Kero's Weblog

Tuesday, August 6, 2002 04:27 a.m.

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Kero Site v2.3 Update
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Bugfixes:
Fixed bug with victory not registering when the puzzle is completed with a mouse movement (this was annoyingly difficult to fix)

New Additions:
Updated & Streamlined Interface
Added Timer & Score System (whenever you solve a puzzle, the time remaining is added to your final score)
Added Level System: six levels are now available with different puzzles for every level

Note: If anyone ever manages to complete all six levels, email me at kalindor@hotmail.com, and I'll add some more levels to the game.

Monday, August 5, 2002 03:25 p.m.

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Kero Site v2.2 Update
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Added the Kero Puzzle Game. To activate, simply click on the question mark button on the console and a new window will pop up with game within. I'm thinking of putting in a timer and record high scores, but it'll depend on whether people actually like the game enough to play it.

Monday, August 5, 2002 12:16 a.m.

Perhaps destiny isn't the rigid, unalterable force that the classics have made it out to be. Perhaps it's merely a gravity that draws events and people together; an attraction that pulls us into a singular point in time and space.

Drawn by the indescribable force we allude to as instinct or the series of inexplicable events we dismiss as coincidences, we find ourselves propelled into destinations and colliding with acquaintances we might not have otherwise encountered. If you truly considered it, the odds of the exact sequence of events occurring indiscriminately is so infinitesimal that the mere prospect of it being truly random is simply ludicrous.

Inexorably, there is a link that binds all of us together, an invisible circuit that connects humanity into a complex network of accidents and mishaps that define the course of our existence. There is a definite course on which we tread, punctuated by an invisible hand that guides us or leads us astray on a whim.

Yet, we would like to at least have the illusion of having some control over our lives. We would like to think we control our own destinies, and, in certain instances, that we are capable of making decisions that shape or reshape our lives into our own vision.

In the end, we are the rulers of our own fate; we decide which path to take in those critical forks in the road. But, the road signs of coincidence and happenstance still shadow our existence, providing a ready roadmap for the journeys that lie ahead.

Saturday, August 3, 2002 02:48 a.m.

Decided to change the images on the blog, exchanging the available backgrounds. There are still twenty images, but they're all different now. Enjoy ^_^

Also, thanks to everyone who gave me feedback concerning Pawn's Gambit. It was a fun little exercise designed to get the creative juices flowing, and hopefully it worked. For Mars and Chikara's sakes, I'll lay off the cheese in the future ^_^.

Friday, August 2, 2002 03:50 p.m.

Rewrote some parts of the 'Pawn's Gambit', the Weiss Kruez fic. Basically just plugged in the Yoji/Aya duel and expanded on the section where Yoji infiltrates the warehouse.

You can access the new version here.

Thursday, August 1, 2002 12:49 p.m.

On a more interesting note, Becca sent me this pic a while back and I thought I'd post it if anyone wanted to sneak a peek ^_^

Me&Pablo.jpg

Thursday, August 1, 2002 09:30 a.m.

I got my first feedback from the ficcie:

"Chikara: @____@;;;; disturbiiiiinnggg. add the fact that I'm pro Yoji x Asuka and the fact i utterly detest Sakura..@_@ *blank* I have no idea what to say about it. *sheepish* XD I like the ending tho. haha. So its my sadistic side~ XP sue me."

Ok, ok, maybe I shouldn't quit my day job hehe.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002 07:00 p.m.

Read a fic by Mia called From the Shadows towards the Light and it managed to plant the seed for my own little fan fiction.

Although our pieces aren't really related in any way, they do draw characters from the same series: Weiss Kruez or White Cross. The story was drawn from various discussions spawned from the previous blog entry and is completely fictional. Any similarities to actual events are purely coincidental.

The language is intentially very simplistic, relying less on imagery and more on pacing and stark symbolism. It's basically a WAFF with a twist (WAFFle?) that walks the fine line of cheesiness.

I dubbed it "Pawn's Gambit" and it can be found in the Archive Section or you can click here.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002 11:29 a.m.

I wrote this the other day, but there was a sudden power failure. I saved it as a word document (under UPS power) and promptly forgot about it. While doing some write-ups, I saw the file and decided to finish writing it. Here are the ramblings I made right before the lights went off:

The totality of all the philosophical tirades that the world can muster about relationships can be summed up in two simple words: complete helplessness. It is the intricate emotional circuitry that manipulates us, overwhelms us, and forces us into action and inaction: it is the bane to all logical thought.

Whether through some mental short-circuit or quirk of nature or indelible instinct, we are all drawn to our own demise: the proverbial moths to a flame. We all know the risks, and potential pitfalls, yet we continue the fatalistic dance of relationships, with the knowledge that eventually, unavoidably, we are destined to be injured; to have our wings clipped, our flight sabotaged. And, the spiraling, plummeting fall that ensues can inflict harm that is irreparable, indelible, and, at times, insurmountable.

Yet, there is something in a fleeting smile, in the ephemeral warmth in an altruistic hug that can impede logic, circumvent knowledge, and dismantle experience. It leaves us wanting, missing, incomplete. It leaves us with a gaping hole that gnaws at us at night, distracts us during the daylight hours, and inflicts the worst torment imaginable.

Sunday, July 7, 2002 04:58 a.m.

The cellular phone, a marvel of modern technology capable of providing what modern medicine can't: a legally addictive experience that borders on the insane. This addiction is hardly inexpensive, with hundreds of thousands spending exorbitant amounts on prepaids and line accounts in order to remain "wired" to their family and friends.

Yet, it appears to be a small price to pay. With the ability to communicate with people on demand with relative anonymity and without fear of rejection, it appears to be the perfect form of social communication. The cellular phone has become such an icon in our country that leaving home without it is almost unthinkable. Without it, you've suddenly lost your link, your life, your connection with the world.

Unfortunately, this device is hardly free to maintain. The service fees can be debilitating, with an upkeep that can consume a great deal of your disposable income. For some, the expenditures to feed this addiction surpasses even the amount of money spent on self-nourishment.

To compound the problem, the telecom companies, like ravenous drug-dealers, are quite eager to rake in the profits: raising rates and lowering free texts in order to make sure you pay, and pay dearly, for your addiction. Despite this knowledge, we remain helpless - hostages to the digital device chained to us through a necessity imposed by our society.

Without knowing it, we've branded the unconnected as social outcasts. Without the cellphone, they've been nudged out of the social circles we've meticulously crafted. The written letter and even the telephone have become antiquated relics used only when you've run out of credit.

In the end, we've become a country of addicts, riding high on the SMS exchanges that frequent our daily lives, and lamenting over the withdrawal symptoms when we eventually run out of credit. We’re sobered from our indulgent fits only during those sparse moments when the bills come in, and you’re not quite sure you can afford to pay the admission fee.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002 11:34 p.m.

Shopping: the activity that endows ecstacy to the female gender and, at the same time, instills the most abject fear and dread to their male counterparts. Admittedly, with friends, the prospect isn't quite as daunting, and, in the case of girlfriends, can actually be quite tolerable.

However, when relatives are involved, the results can be quite caustic. Case in point: the unit known as Majorly Obsessed Machine (MOM). Once said unit passes by a window displaying clothing apparatus, said unit is compelled to enter "Browse Mode," an activity that has the duration of most of the day.

I understand, of course, that before making a purchase, the product should be inspected for make, material, reliability, aerodynamics, and cornering, but it amazes me that after expending most of the afternoon, the most atrocious article of clothing appears to leap out of the hangers and into MOM's shopping bag.

Sunday, June 16, 2002 06:11 p.m.

The cable modem's been struck... again. This time, it was a power surge of some sort triggered when Meralco was working on the power lines near our house. NOW Cable is supposed to be sending a repair crew sometime tomorrow afternoon to fix it.

The result? I'm stuck typing away at my brother's terminal (which is connected via DSL) whilst he and his girlfriend are out. I could start another tirade about how intolerably sickening their subservient relationship is, but I won't. I could complain about how non-existent her personality is or how simply transparent she is, but I'll refrain from doing so.

Needless to say, I shall choose to remain a "Lonely Driver" for some time to come. Or, in the words of Odessa, "I shall look but I won't touch": words of wisdom to live by; words that will survive the nuclear holocausts that frequent less prudent lives.

So, why is it that I suddenly feel so much akin to a cockroach?

Thursday, June 6, 2002 06:18 p.m.

The squealing of tires resounded loudly as the Evo drifted into the corner. Struggling with the steering wheel, Kero steadied the mechanical beast, deftly acquiring the best line. As he reached the apex, he quickly shifted into third gear, hurtling the Evo forward into the short straightaway.

The next series of turns were even more brutal: a sharp turn to the right that terminated in a hairpin turn. Glancing at his rearview mirror, Kero caught a glimpse of the Impreza that hounded him, mimicking every expert turn he managed to pull off. With the finish line in sight, the next few corners would decide the race’s outcome.

Tapping the brake as he eased up on the accelerator, Kero downshifted into second as he entered the corner in perfect form. As he approached the hairpin and prepared to lift the handbrake, a voice echoed in from behind him.

