+ Old Art
+ Old Songs
+ Old Boys
+ Old News
Nades &
Jafronda &
Mary &
Nicram &
Bo Bara &
Zacharius &c.
+ Pitas
+ Haloscan
+ Et Tois ♥ !
+ 05/03 - Relay for Life
+ 05/07 - Birthdays!
+ 05/11 - Mother's Day
Return to campus on Monday, Memorial Day. Took the 9:00 Bremerton to Seattle Ferry. I don't know if it was the coffee I drank that morning or just a result of being by myself all weekend, but when I was walking through Red Square and just realising what a beautiful day it was, I got really giddy and just happy to be back and I started skipping until I realised that if anyone was watching the channel on UW cable tv, the channel of a surveillance camera over Red Square, they would see me and see how ridiculous I was.
I took the 66 from the ferry terminal to campus, walked passed the yougurt place, by Condon, memories of running home. It just felt refreshing being back with friends and familiar places. I realised how UW has become my home, and how awful it would be going home and how I would miss everyone. I called Nadine and couldn't stop laughing. I haven't been able to contain my laughter this week at all. How can anyone ever feel sad? Don't we make our own happiness? Don't we fashion it with our own labour? Isn't it then part of our selves?
Went shopping with Nicole and Nadine, skipped some more as we walked to U Village. Bought two shirts at Banana Republic for only 14 dollars. Excellent.
Took a bus afterwards to south campus while Nades and Nicole ate at Ian's, and I met with Tim. We went downtown to shop some more, at a second Banana Republic, where I bought a 40 dollar polo, which I'm definitely returning, despite how nice it is. Met with Nicole, Nades, and Lorraine, more shopping and met with Arabella at her Gamestop.
Folklife Festival. Seriously don't understand it. What was there to do? Haha, despite my confusion, it was really fun going with everyone. The group met with Bill and Zack, both wearing very nice sunglasses, haha. So fun, mang. Scarf shopping, waiting for Arabella, walking to the 70 bus stop, Scooter Rental Shop, Singing Moulin Rouge songs replacing the word "love" with "cat." HAHAHA!
All of us moved on to Yunnie, where we met Matt, and found out how much of a noob Arabella is. Srsly, she's just a big NOOB. HAHA
The UW Girls left, but Matt, Arabella, and I went with Tim and Zack to the apartment for Brawl. I Love Link! Kevin met with us after a bit, and we stayed until Matt had to catch a bus, then Kevs and I walked Ara to the 49 bus stop.
Afterwards, Kevin and I walked over to Ian's and met with Andrew and John who were busy hacking, HAHA omg. Matt arrived shortly after, followed by Nadine, and it was a grand ole time, despite the fact that we watched another confusing episode of Weeds, HAHA!
GOOD DAY, MANG!
Not really sure what happened the rest of the week. I know I went to the IMA, more brawl at Zack's, busy with design portfolio.
Oh man, today, though, was killer. I was up til 4 last night working on a design thing, and I tried to wake up at 8 to do my laundry, which just didn't happen. Anyway, I woke up and had a really awful headache which lasted through my LING and POL S quiz sections, onwards to ARCH but by then it was seriously destroying me. I told Nicole and Erica that I couldn't take it anymore but since I didn't want to attract attention as The-Guy-Who-Just-Left-Class, I left my bag and asked Nicole to take it for me after class. I painfully made my way back to my dorm room to sleep it off. Slept from 1:00 to 5:00 and missed out on going to the IMA with Tim. Oh man, that headache was ridiculous, though. I wanted to die, it was so crushing.
Called everyone, at first only Andrew answered, and he said he was at the Grey Lounge with Alana. Perfect opportunity to do my laundry, so I loaded a wash and then the three of us met with Dara, Matt, Andrew, Kevin, and Nadine at The 8 for dinner, which I realised was the only thing I had to eat today, save for a banana for breakfast before ARCH since I thought maybe I had a headache only cause I didn't eat that morning, which turned out not to be the case. I also had a donut at 11:00 that Nadine brought from work.
I worked on my Design Résumé tonight, just need to photograph and scan a few more things and work on my letter of intention. So far I have these things lined up for submission in my portfolio of 5-10 works:
001. Art 120 Identity Book
002. Art 120 Time Collage
003. Art 166 Project 1
004. Art 166 Project 2
005. Aileen Jumping Puddle Photograph
006. Mom Voting Photograph
007. Sketch Book Page Scans
008. Colour Blob Illustration
009. Pending Poster for Kelly's DJ Shows
010. Pending Amazing, Mind-Blowing Illustration?!?
Hopefully everything works out for the best, otherwise my backup majors are Comparative Literature, English, or Linguistics. Basically it's all part of a greater plan to ensure my poverty and life couldn't be any better.
Okay. SO. First, if anything, THIS is a MUST READ by The Petite Sophisticate, a bloggeur passionately writing what she calls a "rant" against "Amazing Girls." Trust me, you'll know the type. It's so fascinating. It's the "frustrations of not being a muse."
So, you've read that, correct? Moving on:
It got me to thinking about how this correlates to fairy godmothers, and whether or not the same fascination holds true. Is this where the hetero-maligned meet and find connection or, do gays similarly court the "amazing girl," and there really is no hope for the girls, like the author, who are "sharp, mean, opinionated, decidedly lacking in mystery?"
