars and stories carved on your skin

I only scream and tear you down because you’ll never let me in

Nightlight

hmmm thiz one'z a bit long that Adam wrote but itz pretty amazing too

Nightlight

Can you see the crimson stars falling faster than the tears on her face? Nothing matters to her anymore except for his disgrace. The shadows in her room crawl upon the walls of her mind and she sits in the corner oblivious to time as his face flashes past before her eyes and she cries with each image as if it were the end of her life. His eyes are so cold and barren in the pictures of her past. She can't seem to recall what she so adored; she couldn't seem to make the smiles in his eyes last. All alone now in her room in the dark she still cries and wishes he'd return. Yet she knows he can't for she was there that night when he turned on her and she watched her love burn. With nothing left to drive her onward through life she gives up and wishes she would die. Then a faint sound is heard somewhere in the world she longs to leave behind. The sound of a phone faintly ringing draws her back to reality and she realizes she isn't blind. The phone is there in her room by her bed and she reaches slowly for it. Unsure of what to say as she answers she whispers a faint " I can't do it." "What?" comes the reply from across the line and she blinks as she recognizes the voice. "Hello? " she says. "Hey Mel" comes the sound of a boy she hasn't talked to in awhile. "I heard what happened, and I'm sorry" he says. "Thanks, i guess." Replies Mel. "Well......do you want to talk?" The sweet voice says, and Mel feels her thoughts knocked of track. "I want to see you," she says, and breaks down in tears. "I'm on my way, i want to see you too after all these years." She hangs up the phone, and stands up....suddenly she doesn't feel quite so alone. She gets dressed, in a black dress with frills and lace. She still feels sad but she knows that maybe things will get better. She looks in the mirror at the smeared makeup on her face and wipes it all off with a tissue. She turns to leave the room and as she turns off the lights she whispers faintly, "I love you, you meant so much to me, but i have to get on with my life. Just remember, where ever you are, i will always miss you."

Roulette

and here ya go read more by Adam lol

Roulette

A knife blade of shadow and rage burns slowly through my wrist incased in a fire born from my soul in the slow embers of the hole you left inside me to watch me bleed and die as i wither away. What haven't i tried to make you stay and tell me the reasons you go away and have sex again and again and again, not with me only to see that i'm worthless and broken and nothing to you no matter what i do to show it all and be there to help you when you fall yet you turn on me and use me again because you know i can just to take advantage of how weak i am and leave me when you finish the show to drive home alone even though your in the car seat next to me and still you look so far to bleed when all i yearn for is to have you care for me in the end let me in i've tried so hard, yet this is my last card before i fold you've never told me anything but hate and rape yet i've bet it all on one last game to play and if i lose it all this way then i've only one more thing to say......goodbye.

Seven Years

Also written by the talented Adam heh

Seven Years

Those shadows seen before your eyes are the souls of all that have died because you fail to believe in yourself and doubt that you deserve better...Those tears you shed at night alone while waiting quietly by the phone are killing you slowly and you know that it can't be that way forever. I sacrifice myself only so you can see that deep inside you is what I need and I dare you to look in the mirror there and tell me what is hiding. See the cracks upon your face and the lines of self-hate so thick I can trace and tell me that with him you are happy, tell me you're not dying.

Every day

Thiz waz also written by Adam like hiz werk mega much nyowww

: Everyday

A small girl of the age of fourteen was sitting at home in her room. There was blood on the floor and a knife in her hand and nothing that mattered anymore. She had grown up alone and raped by her dad and nothing anyone said made the hate go away. All the pain did was hurt in her head and make her screams all the more insane. A tear fell for each time in bed she had called out a different boy's name. She'd become the sex that had stained her life and so often she no longer came. It was nothing to her and she hated it all and it left her with a hole so small eating it's way strait through her heart and into her soul and she would carve it away until the next time she was laid and lose another friend. Now at home all alone and lying on the floor with blood and her soul poured out all so slow she decided this was the end

Inside

thiz onez by Adam too he'z a mega great writer mroww

: Inside

I turned to look in the mirror today

Yet I saw more than my flawed face

This time I looked deeper down inside

To the little boy that I try to hide

The me I don’t let others see

And bury down beneath the lies

Inside myself I’m broken and empty

I’m ugly and scared and wounded and cry

I live in a hell that I build for myself

Never looking past the shell

Though nothing good can be seen inside

I know that if I tried it might survive

I realize that without the hate

The pain the loss the tears and sighs

I’m no one and nothing and pretty inside

Without the black that I make myself eat

I’m ok and nothing is wrong with me

But I’m crazy and dying and bleeding within

Aren’t I?