"Um, Kero," the voice prodded hesitantly.

"Not now," Kero snarled. "I’ve nearly won this road battle."

"But Kero," Mars chimed, "you have to push the start button first."

"I knew that," Kero retorted as he reached over to press down on the blinking button that adorned the console.

Damn potholes.

Monday, June 3, 2002 03:02 a.m.

Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as she deftly jerked it to the side, narrowly avoiding a collision with an embankment. The squeal of tires trailed her as she brought her weight down on the accelerator, filling the air with the ferocious roar of her Impreza WRX's 2.0 litre 16-value engine. Recovering from her near-collision and quickly picking up speed, she hastily glanced at her tachometer as she shifted to third gear.

The last corner was risky, but her gamble had paid off. Her opponent was now in plain sight and the distance between them, closing.

With a trickle of sweat rolling down her cheek, she yanked on the stick, throwing it into fourth gear. She could feel all 227 horses as the needle on her tachometer danced near redline. She could almost read the RX-7 emblazoned on the trunk of her opponent's sportster as she slowly crept up on it with her own.

She knew that the next turn would decide the outcome of this road battle. Her only chance was to creep up on the inside, drop a gear, then floor the accelerator on the turn. But, as she entered the corner, the other car veered wildly to cut her off. She engaged the brakes, but was barely able to avoid rear-ending her opponent.

She turned to the outside, but it was too late. She was going way too fast. A fragile steel railing would be the only barrier preventing her from plummeting into the chasm below.

She turned the wheel as far as it could go, gritting her teeth as the chasm's edge quickly approached. Her tires squealed loudly as the Impreza entered a deadly drift. She tried to recover, but, instead, went into a tailspin, striking the steel barrier with full force.

Darkness engulfed her vision as two crimson words flashed into view.

"Punyetas!" Mars exclaimed as she staggered out of the cockpit, fumbling with her card as she contemplated her next match and wondered how much credit remained.

Friday, May 31, 2002 05:54 p.m.

She was seated beside me in the car, peering at me nervously as I maneuvered the haphazardly paved city streets. Narrowly avoiding one of the many potholes that littered the congested highway, I listened intently to soundtrack of Initial D as it hummed restlessly in background.

The others had cancelled, opting to instead meet us for dessert at Starbucks afterwards. Intent on showing off my new find, a quaint Japanese restaurant nestled in Eastwood, I decided to proceed with the dinner plans despite their absence.

She was initially reluctant when I materialized at her door without an entourage, but decided to go anyway. Now, seated beside me as my Lancer navigated a path through Ortigas, she smiled weakly as some semblance of conversation passed between us.

Finally, she turned to me, a hint of nervousness lingering in her bated breath. An eerie silence shrouded the car's interior as the tape ended, making me keenly aware of the deep rumbling of the Lancer's engine.

Slowly, her lips curled then parted as she caught her breath. Her gaze enveloped me, imprisoned me in her shining, brown orbs. Then, suddenly, she spoke, shattering a silence that seemed impenetrable.

"I wish you were gay."

CRASH!!!

Damn pothole.

Wednesday, May 29, 2002 02:35 a.m.

It's said that "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Let me add to that, "and Poverty means never being able to say you're sorry... or pretty much anything mostly because you haven't been able to pay your cellfone bills and got cut off."

Spent most of the day aiding a friend in his endeavors to prepare for a foray into Nippon today. It's a Japanese government sponsored trip, and, despite the frills, promises to be more work than fun. Despite this, I find myself more than a little envious.

I'm expecting the workload to increase in his absence and the prospect fills me with dread. Our plans are ambitious to say the least, and the potential rewards are limitless, but the path to these goals are fraught with pitfalls, trials, and peril.
Whether we survive or fail depends on the upcoming months. It is imperative that we all remain cohesive, especially during times that will test our resolve, patience, and ultimately, our mettle.

Tuesday, May 28, 2002 04:03 a.m.

Poverty doesn't really hit you all at once. It comes in portions, in segments, in scant moments of realization. It occurs to you when you least expect it; when the idea that the final border of economic tolerance has been breached, plummeting you into the continent of the "have nots."

It becomes blatantly obvious when you begin the process of substitution. Suddenly, you discover that the Frappuchino has magically transformed into a McDip; that the warm ambience of that posh, upscale restaurant has been replaced by the stark interior of a local Fast Food outlet. Then, you begin to affix price tags to everything you own, imagining what transactions would be necessary to ensure your survival.

Wednesday, May 8, 2002 04:41 p.m.

Made this comment on someone else's live journal. It kind of got long and turned into a commentary about Spider-man the Movie. I thought it might be an interesting read for my pitas as well:

Perhaps the urge stemmed from the countless hours spent hidden under the covers armed with a flashlight, excitedly perusing panels featuring the web-slinging wallcrawler, or perhaps it was the frequent visits to the local comic book stand in hopes of grabbing the next issue hot off the shelves. But, for whatever reason, Spider-man the Movie, decked in the vestments of the latest special effects Hollywood could muster, was a performance not to be missed.

From the opening scenes where the beginnings of Spidey's expansive comic book lore emerged to the eye-popping visuals and cinematography, the movie evoked an overwhelming sense of nostalgia and rekindled the excitement of those forlorn days of my youth. The scenes depicted, from the moments of contemplation over the New York skyline to the impressive web-slinging action sequences, were faithful to the comic book incarnation, lending to a completely visceral experience.

Here was a young man tormented by ethical concerns and the tribulations of growing up. Here was a person who questioned himself and who was foiled at every turn in his quest for romance. No matter how hard he tried to do the right thing, no matter how he agonized about choices in his life, things always spiraled out of control.

Caught up in life issues, economic distress, and romantic turmoil, Spider-man was a hero you could identify with. He was a hero who was a reflection of every young man who struggled with peer acceptance and ethical quandaries. He was mortal. He was human. He felt like someone you knew. He was less the super-hero and more the living, breathing person.

Seeing all this on the big screen, with all the bells and whistles of a Hollywood feature film, sent shivers down my spine. It didn't matter that the web-slingers were a genetic aberration instead of a mechanical device. It didn't matter that the wise-cracking jokes that the web-head recited were conspicuously missing. What mattered is that Spider-man finally leapt out of the pages of comic literature into visual treat that finally captured his essence.

In a world mired by corruption and soiled by greed and conflict, the simplistic world of the Supermen appear inappropriate and illogical. But, Peter Parker, plagued by everyday dilemmas, is a safe harbor for a person struggling with his own life. And, despite being assaulted by an endless torrent of misfortune, Peter does the right thing in the end. He is unfazed by the corrupting factors that surround him and remains pure. We can only hope that, in our own lives, we can make the right decisions, and, like Spider-man, turn into someone we can truly admire in the end.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002 03:18 p.m.

In the totality of one's existence, there can be only one certainty: nothing is certain. The path to one's goal meanders, taking obnoxious turns and straying consistently from the road chosen.

Today is the last day of April in a year begun with optimism, plagued by conflict, and shrouded by frustration. Plans have been set into motion, yet the gears churn wearily and a bleak horizon unfolds.

The mask of false optimism is a heavy but necessary burden. Like all things, the chains that bind harbor weak links, but I'm determined neither corrode nor weaken in resolve.

But, nothing is more disheartening than helplessness. In that moment where your efforts no longer act as a propellant, and inaction is just as effective as action, you feel as if the world has been put on hold.

You struggle to escape the confines of your own prison, but discover that all exists beyond it is a vast, open wasteland. And, your only comforts rest in the brief moments of interaction with the various other inmates of this existence.

Wednesday, April 3, 2002 05:27 a.m.

Holy week has spoiled me. Lately, I've managed to somehow accumulate eight hours of sleep a day and consume a great deal of confectionary delights. The undesired result: an unwanted weight gain.

The scorching weather is a welcome scapegoat, but the true culprit is simply a lack of discipline. I've allowed myself to indulge in sloth and excess. It's too tempting to sleep in while a heat wave rages in the great outdoors. It's too easy to seek comfort in an air-conditioned chamber, endlessly agape at a flickering box.

Contingencies have already been made in order to combat this confluence of indolence, but sticking to the agenda is a different matter. Maintaining what I've managed to achieve in the recent past will require eternal vigilance and an equal dose of unyielding determination.

Wednesday, March 13, 2002 04:16 a.m.

Nothing occupies my time more these days than thinking. Contemplation compounded infinitely; probing beyond reason, wondering beyond cause. I question every step, and find myself paralyzed: unable and unwilling to act or move.

Every written passage of my own history is reenacted endlessly in my mind, and, as a result, I end up living more in the past than the present. I am afraid to move on, seeking sanctuary in the victories of the past and cowering from old failures.

Every move is taken with trepidation, unwilling to expose a heart once broken. Unable to cross the threshold; incapable of allowing anyone inside the deepest chambers of my soul.

Perhaps I dream of being unfettered; of being unshackled by emotions that can strike you truer than any foil. Yet, in doing so, I've erected barriers that have walled me in. I feel trapped and lonely within, caged by my own malice and contempt. I reside in a prison dank and lonely, without another to ease the reverberations of a soul incarcerated by frozen time.

