Caramello passed away

...in a terrible manner but I wont give details just say that the weather here dropped to abnormal cold and it accelerated his Feline Aids. When kitties have that damnable, incurable disease pretty much anything can kill them. He was the cutest cat, not even a full year old. Caramello's coat reminded me of orange ice cream and he always greeted me at the door or when ever I went outside. He had the quietest mew which made a person just melt all over him. Caramello was exceptionally loving to me. He would always be happy to see me no matter the time of day or the weather. What really kills me is that I was waiting for James' tax return to come so that I could get him fixed to bring him inside the house so that he would be a house kitty all this year. But I received the check the same day he passed away. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Part of me wants to curl up into a little ball and just plummet into the black hole that threatens to swallow me whole...but James won't let me. He consoled, comforted, and overall just acted like a perfect gentleman this entire day. I am lucky to have him at my side. You would think that after all the deaths of my cats that it would get easier with each time they pass away but it doesn't. The pain is still as raw as it was the first time. My sorrow is no less sad nor is the emptiness not as painful. All of it just somehow stays fresh with me. I don't think there will ever be a day when the sadness and emptiness goes away but I do know that it's not okay to let it all overwhelm me as it had many times before. James tells me it's okay to cry and honestly that is something I despise doing...but then...it is okay. I can't explain it. Crying helps a little. Caramello was a darling kitty and he will always continue to be in my heart. Even though it pains me that I will never be able to hold him nor pet nor love or play...or see my little orange ball again...I know that he is in a better place. He's in kitty heaven where the trees grow healthy fish, the fields brim with catnip and butterflies, and the rivers flow with rich milk. A place where there is no violence, no fears, no illnesses...no pain. If he was meant to leave then I'm glad that he is with his brothers and sisters and ultimately the Legacy father and mother he will now get a chance to meet. Just knowing that much, knowing that he won't be alone or ill -- for me -- I can rest a little bit more.

Caramello, mi lindo gordito...one day we will meet again so don't you forget about me. I sure as heck won't...

I'm being harassed again...

Febuary 28^st 2006

I don't know what it is about me but I think these onlike freaks must see some kind of flag on my head that says, "Stalk and harass free-4-all!" Which is really strange because outside of this site, my Sims, Jem sites, and Wasted Times; there isn't a person I like to speak too. In fact, I don't speak to anyone outside of these circles. Of course there is my Senshi and Dragons RPG but the people there I've known as members for several years now. The way these people latch onto me and decide that if I am not their fantasy lover or friend then suddenly I am their enemy. Two people, that actually might be the same person I don't quite know yet--have been actively seeking me out. Today, well -- yesterday -- they came onto my Sims forum with threats. Open, wide-open threats with no regard whatsoever. From the memberlist I can tell that they have been lurking on my Sims forum for quite some time. I don't know where else they may be but most likely are even reading this journal of mine. Online stalkers are frightening to me. They have no respect and absolutely do not listen to anything except for the mad fantasies they have created in their heads. Situations like these are what keep me from enjoying the Net. At times like these I rememeber the two other stalkers that tried to make my life miserable online by actively harassing and threatening me to the point of tears. I don't want to go through that again but they are putting me through the same rollar coaster ride of scary ups and downs.

All I want is to be left alone but they won't listen to my pleads. I'm really glad that my Haloscan comments aren't working. Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of message they would be leaving here. Maybe its my fault though...I mean I do put my website address up in public view. I just thought that by doing so people that visit would understand that their life is so much better and through that knowledge--actually live a good life. But that's neither here or there. I'll admit it. I'm scared again and don't know what to do, if anything...

Posted by Lizzette at 02:54 AM

Caramello passed away

Febuary 21^st 2006

...in a terrible manner but I wont give details just say that the weather here dropped to abnormal cold and it accelerated his Feline Aids. When kitties have that damnable, incurable disease pretty much anything can kill them. He was the cutest cat, not even a full year old. Caramello's coat reminded me of orange ice cream and he always greeted me at the door or when ever I went outside. He had the quietest mew which made a person just melt all over him. Caramello was exceptionally loving to me. He would always be happy to see me no matter the time of day or the weather. What really kills me is that I was waiting for James' tax return to come so that I could get him fixed to bring him inside the house so that he would be a house kitty all this year. But I received the check the same day he passed away. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Part of me wants to curl up into a little ball and just plummet into the black hole that threatens to swallow me whole...but James won't let me. He consoled, comforted, and overall just acted like a perfect gentleman this entire day. I am lucky to have him at my side. You would think that after all the deaths of my cats that it would get easier with each time they pass away but it doesn't. The pain is still as raw as it was the first time. My sorrow is no less sad nor is the emptiness not as painful. All of it just somehow stays fresh with me. I don't think there will ever be a day when the sadness and emptiness goes away but I do know that it's not okay to let it all overwhelm me as it had many times before. James tells me it's okay to cry and honestly that is something I despise doing...but then...it is okay. I can't explain it. Crying helps a little. Caramello was a darling kitty and he will always continue to be in my heart. Even though it pains me that I will never be able to hold him nor pet nor love or play...or see my little orange ball again...I know that he is in a better place. He's in kitty heaven where the trees grow healthy fish, the fields brim with catnip and butterflies, and the rivers flow with rich milk. A place where there is no violence, no fears, no illnesses...no pain. If he was meant to leave then I'm glad that he is with his brothers and sisters and ultimately the Legacy father and mother he will now get a chance to meet. Just knowing that much, knowing that he won't be alone or ill -- for me -- I can rest a little bit more.

Caramello, mi lindo gordito...one day we will meet again so don't you forget about me. I sure as heck won't...

Posted by Lizzette at 02:19 AM

The Day after

Febuary 15^th 2006

...Valentine's Day. Apparently the rituals for V-Day were a tad...unique. One of them in particular was the festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture. Members of a Roman order of priests would then sacrifice a goat for fertility, sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the blood and went about slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips. How very romantic.

Which brings me to my intial point. My V-Day was just another day as usual. No cards, no flowery words of poetry, not even a smile. Instead it was full of arguments, tension, and frustration. Oh sure, I sent out e-cards with the best of intentions to friends and even snapped a few shots from my Sims 2 game for my LJ with words of hope and fluttery feelings. But I was also looking forward to spending the day with James. Except that he had to work extra hours and when he tried to call home to tell us that he wasn't getting out late -- Omar was on the phone. In fact, for several hours Omar was on the phone. You see, my 19 year old brother has met an online chit whom he has fallen in love with completely. The poor idiot. He doesn't realize that the person he is chatting with via webcam, email, and messenger is probably a slut straight from the streets. Hell, she could be a deranged killer for all that we know about her. But anyways, he's taken to calling and her calling him at all hours of the day for several hours. So when I went to pick up James from work he was waiting outside with a scowl. He told me that he didn't get out until late night but couldn't tell me to not make a wasted trip because Omar was on the phone for the 3 hours he was calling home.

Then James preceeded to tell me that he would rip the phone out of Omar's room and other such wonderful things(because he was angry) and I had to sit there and take his anger because as usual I'm the convienant punching bag for everything that happens in the house. On one hand he is right to be angry. Omar is using the phone and hording it way too excessively and on the other hand...well I am tired of it all. The fighting, the bickering, the insults -- it's just too much to handle. Either I'm getting much older or really am just exhausted both mentally and physically. I really wish that everyone would go to the person they have a problem with and just dish it out with them instead of making me the 'middle' woman. Anyways, pretty much my lovey-dovey mood was squashed and the day wasn't even over yet. When I told my mother about Omar, James, and the phone I got to endure her arguments, anger, and frustration. Pretty much the situation is like this, Omar hates James. James hates Omar. Mother hates James for hating Omar, James is angry at Mother for not being firmer with Omar, and me? Well what does it matter about me.

The only thing I want is to stop living in the same hell hole. I want to be able to breathe and live my own life. Yadda blah yadda...same ol'same old thing. So no, I didn't have a good V-day but if you did, then be grateful. I absolutely hate it when people take all things forgranted.

Posted by Lizzette at 04:17 AM

One step back, one step forward

Febuary 12^th 2006

The sum of my life in a curt title. Imagine that!

James and I are thinking about going back to college. We signed up and everything. Unfortunately for me I have to go through a major hassle of signing out a stack of different forms because I was placed on some kind of ban. Oh well that's what I get for being saddled with ilnesses. Anyways, he wants us to take the same classes. I wonder why? The thought of us being in class together somehow frightens me. Our majors would be altogether different as well. He wants to be a teacher and I want to continue studying 3D modeling/graphic design. Either way, we're settling in on starting the semester for the summer. I wonder if my illnesses will stay at bay otherwise I may have to simply drop out again.

Speaking of modeling --- at the moment I am modeling the set that you see in the picture below:

I have everything done except for the accessories that are on the counter and table. Pretty neat stuff but then again it's in modern style. Which means it's also very simple. Ahh well at least I'm doing something right? Riiiiight...

Posted by Lizzette at 11:50 AM

Back Entry: A Living Doll

January 29^th 2006

This was originally written in Notepad on the above date but decided it might be too 'dark' for some to upload. At this point however I really don't care how it comes across.

Today alike many of my days I find myself wondering why I even exist. My life is wasted. I am so far beyond hope that I wonder what it would be like to disappear. Not 'take my life away' disappear but rather just walk right out my front door and never turn back. Keep walking and walking until I can no longer walk. Where would I be and how far could I get? I doubt very far. My body alike my state is very weak. So even thinking about disappearing is just a ridiculous farce. Why even bother with the whole thing... my thoughts aren't composed at the moment. Neither am I. All I can do is whine and complain but never do anything about it. What happened to the person that I use to be? Or rather do I even want to go back to what I use to be? Nothing much has changed except that I am no longer beaten by my father and no longer a virgen. How quaint. How stupid. I am still as alone as I ever was. People that claim to be my friends are simply acquaintances that need someone to latch onto to make them feel better about themselves. My blogs are nothing but jokes or a reminder of how pathetic another person's life is compared to their own. So this gives strength and assurance that hey, maybe my life is bad but at least I don't suck as bad as she does. For once I wish I was on that side because I hate always being the buttend of someones joke. I hate being the caged animal that people will pay money to point at and gawk at while tossing scraps of food at their feet. I wasn't borne just to be a laughing stock was I? I wasn't given life just to be this sad? How many times am I going to have to go through this revolving circle of self-imposed misery and sadness? For how much longer will I have to endure what I have become? And the people that love me....do they even love me? Or is it more like I also am a convienant thing for them to mock? To use and abuse as they wish? Ignore me when I am useless and then come back with pity when they see that I am hurting... And I am hurting there is no doubt about it. I am hurting so much inside but there is nothing that can be done about it.

If I even bleet a word about any of this outside of this blog then I am seen by others as a drama queen. But in my heart I know that I am not. I am not asking for attention and I hate being given pity. Understanding is all that I would like. Being told that at least you have two limbs and two legs and two eyes that work is a blessing. Yes I suppose it is but is it that bad to want more then just the basics? How wrong am I to want something more than what I have? Then if I want more then why most I continually only yearn for it and not do something about it? Those answers those kinds of questions I don't know how to explain away or even defend against. I just know that I did not choose this life. I did not want to live this way at all but here I am living it and not making the best of it because God only knows that there's no way a person can make the best of the kind of situation I am in..at least not a person as incapable as I am. I can pretend that I am more than what I am but when it comes right down to it... I am no one. And I made myself that way. I let myself drag down into this state and for what? What did I do to deserve this and what is the end treasure of it all? Maybe there isn't anything. I had thought that by telling my Guero the truth that it would set me free. But it hasn't it has only made me realize just how low I have stooped. Where is my happy ending? My happily ever after? Why must I continue on and on with this charade of a life? Because its selfish and the cowards way to immediately end it? Therefore I must resign myself to living like a living doll watching the world through empty eyes, displaying no emotion and allowing just anyone to control my every movement because I cannot on my own? Surely then if that is the case that I am living in man-made hell. This is my punishment for not being exceptional. This is my swift justice for being a basic cookie cutout.

This is me then at last. I am Purgatory.

Posted by Lizzette at 4:18 AM |

Contemplations

January 18^th 2006

I've been online for quite a while. The earliest blog entry I have on file is from June 13th, 2002. Honestly though I think I have a few entries that were on Geocities that were lost prior to that so I'm not exactly sure when I came online. I do know however that it has been quite a trip. I've met quite a lot of people from all walks of life. Personalities that I would never have had the chance to meet in real life. It's no secret I spend 98.9% of my life within my bedroom. During these years online I have made both friends and enemies. I've met duplicitious beings and encountered beautiful people. Surfing the Net month by month I uncovered folds and layers that some would never find and some that are rather blatantly out in the open. Shocking, perverted, funny, endearing, heart-wrenching, provocative, angsty--the list of sites can go on and on. And yet I feel that I have barely scratched the surface. However I have also realized that the Net is as unlimitless as the imagination. A place with no bounds or borders. One may never find the end no matter how long they journey the virtual roads.

During my own journey I have created several sites, clubs, forums, and message lists. Joined hundreds more and even have a huge list of blogs, journals, and the like. I have to admit though that I could never keep them all up. My online IDs are just as vast and varied but lately I have begun to stick to a favored set of five. No matter what nickname I choose however I remain the same. I also have gathered quite a number of e-mail accounts as well. The good the fat lot of them do me however for the one consistant factor of my net activity is that I tend to forget to check them. ^_^;

Now the flame of passion with the net has begun to dwindle. For some it takes as little as a month and for others it takes a month or longer. Four years later I now find myself often looking out my window and wondering how much longer the world will continue to pass me by without so much of a glance back. I think to myself, that I should take life by its reins and begin to actually live it. But that is all that I can do; my strength of will alike my body is weak. Therefore even despite my desire to seek something different and regardless of the dimming light of the net -- I must still hang on to it. Each day I grow older and each hour I become even sadder. Very little brings a smile to my lips and very rarely do I find myself wanting to continue the mundane pattern of existance I have built with my own two hands. But I keep on and keep busy regardless of the fact that I can never finish what I have started. The net is and has always been my lifeline. Even if I find it boring or tedious there is no denying that it also keeps me quite literally sane.

I wonder though just how much longer I can endure this seemingly never-ending pattern. I contemplate now as I type this entry in the dark hours when the world peacefully sleeps--just what would happen should I simply stop; and log-off. . .

Posted by Lizzette at 3:41 AM

It has begun!

December 28^th 2005

My apologies for the very last part of the last entry. My only excuse is that I was insane at the time. At any rate I've put everything into perspective and what I said I was going to do was completely out of line. . .feasible and possible. . but out of line. My apologies. I just tend to lose my head every once in a while.

Moving on -- I finally fixed the deal with my sister. Eliana is no longer going to be able to continue filling out little postal cards telling the post office that my family lives where her new home is located. The past six months she has been receiving 95% of our mail. I thank my lucky stars that the mail that counted was not filtered to her address. What happens now is that if she does another false address change then the postal office will prosecute her for mail fraud considering it is a felony. I asked for them to not notify my mother or I about it. We just are very tired of her antics. My older brother Raul has finally gotten his own apartment with the fat cow. It seems that he is attempting to settle down but is somewhat failing miserably. The other day a girl named Connie knocked on our door around eleven thirty--I promptly told her that he does not live here, it's rude to come knocking so late, and slammed the door shut. Now all that is left to take care of is my father. He has apparently for the last twelve years been using my mother's social security number for his undocumented girlfriend(Slut). She's been feasting off my mother's good credit and using it to claim taxes. My father has been draining our home's escrow which in turn raised up our monthly payment triple the amount it was suppose to be. We are in the process of gathering a great deal of information together (payment stubs, copies of tax information letters) in order for the IRS to nail his slimeball self to the ground. He and his undocumented slut is going to pay and big-time. According to the attorney had my father and his naka of a slut not drained the escrow from the house then our home would have been paid for in full three years ago. The nerve. The absolute audacity truly grates on my nerves. How much we have all struggled to pay for the house payments? How long have we gone without just to make sure that we had a roof over our heads only to find out that it was all for nothing because we could have been out of debt years before?! I can't even explain how this makes me feel much less how James and my mother feel at the moment. I just can't wait until the day he gets back everything that he has done to us and twofold. I want to witness the day the authorities ship away his conniving slut back to Cuba. I want to see with my own eyes the moment handcuffs are slapped onto his wrists. Because that'll be the day my family will be free from him and that'll be the day I can finally tell him straight to his face that he has no power over us. Not that day, not the day after, never again. And maybe I'll finally be able to sleep peacefully at night because my true life nightmare will have blessedly disappeared.

Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM

You Got NetDrama

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The strange thing is that I didn't cause the netdrama this time. o_O

First it started with the Limneos forum. It's a warez forum that I have been a member for over two years. Twice I had been asked to be an Admin but was quite happy being a moderator. My title was sweet, 'Forum Queen' I love that title to pieces. However things went sour when the owner of the Limneos site, Elias apparently wanted to use the forum for profit. In the warez world this is a huge no-no. You see, alike a code of honor among thieves there is a similiar code amongst warez peeps which is, "Do not make a profit". I found this noble and began learning nearly everything there was about warez and sharing warez. My own status of constantly never being able to afford luxuries such as cable tv, a kitchen stove, girlie products, manga/anime, or computer software has prompted me to learn how to acquire them and then share these finds back. Essentially this is the cycle of a warez sharer; find and share. However, Elias wanted to make a profit out of everything for his own gain. It would be one thing to ask for donations for a charity but to merely promote his buisness? This is not in good spirit. Therefore two very awesome guys set up a second forum called, Wasted Times. All of the crew that was at Limneos headed for the new forum and began filling it up with new content while at the same time bringing in new members.There was suppose to be an agreement met between the Admin but I guess it didn't happen. The Limneos forum was shut down. Unfortunately the unexpected happened and Wasted Times server and domain contract was close to expiring. Despite the noble efforts of a wonderful person (*not me, lol*) it almost seemed that we were going to lose the forum! Thankfully, he(*the wonderful person*) was able to purchase a domain with server space but it all came out of his own pocket. I am hoping that he will ask for donations to help foot the bill because it's not fair that he puts this much into the forum by himself. But all in all this had a happy ending if not a bit screwed in some areas.

