SUNNY SUNNY FLORIDA :: SUNDAY 1.7.01 :: 10:11 PM

Listening to: the dryer ^^;; I made it in one piece! We arrived in Miami late yesterday afternoon and have just been traipsing around to various places so I haven't had time to get online. Shannon's uncle's place is NICE. Though they do have 3 dogs and a cat, which is kind of bad since I am allergic to fur. >< We went to the Everglades today...it was pretty interesting. Saw some alligators and stuff. That's all we've done so far. I think we're going horseback riding tomorrow... The trip's been ok so far...nothing stunning, but I didn't expect much. It's weird seeing all my RL friends again. I'm not terribly excited about the prospect of spending another week with them, but I suppose I needed to get out of my house and not sit in front of the computer all day. At least that's what people all tell me. I for one don't have a problem with that...*sigh* There's also some weird soap opera thing going on with Josh and Shannon and Kelley which I think I'd rather not know about...Josh and I are sharing a room so we stayed up late last night talking about stuff...he claims he understands where I'm coming from, but I'm not sure he does. About not facing reality and all that crap...whatever. I told him I wasn't really sure I wanted to be here on this trip and he said something along the lines of "well, we can send you home if you want." Like THAT would help things >< On a happier note, I got a dorm room change! I applied for a single room last semester but didn't get one, but apparently they had people leave between semesters and I got one of the rooms that were left empty. So I get to move when we get back on the 16th or whatever. Fun stuff. I have too much stuff..it's amazing how much you can fit into one tiny dorm room if you really try. Hee ^_~ Laurel, if you haven't checked your mail before reading this...check it. I sent you something about the stuff that came by ship. ^^;; Laurel, congrats on your new domain! I'm REALLY wanting to get a domain other than aoiryuu...anyone have any ideas? Also, are .nu domains pretty reliable? If I get one, I'm probably going to get an .nu one, since I already have a .com...this domain will be where I put all the crap on my fanfiction collective page. I like redrival, but I want my own name! I suppose I'm getting more interested in web design than I have in the past. There are so many great layouts that people have online that I want to learn how to do, and I figure my own domain is a nice place to start the "real thing." I suppose I should be "socializing" or whatever and not locking myself away in here...hugs to all my family...I miss you guys! And I miss my Japanese music...and my IM chats...and my websites (Saionji...QS, I read your entry in my guestbook! Ha ^^) and I miss basically being able to do what I want to do and constantly having to go places. I hate going places. I suppose I'm just antisocial. Bleh. The TV's going in there...so I better be going also. Don't expect me on for another few days but I promise you'll get an update of what I've been up to. Ja! ~Ger

BLURRY EYES :: THURSDAY 1.4.01 :: 11:58 AM

Listening to: ...what else? L'Arc~en~Ciel, Blurry Eyes Blurry Eyes is one of those songs that I can't help but sing along to when I hear it. It's a cheerful sounding-song that makes me cheerful, and I need that right now. Well, Josh is replacing something on the Suburban so he and Shannon and Kelley will now be here at 2 instead of 11...it's just like Josh to decide to do something like this at the last minute. Ah, well. I discovered epinions.com last night after searching for articles on J-rock. Seeing as they didn't have much of anything on the Japanese music scene, I wound up writing a couple of editorials for them and leaving them for the odd curious visitor to find. I've already gotten some comments on them, which is nice. Here's the link to my general J-rock review: J-Rock for Beginners. It should serve its purpose...I consider myself somewhat of a Jrock freak but there are so many other Jrock bands out there that I haven't heard yet...I did a review on Glay too, but since I've already reviewed Glay in my umm...Japanese music review list, it's kind of pointless to post the link to that here, ne? ^^ Gomen to Laurel for leaving like that last night, but I was planning to take my computer apart...it didn't quite happen, as you can see, but I'm going to do it after I finish this blog entry. Neesan, I'll be thinking of you! To everyone who I didn't talk to (QS, Lyra, etc) have a GREAT 2 weeks or so and hopefully I'll be able to blog about what's happening in Florida if I ever get net access ^_^. And for now, JA NE! ~Ger

