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Past Ramblings
Ancient History
Summer 2002
In The Past
Return to Normalcy
End of an Era
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SONGS:
Get Loose - The Salads
Love Soon - John Mayer
Brown Eyed Blues - Ben Harper
Love Is All Around - Mary Tyler Moore Show Theme
Emraceable You - Ella Fitzgerald
Cecilia - Simon & Garfunkel
Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes
I Touch Myself - Divinyls
FEELING:
(Click for details...)
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Things just keep getting weirder.
Or at least more complicated.
Plans are constantly changing...
So we lost yet another person at work today.... for totally different reasons... reasons which I'm not entirely clear on... but yeah. So... they just spent the past week working on the new arrangements... new schedule/plan since we lost the last person... and now they have to do it alllll over again. I feel bad for J&K. But I'm not really worried at all. I mean... it doesn't really phase me too much... I'm worried for the person... but I think we'll be totally fine... have more on each one of our plates... but I know we can do it... I've loved how much tighter the team has become in the past week... and I think we'll just get even better. It's actually kind of exciting (in a... which it didn't have to be in these unfortunate circumstances kinda way)... but at the same time... I think we're just going to become more streamlined... and everything will be great.
Just keep rollin' with the punches... takin' it all in stride.
It's kinda funny how when something major shakes up the foundation a bit at work... I take it all in stride... and go with the flow... (so many cliches [wish I knew how to do the accents on the 'e's] in this entry).... and I'm just so positive and confident... that everything will be okay... and we can overcome anything... etc. etc...
I mean... I know I am generally fairly optimistic and positive in most aspects of my life... but the whole "I can overcome anything" thing isn't quite as strong in my personal life....
My job is such a solid part of my life. Inside the doors of that store... I am so confident. I guess you could say that job brings out the best in me. I put a lot in to my work. I love it. I used to hate talking on the phone... but now I call up all kinds of companies and ask questions and communicate... (about stuff... that really... I'm pretty new to) like it's nothing... A complete stranger will come in the store... and I can approach them... and make conversation... make a connection with them... I've built relationships with a bunch of customers over the years... I love being around town and meeting someone I met through the store... a customer that just came in the store to buy something... and I helped them out... and now I see them some of them on the street and we'll stop and chat for a few minutes... and I get to know these people on a personal level. It's just so cool. Before I started there... I never would be able to go up to a complete stranger and just shoot the breeze... that job has brought so much out of me... and it's not just when I'm inside those doors now... it has extended outside of work too.
I find myself walking down the street and smiling at complete strangers as they walk by... carrying on conversation with complete strangers while waiting at a corner to cross the street... it's just made me so much less shy.
It makes me feel so good sometimes. It's really rewarding. And getting to work with the students... training them... being a teacher... and just working in such a closely-knit team. It's really great. And I know it sounds really corny... and 'punny' *rolls eyes* but it's like a kind of family. Or at least a really special circle of friends.
When we were sitting around in J&K's kitchen tonight... having our drinks... talking... people's kids running around... getting to know their kids... just sitting around... and relaxing... talking the time when so much has been thrown at us kind of to just say... hey... there's no point in worrying and getting ourselves worked up about this... we can do it... it'll all be fine... let's just have fun. Lately I've been having some really great conversations with people at work. It's all made all of us really define what is really important in life... like... just the simple things... and realizing how much excess stuff we worry about that we don't really have to... or spend way too much time focusing on. It's just really cool. We're learning together... but I'm also learning from them... all these people, who are older than me (but yet somehow also my peers) that have experienced many things that I have yet to go through... and hearing their stories... and advice... it makes me think about what is really important to me... and I can feel myself developing as a person. It's just great. It makes you appreciate life. I dunno... it's a great feeling.
I hope we do this more often. Maybe we'll all go to Down the Street again soon and chill out on the patio.
Just in this past week... so much has happened and we all keep saying that it's just going to bring us closer together... and it really has. Like it's weird... how much more I feeling I'm getting to know people on a more personal level kind of... or just feel this kind of equality... and like we're all on the same level... we all understand the common goals etc. etc.... I think we're a much healthier team... this would not have been possible with Lisa here at all... it's just a totally different atmosphere now and I feel so much better about stuff. It's really great. I love that place... and I love the people I work with. It's awesome. :p
So yeah... That's all my sentimental mush for now.... I am going in to work tomorrow now... so it's kind of handy it worked out that way... for the store... because it would really suck for them to be down yet another person on a Friday... and this does mean that I think I may have to be taking tomorrow night too. Which kind of sucks... because I kind of had other plans... which may still work out partially... I'm really confused. We'll see. No worries right? ;) Yeah.
Anyway... going to see if my Dad will try to rub my shoulder/neck for me before I go to bed 'cause it's still reeeeally sore/tight from yesterday morning.... and I really wouldn't mind if the pain would go away. :p
Night.
