Of Nothing In Particular

Here I am. Sitting in the office. Not much in the mood for work.

Outside, it's raining. I dread the journey home, but am thankful for the group of people outstation and on leave.

Colleagues seated to the right and left of me. All seemingly busy with piles of paperwork stacked in front of their desks.

Out of the blue, an idea hits me.

HAM.

Mmmm, ham. Salty, cold, yummy ham. Ham sandwich. Turkey ham sandwich. Turkey ham sanwich with CHEESE.

I really need a holiday.

Friday, November 28, 2003
03:08 p.m.

I'll bet it's a Conspiracy

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this the Hari Raya week?

Then why are there SO MANY PEOPLE working?! They should all be on holiday! What is wrong with everyone? You're all supposed to be lazing at home!

I went for lunch today, and it was so incredibly packed. Imagine this- the food was sold out even before we finished our meal. In fact, the mixed rice stall had run out of rice even before I queued up to buy.

What are all these people doing here?!

The only thing that seems to be going right is the amount of traffic I encounter to and fro from the office. At least it's all smooth flowing, and I can get back home in about half an hour.

On the bright side, I won't be around when the full crowd goes back to work next week. I'll be on leave on Monday & Tuesday. YESSSSSSS!

Thursday, November 27, 2003
02:22 p.m.

Warning. Warning.

Another topic I've brushed on before. Authority. Can't stand it. Not only authority figures, I just can't stand it when people tell me what I should do. F*ck. I'm 22, and by now, I have a very good idea of what I should do and shouldn't do.

It's just some mechanism built into me. I'll rebel against these instructions they tell me. And no, reverse psychology does not work in this case. My brain will simply pick the things that it wants to rebel against. Don't ask me how this works.

I'm a relatively easy-going person. I normally don't argue, so most of the time, you don't see the chaos in my head. I can look calm, take everything, while all the time, it's just festering inside. Festering within the 90% of my subconscious mind.

Sure, this is unhealthy. It's VERY unhealthy. And I know it. But don't you just feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde sometimes?

On the outside, be nice agreeable Dr. Jekyl. Smile, even if you don't mean it. Nod your head. Make it look like you're OK.

And inside, Mr. Hyde will tell you just how much you hate everything. He'll tell you the things you could do to make it better. And sometimes, you take those suggestions. You break things. You slam doors, tear up documents. You hurt yourself.

I shouldn't listen to 'Mr. Hyde'. I shouldn't keep it all inside. I should have regular outbursts. Thing is, I don't. Perhaps, I can't. Especially with voicing out my personal problems. I just lose the words to express myself.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the verge of exploding. Go on a rampage. Run amok. Do something I might really regret. Let's just hope that never happens.

PS: The network is down. Again. It's perpetually PMS-ing.

Monday, November 24, 2003
02:28 p.m.

Shocker!

Yes! I've still got the ability to shock people.

I suppose that's a good thing. Like a superpower of sorts.

It's only right to maintain a professional posture at work. That means I do not act like a lunatic, in any way, while in the office. Note the 'office' bit. It's alright to loosen up if I'm not confined within the four walls of the building.

I've learnt (from previous mistake) not to act 22 at work.

Just the other day (when I O.D-ed on caffeine), I started to ramble to my supplier. Completely unintentional, of course. He asked if I was OK, but I'm quite sure that he thinks I'm partially mad now.

Oh well, can't please everyone.

That's just the worst part about working. I like being young. I like being 22. But in the office, you're not allowed to act like a kid, for obvious reasons.

But it's different when you're telling a kid NOT to act like a kid.

NOw, this is the part that ALWAYS gets to me. I may have complained about it before, and I will do so again.

I don't like the serious boring stuff. I don't like being grounded to the earth. Why can't they understand that? Stop telling me about reality. I'm not ready for it.

I'm 22, and I want to live like a 22-year old should.

At the same time, due to my work, I have business meetings. Here is where the conflict occurs. People don't take me seriously at such meetings. I don't even have to say anything. They just look at me and think I'm just a kid.

Who wants to look 40 anyway? :P

This is so frustrating! I just want to have some fun. But due to harsh reality, I have to work. And work is NOT fun. I'm torn between acting my age, and acting as a person twice my age.

... I don't seem to be articulating my thoughts in a proper and coherent manner. I seem to be talking in circles. Mainly caused by a landslide of horrid package submissions. I just want to go home and get some good solid rest. Even the holidays look so far away.

Friday, November 21, 2003
12:07 p.m.

