version 37: A tribute to Siam Shade for eleven years of memories and music. Kazuma, rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist. Lyrics from Calling You, by Takui.

 
[ my weekend ]
[ nichiyoubi 02.10.02 | gto, poison (music box) ]

This weekend I went back home. I think the reason was that I needed to figure things out.

I said a few entries ago that I'm happy. And I still am. This isn't really a figuring out of me being happy or unhappy or dissatisfied with how I am. This was a kind of re-evaluation of my life, looking at what I'm doing and how I got here, and where I'm going.

I guess I'm most people in that there are a ton of things I'd like to do, but when it comes down to it, only a few things that I love doing. Up until now, I haven't really been thinking about it very hard, but as I was watching GTO this weekend, I really started to wonder. I know it sounds kind of crazy and maybe a little corny that a TV series would make me think about stuff like this, but there were some things in the series that really convicted me. I guess I haven't been serious enough.

There was a phrase of Takashi Sorimachi's character, Onizuka, that struck me. He said, "don't listen to what other people say you have to do. Do what you love." One of the things that I've always believed is that you shouldn't be doing anything that you don't love. And whatever you're doing, you should give it 100%. But somehow these past few years, starting even in high school, I guess I lost that. I haven't been giving 100%. I haven't been trying hard. I've just been sitting here waiting for things to come to me, and in everything I've been just trying to get by.

I've been thinking about my future really hard these past couple of months. I haven't really said anything to anybody because I didn't feel like it was anything of consequence worth sharing. And probably the fact that I'm blogging about this instead of telling it out loud says that I'm still not ready. But it all goes back to what I really love. I don't want to be a "salaryman." That's why I joined the military. I wanted to make a difference.

I still love the military, but I've realized this past year that it's not really where I belong. I've known it but I've been fighting it, because I fought so hard to get in to the military. It took so much out of me to try that I guess I lost sight of my true goals and was focusing only on getting into the Air Force because everyone said I couldn't.

There were two things I wanted to be since I was a child. One was a soldier. The other was a writer. Just a short while ago, I didn't believe I could do either. I was having doubts about the Air Force: if I belonged, if I was really having fun, if that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was doubting my potential as a writer. I didn't think I was good enough to compete in the professional market. I couldn't finish anything longer than a short story, much less a novel. But looking back, I've fulfilled both of my dreams. I've realized that being a soldier doesn't mean I have to serve for all of my life. Even if I'm only in for four years, I'll gain and have gained immesurable experiences and awesome memories that WILL be with me for the rest of my life. And being a writer doesn't mean I have to be published in a big market. Just by writing fanfiction, just by writing what I feel, I am a writer.

But what I didn't realize is that more than writing and the military, there's one thing that I've always loved more. That there's one thing that has kept me going, that I loved as a child and have never stopped loving. Ever. That thing is music. You know how there's always that one thing or person that you don't realize that is your one true desire even though it's right in front of your nose, and then when you figure it out, you wonder how you could have been so blind? I fought so hard against it when I was young, and even a few years ago, but I guess I've always known somewhere inside that I was meant to be a musician.

I don't know where this revelation is leading me, and I don't think it really matters. Maybe it won't lead me anywhere, but I doubt that. Because if you love something, you have to give it your all, and music is something that I love, just as I love writing and I love the military, only more. Music is more than my drug: it's my world - it's my heaven and earth and everything in between. I want my music to change the world. I believe that it can. And I believe that it will.

But before I can do that, there's unfinished business I have to take care of. I made a promise to the Air Force, and I intend to keep it. I'm going to go give the military all I've got, because I love it and I believe in it. And I'm going to continue writing, because writing is also a part of me that intertwines itself with the music and that can never let go. I know I sound naive and idealistic but I don't really give a damn. It's hope and faith and love that keeps this world alive, as cheesy as that sounds. Everyone has a dream, and this is mine.

This is a long post but there are some people I know who I want to read it. They've stood by me through everything, have patiently watched over me, have held my hand and pulled me through. I want those people to be as happy as I am. I want them to find their dreams too. Some of them have. Some of them still aren't sure. Whatever it is that you're dreaming of, even if you don't have a clue what it is, you'll find it someday.

This also goes out to a special person for everything she's done for me. I can't even begin to express how much she means to me, but you know who you are. I love you. I love you so much. Please don't ever ever ever forget that, ever. You'll find what you're looking for too. Our paths may be different now but our destinations are the same.

I'm sorry if I've bored everyone to death with my long winded and sappy post, and I've said all I've had to say. I hope I got my feelings across somehow.

Ima, 1922 hours, wa tada...

 
[ *______* ]
[ nichiyoubi 02.03.02 | dope headz, evening rose ]

http://www.espguitars.com/html/f-100.html

ESP LTD F series 100 model in black. $349.99 at Mars Music.

MINE.

*dies*

Ima, 0355 hours, wa tada...

 
[ if I was a band... ]
[ suiyobui 01.30.02 | janne da arc, gaia ]

If I were a band, I'd be

"British... everybody likes those Brits. You compare with U2 and other famous bands. Your music is very original and different from anything heard on the radio normally. Songs are laid back and relaxed, and you frequently make some pretty weird, er um, original music videos."

...who are they? ^^;;;

Someone should make a jrock band test. XD

I love this song...I want this album. Janne da Arc was one of the first jrock bands I ever listened to, but I've only recently started listening to them in depth. Yasu is an amazing vocalist...he hits his notes very effortlessly, has an awesome awesome falsetto, and has just enough edge to an otherwise smooth voice to add that extra push to all of JDA's songs. Yes, I think I definitely need this album...

