April 2nd, '04-APRIL FOOLS! late!.
Well well well, I missed April Fools day. I was going to go around slapping paper fish to people's backs like they do in France, but I forgot. Emily got me, Briana and Katie during lunch with a camera that squirts water, that was really embarassing, but funny! hahahha
We're going to build a bon fire pit in the backyard where the herb garden is, but we have to wait until the ground thaws to dig up my mom's plants. I want to have a bon fire for my birthday, so that's the goal. The weather is getting nicer so it should work out.
Spring break starts tomorrow. I don't know how excited I am about that, now I actually want to go to school and we don't have to for a week. Carmen and Holly are coming to visit after break, though! Carmen's going to shadow me at school if I can ever find the right person to talk to about how to do that.
I get my braces off May 4th! Finally! Prom is May 1st, but I don't think I'm going to go. I could have more fun for less money going to a concert or a club downtown or something.
Battle of the Bands April 17th. That will be cool!
Peace.

March 15th, '04-qUOTE oF tHe dAy: If no one was watching, what would you do?.
Yes, I've gotten lazy with the colors.
Today was generally good. I'm still feeling... unchanged despite me and Meagan talking and actually talking in class. That feels really good. Now it's weird though, I don't have anything to complain about, really. Normally I complain about being depressed about not being able to talk to her, and now I can talk to her! It's like when Scot comes to visit, he just comes back into our lives like he was never gone. I feel like Meagan is my best friend again, and I want her to be, I hope it will eventually be like that again. It's like nothing happened. Now I'm just worried about how Courtney is going to react to this major problem being solved. Hmm...
I finished my final paper for Euro on friday night!!! WOOO!!!! Then I forgot to bring the book notes in today! DOH! Carrie is ok if I bring it tomorrow, though, so yay!!!
Mom comes home today. Me and Ev are going to pick her up at the airport at 4.
I hope this week goes fast, I want it to be the weekend!
I bought a few books yesterday, spent the last of my gift cards, and $20 over, even. Got one on Ireland!! YESSS!!! I'm so excited to start reading it. I got another on Buddhism. I've been really interested in it lately. I got a SlamBook too, that's really fun. I decided that I want to be bilingual. I know a little French, I'm going to learn some Portugeuse for my trip this summer, and I want to now learn Gaelic and Japanese. Well, I've always wanted to learn Japanese, but Gaelic is the new thing. All the words are so cool.
Anyway, peace out.

March 12th, '04-sONG: Do You Realize?- The Flaming Libs.
Today was a good day!!!!!!! Despite yesterday being perhaps the stupidest day in my history, today was a good day.
Well, today started out as a weird day. I had a fight w/Courtney because of something that happened yesterday, and so I go to school and find a brownie in my locker. We're generally good now, btw. The next time I open my locker there's a letter there for me. Oh great, just what I need because despite all this time I still recognize her hand writing. It's from Meagan and it actually didn't make me cry.
Well, long story short, we're good, or going to get good (that's bad English right there for you, folks. It's a once-in-a-life-time-opertunity). I met her at Ridgedale and we talked and we even went and had dinner and I think everything is going to be ok again. Ya, it's going to be weird getting used to the fact that I can actually talk and look at her again without being afraid of the evil invisible bookgi-man who will poke my eyes out with a hot cattle-rod, but I think this is a good start. Who knows what'll happen.
Now I've just got to work on the other problems on the Diagram of Impending Doom that will Eventually Destroy Sophie. Yes, I drew a diagram of my problems because they're all related to eachother and it's just easier that way, ok?????!!!!!!!!!!!
Going to work on 60DF this weekend. Finally got and idea for the layout, can't wait.
I'm thinking about shutting down KKB. Mostly because I don't feel like telling anyone my problems anymore and I knoew no one really wants to hear them or care about them. Plus, a dairy is supposed to be private... I guess. But I'm thinking about it, so if I don't update for a while than you know why. I'm upset that I haven't gotten the new layout up, though.
Peace.

March 1st, '04-gOOD tHING: Warm Kitty Fur.
I hate being sick. I've had a nasty cold all weekend. I was achy all week last week and had lost my voice for a while too, which lead to a really sore throat, and now I've finished off all the Kleenex in the house and am carring around a toilet paper roll. I hate being sick, especially when I have so much to do. I have to admit, though, I needed a break, so I guess it's kinda nice. I mean, yes, it's nice.
I do, however, hate sitting around, trying to do homework when I know I just have no energy to do it, so I do something else, aka, watch TV. I spent today watching Lost in Translation, which Sofia Coppola won Best Original Screenplay for on the Oscars last night, and Bill Murry won Best Actor at the Independent Spirit Awards. It's a good movie. Highly suggested. I watched a few days ago Matchstick Men. I'm really starting to like Nick Cage, at least in his recient movies. Both Matchstick Men and Adaptation are some of my favorite movies I've seen for a while. Edward Sissorhands was on the other day too, forgot that movie was so funky.
I watched an anime my dad rented for me, called Memories directed by Katsuhiro Otomo who did Akira. It was a collection of 3 mini films, all were really interesting.
My thing right now is I really want to see The Triplets of BelleVille. Finding Nemo of course beat it out for Best Animated Feature, but it should have won Best Score, cause who else plays a bike and a vaccumm as instraments?
Ok, new layout obviously not up yet, but I'm getting closer. Plus I'm working on a SOA fan site now too, that I've had an idea for for a while.
Peace.

