Thursday, January 16, 2003 - 09:17 p.m.

Sheesh...It's been a while since I've made an entry. =P I've mostly been either talking with Jason, or trying my best to forget about that term paper I'm supposed to be writing.

Also, last night I had a little incident with Bobby =P Bobby is a guy that I've known forever (or at least since kindergarten) We've been friends off and on throughout the years, but we were never that close. Last night, he called me to talk for a while. Nothing really strange about that. He'd been to the library, and was calling me from his cell phone as he was driving around...or so I thought. I was sitting in the kitchen talking to him when my father came in through the back door. He'd been at work, but had come home for some reason. He said that as he passed the front porch, he saw someone sitting on it. Can you guess who it was? *Sigh* For some reason that is completely beyond me, Bobby had been sitting out on my porch, in the freezing cold, talking to me on a cell phone. Needless to say, I was rather disturbed by this. Okaasan thinks that he has a crush on me, but I've yet to see it. (And I don't reciprocate, either way) When I talked to Jason later, he said that he'd done it before...Bobby's a nice enough kid, and relatively harmless, but still...that was weird!

Also, speaking of Jason...Is it just me, or do some guys absolutely refuse to take a hint? I've been doing everything I can think of to get his attention. I've been more relaxed, and much more silly around him than I usually am. I'm usually kinda uptight as it is, but Jason likes to tease me and just generally try to embarrass me, usually by making comments neatly sprinkled with innuendo. Usually, I do get embarrassed, or at least scoff it off. Lately, I've been going along with everything he's said...much to his amusement. He thinks that I'm just playing along with his gags...Even though I've practically told him that, on most occasions, I am not just going along with it. We've been far more playful than we've ever been, and we've both been having fun...Hell, I even dressed up for him! Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not do the girly look. =P My usual attire consists of jeans, a t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers. I don't even wear make-up. But, the other day, I actually wore one of those flower-child type shirts that okaasan bought for me...you know the type; with long, flowing sleeves and an uncomfortably low neckline. (I spent half the day trying to keep my strapless-bra from showing =P) Granted, I'm a bit of a prude in that area; I do not like to show skin. At all. And yet, I wore that ridiculous get-up. And he barely noticed. Sure, he made the obligatory teasing remarks. I expect as much from him by now, and am not usually offended by anything he says...but this time, I was upset, not so much because of his teasing, but because that's all he did. *Sigh* What am I going to have to do to get through to that boy?

And that's not even mentioning the third side of this sick little triangle...my okaasan. She's the reason we broke up in the first place. She didn't approve of my dating him, and she made that fact very well known. And she picked the worst possible time to start...right as I was coming to terms with my affection for him. She pressured me to the point that I was trying to deny my own feelings...just to make her happy. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me...I know that I'm non-confrontational by nature, but I can't believe that I didn't stand up for myself...for us. Finally, with okaasan's pressure and Jason's desire to talk about my feelings, I hit my limit. I couldn't take it anymore. So I ran. I ended the relationship, thinking that doing so would end the torment that I had been living in. For a day or two, I felt better; okaasan laid off, and things got quiet. But it didn't last. Before long, the tumult was back. Since we broke up, I've cried at least as much, if not more, over the subject than I did when we were together. I was so messed up, that it took at least a month after the break up for me to be able to admit, to myself, that I loved him...Since then, I've realized that caving in like that was quite possibly the biggest mistake I've made in my entire life.

I'd give anything to make this whole mess right again...But I'm too afraid to talk to my mother...I don't want to fight with her, and I'm almost certain that's what it would come down to...and I'm afraid to flat out tell Jason how I feel...because I'm not sure he feels the same way. And, even if he did, I'm not sure he could ever forgive me for what I did...I hurt him; a lot. I'd give anything to take it back...but I don't know if I can.

I just don't know what to do...no matter how I think of it, it always seems that it would be easier if I did it the other way. I don't know who to talk to first; okaasan, or Jason...And I haven't the slightest idea how to bring it up...or what I'll do if I'm refused. *Sigh* If I seem depressed, now you know why.

Monday, January 13, 2003 - 04:58 p.m.

