Friday, July 19, 2002, 02:22 a.m.

The land of beautiful people

I thought about this the other day and have in fact mentioned this to some of my friends, but once i moved to my new apt, i loved my new settings. Its more upscale here, the surroundings are prettier, nicer cars in the lot, more safe at night. I also noticed that the ppl who live in my complex, and i mean the *whole* complex all happen to be very good looking on average. No one appears to be any older than 40 or younger than 18 (for my own legal protection) in this complex and i found it bizarre since my old place had ppl ranging from the cradle to the grave. A self-contained yuppieville. I started wondering if i should feel bad for thinking this, like, is it wrong to have neighbors (and i mean both men and women) who aren't hard on the eyes? Should i be ashamed of that fact, and would i hate living there if say, everyone looked hideous? Its a weird sort of vanity because i don't really include myself with them, so i'm not thinking about my own appearance, but it is accessorizing in a way, and thus does reflect upon my own appearance and presentation if i choose to let it. Very weird things that go on in my head sometimes...

I also finished watching this new korean movie called Yupki Girl or 'My Sassy Girl' in engrish. Lot of my asian cinema friends raved about it, so i picked up the DVD on a whim, and it is definitely one of my favorite romantic comedies out there. I'm kind of glad i watched it alone tho because the right movie will strike the right chord in me, and i will get emotional as hell. Made me feel almost sad since i am single right now, but i quickly pulled myself after it was over and reminded myself...'it was only a movie...it was only a movie...tell your heart to stop beating so hard...ok maybe not 'stop'...'

[]

Thursday, July 18, 2002, 05:25 p.m.

Nu shooz

I think Nu Shooz was the name of some 80s pop artist, i can't remember.

Today i felt a whole lot better and even recovered from the sleep-deprived mental insanity and rage that i was experiencing all day yesterday. Plus i went to bed early (10 pm) and slept like a rock for the next 13 hours. I think having a belly full of korean BBQ meat helped lull me into la-la land (not Los Angeles btw) that much sooner. Today actually felt like the first normal daytime day in a long time, its a pity tho that i'll have to start working nights again in 3 days.

Right before dinner i managed to fit a new set of shoes on the Impreza yesterday today. My friends who were with me loved the look and all said it looks better in person than it does in pictures. I dunno, i fell in love with the look from the very start.

I have another BBQ to attend today, free meat is good, especially if you actually eat meat.

[]

Wednesday, July 17, 2002, 04:39 a.m.

I am irritated...

I know as soon as i write this, some people will think i am crazy, selfish, immature, and over-sensitive, and i am probably a little bit of all of the above (some components more than others). It's just that i had another one of those nights where i had trouble sleeping, and wanted to reach out to some ppl i knew were awake this late at night, and no one is in the mood to chat. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and that other ppl have things to do, ppl to talk to, and be concerned about other matters, but sometimes i get in these moods where i don't seem to get any positive feedback from anyone and i just want to say 'screw you all, i wonder why i ever wasted my time getting to know you in the first place'. Of course, actually lashing out like that to someone makes you 1) lose friends really fast and 2) look completely insane. Yet sometimes its the lonely little id monster inside that sometimes manifests itself in a sarcastic tone, annoying passive aggressiveness, anything my resentful subconcious can do to get back at unsuspecting people.

In fact i just deleted someone else off my IM buddy list who i have been developing a steadily growing love/hate relationship with, leaning more on the hate side. I usually don't like to name names on sensitive subjects like this but those who know me can probably figure out who i mean when i say its the person 'that i liked a lot, screwed me over big time, and then recently reconciled with me'. It feels like more and more that when i talked to her that i am just going thru the motions, not really enjoying it, and when i do want to actually say something meaningful, shes off in her own little world, not really paying attn, totally full of herself and her own problems, living like a little drama queen with her persecution complex...

Now i'll stop there before i really say things that i'll regret, but that said i know that i am far from perfect, i've abused other people's friendships to a degree, i've ran away from some situations that i didn't want to deal with, and i too have hurt someone who was once very close to me for something almost unforgivably irreparable. Those who believe in karmic balance can say that i'm just getting my just desserts and that may be true. Maybe i blow things out of proportion in my mind. Maybe its the lack of sleep thats talking right now. I gotta think positive. New toys will be coming in tommorow and i do feel like a little boy at x-mas time. *tee hee* ok i think i'll stop right here.

[]

Sunday, July 14, 2002, 07:22 p.m.

A diet for the mind...

Last night at work wasn't too bad. The next new person to join our little night owl crew started last night and the more experienced guy took him around while i had time to myself to read, stamp out little fires, and answer about a half million phone calls from patients asking well....questions that could have waited til morning, but thats ok. After work i got home but first stopped at McDs and indulged myself in one of those Steak & Egg Bagel brkfst sandwiches. I don't know why but i love those things and just once i thought i'd indulge since i haven't touched anything from McD's for a month or so.

