Falling

I stand, looking my hand I talk with these lines That's not the answer I cry and now I know looking the sky I search an answer

So free, free to be I'm not another liar I just want to be myself… myself

And now the beat inside of me is a sort of a cold breeze and I've never any feeling inside around me… I bring my body carry it into another world I know I live… but like a stone I'm falling down

Damned, looking into the sky I can feel this rain right now it's falling on me fly, I just want to fly life is all mine some day I cry alone, but I know I'm not the only one I see that another day is gone I don't wanna die… Please be here when I'll arrive, don't die… please

-Lacuna Coil

Burned

Desire keeps her here locked and clung to your side

Will you ever really love her?

Answer me or can't you decide

You've told me you love her

But you never show it except at the worse times

Is it true or are you just pretending to care about her

Don't do me any favors

I've had enough done for me

Falling down beside her

Looking at me

On the inside of her

The way you've never looked at me

The way you've never wanted to have to look at me

Because it scares you to feel that deeply when it comes to me

Your little failure

Your little prisoner

Oh my Euphoria

Oh my Hysteria

You left me here to fall apart

To die in heavens arms

He never came for me

Desire overtook me

He wanted me

So I gave into him and forgot the provision of safety

Just like you did when conceiving me

When making me enter this world without asking

You failed to use a condom

You failed to use a contraceptive

You blame it all on me

Because I own a disability

You gave all of this to me

I hate you for it

I hate myself for it

Night after night

I try and make this end

I'll never taste freedom

I'm in love with a male forbidden

You'll never know what I'm thinking

You'll never see the substances swallowed

Swallowed a vixens tail

When she told you to go to hell

Because you behaved like a bitch

You treated her like shit

For doing nothing

Except for living

I can't go on forgiving

Whether it be willed or not

How to surrender to the thought of letting go my mind of free will has forgotten

A whore of a girl for you will do

An insane psychotic misfit for you will do

Will it honestly do

Will I honestly do

Can you honestly say you love me

Can you honestly say you çan't fail to love me

When no one else has ever been able to overcome their hatred and fears and love me?

I'm not saying I don't believe in you

Because I believe you can if you want to

I just don't know if I believe you want to

Because I don't believe in myself

Because I despise myself

The desire I feel, the way I melt

When my mind stops to analyze you

Will I be able to let you have me

Will I be able not to fail miserably

To fall back down into the caldrons spell

The one that brewed my bones into liquid considerably

The one that owns me

Because of the day I made a pact with the witch with ashes burned from honey

The one who promised me

If I'd only

Listen to the rain that welted from ebony

To a master of lies that took over me

Love me

Just promise me

That you'll love me

And be able to keep your promise the way she never did with me

When she was the one who made me

Love'z Sore

Why does love not exist any more

Why did you leave after the rain stopped hitting the tile on the kitchen floor

Why did your feet walk out that door

Disappearing and saying nothing more

Can we ever go back to that place we were before?

Why has sex become so important any more

It used to be there but left unmentioned

Now it’s the only thing that can get a male’s attention

Love has become a personification

Women have lost their souls

You lost the very edge of your soul

A ritual an ape of a beast monkey started after losing control

Wild animal sex

People have turned themselves into objects

Lust is the only propriety you any longer expcet

Females wearing nylons that only go up to the bare midrift of their thighs

Eyes no longer innocent mouths are no longer open wide

When they come to venture on a couple fucking each other in broad daylight

It’s expected

A society of male chauvinists that deserts a lady when she’s became pregnant

You tell me not to dwell on it

How can I not

When the body has become a product

To possess a profit

For an animalistic behavior sold on a black market

For a materialistic sacriment

Sold to me

Given to me

If I can spread my legs far enough apart

What do we do with the broken lost hearts

That were formerly buried inside our chests

You gave it up to shove yourself down her throat

She gave it up to feel comfort she had never known

But you never gave it to her

You could never give back what you’d taken from her

You didn’t see it as taking anything any way

Because you gave pleasure for thirty minutes of her day

It meant nothing

It amounted to nothing

You only released more pain

You only castrated more hurting and more stains

I can’t feel sorry for you

I will never be able to love you

I can’t love myself

So how could I ever love you

You got rid of love

Because of one single person

Is it just me or do you seem like a coward

Giving up the power

To turn yourself happy

Just because you refuse to see

And interlock yourself into a world of misery

You’ll never find her

You’ll never find me

You took it out of her

When you took it out of me

Love has lost its romance

I’ve lost the pursuit of happiness

Do fairies really dance

When March sets it's disappointing tale

With its pestilence of correspondance

That comes knocking at ones door

When love takes away the breath of bliss and leaves behind nothing but a sore?

Precious Suffering

Your tongue never fails at slithering

Words unsubstantial that begin the two parties feuding

Static electricity flicking upon my thin fingers when my secret comes out from hiding

The one you invaded me with by lying

Two more words pushing me into my final stance of bickering

I want to slap your face in with your tone mocking

The pain my soul your two soiled lips have began inflicting

Slinking tongue poised inside your tight, tainted cheek; the truth you’re still hiding!

I’ll be the one to find it, find the sordid context you’ve been shadowing

When I’m through you won’t have two feet to stand on

I want you to fall down and glide upon your stomach on the hottest ground

The floor of hell

The one you send me to every day in my reclusive shell

We kissed that night

She and I

You saw me the disgraceful morbid figurine dressed in black and white

I’d kiss her again and still stare you in the eye

I’ve swallowed my tongue with one solid bite

I’m no longer concerned about the veneer of my pride

Let every woman and man see

That she still loves me

You never loved me

You only kept on pretending

With eyes so rude and lips so abrasive

The truth in the softest alabaster light you took it in your hands bending it crushingly

Crushing me like you’d love to do my tear streaked face

Mermaid in daylight living

And I’m not hiding the truth behind heaven’s gates

I’ll be honest

I’ll be truthful

I’ll be candid

You’ll be deceitful

I’ll be decent

You’ll be Judas!

Sold me for a sum of pleasure

To spend with your lover

In the darkened bedroom

Tramp can we assume?

You lied to me

You deceived me

I will not allow you to decide for me

I will not allow you to beat me

You’ve done it once

You’ve done it twice

You’ve done so many times why keep count

The tide’s capsizing and it has you as it’s captive bound

I want to watch you hurt

I want to watch you suffer

I want to make you hurt

I want to make you suffer

Just like you hurt me

Just like you delivered me into the hands of suffering

Suck on those thoughts for a while

The world’s revolved around you for a long enough trial

I’m re-tilting the axis

From Passive to aggressive

From Monster to Beast

From Vixen to Tigress

From Preposterous to Disease

From Kitten to Vicious

From Impossible to Realism

From Smitten to Delicious

From Intolerable to Zealous

From Sitting to Abolition

From Problem to Precious

From Wanting to Needing

From Wobbling to Diffused

From Kissing to Sucking

From Shivering to Severed

From Pointless to Everything

From Jealous to Loving

From Poisonous to not Harming

From Hazardous to Foaming

From Evaporated to Moisturing

I’ll change your whole horizon

I’m tired of the dysfunction fighting

I’m tired of my frustration

I’m tired of my apathy taking over my functions

I’m tired of having you invade my thinking

I’m tired of you staring

This is just my warning

Beware you won’t stand up to your punishment

Can you bleed any type of substance

Without feeling the pain that does your body justice?

Can you for only one instance

Can you take more than a miles distance

Between yourself and the one you love

Could you take it for a day? A week? A month?

Answer me

You can’t answer me

Because you don’t know the answer your heart holds in store

And I don’t want this silence of brutal mortality any more

We’re up to level four

One question more

And I’ll close the subject

Can you tell me why my heart you cut out

Hanging it up as a crucifixion

The one you use for mouths to lick the blood off in anticipation

Cellophane mountain

Pouring your emotion

Down the hill artificial confection

Your princess will lose her perfection

Moles will grow into the aging of that unblemished complexion’

I’ll never lose my soul of resistence

I’ll never lose my inner existence

My body can change

My face can change

My lips can taste

My tongue can taste

My ears can hear

My perception will still feel fear

When your voice calls out for assistance of a force greater

That the one all these years who has held you prisoner

To a colony of surrealism

To an emasculation of masculine ness

To a revolution of hating yourself for making all the mistakes

I can’t feel sorry for you and your apologies can never replace

The established fury you instated

Wrath

Shut the fuck up whore You can’t lie to her face any more SLUT! QUEEN OF TARTS! BITCH! THIEF OF HEARTS! You stole mine for four years straight Hiding it under that pile of diminishing plates All the ones that hold onto your dinner While serving myself with birth control so my ass can grow thinner Dimmer and dimmer Lower and lower The petals grow weaker The tower grows higher and higher The one of brittle manifesting cob stones you built inside of her

Don’t believe in those eyes Shimmering green that used to blind My already blinded sight Thinking about them at night Makes the sound of my voice scream as fucking loud of a tempo as hysterical can have move to intervene it’s flight I hate you I hate that you dined Merely on my suffering You were never even pretty with your big bones that defined Your face in two hands merely shriveling Desolation with agony prevailing I tried in your hairy face believing Staring in those eyes bristling Ripping back the covers awakened from my once peaceful dreaming With your dagger like embrace pulling My neck into the tightening Grip of an ugly whore who’s so frightening I can’t even open my mouth To scream GET THE FUCK AWAY SOW!

You took away our freedom You took away thy kingdom Battle grounds still standing I’m still looking Still urging Myself to find that place In the back of my mind where I can’t put a finger to touch the memory of your disgusting face The one with lips that can’t open to say more than two spaced out non existing words I hate the contradictions you use to replace The entity of the truth of my words You never listened To what was in your heart When I opened The key to unseal the broken parts Of my tragically wounded center The one more males have used to enter And render unimpressively their playground of underprivileged sentences And all I can see now is the distance Surrounding my old entrance

Your betrothal of broken words Stumble upon to aggravate every single nerve Achingly stretching to reach out to you in my body You never reached back to touch my own body And I disappeared The memory of me must have disappeared Slipped into a blackened hole in that fucked up head The one you cradle on that neck of yours The one I want to tear off and sever Heart ache replacing the images of you petting her I’ve erased your disfigured and misshapen form to surrender Myself back into the hands that slip down even farther HELL NO YOU CAN’T TAKE OFF MY CLOTHES HELL NO YOU CAN’T LOOK AT ME EVEN WITH EYES CLOSED MY KISSES WERE MERELY A LOAN TO A DEMON THAT DISFIGURED ITSELF IN A FEMININE TONE FAT AND UNWHOLY YOU CONSUME THE CYCLE OF LIFE WITH GLUTTONY AND I OWN THE SIN OF WRATH TOTALLY THE ONE THAT WASHES DOWN MY HANDS IN CRIMSON MUTINY YOU LEFT ME HERE EMPTY WITH NO PICTURES TO REPLACE THE SCRUTINY OF YOU ONCE BEING MY COVEANTRY YOU HAVE TURNED INTO MY OWN WORSE ENEMY AND I HATE YOU WITH EVERY DROP OF IVORY THAT CONCEALS ITSELF OVER BONES OF A ONCE LOVING LADY

Finally feel like adding something again. . .

