Seiji, to the bitchcave!

Because C&C does not mean "Compliment & Clamp yourself to the author's backside like an amorous leech" ...

Because fanfic writers think that SpellChecker hinders their "style" ...

Because fanfics should be written by real fans instead of pimpin' fangirls who use a series to boost their popularity ...

Because fanfic writers think that their "grammer" is "perfect enough already" ...

Because some people think that plagiarism is a tribute ...

Because fanfics should not be written by people whose only knowledge of a series comes from other fanfics ...

Because I can ...

archive

some follow-up comments
I posted a toned-down version of the previous C&C to the ml that the fic was originally posted on. Considering the amount of "WAIIIIII!!!! I LUV IT!!" that the fic had received, I was surprised how well the ml responded to the C&C. (No flames yet.)

I want to comment on a couple of the responses because they reveal the mind set among fic readers which encourages widespread desensitization to mediocre--and atrocious--fics.

I think they C&Ced this poor fic to death. There's such thing as a writer's style that makes them unique. And yes, look past the proofreading for once.

I did not intend to kill this fic. I spent hours on the C&C because I was trying to prove to a friend that this fic could be saved. It was "dead on arrival" in our in boxes, but I thought it could be resuscitated.

There is such a thing as a writer's style. Spelling mistakes and blatant grammatical errors are not properly an element of that style. If writers want to excuse lazy editing because it is part of their style, they should be aware of what that reveals about themselves. "Style not only reveals the spirit of the man but reveals his identity, as surely as would his fingerprints." (from the 3rd edition of Strunk and White's Elements of Style) I cannot deny a writer's right to announce his or her laziness to the world. I regret to say that there is nothing unique about the "style" of littering fics with mistakes--spend an hour at fanfiction.net if you don't believe me.

I will not look past the proofreading; too many readers do that already.

Another response addressed the author of the fic:

[Name Omitted], >I< really like your fic. Your grammer wasn't that bad I noticed it. To me, that's pretty good. Some authors' grammer is ATROCIOUS. Your writing has a tone and _feeling_ to it that I really enjoy. If your were to edit the writing structure to "perfection," I think that would be lost.

(Perhaps you did not notice the grammar mistakes because you do not know how to spell "grammar.")

It is a sad state of affairs when "it wasn't that bad" is a compliment. Yes, there are atrocious fics on the net, but I would not waste my time C&Cing them. I thought that the fic had a cute idea behind it and it was a shame that the author was so careless with her idea. As readers and as writers, let's not accept mediocrity at the expense of greatness.

I believe that perfection is not attainable. Judging a fic will always be subjective. Some author's styles will appeal to us more than others. This author's unique voice--which that reader enjoyed so much--would not have been lost if she had edited her fic. She could only have made her voice clearer.

The same person also commented:

Besides, when someone admires a phrase or segment of wording they noticed elsewhere, they tend to reuse it. Hell, I do that a bunch. ^^ I liked the wording, I'll pay tribute and spread it around, ne?

Ah, you are walking so close to the line which separates acceptable behavior from plagiarism. Do be careful, my friend.

Now, some comments from the fic's author:

Anyway, I do pay attention to the grammer C&Cs so that I can change them before I post it in my pg since my grammer kinda sucks (but I don't often do that coz I found out most readers understand the gist of what I'm saying anyway ^^;;;).

Most readers are not imbeciles. They can understand the gist of what you are saying. Nonetheless, most readers read for the pure enjoyment of it. Every time they notice a mistake that could have easily been corrected, every time they have to pause and reread something to figure out what you meant to say, you are lessening their enjoyment of the fic. Do you really want to do that?

But in this type of fic where I allow my funny bones to just go crazy I find the need to exaggerate the characterization to fit my idea, so I apologise if I've offended ID fans for basterdising their favourite characters.

If you find yourself exaggerating a character a lot to fit your plot, you need to consider writing original fiction. Fan fiction is highly character driven--and as you've learned, fans don't like to see their favorites distorted beyond recognition.

Okay, enough with that. I have some solicted C&C's to work on... and a plagiarist to barbeque.

05:12 p.m., Monday, December 17, 2001 ~Seiji

If you haven't bothered to proof it, don't post it to a mailing list.
This fic was in my in-box. Sometimes honest C&C hurts--and, sometimes, something about a fic makes you twitch so much, that you have to be a bitch. In this case, it was the fic's warning that set me off.

This C&C is rude to make a point: it is rude to post unedited fics. It's time for us all to remember this.