Thursday, April 29, 2004 11:12 p.m.
Things are weird lately. Like all awkward and weird. I don't like it. It sucks a whole lot. Today I felt meh-ish. First of all... I woke up this morning (on the couch... 'cause I fell asleep last night while trying to watch 'Big Fish' with my Dad) and had this horrible pain in my neck/right shoulder... hurt to move slash put arm in normal resting position (ie I've had my shoulder scrunched up close to my head all day).... and it still hurts.
Anyway... I did lay back down and sleep for another hour though after I woke up... and glad I did... 'cause I had a very nice dream. :) But yeah...
I want to go clothes shopping again. Like serious clothes shopping. Today I wasn't happy with what I was wearing... and I know this probaly sounds dumb and somewhat superficial... possibly... but wearing something nice just makes me feel good. And today I just felt like my outfit was thrown together sort of... which it was really... just basically covered myself because I had to (not that I'd want to go out in public naked.... God no) but just put stuff on soley for the purpose of covering myself... not taking any other factors in to consideration... and I just felt blah.
I need to work on organizing myself and making myself feel good. I kinda wish I had some time off. I'd probably sleep a good chunk of it away. :p
I did have a productive break though... finally took my watch to Konrad to get him to put in a new battery so I can tell time again... went to the drug store to buy a spiffy new toothbrush and some batteries for my discman so I could listen to my new Simon & Garfunkel CD ;) Oh yeah. AND I still had enough time to eat. All in 1/2 an hour.
Work wasn't too bad today. Enjoyed going over new stuff with Kelly. We're gonna be getting sooo much cool new stuff in. :)
I need more socks. All mine keep disappearing. I swear my sister must be stealing them... but I go in her room to try to find them... and I just step in the door... look around... and don't even bothering trying 'cause there's heaps of clothes everywhere. Hmm... maybe my white long sleeved shirt's in there too... haven't seen it in a bit either. Or my blue 'nature lover' shirt... yeah... where the hell is that? Man that shirt is so nice and soft...
Anyway... should go... not thinking of anything worth saying... so I think I'll go to my pillow which has been persuasively calling my name asking me to come to bed. :p
Bon soir. ;)
Wednesday, April 28, 2004 11:07 p.m.
Make me tired. Let me sleep.
Friday, April 23, 2004 10:20 p.m.
I'm loving Dave Matthews a whole lot right now. A whole lot.
Thursday, April 22, 2004 12:00 a.m.
I had some crazy dreams last night. Two to be exact... and I know they were both really interesting... but I can only remember the one of them for some reason... mainly because it was the most disturbing of the two.... woke up not very happy... but very thankful it was just a dream. :p
Had a pretty cool day today.
Let's just say the entry from this morning is now obsolete because as of about oh say... noonish today my main reason for dreading work... or the source of the only negativity I experience at work... just went away. What a glorious day.
And now I have the house to myself for the next 4 and a half hours... so I'm going to crank up the tunes... go through some old stuff... get rid of a few pictures... replace some pictures I have in frames with new ones... possibly rip some stuff... will all be very cleansing... then I'm going to do my workout video :p and call James and Laurel... and possibly email Jac. Will be a very lovely evening.
Monday, April 19, 2004 05:49 p.m.
I soooooo do not want to go back to work today. Meh meh meh.
Monday, April 19, 2004 07:24 a.m.
I wish I could run.... I mean... without it hurting... it's probably just 'cause I'm not the most fit person on earth... maybe if I started small and worked at it... I dunno... I just feel like running. But for now... turning up the radio and jumping on my bed was a nice substitute.
Maybe I should get a trampoline. That would be fun.
Sunday, April 11, 2004 01:09 p.m.
So... as I was sitting in the cab on my way home... I was thinking.
And I know I always say this... and never seem to be able to do it with much success....
but man... sometimes I wish I would just stop talking.
Or at least only speak when necessary... or something....
I can never seem to find the words when the 'right words' are needed... I mean... I don't know... I feel a lot. I wish I could express myself more clearly.
Or sometimes I wish I could just let someone read my mind... so they can see it... because sometimes I have a hard time letting it out.
And sometimes... I just say the completely wrong thing and the completely wrong time... if there ever is a right time to say something completely wrong?.....
I think I feel a lot more acurately (sp??) than I speak... that's for sure. Though I suppose that's probably true for most.
And I think a lot. And I remember a wise person saying to me a few days ago.... to say what I think.... or say what I'm thinking.
But I think so much... and I'm so shy sometimes. I wish I could just be fully confident with my thoughts... but you know how it is.... I suppose it's different in different situations.
But yeah... I know it would be next to impossible for me to take a vow of silence. But sometimes I just seem to dig myself in to a deeper hole by talking.
I mean... sometimes... I actually attempt to put my thoughts in to words... and get them out... but it just doesn't work that well....