Wednesday, March 6, 2002 03:36 a.m.

Will wonders never cease? It seems that I've somehow been wrangled up as the ball date of a friend of a friend. The only catch is that I've never actually met the person who's interested in having me as a ball date. In fact, I will be meeting this individual for the very first time next Tuesday for dinner.

Despite assurances, I'm rather tentative about the whole situation. After all, this is the very first time I've ever been asked out on an event aside from the casual dinner and movie bit at the local shopping district.

I'm prone not to dismiss opportunities, however. This event promises to be a welcome hiatus from the daily grind; a pleasant respite from my dreary existence. And, it may just be the shot in the arm that I need to regain some semblance of normalcy in this turbulent, mangled tapestry that I haphazardly label a life.

Tuesday, March 5, 2002 03:21 a.m.

It's a homecoming of sorts, negotiated after a bout of wandering and self-searching. Assailed by deadlines, it seems life may suddenly take a meandering course through many tribulations, but great rewards loom in the horizon.

Perhaps it's because of a recent Tarot Card reading that I've suddenly regressed into Fortune Cookie Colloquialism, but it seems somehow appropriate. The future is a wide expanse, filled with many possibilities. An obnoxious optimism has possessed me, and I'm something I haven't been in a long time: content and filled with purpose.

I'm in the trenches once again, working on a project with dedicated comrades. Each one with his and her own drama, yet reaching towards a common goal. I've shed the vestments of the lone wolf and donned the armaments of allegiance once more. Again, I am part of something; something that is on the fringes of greatness.

I know that the journey won't be easy. Pitfalls and frustrations are bound to emerge, but the endeavor in itself is rewarding. The challenge and the company I've acquired is enough to set wings to my soul. In the end, I may falter and fall, but it's worth it to simply catch a glimpse above the clouds.

Monday, February 25, 2002 02:43 a.m.

As twilight falls, heralding the blanket of night that engulfs all things, we recall the comforting warmth of the day. The sunlit garden of youth blazing brightly, embracing, eclipsing with wondrous splendor.

Those were the days when wounds healed quickly, and the rush of life coursed wildly through vigorous veins and vivacious arteries. When we felt invulnerable, indomitable, invincible.

The zest of days long past is difficult to surrender, yet fleeting and impossible to retain. As the darkness approaches, it brings with it fear, apprehension, even loathing. Yet, in its misty tendrils, there lies the promise of a soothing embrace.

Perhaps, at the end of the day, all that is left are memories, vivid and lasting. But, they are the fuel that sustains us until the breaking of the next dawn.

Saturday, February 16, 2002 11:48 p.m.

Life is an unpredictable dynamic. It warps, shifts, evolves, devolves, confounds, confuses. And, just when you think you've finally gotten the hang of it, it throws you a curve. Suddenly, you find yourself reeling, left in a reality that was previously unfathomable.

I've officially lost almost everything. In a moment, in an infinitesimal patch of time, all my preconceptions, expectations, and projections dissolved into nothingness.

All things material have been forcibly torn from my grasp, and I find myself naked and alone. I find myself having to start again without the lofty exuberance of youth. The prospect is daunting, if not abyssmal.

Yet, despite it all, you learn that there is something that cannot be wrenched from your grasp. And, you learn that, in some ways, friends are the most cherished treasure you will ever have. It is the strength that will allow you to persevere; the lifeblood that will let you endure until you can once again rise from the ashes, a glorious pheonix that will soar into the clouds and beyond.

Monday, February 4, 2002 12:30 p.m.

The world still hasn't come back into focus. Shaken, stirred, and convoluted, there's still something in the fringes that's bothering me. I'm not really sure what, but my mind tends to meander listlessly these days, and I find myself wondering about the future.

Maybe its just the instinctual desire for monogamy or an indication that the springs in my biological clock are wearing down. Not that I think there will ever be Ms. Right out there; there probably isn't even a Ms. Possible.

Possibly it's the fact that Becs has reawakened some ancient beast deep down inside me. The feelings of concern and protectiveness have arisen once again after slumbering for many years. I've thought these emotions long extinct, slain by the debacle that was my last relationship, but it seems some things tend to lie dormant before lashing out once again when you least expect it, like a smoldering volcano.

Suddenly, the comforting, singular existence may not be enough. The desire to be 1/2 of something bigger instead of one whole person is creeping back into my emotional architecture. It's a gravity that's hard to resist, and I'm afraid I could be regressing into an emotional, irrational monster once again.

Sunday, February 3, 2002 07:33 a.m.

It's been a while since I've made an entry. Buried under a pile of work and endless projects, it seemed as if there was no more time nor need for introspection. Life is so much simpler when you live it as a spectator, without the infuriating bouts of emotion.

It worked for me for a while. I lived life without really being an active participant. It was unobtrusive, even quaint. It may not have been really living life, but it was an endurable facsimile.

Imprisoned in a gilded cage of my own design, made to keep people out as much as keeping myself in. Sure, there were moments when I allowed people to visit occasionally. But, visiting hours were scarce and the only inhabitant was a two-dimensional being with a fake smile.

Then, without warning, the bars came tumbling down. After a friend landed in the hospital, she suddenly became the sole focus of my existence. I abruptly felt keenly aware of her own fragile mortality. And, the thought of maybe never seeing or speaking to her again seemed incomprehensible.

I spent the last week almost constantly in her presence. The nights wandered into day then meandered back to night, and I would find myself still engaged in conversation with her. I listened to her intently as she exposed her hopes and dreams as well as frustrations and debacles.

I rediscovered what made her important to me; rediscovered how, deep down, we're cut from the same mold. Rediscovered that in this whole, wide world there wouldn't be anyone I'd rather spend my time with. And, that there's very little that I wouldn't do for her.

Tuesday, December 11, 2001 08:39 a.m.

The Kero Financial Report:

As the Christmas season approaches, I find myself overwhelmed by an almost incalculable amount of projects that require completion. Financially, I'm in the doldrums until the 15th, when a sorely needed infusion of funds will occur.

The problem is that this leaves me about ten days to do Christmas shopping this year. I dread the prospect of wading into a frenzied mob of holiday shoppers, but it seems inevitable this year.

Friday promises to be a welcome respite, and I really do hope that a certain someone accepts my invitation to go to the Lord of the Rings premiere. If not, I'll probably end up watching it during its regular run in January.

I've been idling severely in #P_O recently, and I apologize to a lot of people, especially Becca, for this. It's just that I've been so caught up in work recently. The situation will probably improve after the holidays, and I'll be able to chat more freely while my work takes on a more automated nature.

Monday, December 3, 2001 08:07 a.m.

Sleep has been a rare commodity recently. The days seem to grow longer; the hours drawn out and wearisome. When the opportunity finally arises to log some serious hours in dreamland, words crowd my mind, obliterating any chance of a restful respite from day's activities. That's why I'm here, blogging early in the morning when I should be off in dreamland.

As the year draws to a close, it's inevitable that you begin to reflect on the events that transpired. You question yourself. You wonder if what you've accomplished was worth anything - is worth anything. You question your direction, your motives, your plans. You wonder if you're running around in circles or actually getting somewhere. You start to ask the hard questions, and wonder if you can answer them.

When I was a child, I grew up too fast. I preferred working on algorithms and business plans. There was always the dream of becoming the next Steve Jobs (CEO of Apple and Pixar). Yet, as another year concludes, I'm as far from my lofty goal as I ever was. The only thing I've become is much older - and much more disillusioned.

It's not that I regret the friends and experiences I've accrued along the way, but I feel as if I could've been much more - the diamond in the rough that never reached its luster. I've seen my talents deteriorate and my skills atrophy with the passing of decades. The praises for my accomplishments have subsided; the accolades turning into a deafening silence.

And, I can't help but feel alone, wondering if anyone even reads any of this. Wondering if anyone even cares. Wondering if I've made a difference, or if I'm merely some transient being living in someone else's life.

Sunday, December 2, 2001 06:15 a.m.

No Takoyaki again this week, but Cheesecake became a worthy and tasty substitute. The break was much-needed and quite welcome. The unceasing cycle of work, stress, and sleep deprivation was eating away at the very fiber of my being. It was great to be able to go out again, and, despite being barely conscious at times, the excursion was quite enjoyable.

The mere change of scenery was already invigorating in itself. Being away from the chorus of work-related stimuli and conversing with friends on diverse and completely unrelated subjects provided a welcome diversion.

It seems that this Christmas season is much bleaker than previous ones. Economically in a rut, prospects are close to non-existent as prices plummet out of control. Yet, even during these times, a day spent with friends could be all that's required to uplift the soul and plant the seed for a brighter and better tomorrow. And, it will be a future filled with reckless abandon with the additional incentive of tasty Takoyaki, I swear it!

Monday, November 26, 2001 05:34 a.m.

It seems that life hits me with yet another reality. Just when I think that my energy is boundless, just when I start believing that I can achieve just about anything, I'm hit with the cold, hard truth: I do have my limits.

There are only so many hours in the day, and I can only push myself so far. I've placed so many unfinished projects in the backburner that I've become overburdened by weight of my own designs. The monumental task of sorting, organizing, and completing these projects is overwhelming.