Lies in Wait

thiz iz one mega awesome poem Adam wrote I'm not zactly sure who he wrote it about I think hiz ex ex girlfriend lol that I've heard mentioned before ;p eih anyayz I really like it

Lies in Wait

I lied to you about yesterday

Tomorrow is so far away

Can you sleep with me tonight?

And keep the shadows at bay?

I lied to you about my pain

I lied to keep myself insane

Can you forgive my mistakes?

Or am I pleading all in vain?

I lied to you about my name

I lied to myself the same

Can you take it all away?

Can you take away the shame?

Heart of Stone

Markz and scarz twist and shape To form the entity of your gruesome face The beatings of a revolution that time can't erase I'm not going to b used az your magnet for sucking face I ruined everything you established sweetheart I heard your sacharinely demure scheme to reel him in with jealousy Hearing you talk that way makes me want to barf Eavesdropped on all your sensitivity Tried to keep an open mind I guess I basked in the sun of your love for too much time The explanation of why my brainz thiz fried Listening to lipz of imperfection that could only b fixated On a mahnz breath Can't live without it being saliva filled Mouth full of gushing wind that only dominance could have swept

You hate me now don't you Don't look through me as if I'm glass You want to break me now don't you I let you treat me wayyy too bad For entirely too long and now my compensationz due You threw me out like a rag Never deserved thiz from you Can't look at me when my head dragz So impersonal the way thiz iz coming from you Susceptible az a brown paper bag You only used me now didn't you Why can't you Admit these accusationz are all dead right about you Why must you lie just tell me the truth I don't want to b the living proof Of being the laughing stock of your school Of sizzling fishez who are all going to burn When you feel like frying them in a skillet Wait your turn Because I'm gone I'm no longer your concern And we both know where I'm standing there'z no point of return

Iz your prince of heartz gone yet? Iz it safe for me to come upstairz yet? Iz it customary standard to make the prejudiced upset? Talking to you iz my biggest regret You were only using me for proceduring interest Did you ever think of my feelingz Or what you I waz enduring Stroke her just to hear her purring Kiss her neck just to hear her moaning Suck her skin to make sure the temperature of her blood iz boiling Trickz of an elaborate sorcerist so fawking annoying Courtesan to fall for you'd better b the one you're employing Because I'm not selling and I'm not falling

Chorus

Pucker up to the demoness of death She wantz to kiss you with her tongue and steal your sweet breath Don't move Don't take another step I'm going to drain you until you have nao soul left Queen of the damned In tune with Mercury Pulling me down to your aura of idealism Pyramid of you and I disintegrating iz ancient history Punishing you with the moonbeam'z prismz I want to watch you hurting I want you to feel the mechanism Of pain splitting Through your heart and handz of negligence Pulling you Strangling you All the way down to size

Chorus

Took advantage of me ten timez too many I've learned to question everyone I'm no longer doing any of the trusting Secretz Thatz all we live with And I'm tired of the secretz That your velvet lipz Just won't bring theirselvez to say The wordz you keep falsely Hanging around your neck Avoiding my company Because you know the answerz I expect Leave your statement Poised against my doorstep Just walk away In your coat of armz of shame In the pale pouring rain That embroiderz you and takez Your distress down to amputate Your callous mind state And I can't help but wait Until you're worldz turned into painstakingly Agonizingly bitter Close the windows close the shutterz Close your mouth Guttersnipe You called me it once You called me it twice You brought the word swine to new heightz And I lost a tropical ray of sunshine When you dined On my collarbone And then never followed All the way through and cast a heart of stone

lipzy

which Tori accessory are you? find out @ snowcanwait.org

Dyke

What Kind of Dyke Are You?

