Love
I mean we've all been in love before but we never know it's true love until it's over. So what if there is no one or two or three or four or five? I mean what if there is no such thing as true love? But we're just too afraid to admit it. So we keep on dressing up pretending to be something that we're not. We keep turning ourselves upside down losing ourselves in something we hope is better than what we think we are. What if that something we're looking for just doesn't exist?

-Claire Forloni

Settle Down

settle down, don't settle down without me, no, no settle down, i'll settle down for good, yeah settle down, i'll settle down around you, yeah, yeah settle down, i'll settle down for sure, yeah

whatever i can do, i will 'cause i'm good like that for seven years, seven days, and seven hours i took my chances, yeah whatever i can do, i will 'cause i want

never lose that feeling never lose that feeling

settle down, i'll settle down around you, yeah, yeah settle down, i'll settle down for good, yeah settle down, don't settle down without me, no, no settle down, i'll settle down for sure, yeah

never lose that feeling never, no, no never lose your feelings never, that's for sure

never lose that feeling never lose that feeling never lose that feeling never lose that feeling never lose that feeling never lose that feeling

whatever i can do, i will 'cause i want to, and what i want i get seven years, seven day, seven hours i took my chances, yeah

settle down, don't settle down without me, no, no settle down, i'll settle down for good, yeah settle down, i'll settle down around you, yeah, yeah settle down, i'll settle down for sure, yeah

never lose that feeling never, no, no, no

-Zwan

Endless Summer

once there was a time that i believed the soft pouring rain was just the pouring rain it wasn't me, but every new light that isn't shiny and bright will suspend the storms and the clouds in sight

of an endless summer an endless summer an endless summer to be home

let me go, wasting time let me go waste my time

once there was a chance, that i believed you a kiss was just a kiss no matter how i missed you just shine a light on me say a prayer for the relief

of an endless summer an endless summer an endless summer to be home

did we go on too long did we listen too close to a youth built strong with things children shouldn't know

so the fall out from your third degrees of broken chairs and of pedigrees and the sons kill sons, and the daughters stay wise 'cause when we rule, everybody dies

in an endless summer an endless summer an endless summer to be home

let me go, wasting time let me go waste my time let me go, wasting time let me go waste my time

now you can disagree with how i choose to live but freedom isn't free unless you learn how to give

summer, summer, summer, yeah summer, summer, summer, yeah summer, summer, summer, yeah summer, summer, summer, yeah

-Zwan

Ode to a Liar

How many lies can you tell me One for your unhonesty Two for your promiscuity Three for the laws of committment you used against me Four for lying to me when you said you'd always love me Five for running out on me Six for saying you'd protect me from hurting Seven for giving me affection confectionately Eight for ruining the trust that spawned out of me Nine for abusing me Ten for violating me

Lies one through ten Are listed above for the eyes of all men Pay attention To the vow before asking for my acceptance Let's see You can say you love me You can say you want me You'll just never have me In the faith of your mouth believing Don't interrupt me When my voice is forcefully speaking Don't glance at me with the stare of inferior Just because my outer exterior Is made atomically out a female interior I'll love you when I'm good and ready Don't you dare try to rush me

Yes you said you loved me Only to walk all over the feelings I had buried deep inside of me You NEVER once took the time to search down to the bottom of what made me Of who and what had hurt me Of why I had and constantly Wanted to die Was it because you couldn't make me happy? Was it because you had so many other lovers That the sight of my name made you feel guilty? Can you give me an answer straightly Or will you mumble on the words That you were always wrong to think my ambition to receive death wasn't absurd Honestly loving you kept me in the denial of having cleared The frontier of vision that came closer and closer To really ending my existence that lied itself down on the frontporch with your old newspapers You never glanced at my body clothed or naked You just didn't fucking care I can't love you my dear I have you stuck in my concious of last year I'll block it from coming By forcing myself to do some positive thinking Of another man One who isn't pretending to have the shame of an honest man

Maybe

Why can't you make your eyes stop staring

Why can't you make them quit violating

Every anatomical part of my body that stands five feet six inches high

What is it that makes it so fascinating

Greedy lips pressing firmly against my own

A soul of nonsense you'll never own

To be truthful the ambiance I once possessed I no longer know

I no longer have her

The girl that at one time entered

She left when he took his soft candy kisses down the boulevard

I can offer you my card

I only sorrily can not offer any service to go with it

Sorry you bothered

To want me

Why would you want me?

You don't even know me

You want to kiss me

I want you to kiss me

Admittance of this

Will never come from my razor sharp crimson lips

Lips so cracked from loveless nights

Spent sleeping in a cocoon struggling

Battling with dreams of times

When I was the chemical imbalance he died for and I gave it to him as a professional

Of female hormone drug dealing

Soul mate, soul searching

I'm dark with a center of light

I'm smouldering hot with a frigid atmosphere to hide

And I will bite

Don't believe I won't

Abuse I used to take when I centered myself as his wife

I no longer see the appeal

If you're looking for my approval to seal

Your adolescent contaminant of contagious excitement

I wouldn't come to me with your mercenary love statement

Love was a regiment of my imagination

Love was his ultimate manipulation

In breaking me

In hurting me

In saying he loved me

In making me believe he loved me

Expected more out of me

I never came with a registration that said to be used aggressively

Can't say I feel sorry

For the love you lost from me

For the time you spent losing

Becoming lost in the realm of believing

I'd always be the one you'd be seeing

And I never was that lovely

Now was I?

That's why you chose to abandon me

You kissed me with lies

To feed your subconcious ego

To silence my subconcious legitiment suspicions

I spent hours figuring out

Analyzing myself

Just for you!

Still you ran to the arms of someone else

Because I just wasn't fucking good enough for you

I still love you

With a sliver of my jaded armor

You'll still kiss her

I hope you fall into hell

With her

In your arms draped in a black veil

Because my heart was only a piece of memorabilia to the highest bidder to sell

You never loved me my skin was just too pale

My eyes too hazel

My voice not enough shemale

For your taste

And am I a criminal

For wanting to kill you and lace

Myself with cocaine

Just to reimburse the memory of another willing one

Who said he loved me

For twelve months

Before running

For the door

Looking for the daisy of mary jane

Only to find his dick pouring into whore after whore

Lie to me

That's what they all say

Fucked up sweet little lies out of inconvenience

I won't let anyone say

I love you to me again

Without wondering

Is it true or will I end up withering

Into the cake of dust

Between your fore fingers that becomes stuck

For a mere twenty four seconds

Only to be thrown away like the wind's howl

To your ears is abandoned

Will you love me when hate is positioned

When I refuse to let you puncture my ambition

Just to fulfill your sexual frustration

If you really want to make love to me

Instead of just screwing me

You'll have to prove it to me intimately

By loving me

Before cutting me

All the way open

To look inside of me

To taste the lips of my wounds

I want to know ecstasy

I don't want to feel it last for just a moment

It has to stay

Has to cease for eternity

Can you really love me

Someone so despocable, someone so crazy?

Maybe all I can say is maybe. . .. .

Sickness Must DIE
mrow being az I've barely been able to get online all day where it haz snowed like incredibly fawking badly here I have been doing a lot of thinking. mrow first off I want the snow to go fawking die so the bratz have to go bak to skewl to get rid of them bothering me all fawking day long. Eih won't get that til Tuesday. gawd I hate being sick it mega fawking blowz. anyayz, I've been listening to a lot of music down here in my room. mrow I gotta bite Andrew tomorrow for mega wanting me to download music he started incorporating that in me again the night we met. Just had to mention good music mrow ;p shyeah he sent me like basically all of Zwan Billy Corrigan'z new bandz stuff. So I've been downloading a lot of it. Katie sent me a song by Sarina Paris lovez that song. let'z see been downloading a lot of Rufio, Babez in Toyland, Sarah McLachlan I've been trying to get the song Future Shock. gawd I love music too fawking much. mrow should go look at Tascha'z journal could prolly find a lotta fawking good shit there. I'm listening to Weezer right now fawking ironic how when I met my ex thiz waz one of the songz playing in Hastingz it and the next song I have on here that'z by Motley Crue eih I guess you can't say how terrible a bad situation iz without grrreat kick ass music huh? shyeah anyayz, I listened to the song uhm not sure of the name to b quite honest come to think of it. . .it'z the theme for the anime Lain and it'z by Boa ohhh yeah it'z called "Duvet" duh Heath! mrow shyeah anyayz, it alwayz remindz me of Will and I waz lying on my futon just thinking of shit from my past when all of a sudden for some strange reason thiz thought of when I waz with Mel bak in May and like we were sitting in the bak of their stationwagon I think her mom waz in the bank can't really remember wherever we were waz right across from thiz elementary skewl pretty sure it waz her old one. Anyayz, there were like all these small children outside running around and like there waz these two little girlz being chased by thiz rampant little boiy and Mel'z like it'z the Will child! and then one of the little girlz picked up a stick and started chasing him and she waz like it'z the Heather child lol I thought of that and couldn't help but smiling quite a bit ;p very good memory. yeah I have to admit I'm still a bit in love with him sighz doezn't do anything for me tho because that'z in my past and we are both moving on so it'z just best for me to say Heath forget it. mmm I've been talking to Andrew a lot over the last couple of dayz I hate to admit it but I REALLY like him and I had the most weirdest thing happen something I've really never had happen to me tonight. Like I waz sitting there analyzing over everything, that'z me for ya and like eih I waz thinking to myself Heath he'z just another guy probably not going to care about you and you should stay away from you because you're going to end up getting hurt like you alwayz do but my heart said no not to listen to my head. I've NEVER had that one happen before I've alwayz known deep down in my heart and mind they alwayz agree. Not thiz time and you can't deny the thing of alwayz follow your heart. So kinda right there made me wonder if maybe just maybe he'z the one. sighZ I never know and I kinda wonder about believing in love. That remindz me need to find my quote for when I post some lyrix of Zwan and then some stuff I wrote tonight. Anyayz, shyeah we have thiz contest right now going of who can scare who lol I know I'm going to b the one not getting scared right now ;p mrow he haz some plan tho of scaring me that he won't tell me because he haz to show it to me mrow it'z killing me to know what that iz maybe if I bug him nuff he'll tell me ;p mrow I fixed my cat bell too coz he thought that it sounded kinky so eih I wanna wear that and see what would happen ;p where az the last time I wore it the last person who really understood the cat girlishness to it got freaked out at just having it touch them shrugZ men so fickle and weird! hmmm shyeah I waz wondering if maybe thingz would happen like they did with Ben gawd I don't even wanna remember that night sighz eih but I do ;. mrow so I kinda last night when we were talking bout the plan of course I waz trying to get him to say it lol Anyayz, I asked if it had something to do with killing me and he mega freaked out and said that he waz hurt that I would think that. mrow I wazn't thinking that heiy yeah he wantz to come over and kill me or anything I waz kinda hoping for it. mrow but thankfully my sullen personality hazn't come out to invite him to meet itself. Nah I've actually been extremely good around him I haven't talked about death once in the last three dayz. That'z kind of another thing. . .Have I ever been like thiz with anyone else? No. I haven't ever been able to not speak with someone without asking them to please kill me. mrow maybe he just haz xome quality I dunno but yeah I'm very good for him. Why I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe it'z just the fact I want him sooo much I dunno. He'z too damned sweet and pure maybe that'z it too. Not like any of the other guyz I've ever been with. . . .which iz honestly a good thing. He'z not the type I usually get with I don't think at least sighz hopez I don't turn out to b wrong. . . anyayz that'z it for now

laterZ

I Feel Like Death ;/
mrow I got my new aohell account set up last night what my screen namez are ;x unless I actually instant message you to say hello you aren't going to get to know them ;p mrow and the only reason I'm not posting any of them iz because az of my entry yesterday I'm being stalked and having a lifeless consumer driven hairy male follow me around keeping track of when I sign on to my AiM account name PoisonIvySphinx and when I sign off of it. how lame and lifeless and pathetic iz that one? VERY! mrow anyayz, I'm extremely sick I kinda think that I might just have strep throat my throat iz killing me and I can barely swallow and my tongue feelz blistered. Eih the way I get sick no telling ;/ mrow I waz feeling really lonely last night after talking to Dima and having him brag and shove right into my face the fact he haz a perfect girlfriend and haz someone who wantz him for more than just a physical attraction and it waz eating me up I tried to forget it and go watch tv but nothing waz doing he'd made me realize how sadipathetic I am and so I had to come bak online to try and find someone to talk to. And indeed I did. I went into some Kentucky chat room and asked for someone to talk to me a lonely nineteen year old female and I had the perfect guy end up talking to me. He'z probably too sweet to b true But yeah he'z the exact same age az me pretty kewl I don't usually meet a guy like him that iz my age they're usually all older and then they turn out to alwayz b liarz and assoholicz anyayz shrugZ but shyeah we talked and he haz the same fearz of relationshipz az I do pretty unique. mrow he lvoz the Smashing Pumpkinz and I could probably get him into a lot of the stuff that I listen to ;p mrow I honestly like the Smashing Pumpkinz. He sent me a song off one of their non released albumnz I'm downloading it right now. My winamp won't werk right now so I gotta restart before I get to hear it but ohhh well. mmm my visionz a lil off right now where I took a couple more tylenol pmz I'm really not feeling good so shyeah I do need them. Anyayz, if you are cruious the guy I waz talking about'z name iz Andrew and he'z extremely cute he actually liked talking to me so eih that'z all that I really need to know for now ;p let'z see my monster friend iz a LOT better which I'm glad of. hmm I talked to my baby Katie last night I love Katie to death ;p she'z so fucking cute. mrow I need to go over to Texas and kill Curt for her tho lol he'z really becoming a dong to my baby. hmm I might have to take my lava lamp bak ;/ Eih can't really think of anything else to say right now. . . .

laterZ

psychic

Click here to find out what element YOU are!