Despair creeps in, as does that unshakable dread that someday the precarious house of cards I've build around myself will collapse on top of its architect. It's a frightening thought, and one that haunts me with every waking moment.

It is during these occasions, in that tiny interval between the stillness of the night and the breaking of the dawn, that I truly feel isolated from the world. Everything is perfectly still as if time itself has ceased to be. I become aware of my own humanity, and by inclusion, my own mortality.

I begin to contemplate how finite and inconsequential my own existence is. There is so much left to do, yet I'm neither omnipotent nor eternal. When everything is said and done, there is only so much that I can do.

But, like all journeys, it all begins with a single step. Then another. And, another. What keeps me alive are the people who provide a brief respite from the journey, and make the weighty burden much easier to bear.

Friday, November 23, 2001 10:42 p.m.

Hopeless Holidays:

Oka-san: Be sure to be home by 7 PM. We'll be having Thanksgiving dinner.

Kero: *blink* But, isn't Thanksgiving an American holiday? Aren't we in the Philippines?

Oka-san: It doesn't mean we can't celebrate Thanksgiving, does it?

Kero: *shrugs* So, what are we having for dinner?

Oka-san: I've already ordered dinner. It's take-out Japanese food.

Kero: Ho-eee?!! *facefaults*

Tuesday, November 20, 2001 02:48 a.m.

I once dreamt of being exceptional: of becoming one of the elite few endlessly admired by society. I've always aspired to forge something that would forever secure me my own special corner in the annals of human history. Whether through some ingenious design or some form of literary construct, I was determined to erect something that would etch me permanently into the memories of every living being on the planet.

It was an ambition that led me down many passageways; through myriad adventures and misadventures. I've sailed through tempestuous storms and calm waters alike. All the while searching, exploring - like some Spanish Conquistador on a quest for his own City of Gold.

Yet, in my never-ending journey, my efforts have only served to plunge me deeper into mediocrity. I've become one of the ubiquitous I've sought so hard to impress. I've capitulated to the role of one of the struggling masses too busy wading through their own microscopic universe to really matter in the big picture.

But, there is solace in the fact that, in my own way, I do matter. In those few moments when I administer a few sagely words of advice, or elicit a smile, a chuckle, or the rare fits of uncontrolled laughter, my existence matters. To that person, I made a difference. To that person, I'll be remembered. To that person, I'm exceptional.

And, sometimes, that makes all the difference in the world.

Sunday, November 18, 2001 09:45 p.m.

Last week was quite unpleasant: wasted a lot of time and money (amounting to Php95,000 or ,826.92), but at least everything's running again. I believe the recent power fluctuations were responsible for the recent equipment failure, but there's really no way to be sure. Regardless, by the weekend, I was ready for some serious splurging.

When females are feeling generally miserable, they often splurge on a make-over or go shopping. When guys are miserable, it's often a trip to the local electronics store for the "gadget of the week." But, being financially destitute, I decided the gizmo of the week wasn't an economic feasibility, so I settled for the next best thing: Hagen Daaz!

Chikara and Mars accompanied me on my tribute to binging. First, we had that Fondue Set: eight scoops of ice cream, fruits, and brownies with a pot of melted chocolate and a side of almonds and pistachio nuts. Of course, we couldn't let the left-over chocolate go to waste, so we ordered an extra pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and spread the remaining chocolate with bits of fruit and brownies on top of the heaping servings.

Unsatisfied by this unprecedented indulgence, Mars even went so far as to get another scoop of Green Tea ice cream on a waffle cone! After wandering around the mall with a sugar-coated bloodstream, the world began to look quite hazy.

Despite the high price of admission, the ice cream binge was highly satisfying. Although it probably won't happen again in the near future, it had a good fun to calorie ratio. Considering all the calories that got consumed, that's a heck of a lot of fun. ^_^

Wednesday, November 14, 2001 04:36 a.m.

It seems my internet connection has been frenetic lately, making it very difficult to surf and even more difficult to blog. Not much has been happening to this so-called life of mine anyway. It's been mostly work, work, and more work.

The other day, when I was carrying some stock down to be delivered, I slipped and fell a flight of steps. It didn't seem so bad, but, later on, when a masseuse tried to clear out this vein that was stuck in my shoulder, it hurt... ALOT!

After convalescing for a day, most of the pain has subsided, although I'm still a bit sore. It seems Benj had a similar incident. I guess tragedies occur concurrently to the greatest minds of Asia, in the Philippines, in Metro Manila, who are in #Pinoy_Otaku after midnight.

Tuesday, November 6, 2001 04:50 a.m.

I've been feeling quite despondent lately. The trip to Anime Quest 2001 and Sunday's power outage resulted in a backlog that I'm still struggling to overcome. There's still a whole lot to do and not much time to do it in. I've got promises and obligations to meet, and I intend to fulfill them in a timely manner.

It's also the fact that I've been reading through the mailing lists. The criticisms about Anime Quest were disheartening. It made it appear as if profiteering had taken over the Anime scene. Suddenly, it's all become about big business and squeezing as much as possible out of people while giving them as little as possible in return.

I feel as if Anime fans have been de-humanized and turned into profit statements. I feel as if the community has been betrayed. It's no longer about entertaining, it's about making money. And, that really disturbs me.

When you start considering people as a resource instead of as individuals, when you begin to take them for granted, that's when the real tragedy starts. That's when you lose sight of your goal. That's when the community crumbles around you, and everything starts to break down.

It would be nice if, just once, you could go to an event and come home satisfied. It would be great if you could attend something where neither politics nor profiteering ran rampant. It would be even better if you could participate in something, really get into it, and come home feeling even more excited than when you came.

I think the Anime Community here is sorely lacking of a sense of pride in its accomplishment. It needs something to awaken the excitement that lies dormant within every Anime fan - not with false promises or translucent advertising, and certainly not with excuses like "well, it was worth the Php150" or "it's just a start." But, with a genuine and sincere effort to accommodate and even encourage fandom.

Perhaps it's a bit too much to ask for. In a region divided by religion, politics, and social standing, it's hard to believe in anything anymore. In a country where you can't even depend on basic services like electricity, it's hard not to be disillusioned.

But maybe, just maybe, one event can reverse the downward spiral. If only there was something created for Anime fans, by Anime fans, and devoid of corporate interests, you could revive the excitement. You could spark the imagination once more, and finally inspire pride in being amongst the ranks of the Anime Community in this beleaguered nation.

Monday, November 5, 2001 12:12 a.m.

On the last day of Anime Quest 2001, I decided to plop down the Php150 and go in. I was prepared this time, donning my favorite (read: only) sweater, I stumbled into the crowded convention hall.

I was immediately surprised by the number of cosplayers. There were more than 200, I believe, decked out in garb that emulated characters from obscure as well as the more ubiquitous anime.

There were many costumes that caught my eye, including some amazingly intricate ensembles with matching paraphernalia. After some searching, I managed to catch a glimpse of Minami in her Earthy outfit. It was a really classy costume, but the wig was a bit too cumbersome.

Then, later on, I ran into Dice who was wearing this incredibly detailed Gundam Girl outfit with matching gun and light saber. Down to the individual markings and warning labels, the design was akin to a Gundam model, only much, much larger.

Sometime during the show, a Luzon-wide power outage occured, resulting in the shutdown of the monitors as well as the air conditioning. Suddenly, wearing the sweater wasn't such a good idea. But, I can only imagine how much torture some of the cosplayers went through, wearing costumes that now doubled as hardened sauna suits. To make matters worse, they couldn't even sit down.

To make a long story short, Shin Getter Robo won first prize and Gundam Girl (aka Dice) placed second. We went to Burger King afterwards for a celebration of sorts, then I dropped Dice off at her place.

As I neared my domicile, however, a feeling of dread crept up to me as I noticed the area draped in veil of darkness. When I reached my place, my suspicions were confirmed. There was no power yet.

Quickly shifting into reverse, I raced to the nearest Starbucks to relish the air conditioning. Of course, the obligatory Frappuccino accompanied me on my visit ^_^.

On a whim, I once told the crew member at Starbucks that my name was Kero. Now, it seems the people there now know me by that name. The name's stuck ever since I've been hanging around the people at #P_O. I guess there are worse nicknames, but I cringe whenever the "chan" suffix is added to it O.o;;.

Friday, November 2, 2001 04:26 p.m.

An excerpt from my trip to the cemetery:

Bro: Isn't it annoying how commercialism has taken over the cemetery grounds every year around this time?

Kero: It's an unavoidable result of our profit-driven society. Where there's money to be made, people flock to line their pockets no matter how ammoral or reprehensible the activity is.

Bro: Yea, this place looks more like a marketplace than a cemetery.

Kero: It's not completely their fault though, the responsibility also lies in the consumerism that allows these shanty stands to thrive - it's the gullible masses that give into their gluttinous cravings despite the inappropriate locale. The blantantly tacky advertising is simply a natural result of their unceasing patronage to such unethical endeavors.

Bro: *while staring outside the car window* Look! A Pizza Hut! Let's get some pizza!

Kero: *blinks* I rest my case --o.

