Irregularity

Ladies get it once a month. Give or take. Some women get it as late as 8 weeks once. Mine comes as late as 10 weeks. Very unpredictable. Though its true the total times I suffer per year is lesser compared other women, the levels which I endure are greater. I'm suffering now. The last time I suffered was at the end of January. You can imagine. Not good at all. Nevermind the details. It's Friday and my bf just told me its 'Good Friday'. No meat day. Can I survive without meat today? Gaaaaahhh. Well, I won't be eating meat for breakfast or lunch anyway, so I'll just have to skip meat for dinner.

The weekend is so close, I can almost smell it. Almost. But not quite. I've still got at least half a day more to survive at work. I feel so drained now.

Announcement

The comments work. Yay!

Many thanks to Yu San and Fabs who help me with the code and with the checking of the webpage, when my browser couldn't load. ^-^ Arigato!

Er... comment please, people?

What Happened to KL?!

I managed to get my bf to take a drive to KL. Just a road trip. Sightseeing. No actual shopping. I didn't know what a depresssing trip it was going to be.

The highlight of KL, is of course, Petaling Street. Ok, and the Golden Triangle. We went about 9p.m. It was surprising how empty the streets were. It wasn't completely deserted, but you could say there was only about 50% of the usual crowd in the Golden Triangle. It still looked quite OK.

It was Petaling Street that really got to me. It was DESERTED. EMPTY. Prolly only 20% of the normal crowd. What was worse was the actual street, THE Petaling Street itself was CLOSED. Closed, as in, walled up, as in walled up like a construction site. *sniff* And there was even a tractor behind those sheets of metal that they used to close the street!!! There was a truckload of DBKL people (sitting in the truck) looking at the closed street.

Oh, this is so heart-wrenching. *sob sob*

Not only that, S&M Shopping Arcade was COMPLETELY closed, at 9.45 at night. Not wasn't semi-closed, or closing, just totally closed. All closed. No lights. Front entrance closed. No people.

What's going to happen to my anime?! My ANIME!!! Why?! Why?! WHHHYYYYYYYY????!!!!!

Labyrinth

I kinda ordered Labyrinth some time ago, in a moment of insanity. I didn't exactly say:
"I want Labyrinth! Now! Now! Now!"
Rather, I said:
"Do you have Labyrinth?"

They just called me. They ordered it. It's sitting at the shop right now. Waiting for me. To pick it up.

How much is it?

IT'S A BLOOMIN' RM139.00!!!!!!!
Aaaaaahhhh! Aaaaaahhhhh! I'm freaking out! I am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! Expensive! Expensive!!! What now? How? How? Aaaaaaaahhh!!!!

Couldn't they have told me before ordering it? Oh no! Oh no! What to do? I want it, but I don't want to pay RM140 for it! Aaaaahhhh!

Please don't pay any attention to the comments thingy below. It doesn't work. Yet. I know the problem. I just haven't figured a way to rectify it.

Computers and All Things Wonky

Having a bad day with computer-related things. There's the server, which is gone, gone, gone. And then, there's the comment thingy on my blog, which I can't see, so I can't tell what's wrong with it. Totally impossible to debug, without being able to see output. Bleh. Not to mention the dozens of calls I'm getting about emails and network connections. It's enough to drive me nuts!

It would probably be easier to deal with the server if I KNEW WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON WITH IT! Nobody tells me anything! And then, when something crops up, they go, "Oh, let's just throw this one to Sin." Gaaaaah, I don't even know what server is sitting on top of the problematic one. And just how problematic is the problematic server? Well, how serious do you consider a 'Hard disk not detected' problem?!!!

I just want to swear. I want to swear a lot, a Lot, A LOT! I'd like to kill something too, while I'm swearing.