It can be embarassing. I feel like such a ditz sometimes.
But I know I'm not a ditz... I just probably come across that way. And that's fine I guess. Because anyone that would believe I'm a ditz doesn't really know me. So too bad for them. :p They're missing out. So HA! :p
At the same time... all this not speaking my mind... can really eat away at me... it would eat away at anyone... and I know I want to let out my thoughts... well... at least some of them... the ones that eat away at me I guess... but I'm just scared sometimes of the outcome... like... if I say that... (insert name of person I am saying said thought to) might be completely offended... or... something along those lines.
I guess this all goes along with the 'Much unhappiness has come into the world because of things left unsaid" -Dostoevsky
(I really like that quote... obviously... or I wouldn't have it at the top of my pita...)
I know I'd just make myself unhappy by not talking. I love talking... and really I shouldn't care if somebody doesn't like what I'm saying.... well I mean... I should care to some extent... but probably not to the extent I do.
Annnnyway.... moral of the story... I like talking. I want to talk. Talk to me.... so I can talk back. Or something.
I'm going to go to bed now... because I have to get up rather early... I think we'll probably all have to be up before my Mom leaves for work... being Easter morning and all... 'cause it's tradition and all... and my Mom has to leave for work befor 8am I think.... or close to it. Then I'm going to church too.
But I had to come on here and type my thoughts... however clearly they came out.
Good thing I had a few hours long nap this afternoon....
Goodnight.
Sunday, April 11, 2004 03:51 a.m.
Maybe I'll just go to bed again.
Friday, April 9, 2004 09:35 p.m.
Fuck everything.
Friday, April 9, 2004 09:31 p.m.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Friday, April 9, 2004 09:25 p.m.
Went to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind in Guelph last night with James & Melanie... and another girl whose name starts with a 'C' I think... but I can't remember it.... which is bugging me...
Anyway... I've wanted to see that movie so badly.
I looooooove it. It was really good.
Which reminds me... Dulcie, we're supposed to go to the Princess this month to see Love Actually... if you're reading this, remind me to ask you about it.
Oooh... and is the Corporation still on in Stratford? Anyone know?
All for now, night.
Wednesday, April 7, 2004 11:22 p.m.
So. Work this week.... not entirely great. Had one really good day. Rest... were kinda meh. I don't like this feeling... of everything being arranged for my leaving... I remember, the first year of my working there full time... even for more than a year... everyone was always telling J&K, "I don't know what we'd do without Kristin." Now it seems they're just all hungry to take over my job... and they look... well... not everyone... and not all to the same extent... they look for things I've missed... any little thing... and delight in pointing them out to me.
I'd like to see them in my position and see them catch every single little detail that goes by them. I do a good job. I know I'm definitely not perfect... and I'm the first person to notice all my mistakes... and I feel guilty enough as it is when I miss something... I don't need people shoving it in my face. Errrrr!
Geez. I'm sick of being criticized for methods I didn't even make up... like Kristin "Doug is spending way too much time processing orders..." Like it was me who came up with the way in which we do it... Hellooooooo. That's fine. I agree... but don't make it out to be my fault.
J&K are great. I'm glad they're back... because they're so supportive.... I was thinking the other day, after a conversation with John, how much he feels like a second father sometimes. They always make me feel good about the job I'm doing... not that they don't ever suggest ways to improve... but they always tell me what a wonderful job I'm doing.
No one else looks at things and says, 'Wow Kristin, that was great. You did a really good job with this.'... Not that I'm asking for people to pat me on the head... I'm just saying... I do a lot of good stuff... but all they do is look as hard as they can for the things I do wrong. And when I say they I mainly mean Lisa. Grrr. Sometimes I get along with her just great. But then she pulls out bitch mode... and I can't help thinking how fake she is probably being the rest of the time.
As dumb as this may sound after all these rants... I really do like my job. I love it. And I am having a difficult time right now... about the possibility of me leaving... John has said that I will always have a job at F&C. If I go to school, and I don't like it... I can always come back to F&C. But I won't necessarily be coming back to the job I have right now as 'Inventory Controller'... and that's what I really really love. It is sooo cool.
I love working with Janis. She & I have a good understanding. I love Janis. It kinda sucks (for me) that she has Thursdays and Fridays off again. But having the office to myself sometimes is fun too.
I have to give John a better idea of my plan for the next year before Easter.... on like Apr. 7th or something is my meeting. I don't necessarily have to have my decision made... but I need to tell him what will happen in both scenarios... ie... if I get in to Guelph (which I have identified as my top choice)... will I go for sure? (John keeps saying, oh, you'll get in to Guelph won't you? Like he's so sure I've got the grades.... but he hasn't seen my report cards from the last year of high school.)