Second drama occured in a Jem and the Holograms Y! Group I subscribe too. Over four years I have been banned from that thing because I have a slight uhm ---thing--- with the main writer of the show; Christy Marx. How can I explain it? Well there's this little fan clique that worships (*Yes, you heard me right*) the writer. They will fawn, swoon, coo, drool, and have called her a 'god' on that message list. I respect their flitty little delusions but hell if I will allow myself to be bullied simply because I do not follow their 'religion'. Once upon a long time ago I created a website called, JeMp3s. This site was the first of its kind amongst the Jem websites because all they had were information sites. I introduced three new concepts into the community. (A)Trendy layouts (B)Jem Multimedia and (C)Photo-manips of Jem characters. This seems to be a revolving theme at the moment but this clique felt threatened by me. I don't know why because I always shared, I always communicated, and I always taught what I knew to everyone that asked and even put up tutorials on how to do what I created. But I was flamed, banned, ridiculed, etc etc but the clencher came when I was accused of stealing the name, 'JeMp3s'. One of the fan clique(*cult*) members made a new site with the same name a few months after mine. At the time I conceded(sp) because I didn't want the hassle so I converted my site's name to what it is now; BubbleGumGlam. So that brings me to the netdrama at the list. There was a girl that happened to speak out against Christy Marx by calling her out and telling her how disgustingly arrogant she appeared. The writer has a thing about bitching on anyone that doesn't share her views and hating any mention of fanfiction. The girl that spoke out was then pounced upon faster than rabid piranha on a live wounded body. I wanted to defend the girl but the list admin have me on 'perma-moderation', lol. Whatever I type to the list is always monitored by the list admin so it wouldn't have mattered. Most likely it would have been deleted like the other times. Instead I just e-mail the girl and let her know that she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, I think the girl was banned so this netdrama had a bad ending.

Third drama regards two people I once had thought were my friends. Remember Josh and Angyl(*her name is Kristine - how scary is that, Imouto-chan?* O_O) well it's for certain now that they do not want to do anything with anyone that isn't in their crappy roleplaying game. I'm serious that the game is crappy because it's not well thought out and I'm sure Robo remembers how sad, strict, and stagnant the gameplay was alike. But anyways I was unsubscribed from their Y! Group then e-mailed a personal message that they were cleaning out the list and blah blah blaaaaah. I'm blocked from their friends list on messenger too. All of this cold treatment to the person they fondly called, 'my sister' or 'reincarnation of my daughter'. Gagh. X_X Anyhoo now I finally understand why their dolling forum, Towne Square went down. It wasn't because of the scandals and the betrayels of other people but rather that Josh and Angyl drove everyone away with their whines, lying tongues, and backstabbing nature. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize who they were in reality because I invested way too much of my time and emotional energy with them. This netdrama has a happy ending. I'm finally rid of the wicked witch and her croonie.

Fourth drama involves the Sims 2. On the official game site people that own the Sims 2 game are allowed to upload custom creations in the four basic forms of buildings, clothing, movies, and stories. I have done three out of the four and James has a knack at building lots so he uploaded tons to the site. Well, about April 8th he created the ultimate expression of architectural beauty. I kid you not this cathedral named, "St. Ariella'(lol) was number one out of 37, 869 other creations. Basically he was #1 of the entire site. I was extremely proud of him so I took a print screen shot of his truimph for token sake. Little did I know how much it would come in handy later. What took a week for him to achieve in ranking was taken away in a mere hour. The St. Ariella Cathedral was a 4.67 rating and was dropped to a 2.0 This is what is known as 'rate hating'. It takes a considerable amount of people to do this type of thing. We figured out who had done it -- SterlingDT. Now I'm going to show you the print screen shot. The first on top is James(*he uploaded under my account until I registered a second for him*) the second is a croonie of SterlingDT, and the third is SterlingDT herself. I would show the image itself but its rather huge being a print screen shot that hasn't been cropped or optimized.

Click to see picture

Guess who was number one before James? She was and that insighted the first bout of jealous rage against us. Disgusted, we took our material elsewhere to a pay site called, The Sims Resource. This is where the adult players mill about while the official site is a beacon to tweens. There James has climbed the ranks and has become the top architect. Now I use my official site account to post my Sim stories. I have achieved a 5 star rating on them all and by no easy means either. Things were comfortable until James joined a forum that was led by SterlingDt. At this forum of hers she has a cult-like following as well whom we like to refer to as 'sheep'. Inside he discovered a nasty truth. The forum basically gets together and rate hates any building or custom content creation that achieves a higher rating then their creations. James called them out on it and entirely in a civil manner but was banned. Then his account was frozen. An account can only be frozen and hidden from view by a Sim master(aka a moderator) which means that his little webpage was reported. What this means is that several people report a 'MySim Page'(mini webpage) for inappropriate content, bad language, or stolen content. James has neither of that but until the poeple that are above the Sim masters determine this--his page is hidden and frozen completely. I discover a short while later that on SterlingDT's blog on her MySim page that she is the one that did it. Apparently she gathered her forum sheep to all mass report James' page for all the wrong reasons which are all false. They also hit his creations to nothing...and then they turned on me.

My stories were hit considerably and then MySim page was also reported and frozen. All of this because they felt threatened. The third chapter of Saijin Moon had hit the top ten list and this enraged the sheep of SterlingDT because they had their stories in the top ten. Me moving up = them moving down. So James and I are done with the Exchange for now. Our accounts are useless until the site moderators remove our ban which I can assure you will not happen for a very long time. The EA site is a complex site wrought with stupidity, moronic behavior, and an affliction to asslick for popularity reasons. James and I want no part of it so I am moving our tutorials to our Sims 2 website and to Live Journal. It'll be hard though because my only archive of the stories is up at the Sims 2 site. Luckily I am not a woman without means. As childish as it sounds and feels for me; I have begun plans for vengeance. I know, I know. I'm only reducing myself to their level but as I once told a former stalker that was bothering two special friends of mine-- hurt me and I will shrug indifferently, hurt someone I love or care about -- and I will strike down upon you with utter vengeance. My self-esteem, my self-worth is nothing. I feel nor care nothing about myself but I do so love James and I despise _anyone_ and I will _hate_ anyone that dares to hurt him in any shape or form. Fortunately for her, I will not take down her forum because she did not come to disturb our forum. However because she has taken action to get our MySim pages frozen then I will take down both her MySimPage and her forum's MySimpage in retribution. I will also send her a personal e-mail and depending on her response...well I am honestly hoping that she will be mature and simply apologize. I ask for nothing more. So this netdrama still hasn't an ending but maybe it'll be a good one. We'll just have to wait and see.

On a lighter note: Christmas is nearly here! Gimme Net presents!! ^_____^

Posted by Lizzette at 02:34 PM |

...

Friday, December 03, 2005

I grubbed about the floor like a caterpillar in dirt.

Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM |

My Thanksgiving SUCKED...

Friday, November 29, 2005

. . . but at least we were fortunate enough to have one. I know there are a great deal of people that suffer through life with scarce anything to eat nor a roof over their heads. In a way I wish our food could have gone to them because my family certainly doesn't deserve a Thanksgiving. I know that I above all others do not deserve anything either. The day started out with a realization that the turkey we had defrosted over the night was very frostbitten. When I put it into the brine for a six hour soak and final defrost another odd thing I noticed was that the opening where a person takes out the little 'giblets, lungs, heart, and liver' bad was not even there. It was completely closed so I had to uhm...rip all that out by forcing a hole where the neck and parts bag should have been. That aside, we also have no stove. I mean we have one but it doesn't work. But we do have a little roaster oven so we used that for everything but that also means we can only cook one thing at a time, lol. The day goes by okay but as James and I start to prepare the side dishes we start to argue over little things that propels us into a sour mood. See, I haven't been sleeping much of anything so I've been really _really_ irritable (*Okay bitchy is more apt of a word*). Couldn't have been easy for James to get along with me so I don't blame him for getting miffed at my bad mood. Next we discover the ham we had bought was not totally defrosted. The thing was supposedly roasting in its own marinade but instead it turns out it was just bubbling the water that had defrosted. The thing is that it looked defrosted but when we popped the thermomater inside -- it was completely frozen! ARGH! So day turns to evening and we are about ready to put final touches on the desserts when suddenly the doorbell rings. Now we weren't expecting company -- just the four of us at dinner as usual. But who comes into the door? RAUL! The man's presence just brings down our mood entirely. James absolutely HATES Raul and quite frankly so do I. I have to literally stop James from picking a deliberate fight with Raul which turns his anger onto me. We argue bitterly and then James leaves and slams our bedroom door shut on the whole thing. Turns out that my mother had invited him over and that just was rotten. He has his own family and apartment but instead of being with them -- he calls them up on his cell and they are chatting away like nothing is wrong. The Fat Cow is pestering Raul to come back so that they can eat and he's like, "but my Mama wants me here. I'll be there laterz, kay babez?" <<-- Just hearing him talk like that makes me want to take out a shotgun and blow his head clean off. The bastard is a freaking nuisance!! I know I know that's just wrong and scary for me to say but unless you've lived in my shoes (*I don't wish it on anyone*) there's just no understanding just how much hatred I have for this freak.

On one hand we should have just ignored Raul's prescence but we had planned out this dinner for two months. We had things we were going to say and share...the dinner was going to be something nice. But instead it turned out that we just covered up the food and went our seperate ways. No grace or thanks was said nor did we sit at the table that James had decorated so nicely. As if it was any other day we just served our food and went to our rooms. Raul shouldn't have come and my mother shouldn't have invited him over because she knows that neither James, nor I, and even Omar do not like him. He has been a source of constant pain, anger, and abuse that we three just want to forget about completely. If he was starving and without a family I would have offered for him to stay and eat but the thing is that he is nothing but a festering sore that won't go away. He has never apologized nor acknowledged that everything he has done to us was because he is a (*BEEP BEEEPING BEEP*) of a person. We don't expect that he ever will either. He's more alike his father than he'll ever recognize. So that was our Thanksgiving - a sucky day that could really have gone better. I have a sinking feeling though that the rest of the holidays are going to be this way. Which is why James and I have decided to not celebrate the holidays at this house any longer. Instead we are going to spend the holidays at a hotel where we can pretend that we live in our own house having our own private and peaceful occasion.

Posted by Lizzette at 04:18 PM |

Who would have thought...

Monday, November 21, 2005

. . . that my own mother would end up betraying me in a big way? Sure my father did so and quite often but never once did I imagine that my beloved mother would ultimately be the one that stabs me in the back with a sharp-knife. Now I'm sure that she had her reasons because it almost seems as if people that betray loved ones have their own sick little logic that drives them to hurt the people that they love. Except I can't imagine what her logic would be in this situation. First let me explain about the pyschatrist thing because it all ties together. The only reason why I agreed to seek help to perhaps help me become 'normal' under society's definition is because of my mother. The previous week I was approached by her case worker(*that is also her counselor*) to perhaps help relieve my Mami of pressure and stress by seeking help for myself. A big part of her worries is that I have a mental illness that prevents me from living a normal life. I will do anything to help my mother. I owe her so much so agreeing to go to the pysch clinic to be evaluated then assigned a pyschiatrist is just one of many things I could do in return for her selfless sacrifices. Now an appointment was set-up for me and everything. Fast forward to the day after I wrote the previous entry. My mother's case worker came over to bring my mother her prescription pills. The woman is kind enough to pick them up from the pharmacy then bring them to the house in order to ensure that my mother recieves and takes the pills. Well it turns out that the case worker wants to see me as well. I tell my mother that I'll be there in a second because I needed to get ready (*I was wearing uhm...my birthday suit at the time, lol*).

I guess I didn't close my bedroom door loud enough behind me because my mother and the case worker were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen. I was about halfway through the hallway when I heard them speak about the cats. Now this got me curious so I stopped and just listened. Yes, I eavesdropped but it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned me to not go any further. I obeyed it and found out a terrible secret. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me talking about all the kitties that were suddenly disappearing from my home? Well it was my mother. She was responsible for my cats disappearing. She took them one by one or three by three, put them into her car and just dropped them off in the middle of who the fuck knows where. I don't know if anyone here can understand how much this pains me because I have taken these cats into my care from abusive families, from the streets, and even nursed them back to health when they were ran over by some clueless idiot that couldn't figure out the speed limit. I took them in and loved them like they should have been loved and my GOD I cried and searched throuh the streets when I couldn't find them day after day. They are not just pieces of trash to be discarded just because SOMEONE ELSE is tired of seeing them. That house is being paid for by James' check and her fucking brand-new car is being paid for by James and even the full coverage insurance is being paid for by James and all the house neccessities and cat food and medicine---all by James. The one thing we ever asked for was to stay until we could get back on our feet and to allow for me to continue rescuing the cats. By God she had no right. She had none at all and I can't even describe just how much it pains me to say that I absolutely HATE her for hurting me in this way.

Oh but it doesn't stop there. You see I am not going to see anyone for what I have. Especially not when I further heard from that conversation that the whole thing was a set-up to get me locked up in a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of months. Considering that I was the one that took HER out of the mental hospital when my father put her in there so that he could have an entire month to bring home his mistress and introduce that whore to me(*I was 15*) and Omar (*he was five*) -- she had quite the nerve to attempt to put me in there just because she doesn't understand what I have?! Just because she is disgusted with me not being what her stupid bitch of a case worker considers normal?! Fuck them both. Fuck them both to hell and back. I am so torn apart and so hurt I don't know how much longer I can tolerate even being in the same place as her. Oh I have to admit that they were clever. They certainly manipulated me by using my love for my mother against me. I have always thought that love and loyalty was my greatest weakness but to be used in this manner was just...well there's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe now a few of you can understand why I constantly prefer to live in a fantasy world or prefer to just talk about the most basic of topics. Inside, in reality, in the place where I am at I am constantly facing a cycle of pain that never ends. Maybe to my mother I am no different than the poor cats she carelessly threw away. In a way I think perhaps that she has always resented having me as her daughter. No matter that I am the only one in the entire family that has stayed by her side to not only defend, to take care of, but also love her without expecting anything in return. But now the person that I least expected to betray my trust - turns out to be the one that actually does me in without remorse or feeling. I'm only sorry that I failed my kitties. I failed them so much because I didn't realize that the danger wasn't the neighbors or the streets..it was from within. Now I must spend sleepless nights watching out for the few cats that remain in my care because I'm not going to let them be taken away. I can't ever trust her ever again.

Mocha, Kali, Myu I and Myu II, Oofie, Gizmo, Moo, Snowball, Suzuki, Arameis, Tails... please forgive me. I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you and ultimately broke my promise.

Posted by Lizzette at 01:51 PM |

Holiday Mayhem

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The holiday season is already here. The time of the year where a person like me panics because ultimately I end up depending on James' income to get us through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not a secret that I pretty much live imprisoned in my home because of certain things but I'm trying to change that a bit at a time. The first step was contacting the mental health center which led to a case worker visiting me. The next step is to go to the center to be asked questions then based on what I say - they refer me to a psychiatrist that will hopefully help me out. Ugh, what fun! Oh but hey, I'm learning how to model in 3D which is a major pain in the ass. There is no easy way to learn how to 3D model and if a person doesn't learn the basics of modeling well they are pretty much screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why I never tried to learn before. The programs are hell to learn. At the end of a day you feel like throwing the monitor out the window and bashing your hard-drive with the keyboard in your hands. Aside from making abstract designs for my layouts with Autodesk 3ds Max I never was interested in learning how to actually model an object. Too much trouble and not intersting for this chica. o_O But what changed my mind you wonder? Welps, it's that latest object of my obsession the PC game, the Sims 2. People use to be happy just downloading clothes or skins but noooooooo -- now they want furniture sets, and new hair and clothes styles! Basically I'm learning so that our site can get a bit of traffic and that James can get recognized for his talent with building beautiful homes and buildings. I honestly don't care about the whole thing. I hate having to update and worry about another website but I do it for James. He wanted a website so I obliged because I wanted to help out. Honestly the game is fun and I like to play it but I mainly play to create stories. Sadly, no one wants to read any of my fanfictions unless they have super-graphical pictures to go with them. Stupid people. There use to be a time when words were the only thing that either made or breaks a story but to hell with straight out story-telling because all a person wants is to look at is a heavily-modified photo-manipulated picture that goes along with a few lines of story.

ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Ehhh but what's a person like me to do? Complain and then move on. Check! Okay so like the new layout? It's been a long time since I've done something that is simple yet satisfying. Reminds me of the old days when I was first starting to create my own layouts for my websites. Lol the most I knew about HTML was how to make things 'blink'. Anyhoo see the many different Sims up there? If you can name each girl I'll bow down before your absolute specialness. If not, well then boo hoo for you and no crown. J/K! :P In all honesty I believe that there are only two people that visit this blog that can name them all correctly. One person may know two of the characters vaguely and one other may not know any of them at all. LOL! Shows how much I talk about my Sims and RPG crap hunh? ^_____^

Yesterday as I was making the picture I realized that all along I have been creating, game and roleplaying different aspects to my personality. Each character always represented some twisted side of me. In a strange way they are all just a handful of the different masks that I had to learn to put on to survive in this life. As a consequence of constantly shoving the true aspect of my persona down further and further I had come to lose who I was in reality. It may be early for New Years resolutions but one of my goals is to rediscover myself. Hence the whole 'FM: Finding Me" subtitle of this website. Oho ho ho! I am setting myself up for either big success or crushing failure! Now that's the kind of chances I like to take.

On an entirely different note - the girls on Top Model are all ugly both on the outside and on the inside. (*Brr*) I cannot see how people can be so fake on both sides and live with themselves. >_<

Posted by Lizzette at 05:17 PM |

Relationship just got crappier

Saturday, September 28, 2005

(Big sigh) It's most likely my fault too. I'm not a pleasant person to be around with for long periods of time. I've always been the kind of individual that ends up keeping themselves company. My bestest friend has always been me. Which is sad to be honest.That alone can explain why James and I have never really gotten along. When he comes home from work we spend a few hours talking to one another just fine. We are just dandy. Until the time he has the day off and BOOM! We are at it like cats and dogs. A part of me has always questioned our relationship. He and I never had anyone before we got into our relationship. Then we committed mistake after mistake while being wrapped up in the feeling of first love and happiness...and started to live with each other only two months after our first date. Despite appearances, I really am just a nice lady. Incredibly shy would describe me in a nutshell. Sure a person can't tell because of how much I chat online but this is the Net -- no one sees the real me. Hiding behind the PC screen just gives me that extra boost of confidance that I can never have in real life. So pretty much, while James and I dated. . .he bullied me into a lot of things I never wanted to do. A good example was - sex. Never wanted it and my first time was in the back of his mother's van. No fireworks. No flowers. Not even a hotel room. And even sadder, I was mute through out the whole five minutes of the experience. I was completely dead inside.

Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or even a thought of, "Poor thing!" The one thing I hate above all else is someone pitying me. Don't know why that is but it just makes me feel like a victim (which I hate feeling too, lol). Really, I'm saying this to establish just how naive I was when I got involved with James. Oh hell and since I got your attention I might as well say that he forced me to 'fellatio' him in the most crudest way imaginable. This also establishes that he's always been a closet sexual pervert. One time, we were just hanging out in my car. He wanted to make out heavily with me but I told him that I just wanted to just talk. Know what he told me? It's still fresh in my mind. James said and I quote, "Then why the hell are we here?" Yeah, it was a big surprise to me too. Should have known he was a bit of an arse back then but I didn't see the warning flags. Time came when I didn't see the big RED flag either. James has emotionally cheated on me several, several times. All with the same woman whom was pregnant and married with his friend's baby. But we sorta worked it out. I think that I have partially forgiven him for all those times but honest to God I really can't forget it.