Well, today was more interesting than I had thought it would be. Morris Library is huge! I found six books on my research topic. ^^v After roaming around it for a while, we headed over to the Student Center for lunch. At that point, we had around two hours until we were scheduled to go back...So we just prowled through the Center in packs, amusing ourselves in various ways ^^

My group consisted of Brian, Daniel, April, and myself. After we ate, we went bowling. That was rather entertaining. ^^ Now, I'm pretty bad at bowling, but I had a lot of fun...Daniel gave us all a good laugh early in the game. He threw his ball before the mechanism that resets the pins had retracted; and he hit it. Hard. And it just stuck there. *BG* We had to go find someone who worked there to fix it for us. I wonder if he damaged it, because, later, it stuck again. ^^;; So, after it was fixed (again), we finished our game, with Brian as an occasional spectator. (He kept coming and going, often returning with smoothies ^^;;)

After we finished, we set out to pass the remaining time. This mostly consisted of walking around, riding the escalators (whee!) and raiding the many vending machines. I ended up with a couple of sodas, but the rest of the group was a little caffeine-happy ^^;;

Both Brian and Daniel (who is a little hyper to begin with) drank two cups of espresso; back to back. April got an "energy drink", which is basically bottled caffeine. The three were totally buzzed for the rest of the trip. ^_^

On the bus ride home, Daniel decided to entertain us by singing...in a couple of different languages ^^ He sang in Spanish for a while, then switched to Hebrew (where he learned it, I don't know). Also, he discovered that he could speak Pig Latin...in Spanish. ^^;; Like, "Omocay Estasay" for "Como Estas". Yeah. It was a weird trip ^___^ But it was lots of fun.

Sunday, January 12, 2003 - 08:24 p.m.

Man, time flies when you're not in school =P It's already Sunday...And what did I accomplish this weekend? Absolutely nothing! =D Yet, I'm in a relatively good mood. Hmm...Could be due to the overdose of fast, genki Ojamajo Doremi songs I've recently administered to myself. ^__^

Plus, I essentially get another free day, 'cause my English field trip is tomorrow. That means I get to come home with an armload of books. ^_^ And then I can start on my term paper, right? Not likely. ^^;;

Oh, and I got bored and took this quiz.


Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.

Is anyone surprised? No? Good. ^^

..And this one.


What colour of Skittle are you?

See what Care Bear you are.

a href="http://www.moonlotus.net/themesong/themesong.html" target="new">

what's your cowboy bebop theme song?

Told ya I was bored ^^;;

Friday, January 10, 2003 - 08:08 p.m.

*Sighs in relief* T.G.I.F! I'm so glad that the weekend is finally here...Now maybe I can catch up on my sleep. That, plus the fact that my English class is going on that field trip on Monday, is enough to make me feel a little better. ^_^

Another reason I need a weekend is because I've been having trouble concentrating lately...It's because of the conversation I had with Jason last night. He and I used to date, but I made a big mistake and the relationship ended. Now, he's my best friend in the world. But last night, we were talking and goofing around like we used to before we broke up...teasing each other, and generally being very silly. But mostly, it was what he said toward the end of the conversation. He gave me the idea that he might be interested in getting back together...But I don't know for sure. I'll admit that I regret ending the relationship; now I'm wondering whether he really meant that, or if I misunderstood him. *Sigh* Honestly, when it comes to that boy, I feel like I'm living in a soap opera...Right now, I'd give anything just to have this situation resolved; one way, or another.

Thursday, January 9, 2003 - 07:50 p.m.

Ever had one of those days, where you just don't feel like getting out of bed? That pretty much describes today. Thank Kami that tomorrow is Friday...maybe I can catch up on my sleep over the weekend.

Well, my English class went to our school library again today. And, wonder of wonders, I actually found something useful! I checked out what few books they had that mentioned Thoroughbreds in preparation to write my term paper. Also, I think that we're supposed to take a field trip to Morris Library, at SIU, on Monday...That is, unless our school district is too cheap to pay for two buses =P

Today also reaffirmed my hatred for math. In my Calculus class today, I was painfully reminded that I really do not understand half of the graphing that Blackwood-sensei has taught us. ;_;

On a more pleasant note, I finally got my program to work in my Electronics class. ^^ My little sketch-people will walk inside and stand in the middle of the room until the other door opens, then they go back outside. Now, I'm working on rewiring my interface to use for a different type of program. (I'm not sure what it'll do yet.)