Title: Untitled
Rating: PG (yaoi)
Author: (name removed to leave the author some dignity)
Disclaimers: ID Not mine.
Warnings: Not proof-read.

Read that warning again. Arghh! *twitch twitch*

A comment to everyone about common courtesy: If you haven't bothered to proof-read your fic, DO NOT post it to a mailing list.

If you don't think well enough of your work to give it even a minimal amount of polish, why should anyone else think well enough of it to bother reading it? It makes me long for the days before e-mail. In the old days, if I had received a fic in the mail with such a warning, I could have at least used the paper to line a bird cage--sending a un-proofed e-fic to the trash folder is not nearly as satisfying.

Surely, you must have friends that could proof your work if you are not capable of proofing. If not, at least don't tell us that you haven't bothered to proof your writing. People will look more favorably on you if they pity you, because--even after trying your best--your writing sucks. People may pity idiots, but not rude idiots who fill their mailboxes with trash.

Unedited writing is trash. Even the best writers need to edit their work.

Takumi was bored. Bored. Bored. Bored.

Are you aware that a fic has already been posted to this list with the same opening line? (Except it was Takahashi Keisuke who was bored.) I double-checked because there was something familiar about that opening. It's message 268. (That fic is also posted on Cys's site. If you go to check it out, be aware that Cys rated it NC-17.) I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because it could be a coincidence, but I strongly suggest rewriting this with another opening line.

Similarity to the other fic aside, this opening does not lead well to bulk of your story. The fic could be much stronger if it moved more quickly to Takumi's interaction with the other drivers.

Not that it hurt to show because 1) his normal facial expression covered that part for him & 2) his friend looked about as bored as he was.

1) The friend doesn't get mentioned again, so he should be cut out. It's a good rule of thumb not to introduce any minor--or totally superfluous--characters in the second complete sentence of a fic. Your readers are going to expect you to do something with the characters you first mention. Giving readers expectations that are not resolved is an exceedingly good way to set them against you and make them read the rest of the fic more critically.

2) You're writing fiction here, not a review or a school paper, so get rid of the "1)... 2)" They simply do not belong here. Same goes for the ampersand. (That's the "&", if you don't know.)

3) I won't even get into what an awkward sentence this is, but could you explain to me why this couldn't simply say, "Not that it showed, because his normal expression was boredom"?

When his shift to man the Lost and Found booth was over, he breathed a sigh of relief.

*cringes at "to man"* There's nothing technically wrong with this, I just don't like the phrase. To "un-man" somebody is to castrate him, so to "man" someone must involve surgery or a strap-on. Yes, "manning a booth" is something that people really say and do, but that doesn't mean there isn't a better way to say it. When his shift at the 'Lost and Found' booth was over, he breathed a sigh of relief.

One can only stand being fooled thrice and that was because he wasn't informed of the pranksters who like to make people like him search for something that they haven't really lost.

I will ignore for a moment that I think the fic could be improved greatly by cutting the entire 'Lost and Found' scene, and just say that this is one of the most convoluted sentences I have ever read. If you want to keep this scene, this sentence needs help--so much help, that I cannot figure out how to change it and keep it anything like your original sentence.

"Um, excuse me."

Takumi turned around and saw a little boy peeping over the counter with a hesitant expression on his small chubby face.
"H-have you seen my mommy?"

1) I thought "peeping" was an activity confined to dirty old men named Tom and to baby chickens. Try "peeking" or "peering." Also: Unless it is a very common adjective string--such as "dirty old men"--you need to be using commas between those adjectives--"small, chubby face."

2) The way that sentence is constructed, it could be understood as saying that Takumi has a hesitant expression on his small, chubby face. To avoid confusion, adjectival and adverbial phrases need to be placed close to what they modify. Takumi turned around and saw a little boy with a hesitant expression on his small, chubby face peering over the counter. Placing the descriptive phrases closer to what they modify will also help you better judge when something is being over-described.

"Umm... what does she looked like?" Takumi asked, leaning over the counter to talk to him better.

1) /look like/

2) There's a lot of "over the counter" going on here. Since the boy was just peeping/peering/peeking "over the counter", consider cutting the second "over the counter." When one phrase keeps popping up, it's time to consider more variety.

"She's about this tall, and she has curly hair, her dress is red with little flowers..."

A little child could never make a gesture tall enough to indicate his mother's height--unless his mother is a dwarf. Children do point at things, though. "She's about that tall," he said, pointing to a sign/another person/a whatever. "And she has..."