Been Doing a lot of Thinking
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately when you don't feel so good physically and emotionally I guess that'z one of the basic and only thingz you have to do. mrow also if you're wondering why I haven't been writing lately I've been quite fucking extremely busy. I got my carpet last Thursday it'z fucking extremely beautiful. mrow I love my new room itz the prettiest room in the entire house. I have a walk in closet with a light fixture in it. Let'z see a glow in the dark unicorn light fixture for the main lightz of the room lavendear carpet lavendar wallz right now I only have two posterz up but they're both framed. I'll put everything else up later mrow Nick waz making fun of me the other day saying yeah at least you don't have to put your Leo posterz bak up. Fawk that I love Leo still I'd fuck him any day he'z extremely hot! but shyeah I had to take down every single little poster and thing I had stuck up to my other wallz in the basement that took me three hourz to do coz I had to b mega careful of not ripping shit. Let'z see then Sunday I went and bought my own compuker so I'll soon have my own phoneline and my own aohell account too I waz thinking of getting a cable modem but we live so far off the road we don't get cable az it iz we have a satelite system so I'd either have had to go with dsl or satelite and the guy at circuit city said we'd have to call the phone comanpy well I figured doing it thiz way would just b cheaper. yawnz my tylenol pmz are kicking in finally aunt flow and a cold have come to visit my body blah blah. mrow yesterday I went and babysat Drew for Sherry god hez so fawking adorable I love him to death. It waz so cute because we were both pretty sick yesterday he haz pneumonia and I have a cold so I fell asleep with him in my armz on the couch and like I don't know if he waz asleep or not the two hourz I waz, but when I woke up he waz just lying there staring at me like he adored me or something oh it waz so cute mrow it reminded me of the way I used to sleep with Josh like that and like I'd usually never fall asleep or I'd wake up first so I used to lay and watch him like that. mrow it made me feel special that I had a little person like him who'z only like seven or eight monthz old now he waz born in late March just adore me like that. It'z the most swwetest and precious feeling you could probably ever get ;p mrow I also talked to Melissa yesterday while I waz down there shh bad Heather. mrow anyayz, I found out and KNOW that I am being stalked by you raper who iz probably reading thiz journal right now not only did I have Josh reading thiz but thatz a bit different because I kinda have the feeling he waz just reading it out of concern to check on me because he actually cared even tho I acted like a bitch because of that and I really do have to apologize for that I waz just feeling a bit volated from it because I have stalkerz such az you raper who make me feel very creepy when having people stare at thiz journal without my knowing it. Not that there'z anything incriminating on it because everything I've wrote on here anyone who knowz me knowz about it even my parentz so you can forget about blackmailing me with anything that iz written on here. My mother haz also read many, many of my piecez on here she believez me to b extraordinarily talented az a writer and Brandon my brother whom I love very much haz read them all too. mrow and other people have read a lot of them too coz they were special nuff to but when people like you raper read thiz thatz just stalking me and I know you're probably doing it for your fear of finding shit out about Melissa and thinking you need info to blackmail me with because of her but I'll tell you now that you and Melissa'z relationship iz none of my business I don't inquire about it because I don't care about it I have more thingz to worry about I waz worrying about my ex who just now I know just couldn't love me and I understand that it just would have been nice if he could have been one hundred percent honest with me about it, but then again I guess we were both acting like spoiled children mrow but I'm going to take the first step to being an adult and fix the problem by apologizing for my actionz and for hurting him and for saying anything that might have upset him I more than likely said it all out of anger and meant none of it, because when you get me angry I become a redheaded firecracker who'z ready to explode. I suppose that'z why they call me a spitfire and a hellcat shrugZ mrow anyayz, yesh raper I'm not going to stop you from having a relationship with Melissa you and what she have iz YOUR business not mine and I'm not going to interfere in your livez because I don't see people az property certainly not my property and they are free to live their livez az they choose not how I tell them to and if she wanz to talk to you that'z her business not mine. But stalking people iz illegal in fifty statez and I'm not saying you're stalking Melissa, I'm saying you're stalking me by reading and nosing your way into my life by reading thiz journal that iz invading and infringing on my ammendmentz and my privacy. I guess my life iz just so fucking interesting that you have nothing better to do than sit here and read thiz journal that displayz and presentz the procedure of my bizarre soap operish life. mrow I'll admit it doez have it'z quirkz I honestly love my life it'z unpredictable and exciting ninety nine percent of the time and I do have people who love and care about me even if I don't want it. mrow ohhh yeah I have another person to apologize to which iz Brian one of the people who I deeply care about because he'z a great friend and person to me. He'z been there for me through quite a bit, LoL it waz kinda funny the way he thanked me the other day for not thinking he'z crazy when I'm ciiminally insane LOL mrow but I have to thank him for the way he can actually deal with me and not mind the way I'm so fucking suicidal and sad and depressed all the time he likez me anyayz ;p mrow he told me the other day he'd never hurt me like a lot of other people have mrow it'z kinda interesting to have someone say that to you when you've been hurt in every way possible. . . .ohhh mahn I forgot to write I met one of the most kewlest guyz the other day who actually livez in Kentucky and actually lovez Jack off Jill and anime that fawking surprised the hell out of me. I've never met hardly anyone who'z heard of Jack off Jill right off especially not in thiz fawked up state. mrow that waz pretty fucking kewl!

Berserk

I don't mind the feeling of pain I've gotten it for a hundred yearz without anastheticz from you I don't mind the voluntary falling rain It remindz me my memoriez of you Will soon wash away

I don't like the glaring rayz of the sun Singeing my face into ashez I don't like the sound of silence to come If I smoke seven different grassez Hiz voice bak to my earz will eventually come

I can't love myself I can't stand to look at myself I can't stand to have someone else Look me in the eyez Afraid of drowning lost into the sea of those eyez

I can't think of loving someone else With pain still so fresh I can't stand to see your face It remindz me of death'z fragrence You remind me of decaying innocence

You took away my state of grace Did you enjoy seeing fury take it'z place? You have yourself to congratulate To sending me into being berserk Because my plain featurez could never satsfy such a jerk

Unlock the magic kingdom'z puzzling gate To allow the prissy princess To enter under desire'z hate A peasant trapped in the body of a queen'z safe my soul iz what you ripped from me and to her gave

I can't believe you to ever love Let alone feel emotion I can't believe you to ever see more than a surface You'll never taste passion The amount belonging to everlasting

And I come back to tell you That I must thank you For defiling me into the handz of berserk A masterpiece of hiz werk Are the wrodz he told me When hiz paintbrush dripped the gargantua of talent to mold me

Naked Truth of Last Night
If you've been reading thiz journal and keeping tabz on my life then you would have to know that I've been talking to a guy named Nick for some time now. Last night we finally met, thingz were nothing like I had expected them to b. First of all he waz supposed to come over here at like one thirty and didn't get here until like a little after two. I mean thiz iz the fourth time we had tried to have thiz happen and every time he'd never show because he could never find hiz way out here to thiz fucked up territory. So he finally found it the third time but like waz mega late and I figured he just wazn't coming and gave up on it. So he knew where I lived thiz time and I figured hell he just izn't coming. So when he finally got here stopped the car and opened up the door to get out I waz like wow I'm impressed you actually came and hez like oh I'm sorry I'm late I waz thinking of not even coming. Which kinda made me think heiy he really doeznt even wanna b here and he waz feeling mega weird and waz drunk and it made me start feeling mega nervous and weird and I waz already nervous enough at just having him come over. For one thing I could have sworn I would get caught for letting someone come over here. I figured someone'z gotta wake up. I guess they didn't coz I put Cinnamon in hiz crate put my blanket over it and stuck that in the laundry room and turned the dryer on to get him to fall asleep so he wouldn't go barking hiz mouth off. Yeah then he kinda automatically started acting like Snoopy when he walked in here of oh my gawd you all must b rich. I'm like uhm no not really. I mean fuck we're not living in poverty but we're very far off from being rich. Ugh I hate the way people kinda look at my parentz material nature and assume it goez along with me. I could care less about wealth and money. I mean geez money iznt everything and it certainly doez not make you happy. ugh so then we walked down to my roomand then again just like Snoopy he sat there making fun of the fact I have up Leonardo DiCaprio posterz yesh I have a thing for Leo I find him hot I would fuck him okay? get over it! Then like just kept looking at all of my stuff I sat down on my bed hugging my kneez out of nervousness and like we started talking for a while and he told me how everyonez fucked up in some way and told me about a lot of hiz past relationshipz and how he haz a child on the way from going out with some girl who begged him to death to get her pregnant until the point he finally said okay and did it. Then she basically left him saying that she didn't love him and moved down to Florida. It'z just yeah he told me that after a while you get over the past shit but I kinda wonder if you ever do if you ever really loved that person deeply. It'z been two and a half yearz and I still love Will just az much az I did the day I first KNEW he loved me. He said he loved me before I ever fell in love with him. Will waz the most sweetest person I ever have been with and if I could go bak to it I would change a lot of ourpast histry and have stayed with him forever. So then he finally sat down on my bed looking around at all the stuff on my wallz and started playing with the stuffed animalz that I've thrown down into the nook right beside of the bed but there'z so many they surface up to the top of my bed and then he waz looking at my ryoki I had her out coz I waz hugging on her the other night when I found out all that shit about Snoopy. So I kept staring at him because I found him to b extremely sexy and he haz extremely sexy eyez. I just got thiz vibe of him not wanting me since he waznt looking at me and not trying to do anything to me and expecting me to get him turned on enough to want me. I mean I either want the person to want me at the beginning or not want me at all ya know? Plus I waz feeling mega weird and spacing out it waz like three o'clock in the morning. Then I got mega tired because I gave him a blow job and deep throated him and he basically fucked my mouth. I've never had a guy fuck my throat and mouth before something entirely different for me. sighZ then today now I feel like all my problemz are extremely petty at hearing how Adamz father just had a minor heart attack today. I feel extremely bad for Adam and I wonder why the worse thingz happen to the best people. Adamz one of my most favorite people in the world he'z the most sweetest guy and he'z so fucking smart and he'z alwayz been there for me when I've needed him. I guess that'z my thing I want someone that wantz to do nothing with me at first except go to first base and kiss me and french kiss me and just hold me. That'z ALL I want for now. I've done the sex complex just a bit too much and I'm tired of it I want real intimacy I want real love. ya know what I mean? nah if you're a guy and reading thiz you probably don't because you don't know how to give real love and then you never want just one person anyayz you'll have to cheat on her eventually shrugZ. mrow you can read my convo with Ali too to get a lot of what I feel. to b quite honest I really miss being with Melissa she'z the one and only person I've ever felt like I know what I'm doing with because I knew she loved me so I knew I wanted to jump on her and just start physically being inclined with her. Everyone else I've ever been with I've never known that. i've only known I want your body. Again thiz directz me bak to being Jane. "Jane sayz I ain't never been in love She don't know what that iz She only knowz if someone wantz her. I want'em if they want me I only know they want me" To b quite honest though I don't know how to act because I've never had a real date either. I want a date where I go out to dinner with a nice guy who sitz there talking with me holding my hand staring into each otherz eyez and then after dinner goez with me for a walk in the park, takez me to a movie or goez home with me to watch a movie and do nothing but cuddle and kiss and not try to go too physical with me until I'm ready and not pressure me into doing anything I don't want to do. Why can't I find that? Iz it because I'm just a hopeless romantic?

the Naked Truth about Men

AliThaWhiteTiger: hi

PoisonIvySphinx: how are you

PoisonIvySphinx: ever snuck a guy into your house late at night and gotten away with it? lol

AliThaWhiteTiger: no

AliThaWhiteTiger: I'm okay, u?