I had rented a copy of 'A Beautiful Mind' from the video store last night but didn't get around to watching it until this morning when i got home. After an hour i passed out and crashed and once i woke up, finished the rest of the movie. I thought it was really great even though some of the big budget cheesy hollywood affectations peak thru from time to time. It made me think about what it would be to live a life trailed by delusion, paranoia, constant temptation that would lead into a downward spiral (no i'm not getting at anything religious here, just shoot me if i ever do). Towards the end of the movie Russell Crowe's character said that to keep the delusions under control that he lives a life where he has a 'diet for the mind' trying not to indulge in feeding things like imagination, dreaming, and passion for pattern recognition. I can't even imagine how tough it would be to have a natural passion, talent, love for something and to embrace it would be to destroy you. It could be a cruel way to live.

On a slightly different note, just shoot me if you ever catch me watching 'The Country Bears'....

[]

Thursday, July 11, 2002, 07:31 p.m.

I am not Michelle Kwan's brother!

I ordered something over the phone today and got an e-mail UPS confirmation for an Ed 'K-W-A-N'. I think i've lived with this annoyance for most of my life as far as i can remember. It's gotten to the point that i almost never say my last name anyone for filling out something official, just say 'and my last name is K-W-O-N'.
[whoever] So this order is going to Ed K-W-A-N
[me] . . .
I really don't know what people's major malfunctions are. *sigh*

[]

Wednesday, July 10, 2002, 06:02 p.m.

'So how do you like working here?'

Yesterday was one of my first really rough nights at work. I had cross-cover duty which i meant i was taking calls from all the nurses for about 140 or pts already admitted in the hospital. Most of them are stupid calls saying 'so and so needs tylenol, we just need your verbal order' and i can usually handle that stuff without getting up from my chair. But i also covered all the ICU beds as well and starting about 11 pm, i was kept up nonstop by one emergency after another. The one that almost killed me was some poor old guy who smoked like a chimney and had a heart attack, and then turned out he needed bypass surgery, so he was hanging out in the ICU waiting with a heart that was basically a ticking time bomb. I pretty much struggled with trying to keep him alive, where fixing one problem would make another one worse. Finally after putting it off all night i finally had to intubate the guy and hook him up to the ventilator. Of course he had to wake up out of his sedation, spit out his tube, vomit, aspirate into his lungs and scream like a madman, then we had to do it all over again in the span on 30 min. So after intubation #2 he was even in more of a mess than before, with a lousy blood pressure and on sedation that wasn't helping it at all. Plus the nurse i worked with had some personality problems and i could tell it wasn't just me, as she got on the nerves of a lotta other ppl in the ICU, but she was good and knew what she was doing and i was pretty grateful for that. Still as stressful as things got, it took me a lot of willpower not to snap at her and stay cool. Even at the end of the night she apoligized for being 'so difficult to work with' so i think she knew herself. Things like that are always nice to hear. Glad i didn't make myself look like an asshole. Oh and to top it off i usually take off right when the clock hits 7 am, but i figured i needed to stick around and wait for the daytime physician so i could tell him face to face what happened, of course today was the one day where he showed up late *argh* so i ended up getting home a couple hours later than normal and dead tired. Screw hitting the gym, screw the shower i just dropped dead asleep and right before i did phoned some friends to cancel dinner plans.

Of course in the middle of the night while all this shit was going on, one of the nurses (who was just sitting around) asked me 'so how do you like working here?' I just looked at her and said 'um, why don't you try asking me that tommorow?'.

[]

Sunday, July 7, 2002, 06:33 a.m.

What day is it?

On my second day at work, while i was being oriented by one of he senior partners of my group, halfway thru the tour he stopped to ask me this exact question, because, having started at 10 pm and ending the day a 7 am, he really had no clue what day of the week it was. Now that i'm on my 4th day here, i've gotten a lot more comfortable at what i'm doing, seen a bunch of emergencies here and there 'saved lives' according to others (altho i look at it more as 'haven't killed them') and after a fairly busy night of 7 admissions from the ER that i managed to wrap up nicely before the end of my shift, i find myself asking the same question sometimes. The more i get accustomed to my new job and new life, the more i feel a little out of joint with the real world, the waking world, the daytime world. My biggest struggles have been trying to figure out how to sleep during the day. My body is just confused and doesn't know what to do sometimes. There have been a couple days where i've only netted about 3 hours of sleep trying to make the transition. Now i feel better and more awake during the night, and getting slammed with work is probably helping too (altho its not really the kind of help i want). I wonder how i'm going to be in a couple months, 6 months, even a year of doing this. Am i going to seem totally detatched and unable to relate to other 'daywalkers' (yes that was ripped off from the movie Blade) or will i bounce back fine. This whole thing is definitely going to be an experience for me.

Oh and on another note, i finally have my cable modem hooked up and running. Now i finally have that false sense of power and invincibility that i've been looking for. Say goodbye to years of 26.4K modem speeds.