And while the little boy was busy laying out his mother's ###characterstics### not forgetting to mention that his mother smells of jasmine or fried onion as times, Takumi's supervisor came in, guessed what was happening and gave the AE86 driver a smack on the head.

1) Wow, I knew that boy was a baby chicken! He's laying characteristics like they were eggs right there on the sidewalk. Just let the boy "describe" his mother. Simple language is almost always best, especially when writing about a child.

2) Too much is happening in this sentence. Break it up or punctuate it differently. We already know that the boy is little, so you can cut that out. Also, the supervisor doesn't need to guess what is happening, it is pretty obvious. While the boy described his mother--not forgetting to mention that she smelled like jasmine and fried onions at times--Takumi's supervisor came in, saw what was happening, and smacked the AE86 driver on the head.

3) Anything between ###...### is something you and your spell checker need to deal with. They are the words my spell checker caught. I'm not going to spell them for you.

"It~eeee...."

Let this be your new mantra: "If you are writing a fic in English, assume that your readers only know English." Come on, try it! Repeat after me. "If you are writing a fic in English, assume that your readers only know English."

"Baka," the man sighed, "Send him over to the information centre and have them announce the missing kid on the speakers."

1) People don't sigh words. "Baka." The man sighed. "Send him..."

2) "Baka" has got to be in the top three of overused fan girl Japanese.

3) Repeat after me. "If you are writing a fic in English, assume that your readers only know English."

"Oh," Takumi blinked, before he walked around the counter to pick the little boy up as the man continued to speak.

1) People don't blink words--unless they are extremely skilled at Morse code, and even then, wouldn't it be a waste of effort? Most of the people you would be trying to communicate with would not recognize it as Morse code. They would think you had something in your eyes or an odd medical condition.

2) Just cut out the man continuing to speak, because we'll read him doing so in a moment. "Oh." Takumi blinked, before walking around the counter to pick up the boy.

"What do you think we could do? Put the kid on the shelves with the hopes that his mother would see him?" asked the supervisor in sarcasm.

1) I should hope we know that is sarcasm without you telling us so.

2) For one child to be on multiple shelves... does that require amputation?

3) Children's books often use a construction like "'Bow-wow' says the dog." In any other case, "the supervisor asked" is preferable to "asked the supervisor."

4) Use "should" instead of "could." "What do you think we should do? Put the kid on a shelf in hope that his mother will see him?" the supervisor asked.

The look on the 18 year old's face said that he had indeed contemplated on that idea.

1) Whose point of view are you writing in, hon? It started in Takumi's p.o.v., but there's no way in hell Takumi could see the look on his own face--unless he's at the special 'Lost and Found' booth inside the House of Mirrors. Takumi had indeed contemplated that idea.

2) Unless it is a special case, such as "AE86", numbers under 100 should be written out--and often numbers over one hundred as well. The "eighteen-years-old's face" is very awkward, and that's a clue that if you want to stick someone's age in a fic you should find another way to do it.

The supervisor shook his head. Takumi was a lost cause. He thought his friend had a good sense of character when he recommended the boy to him. /Yuuichi must be getting old./

1)Why are you writing this? The supervisor is an inconsequential character. Don't give him more importance by putting us in his head. There are better ways of letting us know elsewhere in the fic that Yuuichi got him this job.

2) It should be "He thought his friend was a good judge of character." A good "sense of character" is something that discerning fanfic readers everywhere wish that all fanfic authors had.