TRAVEL PLANS :: WEDNESDAY 1.3.01 :: 10:51 PM

Listning to: Glay, Miki Piano Do you ever have those days where you feel like sitting and contemplating life, but don't know why you should bother? I'm having one of those days... It's not so much depressing as just a sense of not getting anything done. I've been packing all day, basically, since the day I get home I have to leave for school again, and looking at all the boxes and bags around my room just makes me feel tired. It feels like all I've been doing has been packing...moving...packing again. I hate packing. It sucks. I guess I'm happy about going to Florida, but at the same time I don't really want to go. I was really looking forward to Christmas break as being a kind of "me" time where I could just do whatever I wanted, which is why I've been online less and less...I'm one of the most introverted people you'll ever meet, but at the same time I enjoy conversation. Yet I haven't spoken with Josh or Kelley or Kevin since Christmas Eve, or Amber since before I left for break. I promised Brad I'd talk to him before New Years and haven't talked to him since Christmas. QS I haven't seen online for two days simply because I haven't been on. It's kind of melancholy here. mafuyu no yuu'tsu... I dunno...maybe it's the weather, maybe it's just me. I feel rather mellow in a sad sort of way. I don't like going places, in general...it makes me sad. Like something is ending, or I've lost something. maru de yosete wa kaesu nami no you ni...taisetsu na kisetsu yagate subete sari My existence, I think, has forever been defined in terms of what other people expect from me. Just once, I want to be able to go somewhere where no one expects anything of me, where I don't have to be the straight-A student, outgoing, number one cadet that everyone thinks I am...because I'm not. I've been for nineteen years, and a few months ago I came to the conclusion that I'm not at all. Everything seems rather hazy...I don't know why I keep living up to people's expecations of me just to make them happy and me miserable. That should be obvious, right? I tried cutting back, but that doesn't work either, because when I'm not acting "like myself," people get worried. If I'm not being a perfectionist, if I'm not getting twenty things done at once and doing them all well, if I'm not constantly trying to break records or show someone how it's done, if I'm not being an overachiever and making my own rules and staying ahead of the game...if I just don't care, people worry. Doesn't that sound kind of dumb, if you think about it? If I wanted to sound incredibly conceited and make everyone reading this feel really stupid, I could list all the awards I've won in the past year, how many times I've received recommendations and compliments from my flight commander all the way up the chain of command to the wing commander, commandant of cadets and the colonel, or maybe tell what a great job everyone thought I did being wing commander. How I'm a good artist and have an incredible musical talent. I could tell you about the straight A's I'm getting in college or how many languages I can speak or how many writing awards I've won, or maybe the National Merit AND AFROTC scholarship...my incredible talent of being good at everything I do, and not just being good, but being the best. It sucks, doesn't it? When people see me they don't see me anymore, and I don't even know what I see when I see myself in the mirror. Maybe nothing...it doesn't really matter anyway. None of that stuff I listed matters, because what I realized is that I'm tired of living up to it. Even when I don't think I'm trying, when I think I don't care, I still manage to overachieve, and I don't know why. I'd tell all those people who are jealous of whatever talent I have to go ahead and take it, but that wouldn't be realistic. Because on the other hand, I'm probably one of the most arrogant people you'll ever know. Unfortunately, no one else seems to have grasped this, and I don't know why. It isn't like it's not apparent...sure, I try not to make any disparging remarks, but it's hard not to notice me offering consolation because no, your work isn't as good as mine, and we both know it will never be. And that sounds conceited, but that's how I've felt my whole life about everyone. I might not be the most charismatic person in the world, but I do have some charisma and I do choose to use it sometimes. And it works. I get bored. I get bored with people who aren't as gifted as I am. They cease to interest me after a while and I try to move on, but what is there to move on to? I vowed to myself a while ago that I would marry the person who was better than me at everything I'm good at, the person who could teach me to improve everything, every single thing, someone who is stronger than me, smarter than me, more talented than I am. I haven't found that person yet. And even if I did, once I did learn how to become better, I'd get bored because then I'd then be the more talented one. I would need to look for someone else. Now that anyone who is reading this has quit feeling sorry for me and wishing that I'd just go take my attitude and shove it up my ass, I think I'll just end with saying that I wish everyone would just go away and leave me alone. Then I wouldn't have to feel arrogant about anything, because what is there to be arrogant about if no one's there? And then I wouldn't have to feel obliged, because there would be no one to be obliged to. This is my blog, you know, and I'm free to type exactly what I think here without fear of anyone criticizing me. No one is obligated to read this. I don't know what I want...but I know it doesn't involve anyone. It never has, but for once I want to make that a reality instead of a concept. I'm always saying I'm doing things for my own benefit, but really it's so that others can see it and tell me what a good job I've done. I wrote down in my New Years entry some resolutions and a little line in a Glay song about new freedom...that's where I want to start, at least. The freedom to not have to live up to anybody, to break loose and to do what I want, for a change. It's so pathetic. It's late...Shannon and Josh are coming tomorrow at 11 and I need to get some sleep tonight. I'll talk to you guys in two weeks, at the latest. And no, I'm not depressed...just pensive. That's all. Really. hey darling, take me to your sweetheart...darling, goodluck hey darling, take me to your sweetheart...darling...goodbye ~Ger

