I don't know what it is about me but I think these onlike freaks must see some kind of flag on my head that says, "Stalk
and harass free-4-all!" Which is really strange because outside of this site, my Sims, Jem sites, and Wasted Times; there
isn't a person I like to speak too. In fact, I don't speak to anyone outside of these circles. Of course there is my Senshi
and Dragons RPG but the people there I've known as members for several years now. The way these people latch onto me and
decide that if I am not their fantasy lover or friend then suddenly I am their enemy. Two people, that actually might be the
same person I don't quite know yet--have been actively seeking me out. Today, well -- yesterday -- they came onto my Sims
forum with threats. Open, wide-open threats with no regard whatsoever. From the memberlist I can tell that they have been
lurking on my Sims forum for quite some time. I don't know where else they may be but most likely are even reading this
journal of mine. Online stalkers are frightening to me. They have no respect and absolutely do not listen to anything except
for the mad fantasies they have created in their heads. Situations like these are what keep me from enjoying the Net. At
times like these I rememeber the two other stalkers that tried to make my life miserable online by actively harassing and
threatening me to the point of tears. I don't want to go through that again but they are putting me through the same rollar
coaster ride of scary ups and downs.
All I want is to be left alone but they won't listen to my pleads. I'm really glad that my Haloscan comments aren't working.
Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of message they would be leaving here. Maybe its my fault though...I mean I do put my
website address up in public view. I just thought that by doing so people that visit would understand that their life is so
much better and through that knowledge--actually live a good life. But that's neither here or there. I'll admit it. I'm
scared again and don't know what to do, if anything...
Caramello passed away
...in a terrible manner but I wont give details just say that the weather here dropped to abnormal cold and it accelerated
his Feline Aids. When kitties have that damnable, incurable disease pretty much anything can kill them. He was the cutest
cat, not even a full year old. Caramello's coat reminded me of orange ice cream and he always greeted me at the door or when
ever I went outside. He had the quietest mew which made a person just melt all over him. Caramello was exceptionally loving
to me. He would always be happy to see me no matter the time of day or the weather. What really kills me is that I was
waiting for James' tax return to come so that I could get him fixed to bring him inside the house so that he would be a house
kitty all this year. But I received the check the same day he passed away. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Part of me wants to
curl up into a little ball and just plummet into the black hole that threatens to swallow me whole...but James won't let me.
He consoled, comforted, and overall just acted like a perfect gentleman this entire day. I am lucky to have him at my side.
You would think that after all the deaths of my cats that it would get easier with each time they pass away but it doesn't.
The pain is still as raw as it was the first time. My sorrow is no less sad nor is the emptiness not as painful. All of it
just somehow stays fresh with me. I don't think there will ever be a day when the sadness and emptiness goes away but I do
know that it's not okay to let it all overwhelm me as it had many times before. James tells me it's okay to cry and honestly
that is something I despise doing...but then...it is okay. I can't explain it. Crying helps a little. Caramello was a darling
kitty and he will always continue to be in my heart. Even though it pains me that I will never be able to hold him nor pet
nor love or play...or see my little orange ball again...I know that he is in a better place. He's in kitty heaven where the
trees grow healthy fish, the fields brim with catnip and butterflies, and the rivers flow with rich milk. A place where there
is no violence, no fears, no illnesses...no pain. If he was meant to leave then I'm glad that he is with his brothers and
sisters and ultimately the Legacy father and mother he will now get a chance to meet. Just knowing that much, knowing that he
won't be alone or ill -- for me -- I can rest a little bit more.
Caramello, mi lindo gordito...one day we will meet again so don't you forget about me. I sure as heck won't...
Posted by Lizzette at 02:19 AM |
I'm being harassed again...
Febuary 28st 2006
I don't know what it is about me but I think these onlike freaks must see some kind of flag on my head that says, "Stalk
and harass free-4-all!" Which is really strange because outside of this site, my Sims, Jem sites, and Wasted Times; there
isn't a person I like to speak too. In fact, I don't speak to anyone outside of these circles. Of course there is my Senshi
and Dragons RPG but the people there I've known as members for several years now. The way these people latch onto me and
decide that if I am not their fantasy lover or friend then suddenly I am their enemy. Two people, that actually might be the
same person I don't quite know yet--have been actively seeking me out. Today, well -- yesterday -- they came onto my Sims
forum with threats. Open, wide-open threats with no regard whatsoever. From the memberlist I can tell that they have been
lurking on my Sims forum for quite some time. I don't know where else they may be but most likely are even reading this
journal of mine. Online stalkers are frightening to me. They have no respect and absolutely do not listen to anything except
for the mad fantasies they have created in their heads. Situations like these are what keep me from enjoying the Net. At
times like these I rememeber the two other stalkers that tried to make my life miserable online by actively harassing and
threatening me to the point of tears. I don't want to go through that again but they are putting me through the same rollar
coaster ride of scary ups and downs.
All I want is to be left alone but they won't listen to my pleads. I'm really glad that my Haloscan comments aren't working.
Otherwise I shudder to think what kind of message they would be leaving here. Maybe its my fault though...I mean I do put my
website address up in public view. I just thought that by doing so people that visit would understand that their life is so
much better and through that knowledge--actually live a good life. But that's neither here or there. I'll admit it. I'm
scared again and don't know what to do, if anything...
Posted by Lizzette at 02:54 AM
Caramello passed away
Febuary 21st 2006
...in a terrible manner but I wont give details just say that the weather here dropped to abnormal cold and it accelerated
his Feline Aids. When kitties have that damnable, incurable disease pretty much anything can kill them. He was the cutest
cat, not even a full year old. Caramello's coat reminded me of orange ice cream and he always greeted me at the door or when
ever I went outside. He had the quietest mew which made a person just melt all over him. Caramello was exceptionally loving
to me. He would always be happy to see me no matter the time of day or the weather. What really kills me is that I was
waiting for James' tax return to come so that I could get him fixed to bring him inside the house so that he would be a house
kitty all this year. But I received the check the same day he passed away. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Part of me wants to
curl up into a little ball and just plummet into the black hole that threatens to swallow me whole...but James won't let me.
He consoled, comforted, and overall just acted like a perfect gentleman this entire day. I am lucky to have him at my side.
You would think that after all the deaths of my cats that it would get easier with each time they pass away but it doesn't.
The pain is still as raw as it was the first time. My sorrow is no less sad nor is the emptiness not as painful. All of it
just somehow stays fresh with me. I don't think there will ever be a day when the sadness and emptiness goes away but I do
know that it's not okay to let it all overwhelm me as it had many times before. James tells me it's okay to cry and honestly
that is something I despise doing...but then...it is okay. I can't explain it. Crying helps a little. Caramello was a darling
kitty and he will always continue to be in my heart. Even though it pains me that I will never be able to hold him nor pet
nor love or play...or see my little orange ball again...I know that he is in a better place. He's in kitty heaven where the
trees grow healthy fish, the fields brim with catnip and butterflies, and the rivers flow with rich milk. A place where there
is no violence, no fears, no illnesses...no pain. If he was meant to leave then I'm glad that he is with his brothers and
sisters and ultimately the Legacy father and mother he will now get a chance to meet. Just knowing that much, knowing that he
won't be alone or ill -- for me -- I can rest a little bit more.
Caramello, mi lindo gordito...one day we will meet again so don't you forget about me. I sure as heck won't...
Posted by Lizzette at 02:19 AM
The Day after
Febuary 15th 2006
...Valentine's Day. Apparently the rituals for V-Day were a tad...unique. One of them in particular was the festival
dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture. Members of a Roman order of priests would then sacrifice a goat for
fertility, sliced the goat's hide into strips, dipped them in the blood and went about slapping both women and fields of
crops with the goathide strips. How very romantic.