James is really a good guy though. He's a hard worker, he supports me, and tolerates all my illnesses. Plus, he has stayed with me despite my problems both mental and physical. That has got to count for something right? No other man would want to be with someone as pathetic as me. Another good point to him is that he's also good to my mother and has come through financially for her too. When Omar was pretending to be my sibling - James bought him things for school, helped him with job applications, homework, and has always bought him tons of Christmas presents. Not to forget to mention again that he sleeps in the same bed with me despite all my misgivings. I love him. I really do. On my LiveJournal(Robo, remind me to send you a link to it) I typed that I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. Never will that change. He is my one and only. My first everything so he is all the world to me and so much more. But times like now -- when we just have gotten into another argument (my fault too I admit) a part of me wants to wake him up so that I can apologize for my attitude. But another part - another part wants to leave it be. Leave it be in the hope that he will walk away because I often wonder just what my life would be like if I didn't have all of this to deal with. I wonder what it would be like to alone again. Yet a good portion of me is scared to lose him. Truthfully I do not know if this is because I am co-dependent or because I just fear change. Either way I am scared to death of losing him so I am quite a paranoid person when it comes to James.

We fight alot because of these feelings of losing him to another. I warned him about my problems of jealousy and distrust. I told him a billion times over and over that because I am a product of abuse, betrayel, and a child of divorce that TRUST IN HIM would be next to impossible at times. I warned him. I threw up STOP signs every inch of the way but he STILL wanted to accept me. Yet he also can't find the time to be there for me. When I am at my most vunerable I will attack a person in any way possible before they can get a chance to hurt me. When I am backed into a corner I will bite, scratch, and scream my way out of it. James knows this. He knows this and so much more but he refuses to allow me the chance to find help for all of this crap that is really just killing me inside. Because I gave up so much to just be with him he doesn't realize that I literally shut out the hope of ever becoming the person I knew I could have been. I am trapped within my own body screaming for help but the man does not give me the chance to seek help. He does not give me emotional support. The only thing he has ever seen me for is a convinant sex or house-cleaning tool. Now again, please don't get me wrong. I am no angel. Quite frankly I am often told that I am a very evil and sadistic person. This is true. I like to put up the gruff exterior to cover and protect the shy young woman within the walls. I am also not without mistakes. Lord knows I am the cause of most of our problems but come on! All I want is for James to start giving back to our relationship. Why must I be the only one that strives to patch our relationshp together? Why does it have to be me that puts aside everything just to make things right between us? Why can't he just open up to me the way I do for him? Why can't he comfort me and tell me that all the bloody fears in my heart are for nothing?! For Gods sake I don't need someone to financially support me. I need for him to LOVE me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. So why can't the man that I love above all others be the one to return my feelings? Why is it that when I am with him that I am still very much as alone as I ever was. . .

But ultimately our relationship got crappier because of me and my big mouth. I said some things that were offensive...I'm so fucking sad I thought he was having an affair with his male co-worker. I started accusing him and he got disgusted with the whole idea he walked off to the other room, came back sometime later, then went to bed. Okay but before anyone rolls their eyes at me --- let me at least try to explain myself. A lot of times he comes back from work and tells me about these rather flamboyant co-workers that are continually hitting on him. James thinks its disgusting but at the same time flattering because they are giving him compliments. Twice now, from picking him up from work I have discovered him sitting very close to two co-workers (male). What got me to the questions (didn't raise my voice at all might I add)was that today I picked him up and he was sitting next to one of the same co-workers. Now when I mean sitting? I mean sitting right next to the co-worker in the back trunk of the guy's car. Leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Maybe it's just me and my warped sense of perception (because I was raised by my father and church to be intolerant of same sex relations) but guys that are friends really don't ...well... (at least I don't think they don't) sit and touch limbs with eachother so much. Am I just paranoid about this? Probably. Yet everytime - James tells me that he sits there because they had gotten out like 15 minutes earlier than expected. Plus he didn't want to call me to come pick him up because it would just be too much trouble. OKAY so am I suppose to believe this is all a friendly relationship? Am I a terrible person because I suspect that James is starting to play around with another guy even if it is suppose to seem platonic? Someone throw me a line of sense here because maybe I have lost it completely. Yet I can't get past the fact that he is always happier (I mean giddy happy) when he comes home from work after spending those '15' minutes with these guys. How can I not feel jealous or suspicious? I am jealous that he is not ever, EVER, happy with me and that he can smile and laugh so much around another person. _I_ should be the one that makes him this happy in that extra special way. It should be me but obviously it's not so I had to ask him straight out. Sure it's reckless, plain thoughtless, but listen. . . I've been hurt and betrayed so many times by people I thought loved me it's quite natural for me to jump to conclusions. Quite honestly I dont know how else to think or react. Maybe if he would allow me to see a psychiatrist then things would be different but well you know the deal. Can't afford my medication and can't afford to get me help. So what else am I suppose to do while couped up behind the four walls of my prison? Think happy thoughts? I think not. James is even more deluded than I am if he thinks that!

Posted by Lizzette at 03:17 AM |

You Got NetDrama

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The strange thing is that I didn't cause the netdrama this time. o_O

First it started with the Limneos forum. It's a warez forum that I have been a member for over two years. Twice I had been asked to be an Admin but was quite happy being a moderator. My title was sweet, 'Forum Queen' I love that title to pieces. However things went sour when the owner of the Limneos site, Elias apparently wanted to use the forum for profit. In the warez world this is a huge no-no. You see, alike a code of honor among thieves there is a similiar code amongst warez peeps which is, "Do not make a profit". I found this noble and began learning nearly everything there was about warez and sharing warez. My own status of constantly never being able to afford luxuries such as cable tv, a kitchen stove, girlie products, manga/anime, or computer software has prompted me to learn how to acquire them and then share these finds back. Essentially this is the cycle of a warez sharer; find and share. However, Elias wanted to make a profit out of everything for his own gain. It would be one thing to ask for donations for a charity but to merely promote his buisness? This is not in good spirit. Therefore two very awesome guys set up a second forum called, Wasted Times. All of the crew that was at Limneos headed for the new forum and began filling it up with new content while at the same time bringing in new members.There was suppose to be an agreement met between the Admin but I guess it didn't happen. The Limneos forum was shut down. Unfortunately the unexpected happened and Wasted Times server and domain contract was close to expiring. Despite the noble efforts of a wonderful person (*not me, lol*) it almost seemed that we were going to lose the forum! Thankfully, he(*the wonderful person*) was able to purchase a domain with server space but it all came out of his own pocket. I am hoping that he will ask for donations to help foot the bill because it's not fair that he puts this much into the forum by himself. But all in all this had a happy ending if not a bit screwed in some areas.

Second drama occured in a Jem and the Holograms Y! Group I subscribe too. Over four years I have been banned from that thing because I have a slight uhm ---thing--- with the main writer of the show; Christy Marx. How can I explain it? Well there's this little fan clique that worships (*Yes, you heard me right*) the writer. They will fawn, swoon, coo, drool, and have called her a 'god' on that message list. I respect their flitty little delusions but hell if I will allow myself to be bullied simply because I do not follow their 'religion'. Once upon a long time ago I created a website called, JeMp3s. This site was the first of its kind amongst the Jem websites because all they had were information sites. I introduced three new concepts into the community. (A)Trendy layouts (B)Jem Multimedia and (C)Photo-manips of Jem characters. This seems to be a revolving theme at the moment but this clique felt threatened by me. I don't know why because I always shared, I always communicated, and I always taught what I knew to everyone that asked and even put up tutorials on how to do what I created. But I was flamed, banned, ridiculed, etc etc but the clencher came when I was accused of stealing the name, 'JeMp3s'. One of the fan clique(*cult*) members made a new site with the same name a few months after mine. At the time I conceded(sp) because I didn't want the hassle so I converted my site's name to what it is now; BubbleGumGlam. So that brings me to the netdrama at the list. There was a girl that happened to speak out against Christy Marx by calling her out and telling her how disgustingly arrogant she appeared. The writer has a thing about bitching on anyone that doesn't share her views and hating any mention of fanfiction. The girl that spoke out was then pounced upon faster than rabid piranha on a live wounded body. I wanted to defend the girl but the list admin have me on 'perma-moderation', lol. Whatever I type to the list is always monitored by the list admin so it wouldn't have mattered. Most likely it would have been deleted like the other times. Instead I just e-mail the girl and let her know that she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, I think the girl was banned so this netdrama had a bad ending.

Third drama regards two people I once had thought were my friends. Remember Josh and Angyl(*her name is Kristine - how scary is that, Imouto-chan?* O_O) well it's for certain now that they do not want to do anything with anyone that isn't in their crappy roleplaying game. I'm serious that the game is crappy because it's not well thought out and I'm sure Robo remembers how sad, strict, and stagnant the gameplay was alike. But anyways I was unsubscribed from their Y! Group then e-mailed a personal message that they were cleaning out the list and blah blah blaaaaah. I'm blocked from their friends list on messenger too. All of this cold treatment to the person they fondly called, 'my sister' or 'reincarnation of my daughter'. Gagh. X_X Anyhoo now I finally understand why their dolling forum, Towne Square went down. It wasn't because of the scandals and the betrayels of other people but rather that Josh and Angyl drove everyone away with their whines, lying tongues, and backstabbing nature. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize who they were in reality because I invested way too much of my time and emotional energy with them. This netdrama has a happy ending. I'm finally rid of the wicked witch and her croonie.

Fourth drama involves the Sims 2. On the official game site people that own the Sims 2 game are allowed to upload custom creations in the four basic forms of buildings, clothing, movies, and stories. I have done three out of the four and James has a knack at building lots so he uploaded tons to the site. Well, about April 8th he created the ultimate expression of architectural beauty. I kid you not this cathedral named, "St. Ariella'(lol) was number one out of 37, 869 other creations. Basically he was #1 of the entire site. I was extremely proud of him so I took a print screen shot of his truimph for token sake. Little did I know how much it would come in handy later. What took a week for him to achieve in ranking was taken away in a mere hour. The St. Ariella Cathedral was a 4.67 rating and was dropped to a 2.0 This is what is known as 'rate hating'. It takes a considerable amount of people to do this type of thing. We figured out who had done it -- SterlingDT. Now I'm going to show you the print screen shot. The first on top is James(*he uploaded under my account until I registered a second for him*) the second is a croonie of SterlingDT, and the third is SterlingDT herself. I would show the image itself but its rather huge being a print screen shot that hasn't been cropped or optimized.

Click to see picture

Guess who was number one before James? She was and that insighted the first bout of jealous rage against us. Disgusted, we took our material elsewhere to a pay site called, The Sims Resource. This is where the adult players mill about while the official site is a beacon to tweens. There James has climbed the ranks and has become the top architect. Now I use my official site account to post my Sim stories. I have achieved a 5 star rating on them all and by no easy means either. Things were comfortable until James joined a forum that was led by SterlingDt. At this forum of hers she has a cult-like following as well whom we like to refer to as 'sheep'. Inside he discovered a nasty truth. The forum basically gets together and rate hates any building or custom content creation that achieves a higher rating then their creations. James called them out on it and entirely in a civil manner but was banned. Then his account was frozen. An account can only be frozen and hidden from view by a Sim master(aka a moderator) which means that his little webpage was reported. What this means is that several people report a 'MySim Page'(mini webpage) for inappropriate content, bad language, or stolen content. James has neither of that but until the poeple that are above the Sim masters determine this--his page is hidden and frozen completely. I discover a short while later that on SterlingDT's blog on her MySim page that she is the one that did it. Apparently she gathered her forum sheep to all mass report James' page for all the wrong reasons which are all false. They also hit his creations to nothing...and then they turned on me.

My stories were hit considerably and then MySim page was also reported and frozen. All of this because they felt threatened. The third chapter of Saijin Moon had hit the top ten list and this enraged the sheep of SterlingDT because they had their stories in the top ten. Me moving up = them moving down. So James and I are done with the Exchange for now. Our accounts are useless until the site moderators remove our ban which I can assure you will not happen for a very long time. The EA site is a complex site wrought with stupidity, moronic behavior, and an affliction to asslick for popularity reasons. James and I want no part of it so I am moving our tutorials to our Sims 2 website and to Live Journal. It'll be hard though because my only archive of the stories is up at the Sims 2 site. Luckily I am not a woman without means. As childish as it sounds and feels for me; I have begun plans for vengeance. I know, I know. I'm only reducing myself to their level but as I once told a former stalker that was bothering two special friends of mine-- hurt me and I will shrug indifferently, hurt someone I love or care about -- and I will strike down upon you with utter vengeance. My self-esteem, my self-worth is nothing. I feel nor care nothing about myself but I do so love James and I despise _anyone_ and I will _hate_ anyone that dares to hurt him in any shape or form. Fortunately for her, I will not take down her forum because she did not come to disturb our forum. However because she has taken action to get our MySim pages frozen then I will take down both her MySimPage and her forum's MySimpage in retribution. I will also send her a personal e-mail and depending on her response...well I am honestly hoping that she will be mature and simply apologize. I ask for nothing more. So this netdrama still hasn't an ending but maybe it'll be a good one. We'll just have to wait and see.

On a lighter note: Christmas is nearly here! Gimme Net presents!! ^_____^

Posted by Lizzette at 02:34 PM |

...

Friday, December 03, 2005

I grubbed about the floor like a caterpillar in dirt.

Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM |

My Thanksgiving SUCKED...

Friday, November 29, 2005

. . . but at least we were fortunate enough to have one. I know there are a great deal of people that suffer through life with scarce anything to eat nor a roof over their heads. In a way I wish our food could have gone to them because my family certainly doesn't deserve a Thanksgiving. I know that I above all others do not deserve anything either. The day started out with a realization that the turkey we had defrosted over the night was very frostbitten. When I put it into the brine for a six hour soak and final defrost another odd thing I noticed was that the opening where a person takes out the little 'giblets, lungs, heart, and liver' bad was not even there. It was completely closed so I had to uhm...rip all that out by forcing a hole where the neck and parts bag should have been. That aside, we also have no stove. I mean we have one but it doesn't work. But we do have a little roaster oven so we used that for everything but that also means we can only cook one thing at a time, lol. The day goes by okay but as James and I start to prepare the side dishes we start to argue over little things that propels us into a sour mood. See, I haven't been sleeping much of anything so I've been really _really_ irritable (*Okay bitchy is more apt of a word*). Couldn't have been easy for James to get along with me so I don't blame him for getting miffed at my bad mood. Next we discover the ham we had bought was not totally defrosted. The thing was supposedly roasting in its own marinade but instead it turns out it was just bubbling the water that had defrosted. The thing is that it looked defrosted but when we popped the thermomater inside -- it was completely frozen! ARGH! So day turns to evening and we are about ready to put final touches on the desserts when suddenly the doorbell rings. Now we weren't expecting company -- just the four of us at dinner as usual. But who comes into the door? RAUL! The man's presence just brings down our mood entirely. James absolutely HATES Raul and quite frankly so do I. I have to literally stop James from picking a deliberate fight with Raul which turns his anger onto me. We argue bitterly and then James leaves and slams our bedroom door shut on the whole thing. Turns out that my mother had invited him over and that just was rotten. He has his own family and apartment but instead of being with them -- he calls them up on his cell and they are chatting away like nothing is wrong. The Fat Cow is pestering Raul to come back so that they can eat and he's like, "but my Mama wants me here. I'll be there laterz, kay babez?" <<-- Just hearing him talk like that makes me want to take out a shotgun and blow his head clean off. The bastard is a freaking nuisance!! I know I know that's just wrong and scary for me to say but unless you've lived in my shoes (*I don't wish it on anyone*) there's just no understanding just how much hatred I have for this freak.

On one hand we should have just ignored Raul's prescence but we had planned out this dinner for two months. We had things we were going to say and share...the dinner was going to be something nice. But instead it turned out that we just covered up the food and went our seperate ways. No grace or thanks was said nor did we sit at the table that James had decorated so nicely. As if it was any other day we just served our food and went to our rooms. Raul shouldn't have come and my mother shouldn't have invited him over because she knows that neither James, nor I, and even Omar do not like him. He has been a source of constant pain, anger, and abuse that we three just want to forget about completely. If he was starving and without a family I would have offered for him to stay and eat but the thing is that he is nothing but a festering sore that won't go away. He has never apologized nor acknowledged that everything he has done to us was because he is a (*BEEP BEEEPING BEEP*) of a person. We don't expect that he ever will either. He's more alike his father than he'll ever recognize. So that was our Thanksgiving - a sucky day that could really have gone better. I have a sinking feeling though that the rest of the holidays are going to be this way. Which is why James and I have decided to not celebrate the holidays at this house any longer. Instead we are going to spend the holidays at a hotel where we can pretend that we live in our own house having our own private and peaceful occasion.

Posted by Lizzette at 04:18 PM |

Who would have thought...

Monday, November 21, 2005

. . . that my own mother would end up betraying me in a big way? Sure my father did so and quite often but never once did I imagine that my beloved mother would ultimately be the one that stabs me in the back with a sharp-knife. Now I'm sure that she had her reasons because it almost seems as if people that betray loved ones have their own sick little logic that drives them to hurt the people that they love. Except I can't imagine what her logic would be in this situation. First let me explain about the pyschatrist thing because it all ties together. The only reason why I agreed to seek help to perhaps help me become 'normal' under society's definition is because of my mother. The previous week I was approached by her case worker(*that is also her counselor*) to perhaps help relieve my Mami of pressure and stress by seeking help for myself. A big part of her worries is that I have a mental illness that prevents me from living a normal life. I will do anything to help my mother. I owe her so much so agreeing to go to the pysch clinic to be evaluated then assigned a pyschiatrist is just one of many things I could do in return for her selfless sacrifices. Now an appointment was set-up for me and everything. Fast forward to the day after I wrote the previous entry. My mother's case worker came over to bring my mother her prescription pills. The woman is kind enough to pick them up from the pharmacy then bring them to the house in order to ensure that my mother recieves and takes the pills. Well it turns out that the case worker wants to see me as well. I tell my mother that I'll be there in a second because I needed to get ready (*I was wearing uhm...my birthday suit at the time, lol*).

I guess I didn't close my bedroom door loud enough behind me because my mother and the case worker were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen. I was about halfway through the hallway when I heard them speak about the cats. Now this got me curious so I stopped and just listened. Yes, I eavesdropped but it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned me to not go any further. I obeyed it and found out a terrible secret. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me talking about all the kitties that were suddenly disappearing from my home? Well it was my mother. She was responsible for my cats disappearing. She took them one by one or three by three, put them into her car and just dropped them off in the middle of who the fuck knows where. I don't know if anyone here can understand how much this pains me because I have taken these cats into my care from abusive families, from the streets, and even nursed them back to health when they were ran over by some clueless idiot that couldn't figure out the speed limit. I took them in and loved them like they should have been loved and my GOD I cried and searched throuh the streets when I couldn't find them day after day. They are not just pieces of trash to be discarded just because SOMEONE ELSE is tired of seeing them. That house is being paid for by James' check and her fucking brand-new car is being paid for by James and even the full coverage insurance is being paid for by James and all the house neccessities and cat food and medicine---all by James. The one thing we ever asked for was to stay until we could get back on our feet and to allow for me to continue rescuing the cats. By God she had no right. She had none at all and I can't even describe just how much it pains me to say that I absolutely HATE her for hurting me in this way.

