the afterlife gets z@ny

This Is Just Me

I know I've been ranting a lot about handphones lately, but please bear with me. I simply have to get it all out of my system.

I really liked the Sony Ericsson T610. I planned to slowly save up for the phone. Alan even offered to pay for half of it. I was hoping the price would fall to about RM1k.

But just last week, I saw the pervert using a T610. A T610! WHYYYYY???!!! I really liked that phone! Argh! WHYYYYYY????!!!!

Now I'm having second thoughts about getting the phone. The last thing I want is for him to see me using a similar phone. Bleargh.

Benci benci benci! *thrashes stuff around*

The bright side of all this is that I should probably not buy such an expensive phone. Time to go start looking for another pretty handphone to admire.

Oh yes, I watched League of Extraordinary Gentlemen last night. Have to say it's lacking plot-wise. And I was really cold (I didn't plan to go for a movie and was wearing shorts and a sleeveless tee). We also bought way too many snacks and my jaw got awfully tired halfway through. We had coke, corn-in-a-cup, large popcorn and nachos & cheese. Guh.

Perhaps Stuart Townsend can be forgiven after all. Granted he was SO NOT Lestat, and he's not Dorian Gray either, but he has his redeeming moments. Maybe its the rapier. Mmmm... What is it with these bad bad men and their swords??

Tuesday, September 30, 2003
03:52 p.m.

The Big Scaredy-cat

People are supposed to get over the fears as they grow up. Not get more fears. It just seems so wrong to grow up with more phobias than you did as a child.

Granted, children do stupid things because they are unaware of danger. But they also have greater fears because they lack the logic to justify their fears. For instance, I used to dread staying alone in the house as a child. Even if I was left at home alone, I would coop myself up in my room and refuse the venture out. A part of me was afraid of 'who' might be in the supposedly empty house with me. More than I hated being in the house alone, was being in the house alone WHEN it was dark or raining.

But thats a fear I overcame a long time ago. Now I love being cooped up in my room, and not because there's no one home. :)

The disturbing fact is that I find myself more terrified of things now, that I didn't give a hoot about before. I've stopped watching horror movies, I hate looking into the mirror past midnight, and I get horrible thoughts in my head, which I don't further promote by refusing to watch horror movies.

I don't like loud noises, especially exploding balloons. I don't like bellybuttons. I don't like bees. I don't drive at night, or in KL. I don't like the deserted house next to mine. I don't like the fact that some of its walls have been knocked down. I don't like to hear strange noises in the garden at night. I don't like to hear strange sounds from the back alley behind my house.

It takes me a lot of courage to go take a look at the cause of the noise. A logical part of me will say that its probably an intruder or just a wild bird. A crazed part of my brain will scream:
"THIS IS HOW ALL THE VICTIMS GET KILLED IN HORROR MOVIES! They all HAD to go check out that strange noise!

I'm am proud however, to say that I've proved my crazed part wrong so far. I have checked out the 'noises that go 'bump' in the night'. One time, it actually was an intruder hiding near my dad's car. The other time, it was some pervert weirdo that was perched up in the tree directly behind my bedroom window.

Bad experience. Ugh. Bad experience.

My latest fear? Stepping out of my comfort zone. My parents have suggested that I change job. They have looked up possible job opportunities and have asked me to try them. A part of me is skeptical. Will people actually want to employ me and pay me a higher salary than what I'm getting right now?

When I think about it, I realise that I'm not heavily specialised in a single field. I'm more of a 'Jack of All Trades' so to speak. My programming is low-level but I've been involved in a variety of works. Project coordination, sales tenders, submissions to government, design of company profile and company logos, involvement in achieving ISO9001 for the company, (some) server administration, etc. Looks pretty good when you look at it like that.

Plus, perhaps I can get a job closer to home. And a change of environment should be good for me. I feel so jaded. And hostile.

Maybe I will give it a try.

And maybe, I won't be such a big scaredy-cat after all.

Monday, September 29, 2003
10:43 p.m.