Hello I’m somewhat back not that I’ve really been gone anywhere I just haven’t felt much like writing for the past few weekz thingz haven’t been that grrreat lately anyayz. Hmm I guess I’ll start with around three weekz ago, and filter back to that Tuesday night when thingz started going down hill. I came online to see what waz going on with the people I usually talk to I had had thiz guy named Chris who livez in Louisville mega bugging me to come up there and spend time with him. To be honest I think the way he kept going all he wanted waz to have sex with me and get to go down on me and see what waz under my pantz surface. He just kept kind of annoying me and I kept doing my best to push him away, he wasn’t bad looking or anything I just wasn’t in the mood to have something like that take place. Any way, I waz on here talking to people and my dad imz me and startz bugging me to go look at some site of past offenderz in Kentucky and asking me what the guy who had raped me’z name waz and so I told him that all I had known waz hiz first name so then he sendz me some link go look there go look there. I tell him look thiz iz a thing of the past something I want to put far behind me and do my best to think little to never of it. He’z like gosh just go look at it and I’m like why am I looking at thiz in the first place? I don’t want to ever see that guy’z face again don’t ever want to hear from him again that’z why he’z blocked on my screen name. Sighz then that next day on Wednesday everything goez wrong too and just my mom and I have like some stuff happen and kind of get into it. Then we went to town and I got to get like thiz stuffed unicorn that waz left over from Valentinez day and iz marked down at Kroger it’s pink and haz some lavender rosez they didn’t have any more of the lavender onez like I had wanted so I had to settle for pink. Mrow I don’t really remember a whole lot from that day I just remember like mom made me feel mega stupid, the monsterz came over and I had to help watch them, uhm I’m pretty sure I waz about half out of it on Coricidin since I had been doing a hell of a lot of that around that time of date. I remember having to pick up my birth control and Fluoxetine that day. Hmm, I think it waz either that day or the next I can’t really remember thiz either that we went to Wal-Mart I ended up seeing Brandy around there and we spoke for a while, ya know it honestly seemz like all these people who werk up at Wal-Mart here know me, I went to go get cheese and turkey from like the deli and some chick who werkz bak there waz like are you Heather? I’m like uhhh yeah? She’z like yeah I thought so we went to skewl together I’m like looking at her thinking and you are? Could never come up with who she iz shrugz ohhhh wellz. I see Brandy and Stephanie werking there all the time. Shyeah I think it waz the week before that I went to Walmart like the Friday of that past week or something I don’t really remember it’s been too long ago and I’ve done entirely too much Coricidin and fucked my mind up that and just too much in my head. Ohhhh no it waz that Thursday come to think of it, or maybe it waz Friday hell if I really know. I just know that the Thursday of that week my dad bugged me like Melissa came bak to being online and I had a lot of stuff happen , because when she first came bak she would hardly ever talk to me or say two wordz to me or answer my emailz and stuff like that so I ended up thinking she hated me or something. The reason I remember all of thiz waz it waz that Friday after we had gone to Winchester to go to Big Lotz for my mom to look for thiz floor tiling stuff and we went to Walmart to find my RF modulator to hook my dvd/vcr combo up with. Shyeah any way, after that we took Amber to the mall even though she ended up lying to my mother and not telling her until the moment before we left and the only reason she found out waz because Amberz bf called here and she asked if he waz going and then Amber said yes he’z going. My mother had to be an extremely big bitch and start comparing her to me and how supposedly I used to lie and all thiz bull shit I have never lied to her about any of the people I’ve gone out with or where I would be going with them. If I lied to her I HAD to lie to her because if I didn’t unlike with Amber when she would have taken her any way she would have never let me of gone because she never liked any of my friendz when I waz in high skewl because we were bad together and did stuff like alcohol and drugz. Thiz waz my senior year when I really started doing both. Any way, I started complaining of how my father could like Amber’z boiyfriend when he iz of the Wiccan religion, yet he called my very best friend Melissa a lesbian. My mom waz like you told me she waz a lesbian I said no I never did. She waz like then okay I read a letter you wrote to her saying how you wanted to rub yourself against her and sleep with her. She had gone and totally invaded my privacy and never said one word about it. That made me feel terrible, I just wanted to climb under the seat I waz sitting in in the van and go right under it or just totally evaporate into thin air and disappear. She said so that didn’t have anything to do with being a lesbian and I said no. It made me so angry and I just felt so violated from her having read that letter. That letter waz for only Melissa’z and my eyez. It’z not fair the way shez always like that to me, shez not like that with any of her other children. I kind of wanted to slap her for it. I didn’t eat anything for a few dayz because I felt so bad of her having done that to me and just everything because I felt like Melissa no longer cared anything about me and just other stuff. A lot of thingz were circulating in my head and I felt incredibly nauscious and stupid, so I ended up taking eight Coricidin cold and cough and where I hadn’t really ate anything but some sweet tartz and strawberries that entire day it went straight to my head and made me feel incredibly fucking high. I watched American Psycho that night and kept just kind of floating. Everything seemz so much better when I’m high like that, it’s a grrreat movie by the way if you’ve never seen it. Then I came down here to my room because I fell asleep around nine something and got bak up at around eleven something I waz feeling really bad and just hiding down here on my futon, mom came down here to hook that RF modulator up and bugging me and I could barely look at her because she had made me feel so inferior and worthless. She lovez to make me feel like that. Anyayz, after watching American Psycho, I came back down here and watched the Four Featherz because we had went and rented that from Video Warehouse where Blockbuster had had nothing at all in stock that night. I thought it waz an awesome movie of course I majorly love Heath Ledger so shrugz. Everyone else I live with who watched it hated it, I think the thing iz to like it it takez an individual having an open mind something only I have around here. Eih she had gotten me like thiz picture of two Siberian tigerz too from Big Lotz that day it haz a mommy tiger and a baby tiger it made me think of that poster Don told me about that one night he haz of the tigerz mrow I love tigerz tooooo much. I’d LOVE to have a Siberian tiger az a pet. They’re so beautiful. Shyeah I remember after watching the Four Featherz that night I just basically passed out from having the Coricidin in my system and I didn’t wake up until like around eight pm the next night. Thingz weren’t much better than I had been wanting to see One Hour Photo but they didn’t have it either night any where so I had to wait a while to rent that, and then I never watched it. My mom said it waznt any good, then again obviously I have much better taste than she doez and who knowz I might have liked it. Shrugz ohhhh wellz. Saturday night I think I got fucked up on Coricidin again and watched Sweet Home Alabama. Fun fun. Can’t remember if I did Coricidin Sunday night more than likely I did who knowz, that night I watched Seven with Brad Pitt droolz. That’z one hell of a movie. Hmm then I did Coricidin for the next couple of dayz to get by, then on Wednesday I remember we went a couple of placez I think mainly we went to the library I had to renew the bookz I have out, uhm mom looked for some bookz to do her KFAZ or something like that some stupid paperz for werk. Then we had to go pick Becky up from practice or something don’t really remember and I think we had to go to Searz to take her camcorder in don’t really remember a whole lot thingz were okay then az far az my home life goez that iz. I waz just mega lonely and sad and wanted someone to love me az if that one will ever happen. Sighz I had Nick bugging the hell out of me to let him come over here and have anal sex with me and I just had to keep turning him down because I just don’t want just sex with anyone any more I don’t find it appealing I need more than that. Then all I can really remember about the Thursday after that waz going to Blockbuster and renting My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Rocky Horror Picture show it waz some day I rented those I never watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding and with the way I had been so depressed lately I thought that maybe getting RHPS might make me feel better, since sometimez watching that iz one thing that makez me feel a lot better. But nah I couldn’t keep concentration to even watch it all the way through once, I ended up only watching my favorite partz of it. I think it might have been Tuesday of that week that my sister Sherry took us all down to the Fayette mall I wanted to go buy RHPS but I couldn’t find the gift certificate my sister had gave me for Christmas for the Fayette mall where my mom had done something weird with it. It finally turned up a few dayz later I had felt for certain someone had stolen it and just taken it off. Later on that week I had been planning on playing DDR, so I hooked my play station up with everything, but I couldn’t find the adapter cord that goez to the bak of my old ass tv. I’m pretty certain that someone did take that, because after I moved into my new room I had been searching and searching for my Poe-Hello cd and I could never find it and I’m pretty sure I had left it inside the play station, yet when I looked it waz not there. It still haz yet to turn up too. Ohhhh yeah, also a few dayz after Melissa came bak I stopped being such a pussy and imed her on AiM saying how I felt and what I thought and I found out that I had been wrong she and I had both just been busy and not really catching the other at the right timez where Im hardly ever on here at a regular decent time. She and I still have a mega awesome great friendship ;p hmm my dadz wife and I started corresponding bak in forth with emailz a while bak, I’ll post the emailz that I wrote her here in a few minutez after I get done writing out everything else thatz been going on lately. Eih that weekend I started not eating and dancing and playing around with Brandonz old weightz entirely too much and I kept getting sick and throwing up, that Tuesday I got so sick I thought for sure I waznt going to end up making it. I think it haz partly to do with how I waznt eating and stuff and then how much Coricidin I have taken I’m pretty sure I have an ulcer or something again shrugZ. That Wednesday waz my sisterz birthday and when that hit the entire world just basically stopped for it. I waz mega looking forward to getting to go to Walmart and get some more Coricidin and stuff and just get out and get stuff, but that didn’t end up happening because of her turning sixteen that day she went to go take her permit test and failed the eye test part so we ended up stopping oru livez to basically go and get her contactz and glassez we drove all over Richmond looking for a place and no one here had anything so we went home for them to call placez in Lexington and thanx to little miss goody two shoez having to go to some stupid mentor thing at their church with my dad we didn’t get to do one fucking thing that day. Except I got fish that day, but guess what happened there? Thanx to my mother just basically running off on me and not helping me put the fish down into the aquarium, where I have no nailz to get that tight ass bag open I ended up killing them by not being able to see that I didn’t get them into the aquarium and three ended up dying on the dining room table. Sighz, I had to watch my monster friendz that night all alone, luckily they were extremely good for me that night and basically went straight to sleep until my mother finally came home from doing everything for the brat, running her out to the church and then going to the store. I waz so mad because she hadn’t taken me anywhere or let me do anything all day and I made myself basically stay up for an entire twenty four hourz just to get to go into town with her. It made me really angry that I’d stayed up all that time for nothing and just started kind of going off wanting to lunge out. Sighz and then she just waz bitchy and I ended up just crying and running down to my room slamming the door locking the door and hiding. It just made me so mad how everything always revolvez around their livez and they never once think about me. So then I went up there and ate and then just came bak down here and fell straight to sleep because I waz dead exhausted. The next day I got up and we went to Blockbuster and I rented One Hour Photo, Tuck Ever Lasting and Mallratz. I never watched One Hour Photo. I didn’t watch Tuck Ever Lasting until like Friday night and it majorly sucked. Let’z see then we went to Walmart for a while and I got some watermelon, some stickerz, some other stuff don’t really remember what all I ended up getting. Then we went and got Becky took her to take her permit test again and she got it that time. Then we went and tried to get my fish replaced, but they didn’t have any more of the type of shark I had got and they wouldn’t do it any way. So my mom ended up buying two little spotted like type of fish that eat the sediment and algae of the aquarium and we put those in, I’d have to wait until Monday to get any real fish. So then we got in another argument because I waz mega disappointed and it honestly to me waz her fault because she just drove off leaving me there to do everything. Of course she never saw it that way, and of course blamed it all on me what else? So then we got in and she started making me feel awful again and we went and got some food by then I just didn’t care any more and ate whatever the fuck I wanted. Then we went home and I came down here and fell asleep. Friday I already said what I did. Then Saturday morning I watched Home Friez and then that night I got fucked up on Coricidin. I got fucked up on Friday night too with it. Let’z see then on Sunday I watched Mallratz that’z a grrreat movie. Then Monday mom waz still being a complete bitch and just bitching at me and she stayed on the phone for like ever calling about home equity loanz and then we left and like went to Walmart I got some Nyquil pillz and uhm don’t remember if I got anything else that day at Walmart ohhhh yeah we bought a cat collar with little bellz and a tiger design for Cinnamon. We had went to Kmart earlier where they’re going out of business and I ended up getting two unicorn posterz and a silver shirt. Then we went and got my fish I got two dalmation mollyz a female and a male. But guess what ended up happening again? I couldn’t properly open the bag where my mom waz mega sick that day she never would come in and help me and my bitchy sister Amber who waz sitting right beside there with her fat butt glued to the compuker watching me do it didn’t help me. So I ended up killing the female sighz thiz time they both went into the aquarium she must just not have got enough oxygen going in there. So then my mom started making me feel incredibly bad for killing her and started making fun of how poorly I can’t see and I started bawling and she got even more bitchy and just told me to shut up that it waz my fault. So I went over to the cutlery drawer and started looking for my favorite knife it waznt in there so I went and got it out ot the dishwasher and walked downstairz to my room they were ordering pizza but at that time I could have fucking cared less. For once Amber’z fat ass wasn’t on the compuker so I got on here for a while and ended up talking to Jon and Andrew two of my best guy friendz and they ended up helping make me feel better. Andrew told me he’d been having a lot of trouble with hiz mom lately too and knew exactly what I waz going through and we ended up talking about love relationshipz bull shit like that and he asked me to go out with him I said yes but I think he waz just messing with my head and wanting to make me feel better, where I said I should become a lesbian where I’m probably never going to find a guy who would want me for more than sex. Sighz. Jon and I have been becoming mega close he’z a really grrreat guy I wove him to death. He’z always there for me and will always listen he’z my Tatu boiy ;p heh. Sighz I ended up like scratching most of the cdz I had burned last week so I need to try and get mom to set up the old compuker some time thiz weekend so I can reburn them I just hope itz not too fucked up ;/ sighz. Then Tuesday mom waz a mega bitch and had to have the house cleaned she claimz she asked me to help, but I know she never did. She bitched at me for having to clean the bathroom and where I’d been incredibly sick last week I had thrown up a lot and not very well sighz. So I hid down here with Cinnamon feeling mega terrible. Then later on we went to Walmart and I went and found my favorite food lol sweet tartz they’re the bunny, ducky, and chick kind for Easter. Then I picked out some other food stuff not that I’ve really been eating my main thingz have been the sweet tartz and diet sodaz I got. Let’z see I went and got a bunch of Coricidin cold and cough pillz. I hadn’t really had anything to drink like all day so I got myself a twenty ounce diet mountain dew and mom a twenty ounce diet pepsi when we got to the car with everything I drank mine in like two minutez. We then went over to Kmart and she had to look for some stuff to fix the sink with, but she had forgot to bring the receipt that gave her ten more percent off of everything so she hid it all and we were going to go get my fish replaced and then go home to get it. They actually replaced it thiz time, but mom said that the lady waz kind of rude about it. Then we went home and thiz time since I waz going bak with her to go bak to Kmart because I needed to look and see if they had framez for my posterz where they’re like ten dollarz at Walmart. So Amber took it out, where I set a timer on the stove for her. Then we went bak to Kmart and I ended up getting two bookz, a really cute suede and sheep skin coat, earringz where I needed a new set for my cartilage holez, some tone moisturizing really good smelling body wash, a blue glitter lava lamp I have two lava lampz in my room now blue and purple. I think that’z all I ended up getting I can’t really remember. Then we came home and checked on the fish and mom made dinner still being mega grouchy, uhm and I waz pretty tired. The male fish seemed to want the female fish lol He waz mega aggressive to her when we fed them he kept chasing her off. Yesterday evening when I fed them he didn’t do it, so it seemz like he likez her more hez still chasing her tho lol. I have two dalmation mollyz, a coolie leech and the two feeder fish. I named the mollyz Vivica and Patrick the coolie leech iz Snakey because hez green and lookz and actz like a real snake, the two feederz are Euphoria and Felix. Sighz yeah I’ve had a lot going on lately. LoL Jon sent me like thiz survey thingy to feel out on yourself so I filled that out and sent it to everyone and went through all the forwardz everyone had sent me I only sent like two or three of those one waz like thiz other little survey where people state what they think of you so far I’ve had like Christina, Joey and Don send it bak to me lol I waz like reading the answerz Don put on there I’m wondering what kind of dream he had about me and why he thinkz about me offline poor guy LOL.mrow shyeah I haven’t really talked to him for a while where I’m never really on here and I don’t want to call him because I feel like I’d be bugging him and I hate bugging people sighz plus I’m really not in the mood to play chase and catch with anyone I figure if they want to talk to me they’ll come to me shrugZ Shyeah Joey said he’d had a dream about me too LOL. Mrow EVERYONE putz that I’m short whinez lol. I’m not that short am I? Mrow eih I don’t think so so ;p shyeah I haven’t talked to Josh lately any way and when I do it seemz like he’z busy and doesn’t want to put up with my psychotic bitchy little self. I probably pissed him off in some way or something sighz ohhhh wellz I’m not going to let myself worry over people it’s not worth the strain I haven’t seen Adam lately either and I’m kind of worried about that since the last timez we talked he waz majorly talking about suicide I’d feel awful if he weren’t alive he’z one of the nicest and kewlest people I know. Sighz. I got an email bak from Julie smilez so I wrote her bak and hope she’ll write bak again so I find out what’z going on with her. Jillyz meeting Moni like thiz Sunday lol lucky Jilly ;p hmm haven’t really talked to Deen all that much lately nor Joykinz ohhhh mahn it waz weird the other day Jamie actually imed me I thought she and Megan like hated me. We talked for a while the twinz are kewl people. ahhh well I’m going to post those emailz now and then leave woah I’ve almost got the full Tatu album dled ;p