Oh but it doesn't stop there. You see I am not going to see anyone for what I have. Especially not when I further heard from that conversation that the whole thing was a set-up to get me locked up in a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of months. Considering that I was the one that took HER out of the mental hospital when my father put her in there so that he could have an entire month to bring home his mistress and introduce that whore to me(*I was 15*) and Omar (*he was five*) -- she had quite the nerve to attempt to put me in there just because she doesn't understand what I have?! Just because she is disgusted with me not being what her stupid bitch of a case worker considers normal?! Fuck them both. Fuck them both to hell and back. I am so torn apart and so hurt I don't know how much longer I can tolerate even being in the same place as her. Oh I have to admit that they were clever. They certainly manipulated me by using my love for my mother against me. I have always thought that love and loyalty was my greatest weakness but to be used in this manner was just...well there's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe now a few of you can understand why I constantly prefer to live in a fantasy world or prefer to just talk about the most basic of topics. Inside, in reality, in the place where I am at I am constantly facing a cycle of pain that never ends. Maybe to my mother I am no different than the poor cats she carelessly threw away. In a way I think perhaps that she has always resented having me as her daughter. No matter that I am the only one in the entire family that has stayed by her side to not only defend, to take care of, but also love her without expecting anything in return. But now the person that I least expected to betray my trust - turns out to be the one that actually does me in without remorse or feeling. I'm only sorry that I failed my kitties. I failed them so much because I didn't realize that the danger wasn't the neighbors or the streets..it was from within. Now I must spend sleepless nights watching out for the few cats that remain in my care because I'm not going to let them be taken away. I can't ever trust her ever again.

Mocha, Kali, Myu I and Myu II, Oofie, Gizmo, Moo, Snowball, Suzuki, Arameis, Tails... please forgive me. I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you and ultimately broke my promise.

Posted by Lizzette at 01:51 PM |

Holiday Mayhem

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The holiday season is already here. The time of the year where a person like me panics because ultimately I end up depending on James' income to get us through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not a secret that I pretty much live imprisoned in my home because of certain things but I'm trying to change that a bit at a time. The first step was contacting the mental health center which led to a case worker visiting me. The next step is to go to the center to be asked questions then based on what I say - they refer me to a psychiatrist that will hopefully help me out. Ugh, what fun! Oh but hey, I'm learning how to model in 3D which is a major pain in the ass. There is no easy way to learn how to 3D model and if a person doesn't learn the basics of modeling well they are pretty much screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why I never tried to learn before. The programs are hell to learn. At the end of a day you feel like throwing the monitor out the window and bashing your hard-drive with the keyboard in your hands. Aside from making abstract designs for my layouts with Autodesk 3ds Max I never was interested in learning how to actually model an object. Too much trouble and not intersting for this chica. o_O But what changed my mind you wonder? Welps, it's that latest object of my obsession the PC game, the Sims 2. People use to be happy just downloading clothes or skins but noooooooo -- now they want furniture sets, and new hair and clothes styles! Basically I'm learning so that our site can get a bit of traffic and that James can get recognized for his talent with building beautiful homes and buildings. I honestly don't care about the whole thing. I hate having to update and worry about another website but I do it for James. He wanted a website so I obliged because I wanted to help out. Honestly the game is fun and I like to play it but I mainly play to create stories. Sadly, no one wants to read any of my fanfictions unless they have super-graphical pictures to go with them. Stupid people. There use to be a time when words were the only thing that either made or breaks a story but to hell with straight out story-telling because all a person wants is to look at is a heavily-modified photo-manipulated picture that goes along with a few lines of story.

ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Ehhh but what's a person like me to do? Complain and then move on. Check! Okay so like the new layout? It's been a long time since I've done something that is simple yet satisfying. Reminds me of the old days when I was first starting to create my own layouts for my websites. Lol the most I knew about HTML was how to make things 'blink'. Anyhoo see the many different Sims up there? If you can name each girl I'll bow down before your absolute specialness. If not, well then boo hoo for you and no crown. J/K! :P In all honesty I believe that there are only two people that visit this blog that can name them all correctly. One person may know two of the characters vaguely and one other may not know any of them at all. LOL! Shows how much I talk about my Sims and RPG crap hunh? ^_____^

Yesterday as I was making the picture I realized that all along I have been creating, game and roleplaying different aspects to my personality. Each character always represented some twisted side of me. In a strange way they are all just a handful of the different masks that I had to learn to put on to survive in this life. As a consequence of constantly shoving the true aspect of my persona down further and further I had come to lose who I was in reality. It may be early for New Years resolutions but one of my goals is to rediscover myself. Hence the whole 'FM: Finding Me" subtitle of this website. Oho ho ho! I am setting myself up for either big success or crushing failure! Now that's the kind of chances I like to take.

On an entirely different note - the girls on Top Model are all ugly both on the outside and on the inside. (*Brr*) I cannot see how people can be so fake on both sides and live with themselves. >_<

Posted by Lizzette at 05:17 PM |

Relationship just got crappier

Saturday, September 28, 2005

(Big sigh) It's most likely my fault too. I'm not a pleasant person to be around with for long periods of time. I've always been the kind of individual that ends up keeping themselves company. My bestest friend has always been me. Which is sad to be honest.That alone can explain why James and I have never really gotten along. When he comes home from work we spend a few hours talking to one another just fine. We are just dandy. Until the time he has the day off and BOOM! We are at it like cats and dogs. A part of me has always questioned our relationship. He and I never had anyone before we got into our relationship. Then we committed mistake after mistake while being wrapped up in the feeling of first love and happiness...and started to live with each other only two months after our first date. Despite appearances, I really am just a nice lady. Incredibly shy would describe me in a nutshell. Sure a person can't tell because of how much I chat online but this is the Net -- no one sees the real me. Hiding behind the PC screen just gives me that extra boost of confidance that I can never have in real life. So pretty much, while James and I dated. . .he bullied me into a lot of things I never wanted to do. A good example was - sex. Never wanted it and my first time was in the back of his mother's van. No fireworks. No flowers. Not even a hotel room. And even sadder, I was mute through out the whole five minutes of the experience. I was completely dead inside.

Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or even a thought of, "Poor thing!" The one thing I hate above all else is someone pitying me. Don't know why that is but it just makes me feel like a victim (which I hate feeling too, lol). Really, I'm saying this to establish just how naive I was when I got involved with James. Oh hell and since I got your attention I might as well say that he forced me to 'fellatio' him in the most crudest way imaginable. This also establishes that he's always been a closet sexual pervert. One time, we were just hanging out in my car. He wanted to make out heavily with me but I told him that I just wanted to just talk. Know what he told me? It's still fresh in my mind. James said and I quote, "Then why the hell are we here?" Yeah, it was a big surprise to me too. Should have known he was a bit of an arse back then but I didn't see the warning flags. Time came when I didn't see the big RED flag either. James has emotionally cheated on me several, several times. All with the same woman whom was pregnant and married with his friend's baby. But we sorta worked it out. I think that I have partially forgiven him for all those times but honest to God I really can't forget it.

James is really a good guy though. He's a hard worker, he supports me, and tolerates all my illnesses. Plus, he has stayed with me despite my problems both mental and physical. That has got to count for something right? No other man would want to be with someone as pathetic as me. Another good point to him is that he's also good to my mother and has come through financially for her too. When Omar was pretending to be my sibling - James bought him things for school, helped him with job applications, homework, and has always bought him tons of Christmas presents. Not to forget to mention again that he sleeps in the same bed with me despite all my misgivings. I love him. I really do. On my LiveJournal(Robo, remind me to send you a link to it) I typed that I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. Never will that change. He is my one and only. My first everything so he is all the world to me and so much more. But times like now -- when we just have gotten into another argument (my fault too I admit) a part of me wants to wake him up so that I can apologize for my attitude. But another part - another part wants to leave it be. Leave it be in the hope that he will walk away because I often wonder just what my life would be like if I didn't have all of this to deal with. I wonder what it would be like to alone again. Yet a good portion of me is scared to lose him. Truthfully I do not know if this is because I am co-dependent or because I just fear change. Either way I am scared to death of losing him so I am quite a paranoid person when it comes to James.

We fight alot because of these feelings of losing him to another. I warned him about my problems of jealousy and distrust. I told him a billion times over and over that because I am a product of abuse, betrayel, and a child of divorce that TRUST IN HIM would be next to impossible at times. I warned him. I threw up STOP signs every inch of the way but he STILL wanted to accept me. Yet he also can't find the time to be there for me. When I am at my most vunerable I will attack a person in any way possible before they can get a chance to hurt me. When I am backed into a corner I will bite, scratch, and scream my way out of it. James knows this. He knows this and so much more but he refuses to allow me the chance to find help for all of this crap that is really just killing me inside. Because I gave up so much to just be with him he doesn't realize that I literally shut out the hope of ever becoming the person I knew I could have been. I am trapped within my own body screaming for help but the man does not give me the chance to seek help. He does not give me emotional support. The only thing he has ever seen me for is a convinant sex or house-cleaning tool. Now again, please don't get me wrong. I am no angel. Quite frankly I am often told that I am a very evil and sadistic person. This is true. I like to put up the gruff exterior to cover and protect the shy young woman within the walls. I am also not without mistakes. Lord knows I am the cause of most of our problems but come on! All I want is for James to start giving back to our relationship. Why must I be the only one that strives to patch our relationshp together? Why does it have to be me that puts aside everything just to make things right between us? Why can't he just open up to me the way I do for him? Why can't he comfort me and tell me that all the bloody fears in my heart are for nothing?! For Gods sake I don't need someone to financially support me. I need for him to LOVE me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. So why can't the man that I love above all others be the one to return my feelings? Why is it that when I am with him that I am still very much as alone as I ever was. . .

But ultimately our relationship got crappier because of me and my big mouth. I said some things that were offensive...I'm so fucking sad I thought he was having an affair with his male co-worker. I started accusing him and he got disgusted with the whole idea he walked off to the other room, came back sometime later, then went to bed. Okay but before anyone rolls their eyes at me --- let me at least try to explain myself. A lot of times he comes back from work and tells me about these rather flamboyant co-workers that are continually hitting on him. James thinks its disgusting but at the same time flattering because they are giving him compliments. Twice now, from picking him up from work I have discovered him sitting very close to two co-workers (male). What got me to the questions (didn't raise my voice at all might I add)was that today I picked him up and he was sitting next to one of the same co-workers. Now when I mean sitting? I mean sitting right next to the co-worker in the back trunk of the guy's car. Leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Maybe it's just me and my warped sense of perception (because I was raised by my father and church to be intolerant of same sex relations) but guys that are friends really don't ...well... (at least I don't think they don't) sit and touch limbs with eachother so much. Am I just paranoid about this? Probably. Yet everytime - James tells me that he sits there because they had gotten out like 15 minutes earlier than expected. Plus he didn't want to call me to come pick him up because it would just be too much trouble. OKAY so am I suppose to believe this is all a friendly relationship? Am I a terrible person because I suspect that James is starting to play around with another guy even if it is suppose to seem platonic? Someone throw me a line of sense here because maybe I have lost it completely. Yet I can't get past the fact that he is always happier (I mean giddy happy) when he comes home from work after spending those '15' minutes with these guys. How can I not feel jealous or suspicious? I am jealous that he is not ever, EVER, happy with me and that he can smile and laugh so much around another person. _I_ should be the one that makes him this happy in that extra special way. It should be me but obviously it's not so I had to ask him straight out. Sure it's reckless, plain thoughtless, but listen. . . I've been hurt and betrayed so many times by people I thought loved me it's quite natural for me to jump to conclusions. Quite honestly I dont know how else to think or react. Maybe if he would allow me to see a psychiatrist then things would be different but well you know the deal. Can't afford my medication and can't afford to get me help. So what else am I suppose to do while couped up behind the four walls of my prison? Think happy thoughts? I think not. James is even more deluded than I am if he thinks that!

Posted by Lizzette at 03:17 AM |

You Got NetDrama

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The strange thing is that I didn't cause the netdrama this time. o_O

First it started with the Limneos forum. It's a warez forum that I have been a member for over two years. Twice I had been asked to be an Admin but was quite happy being a moderator. My title was sweet, 'Forum Queen' I love that title to pieces. However things went sour when the owner of the Limneos site, Elias apparently wanted to use the forum for profit. In the warez world this is a huge no-no. You see, alike a code of honor among thieves there is a similiar code amongst warez peeps which is, "Do not make a profit". I found this noble and began learning nearly everything there was about warez and sharing warez. My own status of constantly never being able to afford luxuries such as cable tv, a kitchen stove, girlie products, manga/anime, or computer software has prompted me to learn how to acquire them and then share these finds back. Essentially this is the cycle of a warez sharer; find and share. However, Elias wanted to make a profit out of everything for his own gain. It would be one thing to ask for donations for a charity but to merely promote his buisness? This is not in good spirit. Therefore two very awesome guys set up a second forum called, Wasted Times. All of the crew that was at Limneos headed for the new forum and began filling it up with new content while at the same time bringing in new members.There was suppose to be an agreement met between the Admin but I guess it didn't happen. The Limneos forum was shut down. Unfortunately the unexpected happened and Wasted Times server and domain contract was close to expiring. Despite the noble efforts of a wonderful person (*not me, lol*) it almost seemed that we were going to lose the forum! Thankfully, he(*the wonderful person*) was able to purchase a domain with server space but it all came out of his own pocket. I am hoping that he will ask for donations to help foot the bill because it's not fair that he puts this much into the forum by himself. But all in all this had a happy ending if not a bit screwed in some areas.

Second drama occured in a Jem and the Holograms Y! Group I subscribe too. Over four years I have been banned from that thing because I have a slight uhm ---thing--- with the main writer of the show; Christy Marx. How can I explain it? Well there's this little fan clique that worships (*Yes, you heard me right*) the writer. They will fawn, swoon, coo, drool, and have called her a 'god' on that message list. I respect their flitty little delusions but hell if I will allow myself to be bullied simply because I do not follow their 'religion'. Once upon a long time ago I created a website called, JeMp3s. This site was the first of its kind amongst the Jem websites because all they had were information sites. I introduced three new concepts into the community. (A)Trendy layouts (B)Jem Multimedia and (C)Photo-manips of Jem characters. This seems to be a revolving theme at the moment but this clique felt threatened by me. I don't know why because I always shared, I always communicated, and I always taught what I knew to everyone that asked and even put up tutorials on how to do what I created. But I was flamed, banned, ridiculed, etc etc but the clencher came when I was accused of stealing the name, 'JeMp3s'. One of the fan clique(*cult*) members made a new site with the same name a few months after mine. At the time I conceded(sp) because I didn't want the hassle so I converted my site's name to what it is now; BubbleGumGlam. So that brings me to the netdrama at the list. There was a girl that happened to speak out against Christy Marx by calling her out and telling her how disgustingly arrogant she appeared. The writer has a thing about bitching on anyone that doesn't share her views and hating any mention of fanfiction. The girl that spoke out was then pounced upon faster than rabid piranha on a live wounded body. I wanted to defend the girl but the list admin have me on 'perma-moderation', lol. Whatever I type to the list is always monitored by the list admin so it wouldn't have mattered. Most likely it would have been deleted like the other times. Instead I just e-mail the girl and let her know that she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, I think the girl was banned so this netdrama had a bad ending.

Third drama regards two people I once had thought were my friends. Remember Josh and Angyl(*her name is Kristine - how scary is that, Imouto-chan?* O_O) well it's for certain now that they do not want to do anything with anyone that isn't in their crappy roleplaying game. I'm serious that the game is crappy because it's not well thought out and I'm sure Robo remembers how sad, strict, and stagnant the gameplay was alike. But anyways I was unsubscribed from their Y! Group then e-mailed a personal message that they were cleaning out the list and blah blah blaaaaah. I'm blocked from their friends list on messenger too. All of this cold treatment to the person they fondly called, 'my sister' or 'reincarnation of my daughter'. Gagh. X_X Anyhoo now I finally understand why their dolling forum, Towne Square went down. It wasn't because of the scandals and the betrayels of other people but rather that Josh and Angyl drove everyone away with their whines, lying tongues, and backstabbing nature. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize who they were in reality because I invested way too much of my time and emotional energy with them. This netdrama has a happy ending. I'm finally rid of the wicked witch and her croonie.

Fourth drama involves the Sims 2. On the official game site people that own the Sims 2 game are allowed to upload custom creations in the four basic forms of buildings, clothing, movies, and stories. I have done three out of the four and James has a knack at building lots so he uploaded tons to the site. Well, about April 8th he created the ultimate expression of architectural beauty. I kid you not this cathedral named, "St. Ariella'(lol) was number one out of 37, 869 other creations. Basically he was #1 of the entire site. I was extremely proud of him so I took a print screen shot of his truimph for token sake. Little did I know how much it would come in handy later. What took a week for him to achieve in ranking was taken away in a mere hour. The St. Ariella Cathedral was a 4.67 rating and was dropped to a 2.0 This is what is known as 'rate hating'. It takes a considerable amount of people to do this type of thing. We figured out who had done it -- SterlingDT. Now I'm going to show you the print screen shot. The first on top is James(*he uploaded under my account until I registered a second for him*) the second is a croonie of SterlingDT, and the third is SterlingDT herself. I would show the image itself but its rather huge being a print screen shot that hasn't been cropped or optimized.

Click to see picture

Guess who was number one before James? She was and that insighted the first bout of jealous rage against us. Disgusted, we took our material elsewhere to a pay site called, The Sims Resource. This is where the adult players mill about while the official site is a beacon to tweens. There James has climbed the ranks and has become the top architect. Now I use my official site account to post my Sim stories. I have achieved a 5 star rating on them all and by no easy means either. Things were comfortable until James joined a forum that was led by SterlingDt. At this forum of hers she has a cult-like following as well whom we like to refer to as 'sheep'. Inside he discovered a nasty truth. The forum basically gets together and rate hates any building or custom content creation that achieves a higher rating then their creations. James called them out on it and entirely in a civil manner but was banned. Then his account was frozen. An account can only be frozen and hidden from view by a Sim master(aka a moderator) which means that his little webpage was reported. What this means is that several people report a 'MySim Page'(mini webpage) for inappropriate content, bad language, or stolen content. James has neither of that but until the poeple that are above the Sim masters determine this--his page is hidden and frozen completely. I discover a short while later that on SterlingDT's blog on her MySim page that she is the one that did it. Apparently she gathered her forum sheep to all mass report James' page for all the wrong reasons which are all false. They also hit his creations to nothing...and then they turned on me.

