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speak nonsense : Don't cry because I am with you
"In an unknown world, i'd like to say something to some people that have made me who i am...i am thankful. Eva - our separation was for the best, believe it or not. thank you. you had my heart then, and you'll always have a part of me with you forever. i will always treasure the memories i have of you, your talent and your beauty, how you made life meaningful for me, i will never forget you. Nix - for the gift of friendship, you were always ready to offer. Thank you, and i hope your dreams will all be reality. something i need to say... i couldn't decide whether i should email all of you individually or just post it in my blog which i am grateful that all of you frequent whenever you get the chance. i was lying in bed last night and decided that i should just post it, first of all because it's easier (yes i am still your lazy friend) and second i want to let the whol world know how much each and everyone of you mean to me; not to mention let each of you know how each and everyone of you affected and augmented my life. first of all i would like to say thank you. for the inspiration, the laughter and tears. thank you for the honesty, love and support that have gotten me this far. but i guess there are journeys meant to be undertaken alone. oftentimes it's the journey of one's heart that bears so much pain and separation. i want to leave with noise. because i feel that i've lived my life in silence for too long. i want to venture into unsure depths to find out who i am inside, and discover finally what makes me hate myself so much. i'm coming to terms with my demons, my family and most of all myself. as much as i'd hate to do this alone; i have no choice...because i want to see for myself that there's something in me that's worth loving. something inside me that's worth caring for. i want to be able to look at the mirror and not wince at what i see. i want to be able to return your affection with pride, and to tell myself that i deserve love. brash decisions were never my forte, i've been thinking about this for months - me, tying the loose ends of my life. finding out who ia m and what i can be. that i can be someone even if i am not cast under my mother's shadow. that i can live without the comforts of home. i've pondered long enough to device a plan to enable me to feel fulfillment both emotionally and professionally. i will try my best, because that's really all i can do. i will say goodbye, because someday i want to say hello once more with a soul behind my voice. writing this is probably one of the hardest things i've done. this day has been the hardest day of my life. all the shortcomings i ever did, everything i never had the chance to do and the most painful things that had to be done were executed in a span of 24 grueling hours. i had to say goodbye to my best friend, and face the fact that i can no longer look after her. that i won't be there as much as i'd want to to keep reminding her that she's a person over-flowing with talent and bearing that gift of appreciation. to tell her that she's not just someone, rather she IS someone. saying good bye to her was painful...but i'll always be "nana-chan", always. if that wasn't hard enough - i had to part with Brechnev tonight as well, feel my arms go numb because i refused to let go of him. i still can't but i had to because when i move out of this house, i cannot support him and i don't want him to suffer on my behalf. at that moment when i had him in my arms i realized that i haven't held Brechnev this close in ages, that i was feeling this surge of longing and love because it was the last time i was going to hold him. i'll miss him. half of me died watching him go. and lastly - before this night ended i made sure to settle the score between me and my mom, to make her see that i've decided to pull away and make my own moves. i was void of feeling the wholetime, but upon seeing the cool look in her eys and the calm pronunciation of her approval....i felt the walls between us go higher, there's no turning back. I'm scared, god knows I am. armed with music, inspiration, and DxK (yes they keep me strong) i'll go and try to find my voice, myself, my niche. i believe this is my one chance to be brave, and i'm taking it for the life of me. don't forget me...i'm agatha, i'm trying to find myself, i am agatha... Thank you everyone, for everything. Goodbye. love, Agatha "Close your eyes and we will go on forever A vivid you will never leave me..." you saw through me on...Thursday, March 28, 2002 |
Results and affirmation:
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