Heiy youre welcome my mom said that if where I didn't think the centerpiece waz like mega awfully decorative she said that you were really supposed to take flowerz to center around it I don't know maybe it waz just me in thinking it needed something extra. shyeah I LOVE going to that place where I got Dad'z lighthouse thingy they usually have really good stuff of PiXy'z when I bought that for him I got a little ceramic fairy sitting on a unicorn and a ceramic leopard i think they were only like four or five dollarz a piece and then we were about to leave that day and my mom spoteed a pink poodle beanie stuffed animal so I had to get that too I have a thing for stuffed animalz my closet floorz kinda stuffed with them. hmm I got my hair colored last Friday I need to find some kind of shampoo and conditioner thatz really good for it where the lady who ownz that place in Berea said most like stuff you buy at just like grocery storez are loaded in salt and thatz why they sud so well. I waz wondering where I saw a commercial for that stuff they just brought out by Dove would b the same way I can't wash my hair until I find something because the color will totally just come out ;/ I've had thiz kind of stuff on my hair before when i waz spending time with Melissa maybe it came out really quickly then too because I hadn't really ever had my hair done dye wise that much. She'd had herz done a LOT of timez and herz stayed in pretty well and for a long period without fading unlike mine. Of course where my hair iz naturally red and herz iz naturally brown my red streakz looked better ohhh wellz. hmm yeah I found my playhouse like uhmmm hmmm playbill i think itz called a few weekz bak when looking for folderz i need to see if that address iz in there. I met with that guy from the blind place last Friday too I think that guyz a bit funny to b quite honest, but shyeah I made an appt to go meet with the other lady whoz in charge of it when she comez to richmond on the 18th i waz supposed to call and get an appt with the om today but i never got up til after five shrugz ill try and get up earlier tom and do it. anyayz, hope you and dad are doing well with the weather I HATE it! lol anyayz thanx for the e-mail Heather

Yeah I can't ermember what or who did the silk flowerz thing I think I either saw it when watching some famous woman'z intimate portrait on Lifetime or a Wedding Story on TLC where they used silk flowerz instead of real flowerz I had never thought of that one before and liked the idea of being able to actually keep the flowerz a lot better. I dunno I'm kind of nervous about that appointment I'm really hoping she won't be at all like the last lady I saw for their dept she waz an incredibly rude lady who only knew her way around bookz and iz retired now but she really upset me and had me crying for at least a good forty five minutez. so shyeah im just a bit nervous about any of those typez of thingz after that experience. hmmm yeah we found something we had to get infusium 23 everything else at walmart had sodium in it and it waz really bad mom had to ask the cashier to look lol where she and I are basically blind without glassez. and me even so with them. hmmm yeah me and Becky called Mammie and Pop last night and talked to them about various thingz they seem to b doing pretty well. I wish they would finally come down here to live so we could see them more oftenly. hmmm yeah i havent been to a movie since dad took us to see sweet home alabama at the theatre im used to renting them so much any more. shrugz but nah not really needing anything right now im pretty good at taking care of that stuff myself ;p talk to you all later

hmmm Well we went there to meet that woman today but she never showed up and never called to let us know that she wouldn't be coming that waz rather strange we called the person in Louisville and the guy who waz here at my house that helped set it up so I don't know have to wait and find out what happened there. hmm yeah I really liked that infusium stuff it makez my hair really mega soft. mmm yeah i know I think Mammie and Pop should just find whateverz somehwat near to what they have now and just move down here even if they didnt have az much space itd b a lot more convenient for them. I dont know I guess they'll just do whatever they want to do I know how that iz. hmmm yeah I'm sure I can wait to get that itz almost dadz bday what are you all doing for that? mm I'm pretty tired lately I think I may have a kidney infection or something and yeah Itz been extremely wayyyyyyy too cold lately I'm looking forward to it majorly warming up any time soon and the snow not coming bak I'm really tired of being cold. anyayz guess I'll talk to ya laterZ

soundz like an interesting dinner but to be honest I've kind of gone bak to my near vegitarianism with only really consuming turkey and chicken sighz yeah mom gave me some kind of sulpher like stuff to take that should last for around a four day regiment thiz haz been one really weird week for me and not a whole lot'z felt anywhere but at the closeest everythingz just been down right queer. my mom took beckyz dog bak to where she got it from without even telling her and it kinda makez me angry she should have consulted becky first but shez alwayz been like that with our animalz shed get rid of my dog too if she knew better than the condition he'd die without me where we're basically attached at the hip. just the way she doez thingz really getz on my nervez and aggravatez me to death ive been trying to basically ignore her and stay downstairz she actz like a spoiled prina donna for the most part and im in no mood to put up with her and amberz crap. ive been trying my best to get my mom to go meet that boiyfriend of amberz but she wouldnt do it she knowz that hez not the greatest person for amber to be associating herself with and just the way i get treated at all costz really getz me out of it i just try my best to ignore it and act az if theyre not there but eih cant alwayz get through to that state. I've been reading thiz book by V.C. Andrewz that I picked up from the library one day called "the Wildflowerz"therez a saying in it that honestly remindz me of myself quite a bit az of I feel I'm an OWP Orphan with Parentz. I guess they just weren't prepared for the notion of child raising when they brought me into thiz world even tho they both i guess have done the best they can i just feel i get treated differently for being a paler shade of white and very different from anyone else im related to. I kind of miss the time when I waz around fifteen before she and my father basically soiled and desecrated all the dreamz I had that filled my head that I used to be able to wander off into the abyss of it all to avoid dealing with them and thinking that some day when it all happened that everything would be fine I just don't have that to look for any more and I find myself quite destructive sighz sorry for being so depressing with thiz email I just really dont have anyone to talk to any more since most of the people I once waz immensely attached to have gone and abandoned me and we've become strangerz thanx for listening Heather