NOTE: I know the main term for the straight-woman, gay male relationship is "fag hag" but I also understand the [also required reading] over this label. I myself think that the term, while often used to be endearing in most cases, is also totally unfair for the girl. I will use the term, among others [like fruit fly, gay nanny, hand bag, &c. HAHA], however, just to get my point across more easily. In short, you are NOT a "hag," as this... well what now amounts to and has become a short essay of mine indents to prove.
Immediately I think of Margaret Cho, the quintessential fruit fly. In the interview I linked (ignore the quasi-racist, quasi-asian, laughable font in the header image), she criticizes Miss America pageants and extolls the virtues of Lil' Kim. In a second interview she describes herself as a "Korean-American, fag hag, shit starter, girl comic, trash talker." Funny that these traits are not as easily attributed to the image of the "Amazing Girl," save for the idea of the "Fag Hag." Korean-American is another point of interest, as it could or could not be applied as well, and begs the question if the "Amazing Girl" is a racist construct as well, but that's another conversation, and I digress.
Margaret Cho, like so many others, like the women I know, are women who are strong and not simply the dolls, playthings of (straight) men. Does your outspokenness and your strength, however, come into conflict with how you are perceived by straight men and have I overlooked this in my insensitivity? Am I just overanalysing?Regardless, Amazing Girls are, as Laura Mulvey describes in "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema," the objects of male patriarchy and "bearer of meaning, not maker of meaning." This is an analysis that goes hand in had with The Petite Sophisticate's theory. It is no accident that the works by Laura Mulvey may be culled purely for the fact that Amazing Girls are the women so perfectly built for Cinema and the Screened Image, the intensely voyeuristic art form. It is male author whoring his starlet, in a theoretical sense, a harsh one at that, I admit.
The Petite Sophisticate continues this line of thought: "[Amazing Girls are] the Romantics' ideal of the pure and naturally innocent woman, a creature morally inferior to men but capable of spiritual perfection -- in short, a childlike vessel for the projection of masculine ideals." They are women so void of personality that men--gay men included since I myself am unfoundedly entranced by Ziyi Zhang--can create their own narrative for them, and in doing so create those poems, songs, paintings, works of art. Amazing Girls are Muses simply for their lack of character. Yet, I find myself asking, is it really their fault and whose definition of 'amazing' must women aspire to, and why?
So there's Margaret Cho on one side and there's Natalie Portman's character from Garden State and Kate Hudson's "Penny Lane" from Almost Famous on the other. Surely and stereotypically many gay men find inspiration from moody, funny, pointedly judgemental women, if television series My So-Called Life, the film Get Real, the camp cult classic Mommie Dearest, and Margaret Cho's gay fanbase are any indication. "Indeed," The Petite Sophisticate writes, "a lack of harsh judgment might be called the central tenet of their sisterhood, and perhaps a key to their particular magic." Yet, it is no wonder that so many gay icons, so many straight women friends of gays are so opinionated, so open and less demure and "mystical," and more real.
The point of contention arises here: for all their openness, their realness, are not these women--who are sometimes jealous of AGs--are they not Amazing Girls for us gay men? Are they not the women we find notorious and fascinating? Or, rather, is this another violent, voyeuristic action by gay men, who cannot avoid their exploitive maleness in taking the meaning capabilities of the women they adore?Another question arises: Is the openness of these women part of their being, or does it show itself when women come into contact with gay men? That is, is what gay men love from their women friends promoted and displayed before them because they do not have the pressure of trying to become Amazing Girls for them, rather, they can just be Amazing Girls, because that is what they are and have always been?
An exerpt from another blog entry, this time from the blog Purse Lip Square Jaw by lecturer and PhD candidate at Carleton University, Anne Galloway. She writes in a post about the power of Language and the works by Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer:
Language is fascinating. After all, words do things and speech acts - albeit in limited ways. But mostly I like thinking about the relationships between words, contexts and who we can - and cannot - be.
A mundane, but personal, example might be the joy I feel when with gay male friends. You see, I feel as though I can say anything I want, and that goes a long way towards making me feel as though I can be who I want to be. If I make a sexually-charged comment, they may or may not laugh (a risk that comes with any joke), but they will never hear my words as "I want to sleep with you." They never tell me I am gorgeous (or whatever) while I am explaining something serious or complicated, and they assume that my beauty grows from my intellect and wit. In short, I get to play with the boys rather than for them. And I like myself best in those moments.
I now think of what I call the "Ryan Diaz Fairy Godmother Support System." You know who you are. I talk to you about my problems, joys, aspirations, issues, loves, losses, whatever. I remember Nicole said in jest that she hated me since I could "be a girl with the girls and a boy with the boys." I only now began to wonder about your strong friendships with straight guys and if they're as open as your friendship with me, in fact they might be stronger or if they exist at all. I never always took or granted my ability to segue between both the realms of Male-ness and Female-ness. I never thought about the pressures you face in the oppression of trying to be the "Amazing Girl," or if you even think about that at all, and, again, this is just me projecting.
Society has given you guys a bad hand, since I know I have all these problems and I always go to you guys to talk about them, and I feel a little oppressive when I - and don't debate this - complain and complain to you. I feel a little more self-centred, and a little more vain and superficial when I complain, since you guys hardly ever complain to me as much as I do to you, and all the while as I complain, you smile and offer sympathetic smiles and graciously assure me that everything will be better.