PoisonIvySphinx: i could b a lot better

PoisonIvySphinx: lol somehow i did that last night

PoisonIvySphinx: altho i didnt really enjoy it

PoisonIvySphinx: i kinda had the feeling he waz just using me

PoisonIvySphinx: and really didnt want me

PoisonIvySphinx: the way he like waz just sitting there on my bed yet wed talked about doing all thiz sexual stuff online

PoisonIvySphinx: shrugz i hate men

PoisonIvySphinx: and i really didnt feel up to starting anything with anyone

PoisonIvySphinx: itz been i dont remember not that many dayz ago

PoisonIvySphinx: ive been making myself forget stuff

PoisonIvySphinx: ever since i found out my ex bf waz cheating on me with a simpering ugly prissy bitchy blond little princess two weekz before breaking up with me

PoisonIvySphinx: and how hez still reading my journal without my permission to find out how i am because he supposedly carez about me yet wont talk to me to my face and doeznt wanna know how lifez treating me

AliThaWhiteTiger: well, that is when you end the journay

AliThaWhiteTiger: journal^

PoisonIvySphinx: lol no

PoisonIvySphinx: im not ending it just because of him

PoisonIvySphinx: i wrote something very evil about him on it

PoisonIvySphinx: and told him if hiz imperfect disgusting eyez dont stop scanning it

AliThaWhiteTiger: lmfto

PoisonIvySphinx: i will tell hiz stupid bitchy ugly blond little whore how hez let men suck hiz dick before ;p

AliThaWhiteTiger: omg

AliThaWhiteTiger: he's bi?

PoisonIvySphinx: no

PoisonIvySphinx: just haz let a couple of guyz suck hiz dick

PoisonIvySphinx: guess maybe he waz bi curious at the time

PoisonIvySphinx: but he doeznt usually tell people about it ;p

AliThaWhiteTiger: lmfto

AliThaWhiteTiger: I would like to have a guy that is bi

PoisonIvySphinx: so if he doeznt leave me alone i will go down to where he werkz and tell anyone i can find who werkz there too and tell them to spread it around

PoisonIvySphinx: ive been with a bi guy before

PoisonIvySphinx: itz okay

PoisonIvySphinx: i kinda didnt like it coz he wanted anal all the time from me and my gf

PoisonIvySphinx: and i dont do anal

PoisonIvySphinx: that guy who came over here last night kept trying to get me to do it

PoisonIvySphinx: but i said no way

AliThaWhiteTiger: actually, one of my fantasies is to be fucked by both guys...

AliThaWhiteTiger: I like anal..

PoisonIvySphinx: hmm i dunno

PoisonIvySphinx: my ex fingered me anally and i didnt mind it

PoisonIvySphinx: and yeah i kinda have that fantasy too

PoisonIvySphinx: two guyz at once lol

AliThaWhiteTiger: yep

PoisonIvySphinx: but eih im usually not good enough for men and i dont want just sex any more

PoisonIvySphinx: ive done the sex scene a bit too much

AliThaWhiteTiger: yeah

AliThaWhiteTiger: my b/f and I only do it when there is a special occasion

PoisonIvySphinx: i kinda wanna try the intimacy waiting a while until performing anything physical that goez further than my mouth

PoisonIvySphinx: awwww

PoisonIvySphinx: thatz so sweet ;p

AliThaWhiteTiger: girl, the guy that I lost my virginity to, it took almost a year till he got me to have sex with him

PoisonIvySphinx: mrow ever deep throated? i hate doing that

AliThaWhiteTiger: girl, I don't give blow jobs

PoisonIvySphinx: LOL

PoisonIvySphinx: really?

AliThaWhiteTiger: really

PoisonIvySphinx: izh proud of her Ali ;p

PoisonIvySphinx: yeah

PoisonIvySphinx: i dont enjoy them

PoisonIvySphinx: the only guy who ever didnt pressure me into it waz my ex and i only did it once for him

PoisonIvySphinx: but eih that guy talked me into giving him one last night and it about made me sick not from the taste just the way he waz basically fucking my mouth

AliThaWhiteTiger: I tried it once, and I didn't like it..

PoisonIvySphinx: ive never had that done before

PoisonIvySphinx: well til last night

PoisonIvySphinx: to b honest id rather go down on a girl

AliThaWhiteTiger: I've never done that..

PoisonIvySphinx: mahn i just wish i knew how to find someone who would b like that with not pressuring me into giving him anything but kissing sighz i kinda feel thatz just a non reality

PoisonIvySphinx: never gone down on a girl

PoisonIvySphinx: or the other

PoisonIvySphinx: lol

AliThaWhiteTiger: unno

PoisonIvySphinx: going down on a girl iz fun the other iz hard ass werk that made me feel sick and i kept gagging

PoisonIvySphinx: how did you and your bf meet

AliThaWhiteTiger: the first football game of my school's year... and he was there b/c his ex friend wanted to watch my town play... he and I are from diff towns

PoisonIvySphinx: ah nifty

AliThaWhiteTiger: yeah

AliThaWhiteTiger: he doesn't force me to do anything

PoisonIvySphinx: heh very sweet

PoisonIvySphinx: awww

PoisonIvySphinx: lucky

PoisonIvySphinx: sighz i just feel pressured into doing it if im with most people

AliThaWhiteTiger: he's never had a blow job, and if I don't want to, he won't force me

PoisonIvySphinx: kewl

AliThaWhiteTiger: yeah

PoisonIvySphinx: heh

AliThaWhiteTiger: the only thing I dislike is, he has a helluva lot of ex-g/fs.. and they won't stop calling him!

PoisonIvySphinx: eih i wouldnt worry about it

PoisonIvySphinx: he lovez you

PoisonIvySphinx: and they just want him coz hez great ;p

AliThaWhiteTiger: that's another thing, he's the first person in the relationship that said I love you!

PoisonIvySphinx: awwwww

AliThaWhiteTiger: it's usually me that says it first

PoisonIvySphinx: yeah

AliThaWhiteTiger: I'm so happy!

PoisonIvySphinx: lol

PoisonIvySphinx: really

PoisonIvySphinx: whyz that

AliThaWhiteTiger: cuz, I love him

PoisonIvySphinx: awww

PoisonIvySphinx: yeah id say so ;p

AliThaWhiteTiger: lmfto

AliThaWhiteTiger: how long are you online?

PoisonIvySphinx: i dunno

PoisonIvySphinx: dependz on how long the compuker doeznt fuck up

PoisonIvySphinx: im trying to post all my poemz and songz on to my journal right now

PoisonIvySphinx: i gotta get everything deleted off here of my mp3z and pix

PoisonIvySphinx: so i can redo the compuker

AliThaWhiteTiger: damn

PoisonIvySphinx: yeah

AliThaWhiteTiger: don't leave aim, right now

PoisonIvySphinx: it sux

PoisonIvySphinx: okay

Buck Off

Ride those stakes sooo high Don't go any faster than your guardian angel can fly Because you might just not end up in the arms of mercy Specially with a bitch so mercenary Ride that stallion mustang Battle the seven trials of Hercules and tame white fang Quick as lightning Strong as thunder Listen to me now as the bell of half past midnight is striking Because I'm faster than any wild western lilly and you're king of the toilet bowl plunger

You think you're so tough but you're honestly just arrogant A pebble in my shoe, you'd better run and hide before I step on you like a tiny ant Around in circles you prance Shooting at your prised stallion Hating Mexicans, Chinese, and even Italians You think you're so slick Deadest of the quick You're no top shooting gun slinger WHO IS SHE WHO IS SHE sorry you can't place that drivin fingerrrr You used to think you were so cool saying BUCK OFF Well mister Jesse James for me you can just FUCK OFF

You think you're so wicked wearing those spurs You can't tame me I'm a bad kittie and you'll never have the right rythym to make me purr Wear your leather and your raccoon fur You think you know it all and everythings so secure But its not and you're too stupid to ever find true happiness I lost interest Not the other way around You had the best woman that could be found But you ditched me because I wasn't into your stupid country western muisc, and I was too smart for a redneck You gave me no respect Im glad its over a redneck with a city raving slicker would have never worked for one sec

Chorus

You left me for some invisible girl Probably some cowgirl who makes me HURL Cowhands are they as skank as slut rolling around with the pigs and cows? God how HOW COULD I HAVE EVER FALLEN FOR A REDNECK? Don't ever try break me and wreck My perfect rock legend world Ever again by crossing my path with a man of a ranch Because I can't handle anything that wears boots chews and dips its NO match

Chorus

So long to rednecks and their four wheel broncos and truchs Your country way of life along with beans and cornbread SUCKS So go find some milk maid queen to have your teen young'uns Let her shine your boots and your rifling guns To me no way in hell will I EVER let you touch me not under this moon or sun Go screw your maw and paw Maybe some incest with the cousin It's the most ugliest sight I saw GO ON NOW TO YOUR HO DOWN YOUR BIG SHINDIG I've got better things to do than be tied down To a cowboy who likes to sleep and eat with the pigs Driving around in all your big rigz

Mystery

Accused of being a part of a superficial generation

However in this society I take no participation

Superficiality is not a word you could use to describe

The way I am, I won't accept your brocading bribes

I'm entirely too deep

I dream of one individual every night I lay down to sleep

My ambition to be with them I forever will keep

They're my last piece of confidence

I own since the world so fake that we live in as you say has taken my innocence

I lack a particular residence

Since I can't bear to stay with the family I was assigned

The way they treat me is totally out of line

All these stereotypes you scream at my youth, to me do not pertain

I have more in me than most contain

You say that listening to any musical piece

My generation only thinks of the video that comes in digital view

To these apparitions my mind does cease

Because in my sight everything comes in a much clearer hue

I don't go for just the desireful attraction

My words can be just as loud as my actions

I don't go for what everyone else does, I go after only that of which brings me satisfaction

I don't give a damn what the others think

The poison they suck on I don't wish to drink

I'm not perfect, underneath I'm also tainted

But when I wear a smile on my face it isn't artifically painted

It's sincerely real

From the happiness the thoughts of the one I long for bring to me and make me feel

Screw your oppressing opinions

Go ahead and think I'm one of the devil's minions

What you believe me to be I no longer care

All my life I've always had you all at a loss as you vacantly stare

Trying to figure out my mystery

You've never been able to understand and to that I hold over you a reassuring victory

Midnight

Grasping for air nervously waiting for the Grim Reaper to overpoweringly grip me by the throat

Upon your handsomely sexy, mischievous face my entire being dotes

Biding my time til the clock strikes midinight and an inevitable force will come to tear me away from you

And we will once again be seperated

The silly fairytale story of Cinderella being duplicated

Unto the world I am merely a simpering puppet, an adept slave

A ragdoll for you to tear at and despicably deprave

Falling in a hellish dream demons laughing at my tormented soul, a forlorn child

Condemned for being way too wild

Close to thought you reach for me, but from my eternal judgement and the pointing fingers, I am intangible to your touch

I need to feel your loving limbs around me so very much

Looking back your wishes come to reflect

For your demands I can and shall obey

I'll make sure to meet your captivating caprice and make you happy in every single way

My heart beaten black and blue from careless , inattentive neglect

Only you had reverence for my yearning desire

In me you warmed the frigid, forlorn, wintry veneer and ignited a blazing fire

Awakened by a ravaging restlessness that only appears when you have been seized from my possession

You have become my greatest obsession

My ambient spirit cries out in sheer agony and anguish

This dominion of sensations overrules all sanity piercing through my brittle bones lingering in my veins to languish

You with your willful mind can fully contemplate

Enough to know why my world has to be so royally complicated

Some mystical mystique that no one could ever seem to appreciate

So with the diabolical fiend's phantom you shall battle with fury to swiftly and cunningly conquer and slay

You shall trumph and place the beast in dismay

Inside of me you shall distill my distress and create a soothing haven to rid of me havoc and grief

You will argue until the last breath is spewed, you will fight to give me blissful belief

Because you sincerely care

The amount needed to keep me from shattering in true despair

You are my only hope, my strong brave warrior

You will duel with the darkest dimnensions until you own my heart and keep me alive

You shall have it, because righteousness is for what you strive

Longing

Longing for you as I sit still in my corner with placating patience

Deciding I've scared you into the belief that I'm high maintenance

The candle slowly burning down to a cinder as the minutes tick by

Questioning the reason why

You're not here with me

Contemplating exactly where you could be

Deep down inside of me lives a fear

A feeling consumes me that's quaintly queer

Afraid that things aren't as magical as they appear

Confused; my thoughts are no longer clear You take my hand, linking your soul to mine

Giving me an insatiable warmth so intriguing that I can't resist your invitation or decline