Friday, November 2, 2001 04:12 a.m.

I've often been reprimanded for my amazingly poor sense of direction and my propensity to allow myself to get hopelessly lost. Perhaps it's due to a mind that wanders aimlessly or the fact that I easily get distracted, but it's a attribute that's resulted in myriad misadventures in exotic locales to say the least.

Obviously, most of the situations I've stumbled into as a result haven't been entirely pleasant, nor have they resulted in any great reward. But, as a whole, these experiences have allowed me to take a step back and question what really matters in life.

It's almost as if I find myself whenever I lose my way. I catch myself noting the landscape, appreciating aspects I would most likely take for granted otherwise. But, most importantly, life ceases to be an endless excercise in tedium, and becomes a colorful adventure once again.

Perhaps we all need to lose our way sometimes - to experience that tinge of panic, that pinch of nervousness. Even if it's just to remind us that we're alive; that we're all human beings, and not mere mechanical constructs set to tasks that define our entire existence.

Thursday, November 1, 2001 12:09 a.m.

Went to Rockwell today and met a friend at the Seattle's Best there. He gave me two Grande Breve's for the price of one ^_^. When I went outside, however, I noticed a sign announcing free tarot card readings for receipts amounting P200 or more.

So, being the sucker that I am, I went back to Seattle's Best and got two more Grande White Chocolate Mochas. You soon learn that there is such a thing as too much coffee o.O.

After waiting about an hour for my turn, I stumbled into the tent half-expecting to see a wizened old woman in flowing, ebony garb. Instead, a middle-aged man, draped in a short-sleeved polo, greeted me with a tired smile.

The fortune teller told me that I was being held back in relationships because of a past relationship that failed (true, actually, but probably true for almost everyone as well) and that financially there would be growth and expansion in the near future. But, he also mentioned that business opportunities would come before any relationships.

I was also told that I am going to meet someone next year and would be engaged to her near the end of that year. Unfortunately, it will be a very long engagement that will only culminate in marriage five years later.

I don't really believe in that stuff, but it was fun nonetheless. I don't know if the hour wait was worth it, but I've never had my fortune told before, so it was, at the very least, an entertaining distraction. Besides, it's nice to think that there's some direction in your life, even if that very belief is a mere illusion.

Wednesday, October 31, 2001 03:06 a.m.

Just got back home from a really fun outing with Chikara, Mars, and Minami ^_^. After a knife-blunting yet tasty dinner at Pazzo, we wandered into Kidz Station where I found a miniature Chikorita! To Chikara's chagrin, I plopped down the hundred bucks and got my kawaii little mascot. It now adorns the top of my monitor: a proud guardian that exudes cuteness in copulent doses.

Then, it was off to the Power Station where Mars and Minami had a couple of tries at Keisukedan. It was a lot of fun and both Mars and Minami did surprisingly well, although they were both sore afterwards.

We finished off the evening at Straun and Tang's. It was a perfect closer for the excursion: a relaxing conversation while sipping tea and lounging casually. Filled with candid laughter and mischievous comments, it was a really nice way to unwind and let the stress of the past few days just melt away.

The only thing missing was the Takoyaki, something easily remedied the next time we get together. It's a bit early, but I'm already looking forward to it. I want my Takoyaki! c._.o

Saturday, October 27, 2001 03:26 a.m.

Osama Bin Ladin. He's somehow become the poster boy of terrorism. He's managed to eclipse even Saddam Hussein as one of the most despicable images of modern times. But, does he truly deserve the title or is he simply a scapegoat for a festering disease that's afflicted the world stage?

In the simplistic American view, Bin Laden is simply a madman who finances and propagates terrorist activities in the global arena. As an Islamic fundamentalist with a track record of financing international terrorism, he was a prime candidate for being the mastermind of the 9-11 tragedy. And, if by some miracle, he wasn't behind it, it didn't matter. Someone has to pay. It may as well be him.

The United States and, in a way, the entire world, has had its illusions of security shattered. If something like this can happen in a country touted as the world's only remaining superpower, is anyone anywhere really safe? People worldwide are afraid, and that fear needs to be abated to return to some sense of normalcy.

After all, we see some of the United States in every free country. In this republic, every facet of our lives is draped with American influence, from the icons of capitalism that line every department store to the very language we use in everyday conversation. America isn't halfway around the globe, it's right here with us, for better or for worse.

Yet, it makes you wonder if it'll ever be over, if anything will ever be the same. Even if bin Ladin is caught and executed, will it weaken global terrorism, or will it just end up adding more fuel to a blazing fire?

There is something horribly wrong with the world. There are global ills that need to be addressed. Bin Ladin isn't a lone madman with an army of mindless zealots behind him, he's a sign of the times; a product of a section of the world where politics have degenerated into a powder keg with a lit fuse.

But, the United States continues to search for the quick fix. Just like when they rescued Kuwait, leaving Hussein in power and a people with their lives in shambles. It doesn't matter, American interests were upheld - the fight for blue jeans, apple pie, and the local branch of McDonalds won. So, the Americans went home and left international events at arm's length once again.

Now, Iraq has been replaced with Afghanistan; Saddam Hussein traded for Osama Bin Laden. Wash, dry, rinse, repeat. It's a vicious cycle, and I guarantee it won't end there either. There will be another battleground to fight over, another madman to combat.

Yet, at the end of each conflict, the same issues will continue to fester and burn. Unless someone takes a long, hard look at the underlying disease that infests that corner of the globe and strives to prescribe a cure, nothing will change. Nothing, except for the myriad faces of hate and intolerance that emblazon the acts of violence made in the name of justice.

Thursday, October 25, 2001 04:30 a.m.

It appeared to be such a simple task: install Windows XP as an optional OS to improve the stability of my system. I'd still be able to run Windows 98 SE, so I wouldn't lose any compatibility, and XP would give me a much more stable environment for heavy tasks.

Of course, nothing ever goes as planned. I could be taking a computer apart and putting it back together with exactly the same components, and something would go awry. Something always goes wrong. I think it's a curse.

First of all, XP decides to crash during installation, and takes a hard drive with it. Then, after reinstalling XP once again, I make a fatal blunder: I listened to my brother.

His suggestion was to run a hard drive in NTFS. Admittedly, it does dig up some more HD space and speeds up access time, but the file system proved to be exceptionally incompatible.

For some reason, Win 98 SE refused to install when an NTFS drive was present. Nevermind that I was planning to install it in a FAT32 HD anyway, it decided it just didn't like NTFS and refused to install.

The thing is, I really needed to run Win 98 SE. Some pieces of hardware I have ceased drawing manufacturer's support a while back. They never bothered to make NT or Win 2k drivers for them, and that meant they wouldn't run in XP.

So, it was off to do some fdisking and return the drive to FAT32 format. Everything would have been fine this time around if I hadn't accidentally removed a partition using XP's partition manager. Damn, back to square one!

All in all, today's disaster ate away about half my day, cost me some data, and further shortened my lifespan. Lesson of the day: if you're thinking about fiddling around with your system's OS, don't expect it to go right the first time. Set aside time to do the installation right, and backup your data like there's no tomorrow.

Monday, October 22, 2001 11:21 p.m.

I think I've realized that when my life is bearable, I tend to neglect my blog. I guess it's just that the cathartic elements of my blog tends to overwhelm all its other functions. For me, it's a pulpit from which I preach my complaints; the podium from which I launch my angst.

It's just that lately there hasn't been much to bitch about. Life, despite the occassional frustration, has been adequate, even pleasant at times. And, it's hard to find inequity in any portion of my current existence.

Last Friday, I attended Yuffie's debut. Although I think I came a bit overdressed for the occasion, it was fun. Yuffie had on a stunning dress, Dess and Dice both had very shoujo apparel, Mars was amazingly color coordinated, Wami was dressed to kill, and Minami had on this really *NICE* outfit ^_^.

After my feeble attempts on the dance floor (I will never learn to dance ^^o), I sat down and enjoyed some pleasant conversation. It's interesting to really listen to people and watch their personalities unfold before your eyes.

The intricate web of relationships also unravels, with its strands binding everyone in a tenuous fabric woven from past deeds and misdeeds. It's mesmerizing to think how delicate the entire construct is; how the fibers will strain and stretch with every misunderstanding.

Despite the fact that some bonds snap, hurtling the relationship into an irreparable state, others regenerate, forming fibers stronger than the ones before. Relationships are like cockroaches: what doesn't kill it, makes it stronger and more resistant to the various toxins that life makes all of us endure.

Friday, October 12, 2001 12:54 a.m.

After receiving yet another barrage of crashes, I've finally decided that an upgrade was warranted. After all, my poor P-2 300 has been toiling laboriously for about six years and it's high time I provided it some respite. Stripped of several devices, "Penpen" (the name of the P-2 300) was retired from active duty and shall henceforth be utilized as a terminal system.

It's successor, dubbed "Trueno", is a much more powerful beast, exhibiting some of the more recent technological innovations. Armed with a Pentium 4 1.5 Ghz processor, it sports 512 MB of RDRAM, a 64 MB GeForce 2 Ultra, and a DVD ROM. Coupled with the other Hard Drives, it is now capable of storing about 90 GB of data.