Which brings me to my intial point. My V-Day was just another day as usual. No cards, no flowery words of poetry, not even a
smile. Instead it was full of arguments, tension, and frustration. Oh sure, I sent out e-cards with the best of intentions to
friends and even snapped a few shots from my Sims 2 game for my LJ with words of hope and fluttery feelings. But I was also
looking forward to spending the day with James. Except that he had to work extra hours and when he tried to call home to tell
us that he wasn't getting out late -- Omar was on the phone. In fact, for several hours Omar was on the phone. You see, my 19
year old brother has met an online chit whom he has fallen in love with completely. The poor idiot. He doesn't realize that
the person he is chatting with via webcam, email, and messenger is probably a slut straight from the streets. Hell, she could
be a deranged killer for all that we know about her. But anyways, he's taken to calling and her calling him at all hours of
the day for several hours. So when I went to pick up James from work he was waiting outside with a scowl. He told me that he
didn't get out until late night but couldn't tell me to not make a wasted trip because Omar was on the phone for the 3 hours
he was calling home.
Then James preceeded to tell me that he would rip the phone out of Omar's room and other such wonderful things(because he was
angry) and I had to sit there and take his anger because as usual I'm the convienant punching bag for everything that happens
in the house. On one hand he is right to be angry. Omar is using the phone and hording it way too excessively and on the
other hand...well I am tired of it all. The fighting, the bickering, the insults -- it's just too much to handle. Either I'm
getting much older or really am just exhausted both mentally and physically. I really wish that everyone would go to the
person they have a problem with and just dish it out with them instead of making me the 'middle' woman. Anyways, pretty much
my lovey-dovey mood was squashed and the day wasn't even over yet. When I told my mother about Omar, James, and the phone I
got to endure her arguments, anger, and frustration. Pretty much the situation is like this, Omar hates James. James hates
Omar. Mother hates James for hating Omar, James is angry at Mother for not being firmer with Omar, and me? Well what does it
matter about me.
The only thing I want is to stop living in the same hell hole. I want to be able to breathe and live my own life. Yadda blah
yadda...same ol'same old thing. So no, I didn't have a good V-day but if you did, then be grateful. I absolutely hate it when
people take all things forgranted.
Posted by Lizzette at 04:17 AM
One step back, one step forward
Febuary 12th 2006
The sum of my life in a curt title. Imagine that!
James and I are thinking about going back to college. We signed up and everything. Unfortunately for me I have to go through
a major hassle of signing out a stack of different forms because I was placed on some kind of ban. Oh well that's what I get
for being saddled with ilnesses. Anyways, he wants us to take the same classes. I wonder why? The thought of us being in
class together somehow frightens me. Our majors would be altogether different as well. He wants to be a teacher and I want to
continue studying 3D modeling/graphic design. Either way, we're settling in on starting the semester for the summer. I wonder
if my illnesses will stay at bay otherwise I may have to simply drop out again.
Speaking of modeling --- at the moment I am modeling the set that you see in the picture below:
I have everything done except for the accessories that are on the counter and table. Pretty neat stuff but then again it's in
modern style. Which means it's also very simple. Ahh well at least I'm doing something right? Riiiiight...
Posted by Lizzette at 11:50 AM
Back Entry: A Living Doll
January 29th 2006
This was originally written in Notepad on the above date but decided it might be too 'dark' for some to upload. At this point
however I really don't care how it comes across.
Today alike many of my days I find myself wondering why I even exist. My life is wasted. I am so far beyond hope that I
wonder what it would be like to disappear. Not 'take my life away' disappear but rather just walk right out my front door and
never turn back. Keep walking and walking until I can no longer walk. Where would I be and how far could I get? I doubt very
far. My body alike my state is very weak. So even thinking about disappearing is just a ridiculous farce. Why even bother
with the whole thing... my thoughts aren't composed at the moment. Neither am I. All I can do is whine and complain but never
do anything about it. What happened to the person that I use to be? Or rather do I even want to go back to what I use to be?
Nothing much has changed except that I am no longer beaten by my father and no longer a virgen. How quaint. How stupid. I am
still as alone as I ever was. People that claim to be my friends are simply acquaintances that need someone to latch onto to
make them feel better about themselves. My blogs are nothing but jokes or a reminder of how pathetic another person's life is
compared to their own. So this gives strength and assurance that hey, maybe my life is bad but at least I don't suck as bad
as she does. For once I wish I was on that side because I hate always being the buttend of someones joke. I hate being the
caged animal that people will pay money to point at and gawk at while tossing scraps of food at their feet. I wasn't borne
just to be a laughing stock was I? I wasn't given life just to be this sad? How many times am I going to have to go through
this revolving circle of self-imposed misery and sadness? For how much longer will I have to endure what I have become? And
the people that love me....do they even love me? Or is it more like I also am a convienant thing for them to mock? To use and
abuse as they wish? Ignore me when I am useless and then come back with pity when they see that I am hurting... And I am
hurting there is no doubt about it. I am hurting so much inside but there is nothing that can be done about it.
If I even bleet a word about any of this outside of this blog then I am seen by others as a drama queen. But in my heart I
know that I am not. I am not asking for attention and I hate being given pity. Understanding is all that I would like. Being
told that at least you have two limbs and two legs and two eyes that work is a blessing. Yes I suppose it is but is it that
bad to want more then just the basics? How wrong am I to want something more than what I have? Then if I want more then why
most I continually only yearn for it and not do something about it? Those answers those kinds of questions I don't know how
to explain away or even defend against. I just know that I did not choose this life. I did not want to live this way at all
but here I am living it and not making the best of it because God only knows that there's no way a person can make the best
of the kind of situation I am in..at least not a person as incapable as I am. I can pretend that I am more than what I am but
when it comes right down to it... I am no one. And I made myself that way. I let myself drag down into this state and for
what? What did I do to deserve this and what is the end treasure of it all? Maybe there isn't anything. I had thought that by
telling my Guero the truth that it would set me free. But it hasn't it has only made me realize just how low I have stooped.
Where is my happy ending? My happily ever after? Why must I continue on and on with this charade of a life? Because its
selfish and the cowards way to immediately end it? Therefore I must resign myself to living like a living doll watching the
world through empty eyes, displaying no emotion and allowing just anyone to control my every movement because I cannot on my
own? Surely then if that is the case that I am living in man-made hell. This is my punishment for not being exceptional. This
is my swift justice for being a basic cookie cutout.
This is me then at last. I am Purgatory.
Posted by Lizzette at 4:18 AM |
Contemplations
January 18th 2006
I've been online for quite a while. The earliest blog entry I have on file is from June 13th, 2002. Honestly though I
think I have a few entries that were on Geocities that were lost prior to that so I'm not exactly sure when I came online. I
do know however that it has been quite a trip. I've met quite a lot of people from all walks of life. Personalities that I
would never have had the chance to meet in real life. It's no secret I spend 98.9% of my life within my bedroom. During these
years online I have made both friends and enemies. I've met duplicitious beings and encountered beautiful people. Surfing the
Net month by month I uncovered folds and layers that some would never find and some that are rather blatantly out in the
open. Shocking, perverted, funny, endearing, heart-wrenching, provocative, angsty--the list of sites can go on and on. And
yet I feel that I have barely scratched the surface. However I have also realized that the Net is as unlimitless as the
imagination. A place with no bounds or borders. One may never find the end no matter how long they journey the virtual roads.
During my own journey I have created several sites, clubs, forums, and message lists. Joined hundreds more and even have a
huge list of blogs, journals, and the like. I have to admit though that I could never keep them all up. My online IDs are
just as vast and varied but lately I have begun to stick to a favored set of five. No matter what nickname I choose however I
remain the same. I also have gathered quite a number of e-mail accounts as well. The good the fat lot of them do me however
for the one consistant factor of my net activity is that I tend to forget to check them. ^_^;
Now the flame of passion with the net has begun to dwindle. For some it takes as little as a month and for others it takes a
month or longer. Four years later I now find myself often looking out my window and wondering how much longer the world will
continue to pass me by without so much of a glance back. I think to myself, that I should take life by its reins and begin to
actually live it. But that is all that I can do; my strength of will alike my body is weak. Therefore even despite my desire
to seek something different and regardless of the dimming light of the net -- I must still hang on to it. Each day I grow
older and each hour I become even sadder. Very little brings a smile to my lips and very rarely do I find myself wanting to
continue the mundane pattern of existance I have built with my own two hands. But I keep on and keep busy regardless of the
fact that I can never finish what I have started. The net is and has always been my lifeline. Even if I find it boring or
tedious there is no denying that it also keeps me quite literally sane.