Caption

Your steaming hot and then you blow cold I'm sick of you not letting me know What you're thinking What you're wishing Your lipz won't release the sound I'm tired of playing thiz game of guessing Do you want me or do you not? I'm not going to keep waiting Nao nothing lastz forever certainly Not the exisstence of my body So don't think that you can pull down the curtain for maintenance Then reopen the draping velvet when you've recovered your patience Say itz unacceptable without any explanation Understand my mind never needed any acceptance to proceed to obsession

Don't remind me Of your power over me By brainwashing me Into thinking that you could love me When you're merely Like any other person lying Accusationz that will slip under the rug While your tongue Tripz on all the denying Of the simple fraction Multiplying and dividing Down the secretz ot the truth with your outer resistence az a distraction Throw the cat a fish but Myss Neko'z not biting My thoughtz are inbetween the linez but you're not smart enough to read the caption

Why must you do thiz to me Why can't you just come clean Why must you abuse me By turninng me By making me Say something that I'll never amount to or b Can't your eyez see That I love you? Don't your earz hear exactly The underscore of trust that I've been pouring into you? Do you not object to any of the feelingz of your actionz Im questioning Doez it not matter to you? That my equilibriumz about to stop breathing Don't you dare think you Will ever b able to stop me Because if you do it'z all only cheap talking That your head iz doing

Chorus

Stop changing Stop taking Advantage of the emotionz I feel For granted They're not here for your taking I leave them here granted Not for you but for me Stop using The strength inside of me For your own purposez You think it'z funny Now don't you I suppose But would it b so hysterical If the heel of my ankle Hit your right ventrical To slash you down damaging you just like you did such a gossamer girl

Chorus

Don't you dare start with me I've heard enough of you to take me to the next century I've grown tired of your unhonesty I've grown weary of thiz manipulation I'm not going to take any new mutiny So please if that'z what you're here for leave for your own consolidation You think you're winning? Have you gone crazy? Exactly what were you thinking Whatever you were iz quite scary You're no where close to forclosing Any deal with me So don't let your fingerz go walking To dial the numberz to have a conversation with me Because I'm tired of the mean way your mouth haz been talking About me Behind my curvaceous back While you thought it waz all under the sofa I know what you've been talking about me az my bak Waz turned to the wall and not watching your teeth sink into me like a giant cobra Turned around just at the right moment to attack And you went down Like the liar I'd never known You to b But now I know and you're the one who won't

Competition

I want to wear the cutz I already wear the namez Of the wordz that form slut The letterz tramp mark me with shame I want to kick your mouth shut I'm sick of hearing your butchering commentz that are all the same Lock her in the shell of a nut Just in case He seez the heelz of her pumpz You said you were sorry, but sorry doezn't replace The crystal lake of emotion you crushed When you forced him to the slam the door in my face When you exploited hiz affection just to carry out your thirst for lust If I could do it all over five minutez would b the only length I would have stayed

They say shez special in the head Because she feelz she'd b better off belonging to the dead Have you ever hurt that deeply Have you ever felt that deeply? I can't tell it if you have I can't sense it if you have Stop your begging You've already won Stop your fixating You're the one who acquired the competition Loving you waz hiz final decision I'm just a second hand door prize The one you can't look past without guilt in your eyez Because the sorrow in mine Cannot leave you without a feeling A feeling you don't wish to look at Unless there'z dark enough lighting It'z a compound every day I stare at

I live with the realization That you'll never care or understand The concept nor the frustration That I feel at the way you underhandedly Made him feel guilty Enough to stop speaking to me Enough to stay away from me Just to make your selfish pleasure happy Just to make your jealous sub conscious feel ecstasy Forcing me to turn away Because I can't show what I REALLY feel Nao not for you so these three little wordz I'll leave not to say Can't you take anything that I feel Into the least bit of consideration

Chorus

Take it Take him I nao longer want it You've ruined him You've ended it Everything I wanted from him It'z yourz I SAID TO FAWKING TAKE HIM WHORE I want you to know Exactly how cold You were to force him to not want To come Anywhere near me Why iz it that youre so stingy? When hiz relationship with you doezn't even wear the label of monogamy?