I've told him that either I'm going to go to school this September 2004. Or I will go September 2005 and spend the rest of next year (ie Sept 2004-Sept 2005) working there, vollunteering somewhere... travelling a bit (not for a long time... like a month MAX probably... but want to go somewhere), getting my G2 (and yes I realize getting my G2 implies that I will first have to get my G1)... and getting myself prepared to going to school in Sept. 2005.
I don't know that I can say for sure right now that if I get in to Guelph right now, that I will go this September. However, I think I can say that if I don't get in to Guelph, that I will wait before going into a different school to try to get in to Guelph for next year.
Yeah. Anyways... I'm going to stop talking now because this entry is getting to be entirely too long.
Have SCB concert today. Should be okay.... HAVE to work on finishing all that uni./college paperwork today.
Hopefully this week at work I can turn things around and be strong and kick some ass. Do my best and just keep plugging away upstairs and get everything so organized and finally clean up the whole system once and for all... once I do it, it will be the best the system has ever been... I just want to get it done... Once I can clean up all the mess in the system that was made before me... it will be soooooooooooo much easier to maintain myself.
Anyway... stopping talking.
Going to have some more cereal, then read more of my book.
Later.
Sunday, March 28, 2004 09:31 a.m.
Man.
This week is... crackin' up to be quite the week.... I guess.
So... tomorrow is Wednesday... and I haven't even got to clean one little thing up off the inventory system at work this week. Have I got to any of the price changes yet? Nope. 'Cause I've been too busy with all the stupid orders and people calling me constantly. "Kristin, somebody Daniels line 1....". (The guy's name is John.)
"Kristin, Dave from Outset Media wants you to call him back about the order you faxed."... "Kristin, can I have the *insert company name here* catalogue?".... Ah!
And don't think those are the only calls I got today... I talked to Jane alone at least 3 times today. Randy once. Peter (who was very friendly) once. The guy from Puzzle Master once. Oh, and then Roger, when I called John back and he was on the other line. I'm sure I'm forgetting a few.
But it's cool. I don't actually mind talking to these people on the phone... it's just I have other stuff I want to do too. Meh.
It's not like I can tell them to all go away and leave me alone... 'cause all this stuff needs to get done too 'cause the store is emmmmmpty. We need stock. Errrrrr. Anyways... hopefully... HOPEFULLY, I'll get to the computer clean-up tomorrow... I mean, it's only supposed to be my main project.... damn customers always wanting stuff... special orders... like geez... (just kidding).
At least I've been keeping up with that pretty well I guess. My other project has just fallen out of the picture.
C'est la vie.
And I haven't done anything about finishing up the odds and ends of my applications yet this week. I was going to last night... but I ended up 'resting'/'sleeping' for the majority of the evening 'cause I didn't really feel like it and was tired.
If I wanted a drug to make me sleepy, I'd take a sleeping pill. This sucks.
Hopefully seeing Dr. Langford tomorrow will help... but I dunno... if she increases my dose... won't it just make me more tired? Who knows.
I think the main reason I'm tired is because I had been actually fairly active for a while there.... and then all of a sudden any exercise I was getting just came to an abrupt stop... and I don't think my body likes it... and I kinda just lazed around all weekend... sleepin' and stuff... which you might think would make me less tired, but I found that since I've been back to work (ie yesterday and today)... I haven't been quite as down as I was on the weekend sitting on my ass not doing anything. I think getting out does me good. Some sort of structure... (a chaotic structure of paper everywhere on every possible surface in the office with notes to self/phone messages everywhere) But going to work. I don't know. And seeing people... that's the most important thing... 'cause I like being social.
Stupid band tomorrow is extended... we have to show up at 7:00... which is great. 'Cause that won't make me more tired. And make my evening even more tightly-scheduled. Meh. Maybe I'll just stay at work until band... possibly help work on J&K's office... and then maybe... possibly... get more of my work done. :) (That would be nice.) Get some grub... then go to band....
Or I could go home after work, bang off a couple of my things I need to send off. And then go back in for band.
So many possibilities. So little decisiveness.
So then... Thursday... off to Guelph for the day. Will maybe (hopefully get to see Laurel). Then... Friday... wasn't supposed to work... but decided I will.... (I need to, plus don't really care to go to Laurier open house since I don't really want to go there... I just applied to any remote possibilities in order to waste more of my money apparently.) But then there's my brother's fiancee's grandma's funeral on Friday too... in Toronto... which I thought maybe I'd go to... my parents are going... but I may not go, and may spend the day at work instead.
Then, maybe, after work, I will go to Tango with Dulcie...
Which would be cool. I love Tango. AND, I love Dulcie.
Then Saturday night, I'm gonna go to Waterloo to Kerri's place to par-tay. Then Sunday... I think I'm gonna be on call for work.
YEAH!
All for now. Will possibly go to bed now. Except now I'm a bit revved up after talking 'bout all this.