By the way, why did you include this entire scene? It has the potential to be cute but it adds nothing to the rest of your fic. Your fic is about drivers hitting on Takumi while he is working at an amusement park. The once-mentioned-and-never-seen-again friend does not hit on Takumi in this scene. The little boy and the supervisor didn't hit on him either--thank goodness. Sometimes even the best authors just have to throw scenes away.

~~~~
Bumper cars. Now that looked much better even if they did run on electricity rather than gas filled engines. After dropping the little boy off at the information centre, Takumi headed over to his partner in charge and after being told of the ground rules and what he needed to do, Takumi was all set.

1) Complete sentences are always a nice thing to have.

2) Did Takumi drive a bumper car over to the information center? If not, why do you mention the bumper cars before Takumi drops the boy off?

3) How many times are you going to tell us that the boy is little? I think we picked up on that already.

4) Gas tanks should be filled with gas, not engines.

5) A partner that is in charge is not really a partner. That would be a boss or a supervisor or something.

6) Try something like: Takumi dropped the boy off at the information centre, and went to the next station on his schedule, the bumper cars. Now, these--even though they were electric instead of gasoline-powered--were more his style. The guy in charge told him the ground rules and what he needed to do, and then, Takumi was all set.

The area that he was watching over was only the adults' section Bumper Cars with the kid's section on the other side of the gate ###seperating### the two.

We don't need to know anything more than "Takumi was watching over the adults' section of the Bumper Cars."

Throughout this entire section, you give way too many general details about the bumper cars. Your readers' eyes are glazing over and they cannot pick out the little bits truly relevant to the story from the rest. Take pity on them. Assume they are not totally clueless about bumper cars. If they have never seen or driven bumper cars, the description you give here won't clarify things for them. It's simply too many words.

While his friend collected the tickets, Takumi helped the excited and anxious newbies in the cars, making sure that their safety straps were firmly on.

1) Takumi is working in the adult section. That means he is working with adults. I am going to be politically incorrect here. Unless Takumi is dealing with a whole bus load of people with Down's Syndrome and other developmental challenges--I don't care if none of the adults have ever been in bumper cars before--they are not going to need him to buckle them up. Actually, I worked one summer driving van loads of people with developmental disabilities places and only one of them ever needed help buckling up--and that was because she couldn't control the muscles in her arms. Adults can buckle themselves up.

2) Also, unless we're talking cases of extreme bumper-car phobia--wonder what the Latin term for that is--adults do not get anxious over bumper cars. (A few of the people who C&C'd this C&C called me on this one, saying that you meant that they were anxious to begin, that they were impatient. I'm still going to nitpick this. A word's connotations are changed by its context. The combination of "anxious" and "newbie" conveys a sense of nervousness and uneasiness. If you mean they are impatient, say they are impatient. Consider using something other than "newbie.")

A few minutes later, a horn blasted in the air and the music started playing to signal that the ride has just begun.

The horn blast would be the signal that the ride is about to begin. Usually the music is considered as an extra part of the ride and not a signal that it has begun. If the speakers for the music weren't working that day, would all the people just sit there unaware that the ride had started?

Takumi quickly got off the pad and he and his friend watched the patrons laugh and shriek their way through their drive.

Why doesn't Takumi get off the pad before the ride begins?

Takumi was having an amusing thought of imagining Shingo enjoying this part of the park, when he saw a panicked girl trying to get herself out of a corner as she ineffectually twisted her steering side to side too quickly for the car to move.

1) "Having an amusing thought of imagining" is redundant.

2) Don't tell us that it is an amusing thought; show us Takumi being amused by it.

3) Why is that girl panicked? Bumper cars are not very dangerous. Bumper cars rarely drive like you want them to. It's part of the whole bumper car experience. You spend most of your time in the middle of a huge clump of cars that keep bumping each other.

His friend nudged at him and Takumi nodded before he stepped back onto the pad to carefully make his way past the other moving cars and finally reached the corner where the girl was.

1) Small nitpick: the girl's car is not moving, therefore, all the other cars aren't "the other moving cars." They are either "the other cars" or "the other, moving, cars."

2) Who is this friend? You make it seem like this is Takumi's first day of work here. If it's not his first day of work, you've made him way too stupid. He shouldn't need to be told the ground rules everyday he shows up for work. If it is his first day of work, I don't think he would consider this guy a friend already. He doesn't seem to have many people he would consider friends.