Feb. 20th, '04- tODAY iS: Tiger Sushi again.
We went to Tiger Sushi again for dinner tonight. That place is so good. We met dad there, and Willie came.
Anyway, these past couple of days have been pretty strange. Valentine's Day was really fun. Tess' hot tub is the best party place, and we played a new game called Apples to Apples that was really really fun. Alien Abductions are Selfish, right??
A new problem between pretty much everyone has arisen. There's this new kid that ever one likes and I met him last term and stuff and he's really nice etc, and Lindsay was making a big deal that she was bringing someone to Tess' for Valentine's (he couldn't come) and she wouldn't tell anyone who he was and when I eventually found out, of course it was him and now she thinks I'm just saying I like him to make her pissed off. God damn.
At Tess', something major happened. Courtney, Katie and Gander all went and drove somewhere and called 20 mins later saying they have flipped the car in a parking lot doing shitties. Of course we all flip out and try to go find them and everyone gets really concerned, and they show up at the house 10 mins later laughing their asses off and now people are still pissed. Man.
So basically right now, I want Lindsay and Katie to just STOP pretending and go away. Just because I find them annoying
Hmm what else? Oh ya. I went and saw a movie with Courtney, Alex A, Ashely W, her creepy 21 yr. old boyfriend Eric, Steve, and Ben. It was a successful failure, btw. But on the way home, Courtney was on the phone and I was talking to Alex and I asked him if I was weird and some how the conversation went in some other direction, since I think my tone of voice was pretty serious, and he suggested that I get a depression test. When we dropped him off, I told Courtney and basically thinking about it made me cry. We pulled over for like a half hour just so I could freak out. That's boring, so I'll give more details at a later date.
I'm actually working on the new layout, should be up sometime next week.
Peace.

Feb. 6th, '04- tODAY iS: I can legally drive! Kinda!.
I finally got my liscenes!!!!! SWEET!! Though not really cause my last name was spelled wrong. And even better, Dad traded his Honda in for a red, 4 door Focus w/CD and MP3 player, and Mom's trading the wagon in for a yellow 4 door Focus w/CD/MP3 player and Sky light!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We did a really really awesome simulation in Euro this week. We were all countries and we had to solve certain things and it was so much fun. I was in Libertania, an extremly feminist country, and after the first war, everyone hated us, and everyone banded together to attack us in the second war, but they lost because 2 countries betrayed them and went on our side and we won!! At the end, the only female member of Bampff (one of the countries that attacked up) said "Screw you guys!" to her country-mates, rallied all the pretend women in her country, and came to us! It was great, if there was a class that just did that, I'd so take it.
In other news, more drama from Courtney. She's "going out" with the Alex kid we met at the retreat, but she's still got a thing for Chris (who's still in Kansas) even though she hasn't admitted it since she met Alex. God... another Alex... what's the count now? Anyway, Courtney started a site LuckyDucky023 (creative name, huh?> and you can get the idea if you read the messages, but Chris is apparently "in love" with her, even though they only spent a few hours at Eric's house together the night before he moved the Kansas, and that was like a month ago or something. I don't know. I honestly feel like she's really not dealing with a lot of her problems just so she can say she has problems and can continue being a Drama Queen. Oh well.
That's about it. Besides from the hours and hours of homework I have this weekend (IDs due for Euro on Wens., Unit Test in Euro on Thurs., final project to work on for Euro, rough draft for paper due fri in Global Lit, take-home math test to worry about...) I also somehow plan to take time out and start/finish the new layout. I know what I'm going to do, it's just a matter of not procrastinating.
Anyway, peace.