I wonder though just how much longer I can endure this seemingly never-ending pattern. I contemplate now as I type this entry
in the dark hours when the world peacefully sleeps--just what would happen should I simply stop; and log-off. . .
Posted by Lizzette at 3:41 AM
It has begun!
December 28th 2005
My apologies for the very last part of the last entry. My only excuse is that I was insane at the time. At any rate I've
put everything into perspective and what I said I was going to do was completely out of line. . .feasible and possible. . but
out of line. My apologies. I just tend to lose my head every once in a while.
Moving on -- I finally fixed the deal with my sister. Eliana is no longer going to be able to continue filling out little
postal cards telling the post office that my family lives where her new home is located. The past six months she has been
receiving 95% of our mail. I thank my lucky stars that the mail that counted was not filtered to her address. What happens
now is that if she does another false address change then the postal office will prosecute her for mail fraud considering it
is a felony. I asked for them to not notify my mother or I about it. We just are very tired of her antics. My older brother
Raul has finally gotten his own apartment with the fat cow. It seems that he is attempting to settle down but is somewhat
failing miserably. The other day a girl named Connie knocked on our door around eleven thirty--I promptly told her that he
does not live here, it's rude to come knocking so late, and slammed the door shut. Now all that is left to take care of is my
father. He has apparently for the last twelve years been using my mother's social security number for his undocumented
girlfriend(Slut). She's been feasting off my mother's good credit and using it to claim taxes. My father has been draining
our home's escrow which in turn raised up our monthly payment triple the amount it was suppose to be. We are in the process
of gathering a great deal of information together (payment stubs, copies of tax information letters) in order for the IRS to
nail his slimeball self to the ground. He and his undocumented slut is going to pay and big-time. According to the attorney
had my father and his naka of a slut not drained the escrow from the house then our home would have been paid for in full
three years ago. The nerve. The absolute audacity truly grates on my nerves. How much we have all struggled to pay for the
house payments? How long have we gone without just to make sure that we had a roof over our heads only to find out that it
was all for nothing because we could have been out of debt years before?! I can't even explain how this makes me feel much
less how James and my mother feel at the moment. I just can't wait until the day he gets back everything that he has
done to us and twofold. I want to witness the day the authorities ship away his conniving slut back to Cuba. I want to see
with my own eyes the moment handcuffs are slapped onto his wrists. Because that'll be the day my family will be free from him
and that'll be the day I can finally tell him straight to his face that he has no power over us. Not that day, not the day
after, never again. And maybe I'll finally be able to sleep peacefully at night because my true life nightmare will have
blessedly disappeared.
Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM
You Got NetDrama
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The strange thing is that I didn't cause the netdrama this time. o_O
First it started with the Limneos forum. It's a warez forum that I have been a member for over two years. Twice I had been asked to be an Admin but was quite happy being a moderator. My title was sweet, 'Forum Queen' I love that title to pieces. However things went sour when the owner of the Limneos site, Elias apparently wanted to use the forum for profit. In the warez world this is a huge no-no. You see, alike a code of honor among thieves there is a similiar code amongst warez peeps which is, "Do not make a profit". I found this noble and began learning nearly everything there was about warez and sharing warez. My own status of constantly never being able to afford luxuries such as cable tv, a kitchen stove, girlie products, manga/anime, or computer software has prompted me to learn how to acquire them and then share these finds back. Essentially this is the cycle of a warez sharer; find and share. However, Elias wanted to make a profit out of everything for his own gain. It would be one thing to ask for donations for a charity but to merely promote his buisness? This is not in good spirit. Therefore two very awesome guys set up a second forum called, Wasted Times. All of the crew that was at Limneos headed for the new forum and began filling it up with new content while at the same time bringing in new members.There was suppose to be an agreement met between the Admin but I guess it didn't happen. The Limneos forum was shut down. Unfortunately the unexpected happened and Wasted Times server and domain contract was close to expiring. Despite the noble efforts of a wonderful person (*not me, lol*) it almost seemed that we were going to lose the forum! Thankfully, he(*the wonderful person*) was able to purchase a domain with server space but it all came out of his own pocket. I am hoping that he will ask for donations to help foot the bill because it's not fair that he puts this much into the forum by himself. But all in all this had a happy ending if not a bit screwed in some areas.
Second drama occured in a Jem and the Holograms Y! Group I subscribe too. Over four years I have been banned from that thing because I have a slight uhm ---thing--- with the main writer of the show; Christy Marx. How can I explain it? Well there's this little fan clique that worships (*Yes, you heard me right*) the writer. They will fawn, swoon, coo, drool, and have called her a 'god' on that message list. I respect their flitty little delusions but hell if I will allow myself to be bullied simply because I do not follow their 'religion'. Once upon a long time ago I created a website called, JeMp3s. This site was the first of its kind amongst the Jem websites because all they had were information sites. I introduced three new concepts into the community. (A)Trendy layouts (B)Jem Multimedia and (C)Photo-manips of Jem characters. This seems to be a revolving theme at the moment but this clique felt threatened by me. I don't know why because I always shared, I always communicated, and I always taught what I knew to everyone that asked and even put up tutorials on how to do what I created. But I was flamed, banned, ridiculed, etc etc but the clencher came when I was accused of stealing the name, 'JeMp3s'. One of the fan clique(*cult*) members made a new site with the same name a few months after mine. At the time I conceded(sp) because I didn't want the hassle so I converted my site's name to what it is now; BubbleGumGlam. So that brings me to the netdrama at the list. There was a girl that happened to speak out against Christy Marx by calling her out and telling her how disgustingly arrogant she appeared. The writer has a thing about bitching on anyone that doesn't share her views and hating any mention of fanfiction. The girl that spoke out was then pounced upon faster than rabid piranha on a live wounded body. I wanted to defend the girl but the list admin have me on 'perma-moderation', lol. Whatever I type to the list is always monitored by the list admin so it wouldn't have mattered. Most likely it would have been deleted like the other times. Instead I just e-mail the girl and let her know that she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, I think the girl was banned so this netdrama had a bad ending.
Third drama regards two people I once had thought were my friends. Remember Josh and Angyl(*her name is Kristine - how scary is that, Imouto-chan?* O_O) well it's for certain now that they do not want to do anything with anyone that isn't in their crappy roleplaying game. I'm serious that the game is crappy because it's not well thought out and I'm sure Robo remembers how sad, strict, and stagnant the gameplay was alike. But anyways I was unsubscribed from their Y! Group then e-mailed a personal message that they were cleaning out the list and blah blah blaaaaah. I'm blocked from their friends list on messenger too. All of this cold treatment to the person they fondly called, 'my sister' or 'reincarnation of my daughter'. Gagh. X_X Anyhoo now I finally understand why their dolling forum, Towne Square went down. It wasn't because of the scandals and the betrayels of other people but rather that Josh and Angyl drove everyone away with their whines, lying tongues, and
backstabbing nature. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize who they were in reality because I invested way too much of my time and emotional energy with them. This netdrama has a happy ending. I'm finally rid of the wicked witch and her croonie.
Fourth drama involves the Sims 2. On the official game site people that own the Sims 2 game are allowed to upload custom creations in the four basic forms of buildings, clothing, movies, and stories. I have done three out of the four and James has a knack at building lots so he uploaded tons to the site. Well, about April 8th he created the ultimate expression of architectural beauty. I kid you not this cathedral named, "St. Ariella'(lol) was number one out of 37, 869 other creations.
Basically he was #1 of the entire site. I was extremely proud of him so I took a print screen shot of his truimph for token sake. Little did I know how much it would come in handy later. What took a week for him to achieve in ranking was taken away in a mere hour. The St. Ariella Cathedral was a 4.67 rating and was dropped to a 2.0 This is what is known as 'rate hating'. It takes a considerable amount of people to do this type of thing. We figured out who had done it -- SterlingDT. Now I'm
going to show you the print screen shot. The first on top is James(*he uploaded under my account until I registered a second for him*) the second is a croonie of SterlingDT, and the third is SterlingDT herself. I would show the image itself but its rather huge being a print screen shot that hasn't been cropped or optimized.