Oh I do a feel a lot better the main thing that waz bothering me when I wrote that email waz I felt like I'd totally lost Melissa when in fact that waz pretty far from the truth and I just didn't know it at the time I have the ability not to think clearly at timez and just let my emotionz control my thoughtz more than anything else and at the time they were taking over but me and she talked tonight and we're both going through a lot of the same thingz with our motherz they both yell at us constantly for asking simple questionz and itz not that mom and I don't get along itz quite the opposite itz just that I guess at timez she lookz at me az a freaking common imbecile when she feelz shez around the people of her high society life *Donnie, Sherry and Scott etc* and thatz when I become less important and I just can't stand the way she actz like a frigid snow queen of a snob. who lookz at me with eyez od disdain because I'm in the way of her and that person going off into their own little world of rondevous whoever you spell that word lol but when she an I are alone we are very very close. But I found out something about her that I just couldn't stand that night on Friday where she had read a very, very personal letter that waz intended for mine and Melissa'z eyez only because it expressed a lot of the feelingz I feel for her and my mother invaded my privacy and read that letter and told I'm pretty sure Dad or gave him some kind of idea of the content of my relationship with Mel and it kind of makez me angry because it iz honestly mine and Melissa'z business and it makez me angry because she doeznt do thiz to her other children she doeznt treat them like common slavez who she haz no respect for even though she doez talk down to them at timez they still get better treatment and I honestly feel my mother lookz at me az a lesbian and a slut for making the mistakez I have of not believing in love which I still don't and having physical relationshipz believing it would downsize the pain of my lossez when it came to that endearing term of love which I later proved to myself wrong but she comparez me at several pointz to Brandon and so haz my father thatz one thing about each of them I have never been able to stand and then she compared Amberz lying to my own when I wouldnt tell her about my relationship when I waz at the age of nineteen and a consenting adult paying rent to the woman, when my half brother had a conceived not by him pregnant lady living in our basement sleeping together just the way they don't really understand annoyz me and the way they don't want to understand and push me away by just pushign blame on me and telling me I act stupid I can't take that at pointz. And yes I have very good memoriez of Mammie and Pop theyre probably the people in my family I''m the closeset to a lot of the time any more I feel like theyre the only onez who believe in me doing anything. and to be quite honest I'm not exactly smart enough to be involved in college. I completely failed my ACT and placement testing at Eastern. eih I guess my goal right now of anything iz to get my body back to being in somewhat perfect condition and yeah my kidneyz are a bit better from probably drinking so much water I've had to have to have after dancing for a good twenty hard minutez each night and a good fifteen minutez playing with the old weighz of brandonz I have some kind of discharage though so mom enocuraged me to make an appt for the doctor so Im going to see the PA at Gina Landz office my gyn on Thursday just to make sure everythingz fine. Yeah I've been reminding her of Beckyz bday I'll probably have to get up and make sure to get her to go and get Becky a great present and either bake or buy her a bday cake. Yeah I met the puppy I found him to be adorable and he sat on my lap for a few minutez just incredibly shaking and yeah hez still named Shadow I've been encouraging it because he haz the disposition of a Shadow he runz and hidez under Amberz bed I tried for a great deal of time to get him to come out but he waz just too scared. he and Cinnamon were afraid of each other Cinnamonz doing pretty well hez been acting a bit weird since Shadow came over here hez prolly adjusting he likez to sniff hiz scent for a great deal of time if i get it on my handz or clothing and hez licked me to death all day for an odd reason. he needz to go to the groomer when I get paid next week I intend to take him over there to Judy'z and get it done. He remindz me a lot of myself Shadow that iz Cinnamon doez too then again he got most of my personality from me having him since he waz nine monthz old. Yeah I guess everythingz all right with Amber I just want her to make sure that shez not going to have someone end up using her for anything and not let herself get into trouble because itz honestly not worth the effort for any male to have that happen.To be honest az weird az it seemz az much az you'd think Amber would have more of a mind of her own I think Becky haz more of one she can make up her own decisionz and just doeznt let anyone really talk her into thingz. I think Amberz honestly more vulnerable in that area. Becky just likez to listen to propaganda. And yeah my parentz got divorced at nine and at timez yeah it waz hard on me because my mother never seemed to want me and I waz thinking a lot the other morning and totally understood Brandon understood why he didnt stop drinking he wanted her attention more than anything, Thatz probably the only way he felt he could get it from her waz if he drank himself to death so she would have to pay attention to the violence, I probably never will totally understand my mother I greatly believe she'z bi polar. Let'z see what began around the age I turned fifteen I think they honestly remarrid around that time, I can't remember the exact year it happened, But that waz the year she totally moved me away from my best friend Christina and I hardly ever got to see her a whole lot and thingz just got really out of hand itz one of the timez I started becoming more or less uhm in a near anorexic state I ate very little all the time and I'd walk at least two milez every night around that huge circle where we used to live, It waz such a better neighborhood and when I came over here I had to readjust to a lot of people who weren't anything at all like the other people i used to ride the bus with I no longer had Christina to sit around on the bus and not get bothered, Then my parentz mom and dad both started up when we came to own thiz old black lab who died of cancer from these people down the road to shove me together with thiz redneck of a person who liked me or something and waznt my type, Just a whole lot of thingz happened, Yeah the thingz were hard with me and Brandon my mother blamed that on me and treated me like I waz a leper for a long time, and tellz me to grow up whenever I remention it because I haven't let it go I forgive Brandon for all that he waz just young and probably stupid but yeah it waz a bit hard for me to forget for a long time especially like around thiz time last year when I used to think I had a demon inside of my head and one who waz watching me and I'd keep having thoughtz of Gumby a thing Brandon had scared the hell out of me with az a child and not being really afraid of Gumby if you can understand but afraid of the evil I could feel in those thoughtz, And it just finally went away and I guess I overcame them because I don't feel that any more I stopped feeling it probably around the time Brandon came bak here, So I dunno I never told my mom that I kept hearing that word Gumby in my head and thinking of Brandon when I'd think of that demon I'd even have dreamz of stuff about it at timez I knew she'd sit there and tell me to get over it because she alwayz did and thought it waz so funny I waz afraid of a little stick mahn made out of clay. I don't know maybe it waz a demon the whole time that made me afraid of that because Brandon used to say that word to me and look at me with the most devilishly demon like eyez. It went away for a few yearz probably around the time I finally turned I think eleven or twelve can't really remember it waz after the time I'd became saved in a church I know that. It didn't come back for some time. But yeah around the age of fifteen waz when I really fell into the darkest corner of all of my world'z abyss and I started trying my best to die. I don't really remember pursuing that issue at fifteen az hard az i did at seventeen but yeah thatz around the time i started taking knivez out and just stuff. I later two yearz later picked up overdosing on pain killerz and my mom never knew it she never noticed until I had told her what I'd done after ten timez of already having done it and she didn't care that I waz in that kind of state she just blamd me for being so stupid and retarded and mentally ill when it waz honestly a lot of the time her fault because from the time of fifteen and even younger my mom and I had fought and fought and she had hit me with her leather beltz that would come out of her closet several timez and sometimez hit me in the mouth I can't remember at what age it waz that she struck me the first time my dad waz thiz French/Canadian womanwho had an ex husband following her and she had two daughterz I remember it waz the night we my mom and everyone but my dad were going to Myrtle Beach and she waz treating me in that insolent act of herz and I shouted the word bitch at her and she hit me across the mouth I remember running out of that house and running up to that ladyz house to find my daddy. Her eyez got really wide when I came to the door because I waz bleeding where mom had torn the skin of my lipz. But yeah I sometimez used to overdose when she and I would fight over thingz like the phonebill, my gradez, the way I acted, etc and would bring out that leather whip and hit me across whatever she could strike usually me legz and back. I remember one time at that age of seventeen I went to school with around probably sixty ib profen in me and she must have been able to tell something waz wrong I waz shaking the whole time she took me to my school that morning and I passed out in the library the place I'd alwayz go because I skipped lunch where i never ate at skewl, and having one of the student aidz coming over and waking me up to tell me the bell had rang and I walked back up to my class fifteen minz late we had a substitute for that class so nothing happened and we were watching Gone with the Wind for that media class and Ijust totally passed back out on the desk then the next period my english class the teacher I had was so monotonous and boring that I kept going in and out and at the last five or ten minutez I finally couldnt hold myself any longer and threw up a little on the floor and covered up when someone finally noticed there waz something on the floor by letting them assume it waz a soft drink and then I went home and threw up all over myself on the bus where I got so sick from that, She found out after I told her from her taking me to the doctor where i'd throw up so much all the time back then and I told her I did it because of that and she didn't take any of the blame saying it waz my fault if I were stupid enough to do that from her. sighz yeah I kinda alwayz avoided my dad because he and I never got along at the time from being around eleven or twelve to fifteen hed get angry and shout vicious namez at me and it'd hurt me really bad so I refused to have anything to do with him because he'd pushed me away so far, He never understood he'd alwayz lash out at me and tell me to do what he wanted or else like that day after Christmas thiz year and I couldnt take that and Id usually burst into tearz so he'd provoke me even more til i got hysterical wanting to blame it az a mental problem iz what he alwayz did and I alwayz scrame to go home but I never could. At that time I wazn't strong enough like now just to think of something and continuously block the rest of the stuff out of my head. It'z like in that book I told you about too each character can't bring themselves to feel the putrid state of hatred for any of their parentz and they don't want to either and that'z how I feel, it'z just so hard to like them at timez. Kind of like it'z hard to face yourself at timez. Hmm yeah mom sayz I'm an awful lot like Dad and I think Amberz completely like my mother Becky iz exactly like Sherry and I'd say I probably match up with Brandon or Michelle the most. prolly Michelle. I guess maybe one day it'll all fall into place why I waz stuck with az Sherry said it a different personality from mine with each person.

Yeah well I dunno my mom knowz for a fact that I am very talented in the way I write and encouragez me more than anything to go to college I don't think it'z really that she thinkz I'm a failure she just thinkz that I'm a very loose person and a bit mentally insane. Yeah I guess they've alwayz kind of seperated me from my other siblingz for one thing because of my eye conditionz. That and the fact that unlike any of their other children I had other health problemz shrugz yeah it haznt been the greatest day I don't know if I overdid it again dancing the way I do or if it'z where when I do overdo it and get really overheated it aggravatez the birth control because I basically vomited almost all day and passed out from it I kind of ended up not being able to get up and throwing up on my sleeping bag I seriously need to wash it even though my dog waz majorly sick and had to try and eat it at it. I don't exactly know what iz wrong with my body'z system but it seemz that just some monthz I get to thiz point where I can't keep thingz down at all without throwing it bak up and then continuously just gagging and having vile of that medicine come back up. We've gone to the doctor and told her how it makez me deathly ill but she alwayz sayz to take them any way and just triez to change the type of the birth control but it seemz every type haz made me sick even wearing those patchez, shyeah I dunno my vocabulaty haz came bak into my head a lot lately, it sometimez disappearz and I wonder why that iz And when my mom actz that way itz not just with me itz with Becky and Amber too and shez been that way with even Brandon itz kind of like she just seez her children az burdenz keeping her from the person she wantz full attention of because they're entirely more important in her eyez at that time. I think she honestly just haz really bad control issuez I know I've had both of them of my parentz az i've looked at relationshipz I've seen how I've been told well dad used to tell me I'd let some man control me which haz never honestly happened but yeah she definitely just doez whatever she thinkz Donnie wantz of her and that kind of disgustz me because she should be more of her own person and just can't be. I kind of think that botherz her. I know that she should have never had children because she can't deal with the thing of having to work a full time job and keep a household in order too she complainz and iz constantly tired and wantz to make it our faultz I don't know maybe I'm just too over emotional but yeah I've thought of going to college and becomg a writer at novelz and journalism and stuff and then I'd love to minor in zoology and stuff. I've been waiting for that retarded lately from the office of Lexington'z dept of the blind to call with her explanation but we haven't heard anything I don't know if their phone iz still down or what I'll probably remind myself of that and try and make a call tomorrow to see what'z been going on in that district. Yeah Becky brought me some info on the ACT testing I really need to try and retake it again before I do anything of registering to Eastern where I already took the placement testing there and they won't let a person retate it. So right now if I were to just register I'd have to take like uhmm I forget what their called of those classez the onez that are like simpler ohh yeah remedial coursez for English and Math being az Math iz my worse subject and at the time I had never been taught how to do a real essay. Yeah the girlz didn't have school today so they sat around on the computer and watching tv I hope they had fun today I waz either being sick or passed out so I didn't really get to visit with them much. I played with Shadow a bit earlier he sure iz frisky when he'z not being scared. he doeznt have a whole lot of fur on hiz tummy thatz kind of abnormal and he'z so ticklish but likez to just lay there and have hiz stomach scratched. LOL wow me and Dad must think an awful lot a like I wanted to tell mom to go get her an ice cream cake for her birth day we're going to pick her up sometime from school tomorrow afternoon and take her to get her permit. I really need to ertake mine but I kind avoid doing it because I see it az pointless except for having an id. I use that if writing checkz altho mom writez most of mine she told that man who came to see me how helpless I waz because I do that I do that because she handlez most of my money any way and I never have my id with me Yeah I have to find something of a container to put some of the water in the aquarium I have to take to animal house to have it tested tomorrow and see if it waz the water like if it waz contaminated water or what so that I can get more fish. They're not open on Sunday so we couldn't do it then. Yeah Becky won't tell mom anything she wantz either she'z being weird about it, She'z kind of alwayz like that thinking if I don't need it why get it, I think that'z kind of ridiculous not getting thingz you just want every now and again. I used to kind of be like that but after a while mom made me really tired of that and I wanted to just get whatever I wanted because I knew if I didn't what waz the point of havign money? yeah it waz a pretty long e-mail I usually don't write that much to any oner person sorry. hmm don't know when you all are seeing Becky for her birthday maybe I'll see you then Heather

