FATE lalala daremo tomerarenai
watashiga erabu tozasaretanakade kieteshimauhougaii
FATE imawa lalala kurutteitai
FATE lalala kamimo tomerarenai
anataga ataetekureta isshouwo barabarani kowashitai
watashiga noboritsumeru tamashiiga anatawo kawashitsuzukeru
FATE lalala kamimo tomerarenai
FATE imawa, lalala hitorideitai
FATE lalala kamini tadoritsuku
This die was fate This die was fate
LUNA SEA Enterprise
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Friday, April 4, 2003 at 07:58 p.m..
life
get one
need one
have one
want one
simplicity
the spice of it
complexity
upheaval under vice
get one
need one
have one
want one
hedonistic
we have to be
mizerly
it is all relative
get one
need one
have one
want one
protective
of what little we have
hoarding
even the things we don't
get one
need one
have one
want one
desiring
so little and so much
neglecting
those that mean the most
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Wednesday, April 2, 2003 at 07:13 p.m..
O Canada
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
Ô Canada!
Terre de nos aïeux.
Ton front est ceint,
De fleurons glorieux.
Car ton bras
Sait porter l'épée,
Il sait porter la croix.
Ton histoire est une épopée,
des plus brillants exploits.
Et ta valeur,
de foi trempée,
protègera nos foyers et nos droits (bis).
(2e couplet, peu utilise)
Sous l'oeil de Dieu
Près du fleuve géant
Le canadien
Grandit en espérant
Il est neé d'une race fière
Béni fut son berceau
Le ciel a marqué sa carrière
dans ce monde nouveau.
Toujours guidé
par sa lumière
Il gardera l'honneur de son drapeau (bis).
(Il y a aussi un troisième couplet, mais je ne m'en souviens plus)
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Sunday, March 23, 2003 at 10:55 a.m..
...it starts.
Yes, they want me out. O.U.T. So you see my blank face and calm demenor are because I am annoyed at it all. I can not say it comes as a surprise, I've been waiting for it. Perhaps this will be for the best, we can apply properly for Koi's citizenship in Canada. Without me here Koi can move out with a room-mate. Having me around would make finding a room-mate harder and I fear the deportation police.
I'll go back to Canada, first thing to do is get my driving permit and a job. Send in the sponsership forms for Koi as my conjugal partner. We've been together for three years... so we meet the criteria. Then Koi and I will line up his job prospects, get an apartment... this is going to work this time.
Three years of maintaining perminant residency for Koi in Canada and then we can apply for citizenship. That intales a $200.00 fee and a written test, then an oath. Good to get the ducks in a row, na?
Hn.
CIC
FORMS
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Sunday, March 23, 2003 at 10:08 a.m..
Blargh
Well, for those of you who may have been wondering, I'm alive. I woke up feeling very ill yesterday because we'd had several rather hot sunny days in a row and I didn't drink enough water. My back hurt, my eyes burned, I was dizzy and nauteous. Really sucky.
Led to a fight with Yotan.
Then my hampster had a pussy eye. I cleaned it out on recommendation of pet shop, then took him to a vet. ^^; Vet said he couldn't tell cuz I'd cleaned it... damn. But said that if it was back today I could bring him back without a repeat of the $35.00 visit fee to have it looked at.
*goes and harasses Sanzo til he opens his eyes* O-o Well... he doesn't look like Farf. *coughs* >_>; Did you know they may be soone recommending spaying and neutering small animals? Female rabbits rarely live past five, because they get ovarian cancer. Yes.
I go now.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Saturday, March 15, 2003 at 11:29 a.m..
nyah
~_~ stupid mail servers I've been trying to email koi over and over today and... it never goes through! ;_; D-chan's emails go through, why don't mine?
Perhaps because koi and I send each other too much email and... and the company BLOCKED me! O_O; Maybe.
Mou... hidoi...
*rants about Miki like a fanboy*
*Eve and imouto both log off*
...I'm going to pretend those are not cause and effect.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Wednesday, March 12, 2003 at 09:20 p.m..
Blood.
You know...
Recently I was trying to think of what would TRUELY disturb me. What ONE situation would bother me. This stems from all sorts of weird conversations I've had lately.
Doll asking which I would sooner have... to be bent over and violated repeatedly. Painfully. By like... ten guys and left to deal with it. Or Being beaten sensless and dropped in some godforsaken place... presumably to die.