Click to see picture
Guess who was number one before James? She was and that insighted the first bout of jealous rage against us. Disgusted, we took our material elsewhere to a pay site called, The Sims Resource. This is where the adult players mill about while the official site is a beacon to tweens. There James has climbed the ranks and has become the top architect. Now I use my official site account to post my Sim stories. I have achieved a 5 star rating on them all and by no easy means either. Things were comfortable until James joined a forum that was led by SterlingDt. At this forum of hers she has a cult-like following as well whom we like to refer to as 'sheep'. Inside he discovered a nasty truth. The forum basically gets together and rate hates any building or custom content creation that achieves a higher rating then their creations. James called them out on it and entirely in a civil manner but was banned. Then his account was frozen. An account can only be frozen and hidden from view by a Sim master(aka a moderator) which means that his little webpage was reported. What this means is that several people report a 'MySim Page'(mini webpage) for inappropriate content, bad language, or stolen content. James has neither of that but until the poeple that are above the Sim masters determine this--his page is hidden and frozen completely. I discover a short while later that on SterlingDT's blog on her MySim page that she is the one that did it. Apparently she gathered her forum sheep to all mass report James' page for all the wrong reasons which are all false. They also hit his creations to nothing...and then they turned on me.
My stories were hit considerably and then MySim page was also reported and frozen. All of this because they felt threatened. The third chapter of Saijin Moon had hit the top ten list and this enraged the sheep of SterlingDT because they had their stories in the top ten. Me moving up = them moving down. So James and I are done with the Exchange for now. Our accounts are useless until the site moderators remove our ban which I can assure you will not happen for a very long time. The EA site is a complex site wrought with stupidity, moronic behavior, and an affliction to asslick for popularity reasons. James and I want no part of it so I am moving our tutorials to our Sims 2 website and to Live Journal. It'll be hard though because my only archive of the stories is up at the Sims 2 site. Luckily I am not a woman without means. As childish as it sounds and feels for me; I have begun plans for vengeance. I know, I know. I'm only reducing myself to their level but as I once told a former stalker that was bothering two special friends of mine-- hurt me and I will shrug indifferently, hurt someone I love or care about -- and I will strike down upon you with utter vengeance. My self-esteem, my self-worth is nothing. I feel nor care nothing about myself but I do so love James and I despise _anyone_ and I will _hate_ anyone that dares to hurt him in any shape or form. Fortunately for her, I will not take down her forum because she did not come to disturb our forum. However because she has taken action to get our MySim pages frozen then I will take down both her MySimPage and her forum's MySimpage in retribution. I will also send her a personal e-mail and depending on her response...well I am honestly hoping that she will be mature and simply apologize. I ask for nothing more. So this netdrama still hasn't an ending but maybe it'll be a good one. We'll just have to wait and see.
On a lighter note: Christmas is nearly here! Gimme Net presents!! ^_____^
Posted by Lizzette at 02:34 PM |
...
Friday, December 03, 2005
I grubbed about the floor like a caterpillar in dirt.
Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM |
My Thanksgiving SUCKED...
Friday, November 29, 2005
. . . but at least we were fortunate enough to have one. I know there are a great deal of people that suffer through life with scarce anything to eat nor a roof over their heads. In a way I wish our food could have gone to them because my family certainly doesn't deserve a Thanksgiving. I know that I above all others do not deserve anything either. The day started out with a realization that the turkey we had defrosted over the night was very frostbitten. When I put it into the brine for a
six hour soak and final defrost another odd thing I noticed was that the opening where a person takes out the little 'giblets, lungs, heart, and liver' bad was not even there. It was completely closed so I had to uhm...rip all that out by forcing a hole where the neck and parts bag should have been. That aside, we also have no stove. I mean we have one but it doesn't work. But we do have a little roaster oven so we used that for everything but that also means we can only cook one thing at a time, lol. The day goes by okay but as James and I start to prepare the side dishes we start to argue over little things that propels us into a sour mood. See, I haven't been sleeping much of anything so I've been really _really_ irritable (*Okay bitchy is more apt of a word*). Couldn't have been easy for James to get along with me so I don't blame him for getting miffed at my bad mood. Next we discover the ham we had bought was not totally defrosted. The thing was supposedly roasting in its own marinade but instead it turns out it was just bubbling the water that had defrosted. The thing is that it looked defrosted but when we popped the thermomater inside -- it was completely frozen! ARGH! So day turns to evening and we are about ready to put final touches on the desserts when suddenly the doorbell rings. Now we weren't expecting company -- just the four of us at dinner as usual. But who comes into the door? RAUL! The man's presence just brings down our mood entirely. James absolutely HATES Raul and quite frankly so do I. I have to literally stop James from picking a deliberate fight with Raul which turns his anger onto me. We argue bitterly and then James leaves and slams our bedroom door shut on the whole thing. Turns out that my mother had invited him over and that just was rotten. He has his own family and apartment but instead of being with them -- he calls them up on his cell and they are chatting away like nothing is wrong. The Fat Cow is pestering Raul to come back so that they can eat and he's like, "but my Mama wants me here. I'll be there laterz, kay babez?" <<-- Just hearing him talk like that makes me want to take out a shotgun and blow his head clean off. The bastard is a freaking nuisance!! I know I know that's just wrong and scary for me to say but unless you've lived in my shoes (*I don't wish it on anyone*) there's just no understanding just how much hatred I have for this freak.
On one hand we should have just ignored Raul's prescence but we had planned out this dinner for two months. We had things we were going to say and share...the dinner was going to be something nice. But instead it turned out that we just covered up the food and went our seperate ways. No grace or thanks was said nor did we sit at the table that James had decorated so nicely. As if it was any other day we just served our food and went to our rooms. Raul shouldn't have come and my mother shouldn't have invited him over because she knows that neither James, nor I, and even Omar do not like him. He has been a source of constant pain, anger, and abuse that we three just want to forget about completely. If he was starving and without a family I would have offered for him to stay and eat but the thing is that he is nothing but a festering sore that won't go away. He has never apologized nor acknowledged that everything he has done to us was because he is a (*BEEP BEEEPING BEEP*) of a person. We don't expect that he ever will either. He's more alike his father than he'll ever recognize. So that was our Thanksgiving - a sucky day that could really have gone better. I have a sinking feeling though that the rest of the holidays are going to be this way. Which is why James and I have decided to not celebrate the holidays at this house any longer. Instead we are going to spend the holidays at a hotel where we can pretend that we live in our own house having our own private and peaceful occasion.
Posted by Lizzette at 04:18 PM |
Who would have thought...
Monday, November 21, 2005
. . . that my own mother would end up betraying me in a big way? Sure my father did so and quite often but never once did I imagine that my beloved mother would ultimately be the one that stabs me in the back with a sharp-knife. Now I'm sure that she had her reasons because it almost seems as if people that betray loved ones have their own sick little logic that drives them to hurt the people that they love. Except I can't imagine what her logic would be in this situation. First let me
explain about the pyschatrist thing because it all ties together. The only reason why I agreed to seek help to perhaps help me become 'normal' under society's definition is because of my mother. The previous week I was approached by her case worker(*that is also her counselor*) to perhaps help relieve my Mami of pressure and stress by seeking help for myself. A big part of her worries is that I have a mental illness that prevents me from living a normal life. I will do anything to help my mother. I owe her so much so agreeing to go to the pysch clinic to be evaluated then assigned a pyschiatrist is just one of many things I could do in return for her selfless sacrifices. Now an appointment was set-up for me and everything. Fast forward to the day after I wrote the previous entry. My mother's case worker came over to bring my mother her prescription pills. The woman is kind enough to pick them up from the pharmacy then bring them to the house in order to ensure that my mother recieves and takes the pills. Well it turns out that the case worker wants to see me as well. I tell my mother that I'll be there in a second because I needed to get ready (*I was wearing uhm...my birthday suit at the time, lol*).