Really yeah Id love to see Mammie and Pop for a while itz been quite some time since I've seen them. Eih if I'm actually not completely dead thiz weekend yeah I wouldnt mind to come over and visit with them. Yeah I guess thingz just work the way they do i'll probably never really know

Letz see well after last Wednesday and the hell I went through I got tired of doing anything and quit doing my routinez for a while I'll probably start bak up with it shrugz I dont know Im so tired any more and Ive been getting such bad head achez and not feeling well quite a bit yeah the world stopped for Becky on her birth day over here so im sure she loved it all. my motherz been an extreme bitch probably since the day of Rebecca'z birthday shez been intolerable and Im thinking very harshly of leaving for Melissa again I need a break from thiz hell hole and I dont know of anyone else whod accept me with open armz Im tired of having to put up with my mother and the way she putz me down belittlez me and just ridiculez me she made fun of my bad eye sight yesterday and I really wanted to slap her more than anything she made me feel awful for not getting the fish out right both thiz time and on Rebeccaz bday where she refusez to stop being lazy and come help me do it thiz time amber put it in so it waz fine but i killed four of them and felt awful I started crying last night and she just told me to shut my mouth so sighz I ended up doing something I probably shouldnt have but have known all the previous eventz of those past five dayz had been leading up to it so I took out my favorite sharp object and made a small scratch upon my wrist because she just arguez with me over everything and doeznt listen and it makez me feel terrible and then she just letz Amber jump all over me and do her best to make me feel inferior and a lot of the time I just can't take it it'z the reason I started to pick up taking benedryl and other thingz close enough to narcoticz about a year ago. sighz she just haz problemz with me To answer your questionz no I cant play the electric guitar at all I wish I could and knew exactly what each little chord thing meant so I could pick it up and have the ability to play the tabz that they have on the site for Jack off Jill probably my most favorite band any more. Yeah my dvd/vrc dual comboz hooked up we had to go all the way to Winchester to get a RF modulator but it werkz really great it wont werk properly if you dont have the plugz in properly unlike a regular vcr or something where you know itz not plugged in right and just not the machine itll play without sound if you dont have them hooked correctly to the bak of the tv or combo machine. itz a great machine tho id have to say definitely worth the money. a lot easier than having both like one on top of the other there yeah I love shorty to death I talk to her a lot whenever I can and get the chance. yeah we had Becky drive Brandonz old car today that waz incredibly scary shez terrible at it someone really needz to werk with her she cant turn curvez doeznt know how to turn honestly at all. shyeah well if I go to college for the dept of the blind thing i have to b full time and keep a c average shrugz I havent heard from that lady tho id say their phonez have still been down ive been too occupied with having my mother never shut up the last two dayz i havent thought much about it and no act testingz not going well at all i have the feeling im an add individual i cant stay attentive to more than five to ten questionz and if itz too long then i wont want to read it shrugz i get that way with a lot of thingz and mega dependz on my mood. shrugz i dunno maybe thingzll change ill talk to ya later

well that’z everything so I’m going to get off of here and go watch Passionz laterZ

Wicked Ways

I tried hard to mend my wicked ways Acted like a lunatic for years Lord knows I try to be good I'd keep my promises if only I could You count your blessings that I can't rely on you

And I tried And I tried And I tried And I tried

Clutch your pictures of the Pope Pray to God for love and hope Bring the virgin home for luck Bolt the door to keep it shut

I've done things I never thought I'd do Sure it helps to lose myself in you A little time and I'll be all right C'mon Sugar, let's go out tonight Forgive your trespasses and all that we've been through

And I tried And I tried And I tried And I tried

Clutch your pictures of the Pope Pray to God for love and hope Bring the virgin home for luck Bolt the door to keep it shut

That sinking feeling When you are leaving All I believe in Walks out the door

I tried hard to mend my wicked ways The damage done and nothing left to save And I tried and I tried

Clutch your pictures of the Pope (Just like I told you) Pray to God for love and hope (Just like I warned you) Bring the virgin home for luck (Just like I told you) Bolt the door to keep it shut (Just like I warned you)

-Garbage

Sleep Together

I got you crawling up a mountain Hanging round my neck I got you twisted around my finger Crawling round my legs The emptiness The craziness Satisfy my hungriness Darling how would it feel?

If we sleep together Will you like me better? If we cum together We'll go down forever If we sleep together Will I like you better? If we cum together Prove it now or never

Make me a pretty person Make me feel like I belong Make me hard and make me happy Make me beautiful The emptiness The craziness Satisfy this loneliness Darling how would it feel?

If we sleep together Will you like me better? If we cum together We'll go down forever If we sleep together Will I like you better? If we cum together Prove it now or never

If we sleep together (Nothing satisfies me baby) If we sleep together (I'll wear something pretty baby) If we sleep together (Give me what I crave now baby) If we sleep together (You will drive me crazy baby) If we sleep together (Save the rest for later baby) If we sleep together (I save it all for you my baby) If we sleep together

-Garbage

Dumb

I never claimed to be your savior I said I had a dirty mouth Stop analyzing my behavior If you're too dumb to work it out

I've got to keep myself together You know how I hate to disappoint A masochistic lamb to slaughter Maybe you've missed the point

I'm feeling small I'm climbing the walls I don't let it show

Now that you know what you know I bet you wish that it would go You'll never come sucking your thumb Better off dumb

Maybe I could write a letter To help me with my self-esteem You should get to know me better No one's ever what they seem

I'm feeling small Climbing the walls I don't let it show

Now that you know what you know I bet you wish that it would go You'll never come sucking your thumb Better off dumb

You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you mean to me You still don't know what to think of me You still don't know what you think of me

Now that you know what you know I bet you wish that it would go You'll never come sucking your thumb Better off dumb

Now that you know what you know You're going to reap what you sow Nothing will come sucking your thumb Better off dumb

You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you mean to me You still don't know what to think of me You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what you think of me You still don't know what I think of you You still don't know what you think of me

-Garbage

The Trick is to Keep Breathing

She's not the kind of girl Who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself She takes a little time In making up her mind She doesn't want to fight against the tide

Lately I'm not the only one I say never trust anyone Always the one who has to drag her down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

Can't bear to face the truth So sick he cannot move And when it hurts he takes it out on you

Lately I'm not the only one I say never trust anyone Always the one who has to drag her down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around

The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing

She knows the human heart And how to read the stars Now everything's about to fall apart

I won't be the one who's going to let you down Maybe you'll get what you want this time around (The trick is to keep breathing) I won't be the one who's going to let you down (The trick is to keep breathing) Maybe you'll get what you want this time around The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing The trick is to keep breathing

-Garbage

Push It

I was angry when I met you I think I'm angry still We can try and talk it over If you say you'll help me out

Don't worry baby No need to fight Don't worry baby We'll be alright

This is the noise that keeps me awake My head explodes and my body aches Push it, make the beats go harder Push it, make the beats go harder

Sorry that I hurt you Please don't ask me why I want to see you happy I want to see you shine

Don't worry baby Don't be uptight Don't worry baby We'll stay up all night

This is the noise that keeps me awake My head explodes and my body aches Push it, make the beats go harder Push it, make the beats go harder

Come on push it, you can do it Come on prove it, nothing to it Come on use it, lets get through it Come on push it, you can do it

Don't worry baby Don't be uptight Don't worry baby We'll stay up all night

This is the noise that keeps me awake My head explodes and my body aches Push it, make the beats go harder Push it, make the beats go harder (This is the noise that keeps me awake) Push it, make the beats go harder (My head explodes and my body aches) Push it, make the beats go harder (This is the noise that keeps me awake My head explodes and my body aches)

Don't worry baby We'll be alright Don't worry baby We'll be alright

Push it Push it Push it Push it

-Garbage

Hammering in my Head

I was stressed but you're freestyle I'm overworked but I'm undersexed I must be made of concrete I signed my name across your chest Give out the same old answers I trot them them out for the relatives Company tried and tested I use the ones that I love the best

Like an animal you're moving over me Like an animal you're moving over me

When did I get perverted I can't remember your name I'm growing introverted You touch my hand but it's not the same

This was so unexpected I never thought I'd get caught Play boomerang with your demons Shoot to kill and you'll pop them off (bang bang)

Like an animal you're moving over me Like an animal you're moving over me

You should be sleeping my love Tell me what you're dreaming of You should be sleeping my love Tell me what you're dreaming of

You should be sleeping my lover Tell me what you're dreaming of You should be sleeping my lover Tell me what you're dreaming of

I knew you were mine for the taking I knew you were mine for the taking Knew you were mine taking when I walked in the room I knew you were mine for the taking I knew you were mine for the taking Your eyes light up when I walk in the room

A hammering in my head don't stop in the bullet train From Tokyo to Los Angeles I'm leaving you behind A flash in the pan A storm in a teacup A needle in a haystack A prize for the winning A dead for the raising A catch for the chasing A jewel for the choosing A man for the making in this blistering heat

Sweat it all out Sweat it all out With your bedroom eyes and your baby pout Sweat it all out In our electric storms and our shifting sands and our candy jars and our sticky hands Sweat it all out Sweat it all out Sweat it all out Sweat it all out Sweat it all out Sweat it all out

Don't forget what I wrote you then And don't forget what I told you then And don't forget that I meant it when And don't forget your ventolin So hammering in my head don't stop In the bullet train from Tokyo to Los Angeles

-Garbage

Doez Thiz Sound like a mahn or what?

Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?

So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.

I stood out there in my underwear on a saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says "you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that." I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the kisser. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.

I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about because her voice was so shrill. She started crying when she saw the busted lip I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.

That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying "oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!" I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip. I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.

people have commended me for busting my neighbor's hip.

Special

I'm living without you But I know all about you I have run you down into the ground Spread disease about you over town I used to adore you I couldn't control you There was nothing that I wouldn't do To keep myself around and close to you

Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I've run out of patience I couldn't care less

I... I...

Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know

I used to amuse you But I knew that I'd lose you Now you're here and begging for a chance But there's no way in hell I'd take you back

Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special I thought you should know But I've run out of patience I've run out of comments I'm tired of the violence I couldn't care less

I'm looking for a new I'm looking for a new I'm looking for a new I'm looking for a new

You were the talk of the town You were the talk of the town You were the talk of the town You were the talk of the town

I thought you were special I thought you were special I thought you were special I thought you were special

-Garbage

Medication

I don't need an education And I learnt all I need from you They've got me on some medication My point of balance was askew It keeps my temperature from rising My blood is pumping through my veins

Somebody get me out of here I'm tearing at myself Nobody gives a damn about me Or anybody else

I wear myself out in the morning You're asleep when I get home Please don't call me self defending You know it cuts me to the bone Though it's really not surprising I hold a force I can't contain

Somebody get me out of here I'm tearing at myself Nobody gives a damn about me Or anybody else

And still you call me co-dependent Somehow you laid the blame on me Still you call me co-dependent Somehow you laid the blame on me

Somebody get me out of here I'm tearing at myself I've got to make a point these days to extricate myself

Somebody get me out of here I'm tearing at myself Nobody gives a damn about me Or anybody else

And still you call me co-dependent Somehow you laid the blame on me And still you call me co-dependent Somehow you laid the blame on me Somehow you laid the blame on me Somehow you laid the blame on me

-Garbage

When I Grow Up

Cut my tongue out, I've been caught out Like a giant juggernaut Happy hours, golden showers On a cruise to freak you out

We could fly a helicopter Nothing left to talk about Entertain you, celebrate you I'll be back to frame you

When I grow up I'll be stable When I grow up I'll turn the tables

Trying hard to fit among you Floating out to wonderland Unprotected, God I'm pregnant Damn the consequences

When I grow up I'll be stable When I grow up I'll turn the tables

Blood and blisters on my fingers Chaos rules when we're apart Watch my temper I go mental I'll try to be gentle

When I grow up I'll be stable When I grow up I'll turn the tables When I grow up When I grow up When I grow up I'll turn the tables

Don't take offence Can I make amends? Rip it up to shreds and let it go

Don't take offence Can I make amends? Rip it up to shreds and let it go

Rip it up to shreds and let it go Rip it up to shreds and let it go Rip it up in shreds and let it go