Making sure that he wouldn't get his toes run over, Takumi stood onto the rubber side of the car and leaned over to take charge of the wheel.

/stepped onto/... by the way, is the mental image we are supposed to be getting here that of Takumi with both feet on the side of the car, bent over with his ass way up in the air? *eyes Takumi's ass* That sure is the image I am getting.

After ###maneauvering### the car out of the spot which has slowly grown more crowded with inexperienced drivers falling into that same trapped corner, Takumi jumped onto another car to help another helpless driver.

1)"the spot /that had/ slowly grown more crowded"

2) Even experienced drivers cannot control bumper cars well--that's the nature of bumper cars.

After getting two more drivers out of that jam, Takumi was about to jump off the last of his rescue victim

"Jump off the last of his rescue victim?" Is Takumi standing on the people? No wonder they are his "victims".

when a car bumped into them, sending Takumi sprawling into the seat of the assaulter.

Surely if the girl were so extremely panicked that she needed to be helped, they would have turned off the ride. While bumper cars are not inherently dangerous, Takumi being out there in the middle of them all, jumping from car to car, is. I guess the cars need to be running to make this fic work, but don't slap us in the face with how unlikely this is by having him jump from car to car like he's the frog in Frogger.

"Sorry about that," came the sheepish voice of the driver.

*coughs* His voice /came/? And it was "sheepish"? Was Wataru's father a lonely shepherd? This is too unintentionally funny.

When Takumi looked up it was none other that Wataru Akiyama.

I don't know why you would want the "none other than" in here, but even so, this sentence needs a comma after "up," and should have "than" instead of "that."

"Wataru?"

*gives into temptation* "Wataru?" "No, Itsuki," Wataru said. "Who the fuck do you think I am?"

(You do realize that you have Takumi blushing in your follow-up fic because Ryousuke calls him by his first name. If he blushes about that, would he really call Wataru by his first name?)

"Hey, Fujiwara," grinned the driver,

People do not grin words unless the words are painted on their teeth. "Hey, Fujiwara!" The driver grinned.

"Someone bumped me from behind and I can quite stop from crashing into the car you were on. This thing is hard to control. Where are the breaks to this thing anyway. There're no foot pedals here at all!"

1) /could not quite stop/

2) /brakes/

3) Questions end in question marks.

4) /There are/ "there're" is too awkward a contraction

"Wait," Takumi said as he tried to get off of Wataru's lap but only succeeded in wriggling himself into the passenger's seat with his legs sticking up on the hood.

*coughs* More temptation... Takumi gets off on Wataru's lap ^_~

Deeming it better than his earlier position he began to teach the Levin driver on how to handle a bumper car. "The stick shift. Front for go. Back for stop."

Throw a comma between "position" and "he."

"Oh, hey, it works," Wataru laughed, "A favour Fujiwara. Don't tell anyone I didn't know how to drive a bumper car."

1) "A favor, Fujiwara, don't tell anyone that I..."

2) Do I really need to say that people don't laugh words? People may laugh while speaking, but it would still be: "Oh, hey, it works." Wataru laughed. It's amazing how few ways people actually have to vocalize words. They can whisper, speak, and shout--and that's about it.

Takumi nodded, "Aa."

People do not nod words unless they are paraplegic and have devised a complex system of nods as a sign language. Takumi nodded. "Aa."

And was resigned to sit beside the young man until the game ended, ###embarassingly### stuck. When the ride ended, Wataru leaned over to give him a push while his amused friend took a hold of his hands to pull him out. Wataru couldn't quite help keeping his hands from sliding over from Takumi's waist to rest on the young man's buttocks for the last push and when the AE86 driver was finally free, Takumi turned around to thank him with a flag of red on his cheeks.

I'm only going for the most obvious stuff here.

1) You slip briefly into Wataru's p.o.v. with the "couldn't quite help keeping..." bit. Please stay more in just one p.o.v.--you did not begin this as an omniscient narrator and you should continue as you started.

2) I thought only Forrest Gump said "buttocks." *thinks a moment* No, I take that back, if you are using that as part of your characterization of Takumi, it does work.

3) "Flag of red" is an awkward way of describing a blush. Why is it so popular?

4) You start a lot of sentences with "and." You should rarely, if ever, do so.

5) Is this a "game" or a "ride"? Pick one and stick to it.

"Uh... doumo..."

Let's all assume the lotus position and practice our mantra again. "If you are writing a fic in English, assume that your readers only know English."

"Think nothing of it," Wataru winked, from his seat, "You can fall onto my lap anytime."

People do not wink words. Please see the comment about Morse code above. "Think nothing of it." Wataru winked. "You can fall onto my lap anytime."

"Umm... yeah," Takumi nodded, feeling his face burn some more. Was it his imagination or did Wataru's hand of assistance felt more like an intentional grope?

1) People do not nod words. Please see the comment about paraplegics above. "Umm... yeah." Takumi nodded, feeling his face burn some more.

2) "feel" not "felt", and I would drop the "more"