My stories were hit considerably and then MySim page was also reported and frozen. All of this because they felt threatened. The third chapter of Saijin Moon had hit the top ten list and this enraged the sheep of SterlingDT because they had their stories in the top ten. Me moving up = them moving down. So James and I are done with the Exchange for now. Our accounts are useless until the site moderators remove our ban which I can assure you will not happen for a very long time. The EA site is a complex site wrought with stupidity, moronic behavior, and an affliction to asslick for popularity reasons. James and I want no part of it so I am moving our tutorials to our Sims 2 website and to Live Journal. It'll be hard though because my only archive of the stories is up at the Sims 2 site. Luckily I am not a woman without means. As childish as it sounds and feels for me; I have begun plans for vengeance. I know, I know. I'm only reducing myself to their level but as I once told a former stalker that was bothering two special friends of mine-- hurt me and I will shrug indifferently, hurt someone I love or care about -- and I will strike down upon you with utter vengeance. My self-esteem, my self-worth is nothing. I feel nor care nothing about myself but I do so love James and I despise _anyone_ and I will _hate_ anyone that dares to hurt him in any shape or form. Fortunately for her, I will not take down her forum because she did not come to disturb our forum. However because she has taken action to get our MySim pages frozen then I will take down both her MySimPage and her forum's MySimpage in retribution. I will also send her a personal e-mail and depending on her response...well I am honestly hoping that she will be mature and simply apologize. I ask for nothing more. So this netdrama still hasn't an ending but maybe it'll be a good one. We'll just have to wait and see.

On a lighter note: Christmas is nearly here! Gimme Net presents!! ^_____^

Posted by Lizzette at 02:34 PM |

...

Friday, December 03, 2005

I grubbed about the floor like a caterpillar in dirt.

Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM |

My Thanksgiving SUCKED...

Friday, November 29, 2005

. . . but at least we were fortunate enough to have one. I know there are a great deal of people that suffer through life with scarce anything to eat nor a roof over their heads. In a way I wish our food could have gone to them because my family certainly doesn't deserve a Thanksgiving. I know that I above all others do not deserve anything either. The day started out with a realization that the turkey we had defrosted over the night was very frostbitten. When I put it into the brine for a six hour soak and final defrost another odd thing I noticed was that the opening where a person takes out the little 'giblets, lungs, heart, and liver' bad was not even there. It was completely closed so I had to uhm...rip all that out by forcing a hole where the neck and parts bag should have been. That aside, we also have no stove. I mean we have one but it doesn't work. But we do have a little roaster oven so we used that for everything but that also means we can only cook one thing at a time, lol. The day goes by okay but as James and I start to prepare the side dishes we start to argue over little things that propels us into a sour mood. See, I haven't been sleeping much of anything so I've been really _really_ irritable (*Okay bitchy is more apt of a word*). Couldn't have been easy for James to get along with me so I don't blame him for getting miffed at my bad mood. Next we discover the ham we had bought was not totally defrosted. The thing was supposedly roasting in its own marinade but instead it turns out it was just bubbling the water that had defrosted. The thing is that it looked defrosted but when we popped the thermomater inside -- it was completely frozen! ARGH! So day turns to evening and we are about ready to put final touches on the desserts when suddenly the doorbell rings. Now we weren't expecting company -- just the four of us at dinner as usual. But who comes into the door? RAUL! The man's presence just brings down our mood entirely. James absolutely HATES Raul and quite frankly so do I. I have to literally stop James from picking a deliberate fight with Raul which turns his anger onto me. We argue bitterly and then James leaves and slams our bedroom door shut on the whole thing. Turns out that my mother had invited him over and that just was rotten. He has his own family and apartment but instead of being with them -- he calls them up on his cell and they are chatting away like nothing is wrong. The Fat Cow is pestering Raul to come back so that they can eat and he's like, "but my Mama wants me here. I'll be there laterz, kay babez?" <<-- Just hearing him talk like that makes me want to take out a shotgun and blow his head clean off. The bastard is a freaking nuisance!! I know I know that's just wrong and scary for me to say but unless you've lived in my shoes (*I don't wish it on anyone*) there's just no understanding just how much hatred I have for this freak.

On one hand we should have just ignored Raul's prescence but we had planned out this dinner for two months. We had things we were going to say and share...the dinner was going to be something nice. But instead it turned out that we just covered up the food and went our seperate ways. No grace or thanks was said nor did we sit at the table that James had decorated so nicely. As if it was any other day we just served our food and went to our rooms. Raul shouldn't have come and my mother shouldn't have invited him over because she knows that neither James, nor I, and even Omar do not like him. He has been a source of constant pain, anger, and abuse that we three just want to forget about completely. If he was starving and without a family I would have offered for him to stay and eat but the thing is that he is nothing but a festering sore that won't go away. He has never apologized nor acknowledged that everything he has done to us was because he is a (*BEEP BEEEPING BEEP*) of a person. We don't expect that he ever will either. He's more alike his father than he'll ever recognize. So that was our Thanksgiving - a sucky day that could really have gone better. I have a sinking feeling though that the rest of the holidays are going to be this way. Which is why James and I have decided to not celebrate the holidays at this house any longer. Instead we are going to spend the holidays at a hotel where we can pretend that we live in our own house having our own private and peaceful occasion.

Posted by Lizzette at 04:18 PM |

Who would have thought...

Monday, November 21, 2005

. . . that my own mother would end up betraying me in a big way? Sure my father did so and quite often but never once did I imagine that my beloved mother would ultimately be the one that stabs me in the back with a sharp-knife. Now I'm sure that she had her reasons because it almost seems as if people that betray loved ones have their own sick little logic that drives them to hurt the people that they love. Except I can't imagine what her logic would be in this situation. First let me explain about the pyschatrist thing because it all ties together. The only reason why I agreed to seek help to perhaps help me become 'normal' under society's definition is because of my mother. The previous week I was approached by her case worker(*that is also her counselor*) to perhaps help relieve my Mami of pressure and stress by seeking help for myself. A big part of her worries is that I have a mental illness that prevents me from living a normal life. I will do anything to help my mother. I owe her so much so agreeing to go to the pysch clinic to be evaluated then assigned a pyschiatrist is just one of many things I could do in return for her selfless sacrifices. Now an appointment was set-up for me and everything. Fast forward to the day after I wrote the previous entry. My mother's case worker came over to bring my mother her prescription pills. The woman is kind enough to pick them up from the pharmacy then bring them to the house in order to ensure that my mother recieves and takes the pills. Well it turns out that the case worker wants to see me as well. I tell my mother that I'll be there in a second because I needed to get ready (*I was wearing uhm...my birthday suit at the time, lol*).

I guess I didn't close my bedroom door loud enough behind me because my mother and the case worker were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen. I was about halfway through the hallway when I heard them speak about the cats. Now this got me curious so I stopped and just listened. Yes, I eavesdropped but it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned me to not go any further. I obeyed it and found out a terrible secret. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me talking about all the kitties that were suddenly disappearing from my home? Well it was my mother. She was responsible for my cats disappearing. She took them one by one or three by three, put them into her car and just dropped them off in the middle of who the fuck knows where. I don't know if anyone here can understand how much this pains me because I have taken these cats into my care from abusive families, from the streets, and even nursed them back to health when they were ran over by some clueless idiot that couldn't figure out the speed limit. I took them in and loved them like they should have been loved and my GOD I cried and searched throuh the streets when I couldn't find them day after day. They are not just pieces of trash to be discarded just because SOMEONE ELSE is tired of seeing them. That house is being paid for by James' check and her fucking brand-new car is being paid for by James and even the full coverage insurance is being paid for by James and all the house neccessities and cat food and medicine---all by James. The one thing we ever asked for was to stay until we could get back on our feet and to allow for me to continue rescuing the cats. By God she had no right. She had none at all and I can't even describe just how much it pains me to say that I absolutely HATE her for hurting me in this way.

Oh but it doesn't stop there. You see I am not going to see anyone for what I have. Especially not when I further heard from that conversation that the whole thing was a set-up to get me locked up in a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of months. Considering that I was the one that took HER out of the mental hospital when my father put her in there so that he could have an entire month to bring home his mistress and introduce that whore to me(*I was 15*) and Omar (*he was five*) -- she had quite the nerve to attempt to put me in there just because she doesn't understand what I have?! Just because she is disgusted with me not being what her stupid bitch of a case worker considers normal?! Fuck them both. Fuck them both to hell and back. I am so torn apart and so hurt I don't know how much longer I can tolerate even being in the same place as her. Oh I have to admit that they were clever. They certainly manipulated me by using my love for my mother against me. I have always thought that love and loyalty was my greatest weakness but to be used in this manner was just...well there's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe now a few of you can understand why I constantly prefer to live in a fantasy world or prefer to just talk about the most basic of topics. Inside, in reality, in the place where I am at I am constantly facing a cycle of pain that never ends. Maybe to my mother I am no different than the poor cats she carelessly threw away. In a way I think perhaps that she has always resented having me as her daughter. No matter that I am the only one in the entire family that has stayed by her side to not only defend, to take care of, but also love her without expecting anything in return. But now the person that I least expected to betray my trust - turns out to be the one that actually does me in without remorse or feeling. I'm only sorry that I failed my kitties. I failed them so much because I didn't realize that the danger wasn't the neighbors or the streets..it was from within. Now I must spend sleepless nights watching out for the few cats that remain in my care because I'm not going to let them be taken away. I can't ever trust her ever again.

Mocha, Kali, Myu I and Myu II, Oofie, Gizmo, Moo, Snowball, Suzuki, Arameis, Tails... please forgive me. I'm so sorry that I couldn't protect you and ultimately broke my promise.

Posted by Lizzette at 01:51 PM |

Holiday Mayhem

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The holiday season is already here. The time of the year where a person like me panics because ultimately I end up depending on James' income to get us through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not a secret that I pretty much live imprisoned in my home because of certain things but I'm trying to change that a bit at a time. The first step was contacting the mental health center which led to a case worker visiting me. The next step is to go to the center to be asked questions then based on what I say - they refer me to a psychiatrist that will hopefully help me out. Ugh, what fun! Oh but hey, I'm learning how to model in 3D which is a major pain in the ass. There is no easy way to learn how to 3D model and if a person doesn't learn the basics of modeling well they are pretty much screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why I never tried to learn before. The programs are hell to learn. At the end of a day you feel like throwing the monitor out the window and bashing your hard-drive with the keyboard in your hands. Aside from making abstract designs for my layouts with Autodesk 3ds Max I never was interested in learning how to actually model an object. Too much trouble and not intersting for this chica. o_O But what changed my mind you wonder? Welps, it's that latest object of my obsession the PC game, the Sims 2. People use to be happy just downloading clothes or skins but noooooooo -- now they want furniture sets, and new hair and clothes styles! Basically I'm learning so that our site can get a bit of traffic and that James can get recognized for his talent with building beautiful homes and buildings. I honestly don't care about the whole thing. I hate having to update and worry about another website but I do it for James. He wanted a website so I obliged because I wanted to help out. Honestly the game is fun and I like to play it but I mainly play to create stories. Sadly, no one wants to read any of my fanfictions unless they have super-graphical pictures to go with them. Stupid people. There use to be a time when words were the only thing that either made or breaks a story but to hell with straight out story-telling because all a person wants is to look at is a heavily-modified photo-manipulated picture that goes along with a few lines of story.

ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Ehhh but what's a person like me to do? Complain and then move on. Check! Okay so like the new layout? It's been a long time since I've done something that is simple yet satisfying. Reminds me of the old days when I was first starting to create my own layouts for my websites. Lol the most I knew about HTML was how to make things 'blink'. Anyhoo see the many different Sims up there? If you can name each girl I'll bow down before your absolute specialness. If not, well then boo hoo for you and no crown. J/K! :P In all honesty I believe that there are only two people that visit this blog that can name them all correctly. One person may know two of the characters vaguely and one other may not know any of them at all. LOL! Shows how much I talk about my Sims and RPG crap hunh? ^_____^

Yesterday as I was making the picture I realized that all along I have been creating, game and roleplaying different aspects to my personality. Each character always represented some twisted side of me. In a strange way they are all just a handful of the different masks that I had to learn to put on to survive in this life. As a consequence of constantly shoving the true aspect of my persona down further and further I had come to lose who I was in reality. It may be early for New Years resolutions but one of my goals is to rediscover myself. Hence the whole 'FM: Finding Me" subtitle of this website. Oho ho ho! I am setting myself up for either big success or crushing failure! Now that's the kind of chances I like to take.

On an entirely different note - the girls on Top Model are all ugly both on the outside and on the inside. (*Brr*) I cannot see how people can be so fake on both sides and live with themselves. >_<

Posted by Lizzette at 05:17 PM |

Relationship just got crappier

Saturday, September 28, 2005

(Big sigh) It's most likely my fault too. I'm not a pleasant person to be around with for long periods of time. I've always been the kind of individual that ends up keeping themselves company. My bestest friend has always been me. Which is sad to be honest.That alone can explain why James and I have never really gotten along. When he comes home from work we spend a few hours talking to one another just fine. We are just dandy. Until the time he has the day off and BOOM! We are at it like cats and dogs. A part of me has always questioned our relationship. He and I never had anyone before we got into our relationship. Then we committed mistake after mistake while being wrapped up in the feeling of first love and happiness...and started to live with each other only two months after our first date. Despite appearances, I really am just a nice lady. Incredibly shy would describe me in a nutshell. Sure a person can't tell because of how much I chat online but this is the Net -- no one sees the real me. Hiding behind the PC screen just gives me that extra boost of confidance that I can never have in real life. So pretty much, while James and I dated. . .he bullied me into a lot of things I never wanted to do. A good example was - sex. Never wanted it and my first time was in the back of his mother's van. No fireworks. No flowers. Not even a hotel room. And even sadder, I was mute through out the whole five minutes of the experience. I was completely dead inside.

Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or even a thought of, "Poor thing!" The one thing I hate above all else is someone pitying me. Don't know why that is but it just makes me feel like a victim (which I hate feeling too, lol). Really, I'm saying this to establish just how naive I was when I got involved with James. Oh hell and since I got your attention I might as well say that he forced me to 'fellatio' him in the most crudest way imaginable. This also establishes that he's always been a closet sexual pervert. One time, we were just hanging out in my car. He wanted to make out heavily with me but I told him that I just wanted to just talk. Know what he told me? It's still fresh in my mind. James said and I quote, "Then why the hell are we here?" Yeah, it was a big surprise to me too. Should have known he was a bit of an arse back then but I didn't see the warning flags. Time came when I didn't see the big RED flag either. James has emotionally cheated on me several, several times. All with the same woman whom was pregnant and married with his friend's baby. But we sorta worked it out. I think that I have partially forgiven him for all those times but honest to God I really can't forget it.

James is really a good guy though. He's a hard worker, he supports me, and tolerates all my illnesses. Plus, he has stayed with me despite my problems both mental and physical. That has got to count for something right? No other man would want to be with someone as pathetic as me. Another good point to him is that he's also good to my mother and has come through financially for her too. When Omar was pretending to be my sibling - James bought him things for school, helped him with job applications, homework, and has always bought him tons of Christmas presents. Not to forget to mention again that he sleeps in the same bed with me despite all my misgivings. I love him. I really do. On my LiveJournal(Robo, remind me to send you a link to it) I typed that I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. Never will that change. He is my one and only. My first everything so he is all the world to me and so much more. But times like now -- when we just have gotten into another argument (my fault too I admit) a part of me wants to wake him up so that I can apologize for my attitude. But another part - another part wants to leave it be. Leave it be in the hope that he will walk away because I often wonder just what my life would be like if I didn't have all of this to deal with. I wonder what it would be like to alone again. Yet a good portion of me is scared to lose him. Truthfully I do not know if this is because I am co-dependent or because I just fear change. Either way I am scared to death of losing him so I am quite a paranoid person when it comes to James.

We fight alot because of these feelings of losing him to another. I warned him about my problems of jealousy and distrust. I told him a billion times over and over that because I am a product of abuse, betrayel, and a child of divorce that TRUST IN HIM would be next to impossible at times. I warned him. I threw up STOP signs every inch of the way but he STILL wanted to accept me. Yet he also can't find the time to be there for me. When I am at my most vunerable I will attack a person in any way possible before they can get a chance to hurt me. When I am backed into a corner I will bite, scratch, and scream my way out of it. James knows this. He knows this and so much more but he refuses to allow me the chance to find help for all of this crap that is really just killing me inside. Because I gave up so much to just be with him he doesn't realize that I literally shut out the hope of ever becoming the person I knew I could have been. I am trapped within my own body screaming for help but the man does not give me the chance to seek help. He does not give me emotional support. The only thing he has ever seen me for is a convinant sex or house-cleaning tool. Now again, please don't get me wrong. I am no angel. Quite frankly I am often told that I am a very evil and sadistic person. This is true. I like to put up the gruff exterior to cover and protect the shy young woman within the walls. I am also not without mistakes. Lord knows I am the cause of most of our problems but come on! All I want is for James to start giving back to our relationship. Why must I be the only one that strives to patch our relationshp together? Why does it have to be me that puts aside everything just to make things right between us? Why can't he just open up to me the way I do for him? Why can't he comfort me and tell me that all the bloody fears in my heart are for nothing?! For Gods sake I don't need someone to financially support me. I need for him to LOVE me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. So why can't the man that I love above all others be the one to return my feelings? Why is it that when I am with him that I am still very much as alone as I ever was. . .

But ultimately our relationship got crappier because of me and my big mouth. I said some things that were offensive...I'm so fucking sad I thought he was having an affair with his male co-worker. I started accusing him and he got disgusted with the whole idea he walked off to the other room, came back sometime later, then went to bed. Okay but before anyone rolls their eyes at me --- let me at least try to explain myself. A lot of times he comes back from work and tells me about these rather flamboyant co-workers that are continually hitting on him. James thinks its disgusting but at the same time flattering because they are giving him compliments. Twice now, from picking him up from work I have discovered him sitting very close to two co-workers (male). What got me to the questions (didn't raise my voice at all might I add)was that today I picked him up and he was sitting next to one of the same co-workers. Now when I mean sitting? I mean sitting right next to the co-worker in the back trunk of the guy's car. Leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Maybe it's just me and my warped sense of perception (because I was raised by my father and church to be intolerant of same sex relations) but guys that are friends really don't ...well... (at least I don't think they don't) sit and touch limbs with eachother so much. Am I just paranoid about this? Probably. Yet everytime - James tells me that he sits there because they had gotten out like 15 minutes earlier than expected. Plus he didn't want to call me to come pick him up because it would just be too much trouble. OKAY so am I suppose to believe this is all a friendly relationship? Am I a terrible person because I suspect that James is starting to play around with another guy even if it is suppose to seem platonic? Someone throw me a line of sense here because maybe I have lost it completely. Yet I can't get past the fact that he is always happier (I mean giddy happy) when he comes home from work after spending those '15' minutes with these guys. How can I not feel jealous or suspicious? I am jealous that he is not ever, EVER, happy with me and that he can smile and laugh so much around another person. _I_ should be the one that makes him this happy in that extra special way. It should be me but obviously it's not so I had to ask him straight out. Sure it's reckless, plain thoughtless, but listen. . . I've been hurt and betrayed so many times by people I thought loved me it's quite natural for me to jump to conclusions. Quite honestly I dont know how else to think or react. Maybe if he would allow me to see a psychiatrist then things would be different but well you know the deal. Can't afford my medication and can't afford to get me help. So what else am I suppose to do while couped up behind the four walls of my prison? Think happy thoughts? I think not. James is even more deluded than I am if he thinks that!

