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Disclaimer: This is all Laurelgand and Moonsong's fault. If not for them I'd never be writing this stuff on this page. Blame them and especially Laurelgand for the corpse tea.
Version 14 :: featuring Mikage Souji and Chida Mamiya from Shoujo Kakumei Utena, the Black Rose Arc. Lyrics from L'Arc~en~Ciel, Natsu no Yuutsu (Melancholy Summer).
And so I lost sleep
And so I lost you
Ah, what can I believe in now?
I am abandoned in this melancholy summer
[ REMINISCING... :: KINYOUBI 4.20.01 :: GOZEN 4:02 ]
Listening to: Gackt, Story
So it's 4 in the morning on a Friday and I'm getting ready to go to bed. What better time to talk about some deep dark secrets that would otherwise never see the light of day?
I think I've finally come out of the months long bout of depression I've been battling. It hasn't been easy, and indeed the past few months have taken its toll on me, on my grades, and on my relationships with everyone around me. I pushed away some people who were very close to me and I know that it hurt them greatly. I'm not sure what was worse; knowing that they were hurting, or feeling the emptiness inside myself as I secluded myself in my own little universe.
A few months ago I went through a very confusing and frustrating relationship. I hesitate to call it a relationship, because I really wasn't sure what I had with this person. I'm still not sure. It was...unhappy. There were so many things left unsaid, and to this day I regret every single thing I did during that time period. There are so many if oniy's, but if only's never changed anything.
During this time I was also GMCA for my ROTC detachment, which meant I had to bear the daily complaints from both up and down the chain of command. To make matters worse, the yearly corps event known as Op Shock happened towards the end of October and I was suddenly thrust into the position of wing commander. I was stressed out, I was incoherent, and the only thing I wanted was for everything to somehow work out, for everything to tie itself up in a neat little package with a bow on top and to be handed to me with a smile and a bow, saying, yes, you've done your duty, and here is your reward.
Life doesn't work out that way.
If I hadn't been in this relationship during that time, maybe things would have turned out differently. I don't know. Even thinking about it now I feel betrayed, and the thing is that I have no right to feel that way, because it was I who was betraying myself. I was clearly the strong one, and this other person was weak, and it would have never worked out. Yet I kept deluding myself. I still do. I don't know why.
I don't think I've ever been hurt as much as I was in those few months. Everything that I ever knew, that I believed in, fell to pieces in the span of about a few weeks, and for the first time I had no idea what to do. So I retreated. I pushed everyone away, believing that they didn't care even though they did, and it got to the point that I knew that they didn't care anymore, yet I couldn't stop.
I trusted this person too much, and I trusted my own feelings too much, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. If you asked me two months ago if I believed in love, I would say no. If you asked me now, I would say the same thing, but I would be lying. Because I am still in love with this person. I don't know why and it's probably one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I dream...sometimes. The dreams have been coming with increased frequency lately. It's frightening.
The reason I wanted to quit ROTC was because of this. The reason that I severed all my friendships was because of this. Yes, I know what you're thinking. It was stupid. I know it was stupid. It doesn't change the fact that it happened, right?
I think I'm finally moving on in some ways, yet in other ways I'm still stuck at the place where I was seven months ago, not willing to let go of a memory that turned out to be false after all.
I guess my word to anyone reading this is: don't make the same mistakes I did. Please.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is my deep thought for the month...or something. SnK is posted. I'm going to bed.
te o nobaseba todoiteta hohoemi wa setsunakute
me o tojireba yume no naka e kieteiku kimi o
mou ichido dakitakute
ano toki, ano basho de deatta koto o
wasurenai kara
if I stretch out my hand, the smile I reach is pained
if I close my eyes, I want to hold
your vanishing body once more in my dreams
at that time, that place where we met
I'll never forget you
[ QFR :: MOKUYOUBI 4.19.01 :: GOZEN 7:51 ]
Listening to: Macross 7, My Friends
Well, I'm going to camp!!!!!
This morning we took our QFR, which stands for Qualifying Fitness Review. Cadets must pass this in order to go to field training this summer. It's basically a PFT (physical fitness test) and a weigh-in. I scored 351 on the PFT, which is 100 points higher than I scored last time I took it (in January). It's all because of my situps I think. I maxed the situps this time, and there's no reason I shouldn't have in January except that I got fat and lazy over Christmas break (didn't we all, though?)