Basically I'm writing this, after reading the post by The Petite Sophisticate, because I don't ever want you girls to think you are not Amazing, because from what I've seen, you really, really are. I'm writing this because I know you can sometimes feel - and don't debate this - insecure, and if there's any help or advice I can offer in return for yours, it's that you really ought not to feel that way since it's not that you don't have anything to offer, it's that you have so much and I can't fathom where you keep it all. I know I have said before that we all just need a little more self-confidence, but I also realise how difficult this can be. I am writing this because I know that I can sometimes come off as a self-obsessed taker and never a contributer by nature of your status as women and me the male who takes for granted my privileged maleness. It's the same realization I felt when having the interview with Nadine and Lorraine, how I never thought about how your children won't be your legacy, but their father's, by virtue of the passing down of his last name. How awful, sad, and unfair is THAT?!
Also, I'm afraid that down the road, if we should ever separate, I don't want you to feel that I left you since I know the typical Gay Boy and Straight Girl storyline, and what happens is that the Gay Boy finds the Amazing Boy and the Straight Girl is pushed to the sidelines. Straight women in these storylines seem to never let go of their gay friends, even when they found that man who finds them "Amazing." Rather, a lá My Best Friend's Wedding, and Sex and the City in these stories, the woman remains true to her gay friend, and in the former example, Julia Roberts even constantly tries to call her Fag which she Hags, and he is constantly busy, a plot device used for comic effect yet also sadly revealing of the stereotypical Hag-to-Fag relationship (But srsly folks, OMG don't you LOVE that movie?!).
I remember watching the film The Living End by Gregg Araki, one of my favourite directors. A gay man learns he has HIV and meets another HIV+ gay man, with whom he abandons his life and all those he loves (most notably his fag hag), and travels the country in a sort of Thelma & Louise-esque scenario, but the gayness here is totally apparent from there start - there's even an homage, if you can call it that, to its predecessor in the film. The entire movie I was worried about the guy's fag hag. I mean, she was calling him and calling him and even when she found out he had left, she kept his apartment clean for him. She was there when he learned about his positive status, but then he leaves and she really never hears from him ever again, even while she has a horrible break up with her boyfriend, who is very annoyed at her much stronger love for her gay friend.
So there you go, a long rant simply to remind you girls how vital, appreciated, and, yes, AMAZING you are, and not just for my sakes. I wrote this because I think I see you guys, not as the personality-less, air-headed, overly-agreeable waifs that straight men forge their fantasies and pen their poems and songs over, but rather, I see you as women wholly capable of existing as women who love and live not dependent on a man's approval, even mine. I confess that reading the rant by The Petite Sophisticate reminded me a little about you, and how I would never want any of you to feel that way.
I think that Sky DeMuro Miller said it best when she wrote The Fag Hag Manifesto:
Perhaps my comfort and un-self-consciousness with gay men was due to the fact that I didn’t feel any sexual tension between us? You know, the old no-risk argument...
This no-risk theory and the previous exposure theory, however, are no more satisfying than the biological one. They both depended upon me being abnormally threatened by straight men...
Then it hit me. All my gay male friends were out. Becoming close with gay men meant hearing their stories of coming out. That’s because coming out is a cathartic milestone in any out person’s life, and usually came after years of self-reproach, denial, and repression. Coming out meant finally forgiving themselves for being who they were and feeling how they felt. They tried denial, avoidance, hetero sex and guilt, then finally accepted themselves as themselves. Only when they let go of the blame and guilt could they love themselves. Despite familial and social anathema, they trusted themselves and refused to pretend to be something they were not. It was freeing to be one’s self. How simple, yet seemingly rare.
Coming out, however, meant more than accepting oneself. It required dropping the social heterosexual faŤçade and being one’s self, all the time, in public. Coming out meant making a conscious decision to live as a unique individual with infinite good and bad parts. It also showed that the person had a desire to grow. While it would be small-minded to say that all out people are completely comfortable with themselves, the process of coming out inherently contained a willingness to begin the process of self acceptance and self love. It was facing the fearful truth and learning from it.
Eureka! I was not attracted to gayness, I was attracted to people who accepted themselves as however they really were and who presented that self to the world. I liked people who refused to mold themselves according to other people’s opinions of what they should be. Gee, I thought, that sounded like me. Then, with furrowed brow, I thought, but I’m not gay.
Re-Eureka! My brain became excited with the accelerating rhythms of epiphany. Coming out was not about being gay or straight; it was about self-acceptance and a willingness to maintain faith in self in every situation. Coming out went beyond therapist’s-office-acceptance or secret-journal-acceptance. It was climbing the scaffold, bearing the mark, and shouting to the Puritans, “This is I!” It was trusting yourself enough to survive the vulnerability of being exposed to the masses.
And there you go. All that she described therein is the quintessential traits that run directly against the mystique and hidden-ness of the Amazing Girl for they are vulnerable not by virtue of being themselves, but vulnerable in acquiescing to the sidelines. You are not the demure and sheltered vessel for masculine fantasy, since you are open and you are you and and you are better. You are not the vessel since you will find (straight) men who love you not because you pretend to be the weak flower, the wilting maiden, but men who love you because you challenge their intellect, you push them into becoming better persons, and they will love you because you are the woman to be collected and showed off.
Don't mistake this, however, for you will be the epitome of the Trophy Wife, but only because your love will be the Trophy Husband and it will be equal and it will be the greatest high. Please don't think you have to hide facets of yourself to win the battle against the Amazing Girl. She might be a muse, but you will create your own works of art and for that, you will be more amazing and more beautiful than any silent, ephemeral, boring, creature. You will be and are to me already the empowered, eternal, and infinitely more interesting human beings I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. This is to say that by being the loud and self-possessed women that make up the typical Fag Hag image, it is not true that you cannot be amazing girls in your own right. I have conveniently re-defined it for you.