Feb. 2nd, '04- qUOTE oF tHE dAY: Your program has been raped.-Colton Smith

I gotta say, I love Colton. He's so great.
Heh, anyway. It's Monday, which isn't that bad. The whole Super Bowl Janet Jackson/Boobie issue was the only thing anyone talked about today, which was preeeety funny, I have to admit, since no one seemed to noticed that she tried her darndest to be political in her crappy performance. "No more: illiteracy!" Nice attempt, but we're all staring at the man in the corset.
I stood at the bus stop for 40 minutes this morning and the damn bus still didn't come. Mike gave us (me and Vasihnavi) a ride though, cause Courtney and Emily were up the street, too. Damn, that reminds me. I've really been meaning to talk to one of them, Em or Vaish, about how I should be handling calling Meagan... I'm starting to actually get close to doing something, but still far enough away from doing anything. I don't have an excuse for not doing anything. I'm misrable, I'm pretty sure she at least feels bad. Maybe I'll cut my hands off, then I'll really have an excuse for not doing anything, I won't be able to dial.
I spent study hall with Colton today, working in the Tech labs. He knows how to use Adobe Illustrator, and I'm excited cause he's gonna show me how to do stuff on it. Plus, I told him I'd go out with any guy he would want to make out with, which doesn't limit any possibilities. Heh.
Ok, fuckin' cold down here as a lapdick. Ha, I love Trainspotting. It's genuis.
Peace.

Jan. 28th, '04-tODAY iS: New Term Day 2
Another made-up color. Woo.
So ya, it's all boring now. Term 3 is pretty much the same except worse. I hate math, and I'm going to switch into Courtney's class next term but I can't this term because I have to take Euro first hour because I can't take it second hour because I have choir and I can't switch choirs. Anyway, I hate my math class, I don't know anyone and they're all smartass sophomores and I feel dumb and stupid. I have Global Lit now, too, but that's better because I have it with Meagan D, Ashley S, and Tess, so that's fine.
I'm still beating myself up over Meagan, and I hate talking about it to people because I feel like they never care even if they want to hear it and stuff, so that's why it's worse than it should be, because I don't talk about it and come up with a better solution that what I've been doing.
Peace.

Jan. 23rd, '04-tODAY iS: Today
So I just made up this color and I have no idea what it looks like.
Well, I was initally not going to post anything until that night I was going to call Meagan; that was my motivation, if I didn't call Meagan I wouldn't post, and I haven't posted because, yes of course I haven't called her. Seriously though, it's been like my goal every week. I say to myself, "ok, Sophie, friday, as soon as you get home, you're going to call her," and then I never do. Imagine that. I hate myself for that. I wish I was just... smart enough to get over it. Seriously, I hate myself.
Last weekend I went on this retreat with Courtney for her church at Camp Idihapi (by no way in hell should you consider that the right spelling), and it was very interesting. Met some cool people, including 2 awesome guys who can play the guitar like madness. And Courtney got the guy again. Not THE guy, but just the guy. And guess who was there? Jenna, of course. I really don't like her (I don't HATE her). She's annoying and no matter how hard I try to be nice it just doesn't work. Plus she smells and she doesn't know it and no one has the heart to tell her.
I saw The Missing with Lindsay, Ashley Watson and Gander earlier tonight. We drove around and picked up some protestutes (Jessica and Amanda) and discussed prices.
I've been practicing with my Orcle cards again. It's really interesting. Me and Courtney got our Tarot cards read at the retreat. Mine said I was focused on a single goal etc. Which is true, my goal being call Meagan. I did a reading for myself the other night, just asking what I could do about the reason I'm having so many problems with friends and it's all very true, about it. I've been getting pretty accurate readings since I've been Centering etc, before hand, and when I don't Center right it always tells me. Seriously, the card I read last as a Daily was like "You didn't Connect properly." and I really just did a quick concentration thing.
Anyway.
I'm going to try and get the new layout up by monday, since I've got the plan and everything.Slap me if I don't.
Peace.

Dec. 31th, '03- hOLIDAY: New Years Eve
Dude, it's like so New Years Eve! That's amazing! Today is also my dear little brother's birthday, 15 years old and counting, bro! Awwww so cute!
Well, break hasn't been very bad so far, which is good! I'm actually slightly happy for once, maybe it's because I'm completly frozen and I can't feel my nerves, or maybe it's because I've decided that the best thing I could do to fix my emotional problems is face them, which would = calling Meagan. Yes, folks, I am finally just going to let down the wall I've built around the subject and just do it. I've got to, or I will completely melt down. It will go something like this:
Scenerio 1: It's New Years Eve, and I'm pretty sure that Meagan is at Amanda's party. So I call Amanda's house, ask if Meagan's there, and if she is, ask if I can talk to her. When (if) she's on the phone, I say this: "Hi Meagan, this is Sophie. I don't really want to go into this year thinking that someone hates me, and I was wondering if you want to talk sometime. I would rather you tell me you hate me and never want to talk to me again than just thinking that you hate me." That's the basics of it, so we'll just have to see. /Scenerio 1
Scenerio 2 would be me completely burning off my plan and breaking down again. Not something I look forward to. /Scenerio 2
Christmas wasn't all that bad, either. We went to Hope and Charlie's. I got to see Leslie and Brady, haven't seen them in forever. Once again, I wasn't old enough to matter and wasn't young enough to be Evan, so I basically was by myself most of the time, but that seems to be expected. I got a bunch of books and huge sketch books. I'm never going to run out of paper again, ever. I drew this really cool centuar/moose man. I have to say, one of my best yet. Also drew an old fat man with warts. He's cool too.
The books I got were ones I picked out, Grass for His Pillow the 2nd of the Tales of the Otori Trilogy that are really good, and then American Gods by Neil Gaiman, creator of the genius Sandman comics. I got White Stripes: Elephant. The whole CD is so good, and Dandy Warhols: Welcome to the Monkey House, finally, after Evan brings it back from Australia and gives it to Alex A. I finally get my own copy. I bought Jet: Get Born, and Coldplay: A Rush of Blood to the Head. Both are really good.
I saw The Last Samauri with Gander. It was very very good, but then I saw Cold Mountain with mom and Evan, and it was seriously the best movie I've seen all year, maybe ever. It was that great, plus Jack White was in it.
Ok, well, I'll make sure to stay updated now. Term 2 is almost over (thank all the gods ever), and the party tonight should be interesting.
Peace.