The Pull of Handphone

2 years ago, I've lived happily without a handphone. In fact, I never really wanted a handphone. Why? Because I had a tendency to sneak out from the house. Last thing I needed was a beacon with which my parents could track me down.

So, I'm not the perfect angel, but who is?

I used to sneak out even before teenhood, which is to say something. I remember walking around the neighbourhood with Lil and JQ towards the bookstore.

You thought we were going to do something naughtier, didn't you?

We were naughty, but not all that naughty. We snuck out to borrow books. Weird? Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked.

I didn't want to be in Atria when my parents called to say, "Where are you?" That would have been BAD. Wait, scratch that- 'bad' would be an understatement.

And so, I spent most of my teenhood believing that handphones would be bad for my health. See, we had this saying which went something like this:
'What your parents don't know won't hurt you'.

And then, Alan got me a handphone for my 20th birthday. Wow.

It was a cool gadget to have. Not everyone I knew had a handphone back then. After all, we were just college students. We relied on the heavily bashed-up public phones, and house phones (the ones where our parents pays the bill).

But I was reluctant to pass my parents the number. What if they called me when I was in Pyramid instead of in the studying room?! Oh the horror of horrors! What if I was in KL shopping for anime instead of being in college?

I'd be grounded! Grounded for ages and ages and ages!

But I HAD to give my parents the number of my handphone. I thought of all the backup plans to quickly excuse myself from talking. It wasn't a very long list, but at least I had a few lines prepared.

Turns out that my parents hardly ever call me. They trust me. Whoa, revelation!

And today, I'd feel lost without my little mobile. When I'm low on batt, it feels like my life-line is hanging by a thread. I'm still using that same unit I received as a present from Alan. Have been thinking about changing it for some time, but argh! No money! Benci, benci, benci!

If I start saving now, I hope to be able to get the one I want by the end of the year. Or I could just wait for my bonus next year. Sigh.

Friday, September 26, 2003
12:45 p.m.

Case of the Missing Files

Files are missing. FOUR files to be exact. Where could they be?

Were they taken by a scheming competitor?

Were they taken by a vengeful associate?

Were they evidence of an unspeakable crime and had to be destroyed?

Or were they simply... misplaced?

This is a case for CSI: Petaling Jaya.

Thursday, September 25, 2003
03:13 p.m.

Packed Weekend

Warning: Long entry ahead.

What a weekend! Was thoroughly drained, luckily I'd applied for leave on Monday (Mondays are EVIL). Otherwise, I would be a total zombie at work.

I attended a 3-day seminar on the weekend, which was on Friday night, Saturday evening and Sunday morning. No time to stay at home and rest. Whew! What's more is that the Smut Fest was scheduled this weekend.

So, the Smut Fest didn't go as well as expected. 'Course you can't expect me to bring a notebook to the seminar hall and snicker to myself while reading the naughtiest of stories. All right, let's have a quick recap of the weekend:

Friday- One long long day at work. Funny how little I recall of it now. Proceeded to seminar immediately after work. Alan took leave on that day so he could send me to work and later pick me up and go straight to the seminar. Was all happy and excited UNTIL... we got stuck in the Friday jam.

We were on our way to Cheras, so you can just imagine. Traffic at 6.00p.m. in Cheras. SCARY! Luckily I wasn't driving, so I don't remember most of it now. Except that it was scary.

Seminar was supposed to start at 8pm, but we only got there at 7.40pm, without any dinner. So we did what we always used to do as students; buy snacks and have them as dinner. Let's see- we had a good wholesome meal which consisted of Coke, BBQ-flavoured Mr. Potato chips in a can, a Conetto and some Hacks sweets (which I refused to eat. They don't taste good).

The seminar was good. Especially for the fact that the first speaker (who was from Slovenia) looked like Professor Snape!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE! He had the hook nose, the pale skin, the same haircut (except that he had brown hair). You know what they say about men with big noses. *ahem* Hey, I can't stop the Snarryness in me!