Though, I guess and would agree, that at times being the indiscriminate object of many a man's affection can be a good thing too. We've got that also.
TL;DR? Oh well.
And if you're interested: Fag Hags in Filipino Gay Culture. So many good reads this weekend!
I told Nicole about it this morning and later on in the day, while she was walking on the Ave, I get a call from her, and she asked me to describe my bike. Turns out I had left it outside of Than Vi on Friday when I ate Pho with Zack and Tim. Thank goodness. Now I feel stupid but it's funny. Faith in humanity restored, faith in myself destroyed.
Anyhow, in the manner of Nadine:
001. Oetsu to Kanki no Nanoriuta - Tenniscoats
WHY Because I play it when riding in cars and buses, especially at night. Very calming and beautiful. I'm actually surprised this is my MOST played song, though. That's interesting. It's even 7 minutes and 22 seconds long. That's a lot of time spent listening to this song, mang.
REMINDS ME OF Arriving at the Bremerton ferry terminal with Nadine, her mom driving us to our homes. I played it for Nadine and had her translate it. Sleepy busrides, walking to the dorms at night, alone or with friends, overall contentment. I'm not surprised anymore that this is my most played song right now. It seems to fit perfectly into any memory I've had in a while. Very wistful, very translucent and fragile yet soul-solidifying.
002. Moonage Daydream - David Bowie
WHY Because David Bowie is a God and this is my favourite song from him. Because I'm an alligator and a mama papa coming for you.
REMINDS ME OF Working at Ian's Domain where I got to play my music over the sound system. Looking for David Bowie records I can't ever hear until I finally buy a record player.
003. In the Aeroplane over the Sea - Neutral Milk Hotel
WHY Because it changed my perspective on life and stuff.
REMINDS ME OF One day when I was working at Rick's, this song came on shuffle and as I waited at the cashier kiosk, I heard someone singing the song. Another time someone else was singing it, this time to his girlfriend and it was really, ridiculously adorable. Also, that day, Nicole was sick and skipped class and came to Ian's for soup. She heard the song over the radio and asked me what the song was. Also, that same day, while studying at the Grey Lounge, two guys sat down by the pianos, and played and sang this song and I thought I was going to melt. Also, I'm convincing Kevin to learn how to play it/to teach it to me.
004. The Next Step - Sleeping States
WHY Because I swoon when he sings the line "And I'm asking you, please, come please." No, it's not as corny as it sounds.
REMINDS ME OF Listening to it for the first time on YouTube, a live version, and having Nicole rip it for me on her computer over the summer. I waited weeks before I finally got it a few weeks into Autumn quarter last year, but by then I had the original version already, haha.
005. For Emma - Bon Iver
WHY Shimmery, strummy guitar; wistful maudlin melody. Vague, narrative, montaged lyrics. Because I can't tell if it's a sad-happy or angry-sad song.
REMINDS ME OF "Running home, running home, running home, running home." From Bill's, mostly.
006. Marry Me - St. Vincent
WHY If I were named John, this is the song I would want to be proposed under. Except, I think the lyrics are subversive in a way. Ah well. Very sweet and very Summery.
REMINDS ME OF Showing it to Nicole, hoping she would like it. Turns out it's awkward since her brother's name is Jan (Pronounced 'John').
007. Mountain Woman II - Elvis Perkins
WHY Because Elvis Perkins' life story is so tragic and his songs so beautiful.
REMINDS ME OF A bus ride back home and seeing all the people and how perfect this song was for mid-late afternoon ruminations on their lives.
008. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
WHY Because the harmonies are so amazing. Because they're homegrown. For the eruption of instruments at 0:40.
REMINDS ME OF Amazing concert. Michelle and her amazing recommendation. Nicole (Whom every song reminds me of, it seems Haha).
009. Paper Planes - M.I.A.
WHY I've loved M.I.A. since 9th grade but I was skeptical if her second album could be better than her first. This song is enough to top it all.
REMINDS ME OF Aileen and Me in 9th grade planning the music for fierce fashion shows. Making Kevin listen to this song a billion times. Singing this song with Nicole at SPU.
010. Electric Feel - MGMT
WHY Because it makes me wanna DANCE.
REMINDS ME OF Chase and Kevin. My boss from Ian's, Courtney, because I thought she hated me, until she heard my iPod playing this song and we had a good talk about MGMT. The 21+ show of theirs I bitterly could not attend. How awkward they were live on Late Night with Conan O'Brian. They wore capes and looked like hobbits in tunics HAHA
011. Rivers - Sleeping States
WHY Because it's the song I play when I feel contemplative and transformed. Beautiful.
REMINDS ME OF Riding the Ferry. Going to Sleep.
012. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
WHY Because their entire album is AMAZING. The first song I heard from them.
REMINDS ME OF Cold winter quarter. Trying to get Kevin to learn it.
013. Candy Says - Velvet Underground
WHY The first song I heard from Velvet Underground, the song that made me instantly give up my life and acknowledge them as the best thing to ever happen in music, ever.
REMINDS ME OF Listening and listening and listening to this song over and over.
014. The Weight - the Band
WHY Even though Kevin and I dispute which of the Band's songs is their greatest (He likes 'The Weight," but I find it too overplayed, I like 'The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down' but he finds it not as memorable) this song really is just a good song in general. I mean, they're all good, but TNTDODD requires a refined taste. It is the Edward Norton of Band songs.
REMINDS ME OF Debates with Kevin, walking alone during autumn quarter.