Dec. 19th, '03- dAY: WINTER BREAK, YO!!! I want CDs. Woooooooooo weeeeeeeeeee WINTER BREAK FINALLY!!!!!!! I had so much fucking stuff to do this week every single moment of it felt like my head was seriously going to blow off my shoulders... until I got home from work tonight at 8. Man. I think I failed the Unit 4 Euro test and essay like I've never failed before. That's death failing to the extreme. That's mostly due to the fact that during the whole week I had no time to do the reading, and Thursday I had to finished a french composition I had just started Wenesday, study for the Euro test and go to a choir concert from 5-9 so I basically didn't get any work done and I stayed up untill 11:30. The next morning (that'd be this morning) I woke up and went to turn my arlam off but I smacked my forehead right into the sharp, crazy sharp edge of this shadow box above my bed and I just put my head back down and was like "fuck this". What a great way to start the day.
We had a sub in french again today. Mme. Miller=preganat, so Mr. Gyle the ASL teacher taught. It was great. He was teaching us all these signs for stuff. Like seaturtle. And dead. And gangster. It was hi-larious.
I got a ride w/Lindsay to work and sold 5 watches. Not bad, I might say, though one day last year I sold 20. I work again tomorrow and Sunday 10-4.
I went out with Laura, Marisa, Amanda, Alex N. Jackie, and Heidi. Ice skating first, then everyone but Heidi went bowling and met up with some people. It was great fun, but now I smell like smoke and have the black lung. I think that was the most fun I've had in a while.
I'm still freaking out over what I should do about Meagan. I want with all hell to talk to her, but I don't know how I should. I really really really want to talk to her. I miss talking to her, even though I don't deserve to talk to her, I wish I could, but I'm just such a freaking coward.
My goal is to try and get a new layout done for either KKB or GG by the end of break. I feel really bad cause Alex S. had to shut down LCC. Hopefully it'll be back up soon.
Speaking of Alexs, I haven't talked to Alex A. in a while. If it wasn't mid-night I might have called him. I'm going to try and get together with him and Ryan sometime during this break.
Peace.

Dec. 5th, '03- fUCK=Fuck fuck fuck. So this would have to be the shittiest few weeks of my entire life. How fucked up is that, the best day and the worst (days) of my entire life in less than 5 months???
This whole fucking holiday preparation crap is so fucked up. Thanksgiving was the worst break yet in years, even though I'm not fond of them anyway (it's the fact that I'm not old enough to be noticed and not young enough to be Evan). Holly came in from CA and we spent all day on Nov. 24 moving gramma into a new place b/c she fractured her skull like 2 months ago and started wandering off from Arlington so now she's in a nursing home and it was so fucking depressing, seeing all the crazy sick old people who can't even take care of themselves. We saw The Cat In The Hat and Master and Commander on Thanksgiving so we practically spent the whole day in the movie theatre, Hope and Charlie and everyone we usually have Thanksgiving w/was at Toots' (my uncle's mom, related by marriage) b/c her husband just died. We were going to have chinese food for dinner by all the fucking resturants were closed and mom and dad and Holly fried some old fish we've had in the freeze for like a year. On friday we went to Butch's funeral which was fucking depressing b/c everyone was crying and he was like a grammpa to everyone so the whole county was there and I really didn't feel like I should have been there but I knew I was supposed to be and it's just all fucked up right now.
Tomorrow me and Courtney have the Youth Art Fair at Macalaster and considering the events and things I found out, I don't know if it's going to be as fun as I think it will be. I found things out about KF and how she thinks she can't trust anyone and that people don't like her and that she hates everything about herself, than stuff about IB in that he cuts fucking huge gashes into his arm and won't like anybody help him. Then tonight I found out that CW smoked. How the fuck does that go?? She was like my only friend who I thought I could relate to in the fact that I'm so fucking clean of anything, and now I feel like I'm such a fucking looser b/c now she's doing it, too. How do I take this? I felt like she was my only friend who actually got it? Who understood that that shit is FUCKED UP and BAD FOR YOU as in it causes DEATH. I mean, before a few months ago, I thought LP was clean, and now she gets people high in her basement. What is happening to my friends? Or what is happening to me? I already feel like we're growing distant just b/c I don't believe in the stuff that they do, and I really don't want another Meagan to happen, especially w/the one person I turned to during that whole thing. Now I'm afraid to even talk to any of them about it b/c I know instead of think I know that my problems w/friends are shit compared to the addict/suicidal/druggie issues they have to deal w/every fucking day.
And it just has to come to me in this exact time period that I truly, fucking deeply miss Meagan and having her to talk to. I really, really do. I feel like a fucker for doing everything to her that I did and I really really really want to talk to her again; but I don't fucking now how or where to start. Now that I know things about other people, I feel like I need that one person again who will just be my friend, no questions and issues.
Fuck.
Peace