Wow, this was a late update...It's nearly 8 pm as I look at the clock now. I fully plan to relax for the rest of the evening...Possibly I will prowl the internet for downloadables (music, videos, desktop items)...That's always fun ^_^ That is, unless Jason (my best friend) calls me. He said that he would, but lately, he's not called until after 9 pm, and hasn't been able to stay on the phone for long =P We don't have any classes together this semester, and I miss talking to him.

Wednesday, January 8, 2003 - 06:15 p.m.

Well, I learned something today. It is rather difficult to locate information about the Thoroughbred racing industry in England when you live in the middle of nowhere (a.k.a. Southern Illinois) =P So, I've decided to broaden my topic for my term paper to simply being about Thoroughbreds. The breed did originate in England, so it'll count for my extra credit ^_^

Also, why do so many institutions feel that you should be a prominent leader to receive a scholarship? There are plenty of intelligent, studious, promising people in need of scholarships, who also happen to be introverted little computer geeks (myself included =P) I am getting really sick of all these applications that require proof of "leadership" (clubs, community service, etc). And, of course, what would such an application be without a requirement of a long essay about why "leadership is important"? *Gags* Besides my inherent dislike for being forced to write something, I have learned (through extensive experience) that if I am not at least marginally comfortable with the topic, my paper will not turn out well. So, even if I force myself to write a paper on such a topic, it will not be of my best quality. *Sigh* So, now okaasan and I get to look for more scholarships...preferably ones that are less enthusiastic about "leadership" =P

On a lighter note, I finally got to start writing a program to work with my interface in Electronics class. I drew a simple house, and coded so that flipping the switches on the interface would open the doors in the drawing. Once I got that working, I started working on making little doodles of people move through the houses when the doors open. Like, they're outside, the door opens, and they go in and stand in the middle of the room, then when the other door opens, they go outside again. Simplistic, yes, but harder than it looks. I still haven't perfected my little people's movements ^^;;

Plus, since Monday was the Epiphany, we got to have a party in my Spanish 2 class ^^ King Cake is goooood. ^___^

Well, now I have to go look for information for my term paper. Luckily, my otoutosan is finished with his math homework, so maybe I can actually look without interruption (I'm in Calculus, he's in Algebra 1; thus, I have to help him...a lot) But, at least I can listen to my music while I surf...I've been so busy lately that I've been going into withdrawl ;_; *Sings badly*
Pawafuru mirakuru ima kuru!
Hajikeru majikaru wandafuru!
Ririkaru Kokikaru koi suru torokeru
Mi-ra-ku-ru-mi!
(Yes, I'm weird. I know. ^^)

Tuesday, January 7, 2003 - 04:02 p.m.

Well, my schedule change took effect today. ^^ I now enjoy taking, essentially, only four classes. Man, I love my Electronics classes ^_^

I'm studying Visual Basic (a programming language), but I haven't been able to do too much lately, since the guy who's been working on my interface (the hardware that I plug into the computer to write programs for) hasn't been able to get it to work. (He's been working on it for four months!) Sipes-sensei was getting fed up (me, too.), so he said that he'd show me how to make one.

It's nothing too complicated; just a breadboard with one chip, two switches, and a printer cable (and the wires needed to make it work ^^) I was able to get it together and running within this one day. ^_^v Or, four, if you count the extra hours I'm in the class. I'm quite pleased. Now, hopefully I can get to work more on my programming.

*Sigh* I still haven't started on that term paper, though I do have a topic (I think). I'm going to do it on Thoroughbred racing in Britain (we get extra credit if our topic is British in nature), focusing as much as possible on the Epsom Derby. Now I just have to actually go out and find six pages worth of information ;_;

Ah, well. Now, I'm off to do my Spanish homework...and my Calculus, too. =P And to sleep. Definitely to sleep. But not at 9 pm...There's supposed to be a new episode of NYPD Blue on tonight. *Bounces* Yay!

Monday, January 6, 2003 - 06:13 p.m.