I don't know about that. I mean... I think I don't want to die. If I'm told I'm guarenteed to live after the rapes... then... it may be worth it. Mind you if I'm going to be mutilated, raped and disfigured... crippled. With Key elements of my physical nature sliced off... then hell yeah BEAT ME! Leave me to die in the sand.
'Cuz I wanna be able to walk. I want to be able to sit down on a hillside and sip tea while I listen to the wind. I don't want to be trapped indefinately in a hospital bed to dwell bitterly on what occured. So long as I can get out and feel ALIVE, I think I could deal with the gang-rape. So long as there is no permenant momento of it save for nightmares and the renewed inability to be close to people. I could deal.
Another interesting conversation went with Yotan... "If we got nuked, and neither of us died in the immediate bombing, but we were both clearly painfully finding our deaths with no hope of living... would you kill me, Kenken?"
Yes. I would... I'd hate myself for it. But if Youji was laying there all charred and poisoned; me able to physically end the suffering... I would. I'd strangle my lover and sit there quietly with his head in my lap. Trying to find some beauty in the world around me. Yes... I would try to find beauty in all of that suffering and hellishness.
Even if all I did was look at a damn cockroach and say,
"See, even I am not that good of a person. I have made snide comments about peoples' appearences. I can be so shallow. Being told someone is ugly, glancing to see but missing them as they pass a mirror. Then when questioned about it I said..."
"I saw, I was merely looking at her face in the mirror as as one has to with Medusa."
"I hate myself when I do that... it takes a certain mood for me to be that way. I don't like to be that way, yet I do. Just as I hate the loss of life which violence begets, and yet... I love the sight of bodies. Of blood. Love watching the violence itself. Love the visual but hate the sound. But want the sound at the same time. Humans are so strange."
"Its all about balance, isn't it Mr. Samsa? If people could learn to respect everything and everyone. Learn to realize that we're all equally good and evil then no one will win out. I think when someone tries to be purely good and suppress the dark aspects... they just come back harder. Probably it works the reverse aswell. A religious fanatic trying so hard to do good, so caught up in saving themselves in gods' eyes that they are insensitive to the world around them. Someone so hell-bent on spitting in gods face... just suddenly doing some unthinkably kind act without consideration. It all balences out in the end..."
"Humans trying so hard to control the world... that they lose control of themselves. This is humanity."
Back on topic... seems rather insignifican now, what would really send my mind reeling. To come to my senses standing in a room, a white room, not knowing how I got there but there is so much blood. Blood everywhere. Bodies laying onthe ground. Being confused and shocked, seeing my bloodied hands, seeing the knife in my grasp before I drop it so it may clatter to the tiled floor which has been darkened by so much blood. Not knowing... if I really did it or not.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Thursday, February 20, 2003 at 09:10 p.m..
Measuring up...
Ever try to compete with someone who isn't there? All my competition is imagined, I realize this. Isn't that pathetic? I'm competing with things that are no threat. Sensei, isn't after Koi. The others aren't after Koi. I know this. I know.
Its strange to have such mixed feelings about people. People who aren't real. Not really real... I can deny them. They are fiction. Yes. Fiction. I keep telling myself these made-up people aren't a threat. Because they're not, my BRAIN tells me so. Its just my damn emotions, my hormones that get riled up. I get so jealous.
I get jealous of coyote earrings, of stars, of squirrels. I get jealous of squirrels. Jesus. I'm pathetic. *laughs* Its not like I go running through
Miss the little toy ~.~ bike, miss the cassette of songs, miss the colour purple. Because if Koi could let go of the people loved before me... then what hope do I have? Right?
If you can forget the people who were your world. If you can forget Sanrio Kung-Fu, I was curious, and doing what you want when you want even though they love you... then why wouldn't you happily forget...
Clumby, loud when quiet is needed, silent when words are needed. Insensitive, annoying, stubborn. Naive. Angry. Sullen. Brooding. Pouting. The ignorant and the tactless.
Why wouldnt you happily forget pain, struggle and disappointment, if you could forget the graceful, cultured and poised. Forget the one that imbodied those to you. If you could forget adventure, magnatism and charisma. If you could forget mischiviousness, individualism and non-conformity.
I don't know if I could stand to think of letting those sorts of things go. I never had those things, I wish to all sanity that I possessed them. Its like knowing those things that were charished makes me want all the more to be those sorts of things. I want to... be all these people, if I could... I...
