Sunday, June 23, 2002, 10:24 p.m.

Another Sunday night

Well i finally made it back to my apt. Funny i was about to call it 'home' and i realized that being back in Detroit, everything seemed a little strange and distant. Some things were familiar, some were not, but i didn't feel like i grew up there.
Weekend with my parents was thankfully uneventful, and my dad still wasn't really being a conversationalist, which was fine since i didn't have much to say. Everyone was pretty civil which was all i could really ask for, so i tried to do the same. We went to this korean restaurant to eat on Sat night and of course all my parents friends were there and wanted to know what i was doing with my life. Actually i think they already knew what was up with my situation and just wanted to see how i'd respond under pressure. I was politely vague and they dropped it pretty quickly. The one highlight of that night was the korean joint was serving a LOT of stuff complementary on the house cause the team was doing so well in the World Cup (Go Go Korea!) and the last game against Spain was rerunning on the tv as we ate. Yup, free food and free beer, i think that was the highlight of my whole weekend. That and coming across a stash of HK DVDs that my sister left in my room and i 'borrowed'. She's in Boston right now, so i called her to let her know and she told me they didn't belong to her, but to one of her friends. Of course she hadn't talked to this guy in over 6 months but he never really reminded her either. I told her i'd borrow them, watch them quickly, make a copy and send them back to her, making it her responsibility again.

Storm Riders isn't too bad a movie, altho Aaron Kwok and Ekin Cheng are still just a couple of pretty boys in my opinion, but hey, they looked good on screen.

[]

Friday, June 21, 2002, 09:56 p.m.

baby phat

I met someone at work today, she was wearing this tank-top thingy that had a picture of a kitty and the words 'baby phat' on top. I don't know why, but for some reason i found the thing so damn cute. I'm not usually into the babydoll- ghett0-bomb-diggity chick wear look (well ok some of it looks pretty fine) but this in particular got my attention and i had to make a comment about it. Don't think its some damn pedo fetish either(at least i hope it isn't), but i would be amused if the right girl was wearing something like that.

[]

Thursday, June 20, 2002, 09:33 p.m.

Welcome back home...

I'm feeling aggravated for a couple reasons tonight. One, i just found out that i'll have to do a bit more work for a stupid required presentation that i have to give next week. Turns out i have to get a faculty mentor and work out a complete outline for my talk, and even think to 'quiz' questions to see if the audience has been paying attention or not. 3 days from finishing my residency, i am finding it very hard to give a shit about this...
The other thing is that i'm finally going home to visit my parents after a 5 month absence from home. I could have come home sooner, but the issues i have with them...for a while i thought they were improving and out relationship was getting better, but they took a nosedive around january when i find out my parents now consider me the big failure of the family. True, i did not get accepted into any of the programs i was applying for this past year and i might have underestimated the level of competition involved. True, this is my second year in a row of applying without success. I don't know if anyone took that harder than i did, and for a while i panicked, not sure what i was going to do with myself, not having a job, or a set future plan lined up. But flash forward to now, i'm starting a new temporary job in a little more than a week, i've already formed a new long term game plan, thinking about going into the clinical allergy racket (oh and what a racket it is). I know it won't be easy and i'm going to put the effort into making this work. Yet all my parents do is piss and rain on my parade, or at least my efforts to get on with my life and not be a bum. My dad has not spoken to me in the last 4 months despite my attempts, and after a while, i got disgusted and gave up. I called him on Father's Day which was the first time i said hi to him, but even then i could tell he wasn't feeling too chatty.
I don't really want to go visit the homestead, cause i know it will involve about 48 hours of nonstop crap, nagging and questioning about what i'm going to do with my life. In fact, i want to discuss as little as possible about my new job, because they will be only fixated on the money i make, whether there is any prestige or not, and other silly things. My mom keeps asking me if being an allergist is a 'respectible' profession and if they make a decent living at all. I refuse to tell her that they are some of the more higher paid specialists in internal med, because after all, does the amount of money i make determine the worth of what i do? Obviously she and millions of other asian parents think so. On the other hand if i told my parents the truth, then i get the other reaction that i am shallow and greedy for money and i don't want to go into something more 'traditional' or something they are familiar with. Having dealt with my parents for over 20 something years, i know there is no point trying to 'win' an arguement with them, and god help me, i think i am going to fight the urge to just get up and leave and drive back to Indy if they give me a hard enough time. I know it sounds like running away from the problem, and maybe it is. I just think its pointless trying to give them false reassurances and expectations when things haven't happened yet and maybe its best to keep them partly in the dark about things until i actually accomplish my goals and say 'see what i've done? i didn't end up a bum in the gutter like you thought i would'. While they are my parents and i love them very much, i don't think i can let them get too involved in my life at this point. I'm sorry they feel the way that they do, but i have to get on with my life and not let their attitudes bring me down. *ugh*

[]

Wednesday, June 19, 2002, 09:38 p.m.

How vain are we?