Your offer of affection

Encircling me in your strong arms, holding me securely enabling me with your protection

I whisper tenderly I love you

You whisper back that you love me more than of you I do

But I secretly know that it's not true

Not wanting to argue I'll let you win

You're just as stubborn as I am so there's no use fighting I'll only lose again

So I'll live with the fact that I love you above all other men

Once again you leave

Filled with an unsatisfying need

I'm not sure you know or see

To me how much you mean

You have me memorized like the back of your hand

Every action I take you understand

It usually brings me unwired to have someone know me so well

Forcing me out of my calm, little shell

With you I really don't mind

I feel the need to be with you and shine

I hear your voice every time I speak

Life without you is so incredibly oblique

I think of you nearly every thought

Every moment, every minute, every breath

Inside of me I have nothing left

Sleeping at night I have visions of you inside my head instead of sugarplums

I long for days of being with you to always come

O Leonardo DiCaprio, my Leonardo DiCaprio

O Leonardo Dicaprio! my Leonardo DiCaprio my sexy, idealistic heartthrob With your roguish, sex, seductive baby blue eyes you had no problem in easily diverting me to rob Away all my emotions into this sultry, vertigo state of confusion Every moment of the breathing day my thoughts cant help but feel your prescence come to mind, as your soul footsteps into my head for a long interlude of an intrusion But O Romeo! Romeo! Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo? Hence when will my Romeo appear for our steamy balcony scene? Where he climbs the vines to see the pale, pasty, capricious, mystical moonlight shimmer upon my face Come find your bountiful, bold, fiery, sweet lady of the starry night's fate Hurry my handsome prince, dont make me stay here for too long and wait

O Leonardo DiCaprio! my Leonardo DiCaprio! you truly do have me impressed Not only with your talent and suave debonair charm but with the way you act, smile, and are always so handsomely dressed At any second of time you are to walk into the room any girl who is in her right mind is sure to swoon She'll become breathless when you come in her sight, so very quickly soon Here Leonardo DiCaprio! dear lover! This hand upon your cheek It is some dream I succumb to every night That you whisper sweet nothing's in my ears under the mysterious midnight sky that is so sophisticatedly sleek Come find your bountiful, bold, fiery, sweet lady of the starry night's fate Hurry my handsome prince, don't make stay here too long and wait

My Leonardo DiCaprio I am unable to put your aura in my imaginative fantasy ambiance Still to society I will never listen as I raise my head and pert, prim, little chin in utter defiance My lover shall feel the brazen touch of my caress upon his cheek The ship shall sail into the gulf of the ocean and perhaps even sink If the huge, massive Titanic ship were to hit the edge of the ice's brink If the raging, rough, furious, flaring ocean waves Were to hit you and you were unable to save O come my Romeo! O come my Jack Dawson! Come find your bountiful, bold, fiery, sweet lady of the starry night's fate Save me from this eternal, miserable imprisonment Hurry my handsome prince, don't make me stay here too long and wait

Take Me

So this ain't the end

I saw you again today

I had to turn my heart away

You smiled like the sun

Kisses for everyone

Suspicious tales

That never seems to fail

You thought everything had been said and done

You believed you had finally won

I'm turning this whole situation back around on you

Everything you hear and contemptuously believe isn't always true

You thought this burned out girl wouldn't come

If I were you then I wouldn't turn around

Because I'm well way off the ground

You're stories were totally trippin, you're beginning to look like the royal clown

If you want my sympathy my sweet

Then you'd best quickly start to retreat

I think it's fair to say my love

You'd better see my way my love

I'm about to the point that I've finally had enough

Leaving and of this place you abandon

Hurting me more than I'd ever imagined

Suffering like an undeveloped country does from famine

Never in a million years did I believe this would happen

That I'd be perfectly fine and be able to go on living

If I didn't admit that I miss you then I'd be fibbing

Away from each other I know is where were drifting

Each day as time passes and the sun, moon, and stars are constantly shifting

My attitude no longer uplifting

You taught me how to live happily

Then you took it all away from me forcing me to once again exist sadly

Every single memory that ties me to you I'd graciously love to forget

But I can't stop thinking of the way you're soul next to mine felt

I can't quit remembering the tenderness your eyes for me held

Or the trembling sensation of the way being in your arms made me melt

I can't forget the taste of your sweet lips

The feeling of the rhapsody upon which I sweetly sipped

Of your name from my head I'd love to castrate

Each time I try to your voice comes to seep back in and of my brain penetrate

Not being able to say no to myself things only further to complicate

Haunted with your essence in all of my visions, I no longer am able to think straight

Believing I see your face standing out in the depths of the shadows, I'm beginning to hallucinate

Live or die is an issue I constantly contemplate

Be or not to be

What am I supposed to be?

Say it if you want to

And say it if you please

If you decide to

Don't just say it for my mind to be appeased

If you don't say what you're feeling

I won't take too kindly to it

I'm not a queen, so upon your knees you can quit kneeling

And all I wanted was something special

But you couldn't give it to me

And all you do is lie to me

You're a liar

You set my veins on fire

Dizzy as if intoxicated by champagne

You drive me insane

I know I hold you down with my moans and complaints

I will run, I will fight

No matter what emotions you ignite

Letting my guard down, as my heart is excited

I'll show you exactly what's up the sleeve of this spunky little sprite

Say it if you want to

And say it if you choose

Because if you don't say what you're feeling

I won't take too kindly to it

All I wanted was something different

Someone to make me content

But you couldn't give it to me

All you do is hurt me

Over and over

The passion that burns deep inside of me for you, I can't ever seem to smoulder

Wondering what makes me love you and become so attracted

I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder

I'll never stop loving you

No matter what you do

There's some extraordinary attachment

A sliver of hope that you give me that makes me extremely confident

Some secret you hold that makes me want to be more intimately close

I hope the sentiment of this feeling never goes

I hope the same desire upon you is bestowed

I remember the sunshine sometimes

When the nostalgia touches me from the base of your dark brown eyes

I've done all I can possibly do

So could I please go with you?

Indecision

Questioning if it's my insanity and my high depression that are the reasons you oftenly stay away

Living to exist by filling my head full of fantasies day after day

Never did any other reason for your disappearance ever occur

Perhaps, it's the fact that on the inside, I'm so vainly insecure

Wishing I could have the presence of your love around again to assure

My soul that I truly am special enough to be treasured in your love's sight

Longing to talk or hear from you night after night

Wondering if the reason you left was because you felt that by you I could never be made happy or satisfied

Now even more scared of losing your love or from it being denied

Because having your love behold me meant more than the world to me

From or by you I was never made to feel unhappy

Knowing that I was a part of you and that I had your love was what kept me sanctified

Dost thou still love me my beloved?

Canst thou tell me the truth if another is what you truly covet? Knowing that I'll desolately die if you don't come back soon to bring

The warmth that can consume me in your kiss and once again sending through me and allowing life to brightly sing

Now I stand here alone,desperately alone

Trying my best to hold back the tears that are seeping through my eyes to stingingly burn

Thinking of you not loving me turning my heart to stone

Uncertainty and trepidation seizing me to have at my soul a turn

Still I can't help but wonder if you do love me my sweet

Because so many have given false a vow to my ear just for my heart to be entreated

When upon my wanton lips they sought out their prey

Never again evermore to be pressed

Deceiving me for one moment in time, since they never do really stay

I've tried my best not to love thee any longer and to forget the way thy heart palpitated when lying against mine

Unto me my heart does viciously betray

Each day the longing only begins to grow stronger, as my heart urgently for you pines

Dost thou truly love me?

Wilt thee answer yes or no? My heart imploringly cries for yes to be your plea

Do not blame me if I doubt thee

It's just the way love is ever so changeful as the rushing tide

Not being able to see thee

For ever such a prolonged period of not being by my side

Leaves me cringing and grieving with doubt

Wanting to know exactly what's taken place so of this I can work it all out

Excrete it all out

In your bedroom eyes and your baby pouts

Only thou may answer yes

Yet the air rings through soundless

I pray that you know that I love you with all of my sound breath

Knowing that I contain your love gives me unendless bliss

Rain or shine you bring me ecstatic happiness

I love thee with all that belongs inside of me to exist

Each night having you in my dreams perceptively persists

Keeping the faith that exists inside of me alive

An answer is for what I justicely strive

Escape?

From me never

While I am I, and you are you

So long as this earth contains us both

Me being the affection, whilst you art the loth

While one eludes, I continuously shall pursue

To win you back my love,

My life is at fault though, I tremendously fear

It feels to much like destiny indeed,

No matter how dilligently I try, I partakingly won't succeed

What if I do lose you forever more?

What if I've failed to keep your love and I feel as if my purpose here is gone?

Am I to dry my raging, anguishing tears and move on?

And puzzledly get up and begin once again;

Is all that life amounts to one after the other of a chase?

While angel's gaze down at me from heavenly bound

Fairies gazing at me so deep in the dust of dark

To have my faith once again slip back down to the ground

To be placed in the same position as a newborn brought into this world in nakedness so stark

If this is all life consists of I demand all emotion from me be removed

Dost thou love me my lover?

Please answer my cry soon

Each day I wait,

I slip a little further, sinking deeper into the ground's tomb

Tasting the bittersweetness that sorrow brings of us having parted

From all others my heart is well guarded

But to me please hurriedly return

Each day spent without you, the fragments of a girl inside of me that repose grow more and more frail and forlorn

His Gift

I live with thee and your handsome face every day of my life Each night my silly, senseless head lays down to rest at night I dream of becoming your wife You've touched me, so I live to see it and know Not only in one way has this been able to have been displayed and not just in my eyes does it show Your soul has transformed to speak to mine and connect You didn't see just the skin surface of my anatomy, you looked deeper as if to see my soul's content, it you disected.

When near you make me feel light as a feather I can now not only see in my head the moor of heather, But now I can feel and actually touch it with the brush of my single palm When you're close, no matter what my mood is you can take away my skittishness and soothe me and make me calm. You take away all of my misery and pain It seems there's always some thought of you, something that always makes you sneak into my brain.

I love you with all of the depth and emotion of my entire heart, You riddle me with all these tedious games of playing darts I envy those who get to wake to his beautiful voice and sexy, seductive eyes The answer to the reason of why He is not mine arises every night as I watch the inconstant moon I especially miss him even if it's only been a short time since he left ago so soon

At times just his simple touch makes me feel complete My heart quickly speeds to a racing, palpitation whenever we meet And ever since we became closer, I've changed and I'm different from before As if, he hath brought some supernatural light to eye to let me see things in a different perspective Forcing me to look deep down into the parts of my core that I didn't want to see and of life to become more reflective. My mind, that had deviated so My pixy state transformed now Vanished to become tame, docile and proud enough to take this vow

Forever

The extent of your emotions you feel for me leaves me royally impressed

No one else could fulfill the super psychedelicness I yearningly crave, that only you can possess

Longing for the touch of your sweet caress

Listening to the soft drawl of your voice is like the gentle, pacifying sound of a lullaby

Even though to that thought you would repulsively deny

Believing myself to have had other's love me before More than anyone else who I have ever met could possibly have for me

Because under my flimsy surface is upon to which you do see

You could hear the silent screaming plea

Asking for someone to bring relief and help to assist

You appeared out of the dreams from the midst

Battling myself for serious control

Pain having taken it's capricious toll

The succulent satisfaction you brought I couldn't resist

The tiny glimmer of ecstasy you showed me, the way you could extract from me so much bliss

The sweet charisma of your soul, is to which I dive and drown slowly

The momentum bringing me down, giving me the purity I lack from being unholy

The mystery in your eyes, enthralling me to believe

Fantasy of my silly dreams taking over, reality is a place upon which I no longer can conceive

Because of the warmth inside of me that feels so good, that one glance could merely retrieve

How could I ever go back to being a simple marionette

With your name on my lips, a harmony that I could never let myself come to forget

Contemplating whether all that it is, am I just another silly dreamer who's dizzy in the mind?

Why can I never seek the answers that I randomly always try to find?