Nov. 17th, '03- wOO=La dee da da da. WordCount:1789
I'm in a great mood, despite the fact that everything is so depressing!!!! YAY!
I'm severly screwed in terms of NaNo, and have pretty much given up. I know for a fact that next year will be so much better in terms of trying to write the Crappiest Novel Ever Written, I might even just dedicate Dec. or some other helpless month as victim to my writting franticys. Wow, just made up a word there.
I just finished another, yes another AP project. Carrie just keeps dishing these things out. I don't think this one will be that bad though, considering I get to wear Evan's patch-clown pants. Weee!!!
What else what else what else? We're starting a new project in art and I smell like eraser.
Last night Evan was pretending to be Bruse Lee (he had his pants pulled up to his belly-button and with the new hair cut, he seriously looked just like him) and was running around screaming like a chicken and he kicked me right in the butt and it hurts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't sit without... pain.
I have french homework. The french teacher is preganat and everyone was making a huge deal out of it which is really annoying and rude.
Speaking of Evan, I think he's dead, been sleeping in his room (for once) since I got home (which was 5pm), so I think I'll go shine a light in his eyes and scream "TRAIN!!!"
Peace.

Nov. 12th, '03- tHIS wEEK=Week of Fatigue. WordCount:1789
Just in case you were wondering, yes, my dates were way off. I fixed them and today is now the 12th of November.
As stated above, this week is the Week of Fatigue, and whether you decide to pronounce that the English or French way is up to you. I am holding true to my word about the emotional swinging in Nov. I'm so behind on my word count it's not even funny, but it's even funnier that I pretty much scrapped what I had (all 2.5 pages of it) and started over on a completely different plot. I somehow know I won't be getting a book done by 11:59pm on Nov. 30th.
In other news, I got a whopping 78% on my Mid Unit! YES!! A+++ for me! I figured I better have done good on it b/c Carrie even said it was the easiest test all year. Now I just have to finish this Salon project (I couldn't get my mom to pronounce Copernicus for the life of her last night. Way funny) and write a little for the DBQ Tourney. That won't be too bad, I'll probably do it in study hall tomorrow.
I started art now, in place of astronomy. It's fun, but it's really boring right now b/c all we're doing to still lives of plastic shapes. Colton showed me his painting though, and all the other level 2 paintings are up, so I can't wait for that.
They did something really weird to lunch. It's all new and improved and actually looks good. They changed everything, including the food, and I think the Heath department really pushed it b/c it's now called Health Nut instead of... Snack Bar or whatever uncreative name it was before. But Laura and Lucus were eating alphalfa(?) sprout sandwiches and they looked so good. I love alphalfa sprouts. So now I'm going to convince my mom to put some $ in my account since I only have like 30 cents left over from 7th grade.
Ok, there's my update. Things with MM and other Dirt That Will Make Sophie's Head Explode are a little cooler (as in the temp.) now, and we're singing really cool (as in neat/super/awesome) songs in choir. Me and Ijeoma started a Pog Club and are putting posters up! Can't wait, we're such geeks. Give me your Dungaroos.
Totally fresh.

Nov. 5th, '03- tODAY was=Start of Term 2. WordCount:1789
What can I say? I'm a dull Plum today.
This is all that I'm saying right now; my horoscope for today was: What are you afraid of, dear Taurus? You are afraid of something in your contact with other people. It's as if an invisible piece of rope was tied around your waste in order to hold you back from getting closer to people, or worse, it makes you step back! What is this all about? You're going through a period that is closely linked to your past. A failed relationship is still haunting you and is casting its shadow on the current one. Get rid of those skeletons in your closet!
Oh la vache.
WOW! I found a typo in an offical MSN horoscope thing! Waste-waist*!