^_____^ Needless to say I'm having a very good day! Lackland II here I come! XD
And it's STILL Mikage day! Lyra, have fun on your trip! I'm jealous XD
Kimi to hashiridasu
Yume no tsuzuku hoshi e to
Mitsume aeba hora
Nanimo ka mo kanau kara
You and I both take off
Out into the dreaming stars
When my eyes meet yours, I can see
That nothing can stand in our way
~Ger
[ BLAH :: KAYOUBI 4.17.01 :: GOZEN 5:37 ]
Listening to: Glay, Rain (acoustic version)
It is WAAAAAY too early in the morning to be up, is all I'm going to say. >< I also found out yesterday that I'm flight commander this week, which is just fine and dandy. Yay. ><
Well, on the bright side, I got a Gundam model! ^^;; I finished it yesterday...it's Wing Zero. ^___^ It's sitting all nice and pretty on my desk. I want Deathscythe next, and then Epyon. Epyon is cool looking. I can have a little fleet of Gundams. ^_^ I wanted to get some Macross models, but they didn't have any ;_;
Err...my ride from PT is here, so I will cut this short. Time to go...
~Ger
[ XD :: NICHIYOUBI 4.15.01 :: GOGO 9:00 ]
Listening to: X Japan, Endless Rain
Aniki, DOOG KCUL IN ALASKA!!!!!!
And the quote is MY JEEP! MY JEEP BROKE DOWN ON A STAAAR! but err...i ees you already remembered that. ^^;; You know, now you have me thinking of that thing that was funny during rehearsal but which we could never remember afterwards. *hidst*
Easter was fun. We played Worthy is the Lamb in both services and that song keep giving me the chills, even today with only half the choir and orchestra here. There's definitely something very powerful about it that just can't be put into words...
I'm going to leave Mikage on for another week. I have no ideas for another layout anyway, and besides, I don't have the time even if I did. So...it's still Mikage Day. XD
QS, I finished a Noin side, if you ever get back ON so I can send it to you ^^;;
And neesan, that picture of Mana in a bunny suit was...interesting. XD
Going to go translate my Latin paragraph about Laocoon and the snakes now. Bleh.
~Ger
[ HAPPY EASTER! :: NICHIYOUBI 4.16.01 :: GOZEN 2:16 ]
"Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering thousands upon thousands and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled the throne and the living creatures and the elders. In a loud voice they sang:
"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!
Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, singing:
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, forever and ever!"
The four living creatures said, "Amen," and the elders fell down and worshiped."
--Revelation 5:11-14
[ WEEKENNNNNNDD :: KINYOUBI 4.13.01 :: GOGO 12:45 ]
Listening to: Siam Shade, Glacial Love
WAH! I haven't been blogging much this week, have I? I just looked down at the number of entries I've done and it's nowhere NEAR a normal week's worth.
I have been rather busy. ROTC is taking some time, like I said, and also I had to show my friend around campus on Wednesday. Her parents took me out for steak that night, so it was all worth it *__* I'm addicted to steak. I love it. I love meat. I'm such a bloody carnivore ^^;;
Umm...I GOT VIDEO MAKING SOFTWARE!!!! YEAH!!!! Now if I could only find some Gundam Wing footage to make that music vid I wanted to...or Macross 7. I wish I had video capture equipment, but until I do get a decent VCR and a capture card I'm going to have to rely on stuff downloaded from the internet, and I doubt ANYONE has Macross 7 footage on the net. *sigh* oh well.
Mearl, about the little jrock/Japan thing on your blog...well, as I told you, it's ok not to like Jrock. It's not like not liking Jrock is a crime or anything, right? I think actually sometimes in our obsession with anime and anything Japanese, we tend to forget that what we're dealing with is only a small part of Japanese part subculture. There are plenty of people in Japan who don't like anime or jrock. In fact, I bet that if you went to Japan, you'd find that only a small part of the population is actually as fanatic about it as we are. Just because they're Japanese, it doesn't mean they have to like pocky. Or sushi. Or Jrock. Or know a lot about Japanese history and legend.
Think about it. We're all American. Americans all like hamburgers, right? They all like pizza. They all like rock music. They are all rich.
XD See my point? There's the end of that rant...(not ranting at you, Mearl, just fangirl obsessiveness in general ^^;;)
Umm...nothing else has been going on. It's Good Friday today and we don't have school! What always confuses me is the people who aren't Christian (last year it was some Jewish group, I think) protesting that we shouldn't get school off becuase of a religious holiday. What, like they WANT to go to school? I don't care what kind of holiday it is...I like sleeping in on a weekday. XD
Err. QS, good idea about CL. Now if we can only get our butts into gear...XD I'm going to write Heero in a sec and should have him finished by this afternoon.
And the quote of the day is: "GIVE ME PEP RALLY! OR ELSE I WILL BE HUNGREE!"
~Ger
[ APRES-MIDI :: SUIYOUBI 4.11.01 :: GOGO 12:19 ]
Listening to: Malice Mizer, Apres-midi
Just got done showing a friend around campus. This is one of my friends who I haven't seen in five years or so...she's two years younger than me, but our parents are good friends and since she had gotten accepted into UT they decided that they would come visit and have me give them a "tour." She also wants to do ROTC which is fine by me ^___^. She's not sure if she wants to do Army or Air Force, and of course I'm hoping she'll pick Air Force. Her dad was in the army, though, so that's probably the route she'll go.