The feature I most enjoy about Trueno, however, is its new monitor: a Viewsonic PF790 19" monitor capable of delivering a display resolution of 1600 x 1200 at 75 Hz. With a much greater viewing area, the clutter that pervades my desktop should be much less obtrusive.

The only problem I've encountered so far was a conflict with the network device drivers and having to reinstall all the software. Otherwise, it's been smooth sailing so far.

Wednesday, October 10, 2001 10:28 p.m.

Sometimes, I really do want to go insane. Not the kind of insanity that will drive me into the pits of depravity. Not the sort of madness that will propel me into a criminal act. What I crave is the kind of insanity that's been dulled by eons of regulated emotions and controlled behavior; to shed the spartan self-control I've mustered throughout the years. To fall madly, irrationally, deeply into something crazy, something completely insane.

There's something infinitely intoxicating about being able to act with unbridled passion - something mesmerizing about allowing yourself to walk the fine line. It's the kind of ecstasy that's lost to logic, that's devoid of reason. Yet, it's the variety of exquisite happiness that only blooms through risk; a prize won by exposing yourself to emotional turmoil.

I ask myself sometimes if I still have the courage to surrender to the insanity. After all, I've been burnt by it more than most. So much, in fact, that I no longer know if I have an ounce of passion left.

Yet, in the confines of my self-imposed exile, I long for a gentle touch, a warm caress. I crave for another body to wrap my arms around; one that will return my eager embrace. Just the fleeting warmth of a tender smile, the ecstasy of an unyielding gaze.

I don't know if I believe in love anymore - not so much as the need for an illusion of love: a poor facsimile born of necessity. And, I don't think there is "the one" for anybody. There is no love eternal, just a compromise made during the moment.

But, I think we all need to believe in something even if it is an illusion. We need to believe in miracles even if there are none. We need to leave ourselves bare and shed the inhibitions wrought upon us even if only for a short duration.

We all need to be in love, to fall in love even if it's a lie; even if it's unrequited. Because, the alternative is a lifeless existence without emotion, without need, without care. It's a world where no one wants to live in. It's a place much worse than any hell we could ever imagine.

Wednesday, October 10, 2001 02:57 a.m.

Feeling quite lethargic today. Woke up quite early, but ended up crashing out during the afternoon. I'm working, but breaks tend to come often and for no particular reason. Things feel as if they're grinding to a halt, and I'm winding down with it.

The weekend promises to be an improvement, but I need to prod some people into going out. Some of them still have finals next week though, so I'm not entirely optimistic.

Yuffie's Debut is next Saturday, and I still don't have anything to wear for it. The plan is to find something suitable this weekend. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, but I'd like to at least look decent on certain occasions. Besides, you never know who will show up.

Monday, October 8, 2001 12:55 a.m.

I'm still waiting to breathe. I'm watching helplessly, searching for a past so I can find a future; holding my breath as the minutes turn into hours, the hours into days. I'm lost, wandering through a daily labyrinth of disjointed events and fragmented time. Searching for the eloquence etched in a single moment.

I don't know where I am or who I am, but I'm finding myself in everyone I meet, a little bit at a time; hoping that the jigsaw puzzle will one day be complete, and I'll be whole.

One day, it'll happen. I'll glance up and see myself standing there. I'll welcome him, confide in him, learn to like him. But, until then, I'll wander down the broken passages of my soul, submerged in thought, asphyxiated by indecision, and still waiting to breathe.

Sunday, October 7, 2001 12:20 a.m.

First Saturday night that I've spent at home for a while now. Didn't really know how empty the house was during Saturdays until now. It's supposed to be ideal considering I have a lot of work that's backlogged, but, since I'm used to going out on Saturdays, it feels sort of hollow and lifeless.

Yesterday was a lot of fun, however. I picked up Mars and Sheila and we went to a Japanese restaurant where we met up with Fed, Krizelle, and Jake. Had a few pieces of tasty sushi for dinner while I watched in amazement as Mars gulped down an entire Okinomiyaki by herself.

We parted ways with Fed, Krizelle, and Jake and proceeded to Cable Car for some drinks. We shared a pitcher of Mudslide, but it wasn't really Sheila's fare, so we got her some Tequila shots and a Furo Loco.

Afterwards, we stopped by my place for a while and talked in the Karaoke Room since my mom wouldn't let us into the house. Then, it was off the Starbucks for some sobering up.

After taking Mars home, I stayed over at Sheila's place a while to keep her company. It was fun, and, before I knew it, the sun was already rising. Trekked home afterwards, but couldn't really get to sleep. Ended up talking with Sheila until the afternoon.

Not a bad Friday night/Saturday morning at all, and I'm looking forward to seeing Sheila and Mars again during the break. Hopefully, it'll be with Tina, who seems to be quite adept at dodging outings for some reason.

Friday, October 5, 2001 04:51 a.m.

I've been racking my brain lately, eagerly waiting for some sort of epiphany. I've been frantically probing my brain for some idea or concept that will propel me into a new direction; some venture that will immerse me for the next few years.

It's a very daunting task, especially considering the volatile economic state that the country is in. Many businesses are floundering, unable to escape a mountain of debt. Many others have gone so far into the red that filing bankruptcy has become their only option.

It's frightening to embark on a new journey now, but I feel like I've remained immobile long enough. The time has come to reach out for new ideas; explore new avenues.

Many possibilities have already taken root in my mind, but I'll repress the urge to leap into any of them. I'll explore each one meticulously, studying how each stem, leaf, and fruit will bloom over time.

But, even with the most carefully laid plans, there is no guarantee. Many things can still go awry: an experience I'm well versed in. But, with every frustrating failure, a victory looms in the horizon: a victory made many times sweeter by overcoming the many bitter hurdles that line the path less traveled.

Thursday, October 4, 2001 06:22 a.m.

Well, today I got the "you're a worthless, lazy bum" speech yet again from my mom. Much yelling and cursing about me being up staring at a computer when I should be fast asleep. Geez, at my age, you'd think that the concept of a curfew would be obsolete.

Sleeping is overrated anyways. If you get more than four hours a day, you're wasting what's left of your life, and I don't have much more to spare. Every day is a struggle to stay sane, and sometimes I feel like I'm losing.

And, I feel old. Nothing makes you feel older than a 22-year old telling you how old she feels. It makes you feel like a relic; like you're that much closer to being put out to pasture.

You know how you told yourself you'd be rich and successful when you hit thirty? You know how you told yourself you'd have a great car, a gorgeous girlfriend, and be fabulously wealthy? I had those aspirations once, but, for some reason, I struck out.

But, despite what my mom would like me to believe, I'm not a complete failure. Nothing I've acquired was ever handed to me. I put a lot of hard work into creating business ventures, and, although not all of them have succeeded, I make enough to get by. But, most importantly, I've survived whole.

I'm no longer the broken toy that my ex left behind. I'm no longer the hermit ashamed to leave the confines of my own prison. I care about people, and I no longer hate myself. That's a victory in itself. The best of victories. It's the one that counts.

Wednesday, October 3, 2001 04:18 a.m.

A girlfriend: you can live without having one, but sometimes, during a moment of weakness, you tend to miss being with one. I've had my share of bad experiences with relationships and I know I'll probably never get into one again, but, just when you think your life can be complete without one, something reminds you of how it was.

A memory, another couple, a moment of loneliness: they all serve to bring you back to what it was like. You remember the closeness, the companionship, the longing to be together. You recall what it was like placing their safety, their happiness before your own. You are reminded of how right it felt, and how it seemed like it would be forever. But, it's never forever. Sometimes, it's not even for very long.

So, instead of risking it, you go on with your life alone. You tell yourself it's far better to be just friends. You relate to everyone the multitude of reasons why relationships are not for you. You try your best to convince them because, in reality, you're trying to convince yourself.

It's hard because, deep inside every one of us, there is still that child who wants that happy ending - that part of us who still yearns to live a fairy tale. But, you grow up, or at least you hope you do. And, by doing so, you dispel the myths of magic and true love.

The things is, these myths aren't real. None of them are. It's all part of some grandiose dream thought up to make life bearable. And, unlike what most people would like you to believe, dreams don't come true. You just wake up the next morning with a really bad hangover wishing you never had it in the first place.

Tuesday, October 2, 2001 04:29 a.m.

Another fun-filled day of errands. Driving around town in moderate traffic, picking up this and that and leaving it here and there. Also had to deal with replacing my stolen credit card, with all the hassles involved. Tomorrow promises to be more of the same cheerful tedium.

On the bright side, my brother found a really interesting game. It's called Axis Arena and it's a blast. You basically pick a pilot for your mecha, outfit the mecha with weapons and parts, and go off on missions. Later on, you'll be able to use the weapons you find in the missions and be able to export your character and his mecha to a multiplayer session. Think Gundam with a hint of Quake III Arena and Counter-strike and you've got the basic idea.

Sunday, September 30, 2001 02:22 p.m.

Went to Cable Car Friday night with Benj and Mike where we had some drinks, pizza, and fries. Later on, Becca joined us for a night of kero-bashing and a pitcher of Mudslide.