015. Apple Orchard - Beach House
WHY Because it conjures imagery from Robert Browning's "Meeting at Night" with the weary lover, yellow moonlight, sand and beaches (not just because of the band's name), sweat at his brow, pulling his boat ashore, traveling to a candle lit farm where his lover awaits in secret. Isn't it romantic?
REMINDS ME OF Two hearts beating each to each.
016. You Don't Know Me - Caetano Veloso
WHY Portuguese is a beautiful, beautiful language. Caetano Veloso has a beautiful, beautiful voice.
REMINDS ME OF Nicole Filbert since she is the only other person I know who knew Caetano Veloso's music. We dispute how to pronounce his first name. Also, reminds me of my grandma, who I was so happy and amazed that she knew his songs too, but when she was also my age. Amazing.
017. Ash Wednesday - Elvis Perkins
WHY All his music is good. This is his most tragic song.
REMINDS ME OF Sleep with good dreams. Wanting to learn guitar.
018. Lovely Allen - Holy Fuck
WHY Because this is the most triumphant, happy song, evar. Because the band's name is so cool.
REMINDS ME OF Monica, who is both good at cussing and also introduced me to this song. The night Julius bought his copy of Brawl at a midnight release party we were playing my iPod in his car. I wanted to play this song, but Kevin was looking through it. And I told him that after he chose a song, I had the perfect song to play at that moment. He chose this song and we realised our psychic abilities.
019. Hey - Pixies
WHY "Said the man to the LADY / mmm.. / Said the lady to the MAN!"
REMINDS ME OF Mariela. Mariela. Mariela.
020. Taken Too Young (Tough Alliance Remix) - Taken By Trees
WHY The first time I heard this song I knew I felt like I was transported to a magical, magical land.
REMINDS ME OF Camping trip over the summer. I was carrying a portable radio, my iPod, and an iTrip, Lorraine, Nicole, Chase, and I all walking through the woods and getting lost. Later, Nicole asked me what this song was, and I told her she heard it while camping. You betta recognise. My songs be the shit you don't even need to paint GOLD.
021. You're So Vain - Carly Simon
WHY The song everyone loves to sing.
REMINDS ME OF Singing with friends, especially Lorraine, Tim, & Zack.
022. No One Does It Like You - Department of Eagles
WHY Because I had been wanting to learn how to whistle this song, which is amazing, and I could never remember the melody just right. Repeat listens to overcome this.
REMINDS ME OF Kevin since I think this is the only song he and I both have in our top 25 most played. Aside from, I think, Elvis Perkins and the next song in the list. Also, reminds me of whistling in the Whistle Hall once I mastered the melody.
023. At the Hop - Devendra Banhart
WHY Because it's his most romantic song, which isn't really all that romantic anyhow. Still great, though.
REMINDS ME OF Bumbershoot, the perfect way to end an evening. Perfect. Also, the sour taste of Kelsey leaving Devendra's show to see Fergie. Bad move, girl. Bad move.
024. Covered in Bugs - Glass Candy
WHY Experimental, minimalist, oh-so-cold, neau-neau-post-techo-post-rock death disko by Portland natives? Sold.
REMINDS ME OF Strutting around campus. Fierce. HAHA
025. I Love How You Love Me - Jeff Magnum
WHY Though this list is in order from most played and downwards, this song saves the best for last. Oh my god. There are no words. The most beautiful song ever. Vulnerable and light and warm and so, so lovely.
REMINDS ME OF Valentine's Day and everything that's right with the world at any given moment. Love love love. Le Sigh
Dukkha, the Nature of Suffering
"...birth is suffering, aging is suffering, illness is suffering, death is suffering; union with what is displeasing is suffering; separation from what is pleasing is suffering; not to get what one wants is suffering."Samudaya, Suffering's Origin
"...it is this craving which leads to renewed existence, accompanied by delight and lust, seeking delight here and there, that is, craving for sensual pleasures, craving for existence, craving for extermination."Nirodha, Suffering's Cessation
"...it is the remainderless fading away and cessation of that same craving, the giving up and relinquishing of it, freedom from it, nonreliance on it."Marga, the Way Leading to the Cessation of Suffering
"...it is the Noble Eightfold Path; that is, right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, right concentration."
Right View Last Wednesday morning I woke up late for POL S again. Went to "work on essay" at Zack's with Tim. Good talk and Geisha instead. Helped me get my head on straight. Sadness is not worth my time and it's all really a miniscule blip in the grand scheme of things, anyway. Good experience, though, I think. Not necessarily good. I mean "good" like I mean a cough drop or strong medicine. S'good for you.
Right Intention Thursday, return to Terry to meet with Tim about that essay. Got it done. I'm actually really proud of the essay I wrote. I don't care if I should get a bad grade on it, it satisfies me at least. My intentions? POL S is still a very feasible back up. My moleskine is doing well. I guess I'll scan a few pages and post on here, mmk? I need to wake up early tomorrow to do laundry. Maybe IMA. I don't know what I'm going to do this summer without a stable source of exercise. You're so vain, guy.
Right Speech Tim & Zack have been more than amazing. Nades, Nicole, Lorraine and the homecrew, youse good to me too, and I mean "good" here like I mean hearing that your classes are canceled, like a cool breeze after you've finished biking up a hill you've been wanting to scale for some time, like an air-hostess from the 60's. Phase II?
Right Action Friday morning I went to class and the coast was clear. Aloof but it'll pass. Was it the right plan of action? What's done is done.