~~~~
When Takumi reached the Mad House for his next shift, someone was already manning the booth while one was standing at the entrance to keep unpaid visitors out.

1) *cringes at "manning" again* When Takumi reached the Mad House for his next shift, one worker was already at the booth. Another one was standing at the entrance, keeping unpaid visitors out.

2) Hmm... while bills can be "unpaid," I am not sure that visitors can be. I know what you mean... but "unpaid visitors" sounds more like they are volunteers than people without tickets.

3) Do we really need to know about this second person? It seems like another case of too many distracting details.

Walking over to the booth keeper, he unhesitatingly asked what he was supposed to do.

Please drop the unnecessary adverbs. Walking over to the booth keeper, he asked what he was supposed to do.

"Go to the east side of the house and check on the equipment," the pimple-faced youth said boredly, "There were some complaints about the wall not moving."

1) *twitches at "boredly"* Hon, that is one adverb that was never meant to be.

2) You're beginning to get too many distracting details again. Does he really have to say the east side of the house?

Takumi blinked. Walls were supposed to move? Oh well, he thought as he began to walk away, when the booth keeper suddenly called out to him, "Take the white door. It'll take you to the equipments for the wall."

Takumi blinked. Walls were supposed to move? "Oh well," he thought. As he began to walk away, the booth keeper called to him. "Take the white door. It will take you to the equipment for the wall."

"Ok," Takumi replied, before continuing on his way. Reaching his destination he saw to his puzzlement that there were two white doors - not one - situated on either side of one blue door. Shrugging, he took one to his left and hesitantly stepped inside the darkness with only the aid of the light from the open door - which ###immedietly### slammed shut upon releasing his hand from of the knob.

You have missing commas and some odd word choices in here. The most blatant is "to his puzzlement." Also, do we need to know about the blue door? It adds nothing to the fic except clutter.

"Okay," Takumi replied, before continuing on his way. Reaching his destination, he was puzzled to see two white doors--not one. He shrugged and chose the left door, hesitantly stepping inside. The door immediately slammed shut behind him, leaving him in darkness.

(For time's sake, I'm going to start pointing out less through the rest of the fic. There's still lots to comment on, but even a bitch has to draw a line somewhere.)

Takumi cursed inwardly and began groping around desperately for a light switch but found splinters underneath his fingers instead. Telling himself not to panic, he tried to trace his steps back but to his distress found out that his sense of direction messed up by the darkness. Only when the floor disappeared from under his feet did he then let himself to panic.

Lots of panicking in this fic...

"WAAAHHHHHH!!!"

It seemed like the darkness was endless until soft beams of blue and red bloomed in his eyes, allowing him to see the ground that he was about to hit. Another terrified yell came from the normally stoic driver, which was soon shaken up by the way his body was bouncing up and down, followed by the multi-shaped foam bouncing around with him. A few more bounces and it was then did Takumi ###realise### that he has just fallen onto a ###trampolin### and a crowded one at that. Trying to make himself to stop bouncing was a difficult task for everyone around him seemed to be intent on making him sick and he was not at all surprised when he accidentally fell onto one of the patrons who groaned in protest.

"F-Fujiwara?"

"R-Ryousoke-san?" Takumi's eyes widened when he managed to get a good look at the poor soul who he just squished.

"who he /had/ just squished"

"Fancy meeting you here," winced Ryousuke as Takumi scrambled to get off of the 23 year old with little results.

1) People do not wince words--and I am running out of these jokes--but it must hurt if they did.

2) see what I said about the eighteen-years old above

"You're not good with your balance are you?

Are you kidding? Takumi was hopping all over those bumper cars, he must have great balance. (In fact, in the manga, isn't that one of the things that Ryou admires about Takumi? His incredible sense of the 86's balance?)

Hold still," the FC driver grunted when all the younger boy was doing was elbowing him to lose his breath. Quickly gripping the young man's arms, Ryousuke held Takumi still against him and growled, "I said hold still. On a count of three let me push you off so I can stand up. Then I'll help you up."

Takumi nodded dumbly and Ryousuke began to count, "One. Two. Thre- OOOF!"

Takumi nearly hit his head against Ryousuke's when a heavy weight suddenly fell on them from above. Ryousuke gave another groan of protest when the person on top of them began wriggling, his ###boiterous### laugh filling the echoing room.

"Ahahah! Man! That was wicked! I thought I was gonna become a pancake or something!" a breathless voice brushed against Takumi's ears, "Hey, aniki! I knew I'd catch up with you sooner or later!"

*twitch* Descriptions of voices can never be substituted for "said" and that is exactly what you are doing here. Also, voices do not brush against ears. A breath might brush against /an/ ear, though. Unless both of Takumi's ears are on the same side of his head, it would be pretty damn amazing if one breath brushed both. Hmm... unless there is nothing in Takumi's skull and the breath brushed one ear going in and the other going out...