No Longer Rehabilitated

There was a time I took coffee everyday. Back then, I was a state swimmer, and I took a cup of pure black coffee (without sugar) before a training session to increase my metabolism rate. A good way to lose weight. Not only that, at 5.45am, it's a good idea to take coffee.

And so, that was my first experience with coffee. Not exactly pleasant, you would say. Back then, there wasn't any lifestyle coffee here. And certainly not at 5.45am.

I quit swimming after SUKMA 1996, and stopped my caffeine intake. Didn't suffer withdrawal symptoms because I stopped waking up at that obscene hour of the morning. Also, my brain seemed to associate coffee with training. So, logic would say: "No training, no need coffee."

And later, in Form 5 or so, TJ took me for a cup of coffee at Coffee Bean. It was much better than the black glop I used to drink. Meanwhile Lil exposed me to Nescafe in a can. That was also better than the black glop I used to drink.

Slowly, I got reacquainted with coffee. It got me through the darkest hours of the night, helped me pull through my college projects and assignments. Kept me awake when I would have otherwise fallen asleep in class.

Still, I refused to be addicted, refused to rely on coffee.

Who was I kidding?

Due to mainly health reasons, I reduced, and eventually stopped taking caffeine at work. See, I'm a Leo, and based on horoscope-logic, my most vulnerable points are my heart and back. Too much caffeine made my heart beat irregularly and fast. Hence, I stayed off caffeine.

3 months down the road, it's looks like I'm fighting a losing battle. Lack of sleep and tiring days are driving me back to my old habits. I thought I was almost through, but the last 2 weeks have proven me wrong.

I love my coffee. I thrive on it. I need it.

What more can I say. Back to zero...

Waitaminute- there is something I can say. Adrian, This is all your fault! *pouts*

Edited at 11.25am.
My deepest condolences to Adrian, whose Aunt just passed away.
Let us all take a moment of silence.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003
11:00 a.m.

The Code

Now, I know I've been meaning to do this for ages. This is for all the people who call me at the office.

Calling me at the office is an excellent idea because it beats calling my cellphone. Cellphone calls are easily traceable, and they cost a lot more.

Unfortunately calling my desk means that I can't run off to a more comfortable environment for chit-chat (i.e. no (nosey) colleagues around the area). So, most of the time, I'm surrounded by these people and I can't complain about them at all.

Hence, there is a need for me to come up with a 'code' that will make all phone calls in the future easier.

The Code
Blue file: It's not a good time to talk. There is someone in front of me.

Red file: Nosey colleagues around. Am able to listen to rants, but unable to make much comment.

Files: Colleagues. If you hear me saying something like "Those 'files' are driving me crazy!", you know what I mean.

2 emails/ documents: Something just came up. Need to quickly finish it, and will probably get back to caller later.

And as Adrian says, 'Purple File' is when your house is on fire. =D

Yea, its a short list right now. Will probably expand the code later, as and when needed.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003
11:41 a.m.

Past to Present

I've been picking up quite a number of odd habits in the past few months. And yes, I have a new one to put up here on my blog.

Anyone like to use free email sms?

I do. Saves me a little bit and it's so much easier to type an sms on a keyboard rather than on a keypad. ESPECIALLY when you're typing addresses or other non-dictionary type words.

The bad part about these free messages is that they get delayed at times. A 30-sec delay is fine by me, but sometimes, they get delayed by HOURS. Or even a WHOLE day.

But I found out a very entertaining way to pass time with these delayed messages.

... I message myself.

Don't start laughing just yet. It's really quite fun. I'll just predict the moment I'll receive the SMS, and write things to my future self about what I'm thinking at the moment, or about what I think I'll be doing at that time.

Or I'll just wish myself 'Happy Holidays'.

Normally, I'll forget all about the sms until I receive it. After all, it could take up to 24 hours to receive it. And then when I do get the sms, it feels as though my past self is communicating with my present self. Simply wonderful.

Not quite time-travel, but close enough =)

Monday, November 17, 2003
10:47 a.m.

The LJ

Just been playing around with my LJ. Well, wrote my first entry there (which really isn't much). You can check it out here.

Right now, I'm not exactly sure what I want to do with the LJ. I really like the option of not sharing a particular entry with anyone. Thinking of using it for noting down my more private thoughts, and also for some random fangirl ranting...

Just watched the Harry Potter trailer. Thanks to Lil for the link. Draco certainly is starting to grow up. But I miss Lucius. I want MY Lucius. And of course, Snape is always a darling. Perhaps an evil darling, but a darling nonetheless.