But I'll probably still be able to fall asleep, and probably won't make it past the first line of Inaudible Melodies.
Good night.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004 11:53 p.m.
So, here I am.
I told James I was going to make a pita entry.... and here I am. 'Cause I just have so much goin' on in my head.... and I want to get it out.
Althoooooough, now that I'm home... I'm gettin' kinda sleepy.
I had visions of this being a realllllllly long entry.
Wow. However.... as I am currently falling asleep between words...I will maybe save any previously planned talking slash words of wisdom... slash... witty comments.... slash revealing thoughts/feelings will maybe be saved for another time.
Sorry to disappoint.
But hey... apparently I'm see-through anyways... so it don't matter. ;)
Though... I wouldn't say completely see-through.... 'cause some things people see I think they see a little bit wrong. Me no know.
Anyways... end of entry....
This message will self-destruct.
Saturday, March 6, 2004 02:46 a.m.
I am content. Things will be okay. I feel all starry-eyed. :p
I could go for another massage right now.... but ya know what I could go for even more than a massage? Sleep. Oh yeah. Sweet sweet sleep.
Going to go have some cereal. Then sleep. :p
I wonder if I'll go to church tomorrow.... I don't really feel like it... all I feel like doing is curling up in my bed. We'll see. Bon soir.
Saturday, February 28, 2004 09:27 p.m.
Thank you for making me smile tonight. :)
The smile felt good. I needed it.
I'm burning a hole inside myself.... it seems. I need to be strong.
I had an overwhelming urge a few minutes ago, to not go to work tomorrow.... to stay home... and lay in bed all day. Without moving... or at least very little movement. But that's not going to happen. I've just got to keep going... right? eh? *wink* *wink*
At least I have the office to myself tomorrow. That's good.
I'll be fine anyway. (And by fine I mean okay..... not f.i.n.e.) :p
Goodnight.
Monday, February 23, 2004 10:23 p.m.
I love how seemingly little things have the power to make me smile.
Sunday, February 22, 2004 11:02 p.m.
I am shy. I am a procrastinator. (Big time into the procrastinating... that's for sure.) I don't want to go to school yet. (Or at least I don't want to have to finish this whole application process right now... takes way too much energy... or at least... more energy than I care to spend on it....) I just want to take care of me.
I think I might take Friday off and have my own spa day.
Massage (man what I would do for one right now... mmmmmmmm)... facial... ooohhh, and I'll sleep in too. ;) Yeeeeeeah.
Mmmm... laying down.... fast approaching sleep... soooo good. Will go do that now.
Saturday, February 21, 2004 11:24 p.m.
What am I any good for? I feel so mediocre.
I haven't been feeling so great about myself the past couple days I guess. I'm shy, and everything is bottled up... but I can't let it out 'cause I'm scared. Once my thoughts or feelings are out they are vulnerable to being rejected.
Sometimes I just want a hug. A nice long hug. But most of the time I'm too shy to ask.
There's always so much to say... and I want to say it... but for some reason I never allow myself. Better safe than sorry I guess. Sometimes I don't always have the right thing to say though... sometimes I just feel blank... a lot of the times I can't think of the right thing to say at the right time... and I always think of what I should have said once it's too late.
What good am I to anybody though? I just sit there. A bump on a log. No use to anyone. What can I contribute at all?
I have no idea.
I think maybe all of the suppressed thoughts/feelings are maybe 'causing me to doubt myself... like... because I've kept them in so long... but if you take the thoughts & feelings out... on their own... they can be positive things... but when I hold them in so long and not allow them out... I am starting to have to come up with reasons to justify my keeping them in... like... 'there's no point'... 'how could that ever work'... to give me some reason to keep hiding. To justify it all.... but I just end up feeling worse. I don't know.
Whatever.
Why is it the things I want most are the things I'm most scared of?
I'm going to go now. Read maybe if I can find the energy and the concentration... otherwise go to sleep. Going to resist temptation to put on & listen to the song I've had in my head all day... the one that describes how I feel... 'cause it's sad... and it will just bring me down... or at least leave me where I am... and solidify it... and I don't want this to be solidified.
Night.
Friday, February 20, 2004 10:47 p.m.
Where did I go?
Am I still here? Or is this the person I see when I look in the mirror every morning just a shell of my former self?
There is so much pressure right now to decide what I want... but I struggle to answer. Part of me has no idea.... but I know I have some wants.... I just also have a lot of fear and little strength to express these wants with.
But when it comes down to it... I'm still unsure. It's hard sometimes when I get the impression that some of the things I want aren't good enough for people... I know it's me that needs to decide what's good enough for me.... but what if the thing I want most isn't good enough for everyone else... or what everyone else wouldn't consider good enough in general....