"Keisuke," Ryousuke said lowly, "Get off of us."

He /is/ saying this lowly since he is /below/ Keisuke--but that's not what you meant and an adverb cannot ever be used to mean what you meant. Ryousuke said in a low voice.

"Hm? Who's this? Fujiwara?!" the younger brother exclaimed, craning his neck to peer at Takumi's face, before taking stock of the blue cap on the boy's head, "You work here?"

Is he counting the blue cap and checking it off on a list? If not, perhaps "noticing" is a better choice than "taking stock."

"Aa," Takumi gasped trying to push the heavier man off of him, "Get off of me."

"Nah," Keisuke grinned, hugging the two drivers under him tightly, "This is fun."

People do not grin words. Please see the comment about painted teeth above.

Takumi 'eep'ed, again going bright red in the face as he was pressed closer against the lean body of Ryousuke, feeling every curves and muscles of both young men and making his usually slow mind to take a turn that it has never gone to before.

/feeling every curve and muscle/ ... /making his slow mind take a turn/

"Keisuke!" snapped the older Takahashi, finally losing patience, "I said GET OFF!"

Unfortunately, people don't snap words either. Words are not gum or beans. I do see this mistake a lot though, so I don't really hold it against you.

"Ok, ok," Keisuke huffed, allowing his body to slide off of Takumi's, "Sheesh."

People do not huff words. I am not familiar with the practice, but I believe they huff the fumes of spray paint and the like. I do know that it kills brain cells. I think some of mine are dying right now.

Relieved of finally being able to get free from the Takahashi ###sandwhich###, he allowed Ryousuke to push him off and then accepted the older driver's hand to pull him up. Once he managed to keep a decent amount of balance in his legs, he nodded his thanks to both brothers and bounced away.

"You're no fun, aniki."

"Oh? You propose on having the three of us stuck like that till they come and help?"

"No, aniki, just till I come."

"Why not? He's cute. What better company than him?"

"..... I didn't say that he wasn't cute..."