The strangest song popped into my head when I was troubleshooting the server. I can't remember most of it, except this phrase:
'What do you do with a broken server?' - sung to the tune of 'What do you do with a drunken sailor?'
Let's see now:
a) kick it
b) thrash it
c) smash it
d) throw it overboard
e) all of the above

Benefits of Green Tea

Could it be the green tea? I've been taking green tea every afternoon since the past week. I've not been as cranky in the afternoons and not as tired in the evenings, though tired eyes don't count- they could be a result of too much air-con. Having green tea yesterday surely helped my horrid headache. =)

Found a very nice article about green tea. Ok, the article is a little old, but look at all the wonderful things it says about green tea. Not only that, its yummy too. So now, I officially love two types of tea, Chinese Tea (I'm not sure which one, but the one with chrysentinum smells is nice) and Japanese Green Tea. I'm not really into Japanese Rice Tea- that one tastes/ smells weird to me. And I'm not into Bubble Tea (Nina, don't kill me) or other types of sweet tasting tea. Including mamak teh tarik.

I find that green tea has a somewhat calming effect. It's unlike coffee, which gives me a quick spurt of energy. Coffee gives me the willpower to start the day, when I want to do nothing more than go curl up in my bed and sleep. Unfortunately, coffee makes me get all hyper, and I end up getting really really tired in the evening. Hence, coffee is my morning drink, and green tea, my afternoon drink. Green tea gives me some level of sanity =)

This makes me wonder...
Question: If I take coffee in the mornings, and green tea in the afternoons, when do I drink the required 8 glasses of plain water?

Revenge of the 'Hours I Spent Not Sleeping'

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. I feel like I have a clamp (unfortunately not CLAMP) over my temples, and it's just squeeezing my brain in. The monitor radiation sears through my brain as though it were a flamethrower.

I've really got to recover that lost sleep. OUCH!

It's Still Missing

Ever get the feeling that something is missing from your life? I've got that void with me. I can't tell what it is. It usually strikes when I'm alone in my room, or when I just wake up from sleep. I wonder, why the bout of melancholy? I won't even try to go into the details of all the possible things I'm melancholic about (which aren't all that many, but enough to get me blue)

My eyes are incredibly tired, and the mere act of staring at the white computer screen makes me feel as though the monitor's radiation is burning up my brain cells. Maybe its the hours I spent watching a lot of anime and not catching up on sleep. I'd like to rant more, but my brain doesn't want to. It wants an MC. Yes, its really quite difficult to think in this condition.

Out of curiousity, I've added-some trackers into my blog (I'm still testing them trackers) to see where I get traffic, or even if I get traffic. We learn something new everyday-
People actually come to my blog to learn about SARS or SARS paranoia. I suppose I must have ranted quite a bit on the topic. I do wonder what they hoped to learn when visiting this blog. =) Were my entries enlightening in any way?

Wild Imagination

I try to keep it in 'normal' levels most of the time, but sometimes, my imagination will run amok. Your own imagination, used as a weapon against you. Tsk tsk. Trying to suppress whats running through my thoughts is as futile as trying not to think about the pink elephant. Stupid damn pink elephant!

Especially at night, combined with paranoia, my imagination breaks loose. Couldn't help but think that there was something at the nape of my neck last night. Something breathing down my neck. Annoying bugger of a thought, that one. Pretty difficult to squash. However, due to lethargy (since I haven't slept well in days), I had no trouble sleeping at night. Hurray for fatigue!

SARS really REALLY bothers me! IT SUCKS! I HATE SARS (excuse me for sounding like a brat)!!! It's a horrid disease! It's a stupid disease! I want it to GO AWAY! *kicks and punches violently at the air*

Why does SARS suck so much? Of course, everyone hates it. No one wants to get it. But its unfair- it only takes ONE idiot to do something stupid and you get it. For instance, you take real good care about what you eat for lunch at work, and some brainless colleague goes to eat the most unhygienic food they can find. What happens? The whole office is in risk. Why should I even bother in that case? I might as well go out and eat whatever the hell I want to eat.

SARS *ucking sucks.

I want my anime. D'ya hear me?! I WANT MY ANIME!!!