The speaker then proceeded to give us a bit on his background. Turns out that he was a hippy in the 70's. ... *Fangirl in me cheering loudly* Woo-hoo! Brain switched to 'Death Eaters at the Malfoy Estate ' mode.

Oooh, I also spotted Yukito lookalike. Come to think of it, he was more of a Yukito Touya mix. Nyehehehehehe. He had Yukito's face, the spectacles and the haircut. But he also had Touya's build and tan. Mmmmmmmm...

It was quite a feat, but I actually managed to listen to the contents of the talk. It was close to midnight when the talk ended. Then proceeded to go home and read some lovely NC-17 fics. Think I read past 1am before I fell asleep.

Saturday- Woke up early to meet Fabs for breakfast. O_o I was actually up by 8.15 in the morning. Picked up Fabs in my little Kancil and proceeded to A&W's for brekkie. After that, we lepaked around Amcorp Mall aimlessly. Poor Fabs had to follow me around the mall. I didn't have much of a clue as to where I was going, and we ended up walking in circles.

A pity I could stay for the YCCian outing later, but I had to go meet Alan. We had some shopping to do for his friend, whose wedding was on the same night. Of course, we couldn't make it (I wasn't invited anyway *POUTS*) because of the seminar, but we were going to look for a gift anyway. Alright, back to the present.

Baka Cindy forgot to look at the pillar number where she'd parked the car. Fabs said, it'd be OK, cause all we needed to do to find the car would be to backtrack. Well it was easier said than done.

Y'know, shopping complexes should not give people a 20-minute time limit to get to their cars. Why put your valued shoppers under unnecessary pressure?

Anyhow, we paid the parking token, and proceeded to the carpark. Super Fabs said he'd walk me to the car since I had no clue where I'd parked it

We reached basement parking but it was a completely foreign parking. I started to freak out. What happens if you don't get your car out in 20 minutes? Will I have to explain to the maintenance officers what an idiot I was for forgetting where I parked?

We covered a lot of ground on parking B2, before we took the stairs up to B1. Still, it looked very foreign. I even raised my car remote and tried to see if it was in range.

No luck.

OK, let's back track again. We got into the nearest lift and then went back into the complex. And then we went to the first floor and took the lift down again. Still ended up in alien looking carpark. No good.

Brain screaming: Where's my car?!!

Starting to freak out. Also, we'd already spent 15 minutes or more hunting. Only 5 more minutes to go. Really felt like I was in one of those reality game shows. Yea, that'd be a good idea for a reality game show. We'll get a group of people to park their car in a maze-like car park and give them twenty minutes to get to their car. Wow-ser.

I wonder if the maintenance department gets any entertainment out of this.

We decide to backtrack one more time. Third time's a charm.

Lucky! Found car on third time, woo-hoo! Super Fabs agreed to 'teman' me until I got out of the carpark. Was still a little nervous since we'd already spent 20 minutes looking for my car. Thankfully, the token worked, and I gave Fabs a lift to the main entrance.

Arigato Fabs! I'd have really panicked if I were lost in that carpark by myself. ^_^ Ice-cream?

After that, I met up with Alan to go to the seminar. But not before shopping for a present. Who'd know that there would be a massive jam in Bukit Bintang on a Saturday afternoon?

By the time we actually got to BB, we had only an hour left before we had to go to the seminar in Cheras. And we haven't had lunch yet.

I know our main priority should have been the present, but I got side-tracked. Labyrinth, Labyrinth, Labyrinth... Argh, still cannot find it. TJ where did you find it?

Meanwhile, Alan got sidetracked with MultiMedia Cards for his new Pocket PC. In the end, we didn't have time for present hunting =( Had to force down lunch at 4pm reallyreallyquick, because the seminar was due to start at 5pm. In Cheras.

Come to think of it now, even if we had gotten a present, we wouldn't be able to pass it to his friend since their dinner would only start at 7pm. And I'm not invited. *POUTS*

Arrived at the seminar 5pm sharp. Luckily, it had been postponed to start at 5.30 instead. Saw lovely Snape and Yukito Touya lookalike again. Heeee, hanyannnnnnnn

Seminar ended at 11.30 and we went for supper with some other people there. Only got home at 2am. Whew!!!