Takumi hurriedly bounded away from the brothers until he finally reached the end of the wide ###trampolin### and then jumped, running quickly to the exit, not wanting to hear to rest of their conversation. If he didn't know any better he swore that he could feel eyes boring onto his back as he left.

~~~~
After fanning his face with his cap, he quickly put it back on when he received scowls coming from one of the uptight ride operators. It was just after mid-day and it was weather was still sweltering and thinking that it would be cooler working in the rides where water was the main attraction, he was surprised to feel the humidity that was slowly suffocating him in every minute that passed. An explanation by his other co-workers that the humidity was caused by the evaporated water from the troughs where the rides were floating in diminished his hope that the condition would become better.

The whole humidity section should evaporate out of the fic.

In this part of the job, Takumi was ordered to oversee the safety precautions of the riders when he met with Takeshi Nakazato who was inside one of the log-shaped rides with two other patrons. The two merely nodded to each other and that ###would've### been the end of their interaction if Takumi's sleeve had not caught onto the edge of the safety bar that Takeshi was holding onto.

/would have been the end/

"Uh... I think you should just jump on," Takeshi suggested, motioning to the end of the platform that was coming closer to them. After tugging harshly on his sleeve without success, Takumi finally relented and jumped in to sit beside the dark-haired young man with a sigh. As their log floated along the trough, Takumi continued to try and free himself with Takeshi's help. When the young driver was finally free, he turned to thank the brunette when his speech was halted by the sudden jarring of the ride they were in. Their log was apparently being pulled by a mechanical conveyor belt onto a higher level and in less than a minute they were ###slidding### down a gentle watery slope before the log was pulled up again onto another higher level.

Again, too much description of the details of the ride.

He hadn't anticipated on the splash of water from the second drop and while the log was pulled up again onto the third and highest level, he was just about to finish spluttering in distaste to the amusement of the man beside him.

"Don't you work at the gas station?" Takeshi asked with a smile on his face.

Where else would his smile be? If Takeshi has some other body part that can smile, I DO NOT want to know about it.

"Not on weekends," Takumi informed him, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, "Business is slow this month so I'm taking a second part-time job here when I'm not needed there."

...wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. "Business..."

"Ah," Takeshi replied before he nodded to the front, "Don't look now but we're gonna get wet again so you might as well stop trying to dry yourself off."

Why can't he look now?

When Takumi saw the drop before him, he gulped. The metallic safety bar was slippery in his grip and as the log lunged down the height, the brown-haired youth automatically grabbed the nearest firm handhold that he could reach with a terrified scream, "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!"

I didn't figure him for such a wimp. (Actually, thinking about it more, this is way off. Takumi does scream when Iketani is driving, but that is the reaction of an experienced driver knowing he's in a situation that he cannot control and the one in control is a terrible driver. In the manga, Takumi even says that he does not scream on roller coasters. This makes sense, because roller coasters are a controlled environment that use physics and speed to give us a sense of danger with very little real danger, but a mountain road is an very uncontrolled environment.)

The wind whipped against his face and when they finally reached the bottom of the drop, the water splashed into his eyes and mouth with a drenching finale. He was busy coughing out the water he had accidentally took in that he wasn't aware where his hands were clutching at until the shoulder under his cheek shook in laughter.

Well, I'm glad he's not stupid enough to /purposely/ breathe in water.

"Man, Fujiwara," chuckled Takeshi, "You should've seen the look on your face. Priceless."

Takumi scowled as best as he can scowl when an amused voice spoke up from behind the gate ###seperating### the ride and the spectators.

"Comfy?"

Takumi turned to face the grinning Shingo from the Night Kids.

There's a full set of Night Kids' Shingos, you know. There's The Grinning Shingo, The Bumper-Nudging Shingo, The Scowling Shingo, The Smoking Shingo--I want to collect them all. (A friend of mine has even put in a special order at the Shingo Factory for The Takeshi-Fucking Shingo.) *coughs* Takumi turned to see Shingo. The Night Kids driver was grinning.

"Very," Takeshi's voice rumbled under Takumi's arms pointing to the fact that he was still holding onto the older man with a death-grip.

"voice rumbled under Takumi's arms pointing to the fact that he was still holding onto the older man with a death-grip" can never be substituted for "said." "Very," Takeshi said. Takumi realized that he was still holding onto the older man with a death-grip.

Quickly releasing him, Takumi opted to stay silent while trying to hold back the blush on his cheeks. When he was finally out of the log he managed to not look at Takeshi if not for the tug he felt on his arm.
"Maybe I'll call you sometime?"

Takumi blinked, "For a race?"

"Iie," Takeshi chuckled, "For a drink or something."

People don't chuckle words.

This time Takumi did blush and he absolutely for the life of him couldn't find any words to say. No trademark clueless 'Uuh...' or the ###inflappable### 'Ah?' but a silent stare which Takeshi finally decided to take in as an affirmative.

"Great," Takeshi grinned, "See you later, Fujiwara."

People do not grin words. Please see the comment about painted teeth above.

As he watched the tall brunette walk away with the still sniggering Shingo, Takumi's eyes widened at the implication of their conversation. If it was in his nature Takumi would've knocked his head onto the nearest post and call himself all kinds of fools but as it was he merely continued to stare in shock before a towel slapped him on the face.

"Dry yourself off kid," chuckled his co-worker, "We still have two more hours to go."

People don't chuckle words.

~~~~
The downhill specialist of Akina was thankful that the day has ended without anymore odd incidents. If any more male drivers that he fought against also started hitting on him after Takeshi he would've been prone to believe that someone spiked their drinks in the amusement park. If that was the case, then he hoped that it would wear out before he would meet any of them again.

"Tadaima," Takumi called as soon as he stepped into the house. A few moments later his father greeted him in return, "Okaeri."

Remember our new mantra.

"Remember to wake up early for tomorrow's delivery," Bunta told his son as he folded the newspaper to tuck under this arm.

Do you mean /his/ arm?

Takumi rolled his eyes. As if he needed any reminding.
"Hai, hai," he sighed as he stepped into his house slipper

Only one slipper?

but before he could take another step, his father handed him a piece of paper with names scribbled on it.
"Here, they asked me to tell you that they called."

/Keisuke Takahashi
Wataru Akiyama
Takeshi Nakazato
Ryousuke Takahashi/

".....Dad."

"Yes, son?"

"I'm ###quiting### the amusement park job starting tomorrow," Takumi said firmly as he threw the piece of paper away.

"starting tomorrow" is unnecessary

"Why?" Bunta asked. "I thought you needed the money. It's not that bad is it?"

You don't need to tell us "in surprise."

Bunta couldn't quite catch the mumbling of his son but he thought Takumi said something like:
"It's the drinks, dad. It's the drinks."

Strange, if he couldn't quite catch it, he still managed to hear it amazingly well.

03:48 p.m., Saturday, December 15, 2001 ~Seiji