Lost in a sea of depth is where I've been banished

Is the way this feels merely a figment of the imagination that will become quickly vanished? Famished from days that have passed and not tasting your delectable, delicious kiss

Biding my time

For midnight to come and the clock to piercingly chime

To pull me far away from you in the shimmering moonlight

Winning no matter how strongly I fight

Taking me back to the shadows of the dark gallows

Where I am banished to stay, from the retribution of my sins and my guilty charm of being unhallow

Forever I shall wait chained to the desolate grave of the faceless clock

Waiting for my death to come of hanging, the pious individuals look at me in shame and mock

The misery without your presence I have come to know

Be careful what you reap is what you shall sew

My last remaining breaths, to your name is to which my lips devote

Succumbed by pestilence, my tortured soul becomes remote

Giving myself up to the destruction, waiting to see you and become reunited

Knowing that the love we share can never be destroyed, leaving me with my last glimmer of hope and excitement

Snoopy

Yo snoopy For so damned long you've been on my bak Spying around interfering in my history Keeping track Of all my pristine loverz International investigative private eye undercover Tearing off anorexic magazine coverz Hoping to find my newest addition of the male gender'z name You're not going to find out So sorry you came Nosy Nosy Why can't you stop following me? You think you're in love With a snoutfaced slut When you can't let me go You're just feeling guilty for the liez you told

Puppy Puppy Howling at my heelz Won't stop staring at me Swallowing time release color cap pillz Iz it because you have no life? Iz it because you're fascinated at thinking I'm a dyke? Too bad I saw you sucking cock last night Maybe you wanted to know how it feelz To taste a great big dill Still sniffing around my door Hounding me for more Exciting information Of a meaningful building foundation You'll never have your own thoughtz because you can't live without hesitation You're afraid of God'z visitation Because it might just prolong your sexual frustration Blond cheap imitation Mind whisper game I said don't involve me in your shame

Yo Snoopy You don't care about me So take your bone and food dish And traipse your sorry ass bak to your ugly blond witch I've got better thingz to think of Then you Complication you can't deal with that much Too complex for you Simple minded protozoa I'm sorry to say I've ever known ya Stoked your sexual desire while sitting on the sofa You asked iz five minutez too brief? Damned straight it iz Snoopy Don't think of me When little miss blondie Leavez you by the fire lonely I won't give into the false reverence you have for me

Doggy Doggy Crying at the moon Kitty Kitty Ran away with your dish and spoon You're still after her wishing She'd give you your confidence bak You won't get into heaven for that Speaking with nine livez You're burnt out Call nine one one coz she'z on fire And she won't hear you out She knowz all about What you want She won't let you receive comfort For hurting her You ruined her With the process of deciding You'd lie to her truth unproviding You made her think she'z a tramp When you're the one with a bitch on her bak Legz spread apart You lost every piece of my heart So fuck off I'm tired of you coming around! Rover Rover Don't you dare come over Miss Neko doezn't want to lay eyez on you So turn around and leave her alone If you Decide to come any more near her your male package you'll come to disown Get the hell away from me Stop intruding on me I don't want you to know any more about me I have a private disposition And your horny dick just won't listen Take it bak Step the fuck bak Take yourself bak To the whore you could get to crouch so low Az to suck on your donut'z hole Because I'm not gothic for just anything I don't believe in misdemeaning men for just anything I will cut your tongue out If you try and go around Talking about How many faultz you thought I had hanging around my neck When you're the one who needed to take hiz complaintz into check Fuck off Snoopy Because I'm through I don't want you Not even az a friend or anything more Take yourself bak to the beauty whore!

Why iz the World so Lifeless?
mrow ya know I could never find a nickname that suited my ex when we were together but after what I found out a couple of nightz ago I now know the perfect nick name to fit him-Snoopy! mrow I found out that hiz stupid imperfect eyez are still fixating themselvez on thiz journal. mrow I don't know I guess he keepz reading it since he said oh I just want to find out how someone I care about iz riiiiiiiight more like I need to read it and see that you're over me Heather so I can stop feeling guilty for cheating on you and breaking your heart and hurting you and make you ate men ONCE again! yeah well asshole if you care about me so fucking much why'd you say Heather I can no longer b with you Why in the hell did you say knowing I waz talking to you how fucking plain and ugly looking I am? Why the fuck did you never know me? Why the fuck did you never give it a chance to get t oknow me? You know fucking nothing about me and I'm honestly damned proud of that one Why the hell did you cheat on me before leaving me and then lie about it? You never fucking cared about me if you had cared about me you wouldn't have treated me so fucking shittily. you know what do me a favor and fuck off Snoopy! mrow because Snoopy you keep letting those disgusting eyez of yourz scan thiz personal manifesto of Heather then I'll go find that skanky prissy blond princess bitch girlfriend of yourz and tell her how you let men suck your scuzzy dick! mrow these thoughtz belong to someone worty enough to read them, someone who never had the nerve to think of hurting me. who never had the heart to break me or mine. mrow and you think that I'm nothing az of you've apparently told your stupid little whore. Let'z get one thing straight I can do MUCH better than you and in fact I have done much better than you Will who iz not even of legal age yesh he'z only seventeen and he at seventeen iz ten timez the mahn you'll ever b. mrow you could have tried the friendship bit after just fucking killing me into the palmz of misery but you chose to not even call me, message me, email me, make any contact to me and that showing you don't give a flying fuck about me stop worrying about me I am no longer your concern and you don't feel the lest bit sorry for what you did to me so don't lie about that one either. mrow and to b quite honest for the circumstance I still love Will deeply I probably alwayz will he after all waz my first true love yesh I actually and sincerely loved him and you know how I know it? I still love him to thiz day even tho thingz didn't werk out for us even tho he hurt me over and over I still love him of course he ACTUALLY felt quite bad for the way he hurt me and he proved it by wanting to make it up to me and haz alwayz been pretty fucking sweet to me. Ya know it figurez I am so used to being thrown over and cheated on for the stupid, ditzy, bimbo, superficial, lacking in all substance, bubble gum chewing, bubble headed, retarded, prissy, stuck up, bitchy little blond princessez. shrugZ go figure. Anyayz, a few thingz to Snoopy. First off don't EVER call me Heath again that nick name that referz to me Heather iz to b used by people who actually give a flying fuck for me like the onez my dearly beloved who started it. Can't remember if that waz either Will or Melissa. doeznt matter I love them both to death. mrow next if your stupid ass who supposedly carez about me so fucking much wantz to know how I'm doing either pick up a phone, hit the mail button and write me an email, or hit that little im button and send me a message. ohhh wait you don't miss me that much to attend to the hassle of going through with that you just feel guilty enough to read my journal yet you don't want to know how my lfie iz treating me nor hear about my every day hasslez if so DON'T read my journal. Next on my agenda just to let you know Nick iz NOT my boiyfriend altho if he wanted to b and I wanted to let him b we could very easily arrange it. But thanx to a narcissist assholic I waz with I don't feel ready to let my feet tread the waterz of men. Yeah thanx for fucking my attemptz at relationshipz up one cagain. mrow go die! Yesh so if you see me speaking of a realtionship that broke my heart into little tiny piecez lately I'm not speaking of Will, I'm not talking of Tim, and I certainly am not even thinking of it being Nick, Nick haz NEVER hurt me. mrow he doezn't want to hurt me because he actually considerz and thinkz about my feelingz something a son of a bitch could never take on. mrow yeah hiz simple amoeba brain just couldn't take on the complicationz of a gothy because of having but one cell. mrow yeah Ryan told me I waz complicated a century ago. shrugZ I don't want someone who'z looking for the simple doll like feminine tragedy of woman kind. No I want someone who will look past my physical appearance and want to have the compliated life without a simple mind. mrow one last thing to Snoopy STY OUT OF MY DREAMZ! I'm sick of waking up in cold sweatz wanting to scream and pierce my lungz. mrow Heath Ledger come take that scuzzy dickweedz place. . . .

Lullaby of Destruction

You threw me out When the telephone hit the pound Key sign You can't read my mind Because you refuse to pull open the curtainz Enclosing my eyez You don't want to feel me Hiz lipz could send me to the moon Outspoken hysterically The queen of ice imprisoning me in her freezing room no more space in her heart To pay me justice I lose myself in the lustre Of thinking he just might want me That he might just love me Because you no longer want to hold me

Emptiness can you feel it Surrealism Can you believe in it Imperialism I know you want it Innocence I used to own it Realization I've come to embrace Romance What iz thiz? Exclamation You can't live with it Love I don't know you any longer Blood Fallz down my fingerz

You weren't paying attention to my screamz Iz your craving for the lust of recognition more important than my agony A trickle of ink falling from eyez iz more often than a lullaby A whore of acceptance You don't listen to the night'z cry Invisibility of a red head banshee Criminally insane you label me Your kiss iz abusing Again I'm losing My body to a mindless prophecy Punished for profanity Beaten for swearing You swear to nothing but yourself Insecuritiez melting Thiz time allowing Me to force you into hurting

Tender capillariez The porelaine iz puncturing Iz sixteen The perfect quantity To transform the ancedote Pushed down My shadow iz becoming a ghost You don't know Do you You don't want to know Now do you How it feelz To become lost How it feelz To b forbidden into the dark To have an entity steal Your last breath To have your life lose all of itz appeal To kiss the palmz of death You'll never feel Alone like you have nothing left You'd better pray it'z never taken

Fairyland iz to my left Some call me the PiXy otherz call me the nymph Don't touch me with your tongue'z tip Brutal crimson lipz Leaving scarz down my sidez Wounding me even deeper on the insidez You don't care now do you black widow Fangz of an underground to hide Deep beyond the weeping willowz I won't let you lie Say your purpose I'm waiting For you to propose The secret of your heart you keep closed

Jilted

I must congratulate and thank you For giving me this material I've seen you So many times it makes me puke bak up my breakfast cereal You think we want your boyfriend'z dead ugly corpse She'll give you a disease called venereal Which is more than you ever gave me You don't intimdate me I would never give you what you wanted of me I asked you to kill me You were too much of a pussy To even think of evaporating me You thought you could murder me with pleasure Doez pleasure evolve from a feather duster? Because you gave me heartburn point dexter!

You're still following me Do you love her I don't think so unless measily Stupid thirst quencher How long will you keep her Before you lie to her Before you go sneaking around the bak of another Just to b fulfilling your ugly dampening dick I'm going to cut it off and sell it To the ugliest whore To use az her toy of torture To stick in your mouth that broodz And condemnz my lipz burned and bruised By kissez of the dead You think he hurt me You're the one who made me see red You can hurt a lovely girl you're so fucking gifted Another red haired wench for a blond princess you've jilted

You want to know how I'm feeling How I'm doing My soul is not your concern So don't act like you're interested to learn More about me I no longer want you talking to me I no longer want you reading about me My life of mystery To you bastard is off limitz You can take full credit For fucking up my taste of relationshipz Destroying my future with men You're such an asshole shoving A dick up an ass I hate your stupid ass

Chorus

Fuck off I don't want to take your phone callz I don't want your messagez I want you to get the message We're through! Go on and move Straight on Stop paying me any morsel of pity Stop paying attention to the way I'm living My heart'z owner iz none of your god damned business He'z ten timez the person you could ever b with any amount of wishing Going kissing Down the hallway You fucked me over az a lady I won't keep on saying I love you I don't need you So get the fuck out of my eyez Get the fuck out of my mind

Chorus

These wordz pour out like snowflakez Drizzle on to the ground You don't know how much patience it takez To drown Into the sea of complication You belong to the simple minded With the peachez and cream complexionz I belong to the soul of the God of wine You'll never kiss these velvet lipz again Hope you're happy inside Will she love you with all your desperation You're in love iwth a concubine She'll use you until you dry all the way up Just like a sponge Sunny side up Apple cake bottomz down with lemon meringue Gum dropz falling from the sky Because I sang a distressing lullaby And you never listened to the harmony You threw me away Just like yesterday You'll never love anyone fully Because you can't love yourself conciously You don't know yourself entirely Female specimen entitled prissy You couldn't stand the sight of me Hair too frizzy Eyez too dilated Love too clingy That'z why affection thanx to you iz violated I don't need you to keep me down in the weather Of rain cloudz Take her Stop focusing your imperfect eyez on the melancholy

Compelled to Bite

Fangz beside me Sleep tightly In your cocoon of misery Thought you'd leave me Here all alone Going somewhere? I don't think so Laughing and staring Because you can't believe The blood stainz on my teeth Were real Know when you feel My bite You'll never know now will You sire Damnit wait why did I yield For a one stand of not even half burning desire?