Sunday- Morning seminar due to start at 10am. Oh my gawd! Felt ill. Alan thinks it could be attributed to me eating so late last night. Dragged self to seminar, regardless of being ill. Imagine this- I felt like throwing up, gouging my own eyes out and fainting all at once. Definetely something I don't ever want to go through again.

Seminar ended around 3, and I went home to rest for about 2 hours. Started to feel better and went to watch '2 Fast 2 Furious'.

What can I say about the show? Loads of pretty cars and hot chicks. And nice effects. But apart from all the eye-candy, nothing much more that I can really remember.

Read some more smutty fanfiction that night. Real happy that I didn't have to work on Monday. Hmmm, slept through most of my Monday.

And that was how I spent my weekend. Whew! Smut Fest will be extended- huzzah!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003
10:53 a.m.

Smut Fest

It's been a mad mad day. Rushed work for bosses and other people. Phone calls were pertually coming in and it was just so hectic! Also, I've have been transformed into a goop of slush who will start giggling at the words 'smut', 'pwp' and 'NC-17' when downloading fanfics. It is terrible. Really.

I had lunch by myself today, downloaded fics and laughed like a mad scientist. I had to call Lil 'cause I really needed someone to laugh with. Somehow, it's much easier to digest the sight of someone giggling over the phone compared to someone giggling to herself while staring at the monitor...

Have personally declared a Smut Fest over the weekend, with over 10Mb worth of fanfiction. Did you know it's heaven to lie on your bed, with a notebook, with a cup of ice-cold root beer while reading some incredibly naughty fanfic? Ah, bliss...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY HAZ! I meant to put it up on my blog earlier. Honest! You guys have fun tomorrow!

Also, my apologies to all those who were chatting with me on ICQ. Not sure why, but I suddenly got disconnected and could not log on. =(

Friday, September 19, 2003
04:03 p.m.

The New Addiction

I have another confession to make. I'm addicted to smut. Sad but true, I suddenly feel withdrawal symptons from the lack of smutty slashy fanfiction. I need my Snarry! I need more fics like Armanuensis' (Lil, I finally got the name right!) 'A Spell to Turn Tigers to Butter'. Mmmmmm, bring on the slash!

It's not that I don't enjoy the PG-13 ones, but every now and then I need them to just go at it senselessly! Go Snape! Go Harry! Harry's been a naughty naughty boy! Yes, he needs to be severely punished =D I suppose AU fics are OK, but I prefer them in Potterverse.

I spent my weekend reading mostly PG-13 rated fics. Some of them are really good, though they lack the intense slashiness. If you haven't read Stay My Hand, you really should. Severus is just so... Severus. Tee hee. Don't worry, it's only a PG-13, Fabs. =)

Must. Read. More. Snarry. Smut. Urgh.

PS:I learnt yesterday that Fabs is OK with girl-on-girl slash. In other words, he's perfectly fine with me going to bed with Sakura. Hmmm, someone's been a naughty boy.>:)

Thursday, September 18, 2003
02:30 p.m.

Accident Prone

Heels make my right knee hurt. I am unable to go through an entire day in heels without suffering a bad knee for the next few days.

I must have hurt my knee in training before, but I don't recall too much injury to it. There was some but I never thought it serious. The worse it got was just a brief crack and slight pain whenever I squat down. I believe it was caused by the machine that was supposed to increase calve muscle.

My feet are somewhat different from the rest of me. Don't get me wrong, but I love my legs and my feet. Problem is, I'm terrible on all land sports. I get into all sorts of accidents, resulting in ankle and wrist sprains. Knowing that I detest pain, I stopped going all out for land sports. Except for that time in the gym when I tore my my left shoulder ligament, but that's a different story. Otherwise, I'm sure I would be able to add a couple of fractures to that list.