But perhaps this is where I fit in. Perhaps if I were any of those things it would work against me. A remind of things past, I would never earn the places already possessed by another. Even if most of what I own seems negative... I think I own... something. I think I belong... I have no idea how I fit into this company. I only know the longing in Koi's voice as these topics are touched. The reverence in that dear voice. The look in those deep eyes... and yes, jealousy squims in my stomach, but tears prick my eyes... because Koi feels things so deeply. Its in the eyes. I see it. Its in the voice. I hear it. It tears me to pieces and builds me up... because I invoke feeling too. Not always the feelings i want to invoke. Seems very often I make mistakes... but I'm worth enough to Koi that we work past it. We keep going... I wonder...
If when Koi talks about me to another. Is there that tone to the voice? Is there that shine in the eye. Is there that feeling minus the loneliness... I'll probably never know. Yet, I tell myself... I hope that there is. I hope its as clear to anyone Koibito talks to... that we have love, as it is to me when the past is talked about. That there is love.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Thursday, February 20, 2003 at 03:07 p.m..
Printable version
suna no machi aruiteta
kareta sora kimi o sagashite
nani hitotsu kaori sae
nokosazu ni satta ne
searching for you in a withered sky;
when I left, the only thing not left behind
was a single scent.
tenshi no hane sono kizu ato
boku ga mitsuketa kara
the scar of an angel's feather on your pale back,
I've searched ever since then...
ima boku ga mierukai
kikoeru darou boku no koe ga
gin no tsubasa de tondeoide
can you see me now?
Can you hear me, I wonder? My voice
flies away on silver wings.
kimi to ita ano toki no mama
sakende mo kotaenai
just like the time when I was with you.
Even though I cry out, there is no reply
from the blue bottom of the sky.
kimi wa tenshi no kuni soko sae owareta kara
boku no ude ni nemutta no ka
kizutsuita hitomi de
can you rest in my arms?
(last line, 'with wounded eyes,' borrowed to next stanza)
koboritsuiteyuku dake
boku no koe ga kikoeta nara
hoshi no kakera furasete
(my wounded eyes) only keep overflowing (with tears).
If you can hear my voice,
make a star-shower fall like rain.
kono sora kara oiteoide
ima boku ga mierukai
kikoeru darou boku no koe ga
gin no tsubasa de tondeoide
can you see me now?
Can you hear me, I wonder? My voice
flies away on silver wings.
I just realized... Hey Doll~! This songs for Yo~u~!
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Wednesday, February 19, 2003 at 05:28 p.m..
the skies are cloudy grey.
I won't deny there's sorrow
for someone every day."
"I cannot promise paradise
I cannot lie that way
These things are not all in my control
cannot keep the world at bay."
"But I can promise something, if I may be so bold,
that one day, off in paradise, long after we've grown old...
You'll be standing in the fleeting seasons
You'll be standing in the snow...
and the aging man beside you will be someone that you know."
"And he cannot see tomorrow
For the skies are cloudy grey.
He won't say there's been no sorrow,
for someone dies most everyday."
"But for now they're in their paradise.
Even for just one day.
Not everything is in control
it just doesn't work that way."
"But I can promise something, if I may be so bold,
that tonight, here in paradise, tonight my heart is sold...
Here standing in the fleeting seasons
Here standing in the snow...
I'm trying hard to show you something...
something you ought to know."
"That I cannot see tomorrow
The skies are cloudy grey.
I can't deny you sorrow
Its not my card to play."
"I can promise you my love,
I can promise you my voice,
I can promise you my heart,
on this I've made my choice."
"Forget I am my Father's son,
forget his sinful past.
Remember only who we are,
and we can make this last."
"'Though I cannot see tomorrow
For the skies are cloudy grey.
I can't promise you 'no sorrow'
But... I can promise you today."
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Saturday, February 15, 2003 at 09:08 p.m..
Death of a Murderer
It's a strange feeling, waking up in an unfamiliar bed, one Youji must be used to but Ken is not.
Dark brown eyes fluttering open, his bangs are in his eyes as always. The room is filled with that buttery surreal light of morning. Warm, it's all so comforting… like he finally belongs somewhere.
"Ken? Wake up… your breakfast will get cold if you don't."
Sitting up, turning towards the door but just seeing the retreating shadow which must belong to the same woman who's voice that was. A tugging at his heart, a dull ache, he knows her but can't place a name. Despite this a smile lights on his face, "Coming! Let me just pull something on." Voices are indistinct, even his own.