Went home afterwards for a private screening of Initial D and some discussion about cars that lasted until early morning. After being interrupted, we proceeded to Starbucks for some needed coffee then dropped Benj off at his place.

After an unplanned excursion (translated: I got lost again), we ended up in Divisoria. Luckily, we managed to return to civilization after wading through heavy traffic.

After some errands and a frustrating mission to obtain ID pictures, we managed to catch an auto expo that featured some really cool modded cars and a beautiful Civic S2000!

The Fast and the Furious midnight showing followed: an adrenaline rush of visceral, pulse-pounding street car racing action that featured some of the most amazing souped-up cars I've ever seen. Between that and a tasty irish cappuccino, I found myself still wide awake.

The last couple of days were consumed with a stream of endless conversation and a variety of visual and auditory treats. Afterwards, I was completely exhausted but intensely satisfied.

Spent with a great friend, an ordinary day can sometimes feel astonishingly remarkable. It's not just the extraordinary days that make you feel appreciative of your existence: it's also the friend who makes the most mundane events miraculous simply by virtue of their company.

Friday, September 28, 2001 09:55 p.m.

Altered the image displayed on the viewscreen from a daily image to a random image. Also, there are now twenty possible images that can be displayed on the viewscreen. Hope this helps to spice the Weblog up a bit ^_^.

Friday, September 28, 2001 07:06 a.m.

Online relationships. They start innocently enough as a chance encounter between two strangers in an odd chatroom. Soon, a bond develops as you both cautiously unveil the sordid details of your life, past loves, and future ambition.

Involvement ensues, and you find yourself more and more immersed in her life. After a while, you find yourself exposing segments of your existence that were previously locked away, even from your closest friends.

Then comes the phone call. The sound of the other person's voice always comes as a surprise. It's never what you imagined, yet it spurs you on. You've reached another level of intimacy, and you find yourself craving more.

Then comes the meeting. It's the big day: the day where all the endless hours of baring your soul has lead to. It's the day when this mythical individual who has so deeply affected your life through long, engaging conversation materializes. She becomes real. She finally takes shape.

Then, suddenly, your hopes are shattered. It's then that you realize that it's all been an illusion - some fantasy fabricated to embellish a life lacking. There are no fairy tales etched on the canvas of the internet. There are no instant, ready-made, just-add-water relationships out there.

The promise of a realm where you can explore the very core of a person, unencumbered by the trappings of physical appearance and social mannerisms is as ethereal as the real estate of a webpage. The deep longing that overcomes you is nothing more than an inebriated condition, and there probably isn't a more sobering experience than that first painful encounter where the dream finally withers away.

Friday, September 28, 2001 06:02 a.m.

Added a couple of new features: (1) a new set of images in the viewscreen that will change on a daily basis; and (2) a new cursor image. The new images will be based on the day registered by your computer. If you want to change the image, simply set your computer's clock to another day and refresh the browser.

There are still several issues with Netscape browsers. I tried fixing them earlier, but the format of the page just won't look right on Netscape no matter what I do. Since almost everyone I know uses IE anyway, I'll just leave it alone for now.

I've been spending way too much time playing around with the code so I'll probably leave the code alone for a while and work on other projects.

Thursday, September 27, 2001 03:52 a.m.

I've just been warned that if I ever become gay, I'd be dead x.x. It was a warning issued by a female friend who's really protective of her boyfriend. It's a strange comment since I appear to be very... resistable to women.

Maybe it's just that I'd be a much better female than male. No, I'm not about to have an operation, and guys aren't really my thing. Plus, this staying alive business is preferable at the moment. It's just that sometimes it's a bit frustrating. I mean, I've always been the pursuer and never the pursued.

I know I'm nothing special: my looks aren't enough to turn heads and my personality isn't anything to write home about. It's just that I like having this illusion that I'm someone special and that someone somewhere out there will discover that. The thing is... Ms. Columbus isn't knocking on my door and I'll be waking up anytime now.

Wednesday, September 26, 2001 04:28 a.m.

Removed some code that shouldn't have been there in the first place, a result of my own sloppiness --o. Also removed some redundant sections and fixed up some format issues. The page should load much faster now as a result.

Apologies to Becca, whose toes I seem to be stepping on quite often lately --o. And, thanks to everyone who helped me test the new page ^_^.

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 02:30 a.m.

Small victories: nothing grand or earth-shattering, just the ones you barely notice. They're the kind of triumphs that you forget within a week; the kind that melt away with the myriad activities that consume your waking hours. They're the sort of stuff that'll earn you a fleeting smile, a passing compliment. Those are the ones that keep you alive.

Buried in hopelessness, consumed by despair, you claw desperately for an anchor - anything to keep you afloat, anything to keep you sane. Then, suddenly it hits you. You made a difference. Probably not in the grand design of things, but in your own miniscule way, you mattered. You do matter.

You remember their faces. How you made them laugh. How you made them smile. It's not much, but in that moment, you affected their lives. Maybe they won't remember you. Maybe in time, you'll become one of the faceless acquaintances they met once upon a time. But, for that one space in time, you were worth something. It's a small victory, but it's the small victories keep you alive.

Tuesday, September 25, 2001 12:45 a.m.

Added some new features to the Kero Site v2.1. The page should scroll down and resize once you enter. Also, there should be three new buttons to the right of the viewscreen: (1) the Wake Button; (2) the Page Up Button; and (3) the Page Down Button.

The Page Up and Page Down Buttons were created for easier navigation. The Wake Button was made just because I think it's cool ^_^.

Monday, September 24, 2001 05:26 a.m.

Earlier, I stepped out on the balcony and felt the rain. The experience felt surreal. Nothing's real. Not anymore. Even when the shower came down and drenched me, it felt empty, hollow, devoid of substance.

I feel broken, as if something deep inside me snapped in two. I'm left shattered and irreparable. I'm left wading in hopelessness.

The rain can't wash it away - nothing can. It's like a perpetual shroud that engulfs me, consumes me. I half-hoped the rain would melt away my flesh and dissolve me into nothingness.

But, it didn't. I'm still here. I'm still awake. Existing without reason; living without a soul. Waiting for the inevitable to release me, without the courage to expedite my parole.

Sunday, September 23, 2001 02:12 a.m.

Ah well, a misunderstanding resulted in a really dull evening. Honestly though, I think that canceling with Marla was the right thing to do. At least, she and Brian probably had a good time together.

Feeling particularly pensive today for some reason. I use to handle being alone much better than this. But, recently, I feel as if I'm being caged in my own isolation. It's a mood that's becoming more and more difficult to shake.

I've been thinking of going on a journey: somewhere I've never been before. Meet new people; see new things. It's just that I feel trapped here. I'm unable to escape the tedium, the unceasing routine. I wonder if anyone will miss me when I'm gone.

Saturday, September 22, 2001 06:32 p.m.

The new Kero Site v2.0 is out finally. It took about two days to figure out a nice, simple concept and tweak the layout with Benj's suggestions. Surprisingly, it only took about 4 hours to build and debug. It's nothing fancy, but it gets the job done. Plus, it's definitely much neater than the previous design.

Caught the problem with IE 5.0. IE 5.0 users should now be able to view the page properly. If you encounter any problems with this page, please email me at kalindor@hotmail.com.

Friday, September 21, 2001 04:32 a.m.

Again I'm listless, with my mind wandering without focus, without purpose. Troubled always inside my soul, my spirit struggles with mundane, tedious tasks as if they were monumental ordeals. The routine is suffocating, but I dredge on like a mindless automaton; counting the hours, minutes, seconds until one day overflows into the next.

Sometimes I wish there was something I could cling to; someone's arms I could find solace in. Instead, I feel the gaping emptiness engulf me little by little, siphoning away my soul - leaving me an empty husk.

I gain very little from my self-imposed exile, but the knowledge that I can no longer hurt or be hurt. Then, I once again don my soulless facade, eager to play the fool in my own tragic comedy.

Wednesday, September 19, 2001 01:28 a.m.

My car's in the shop so I'm using my mom's car to get around and do errands. It's been quite a hectic week so far, with a lot of things to do and not much time in which to do them. Sleep is in short supply, but I'm managing. The long drives are a drain though, especially when I'm stuck in never-ending traffic. Can't wait 'til the weekend. Thank goodness for the small pleasures in life: a tall cup of overpriced coffee and a Toggi bar.

I'm fluctuating between feelings of restlessness and exhaustion. It's almost as if I'm overwhelmed by activity, yet desperately waiting for something to happen. I'm keeping tabs on people I care about, yet remaining precariously on the fringes so as not to irk them.

There are people I care about... probably much more than they know. I feign distance and indifference, but if it came down to it, there's very little I would not do for them. Perhaps it's because I place too little value in my own existence that I prize theirs so highly, or perhaps it's just a poor proxy for the feelings of intimacy that I've so readily forsaken.

Regardless, I've made certain decisions about my life that I'm adhering to. And, if the price of those choices is eternal lonliness, so be it. There's no turning back now.

Monday, September 17, 2001 02:29 a.m.