Gomen, didn't blog yesterday. I've been busy with ROTC...dining-in is next Friday and things are picking up. I'll probably be away a lot this week, working on the corps video which is due this Friday. And we haven't started editing. Great planning on the PA officer's part there. *sigh* We did use the digital camera though, so editing is going to take about 1/10 the time it did last semester. A GOOD thing.
Here is the picture of Wing and Atsuki that I drew the other day. I got it scanned and forgot to put it up on here. ^^;;; It's rather...interesting. I'm not sure if I like it or not. heh.
Well, off to Latin now...Oh, QS, Wufei is written. Remind me to send to you later.
~Ger
[ YEAH!!!!!!!! :: GETSUYOUBI 4.9.01 :: GOGO 3:34 ]
Listening to: Malice Mizer, Illuminati
I GOT LACKLAND II!!!!!!!!!!
^_____________________________^
Seriously, this is the best piece of news I've heard all semester. Getting Lackland II makes the rest of my summer fall perfectly into place. I can do SLS in June, go to field training in July, and get back in time for my trip to Japan in August. *jumps up and down and screams*
I wouldn't have minded Lackland I, but I don't think I would do as well if I had gotten that date. I need a break from everything to just truly be lazy and not care about anything...and THEN I'll be ready to go to camp. ^_____^
This just totally made my day...and I think I did well on my Latin test, even though I didn't really study for it. This has just been a good day in general. I think I will go out to dinner tonight with myself to celebrate XD And skip my flight meeting. I need to write my paper(s) ><
Oh well! Man I feel like a little kid...this is great. I'm so excited. I can't wait for camp...school should be over right NOW so I can get my month's rest and then go to camp in June. XD The only thing that could be kind of bad in getting Lackland II is that I won't have exercised for a while...I keep telling myself I'll jog and do situps and pushups everyday, but everyone knows how THAT works. ^^;;
Hmm...*runs around in circles* I am going to go do my homework now. JAAAAA
~Ger
[ FANART :: NICHIYOUBI 4.8.01 :: GOZEN 3:39 ]
Listening to: Malice Mizer, Le Ciel
Desktop: Mikage, Shoujo Kakumei Utena
Eating: Vanilla/Strawbery ice cream
Well, that was certainly one of the...livelier...chats we've had in a long while. XD It was fun, minna. I think the plotbunnies did get a little out of hand in there though...or maybe it was the penquins. XD XD
You may ask WHY I'm still up at such an ungodly hour when i have to get up at 7:30. ^^;; The fanart got the better of me and I went to draw some SnK stuff. Turned out a...rather interesting sketch of Wing and Atsuki, naked (but nothing graphic), with wings. At first I was going to have them just floating (like Tamahome/Miaka at the end of FY), then floating in water (like Touga/Utena in the Utena movie) and then I drew wings at the last minute. Don't ask why. Anyway, I hope to scan it ASAP (I don't have a scanner at school so I'll have to go to the copy shop ><) and post it. I don't think it's that good, but it's not bad, either. The arms and upper body could use some work, as usual.
QS, be very glad you're still alive. ^_~ And WE ARE POSTING ON TIME THIS WEEK!!!
I haven't studied for my Latin test, but I figure, I already have a B in there and making an A on the test is not going to make much difference. So I have given up. It's so much nicer giving up. You have time to do other things...like draw fanart. ^^;;;
Off to bed. Oyasumi! =D <--smiles gib
~Ger
[ ERR :: DOYOUBI 4.7.01 :: GOGO 6:12 ]
QS, if you read this, please email me Quatre's section ASAP!
[ ...... :: KINYOUBI 4.6.01 :: GOGO 9:42 ]
And today's words of wisdom come again from Mearl Dox:
"Mikage's neat. You kinda wanna pinch his cheeks and go 'Who's the cutest lil pink haired computer like man? YOU are! YOU are! That's right!' "
[ MIKAGE!!! :: KINYOUBI 4.6.01 :: GOGO 5:19 ]
Listening to: B'z, One
*evil laughter* You knew it was coming, right? Yes, finally I have a Mikage layout up. It's not the most innovative Mikage layout in the world, but it's rather creepy, in a subtle sort of way. I think so, anyway. The lyrics of the L'arc song fit him rather well, too.
Nothing much happened today. It's freezing cold in my dorm room. >< You'd think we lived in Alaska, and it's about 80 degrees outside. I think they're taking the wonders of air conditioning a little too far.
Mearl, I'm glad you...err...found my last blog entry inspiring. XD
QS, if you get on and I'm away, email Quat to me.
~Ger
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