How you like it best, you let me know

-Garbage

Hating Nearly All Men

sighz I have not been having the greatest day today I didnt get up until like six something where I overdosed once again last night and am up to speed on fifty coricidin I've only got ten left ;/ I wrote an e-mail to Andrew early thiz morning about how I felt hmm see if I can find it and I'll post it. . .

heiy I know I waz really bad to talk to tonight but I have the feeling I'm only going to get worse I'm really sick of a lot of thingz mainly myself and I have the feeling I'm just going to get worse az thingz keep complicatedly looking more sullenly sighz I know you'd never begin to be able to understand because you probably don't hate your life and hate the way people just make you feel incredibly fucking out of it and just make you feel like your some sort of game or opponent to them. so I really hope you don't feel anything for me because I don't think lately I'd be good for anyone I feel like people can't handle the complicated matter of me being chronically depressed and just that I KNOW no one wantz to hear my depressed side that makez me angry and violent and sad and just out there so I'd say your best bet iz to forget you ever knew me since I don't want to have to go through with people who have to have me happy all the time and stuff and make me feel like i just cant say anything to them I can't do that one any more

I felt mega bad when I woke mom woke me up coz shed brought me stuff to eat from the outback where she and Donnie went to eat while I waz sleeping so for a while I didn't even attempt to get out of bed finally forced myself to get up feeling mega depressed sighz I started writing thiz thing I guess it waz last night about the way men treat women and the way I'm tired of it I ran into thiz asshole of a chauvinist on aohell while being on my other screen name thatz not silverfame and like he just basically said that women are here to entertain men I see that az pure bull shit every person waz created equally and no onez here to b someone'z toy of a little puppet to have their stringz pulled and be completely entertaining. I'm really getting sick of men. mrow then I talked to Andrew again tonight sighz and like eih he waz saying how I basically probably just needed someone to support me blah blah blah itz that yes indeed I do need that but I have plenty of people who are here for me and support me I need someone who wantz to give me more than that who listenz to everything of me and can REALLY love love me not just love me az a friend ya know? I'm tired of just ending up with people az friendz it'z getting to b quite annoying. I'm tired of feeling lonely and overdosing every fucking night because of it! mrow and then I talked to Don ugh he thinkz I'm attractive when I'm NOT. mrow and we talked about hiz wrestling rp read some of it I'm going to give that link to Jilly I think she'd like it ;) least I hope so. ohhh mahn we have had the spooky thing of the clock striking 11:11 twice now mrow I find that a bit weird lol I've been told long ago you're supposed to make a wish if you see that time on a clock i dunno superstition shrugz. lol I should meet him just to prove him wrong that I'm not attractive ;p mrow let'z see I talked to Joy and Jonah and Deen for a bit sighz I haven't seen Adam for a while I'm kind of worried about him. Wondering if Katie got to go see Hanz today sighz I just wish thingz would change ya know? I know they more than likely never will and I'll keep feeding myself coricidin until I did ;/

If You Were Here

If you were here I know that you would Truly be amazed At what's become of what you made If you were here You would know how I treasured every day How every single word you spoke Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here You could not feel the value that I placed One every look that crossed your face When you were here I did not know just how I had embraced All that you hid behind your face Could not hide from me 'Cause it hid in me too

Father: Hello tiger, it's fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Father: I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Father: But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Father: Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter: It's okay you can go now

-Poe

Amazed

It's amazing to me but I can't Seem to say what I'm doing here My tongue is all twisted around the air I'm looking for words that were so well rehearsed But I can't find them anywhere With you there's no easy answer It's true You change the equation that I add up to And all of the things I thought I knew You turn it around

I'm amazed When push comes to shove what I'd give to you Everything I'm amazed The hallways I wouldn't mind crawling through And I'd do it for days and days

I'm amazed, I'm amazed

That places your taking me to

Wait, I thought I had this down I built all my cages and my hide out I covered all my bases But you You creep in like a whisper I try not to listen but I hear you I don't know just what it is you do But do it again

I'm amazed When push comes to shove what I'd give to you Everything

I'm amazed The walls that I wouldn't mind crashing through And I'd do it for days and days

I'm amazed, I'm amazed

At all of the things I know you have done 'Cause this time I think we've really won That tables have turned Now I'm taking my hat off to you You said 'we'll see' But darling it's all clear to me

I'm amazed

And here in the foyer the hallway is small I don't really think it's a hallway at all It's a maze

Johnny your suitcase was finally received She's packed up her things and she's ready to leave

It's amazing

All of the ink that was bled from your hands Has painted a picture that she understands It's amazed

And here by the ocean the sky's full of leaves And what they can tell you depends on what you believe It's a maze

The ass is a tree and the voices were three And all that is gone is here sweeping through me It's amazing

The voice of my father still loud as before It used to scare me but not anymore

Father : What is it Annie

Daughter: I miss you

-Poe

Spanish Doll

This place feels so unfamiliar And yet I know it well I think I used to belong here But the only way I can tell Is that I miss you still And I cannot find you here You left me tattered and torn Just like that Spanish doll

(Sweet spanish sweet spanish... doll)

I went down to the alley way (Sierra la Bonita) And found that you were gone Spanish doll: si nunca tes fueres (if you had never left) You left no word no message I still don't know what went wrong Spanish doll: la grima (tears) But now no matter where I go I always seem to return Spanish doll: busca me (find me) To where you left me tattered and torn Spanish doll: you so rompido mi muneca (I am torn my sweet doll)

Just like that sweet spanish doll

(Sweet spanish sweet spanish...doll)

A memory guilded in red and gold Spanish doll: del oro (of gold also pain) Beauty guarded and never sold Spanish doll: cuida me (protect me) I keep it with me wherever I go And I love you still No matter how a story will unfold Spanish doll: requerda me (remember me) You know I always will Have part of you here In this souvenir This sweet spanish doll

A stranger in this world without you Is all that I can ever be All I know that's pure and clear You left it with me here In this souvenir This sweet spanish doll

Father: We hear of a lovely daughter, shot down in her mistaken[ flight, unaware yet how her life will be affected by this experience.

Daughter : Why is it a house of leaves?

-Poe

Lemon Meringue

Hold on you've gotta wait just a minute See the cookie jar I've got my hand caught in it Just let me try and explain

You know I've been a good girl But I hit a limit I know there's not a lot of logic in it But my life's been feeling to me

(Like lemon) Sometimes it tastes so bitter (Like lemon) I've gotta make it sweeter

Stop right there before I get bitter (Bitter) There's got to be a way to make it sweeter (Sweeter) A little more like lemon meringue

So the other day well I found me a lover Had a little hustle under the covers It was delicious to me Can't you see me there Day dreaming of our future I painted such a pretty picture But my prince he never got back to me

(Like lemon) Sometimes it tastes so bitter (Like lemon) I've got to make it sweeter

Stop right there before I get bitter (Bitter) There's got to be a way to make it sweeter (Sweeter) A little more like lemon meringue

Father: It is November 6th and we are in Madrid, Spain. It is a very special day And to celebrate it Anne will sing a song

-Poe

Cou'ld've Gone Mad

I'm so glad that you decided to come

Go ahead make yourself comfortable darlin' I've got a proposition for you There's a room available inside of my heart And I hope it will be taken by you

You can bring whatever you wanna bring baby Each and everyone of your friends And if you want a dog or a big bullfrog Hell I've even got room for them

I'm so glad you decided to come

Another day and I could've gone mad Another day and it might've gotten bad Another day and I might have betrayed Every scruple I have

You cause in me an impossible craving That cannot be denied If I decided to make you my religion I think God would be kind

So I made a wish on a million of her stars And registered your name on a few That way if you forget who you are You can look up and see a picture of you

I'm so glad you decided to come

Another day and I could've gone mad Another day and it might've gotten bad Another day and I might have betrayed Every scruple I have I'm so glad you decided to come

Another day and I could've gone mad Another day and it might've gotten bad Another day and I might have betrayed Every scruple

I have to keep a hold of myself Is that really you or is it someone else I swear it looks just like him I wonder can he see what a state I'm in Like a broken bridge I gotta swing on him like a jungle gym

Father: I've been inside her house I've experienced her madness And I rejected the entire experience

Another day and I could've gone mad Another day and it might've gotten bad Another day and I might have betrayed Every scruple I have I'm so glad you decided to come

Another day and I could've gone mad Another day and it might've gotten bad Another day and I might have betrayed Every scruple

-Poe

Hey Pretty

Well it's 3a.m. I'm out here driving again Through the wicked winding streets of my world I take a wrong turn break it but I'm too far gone I've got a siren on my tale and that's not the fine I'm looking for

I see a stairway so I follow it down Into the belly of a whale Where my secrets echo all around You know me now but to do better than that You've got to follow me Boy I'm trying to show you where I'm at

Hey pretty Don't you wanna take a ride with me? Through my world Hey pretty Don't you wanna kick and slide with me Through my world

Well I've got a mind full of wicked desings I've got a non-stop-whole in my head-imagination I can't forget I am a sole architect I built the shadows here I built the growl in the voice I fear You know me now but to do better than that You've got to follow me Boy I'm trying to show you where I'm at

Hey pretty Don't you wana take a ride with me? Through my world Hey pretty Don't you wanna kick and slide with me Through my world Hey pretty My pretty baby Rock it through my world

Hey now Can't you feel me longing Hey now Me (You get the gist of the song now?)

Hey pretty don't you wanna take a ride with me?

-Poe

Not a Virgin

I'm not a virgin anymore

I just thought you should know Darlin' I've been around I took a walk up your block In fact I have been all over town Down by the lake And underneath the table in my living room But side with the blue blue moon

You can call me what you will Call me a slut call me a jaded pill But darlin I've got your number now

I'm not a virgin anymore I've been taken I've been hung up I get down and start it over again I've been open And I've been closed like a book And burned down like a written sin I just thought you should know my darling Before we begin I'm not a virgin anymore

Just thought you should know Before you let another lie Slip through those crooked little teeth I don't think you wanna start that shit with me

Much better yet Tell me something dangerous and true Oh yeah that looks much sexier on you

Careful what it is you say 'Cause I can see right through you On a cloudy day and darlin' I think you wanna play I'm not a virgin anymore I've been taken I've been hung up I get down and start it over again I've been open And I've been closed like a book And burned down like a written sin I just thought you should know my darling So if you wanna play dirty darling I'm gonna win I'm not a virgin anymore

Been there done that (Say what?) Get the hang of it Get screwed I screw you I had a whole lot of fun with it I've had enough now so you better take a bow It's gonna be a new experience if you wanna play with me

Daisy chains and maryjanes Happy ending fairy tales Cannot fool me now

I've been taken I've been hung up I get down and start it over again I've been open And I've been closed like a book And burned down like a written sin

Hell I've been divided Out of my mind and reinvented again I've been ignited and then uninvited So honey You break it up I'm gonna put it back together again

I just thought you should know my darling Before we begin

I'm not a virgin anymore

I'm sorry, I'm sorry Do you get the gist of the song now?

-Poe

5 1/2 Minute Hallway

I live at the end of a 5 and 1/2 minute hallway But as far as I can see you are still miles from me In your doorway

And oh by the way When the landlord came today He measured everything I knew he'd get it wrong But I just played along 'Cause I was hoping that would solve it all

But there's only so far I can go When you're living in a hallway that keeps growing I think to myself 5 more minutes and I'll be there

Inside your door But there's more to this story Than I have exposed There are words made of letters Unwritten And yes I forgive you For leading me on

You can think of it like this When you can't resist I'm in your hallway standing on a cliff And just when I think I've found the trick I'm tumbling Like an echo

'Cause there's only so far I can go When you're living in a hallway that keeps growing I think to myself 30 seconds and I'll be there

Daughter: You never listen to me

Father: We cannot really experiment with love as freely as we wish It is really a much more complicated topic

-Poe

Wild

mmm thiz song remindz me of Will probably more than any used to sit and listen to it over and over the first time he ever left me before I waz even remotely with him sighz

I go wild cause you break me open Wild cause you left me here I go wild

Wild because the chips are down Wild because there isn't anybody else around Wild when the waves start to break And God knows they're breaking in me now

Wild 'cause it doesn't make sense For me to cry out in my own defense Wild 'cause I would do anything To tear you off your precious fence

So this is what it's like living in limbo First I'm high then I'm solo

I go wild 'Cause you break me open Wild 'Cause you left me here I go wild 'Cause your promises are broken Wild When I know you're near I go wild I go wild

Tell me what you've come for Moving like a hunter through my back door Leaving the perfume of all you adore To die nameless on my floor

Yeah well we both know you don't play fair I guess you really think that you get me there Let's be honest perhaps this little ride Is too much for even you to bear

You've got a lot of nerve to come back here You're not the only one who can smell fear

I go wild 'Cause you break me open Wild 'Cause you left me here I go wild 'Cause your promises are broken Wild Don't you get it dear You're not the only one who lives on instincts No I've got instincts of my own

You've got a lot of nerve to come back Plan your attack yeah I am still waiting You wrote the rules to try to contain me You broke 'em Now you have untamed me I go wild I go wild

Tell me what you've come for What is it you adore Won't you tell me? What would you Go wild for?