Paranoia Bites

Before I begin the actual entry, just would like everyone to know that I've corrected the links in the previous entry. Forgot one bit of the html, whoops! So now ALL OF YOU can go see how wonderful Lestat looks in manga art! =D

I admit. I'm jumpy. I'm paranoid. Again. I was fine in the day. But I started to hear 'things' at night. The first sound that triggered my paranoia was when I was playing with Max (my dog). It was past 10pm and my parents were upstairs, asleep. I heard a door open, directly behind me. That's strange for 2 reasons:
1) Doors have different types of sounds when they open. There's the 'click' type, the 'whoosh' type, etc. No door downstairs open with that kind of sound.
2)It sounded like my own room door.
Automatically, I jumped. Max looked to the back of me as well. He didn't howl or anything, but he had this odd look.
That was it. I started to majorly freak out.

Called Fabs, and asked him whether he could get me a blessed cross at his church. Gosh, I do hope they sell blessed crosses. Never realised how the 2 clocks downstairs were so LOUD! They didn't tick together quite simultaneously. And when you're high on anxiety and paranoia, they can sound quite DEAFENING!

Heart pounding. Pulse racing. Eyes darting. I think I looked quite the madman. Gave bf a call and told him everything. He told me to calm down, and gave me a whole theory of how ghosts are more afraid of people. So I should be more brave. Easier said than done. I relaxed a little as I watched Spin City.

Before I slept, I thought I heard someone say something like 'Nien'. A child or girl. Couldn't sleep. Called bf again. He gave the pep talk. I huddled nervously under the covers, praying every now and then. I woke up a couple of times in the night. There was another time I thought I heard something else. That kept me awake for quite awhile too. 0_o

Now, I lack sleep and I have to work. Being paranoid blows. I want to sleep. Peacefully without interruptions. I want to sleep throughout the night, without waking up suddenly, with my eyes wide open, trying to see if there's anything weird in my room. The more I think of it, the more crazy I think I sound. But I'm sure many people hear sounds that aren't there. Especially when you're tired. I sometimes hear sounds, like a family member calling my name. It's easier though, when you hear sounds that are comprehensible.

There's a fine line between being in-tune with your spiritual side, and just being a mental case. Right now, I don't want to be either.

My Insatiable One

I suppose that's me. It's probably a human condition, that no one gets fully satisfied, ever. As soon as you achieve one goal, it's no longer important. Funny isn't it? Right now, as I'm typing this entry, I forget why I chose this topic. I want something, I can't remember what it is. I know I want it though. I'll probably recognise it when I see it.

Hurray, no more unseen, evil things bothering me. But I can't seem to get a decent night's worth of sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes for no good reason. That's why my eyes feel so strained. I think I was whining about it yesterday to Fabs. I can't believe I haven't realised the reason. Lack of good rest at night has also caused me to be thoroughly drained by the end of the day. Really should try to rest earlier, and not be distracted by TV. =P

Ooooh, I've also found the MOST delightful Lestat/ Vampire chronicles fanart site. TJ and San agree with me. Yay! Try visit this site: Dany and Dany . They have very good fanart (manga style!) Lestat looks SOOOO kawaii!!! Check out the chibi section under FanArt.
Caution to homophobes: Certain sections of this site contains Yaoi pictures, so just avoid those sections if you're not comfortable with 'em.
I was so happy yesterday looking at all the fanart!!! Happy! Happy!

The SARS disease spreading worldwise is such a downer. I can't go anywhere! That could be the reason why I WANT something. I badly want to go to KL. I want to go anime shopping. I want to buy Magic Knight Rayearth! What if some other anime maniac braves KL despite the crowd and possible contamination? Then he/she might get the set! NOOOOOO!!! I want! My bf won't let me go there cause if I get sick, my dad will ber VERY unhappy. Sigh. I wish we could just get some perks out of this- such as not having to go to work. Then again, I wouldn't want the situation to get THAT serious.

Sigh. It's killing me. I want something. What is it that I want? Argh!

Speed of Light

Well, not exactly, but my office computer has been upgraded to 512Mb SD133 RAM! Yes!!! I know it ain't DDR RAM, but who cares?! It's 512Mb worth of RAM! I can now REALLY multi-task. I can choose to load my computer with multiple heavy programs at once! It doesn't go all laggy with Photoshop and Illustrator together!

Aside from that, I've just gotten the urge to listen to Harry Connick Jr.'s 'It Had To Be You'. It's so difficult to locate downloadable mp3s, without having to install kazaa or something similar.