Right Livelihood That afternoon was soul-repleneshing just spending time with friends in the sun. First, Kevin and I sat down in Sylvan Theatre with the four white columns. Very tranquil, those paper-thin, circular seeds gently drifting downwards in the air. Barely anyone else was there, most people like the quad and hardly think about Sylvan. Waited for Nadine's class to finish, met with Nandrew and Matt at McMahon. Dara and Tim followed soon after. Teams split up; Kevs, Matt, Nades, and Nands biked to Gas Works, Tim and I hung out in his room. Let me borrow some flip flops.
After about an hour, we all decide to meet up again in the quad. Saw Andrew Iopu (Mandrew/Mands) by Schmitz right as I was about to call him. Tim, he, and I met Kelsey at the quad. I got my bike as they scoped out the guys HAHA. Dara, Nadine, Lorraine showed up and fun fun fun. We lounged on the grass and had so much fun. WHITNEY CHANNELL showed up out of the blue! Split up again for dinners, The Girls and Mandrew ate at The 8 while Tim and I met Zack at Than Vi, Zack had a really, really gay transparent shirt. We three met Kevs, Nades, & Nands at Yunnie, then Zack's for Brawl, then Andrew Iopu's where The Girls were at, and a good number of his own friends, then watched Hot Rod HAHA at the voiceless bilabial glides.
Norcamp returned home afterwards, Kelsey and Dara went to bed while Lorraine, Kevin, Nandrew, Nadine & I went to the Grey Lounge and played ping pong & foosball before Lorraine went to bed and the rest of us played frisbee on Denny Field at with Kevin's glow-in-the-dark frisbee. Finished the night at Nadine's room, eating Ube Cake and talking about pop songs from childhood: Burn, Teenage Dirtbag, Seven Days, No Diggity, &c. Everyone parted at 3 in the morning.
Right Effort I registered for classes. Basic Tagalog, Architecture of the Ancient World (cause ARCH is still a backup-backup, donchaknow), Chinese Art & Visual Culture, and Digital Arts & Media: History, Theory, Practise. I hope this is what I need; hopefully it won't be a scheduling fiasco like last time.
Right Mindfulness Today Norcamp, minus Nands, prepared for Cheese and the Street Fair on the Ave. Met up with Tim and Zack at the bus stop, Bill was there coincidentally. Busride downtown to Pike's and so much cheese was had. Sweet Baby Jesus. Honeydew Gelato, Visit to Zack's office, Return to the Ave for Street Fair. Roasted Cashews, Honeydew and Coconut bubbletea, and Norcamp split off while I stayed with Tim and Zack as we met up with Spencer Harold DeForest Wood (HAHA Tim) and a friend of theirs, was his name Jason? I'm so awful with names. Brawl at Zack's again, but I didn't play for long before I went to Zack's to check on teh internetz. Little Nap as Spencer and friend left, got a call to meet Norcamp for dinner. Said farewell to Zimothy/Tack and on the way, those paper-thing seed disc things were again falling like confetti in the air. A large amount had piled up on the sidewalk and I couldn't resist grabbing handfuls of it and throwing them up into the air like a loser and noticing that these people ahead of me were staring. Oh well, it was worth it. I saw one flying right at me farther up and ran to it and did a flying leap to grab it in the air. Held it in my hand the rest of the way back to The 8 and showed it to everyone and no one cared HAHA. Dinner, awkward love triangles between Kelsey, Dara, and Nades; Sunburns; Linguistics jokes Yay! Took some blankets and a frisbee and met with Nands back on the quad, where I took another nap. A return to Ian's for snack's then my room to watch Fight Club. We had to stop the movie when Kelsey said Edward Norton was better looking than Brad Pitt, which is a blisteringly incorrect lie. Even Kevin knew you were speaking blasphemies, Kelsey. Get with it. Everyone left at Midnight and Now I Blog.
Right Concentration F that S, I'm going to bed and tomorrow will be another day. Sunday Morning Brings the Dawn In.
And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool
Fleeting? Maybe. Sickening, perhaps. Perhaps part of a grand mood swing. Hilariously ridiculous in all the ~*teh ironeez*~?? Hellz yeah.
Really brilliant day yesterday. Not too hot, not too cold. Nice enough for Nadine & I to share mango ice cream on the balcony of McMahon. Woke up a little late, but that was alright. Sleepy still, & I don't know why.
Bought flowers for my mom with Nadine, Nicole, & Lorraine. I had wanted irises but there were just too many beautiful tulips that I couldn't pass them up, hard as I tried. Sat in the Seattle Art Museum gift shop for a while.
Funny thing is, one song kept playing in my head the entire time in my room.
I swear my iPod knows exactly the mood I am in. That or an infinity of fate and circumstance and awfulness and greatness continues to unfold before me. The entire silent exodus home, songs one after the other in shuffle seemed to work exactly in the way I would want them. 42 songs and each poignant or fitting or resistant or compliant or tragic or hopeful. Heart burst smilingly?
On board the ferry, after sleeping in a seat waiting for the boarding time, I left our booth for a while, wandered around. Stood on the front deck, out where wind was not a force, but movement's passage leaving and I stood there as "Many Rivers to Cross" played and sifted in the spaces between my headphones and my ears. I looked down unto the water, cleaved as it was by the ferry, like I had done on my first ride to Seattle with my parents, cousins, friends, uncles, aunties. Why did the sensation of cold wind, lidded, tearing eyes, birds static overhead, why did it all lose its freshness and its comfort?