Nov. 4th, '03- tODAY iS=Day off for X Term 1. WordCount:926
Originally I chose the worst color in the world: beige as my mood today, but it didn't show up. Beige is a dumb color and I hate it.
So I wasn't doing that bad until Courtney and Corbin called wanting to go to see Matrix Revolutions. Don't get me wrong, I want to see it, but I've got a lot to do and I hate when you have to say that you don't really want to go to a friend cause it just makes me feel like shit. I've got an AP midunit test tomorrow that I'm determined not to fail (Carrie said it's the easiest test all year, so how can I fail it?). Despite the 79/80 I just undeservingly (is that a word?) got on my Baroque project, I still want to get at least 50% on this test. Not to mention the writing I want to catch up on. Notice above I only have 926/50000 words, and we're already 5 days into it and I'm supposed to do basically 1667 words a day if I want to get to the 50000 goal. I wrote 4 pages, then basically threw them away, maybe that's why I'm so behind. And I have French homework. Crap.
This week so far has been pretty sad, actually. Colton (how many people who's names start with 'C' do I know??) came up to me on Monday and was like "I'm sorry for liking you" blah blah. For the past couple weeks he's really been hitting on me and asking people if I like him, which I DIDN'T but he just didn't seem to get that he's not my type and he talked to me about it. That morning hadn't been the greatest anyway, and him saying what he did just set me off and I broke down into the biggest crying fit I think I've ever had. It wasn't even about him, it's just everything that I've been thinking about w/MM just caught up to me and I freaked out. God... I wish I was a better person.
Not to mention that I broke my CD player in choir. I dropped it like 1 foot away from the floor and it's broken! It cost $60! How the hell...?
I had my bands changed on Tuseday to blue, and after school me, mom and Evan all got hair cuts. Oh ya, it's black-streaked now ^_^ It's so sweet looking. Evan is so shy he never tells the person what he wants, so of course he hated his hair cut(he looked like a Beatle), and mom felt really bad. He's going to let it grow for a while then if he still hates it shave it into a mohawk, which I've been telling him to do for the past like 3 months! And I've been telling him for a year to play the drums, and now he suddenly says he wants to?? What's up w/that? Why can't he just admit that I'm right? Heh.
What else can I freak about while I'm procrastinating on writing? I read a really good point in this other guy's blog the other day. lifeless often has good points though. I agree w/him when he says "high school relationships are nothing more than an excuse to have sex like bunnies, and to look "cool" because you have a bf/gf." It just makes total sense. Maybe that's what I've been doing? I mean, thinking I'm not cool/set-to-standards b/c I don't have a boyfriend? Grr, I'm really just statistic. I've admitted that I was jealous of Courtney and Bert when they were going out... I think now I'm just more scared of how much more I'll fuck up my life if I go out w/someone just to look cool. How can I go out w/someone just to look cool when I went through such different scenarios w/Scott, and Eric, and Alex? How can I concentrate on wanting to someone to like me when I don't even like myself? God, that's a depressing realization...
Peace

Nov. 2nd, '03- qUOTE of the dAY="That's just the way things go nowdays"-Martin Luther. WordCount:estimated 500.
Thought I'd update quick before going to work on my Galileo trial thing. And there's really only one subject I'm going to be complaining about today: the damn problem I'm having w/myself over this situation w/MM!
Halloween didn't make things better, but it for sure made me realize that I have friends who actually care about what happens. They don't want to see me or her depressed and hung-up over this anymore, and I can't believe that I have such great friends that'll hang around and put up with my crap. But another thing I've been thinking about... everyone's telling me to talk to her, but are people also telling her to talk to me? With everyone telling me to just do it, just talk to her, it feels like all the fault and blame is putting shoved down my throat, and if there's even any fault/blame, it's as much hers as it is mine for not doing anything about it.
I guess the only real reason I'm scared to just do it is because... this is the only thing I've ever really thought that I just can't do. I'm so scared of what to say, where to start... and I guess I'm scared because I know this is one of those things I have to do myself, and I hate thinking that I'm the only one who can fix it. I have nothing to hide behind, no one who will be there to help because no one really knows the true story besides me and her. I don't even have a pen and paper or character to hide behind, and that's one of the things that I'm scared of. It's me that has to do it, not someone in my mind. This is a situation that calls for action, not contemplation, and I have no plot, no character to be, just... fully me. It doesn't seem to me like she's putting any effort into trying to fix it, all I see that she's doing is avoiding eye-contact with me, which I understand, but if we both feel the same way, why is it that I feel like everyone thinks it's my fault, thus I'm the one who has to do everything to fix it!!!
Sorry to everyone I've dragged into this. Sorry that, if you're reading this, you feel uncomfortable or like it's wrong, but hey, I made a blog in the first place cause I thought that telling people, however indirectly, would help... like I'm actually telling people instead of keeping it pent up. Then again, I'm not forcing anyone to read it.
Peace.