I guess I didn't close my bedroom door loud enough behind me because my mother and the case worker were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen. I was about halfway through the hallway when I heard them speak about the cats. Now this got me curious so I stopped and just listened. Yes, I eavesdropped but it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned me to not go any further. I obeyed it and found out a terrible secret. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me talking about all the kitties that were suddenly disappearing from my home? Well it was my mother. She was responsible for my cats disappearing. She took them one by one or three by three, put them into her car and just dropped them off in the middle of who the fuck knows where. I don't know if anyone here can understand how much this pains me because I have taken these cats into my care from abusive families, from the streets, and even nursed them back to health when they were ran over by some clueless idiot that couldn't figure out the speed limit. I took them in and loved them like they should have been loved and my GOD I cried and searched throuh the streets when I couldn't find them day after day. They are not just pieces of trash to be discarded just because SOMEONE ELSE is tired of seeing them. That house is being paid for by James' check and her fucking brand-new car is being paid for by James and even the full coverage insurance is being paid for by James and all the house neccessities and cat food and medicine---all by James. The one thing we ever asked for was to stay until we could get back on our feet and to allow for me to continue rescuing the cats. By God she had no right. She had none at all and I can't even describe just how much it pains me to say that I absolutely HATE her for hurting me in this way.
Oh but it doesn't stop there. You see I am not going to see anyone for what I have. Especially not when I further heard from that conversation that the whole thing was a set-up to get me locked up in a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of months. Considering that I was the one that took HER out of the mental hospital when my father put her in there so that he could have an entire month to bring home his mistress and introduce that whore to me(*I was 15*) and Omar (*he was five*) -- she had quite the nerve to attempt to put me in there just because she doesn't understand what I have?! Just because she is disgusted with me not being what her stupid bitch of a case worker considers normal?! Fuck them both. Fuck them both to hell and back. I am so torn apart and so hurt I don't know how much longer I can tolerate even being in the same place as her. Oh I have to admit that they were clever. They certainly manipulated me by using my love for my mother against me. I have always thought that love and loyalty was my greatest weakness but to be used in this manner was just...well there's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe now a few of you can understand why I constantly prefer to live in a fantasy world or prefer to just talk about the most basic of topics. Inside, in reality, in the place where I am at I am constantly facing a cycle of pain that never ends. Maybe to my mother I am no different than the poor cats she carelessly threw away. In a way I think perhaps that she has always resented having me as her daughter. No matter that I am the only one in the entire family that has stayed by her side to not only defend, to take care of, but also love her without expecting anything in return. But now the person that I least expected to betray my trust - turns out to be the one that actually does me in without remorse or feeling. I'm only sorry that I failed my kitties. I failed them so much because I didn't realize that the danger wasn't the neighbors or the streets..it was from within. Now I must spend sleepless nights watching out for the few cats that remain in my care because I'm not going to let them be taken away. I can't ever trust her ever again.
Mocha, Kali, Myu I and Myu II, Oofie, Gizmo, Moo, Snowball, Suzuki, Arameis, Tails... please forgive me. I'm so sorry that I
couldn't protect you and ultimately broke my promise.
Posted by Lizzette at 01:51 PM |
Holiday Mayhem
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The holiday season is already here. The time of the year where a person like me panics because ultimately I end up depending on James' income to get us through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not a secret that I pretty much live imprisoned in my home because of certain things but I'm trying to change that a bit at a time. The first step was contacting the mental health center which led to a case worker visiting me. The next step is to go to the center to be asked questions then based on what I say - they refer me to a psychiatrist that will hopefully help me out. Ugh, what fun! Oh but hey, I'm learning how to model in 3D which is a major pain in the ass. There is no easy way to learn how to 3D model and if a person doesn't learn the basics of modeling well they are pretty much screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why I never tried to learn before. The programs are hell to learn. At the end of a day you feel like throwing the monitor out the window and bashing your hard-drive with the keyboard in your hands. Aside from making abstract designs for my layouts with Autodesk 3ds Max I never was interested in learning how to actually model an object. Too much trouble and not intersting for this chica. o_O But what changed my mind you wonder? Welps, it's that latest object of my obsession the PC game, the Sims 2. People use to be happy just downloading clothes or skins but noooooooo -- now they want furniture sets, and new hair and clothes styles! Basically I'm learning so that our site can get a bit of traffic and that James can get recognized for his talent with building beautiful homes and buildings. I honestly don't care about the whole thing. I hate having to update and worry about another website but I do it for James. He wanted a website so I obliged because I wanted to help out. Honestly the game is fun and I like to play it but I mainly play to create stories. Sadly, no one wants to read any of my fanfictions unless they have super-graphical pictures to go with them. Stupid people. There use to be a time when words were the only thing that either made or breaks a story but to hell with straight out story-telling because all a person wants is to look at is a heavily-modified photo-manipulated picture that goes along with a few lines of story.
ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Ehhh but what's a person like me to do? Complain and then move on. Check! Okay so like the new layout? It's been a long time since I've done something that is simple yet satisfying. Reminds me of the old days when I was first starting to create my own layouts for my websites. Lol the most I knew about HTML was how to make things ''. Anyhoo see the many different Sims up there? If you can name each girl I'll bow down before your absolute specialness. If not, well then boo hoo for you and no crown. J/K! :P In all honesty I believe that there are only two people that visit this blog that can name them all correctly. One person may know two of the characters vaguely and one other may not know any of them at all. LOL! Shows how much I talk about my Sims and RPG crap hunh? ^_____^
Yesterday as I was making the picture I realized that all along I have been creating, game and roleplaying different aspects to my personality. Each character always represented some twisted side of me. In a strange way they are all just a handful of the different masks that I had to learn to put on to survive in this life. As a consequence of constantly shoving the true aspect of my persona down further and further I had come to lose who I was in reality. It may be early for New Years
resolutions but one of my goals is to rediscover myself. Hence the whole 'FM: Finding Me" subtitle of this website. Oho ho ho! I am setting myself up for either big success or crushing failure! Now that's the kind of chances I like to take.
On an entirely different note - the girls on Top Model are all ugly both on the outside and on the inside. (*Brr*) I cannot see how people can be so fake on both sides and live with themselves. >_<
Posted by Lizzette at 05:17 PM |
Relationship just got crappier
Saturday, September 28, 2005
(Big sigh) It's most likely my fault too. I'm not a pleasant person to be around with for long periods of time. I've always been the kind of individual that ends up keeping themselves company. My bestest friend has always been me. Which is sad to be honest.That alone can explain why James and I have never really gotten along. When he comes home from work we spend a few hours talking to one another just fine. We are just dandy. Until the time he has the day off and BOOM! We are at it like cats and dogs. A part of me has always questioned our relationship. He and I never had anyone before we got into our relationship. Then we committed mistake after mistake while being wrapped up in the feeling of first love and happiness...and started to live with each other only two months after our first date. Despite appearances, I really am just a nice lady. Incredibly shy would describe me in a nutshell. Sure a person can't tell because of how much I chat online but this is the Net -- no one sees the real me. Hiding behind the PC screen just gives me that extra boost of confidance that I can never have in real life. So pretty much, while James and I dated. . .he bullied me into a lot of things I never wanted to do. A good example was - sex. Never wanted it and my first time was in the back of his mother's van. No fireworks. No flowers. Not even a hotel room. And even sadder, I was mute through out the whole five minutes of the experience. I was completely dead inside.
Now don't go and feel sorry for me. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or even a thought of, "Poor thing!" The one thing I hate above all else is someone pitying me. Don't know why that is but it just makes me feel like a victim (which I hate feeling too, lol). Really, I'm saying this to establish just how naive I was when I got involved with James. Oh hell and since I got your attention I might as well say that he forced me to 'fellatio' him in the most crudest way imaginable. This also establishes that he's always been a closet sexual pervert. One time, we were just hanging out in my car. He wanted to make out heavily with me but I told him that I just wanted to just talk. Know what he told me? It's still fresh in my mind. James said and I quote, "Then why the hell are we here?" Yeah, it was a big surprise to me too. Should have known he was a bit of an arse back then but I didn't see the warning flags. Time came when I didn't see the big RED flag either. James has emotionally cheated on me several, several times. All with the same woman whom was pregnant and married with his friend's baby. But we sorta worked it out. I think that I have partially forgiven him for all those times but honest to God I really can't forget it.