Posted by Lizzette at 03:17 AM |

Saturday, September 28, 2005

Relationship just got crappier

(Big sigh) It's most likely my fault too. I'm not a pleasant person to be around with for long periods of time. I've always been the kind of individual that ends up keeping themselves company. My bestest friend has always been me. Which is sad to be honest.That alone can explain why James and I have never really gotten along. When he comes home from work we spend a few hours talking to one another just fine. We are just dandy. Until the time he has the day off and BOOM! We are at it like cats and dogs. A part of me has always questioned our relationship. He and I never had anyone before we got into our relationship. Then we committed mistake after mistake while being wrapped up in the feeling of first love and happiness...and started to live with each other only two months after our first date. Despite appearances, I really am just a nice lady. Incredibly shy would describe me in a nutshell. Sure a person can't tell because of how much I chat online but this is the Net -- no one sees the real me. Hiding behind the PC screen just gives me that extra boost of confidance that I can never have in real life. So pretty much, while James and I dated. . .he bullied me into a lot of things I never wanted to do. A good example was - sex. Never wanted it and my first time was in the back of his mother's van. No fireworks. No flowers. Not even a hotel room. And even sadder, I was mute through out the whole five minutes of the experience. I was completely dead inside.

Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or even a thought of, "Poor thing!" The one thing I hate above all else is someone pitying me. Don't know why that is but it just makes me feel like a victim (which I hate feeling too, lol). Really, I'm saying this to establish just how naive I was when I got involved with James. Oh hell and since I got your attention I might as well say that he forced me to 'fellatio' him in the most crudest way imaginable. This also establishes that he's always been a closet sexual pervert. One time, we were just hanging out in my car. He wanted to make out heavily with me but I told him that I just wanted to just talk. Know what he told me? It's still fresh in my mind. James said and I quote, "Then why the hell are we here?" Yeah, it was a big surprise to me too. Should have known he was a bit of an arse back then but I didn't see the warning flags. Time came when I didn't see the big RED flag either. James has emotionally cheated on me several, several times. All with the same woman whom was pregnant and married with his friend's baby. But we sorta worked it out. I think that I have partially forgiven him for all those times but honest to God I really can't forget it.

James is really a good guy though. He's a hard worker, he supports me, and tolerates all my illnesses. Plus, he has stayed with me despite my problems both mental and physical. That has got to count for something right? No other man would want to be with someone as pathetic as me. Another good point to him is that he's also good to my mother and has come through financially for her too. When Omar was pretending to be my sibling - James bought him things for school, helped him with job applications, homework, and has always bought him tons of Christmas presents. Not to forget to mention again that he sleeps in the same bed with me despite all my misgivings. I love him. I really do. On my LiveJournal(Robo, remind me to send you a link to it) I typed that I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. Never will that change. He is my one and only. My first everything so he is all the world to me and so much more. But times like now -- when we just have gotten into another argument (my fault too I admit) a part of me wants to wake him up so that I can apologize for my attitude. But another part - another part wants to leave it be. Leave it be in the hope that he will walk away because I often wonder just what my life would be like if I didn't have all of this to deal with. I wonder what it would be like to alone again. Yet a good portion of me is scared to lose him. Truthfully I do not know if this is because I am co-dependent or because I just fear change. Either way I am scared to death of losing him so I am quite a paranoid person when it comes to James.

We fight alot because of these feelings of losing him to another. I warned him about my problems of jealousy and distrust. I told him a billion times over and over that because I am a product of abuse, betrayel, and a child of divorce that TRUST IN HIM would be next to impossible at times. I warned him. I threw up STOP signs every inch of the way but he STILL wanted to accept me. Yet he also can't find the time to be there for me. When I am at my most vunerable I will attack a person in any way possible before they can get a chance to hurt me. When I am backed into a corner I will bite, scratch, and scream my way out of it. James knows this. He knows this and so much more but he refuses to allow me the chance to find help for all of this crap that is really just killing me inside. Because I gave up so much to just be with him he doesn't realize that I literally shut out the hope of ever becoming the person I knew I could have been. I am trapped within my own body screaming for help but the man does not give me the chance to seek help. He does not give me emotional support. The only thing he has ever seen me for is a convinant sex or house-cleaning tool. Now again, please don't get me wrong. I am no angel. Quite frankly I am often told that I am a very evil and sadistic person. This is true. I like to put up the gruff exterior to cover and protect the shy young woman within the walls. I am also not without mistakes. Lord knows I am the cause of most of our problems but come on! All I want is for James to start giving back to our relationship. Why must I be the only one that strives to patch our relationshp together? Why does it have to be me that puts aside everything just to make things right between us? Why can't he just open up to me the way I do for him? Why can't he comfort me and tell me that all the bloody fears in my heart are for nothing?! For Gods sake I don't need someone to financially support me. I need for him to LOVE me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. So why can't the man that I love above all others be the one to return my feelings? Why is it that when I am with him that I am still very much as alone as I ever was. . .

But ultimately our relationship got crappier because of me and my big mouth. I said some things that were offensive...I'm so fucking sad I thought he was having an affair with his male co-worker. I started accusing him and he got disgusted with the whole idea he walked off to the other room, came back sometime later, then went to bed. Okay but before anyone rolls their eyes at me --- let me at least try to explain myself. A lot of times he comes back from work and tells me about these rather flamboyant co-workers that are continually hitting on him. James thinks its disgusting but at the same time flattering because they are giving him compliments. Twice now, from picking him up from work I have discovered him sitting very close to two co-workers (male). What got me to the questions (didn't raise my voice at all might I add)was that today I picked him up and he was sitting next to one of the same co-workers. Now when I mean sitting? I mean sitting right next to the co-worker in the back trunk of the guy's car. Leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Maybe it's just me and my warped sense of perception (because I was raised by my father and church to be intolerant of same sex relations) but guys that are friends really don't ...well... (at least I don't think they don't) sit and touch limbs with eachother so much. Am I just paranoid about this? Probably. Yet everytime - James tells me that he sits there because they had gotten out like 15 minutes earlier than expected. Plus he didn't want to call me to come pick him up because it would just be too much trouble. OKAY so am I suppose to believe this is all a friendly relationship? Am I a terrible person because I suspect that James is starting to play around with another guy even if it is suppose to seem platonic? Someone throw me a line of sense here because maybe I have lost it completely. Yet I can't get past the fact that he is always happier (I mean giddy happy) when he comes home from work after spending those '15' minutes with these guys. How can I not feel jealous or suspicious? I am jealous that he is not ever, EVER, happy with me and that he can smile and laugh so much around another person. _I_ should be the one that makes him this happy in that extra special way. It should be me but obviously it's not so I had to ask him straight out. Sure it's reckless, plain thoughtless, but listen. . . I've been hurt and betrayed so many times by people I thought loved me it's quite natural for me to jump to conclusions. Quite honestly I dont know how else to think or react. Maybe if he would allow me to see a psychiatrist then things would be different but well you know the deal. Can't afford my medication and can't afford to get me help. So what else am I suppose to do while couped up behind the four walls of my prison? Think happy thoughts? I think not. James is even more deluded than I am if he thinks that!

Posted by Lizzette at 03:17 AM | |

Saturday, September 17, 2005

How ya doin'? ^_~

BWAHAHAHA! I am updating within the same month!

Looky at the new layout for Scarlet Skies! Isn't it just purty? My wonderful friend, Steph-chan loves the Zelda series so what better way to honor her kindness by putting up a layout of the hawt Link himself?



Everything this month seems to be going really smoothly. It's been busy too. A contractor did come on the 5th to fix up the house. We have new windows, an insulated attic (no more shivers at night, yay!), new door knobs with locks on the doors, a brand-new showerhead with cool spray settings (the massage setting is heavenly), light switches, flurescent(sp) bulbs, front and backporch lights with timer settings! Lots of new stuffs to help cut down on our electric bills but also to keep us warmer and safer. Plus, a few days ago another person called our home to ask us to drive out to a nearby towne to meet up. We were going to go over the details for a brand-new heater/air conditioner! Lots of paperwork and questions. My mother suggested bringing all of our financial documents with us and it's a good thing too because the guy needed all of that information + copies. ^_^ Also yesterday, a PG&E man came and checked over our fridge to make sure the outlet to the fridge was grounded properly. Thankfully it was which means that we get a new fridge very soon! No more manuel defrosting for James! Super Yay! The only thing we haven't received word yet is on the stove but considering how much we've already gotten or will receive in the future -- welps we are so grateful as it is. Sorry for not being able to show pictures. The batteries for my camera are a bit expensive so I couldn't take any pics to show. T_T But who would want to see pictures of ratty-assed things anyways? LOL!

Posted by Lizzette at 04:41 PM | |

Saturday, September 03, 2005

How ya doin'? ^_~

Hey guys and gals! Hope your weekend is going smoothly. My weekend is just starting but so far so good. My e-mail box was flooded with happiness and smiles. Both Robo and Imouto-chan e-mailed me! YEAH! So that really kicked off the day with a great start. Guess what? I have three new kittens in my household, lol. I'll have to buy some batteries for my digital cam and put it to good use. I love taking pictures of my kitties! Although I do have some bad news regarding my kitties. I lost Tails. I don't know what happened to him. We've looked all over the neighborhood and the surrounding streets but it's been over a week and a half now. He's gone. I can only pray that Tails has been picked up by another warm and loving family. To think anything else...well I would only die of grief. Speaking of grief -- the diaster in New Orleans is really something else. I can't tell you how humbled I became after seeing the television specials regarding Hurricane Katrina. The desperation in their eyes is too much to bear. People lost homes, families, lives...and some have even lost hope. I hear though that to combat the stagnant water that the dam is being fixed and then the water will be pumped out. It's too bad New Orleans is under sea level otherwise the water would have just went away by now. If anyone has a spare moment - please pray for everyone in New Orleans and in the surrounding counties.

Onto a lighter topic! On September 5th something good is going to happen! Contractors hired from our electric company are coming to fix our house up a little and for free! They are going to do some weatherization thingies to the home. Already we have a bunch of fluroescent(sp) lights in our light fixtures and on the 5th they are going to put in new windows and doors! Plus, the best part of all is that we are getting a new stove and fridge! For the past year and a half we haven't a stove. It just stopped working so we cook using a little roaster oven. Our fridge is bad because it doesn't defrost on its own. James has to manually turn off the fridge, then defrost it by chipping away the ice with a chisel and a blow dryer. ^_^; Our windows are cracked and broken from the times that my older brother Raul tried to break into our home when we were away. Our doors look like crumpled paper (literally) I'll take pictures of everything if I can before they come. It'll just be a real blessing to have these things fixed at last! We can't wait for that to happen. ^_^

Opps, better leave here. I got an online class at 3 PM! I'm learning how to create 3D models! Whee! Ooo and because Robo mentioned it -- I'll be sure to update a lot more often. My apologies for not keeping this website up. I'll do my best to update more and hopefully bring in some stuff to give you giggles for a moment or two, lol.

Posted by Lizzette at 02:30 PM |

Sunday, July 26, 2005

Bills! Debt! Under Pressure

Hey everyone! I hope that your weekday is going well. Lots of things have been happening for me both online and offline but I want to talk about what has been happening off the Net. My family has been pretty much over their heads in debt ever since we took on a new car payment for my mother. Not that we regret anything about it but the payment is steep. So much in fact that we are back to living from check to check. At the moment we have 60 dollars to our name for the next two weeks and we still haven't bought any groceries. I also just noticed we're out of kitty litter and toilet paper, ugh. These past few months have been just terrible. You see my mother's 81 Cadillac was taken away because we couldn't afford to get it smogged, and tagged. In the state of California it's mandatory to have all of that jazz plus insurance. Unlike other states there are no programs to help the less fortunate with insurance payments so we pay a hefty price. Then one day my mother was pulled over and the car was taken away. For us, this is terrible. We cannot do anything in town without a car. It's crazy but even though our city is not as big as Los Angeles it is pretty big nonetheless. Everything is spread out and we have lots of things to do through-out the day. The best recourse of action was to take out a car loan so that we could afford to buy a new car. A new car meant not having to bother with monthly repairs or disasters that the old car would constantly bring us. But in order to get the new car we also had to get full insurance and since the only way we could get a loan was to put both my mother and James on the loan...well he has to be insured fully as well. This is a lot of money! A lot of money we really do not have. A few days pass and we are scrambling to put together any extra money we can afford to so that we can put it aside and not have to use so much out of the next paycheck. My mother receives a notice that Omar no longer can receive Welfare and Food stamps. God this is something we didn't need to hear! What this means is that now my mother is 300 dollars short of money for monthly expenses and now she had to budget what little of disibility she has so that she can afford to buy food! Our family likes to pull our money together and spread it out so that we can afford to pay the bills, mortgage, and of course the other expenses like toilet paper, shampoos, you know the usual but necessary stuff. James' paycheck is already thinned out and now my mother's disibility will be just as thin. More debt arrives as just two days ago our washer broke down completely. We've had it for 15 years so it was pretty old but it was devestating. I kid you not when I say that we barely had change for one bus ride (*James tries to take the bus in the mornings to save on gas*)and there was no way we could start going back to the laundry mat to wash our clothes. I decided then that we would not go back to washing our clothes in the bathtub so I signed up for another credit card. Not sure if I told you all but I alone am in at least 15,000 dollars in debt. I'm a very wanted person by the collection agencies. Rest assured none of that money was used frivousely. I used the credit cards to help when we needed the help which was unfortunately very often. Anyways I took out a Lowe's credit card and it must have been a miracle but I secured an account with them! Which meant we could buy a new washer (267 dollars) but it also means more payments. The washer was delivered yesterday.

Omar is thankfully putting in applications for jobs left and right. Finally after so many years of being spoiled rotten and not wanting to understand we can't afford to buy him everything on the shelves at the stores -- Omar wants to help out. He finally understands the financial situation we are in and is doing everything he can to help. He's also getting a few college scholarships next month and wants to give those to us but we all told him that the most important thing for him to do is to follow through with college. Omar says though that if there is any money left from after buying his supplies and books he will most certainly give that to help out and when he gets his first check that be given to help with the car payment. Sometimes he can be a real jerk (*We're still not on speaking terms like before*) but he does care and that's really awesome. We're still family as small as it is but we're pulling together. On my part, well hell, I can't work but I am selling my stuff left and right. I have a great deal of collectors items from the Eighties that are worth a good amount of money on auction. Honestly, I do feel like I am giving away my childhood but I'm an adult right? My family comes first above my own needs. It's how it's always been and even if I'm as useless as a broken nail...I'll still do whats right by them. I couldn't just sit around and not do anything. James, my sweet James, he's working his arse off day and night. He comes home bloody tired because of the new hours he has taken onto his shoulders. Seeing him this way, it breaks my heart. For ever since I can remember I have always wanted the best for my family. I want them to have a comfortable life without all of the hardships because utltimately I believe that not worrying about money will bring them peace and happiness. To be working-class poor is horrible and I am not saying it is the worst situation out there because we have experienced that firsthand and are grateful for the roof over our heads and the little amount of food that we have to eat...it's just that who wouldn't want to have loads of cash on hand? Who wouldn't want to wake up in the morning and just say, 'To hell with work. I can afford to take a nice vacation with my family somewhere' ? Who wouldn't want to be free of debt? I wish for that kind of life every day. When I talk about winning the Lottery I do not kid or joke about it. I sincerely do wish to God that we were rich. I wish for that kind of life every second, minute, hour of the day. There are people that get money just by being related to someone that they never once spoke to and there are people that live the good life that are terrible, evil people. I often wonder why the good people(*and yes I am putting my family in that category*) are not given the chance to put behind the crap and be allowed to enjoy life instead of every day cursing it? But that's just getting philosophical or whatever.

Phew! I have to admit that typing this all down..well it really does feel good to get this all out. Thanks for listening! ^_^

Posted by Lizzette at 01:18 PM | |

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Spooky, Spooky!

I just stumbled across a webpage that lists ghost hauntings in several areas. I looked up where I live in Bakersfield, California. It seems there are several listings of ghost appearances in places I've visited, or schools I've attended! The one that freaked me out the most was the one about Standard Middle School:

//Bakersfield - Standard Middle School - a man has been seen hanging from the top of the auditorium... ghost was caught in one of the 8th grade graduation photos through a window.. //

(*Screams*) EEEK! I've sang at the assemblies in that auditorium for several occasions. Pretty scary to see read this stuff! If you want to be entertained or like me, 'freaked out' than this is the link to the website. Go check to see if you town is listed! Sorry Robo, and Maarten, it seems to be stories for peeps in the States but they're still fun to read. ^_^

Get Spookified!

Posted by Lizzette at 01:42 AM |

Idiots on the Net

The depth of some people's idiocy never ceases to amaze me. First, we have the person who wanted me to take down my signature at a RPG forum because the image I used was 'scary' and/or 'revealing'. My signature consisted of a dollie I had made of one of my RPG characters. I am still very proud of the doll. I put forth a great deal of effort into making it. At first, I was about to cow down before this girl's whims but as I thought more and more about the issue? I decided not to give into her demands. Now, had she asked me in Private Message - "Lady DarkFire, I have an issue with your signature. This is what it is. . ." I would have happily changed my Signature for her in a heartbeat. Except that she attempted to be a smart arse and post about it in the OOC (Out of Character) forum where everyone can read her message to me. It get's better. After a handful of super fantastic friends came to my defense the chickie decided to say that she didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and that all she was saying is that my signature wasn't very Christian-like. OKAY. Let's forego the honesty. Let's pretend that we are in actuality hiding something from their mother and attempting to be a bitch about it. Instead, we'll go with the religious defense. Bull El Crappo. My father raised me to be a strict Christian and my mother raised me to be not only Catholic but also very open-minded about other religions. Just because I have a woman clad in black shiny latex with silver bands and jewels. . . the heck it means I'm being anti-anything! Now this person isn't at all nice. She has been a total prat (*Is that right? Modern lingo eludes me, lol*) to other members. Therefore, I decided to ban her from the forum. What's funny though is that she kept trying to re-join afterwards. Now if only she read the e-mail I had sent her stating that I had banned her from the forum. It could have saved her a great deal of trouble in the long run. Fortunately, she finally got the clue and has stayed away.

Second, I recieve an e-mail from my Steph-chan (*RougeMoon*) about some pond scum that decided to flame her on one of her Fanfics at FF[dot]net. I read her fanfic chapter and saw nothing but an exciting plot coupled with beautiful writing. The guy/girl/dweeb decided to give a review which in actuality was a big flame about her using the word 'hybrid' regarding a character that had mixed blood. This person then flames the heck out of Steph-chan with ignorant comments which in turn completely ruins my mood. Immediately I set to writing my own retort but at the same time staying civil. I'm not the only person (*Fan*) of Steph-chan's so I'm one of many friends/fans that are eager to put the idiot into his place and come to her defense. True to cowardly form, this flamer then comes back and gives a lame-arse attempt at an apology. Un-huh, like we believe he's sorry. (*Rolls eyes*) Loser. He'll always be asinine and benighted to me. The kind of person that is the source of all unpleasantness on the Net. Have you met them yourselves? These people like to spread misery and sorrow wherever they go.