Oct. 31th, '03- hOLIDAY= Halloween!
So I decided to do font colors based on my mood! So this is called Goldenrod something-rather, and it seemed like a pretty good color based on the fact that I'm both really happy and depressed. That' a little weird. You know what, maybe add some PMS in there for good measure.
So today was Halloween!!!! YES!!! Me and Courtney went to Tess' (got lost like 3 times before we got there; Wayazata/Plymouth is confusing. I love my dad!), and we ordered pizza and waited for Halle and Eric to show. Tess' room is so cool!!! I got to put a hand print on her wall and tried to read the sweet french guy's writing, and Courtney drew paint all over my neck! It was fun! But then Courtney did my make-up for my faerie costume (from last year) and I looked like the member of KISS that never made it in so I washed it off, then I kinda felt like I needed to get away! So I did! Mom came in her rescue-wagon and saved me and took me to Emily's party and played Twister and had a silly-string fight and played Ghosts in the Graveyard which I ROCK at, by-the-way. Then it got kinda complicated...
Meagan M. showed up and she seemed sad and I asked Heidi why and it was pretty much that she was sad that I was here and I was like, "shit, ok, I'll leave." Seriously, I didn't want to ruin anything and if she didn't feel comfortable with me there than I'd go. She definatly gets the right-of-way in these situations since I'm such a bitch and everything I do that involves her gets screwed up. So I was going to leave and Emily and Heidi and Alex S. were all like "No, talk to her, explain" that sort of thing and... I am so scared to. I don't even know where to start. I feel like there's this unspoken law between us that says I'm not allowed to speak to her. I WANT to. Everyone/thing knows it, but I'm so SCARED OF OUT MY MIND that I'm going to do everything wrong and just mess up everything again and I don't want to mess everything up again cause I was such a facking bitch in the start of the problem, I should have just talked to her when I wasn't afraid to. (At least I'm not afraid to look at her anymore, although I feel guilty like a criminal when I do.) So I know I have to talk to her, and everyone's being so nice about it and helping etc, but seriously... I'm so scared to... ya, every party I go to there's someone crying and unfortunaly this time it was me, though I supressed myself after like 5 seconds.
On a happier note: NaNoWryMo starts at 12:01am, which is in...56mins!!!! I'm so excited! I just thought of my plot the other day and I can't wait to get it down and yes!!!! I will be keeping a word count at the top of my entries for Nov. so you can see where I'm at in my goal of 500000 words. Oh boy.
Anyway, I have to say I love all my friends and they all rock and I love them and I don't think anything would be possible if I didn't have such rockin' friends! THANKS GUYS!!!
Peace.

Oct. 28th, '03- sONG of the dAY= "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)"- Nancy Sinatra
Thought I'd just update real quick like.
Well, I felt really bad about stuff that I did/said this weekend, but hopefully it's all good. My damn CD burner is RETARDED so the CD I'm supposed to burn Will is and will be even more late! Plus I haven't had a lot of time to sit down and figure it out. He gave me a copy of the Kill Bill soundtrack, and I feel like such a bitch.
Just had our 1st choir concert of the year; it was really cool. The 10th grade choirs sound like crap like tradition, and GEOFF! raised the roof/rocked the house once again. They're like gods at our school, we should all bow and worship them.
Ok, well it's just about 10pm and I still have to basically do my French broucheure. Had a French test today that sucked sea monkeys, and guess what??? Got ANOTHER 'F' on my AP test! YES!!!! I did, however, get 2 points higher than my up-until-now steady 45.
Bon. Err... la broucheure de francais. Ciao.