I know I shouldn't care what other people think. Part of me thinks they might be right... but the other part just wishes all this pressure of any sort would cease to exist and I could just live my life doing whatever makes me happy day by day. Or something.....
I hate feeling like I've let people down.
I just wish that whatever is good enough for me would be good enough for everyone else... If it makes me happy... that should be good enough right? Maybe.
I know I seem to need a push sometimes though.
And this isn't just about university... or college... it applies to other areas of my life as well I think... all this pressure/what I want/fear etc...
The thought of taking a 3rd (yes 3rd) year off is on my mind... not that it's been off my mind.... I mean... the idea of going to school at all has been a question...
It's weird having a job like I have now... it's like a "real" job... I mean if I was still just a magician like I was when I started... it'd be a lot easier to tear myself away.... :p But I really like what I'm doing now...
Anyway... I had a tall list of all the things I was going to do with my year when I'd decided not to go to school... and of course my views have changed a little bit... but I still have accomplished very little of what I'd said I'd like to have done. I wanted to travel a bit. And I haven't really done that much at all, aside from Alberta.
I can't even remember everything I'd said I was going to do... or was thinking of doing... voice lessons (yes, voice lessons... that didn't happen), think I may have said start piano again... probably saxophone lessons... or at least intended to practice it once in a blue moon (hasn't happened so much)... managed to stay in Concert Band... getting my license.... had intended to start vollunteering somewhere which hasn't entirely happened... I've been pretty consumed into the routine of work... and I like work... but I want more too. Like a social life... and a life outside of work... I don't do a lot of stuff for myself really too much. I think I'd really like to do some travelling... well... it would be a great experience... I just kind of wish I still had more time. I don't know. Like... I don't even feel... as much as I love my job... that I've done it to my full potential... John & Kelly always praise me and stuff... but I know it's not my best... I often feel like I'm just hanging on by a thread. And, if I could... I'd like to be my full self again... like... start taking care of myself... and be my full self... and show everyone (I know I should just show myself... and I want to... I think I may need to see myself do it)... that I can do it.
If I were in school right now I'd probably flunk out... I find it hard enough to get myself out of bed in the morning. Though... I can function fairly well for work... I dunno. I always do this... procrastinate everything and then once all the time is gone... I find myself wishing for more time.
It's not like I haven't grown or learnt anything at all over the past year and a half or whatever... a lot has happened... but I think more still could/should happen.
Sigh. Well... I think I'm all talked out.
Goodnight.
Thursday, February 19, 2004 07:41 p.m.
I am tired.
Pretty damn tired.
I think sleeping is the thing I'm best at. While.... I'm really good at sleeping... but not as good at the sticking to a regular sleep pattern. I could sleep forever though.
Last night I didn't want to go to sleep... 'cause I was somewhat scared I wouldn't get up. I feel like I'm losing strength... not that I had a whole lot to begin with... but yeah, you know. (Maybe?) I mean... I just feel weak. Like I don't have much strength to deal with things. With all the questions and stuff floating around in my mind. I'd rather just lay in bed all day... (well maybe not rather lay in bed all day... I'd raaather have all my feelings and thoughts out in the open... and have them accepted... and everything be the way I want it to. :) Mmmm... that would be nice.) But even laying in bed all day... I'd still think about everything... I just wouldn't have to move. ;)
Yeeeeaaaah. Lack of moving.... think I'll go to bed now. Night.
Sunday, February 15, 2004 10:37 p.m.
And Happy Valentine's Day...
I'm really going now.
Saturday, February 14, 2004 11:24 p.m.
I wonder what would happen if I said everything I want to say, and did everything I want to do.
Saturday, February 14, 2004 11:20 p.m.
Why can't I express myself? Why do words... or at least the proper words... always escape me. I hate being so blank.
I have all these thoughts and feelings all bottled up... and I can't get them out. When I do think of the right thing to say, it's always too late... after the fact. Sometimes I can express myself better through writing... than through speaking. But what is that? If I'm trying to carry on a conversation with someone... in person... I can't just wip out my notepad and scribble down what I want to say all the time... I need to be able to speak dammit.
I guess it's easier to write because I can take time and pause over my words... and at first... when I'm writing, I'm just writing to myself... nobody else sees it... while I'm writing it... so I don't have anything to be scared of.... maybe. But when I talk... I just open my mouth... and the words come out... (awkwardly more often than not)... right away.
Just a thought.
Anyway... I'm tired. I'm going to get my pjs on and watch the tape my cousin, Rebecca lent me of the last episode of the O.C. that I missed. Then... go to bed. Night.
Saturday, February 14, 2004 11:02 p.m.
but this is all that i have, so please
take what's left of this heart, and use
please use only what you really need
you know I only have so little, so please
mend your broken heart and leave
Friday, February 13, 2004 11:22 a.m.
Okay.
For the record.
I am not crazy... now, I may have my issues... but so does everyone else. Give me a fucking break.