This leaves me in a dilemma. What should I do for exercise? I have terribly slow hand-eye reflexes (which contributes to the accident prone-ness) and weak legs. The last resort- swimming. But I really disklike public pools. They're full of perverts and people who swim in all directions. Plus, the toilets leave much to be desired.

Where does this leave me? Exercise-less. Well, on the bright side, I haven't suffered a sport-related injury in ages. Except for the last time when I scraped off a small chunk of skin while playing bowling. Don't ask me how.

Despite it all, I'm very keen to learn Kendo. Layman translation- poking people with bamboo sticks. =) Although it's more of a martial art, it still can be considered a form of exercise. After all, how many sickly swordsmen have you seen?

But seriously, it looks very nice and interesting. Especially those robes. Mmm mmm! I wonder how Professor Snape would look in an all black Kendo outfit... *dreamy eyes* Hopefully this time I'll prove that old trackrecord wrong. =) I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003
12:32 p.m.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

The human body comes with a clock of its own. I can't help but wonder if mine came broken.

Or perhaps I broke it.

It's a very delicate 'clock' that I have. The slightest change in my daily activity will cause it to go haywire. One missed meal, one late night, a change of foods, and BOOM! Chaos.

The unpredictability really drives a person insane. You can't plan for trips, because you never know when to expect it. You can't apply for leave in advance. And it simply ruins the days when you've planned ahead without including it.

I may have broken my sleeping pattern as well. Have become such a light sleeper the past few days. The smallest noise wakes me up, and I can't fall asleep again. This is partially due to the 'traumatic' experience of my brother waking me up at what he regards as morning, for no good reason at all.

Not to mention that horrible karaoke singing (as performed by the clearly tone deaf people behind my house) is anything BUT a small noise. I am so tired.

Also, I think I may have eaten a little bit too much popcorn, and hence have over-exercised my jaws. My temples ache- especially when I chew food. Almost impossible to enjoy some good ol' asam now. Gah. In need of comfort fics... and some painkillers.

This entry was written on the 15th of Sep 2003, 4.00p.m.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003
10:12 a.m.

Hi, have you changed?

That's a strange question to ask someone. Perhaps, not completely unheard of, but still... Have I changed? I think so. But I don't know for sure. After all, we are supposed to grow up, get more mature, etc. You know the drill.

I think I may have shocked my new colleague with my reply. I was honest though. She asked me if I'd changed since I started working in the company. Curious, I asked her about when she saw me different. It may have been just a feeling in my gut, but I asked her, "When did you last remember how I was? Was it last year?"

I shouldn't have been surprised when she said yes. She first met me in November 2002. She said I'm more humble and more soft-spoken now. Hmm, I never thought of myself as soft-spoken. But I did tell her I was worn out. Especially by the month-long depression I had at the end/ beginning of the year. I still haven't fully recovered from that bout. ...Perhaps, next time, I shan't divulge so much information. At least she doesn't know about the paranoia episode.

So, do I like the new me? Is there even a new me? I am confused.

Friday, September 12, 2003
03:44 p.m.

Brave But I'm Chickenshit

I'm pretty good at putting up a front. At least I'd like to think so. A recent event brought to mind the phrase 'I'm brave but I'm chickenshit'. I remember how I used to get incredibly nervous at debates but still manage to pull it off nicely. And how my classmates thought I was real confident, except for the 1 or 2 who actually noticed my trembling knees. ;-_-

...Anyway, it got me started on looking for the lyrics for the rest of the song.

The last time I heard it I was still in high school, but reading the lyrics now brings so much more light. In the past few years, I've lived these situations. Plus I'm very taken by the thought that things will be alright in the end. True, in movies, I don't always vote for a happy ending (in fact, I'd like Colonel Tavington to rule forever and ever!), but I'd like my life to have a happy end.

Also, whenever I go through the lyrics, the image of me and TJ badly ruining the song just pops into my mind. And so, for old times sake, here are the lyrics for 'Hand In My Pocket'. Enjoy.

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

[Harmonica solo]

Hand In My Pocket by Alanis Morisette

Lyrics taken from E-lyrics.net

Thursday, September 11, 2003
10:22 a.m.