Am checking out the condominium buildings in Eastwalk nowadays and considering getting my own place finally. If I do though, I'll need to get my own car as well. Already broached the subject to my mom, and she seems eager to get rid of me. After the events that transpired the last few weeks, I'm not surprised at all.

Also talked to Aissa today and she seems to agree that I've changed quite a bit recently. I need to get my butt in gear though: get back to working out, regain the reigns of my life, and be myself again - the myself I lost five years ago.

I need to stop depending on people for salvation from lonliness. I need to stop being a spectator. It's my life after all; if I won't live it, who will?

Sunday, September 16, 2001 02:36 a.m.

Went out and gobbled up Initial D audio CDs today. Got so addicted to the music when I was out with Becca's friends. The music is so amped, it really rocks. I particularly like the Vocal Battle CD that contains all these kewl mixes. Put the good ones into one CD and am planning to play them in the car. Nirvana awaits!

Also went with Marla and Brian for badminton today. They think I've changed somehow, but they can't really put a finger on it. Marla introduced me to her friend, Jehan. Strangely, she thinks I act like Eda @.@. Anyways, things went pretty well. I have her telephone number and she wants to see me again next week. She even sent me a text saying good night.

Friday, September 14, 2001 05:09 a.m.

Strange that I should think about this now, but I'm restless and I can't sleep so I figured I might as well blog.

All through High School, I've been labelled an outsider, a geek, a nerd. At the time, I bore the distinction like a badge of honor, belittling the "in-crowd" as a superficial, boorish lot not worth my time and effort getting to know.

Then college came around, and I ended up with a popular GF. This meant working out to look the part, shedding the geekiness, and becoming a party-goer. It was a wild, thrilling ride, but, in the end, I was still an outsider. In my heart, I knew I was still beyond the arc. I would never be one of the beautiful people.

Now, after a painful break-up several years ago, I'm staring back in. I know I'm too old, too ugly, too much of an outsider to ever fit in, but I'm still looking in. I still envy it... all of it: the glitz, the glamour, the ego-boosting highs. It's all there... all beyond my reach.

I'll never get there. I'll never regain my youth; I'll never become good-looking. I'll just continue to be plain and non-descript: one of those people you meet on the street and never think twice about.

I think that this would be a fitting epilogue to my life: "Here lies a plain, unobtrusive person. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary. Please move on..."

Friday, September 14, 2001 03:58 a.m.

Went to an EB at Netvana to play counter-strike with some people from #PO channel. Despite the colorful comments from garrick after a well-placed sniper shot between his eyes, it was a bit lack-luster.

Then, it was off to the infamous Don Henrico's in West Avenue. I was so tired at that point from lack and sleep the night before that I barely managed to maintain consciousness. Besides, it was before midnight; midnight is when I'm really awake. Unfortunately, everyone else is asleep :P.

After some prodding though, I persuaded Benj to down a few drinks at Cable Car at around 1 am. Lots of boisterous conversation, laughing, and some very tasty Italian sausages plus some drinks makes for an entertaining evening. Too bad Benj had to go back to work. x.x

Wednesday, September 12, 2001 01:47 a.m.

Today, a terrible tragedy occured that will probably leave everything in turmoil for some time to come. Four passenger airliners were used as aerial bombs and sent on acts of terrorism. Two struck the World Trade Center Buildings and another one managed to crash into the Pentagon.

It's strange that I've been feeling particularly restless and uncomfortable lately. I think I knew something terrible was about to happen. I'm just thankful that nobody I knew got hurt.

Tuesday, September 11, 2001 12:13 a.m.

Last week was exhausting, stressful, exhilerating, confounding, intoxicating... anything but boring. Spent a lot of time with a great friend who was amazingly honest and genuine. I think she's fine now. Her life is finally getting together. I'm happy for her.

She taught me a lot of things about myself. She taught me I don't have to stay the way I am. She taught me that I can evolve; shed past luggage and move on - redefine who I am.

Right now, I think she needs to be with her other friends: reestablish and redefine relationships of the past. What she needs from me now is space. It's the hardest thing for me to give sometimes. I latch on, living life on a self-inflicted leash. But, that too can change.

All I want to be is there for her when she needs me. I know she has a lot of friends; a lot of people who care for her. I know I'm probably nothing special - just a face in the crowd. But, if I could affect her life even in the smallest way. If I could make it a little easier for her, a little better for her, I think I'd be happy with that. I think just that would be enough.

Sunday, September 2, 2001 04:02 p.m.

An act of spontaneity conjures up a pleasant encounter with someone previously seen only as text on a screen; a voice on the other end of a phone line. Followed by a round of drinks, a leisurely jaunt, a prolonged conversation. Soon, the sun rises, time becomes ethereal.

A rewarding memory built on the spur of the moment - with the promise of more to come. Returning exhausted, but keenly aware that life does have some of its better moments. And that sometimes, it really is worth living.

Thursday, July 19, 2001 01:46 a.m.

No matter how long I subsist in this world, I tend to make the same mistakes over and over. I find myself locked in the same cycle, riding out the same roller coaster ride. No matter how dynamic or adaptable I pretend to be, I seem to be trapped in the same series of events that reverberate unceasingly.

Perhaps it's an artifact of instinct or some in-bred genetic construct that drives me into brick walls. Perhaps it's a self-destructive impulse that propels me to my own demise.

The end is always the same. As the curtain drops, I always find myself alone. No applause, no cheers, no encore - just the same eerie silence and a hollow space: open, gaping.

Friday, June 29, 2001 05:25 a.m.

Earlier this month, I resolved to eradicate every vestige of personal information from this page. It would be easier; more convenient to merely retain the shallow anecdotes and detached editorials rather than expose the inner workings of my soul to the friends, acquaintances, and possibly perfect strangers. After all, I do consider myself to be a very private person.

Yet, in doing so, this site has somehow accumulated a frigidness, a clinical aura devoid of the warmth that other pitas sites offer in abundance. It's upsetting that, upon reviewing the site, it appears to be very generic, harboring those ubiquitous facets that most casual information pages provide. It's no longer personal. It's no longer about me.

Perhaps it's time for a change. Perhaps the moment has come when I should unveil myself to the world. Maybe it's time to relinquish control and allow my emotions to run rampant, entwining my thoughts, dreams, and aspirations into these lines of html. But, then again, maybe not...

Thursday, April 26, 2001 09:46 a.m.

It seems that the political situation has heated up locally, creating unrest once again. Yesterday, Pro-Erap activists flocked around the dethroned Joseph Estrada as a warrant was issued for his arrest. They followed him to Camp Crame where he was held for charges of plunder on a massive scale. After being dispersed, they returned to the Edsa Shrine and attempted to stage "People Power 3" or "Poor People Power."

It is interesting to note how this issue has the entire nation divided. Speaking with several individuals concerning this issue, you can see people taking sides regardless of social class or political background. Despite what the Pro-Erap Activists claim, this does not appear to be an issue that divides the rich and the poor. It is an issue that delineates people based on their sensitivities. It is also an issue that expresses the general frustration that the populace holds for a government that appears to be floundering and in the midst of moral impoverishment.

In a country that appears to sway with the tide, placing people into power one moment then toppling them the next, it seems that there is a desperate need for stability and solidarity. Instead, it appears as if we're poised on the brink of social chaos and civil disorder with no end in sight.

Tuesday, April 24, 2001 07:03 a.m.

I found a particularly unsettling article on the Denver Post today. First of all, I would like to state that the Columbine murders were indeed a tragedy, and that this post was never intended to trivialize the plight of the families of the victims.

That being said, I must express my outrage at the legal action that one of the families conjured up against the 25 gaming companies. This is reminiscent of the hysteria that the zealots of the 700 Club inflicted on RPG gamers decades ago when they announced Dungeons and Dragons as being satanic.

It seems to me that there is an attitude that individuals are no longer capable of making their own decisions in life; that they're merely puppets that are utterly and irrevocably molded by environmental influences.

Individuals are no longer given the responsibility of their actions, and, instead, we bemoan our society's ills, dismissing the individual act as being merely a byproduct of the influences that the various forms of media inflict on us. Suddenly, we find ourselves mere spectators, unable to think or act for ourselves unless enticed by the forms of entertainment we consume in large doses.

Tuesday, April 17, 2001 04:27 a.m.

Strange that in times of epiphany, in those idle moments where inspiration hits you, where it seems that the revelation that has eluded you throughout your life is finally within your grasp, you fall asleep. Thus, it makes imparting the infinite knowledge and incredible insight nearly impossible. That's the futility of it all: just when you know what to do, you fall asleep and forget all about it.

I was told today that your cyberspace persona reflects, in good part, who you are in real life. But, in truth, I think it delves far deeper. I think it treads into the inner-most workings of a person's soul: their desires, dreams, aspirations. It's a solvent: a fascade that dissolves the usual walls and barriers we errect to protect ourselves and our feelings.

It's all just a fantasy, but, in this alternate reality, we explore our hidden thoughts and desires - things we can't readily admit to ourselves or anyone else. Maybe our cyberspace selves are the real us and our physical selves are the marionettes that peform before the stage of society. Maybe if we strip away the layers that shroud our personality, we'll find something similar to the persona we create in cyberspace.