I know ferries and I have ridden them to and from Bremerton and Seattle 11 years now. Sometimes in a sleepy stupor after a satisfying evening, sometimes laughing and warm by the food stands and friends, at least twice now crushed and bewildered with my stomach churning, eyes salted.
I looked over to my right and someone else, alone, stood on the deck and stared at the horizon. I looked forward in turn, the sky a sooted blue now, tiers of mountains in the distance each row receding in both colour and depth. He also had hands in his pockets, the telling white earbuds in his ears. What was he thinking? What was he listening to? Am I to really be so selfish in my sadness? The world felt smaller then, and it was a comfort. Who am I to complain? To be fraught and silenced into unencumbered supplication to the things I can't control?
Children and their parents ran onto the deck and I remembered myself. A woman and a man held hands, she left momentarily with her camera to catch a shot of a seagull seemingly tethered in place in the air, an invisible line stretched taut between its talons and the railing; a behemoth, rootless vessel skimming the waves connected to a fragile, winged freedom caught frozen.
I watched the Port of Seattle grow blurry. The Space Needle in all its height became a flatline with the rest. I saw the contours of the shoreline, once unknowable and intimidating as I left home for college, now spotted with points I had visited. "..and that's where we ran across the fountains and watched the Queen laser light show...and that's where Arabella's apartment is...and that's the direction of many amazing dim sum brunches...and that's where I rode a midnight bus, a 2:00 AM bus, a 5:00 AM bus...and that's the direction of where I live, the direction where home is, where the best people live, where I feel more at home and more safe than I have felt in a long, long while."
I made my way around the ferry, to the back and the violent water spun by turbines and propellors. "Many Rivers to Cross" had ended and I was listening to "Fade into You." I sat there for a while, behind the shielding of windows and let the song run its course. I walked back to our booth, head in "Heads Up, 7 Up" fashion, listening to my iPod, my mind a melted putty and I let it trickle out.
Good going. The going's good.
You'll get what you get when you get what you want.
I'm completely enraptured by design. I don't think there's anything else I want to do in my life right now. What else would I be going to college for? I'm just really, really ill-equipped to do anything substantial besides design. Even though though the substance of design can even be debated, it just seems so integral to me. I visited the CS building earlier in the week with Alana, Nandrew, and Nades and I was carrying my moleskine around when I saw someone with an orange version. I noted this to him and he noted mine and we both flipped through each other's work. He was a CS guy, so it was filled with intricately drawn tables and charts and facts and writing and mine was just with drawings. "Ah, so you're a designer, then?" I had never received such an amazing, warming, gratitude-inducing compliment such as that in a long while. It revitalised me to my core and I'm ready to duke it out.
M O N D A Y
I officially quit Ultimate Frisbee (sorry guys, I was miserable), and instead had a great time (window) shopping at Shiga's Import Store, Twice Sold Tales, American Apparel, Crossroads Trading Company, & Buffalo exchange with Nadine, then got some bubble tea at Yunnie. I bought Siddhartha by Herman Hesse and two Chinese yo-yos (one for Bill and one for me), both for the sheer nostalgia.
T U E S D A Y
I can't really remember what happened this day, but I know that I went to the IMA with Dara and Kevin, then that night I went to Sushi Land with Bill and people from his frat. Sushi Land is soo good. I had been wanting to go there for a while with Janelle then missed the opportunity to go with Derek, Swanson, Arabella, & Nadine during Sakura Con. Next time I have the oppurtunity, we MUST go. Gee whiz.
W E D N E S D A Y
Had one of those amazing life-is-wonderful days where I was just wandering around campus after classes and as I emerge from Mary Gates, I see TIM on a bench talking to one of his high school friends. We sit together for thirty minutes waiting for his class to start, talking and catching up since we hadn't seen each other in a while (like, 3 days). Lo and behold as we sit together BILL also emerges from Mary Gates on break from his Morphology class, holding a bag of Doritoes, which he proceeds to tip into his open mouth. Romantic HAHA. So Tim has to leave and Bill has to go back to class and I have to go to Schmitz to talk to an EOP advisor. I'm in red square when I cross paths with LORRAINE who just happens to be passing by on her bike. She talks about what an amazing dance class she just had and I about how good life has been and after a few minutes we part. As I walk down the stairs between Meany and Odegaard, I see NADINE coming back from her math class. It all makes me sigh with gratitude and disbelief. It's a beautiful life, non?
The advisors were full booked so I scheduled an appointment for the next day. I walk alone to the Ave and enjoy the solitude. I went to Magus Books and had a spending spree:
White Teeth by Zadie Smith
The Gift by Vladimir Nabokov
Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage by Alice Munro
Design Culture edited by Steven Heller and Marie Finamore
Afterwards, back to my room to prepare for the trip with Bill to University Village. Stayed there 'til 7:00 then met up with Kevin, Scooter John, Nandrew, Matt, Tim, Zack, and Nades at Yunnie. Studied Architecture with Zack for a bit afterwards, then onwards to Bill's. A very, very satisfying day.
T H U R S D A Y
I'm pretty sure I bombed my Architecture midterm. ARCH 251 is a South Asian Comparative Religions class, moonlighting as a History of India class, under the guise of a World Architecture class, in which we were tested on our knowledge of Geography and Sanskrit. What the hey, guy. What the hey.
After classes I go to see the advisors about extending the time I have to declare a major since I've only been here a year yet I'm already in Junior standing. It's nice but also constricts the classes you are available to take, since you don't really need them, and all the interesting classes you would want to take would only be filler and do nothing for the major you need. Shucks.