Work is bleh. Bridget Jones is right. When one part of your life starts to work out, another part will surely start to crumble. While my sanity is returning to me, my work is starting to give me headaches. I can't believe that the staff would not records the details of the notebook that she lends out to 'certain' staff. So far, its just the hot-swappable drive that's missing, at least it ain't too bad.

We'll definitely have to charge for the item. And I guess it should fall on the sub-con (whose staff did not never told me about it!). Did she hope I would never find out? She really should have reported it, at least we could try to track down the item!!! I find it annoying that she takes it so calmly. She's only lucky they aren't billing her, although I'm not so sure her boss would do the same thing.

So, I'm being a little bitchy right now. Beats paranoia.

Time to start a proper recording system for the helpdesk. The hardest part about it is that I'm not only dealing with the helpdesk, I'm dealing with multiple other projects all at once. Sometimes, it drives me really crazy.

Paranoid Android

Silly as it may sound, I was paranoid pretty much the whole of yesterday. Things were getting pretty weird as well. Everytime I had a serious conversation with a colleague (which requires me to look them in the eye), their faces seemed to ... well, distort. At first, it just changed a little bit. But the longer I stared, the more distorted it got. Let's see, there was this lady, with whom I was talking to. Suddenly, she started to look like an elf (which is good because elves are pretty), and then, she started to look like an elf mix uruk-hai. And she kept making this face, where she'd stick her upper teeth on her lower lip. I blinked, but the vision didn't go away. It stayed. I was talking to an elf/uruk-hai lookalike. I blinked again, and it was still there. She'd probably think I was crazy, with all that blinking and frowning.

Not only that, I started to realise things about people, which I'd never really noticed before. Like, "Wow, this guy has a really huge forehead". I stopped looking at people after awhile. Didn't look them straight in the eye when talking. Made it easier to carry out a conversation. I didn't even dare look myself in the mirror. All I keep getting is this mental image from the movie 'Evil Dead', whereby my reflection would be alive. And it'd grin at me. Maliciously. Or, maybe, it'd reach out for me, from within the mirror, and strangle me. Ack!

Started to hear noises too. Not a lot, thankfully. Just enough to get me going nuts. I thought I heard someone knocking on my door last evening. But that's strange, cause my parents were downstairs. I just unlatched the door, and bolted out the other door. Gosh, and you think you'd be over this stage by the time you're 18.

Good news is, I'm not so fidgety today. I managed to sleep well last night, and I think I don't look like a raving maniac just yet.

Vicious Cycle

On Friday, I was happy. And happiness can take up quite some energy, especially when you're ranting a lot. By the time work ended, I was tired. It was the worst kind of tired, whereby being happy makes you not even realise you're using all your energy until its too late. Exactly how tired was I?

On the way home, I misread the following phrase: Baby in Car as Be Gay in Car. 0_o Yea, I really had to blink and shake my head at that. So, too much slash does make your head go Whoooooh! And after that, I went to Pyramid for dinner. Had spaghetti at Cable Car Cafe. It only costs RM11.90 there, and its better than the one at Delifrance or Secret Recipe. Somehow, it didn't strike me as particularly good that day. There was extra sauce (just the way I like it), but it lacked meat. Red meat, to be exact. I couldn't help but look mournfully at my bf's meal (which was a mixed grill). Have decided to order mixed grill or steak next time.

By the end of the night, I was completely drained. I lay on my bed, very much like a vegetable, while I called up Fabs who was at San Fran with Julie & JQ. Whined to them about my sorry state. And then went to sleep. For a glorious 12 hours and more! =D

Saturday was pretty normal. Nothing much happened. I went to Summit and found my Wonder Boys dvd, the one with Robert Downey Jr =D . He plays a homosexual there, and hits on Tobey Mcguire's character. Heheh. Twas pretty OK. Hmmm, that's odd... I don't seem to remember much of Saturday...

Sunday. Sunday was one of the worst days I can ever remember. I was so spooked, I didn't dread Monday. Here's what happened:

This is the third time something like this has happened to me. The first time it happened, I was eight. And I never forgot about it. IT is the reason I never leave my hands in the open when I sleep. It's always closed, either I hide my hands under the pillow or clutch my blanket, etc. But my palms are never exposed. The experience is fresh in my memory. I remember tossing and turning and kicking a lot as a child. I'd sleep with my head on the pillow, but my whole sleeping position would be completely different when I woke up. I used to get scolded a lot (since I slept with my parents back then).