You've got a lot of nerve to come back here Speak up my darling I have been waiting

I go wild 'Cause you break me open Wild 'Cause you left me here I go wild 'Cause your promises are broken Wild Don't you get it dear You're not the only one who lives on instincts No I've got instincts of my own

You've got alot of nerve to come back Plan your attack yeah I am still waiting You wrote the rules to try and contain me You broke 'em Now you have untamed me I go wild I go wild

Father : Communication is more than just words, communication is architecture, because of course it is quite obvious that a house which would be built without that will that desire to communicate, would not look the way your house looks today

-Poe

Crestfallen

and who am i to need you when i'm down and where are you when i need you around

your life is not your own and all i ask you is for another chance a second chance to love you to live by circumstance once again

and who am i to need you now to ask you why, to wear you down to deserve your kiss, to beg from you to give to me what i can use

and as you were you'll one day be again to mold like clay to break apart like dirt

your life is not your own and all i ask you is for a second chance another way around this to live by circumstance once again

and who am i to need you now to wear you down, to put you out to deserve your kiss and sympathy you were never meant to belong to me

who am i?

and who am i to need you now to ask you why, to wear you down to deserve your kiss, to beg from you to give to me what i can use

who am i? who am i? who am i? who am i?

-the Smashing Pumpkinz

My So Called Life
hmmm I haven't wrote here since Wednesday huh so I'm going to have to concentrate to write stuff down ;/ I have ten coricidin in me so bear with me thizll make fifty in one week I'm so fucking bad that it'z pathetic ;/ well Thursday everything went bak to normal where I wrote how Wednesday waz so weird. Everyone waz on the phone or the compuker that entire day. It started snowing Thursday afternoon and continued into the night there waz probably around two or two and a half inchez of snow. That guy from the department of the blind called me Thursday afternoon and if you've ever seen those local date numberz around here on tv well if not either way I've called there and I have an ad on there and like I've had that guy box me before wanting me to come over and shit to get kinky with him thiz dude iz mega old but when he called me I picked that up and matched hiz voice to that same voice. I met thiz guy from Louisville Thursday night but eih I doubt anything would ever happen there where I live so far away and can't drive ;/ So eih anyayz, I figured that guy wouldn't come for my appointment that waz on Friday at one pm I didn't get to sleep until like after nine am Friday morning and then he came and woke me up and my mom and I started fighting coz I waz fucking tired and didn't want to get up and they kept bugging me until I finally got up went up there and sat there zombieish going "yeah, okay yeah, okay" and then they made me call and get another appointment with the person in charge for the eighteenth and I had to do it because he wazn't leaving until I did. eih I talked to Andrew for a little while Thursday night and he waz pretty damned mean to me at the way he just didn't hardly want to do anything and then didn't hardly want to talk. Then after that guy left Friday I went and got my hair cut and dyed itz blood red right now and layered down to right under my neck cut short in the front with fringy bangz. hmmm then Sherry and Scott came up here that evening and we hung out with them and the mosnterz for a while it waz Sherryz bday shez 29 now. Then I talked to Andrew for a while and I waz like shyeah hoping my hair might make someone want me again ;x and like hez like I want you and I'm like yeah riiiiiight. I'm thinking that'z the reason why you act the way you do around me most of the time huh? And he went bak to being totally sweet I swear that boiy haz a Dr Jeckyll and Mister Hyde thing going on! Then I went bak upstairz for a while to play with the monsterz came bak down here and fell dead asleep. Then i woke up around two thirty went upstairz Becky waz still on the compuker up there waited for her to go to bed a little after three went bak up there got some coricidin and took those and then my whole body just freaked out on me last night being numb totally falling asleep on me making me feel like i waz having orgasmz uhm just all kindz of weird feelingz. then I finally passed bak out got up around five something today went upstairz the monsterz were here again because Sherry and her husband were going out to dinner with hiz dad and then to a movie my mom left them here with me and Becky for like two hourz while being at Walmart the whole fucking time. Then once we found out she waz all right and came home I came down here and got on the compuker and tried to talk to Andrew but he started being a mega dick to me again blah and I waz in a bad ass mood and he waz making fun of me saying I wanted a threesome with him and some blonde bimbo Katiez the only blond chick I go for damnit and he waz just annoying the hell out of me I wazn't in the mood for jokez. So he just wouldn't talk to me so I started talking to Joy, Jill, Ali and Josh and like eih had to hear from him about some hunting trip and shit and then asking about Don, when I haven't talked to him since Tuesday I've felt too strange about the way I'm sure he doezn't want to talk to me plus any more I want the other person to make the effort to call or email me or whatever you know? I'm tired of being the one who doez it all if they want me they know where to find me. hmmm just talked to Katie it actually snowed in Texas ;p mahn I'm just so sick of everything and having to pretend to b mega happy and hide what I really feel when I'm fucking terribly awfully depressed. shrugz I think from now on if the person can't handle me well enough to hear about every little problem of mine and either tell me something about it or say don't worry about it because it'z really nothing and help me with the thingz that do matter and not go fucking balistic on me for saying anything and if I can't say anything to them about myself and my life because it'z too weird or scary for them I'm sorry but I just can't date them and certainly not sleep with them. Which remindz me, Nick will NOT leave me alone at trying to get anal and oral from me I'm not in the mood to have or let someone use me for their sexual frustration. blah. fuck men I wish I could just go shoot them all most of the time. . .

I Think I'm Paranoid

You can look but you can't touch I don't think I like you much Heaven knows what a girl can do Heaven knows what you've got to prove

I think I'm paranoid and complicated I think I'm paranoid, manipulate it

Bend me break me Anyway you need me All I want is you Bend me break me Breaking down is easy All I want is you

I fall down just to give you a thrill Prop me up with another pill If I should fail, if I should fold I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

I think I'm paranoid, manipulate it I think I'm paranoid, too complicated

Bend me break me Anyway you need me All I want is you Bend me break me Breaking down is easy All I want is you

I think I'm paranoid I think I'm paranoid

Bend me break me Anyway you need me All I want is you Bend me break me Breaking down is easy All I want is you

Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me Maim me, tame me, you can never change me Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me

Bend me break me Anyway you need me As long as I want you baby it's alright Bend me break me Anyway you need me As long as I want you baby it's alright

-Garbage

Temptation Waits

I'll tell you something I am a wolf but I like to wear sheep's clothing

I am a bonfire I am a vampire I'm waiting for my moment

You come on like a drug I just can't get enough I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more and there's so much at stake I can't afford to waste I've never needed anybody like this before

I'll tell you something I am a demon Some say my biggest weakness I have my reasons Call it my defence Be careful what you're wishing

You come on like a drug I just can't get enough I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more and there's so much at stake I can't afford to waste I've never needed anybody like this before

You are a secret A new possession I like to keep you guessing

You come on like a drug I just can't get enough I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more And there's so much at stake I can't afford to waste I've never needed anybody like this before

When I'm not sure what I'm living for (When I'm not sure what I'm) When I'm not sure what I'm looking for (When I'm not sure what I'm) When I'm not sure what I'm living for (When I'm not sure what I'm) When I'm not sure what I'm looking for (When I'm not sure what I'm) When I'm not sure what I'm living for When I'm not sure what I'm looking for When I'm not sure what I'm living for

When I'm not sure who I am Temptation waits

-Garbage

One Weird Day
Mahn everything’s been weird today first started out where I could barely wake up and I didn’t get up until three probably sleeping off the rest of the effectz of the Coricidin and then like eih I got online finally after Amber got off the phone she didn’t hog the phone tonight that waz just weird too and like eih Andrew actually imed me and we started talking and he acted so sweet and to be honest he knowz me too well knowz that he can get me turned on quite easily just haz to honestly stare at me. I’d love to just hold him for like a loooong time I’d probably not wanna let go he’z such a sweety ;p He likez me for more than the way I look so eih for the people I like that makez him probably my favorite even though we have our misunderstandingz like we were talking about tonight we get along with each other really, really well. I think deep down we have a lot of the same stuff happening to us we just don’t always want to discuss it. Sighz I really wish I could meet him tho he’z probably like one of the perfect people mrow I’d probably end up kissing him. Sighz ohhhhh mahn I had Nick start up with me again too tonight like wanting me to give him another blow job and get to have anal with me my gawd what am I some fucking sex toy? I don’t want him I waz like telling Andrew I NEED to go hide lol he wanted to come hide with me mrow I have no problem with that I’d let him sleep with me mrow haven’t gotten to sleep with anyone like just sleep for a long long time. Mrow I like doing it. Sighz shyeah then like I didn’t know if anyone waz going to call me today or not eih nah no one did hiding out from the people who want to come see me again about my condition with my eye sight I more than likely have LMBBS. Blah. I waz wondering if Don might call me too tonight but eih he e-mailed me saying hiz cell phone waz dead ohhhhh wellz thatz okay. Mrow I can understand that one I hate the batteriez of cell phonez about every time I use momz to call Mel the battery diez before I want to leave and hang up whinez about that. Shyeah then I like ended up talking to Josh while I waz like werking on my webpage and like shyeah had to hear about porn lol and I’m like damn iz it everyone be horny day? Since either people told me about getting it or wanting it like about every time I talked to someone eih and I wanted it but thatz coz Andrew got me turned on ;x shyeah so I’m like ohhhh wellz I’m going to go be bad and have fun later so it’s fine and so he askz me if Don and I are going out I waz like uhm I don’t think so you tell me? And then I’m like I waz talking about being bad in another way lol I waz going to go play my favorite game which I did to see what happenz to Heather and ended up taking ten Coricidin I mean shyeah like he’d WANT to go out with me when he barely knowz me and like probably thinkz by now I’m strange and scary because yesh I am. Shrugz ohhhh wellz it’s just been a pretty weird ass day no one’s bothered me that much and thingz have been good you don’t get that with me oftenly shrugz

laterZ

Bruised Violet

You got this thing that really makes me hot You got a lot and more when you get caught You got this thing that follows me around You fucking bitch I hope your insides rot

Liar liar liar

You see the stars through eyes lit up with lies You got your stories all twisted up in mine You were born with glue instead of spine Of thee I sing tied to a string

Bruise violet

-Babes in Toyland

Atomic Metaphor

I’m a little wanna-be I do whatever he tells me I’m a little wanna-be I do whatever he tells me

You never shut up You never let your eyes look up You paid seventy nine ninety five for a pair of pants Just to get noticed by a bunch of replicas You listen to the relationships on television They’re all make believe that you believe in You’ll wake up one day and think More about then what did he say What did she say In that speech of dystrophy that never left their own mouths and ears You don’t listen , therefore you don’t hear The defense lays to rest Because the prospect of there being more to life than laying your tongue to rest Is a piece of propaganda your tongue can’t deal with

I’m a little sell out I like what he tells me and shut my mouth I’m a little sell out I like what he tells me and shut my mouth

Let’s change the lines Can you read them without colors just outlined In grey black and white? No you have to have pink and blue You hang out with a gothic don’t you You won’t admit it now will you You think you’re better than us don’t you You’ve said it before You’ll say it again Don’t look me in the face with your atomic metaphors I’ll spit in your face automatically You reported me For being a different race Not good enough for your stingy ugly face And I’m sick to death Of being hurt and rejected