I try to be nice. But hey... I can't please everybody.
Geez!!!!
I'm not sure I can even think right now. I am confused. Really flippin confused. WHAT THE HELL? I had a couple good hours in there tonight... but then I was just yanked right out of it. You know how many different people I've had yell at me today? Four. And I guess that's not a really high number. But it still really fucking sucks. I can't even think right now.
In a conversation I had with my boss yesterday... she said that I wear my heart on my sleeve... and she's exactly right. However, I don't recall throwing it on the ground and asking people to stomp all over it. Geez.
Friday, February 13, 2004 12:02 a.m.
I am tired and confused and apprehensive and unsure. I feel distant. I'm going to lay down.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 10:16 p.m.
I just want sleep. That's all. Okay... and maybe some clarity.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004 07:24 a.m.
I'm so shy. Dammit.
Monday, February 2, 2004 10:17 p.m.
Quite possibly the longest pita entry ever... sweeeeeet.
Sunday, February 1, 2004 03:37 a.m.
Hey! It's me!!
Yes... me.
You heard it. Kristin freakin Fox.
Guess what I specialize in?
Making an ass out of myself. ;) Annnnd... finding out things I never wanted to know.
Annnnd... never talking when I should talk. Annnnnnnnd talking too much when I shouldn't talk.
Well... at least I made the 'Crazies' list. There's something to be proud of. ;)
Woooooo!
Right... should be drinking water now. *opening bottle*
Why isn't Laurel online? Maybe she's not back from the party yet? *shrugs shoulders* Me no know.
But it would be cool if she was online.
Then we could chat. :p And she would make me laugh. :p
And we would talk about out plans for what we're gonna do when we're 40. ;)
'Cause I think we both know that's gonna happen. Well... at least for me. 'Cause I'm too cool.
GOD!
more water...
Sometimes I forget how stupid I was in the past. And... I guess then I didn't realize how stupid and naive I was. But now I do... obviously... and it's just like wow... that really sucks. I was so happy then... kinda... in a way... I mean... you know... at least partially... and it was fun... but it was all artificial I guess. Stupid, stupid Kristin... at least you've learnt your lesson now. Never trust anyone. ;) ;)
hehehe
Sometimes my current me gets mad at how naive the past me was. Then I get upset. But truthfully... I guess I don't really care that much. So it shouldn't upset me. Right? Me no know.
I was though, very good tonight. I said no... I don't think so. I ain't no foo. :p I lookin' out fo numba 1. And you know who numba 1 is? Me. Dat's right. Kristin. ;)
Mmm... I wonder if there's any birthday cake left......
Nah... I don't want to eat right now.
Say something profound Kristin.... come on... you're rambling here....
Uhhhh...
K... so nothing profound at the moment.
But... I'm not upset 'cause I still care. I'm upset because I'm pissed someone thought so little of me to just go and do something mean and hurtful like that. Ass.
That's all. I'm just stickin' up for the old Kristin. :p Poor old, unknowledgeable, naive, blind and silly Kristin. :p
But the current Kristin isn't gonna waste her freakin' time.
*more water*
"If you fall in a bottomless pit, you die of starvation...." (that one's fo you Lolo. ;) )
Annnyway... I think that's hella tight.
Hehehehe... I like rambling. :D
Ahhh shit. I just remembered I put my sheets in the laundry today... my bed's not made... man, this sucks.
Heeeeeey, maybe I could just sleep on my other bed. ;)
Naaaah... too much stuff piled on top of there.
Booo.
I need to clean my room.
Know what's sad? No one ever writes in my guestbook anymore.
Well... at least I don't have people writing hate messages like I always used to get. So maybe I shouldn't complain. *shrugs shoulders*
You know what else is funny? When people like Laurel write annonymous messages... 'cause I can trace them... and it says it's from someone at the University of Guelph. :p hehehe
I love Laurel.
Know what's dumb? How I'm completely honest with the people I shouldn't be completely honest with... and then how I am too damn shy to be completely honest with the people I wish I were completely honest with.
And P.S.-My shirt is not that revealing. Why does everyone make fun of me when I wear this shirt? Errrg.
Emotions suck.
So does fear.
Man... I just want a fucking hug.
I miss Lolo... I want her to be online so we can overanalyze together. :D Girl talk is coo... I can't wait til Spa Day. Maybe I'll have something to talk about then? *shrugs shoulders* Me no know.
I think I'm gonna go change into my comfy pants. They're my black, Roots pants... and they say 'Roots ACTIVE' on them... but I laugh... 'cause I think for me... they should really say Roots INactive... *shrugs shoulders* Those pants know nothin'.
Night.
Sunday, February 1, 2004 02:58 a.m.
I need my pills. :(
Saturday, January 31, 2004 04:28 p.m.
'True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.'
Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:22 a.m.