It was one rare night that my parents didn't scold me as I tossed around. And I really took advantage of it. Until sometime near morning, I woke up and I realised something was wrong. I couldn't move. Not an inch. I tried to move. I felt as though there was something that wasn't human, lying next to me. Holding my hand. Holding my palm that was exposed. You know the feeling when you hold someone's hand, it just fits there. And that was the feeling of terror that gripped me when I lay there, paralysed. My father, who was sleeping next to me had no clue. My mom had already gone out for her morning exercise.

I couldn't open my eyes. And it wouldn't let go of me. Frightened, I muttered a nervous prayer in my head and it left me. From then on, I never tossed and turned again. And I always kept my palms to myself. It didn't happen for so many years, it felt like some lost childhood memory. Just something you'd tell your friends as an 'experience'.

So, I've heard scientific explanations of this occurence. It seems that your brain isn't fully awake, that's why you can't seem to move. It made sense. Until IT happened to me again. I think it was about 6 months ago, or so. This time, it was partially my fault.

I was a little bored, and taking a short nap at my bf's. Being bored, I decided to 'let' myself be open. I didn't think anything would happen. But almost instantaneously, it came, like a rush. The immobilization. The cold wave, that hits you as you are unable to move. The sounds that came pouring into my head, despite the sound of crashing water at my ears. I heard people. More than one. The sounds I remember the most was someone crying, and someone vomiting. I think it was female. I can't be too sure. I tried to speak. My lips twitched, but my voice seemed caught in my throat.

I tried to open my eyes, but couldn't even do that. Finally, some sound managed to escape from my throat and my bf woke me up. He said I was twitching and having a bad dream. That wasn't it. I told him the whole story. He told me it was OK, and probably a dream. This happened about twilight. I wasn't as scared because I knew I LET it happen. I promised myself, I'd never do it again.

That wasn't the case with yesterday. I didn't let my guard down. It was more aggressive this time.

I was having a nap at my bf's place. Not completely asleep. And then, I heard a voice, saying something I couldn't understand. It was one, long, incomprehensible word, which I think, started with an 'F'. I immediately opened my eyes and looked around. No one could have said it. My bf was fast asleep. It didn't feel right. I told my brain, such a joke wasn't funny.

And then it hit me again. The cold wave as though all my goosebumps were standing on its end. The paralysis. The sound of rushing water in my ears. I could feel it this time. I can't remember whether it said anything. I tried to call out. As I thought, nothing would come out. My lips would twitch, but no sound would come. I tried about 3 times. And then it seemed to close in on me. The worst part was when it mimic-ed me. I could hear it in my head. It cried "Alan". It said his name in my voice. In my head.

I realised, it wasn't going to let me go just like that. It wasn't going to let me call out. Frantically, I said a prayer. I prayed and prayed. And then it left. And I could get up. No more dull sound of crashing water in my ears. No more coldness. No more foreign pressence. Just me.

I woke him up. And we went to church after that. I did a bit of praying. I haven't gone to church in ages. I dabbed my finger in some holy water. It brought a little comfort, but the eerieness did not leave me. I plan to get a cross soon. And plan to get the cross blessed by a priest. I guess I've always been able to feel a little more than others. I used to see them when I was a child, though I don't anymore (whew!)

I couldn't sleep last night. I held on to my blanket and pillow tight. I kept waking up, because I didn't want to let my guard down. Despite it being so hot, I refused to let go of my blanket. I feel safe beneath it. The vicious cycle starts once more. I am at work. I do not have enough sleep. I feel so paranoid right now. I keep getting horrible images in my mind, that I'll see a mirror version of myself, grinning evilly back at me. So much so, I've been avoiding mirrors. I hope to sleep tonight- Peacefully. I need to regain some sanity.

PS: On a brighter note, I did a little DVD shopping yesterday. I now have 'The Dark Crystal' on DVD. TJ is furious with envy! =D