All this talk of darlings makes me want to watch the Peter Pan movie! Jason Isaacs as MR. Darling, heeeeeeeeee.... Hanyan...

Friday, November 14, 2003
04:54 p.m.

Afraid of the Dark

I believe I've written something on the same topic before. But that doesn't change the fact on how 'things that go bump in the night' just spook me out.

I know it's silly. And everything can be rationalised. But my logic processors just seem to shut down after midnight. They completely stop working and everything feels like something out of a horror movie.

The wind will make things move. Y'know, curtains fluttering, calendars swaying, etc. And when your room has a fan, it's only natural that these things will happen.

Course, when I'm tired, all sorts of things pop into my head. It's a pity that the images are far from pretty. I keep thinking I'm seeing things. Like deformed yellow midget men, which are actually fire hydrants. Or the deformed face of a fetus crying, which was actually a hairclip on the back of someone's head.

And for these reasons, I have stopped watching horror movies. Why plant more grotesque images in my mind when my brain is doing such a great job on its own?

Thursday, November 13, 2003
11:55 a.m.

Don't Fall

You can see it. The great big chasm in front of you.

You can peer down it. One word sums up the 'scenery': Nothingness.

You know it. You've been there before. It wasn't very pleasant. That hasn't changed and you'd prefer not to re-sample the feeling.

It's just right in front of you, so Don't Fall.

--------

Edited 2.30pm

Here's a little something for Nina. It's Rutger Hauer's newsletter from his official website. It's about his involvement as the villian for an episode of Smallville.

FYI, for those who don't already know, Rutger Hauer was Anne Rice's first choice as Lestat. It's a pity he was too old for the role when the movie was made. Looking at his old photographs, I can certainly understand why she would choose him.

I would have chosen him myself.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003
02:13 p.m.

A Site To Call My Own

Firstly, I'd like to make an announcement:
I have my own domain! YESSSSSSSS!

Unfortunately, it's not ready yet. So, be patient. =)

Secondly, I have to say this:
THANK YOU, ADRIAN!!!

So, now I have to think of how to design the site... Flash? No flash? Color scheme? What should I put there? This means I have a blog, LJ AND a site to look after. How should I arrange everything?

Hmmm, that's something to ponder over the next few days.

I'm so glad my PC is repaired and at home. This means I'll get to work on the design at home too, instead of just in the office. Huzzah!

Monday, November 10, 2003
02:33 p.m.

I am SUCH a Geek

My computer has been REPAIRED! Huzzah! I took my poor baby home yesterday. After months of being sick, it's finally OK. Cost me quite a bit, but I'm hoping to split it with my bro .

In other news, Sony intends to release a PSP. It's SOOOOOO pretty! I want one! (did I just sound like a commercial?)

I have some pictures that compares the size of the PSP. I guess it would be more appropriate to post that in my Live Journal.

Yes, I have one. But it's not ready yet.

The PSP is about the size of GBA, but with a bigger screen. Ooooh, can just imagine bringing my lovely games with me. I feel incomplete already.

New Goal: PSP

I am SUCH a geek.

Saturday, November 8, 2003
09:58 a.m.

Ramblings of a Caffeine Resistant, Sleep Deficient Mind

It looks like a road...

It feels like a road...

Why don't you go and see if it tastes like a road?

Friday, November 7, 2003
12:52 p.m.

Self-Inflicted Misery

This is a bad habit which quite a number of us YCCians possess.

Speaking to TJ made me realise I've had this habit a lot longer than I thought I did.

Apparently, I've already started to bruise my knuckles back in secondary school. Gosh, I don't remember that at all. Neither do I remember the reason for causing the pain. It's really difficult to strain my memory right now as I have yet to get some coffee into my system.

Yes, yes, I know I claimed to have been rehabilitated. But that was when I didn't take lack of sleep into consideration. Better a palpitating heart than a non-functional brain.

Anyway, then came drinking and smoking.

Must admit, smoking didn't work out with me. I disliked the smell, and I got sinus for days. Sure that's a lot of uncomfortable-ness, but I didn't want the pain for prolonged periods of time. I just wanted to experience pain for the particular period in time.

Smoking also didn't work as it is highly traceable. It would be easily spotted by my mom, and the last thing I need is a lecture.

Pssst: Sorry 'bout the smoking habit, Boon.