While i was working out at the gym, i started wondering if guys would not only look at the women there, but check out other guys. Not so much in a sexual manner, but more to compare. I know i do and its not that i am so self-concious that i feel embarassed to be working out in the same space as some of the more built guys, but it almost gives me a little inspiration and a little motivation to do more, hits that competitive nerve i guess. I started also thinking that beyond a certain point, all the exercise and weight-lifting, etc exceeds its benefit of keeping you healthy and unless you are some professional athelete who actually needs all the muscles and tone, it becomes eye-candy, but more importanly, you become the eye-candy. I really think that almost all guys who work out just to bulk up do it out of pure vanity. I mean, how many of us are doing pure physical labor to get by with our day to day lives *looks and sees nobody raising their hands*. I started hitting the gym a couple weeks ago simply cause i felt out-of-shape, like a sloth, and i had accumulated stuff where i didn't want it to be. Not that i'm saying this is a bad thing, vanity can keep ppl looking attractive and it also shows that someone put in a lot of hard work and effort to get something he/she wanted. Maybe thats why i like to work out among a crowd, all the motivation in the air. I can work out for free in the apt gym complex, but i really think i'm going to start paying $$ for a regular membership at Bally's or somewhere similar. I dunno, maybe everything i said was complete bullshit and i just want to start at women's asses in spandex (hey i think thats half the reason they are there too).

[]

Tuesday, June 18, 2002, 10:06 p.m.

Where or where is it?

I tried to spend some quality time studying in my apt and first i get interrupted with a phone call and now i try to get back in the groove and can't find an enya CD i wanted to study to. Grrrrrr, where the hell is it?!

[]

Monday, June 17, 2002, 09:01 p.m.

Flesh Gordon 2

While doing some last minute shopping for a belated father's day gift, i hopped into the Suncoast video store to check out any cool DVDs on sale. I walked by this married couple that were flipping thru the B movie rack and the guy goes 'oh wow! this is Flesh Gordon 2!! i love this movie!' The wife-type person goes 'whats that?' and he starts telling her its some cheesy soft-core porn film that he saw before, and she starts laughing and makes fun of his taste in movies. While i didn't pay much attn to the convo beyond that, it made me think about how i've never been comfortable telling girls i was close to about the porn i've watched or other things that guys typically do. I guess its silly to be afraid that i'm going to be judged or even rejected for things like that, but i'm not sure. People always make a first impression of me and assume certain things, but there are a few who have called me 'a naughty naughty bad boy'. I supposed thats kind of flattering in a way. At least nobody is calling me a evil bastard....scratch that, someone has called me that before, but that person had major issues as well. I guess i want a gf who loves me for the porn-watching fiend that i am :p

[]

Sunday, June 16, 2002, 07:33 p.m.

Home sweet home

I finally moved everything into my new apt. So far everything is great, its bigger, in a much nicer part of town and the view outside is quite lovely too. Plus the best part is i'm finally getting DSL after years of trickling files at a piddly 26.4K on a dialup modem. I don't have too much to say today except i finally have a place that i'm not ashamed to have company see. Oh and i took a few photos as well: the living room, my entertainment center of slothful fun, my computer in my bedroom, view outside my other bedroom, the kitchen, a better shot of the lake in my backyard.

I really want to do a better job of taking care of this place, since i didn't do so with my last. I'm kind of a slob at heart and as much as i hate to say it, sometimes i do need my mom around to clean up after me, since i sure as hell don't do a very good job of it myself. Again i weep for whoever i marry cause if shes a neat freak, she'll kill me. New beginnings and new starts. We'll see what happens.

[]

Saturday, June 15, 2002, 08:01 p.m.

Housekeeping time...

As i come to the midpoint of june, this is becoming a big point of transition in my life. I'm 2 weeks away from finishing my residency training (what some ppl fondly call 'the time of slavery') and ready to start a new and moderately decent paying job. I'm almost finished with moving into a new apt which makes my old one look like a pit (yes the new one is nicer and larger). Packing up the random possessions that i have gathered, mostly stuff from the last 7 years of my life, made me think and reflect on my life and the past.

I came across my med school yearbook and started flipping thru the pages, barely remembering some of the faces, remembering others fondly. I miss some of the friends i've made there, i should look them up. Another thing that happened was my cel phone going kaput, so i was forced to get a new one, and what is the one fun thing we all do when we replace the old ringer? Yes boys and girls, reprogramming all the numbers. I had about 100 and given how much of a pain in the ass it is to manually key in everything, i started looking for numbers to delete, and once again, i started thinking back to various people i've met, in person, online, thru work, and school. I looked at certain numbers of people that i used to speak to at great length, laugh, share, argue with. I felt sad realizing that some of those ppl i had not spoken to in almost 2 years. Even when i scroll for my most frequently used numbers, i come across those few that i don't keep in touch with and sometimes feel regret and curiousity. What is he/she doing now? What is going on with his/her life? Have things changed dramatically, or stay the same? What would i say about myself and what i've been through?

I think that the last 3 years of my life has been memorable, some parts of me forever changed, for better and for worse. I think of all the people whose lives i touched, and vice versa. At the end of it all, i think all the experiences i had are valuable, and i'm glad i was part of someones life for a brief moment, and those i consider my closest friends now, i may not speak to in 10 years, but it won't change whats going on now. Funny for me to say cherish the moments, but i guess thats what i'm saying. God help me i am writing sentimental introspective shit. :p

[]