James is really a good guy though. He's a hard worker, he supports me, and tolerates all my illnesses. Plus, he has stayed with me despite my problems both mental and physical. That has got to count for something right? No other man would want to be with someone as pathetic as me. Another good point to him is that he's also good to my mother and has come through financially for her too. When Omar was pretending to be my sibling - James bought him things for school, helped him with job applications, homework, and has always bought him tons of Christmas presents. Not to forget to mention again that he sleeps in the same bed with me despite all my misgivings. I love him. I really do. On my LiveJournal(Robo, remind me to send you a link to it) I typed that I would give my life for him in a heartbeat. Never will that change. He is my one and only. My first everything so he is all the world to me and so much more. But times like now -- when we just have gotten into another
argument (my fault too I admit) a part of me wants to wake him up so that I can apologize for my attitude. But another part - another part wants to leave it be. Leave it be in the hope that he will walk away because I often wonder just what my life would be like if I didn't have all of this to deal with. I wonder what it would be like to alone again. Yet a good portion of me is scared to lose him. Truthfully I do not know if this is because I am co-dependent or because I just fear change. Either way I am scared to death of losing him so I am quite a paranoid person when it comes to James.
We fight alot because of these feelings of losing him to another. I warned him about my problems of jealousy and distrust. I told him a billion times over and over that because I am a product of abuse, betrayel, and a child of divorce that TRUST IN HIM would be next to impossible at times. I warned him. I threw up STOP signs every inch of the way but he STILL wanted to accept me. Yet he also can't find the time to be there for me. When I am at my most vunerable I will attack a person in any way possible before they can get a chance to hurt me. When I am backed into a corner I will bite, scratch, and scream my way out of it. James knows this. He knows this and so much more but he refuses to allow me the chance to find help for all of this crap that is really just killing me inside. Because I gave up so much to just be with him he doesn't realize that I literally shut out the hope of ever becoming the person I knew I could have been. I am trapped within my own body screaming
for help but the man does not give me the chance to seek help. He does not give me emotional support. The only thing he has ever seen me for is a convinant sex or house-cleaning tool. Now again, please don't get me wrong. I am no angel. Quite frankly I am often told that I am a very evil and sadistic person. This is true. I like to put up the gruff exterior to cover and protect the shy young woman within the walls. I am also not without mistakes. Lord knows I am the cause of most of our problems but come on! All I want is for James to start giving back to our relationship. Why must I be the only one that strives to patch our relationshp together? Why does it have to be me that puts aside everything just to make things right between us? Why can't he just open up to me the way I do for him? Why can't he comfort me and tell me that all the bloody fears in my heart are for nothing?! For Gods sake I don't need someone to financially support me. I need for him to LOVE me. All I ever wanted was to be loved. So why can't the man that I love above all others be the one to return my feelings? Why is it that when I am with him that I am still very much as alone as I ever was. . .
But ultimately our relationship got crappier because of me and my big mouth. I said some things that were offensive...I'm so fucking sad I thought he was having an affair with his male co-worker. I started accusing him and he got disgusted with the whole idea he walked off to the other room, came back sometime later, then went to bed. Okay but before anyone rolls their eyes at me --- let me at least try to explain myself. A lot of times he comes back from work and tells me about these rather
flamboyant co-workers that are continually hitting on him. James thinks its disgusting but at the same time flattering because they are giving him compliments. Twice now, from picking him up from work I have discovered him sitting very close to two co-workers (male). What got me to the questions (didn't raise my voice at all might I add)was that today I picked him up and he was sitting next to one of the same co-workers. Now when I mean sitting? I mean sitting right next to the co-worker in the back trunk of the guy's car. Leg to leg, shoulder to shoulder. Maybe it's just me and my warped sense of perception (because I was raised by my father and church to be intolerant of same sex relations) but guys that are friends really don't ...well... (at least I don't think they don't) sit and touch limbs with eachother so much. Am I just paranoid about this? Probably. Yet everytime - James tells me that he sits there because they had gotten out like 15 minutes earlier than expected. Plus he didn't want to call me to come pick him up because it would just be too much trouble. OKAY so am I suppose to believe this is all a friendly relationship? Am I a terrible person because I suspect that James is starting to play around with another guy even if it is suppose to seem platonic? Someone throw me a line of sense here because maybe I have lost it completely. Yet I can't get past the fact that he is always happier (I mean giddy happy) when he comes home from work after spending those '15' minutes with these guys. How can I not feel jealous or suspicious? I am jealous that he is not ever, EVER, happy with me and that he can smile and laugh so much around another person. _I_ should be the one that makes him this happy in that extra special way. It should be me but obviously it's not so I had to ask him straight out. Sure it's reckless, plain thoughtless, but listen. . . I've been hurt and betrayed so many times by people I thought loved me it's quite natural for me to jump to conclusions. Quite honestly I dont know how else to think or react. Maybe if he would allow me to see a psychiatrist then things would be different but well you know the deal. Can't afford my medication and can't afford to get me help. So what else am I suppose to do while couped up behind the four walls of my prison? Think happy thoughts? I think not. James is even more deluded than I am if he thinks that!
Posted by Lizzette at 03:17 AM |
You Got NetDrama
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
The strange thing is that I didn't cause the netdrama this time. o_O
First it started with the Limneos forum. It's a warez forum that I have been a member for over two years. Twice I had been asked to be an Admin but was quite happy being a moderator. My title was sweet, 'Forum Queen' I love that title to pieces. However things went sour when the owner of the Limneos site, Elias apparently wanted to use the forum for profit. In the warez world this is a huge no-no. You see, alike a code of honor among thieves there is a similiar code amongst warez peeps which is, "Do not make a profit". I found this noble and began learning nearly everything there was about warez and sharing warez. My own status of constantly never being able to afford luxuries such as cable tv, a kitchen stove, girlie products, manga/anime, or computer software has prompted me to learn how to acquire them and then share these finds back. Essentially this is the cycle of a warez sharer; find and share. However, Elias wanted to make a profit out of everything for his own gain. It would be one thing to ask for donations for a charity but to merely promote his buisness? This is not in good spirit. Therefore two very awesome guys set up a second forum called, Wasted Times. All of the crew that was at Limneos headed for the new forum and began filling it up with new content while at the same time bringing in new members.There was suppose to be an agreement met between the Admin but I guess it didn't happen. The Limneos forum was shut down. Unfortunately the unexpected happened and Wasted Times server and domain contract was close to expiring. Despite the noble efforts of a wonderful person (*not me, lol*) it almost seemed that we were going to lose the forum! Thankfully, he(*the wonderful person*) was able to purchase a domain with server space but it all came out of his own pocket. I am hoping that he will ask for donations to help foot the bill because it's not fair that he puts this much into the forum by himself. But all in all this had a happy ending if not a bit screwed in some areas.
Second drama occured in a Jem and the Holograms Y! Group I subscribe too. Over four years I have been banned from that thing because I have a slight uhm ---thing--- with the main writer of the show; Christy Marx. How can I explain it? Well there's this little fan clique that worships (*Yes, you heard me right*) the writer. They will fawn, swoon, coo, drool, and have called her a 'god' on that message list. I respect their flitty little delusions but hell if I will allow myself to be bullied simply because I do not follow their 'religion'. Once upon a long time ago I created a website called, JeMp3s. This site was the first of its kind amongst the Jem websites because all they had were information sites. I introduced three new concepts into the community. (A)Trendy layouts (B)Jem Multimedia and (C)Photo-manips of Jem characters. This seems to be a revolving theme at the moment but this clique felt threatened by me. I don't know why because I always shared, I always communicated, and I always taught what I knew to everyone that asked and even put up tutorials on how to do what I created. But I was flamed, banned, ridiculed, etc etc but the clencher came when I was accused of stealing the name, 'JeMp3s'. One of the fan clique(*cult*) members made a new site with the same name a few months after mine. At the time I conceded(sp) because I didn't want the hassle so I converted my site's name to what it is now; BubbleGumGlam. So that brings me to the netdrama at the list. There was a girl that happened to speak out against Christy Marx by calling her out and telling her how disgustingly arrogant she appeared. The writer has a thing about bitching on anyone that doesn't share her views and hating any mention of fanfiction. The girl that spoke out was then pounced upon faster than rabid piranha on a live wounded body. I wanted to defend the girl but the list admin have me on 'perma-moderation', lol. Whatever I type to the list is always monitored by the list admin so it wouldn't have mattered. Most likely it would have been deleted like the other times. Instead I just e-mail the girl and let her know that she wasn't alone. Unfortunately, I think the girl was banned so this netdrama had a bad ending.