I’m a little poser He hurts me and I don’t ask why do you do this to her I’m a little poser He hurts me and I don’t ask why do you do this to her

You know why you don’t ask princess Because you don’t fucking care if they hurt her Just as long as it’s not you and your heart of a blizzard That’s getting unthawed out of it’s frigid wall of a tower I’m going to laugh when he rips off those eighty five dollar denims And you become deflowered Your face will lose it’s color As you realize the loser You are deep down inside The one you’d never let out because deep down you like to hide What you feel You like to believe emotions aren’t real Because if they were You’d have to stop being cruel and become nicer To everyone not just your little male friends The one’s providing The scrutiny of using possession The one’s with snowflakes for fingers breaking off the violet’s petals

You make fun of me Because I make men respect me You think I’m so funny Because I won’t let another human being get close to me You think I’m an alien For treating everyone I come into contact with so strangely You’ll soon see what it is You’re getting yourself in You’ll never wish another had been born When you’re the broken fragments of a china doll lying underneath everyone Smiling at you with their ambivalent scorn

Overtime

Coricidin falling down the base of my throat You’re not there to hear the words as he calls me ugly Your eyes don’t watch as they sarcastically gloat I’m tired of being diseased and sickly You label the words down my chest and analyze me under a microscope Stop looking with your ruddy cheeks I never gave you the fucking permission To write up your check of commission For selling me the anecdote The cure is still not found You lied to me when you sold Me this jar of broken dreams Underlying the bottom with poly-cystic holes The ones your whore said came with a life time guarantee

Let’s kiss No let’s fuck Let’s lick No let’s suck Let’s pick Anyone but that chick The one with the red hair The one with the piercing sad grey stare People living underneath the stairs Will you love me there Will you look at me When you find out I possess no outer beauty? Will you still want me When you find out I’m not remotely Anywhere near being attractive Will your eyes lose their attachment Become glued to another prettier girl like a magnet Don’t lie if it’s yes then say it Don’t lie if it’s no let your lips say it I’m sick of being denied If I could be paid for trying to get rid of myself I’d get credit for working overtime

You don’t have to If you don’t want to Dating what fun is it to you Loving what good is it to you Or rather to me You won’t stay with me I’m sick of feeling adamantly not pretty If you want to come close to me Then don’t stay back If you don’t want anywhere near me Then stay back! I won’t hold you to the promise Of falling in love with a cross-eyed submissive Female who tries her best to be dominant That river Styx she just doesn’t always cross it Forgot her nickel Forgot her ticket To come into the underworld When all you want is to get away from her

Chorus

I can disprove you Don’t think I can’t Just because I haven’t yet Proved you wrong I haven’t sank my teeth into it I haven’t set my sights on it Don’t do it He told me not to do it But I did it any way He never really wanted me to stop any way He wanted me to go away He just couldn’t get the words out to say You’re not good enough to be a lady You’re not good enough to taste me You’re not good enough for me to have a conversation I rang the doorbell and hit you over the head with your dissipation Because you’re the one who understood and then withheld your invitation

Chorus

I thought I’d be nothing without you I thought I couldn’t be anything without your approval How wrong of me To ever think for one second that I’d need To be held up in your eyes The ones that only knew how to make up lies Need any type of endorsement When all you could was fuck me on the street’s pavement He said no one would ever want me for sex What did sex have to do with anything That little word sex That so man men like to use for authorizing The pleasure the size of their penis is giving Sex to me mean’s absolutely nothing I don’t want it I don’t need it I’ve already had it And unlike you I’ve come to beat it You love it You live off of it It controls you You’ve became an addict I feel sorry for you Wait no I don’t! I hate you! I hate the whole lot of you I’d love to kill you I would do it But I’m not going to go to hell like you And have my soul burn next to a piece of filth like you So enjoy your sex and outer beauty while they last Because nothing- I repeat nothing lasts Except an eternal soul for forever

Heart of Industry

I’m struggling With a huge decision I have to make it for myself You can’t help me with it Not this time I’m going blind Blinder than the three blind mice The difference is I’m not dumb enough to have my ass chopped off by a hick’s wife Holding a butcher’s knife No you can’t touch me not even if you ask nice You’re the reason why I stay up thinking late at night Wondering why I don’t just end my life

You think I’m inevitably weird I’m not making up anything This is who I am Take it or leave it You can’t identify who I am A confused psychopathic female with a rhinestone ring through her lip You don’t want to see who I am Because deep down you’re scared and you damn well know it I know it Why should she learn to read the ways of a world when you won’t even listen To hell with this Oh hell I’ve tried And you pushed me into the darkest closet to hide Your little secret lust For wanting someone With breasts not made out of plastic You fell in love with her because Barbie told you you couldn’t have it Not coming from her You fell in between love and hatred’s portal and could get no further

In between There’s no escaping You left me crying Not wanting to hear the explanation Because you’d rather think of what the inflation Of a rubber doll does to make your limp dick circumcise into an erection You’d rather not look at the problem Involving the words of my affection Let’s face it we’re back to the statement Of saying She’s from a different planet Because I have a penis And she can’t see it So how can she bow down To suck it and be my new worthy penalized victim?

Chorus

Please don’t let me make you give into your guilt Like you ever will See the truth because you’re hypnotized by Vanderbilt A copy of her Vogue is sitting on your table See through version makes you ready and able Why couldn’t you have been brother Abel That way Cain could have taken care of you becoming homicidal You laugh at me because I’m suicidal You think it’s a turn on when I’m hyper Because you think I’ll disciple Myself into the broken arms of a monster like you filled with vile You still go back to that age old legend of my disease She’s blind yes make sure everyone knows it won’t you please You don’t think you can love me The reason mainly Because I refuse to lower myself to my hands and knees For the satisfaction of a sex fiend

Chorus

You wish you could become the puppet master There’s only one little factor Your head hasn’t once begrudged That’s the fact of the matter of you already being a puppet Your strings Belong to the world of industry Mister corporate sell out who only cares about making The world fall asleep So he can steal all the money Of the war of the industrial Can you tell me the answer to what will happen to me Can you cure me You fucking bastard Can you mister money bags? Can you take away the pain Can you take away the strain Of the love you turned your heart away from When you’re left with no one Except for Capital One? Will you be able to buy your happiness With all of your good credit? Will you be able to buy back the time that you were wasting While your skin began aging While your heart and breath started dying Can you buy back the sight You’re now rapidly losing? The one little physical trait You let your conscience debate Against me? The one that said not to let yourself date Or become attached to me? Just because I FUCKING couldn’t see!?

Secretive

You think you’re having so much fun Keeping it all inside bottled up You think you’re going to hurt my feelings When I gave up No I take that back you could care less about me You just don’t want to be held up To the lips of society For being the one Who in fact is deathly guilty And why shouldn’t he be When all this time he was only lying to me Thinking I’d never find out the secret The truth he’d never have to tell me

I saw blood on your hands Murder? Hell you’d never have the nerve I smell perfume on your shirt tail Don’t think I’m that naïve You don’t trust me Because you’re sneaking around The little impact of lying Makes it so much better Makes you feel so much better You’ll never tell her You’re just using her To lead her on to expose of never never land A PiXy you want your fairy to crush in her hand But you can’t catch me No no bad little boy Grow up With the rest of us The ones that make you throw up Because down here You’re nothing to anyone dear Except for yourself That’s right except to yourself

A boy can never take the place of a man as a lover A lost boy just can’t deliver Too distracted by fairy tales The ones for me that never came true The reason I lost my innocence to a wicked male Just like you You want to play games Not only with my heart but my mind too Sorry to have to jade Your everlasting plan but I won’t let you So save it Use this ruse On another girl’s heart you just can’t help but abuse This lady’s hearts already owned and little boy it’s not by you Skinny little white boy Nineteen going on twenty And your still mama’s baby

Chorus

Don’t tell me I deserve you Don’t tell me I deserve love You don’t know it now do you? Tell me what is love Yes what is it to you You don’t know do you I bet this PiXy of a full fledge woman could trick you Just you wait Just you watch Give me the chance to penetrate Those thoughts, the little things you don’t let your eyes watch I’d have you wondering who is she You’d never be able to say it’s me Because deep down you’re still lost You don’t know how easy it is you’ve got

Chorus

Come on Hurry it up Come on Judge I want to hear the verdict That he’s wearing kids shoes Encasing his feet Sandals of plastic sealed together with glue All the tears sucked back into me Because you know what Yes what are you How unworthy for me To cry over someone like you Who doesn’t even know what or why he’d ever bleed Wait you’d never think so sadly To ever want to cut the skin from your bones Just to say you had a scar of self injury You’re too good for that And you’re way too good for me In your own little set mind And I know that You’ve been wasting my time Fucking up the motives and syllables in my mind No longer mister head trip I WON’T be your favorite head case You made the mistake and let your feelings slip I know what you’re doing Can you tell me why her face Is pressed against yours and why it looks so willing? No you can’t And you know what it’s rather depressing How you acted so honestly Only to be another male who didn’t have the inhibition to tell me You couldn’t

Instant Replacement

I had to say it out loud While you were listening Just my rotten luck my voice drew a crowd You started smiling Because you wanted the scene to award you with the crown To prove you were the king Of loving a psycho Pretending you’d done nothing to me We both know it so Fucking spastically differently You kissed me sporadically And you couldn’t let the words fall out that you loved me

You were ashamed For loving a girl pathetically disabled You said you can’t see me You’re right maybe I can’t view all your features physically But I know you inside out I know you for what you are mentally The penetrated man you can’t do a thing about Yeah I know you feel nothing emotionally You want to keep it that way So you can fake The dismemberment of pain But you’ve felt anything The only thing you felt was guilt when you pierced me Through the heart with your invisible Valentine Just another morsel of imperfection to get off your mind By drowning deep down into the eyes Of a fifteen year old blond girl you want to turn into the biggest dyke Just so you can sleep with her girlfriend INSTANTLY INITIATED INTO THE CONVERSATION THAT INVOLVES YOU GETTING LAID!

You believe you’ve got it made With your match made From heaven She’s secretly from hell you’re just not looking Because she’s got it buried in her head the one place you’d never think Yeah that’s where the confidential files are hiding You’re just to distracted to go underground where she’s keeping The surprises hidden Spoiled from head to toe She’s so filthy you’d never be able to see her through a window The sun smiles When the air evaporated From the princesses lungs She looked at the dangerous rays with a smirk Telling real beauty I’ll steal all your fun Nothing except for blond curls Nothing underneath the skirt of that girl

Chorus

Why is it that you’re not the least bit scared When it comes to her? Is it because you know her type is no where near being supplemented as rare? I know she and you won’t last forever You’ll soon discover That one plus one Just isn’t for one Who has to have one plus two And I hope you get told you’re fucking screwed When she finds out she’s only getting used For a tramp who’s in love with lesbians Who got traded for a female by Mercury Venus was once your slave Mars But she grew out of your way To advance to winning her own war You fucked her Up really good because deep down you’re a fucking loser Who only knew how to fucking abuse her

Chorus

Dissonance doesn’t supply you with enough air For you to go running your mouth off like you fucking dare You think you’re the lion’s meow You don’t have anything to provide in private to a proper person You’re too fucking shallow What do you think you are The symphony of the people’s blood You meaning nothing do you fucking hear that? The world’s made too much progress to get stuck in your wanna-be industrial rut I’m too sophisticated to let myself sink back down so fucking low As to be called upon as silicone dressed up like your gothic Barbie slut When I told you no You just couldn’t take it Because I broke it That little shred of dignity You left to mistreat me with I no longer wanted to take it In between my teeth Because you meant absolutely nothing to me Except for seven times As a plan to become lost in the bedroom You left me there with false hopes lying on your pillow When I meant nothing but a silken pillowcase One that would make a great replacement To your hip hop beauty queen’s defilement Sorry but my body as ugly as it is isn’t up for easy advertisement It takes more than a come to bed with me To get me to drop so low as to become trapped permanently In the jello of a spineless man’s sleaze!