Oct. 25th, '03- qUOTE of the dAY= "Wiggle your big toe..."
You have to be FUCKING me. AHHH. So I just wrote a whole bunch here and those damn HOTKEYS took me back and deleted it and now I have to redo it!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO EXPLODE HERE!!!
I wil recap everything, again, I guess. Excuse my bluntness, I'm not in a very good mood here.
Went and saw Kill Bill again last night with Will, Alex A, Sam, and some kid named Carson I just met. Will works at the same company theatre so he got free tickets. They didn't even card us. That's cool.
I have to admit that at first I didn't really want to go. I mean, I wanted to see it again but I honestly didn't really feel comfortable with everyone that was going. I guess the main thing was that Alex S. wasn't going, and the whole idea really spawned off the fact that he wanted to see it, but his mom is a butthead and wouldn't let him go. It was cool that Alex A. could go, I probably wouldn't have gone if he didn't go, but he really wanted to, so we did. One of the other reasons I didn't want to go was because I don't really know Will or Sam all that well, and to be completely honestly, I don't even LIKE Sam. I mean, I could tolerate him on a low level, but he's just... not someone... ya. But I guess it was fun. I felt like such a ditz, and I hated it. I kinda feel like I've been changing in a "Courtney" way, not to be mean or anything, and I don't really like it. I guess I'm more blonde than I thought I was. I feel so freaking stupid.
It was kinda weird last night cause I kept getting this vibe that Carson thought me and AA were "involved". Just stuff he said and everything, and that didn't make it a whole lot better, plus when Will dropped me off, AA said something and I slapped him. Not even HARD, but it was weird cause now I feel REALLY bad. I'll probably call him later and say sorry >_<
Went to the library yesterday to work on our french skit w/Ashley S. and Marisa. It's so random, it's not going to make any sense. Oh well, as long as we get the requirements in.
So I have to make it though this week. Term 1 ends next Tuesday and we get Wen-Fri off. Here's my agenda for this week:
Monday: AP Unit 2 Exam; French speaking/skit and comp/script due; SFT after school; finish astro. project after school and during study hall.
Tuseday: French written exam; art club after school; finish astro project after school; Choir concert, 5:54pm; Holly leaves.
Wenesday: Frech broucheure due; probably do astro. project presentation; get Youth Art Fair app. in TODAY
Thursday: RECOVERY.
Friday: RECOVERY.
Saturday: Do something DIFFERENT; check w/Anne about MS holiday sales??
Sunday: More recovery (since I'll be in the hospital for head trama.)
Grood. I mean good. And great. Great and good.
Now, if you'd excuse me, I think I'm going to go see how scrody the bathtub is and if I will dare to take a bath or not. Ugh, and study for that AP test. Damn flash cards. I will do better on this one than the last 3, I promise!!
Peace.

Oct. 22th, '03- sONG of the dAY= "Where is the Love?."- Blackeyed Peas
It's really early, and somehow I have energy. Compared to yesterday morning, today looks like it's going to be fine, despite the big steamy pile of cat vomit I just had to clean up. It was right at the top of the stairs, thank god I didn't step in it, or Evan. Knowing him, he probably saw and decided to let me be the one to clean it.
I'm so stressed out right now. Yesterday was one of those "Everyone hates me" type of days. I'm freaking out about this AP project due TOMORROW. I haven't even finished writing my hic fic, much less revising it!!! GAHH!!! IF I can make it though this week without shooting myself, I think I should make it until Halloween, then the NaNoWryMo starts. I think I'm going to be writing completely off of chapter titles, I already have 4 or 5 down. We'll see how that goes. I really want to do a fantasy, but I think it won't be. I'll use Nov. as my "get-all-the-crap-outta-my-system" month. That should be ammusing.
I feel like I'm getting FAT. Heh, I know I'm the last person that should be worrying/having self esteem/body issues, but I really realll do. You know when you wear pants and they feel too small when just the other week they were fine? Unless it's PMS or something, I think I'm going to start running or biking everyday, even if it's just aroung the neighborhood. I can't get rid of the fact that I'm not active whatsoever.
Ok, I have to go, time to catch the bus.
Peace.

Oct. 20th, '03- qUOTE OF THE dAY= "The Wing, it's a weally, weally scarwy movie."
Well ain't that a bitch? Pitas' server broke AGAIN, and now everything kinda reset itself, that's why (if anyone checked yesterday or the day before that) you couldn't 1. See the site, or 2. Only saw pretty colored boxes. Boooooo... stinky.
Have to say though, I'm surprised I'm even writing today. I have so much CRAP to do. Get ready for PSATs tomorrow, do that AP project, or that Astronomy prokect, or maybe study french cause that's really the only grade that's bringing down my GPA right now... you know. Stuff.
Man, I don't even know where to start. Courtney and Bert broke up, I think I said that, but I feel so bad now cause when me and Lindsay went to the Depot on Friday, I saw him with this other girl and that's so screwed up since he said he broke up with Courtney because he wanted to concentrate on school and shouldn't that mean that he doesn't date at all?? Whatever, I don't even know, there's nothing I could do to make it better, and yelling at Bert like Courtney's been doing isn't fixing anything fast.
Friday me, Lindsay and Eric went and saw Kill Bill. God, it was facking awesome!!!! I can't wait for the second vol. to come out. As soon as I get some money I'm buying the soundtrack.
Wellllll....... I think that's all for now... nothing really major besides the whole Courtney/Bert thing and the fact that guys are stupid and everyone should throw rocks at them. Besides the fact that it seems that I DESPERATLY NEED ONE... man, I'm such a teenager!!!!!!
Waiting for that gun....