Could've told me You were using me only For one thing That you were only trifling With my sweet affection So you could fuck me and then end up running Add me to the whorez without boyfriendz section Grand day for a ceremony of witch burning I'll die gladly without protesting Just show me Where you want me I'll give away the soul I've spent so long protecting Because a soul iz good for nothing I've fought to keep it thiz long And why do I keep battling? Not a fucking clue Because I used it all on you And it did nothing for me So forget thiz nightingale swallowing Up your bait who will only b purging The disgusting boiling sticky fluid you want me consuming You think temptation keepz pushing me

I'll send you the picture if you purchase me Until then you can't lay eyez upon me Self centered demon spawn with my heart in your handz I'll lose your attention in one sitting I only need to show you the scarz of my wounded adrenal glandz Glycerine down the throat Nothing left to repeat Decal of a slut who can gloat Don't dare feel sorry for me No forgiveness attached to my shoulder Looking at me az if do I know her? You know damn well who the demon iz You think you've got me In an overdramatic orchestra of tearz Your just a bad dream I don't want to remember

Come count dracula Vampyra'z ready for a quick painless burial Straight to the ledge Lose myself to your bite of freedom Drink my blood beneath the city of angelz bridge Angel wingz opening They want us to sip upon the crucifix To let them cleanse our sin Sorry angelic creature you can't have it Teeth markz upon an angel'z neck Tasty crimson angel flesh I could have had you Really? Then why wazn't I the on echosen Too bad you don't know what you're missing What your tiny mouth could have experienced I no longer want to taste you I no longer want to chase after you

I don't want to see you I accepted full fledgedly all you offered One drop after You pierced my tongue with silver Taking away everything you dispensed Expression without exclamation A kiss without tongue How could you Mixed drink containing my blood You're from the coldest breed You fucked me Over and over You never possessed me Not like I possessed you And you think you gave me Nothing to fullest force absolutely How wrong you were darling Because I took your essence for the copying To sell to all the little slutz heartz your denial kept crushing Informal and skanky I don't fucking care how nastily You think of me Your despising of me Will you get no where when testifying To prove the truth That you never hurt me You're lost without a prayer Gothic wanna be bowing down to a suicide queen to become hiz savior Your pleaz of sorry can no longer condole her And she won't listen to any word you tell her She wanz to b your killer She wantz to hang you and feed you to Siberia her pet tiger Just to smile at your torture Would make me die happily Your kiss once scorched her The one that deceived me I'm no longer So stupidly trusting so don't think you'll get away with me

Foreign

I could bite you in two Because I'm sick of looking at you I know all you think about Sex lust and luscious carniferous thrustz All you ask me iz wanna fuck I threw one night standz out over the balcony I would have jumped with them If you hadn't stopped surrounding me with your company Never thought I'd feel thiz fully sickened again Been used and chewed on by too many Don't even think to ask me to fly to Tuscany I know where thiz iz going You want to see my pantiez Just so you can b the one to go off bragging

I've turned into a violent cannibalistic man hater After I became your seven night fling bystander You never did provide her With anything that could comfort her You only subjected her To know how To feel more alone I can't ask for you to come bak home Because I don't want you with your rabid glistening mouth of foam Drooling from body partz An anatomy I'd love to use for bodily harm To your french maid made out of foreign partz Exactly the same az your subliminal emotion harm

You can't stop reaching out Trying to pin my hostility down You can't hold the anger in me down It'z been stemming from the kingz of the stoneage I meet one every time I turn around my face My headz spinning around You think you deserve to get more than what you give I want to tear your tongue out I ask you for what your oweing You look at me az if you've ran out When I'm the one who'z left with nothing Because you took all I had to give out That'z what I get for free handoutz Of a soul That you could never for a second appreciate All the recognition of feeling you never could know

I'm a first class murderer Shut up bitch you're starting to annoy her Bitter against the opposite gender I've been accused of same sex tendenciez You invaded my privacy When you tricked me into revealing my secretz You should die for the unlocking For the unnerving Of a perfectly fine female Because you weren't willing to have anything hassle Your impeccably organized little life I'll take your life With a bottle of champagne, a book of matchez and two fistz pummeling Striking viciously at that head full of nothing Except a dominance you keep exercising With the rule of your thumb Because you think I could become Your steady hormonal wildcat trapped in your unromantic kingdom

You thought my adoration of you waz so common Passion and fire aren't easy to come by So what if I had a fixation You can trade my body for something much more soft and silky But you can never reciprocate the emotion You'll never again find me To think of az your latest addiction Latex form fitting legz laying on your bed But can she give you the satisfaction to fill your head Extremely seductive mistress I turned you off being miss galaxy express I came from Venus's outer space She came from the brink of enterprise with a liposucked new face You kissed and sucked her toez Because just one time and she'd let you go Down on anything you wanted I gave you everything you wanted A piece of rotten meat Iz the prevarification with which I waz treated And you'll never know me Because you think you're so lucky Sucking and scrubbing Skin polished with finesse Your heart'z still crying Even though your penis izn't your still interlocked in loneliness

Practicing

Excuse me For not being your dream come true Excuse me For not agreeing to become see through Did you honestly Want your eyez to see the real me If you'd wanted all of me You wouldn't have refused to rescue me You would have clasped onto me no matter how bad or weak You would have never left me Just for looking at you with eyez so empty

Let'z get something straight Birthday boiy I never stole your cake You licked the icing away When you closed your eyez and viewed me az a cast away Sugarplum drawbak I hid my PiXy wingz inside my sleevez You couldn't have that I told you a secret that changed your eyez from green to black Would you have kissed me if I hadn't said that? Would you have kept me if I hadn't of released that You complicated the matrimony of two soulz When your filthy aged lipz kissed and told You never thought I'd find out I did when I sucked the river of tearz all the way bak down

Rough around the edgez You labeled me in junction az plain See what price her red hair can fetch Stupidly fell in love with you again Bakdoor tete tete You said love drove you to do it Affection made you sleep with me more like it Warning label enclosed B careful with her spine neuro surgeon or she'll blow Come on you and me now let'z go Don't act like you didn't know Violet lover Stuck with a wildflower so you could never want her Simplify it and kill her Because your lipz never once fulfilled her

You never grew accustomed To letting me come in You had three minutez left with me and instead fucked them I no longer wanted to come in When I waz the plain little mouse you wanted Yes you always believed me to b your mouse To encompass in a brown paper bag You couldn't take the sourpuss's mouth Afraid of metal, afraid of matchez Witch in the stablez burned down You killed her with an imbecilic attraction I still feel him from centuries ago That filter into a ceramic diamond pattern only to drown How can you accuse me and say I don't You'll never fucking know!

You only felt petty misery You've never had terror Bite into you az it'z bitten me And I'll never regret him knowingly When I look bak on you a melancholy period fallz upon me Because you own my mind stupidly He ownz my heart for eternity You never looked at me With eyez the way he did You never looked at me adoringly You looked at me az a burden He loved me You were caught in denial Of leaving an infatuated freezing spiral Of hatred against women Against me Admitting your true feelingz would have been entirely Too damned easy To ever have the dexterity To become a human being and tell me Until you were through with the practicing

nothingz ever what it meanz
screw it all to hell nothing'z ever what it seemz. Nothing can EVER become different it'z alwayz the same in my life and I'm tired of it you know you think you find one thing that'z different and you alwayz have it change right before your eyez to show you it waz never what you thought it appear to b. I'm so tired of waking up to an illusion. mrow ohhh mahn scary I'm starting to sound like an ex boiyfriend of myne. . . .then again nao Heath they made you wake up from your dream not the other way around az usual. mrow nao wonder I don't trust anyone nor any mahn. I'm tired of trying to find someone or want someone I really am. mrow because don't get me wrong we KNOW I want sex, then again if we don't already we should by now know that I want and have to have more than just sex I want a connection involved with it too. mrow I get the feeling that the only thing Nick ever wanted from me waz to get inside my ass for anal sex and nothing more. mrow fawk it. fawk it all to hell. I'm not going to go for any mahn again I'm not going to think about any mahn I meet, if I'm going to fantasize over a male specimen he will come straight from the bak of Heather'z head. I'm tired of feeling sick too. sighZ I give up.

Crappy Feeling
Feeling ugh I've been sick for gawd knowz how long I threw up like all yesterday and I waz okay Friday but just didn't feel incredible or anything and I've been pretty damned lonely ohhh yeah Friday I had the most bizarrest dream. I had thiz dream of having sex with Josh in it several timez mrow and then like I had a dream of getting bak together with him and going to some formal dance and having like all these snobby girlz who were friendz with him preppy like come bugging me and like uhm just getting me to do thingz while acting like my friendz mrow it waz incredibly strange I woke up in a bad cold sweat az I usually do with dreamz that I just can't comprehend and that frighten me in wayz. Mom and I like went out Friday looking for paint and carpet for my room we found really pretty grape like a tropical silky like color for the room and then the closetz painted lavendarish and then we found the most awesomest light fixture thingy to go over the light socket that haz like a rainbow and a unicorn on it it glowz in the dark. mrow we didnt really find any grrrreat carpet just yet but eih Ive kinda decided I'd really rather have purple carpet too. Then yesterday like we had to take little Donniez truck to Walmart to get new tirez that cost like a hundred and eighty dollarz for him I REALLY don't like him I wish he'd disappear from hanging about our house and stuff. While hiz tirez were getting fixed me and mom went over to the mall to walk around like we ran into Cruella Deville there she waz like noticing where I'd lost a lot of wight yeah I guess being sick all the time would do that to a person eih I'm still bleh looking go ask the ex of myne who labeled me "plain". yeah I waz watching Only the Lonely today and John Candy waz marrying Ally Sheedy in it gawd I love her and like hiz brother waz like are you sure you want to marry her? Why not go down to Floirida and find yourself a sexy girl in a bikini and like John Candy turnz with him to look in the mirror and askz if thatz GQ or what and like hez like nao but iznt she just a bit plain? mrow right then it made me think of that moment of hearing those wordz and about wanted to start screaming, mrow anyayz shyeah yesterday going through the mall I got a pair of new black platform like shoez without bakz and a really cute black with a blue glittery medallion shirt. Then we went into Hastingz they have a much better anime selection then Blockbuster but then again I can't order my Birdie moviez from anywhere but Blockbuster blah. mrow shyeah I watched Maid to Order with Ally Sheedy in it today too that movie rulez I love Ally Sheedy grrreat stuff. sighZ I want some incredibly cute guy to play with right about now but like thatz going to happen ugh I still feel like crap and my eyez are trying to water again momz taking me to the doctor tomorrow I know I have a bad ass sinus infection these thingz kill me. . . .mrow I had two juvenile delinquentz come fawk with me thiz morning saying they thought I waz one of their friendz but to b quite honest I have the feeling it waz probably some enemy of myne coming to try and fawk with my mind but I'm too smart for that bull shit. . .

Why doez it alwayz have to b an argument?
mrow eih well we finally got up thiz morning and like my dad and I got into thiz huge argument he started yelling at me like all morning and like yelling at me for acting silly and immature and just trying to b funny and have some affection of someone and wanting to b held. mrow and like so he started yelling at me and like wanting me to do all thiz stupid shit for my stepmomz niece that I didn't wanna talk about of my best friend Christina whom I adore but haven't seen in monthz nad knowing I'm not going to and didn't have her home for Christmas quite depressed me and he just couldn't seem to understand that. Again he made me eat thiz morning and it waz nasty ass shit and drink coffee black az I drink if I do. mrow and so then we got into a major argument because of some look I gave and he got me to start crying and called them fake tearz he doeznt understand how fawking depressed I am or how much I missed Cinnamon since he'z the only one who seemz to love and understand me and have my personality and soul. So like then we just got mad at each other and started yelling and I started crying even more and screaming to go home and he threatened to call the police on me coz hez an asshole at timez. mrow and then like he took me home and yelled at me the whole time home and I yelled at him bak and we just had thiz insane huge argument where I don't know what love iz and how I could care less about hurting people the worldz made me a bitter self righteous hag I suppose but eih mrow I don't want to b nice any more. I just want to say and speak my mind and say what I feel and show it. mrow all I wanted to do waz say hello and leave it at that nothing about my best friend but naooooooo he wouldnt have it az that he started trying to tyranize me and nao nao nao men DON'T tell me what to do in nao way in hell mrow gawd I'm tired right now sighz. so he finally took me home and like at first my mom would not even talk to me and then I guess she heard mestart crying or something and got over it plus Cinnamon had thiz huge place on hiz side and it waz starting to look mega worse and puss out liquid. so we had to end up taking him to the vet and having him checked out. The vet and my mom had said it too before we got him to the vet thought that he'd gotten bitten and they'd gussed it waz from a cat or somethin so he gave Cinn some antibioticz to help with him and like then he had to have hiz annual shotz coz he waz due in Oct and he figured he might az well do it now. mrow my mom killed like three of my fish Oz, Calypso and Neko. mrow the pet shop replaced Oz and Neko but eih they told her that the catfish Neko died coz of there not being any algae in the water of the aquarium just yet so it had nothing to live off of. mrow the dalmation almost died whinez Botanz my favorite I'm hoping it'll b all right. mrow it waz from the temperature not being right it waz at first too warm so she turned it down and it got wayyy too cold and froze them. mrow I felt really bad. but eih I'm glad I got new onez to replace them. hmmm then like we went to the store and ran into my dad at Krogerz and like he told me that Barnez and Noble like had the book by Agatha Christie we saw az a play at Danville and like itz called Murder at the Vicorage I didn't know the title I waz looking for it the other day at the library. mrow I love that book I loved watching the play hottiez were in it ;p heh mrow then like I waz sick AGAIN like basically all day I threw up birth control and coffee yum yum. mrow and then like I dunno just sat around thinking and like then a little bit earlier I talked to Nick mrow ya know I think hez'a lot like me that'z kinda scary. mrow hiz family basically actz like he'z not even alive mrow I don't feel it'z right but eih he acted like he didn't mind it he probably really doez and just doezn't want to say so but ohhh wellz. mrow I feel the same way but I'm too much of a temperamental shrew to put up with it. I won't let anyone treat me az a ghost. shyeah though he'z a loner like I am maybe just maybe that'z why I feel like I have such a connection with him eih I dunno mrow sometimez I feel weird about it. mrow eih tho it'z kinda neat too I guess to actually talk to someone who understandz it and I guess maybe thatz why he can't put up with how depressing I am too mrow sighZ I feel like a mega loser right now tho just don't know what to do with myself in wayz. . ..sighZ ohhh wellz mrow shrugZ