I had to go back to school today =P That sucks...I was having such a nice vacation...To make it worse, my English teacher decided to slap us with a term paper on our first day back ;_; It just isn't fair...I hate writing things for school, despite being a fan author in my spare time. We have to write about something British (but not the Beatles *Pouts*), with at least six pages of material and at least 20 references (only 2 can be from the internet *faints*) Luckily, it isn't due until sometime in April (That's plenty of time for me to forget about it! ^^;;)

I also had to get my schedule changed. (Big surprise =P) Our school only has one guidance counselor, and he's not always really competent (that, and you can almost never find him!)

I was scheduled to take a Current Events class, but Karoski-sensei decided that it should become a Journalism class, instead. He spoke glowingly of public service announcements, reporting, and newscasts that would be broadcast to the entire school. Now, being the pitiful, timid creature that I am, such acts of public speaking horrified me.

So, during 7th hour (my Current Events class is 3rd), I went down to see our guidance counselor. I was surprised; he was actually there! So I waited...and waited...I swear, I had to wait for almost an entire class period before got to talk to him. When I did finally see him, I told him that I wanted out of that horrid class. He told me that I could take one of three classes. 1)Business Orientation 2)Intro to Health Occupations or 3)Lab Science 2. I was not happy. I've already taken B.O., and neither of the other classes are at all pleasant. Luckily for me, he realized that I already had more than enough credits to graduate, so he said that I could take a study hall and Zeelast* an Electronics class that hour.

*=Zeelast is when a student with a study hall goes and sits in with a teacher's class. They help the teacher, run errands, and the like.

This pleased me greatly. As it is, I'm already in Electronics for three hours out of the day. Besides the fact that I'm going to be a Computer Science major in college next year (I'm studying Visual Basic), Sipes-sensei is one of my favorite teachers in the whole school ^^ So now I'll have four hours in Electronics, plus my English class, Spanish 2, and Calculus.

I just finished my Spanish homework, now I'm going to relax. (Yes, I fully intend to forget about my term paper for tonight!)

Sunday, January 5, 2003 - 02:24 p.m.

Despite the fact that this is the last weekend before I go back to school, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. Last night, my father and I went to the movies. Since we left really early, after we bought the tickets, we went shopping ^_^ Normally, this would be pretty strange...otousan does not shop. ^^;; But, we went to Best Buy (otousan is like me; a total electronics junkie). We wandered around, looking at all the things we wanted, but couldn't buy at the moment. I did pick up a copy of Volume 2 of Steel Angel Kurumi, though. ^^ After that, we went to Barns and Noble. That was very nice...I love books, and they have great tea there! Then, since we had some more time to kill, we went to the mall. After prowling through the electronics store (told ya we were junkies ^^), we went to Kay's Merchandise to look for mounts for the speakers in our living room. Unfortunately, we didn't have much luck. =P By then it was about 9 p.m. Our movie started at 9:15, so we headed over to the theater. The movie surprised me, though...We saw Die Another Day. From what little I've seen, I wasn't terribly interested in James Bond movies, but this one was pretty good ^_^ Granted, I like the two leading actors, but it was much better than I had expected it to be. Then again, maybe it was becase there were several well-choreographed sword fights ^_^v We didn't get home until after midnight, so we had to be careful that we didn't wake everyone up when we got home...However, one of our dogs, Max, is apparently hypersensitive. He barks at everything. So we had to explain to my obaachan why we were back so late (she was the only one who woke up, luckily). Since we have school on Monday, I had to go to bed pretty soon after we got home...*Sigh* I don't wanna go back to school.

Thursday, January 2, 2003 - 06:04 p.m.

Perhaps my previous complaint was a tad premature. I found a place to host my images; I just hope it works out! ^n_n^ Well, that's one less thing to worry about. Since my parents are at work, and I'm stuck babysitting my kid brother and my grandmother, the less things I have to worry about, the better. *Is stressed enough*

Thursday, January 2, 2003 - 01:48 p.m.

*Sigh* Why do free webservers have to be so annoying? I've yet to find one that will let me upload images that I can use here. So, until I can find one (or wheedle some space out of my father or brother), I'll use this default layout. Hopefully I can get my desired layout up soon, though. Anyone have any suggestions?