Drinking on the other hand is fun. However, due to not-so-masochistic ambitions, I choose not to take foul tasting alcohols, beers included. I'll only drink pretty looking alchohols, which are most of the time, cocktails. Unfortunately, pretty and nice tasting drinks come in dainty little glasses for an obscene amount of money.

Hence, my next goal would be to go out there and get piss drunk. But of course, not let my mom find out because she would, obviously, be unhappy. And I would get a lecture.

There's just something about me with authorities. I call it, a problem.

Anyway, as you grow older, you find out about many other various ways to inflict self- misery. Sometimes, I just have to catch hold of myself before I seriously hurt me.

As Lestat would say, "I don't like myself, you know. I love myself, of course. I'm devoted to myself till my dying day. But I don't like myself."
Taken from the book 'Memnoch the Devil'.

I'm like that. I hate pain. But sometimes, I dislike me even more. And so, I inflict misery on me. The pain makes me remember that I actually love me, even if I don't like me. Does this make any sense?

Meet narcissitic me.

Y'know what? This does not relate to self-inflicted misery.

I'll stop here. It is obvious that the workday coffee I took is not doing its job very well.

Perhaps I should fire it.

Friday, November 7, 2003
11:47 a.m.

Suede is Brilliant

They really are. I swear!

I've just listened to Suede's latest single, 'Attitude'. I love it!

And my Brett darling is a brunette. *huggles* Simply listening to this song gives me the impression that all will be well with the world.

Brett should always be a brunette. Mmmm... brunette Brett. Mmmm, dark chocolate Brett... ehehehehe...

//hanyannnnnnnnn//

Y'know, after listening to 'Attitude' I'm more OK with Alex replacing Neil. I understand that Neil is ill and is unable to contribute towards the band, but damn, he was SO hot.

*sniff*

But now, I have to admit, Alex's influence on the band is good too. So, all is forgiven.

It's strange how I hold these grudges against people who I don't even know. Like how I'm anti Stuart Townsend because he is SO NOT Lestat. That, and the fact that the producers COMPLETELY RUINED THE BOOK/ SCRIPT.

Then again, Tom Cruise wasn't Lestat either. And although they tried to follow the script, I still bitched about it so much. I remember holding the book in one hand, while watching the movie. And promptly pointing out every line and scene that did not appear in the book.

That annoyed Alan to no end. I don't think we even finished watching the movie...

Wouldn't it be nice if I could have a hot, sexy Goblin King who would live up to my every expectation? Course, I'd better have my mind on the right things. As noted in Hani's Honey, 90% of our mind is gullible. I hate to think about the deep dark thoughts lurking beneath the surface.

Just look at what I dream about. Refer to previous entry.

Anyway, I'm deviating from my topic, but isn't that our YCCian trademark?

OK, OK, will stop deviating now. =)

I want Suede love now. TJ help! I wanch the video!

Sudden realisation: It just hit me. My ideal job would be maintaining the official Suede site. Whoa...

Thursday, November 6, 2003
10:43 a.m.

Reality Bites

And so does non-reality.

Had another less-than-happy dream again last night.

I was driving home from work and taking my usual route. Somehow, I ended up driving through a small village by the river. It was one of those 'tanah liat' roads, without tar, and it was right next to the river.

And the children played around them as though they were nothing at all.

Just for the record, reality sucks. I'm better off making my own not-quite reality.

Wednesday, November 5, 2003
09:32 a.m.

Wireless Broadband?

My office installed wireless broadband about 2 weeks ago. When it started, it was beautiful. Not kidding, I was IN LOVE with it. Imagine... Lovely downloading speeds of about 85k per second. BEAUTIFUL.

2 weeks down the road, and I'm not so sure anymore. Wireless broadband is SO unstable. Is it always like that, or is it just my office? I checked with my colleague, and he keeps pointing everything at the supplier, so I really can't tell.

I also haven't been able to receive outside emails since Friday. Hell, the whole company hasn't received emails from the world outside since Friday. Big gomen to all the people who email my company email address.

Supposedly, we've signed a contract with the service provider and they are able to log in to our server to perform 'maintenance'.

Problem?

They like to mess around with our settings, change the passwords and only tell us later. So there I was, with my colleague, sitting in the server room, wondering which joker had changed the password. Well, it's none other than our not-so-friendly service provider! Wow.

Question:

I know its silly, but does the rain affect the service? It rained yesterday, and then, no Internet. I know it shouldn't be affected, but then again, look at Astro. Can anyone explain this to me?

Tuesday, November 4, 2003
10:43 a.m.