Christmas 2002
hmm well guess where I waz stuck all day being totally miserable and once again hiding it deep, deep down inside? my fatherz house with hiz grrreat wife my stepmom Wilma I felt incredibly bad because I'd felt like eih I'd knocked them out of getting to go up and visit her family in Harlan county something or other like that, because I waz stuck there not by choice or anything really because to b honest deep down I really wanted my mom I missed her more than anything and it waz killing me feeling like she really, really hated me because she never once apologized to me even when I did apologize to her. She never once took on any of the blame even though most of it waz her fault. So most of the day I justlayed on my fatherz couch sulking at the way my life sucked so much and thinking about how much I missed my ex and then like I thought a lot about how much I wanted Nick lol yesh I am terrible at saying what I feel any more ;p mrow so I like So like that morning he let me open the presentz he and hiz wife got forme. I got from my dad a dvd and ccr combination player, the first Harry Potter book, an extremely cute poodle purse that they got down in Frankfort, some really pretty black dress sockz uhm thiz cute porcelaine train, candy, and letz see from hiz wife I got thiz picture thing to put picturez in and hang up on the wall not very pretty and then like thiz very cute picture with pix on it to hang up on my new wall. Then I got the movie Coyote Ugly from my sister Becky and the second Harry Potter book from my sister Amber. mrow my sister Becky called us several timez on Christmas kinda happy about that because I got the run down of how the situation waz looking. mrow she told me how my sister Sherry gave us all twenty dollarz and a twenty five dollar gift certificate but at the time I waz a bit mad at her too for like totally and completely ignoring me while I waz there acting like I waz invisible. i've put up with that bull shit from entirely too many people so there'z nao way in hell I'll take it from anyone i'm really related to. So like eih then I heard how my cousin Michelle waz extremely upset from her ex husband and hiz parentz getting custody of her little boiy for like six monthz of the year. and so she like baked up and hit the bumper of my stepfatherz basially only year old grrreat condition truck and like scratched it a bit basically scartched the rearend of her car and busted her tail light. So shyeah I got the spotlight basically taken off of me that day. mrow although I feel like such a fawking pity case the way everyone'z alwayz trying to find some cure for my eyesight that they're never in a million yearz going to find. mrow I gave up hope on it just like I did love. Let'z see everyone but me in my family went up to West Virginia without me my mom told me she loved me at the end of that long conversation we'd been having but I have a sixth sense about thingz and still felt awkward and depressed and I started crying on the phone with her and for quite a while afterwardz and my dad got mad at me for crying and like basically forced me to eat that day and then to go out driving with him to look at thiz house for my grandparentz-mammie and pop and like uhm shyeah I told him I dnd't want to go where I waz feeling sick and he wouldn't listen and made me go in the car so I got sick before we got bak from my birth control and had to run into Speedway and throw up in the bathroom and then I threw up in hiz upstairz bathroom when we got straight bak. He got so pissed off at me coz he thought that I waz totally faking it and it waz all in my head.Which thiz iz totally not in the bak of my head trust me on thiz one. let'z see I talked to my mammie and pop and wished them a merry christmas on chritmas morning. mrow and then like my dad kept bugging me all day and night trying to get me to do something with him and hiz wife I finally went over there and like talked with them for a while I love hiz psychoanalysis of me and how I started to get depressed at the way people basially had prejudicez against me mywhole life in skewl. It had nothing to do with it it waz just the way mylife haz alwayz beem if ya know what I mean it never changez and just feelz pointless eih I finally fell asleep after having cum come out of my vagina all day and like not even thinking about really anything just an effect from the birth control ya know? sighZ mrow and I fell asleep finally thinking of sex and love gawd I need help. . . .I kept waking up in the middle of the night hearing the poodlez who live next door to him they're adorable they look like my old poodle Ginger who got ran over by an alcoholic asshole my dad said that it waz probably a prowler or something outside and hiz dog kept barking and howling hez thiz big black newfoundland I taught him to howl ;p mrow and like hmm shyeah I woke up and then fell bak asleep I slept like around four hourz and then woke up hallucinating thinking there waz a demon in the room with me. It waz where I think it waz from not havin my medicine for three dayz then I used to see stuff like that all the time before I started taking it. . . .mrow and then like that waz Christmas for me fun fun eih? sick all day and depressed.

Christmas Eve 2002
Christmas Eve or should I call it the royal bitch fest? That'z what it turned into once I got home from having fun in Ashland. I didn't go to bed at all on the night before Christmas Eve because it waz the ending and final pill of my prozac for November to December. Plus Sunday if you haven't already read I stuck a patch on my tummy. mrow and when I get on those Heather yum yum medicinez like with the patchez it'z so to come az of I'm EXTREMELY moody, EXTREMELY violent and EXTREMELY horny all the time.mrow so I got up a little after seven am to answer my dad'z phone call in order of asking me if I waz going up to Ashland to see my grandparentz or not. I said yesh because I really wanted to get to go up and see them, even though I did get to go out to dinner with them on the sixteenth of thiz month. mrow I would have went over to my dadz the night before, but I got extremely physically sick from the birth control patch I don't know whether it'z where I got the oilz from the body wash and shampoo and shaving cream all over it or what shrugZ. mrow but shyeah I threw up like all Monday morning and afternoon and then finally fell asleep around two and slept it off after a couple of hourz. Of course my stomach waz like still mega sore that evening. mrow anyayz, like we got in the car and like we drove up to Ashland and visited my grandparentz and had a really good time. mrow I got some awesome Christmas presentz from them. I love my mammie and pop to death. mrow shyeah she gave me let'z see, a pair of new overallz my dad really picked these out lol but I have thiz pair that are a bit big that I got right before I went up to Melissaz last year in September and like they're from Walmart. I just like wearing them because they're comftorable, NOT because I'm a redneck. Nah I mainly wear those when I'm just going to somewhere I don't expect to see anyone special or around the house. shyeah anyayz, I also got thiz really pretty black sweater and like little black tank top thing that goez underneath of it, a pair of blue pajama pantz and thiz really cute blue and white striped tank pajama shirt. Then they got me the movie Kate and Leopold on dvd mrow that my sister Becky picked out for my dad to give them to give to me lol. mrow I love that movie tho, the guy who playz Leopold iz pretty fawking hottt droolz lol. mrow let'z see what else did they get me? uhm a word puzzle book those can b fun to do when you're mega bored and don't feel like reading real substance. hmm a pair of tommy sockz mrow not my style but heiy I know those thingz are expensive so I didn't complain and plus they can alwayz b grrreat for when I want to dress up to scare the hell out of people who expect me az Gothy and nothing of a prep. Because guess what? I'm not! mrow she gave me twenty five dollarz, a cute picture framed of me when I waz a little tiny girl mahn iz my hair dark in that photograph kinda crouched out beside of my pop-my grandfather whom I also love to death ;p mrow I can't remember if that'z all or not, but eih that right there'z QUITE a lot. hmm so then like before we opened all that stuff we ate and I figured I wouldn't b eating from the way I waz so incredibly sick lately but when I smelled my mammie'z food like cooking and stuff it basically made me extremely ravenous, she'z like the extremely best person that can cook mealz like she doez that I know of. It'z quite amazing she could go to that trouble to with her getting over an extremely bad heart cath with a blood clot of her entire leg that turned black. She couldn't get up nor walk for SEVERAL weekz. I waz soooooo afraid many timez I waz going to lose my mammie I love her to death. mrow to b honest I think I'm more like her than anyone where my mom alwayz sayz I'm like my father dih dih dih. mrow shyeah tho surprisingly I didn't get sick and I ate about everything she had. Like roasted hen, roasted ham, extremely awesome cornbread stuffing and dumplingz, green beanz, peaz, salad with fat free italian dressing of course ;p, a crescent roll, and hmm I think that'z really it I ate of course I didn't eat EXTREMELY huge portionz of any of it so that might have solved the problem I sometimez get too. mrow anyayz, then we just all basically opened the giftz we got and the giftz we'd brought our mammie and pop that weren't for pop'z birthday since hiz birthday iz December the twenty fifth, he opened those like basically a little bit after we got there. and then like basically everyone but me centered around watching Jamez Bond bleck. I forget what I waz doing then I think about to pass out because I waz extremely mega tired, and then like we watched thiz video my sister Amber taped of us all coz my dad got her a camcorder for Christmas. I sat there laughing at the whole thing bursting out laughing it waz funnay az hell! mrow reminded me of the Osbournez without the cussing coz they're too lame to swear but not I ;p Look at ANYTHING that Heath writez and damn will you see how true that b. mrow anyayz, then we like went in and sang happy birthday to my pop and like cut hiz cake I wouldn't touch it where my dad'z wife made it with prunez in it. I don't go near ANYTHING labeled prune. gagz. mrow I waz incredibly happy that mammie didn't have those disgusting olivez thiz year I like commemerated her on that one ;p mrow and then like we got everything together and after a while headed bak to go home. Becky, Amber and I were going bak to my momz house. Thiz iz where the bitch fest of 2002 beginz mrow one hell of a terrible, terrible night. First off I walked in the house after having to sit around Becky and Amber for forty five minutez behaving like total imbecilez like tickling and singing retarded stuff at each other forever and then like I walked in kinda mad to my house set my bag of presentz along with my purse and coat on the table and my mom started bitching at me to take it all downstairz. mrow ohhhhh yeah I forgot the eventz of Tuesday morning when I waz getting dressed! Another reason I waz a bit cranky. . .. Like I had my favorite siberian eyeshadow longsleeved tshirt on my bed and like I waz trying to act like cat womahn and like kinda waz doing my cat like movementz across the bed to pick my shirt up off my bed So like I make a lithe movement across it thinking I have enough room to kinda flip over on my side and pick it up with my claw like texture movement, eih what I didn't realize waz how far bak off the bed at the end I waz so when I went to go make that side flip like movement I flipped bakwardz performing basically a bakhand spring falling straight like rolling over and basically killing my neck and biting kinda harshly down on my tongue got up and like got dressed went upstairz and started getting bitched at by my mom that I didn't look nice enough for her to b going to see my mammie and pop and I should have dressed nicer so I tell her what I did hoping it'd shut her up which it did a lot but shez like fine at least let me do your hair and just HAD to put butterfly barrettez in my hair. mrow so then like anyayz I come in and am like fine you want it down there you take it, my neckz killing me. She then basically started acting like miss Giogio or Armani and iz like to good to b associated with me and my two blood related sisterz because the daughter she LOVEZ to stick up her ass and her husband and children are there. Jaylin my brotherz stupid little boiy waz also here. So I walk across the kitched first off looking for my drinkz because I left a specific list of shit for her to go get that day where I waz sick and feeling like shit before I left. So I look at her and say I guess thiz meanz you also forgot my medicine? And shez like Heather if you can't act any better go downstairz so then I bust out crying and saying stuff and she commandz me to go down to my freezing room in the basement mrow nao wonder I feel like I have a cold today. . .. So I stay down there for about an hour and I;m pissed off like fawking hell. So I turned on first my Poe cd of Haunted and start looking for my Heather made cdz and am unable to find them so I go upstairz demanding to know where they are she refusez to tell me because Sherry, Scott, Cameron, Drew and Jaylinz appearance being there waz a hell of a lot more important than my being there. So I got extremely angry and she knew damned well that I waz upset and I started howling and bawling so she screamz at me to go bak downstairz another time and by them I'm fawking fed up with her bull shit of treating me az if I'm nothing and nonexistent so I call my father bawling my eyez out begging him to come pick me up and to get me the HELL out of here so he comez and pickz me up and my mom yellz down the stepz hez there so I walk up and tell her I'm leaving and tell her shez happy and we get into a huge ass argument and I bitch her out telling her what a fawking bitch she iz so shez like dih dih dih about not swearing in front of her precious grandchildren! So I start heading twoardz the door and say fawking whore so she runz after me and first off hitz me and triez to slap me in the mouth I looked at her after not having my medication for two dayz and said hell nao not outloud but I just started swinging my fistz in any direction I could center them because I waz so fawking pissed and I waz just to the limit of nao longer caring and started hitting her bak and head and like then she tellz me never to come bak so I run out the door get in the car with my dad and start bawling my eyez out that I just want to die. He startz driving towardz hiz house after we talk it out a bit and triez to get me to calm down but I just can't because she'd upset me more than anyone in my life could ever do. I had been putting up with her bull shit for sometime of yelling at me for just trying to get attention by saying heiy what ya doing or something like that and like I just couldn't put up with being treated az an invisble little nothingless ghost and I wazn't going to let anyone get away with it any more. I let Josh treat me like that for seven fawking weekz and she had and still doez not have a fawking clue how much losing him haz depressed me how much I loved him how much I gave of myself to him how many timez I slept with him how I still in a way love him stupidly and not admittingly to anyone but that little voice inside of my head. I do my best a lot of the time to conceal my feelingz because I've been taught by so many people who have been enecountered by my gothical nature that they don't want to have anything to do with me and don't want to have to put up with me via why I waz abandoned so many fawking timez. She already acted like she hated me and treated me like a bit enough just think if I'd let my true feelingz escape I'd NEVER hear the end of it. It'z half the reason why I took sixteen coricidin I suppose in a way I wanted to kill myself then again knew it wouldn't and just wanted to sleep for dayz and see if it'd get noticed which of course did not because everyone I live with iz too damned wrapped up in their own selvez to even see what I do or when I do it. I just act like everything'z fine and they don't look at me they don't see the real me they're too busy to even try and say heiy iz thiz really Heather? I haven't seen thiz side of her after losing someone she really cared about or loved and being all alone in a hell of a long time nao they want to believe I'm fine when my greyish blue eyez are constantly screaming at them "LOVE ME TALK TO ME LISTEN TO ME KNOW ME WANT ME NEED ME UNDERSTAND ME CAN'T YOU SEE HOW FAWKING DEPRESSED I AM?" I know lotz of people I'm not related to can see the signz quite easily they just don't give a flying fawk about the way those eye of sullen distress stare at them. sighZ so the next day on Christmas when my sister called I had to talk to her I wanted to try and make thingz right and I told her what I felt told her what I see my future az I',m going blind going to lose my sight any day what kind of future iz that to look forward to? Shez alwayz telling me to go to Louisville to learn everything I can while I still can see but az soon az I go blind I TRULY want to die I don't want to live without not being able to see the sky, the sun, the moon, colorz, my love the person I want to have sex with every night while laying either on their silken four poster bed or upon the crustaceous beach sand overlooking the starz and moon. You know what I mean? Nah you could never possibly know what it feelz like to feel like you have nao hope left and you're just entering a sublime palace of despair sighZ ohhh wellz thiz iz my fun fun life. . . .mrow ohhh yeah forgot before I left my momz house that night I got so angry by not being able to find stuff I started knocking thingz over and kicked a stool over and gave myself a knot on my right bottom calf. fun fun stuff. I fell asleep like after a couple of hourz of getting to my dadz from pure exhaustion and near dehydration. . ..