Met with Nadine before going to see the advisors, however, had a good time with her and Megan and her boyfriend, both of whom I hadn't seen since Sakura Con. Good times. After meetings and what not, I met with Bill again and we fixed up his bike with the Big Booty Seat. HAHA So adorable when he was pumping the tires and when he wore his helmet and when he was tired after biking uphill to the HUB. Ran across Kevs, Nicram, Lolau, Cameron, Jim, Nandrew, & Dara at The 8 and Nadine was working at Joehaus. I volunteered again with Lorraine at Rick's. Bill came too, left, then came back when Adil brought Brawl.
F R I D A Y
I'm actually pretty confident about my Linguistics midterm. Here I am blathering about school again when I know that five, ten, twenty years from now (since the internetz will never lose the information stored herein) I will cringe at my juvenility.
Good day. Went to the U Bookstore with Nandrew, Nades, and Kevs so Nandrew could shop for a birthday present for his friend. Good month for birthdays, wow. Tinkered with computers for a while and bought an issue of IdM, then we four of us walked to Ian's where Nadine left behind my Chinese Yo-Yo I had bought on Monday when we went shopping together. Le Sigh
Sat in on Kevin and Kelly's CSE 190 class, then went to Bill's to watch him play Paper Mario and took a nap 'til 6, when I met up with Nades, Nicram, Kevs, Lolau, and Barbero on the 31 to see Chase at SPU.
Chase showed us his amazing room, informed us that he got into SPU's Design Programme. OMG GOOD JOB, GUY!! Gahh! So cool! I hope to follow you into field soon, mang. We're all so excited and proud of you!
We all took the 13 to Queen Anne and ate at an amazing Thai restaurant named Thai Kitchen. So good. Amazing dinner conversation. I was laughing the entire time. I finally used my free coffee ticket at Peet's where Chase's Little Friend (Ben) works. I got the most amazing coffee I've ever had, and I can't usually stand coffee. Hazelnut Soy Latte. Get it.
We all walked back to SPU from Queen Anne in the dark, danced and sang along the way. Raced Nicole up the stairs of SPU and Chase showed us the magic trick at the centre of the circle in the middle of his campus. Watched Dave Chappelle's Block Party and I played on a short board. My BFFs are amazing people and I don't know what I'd do without them (besides hang out with my other BFFs HAHA JAY KAY LOL). Gahd do I love Erykah Badu & the Fugees. Watching Lauren Hill sing "Killing Me Softly" brought me back to my childhood and everything was so much more lucid then before.
Left Chase with, in Nadine's words, a ~*Big Group Hug*~ then us UW kids took a bus downtown. During the twenty-minute wait I showed everyone the Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang game and it was so so so fun/ny. Randomly saw Sarah Aspens while waiting for a Seventy-Something back to campus. Said goodbye to everyone and met up with the sweet and soul-stirring sight of a very sleepy Bill at his apartment. The days just keep getting better. Fit to burst, and then some.
W E E K E N D
Saturday, 3:00 PM to Sunday 8:00 AM, was the UW Relay for Life with Nades, Kevs, Barbero, Dara bo Bara, Lolau, Mandrew, and Nicram and her floor. So much junk food consumed. I refuse to eat chips, ice cream, chocolate, cookies, &c. for at least a month. More, even. It's just not worth the nauseating feeling of engorgement. Barfalicious def def def def def def...
I actually stayed only til' 6:00 AM, realising that if I stayed any longer I would lose my mind. It was really fun, though. Awfully cold, though. There was a dance party with the best of the 90s. Dancing is so, so fun. Moar, plz. Earlier, though (the dance was at 3:00 AM), during the lighting of the Luminaria, it was very somber and very sad. People were crying and holding hands and talking about the people they knew/know with cancer. Kevin, Nadine, Kelsey, Dara and I sat in the bleachers watching all the people circle the track and it was just nice sitting with my best friends. Forced closeness involved but it was all good. HAHA
Catchphrase, Pink Blanket, KC & Jojo, Naps, Dinner break to University Teriyaki with Kevin and Bill, Frisbee, Frisbee-Soccer, Really, really fun. Bill, you would have liked it for the dance party alone, since they played Aqua and Cascada. I have your voice singing that "Run away from love," song stuck in my head HAHA.
Sunday was a beautiful day of fine weather (BUT WHY NOT ON SATURDAY WHEN I ACTUALLY NEEDED IT TO BE?! GATDANG GODS OF RAIN AND COLD, WHY?!) the surprise party for Zack, who's turning a glorious twenty-years-old on Wednesday. Andrew Iopu's birthday is also on the seventh, and it looks like we all might go to Gasworks at night. Hurrah! We made a box of reasons we all like Zack (Tim you're so cute HAHA), and after Nadine, Zack, and I schooled Tim, Mandrew, and Badminton Jon at Turbo Cranium, Brawl and Cheesecake (UGH no more junkfood EVAR), then Bill came back from work when I thought things couldn't possibly get better.
Earlier today I went to the CS Building again (what a beautiful space) with Nandrew and Nades, looked at Computer Love and ffffound.com and went back to my room to try to work on some design stuff for my portfolio, but I had such a monstrous headache I just went to bed again. My sleeping patterns are messed up. All this after a week where I had slept constantly before 2:00 AM and woke up on my own around 8:20 AM every morning without an alarm. Let's try to get back on that track, mang.
Good going, dear reader. You are a golden animal. You are a destoyer of worlds.