Was originally going to blog on here about a certain cadet, but I'm less pissed now than I was earlier. *sigh* It really disappoints me how some people think they're fit to command and all they do is blame other people for things. There was no need for that kind of behavior, and besides being unprofessional, rude, and vidictive, it violated at least two of the basic rules of proper military customs and courtesies. Does the chain of command mean nothing?????????

On that happy note, I'm going to bed...PT tomorrow, and I actually plan on going. Feeling better today. ^^

Ima, 2321 hours, wa tada...

 
[ =( ]
[ suiyoubi 01.30.02 | luna sea, love song ]

I miss Luna Sea...

Ima, 1144 hours, wa tada...

 
[ lain ]
[ kayoubi 01.20.02 | macross plus, after, in the dark ]

I saw Lain, finally.

WOW.

That's some trippy series...and I love it. I've been getting into the more cyberpunk side of fiction lately and Lain is the perfect series for that sort of thing. It's like William Gibson's Neuromancer with an extra twist. As you can see from the little sidebar list thingy, Lain has wormed its way above Utena to become my second favorite series (since nothing will ever beat Macross, of course)

Macross Plus is actually a semi-cyberpunk anime too, if you think about it. The concept of the virtual "Idoru" and the concept of computers versus the human brain, machine life versus human life. The ending two episodes especially bring that out very well. That's mostly the reason I think that it as a series doesn't fit with the "Macross" title very well. It's still a good series though, nonetheless, but I think it could have done very well on its own without trying to incorporate Macross elements.

I've been very tired lately...it's probably the weird weather. One day it'll be 80 and the next day, 40. I've been dizzy and sore all day. I hope I don't get sick.

Hmm...nothing much going on. School is boring except for Japanese. I started going to the conversation club we have after school from 4-5, where native Japanese speakers come to school to sit and talk with us in Japanese. It's great fun and I was surprised at how much I could speak and understand. ^_^

Umm...that's about it on my boring life. I've also been angsting about Laruku...but we'll get into that later if my nightmares come true. -_-

Ima, 2330 hours, wa tada...

 
[ favorites list! ]
[ kinyoubi 01.24.02 | luna sea, gravity ]

Neesan did it so I have to!

ARTISTS Gackt Glay Hide Himuro Kyosuke L'Arc~en~Ciel Lareine Luna Sea Siam Shade Transtic Nerve X Japan	SONGS EMU ~for my dear~ However Pink Spider Eien Butterfly's Sleep Suna no Shiro de Nemuru Koibito Into the Sun Triptych Overhead Run Dahlia
ALBUMS Boowy: Psychopath Gackt: Mars Glay: One Love Himuro Kyosuke: Mellow L'Arc~en~Ciel: Ark Lareine: fierte no Umi to Tomo ni Kiyu Malice Mizer: Merveilles Siam Shade: Siam Shade V Transtic Nerve: Recall X Japan: Dahlia	VIDEOS The Brilliant Green: Angel Song B'z: Ultra Soul Glay: However Hide: Pink Spider L'Arc~en~Ciel: Dive to Blue L'Arc~en~Ciel: Driver's High Luna Sea: Love Song Luna Sea: Tonight X Japan: Dahlia X Japan: Endless Rain
VOCAL Gackt Hyde [L'Arc~en~Ciel] Taka [Transtic Nerve] Takui Hakuei [Penicillin]	GUITAR Daita [Siam Shade] Hisashi [Glay] Tak Matsumoto [B'z] Tomoyasu Hotei [Boowy] Hide
BASS Tetsu [L'Arc~en~Ciel] Jiro [Glay] J [Luna Sea] Taiji [X Japan] Ka-yu [Janne da Arc]	DRUMS Shinya [Luna Sea] Yukihiro [L'Arc~en~Ciel] I.N.A. [Spread Beaver] Yoshiki [X Japan] Kami [Malice Mizer]
BAND MEMBER Daita [Siam Shade] Hisashi [Glay] Hyde [L'Arc~en~Ciel] Shinya [Luna Sea] Yoshiki [X Japan]

Ima, 2210 hours, wa tada...

 
[ love song together ]
[ kinyoubi 01.24.02 | luna sea, love song ]

New layout. I've been mulling over Siam Shade and Luna Sea in my mind for about the past week or so...those two bands will, for me, forever be connected, and thinking about Siam Shade disbanding got me on another Luna Sea kick. Not that I ever get OFF my Luna Sea kicks...*is a true Slave*

I've noticed that there are a number of people visiting Shiroi Heya who hail from Japan. In fact, the second highest percentage of our visitors (other than Americans) are Japanese. That's very cool. A bunch of them seem to come through various Japanese Siam Shade message boards to read my review on Love, to which I must now make a disclaimer: YES I KNOW THAT KAZUMA IS NOT THE LEAD GUITARIST! It's too late to fix it on the entry now.

^^;; Just letting the world know that I'm not as stupid as I sound XD

I've been so incredibly tired lately it's not even funny...I don't know what it is. I seem to have lost the incentive to write. I have the entire Trowa scene for SnK planned out in my head, with bits of prose and dialogue floating around. I just for some reason can't bring myself to sit down at the keyboard and type it out. Ah well...that day will come, I suppose.

Need to go take a shower and hit the sack. Wing standup tomorrow and then SHUUMATSU! *dies* About time!

Ima, 2201 hours, wa tada...