Chorus

Feel it Can you feel it? Of course not You only drank until the syrup waz all gone Anxious but you have to live on Or do you? When everything haz such a calculating edge Should you? When you have love for a mahn you can't confess? Iz it right for you When you have the knowledge That only hurtz you When all the liquid haz been sucked from your veinz And love'z misery won't let you forget The conquering drain That seeing a jezebel who you or he'z never even met Steal the gentle breeze'z kiss of the rain And it all stayz exactly the same A slut will take you away From me So what'z the use in my staying?

like thiz

hmmm another thing im pretty sure taschaZ wrote not sure where she got it if not but it rulez remindz me of me too ;p

It wasn't what i wanted.

To look into those deep eyes and see our love is the first thing that came to me

but when i saw those baby blue gems nothing but lust came

can't you see?

It's not what i wanted to kiss your stomach and feel your breath

but to sit out in the sand hold your hand and think of our future plan.

I want to come home and see you waiting for me

i want to kiss you and smell your hair

can't you see i'm waiting for love to come up and invite into me.

I want to shed a tear and have you come hold me up

i want someone strong

i want you to be the one.

I want love

i want a hug

i want you and only you to be my love.

Hold me close

don't let me go

show me your world and please lets go slow.

Love me forever and mean it when you say it

please do it with respect and don't try to play it.

Heart on a plate,

please don't say it's not fate.

Weasel Girl

Letz talk about you and me Whatz that? You know that I'm easy?? I know you've heard that From so many I know you've heard that Past Present and Future history Don't deny it You're making me dizzy Fuck thiz You used to call me sweety You used to call me pretty Now you won't even look at me Now you won't even say you love me

What did I do To become so fawking irreversible? What did I do To become so fawking dismissable? Yes you dismissed me Yes bitch you disrespected me Walked all over me With your hornytoad 42 D breastz and tight pussy You never loved me Whore why won't you admit it to me You were alwayz Only using me You were alwayz Finding some way to humiliate me You thought it'd b fun to "play" with me But now here I am again when you don't want me

I loved you simply For over and over I took all your faultz into consideration Loving you still equally You tossed away my love for hiz dick'z penetration I attended to you at all costz tentatively You lost your concentration Of my life and me When he entered yourz Smacked me In the face and then shut all the doorz Just to b alone away from me With hiz skanky mouth that licked the floor You didn't just hurt me You did much more Than you'll ever know when you backed away from me Claiming I didn't deserve your kiss because my lipz were deformed Claiming I didn't deserve your love because my idealz were abnormal

Chorus

I don't want to talk about it I don't want to release my emotionz to anyone ever again I don't want to hear about it I want to relish on silence I don't want to listen to it I don't want to b your walk-in The one you have to think about it I don't want to b your damsel The prisoner in need of your saving Your fear-I don't want to taste it I waz the one you were alwayz copying You're not worth it Your deceptive nature waz the only thing I waz uncovering

Chorus

I've grown tired of all your sniveling I'm tired of being the one pivoting Upon her heelz Just to make sure you look bak and make sure your woundz are healed Six thousand five hundred and fifty dayz old Fire in my eyez iz the only thing thatz grown To come out of thiz Ice in my veinz iz the only thing that tricklez down You did thiz on purpose I want you to rivet in my sorrow Just like I did When you sliced my heart to piecez like you were Zorro You never thought now did You my once pretty You never considered Me now did you I'm just a lover who used to b With you Now aren't I? Don't you Care anything at all why He left you Do you ever drift bak to the timez I comforted you The fact I never once said good bye To you Without good reason When hiz snowflake breath set your earz freezing I loved you I would have kept you In my grip forever But with me Forever yes forever My dear hussy Waz never good enough To ever believe I never amounted huh? That'z okay I oblige you to take your sophisticated weasel and GO FAWK!!!

mrow

thiz remindz me of myself taschaZ wrote it I love it ;p

You see that girl over there?

Yah the one in the corner.

You see how her face is turned,

take a look at her shoulder.

How the fuck can you go and do this man?

You think no one would care?

What was going on in your mind

what happend to you up there?!

You used her and you bruised her,

you left her and you expect her to get up on her own?

Can you see those tears she sheds,

can you see how she's all alone?

Why does it seem like,

why does it feel like i'm the only one who notices?

Why it the same thing everytime.

Why is it another little girls heart you had to steal

what if i broke the fucking bridge of your nose with my heel?

HAH you think that would be funny?

How about the pain you've caused and how it made her feel.

You leave the pieces for me to pick up of this broken heart.

She gets up and walks away and it makes me go on another day.