It just amazes me that there are so many people like this in the Net world. Haven't we enough with their presence offline? Nooo, they have to come online and plague us with their Meta-stupid selves. The only thing worse than their logic is their manners.

Thank you so much for commenting:
♥ Kankywompous ♥ Lady Terentia ♥

09/22/04 @ 10.14 AM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery |

Losing My Patience

Little by little I am being worn down. I feel as if I've been spread thin over several things. My own husband is getting tired of me and we haven't even been together for what, nearly seven years? Somehow, someway, when I try and talk about what I want to talk about then it ends up that either I have offended or created trouble for someone. It doesn't matter who it is or who they are; it's always going to be my fault. Boo hoo. Well I am sick and tired of being blamed for shit that isn't even my fault. No, I am not a perfect angel nor have I ever claimed to be one. But I do expect people to take up their own slack and I would hope that it meant they would not attempt to throw their "blaming" baggage onto my shoulders. As if I could be blamed for their stupidities anyways for crying out loud. Good Lord, people. Grow Up.

Will write more later - Imouto-chan, no apologies needed. I cherish your opinions and love to hear about what's going on in your life. Comment a hundred times and I will never ever get angry at you. I promise to write you a response in the comments very soon. ^_^

Thank you so much for commenting:
♥ Kankywompous ♥ Lady Terentia ♥

09/19/04 @ 04.45 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery |

New Layout
It's taken me three days of off and on hardwork but I'm pretty damned pleased with this newest layout. It actually takes me back to the old days when I was hosted at three different websites as a part of a huge popularity Net clique. I'm so glad that's all over now. I already went through all that cheap High school drama and it was once enough for me. I am also updating a few things and adding my fanfiction here. I had a writing site I was working on but I decided to turn it into my artwork page. It's still not even close to finished but you can take a look at what I have so far: Here. Once that's 110% up I'll be so happy because I've never been able to get all of my artwork up at one time and now that small dream is finally coming true. I also updated the Multimedia briefcase with new goodies and you can check those out on the multimedia page. Aside from all of that I'm doing pretty okay. I have another entry I want to put up about a person asking demanding me to take down one of my signatures. I'll blog about that later and now onto the plugs:

Thank you so much for commenting:
¢¾ Merrique ¢¾ Lt. Luger ¢¾ Robo ¢¾ Kankywompous ¢¾ Lady Terentia ¢¾

09/09/04 @ 04.10 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery |

A Graphic Nature

. . . Sexy Kitty is being hosted at a domain! Be sure to check out my website at Scarlet Skies new debut...

I awoke to a strange voice calling out my name whilst rapping upon my bedroom window. Drowsy, my head full of dreams, I decided to grab my robe to see what the noises were about. James couldn't have been home already he had just barely left a couple hours ago, I reasoned. Out the bedroom and into the long hallway I go. Squinting at the streams of sunlight suddenly filtering into my vision I begin to hear the calling noises become more urgent as I approach the living room. It suddenly comes to my attention just whom is trying to gain my attention. Angry as hell I storm back through the hallway. I have only one destination in mind and that is my mother's bedroom. Knocking upon her door as loud as I can I call out that "Mami, it's me. There's someone at-" And then I heard the security door was being forced open. I keep rapping on the door even louder as my mother groggily (she too is angry to be disturbed from sleep) answers that she will be right there. When the second door's (a cherry wood decorative) locks are turning. At this moment I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure enough, bursting the door open, and stepping through into the house as if they owned it is Raul with the Fat Cow following close behind. They are surprised at hearing me curse both Hell and High Heaven for kindly creating such bloody fucking idiots! My mother is of course surprised to hear me cuss in such language but at that moment in time I didn't give a darn as to whom was listening. All that I knew is that Raul and his Fat Cow had forcibly opened not only the security door that James had installed but also had keys to the front door. It was no wonder they left the house so happily. They most likely entered whenever they pleased since the day my mami tossed their giggling masses of useless flesh out the door. Would that a hawk picked them up, drive its beak into their brains, and upon finding these rancid set them loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks below with the frothy pink shame of their ignoble blood. Mayhap they would choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of their own trite, foolish beliefs. ARGH!

Thank you so much for commenting:
¢¾ Robo ¢¾ Kankywompous ¢¾ Lady Terentia ¢¾

08/20/04 @ 05.09 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery | Contact Me |

Everything is Dandy

At long last, the evil brother and his girlfriend are long gone. I'm not sure how long this small reprieve will last but I'm greatful for it. My mother kicked them out of the house. Hurray! Everything is going just dandy now. Life seems just that much easier to tolerate without having to deal with my brother and his girlfriend. ^_^ Not much is going on in my life right now. Some people would think that is a bad thing but I think it's a really good thing to say. How long have I been coming online and blogging about nothing but problems? Too many times to count on both hands that is for sure. It's really nice to be able to sit down and type about nothing but good things. For instance, I received a postcard from Robo! I tell you it's the greatest thing in the world going up to meet the postman and being handed a postcard from a special friend. I hope he get's mine soon! Last Friday, James came back from work and told me to get dressed fancy because we were going out to special night for dinner, a movie, and dancing! It was just out of the blue! I was so excited and happy. We had a major falling out a week from that day so I think it was his way of saying 'I'm sorry'. Either way, it was a night to remember. I actually felt really shy around him (think schoolgirl crush shy, lol) . Yesterday we got a catalog in the mail from Crescent Jeweler's. I thumbed through the catalog as I was sitting on the bed. Another surprise, James sat down next to me and started pointing to different wedding ring sets!! We already have a wedding set but he wanted to get new wedding bands AND he wanted me to pick out a right-hand engagement ring! I have an emerald engagement ring that he gave to me when he proposed to me on his knees. I love that ring so much but I have to admit, I love jewelry so I can't say No to those offers!! I really hope we can go to the jewelers store very soon. There's nothing better than having brand new rings to show-off to everyone. ^__^ But gosh, I am loving the fact that my brother and his girl are finally gone again. It's like that gloom and doom cloud finally decided to move elsewhere along with them. So until next time guys n' gals. Wish James and I tons of luck. We want the good times to keep on rolling!

Thank you so much for commenting:
¢¾ Lt. Luger ¢¾ Lady Terentia ¢¾

08/13/04 @ 03.46 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery | Contact Me |

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars. . .

...this is my newest, most interestingbrand-new pop-gothlayout...

I thought to myself, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?!' Edit:Opps, if you visited my site just recently you might have seen that I had a very angsty blog entry. Reflecting on my thoughts and emotional distraught state of mind I decided to take it down. There was no point in showing everyone a part of me that I wish not to show. It's just a very ugly, very shocking side. Suffice it to say that a bit of drama was caused last night at my mother's household. Something that has definitely gotten me to wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. I am going to do what it takes to get James and myself out of that horrid house. I am going to keep with this because we have no right to be treated as if we were outsiders. Instead, the actual outsiders are treated with the respect and dignity that we deserve. I'm not going to stand for it and I'm definetely not going to get into a situation like the day before. No way, no how. So I hope that you folks don't mind it and I certainly hope that you like my new layout. I think Cristina Aquilera looks better in Goth. Tee hee, so I made Pop-Goth art. ^_^

Thank you so much for commenting:
¢¾ Robo ¢¾ Kankywompous ¢¾ Lady Terentia ¢¾

07/29/04 @ 05.09 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery | Contact Me |

He's Baaack

It's like a total nightmare on Elm Street. My older brother Raul has decided to come and live with us all. My mother of course is happy as a clam about his decision but I am most definitely not. My mami is a woman brought up in the old ways of the Mexican family. Where the #1 thing that matters in all of the world is having the entire family together in one household. Nu-uh! Que rayos are they thinking?! This isn't the Dark Ages anymore! Family smamlie. I want my privacy back! I want to be able to leave my bedroom door un-locked. I want to be able to breathe. Raul is like a suffocating bad cloud that continually hangs over our heads and never goes away. Kinda like the bad air all of California is breathing in at the moment. >_< I don't know exactly why he came back but the one thing I do know is that it involves the Fat Cow (*Check the Cast List if you don't know who they are*). She came over just yesterday around Noon-time and didn't leave until late at night. The whole time? They were just arguing, shouting, yelling, and make escandalos (scandals) all over the place. Of course the neighbors around us had a helluva ball just listening in to their mouthfest. OYYE! I do not need their drama! I definitely do not need that 30 year old loser that calls himself my brother hanging around either. -_-

What gets to me. I mean, REALLY, gets to me is that my mami could care less about the friction between us. She knows that we hate him and vice versa. She definitely knows that James is one step away from whomping on his arse. My husband has the patience of a saint but when someone crosses him. . . No, no, don't even think about crossing him. I have often said that his temper has rivaled mine. When it comes to Raul? My James' temper completely surpasses my genio(temper) and let me tell you that my temper is LEGENDARY. As I was saying before, my mami could care less. She is on cloud nine at the moment because there is only one family member missing to complete the non-picture perfect set. My sister Eliana. Ooooh don't get me going on that woman. Let's just say that it won't be too much longer before dear Eliana gets out of jail and comes to live with us this October. By that time I hope to have left the nest (it's been twice now) and have my own home again. Gawd that would be heavenly. No more Raul and no more Eliana. I can't wait. But until then James and I have to endure this estupido(brainless) older brother of mine!

Anyways I have proof just how much he can turn our worlds upside down. My mami and I keep the household SPIC n' SPAN clean. We can't stand seeing a mess or dirty dishes. It's like we get this disgusted feeling in the back of our throats and in our stomachs. We shudder and shiver at the sight of un-cleanliness. I don't know why. I guess it's just a Raza thing. *^__^* Back to the proof thing though. I took out my less than good digital camera and took snapshots of our living room where Raul has left his stuff. Now this living room is my mami's pride and joy. Take a look at the piccies and see what Raul did in just 24 hours!





Can you see one of the reasons why I detest him? He has absolutely no respect for anyone or anything. By the way? The little kitty that you see modeling the mess that my brother made is my mami's kitten. His name is Cocomo and about 2 months old I believe. Isn't he a cutie? ^_^

Thank you so much for commenting:
♥ Robo ♥ Kankywompous ♥ Lady Terentia ♥

07/14/04 @ 02.32 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery | Contact Me |

Happy 4th!

It's a day early but I wanted to say "Happy Independance Day!" to those whom celebrate. May it be your best ever yet. ^__^ Be safe, and try not to blow up the next door neighbors house with bottle rockets!



Thank you so much for commenting:
♥ Robo ♥ Kankywompous ♥ Lt. Luger ♥ Lady Terentia ♥

07/03/04 @ 01.23 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant Gallery | Contact Me |

Today's Highlight

I am debating President Bush and the liberation of Iraq with fifteen year olds. Perhaps they're a bit younger in age but I am pretty certain that they are not adults. Now I have no taste for political debates. In fact, my husband will tell you that the one thing I do not do in life is debate politics. The only reason why I am registered to vote is to play a little joke upon my husband. He's a registered Republican that loves anything that involves the world of government and politics. I decided(as a joke) last year to register as a Democrat soley to poke fun at him. I really have no interest in how the government runs or who we elect. Why is that now? Well mostly because it's just a subject or interest that I find as boring as toothpaste. So why am I debating with these children? Well for one part it was immense joy and fun. The second part because they are absolutely un-educated about the subject they are 'debating'. Their 'debating arguements' are based on idiocy and biased opinion. Believe me not? Try this statement (quoted exactly as written) on for size:

"The people of IRAQhave lived under tyranny all their lives and have grown to like it! The US will choose and other dictator for iraq and steal all it's oil!"

Can you see what I am up against here? Why I am having so much fun? ^_^; Thus I have taken the side of defending President Bush for entering Iraq and liberating it. What I get are comments like the one above and so many more silly ones that completely ignore the facts at hand. I do so love debating with people that are completely mal-informed. They never cease astounding me with their utter ignorance. So perhaps I am having a bit of a sadistic moment in the forum in which I am participating in as of late. It never hurts to have a little fun just as long as there is no flaming or hurt feelings involved. Hmm I think I need to reiterate the first statement I made. I dislike debating politics but I do so love debating with clueless folk. ^_^

Thank you so much for commenting:
Chad ♥ Lady Terentia ♥ Robo

06/25/04 @ 12.10 AM | StarBright Forum | Deviant | Contact Me |

I'm a millionare!

Okay, so maybe that's not the truth. However it caught your attention didn't it? ^_~ Fun opening line to make way for the drab and dull blog entry. If you're not in the mood for 'bluntness' than please do skip this entry. I'm at that point in life where I'm beginning to question whether or not if it's worth coming onto the Net. There is so much idiocy, so much deception, and so many two-faced folk out there it's not worth my time to press the little Internet button on my keyboard any longer. Why should I continually subject myself to this sort of environment? It's sickening. It really is completely sickening. A dear and very true friend of mine recently pointed out that the Net is suppose to be fun not a chore. He's completely right. In that small little sentence he made me realize that the Net community

Omar is evil! He is EVIL I tell you! Ever notice that live is evil backwards? Have I mentioned Omar is evil? Chad is evil too. I like having sex with MY Lady. I like just cuddling with her too. Sometimes when we cuddle I like to grope her and caress her nether-regions.

O_O Uhm... that above and very 'ahem' part was actually written by my husband as I was away from the computer. O_O

AHEM. ANYWAYS. . . as I was saying. . . (*looks up at the words 'nether-regions'*) Okaaaaaay TMI on that one. LOL! I lost my train of thought even. ^__^; Oyye, men! No no, that wasn't my train of thought. . . oh! As I was saying - he was right. The Net is suppose to be something you do for fun and games. A place to escape to when things are too boring at home or when you just want to chat away with new people. Now if you read the 'Private' entry at my other blog than you know where all of this is coming from. If not, then I can only say that things are not at all what they seem. People I have called 'friend' and perhaps a bit more are suddenly showing their true faces. It's the worst of luck with me. I have this history with people be-friending me and then suddenly rearing up their ugly heads at no moment's notice. Unfortunately it is happening again. So it makes me wonder why I should subject myself to this bit of recycling history all over again? The answer? I have no idea just yet. I just know that there are some people worth checking up on in the cyber world. At least for now until I can get over my fear of phones and call them up for a friendly chat or two.

As for other stuffs? I'm throwing myself back into a lot of things I gave up over the past few months. I actually picked up a pencil and a piece of paper to start drawing again. I dusted off my PS one and put in a PS video game. The other day I actually walked outside and spent a very long time playing with my kitty cats in the grass. I just spent a few bits and pieces of my time doing those little things you forget about when you come online. Sure there are a ton of things to do on the Net but none of that compares to spending a quality day in the sun. Well . . . I did all of that until my stomach began acting up majorly. But I get over those bouts and I'm told that having bad ulcers is a normal thing for us people-folk. Boy oh boy do I ever fervently wish I wasn't normal.

I hope you all have a great day!

Comment Plugs
Lady Terentia ♥ Robo ♥ Saragath ♥

06:23:04 @ 01.05 AM | StarBright Forum | Deviant | Contact Me |

I'm still alive and my layout needs changing doesn't it? ^_^; I hope you all have a great weekend. Take care and know that you all are in my heart. At the moment I have nothing new to blog about(life is so exciting - Haha! Unfortunately, yes that is me being sarcastic.). Instead, how about reading about these more interesting tidbits for today:

Man defeats fingerprint sensors with Gummi Bears - Read
Ten foods you should never eat, and why - Read
How To Win Arguments - Read


Comment Plugs
Lady Terentia ♥ KankyWompous ♥ Lt. Luger ♥ Saragath ♥

06:15:04 @ 01.05 PM | StarBright Forum | Deviant | Contact Me |

Still Alive! // 06:15:04 @ 01.05 PM

I'm still alive and my layout needs changing doesn't it? ^_^; I hope you all have a great weekend. Take care and know that you all are in my heart. At the moment I have nothing new to blog about(life is so exciting - Haha! Unfortunately, yes that is me being sarcastic.). Instead, how about reading about these more interesting tidbits for today:

Man defeats fingerprint sensors with Gummi Bears - Read
Ten foods you should never eat, and why - Read
How To Win Arguments - Read


Comment Plugs
Lady Terentia ♥ KankyWompous ♥ Lt. Luger ♥ Saragath ♥

Birthday // 05:19:04 @ 03.36 PM

My birthday was on May 15th and I had a blast. The morning started out a bit dreary because I had recieved no phone calls or mail cards from my family members. I figured that my family had forgotten or didn't care to remember that it was my birthday. I made a small breakfast and sat down at the kitchen table alone. James finally awoke about mid-afternoon on that fine Saturday. He was all dressed up and said, 'Ready to Go?'. I was still in my 'jammies' and looked at him curiously. I had no idea what he meant. So James hurried me to get dolled up and ready to go out. He first took me to Target where he handed me one of those gift certificate cards. I spent it all on clothes and this really neat Barbie doll that looks like Super Girl. Lol! I know, I know. It was childish but hey, I thought it was cute. Anyways, he then took me to the mall and I got to buy Peach Girl 7 and 8 at Suncoast video! I'm all caught up! And I got some Pocky and a Sailor Moon DVD! Then we zipped over to Arbys where he bought me a fav combo of mine - those deli sanwiches with potato fries. Yummy! I got sick though because of my ulcer and I didn't have any Pepcid so we had to go to the health store and we bought some Malaox for my tummy. I felt a lot better but I was feeling dizzy. Regardless I didn't want to ruin the day so I didn't tell James about the dizzy part. After that we went to the movie theatre and watched the Van Helsing movie. I was thinking three things at the end of the movie - "Castlevania, Lion King, and Sequel". I won't say no more about it in case you peeps haven't seen it yet. If anyone is interested in the soundtrack I just downloaded the whole thing. I can put it up at my briefcase if anyone wants it for their own listening pleasure. *^_^*

Squirrel Trouble // 05:14:04 @ 07.13 AM

The Target store in the East Hills Mall area in B-California has a squirrel. Someone in the back stockroom was opening the back door to let a vendor into the store when all of a sudden the little critter rushed inside. James was just coming back from his lunch break when he saw a small group of his co-workers running around the stockroom with little sticks in their hands. Where they got those sticks I have no idea. To James, it seemed as if his co-workers either lost their minds or were playing a childish game of 'tag'. Shouting out a "What are you doing?!" to his co-workers he gained the response --> "We are chasing a squirrel!" Well this bit of information gained James's attention so he joined the chase. Which meant the entire backroom team was involved up until the moment the other co-workers noticed James had entered the fray and they stopped what they were doing and immediately went back to work. This left James and his 'friend' Will (Pierced Willy - see archives for that sad yet humorous story) to capture the squirrel. After a while of chasing the little animal (this squirrel was the size of a gopher), James and Will had the creature cornered under a pallet of soda. The pallet was stacked 4 feet high with soda so you can imagine how much soda is stacked in that one place. Will got a box while James un-stacked the sodas from the pallet. Luckily the squirrel was still cornered so James was able to grab a little rod thing to gently prod the squirrel into the box. This box had a cover so when the squirrel scrambled inside the box the lid was snapped into place and they had caught the squirrel! So they were both excited and were happy to catch the squirrel. The critter on the other hand was less than happy. He was scittering around the box frantically. Until the squirrel discovered that there were holes he could escape from where the grip handles are held onto the lid. So the Target store has a squirrel running around and no one knows where it is now. Can you imagine a family buying a box of Captain Crunch cereal and discovering the 'prize' inside the box isn't that little toy they thought it would be? Opps, lol! o_O

Kind-Hearted // 05:04:04 @ 05.49 PM

I want to jump under my bed covers and put a pillow over my head. I feel like I was tossed into a large-capacity washing machine on the spin cycle. James isn't feeling much better but his are allergy related. So we're just sitting down in our room feeling as good as a person can possibly get when they're nauseated, disgruntled, miserable, and yuckily sick. >_< Now onto something a bit more serious than my health. There's something I want to say because I want everyone to know just how one act of kindess can really help a person. It's no secret that I have been having some really hard times for a very, very long time. Before it all blew up on me I had attempted to keep it inside and away from everyone who cared about me. It's my way of sparing my friends any worries or concerns about me. I know that I am not the only person who has problems but it just seems to be that way, you know? About a week and a half ago, on a very miserable day (for me), I got the mail and saw a small package for me. I carefully opened the package seeing it was from a very special person named Robo. I smiled, and I will have to admit that I did shed a tear because he had sent me his book, A Leaf by Niggle through snail mail. Robo, I want to thank-you so much for lending me your book. It means so much to me, it really does. I am very grateful for your neverending kindness and you can be sure that I am taking extra special care with your book. I am thoroughly enjoying reading each page of the essay and I haven't even reached the actual story yet! Tolkien's essay on fairies is both enlightening and enjoyable. I laughed hearty chuckles as he explains what a real fairy story should be like and laughed even harder as he defunked several fairy stories I had read from other authors. It's really interesting to see what Tolkien percieves the faires should look and behave like as he is the foremost authority on everything fantasy. A man who helped shaped the very essence of fantasy worlds.I value his opinion and am so honored to be given the chance to read about his point of view. I can't wait to finish the essay and move onto the actual story itself. In such a short time I have come to like his stories very much and Tolkien is easily one of my most favorite authors. I owe you so much, Robo. I know you would chide me for saying that but it's true. You have always been supportive, and kind to me. I want you to know that I am so lucky and extremely thankful to be able to name you as my friend.