Third drama regards two people I once had thought were my friends. Remember Josh and Angyl(*her name is Kristine - how scary is that, Imouto-chan?* O_O) well it's for certain now that they do not want to do anything with anyone that isn't in their crappy roleplaying game. I'm serious that the game is crappy because it's not well thought out and I'm sure Robo remembers how sad, strict, and stagnant the gameplay was alike. But anyways I was unsubscribed from their Y! Group then e-mailed a personal message that they were cleaning out the list and blah blah blaaaaah. I'm blocked from their friends list on messenger too. All of this cold treatment to the person they fondly called, 'my sister' or 'reincarnation of my daughter'. Gagh. X_X Anyhoo now I finally understand why their dolling forum, Towne Square went down. It wasn't because of the scandals and the betrayels of other people but rather that Josh and Angyl drove everyone away with their whines, lying tongues, and
backstabbing nature. I'm only sorry that I didn't realize who they were in reality because I invested way too much of my time and emotional energy with them. This netdrama has a happy ending. I'm finally rid of the wicked witch and her croonie.
Fourth drama involves the Sims 2. On the official game site people that own the Sims 2 game are allowed to upload custom creations in the four basic forms of buildings, clothing, movies, and stories. I have done three out of the four and James has a knack at building lots so he uploaded tons to the site. Well, about April 8th he created the ultimate expression of architectural beauty. I kid you not this cathedral named, "St. Ariella'(lol) was number one out of 37, 869 other creations.
Basically he was #1 of the entire site. I was extremely proud of him so I took a print screen shot of his truimph for token sake. Little did I know how much it would come in handy later. What took a week for him to achieve in ranking was taken away in a mere hour. The St. Ariella Cathedral was a 4.67 rating and was dropped to a 2.0 This is what is known as 'rate hating'. It takes a considerable amount of people to do this type of thing. We figured out who had done it -- SterlingDT. Now I'm
going to show you the print screen shot. The first on top is James(*he uploaded under my account until I registered a second for him*) the second is a croonie of SterlingDT, and the third is SterlingDT herself. I would show the image itself but its rather huge being a print screen shot that hasn't been cropped or optimized.
Click to see picture
Guess who was number one before James? She was and that insighted the first bout of jealous rage against us. Disgusted, we took our material elsewhere to a pay site called, The Sims Resource. This is where the adult players mill about while the official site is a beacon to tweens. There James has climbed the ranks and has become the top architect. Now I use my official site account to post my Sim stories. I have achieved a 5 star rating on them all and by no easy means either. Things were comfortable until James joined a forum that was led by SterlingDt. At this forum of hers she has a cult-like following as well whom we like to refer to as 'sheep'. Inside he discovered a nasty truth. The forum basically gets together and rate hates any building or custom content creation that achieves a higher rating then their creations. James called them out on it and entirely in a civil manner but was banned. Then his account was frozen. An account can only be frozen and hidden from view by a Sim master(aka a moderator) which means that his little webpage was reported. What this means is that several people report a 'MySim Page'(mini webpage) for inappropriate content, bad language, or stolen content. James has neither of that but until the poeple that are above the Sim masters determine this--his page is hidden and frozen completely. I discover a short while later that on SterlingDT's blog on her MySim page that she is the one that did it. Apparently she gathered her forum sheep to all mass report James' page for all the wrong reasons which are all false. They also hit his creations to nothing...and then they turned on me.
My stories were hit considerably and then MySim page was also reported and frozen. All of this because they felt threatened. The third chapter of Saijin Moon had hit the top ten list and this enraged the sheep of SterlingDT because they had their stories in the top ten. Me moving up = them moving down. So James and I are done with the Exchange for now. Our accounts are useless until the site moderators remove our ban which I can assure you will not happen for a very long time. The EA site is a complex site wrought with stupidity, moronic behavior, and an affliction to asslick for popularity reasons. James and I want no part of it so I am moving our tutorials to our Sims 2 website and to Live Journal. It'll be hard though because my only archive of the stories is up at the Sims 2 site. Luckily I am not a woman without means. As childish as it sounds and feels for me; I have begun plans for vengeance. I know, I know. I'm only reducing myself to their level but as I once told a former stalker that was bothering two special friends of mine-- hurt me and I will shrug indifferently, hurt someone I love or care about -- and I will strike down upon you with utter vengeance. My self-esteem, my self-worth is nothing. I feel nor care nothing about myself but I do so love James and I despise _anyone_ and I will _hate_ anyone that dares to hurt him in any shape or form. Fortunately for her, I will not take down her forum because she did not come to disturb our forum. However because she has taken action to get our MySim pages frozen then I will take down both her MySimPage and her forum's MySimpage in retribution. I will also send her a personal e-mail and depending on her response...well I am honestly hoping that she will be mature and simply apologize. I ask for nothing more. So this netdrama still hasn't an ending but maybe it'll be a good one. We'll just have to wait and see.
On a lighter note: Christmas is nearly here! Gimme Net presents!! ^_____^
Posted by Lizzette at 02:34 PM |
...
Friday, December 03, 2005
I grubbed about the floor like a caterpillar in dirt.
Posted by Lizzette at 02:18 AM |
My Thanksgiving SUCKED...
Friday, November 29, 2005
. . . but at least we were fortunate enough to have one. I know there are a great deal of people that suffer through life with scarce anything to eat nor a roof over their heads. In a way I wish our food could have gone to them because my family certainly doesn't deserve a Thanksgiving. I know that I above all others do not deserve anything either. The day started out with a realization that the turkey we had defrosted over the night was very frostbitten. When I put it into the brine for a
six hour soak and final defrost another odd thing I noticed was that the opening where a person takes out the little 'giblets, lungs, heart, and liver' bad was not even there. It was completely closed so I had to uhm...rip all that out by forcing a hole where the neck and parts bag should have been. That aside, we also have no stove. I mean we have one but it doesn't work. But we do have a little roaster oven so we used that for everything but that also means we can only cook one thing at a time, lol. The day goes by okay but as James and I start to prepare the side dishes we start to argue over little things that propels us into a sour mood. See, I haven't been sleeping much of anything so I've been really _really_ irritable (*Okay bitchy is more apt of a word*). Couldn't have been easy for James to get along with me so I don't blame him for getting miffed at my bad mood. Next we discover the ham we had bought was not totally defrosted. The thing was supposedly roasting in its own marinade but instead it turns out it was just bubbling the water that had defrosted. The thing is that it looked defrosted but when we popped the thermomater inside -- it was completely frozen! ARGH! So day turns to evening and we are about ready to put final touches on the desserts when suddenly the doorbell rings. Now we weren't expecting company -- just the four of us at dinner as usual. But who comes into the door? RAUL! The man's presence just brings down our mood entirely. James absolutely HATES Raul and quite frankly so do I. I have to literally stop James from picking a deliberate fight with Raul which turns his anger onto me. We argue bitterly and then James leaves and slams our bedroom door shut on the whole thing. Turns out that my mother had invited him over and that just was rotten. He has his own family and apartment but instead of being with them -- he calls them up on his cell and they are chatting away like nothing is wrong. The Fat Cow is pestering Raul to come back so that they can eat and he's like, "but my Mama wants me here. I'll be there laterz, kay babez?" <<-- Just hearing him talk like that makes me want to take out a shotgun and blow his head clean off. The bastard is a freaking nuisance!! I know I know that's just wrong and scary for me to say but unless you've lived in my shoes (*I don't wish it on anyone*) there's just no understanding just how much hatred I have for this freak.
On one hand we should have just ignored Raul's prescence but we had planned out this dinner for two months. We had things we were going to say and share...the dinner was going to be something nice. But instead it turned out that we just covered up the food and went our seperate ways. No grace or thanks was said nor did we sit at the table that James had decorated so nicely. As if it was any other day we just served our food and went to our rooms. Raul shouldn't have come and my mother shouldn't have invited him over because she knows that neither James, nor I, and even Omar do not like him. He has been a source of constant pain, anger, and abuse that we three just want to forget about completely. If he was starving and without a family I would have offered for him to stay and eat but the thing is that he is nothing but a festering sore that won't go away. He has never apologized nor acknowledged that everything he has done to us was because he is a (*BEEP BEEEPING BEEP*) of a person. We don't expect that he ever will either. He's more alike his father than he'll ever recognize. So that was our Thanksgiving - a sucky day that could really have gone better. I have a sinking feeling though that the rest of the holidays are going to be this way. Which is why James and I have decided to not celebrate the holidays at this house any longer. Instead we are going to spend the holidays at a hotel where we can pretend that we live in our own house having our own private and peaceful occasion.