...STILL MORE SAIONJI :: WEDNESDAY 1.3.01 :: 4:27 AM

Listening to: Shoujo Kakumei Utena, Virtual Star Hasseigaku Whew! Gomen to everyone who's been missing me online for the past few days. I leave on Thursday for Florida and won't be back until the 16th, so I decided to finish up unfinished websites, fanfics, and the like. Between that and going shopping for everything I need for the trip and school, I haven't had time to talk. Anyway, my Saionji Shrine is finished! Go take a look, if you're interested (I KNOW you are, QS! ^_~). And yes, the splash page is the same as for my Landover fanfiction site. Why? Cause I'm lazy. ^_^ I hope you'll at least enjoy the page even if you don't like Saionji, which I know many of you don't. And it is 4:30 in the morning and I should be going to bed...hopefully I'll be on tomorrow some. Laurel, feel better! ~Ger

SUPERMAN :: MONDAY 1.1.01 :: 3:10 AM

Listening to: Three Doors Down, Kryptonite [English music o.O;;;], Glay, various songs HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! Listening to Kryptonite by Three Doors Down. This song will forever be one of my favorite English songs since I spent seven hours with it in a video editing lab, staring bleary eyed at fuzzy screens of Air Force ROTC footage for the corps Fall 2000 music video. I'm very proud of the finished product, nonetheless. ^_^ (Random Utena thought at 3 in the morning: I think Kryptonite describes the Touga/Saionji relationship really well, if you think of the singer as Touga and the person he is speaking to as Saionji. It doesn't matter what happens now and then As long as you'll be my friend at the end... You stumbled in and bumped your head If not for me then you'd be dead... If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman If I'm alive and well will you be there holding my hand I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might Kryptonite Freaky, ne? I have a sudden urge to do a video for this song, but I don't have the equipment now >< Maybe when I actually get enough money to buy editing equipment of my own. Editing is FUN. At least, I want to do a webpage layout or songfic or something. *sigh* early morning/late night inspiration is always the worst.) It's so WEIRD to think that this is a new year already...the last time I checked, it was June 2000 and I was dreading another semester of classes...time sure flies, doesn't it? Another year is upon us, and while I don't really believe in making New Year's Resolutions, I do have some things I hope to accomplish this year: - Prioritize. Find out what's important to me and step into life with a clearer vision. - Stop procrastinating. I'm the world's biggest procrastinator, and it's only been hurting my grades and my performance. - Enjoy life. I get depressed very easily, and I've decided that it's pointless. I need to stop taking everything so seriously, step back, take a look at the big picture, and be thankful for what I do have. - Become a more dedicated cadet. I've been slacking off in ROTC because of several reasons, and I think that while it might be painful to plunge back into the new semester with a dedication I don't feel I can maintain, I also believe that if you really love something, you'll do it with all your heart. I love ROTC, and I can't let my personal feelings towards anything that happened get in the way. - Become a stronger person in general and be proud of what I do. This stems from all the above reasons. - Listen to more Jrock ^_~ - Improve my writing! ^_^ It's time for me to go to bed, so I'll leave you all on a happier and inspirational note with which to greet the new year: ------------------ Motto! Motto! Thrill ni okasareta karada wo hikizutte Tobikomu no sa New York surikireru made Joushiki to unmei wo keri-age isshun ni kakete miru Mesawari na beam! Ano taiyou ubaitsukuse! More! More! With this body full of thrill I'll dive into New York until I'm worn away I'll bet all on one moment, forgetting the annoying beam Of common sense and fate! I'll capture everything under the sun! Soshite ore wa atarashii jiyuu ni te wo kaketa... So I'll raise my hands towards new freedom... ------------------ New freedom...remember that. Happy 2001! ~Ger