[]

Friday, July 5, 2002, 02:37 p.m.

Adding up all the pennies...

Its amazing how you can spend a little cash on a lot of tiny items, and it'll add up to a lot. Sometimes i think thats a way we just fool ourselves into thinking we're cash conservationalists (those of us who try to fool ourselves anyway). As part of my ongoing project to replace every original part of my car with something else, i spend somewhere in the neighborhood of 0 for an assortment of random bits and pieces the purpose of which most non-automotive folks would not have the foggiest idea. Let's look at the breakdown of my latest expenditures:
MRT rear sway bar endlinks - 0
Whiteline rear sway bar bushings -
Sti group N transmission mount -
Sti group N motor mounts(2) - 0
Metal WRX rear trunk badge -
And those are for random little unidentifiable parts. Good thing i'm making $$ and have very little time to socialize, otherwise this hobby of mine would bankrupt me (and if i'm not careful, it still could).

[]

Thursday, July 4, 2002, 10:50 p.m.

Happy Independance Day

Today is the 4th of July for 2002, i heard there was a beautiful fireworks show downtown, but i missed it tonight because i was asleep. I've been sleeping on and off all day in fact because i started my first night shift at work yesterday from 10 pm to 7 am, working with other hospitalists from my group who were showing me the ropes. All in all it wasn't a bad night and besides getting to learn new names, new faces, a half dozen new computer access codes and always getting lost in the hallways, work feels a lot like what i did as a resident, and in a couple hours i was making orders, transferring patients and handling admissions like i had been doing it for months.

I kind of wish i caught the fireworks display tonight, and it was the first one i've missed in 4 years. I've caught the fireworks show twice in downtown Indianapolis, always parking my car in the lot of the downtown Medical center or by the White River. That's the lovely thing about Indianapolis, its pretty open, uncrowded, and theres always ample parking for the show if you know where to go. The other couple years i've caught shows in Southern California, always at the time i was attending AX. One was a small show near El Segundo which was cool, cause a lot of locals and there families were all sitting on their cars watching. Me and my friends were laughing and some of the louder fireworks setting off car alarms. The other show i caught was actually right above Disneyland. I don't think it was a ID4 fireworks show per se, but it happened the same weekend and i managed to get hooked up and watch the lightshow from a VIP suite up in the Disney hotel, free food and drinks and a few friends watching the show with music piped in thru the speaker system. It was too bad there was no complementary bar as well, that would have been a nice wine moment.

So i'm spending my 4th of July evening at work, my second night, and i'll be doing the admission work instead of the cross-covering duties. Hopefully being a holiday weekend, things won't get too busy, unless poor old folks start rolling in the ER with heart attacks from random firecracker incidents. So far its not a bad night to work, but considering that i've always been out of town enjoying myself on this weekend, i do feel a little down. I miss my friends, i miss the nice weather (it hot and humid here btw). In fact i gave one of my friends who is out in LA right now a call on her cel, wishing her a happy 4th and passing on the msg to say hi to everyone else for me. Not that i really want to attend AX, but a short trip would be perfect right about now. Things have been a little tough lately and i've been feeling emotionally and physically cut off from the rest of the world. The sudden transition of new place, new job, leaving both the security and slavery of my residency, seeing a lot of old friends move out of town onto their new lives, and now living my vampire night hours, some moments i do feel little lost, but i think it'll get better. It is nice that we had a quiet uneventful 4th without any major incidence or terrorist attacks anywhere, but while i think the country was right to be vigilant during the day, i would have been surprised if something did happen then. I mean who would try to attack something when the security level is highest? I would do it before or after, screw dramatic gestures, pragmatism is the way to go.

[]

Tuesday, July 2, 2002, 09:25 p.m.

Can't live with them...

While i was taking a study break i popped in an old tape of korean music videos to watch while i was reading, and a video by the group Y II K for the song 'gibbun sulpum' (Deep Sadness) came up. While i was watching the little plot going on in the video i started to get pissed off because the video started to give me some bad flashbacks. Y II K is a group of 2 japanese guys and 1 korean guy who does the vocals. And they all look pretty japanese the way they do their hair and such. But anyways, the plot of the video went something like this:

One JP guy has cute korean gf, very pretty, shy, whatever. She meets other JP guy who happens to be the better looking of the two during a band rehersal and starts taking a liking to him and vice versa. Then the flirting begins, but of course she still 'stands by her man'.

While i was watching this i realized some old emotional wounds didn't fully heal up as i was thinking 'i really hope she gets found out and gets her comeuppance, stupid flaky chick...'. Then i had to remind myself that i was just watching a mv and the way i was reacting was stupid. I don't really need to explain why i reacted to those who know me, but those who don't, it was just a replay of situations that i was stupid enough to get myself into in the past. Aaaaah, who said drama isn't fun?

[]