Everything tastes of familiarity, like this is a routine he's done for years and years… its like something out of those old American sitcoms from the 50s or so. Walking into a kitchen still bathed in that golden light. The woman's back to him, indistinct as she goes about the motions of fixing a meal. Ken's eyes traveling the room, white curtains and comforting light, he can hear children playing outside, perhaps they're walking to school. There's someone else in the room, a young man with his back is also to Ken, the soccer play approaching from behind, smiling with a joke or something almost starting on his lips as he reaches out to tangle his fingers affectionately into the curling mop of black hair.
Something changes as Ken's fingers lace into the man's hair, a deafening sound and his eyes snap once more to the window. Birds, the roaring sound of birds. Hundreds and hundreds of birds it seems, taking off to flight. White wings beating. Just countless white wings casting shadows over Ken's face, blotting out the warm sunlight as they leave him behind in a room suddenly chilled, blue… lacking the warmth of the sun even as Ken looks towards his hand and pulls it away from the young man. The young man's patch of hair pulling away from the dry paper like scalp, sticking to Ken's fingers with cold blood.
The smell of death hits him, old death, rot. Seeing now the dried blood splatters on the young man's white jacket, horrified as he stumbles back a step with a scream strangling off in his throat. Watching Kase turn to face him, those pale hazel eyes clouded over, cataracts rotting away it seems, his lips shrunken back baring bloodied gums that frame his teeth. Opening and closing his mouth as though readying to speak but Ken beats him to it, His voice lifting with each word, "No! You're dead! I KILLED YOU! YOU'RE DEAD!"
There's a sound like dry leaves, Kase's laughter, blood oozing between those strained teeth as he wheezes out his words, "…so…are…you…," Kase attempting laughter again, it's difficult with that black gaping hole in his chest, a broken claw of Ken's bugnaks still imbedded in flesh now writhing with white maggots.
Gagging, stumbling back and hitting something causing the rattling of plates, Ken spins on his heel in reaction to the sound. His expression utterly horrified as he looks into the decaying face of the woman who raised him. The woman he killed.
Its been so long, the flesh seems to be hanging off her face; her eyes not recognizable in the least, Ken can see them bulge and shift in their sockets, the left one oozing a trail of dark liquid other than blood.
"Ken…," The tray between her and Ken lowering in her hands, holding it against the black cloth covering her stomach. Dressed in her nun's frock and all. The white of her head piece splattered in dried blood as was Kase's jacket. Thick old blood oozes down from the gaping rip up her abdominal area, trailing onto the breakfast tray to stain the napkin and rest like some sick ocean around Ken's food, "…you need to eat…. The others will be here soon…,"
Wide eyes, he can't look at her face, staring instead at the crucifix on her rosary where it rests just above the gaping hole, listening to the whistling of her tattered lungs as she speaks, "…o-others?" He's shaking like a child, his hands feel numb, frightened eyes lifting as if by will other than his own to look at that rotting face in the cold light. Lost in all this, helpless.
"…yes… we've been waiting for you Ken…," Her swollen rotting tongue stumbling over the words, "…some here… before even me… my dear child…," pale amber liquid slipping over the side of her mouth, stretching out and dangling as a lone maggot wriggles in the hanging slime before falling to hit the breakfast tray with a soft noise, "…waiting for you…,"
Owari
I wrote that for the VOID MSG Board rp, god, what was it... years ago now? Too bad I never got to kill Ken, it would have been nice to share it with people... so I share it with YOU all! Here on this rainy rainy day! ^___^
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 08:46 p.m..
...ughn...
Okay... things are all bleh. Its raining... raining... raining... it would be nice if I were just out walkign around and like "wheeee rain" but stayng inside, getting drenched and cold when ya have to walk out through the rain to go to the mens' room. Not fun. Wet shoes... not fun. Nope... and I think it is not so happy for Yotan either...
It feels so heavy and sad, rain rain rain...
Wrote a cute thing for Yotan though...
YOTAN
"Yo" is for "night" and what he calls out to start it...
"Ta" is for "tabako" glowing ember after its lit...
"N" is for that sound you make, and he won't let you quit.
Love you, Yotan.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Wednesday, February 12, 2003 at 07:55 p.m..
ARIGATO
^___^ Arigato Nin!
Nin emailed me and helped me tweak the DIV and explained what I was doing wrong. @_@ And YES it was something so utterly obvious that other people would laugh their asses off at me for being too "der der der" to notice!
RAWR!
Oh well. ^___^ I'm happy now. My Blog looks attractive.
W00T!
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Sunday, February 9, 2003 at 09:31 p.m..
geh
testing... to see if this thing is working or not. Apparently it is not.
You'll never catch me!
Playing tag on Friday, February 7, 2003 at 09:30 p.m..
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