New Layout // 05:03:04 @ 02.53 PM

Hey everyone! Sorry about not being around much. I've been really busy with a few things. Mostly, my health has not been good at all. I finally found out what I have (went to emergency hospital) and it's a really bad ulcer and well something else I won't explain. I'm currently on four different types of meds but one of them is an anti-biotic that I need to take for only 5 days so that's good. I'm taking things easy and not letting any stress get to me. Wouldn't you know it? It's stress that gave me the ulcer. >_< Anyways, I'll blog really soon. I just wanted to give you all a heads up on what's keeping me in limbo space. ^_^; P.S. The comments script won't work for a bit. I have a 'code' that is preventing the pop-ups to appear unforuntalely it kills any and all pop-ups including the comments script. Please bare with me while I fix this tiny bug. ^_^

Finding a New Host // 04:15:04 @ 02.01 PM

Argh this is frustrating. Tripod just changed their ad coding. . . again! Now I need to either hunt down another ad killer code, stay here and let the ads pummel and ruin my layout, or find someone to host my personal site. ^_^; Oh boy, I need a domain. I want my own domain. It's always been a big dream of mine ever since I got onto the Net about 4-5 years ago. It just seems that nowadays everyone has their own domain and messageboards while I'm still stuck in freeland with pop-ups, banner ads, and who knows what else. Sure I get what I pay for but considering three different ads are popping up at the same time and every time my site loads up... it's just ridiculous. Plus, who wants to visit a site with pop-ups? Not me. Yeah, see what Tripod is doing to me? They're making me not want to visit my own site. Lol, what a hassle. I got to go out on a host hunt. I feel like such a free loader but what else can I do? Until I get my own domain which I believe won't be for quite some time... Ugh.

Tv Savvy

After 5 long months of looking at a blank screen I have finally been given the most bestest of presents! A TV antennae! LOL! I know. It's sad but I've been without cable every since our internet connection was taken away in August of 2003. Do you recall? It was the time I was out for a couple months and came back on to say that I had been disconnected due to financial problems. So yeah, I'm pretty happy I can at least watch the local channels now. Which means I can finally watch Survivers Superstars! ^_^ Yippee! Even the commericals are new to me. Amazing. I never thought I would be so glad to just be able to see those annoying things! Hmm this is the spot I'm suppose to give a moral lecture on how you should never take things forgranted and yadda yadda. . . Bleh. I don't think so. Stupid cable company. I blame my lack of tellie watching upon you! I'm just so happy to be able to watch TV! Wheee! Oh and the little cutie to the left of this paragraph is one of my newest creations. Her base is from Pinkland which is one of my most favorite dolling sites. I just thought she was cute and needed to be showcased here as well as my dolling site. I haven't updated that site today just yet. ^_^;

Okay so I had a Pap smear done two weeks ago. I needed to get a refill on my Birth Control pills and guess what? I haven't had that bloody thing done in over 5 years so I had to get one done otherwise no B.C pills. Aside from that I also needed to see a Gyn because of those pesky cysts on both sides of my ovaries. So I went and got this stupid ass idiot doctor whom is a male. I'm sorry but his accent was so thick I couldn't understand a single thing he was saying. I told him that I had a very bad experience during a Pap smear before. I was pratically raped by a woman okay? Okay. So anyways he just laughs at me and say "I'll try and be gentle." I thought he was joking but he wasn't. His face was dead serious. I balked. Then the Pap smear begins and he tells me "Bare down as if you're going to the restroom" and I hear "Mumble blah blah mumble". He gets pissed off at me because I didn't bare down immediately like he asked! Then coldly states "I can't do this. You're fighting me. Get a ultra pelvic sound test done." I stare in shock for a second before I just start to move toward him fully intent on unleashing my temper but James steps in front of me. He just takes me into his arms and I'm surprised at him. I want to get at the man and tell him that he's a farkin arsehole. But James just held me. Comforting me and telling me his loves me. I'm so stupid. I started to cry. I just cried and cried... He's the best and despite everything we have gone through I would never change it for anything in the world. I love him so much. So I went and made an appointment for that ultrasound but ended up tossing the appointment. James couldn't get the day off and I had no way to get to that appointment. So I suppose I'll have to make another appointment but I think. . . that can wait? I'm just not looking forward to drinking 48 ounces of water and hold it for over an hour as I lay down on a reclining chair, get my belly gelled with utlra cold jelly, and then be uncomfortably probed by an appartus that has a camera on the end. But I still get sick and I still have those pains. I wonder if the cyst on the left side is gone or if it's still there. I think that unfortunately it is still there and has since grown larger. But I haven't told James that particular bit of information. I don't want him to get frightened and I don't want to go back to another Gyn or radiology lab.

Anyways I hate to blog and run but like I said. . . TV! WHOO!

Lady-sama | 11:46 AM on 02/25/04 |

The Day After

Valentine's Day is over. What did I get? Stuffed plushies, a beautiful Valentine's Day card, and a heart-shaped container full of Dove's Truffles chocolates! Mhmmmmmm James knows how to please me! I love truffle chocolates! ^___^ I took a snapshot of my plushies and other stuff. Everyone here knows that my digital camera just plain sucks (*It's about 5 years old*) but you can get the idea of what I got by looking down below:

See the Picture



Aren't they precious? Soft and velvety fuzzy. The Valentine's Day card is the biggest I have ever seen. It's about 10x14 inches! O_O I'm so happy. The words that he had written inside were very romantic and sweet. It use to be that Valentine's Day was seen as 'just another holiday' but that was when I was single and had no one to love me. Don't get me wrong. I was not above feeling the anti-valentine's day sentiment and being hurt because I had no one to call my own. But I don't think it's just another commercial holiday meant to torment all of the single people out there. At one time I had thought that way but I was bitter and extremely lonely. I had no idea what it was like to recieve gifts from someone who loves you for who you are. No idea at all and not one single bit of wisdom to boot. You see, a person doesn't realize that if you don't have someone with you - it's not because you are ugly, un-special, or the world's largest freak. It's because that special person hasn't found you just yet. That's all it is and there's nothing wrong with venting against Valentine's Day just as long as people understand that being alone - it doesn't last forever. So yes, I was bitter at one time and that was in the past for it's all changed. It's not about the gifts, and it's not about how many truffles you can stuff into your mouth. It's a day where you grab all the happy and loving days in your relationship and combine them into one big collage. Something to remember and to cherish. Something to remind you that hey - every day of the rest of your life is special just like Valentine's Day. Oh and guess what? Life is going to be spent with someone who loves you. Better start really living your life and actually enjoying being together, and loving one another. . . because it's going to last forever.

Lady-sama | 01:41 PM on 02/15/04 |

Shopping Spree!

Yesterday was spent in the most glorious of luxury. I hardly ever get to go on a shopping spree but James decided to take me out and just splurge for the heck of it. Our bills have been caught up for once and my Irish love felt expecially giving on Saturday. Off to the mall or should I say - off to the anime shoppes we go! I live in semi-small city that over the past five years have been caught up in a 'modernization' mood. Our city was too old-fashioned and the mayor wanted to bring more people in our city for some reason (*Money*). The mall was the very first thing that needed a good make-over. I walked into the mall and was surprised to see how it has changed over the course of those five years. Everything just came into picture and I took in all the changes with a small sense of awe. There are bright neon signs, glitzy stores and store displays most likely inspired by L.A.'s mall, and the ceiling is lavishly decorated with ornate carvings. They've torn out the water fountain where people could throw in their money and change to make wishes. It was a sort of wishing well and even had rather large koi fish swimming lazily about. I remember that the steps that led up to the fountain where extremely huge. The sort of marble steps you would imagine in a fairy-tale castle. Except I was only about six or eight years old at the time so of course everything was huge. ^__^ And that was sadly torn down to make room for sitting arrangements. There's also the bright lighting that really lightens up the atmosphere and blinds you with its blinking luminicence. o_O All in all the mall is a really nice place to hang out now. Where once not a single anime or Eastern culture store was in sight - now we have four different stores. The Eastern Connection

store is one of the newest. Omar had mentioned that it was brand-new and had several How-to-draw Manga books and anime toys that weren't at the other anime shoppes. I had to go. LOL! I have this . . . weakness for anime toys and drawing books. Once we arrived to the store I suddenly wished I was the richest woman in the world. Not only was there authentic Chinese dresses, lamps, bamboo fountains, fans, fashionable chopsticks, and furniture galore - there was also weaponry. Not just the ornamental swords with cheap plastic and metal interwoven into the blade but authentic swords and daggers. Forgive me, I lied. I also have a weakness for certain types of weaponry. I am quite happy to say that I can actually use them with a small amount of skill. It comes from pratically growing up in a martial arts store + dojo. My first weapons were 8-inch bladed sais for my 10th birthday. What are sais? The 3-pronged daggers that Elektra from DareDevil and Rapheal from TMNT use. Only mine were the real thing and quite capable of poking an eye out. I didn't get to hold them until Woody (*My father's friend and my sensei*) grilled proper usage into me. My next acquisitions were kunai (*throwing daggers*) and shuriken (*throwing stars*). Raul graciously stole those from me and sold them to get money for his porn magazines. -__- Ah, but my favorite of all is the black wakazashi with matching sheath and straps. It was specially made for me and should I ever become a stealth ninja kitty I have the right weapon to prowl the city tops. =^.^= James is quite happy with his claymore. A Scottish blade with a length of the man (*6 ft*).

Ah but I digress. They had some nice weapons. So what did I buy already? I bought two manga books that are full of poses for reference. A Black Lady keychain. A fusion collection DBZ SSJ4 Gogeta. Five Peach Girl manga and a DB Buruma Briefs complete with guns, and motobike. Two Sailor Moon Super S DVDs (uncut) and off to Toys "R" Us we went. There James bought two Zoids - Iron Kong (*40.00) and Ultrasaurus ($80.00) and I bought a Barbie: Really Rosy (Teresa), two My Little Ponys, and a Yasmine Bratz doll (summer fun). Then it was off to the clothing and shoe stores where I got five new outfits with matching accessories and shoes. *^__^* Overall if we added it up together we spent well over $850.00 but is was worth it all! I had so much fun and we didn't fight or argue even once that day! I wish moments like those could last forever or rather I wish money could last forever but I'm grateful that I was even given the chance to spend that much friviously. So how was your Saturday?

Lady-sama | 11:54 AM on 02/08/04 |

Whale of a Tale

Every now and again I like to read the online news. Mostly it's because I am bored or have a task that I am suppose to accomplish but figure it can wait for a little bit longer. We can call that little number 'procrastination'. Here now I show you something that caught my eye and it deserves to be showcased here at Sexy Kitty. Tis a quaint story about a sperm whale (*Think Moby Dick*) that beached itself. It died and as it was waiting to be transported to have an autopsy done (*People are nosey and like to see what is inside sperm whales.*) The whale started to decompose and gases built up inside intestines and then it EXPLODED as it was being transported!

See the Picture

I touched up the photo a bit so that we could see the guts in all its glory. LOL! Yes, I am a wee bit morbid in some regards. ^__^; James says that theoretically it shouldn't be funny but realistically since no one got hurt - it's hillarious. I thought so too. Hence the "Hurk!" coming from the guy who is trying desperately to hold his lunch. Sometimes it just pays to stay at home dont'cha think?

Lady-sama | 03:15 PM on 01/31/04 |

I'm Still Here

. . . you all can't get rid of me that easily. I'm just kidding. I've been around and have visited my favorite daily sites and blogs. Except that I have been in a sort of "Lurk" mode. Some things are going on that I can't explain here. I don't think I can bring myself to write about it but I will give a small insight. Nne years ago my picture-perfect family was literally torn into shambles. Back then I had a father, a mother, two brothers, and one sister. So from those nine years throw yourself forward into the present about mid-November. Now my family consists of my mother, Omar, and James. During this month something big happened. Something huge. Something that I thought we could get past. Something I figured I could handle on my own but it's been tearing us all apart. My little family has been shamed. Embarassed. Endangered. Yes, that big. I was not kidding. Why? I can't tell you exactly why but. . . let's just say that the Christmas Miracle I had talked about in the beginning of the month? It's all just a dream now.

Enjoy the new layout. It was inspired half by the love I feel for James and the second half by a song by Bif Naked and the song is called: Lucky Ones. I was feeling mushy at the time and felt Sexy Kitty needed a theme layout. The blue rose + rose stem were made in 3DMAX5. The rest was made in Paint Shop Pro 8 which is actually a first. I found out that Adobe PS 7 just didn't have what it took to create what I envisoned in my mind. As soon as my mind starts to unclog itself I'll be about and post at your sites/blogs. I'll eventually get around to finishing up the rest of the site but I'm not in any hurry. WYSIWYG. Take care.

Lady-sama | 05:15 PM on 01/23/04 |

Dinner and a Movie

Picture this. . . briefly if you will. A shy young man shuffling his feet as his gaze is turned downward to the white tile of the floor. An equally shy and timid female about three years younger then the young man is looking down at her feet as well. A moment passes between them. It's not even three minutes to us but to them; it seems like eternity. Suddenly the lights in the store begin to dim around them signaling an end to the long night. Somehow, this gives courage to the shy young man. He chokes down his fear in one gulp and coughs to gain the young girl's attention. She looks up with anxious eyes. The young male smiles and asks her, "Would you like to go out for dinner and a movie?" Slowly, a sweet smile turns the corners of the young girl's lips. She nods her head in acceptance and takes the young man's hand into her own. They are finally together at long last.

Now you can forget that picture. For I shall give you another.

A male in his late twenties is sitting in a small but quaintly decorated room. His attention is pulled soley to the small technological apparatus within his grasp. We turn our gazes to the left corner of the same said room. There our eyes catch another sight. A female in her early twenties is furiously typing away on a machine at one time predicated to be a business venture's worst disaster. Boredom clouds the female's vision. She stops typing and turns in her swivel chair. Ebony eyes rest thoughtfully upon the male. The male senses something is amiss and he puts down the small instrument. Their gazes meet and linger. The female rises from her chair and approaches the male. "Would you like to go out for dinner and a movie?" Dimples appear on the corners of the male's cheeks. He laughs and the sound is as sweet as honey and as brilliant as the morning sun. The male nods his head positively and takes the female's hand into his own. Only our gazes pull downward to their hands. A smile touches our lips as we realize that this is the same couple from before. We had not forgotten the picture. They are still together. . . afterall.

Lady-sama | 05:15 AM on 01/18/04 |

My family is driving me nuts

I have no idea why my two older siblings are doing this to me but their new attitudes are driving me crazy. First Raul decides to be nice and rescue James and I from the dreaded parking lot of Wal-Mart. Then my sister has decided to write me and say that it's time we put aside our catty differences so that we can get on with being real sisters! =o.O= I use to think that I knew them well. I had them all figured out. Only I don't and I have a strange feeling that I never will. After a decade and something years Eliana and Raul both decide to take their snotty personas, fling them to Saturn, and turn back around with alien personalities. Yes, I think the body snatchers have come and finally taken control of Raul and Eliana's bodies. Which is funny. . .because, tee hee, I really don't mind. :P

Lady-sama | 04:52 AM on 01/16/04 |

A Girl with no Name

Sexy Kitty has many personal problems that she thought were put behind her many years ago. Unfortunately, the problems decided to bite her back in the bud a couple weeks ago and has finally begun to take a heavy toll upon her razor thin grip on sanity. She thought she could handle it all on her own but the emotions are far too over-whelming for her own good. To prevent a drama hype attack upon her blog and e-mail boxes. The Sexy Kitty is attempting to focus on other things and trying to come to grips with the mediocre reality of her pathetic life.

Sexy Kitty now breaks out her black bullwhip and snaps it at your feet as she commands:

Visit Imouto-chan's blog because it's new and she's the biggest sweetheart ever.

Cheer up Aeravis she's a bit homesick. T_T

Take a peek at Manda's rose tattoo.

See what Nyx is up to nowadays.

Then come back to the Sexy Kitty site again. She's extremely depressed and needs lots of kitty love.

Lady-sama | 01:55 AM on 01/10/04 |

Happy New Year! Be Safe!

I'm sending you all a big new year hug, I want everyone to know that I appreciate you, and I'll be thinking about you and wishing you a happy new year when the clock strikes midnight. Thank you for always being there for me, and for sharing with me. A new year is about to arrive, and we don't know what the days ahead will bring, but I can promise you at least one thing, I'll be here for you all through the coming year, and I'll always strive to lend you some happiness and cheer. So remember when fireworks light up the sky and midnight heralds the old year's end, that someone out there is thinking about you, and will always want to be a true friend. ^__^

Lady-sama | 05:10 PM on 1/02/04 |