Posted by Lizzette at 04:18 PM |
Who would have thought...
Monday, November 21, 2005
. . . that my own mother would end up betraying me in a big way? Sure my father did so and quite often but never once did I imagine that my beloved mother would ultimately be the one that stabs me in the back with a sharp-knife. Now I'm sure that she had her reasons because it almost seems as if people that betray loved ones have their own sick little logic that drives them to hurt the people that they love. Except I can't imagine what her logic would be in this situation. First let me
explain about the pyschatrist thing because it all ties together. The only reason why I agreed to seek help to perhaps help me become 'normal' under society's definition is because of my mother. The previous week I was approached by her case worker(*that is also her counselor*) to perhaps help relieve my Mami of pressure and stress by seeking help for myself. A big part of her worries is that I have a mental illness that prevents me from living a normal life. I will do anything to help my mother. I owe her so much so agreeing to go to the pysch clinic to be evaluated then assigned a pyschiatrist is just one of many things I could do in return for her selfless sacrifices. Now an appointment was set-up for me and everything. Fast forward to the day after I wrote the previous entry. My mother's case worker came over to bring my mother her prescription pills. The woman is kind enough to pick them up from the pharmacy then bring them to the house in order to ensure that my mother recieves and takes the pills. Well it turns out that the case worker wants to see me as well. I tell my mother that I'll be there in a second because I needed to get ready (*I was wearing uhm...my birthday suit at the time, lol*).
I guess I didn't close my bedroom door loud enough behind me because my mother and the case worker were speaking in hushed tones in the kitchen. I was about halfway through the hallway when I heard them speak about the cats. Now this got me curious so I stopped and just listened. Yes, I eavesdropped but it was the feeling in the pit of my stomach that warned me to not go any further. I obeyed it and found out a terrible secret. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me talking about all the kitties that were suddenly disappearing from my home? Well it was my mother. She was responsible for my cats disappearing. She took them one by one or three by three, put them into her car and just dropped them off in the middle of who the fuck knows where. I don't know if anyone here can understand how much this pains me because I have taken these cats into my care from abusive families, from the streets, and even nursed them back to health when they were ran over by some clueless idiot that couldn't figure out the speed limit. I took them in and loved them like they should have been loved and my GOD I cried and searched throuh the streets when I couldn't find them day after day. They are not just pieces of trash to be discarded just because SOMEONE ELSE is tired of seeing them. That house is being paid for by James' check and her fucking brand-new car is being paid for by James and even the full coverage insurance is being paid for by James and all the house neccessities and cat food and medicine---all by James. The one thing we ever asked for was to stay until we could get back on our feet and to allow for me to continue rescuing the cats. By God she had no right. She had none at all and I can't even describe just how much it pains me to say that I absolutely HATE her for hurting me in this way.
Oh but it doesn't stop there. You see I am not going to see anyone for what I have. Especially not when I further heard from that conversation that the whole thing was a set-up to get me locked up in a mental hospital for an undetermined amount of months. Considering that I was the one that took HER out of the mental hospital when my father put her in there so that he could have an entire month to bring home his mistress and introduce that whore to me(*I was 15*) and Omar (*he was five*) -- she had quite the nerve to attempt to put me in there just because she doesn't understand what I have?! Just because she is disgusted with me not being what her stupid bitch of a case worker considers normal?! Fuck them both. Fuck them both to hell and back. I am so torn apart and so hurt I don't know how much longer I can tolerate even being in the same place as her. Oh I have to admit that they were clever. They certainly manipulated me by using my love for my mother against me. I have always thought that love and loyalty was my greatest weakness but to be used in this manner was just...well there's no words to describe what I'm feeling. Maybe now a few of you can understand why I constantly prefer to live in a fantasy world or prefer to just talk about the most basic of topics. Inside, in reality, in the place where I am at I am constantly facing a cycle of pain that never ends. Maybe to my mother I am no different than the poor cats she carelessly threw away. In a way I think perhaps that she has always resented having me as her daughter. No matter that I am the only one in the entire family that has stayed by her side to not only defend, to take care of, but also love her without expecting anything in return. But now the person that I least expected to betray my trust - turns out to be the one that actually does me in without remorse or feeling. I'm only sorry that I failed my kitties. I failed them so much because I didn't realize that the danger wasn't the neighbors or the streets..it was from within. Now I must spend sleepless nights watching out for the few cats that remain in my care because I'm not going to let them be taken away. I can't ever trust her ever again.
Mocha, Kali, Myu I and Myu II, Oofie, Gizmo, Moo, Snowball, Suzuki, Arameis, Tails... please forgive me. I'm so sorry that I
couldn't protect you and ultimately broke my promise.
Posted by Lizzette at 01:51 PM |
Holiday Mayhem
Thursday, November 17, 2005
The holiday season is already here. The time of the year where a person like me panics because ultimately I end up depending on James' income to get us through Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's not a secret that I pretty much live imprisoned in my home because of certain things but I'm trying to change that a bit at a time. The first step was contacting the mental health center which led to a case worker visiting me. The next step is to go to the center to be asked questions then based on what I say - they refer me to a psychiatrist that will hopefully help me out. Ugh, what fun! Oh but hey, I'm learning how to model in 3D which is a major pain in the ass. There is no easy way to learn how to 3D model and if a person doesn't learn the basics of modeling well they are pretty much screwed. I guess that's one of the reasons why I never tried to learn before. The programs are hell to learn. At the end of a day you feel like throwing the monitor out the window and bashing your hard-drive with the keyboard in your hands. Aside from making abstract designs for my layouts with Autodesk 3ds Max I never was interested in learning how to actually model an object. Too much trouble and not intersting for this chica. o_O But what changed my mind you wonder? Welps, it's that latest object of my obsession the PC game, the Sims 2. People use to be happy just downloading clothes or skins but noooooooo -- now they want furniture sets, and new hair and clothes styles! Basically I'm learning so that our site can get a bit of traffic and that James can get recognized for his talent with building beautiful homes and buildings. I honestly don't care about the whole thing. I hate having to update and worry about another website but I do it for James. He wanted a website so I obliged because I wanted to help out. Honestly the game is fun and I like to play it but I mainly play to create stories. Sadly, no one wants to read any of my fanfictions unless they have super-graphical pictures to go with them. Stupid people. There use to be a time when words were the only thing that either made or breaks a story but to hell with straight out story-telling because all a person wants is to look at is a heavily-modified photo-manipulated picture that goes along with a few lines of story.
ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Ehhh but what's a person like me to do? Complain and then move on. Check! Okay so like the new layout? It's been a long time since I've done something that is simple yet satisfying. Reminds me of the old days when I was first starting to create my own layouts for my websites. Lol the most I knew about HTML was how to make things ''. Anyhoo see the many different Sims up there? If you can name each girl I'll bow down before your absolute specialness. If not, well then boo hoo for you and no crown. J/K! :P In all honesty I believe that there are only two people that visit this blog that can name them all correctly. One person may know two of the characters vaguely and one other may not know any of them at all. LOL! Shows how much I talk about my Sims and RPG crap hunh? ^_____^
Yesterday as I was making the picture I realized that all along I have been creating, game and roleplaying different aspects to my personality. Each character always represented some twisted side of me. In a strange way they are all just a handful of the different masks that I had to learn to put on to survive in this life. As a consequence of constantly shoving the true aspect of my persona down further and further I had come to lose who I was in reality. It may be early for New Years
resolutions but one of my goals is to rediscover myself. Hence the whole 'FM: Finding Me" subtitle of this website. Oho ho ho! I am setting myself up for either big success or crushing failure! Now that's the kind of chances I like to take.
On an entirely different note - the girls on Top Model are all ugly both on the outside and on the inside. (*Brr*) I cannot see how people can be so fake on both sides and live with themselves. >_<