I am happy. :)
Eeeeeee (girly squeal)! :p
Finished my university application this morning. That was a load off. As soon as my transcripts are in the mail... I am going to have a party.... even if it is just me... hahaha... suddenly I have 'Dancing with Myself' in my head. :p
Annnnyway
This weekend was "hella tight". hehe... Thank you Laurel, dear, for being so gracious as to let me into your home. Had some great talks ;) ;) and some good times. Shopping was good... but I probably shouldn't have spent as much money as I did on clothes... but that's okay... they're cool. :) I enjoyed Van Gogh's on Saturday night... it had a nice atmosphere... we'll leave it at that. Oh yeah... and the reason I went to Laurel's... the campus tour ;)... very good... very good. (Especially the hot chocolate... 'cause it was freakin' cold.)
I think I could maybe see myself going to Guelph. It's a possibility.
Anyway (do I over-use that word? ...maybe)...
I feel good. (Which is funny... 'cause I haven't had my pills in a few days and haven't called for a refill yet....) Hopefully it's not just a passing feeling... but I don't think it is. I feel like I'm actually being somewhat productive... and I've been more social lately too... which helps.... ooohhh... and! I've started actually exercising again. :p And I've been reading too. ;) Now I just have to keep all this up......
Tuesday, January 13, 2004 04:35 p.m.
Everything will be okay. I am fine. No big deal.
Everything's cool.
Wednesday, January 7, 2004 12:17 a.m.
Today has been a weird day.
I felt like I was just kind of floating through it.
I'm so mellow. I feel like I can't go to bed... I just spent the last 1/2 an hour laying on the couch trying to sketch or doodle... or something...
I feel like I could just sit here and stare at the wall for a good couple hours. I keep just sitting here staring blankly... thinking... it's taken me ten minutes just to write this far.
It's funny how I can't seem to write everything I feel on here. There's a barrier... and I don't even really mean there to be one. I guess it's just because I know that other people are going to be reading this... and the whole vulnerability involved in that. But I don't even know if it's just on here I can't seem to get everything out. I just want to sit here and write out everything and just keep writing until it's all out. It's like I've put up my own barrier in my own mind... from myself... like I know I'm feeling something... but I have this barrier to block me off from finding out exactly what it is... and what it all means... a barrier trying to protect me from getting hurt by whatever it is I want to feel.
I think I'm going to go back to Earthwinds and buy that journal tomorrow.
Now I guess I should go to bed... I'll just lay there thinking more til I can fall asleep.
Tuesday, January 6, 2004 12:35 a.m.
New Years Resolutions:
Just stop talking... full stop. ;)
Thursday, January 1, 2004 11:37 a.m.
I have never been kissed by so many girls in my life... or had my ass grabbed/slapped/"caressed" so many freaking times in one night. I suppose I had an okay time. The first part was especially good I guess. I'm really glad Elly had such a good time, and it was nice to see Laurel again. She's really damn funny when she's drunk.
I really need to learn not to build up such high expectations for things though... and then tonight probably would've been great.
I guess it's nice to know that someone thinks I'm "an awesome girl with a great ass.... etc." :s & wants to have sex with me... even though I don't want to have sex with him. :p It's flattering... really... though my ass could probably have used a little less grabbing.
Anyway... so new years was new years... just another night... and the crying at the end of the night was good for me probably. I feel better now. Anyway... gonna change into my jammies now. Night.
Thursday, January 1, 2004 03:10 a.m.
Man... the past can be so embarassing.
Thinking about all the dumb things I've said or done in the past... and all the things I cared about for longer than I should have... and all the times I put myself out there... on the spot without success... is enough to make me want to crawl into a hole.
Sunday, December 28, 2003 09:46 p.m.
Fuck guys. Fuck not having time to eat breakfast. Fuck not having the energy to cook for myself at night. Fuck not having my christmas shopping even halfway done yet. Fuck procrastination. Fuck dehydration. Fuck remembering to take my pills. Fuck leukemia. Fuck uncertainty. Fuck illness. Fuck exhaustion. Fuck addictions. Fuck heart-ache. Fuck not having the energy to be me. Fuck loneliness. Fuck shoes without arch support.
Friday, December 19, 2003 05:48 p.m.
Why does everything suck so fucking much?
Friday, December 19, 2003 05:46 p.m.
(Okay Dulcie & Elly you can't laugh at me about this...)
So I was helping this guy at work today...
and I've come to the conclusion that, no matter how physically attractive a guy is... he is automatically made 10x hotter if he has a british accent... I don't know what it is... there's kinda something naughty about it. :p haha
Afterwards... I was all smiley and giddy & had a big urge to watch a Hugh Grant movie (no... wait... Colin Firth)... or better yet, go to England for a while.
Anyway... all for now. :p
Wednesday, October 1, 2003 10:52 p.m.
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