Adapting

I'm slowly getting used to the new environment. There about eight staff in the department, exclusive of yours truly. I'm actually helping out a subsidiary, which constitutes of five people in the department. The other three are staff from the parent company, who are working closely with them in the same project but different role.

At the same time, I have spoken to all the bosses whom I'm reporting to, and slowly moving away from other stuff. At least, it's a start. I'm beginning to bring bits of 'typically-me' stuff into the new department. Just a little bit, so no one will notice yet. Like my Powerpuff drinking bottle and some lovely Labyrinth mp3s. I may change seating place (just a few feet away) because one of the staff on-site may be situated in the HQ for good. Will be sitting with my back facing the door, so highly unlikely to be chatting. At least, I can update my blogs and send emails.

In other news, my computer was sent to the workshop last week. Confirmed that the motherboard has indeed gone konk. The technician who examined it said that there was an orange light blinking (which of course I had not seen cause I never tried looked directly at the hardware while I started the PC). Because I own a Pentium III, I can't simply buy any new motherboard. Most of the new ones are only compatible with Celerons and P4s. So, if he can't find a new sparepart for me, it's either repair the faulty motherboard, or get a refurbished one.

Either way, I haven't heard from him yet. Gosh, I gotta remember to call him. Hope hope hope my comp is OK...

Wednesday, September 10, 2003
10:27 a.m.

Monday Whine

Another weekend come and gone. Would have liked a little more rest, but I suppose that's what taking leave is for. Need to take more rest, as not sleeping as soundly the past few nights. Head so full of thoughts, which manifest themselves as whimsical yet oddly real dreams which occur within the realm of floating consciousness. Y'know, when part of you knows you're not fully asleep, but then again, you're not fully awake. You're just... floating. And at these terrible hours of the morning, I wish I had taken some cough sirup so I could just collapse into sleep.

Accomplished one thing in the weekend- checked out Kendo training at last. Looks rather nice, am very taken by the uniform. Sadly, there was no Jap bishonen sensei. Perhaps its too much Kenshin, but I keep having this expectation that senseis should look like Hiko Seijuro the 13th. I really want to take up Kendo, but just worrying about time now. Still not sure whether I'll have enough free time in my schedule to allow me to attend the training sessions.

Also, work is draining me. I try my best not to go to my usual seat at all, because the work there keeps appearing on the desk. I'm so fed up with getting everything thrown my way. There are other people who are responsible for it. Let them take care of the problem. Otherwise, let me have their paycheck.

It's only Monday, but all I want to do is go home and curl up on my bed, hide myself beneath the covers and drown out reality under a pillow.

Monday, September 8, 2003
12:12 p.m.

Change

Sometimes, I can't tell whether I'm a big fan of change, or otherwise. Its all part of being fickle minded. Some days are just so routine, you wish something different would happen. At other times, you find comfort in knowing your routine. Anything that would jeopardise the routine is considered the enemy.

I don't want to get too complacent. At the same time, I don't like life changing situations that make everything topsy-turvy. So what would I like? Hmmm, for everything to go my way. Yea, that'd be it.

Which brings me back to my current situation. Some changes are happening. I don't dislike the changes. It just gets me so very tired. I've been temporarily transferred to a different department for two months. Prior to this transfer, I've been helping out this department for at least 2 months. But this time, they want me to be stationed full time there. So I've move seats. It's not much of a change. I'm only sitting one floor above my old spot.

Maybe it's the staircase, maybe it's me. But moving around is exhausting. I'm supposed to be 100% assigned to this other department. The good thing is that I don't have to follow up on any of the other miscellaneous stuff (huzzah!). The bad thing is that most people don't know and they still keep coming to me with other things (boooo!). My plan is to complete the work that I received before the transfer. Anything after that can wait for 2 months (huzzah!). Good plan?

I just have this sudden urge to read the Cybele fic on Snarry and the Rubber Duckie aka The Bath Story. Cybele rules!

Thursday, September 4, 2003
02:29 p.m.