Salvation

To all those people doin' lines, Don't do it, don't do it. Inject your soul with liberty, It's free, it's free.

To all the kids with heroin eyes, Don't do it, don't do it. Because it's not not what it seems, No no it's not not what it seems.

Salvation, salvation, salvation is free. Salvation, salvation, salvation is free.

Ah, ah, ah, ah

To all the parents with sleepless nights, Sleepless nights. Tie your kids home to their beds, Clean their heads.

To all the kids with heroin eyes, Don't do it, don't do it. Because it's not not what it seems, No no it's not not what it seems.

Salvation, salvation, salvation is free. Salvation, salvation, salvation is free.

Salvation, salvation, salvation is free. Salvation, salvation, salvation is free.

Ah, ah, ah, ah

-the Cranberriez

Dreamz

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way. And oh, my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems, Never quiet as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more, Because it came from you. And then I open up and see the person falling here is me, A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah... La...

I want more imposible to ignore, Imposible to ignore. And they'll come true, impossible not to do, Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me. You're what I couldn't find. A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind; You're everything to me.

Oh, my life, Is changing every day, In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams, It's never quiet as it seems, 'Cause you're a dream to me, Dream to me.

Ah, da, da da da, da, la...

-the Cranberriez

I Still Do

I'm not ready for this, Though I thought I would be. I can't see the future, Though I thought I could see.

I don't want to leave you, Even though I have to. I don't want to love you. Oh, I still do.

Need some time to find myself. I wanna live within.

Can I go my own way? Can I pray my own way? I don't want to leave you. Oh, I need you.

Am I ready for this? Did I think I would be? Can I see the future? No, I can't see.

I don't want to leave you, Even though I have to. I don't want to love you. Oh, I still do.

Ah, la la da da da. Ah, I still do.

Ah, la la da da da. Ah, I still do.

-the Cranberriez

Not Sorry

Keep on looking through the window again,

But I'm not sorry if I do insult you. I'm sad, not sorry, 'bout the way that things went, And you'll be happy and I'll be forsakin' thee.

I swore I'd never feel like this again, But you're so selfish, you don't see What you're doing to me, I keep on looking through the window again. No I'm not sorry if I do insult you. No-o-o, I'm not sorry if I do insult you.

You told me lies, and I sighed, and I sighed, and I sighed. 'Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.

I realize, as he sighed, and he sighed and he sighed. 'Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.

Keep on looking through the window again, But I'm not sorry if I do insult you. I'm sad, not sorry, 'bout the way that things went, And you'll be happy and I'll be forsakin' thee.

I swore I'd never feel like this again, But you're so selfish, You don't see what you're doing to me, I keep on looking through the window again. No I'm not sorry if I do detest you. No-o-o, I'm not sorry if I do detest you.

You told me lies, and I sighed, and I sighed, and I sighed. 'Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.

I realize, as he sighed, and he sighed and he sighed. 'Cause you lied, lied, and I cried, yes I cried, yes, I cry, I cry, I try again.

Keep on looking through the window again. Keep on looking through the window again...

-the Cranberriez

Liar

Say it if you want to and say it if you will But if you don't say what you are thinkin' No, I won't take too kindly to it.

And all I want is something special, And you can't give it to me, And all you do is lie to me, 'Cause you're a liar, liar, liar.

I will run, I will fight, I will take you through the night lie, lie, liar, I will run, I will fight, I will take you through the night lie, lie, liar...

Say it if you want to, And say it if you choose But if you don't say what you are thinkin' No I won't take too kindly to it

When all I want is something different And you could't give it to me And all you do is lie to me So you're a liar, liar, liar.

I will run, I will fight, I will take you through the night lie, lie, liar, I will run, I will fight, I will take you through the night lie, lie, liar...

I'll fight you, I'll fight you I'm fighing you Liar, liar, liar You know you're a liar, Liar...

-the Cranberriez

How

Look, you're standing alone (Standing alone.)

How ever I should have known, (I should have known.) Never before, never again, You will ignore, I will pretend. Never before, never again, You will ignore, I will pretend.

In your world, you're alone in your face. You're alone in your world, you're alone in your face. How you said you never would leave me alone, oh. How you said you never would leave me alone.

Now you're just walking away (Walking away), When you said you always would stay (Always would stay.) Never before, never again, You will ignore, I will pretend. Never before, never again, You will ignore, I will pretend.

In your world, you're alone in your face. You're alone in your world, you're alone in your face. How you said you never would leave me alone, oh. How you said you never would leave me alone.

Never before, never again, You will ignore, I will pretend.

In your world, you're alone in your face. You're alone in your world, you're alone in your face.

How you said you never would leave me alone, oh. How you said you never would leave me alone [X2]

-the Cranberriez

Too Attached?
mrow I kinda wonder if I'm getting just a bit too attached to Nick mrow I really, really like him and would really, really like to meet him and hang out with him I've been thinking about him a lot lately and like wondering what he soundz like what he'd act like actually being around me if he'd actually want me after meetingme mrow I'd like to have him not just sexually but eih just having him mrow and eih if thingz keep up like thiz I'm going to get like wayyy too close to him and knowing my luck like fall in love with him eih that iz think I've fallen in love with at some point. mrow I just think he'z an extremely cool and interesting person and eih he'z the first guy around Richmond I've ever met to actually have an interest in anime ;p mrow could probably get him to watch Vampire Princess Miyu with me really, really likez that anime. ugh I still have a headache mrow I still feel kinda just bleh sickish too. mrow I wish something fun would happen lately sighZ yesh I suck and am a loser I know thiz all too well. . .

Meet Me in the Back

Meet me in the back Don't make me wait too long I could change my mind And tell you that it's wrong So meet me in the back Where the light don't shine First show me yours Maybe I'll show you mine

My hands are shaking My heart is beating fast Is love worth making When it can never last

Meet me in the back Don't make me wait too long I could change my mind And tell you that it's wrong So meet me in the back Where the light don't shine First show me yours Maybe I'll show you mine

I'm gonna give directions I'm gonna take it slow But if I don't get protection I will just say no

Meet me in the back Don't make me wait too long I could change my mind And tell you that it's wrong So meet me in the back Where the light don't shine First show me yours Maybe I'll show you mine

I can hear the music Pounding through the walls And to the beat of dancing I will give you all

Meet me in the back Don't make me wait too long I could change my mind And tell you that it's wrong So meet me in the back Where the light don't shine First show me yours Maybe I'll show you mine

-Melissa Etheridge

I'm the Only One

Please baby can't you see My mind's a burnin' hell I got razors a rippin' and tearin' and strippin' My heart apart as well Tonight you told me That you ache for something new And some other woman is lookin' like something That might be good for you

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone Go on believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong But I'm the only one Who'll walk across the fire for you I'm the only one Who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one

Please baby can't you see I'm trying to explain I've been here before and I'm locking the door And I'm not going back again Her eyes and arms and skin won't make it go away You'll wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow That holds you down today

Go on and hold her till the screaming is gone Go on believe her when she tells you nothing's wrong But I'm the only one Who'll walk across the fire for you I'm the only one Who'll drown in my desire for you It's only fear that makes you run The demons that you're hiding from When all your promises are gone I'm the only one

-Melissa Etheridge

I Want You

I can see your darkened eyes Across the room turn into lies and laughter And asking for my name again Then introduced as just a friend Well it was no fantasy the passion burned You touched me the evening turned to midnight I can't forget the naked trust One quenchless night of shaking lust and fire

I want you I want you I want you I want you

Since that night I'm not the same Desire breeds an ugly stain inside me Satisfaction never comes It's always dark and yet I still run Even when I close my eyes You torture me with shameless sighs seduction Walking in a chilling sweat Pounding heart inside my chest I'm screaming

I want you I want you I want you I want you

With your heart in your fist You laugh at my situation Tell me is it blood you want Then take me strip me cut me see I'm bleeding

I want you I want you I want you I want you

-Melissa Etheridge

I want to come over

I know you're home You left your light on You know I'm here The night is thin I know you're alone I watched the car leave Your lover is gone Let me in

Open your back door I just need to touch you once more

I want to come over To hell with the consequence You told me you loved me That's all I believe I want to come over It's a need I can't explain To see you again I want to come over

I know your friend You told her about me She filled you with fear Some kind of sin How can you turn Denying the fire Lover I burn Let me in

Open your back door I just need to touch you once more

I want to come over To hell with the consequence You told me you loved me That's all I believe I want to come over It's a need I can't explain To see you again I want to come over

I know you're confused I know that you're shaken You think we'll be lost Once we begin I know you're weak I know that you want me Lover don't speak Let me in

I want to come over To hell with the consequence You told me you loved me That's all I believe I want to come over It's a need I can't explain To see you again I want to come over

-Melissa Etheridge

Come to my Window

Come to my window Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon Come to my window I'll be home soon

I would dial the numbers Just to listen to your breath I would stand inside my hell And hold the hand of death You don't know how far I'd go To ease this precious ache You don't know how much I'd give Or how much I can take

Just to reach you Just to reach you Just to reach you

Come to my window Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon Come to my window I'll be home soon

Keeping my eyes open I cannot afford to sleep Giving away promises I know that I can't keep Nothing fills the blackness That has seeped into my chest I need you in my blood I am forsaking all the rest Just to reach you Just to reach you Oh to reach you

Come to my window Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon Come to my window I'll be home soon

I don't care what they think I don't care what they say What do they know about this love anyway

Come to my window Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon Come to my window I'll be home soon

-Melissa Etheridge